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00:00:00
00:00:01
You Owe Him Nothing!
15 Plays2 months ago
In this weeks episode, Katelynn reads off listeners write ins which includes someone wanting to loose weight REALLY fast, a husband who has checked out and a woman wondering if she owes a man she rejected, an explanation and more!
Email the show at: thenotsorrypodcast@gmail.com
Tiktok: @notsorrypod
Instagram: @thenotsorrypod
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Transcript
Introduction and Agenda
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back not sorry babes. Today we are diving into your questions and your thoughts, your feelings, anything that you need help with, some perspective on, little tough love on, I'm your girl.
00:00:15
Speaker
We have a couple of good ones today. If you want to write in you can do the email below or you can just DM me on any of the socials that you are probably more than likely on or email is fine you can do that too.
00:00:27
Speaker
But um yeah, so let's dive in We are getting into some questions. We have a couple really good ones today. first one's a little longer than the rest, um but that's okay. I'm here for you.
00:00:40
Speaker
All right.
Addressing Marital Neglect Issues
00:00:41
Speaker
First one, subject line is, I'm neglected by my husband and just super lonely all the time. yeah Been there. Gosh, I say that every single time. um Okay, 31, mother of two, I've been married for seven years. My husband has always been my best friend.
00:00:57
Speaker
Our communication for as long as I can remember remember has been spot on and we are very open with each other. But lately he has been ignoring me a little bit more than usual and he seems to have completely disconnected from me.
00:01:09
Speaker
I have seen noticeable changes in in his behavior and he doesn't want to talk when I try to communicate how I feel. Often i try to initiate sex or intimacy and he just shuts it down. whole bit Um, man, triggering.
00:01:24
Speaker
I've always had the higher sex drive. Oh my God. Of the two of us, but he accuses of me of having a sex addiction because I regularly try to pursue him only to be rejected.
00:01:36
Speaker
I do everything I possibly can to take care of him and make him happy. I thought he was cheating and I thought, and I looked through his phone and found no evidence of any cheating. All right.
00:01:47
Speaker
I don't know. I just need help on what to do um to make him notice me. I've tried physical changes and he doesn't seem to notice. i was carrying baby weight, but I still have like, but I have lost like 50 pounds.
00:02:00
Speaker
Well, good for you since the birth of our two-year-old. Two-year-old. So I'm not overweight anymore. I wait on him hand and foot and let him know how much I appreciate him every day. Oh, man, I'm about to cry.
00:02:13
Speaker
um I suggested therapy, and that was a big fat hell no from him. Not that I'm the biggest fan of therapy either, so I'm not torn up about this refusal. I just didn't appreciate that it was shut down immediately and not even seen as an option to him. What am I doing wrong?
00:02:29
Speaker
Are you married my ex-husband?
00:02:34
Speaker
That's not funny. but But I feel like you're writing my exact experience. Bro, this is weird. This is weird.
00:02:47
Speaker
This is weird. um No, i that is exactly lee what I went through. i was doing everything i knew how to do. I was younger though.
00:02:58
Speaker
did you say? oh my God, yeah, 31. I was in my early twenty s um So I didn't have as many resources or experience on how to deal with things like this, so or with people like that, or anything.
00:03:13
Speaker
i you You are living my life, what was it? How old am I? 35, 34, 14 years ago? you're You're rewriting my history.
00:03:24
Speaker
ah Super weird.
Therapy and Self-awareness in Relationships
00:03:26
Speaker
um Yeah, got to the point where i was like, okay, no I know can confidently say for myself that I'm doing everything I know that I can in my wheelhouse to make this work and to do this.
00:03:44
Speaker
Lord. One day I'll have a quiet home or not such a loud apartment or live on such a loud street. Right. um Yeah. I got to the point where I was like, I just need to know that I personally am doing everything that I can because like, I don't want to regret making a huge life decision um when I know I could have tried this or that, I would still try to pursue therapy. Like if you have that hard conversation and just being like, I am at the end of my rope. If this is what you still want with your life, if you still want to be in this with me, this is what we're going to have to do. Right. And that sounds really aggressive or whatever, bring it up in a more tactful way.
00:04:30
Speaker
know me, was like, ah was like I was open to therapy and we did try that, but it was the same response where he just turned into like a 12 year old boy. Like he sat there with his arms crossed and barely responded. And I'm like, can you just say one thing? i don't know what's going on with you.
00:04:51
Speaker
I don't know. Like, it was just, I could not figure it out. And weren't together nearly as long as y'all have been. But um there's something, there's something up. Because when somebody starts to disengage, something changed his mind.
00:05:07
Speaker
There might not be cheating, but there's something that is changing his mind. You might be the perfect wife, but there's still something that is maybe a midlife crisis or I'm feel like a failure. This isn't how I wanted my life to turn out or whatever like people go through those like internal crises and It affects them and affects their life and the people around them that love them um So I personally wanted to do therapy because I was like I'm checking that box off I know it's gonna be a wash I know it's not gonna go anywhere and I was right because he was a fucking child
00:05:44
Speaker
But I just needed to check the box off to feel good about myself and the fact that like, oh, why'd you get divorced? Because I had a lot of shame surrounding like being divorced, even though My parents had already been divorced at that point.
00:05:57
Speaker
If they weren't, I don't know if I would have had the courage to actually get divorced because I grew up in an environment that was like, you work it out, you stay together forever, you know, very conservative, very Christian.
00:06:09
Speaker
And I still have those beliefs, but man, if the writing's on the wall and my favorite person in the world, what does he always say? Behavior's a language. And it sounds like what he's telling you is that he's not in this anymore, that he's not a part of this. Like he doesn't want this anymore.
00:06:26
Speaker
As devastating as that is, you do not need to bend over backwards to, to change his mind. You can continue to but it's not changing his mind. There's something else going on more than your physical looks or the way you clean the house or how perfect you are. Like it's,
00:06:48
Speaker
I know every woman does do that. I get that. I really, really feel like so I was like that. I was like, I'm going to do everything. I'm go to be the perfect wife. I'm just going to shut up and move on. And like, I was willing to like destroy who I am in order to make this marriage work.
00:07:04
Speaker
I was like that. But and I was like, I got to get to shut it down. i can't. Whatever it is about me is making him just be this way. And I must be somebody different. Like I was willing to go to the end of the earth.
00:07:20
Speaker
And a lot of women are. Really good women are willing to do that. And it's an absolute shame. that you're wasting it on someone who's treating you like that. 100% a shame.
00:07:32
Speaker
And so honestly, check off all the boxes so that if you end up parting ways, you don't have any regrets around like, I could have tried this, or I could have tried that, or you you know, it's not the wondering part, you know, but that fucking sucks, man. You're Living my life like, dude, I, I remember when, because I'm also a words of affirmation person, and I had the higher sex drive of the two of us.
00:07:58
Speaker
And remember I would kind of like hint or like ask for compliments. And i the way that he would shame me for making me feel like, oh you're so insecure. You need a compliment. Like, I don't need to tell you you're beautiful. Like, you should just know it. Or like, why do you need to hear it all the time? Like, what's wrong with you? Like, what?
00:08:20
Speaker
Like, what? And I felt so sad. It's so sad. But that... God, it just really shows just how immature and um emotionally immature he was. And just he couldn't muster one fucking compliment.
00:08:39
Speaker
Like, oh, maybe we should move on about to get really mad again. But I have done a lot of personal and growth, so don't worry. Don't you worry, guys.
00:08:50
Speaker
I'll ask for a compliment. And Mark now, he's so fucking funny. And it just warms my heart so much. When I first started to get to know him, one of the, his saying, he still says it several times a day. He'll just be like, do you think I'm cute?
00:09:06
Speaker
And I'm like, what? This man is asking if I think he's cute?
00:09:13
Speaker
He'll just randomly, I don't know where we'll be laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. And he'll just do you think I'm cute? my heart, my heart. Ladies, raise the bar, raise the standard. There are good men out there. I promise you, I promise you.
00:09:31
Speaker
Okay, well, good luck to you because that's a really tough situation to be in. And if you want a happy life for yourself and for your child, because Think about it from that perspective. like Is this the kind of model you want your child to think of as normal for how a man should be treating his wife, for a dad be treating mom? and how You said son, right?
00:09:56
Speaker
Hold on.
00:09:59
Speaker
Da-da-da-da-da.
00:10:03
Speaker
Pretty sure you said son. No, no, you didn't say. Either way, especially if it's a boy, you want a good male influence for that boy. And even for a girl, you want to show your daughter what a good man is and how a good man treats his woman, right?
00:10:19
Speaker
And if that's not motivation enough for you to really kick this into gear to find a resolution to... get rid of them? Like, I don't know.
00:10:31
Speaker
But you need to like sit down um and just be like, bro, bro, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm about to do this. We're going to move on from here. Where are you at with this? Are you still in this with me?
00:10:44
Speaker
I had that same conversation with my ex. And he was all like, really? 24 hours. He went back to normal. And, you know, you kind of give him several more chances. You're at the end of the fingers, right? And You know, it only lasted four years for me. So brush whatever your breaking point is, know it and trust it. Okay.
00:11:10
Speaker
All right. The next one, we're taking a very hard left turn into a very different subject.
Quick Fitness Solutions
00:11:16
Speaker
um Subject line is how do I get in shape like really fast?
00:11:21
Speaker
Oh boy. Pockle in, babe. I have so much on this subject. Okay. I feel so underconfident seeing myself in the mirror because I don't look, I don't have a normal body shape like most people.
00:11:35
Speaker
I can't wear certain colors and clothes because I just look fat. Oh, babe. I have stomach i have a stomach a stomach bunch and it feels like I have fat stored in my tummy, in the back and all around.
00:11:46
Speaker
I don't know how to really lose weight and and I'm eating more than I should be and barely move around. Well, there's one clue. I guess walking for 20 minutes a day isn't going to cut it. so many There's so many videos on diets and workouts and everything and it just feels like a scam.
00:12:02
Speaker
Please help. That was kind of a crazy little... yeah i'm Yeah, no, 20 minutes a day isn't going to cut it. You already have a couple of answers here.
00:12:15
Speaker
um You know that you're eating more than you should, hi If you are truly The reason why I have so many opinions about this is because I've been to the school of hard knocks. You should have seen how I looked three years ago.
00:12:30
Speaker
And I'm still on my fitness journey, still got some physicals that I'm going after. And every day, it's a new battle every day. It's a, you know, got to hone in the discipline and be a little bit better the next day, things like that.
00:12:44
Speaker
i'm when I first started, was more than three years ago. Three years ago is when I decided to get a coach and that's when I've been the most, no, I think it's four by now, but that's when I've been the most consistent was when I decided to get a coach. And before that, it was just kind of like tumble beating around the fitness industry and trying to do what I think was right falling off and on, off and on, off and on. Right. We've all been there.
00:13:08
Speaker
Um, But several years ago, i had gotten to the point kind of where you're at now where I'm just like, everything's so confusing to me. i don't know what is right, what is wrong, what's effective, what's not effective. There's so much noise in the fitness industry.
00:13:24
Speaker
It's super frustrating. Oh, podcast podcast. recommendation from my actual bestie. um It's called the basics of balance. She talks about everything that I'm to go into now to kind of clear out that noise and get effective real results in a very simple way. it does not have to be complicated. And it's so easy to overcomplicate.
00:13:46
Speaker
Okay, I can I can I have to do cardio fasted at 6am and only eat green food and hard boiled eggs and salads. And then at the end of the day, you're so fucking starving, you you binge something, right?
00:14:02
Speaker
Like it does not have to be that way. um but no, check out her podcast. It's new support her. She just started But, but um Okay, where it was I? go Several years ago when I really was feeling like I can't, I don't know what which way is right, which way is up, which way is down.
00:14:21
Speaker
So I just decided to wipe the slate clean. Like I was just like, okay, what do I know to be true? What I know to be true is like, okay, water is good for me. It's free. I know that's something I need to be doing more of.
00:14:34
Speaker
Check. Let's do that. So I started doing, that's literally where I started. Excuse me. And um so I started drinking a gallon of water day. yeah was hitting the pisser all the time.
00:14:47
Speaker
You do get used to it. Trust me, you do get used to it. Or it gets better. You don't have to go as often. Anyway, so that started. And I was like, ew, feel good. I had like a little bit more energy, just a tiny bit more energy every single day.
00:15:00
Speaker
um i had a clearer mind. i wasn't dealing with a headache every single day. i had a headache every single day of some sort, whether was really bad or really like mild. that magically went away. My skin got a little bit clearer. So because I felt just a little bit better, like I leveled up just a little bit, I got more curious because at the end of the day, my goal has always been to not be that decrepit old person in the nursing home withering away.
00:15:29
Speaker
I want to be, and it's possible, my, um, stepdad's father was 93 when he died, and he was still living on his own, still walking, still driving, everything, and he just had that that heart attack that just took him.
00:15:45
Speaker
That's what I want, you know, to be fully independent, be able to play with my grandkids and my great-grandchildren, and just be clear, like, he was such a funny guy, and that was, like, so inspirational when I met him.
00:15:58
Speaker
So that, in the end, has always been my goal, and Do I want that six pack? 100%. So does everybody, right? um And those can be my short term goals. But in the end, what really matters to me is having like a long, healthy life where I'm not withering away.
00:16:15
Speaker
So back in the day when I had that goal, i was like, all right, let's just start with water. And then I started to feel a little bit better. And then i was like, I just got curious rather than putting so much pressure on myself to bust my ass at this boot camp or eat nothing until five o'clock or fast, do that, you know, intermittent fasting. Like I tried it all, trust me.
00:16:39
Speaker
And, um, I just got curious. So I was like, okay, I want to hit the gym more, but I want to do like classes. So I found like a boxer size class that I really liked.
00:16:50
Speaker
I tried out water aerobics, like I just got curious. And I was so fucking bored and sad because I was married at the time that it was like the one thing I could control, you know, I just needed something to focus on. So that definitely helped.
00:17:04
Speaker
um and then know just like got more and more curious and just kind of went about my way and i tried out different types of diets went gluten-free you know i just experimented right and it got to the point where somebody was like hey you've lost some weight you look really good i was like what what really like that's everyone's dream to be like all of a sudden i just lost 20 pounds i don't even know what happened that was me mean though i was trying things i I just wasn't paying attention. I had luckily taken a photo of myself at the beginning of all this.
00:17:40
Speaker
And was like, oh, I forgot about that. Let me take another photo. And sure enough, I had lost some weight. And, you know, I went up and down since then until up until I got a coach. But it um It really, when you just go back to the basics, seriously, the basics are what's most effective.
Sustainable Diet Practices
00:17:56
Speaker
Because when it comes to, oh well, I lost so much weight when I did keto.
00:18:01
Speaker
I'm going to do that. No, keto did not work for you. It worked for you for a couple of weeks. And then what happened? You stopped doing keto and you gain the weight back, right? No, what works for you is something that you can um do for the rest of your life.
00:18:16
Speaker
You can't do keto or carnivore diet for the rest of your life. Absolutely not. People will rave about the results. Oh, try this, try that. I lost so much weight. I look so good. But can you do that forever? Because if you can't do that forever, whatever you're dealing with back before that, it's going to start happening again.
00:18:34
Speaker
like Please realize that. That's why flexible dieting or macroract like slash macro tracking is the most effective. So if you're someone who can't eat carbs, that's fine or whatever, whatever you know allergens or um irritations that you have, that's fine. That's aside the point.
00:18:52
Speaker
But that's why flexible dieting is so effective. It can be a little bit tricky to get to know at first. And it feels like because you're tracking calories, right? And at first, it kind of feels like you're in this jail cell, like, oh, oh I can't have fun. I'm gonna have to say no to date night. I can't go out with my girlfriends, blah, blah, blah.
00:19:10
Speaker
That's the point of flexible dieting. There's times when for sure i say like, I got to say no to this, or I can't drink or gonna skip the dessert this time or something like yes to get results you're gonna have to say no when you want to say yes okay gonna have to get uncomfortable so oh boy is this is what i love talking about this stuff i really love talking about this but yeah so get curious about macro tracking and it start with the basics all i i've been doing for four years now only tracking my protein and then overall calories and my coach
00:19:45
Speaker
and depending on like my goal in the moment, like right now i'm in a calorie deficit because um I don't like being on a diet during the summer. So I told her, I was like, hey, um let's do a calorie deficit right before the summer. Plus I got Turks and Caicos in June.
00:20:04
Speaker
Hallelujah. So let's look a little bit better for the beach. Why don't we? Right. And then for the summer, I'm going to be in my maintenance calories, which is a higher number of calories and still eating a lot of protein, right? So you go through these seasons throughout the year where I don't want to be in a calorie deficit for, you know, six months.
00:20:22
Speaker
Absolutely not. No. So that still takes time. But if you if you can't afford a coach or anything like that, that's okay. Do some research just on macro tracking. Download MyFitnessPal and just get used to tracking food. Even if you're not changing anything about your day-to-day diet, just track it.
00:20:41
Speaker
See what you're doing. Because what a lot of people do is they'll... Notice that they'll eat 2,500 calories one day, and then the next day they're eating like 1,300 because either they're super full or just have a lot of like regrets from the day before. And they're like, no, like I got to make up for it. I ate so much yesterday. i Can't eat anything today.
00:21:03
Speaker
Talk about ruining your metabolism. People think their metabolisms are fucked, but they're not. it's You're fucking it up. They're not broken. You just got to help it a little bit So getting curious about what you naturally eat day to day is a really, really good place to start. Drink your water, do more steps a day, do an overall step count. You don't have to be on the elliptical for four hours or anything like that. Get five to seven steps a day. that's what That'd be great, right? Five to seven steps a day. oh man.
00:21:38
Speaker
No, 5,000 to 7,000 steps a day. And um when I'm in, when me, when I'm in a maintenance phase, I get more to the 10,000 steps a day because I'm eating more food, right? Balance. Check out that podcast because I'm going to move on.
00:21:55
Speaker
I hope that helps. Let me know if that helps. um Okay, next one is a good one. Do I owe an explanation as to why I'm rejecting someone?
00:22:06
Speaker
Absolutely not. Moving on. all right. No, there's a little bit more to it. I told someone that I'm not romantically interested in them, and they want to meet in person for me to give him an explanation as to why I'm not interested.
00:22:18
Speaker
I declined, and now he wants a phone call. He said he deserves an explanation why, because it's going to drive him nuts. And he's asked me four times, bro. I'm afraid that he's going to try to convince me to change my mind. Do i owe an explanation as to why I'm rejecting him, or am I just going to make it worse?
00:22:37
Speaker
okay, he's being way too aggressive and you 100% do not owe him anything. If it were me and, you know, if he's being really aggressive, like, go unhinged on him. Just be like, yeah, you are XYZ. And, like, hopefully, maybe he can grow from it. Maybe he can learn from it.
00:22:55
Speaker
But at this point, like, no one will change your mind, okay? And if he's trying to like sales pitch you onto like why relationship with you is going to be the right decision for you. bro red flag, right?
00:23:08
Speaker
right
00:23:10
Speaker
No, I mean, send him, just send the text of like, yeah, this is why I am rejecting you. I hope you can learn from this. I believe that you're still a really good person, and blah, blah, blah. You have great qualities, but square peg, round hole, right?
00:23:27
Speaker
You don't owe him shit, okay? Gosh, you're never gonna see him again. So what's, you know, what's the worst that's gonna happen? Well,
00:23:39
Speaker
I take that back. was gonna say like, what's the worst that can happen if you kind of tell them the honest truth? You never know. But honestly, just be precautious. Don't be stupid.
00:23:51
Speaker
But just send that text like, no to all of that. But here's some helpful tips and tricks on to becoming a better person. And not so ah seemingly aggressive, right?
00:24:03
Speaker
Okay, I have three more, but I don't think we have time for that. Okay, I'm gonna read this next one, because I like this one. Subject line is, how do I get over the guilt of leaving a good man?
00:24:19
Speaker
Ooh.
Balancing Love and Ambition in Relationships
00:24:20
Speaker
I've been with my boyfriend for years and I just cannot do it anymore. He hasn't had a job since we were in school. Okay, here we go. He received a large inheritance and just gave up. He doesn't leave the house. He plays video games for 10 plus hours a day and he has no goals, dreams, or desires.
00:24:37
Speaker
He's a a loving, loyal, generous, good man. But when I think about the future, he's no longer in it. I just keep thinking that something is wrong with me for not looking past his flaws and letting go of a long-term relationship with no cheating or abuse because no one is perfect. And I at least knew he had a good heart and loves me. What do I do?
00:24:58
Speaker
Um, I get that. Um, when I, I've been in relationships where there was no cheating or anything like that. There was no like, you did this, we're done. Like, it's so easy just like have that one thing dependent on. But like, when you don't really know,
00:25:18
Speaker
It's a lot harder to justify why you're feeling this way, but trust your gut, trust your intuition, because I would never, I don't care if he's rich. I honestly stand by this, like mark my words. I don't care if he's rich, but if he does not work hard, if he um has no goals or even if he's fucking poor,
00:25:38
Speaker
I don't care. If you do not have goals, if you do not work hard, if you have no desires or dreams, we are not compatible. That's it. Like men think that, oh, you only want them. ah I would live in a fucking cardboard box with Mark because I know we would work our way out of it together.
00:25:57
Speaker
Like I would do that. But if you're like a multimillionaire and all you do is sit around the couch, fuck that. Uh-uh. No, what are you doing with this money that you have and are blessed with?
00:26:10
Speaker
What are you to Like, no, no, I get it. I get it. It's okay that, you know, two things can be true at once, right? He's a good and loving, loyal person. But at the same time, he's not somebody that you're attracted to in the end because he doesn't have these goals or desires or um desire to work hard. And a hardworking man is attractive for women, but to be honest, because it is.
00:26:38
Speaker
It's attractive for me to see that in women as well, that, wow, you work hard. Like i have a lot of respect for people who have goals and dreams and they work hard, all that stuff. You just don't respect him any anymore.
00:26:51
Speaker
And I get that. Have that conversation with him, man And, you know, what's going to happen, right? When you just say like, hey, you've been blessed with this with this money. and um But here's the thing.
00:27:05
Speaker
i I just can't see us together anymore because all you do is just sit around. There's a much more tactful way to go about it without sounding like accusatory, like you're a piece of shit. All you do is sit around on the couch and fucking do nothing.
00:27:21
Speaker
like Find a more practice the conversation with yourself and just find a more graceful, loving way to go about it But in a way that, hey, this is getting, you're going to understand where I'm coming from. You're going to this point. Okay.
00:27:35
Speaker
Get your point across, but in a good way. Right. um I totally get that, man. Yeah. That sucked. I, yeah, I can't, I can't keep going on about that. Cause like dudes are always like, ah you just want a man who is this or that. Like, uh, uh, I need to respect you. And if I don't respect you, i don't care how,
00:27:59
Speaker
perfect your hair is or your genetics or your family. Like, nah, if I don't have any respect for you, it's it's not going to work out. Not going to work out. And the same thing is like when, that's why I have a hard time with like, not authority, but if there's like a boss or someone who's leading me and I just don't respect them, I'm not staying there for very long because as much as I try to keep my mouth shut or, you know, put my head down and just work, bubble blah, blah, blah.
00:28:27
Speaker
It's coming out. It's coming out. I'm sorry. Oh my gosh. I could keep going on about that. But i will save these others for the next week. I do these ones every other week. So next week, we're just going to do like a little topic.
Closing Thoughts and Personal Goals
00:28:41
Speaker
I did a question of the week on last week's episode. If you want to reply to that. I can't remember what it was. That's okay. It'll be on the socials. But anyway, that's the podcast. Thanks for listening, everybody. If you want to write it in the show, you can do it in the email below or and on any of the socials. I am on Instagram. Fucking hate it, but...
00:29:02
Speaker
Whatever. It is what it is. But thanks again so much for your support. I really am trying to quit this job that I got. Bruh, it's been a rough week. But you know what?
00:29:14
Speaker
I got goals and dreams and desires and I'm gonna work till get what I want. Anyway, love you babes. Until next time,