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How Long is too Long to Date?
8 Plays1 month ago
In this episode, Katelynn asks us " how long is too long to date"? She gives us her unfiltered opinions and ways to have tough conversations with your partner, when the clock is ticking. Share your thoughts!
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Transcript
Introduction to Not Sorry Podcast & Dating Duration
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome back everybody to the next episode of the Not Sorry podcast. What are you not sorry for this week? But respectfully. um Today's topic is fun. I've been hearing it in and out of the interwebs amongst conversations with friends, things like
Listener Engagement: Dating Duration Opinions
00:00:22
Speaker
that.
00:00:22
Speaker
It is how long is too long to date? Let me know your opinion by commenting on the socials below or just sending me an email with your hot takes. You'll see that email below.
Dynamics of Dating Duration
00:00:36
Speaker
um Yeah, so I have heard, I'm a part of some Facebook groups, a couple of them that are just full of tens of thousands of women. So you get a ton of these types of comments or these questions really.
00:00:51
Speaker
Also, sorry, I'm a little at the tail end of being sick. So my voice sounds a little different anyway, I Really like this topic because there's a couple variations when it comes to relationships It's there's never an umbrella answer.
Host's Personal Story: Early Marriage
00:01:08
Speaker
There's never that blanket answer that Answers all the questions for everybody because relationships are so nuanced, right? They're so different and dynamic and it's always different for the people inside of them My my washer is on the spin cycle right now. So sorry about that anyway, so
00:01:30
Speaker
I do have strong opinions about this. I grew up in a family where it was very traditional Midwest Christian home where pretty much everyone in my family got married pretty fast. That that dating period was um very short. For me, I have been married before. I don't know if I've mentioned that yet, but um I was married at 19, do not recommend that.
Parental Influence on Dating Decisions
00:01:59
Speaker
I'll tell you that right now, hot take.
00:02:02
Speaker
but um We had known each other for um a couple of years, only because his family was in our church. his Him and his siblings were in our friend group. Him, not so much. He was definitely an introvert and a little, a different age. And anyway, just weird. But um his siblings were definitely in our friend group. And so a lot of time was spent with his family. Anyway, but we only dated for like a month before he proposed to me.
00:02:34
Speaker
and that's like straight out of like 1900s you know you got to get married before you die at 35 or something and but I don't want to say that I blame my parents, but I kind of do. And if you're a parent listening to this, no matter how old your children are, I'm sure you've thought about like when your kids get into that teenage range, what the boundaries will be when it comes to like dating and stuff like that.
Age-Based Dating Advice
00:03:03
Speaker
um Here's my take on that as well. We have a couple subjects going on at the same time here, but I wasn't allowed to date till I was 18. Yeah. So that might answer some questions. So I wasn't allowed to, I don't want to say experiment, but if my parents had set up different boundaries when I was younger, like 16, I think that's an appropriate age to
00:03:30
Speaker
have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but you still have parents and you still should have boundaries because you're still too young to be doing some stuff, in my opinion. But so yeah, I wasn't allowed to date until 18, so gosh, no wonder the first guy who bats a fucking eyelash at me, I'm i'm saying yes to the goddamn guy. Not thinking about it. So that was my experience and I, that was but I was 19 so i oh my gosh how old am I now? I'm 34 so a while ago and I haven't been married since. So my opinion is that it depends on when you actually start dating. So let's say you are like the high school childhood sweethearts or whatnot
00:04:22
Speaker
And you do start dating at 16 when you make it through college together, those sorts of things. And you make it through your twenties. I feel like if you started dating at a super young age like that, a longer dating period is appropriate. I really feel like it's appropriate because.
00:04:42
Speaker
You change so much when you're in your 20s and when even, I mean, over life you should be, but especially in your 20s, you're figuring out the world. You're figuring out what you want to do with your life, where you want to go. You're figuring out so much. And there's a lot of pressure, especially these days, to have it figured out and have the stability and have the the good paychecks, stuff like that.
00:05:08
Speaker
um that I think that if you just date through your 20s don't put the pressure on yourself to get married right away or things like that. Like if you're if you've been dating for like 10 years because you started dating at like 16 or 17, don't listen to what other people have
Societal Pressures on Women & Relationship Expectations
00:05:28
Speaker
to say. I think that's appropriate. And then getting married closer to when you're in your 30s because you've done so much changing since then. And if you can make it through all those life changes that your 20s offer you with a partner, I think
00:05:42
Speaker
you you have a little something going on, hopefully, and it's not so toxic thing. But that's my opinion on that. Additionally, because there's no one straightforward answer you can have for something like this. I think so I'm in my mid 30s, right? in I told my boyfriend now, when we started dating, two, three and and a half years ago, I was like, bro,
00:06:14
Speaker
If we're coming up on four years, it's time, dog. Like, it's time.
00:06:22
Speaker
Because I'm in my 30s. I found you. You are the one I want, you know, and that mindset that I grew up with where when you know, you know, you know, you found the one you just know, and you know, or whatever. That's where that kind of comes into play. For sure. It's like, you're my bro. For sure. For the rest of my life, you're it. And ah three to four years, I feel like when you are in your 30s and above,
00:06:50
Speaker
Yeah, it's time. yeah that's That's an appropriate amount of time to date. If it's young it's younger, if it's less time than that.
00:07:03
Speaker
Yeah, whatever, man. Again, there's like no straightforward answer. But I think that a lot of people do also feel rushed because I think women, especially well like 99.99% of women,
00:07:19
Speaker
I don't really think men are in this category. Definitely feel that pressure to find their person or sick of being single, that kind of stuff. We are going to get into this subject again. There's a couple other topics within this topic because I have a lot of opinions. But um I just think that when you are in your 30s or above, you You're really settled in your career, you're more financially, typically, right? Or statistically, at least for me anyway, more financially stable, and you've done a lot of personal growth, things like that. That is a good amount of time to get to know somebody, go through maybe some challenges together,
00:08:04
Speaker
figure out life together, get to know each other's personal values, how you want to raise your children, blah, blah, blah, where you want to be at the end of your life, all those things. I think that's an appropriate amount of time to date. The problem is, is that, and I'm kind of entrenching on this, this space where Mark and I have had these conversations, the unsexy conversations, right? Oh, excuse me, I got us these.
00:08:35
Speaker
the um the unsexy conversations about where we see our lives going and what it does come up on marriage and children like I I shy away from it in a way because every it's every girl's a worse nightmare to be like um you better propose to me by the end of the year or it's over. like No one wants to give the ultimatum. If you've been that girl, like I get it. like If you've been in that position, I completely relate. But at the same time, it's like you shouldn't be in that position. And is that really how you want to kickstart the rest of your life together with an ultimatum?
Importance of Open Conversations in Relationships
00:09:22
Speaker
You might have to have a hard conversation.
00:09:25
Speaker
that It's tough, like that, no one wants to get to that point of having a hard conversation about like, what are we doing? I know we've talked about a future together, but like, I'm getting the point where I want to, you know, put the nail in the coffin. Wait, no, don't say that.
00:09:43
Speaker
nail the coffin that'll scare them away for sure but you know what I mean it's every girl's worst nightmare to have these kinds of conversations and I've luckily have danced around it in a good enough way where I was direct about what I expect early on early on before it became a problem so if you're kind of in those early stages right? Take some notes, like get your notepad out. um If you're in those early stages, now's the time to really be looking for those opportunities to interject a little bit. You're like, oh yeah, what do you think about that? And one example is um one of the first conversations Mark and I had about it was we were watching some TV show. What was it? Or a reality show? Something. And
00:10:37
Speaker
Person but this is not doing it. Just anyway somebody asked another person like a couple like when are you getting married and Like the person's reaction was how everyone reacts every time you get asked that question by anybody It's like bro. I don't know man like like off And so we kind of looked at each other and it was like the perfect door that you walk through it, babe, just walk through it when it happens and just be like, man, don't you hate it when people do that? Like, and we kind of like started asking some questions and I got more and more open about it. And um so that's like one example of how you can like start to bring it up. If you're in the early stages, if you're in the late stages and you really are
00:11:25
Speaker
That, I'm sorry, that that does suck. No one wants to be in that position. And you know what? It's a good opportunity for you to grow too. I hate to say it. No one wants to hear that, but you need to do a little bit of self-reflection and think like, okay, this is what I've always wanted. I'm not telling you to compromise what you want in life, but it's time to have what first, the come to Jesus moment with yourself.
00:11:54
Speaker
This is something I've always wanted. Maybe ask yourself why, why you've been so dead set on XYZ. Just make sure your heart is in the right place and it's not coming from a place of you know, societal pressure or insecurity or fear of being alone or fear of being single at
Mother's Journey: Divorce to Finding Love
00:12:10
Speaker
36. You know what I mean? These things happen. My mom got divorced when she was, gosh, I was 21. And she found, oh my gosh, can I tell you that story? It's so cute. My mom got divorced when she was in her 50s. Yeah.
00:12:29
Speaker
Yeah, I was 21 and she got divorced and I could not imagine like after 24 years of marriage, like I'd be <unk>m single. I'm staying single for the rest of my life. And the unfortunate position my mom was in was that she hadn't, she was a stay-at-home mom our entire lives. It wasn't until we were in high school where she started doing substitute teaching, she started working at retail stores, you know, stuff like that. And her family was struggling at the time, so she had to. Not because she had the time, she had to. But when my parents were going through their divorce, of course, my mom can't support herself. She wasn't in that position. So, um yeah, finding a partner that can help support you, it was on her mind. And she would call me,
00:13:19
Speaker
In tears, the poor thing, just be like, wait I'm going to start crying thinking about it. But she would call me in tears because she would flip flop between like, OK, I'm staying single, like this is just my life and I'm at peace with that. And then she'd start crying because no, it was really in her heart to to have love, to find love and not be alone at the end of her life and her golden years. and Right? That's everybody. That's what everyone wants, is to have that person in your golden years to end your life with on a happy note. Like, no one can disagree with that. I guarantee it. And if you disagree with that, girl, you got some work to do. You gotta go to therapy. But, um, anyway.
00:14:07
Speaker
So I don't know how much time was in between my mom getting divorced and then she actually started online dating. My mother, a very devout spiritually Christian woman, started online dating. If my mom can do it, you can too, okay? So she did, I think it was Christian mingle and she was so disgusted on some of the guys like, of course there's gonna be pervs.
00:14:33
Speaker
on every corner of the internet, even on Christian Mingle. But I'm pretty sure it was Christian Mingle where she met Dave.
Conducting Relationship Conversations with Empathy
00:14:42
Speaker
And it was kind of a miracle that they hadn't crossed paths before because he's a very, um very good Christian guy, but they had a lot of um people in common, mutual friends, things like that. And it was just,
00:15:01
Speaker
So cute, just so cute, how perfect they are for each other because I had never seen my mom be physically affectionate, even with my dad. Like it was so awkward seeing my mom be like touchy feely with my dad. It was, it creeps me out. Oh, that's a typical kid thing. No, but when I started seeing her do it with Dave, I was like, my mom.
00:15:24
Speaker
oh my god she blossomed into this woman that was just hiding for years oh my gosh she's in her 50s guys there's help for everyone um and they only dated back to our subject they only dated for like a year i think it was just a year and i feel like that is an appropriate amount of time for that age range um because my parents also had a very short time window of when they were dating. So my mom was in a rush. And she kind of, she had an emotional moment with him. They were having like a conversation and, you know, a year, my mom's very sensitive. It was a year that they had been dating. And so they were having that conversation and she got real emotional. And she's like, well, if you just don't know now,
00:16:16
Speaker
Um, you know, I don't know how much longer. Like if you don't know already, then what are we doing? oh And, you know, so they had this conversation and it was that same night that he was like, Sally, will you marry me?
00:16:33
Speaker
So cute. And they got married like six months later or something like that. I could not imagine a better guy for my mom, honestly. So all that to say, bitches, there's hope. If you are afraid of being single or that life or whatever, honestly, you're gonna have to be okay with it. If especially you realize and come to terms with the fact that the guy that you're dating now may not commit or want to commit and you don't want, what do they call it? Um,
00:17:07
Speaker
When then, a shut up ring, yeah. Oh, well, that's the worst phrase in the world. Nobody wants a shut up ring and it's so obvious when somebody posts about it online, it's like, bro, that was a shut up ring. like Just based on like how douchey the bro is. like
00:17:28
Speaker
Anyway, so, Get right with yourself. You need to get right with yourself and ask yourself, like, okay, what are my motivations? Is this really what I want? Like, is this the guy that I really want? You know, it's okay to have these moments with yourself. And, you know, if all the boxes are getting checked, if you're honest with yourself, please girl. And if you don't know, I'm happy to help. Call me, call or email me. um Get right with yourself. And then, yeah, you're probably gonna have to
00:18:03
Speaker
sit down and have a tough conversation that you don't want to have because it's not romantic. It's not sexy. It's not like the proposal of your dreams or the, you know, the no no one ever imagines like a proposal, like a tough conversation happening before a proposal, right? So, but honestly, if you want to make progress in your life, you're gonna have to learn to have some tough conversations and this might be one of them. So, I don't know. You want my advice on how to do that? Okay, all right, fine, I'll tell ya. You'd have to wait for an emotionally neutral moment.
00:18:47
Speaker
not after a fight, not you know after anything like that. But sit down and just be like, hey, there's just been something on my heart. you know um I know that this has been a sensitive subject, but this is something that is important and we definitely need to talk about it.
00:19:06
Speaker
and definitely set it up in a way that I'm not here to attack you. I'm not here to pressure you to do anything. I don't want you to respond in a way that is to tell me what I want to hear. Like, don't don't say that. Even if it hurts, it's okay. I'm a big girl. I got my big girl panties on. I can handle it. It might hurt, but I'll handle it. I just want the goddamn truth.
00:19:34
Speaker
So you really have to set that foundation and that expectation of how this conversation needs to go. And honestly, their reaction will tell you everything. If they just are avoidant, they don't want to say or they just get immediately pissed off or, you know, they just get real defensive.
00:19:53
Speaker
Like their words don't mean much because their reaction, their actions, their body language, right? They'll tell you everything you need to know. The right guy, the right guy, even if he's the guy that drags his feet or blah, blah, blah, the right guy will sit down and listen, be open and honest and humble with you, even if it's not the way you want to turn out. Still, a good man will we'll sit down and like listen and say, yeah, it has been a difficult subject.
Personal Experiences: Engagement Discussions
00:20:23
Speaker
XYZ and you can just be like, i I really want to understand why this is difficult for you because I want to get on the same page as you. I can't tell you the psychology behind a teammate mentality absolutely changes everything. So when you're having those difficult conversations, no matter the subject, if you present it in a team, teammate mentality, you 99% of the time will get a much, much better response than you could have ever imagined.
00:20:56
Speaker
Not necessarily like what they're saying, but just how they're responding to you. Does that make sense? it's it's same thing the same kind of The same kind of psychology is the same for kids. so If you have kids, if you present a problem or an issue in a teammate mentality, guess how much more compliant they're going to be. I guarantee it. I've read the studies, guys.
00:21:20
Speaker
um Yeah, so that might be like the kind of conversation you have to have. And God forbid, you know, I'm rooting for you that you don't have to. um And you know what? Women are smart, right? We know how to get what we want, right? So before that tough conversation even happens, you definitely can have much more lighthearted conversations before that time comes that still answers all these questions for you.
00:21:50
Speaker
It might feel kind of awkward when the door opens, the opportunity presents itself where you're like, oh, this is my chance to ask him XYZ. And this will help me figure out where his mind is at with XYZ or whatever. I've been doing it for three and a half years. God, we're so, like, girls, use your manipulation powers for good, not for evil, okay? Harness that energy and use it.
00:22:20
Speaker
I gotta take a drink of water, one second. hey
00:22:28
Speaker
So yeah, that is my um hot take. I am rooting for you guys out there who are in the trenches of dating, you know, beating around the bush with those kinds of conversations. And God forbid I or you ever have to be in a position we don't want to be. but I've, I've definitely had to like say things to Mark where it's like, I wish I didn't have to say this, but honestly, like he can't read my mind. How else is he going to know what I want? And I know, especially when it comes to like the bling, very, very particular on what I want. Like don't be just going all willy nilly up in that store, just grabbing whatever. Okay. It doesn't matter. Oh my God. We had that conversation.
00:23:15
Speaker
Again, because the door opened and I would fucking walk right through it when it was, when I was able to like talk about like rings and like, oh, science doesn't matter. Well, I think we were watching something or, you know, TikTok videos really helped me out in these moments where I'm like, look at this hilarious TikTok video. But my motive is to open up the kind of a specific conversation I want to have in a lighthearted way.
00:23:46
Speaker
See you girls, use your powers for good. So I think it was a funny TikTok video about like some prank about like a diamond ring in our proposal. Anyway, so, and but he was the one, I didn't say shit. I was like, look at this funny video, isn't that so funny? And he was the one who continue who started the conversation. See how good we are at this? And he's like, well, I shouldn't matter. And I'm like, I'm so happy.
00:24:13
Speaker
I'm glad you asked. Speaking of which, and I was like, no, in reality, size doesn't matter. I am not a materialistic girl. I do know what I like. If, I was like, babe, if we were in a position where we were living paycheck to paycheck, living in a little shacky shack, whatever, like, if our financial situation was the opposite of what it is now,
00:24:41
Speaker
then I would not expect anything huge. Size wouldn't matter. The ah twig on my finger would be so happy. I would, because we're poor, we can't afford much. Why would I expect a five carat diamond ring?
00:24:56
Speaker
That is absolutely insane of me. Like, that's so fucking unrealistic. But we're not in that position. So if we're in a position where we can actually invest in a ring that I'm going to wear for the rest of my life, then why not? but um And then I also was like, and if ah the ring I won, sorry, that's so loud.
00:25:26
Speaker
And I also brought up, I was like, if the ring I want is a little unrealistic, and honestly, the ring I want is like lab-grown diamonds, right? Those are so much cheaper. And the only, I will say this right now, the only difference between a lab-grown diamond and a natural diamond is the resell value. They are the exact same stone.
00:25:45
Speaker
If you want a high resale value on your ring, just buy a natural diamond. And that's what I was telling him. I was like, but I don't want to resell my ring. I want to give it to my children. That's the goal. And if what I expect, or that's not the right way to put it. But you know what I mean. If what I desire for an engagement ring is a little unrealistic for you, even though I know it's not,
00:26:13
Speaker
I'll respect that. And a lot of couples do ring upgrades. That's fun. And that's cool. And when you get to a better financial position and you do a ring upgrade, like that's so cute. I really liked that. And he, when I was saying that, that people do that, he was like, no, no, I could just tell he was so against that. I'm like, all right, I got you right where I want to.
00:26:38
Speaker
And I was like, it sounds materialistic, but just like think about it. If I'm gonna wear this for the rest of my life, like I wanna like it, right? And so I've told him and I've shown him pictures and i you feel like you don't wanna do that, right? But knowing how, oh my God, I hope he never listens to this. He's not the best gift giver. We're learning, but I love him. And and there's gifts that he's given me that I absolutely love and I use every single day.
00:27:06
Speaker
but um When it's ah as important as this, I'm like, I don't want him to be in a position where he could fuck it up. So I told him another time where I was like,
00:27:17
Speaker
You know, you don't have to propose with a ring. We could always like see that together and that would be really fun. um But in the back of my mind, I'm like, so I can pick out exactly what I want and you don't have to worry about it. But he's also a really traditional guy. I don't think he would do it that way. Boy, am I digging myself a hole? No, he's the one, don't worry. But yeah, so look for those little bitty baby opportunities to have these micro, in super important conversations, but micro size. If you see a funny TikTok video that reminds you of that subject, be like, oh my god, babe, isn't that so funny? And see what happens. Seriously, use your powers for good, okay? All right, tomorrow, no, not tomorrow. Next week I'm pulling out my notepad for next week's episode. What are we talking about?
00:28:14
Speaker
um oh We're still on that dating scene topic. i I keep seeing so many posts on these Facebook groups for Nashville girls Of all these problems like girls are having and I'm just like oh lord. I'm just my heart and also You need help you need a good friend like me in your life to help you throughout your dating life. So we're going to be continuing this dating topic. Let me know your dating questions, dilemmas, everything. You can comment below. You can email on the email below if you're listening as an action.
00:28:54
Speaker
as the actual podcast. And girl we need to take it from there. I'm here for you. I'm rooting for you. Thanks for listening. I'm really excited for where this podcast is going or will go. All the things. We're starting out small. We're just a little baby.
00:29:10
Speaker
right now.
Conclusion & Call to Action
00:29:11
Speaker
So to help support you can share, um reshare the clips on socials, share the episodes, word of mouth, leave a review, the works that honestly is so helpful. Trying to achieve the dreams, the old millennial um dream of do what you're passionate about. um Yeah, whatever. Who cares? Thanks for listening, babes. Peace out. Bye.