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00:00:01
Commitment Issues
8 Plays19 days ago
In this episode, Katelynn reads off some listeners write ins! How to get men to commit to you and if someone should break up with their boyfriend!
Write in your questions or situations at: thenotsorrypodcast@gmail.com
TT: @notsorrypod
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Transcript
Introduction and Host's Role
00:00:01
Speaker
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Not Sorry Podcast. I am your favorite tough love bestie because you know you need it. We all need that girl, that friend in our life that um just kind of gives it to us straight and loves you at the same time. That's me.
00:00:21
Speaker
um But yeah, welcome back.
Listener Write-in Segment Introduction
00:00:23
Speaker
um Today we have our very first ride into the show. Well... Um, more like I, um, put out into the interwebs in my communities and things like that, asking some questions, getting some feedback, getting some responses, X, Y, just so we have something share. So, um, because right now, um, you can write in via email or via
Listener Relationship Concerns
00:00:50
Speaker
TikTok.
00:00:50
Speaker
That's where I'm at on the socials, not Instagram, because we all know that's, that place is effed.
00:00:59
Speaker
Okay, um we have, I'm like out of breath and I did not get my water. That's okay. um Yeah, so we have two responses here and it's mostly like relationship advice, which I'm literally the expert on.
00:01:13
Speaker
Not really, but might as well be. but um Okay, um two relationship ones. We're just We're just gonna dive right in. I'm looking at my nose, making sure I didn't forget anything.
00:01:26
Speaker
Um, yeah, two relationship style ones, so let's go. The title of this one is, Should I Stay With My Boyfriend or Leave Him?
00:01:38
Speaker
Or the subject line, really. Um, hi, thanks for reading, but I need some relationship advice here. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and he hasn't been himself lately.
00:01:50
Speaker
Girl, we've been there. ah He's working almost every day now from 9 in the morning till midnight with a two to three hour break in between, which he uses for lunch. We don't go on dates anymore and he seems tired, angry, or distant most of the time.
00:02:04
Speaker
We go to the same school, I'll see you later, but he doesn't even make time for us while we have classes on days he's not working. It has made me question our relationship and make me wonder if I'm just pushing him when he has when he has so much work to do or just asking for my basic rights. Oh oh my God.
00:02:22
Speaker
Do I have the right to feel this way? Oh my God. And by the way, my problem is mostly with the quality of our relationship. Thanks again. Oh, um, oh babe.
Understanding Relationship Behaviors
00:02:36
Speaker
Yeah, a lot of people, especially everyone needs to know, this is my favorite saying in the world is Behavior is a language. My favorite Dr. John Deloney, listen to his podcast.
00:02:50
Speaker
You'll learn so much. And that's where I get a lot of my information from. But his big thing is behavior is a language. So what is he telling you?
00:03:01
Speaker
He doesn't have time for you. He doesn't want to make time for you. He doesn't want to be with you. So yes, you absolutely have the right to feel that way because your feelings are valid.
00:03:15
Speaker
Feelings aren't facts, but they are valid. So if you want someone who makes time for you, it's okay if um your partner works a lot and, may you know, that is normal part of life where you're in a phase of going to school and working a lot and you're just trying to hustle, right? Like
Setting Boundaries and Communication
00:03:35
Speaker
we've been there. And I told Mark that the other day, I was like,
00:03:37
Speaker
Dude, we have no kids, you know, not a lot of commitments, really. So now's the time because he is starting to feel guilty about having to travel more often and he works.
00:03:48
Speaker
late-ish most days and he was feeling a little guilty and sometimes I act like a child and like no I need you now and um but I told him I was like just know that I yeah I might be like a little sad or something like that but don't take it too much to heart because we're in this place where we have the opportunity to climb the ladders of our goals and really go after what we want but At the same time, when I lay a boundary, like, hey, usually Friday nights is like the night we go out, we get dressed up, we go out to dinner, whatever.
00:04:26
Speaker
um And usually there's a reservation. been a couple of times that he's got it close. And I'm like, babe, I am running late just stresses me out. So. There's been some times where i'm like, can we, can you please be done by five o'clock this on Friday? That would make me feel really good. That would make me really happy, less stressed out.
00:04:47
Speaker
And guess what? He does it. So when your partner hears what you're saying and still doesn't do what you're asking or even care, yeah girl, go. You're young enough.
00:05:00
Speaker
There's going to be a lot of time. Oh, and I say this. Oh my God. I say this all the time. um Well, actually not all the time. Every person who's been in their 20s or early 20s or a teenager, which is every single one of us, has had an older person come to them and say, oh, you're
Encouragement for Young Listeners
00:05:21
Speaker
so young. You have so much time. Have fun. Take your time.
00:05:26
Speaker
You don't need to rush. There's so much more out there. Like we've all heard that. And every single time we have heard someone say that, you want to slap them up against the head, right? Like it's... I still think about that.
00:05:38
Speaker
And, um but I hate hate to say it, but it's true. I'm sorry, ladies. It's so true. If you're in your early 20s or even in your 20s and you feel like the world is crashing down on you you, you're in this relationship that you're not so sure about, but you're in a relationship, you know, or yeah i'm kind of getting off the track here, off the rails, but it's important to remember that, yeah, there's people who have the childhood sweethearts,
00:06:07
Speaker
I'm adjusting this myself. um Who have childhood sweethearts and they stay together since forever. But their behavior was a language that was good and that was um healthy for the relationship, right? They made time for each other. They were committed to each other.
00:06:24
Speaker
They had shared goals. They had shared values and morals and ethics and all these things. So if your value and your desire is to have someone that...
00:06:37
Speaker
Yeah, it's okay if they work hard and long hours, but know when to be like, hey, you're right. um like I'm going to take Saturday off. Let's just have fun together. Let's relax together. Let's spend some time together.
00:06:50
Speaker
If they're not doing that and you still have expressed, honey, it's time to um lay the law down or just go. Honestly, wouldn't be surprised if you have that unfortunate conversation of like,
00:07:07
Speaker
um Not an ultimatum. I hate ah hate doing that with like relationships. It's like if you don't do this by this time, then we're over. Now, it's more like, this is what I have been experiencing between with our relationship, and it's telling me that you're not into this as I am.
00:07:29
Speaker
And I want to have a clear adult conversation and see if that's true, because this is what I'm feeling, and sometimes feelings, like I said, are not facts. So am I right here or am I wrong here?
00:07:42
Speaker
And hopefully, he's still a good person and will say, what you're feeling is correct. I'm just not into this as much as you are. Maybe it's, but you know, ah definitely sugarcoating it and it's easier said than done.
00:07:57
Speaker
But you you know what I mean? It's okay to have those hard conversations because instead of wandering around in the clouds, wondering what's going on, what they're thinking, what they're doing, am I being too much? Am I pushing them too much? am i I putting too much pressure on them? Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Like, well, then ask.
00:08:15
Speaker
Like, it ever people avoid, all do it, I do it, um tough conversations or tough questions because you are scared of the answer because you know deep down that if you ask them, like, hey, are you still into this relationship or not? Like, what's up?
00:08:31
Speaker
And if they say, yeah, no, why You don't want that. But at the same time, you do because you have an answer and you can move on with your life. And there's billions of men in the world.
00:08:43
Speaker
The dating world is so scary. I don't care. Get over it. Have some fun. go You're in school, right? um Sorry, I got a phone call.
00:08:54
Speaker
You're in school, finish your school, focus on yourself, have fun, grow your career, work hard. Yeah. Work some hours, whatever you have your answer. And that should be a relief in the long run. Maybe not immediately, but you have your answer. When people reveal themselves to you, whether you like it or not, be thankful because now you have the answer. you You know who you're dealing with and you know exactly where you stand in that relationship when you ask hard questions.
00:09:22
Speaker
I know it's hard, but if you tell the universe, hey, I need the door to open in a way where I can ask this hard question a little bit easier. Does make sense?
Personal Breakup Story and Lessons
00:09:36
Speaker
There have been multiple, I mean, multiple conversations that I needed to have and knew I needed to have, but didn't have them for quite some time, ah long time, short amount of time, but a period of time would go by where I was just waiting for the universe to open the door to be like, oh, this is my chance to ask that question. And it's easy because i was looking for the opportunity. I once was dating a boy and I knew it needed to end.
00:10:10
Speaker
knew it wasn't the right guy, but you know, you kind of just like wait around for like the signs or whatever. Anyway, it was May of 20... Shoot, when did my mom get married?
00:10:24
Speaker
ah mom got remarried. Anyway, I was back in town for her wedding, left the boy in Tennessee, and I always have hearts to hearts with my mom. She's such a good mommy.
00:10:36
Speaker
I love her so much. And um anyway, this conversation we were having while we're running around doing wedding errands, I came to the realization like I'm i'm breaking up with him. Like I'm going to do it. But I was scared because this guy was a little bit psycho.
00:10:50
Speaker
And you'll hear why in a second. And um I was little scared. So I needed to find and work up the courage to be able to, one, have the conversation and know what to say that in hopes I can say in a way that doesn't have him absolutely go bonkers.
00:11:12
Speaker
So that was May. i didn't break up with him until that july so it was three months. And he knew something was up, like my behavior was off and he was trying to be sweet and like, you know, down to heart, he was an all right guy.
00:11:27
Speaker
I don't know. He doesn't deserve that. ah But i will say, regardless of who you are as a person, there's always that soft side that, you know what i mean? That might be too generous for some people out there, but and moving on.
00:11:43
Speaker
um He knew something was up and I woke up one morning. It was crazy. i woke up one morning. It was Sunday. the week after 4th of July. And I was like, it was crazy. I literally opened my eyes and I was like, today's the day.
00:11:58
Speaker
Like, it was that was it. Like someone said, hey, Caitlin, go to the, um you need to wake up. Like, okay, wake up. That's how clear it was that the universe was telling me today's the day. Today's the day.
00:12:10
Speaker
So I woke up before he did, literally packed my car as quietly and as quickly as I could before he woke up. crazy and kind of scary right and he woke up and i was like hey we need to talk so we had this long conversation he was really sad and like trying to get me to convince like convince me to like it's only temporary you're not gonna see other guys right i'm like right sure um okay and And I had a, I took advantage of a friend who offered me her couch to sleep on and she came over and helped me out a little bit, gathered more of my things. And, yeah, that was, you know, I just asked God to give me that, that sign of, and that courage and gumption to do something really, really hard. And,
00:13:04
Speaker
He stalked me for like the next two weeks. It was wild. He like put a knife in my tire one time. Would always like... Okay, first I need to say, because of those three months where I knew I was going to break up with him, I had gotten over the breakup before it even happened, right? So when we actually broke up, and raise your hand
Self-Improvement for Better Relationships
00:13:24
Speaker
if you've been there.
00:13:25
Speaker
When we actually broke up, I moved on really quickly, least to him anyway. Like I jumped right into dating. Like I was so ready for that relationship to be over, got over, got over.
00:13:37
Speaker
And like I've said in previous episodes, there was relationships one right after the other. There's always a couple dudes waiting in line, if you know what I mean.
00:13:49
Speaker
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. That's fine. Whatever. I was in my twenty s and so because he stalked me, he saw that I was seeing a guy and like going out on dates with a guy. And he would text me from like odd numbers and like...
00:14:06
Speaker
would text me saying like, I saw you at blah, blah, blah. And he would be at this restaurant. One time he was at a restaurant when I was out on a date with the guy. And as I was leaving the restaurant, I see him on the patio. I'm like, fucking A. And he like made a scene, like flipped over a chair. And I was like frozen in time. Oh, hey, Walter.
00:14:26
Speaker
um Frozen. I was so scared. And I don't know what I was thinking, but I went home and I knew he he knew where I had lived because sadly i had to ask him to help me move into this new place that I had gotten.
00:14:42
Speaker
i know big, big, big mistake. If a guy is super sketch and he had gotten a hold of, cause I had no one else to help me. Like I really didn't. Um, I'm surprised he did. Well, no, I'm not surprised because his angle was he got ahold of my phone and some goddamn reason I did not have a passcode on it at the time.
00:15:04
Speaker
and i'm convinced he put a tracker on my phone um because there were things that he would text me like knowing where i was when he shouldn't like he does not have that much time unless he took some time off of work to follow me from dawn till dusk like there was no way like i was going on a trip to with a guy to florida like we're driving down there And he texted me while I was in like Georgia driving. He's like, i where where are you going? Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh my God.
00:15:40
Speaker
I tried taking the phone to like the geek squad at Best Buy. And they're like, I don't really see They just like looked at my phone, swiped through it a little bit. I'm like, there's nothing. ugly ah so You thought this was your expertise.
00:15:57
Speaker
Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, yeah but um there's been some women who have gone through much worse things after having difficult conversations, but i will I am here to say that it does get better.
00:16:11
Speaker
Don't be dumb. Stay safe, but don't be afraid to have tough conversations because that leads you to where you want to be in life. hey And like I said, the Dr. John Deloney show on YouTube and his podcast will give you a lot of great tools and resources on how to have those conversations and give you the right language to hopefully get to where you want to go.
00:16:36
Speaker
All right. Almost out of breath on that one. ah All right. Let's go to the next one. Relationship advice as well.
00:16:47
Speaker
The subject line of this one is how do you get men to commit to you? Oh, girl. Okay. Short and sweet.
00:16:58
Speaker
Hey, thanks for reading. um But I am always very lonely in the relationships I am in full ah I am full of self-doubt. Every man I have been with eventually makes me booty call material and takes it no further. Promises unfulfilled.
00:17:13
Speaker
I finally thought I met my first boyfriend. ah Yeah, and he has hit me with the news he's moving out of the country. Oh, my God. Classic. So all the months spending spending getting to know him was just fulfilling a p... order on his end of the bargain while he waits to move. Is there something men look for in long-term partners specifically?
00:17:37
Speaker
Is it the personality of the man himself? I need help. Thank you. Um, yeah. I don't know how old you are.
00:17:47
Speaker
um oh man. First of all, just don't. but We've talked about this in like other episodes where it's like, babe, it it really starts with you.
00:18:01
Speaker
If you want to attract the right man, it's time to look in the mirror. Oh, I know that's really hard to hear. know, I know. and all But with all the love of my heart, if you are experiencing men who are just using you as a booty call, there is something that they're seeing that you're not seeing about yourself.
00:18:21
Speaker
I hate to say it. You're probably a really beautiful woman with really, really great qualities and um great personality. Like, I'm not saying that sarcastically. But there is something that you they see that the certain type of man, that booty call type man is seeing in you that's attracting them to you and you're not seeing what they're seeing. Okay.
00:18:46
Speaker
So it's going to take some time. for you to kind of self-reflect and see like, okay, what is that? Like I am relationship material i or I want to be relationship material or better relationship, right?
00:19:01
Speaker
It's going to take time for you to self-reflect, do some personal growth and figure out like, why is it that I'm attracting attracting the wrong guy? So it's not about just getting any man to commit to you because you don't want that.
00:19:17
Speaker
If you lasso some random guy into your little commitment ring, it's not going to be well. It's not going to go the way you think. It's not going to go the way that you hope because they don't want to be there. You don't do you really want to convince a man to commit to you.
00:19:42
Speaker
a I don't think so. You want them to want that, right? That's the goal. So I would take a beat and just don't.
00:19:55
Speaker
if you want to If you're okay with a booty call once in a while, I know I was okay with like a booty call every so often just to kind of take the edge off, then yeah, maybe me hang on to a few numbers.
00:20:06
Speaker
But don't expect anything more of it. Don't hope for anything more. know exactly where you stand and Just take some time for yourself. I know that's the stupidest advice.
00:20:19
Speaker
No one likes to hear it. No one wants to hear it. But if you want to attract the right man, do some inner work. Read a book. I didn't go to therapy.
00:20:30
Speaker
I've done a ton of personal growth without having to go to therapy because expensive, right?
Recommended Resources for Development
00:20:37
Speaker
And thankfully, thank God, i grew up in a home that dealt me a really good hand when I was born.
00:20:43
Speaker
Not perfect, right? but not so bad that I need therapy in adulthood. um so what But everybody needs to grow. Everyone needs to evolve for the better, including you, okay?
00:20:56
Speaker
And so what I did was just listen to some podcasts that I thought was good and that was helpful, helped me grow. I think I recommended one a little bit ago.
00:21:09
Speaker
And he also has a book called Living the Non-Pathetic. Yeah, living the non-anxious life or non-anxious life, something like that. Highly recommend.
00:21:20
Speaker
So read some books. If you're not a book reader, I know I've said this before, get over it or do audiobooks, whatever. Whatever you need to do to have some personal growth.
00:21:31
Speaker
I will recommend another book. I think I have recommended this before, um but it's a great starter book for personal development if you're trying to get into that genre, but it's just kind of, you you don't want to feel like you're eating your vegetables all the time, right? That's what I describe self-help books to be is like eating your vegetables.
00:21:52
Speaker
um A great place to start is Jen Sincero, her book called You Are Badass. Great, great, great book. It's funny, it's witty, but also really helps you to start, kickstart that self-reflection process and getting curious about who you are, why the world is responding to you the way that it is, things like that. I will also recommend um the Enneagram.
00:22:16
Speaker
Girl! I know so much about the Enneagram. It's not even funny. Used to coach on it a little bit. um I highly recommend learning your type. When I learned my type, I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders because my type, for those of you who do know the Enneagram of type eight,
00:22:38
Speaker
which is a very, on paper, a very masculine personality and does very well in the world. But from a ah female, it's, and I grew up in church too, right?
00:22:48
Speaker
They don't like that kind of stuff. So learning about the Enneagram really, really helped me understand who I am at my core, why i do what I do, and just getting more and more curious about myself while also giving myself the amount of grace, love, and compassion that I need in order to get to know myself better. And that's what recommend for this lovely lady who wrote in and anyone else listening is how important it is to to grow for the better.
00:23:22
Speaker
Because if you don't like what the world is offering you, the most that you can control is yourself. Okay. Hashtag facts.
00:23:32
Speaker
Okay. That was wrong. good um Okay. To end the episode, we are going to dive into my buzzkill segment.
Personal Anecdote: Wine Bar Experience
00:23:46
Speaker
It is basically a segment where I get to bitch about something that ruined the vibe. Ruined my vibe anyway. um Because I love to bitch about things.
00:23:57
Speaker
Anyway, so the other day, ah Mark was out of town. He was in Miami. And like I said, Friday nights are usually our date nights. I look forward to it, especially right now I'm in a calorie deficit.
00:24:10
Speaker
So Friday nights are the night where we have a fun meal. I don't have to track it. don't have to worry about the calories. And it's my cheat meal, right? So he was gone. like, I still want to go out. So i went to a local restaurant that I walked to.
00:24:26
Speaker
so oh my god it was so good this pasta that i had was probably one of the best pasta i've ever had in my life but it was drowned in butter like it was swimming in butter so that's hard to fuck up right that of course that's gonna taste good anyway that was really good then i went a couple blocks over to a a chocolatier but at the night time It is, they also sell like chocolate truffles, like gourmet chocolate truffles, and they do a wine pairing, not wine pairing, an absinthe and chocolate truffle pairing. So it's an absinthe bar.
00:25:06
Speaker
And it's like this big. Okay, it's super small. Love it. I was sitting there and was like, I really want to hang out with a friend. I want to like get glass of wine with a girlfriend at this other new place that just opened in my neighborhood.
00:25:22
Speaker
it was a wine bar that just opened up and I really wanted to go. But I was like, i kind of want to hang out with a girl. So I texted my girlfriend who lives very close. She just had a baby too. And I was like, do you need to get out? Let's get a glass of wine. She's like, yes, I'll be there.
00:25:37
Speaker
So she met me at the absinthe bar and had a drink. Then we walked over to the wine bar and um it was in this house. So this neighborhood that I live in is really cute, old timey, gorgeous houses, like brick cobblestone sidewalks, so cute. And i'm a lot of um businesses and restaurants are inside these like old homes, including this wine bar. I was so excited. I'm such a wino.
00:26:07
Speaker
Excuse me, i need my water. I'm such a wino. So was really excited for this. We walk and it was to wall.
00:26:18
Speaker
I know it was a Friday night at like eight o'clock, probably. yeah like eight o'clock. Excuse me. And it was packed. It was so loud.
00:26:29
Speaker
And it was a little bit bigger on the inside than I had thought, but still small. And I'm like, this is so stupid. What do you think of when you hear the phrase wine bar?
00:26:43
Speaker
You think this cozy little like... comfortable, quiet library-y, like, a wine bar, not a bar.
00:26:54
Speaker
Anyway, I was so annoyed, and I looked at her, I was like, you just want go back to, like, the other place? Because I want to sit and, like, talk to you. If it was just Mark and i there was one suit at the bar that was open. If it was just Mark and I i would have um sat down, and we would have just had ah some glasses of wine and, like, stared at each other and tried to talk, like, loudly, like,
00:27:16
Speaker
Um, but no, I'm with a girlfriend. I was like, so we just went back to this other place and, um, had some more wine. So yeah, that I did not like. So I'm going to go back still because i do love a good wine and maybe not.
00:27:31
Speaker
um during peak hours. So lesson learned, right? All right. Well, thanks for listening. That is the
Supporting the Podcast's Future
00:27:40
Speaker
episode. If you want, actually, you should be supporting me because I'm trying to quit my full-time job.
00:27:49
Speaker
Please write and review and recommend. i actually had a really awful day at work the other day at my nine to five. And it was one of those days where it was like, fuck it all. I'm done. It's, I just can't anymore. I got to do something different.
00:28:05
Speaker
And so I started to think about the podcast. i'm like, I got to make this work. This is a I'm just gonna hustle and blah, blah, blah. we're getting some more episodes out more often um in the hopes to achieve my dreams of quitting my nine to five. so thank you in advance.
00:28:24
Speaker
um You could also find me on TikTok too, if you want to see the fun little clips there. But anyway, thanks again for listening. Until next time, peace out.