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Making Friends Aint Hard
7 Plays7 days ago
In this weeks episode, Katelynn talks about how making friends actually isn't hard and why you might be making it harder on yourself.
Write into the show: thenotsorrypodcast@gmail.com
Tiktok: @notsorrypod
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Transcript
Why is it hard to make friends as an adult?
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome back everyone to the Not Sorry Podcast. Thanks for being here. going to have such a good time. So I have heard lately that it's difficult for some of you to, i don't know, make friends as an adult.
00:00:20
Speaker
I don't get it. um No, I kind of want to talk about this because I do see a lot of posts, a lot of videos, a lot of, and also hear, I have something on my glasses.
The role of community after school years
00:00:34
Speaker
I hear a lot of people talking about it as well, that it is hard to make friends with. As an adult, look, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. It's not.
00:00:47
Speaker
um It's not. Yeah, and I'm even talking to you at introverts, not just extroverts, but introverts. And I think extroverts, too, have a hard time every so often, um depending on who you are, maybe finding better quality friends, things like that.
00:01:03
Speaker
Take some work. That takes a little bit of dating around, if you know what I mean. So I wanted to talk about this because um having a community is super important when you're an adult because you have it so long as you're growing up.
Post-graduation friend group challenges
00:01:18
Speaker
like your school friends, elementary school friends, or your church friends, or high school friends, and then you get into college, and you have your college group, and then, you know, it just kind of transfers over, and I've seen um people, and I've heard of people,
00:01:35
Speaker
just feeling like life is over after graduation or something like that. Like, is this it? I feel lost. And they're stepping into the big world and they're just lost because they don't have their group anymore. They don't have their friends and it's, you know, everything's breaking apart, right? and And it feels kind of existential. Like I get that.
00:01:57
Speaker
I didn't go to college. Well, I did go to college. I went to a trade school. Um, but I get it because I grew up around a community. It was my church community growing up and it was huge. We had so many friends. All my brothers and I are really close in age. So we were friends with their sisters and their brothers were friends with my brothers. Like everyone was all friends and our parents, our friends' parents were friends with my parents. Like everyone was just intertwined like that. And it was so much fun. Like a lot, a lot of good memories, but
00:02:33
Speaker
um I have some helpful tips and tricks. Tips and tricks. ah I just watched that episode on Schitt's Creek. That is just the best. If you know, you know.
How to build and maintain adult friendships
00:02:44
Speaker
um But yeah, we're going to rip the bandaid off a little bit. And um we're going to hear some hard truths about making some friends as an adult. We just got to rip it off, right? you know, just dive right in. um First off.
00:03:00
Speaker
Making friends as an adult isn't hard. You're just not putting in the right kind of effort.
00:03:07
Speaker
What do you mean, Caitlin, you bitch? Uh, no. It's, let's say, let's give an example. Let's say... You do have some friends like you're an adult and you've met some people here and there, but nothing's really stuck. It's just kind of waned off or whatever. Maybe you do have a couple people. You have at least one and you definitely have at least one person in your contacts right now.
00:03:36
Speaker
that you kind of met and maybe made some arbitrary little bitty plans with, but they fell through. Like there's somebody in your phone right now that you can say, hey do you want to grab lunch? Or do you want to go to this trivia night?
00:03:51
Speaker
Right? It's kind of a sense of, well, it is vulnerability. And you got to get used to that. It's difficult. It's not difficult. It's just different as an adult making friends.
00:04:03
Speaker
Because in your church group or your um college friends or whatever you came from, was kind
The importance of commitment in friendships
00:04:12
Speaker
of just there. Like it was set in front of you and you just walked right through the door, right?
00:04:16
Speaker
As an adult, you got to put a little more effort into it. You can join some meetup groups and um just make a little more effort and don't be that fucking fakeky flaky friend.
00:04:28
Speaker
i don't I don't do that. Don't do that. Don't be that person. Please, because be the friend you want to be. um So put in the right kind of effort. It's going to feel awkward. Like just accept these weird feelings that you're going to have when you're trying to create your ideal friend group or just pursue a friendship with someone. It's going to feel weird and and awkward, uncomfortable maybe. It's just that vulnerability muscle that you really have to start exercising. Like it's going to take some time getting used to and finding like that right
00:05:05
Speaker
right friend okay next making friends as an adult isn't hard you're just not the kind of friend you want to be or have oh i'm so sorry i said that but i'm not just like i said be the friend you wanna um you wanna have are you somebody who flakes out on plans a lot Do you want someone doing that to you when you invite them over or when you plan a date or something like that?
00:05:33
Speaker
I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that question for you, every single one of you. So don't be that friend. And honestly,
00:05:45
Speaker
It is super rare for me to actually cancel plans with someone that I have made. It is extremely rare because I never double book and I'm rarely sick.
00:05:57
Speaker
So what else is there? I can't remember the last time that I canceled plans on someone. I could sit here for hours trying to think of it. But my friends know that if I do cancel
Dealing with flaky friends
00:06:12
Speaker
plans on them, like it's serious, like, and they don't take it the wrong way or they don't, they're not upset about it. Like it's serious if I cancel plans. So be that person. If you need to get to know yourself a little bit better and ask yourself, why do I do that? Why do I make plans i either know I'm not going to keep or to just...
00:06:33
Speaker
don't have the energy for or don't keep in general, like whatever that looks like for you, like ask yourself those questions and figure yourself out a little bit. I've had friends that I can't believe how much shit I've put up with just because they love them and they're my friend.
00:06:50
Speaker
Constantly rescheduling, constantly canceling. And it's just I've had to lay the hammer down a couple of times. I'm like, I can't keep putting up with this. This is ridiculous.
00:07:00
Speaker
It's so hard for me to kind of lay that hammer down because you're my friend. And I want to be graceful and compassionate to the circumstances. But there's a really big theme going on here. Like, I'm not a monster.
00:07:14
Speaker
um why is this happening all the time? And sometimes you you might just have to reevaluate your energy. And I have friends that a couple of them have FOMO, big FOMO. It's so cute.
00:07:30
Speaker
So when the group starts making plans, there's one or two of them, especially one of them, will always say maybe. because either, I mean, she's a mom too, so there's that factor. But she was like that before she became a mom.
00:07:44
Speaker
There was that factor of like, I don't know, I don't know what's going on that day. I might want to do something else. Like, I can't commit right now, but I want to be there and bla blah, blah, blah, blah. It's okay if you're like that. There's nothing wrong with that.
00:07:56
Speaker
But don't make solid plans with someone. Oh my God, I'm really going on tangent. Yeah. um That's just one example of being a good friend is not constantly canceling or flaking on your friends or whatever.
00:08:14
Speaker
um What's another good example? um
00:08:20
Speaker
just being a good person, like, that's just basics. Kinsling plans, maybe that's why I wrote that little thing down, because that really grinds my gears, man.
00:08:31
Speaker
Sorry, that shoot is so loud. um Yeah, definitely, just be the friend that you want to have, and ask yourself, again, ask yourself what that is, like, what kind of friends do I want to have in my life? I want to have Caitlin, because she tells it like it is, um or somebody who likes to do these kinds of activities, or like maybe someone with a certain type of ah morality, or yeah is someone who's a good person and someone who can...
00:09:03
Speaker
ken love me in a way like this. You know what I mean? Like i'm I'm kind of all over the place, but it can be someone who likes to do these certain activities or it can just be some, a type of person.
00:09:14
Speaker
I want
Self-worth and attracting the right friends
00:09:15
Speaker
good, wholesome people in my life. That's not going to talk about me behind my back or create drama or stuff like that. Are you doing any of that? Like look in the mirror a little bit. If you're not great, just check yourself just a little bit.
00:09:30
Speaker
Okay, next. Making friends as an adult isn't hard. You're just not valuing yourself the way you should be, babe. You're just not...
00:09:42
Speaker
There are people i have experienced in my life who just can't seem to keep friends. They are constantly being so self-critical about themselves that it kind of create it.
00:09:56
Speaker
It creates the fear that they're trying to avoid and people not accepting them for who they are or um having that core group that you just feel at home and safe with because they don't value themselves as much as they should. and And I don't want to be around anyone that's negative.
00:10:17
Speaker
Do you? If you're constantly self criticizing, and um devaluing yourself and thinking less of yourself, like what conversations are you having with yourself? How are you speaking to yourself? Is it really negative?
00:10:32
Speaker
Are you being way too hard on yourself? Chances are there's people that just don't want to be around that. Hello, I'm one of them. So again, know, all of maybe I should rename this podcast because like a lot of this really is just about checking yourself, looking in the mirror a little bit and just kind of being, all right, am I who I'm supposed to be? Am I somebody that I want to be?
00:10:57
Speaker
um Am I where I want to be in my life? You know, So same thing applies with your friends. If you're not valuing yourself, you're not having people around you that value you.
00:11:10
Speaker
And that includes all sorts of relationships. You hear? um all right. Next, making friends as an adult isn't hard.
00:11:21
Speaker
You're just not used to feeling vulnerable. said that a little bit earlier. It's true. You got to start exercising that vulnerability muscle. I'm doing it now, babe, like with the podcast this podcast.
00:11:32
Speaker
Vulnerability is one muscle and you can exercise it in a multitude of ways. it's right It's hard. You really do feel like you're exposing yourself in a really gross, naked way.
00:11:45
Speaker
I've met people, everyone's had that drunken night at the bar where you grab a couple of girlfriends' numbers. and you like, or you're in the bathroom with all these like drunk girls and you're making all these plans and like you never see or hear from them again. Like we've all done that. That's not quite what I'm talking about.
00:12:06
Speaker
But I've also met people where I'm like, you're really cool. Like i want to hang out with you. Give me your number or me your Instagram or something. And we try to like connect or they just don't respond to me because yeah, it's kind of weird. Like you were drunk when you were having this conversation with me and oh my god that's not you were drunk having this conversation with me so the next morning when I'm like because I'm a person who follows through like don't don't test me on that um it does feel weird and if you want to ghost me ghost me if you want I don't want you in my life anyway
00:12:47
Speaker
But, you know, and we've all been there. and just be the person that follows through a little bit more and it's gonna feel icky and weird and just accept that fact.
00:12:59
Speaker
When you get over that hump that, okay, it's gonna feel this way, get over it, let's move forward. Things get so much easier. And when you start to develop that core group, like you don't really have to keep doing this. You don't have to keep dating around for new friends.
00:13:17
Speaker
I, um, I, do I have one more? Yep. One
Overcoming excuses to socialize
00:13:21
Speaker
more last point and we'll keep talking. Making friends as an adult isn't hard. You're just making up excuses.
00:13:30
Speaker
What can those excuses possibly be? You're not getting out of your damn house or you're not, um, replying to an invitation that you got or you're too tired or you're you're that.
00:13:44
Speaker
Like, um, like No, no, no, no. i want to hear it. i want to hear it. You're too tired. Take a nap. Otherwise, you're sticking with those plans that you made. Oh, this is what that podcast, this podcast should be about. Just not being a flaky person.
00:14:04
Speaker
Flaky people have been booted from my life. Trust me, it's gotten that bad and it's a sore spot. Can you tell?
00:14:14
Speaker
But stop making excuses. Man, I'm sick of seeing posts on Facebook being like, why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? And I'll see a lot of those posts and it is actually not a bad idea in these like Facebook groups that are in Nashville just for women.
00:14:29
Speaker
film but All the time I see them. i'm I'm an adult. It's so hard to make an adult. It's so hard to make friends as an adult. So here I am. I'm 35. thirty five i live here. i have these dogs. I'm married. I want to hang out with girls. These are the kinds of things i like to do.
00:14:46
Speaker
And there'll be tons of comments. That's so cute. But are you actually like, did you make that post in kind of a weak moment? And then you get all these responses from cool people and you just kind of let it go.
00:15:00
Speaker
because it's now, oh, I actually have to like stick to what I said I wanted to do. It's weird. It's hard. Get used to it.
00:15:11
Speaker
I had a friend. Those are all my, we're done with the bandaid ripping. I promise. Um, I had a friend a while ago when I first moved. No, it was actually years after I moved to Nashville.
00:15:25
Speaker
And this is how I made all the friends that I have now, like my core group that I feel loved in. I feel safe in great, great girls. And I mean, I have other friends in other pockets.
00:15:39
Speaker
And they're all just they're everyone, all my friends in my life are equally important to me. But there is ah a core group that I've had for quite some time. And i met them because someone decided to be extra vulnerable and create a community for women. And what did she do?
00:15:57
Speaker
She started hosting women at her house, strangers, literal strangers, every Monday from six to nine. Like literally it was nine o'clock, you had to leave. And it was called Monday Funday. And i I saw a Facebook memory pop up because she would take a selfie and after every night before a bunch of people would go home or something, but she would take a quick selfie and post it in the little Facebook group.
00:16:25
Speaker
And I just saw a memory pop up and it was seven years ago. Like just one of them. Like it was so long ago, but it feels like yesterday and I miss it. But i just saw a random Facebook post that Someone said that her friend was hosting
A personal story of making friends
00:16:42
Speaker
wine night at her house. If anybody is looking to meet new friends, just bring a bottle of wine.
00:16:48
Speaker
And I was kind of like in a sad place in my life where... I didn't really have anybody. i didn't have a lot of friends. What was I doing? I was just working, being in stupid relationships.
00:17:00
Speaker
And man, I really didn't. I can't believe that. It's someone like me. I was not in a good spot. um But I saw this invitation to all these strangers and I'm like, okay, yes, that sounds great. A wine? Yeah, check.
00:17:16
Speaker
I'll be there. And so she messaged me the address and i pull up after work. I'm just in my scrubs. And because I was a massage therapist, I had to wear scrubs.
00:17:27
Speaker
I pull up to this house and I'm like, I see cars like it's so awkward. I'm walking into a stranger's house. I see cars and I pull up and I like hear people, but I don't see anybody inside. I was like, what am I doing? So I like walk in and I see everyone's out on the back deck and I'm like, who do I talk to? i don't know what to do. Who's the girl that invited me that was messaging?
00:17:52
Speaker
I found her and I was like, oh, hey, her name was Colby. was hey, Colby, like Caitlin, blah, blah. She's like, oh, great. And she introduced me to a couple other girls. I would sit and have conversations. And the cool thing about that night, and we didn't do it very often in in that on those Monday fun days was we did a two truths and a lie game.
00:18:13
Speaker
And that was so perfect for me because I have some really good ones. And that got me so popular because my, my ah two truths were just so unbelievable. I won't say them now because I got to keep them just in case if I play the game again.
00:18:31
Speaker
But it um it stuck in people's minds. And so that got me comfortable with the group real quick. And you get to get a couple of glasses of wine in your girl. And i I'm yapping. I'm going off. I'm asking questions.
00:18:45
Speaker
It's okay, ladies, to have a little bit of liquid courage. If you're sober, I'm sorry. Like, don't listen to me. But... um Yeah, so that is how, and I went to that every single, it was open invitation, right?
00:18:59
Speaker
There were some Mondays that I would miss if work ran late or something like that, or I was traveling, but it was just open invitation. There was usually the same kind, the same invitation.
00:19:10
Speaker
Girls that would come but there would be a lot that would come and go sometimes it'd be smaller group. Sometimes there'd be like 30 women there. It was amazing and I would just be there every single Monday and I was dedicated and Eventually the girl who hosted that moved away um So the group disbanded. It's so sad. And I would have loved to keep kept have kept it going, but I was not in a a home that could have done that. um But after that, you kind of, you stick to the people. There's a certain amount of people. And even outside of that Monday Funday, when it was still happening, we would hang out. There were, I would get numbers from other girls.
00:19:52
Speaker
And we would hang out separately. So you kind of like gravitate towards certain people. And there's still a couple to this day that I'm still friends with.
Creating and nurturing a community
00:20:01
Speaker
And whenever people are like, how'd you all meet? I'm like, oh, my God, I love telling that story. It's way better than the way Mark and I met. Like, I'm just kidding.
00:20:10
Speaker
um And then, you know, that's how I got my core group. And the girl who started group. Monday Funday, she was telling me this story about her starting that.
00:20:21
Speaker
And the first couple of Mondays, she was so like scared and nervous, like no one was coming. She's like, why am I even doing this? I just want to create a good community of women. And like she doubted herself for a minute because it didn't pop off right away.
00:20:37
Speaker
But then it turned into what it became. And it was just so beautiful. But that's just like such... a prime example of what of the kind of person you could be if you're especially if you're an extrovert um creating that like taking charge and creating that kind of community around you and helping others at the same time or doing what I did and walk into a stranger's home and drink if couple bottles of wine oh don't let me say that but I drank a lot of wine oh my god those were the days
00:21:10
Speaker
um So yeah, I want to from you the creative ways in which you have met your favorite friends, your besties, um or any ideas that you have for others ah to meet new friends in person, not online.
Creative ways to make friends
00:21:27
Speaker
um We all have online friends, right? That's really fun. But yeah, so I'm, let's see. It is time for...
00:21:39
Speaker
our buzzkill
Podcast growth goals and personal anecdotes
00:21:40
Speaker
segment. I really need to put some music right there. um My buzzkill segment, if you don't already know, is just a quick segment about something that just really killed the vibe recently and just really made me mad.
00:21:53
Speaker
And i need a i need an environment to bitch about something. Really, that's all this is. So... This past Friday, Mark and I went on a double date with another couple, obviously, to a new spot, a tapas bar, restaurant in...
00:22:16
Speaker
It doesn't matter where it's at. But it's it was called the Iberian Pig in Nashville. And we were looking forward to it I had been looking at the menu forever. And that place was so incredible. Some of the best food I've had in a while. And i will give them kudos before I start bitching about something. Yeah.
00:22:39
Speaker
The tapas, like, you know, tapas is, like, small, like, tiny little plates. Like, everything was basically appetizer size and some some portion sizes were surprisingly large. Like, there was a flatbread, like, you think a little flatbread, like, tapas style is going to be, like, three bites or four bites, right?
00:22:58
Speaker
And, um... that flatbread was it was extremely thin thin which is fine but it was huge it was almost a regular size pizza it was crazy and they had the best empanadas i've ever had they had croquetas like four of them and they were like in a ball oh my gosh anyway we go to order drinks I love sangria. And they have sangria on the menu.
00:23:25
Speaker
Perfect. You can order a pitcher for the table. Perfect. But what is a main ingredient in sangria? Yes, it's brandy. But no, did they did they add that to the sangria pitcher?
00:23:39
Speaker
No, unless you want to pay for it.
00:23:45
Speaker
I'm sick of that. I'm sick of that. Of people, companies... Businesses finding the stupidest ways to charge extra for something just to get that extra fucking dollar.
00:23:58
Speaker
Sangria is meant to have brandy in it. You don't charge extra for that. And we asked what kind of sangria this was. Like, is it a mix? Like, because it's a mixture of different juices and wine and all that stuff.
00:24:14
Speaker
No, it's just like some random bottle thing or whatever. And they just toss some fruit in it. And um that was it. ah We still got it. yeah But how stupid is that?
00:24:27
Speaker
I can't... I complained about it for a minute. I was like, okay, I need to calm down. I'm going ruin the night. I would... I'm not somebody that's going to bitch to the server. Like, I'm not that person.
00:24:41
Speaker
So, like, grab the manager and be like, you're not charging me extra for that. Brandy should be free because it's a main ingredient. Like, I'm not... and going to be that person. So Mark, bless his heart, really takes the brunt of um my anger, anger toward other things.
00:25:04
Speaker
So yeah, that just really, that really was a buzzkill, like literally buzzkill because there was less alcohol. No, we we did pay for the extra brandy. Well, Mark paid for the extra brandy. Like, I'm such a hypocrite.
00:25:15
Speaker
um But yeah, that was a major buzzkill. What is a buzzkill you've experienced recently? I would love to hear your buzzkill stories. You can write into the email or um just DM me on TikTok because you're probably watching this on TikTok.
00:25:32
Speaker
um I love that. Like, I actually would really want to hear other people's little buzzkill moments you've had recently because we need to complain it's okay to bitch about things and then you know move on um All right, lovely ladies. And that's the episode. Thanks again for listening. We're trying to put out a lot more episodes more and more um just for the algorithm purposes. And i just because I'm this is my dream and I'm trying to quit my nine to five. I put it out into the universe.
00:26:05
Speaker
I hard launched it on TikTok, which was super scary and vulnerable of me. And um so far, only one mean comment. We deleted it. Don't worry. Yeah.
00:26:17
Speaker
So yeah, we're on our um quitting our nine to five journey. Hopefully it doesn't take very long. Please, Lord. But thanks for your support. You're helping me every step of the way.
00:26:28
Speaker
Love you. talk to you later.