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00:00:01
Too Old to Find Love?
11 Plays1 month ago
In this weeks mailbag, Katelynn reads off questions that include someone who is wondering when its the right time to do the deed, another woman wondering if she missed her chance at finding true love and so much more!
Email the show: thenotsorrypodcast@gmail.com
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Youtube: @notsorrypodcast
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Transcript
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome back, not sorry babes. Thanks for joining us today.
Introduction and Theme
00:00:06
Speaker
Today we are driving, we're diving into, oh my God, I've only had like three sips of wine so far. It's Wine Down Friday. um i know it's technically Wine Down Wednesday, but it's been a really, really tough week. So who effing cares?
00:00:26
Speaker
But as I was saying, We are diving into your questions and getting your besties advice. Some of these questions we have today are actually kind of fun. like ah We have two that are like, I need help with something. And a couple that are just like, yo, what do you think about this dog?
00:00:42
Speaker
So cheers. Happy Friday.
00:00:48
Speaker
all right. If you haven't already, please rate and subscribe, follow, you know, the whole drill. I'd appreciate it. Okay, let's go. Let's just fucking go. Okay. First one. Oops.
00:01:00
Speaker
Let's put that on mute. to Okay. First one.
When is Sex Expected in a New Relationship?
00:01:07
Speaker
When is sex expected in a new relationship and how long should I wait?
00:01:12
Speaker
Great question. I am in my early 20s and the guy I've been seeing is also in his early 20s and we have hung out about three times. We call on the phone almost every night and have been, quote, talking for a month.
00:01:27
Speaker
We are not dating yet and I have, and I have suspicions he's still talking to other girls, although he has posted me on social media, okay? We are traveling, not very far, on a road trip Friday, so we are sharing a hotel hotel room. Is sex expected?
00:01:43
Speaker
We have never done anything yet besides kissing, and I have very little experience because of my morals and values. I thought that's where this was going. Would he think of me differently if I did have sex with him? Is this early in the relationship or not?
00:01:56
Speaker
I want to, but don't want to destroy my reputation or how he thinks of me. Do I wait until he makes me his girlfriend? Yes, to answer it quickly.
00:02:07
Speaker
Yeah, I would wait until that point because you could get into like a little bit of like a toxic thing where they're getting girlfriend benefits without the title. They don't need that. They don't deserve that.
00:02:19
Speaker
And definitely stick to your morals and values. um I or waited until marriage, as we all know. And um I recommend it for like the the the theory of it. Like, you know, your body is your temple. You don't want to like disrespect yourself by just, and I had a period of where I just didn't respect myself very much. And I was like giving it away. Like, nope, we're not going to put an analogy to that. Yeah.
00:02:50
Speaker
But you know what i mean? Like, I still, like, believe in those those values of, like, treating yourself with respect and not everything or everyone should have the privilege of doing something so intimate with you.
00:03:02
Speaker
So, um i think also the conversation in your early twenty s so this kind this kind of these kinds of conversations like feel so much scarier than they actually are and when you ask that like kind of scary question like um this is kind of what i believe in this is like where i'm at with things i want to but also you know however you want to word it Their response will tell you everything you you need to know about him, if he respects you or not.
00:03:34
Speaker
And being a dude, let's just assume, yes, he will be expecting that. He will. Just just assume that. So, knowing that ahead of time, you know, expecting that, you're expecting that, what would you say if there were no scary consequences or like if it went really well, like in your ideal world, how would this conversation go? And practice that with yourself.
00:04:02
Speaker
And don't, you can't expect, you can't control what the what he's going to say or do or how he's going to think of you. Know that. That's a lesson I wish I knew early on is that you can't control other people's perception of you. Like, let's say you went through with it and now all of a sudden he thinks like you're a total slut.
00:04:22
Speaker
No, you not you're not. You know your values, you know yourself, you value yourself and respect yourself, and you're not, okay? And you are protecting yourself in certain ways, and up until this point, I don't know what your history is, but you know what I mean. like It doesn't matter what he thinks of you after. If he thinks of you after all that, you made a mistake and that's okay.
00:04:43
Speaker
And you don't want to be with someone who thinks of
Fear of Missing Relationship Opportunities as You Age
00:04:48
Speaker
you lesser than just because he did you did something with him that you wanted to do. So that's not the kind of person you want to be with. So if you make a mistake, you make a mistake.
00:04:58
Speaker
We've all been there. We've all done that. Okay, I need another step
00:05:06
Speaker
Hope you guys are having a good Friday, by the way. It's um like super rainy here. i have a girlfriend coming over coming over later and I'm actually doing her nails. Like I've never done someone else's nails.
00:05:17
Speaker
If you're watching on YouTube, like these are like what I did the other day for a wedding. It's like a gold cat eye. I'm pretty good at doing my nails and people are starting to ask and I'm like, bro, keep your expectations low, but I'll do it because any excuse to hang out with a girlfriend and we're ordering tacos too. Like, oh, I'm so excited.
00:05:38
Speaker
But yeah, you you, girl, and what you are comfortable with. If you don't know that yet, sometimes it takes time to learn about yourself when you're kind of going into uncharted territory and you're like, I've never gotten to this point with a guy, what do I do?
00:05:57
Speaker
Figure it out, expect to maybe make a mistake. And if you make a mistake, well, now you know. Now you've learned something about yourself that you wanna wait longer or something else, right?
00:06:09
Speaker
Be okay with making mistakes, please.
00:06:14
Speaker
This next one, um i feel very hard. And I'm going to repeat a story I've said before, but if anybody's new here, it'll be a great, it's a great story. It's really cute. Okay. The title of this one, I'm a 32 year old single woman, 33 at the end of the summer. Okay. Whatever.
00:06:29
Speaker
I'm worried that I missed the boat, that men won't find me attractive, that I will never fall in love or find a lasting partner. Girl, you're in your early thirties. Um, Walter, my God, he's just dripping here again. If you're on YouTube, these like floofs just fly off of him.
00:06:47
Speaker
We'll throw that away later. um But there's more to this question. So my ex and I broke up seven, ah seven months ago. I hoped it was the right choice or I hope it was the right choice.
00:06:58
Speaker
He easily and happily moved on and is in very happy new relationship while I'm still struggling to get over him. been there. I also worry about attracting a new partner at this age. i get constant messaging that i'm I get constant messaging that I'm aging and that men want younger women.
00:07:17
Speaker
This is especially salient because my ex was 38 and wouldn't date women over 34 because he really wanted kids. I mean, That, no, no, okay.
00:07:31
Speaker
but There's a little bit more. So I feel undesirable and old. I worry that I miss the boat and that there are a few, quote, good partners left. And those that are out there are going after younger women.
00:07:42
Speaker
I worry that I should have tried harder to make my last relationship work. Even though that effort felt one-sided at the time, that answered your question, I'm sad and lonely and feel like I have totally messed up my life. Oh my gosh, honey, honey.
00:07:59
Speaker
First of all, i have a friend who had a child in her late 30s. You're fine. Go to the doctor. If you're if that's something that you're worried about, go to the fertility doctor and like see where you're at with things. Get a clear picture on where you're at with things. If you meet a guy who's around your age...
00:08:18
Speaker
Because like I want children to be like, yo, I'm good down there. I'm good. I'm shooting soing shooting straight down there. like So you don't have to worry. like You can take that off the table of like your worries.
00:08:31
Speaker
But um your ex was a little bit misinformed. And I don't want to say misogynistic. I don't know. a guy i He deserves a little bit of a fair shot.
00:08:44
Speaker
Say hi Walter. He's right behind me. um because That's just, it's stupid. It's stupid of him to have said that. I am 34. I do not have children yet. And I'm pretty sure i will. like Like I can, I mean.
00:09:00
Speaker
And if my body was like, yo, you missed the mark, that's my fault. And I would make peace with that, as devastating as that would be. Although, you know what? I should go to the fertility doctor and figure it out.
00:09:11
Speaker
I don't have insurance. It's so expensive. But you see what I mean? Like, you're fine. There, you, oh so boy, I could go on about this. If you're meeting the kind of men that are like only younger women, i red flag, gross.
00:09:29
Speaker
That, I mean, it, who okay, Caitlin, calm down. If you're going out on dates with men who are like, I need a woman in her early 30s or twenty s because of fertility issues.
00:09:45
Speaker
Girl, move on. Like there's so many good men in the world and don't make regrets. Like you made the decision that you did to break up with your last guy. That's fine.
00:09:56
Speaker
the The next girl's gonna figure out that she probably made a mistake too. Like, and even if she didn't, right? There's somebody out there for everyone and you guys weren't it. That's okay.
00:10:07
Speaker
Move on. Grieve, move your grief. Go through it. That's okay. You know i'm not telling you to like get the fuck over it. Although that is kind of what I'm saying. Do what it takes to get over it and heal, heal from it.
00:10:21
Speaker
And just know that you didn't make a mistake. Okay. And you have not missed the boat.
Finding Love Later in Life
00:10:27
Speaker
The story that I am going on with is my mother. Although she was done having children at this point, she got divorced in her fifties and hadn't worked She was a stay-at-home mom my entire life and didn't go back to work until I was well into high school. And that was just on a part-time basis.
00:10:45
Speaker
but She worked retail and then did, um what do you call it, the substitute teaching. And when my parents got divorced, mom didn't, she couldn't support herself. Are you joking? And he, oh, Lord, I can't. I can't talk trash from my dad right now.
00:11:03
Speaker
Yeah, no, she cannot support herself. And so she prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. She's a very spiritual woman and kind of got hung up on one guy that she met at her church. And he was just kind of this this introvert, same types that I would go for.
00:11:21
Speaker
oh And he just kind of was skedaddling her around and ended up like she realized like, oh, he's not into me. And she called me one day crying and crying and crying. I'm like, my mom in her 50s has never been through a heartbreak.
00:11:38
Speaker
I mean, my dad put her through the wringer, but where I'm going with this is that my dad was the only guy she had ever dated and been with. So when she gets this cute heartbreak, it was just, oh, my heart just...
00:11:53
Speaker
syncs and just, I love my mom so much. Anyway, she met a guy on the dating app. Well, no, what was it, Match.com? It was one of the first online dating ones. She tried Christian Mingle.
00:12:10
Speaker
She found a, there's so many pervs on there. The poor thing, she's so innocent. I think it was Match.com that she met Dave, her now husband.
00:12:22
Speaker
And he was well-to-do to provide for my mom in her golden years. And it's everything that she had prayed for and everything that she deserved. And she thought she was ah it was just gone. like She would go through periods of, like, I'm in my 50s. Who's out there that that is a good Christian man can provide and do all these things? And like will find me attractive and like have a good life with at the end of my life? And you know what I mean? The exact same things that you're going through. But she's in her 50s. You're in your thirty s You are fine. Have a little perspective and do a glow up, girl. Like do whatever it takes to, you know, get your nails done, do your hair. Like just it sounds vain, but do things that make you feel good about yourself.
00:13:07
Speaker
Work out consistently and, you know, go through the grieving process. You have not missed the boat whatsoever. I gotta slap you upside the head because it's so untrue. Stop believing that. I know that's how you feel. Uh-oh, my leg's falling asleep.
00:13:23
Speaker
Jasmine, Jasmine's like on my lap. I'm sorry, baby. o ah Okay, there we go. I know that's how you feel. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings because we've all been there. After a heartbreak and a breakup,
00:13:36
Speaker
Those feelings are intense and it feels so real that this is our reality for the rest of our life. But i we're all we're all here to tell you that it's just simply not true.
00:13:48
Speaker
Okay, lean on your girlfriends, make new friends, just put yourself out there, not for other men, but to create more meaningful relationships with women.
00:14:00
Speaker
um so that you have a more of a supportive a community. i don't know if you have that or not, but that's a great place to start before you start looking for some other man that's going to say, I need 24-year-old, and he's like in his late 30s, like, ew.
00:14:15
Speaker
And this is coming from the girl who dated a 50-year-old. I don't think I've said that before. I did, and not for the reasons you think. Again, relationships are very different once you're inside of them.
00:14:26
Speaker
um Nope, he was not rich at all.
00:14:34
Speaker
Anyway, so no, I think I have said that. Okay, we're gonna move on. Ooh, perfect. We're going to on to some really fun, just like random questions. And I want to hear your responses on social media. Or if you're listening on YouTube, send a comment. I really want to know your guys' opinions on these.
00:14:54
Speaker
So here we go. First one. If you had a one minute phone call with yourself from 10 years ago today, what would you say? 10 years ago today, i was 24 and it's May.
00:15:07
Speaker
I was one month away from my divorce. 10 years. Fuck. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. I got divorced June 2014.
00:15:19
Speaker
And it was such a scary time because I had never been out on my own. I like you know i got i moved out of my parents' house because I got married. like I had never been on my own.
00:15:32
Speaker
No. And nonetheless supported myself. So iy I had been working at that time um while I was going through the divorce. um He wasn't, he supported me just a little bit after we started that process, but it ended real fast. Like, no don't blame him.
00:15:49
Speaker
But yeah. I was kind of but i I did have free housing at the time because we I was living in the house that we bought together. So that was like a real scary moment where i was like, I have to start like paying for my own apartment or something with a roommate. And it was just so scary. So what I would tell myself is what a friend told me at the time, which was everything's going to work out.
00:16:13
Speaker
Everything will work out. It's going to be hard. It's going to be scary, but continue to work hard. Take care of yourself. And I promise you in eight, seven years, you're going to be the man of your dreams.
00:16:25
Speaker
You will. Stay the course, learn, grow, and find happiness in every corner of this world that you can because you're about to hit the fucking lottery.
00:16:37
Speaker
That's what I would say to myself 10 years ago today. and want to give her a
Honesty and Communication Style
00:16:42
Speaker
hug. What would you say to yourself? Let me know, seriously. It's always like fun to like look back on your life in like those kinds of periods of time, just to have some perspective, you know? All right, time for a sip. If you're drinking wine with me, hey-o.
00:17:00
Speaker
Let go. Okay, next. Why, what do you think ages people quickly? Duh, stress. So that's why,
00:17:13
Speaker
like what I would tell my younger self is to find happiness in every corner of this world as possible. Because when you see those older people that are in those like street interviews,
00:17:24
Speaker
And people are like, oh, you're you're out here, you're 100 years old, and you're doing yoga. Like, what's your secret? And everyone gives a different answer. But the majority of the answers that I remember from those those things are like, just laugh, have a good time, find people that make you laugh, find people that make you happy, and find good things in this world. Because the more negative you see, the more...
00:17:50
Speaker
stressed you're going to be, a I think, you know? And it's important to find a partner that finds joy also pretty easily around you. And that's what I love about Mark so much. God bless that man.
00:18:02
Speaker
Okay. What is an oddly specific rule you follow in your life that nobody taught you, but you swear by it? i have a good one. I mean, obviously this did come from my upbringing. Like it was influenced by the way that I was raised.
00:18:16
Speaker
um what i was going through something with work what was it and it well i was talking to a co-worker about something like about i think one of our bosses and um she was like caitlin caitlin you're on speakerphone and i'm in the office i'm like i don't care like And Mark had heard that comment. i was like, I don't care if what's coming out of my mouth is heard by the person we're talking about.
00:18:45
Speaker
And he just is so, so cognizant of everyone and everything and how they're feeling. Like he's so much more emotion-based than I am and how other people will feel. And I don't think that way.
00:18:59
Speaker
naturally at least. And we were talking about it at dinner. He's like, bro, you were stressing me out so much that you didn't care that your boss heard what you were saying. i was like, okay, I know this, I thought maybe this would go without saying, but the way that I choose to live my life and the rule that I choose to live by is that everything that comes out of my mouth is to keep myself accountable.
00:19:22
Speaker
that everything that comes out my mouth, I have better be okay with saying it to that person's face. So if I'm talking about somebody, you know quote, behind their back, that that's my accountable way that like if I'm gonna talk about somebody behind their back, I better be okay with saying it to their face. Maybe in a more strategic way, but I'd still got my point across, you kidding?
00:19:44
Speaker
like That's kind of the unwritten rule that I live by is like, You know, choose your words wisely and think before you speak. And you 100% can have your opinions and speak your opinions and voice your opinions, all that stuff, and still be able to do it in a graceful and tactful way without, you know, being a complete asshole.
00:20:07
Speaker
That's what I've learned in my life, and that's what I choose to live by. um And I highly encourage that for um everyone. All right, two more questions. If you won the lottery, oh my god, do I think about this.
00:20:20
Speaker
If you won the lottery and never had to work anymore, what would you say when someone asks you what you do for a living? I 100% would keep it a secret that I won the lottery, but there'd be signs. But I would tell them this. would tell them I'm a podcaster and I'm like ultra successful. You can't tell that I only have 16 subscribers on YouTube.
00:20:38
Speaker
No, you can't. Although that's not a foolproof one. But I would definitely use podcasting as my... um as my lie, but also it's a truth. So I'm not really lying, but I would pretend that I still had my full-time job for a little bit longer and just kind of lie like, oh, the podcast.
00:20:57
Speaker
That sounds so bad because I'm trying to manifest this podcast to be really successful. But like if I won the lottery tomorrow, for example, I would just be like, oh, the podcast is just blowing up. It's just going crazy and just gaining a lot of traction. Like I'm really excited. Maybe I can get a sponsor on or something like,
00:21:15
Speaker
I can sadly be a really good liar, but I use my powers for good, not evil. Okay. um Next, last question.
Pets and Personal Attachment
00:21:26
Speaker
um What is something you bought as an adult because you weren't allowed to have it as a child? Oh my God, that's easy. My cats. We technically had a cat growing up, but he was only outdoor and it was like a very short period of time because he...
00:21:40
Speaker
He either got killed or um someone adopted him because he was on the street, but his name is Autumn, and cute little ginger kitty. um So the second I had the opportunity to get an animal,
00:21:52
Speaker
I got one, and it's Jasmine. She's sitting on my lap right now. I got her on Craigslist. She was my Craigslist kitty, and she was a year old. And snuck her into the apartment that oh didn't allow pets at all.
00:22:04
Speaker
Did that for a minute. And when I got caught, and they're like, you've got to throw her out. I worked at a storage unit facility like as like the property manager. Kept her there for a few months.
00:22:17
Speaker
It's so bad. I went through hell and high water to keep this cat. And so she had to live in a storage facility, ah like the office part for the better part of like two or three months before I moved again.
00:22:32
Speaker
um She's been in the, slept in the car with me. Like she's my ride or die. She really is my ride or die. Cheers, Jasmine.
00:22:44
Speaker
All right, that is the wait, no. We got our Buzzkill segment. I have a good one. i thought of it today. I'm so pissed. um Buzzkill segment is the segment where I get to bitch about something, and that's it.
00:23:01
Speaker
Something that just kills the vibe and needs to be addressed in a petty way.
Choosing to be Child-Free and Societal Reactions
00:23:07
Speaker
okay So earlier today, I was scrolling TikTok like, what else?
00:23:12
Speaker
And I came across this news clip of this couple that was being interviewed that were that they chose to be child free. And but the news bit was about how there are declining birth rates in the US and like, why is that? And the majority answer is usually just because people don't want to have kids, like regardless of the economy or... um their financial situation or whatever. It's really just because I don't want kids.
00:23:41
Speaker
And so they're interviewing this couple who just didn't have much of a reason other than they just didn't want to have kids. The lady had been a nanny growing up for four kids and realized I have to do this every day and was like, don't, don't want that.
00:23:57
Speaker
And fair enough. Like you figured it out, I guess. And you made a decision, an informed decision for yourself. Good for you. But And they were interviewing this couple who were just like, the comments we get every time we tell someone that we're child-free, we get all these comments and it's exhausting. Like, why Why would you deprive your, you don't want a little mini me running around and ah blah blah, blah, blah, blah. All these things that people would naturally ask. Like, well, why are you making that decision? And scrolled past it real quick. So I was about to get upset.
00:24:32
Speaker
And it's like, Are you joking? Like, what do you expect people to say or to think? Because we've had hundreds of thousands of hundreds of thousands of hundreds of thousands of years of biology ingrained into our DNA to reproduce.
00:24:49
Speaker
So we're finally in a time in history, for the first time in history, where we don't have to reproduce just to survive, or to keep the family name going, or to keep us rich or whatever you're here complaining about other people asking you questions get over it like get get over it what do you expect like it's okay to be annoyed by it that's not what i'm saying Let people, you can't control what other people are going to do or say when you that you're child free. Answer their dumb ass questions.
00:25:21
Speaker
They might be rude. They might be overstepping. You just be like, bro, I just don't want kids. And that's that. And I'm grateful that I can make that decision. And like, there's no negative repercussions of it. Right.
00:25:35
Speaker
i actually made a quick TikTok video of this exact subject. Yeah. Some people are just like, how could you say that? You're part of the problem. Like, what?
00:25:46
Speaker
No. I don't care what people choose to do. Like, I rolled the fence for a long time. like, do I really want kids? And I finally came to the conclusion where I do want kids one day. Like, that is something I want. But I had the blessing, because of the time that we're in, to be able to have that choice.
00:26:07
Speaker
And this is... I don't this is not a political statement y'all calm down we're not here to talk about politics ever all right this is a safe space paul politics free okay so yeah We have the deciding factor these days to not have kids or have kids.
00:26:26
Speaker
And when people are like, why did you do that? will move And you're you're upset and people are making you upset. Get a hold of yourself and your emotions and get over it. Like, just move on Don't let them control you and how you feel and all that stuff. Like, just dumb. So stupid. Get over it.
00:26:45
Speaker
Whoa. That was intense. I apologize. You know what? This is what this whole podcast is about. I'm not sorry for that. This is me. This is my world and you're living in it.
00:26:56
Speaker
um All right. That is the
Conclusion and Farewell
00:26:59
Speaker
episode. If you want to write into the show, you can um do the email below, which is thenotsorrypodcast at gmail.com. Find me on the socials. I am on Instagram, but only because I feel like I have to. It's not too exciting over there, but it's a little bit better on TikTok. And then also YouTube, if you want to see my gorgeous face, as well as these cats, they make an appearance.
00:27:20
Speaker
But happy Friday. Cheers to my besties. Love you guys.