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00:00:01
Well...This Could Send Me to Jail...
76 Plays8 months ago
Hey, let's listen to Kels confess her deepest most shameful secret!!
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Transcript
Introduction and Intentions
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Awaken Vague, an educational, high vibrational, mystical, spiritual, pot, I'm sorry, podcast from one girl, one joint in a journey to awaken what's inside all of us. In the words of the very wise was Khalifa. Let's roll something and get the day started. Hey guys, it's me, Kelce.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm going to guess that you're probably here because you clicked on this like clickbait because I titled it that way and that's because I'm an incredible marketer. But also I am here to tell you, tell a story, a story that I have to tell. And the reason that I have to tell it is not because I need to get it off my chest or I need to move on from it.
Fear of Judgment and Honesty
00:00:41
Speaker
I have actually healed from it completely. I am past it. I am so past it that the reason I hadn't really talked about this, and I've shared it with some people who I'm close to, but has been a fear of some people hearing it and judging me, mainly my parents. And maybe that's why I'm still only talking about it here on my podcast where I know that my parents don't listen.
00:01:05
Speaker
But the reason I want to share it, since it's right, it isn't a necessarily a personal motivation of like, I don't, I'm not trying to gain forgiveness, say I'm, I'm at peace with this decision, which was a, this is a marketed bad decision, guys. I made a, a big mistake and that's okay. I'm going to talk about it. I think we need, we need to talk about our mistakes. I think we need to be more honest. I think we need to be more honest about our human impulses and that we give into them. I think if a lot of people.
00:01:35
Speaker
were more honest about that and shared that when they're human, like when you do those things that aren't like, like not bad, but not great. Like, again, I'm not saying like, even something as silly as like putting away the shopping cart. The only reason you shouldn't put away a shopping cart on like a non, non, like on an objective
00:01:59
Speaker
moral level, moral level is like because you're having a heart attack and you had to go back to your car or you're having a screaming shot. Like there are moments for grace in that. Yes, I'm not saying any zero, there are zero things that are like absolute.
Moral Decisions and Objectivity
00:02:14
Speaker
But if it's because you're tired, or you don't want to walk that far, or more importantly, if you don't put away your shopping carts, because you think that there's a person whose job it is and they get paid to
00:02:25
Speaker
Collect the shopping cart so you don't need to if that's you fuck you you gotta do a lot of self-reflecting the other two options Not so much a little self-reflection. Yeah. Yeah, you should put away your shopping carts even no matter how tired I am and this is not a Humble brag. It's not a brag. It's nothing. I'm just sharing. This is who I am Like this is who I am and if you want to question that I am this which is again what I think I've been preventing is like allowing people to
00:02:56
Speaker
challenge my view of myself and fuck that. I'm 29 years old. I'm a mom. I am stable. I am trying. I do the work. I now know that I can say that I'm imperfect, but I try and I am like I know that I am an I am an objective person. A lot of you fuckers aren't I am and I know that sounds big and I don't mean that on a I am better. I am just saying that that is a place where I have a
00:03:22
Speaker
I do have a benefit. That is a skill that I am good at as being able to be objective and remove emotion from situations and choose what is best. And again, if you're like, that sounds like full of yourself, talk to me about it. I want to talk about these things more. I love
Narcissism and Self-Perception
00:03:38
Speaker
myself. I love that in myself. I love a lot of things in myself. This is a little tangent, but my sister recently told me that I was a narcissist.
00:03:47
Speaker
because I made a joke and I like laughed at it really hard. And then I like kept going and I was like, Oh my God, I'm the funniest person in the world. And like going, going, and Sarah, if you're listening to this, this is not a slight at you at all. I know you were joking. This is not that at all. I'm just, I was projected into them thinking. Okay. Like this was not,
00:04:04
Speaker
That's not why I'm sharing this. I'm sharing it because my sister called me a narcissist. A narcissist is a trigger word for me. I think a narcissist and I think my mom. I should probably think other people too and I do think other people too but my initial reaction is my mom. I'm human. That is my most intimate
00:04:19
Speaker
connection to what I feel and view is a narcissism person, whether she is or is not. Again, that is not, that is like this, I'm talking about my initial gut. Who is like narcissist mom? Okay, that's me. So my sister called me a narcissist and because I thought I was so funny and you know, I laughed it off and because it is like, that was a joke, like it was not, but what an interesting, interesting concept.
00:04:49
Speaker
that you can't be your funniest. I am. I am my best friend. I can say that. I went wedding dress shopping. I never had an actual wedding, but I went wedding dress shopping alone. I don't want the opinions of others. I want the opinions of others after I have my opinion, I should say. I hate influence.
00:05:11
Speaker
I can say that I
Influence and Personal Resilience
00:05:12
Speaker
hate influence. I think that's why I struggle a lot with Instagram even this sometimes with TikTok and Facebook is that it's It's it's the influence but we've perverted influence like influence now is Influence of power and money like that's what influencer when I think of like that's what I feel and that's what I feel like is the societal driven of like the influence I want like
00:05:38
Speaker
spiritual and emotional influence. That's the kind of influencer I want to be. If you hear this, if you watch this, if you listen to this, I don't care if you fucking send me money. I care if you hear this, hear these words, hear what I'm about the story I'm about to tell you and you do what you do. Like you do better. Like that's what I'm that's my intention in life. I'm realizing I don't
00:05:57
Speaker
i don't want to be rich i love my house i want to i think we're going to stay in this house forever i know it's in ohio but i think we're going to stay here forever like this is these are normal things and i should be my best friend i should be the funniest person i know because at the end of the day i might someday end up uh being kidnapped
00:06:12
Speaker
by a serial killer and being trapped in a closet for 30 days and all i'm gonna have is myself so you bet your fucking ass i want to be as funny as possible that i can make myself laugh and i don't think that makes me a narcissist i don't think i'm a narcissist for saying that i think i am
00:06:32
Speaker
impartial.
Ethics and Medical Field
00:06:34
Speaker
I can be non-biased, not always, but I can turn it on. If you need to put me in a situation where you need someone to be objective and decide what is right for the betterment of humanity, for the betterment of good, for the betterment of the big picture of whatever that may mean. This is something that I loved about nursing and medical is the idea of ethics and these things that like I love talking about the hard decisions. Should a person who is brain dead
00:07:00
Speaker
stay alive on a machine? That's a hard question. That's a hard question. If you love that person, the answer is yes. How do we expect humans to make those decisions? And how do we expect them not to view it when the opposition to that decision is death as murder? Because we don't talk about death like we should. Death is not scary. Death is not bad. We've perverted time as well. And that can be another episode, maybe, how we've allowed people to fuck up what our idea of time is. But death is not,
00:07:27
Speaker
Death is such a good thing. Dying is so beautiful. I have watched people die. I have watched a lot of people die as a nurse, especially as a nursing home nurse. I have watched people die slowly over months, and I've watched people die who I thought were going to be fine, and then two minutes later are gone. I've seen people who have come into the ER already dead.
Human Imperfection and Growth
00:07:53
Speaker
stranger to death death is scary death is uncomfortable death is not bad death is not bad death can be accidental death is sometimes the result of human emotion that's fair human emotion doesn't allow us to be perfect so we need to stop trying to force human emotion to let us be perfect do you know what i'm saying like
00:08:15
Speaker
We gotta have forgiveness. We gotta have some fucking gifts. Someone's gotta give. Something's got to give somewhere. Somewhere something something has to be different. I'm going to think I'm the funniest person in the world. That's how I'm gonna be different. I'm not going to think that other people then aren't funny.
00:08:32
Speaker
I'm going to think I am the funniest person in my world and I hope you are the funniest person in your world and I hope they are the funniest person in their world and I hope they are the funniest person in their world and that's not being a narcissist, that's being inclusive as fuck. I think that is the anti-narcissism. I think that is a celebration of humor.
00:08:53
Speaker
i just don't um yeah and so that kind of i think was a startle a catalyst effect of um all this kind of i've talked for the past few episodes i've done uh about like how in this weird like transition time with the world and every and i am still but i also am feeling it lifting a bit i'm starting to feel a little bit more clear i'm starting things are starting to
00:09:15
Speaker
The haziness is starting to go away and I'm seeing that I am a different person and being a different person means I need to be brave. I need to start taking action. This story I'm about to tell you is a hard story for me. It is something embarrassing as fuck. It is something that I could be brought up on criminal charges.
Nursing School Struggles
00:09:31
Speaker
I think I checked it and it's the statue of limitations on this is five to six years and this happened in
00:09:38
Speaker
2016 which was eight years ago, but also you know what fuck it if someone wants to hear this and then report me to something somewhere and do whatever I don't give a fuck because I know that I have grown from this and I am done Defending myself before defense defense is needed defense is needed Yeah, so without further ado here we go when I was a
00:10:04
Speaker
I'm going to say it was 2016, which I think is like conservative because I think it was actually probably 2015, like early 2015. But we'll say 2016 again for like sake of time. I was in my, what was my final semester of nursing school for the second time, of RN school when I graduated from high school.
00:10:26
Speaker
I went directly into an RN program, which is a two-year program. After the first year of that, so the first two semesters, I had failed a class in my third semester, so I had to retake that year because of how nursing school works.
00:10:43
Speaker
can't you can't just like take another class like you can't it's not like regular college where you then just sign up for another class and boom it's like there's only so many classes and it's very very structured so like i had to instead of just finding my next class and picking up in the in the like the next semester like just taking it again um i had to actually like wait quite a while until the following fall and then i got to do joint had to join the weekend program
00:11:09
Speaker
to then do a completely different class where I then was doing classes and clinicals on weekends and evenings, but this was the best way. This is how it works. For whatever reason, this is how it works. I don't want to fixate on that. I was finally in my last semester for the first time, but after having failed and having to repeat some stuff. That's where I am. I am sitting
00:11:34
Speaker
in this spot position as a student nurse and it is my final weeks and one of the things that you have to do you do clinical all through nursing school I'm sure you guys have heard that word and it's you know right when you're in
00:11:48
Speaker
a nursing home, a hospital, a medical healthcare setting where you are sometimes in some way shadowing, in some ways performing, in some ways actually being. It's all different levels of things that you're doing in clinicals. But the ultimate clinical is what's called a preceptorship and that's where
00:12:06
Speaker
You go to a nurse on a floor. They are basically just going to watch you. They're not your teacher. So there's not like that like pressure of like, oh my God, this is like, they're just a nurse. They're just a someone who's gonna see if you're, you could cut it if they'd work with you basically.
00:12:23
Speaker
And sometimes you have a couple different like but so I had my preceptorship I had to decide what I was going to do I at the time in the in the beginning of my nursing and I still do have a Incredible interest in it. I loved emergency medicine ER was my favorite show growing up. I wanted to be Carol Hathaway so fucking bad
00:12:41
Speaker
So that was my drive. The school that I went to was attached to a hospital in Syracuse. And that hospital is not a trauma center. They have an ER that I had worked in as a student or aid, but it was not like car accidents don't go there, shooting victims don't go there typically. Obviously, you go wherever you get brought, but typically those things get brought and helicoptered to upstate hospital.
00:13:11
Speaker
um i don't know if i was going to say the name of it but whatever i like just pause because i was like oh so yeah upstate i was at first trying to be all sneaky but yeah so this hospital updates the travel level and trauma center so i went to school that was attached to a different hospital but the trauma center what i was interested in was at
00:13:28
Speaker
this hospital across the city say um i decided you know what like it's my fucking chance i want to do this even though my school program is pretty much designed for you to choose a floor in that hospital to do this i was like
00:13:48
Speaker
Fuck it, I'm gonna reach out. And so I just, without even talking to my school, emailed a person, I think I emailed the volunteer coordinator, or maybe it was the nursing education coordinator, whatever, at this place. And I was like, I would love to do, this is who I am, this is what's going on. I need to do a preceptorship. My interest lies in trauma. I would love it if you would let me do my preceptorship here. I know it's not like, it's different, blah, blah, blah. She wrote back basically saying, yes, we'd love to do that. That's fine, no problem. I went to my school.
00:14:17
Speaker
a little bit hesitant because they were I think upset that I had chosen not to give back to the hospital that gave me my education um whatever um I didn't want to do that you you didn't you couldn't offer me what I loved you couldn't offer me uh what I wanted to learn more of so I did I think the mature thing again I don't I have no regrets no part of the story am I um defending in the sense of I want so that you don't think poorly of me I'm just sharing my full
00:14:45
Speaker
full everything. So I started this preceptorship. When I graduated high school I was an unhealed person. I had a lot of curiosity and zero idea how to execute curiosity and I also had a lot of shame and I had a lot of distrust which led to a lot of dishonesty and a lot of
00:15:09
Speaker
erratic, impulsive behavior, which was obviously amplified by my history of depression, anxiety and ADHD. Like I'm not, but I am going to take credit for it. Like this was I'm not going to blame this decision that I made on any of that stuff. This was my human mistake, what I'm about to tell you about. So I started it was I think it was like 15 shifts basically that we had to work. It was like a number. I'm sure it was a number
00:15:36
Speaker
Requirement number our requirement, but I can't report it was so we had to do these 15 shifts. We're gonna say I'm like my 9th or 10th, so I'm pretty comfortable I've understanding I'm kind of got a rapport with the staff. I'm kind of getting the flow. I've been helpful I'm putting in a good name for myself. I'm feeling good. I'm getting it. I'm getting it
00:15:59
Speaker
I was working with a nurse and we had a patient, I can't even remember what their ailment was, but we had a patient.
Risky Decision and Reflection
00:16:05
Speaker
They got prescribed some morphine and then some other stuff, but morphine. We went, got it out of the thing. She wasted with her person and I think, and I'm not, names don't matter, none of that matters. I'm not sharing it for that, but I think she had someone sign that she wasted it. It might have even been me, but I can't imagine that I was able to do it.
00:16:29
Speaker
waste it but as a lot of people know in real practice sometimes you don't actually design things before they are the way that they are. Anyway what I'm saying is there's a lot of failsafe so that narcotics and stuff don't get taken out of the hospital without permission. I found myself
00:16:48
Speaker
at the end of that drug administration with the morphine in my hands, the quote-unquote wasted morphine in my hands, and I made a human mistake, a human impulse. I was curious. Wonder what it's like to do morphine. I'm not going to say I was suicidal at this time in my life. I'm going to say I was
00:17:08
Speaker
careless. I just didn't give a fuck if I died. Like, it kind of would have been easier is how I felt, which sad yes, but it's true. It's valid. That's that's my human experience. So my human experience was I had this vial of some morphine, I knew it was not a lethal dose, anything like that. I mean, it was half of what it was, you know, what we had just given the person who was sick, like, you know, so I knew it wasn't anything I knew I was not going to die unless again, like the fail safes that allowed me to be in that position, something catastrophic happened. And I somehow
00:17:38
Speaker
put a bubble of air in my vein when I shot up. But I, um, that's pretty much it. I decided, I sat there, I knew the consequences, I knew the options, I knew everything. I was a completely informed decision to take that morphine and go home and try it. Informed decisions are human.
00:18:01
Speaker
I know we talk about like lying and things like that, but also that, that I, I, it was curiosity. Curiosity is a human thing. I just wanted to know, and I think that's honestly a lot of the reason I've done a lot of the drugs or even started drinking was just curiosity of like, what's it like? And I think that is a beautiful thing. It is so good to try things. Don't take this as that. Again, I was very safe. I don't regret this. I have no regrets.
00:18:26
Speaker
If you feel that makes me bad, then okay. And I love you. I love you. Um, I don't, I don't think this is any, uh, implication of my character. Um, so yeah, so I had the morphine and I decided I'll take it home. And I also grabbed on my way out that shift of shift that day, a, um, like a little Ivy kit. And I headed home. I think I grabbed some alcohol. Um, nothing crazy, like, but like a six pack of like, at the time, I think I was really big into reds, like,
00:18:56
Speaker
loved them, couldn't get enough, so.
00:18:58
Speaker
I think I will say I got a six pack of reds, went home, did my thing where I hang out in my basement, listen to music, dance around, still living with my parents and my younger sister, did my thing in the basement, hid the alcohol and drank. I was, you know, 20, 19, 20 at the time, 20, 20 at the time. So like, I would, you know, it's funny, you would do these things, but everyone knows what you're doing. So like, I would drink in the basement and then hide the bottles. They knew they were there. I would hide them like in the futon and stuff. They would hear the clinking. Like, you're not smart when you're a kid. I get that.
00:19:27
Speaker
Hey, I thought I was. So yeah, so I did my thing, I got up to my room and then I kind of I had forgotten the morphine and I kind of remembered it was probably like 3am. I had good buzz. I knew I had nothing to do the next day. Again, informed decision of this is the best time and I stand by this was the best time to try this. Because I was able to try it with no consequences. Again,
00:19:53
Speaker
My consequence was for years living with this guilt and shame and being afraid to talk about it. Especially because I was afraid of my parents hearing about it and judging me. And I need to put my money where my fucking mouth is and I'm done being worried about my parents judging me because my parents judging me is their own problem. Not mine. If they don't want to be a part of my life because I do things that they don't question.
00:20:13
Speaker
that they question and that's on them not me so side note so so i um i remember sitting in my bed and the room was pretty dark i had just like my low light on um i'm incredible at putting in an ivy so i knew that i also have great veins so i
00:20:31
Speaker
put the turning kit on my left arm and I remember feeling it and I did the vein that's like in your wrist kind of because I knew that would be the easiest for my hand to be able to ankle. I'd be able to like actually get it in and I think it took like kind of two tries but I remember making it work because I only had brought one IV kit home.
00:20:48
Speaker
Um, so I got it in, got the IV in, had it like locked off, kind of looked at the, so I just had what they call a saline lock. Like, you know, like when you're in the hospital and it's just like the IV sitting there, but it's not attached to anything. So I had that, I looked at the morphine, I drew it up and I, I put it in and I remember a split second of like, this was a bad idea, but then I like was like, Hey, I did it.
00:21:11
Speaker
I do know that it is a safe thing and then I was also like oh I need to get this out of my arm though so I remember taking the IV out like I remember that. Truly I don't remember like much of the high. I was pretty buzzed and I also it was like really early so I think I pretty much like slightly it put me to sleep which I think heroin morphine those things kind of do put you to sleep. So I
00:21:40
Speaker
Was it worth it in the sense of did I have this experience that turned me on and or off to a drug? No, I would say it was pretty middle. It was mid. It was an experience. Like it was like, oh, okay. So that's what it's like. And then I moved on. Very fortunate that I didn't get addicted. Very fortunate that I walked away. Very fortunate that I
00:22:06
Speaker
didn't continue to explore that curiosity. I saw it as a one mis- you know, I let it happen. But I did. I did it. I did- that's- I did that. That's a true fucking story that happened in, right, 2015 we'll say, 2016. That's what I did.
00:22:21
Speaker
at 20 years old, nine years ago. If I was 20, I'm 29 now, nine years ago, that's something I did. And it would have been in December. So actually, I think it would have been December of 2014. So even like, but again, that doesn't matter. Time doesn't like it's not that that's we're looking at big picture. Yeah, yeah, I, I stole a narcotic from a hospital. Put my
00:22:50
Speaker
future license in jeopardy, my future in jeopardy, my future, any career, like, you know, on all levels, I made the decision, I weighed the pros and cons, and I decided, you know what, I think it's worth it to me to be in this situation and take advantage of the fact that I can experience something new that may be dangerous.
00:23:11
Speaker
or I can not. And me being human, I made the human decision to experience it. Right or wrong, doesn't matter. What matters is that I've learned something from it. And I did. I can see that if I'm in a lot of pain, if some horrible thing happens to me and I'm in pain and I am tired, I could see myself as a heroin addict on the street.
00:23:41
Speaker
If I fall down, if I give in to my humanness, I could see that. Just like I could see myself as a cocaine addict. If I give in to my addictive personality in need of motivation and energy to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, I love that feeling. I love that. That's why I love drinking and partying. I love that. I could be all those things because I am human. You also could be all those things because you are human.
Embracing Flaws and Forgiveness
00:24:06
Speaker
And I bet if you really, really were honest with yourself,
00:24:11
Speaker
You probably have something, probably done something to this caliber, um, of, you know, as far as detrimental potential to have happened to you. And you told nobody and you just moved past it and you just did it to do it because it doesn't matter who knows. And like, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair. My brother always said, nothing's illegal unless you get caught. And that's true. That's true. Um, but then like, if you get away with it, don't just get away with it or get cocky about it. Get away with it and feel bad. I did.
00:24:41
Speaker
Get away with it and be like, why did I do that? I did. Get away with it and explore it. I did. Get away with it and explore how you feel now. I did. I did for nine years. I sat with this. And again, I told some friends. I remember, I think the first person I told was my friend, John, because he's a nurse now. And he was a nurse at the time when I told him. And we were in San Francisco for Folsom, the Folsom Street Fair. And so this would have been 2021.
00:25:09
Speaker
So I didn't tell my best friend until then about it. And that's crazy. But that's how long it took me to be safe to talk to someone about it. And I think sometimes we do terrible things. But I think if we allow people grace, like we really say we do, but we need to actually do,
00:25:29
Speaker
We know that we've all done bad. And we also know that we'll eventually feel it. The bad will come up. Everything comes out in the wash. Everything happens. It'll eventually come up. So what if we just let each other have it come up? And what if we let each other work through it? And what if even if someone saw me do it, they made the informed decision to say, hey,
00:25:49
Speaker
I see that this is bad happening. I see that it is not dangerous necessarily. Again, I was not seeking this out. I wasn't like, Oh, I hope I get like, it just happened. It just happened upon. So if someone could have if a hypothetical of someone knowing all of that, like that I just it was a curiosity, fun decision that is influenced by humanness. I would hope that they would
00:26:19
Speaker
not say something. Kind of like if you see someone speeding and it's like, hey, you know what? Some people speed because they're dicks, but some people speed because their mother's dying. Like, you know, just an ounce of grace. And if, again, if there's side clues, then maybe
00:26:40
Speaker
like that maybe say that i'm a worse person or i you know i'm represent are more representative of the character that does this repeatedly or does it abusively then sure obviously but i was not and maybe even if you saw me um tell me not to come over to me tell me not to
00:26:56
Speaker
say hey I see you're curious um it's not worth it walk away but then let it end there we don't always have to tell we don't oh and that's coming from me who is someone who believes in honesty and justice like no other I am again talking about
00:27:14
Speaker
milder offenses of morality that have no victims truly other than yourself. So I'm not saying that this is this is the kind of grace we need to give rapists or murderers or people who steal that don't need to steal because I honestly don't think stealing is a problem when you're desperate but when you don't like that that's that's the problem.
00:27:38
Speaker
But yeah, so that's my idea. Do it the way you will. What do you think? What do you guys think? It's almost been 30 minutes. I've been rambling, so just stay high. Bye.