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Are you Single, but Not Single?
14 Plays2 months ago
Feeling single in your relationship? We all have at one point, and it doesn't have to be that way! In this weeks episode we hear from some listeners who were feeling single in their relationships and what they did about it. As well as some ideas as to why you got to this place in your relationship.
Listen to the end for this weeks question, we want to hear from you!
Email the show: thenotsorrypodcast@gmail.com
Youtube: @thenotsorrypodcast
Tiktok: @notsorrypod
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Transcript
Introduction and Setting the Scene
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back to the Not Sorry Podcast. I'm your favorite tough love bestie. Today we are wind up, babes. Cheers. it's I'm not that wind up. I've only had like one sip.
00:00:13
Speaker
It's Friday. Who fucking cares?
Feeling Single in a Relationship
00:00:15
Speaker
um But today we are talking about have you or have you been in a relationship where you have felt single? What?
00:00:26
Speaker
I think we've all been there. That's what we're talking about today. We're going to dive into it. But first, set
00:00:35
Speaker
Maybe I should have had more than one sip before we started. um But i went to the interwebs, asked some of you, um not sorry, gals, what did you do when you felt single in your relationship?
00:00:47
Speaker
And have a couple great responses. Let me pull it up. Some of them are kind of funny, actually.
Advice and Communication Strategies
00:00:52
Speaker
um First off, Amanda, left with dignity. Amen.
00:00:58
Speaker
You know what? I did too. I think, no, I could have done better. um Sarah says if you feel single in a relationship, talk about it with your partner because no relationship works with a one person crew during doing the work. a fucking men.
00:01:19
Speaker
I always imagined my relationship, it was literally like a one way street. Like that's how it felt. And we're on two completely different roads, going our own way and just getting mad at each other for it.
00:01:34
Speaker
um But yeah, that definitely warrants a tough conversation. All right, Mindy, she goes, you talk about it, then you fuck about it. Then she says you'd be surprised how much it fixes things.
00:01:46
Speaker
I have never been that kind of person. Have you?
Can Anger Fuel Intimacy?
00:01:52
Speaker
I think I remember one time where you you did it after an argument and it was nice, but like I'm too fumed up to like get sexy.
00:02:03
Speaker
I need to hear from you. If you're that kind of person that that gets your get to your blood flowing, if that's ah what, you know, how vulgar can I get?
00:02:14
Speaker
Some of this gets posted on TikTok, so probably not too vulgar, but... Um, insert explicit stuff right here. I personally have never been that kind of person that can just get down and dirty, even though anger fuels my life or used to fuel my life. I just know, don't know.
00:02:34
Speaker
just have never been like, like when I'm angry about something, it's like, don't you know, I need, no, I'm stepping away. Last thing I want to do is touch you. It's, it's really complicated, but, um, hold on, sip.
00:02:46
Speaker
a
00:02:49
Speaker
I gotta slow down and get a drive later. Well, not for a few hours, so I'll be good. All right, next. Let's see.
Relationship Clarity and Situationships
00:02:58
Speaker
Kate, she says, if I felt single, it's most likely a it was most likely a situationship and not an exclusive committed relationship.
00:03:07
Speaker
um With that being said, with that being the case, I feel free to see other people. Yeah, I think I'm going more toward like if when you're in a serious relationship, like when you're married,
00:03:19
Speaker
or in a long-term relationship that you have felt single. Like, what was that like? And how did it make you feel? Like, what did you do? That kind of stuff. But I agree. Like, if you're still noobs with somebody and you are feeling single, it's because you just haven't had that conversation. I've been there too, but it's not as detrimental as when you're like married with three kids and you're like, I'm better off single, you know? That's so sad.
00:03:50
Speaker
All right, last one Luna, how cute, what a cute name. What did I do? Question mark,
Regrets and Reflections on Toxic Relationships
00:03:57
Speaker
got pregnant. What should I have done? Question mark, anything else, literally anything the fuck else. Specifically, leave.
00:04:07
Speaker
Um, yeah, i had a friend who did that. She was in an awful, awful, awful, toxic, toxic relationship. And she got pregnant. And I was like, I can see where this is going. And I was no relationship expert at the time. I was like 20, 21, maybe.
00:04:22
Speaker
twenty one maybe and She got pregnant. I'm like, I even know that's not a good idea. But she was so swept up in that moment when she was giving birth and her husband was all of a sudden like this angel and he was being so cute and so sweet. And I think he was bipolar. I would not be just a like, I would be disappointed.
00:04:42
Speaker
I would not be um sort of surprised. Wouldn't have been surprised if that was the case. Luckily, she's on the greener side of life and doing very well, but, um, and her daughter's super cute.
00:04:56
Speaker
Um, but yeah, so that's a couple of what y'all have said. And, so um, I put a lot of thought into this and in my specific situation, when I felt single in a relationship,
00:05:07
Speaker
Well, first of all, you all know I got married way too young, 19 to be exact. And we gave zero time to really get to know each other. Because every relationship is so nuanced, right?
00:05:19
Speaker
We gave no time to get to know each other. So um we got married way too quick, did not know who each other was. And like, I'm a very strong personality.
00:05:30
Speaker
and you know, when you're 19, still learning about yourself. You're still learning how to manage who you are and how you... um be successful in your environment, you know, how to manage who you are, like keeping your autonomy, remaining who you are as a person, but being able to um operate in the world in a successful way while remaining who you are at your core right does that make sense for a long time i was super salty about that i thought like so this is a side note by the way it was so salty that i had to i felt like i had to manage myself at such an extreme level just to make other people comfortable and that made me so angry i really was it's like why do i have to be the one
00:06:15
Speaker
to accommodate everyone's thoughts and feelings when I can't read their minds or don't know how they're feeling or whatever. Like, why is that my job? Like, I was mad about it. But luckily, I discovered a lot of techniques and tools and learning so much more about myself and being like, oh, you can still be yourself and still have successful interactions with people.
00:06:40
Speaker
more often than not.
Overcompensation and Exhaustion in Love
00:06:42
Speaker
But anyway, so yes, at 19, 20, 21, did not, I came off very strong and he was an introvert, which created that opposite effect. It's Esther Perel says it's so great. I don't know the exact line, but she says it a lot where it's like, um, what attracted you, what usually attracts you to each other is what will ultimately divide you.
00:07:04
Speaker
Oh, oh, I didn't say it first, but it's so true. And my entire like dating history was always those complicated introverts because they're so interesting to me and I can have really good, deep one-on-one conversations. Like i I have great, great friendships with introverts because I love that one-on-one. I'm great in big groups too.
00:07:26
Speaker
but with a husband who was very emotionally immature, didn't know how to manage his own emotions and would just like lock himself in his office, like not even like look at me or say hi to me. And it's like, uh, you know what we did on our anniversary? We went golfing. He was a really good golfer.
00:07:44
Speaker
Um, I just wanted to do something that made him happy. So like i I bent over backwards, which I think a lot of women do. And I think um that was one of the first points I wanted to bring up that if you're feeling single in your relationship, you may have been overcompensating, which is a very like natural response.
00:08:04
Speaker
Like us women, just like men in our own way, we're we're fixers. right? We want to like fix it. We want to help it in whatever way we can and do whatever we can be as flexible as possible, be as accommodating as possible and just change as much as possible. Like, oh, it's exhausting. So it's like, you may be doing picking up too many chores because he's complained one too many times about being tired after work or something like that. And you're like, okay, well, if me doing all this extra stuff,
00:08:38
Speaker
but you know, will make you in a better mood when you get home, then I'll do that. If that's it, then yes, I've done that. Oh my God. And guess what? It doesn't work. It's never worked because there's always going to be something else because they don't know what's actually going on inside of them.
00:08:55
Speaker
um So you just like end up doing everything alone because they they can't face whatever they're going through. They can't admit or they don't even know because they don't have the tools in their toolbox.
00:09:07
Speaker
That's tough. That's really tough to deal with. Hold on. Sip.
00:09:13
Speaker
Um, yeah, i I just remember in my, not just my marriage, but I gotta switch up my ah situation here. Not just my marriage, but, like, past relationships, too, was, like, the bar was always moving. Like, the goalposts were always moving. And it's, like, do you see how hard I'm working over here?
00:09:35
Speaker
There was one time i um it wasn't my ex-husband, it was an ex-boyfriend, I was um cleaning the kitchen, and did I was like, man, gonna do it all right, took some extra time, did some extra little bits or whatever, and I get that, and he walks into whatever room I was at, and he's like, oh, yeah, um you forgot to put that thing away. like, fuck you.
00:10:06
Speaker
I didn't say that, but I said it in so many words where it was like, at that time I was really coming into my own and standing up for myself being like, I'm sorry, I forgot to put, I think it was the coffee, like the little can of coffee away.
00:10:19
Speaker
And I was like, you know what? I'm sorry. I forgot to put that away. But did you see, happen to see anything else that I did? that i did Are you appreciative of that? are you just going to point out all the negative stuff that I didn't do? Because it's going to make me not want to do it ever again.
00:10:31
Speaker
Did you think about that? Did you think about being just appreciative of anything? Oh boy, did I pop off. I popped off. oh He was the guy to do it too. ah too but he really helped me learn that balance of like confrontation, but in a better I can explain.
00:10:54
Speaker
That's a longer, longer longer story. um Yeah. next We kind of talked about this.
Conversations for Repairing Relationships
00:11:01
Speaker
Kind of the next point I wanted to say was like, if you're feeling single in your relationship, it might be time to have the talk.
00:11:08
Speaker
Again, I'm going to say it again. Dr. John Deloney has helped me. His podcast has helped me learn so much about how to have like successful conversations and hard conversations in such...
00:11:23
Speaker
just really great ways. So when i think about having, like if I were to think back to my marriage and needing to have this kind of conversation, like, hey,
00:11:36
Speaker
I have been feeling really alone lately and I don't feel connected to you or just like whatever. How would he say it? He says it.
00:11:47
Speaker
His recommendation is usually to say it like along the teammate mentality and the this is how this is my experience and this is what I'm going through. What can we do together?
00:11:58
Speaker
You know, if there's anything going on with you and not being so like, you know, point the finger. And I remember trying to do that when I was younger. It's really hard. It's really hard to not be like, you don't do this.
00:12:11
Speaker
You don't do that. and You make me feel this way. Like those are all the wrong ways to like start a conversation. It's like, hey, this is my experience right now and i don't like that this is not the marriage i want this is not the relationship that i've imagined for myself and i don't think that that is what you want either and just ask those kind of like open-ended questions that doesn't feel so accusatory, you know, and kind of invite them in. That's, that's what he says a lot is like, invite them into this, hey, I need help here.
00:12:50
Speaker
I need help. And, um, I think that's like a great way to not come across as like, you're a piece of shit. Uh, what are we gonna do about that?
00:13:02
Speaker
Because it really is, it really does take two to tango. And even though you might be feeling a certain way, we don't want that. But what can you do as a person yourself, not as a wife or a girlfriend, but as just a human to just be better and take accountability for the areas in which you lack, right?
00:13:23
Speaker
And I thought that too, and even though I was 19, I It might be an excuse, but it's also not. and i I just came off way too strong and it really had him like retreat. So I, yeah, for sure could have like confronted him in a more in gentle way, but ah fuck no. No, fuck that.
00:13:49
Speaker
Gosh, even thinking back now, The things that I would say with what, with the tools I have in my toolbox right now, like I, I would still, because I have no skin in the game anymore. Like, because there's nothing to risk, I would literally pop off and just Just be like, you are um really emotionally immature and you need to do X, Y, Z. Like the reason why I didn't go that route also, and a lot of women don't, a lot of people don't, is because you're scared of what they'll say or they'll do because you don't want to end the relationship.
00:14:25
Speaker
But honestly, it's kind of an ultimatum where it's just like, I will not continue to live this way. i won't, I don't want to. What can we do together to change that? And you have to be okay with what might happen.
00:14:40
Speaker
I didn't want our lives to blow up, even though I didn't have kids and we're only four years married. I didn't want my life to blow up. I had a lot of pride. had to prove to everyone that getting married, getting engaged after one month of engagement was a good idea.
00:14:57
Speaker
yeah right. So, That's what I would encourage a lot of people is that have ah those harder conversations and you know you're really scared for it. That's okay.
00:15:08
Speaker
But it will get you a desired result. It will get you where you want to go, even if it doesn't look like it right now. And it's going to be really scary or tough waters, uncharted territory, all that stuff. Like, I
Compassion, Understanding, and Growth
00:15:22
Speaker
get it. It's so...
00:15:32
Speaker
One day i will have a home where that won't ever happen again. We are still looking at buying a house. If you're, if you see my own TikTok, I have a little um playlist of our house hunting journey. So I don't know if we're going to do that this year.
00:15:47
Speaker
I want to, but I also love apartment life. You know, i love the amenities. i love having a pool. going to miss that so much, but I won't miss this fucking noise.
00:15:59
Speaker
ah Okay. Next, next topic or point that I wanted to bring up is if you're feeling single in your relationship, you might be checked out. And this kind of all ties in together with everything else, you know, um with my exact experience, because he was so unsure on how to deal with me as like this strong extroverted personality, very passionate.
00:16:25
Speaker
That's the word we're going for. Just really passionate. He didn't know what to do. So it kind of causes people to like shut down. And I get that. I have no advice for it.
00:16:37
Speaker
I don't know. There have been other circumstances where it's like they're going through their own personal crisis and it has more or less not really and then anything to do with you, but it's affecting you. And that i think that's an easier conversation to bring up. Like if you feel like they're tough time at work, didn't get the promotion, midlife crisis or something, you know,
00:17:01
Speaker
That's a lot easier to be like, I know you're going through this thing or I just feel like you're going through a really tough time right now and this is how it's affecting me and I don't like that.
00:17:15
Speaker
um Or just invite them in express to you like kind of what they're going through because... a tough time in life. Like you shouldn't have to do that alone. And that's what you're there for. You're their partner and stuff like that. and they may not, again, a lot, i think we don't often understand. And Dr. John Deloney says this himself, that a lot of men don't, don't have the tools. They don't have the resources. They don't, they don't know. like Because for women, i think, it is so much more obvious. like There's certain things when it comes to relationships.
00:17:50
Speaker
It's so obvious to us. It's so obvious. And so we punish men when they check out or they don't know how to talk to us or don't know how to manage their emotions or whatever.
00:18:03
Speaker
And I've heard some of the calls that he has taken. with wives or even with husbands, where to me, I'm like, Oh, that's easy. You just got to do this, dude. That's easy. You just tell her X, Y, Z. And, and, but he goes about it in a much more graceful, graceful way where it's like, Oh, you just don't know how to face this emotion. You don't know how to sit in your fear or x y Z. I'm like, Oh, I got to be a little bit more compassionate that,
00:18:35
Speaker
they might just not know what to do. And so it stalls them or they're in that midlife crisis. And it's like, I don't like this. Their ego's bruised, all this stuff. So I think we can afford a lot more compassion when it comes to um men in the world.
00:18:53
Speaker
I'll say it. Like, I think men get a really bad rap a lot of the times and they don't need to. And so do women. Like, it's a battle of the sexes. It's, you know, hurt people hurt people.
00:19:05
Speaker
Right. It really is a toxic little cycle and it doesn't need to be that way. And, you know, we need to have a lot more compassion with the people in our lives and understanding that they they just may not know. They just don't know.
00:19:18
Speaker
don't have the tools. I'm going to stop saying the word tools, I promise.
Disengagement and Personal Growth Differences
00:19:23
Speaker
um My other favorite, Esther Perel, she wrote in her book, what was it called? um I've talked about it before.
00:19:32
Speaker
In one of her books, she talks about, you know, like, why do people cheat? Oh, the state of affairs, that's what it's called. And um it was basically... more scientific reasons, she's not taking a side as to like who's wrong and who's right, but it's more about like, why does this happen in our relationships?
00:19:50
Speaker
And she kind of boiled it down to disengagement.
00:19:57
Speaker
Who knows why that happens with either side on whoever decides to cheat or have the second family or something like that or have some online illicit affair or whatever.
00:20:08
Speaker
it's that disengagement. And it covers, that word just covers so many bases. And it's so true, especially in my case, when i was continuously battered and beat down for the dumbest shit and never felt...
00:20:28
Speaker
welcomed and loved and that pushed me away further and further and further into things i would never thought I would do i was so like I had such a high high moral standard for myself that was taught to me when I was young and I still have those standards today but You know, it's like, oh, you know, I would never do that or say this or whatever. And here you are doing and saying all of it.
00:20:56
Speaker
Ew, that's for another time. That's for another topic. But yeah, the disengagement really happened on both of our ends for sure because it's like, I'm checking out, man. Like, I don't know i what to do So the easiest thing is to check out because don't have that tool. It's my toolbox.
00:21:15
Speaker
Sorry, that was really annoying. um Another reason I think people feel single in their relationships is because one person is kind of outgrowing the other. I've seen this happen with some of my friends.
00:21:27
Speaker
And one partner is being, you know, essentially left behind or whatever. And they're on this like big spiritual growth journey or just a growth journey in general. And because evolution is normal. If you're becoming a better person, if you are...
00:21:44
Speaker
finding spirituality or whatever it is, and you're on your own journey, then you kind of look back behind you and think, oh, that's my partner. Ew, they aren't doing anything with themselves. They're not trying to better themselves or take initiative and bettering their lives or whatever. And whether that's like a turnoff or...
00:22:06
Speaker
whatever. i think that happens a lot for for some people. I know that happened with me a couple of times where it's like, I am on this fast track of spiritual and personal growth.
00:22:17
Speaker
And they're just like, great, you go you. And I'm like, no, come come with me because I need you to level up and be on the same page as me. I don't want to do this alone. you know And those were also red flags. And those were clues where it's like,
00:22:37
Speaker
this is only gonna work for a short amount of time. And you know, it's sad, but my mom taught me when I was younger, like, you know, there's people that will come and go from your lives depending on the chapter of your life that you're in.
00:22:50
Speaker
And that's okay. Some people will last the entire novel and we want that. But there are people who are only there to teach you some lessons, help you learn and grow as a person and whether they're shitty people or not.
00:23:04
Speaker
They're there to teach you something. And i think we all need to ah remember that, you know, remember that. But yeah, growth and evolution
Breaking Comfort Zones for Relationship Improvement
00:23:15
Speaker
is very normal. So I see we have all seen partners hold other people back, even with its if it's like a weight loss journey or a health journey.
00:23:24
Speaker
How the stories I've heard of these people's partners just truly sabotaging people. their their person and their journey because it's unfamiliar. And it's like, oh, this isn't what we do, though. We we sit and binge wine and popcorn and pizza every night. Like, I want to keep doing that because it's comfortable.
00:23:45
Speaker
You know, people get stuck in those comfort zones, dog. And it's just not, it's easy to get into, it's hard to get out of. And there's comfort zones that are fine to stay in. But A lot of them aren't. I'll tell you that right now. i'm I'm definitely getting out of comfort zones here lately with this podcast. So let's take a drink for that.
00:24:08
Speaker
um Yeah. So, you know, this is a tough bit. It really is. And I do have like a little weekly challenge. I gotta readjust.
00:24:22
Speaker
My natural personality is to be a challenger, if you know the Enneagram. I'm a type eight, if you haven't figured that out home already. But um i think that is why inner circle is kind of small because i make people uncomfortable.
00:24:40
Speaker
No, but I really do want you guys to just be better people. I'll continuously say that. That's what I'll advocate for is for everyone to be a better person.
00:24:51
Speaker
So if you're not a book reader, even though that's stupid... No, I take that back. Well, do i Audiobooks are an exception. okay But whatever helps you learn the best way, that ah we'll have grace for that because I get that.
00:25:11
Speaker
But this week's challenge is to binge a podcast, specifically and Dr. John Deloney Show or Esther Perel. has a great podcast called Where Do We Begin? And she sits down with these couples. It's just a one-time counseling session.
00:25:28
Speaker
She is a genius. She's so brilliant. And i I'm hooked every single time there's an episode. um The meat of her episodes are she sits down with a one-time counseling session with this couple and They just go over whatever their problems are and you can just pick and choose little parts of these people's problems and relate it to yourself.
00:25:54
Speaker
And just hearing her responses are, I mean, because I think like somebody will say something like, how would, if that were, if I was like counseling them, like what would I say? and then she says something beyond brilliant or just so like they need compassion in this moment or they need direction in this moment when I'm just be like, you little bitch, get over No.
00:26:18
Speaker
Well, anyway. And then there's some other episodes where she has um people call in. Those are quicker episodes. well People will call in just being like, I'm having a hard time navigating this issue and my friendship or this relationship or something.
00:26:33
Speaker
And she'll counsel them. And it's just such a great learning tool because if you kind of apply, you know, what these other people are going through to yourself in any kind of way, you Can you learn?
Job Dissatisfaction and Change
00:26:46
Speaker
Can you learn? That one, it took her a minute to get another season out. So I lost track of it. And I looked yesterday. i'm like, oh my God, there's so many more episodes.
00:26:57
Speaker
ah So I freaked out. um I don't have buzzkill segment today. I want to. I missed last week too. But you know what?
00:27:08
Speaker
You know what's a buzzkill? I got one. I got one for you right now. My fucking job, dog. Oh, it was such a tough week. Mark, he cooked me dinner the other night because had a shit day at work.
00:27:21
Speaker
And um poor thing, he had the longest day. And I was like, I'll cook you dinner. Like, that's usually what I do anyway. Cook you dinner. You know, I want you have a hot meal when you come home. he had the longest day.
00:27:32
Speaker
And he came home and I'm just like... Today was so bad. i had my quarterly cry, you know, about four times a year. my job makes me cry. That's a buzzkill.
00:27:45
Speaker
But get those tears out, you know, and then after that, I like move forward with, I'm so determined. i'm not going to live this reality anymore. and I'm going to change it because I have the power to change it.
00:27:58
Speaker
And I do with... what I do at work and also hopefully this podcast. So yeah, my nine to five is a total buzzkill and, um, praise God. We're not have to deal with that too much longer.
00:28:12
Speaker
Right. Right guys.
Listener Engagement and Support
00:28:15
Speaker
Um, but anyway, that's the podcast. Thanks for listening. Oh, wait, no, I had one more thing. I have a question of the week. So these questions of the week, I will read off um every other week.
00:28:26
Speaker
I'm kind of like what I did at the beginning where I ask a question and y'all respond because it's based on like a topic that I want to talk about for the day. um Some of them are fun. Some of them might be a little bit more introspective. But for this question of the week, what is your wildest first date story? I have got to hear it. I would binge that. If that was just a single episode of just hearing your guys' is stories on your first dates, that would be so much fun.
00:28:55
Speaker
I haven't had really many, I don't think I've had like a really bad first date. Some of them were just like awkward, but not so crazy. I want to hear it all.
00:29:06
Speaker
So, um, if you're on TikTok, you can comment or DM me or i do Reddit posts as well. Wherever you're hearing this, you will respond via DM or whatever, email. Also the email below, you can do that.
00:29:20
Speaker
But um again, thanks for listening. Please rate and review, you know, the drill. But um thanks again for supporting though. I really do enjoy the support. We're slowly growing and evolving over here. So thank you for those of you who are here along the journey with my OGs.
00:29:38
Speaker
Cheers. Bye.