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im triggered and working thru it
56 Plays4 months ago
Thank you for letting me be raw here. I am safe!
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Transcript
Emotional Vulnerability and Resilience
00:00:00
awakenbake
Welcome or welcome back to Awakened Bake, where we get high vibes and talk about the universe. I'm your host, Dani, and today I'm pretty fucking emotional. I'm going to be strong and tough and a big girl, but you know that Fergie song? Big girls don't cry. I already did cry, so big girls do cry, but then they keep it pushing. The topic of today's episode is kind of just surrounding the theme that reminders of your past or just like not cool shit that has happened to you while they can be very triggering. um They're also a nice little reminder of how far you've come and a little reminder for you to be proud of yourself for your growth.
00:00:39
awakenbake
But I'm going to get into all of that. OK, let's just start at the beginning.
Confronting Past Threats and Reflecting on Safety
00:00:42
awakenbake
I'm a pretty open book, so I'm going to give you the tea, but I'm going to do it kind of without giving the full details just because I don't know, guys, I'm going to be as honest as I can, but it's kind of traumatic and I don't want to like bring up more unnecessary sadness and grief than I have to. Here's what I do feel comfortable saying though. Okay, so someone from my past who scares me very much, who I have taken legal action against and who everyone in my life knows if you're close to me, you know about this person and that I don't ever wish to see this person again. And that's why I've taken legal action against them. So you can also understand my motherfucking surprise when I peep that they've been viewing my social media shit from like new accounts. Yeah, that didn't make me fucking feel good.
00:01:23
awakenbake
Cue the Mariah Song chat, please. Why you so obsessed with me? Boy, I wanna know. Hey, don't come from my singing just now. I'm high as a bitch, okay? Most importantly, though, guys, I do wanna say I'm safe. My husband is my hero and my protector, and more than that, um I'm safe in my life, in my community, and in my
From Anxiety to Strength: Processing Trauma
00:01:41
awakenbake
personal power. And I got two dogs, okay? They will attack any motherfucker in my honor. I'm still a human, though. So that being said, I started to spiral. Yes, ma'am, I did. Absolutely. I really started going down the rabbit hole of like, what did I do to deserve this? Which eventually led to the well, what if he tries to come find me rabbit hole? That was just like a constant anxiety and just causing me to like break out in this rash. And so I just knew that I had to handle I had to handle shit. OK, because I'm not processing it in a healthy way. And that's why my body is having a physical reaction.
00:02:13
awakenbake
And I am a deep thinker, bitch, okay? I know that I speak like a sailor, but I am an intellect. College educated, bitch. I don't know though, it was like art school, so I feel like that's not quite the same. I was doing a little deep dive into my feelings and like why I was feeling the way I was feeling. And what I realized is the feelings and the flashbacks that were coming up brought me back to a time where I was constantly scared, constantly sad, depressed, hungry, anxious and like truly sick in every sense of the word. And like I said, I was terrified at that time. But I think it scares me even more now because I am so far from that. I am completely opposite from where I was then.
00:02:55
awakenbake
And it is because I was brave enough to walk away from a tough situation and from a bad situation and a dangerous situation.
Reframing Guilt and Embracing Growth
00:03:01
awakenbake
However, I was having a hard time understanding my feelings and so like overall I just kept feeling like really afraid and just like having memories of being afraid and anxious and all of that horrible stuff. So I'm journaling out my feelings, but then I'm realizing as I'm writing all of this down, like okay, maybe this isn't because of self-hatred or like criticism. I didn't actually do anything to deserve this. Maybe this is showing me that I am the person that I always wanted to become and I should be proud as fuck of myself for where I'm at in life because I built this life myself.
00:03:33
awakenbake
I see and i've always known where i could be where i used to be if i didn't make the decisions and the certain moves that i decided to make okay it took a lot of courage to get where i'm at right now and this path and this journey that i'm on it exists because i created it i created it this way not me like getting choked up on my words cuz i'm high and emotional. I guess I'm just like really proud of where I'm at right now. And so while it feels scary to think about where I used to be, it's like, yeah, but that couldn't even be me now if I tried it. I don't want to try it. I'm not going to try it. But you know what I'm saying? I don't think that I'm scared anymore of getting hurt. I think it was more scary to be like, holy fuck, like that was just so opposite of the person that I am now. And I never want to be in that position again and I won't be in that position again. So instead of looking at this like some terrible thing like universe, why are you making me think about these things? Why are you making this person pop back up on my radar at all? I'm trying to remind myself like this motherfucker has free will and he's been crazy. Y'all I can't control him I never could but I can control myself and how I handle him in this situation and where I give my energy to and that's what I'm gonna do and I'm Choosing to see the situation as me actually just realizing holy fuck like look at where I'm at I'm the person that I've always wanted to be I'm where I've always wanted to be and I'm creating this beautiful amazing life with the person that I love and our two beautiful dogs and our beautiful community and And this motherfucker cannot hurt me anymore. And that's because of me. That's because I made myself safe. That's because I built this life for myself.
The Power of Sharing Stories
00:04:59
awakenbake
And while we're talking about safety, this is the safest I've ever been in my whole life. From being a baby to being an adult, like this is truly the safest I've ever been. And again, I manifested that because I'm a powerful fucking creator and I'm capable of anything I set my mind to. And by deciding to walk away from what was
00:05:13
awakenbake
hurting me and tearing me down and by trusting my intuition I've proven to myself that when I trust myself beautiful things happen and that I am i' I'm just a badass bitch okay so yeah it's very uncomfortable for me to be reminded that this person exists and not only that but that they're finding ways to do my social media But on the other hand, you know, duality, it's really important for me to kind of look at this and kind of realize, OK, I'm in control of my life and my destiny and I always have been. And I created this beautiful place for myself and I've created this safety and I have a lot to be proud of and I have a lot to be grateful for. So that's what I'm going to do.
00:05:48
awakenbake
And I know there's gonna be someone who's like, oh, yeah, and you should feel bad for people and andda because if you know, if they hurt you, they're probably hurting, too. Yeah, no, no, no. That applies when it's like, you know, I'm going through the drive through and like the person working the drive through is being a dick because they're having a shitty day and they're underpaid. Like, absolutely totally fine. Are you cutting me off on the road because you weren't fucking paying attention and I don't know what you got going on. Maybe you're preoccupied. Yep, absolutely. But this is not some surface level shit and I'm not a surface level bitch, okay? And you should know that by now. So if I'm talking shit about this person, there's a good fucking reason. And I think I also just feel safe talking about it publicly. I know that I'm going to be totally fine, but I also feel like the more people that know the better, you know what I mean? So thank you guys for being a place for me to come and be vulnerable and open.
00:06:34
awakenbake
and in real time work through a lot of my thought process because I did spend a good few days like freaking out like, is this my salt is this my salt? Is this my salt here? My pepper? No. Is this my fault? Did I somehow manifest this or bring this on to myself? like I started to panic like, was I not grateful enough for my current life and situation that you know I had to be reminded of something else? And it's like, no. It's not that I am not in control of another person's power and their actions. And you know, this person who I'm talking about, he tries to take away other people's power. And he tries to like take away their voice and any sense of control that they have. But that's not me. And I'm not like that. So what can I do? I can focus on how I handle it. And I can focus on what I truly think the meaning and the lesson is behind all of that. And I think for me, it's about just reminding myself like,
00:07:24
awakenbake
You did this bitch. You are safe. you didn't do You didn't do the bad thing. You didn't like, you know, will this upon yourself, but like you are safe. You built this life for yourself. You built this like safe haven essentially in this community and and this beautiful life that he's not a part of. He's not going to penetrate. He can't, he never could if he tried. Okay. Like fuck that. Like, uh, I feel like I'm getting tongue tied because like I'm starting to do that thing where you talk about something and you get a little anxious and your heart starts racing and you know what I mean? I don't want to say things that I don't mean or like get too ah offensive or too passionate, but I think that we all understand what I'm saying. Sometimes life is going to throw shit at you that doesn't feel good.
00:08:00
awakenbake
from your past or from like people you used to know or choices that you used to make or whatever the case may be.
Acknowledging Progress and Gratitude
00:08:06
awakenbake
But it's not always to punish you. Sometimes it really is a reminder for you to like look in the mirror and be proud as fuck of yourself and also realize like, wow, some people are still exactly where they were about a damn decade ago. Couldn't be us though, right? AwakenedBake listeners. It couldn't be us. I feel like that's kind of the only time I really use my journal. I used to be someone who journals every single day, and I think that I'll get back into that one day. I kind of go through phases of journaling, but right now I'm doing it when it's like something is on my mind and I need to work through it. I don't know what it is. I think maybe it slightly makes me slow down my thought process because my brain goes so fucking fast. But when I'm journaling, I can't write as fast as I'm thinking.
00:08:41
awakenbake
So I kind of have to stick to like one thing at a time and it helps me kind of really get my thoughts out onto paper, work through them slowly, figure out what am I actually saying? What do I actually think? What do I actually mean? And what do I actually feel? And then once I have it all written down and I'm able to kind of look at it and kind of like make sense of all of it, it doesn't feel like this chaotic, overwhelming spiral like what I'm dealing with inside my head once I'm able to kind of like put it out there on paper. Once I've done that, it's like a lot easier for me to work through what's happening and really like see the the pattern that leads to the problem. and For me, in this situation, I don't think I was the problem, but I think the problem was when I knew this person and when I was being hurt by this person a lot, I constantly looked at everything as my fault. um i Anything bad that happened to anybody, um me or him, it was my fault.
00:09:27
awakenbake
Or if he did something and and fucked up, it's still my fault somehow. So I just was looking at everything like, I'm to blame, I'm to blame, I'm to blame. And it's crazy that right when I get triggered about this, my initial reaction was, what did I do to deserve this? I probably willed this upon myself. Like, you know, did I did i accidentally, I don't even know what I was thinking. How could this be my fault? Because it's literally not my fault. But once I was able to write everything down and see, oh my gosh, like, all the ways that I'm feeling right now, it's actually just mirrors of how I felt back then and how this person used to make me feel when I was around them and associated with them. I'm not there anymore, though. I'm in a completely different space. I'm in such a safe, amazing, healthy place in my life.
00:10:09
awakenbake
And yeah, I was a quick little physical and mental reminder of what I used to feel like. But honestly, like that feeling is fleeting. I felt it and I wrote it down and I let myself, you know, experience it. And now it's gone and it's not here anymore because it's not my reality. And sometimes I have to remind myself, like I'll go back and reread it or I'll like text a friend and be like, hey, remind me, right? Like I'm cool. I'm safe. Everything's good. But like, again, it's such like a fleeting moment. And I'm so grateful that now This is my reality. And it's not what it used to be. And I i don't know you guys like it's just been a whirlwind of emotions recently. Honestly, the past few months have been like just an emotional fucking roller coaster. And I'm like, what is going on? Like it honestly feels like some Saturn return type shit. And I'm literally not even 27 yet. So I'm very confused.
00:10:54
awakenbake
but I'm riding with it. You know, we go with the current, not against it. That's what I'm trying to do. And I got to be honest, I got the Puffco Peak Pro and that bitch is helping quite a bit, quite a motherfucking bit. Also, you know what is helping me? I've been taking CBG every single day and it is a beautiful mood enhancer while it also is just like super good and has health benefits. Like I love it for the pain relief. I love it for the gut benefits that it has. It also kind of just helps my skin a lot because of that. But the mood enhancement is so lovely. And especially on a day where I am a grumpy motherfucking bitch, Typically that's on a day where I have to like wake up early. and That's when it comes in such handy, or did that even make any fucking sense, bitch? In such handy, I gotta go. What am I gonna go do? I'm gonna go more more snort, snort, snort, okay. Life's short, smoke, okay, okay, okay. Thank you guys so much for watching. um and Please like and subscribe. Tell your friends, tell your grandma, stay high, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for letting me kind of be here, kind of messy right now.
00:11:52
awakenbake
not really so together. um Like I said, my heart's been like racing this whole episode just because talking about this is very uncomfortable for me. But I'm okay. And I'm safe. And I know that I'm safe. And I'm really grateful for y'all. And I'm grateful for the community and the family that I've built. And I have a lot to look forward to and a lot to be thankful for. And this is just a really healthy outlet, I think. So I'm grateful for y'all. Love ya. All right. Bye, bitches.