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00:00:00
00:00:01
Maybe Don't Break Up with Him?
13 Plays3 months ago
In this weeks mailbag episode, Katelynn reads off some listener write in's and responses! Including someone who doesn't feel the spark in her new relationship after a toxic break up, someone who feels guilty about ghosting an old friend and a young mom who is struggling with her sex life with her partner after childbirth.
Write into the show: thenotsorrypodcast@gmail.com
Tiktok: @notsorrypod
Instagram: @thenotsorrypod
Youtube: @thenotsorrypodcast
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Transcript
Introduction and Listener Engagement
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back to the Not Sorry podcast. It's your favorite girl, your best online friend, podcast buddy, you know, everything. and Enough of that.
00:00:12
Speaker
um Yeah, favorite tough love bestie over here. Today we are reading in some listener write-ins and responses through, um I ask these questions on the social medias, all that stuff, and some people have written in, which is always so exciting.
00:00:27
Speaker
So we have three that we're reading today. And um if that's you and want some outside perspective, a little bit of tough love, just, you know, just something, something different. It's always good to get that like other perspective, even if you don't listen to me. It's like, why would I listen to my parents when I'm 14? You know? um yeah so let's dive
00:00:53
Speaker
um
Relationship Dilemmas and Advice
00:00:54
Speaker
All right. First one is brief and to the points. um Let's see where to go. The title of this one is I've been seeing someone for about two months. He's great, but I want to end things.
00:01:09
Speaker
ah Let me zoom in. About eight to... Let me gather myself here. Okay. About eight months ago, i had the worst heartbreak in my life. It was with a man that I had been only seeing for six months, but I fell for the love bomb and dismissed dance.
00:01:25
Speaker
And recently I've decided to get back in the dating scene. Okay. I have made a list in therapy using 10 things that my next partner must have and 10 things they cannot have.
00:01:36
Speaker
That's always a good place to start. you know, I'm not, oh, hold on. I met someone who checks those boxes, but they, but I just feel like I don't like him. I have no idea why he has a great job, emotionally intelligent, kind and funny.
00:01:53
Speaker
He is patient and is aware that I have had some baggage that I carry for my last relationship. The only thing is, is that spark that's missing, right?
00:02:04
Speaker
Things feel so bland, but maybe I'm just comfortable. Will I be making a mistake by any things or would I be making mistake by staying in something why i don't when I don't fulfill feel fulfilled? lot of Fs there.
00:02:18
Speaker
um Yeah, lists don't work. They can help. Lists, I think, are a great jumping point. How many of you, raise your hand, had in junior high and high school That list of everything that you wanted your husband to have.
00:02:37
Speaker
Being a church girly growing up, that was every every single girl had that list. That must be a godly man. They must have these qualities and have this color hair and these color eyes. Like we were psychotic.
00:02:53
Speaker
I remember, side note, sorry, side note. Side story, actually, one of my friends in high school who all of my friends in high school were also my friends in church. So we all kind of like migrated together in those little areas.
00:03:06
Speaker
um One of them, she we rode the same bus and I knew she, lot of my friends had crushes on my brothers. um But I knew it, but I dealt with it knowing that they were just going to be my friends because of boys, whatever.
00:03:21
Speaker
Anyway, this one in particular, she was the pastor's daughter. who Yeah. and bit big crush on my middle brother. Everyone knew it. But these lists, she had these lists. And for some reason, we were talking about it on the bus one morning.
00:03:37
Speaker
And She was reading her list. And it was ever it was I was reading off the description of my brother, who is a very distinct, red-headed, freckle guy.
00:03:48
Speaker
and that's not very common. And I'm like, bish. We all had those lists, but doing it in therapy, I think is a great place to start because you kind of have someone to give you like, you know, you make sure you want to have that or this, and then you can take from previous relationships, right? because you're an adult, um, previous relationships that you've had and knowing, you know, what you've learned from those things.
00:04:14
Speaker
So with this, wait, how long ago was it? It was eight months ago. ah when did you start seeing this other guy?
00:04:28
Speaker
can't really say, but it was pretty close together. you know...
00:04:34
Speaker
You're probably, don't know, it's like you're confused and it's okay to like maybe see it out a little bit.
Evaluating Partner Qualities and Self-Growth
00:04:40
Speaker
But as everyone is sick of me here saying is take some time for yourself, learn and grow from your past relationship and what it's taught you about what you want in a future partner, what you don't want in a future partner.
00:04:55
Speaker
And it sounds like from... That ex-relationship, it was very bad and toxic. And those are some, you probably have some like easy boxes to check of like, I definitely don't want a guy who's a narcissist. I definitely don't want a guy who's going to do this.
00:05:12
Speaker
But everything can change over time. That's why those stupid lists in junior high um quickly went out the door. You know, I remember there was one guy in my church. I was like, that guy, he checks all the boxes and This is an awful comparison because I was a child and you're an adult.
00:05:30
Speaker
But everything can change. you know Don't take your list as dogma, as like, this is now my 10 commandments. And I think a lot of women do that. You know, they want the six, five blue eyes, like some finance type of guy.
00:05:49
Speaker
And it's like, okay, but who are they as a person? Do they love their mother? Do they treat their mother? Well, like, how do they treat strangers when they're in a... a weird situation or something like that. Like I would take a step back, like you don't break up with the guy, but observe their heart.
00:06:09
Speaker
Are they kind? Are they, um, exactly like how did they treat their mother? Like how is their relationship with their mother? And, you know, even with that, although ah relationship with their, a good relationship with their mother is an excellent green flag. Sometimes it's not always the case.
00:06:26
Speaker
So you just take it with a grain of salt and say like, okay, they, their mom might be dead or um they don't have a great relationship with their mother and like just learn more about that. Like just because they have a shitty relationship with their mom doesn't mean they're automatically a bad guy or a bad person. Okay. Or have all these bad. Anyway.
00:06:47
Speaker
There's so many nuances. And I would say things just change. They change so much. And understand the type of person that you naturally attract. i talk about I've talked about this already. like The kind of guy that I would just naturally bring toward me were those introverted, um melodramatic, complicated guys. The in the intelligent, like broody,
00:07:16
Speaker
No, moody and like brooding kind of like guy. And it was always so mysterious to me and all that stuff. And I'm an extrovert. And so, of course, opposites attract, right? Like literally.
00:07:28
Speaker
And it just never worked. I was always like, bro, can you use your words? Like, I don't know what's going on with you. And then I would get too pushy and they would feel like I was being overbearing or, you something like that. And I had to break the cycle.
00:07:44
Speaker
break the cycle and I did that and I found somebody who is on the exact opposite spectrum of everything I've ever dated but I would always imagined that I always imagined dating a guy like Mark.
00:07:59
Speaker
Someone who is outgoing, easy in groups, like just easy going, can talk to anyone and just a happy-go-lucky, like that's what I love. Like someone who knows when to take things seriously has a great relationship with their family, and can make me laugh.
00:08:18
Speaker
Big, big one is they make me laugh. And when Mark and I first met, it wasn't that I was actually thinking about this earlier today, because I was listening to a Mel Robbins clip about the spark versus the slow burn relationships.
00:08:35
Speaker
And um I've definitely had been on dates with people who I've instantly had this insane spark with, but they're clearly not here right now, right?
00:08:46
Speaker
um And with Mark, there was a spark, but it's not like that, like, firework sparks, if you will. One reason being, I kind of figured out when we first met, we were talking and stuff, that he was kind of, start he had just started to see someone, so I'm like, I'm gonna lay off the charm, not like, you know,
00:09:09
Speaker
But I did try to give him my phone number later that night. I was drunk. Okay, whatever. But the point is, is that it wasn't like this immediate like, spark. I was like, I like that guy. That guy was really nice and funny. We a good conversation. liked him.
00:09:24
Speaker
And, um and um So it wasn't that insane spark. It would be more along the lines of that slow burn. So it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to see if there would be a slow burn in your situation. and um you know, keep it. i would In that case, if you're if you want to test out the waters, like definitely keep it low key. You don't want to put so much investment into this relationship.
00:09:51
Speaker
Take it step by step. see if that slow burn does turn into a spark and usually those from what mel robbins said anyway those relationships last the longest right i think that's the way it was but yeah it's okay to be curious like just get curious curious about him like he checks all these boxes and um figure out take it step by step go on dates get to know him a little bit more how long did you say you knew him two months three months six months ah No, that was the other guy. I
00:10:25
Speaker
i met someone.
00:10:28
Speaker
Sorry, one second. a You didn't actually say how long you've been seeing him. But you're still healing from that past relationship too. So like just take it. Take it easy. you don't have to break up with the guy. Don't overanalyze.
00:10:43
Speaker
Don't have that like decision paralysis type of thing. Just... Take a deep breath. Take it as is. Let them know exactly where you're at with things. There's nothing wrong with that. And honestly, the beginning of relationships is the best time to be so brutally honest. Be like, dude, I'm getting out of this relationship that I'm honestly still healing from.
00:11:04
Speaker
I do like you. i want to see where things can possibly go. So let's just take it easy. Let's, you know. Just take it easy. Nothing crazy serious right now, but you are the only person I'm seeing or I'm going to go on dates with other people. Like whatever it is you want to that conversation with, like that's the easiest time to have that courage is the beginning, honestly. And if you're listening, if anyone's listening to this, who's in the first early stages of a relationship, dude, now's the time.
00:11:31
Speaker
Put your pedal to the metal, man. Like say what you want to say and see what happens. Yeah. What else? What's the worst thing can happen? He says no. And you're like, Oh, wow. Bullet dodged. Okay, next.
00:11:44
Speaker
Um, okay.
Intimacy Struggles and Communication
00:11:47
Speaker
This one's a little touchy. And I highly relate to it. Um, the subject line is how do I fix my sex life?
00:11:57
Speaker
oh Babe, okay. Okay.
00:12:00
Speaker
I had my baby girl six months ago. My sex life is almost non-existent. I waited eight weeks to have sex and I'm just not into it anymore. Okay.
00:12:12
Speaker
It's to the point I thought of telling my boyfriend we can have an open relationship so he can be satisfied. Babe. No. um and Okay.
00:12:25
Speaker
We have sex maybe once a week, two times if I'm lucky. That's more than me.
00:12:32
Speaker
Okay, where was I? um It's not his fault, or it's not his fault, is it mine? question mark Kind of, I guess, and after I had the baby, I gained some weight and I do not find myself attractive anymore. And when we go to have sex, I'm disgusted by myself, so I just let him get off.
00:12:49
Speaker
It's hard to please me since I had the baby and I just want to know if there's a way to fix this or is it worth it just letting him open our relationship? I know it's got, I know it's got to suck wanting sex and not being able to have it.
00:13:02
Speaker
I probably should add I'm trying to lose weight, but it's hard working 40 hours a week and pretty much every day. So I don't have much time to, I think this from the sounds of it, ah you're young, very young.
00:13:15
Speaker
And, um Oh,
00:13:19
Speaker
My heart breaks. I was in a sexless marriage. You're not. Well, you're not in a sexless relationship. I'll tell you that. If you're forcing it, i can feel i get it. Like it just doesn't feel good. Like you're like, all right, I just want to make sure he feels satisfied. And it really has nothing to do with with you um when it has everything to do with you.
00:13:45
Speaker
Have you heard of postpartum? Anything postpartum doesn't even have to be postpartum depression. and Anything postpartum is difficult. And I don't have to be a mom to know that or tell you that.
00:13:58
Speaker
Okay, I'm going be a little nicer. But honestly, no, you will regret that. Like, have you sat down and just said, hey, I'm struggling. I know you probably want this more than I do, but I am going through XYZ. I feel this way about myself. And I really want to make sure we're in a good spot where you with our sex life XYZ.
00:14:24
Speaker
Don't even put, I mean, if that's your jam, an open relationship, I'm not going to yuck your yum. But you will regret that. Like, don't, that's the easy way out in a way, but it also will hurt you.
00:14:40
Speaker
it um It will, it will. And is that really how you want your life? Because you're so concerned about him? No, focus on yourself. Have the conversation with him. See where he's at. You don't even know.
00:14:54
Speaker
you know? Doesn't sound like it. Doesn't sound like you've sat down had kind of a hard conversation about your sex life. I can't tell you it how many times I've had those conversations with my ex-husband.
00:15:08
Speaker
Oh boy. Okay. Here, here we go. Here's the story. Um, I got married as we know at 19, four months later, he deployed to Afghanistan and he was gone for a year.
00:15:19
Speaker
I stayed back in Nebraska for like a long period of time. And then eventually went back up here to, or down here to Tennessee to get a job, establish myself while he was still away.
00:15:30
Speaker
Anyway, a year later he gets back. Actually, I think it was like 18 months later he gets back and I waited till marriage. Okay. You know, your girl had some desires and some, um, yeah, wanted to do it a lot.
00:15:48
Speaker
And, uh, he gets back and okay. Pop quiz. How long did it take for us to do the deed after not seeing each other as newlyweds for like 18 months? A, one month.
00:16:02
Speaker
three one month b three weeks C, four months.
00:16:11
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. No. It's C. It took like four months to actually do it. Bro. That.
00:16:22
Speaker
I still can't wrap my head around it. I cannot. Sure. You know, if you're deployed. He was... He was not in combat, so we're not going to give too much of a, oh, you know, all the violence. No, he's sitting by behind a computer all day. Not that it wasn't stressful. Like, there's some grace, and I get that coming out of something like that is very stressful, no matter what.
00:16:45
Speaker
um
00:16:49
Speaker
But I mean, don't you want to like relax a little? You just want to like, oh my God, it was the worst, the worst. And, and, oh, well, okay.
00:17:01
Speaker
Here's another fun fact. Mid-deployment, he comes home for R&R for like a week or two, two weeks. I think it was two weeks. um It took like a week.
00:17:12
Speaker
We wasted a whole week. And during that week, I found out he was like cheating on me. It was so fucked up, guys. It was so fucked up. But even now, my sex life, dude, it's like one time a week, which is great. It's great. And sometimes I went twice.
00:17:30
Speaker
And that's good. But don't put so much pressure on yourself to think like, oh, this is what a healthy sex life looks like. It has to be like six times a week with all these crazy little things. And you have to feel this way. You have to look this way. That's a healthy. No, it's not.
00:17:46
Speaker
No. No. a healthy sex life is what a healthy sex life is to you not to what you've consumed on social media or dumb fake tv shows okay you need to take a step back calm down have a conversation and then start to rebuild write down and talk about it with each other of what what is a good sex life what does that look like for us it may not happen right now But I want to work towards something like that because, yeah, I just had a baby. um I'm getting my body back and, you know, being postpartum, like not baby weight or losing weight or anything like that, but just everything that goes on inside of you physically and hormonally takes a full on year.
00:18:30
Speaker
I know this because I have a background and whatever. But give yourself a little bit of grace. Continue to work on yourself. 100% do that. You're taking action to feel better about yourself. I love that. You're going in a really good direction.
00:18:46
Speaker
Continue to go on walks. Plan out your day. Prioritize your activity, your workouts, whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself. Block schedule. Do whatever you need. You have a baby now. Do as much as you can to schedule. Okay? I know being a new mom, it's it's a little like,
00:19:04
Speaker
ah but right? But big thing is just stop putting those expectations on yourself. you're You're assuming something about him that you could be 100% wrong.
00:19:16
Speaker
He could be 100% happy about your sex life. He's probably just happy that it's happening twice a week, which is a lot more than some people, probably a lot of people. Babe, you're fine.
00:19:28
Speaker
You're fine. Trust me. So down and just have have a little bit of a chat and stop putting so much pressure on yourself and continue to take action ah what you want to do how you want to feel and how you want to look and like just love yourself a little bit more as well. Okay.
00:19:44
Speaker
All right.
00:19:47
Speaker
did Was I done talking about myself?
00:19:51
Speaker
Bro, that was tough. That was so tough. Those four months of like I was continuously like, what is going on in your head? Like he was a complicated introvert who just was so just emotional ah and so like unpredictable. And like, I just like, can you say words?
00:20:14
Speaker
Like i wasn't, I didn't think I was being overbearing, but as a 19, 20 year old, you don't have a lot of tools in your toolbox for managing relationships and conflict and things like that.
00:20:26
Speaker
Um, so I knew that I could be overbearing when I am in a tough situation. um but I knew that. So I would like take a step back and like, like give him a minute to like, okay, respond.
00:20:40
Speaker
And we would sit there in silence for minutes on end, just silence. And looking back, it's like, he didn't even know. i knew he didn't even know what he felt or wanted to say.
00:20:52
Speaker
I think. Or he was just too much of a fucking coward to say something. oh It was the worst. And I brought it up. Like i take things head on and I've learned um the art of that because sometimes it can be wrong place, wrong time.
00:21:12
Speaker
And you know, it's an art. It really is conflict resolution and difficult conversations really is an art that you will continuously perfect. um Even if you're with the same partner for years on end.
00:21:24
Speaker
Okay. Cause life changes you. Next one and our last one. where is it? all right.
Friendship Challenges and Apologies
00:21:34
Speaker
Subject line of this one is how do I apologize to a friend I've ghosted for about four months?
00:21:41
Speaker
Friendships. I know a lot about that. Okay. I ghosted a friend for the past four months. I never answered her. We went through, I went through a long depressive episode um actually related to a diagnosed mood disorder, riddled with problems at work.
00:21:57
Speaker
And I feel like I'm only coming out of it very recently. I isolated myself, avoided any social gathering, only talked to people I saw directly and rarely reaching out to anyone that didn't reach me first.
00:22:09
Speaker
Lately, now that my problems with my work are basically over and that I feel like I'm getting my head out of the water, I've been feeling super guilty about ghosting that friend. What's worse is that I know she herself had problems and I wasn't there for her.
00:22:25
Speaker
And I'm afraid that reaching out to her will make things worse and that she hates me. I'm super non-confrontational. You're talking to the right person. And that's something I know is what is wrong with me.
00:22:35
Speaker
Is apolog apologizing to her a good thing or should I let her be? And how should I go with the apology? is a good thing. 100%. You know, it... and you know I think if she is a real true good friend and you go to her with humility and honesty, she'll respond the same way. If she's like, you fucking bitch, you weren't there for me, but I don't care about your problems. ah Well, you got your answer. You cannot feel guilty anymore and you move on and never talk to them again. Okay.
00:23:10
Speaker
Because A real friend will be like, I had no idea. I really wish you reached out and have a good another good question to know is.
00:23:20
Speaker
is Um, did she reach out during that time too? It's kind of sounds like it. Um, but if not, it's like, well, it is a two way street, but if she did, when it sounds like she was reaching out during that period of time, you know, just respond to be like, Hey, can we get lunch? Can we get dinner? Let's get a drink. i I really want to talk to you about what's been going on because I feel really guilty about just what hibernating. I do the same thing. I went through a lot of like difficult times.
00:23:53
Speaker
And when I go through really long periods of stressful times, that's what I do. I hibernate. And I collect my thoughts. I collect my energy. That is very natural for me to to kind of hermit myself.
00:24:05
Speaker
and And there's nothing wrong with that. There's healthy ways to do that. And there's non-healthy ways to do that. I know for me, when I'm in those periods of time, it's healthy for me to... Because i I don't even want to talk. right? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want think i just hermit, right?
00:24:22
Speaker
um And it's important for me to have at least one person to be like, yeah, this is what I'm going through. XYZ. I don't care about what they're going to say. Just saying it out loud is so healing.
00:24:35
Speaker
It really is. So definitely reach out and might feel hard, might feel like awkward, but this isn't a confrontation. That's also a very important thing you need to remember this. You're not confronting anything. If anything, you're confronting yourself and what you went through and you're just reaching out to a friend that you haven't talked to in a while. Okay. Like reframe it in that way so that it's easier for you to reach out and like kind of say something difficult to someone that you truly care about.
00:25:06
Speaker
so
00:25:08
Speaker
That's what the confrontational queen recommends. um No, I love that one. i am I've been through some tough friendships before. I think we all have. And you know what? We can learn from them all. We can learn from...
00:25:25
Speaker
everything we can learn from today. So um that is everything for the pod.
Personal Updates and Podcast Goals
00:25:32
Speaker
I really appreciate y'all listening. I do not have a buzzkill segment today because life's been kind of good. I don't have much complaints, but I have a big weekend ahead of me.
00:25:41
Speaker
So stay tuned. There's something, there's something coming up. I have a girlfriend's bachelorette party on Saturday, which I'm actually pretty stoked about, except that they want to do a workout in the morning. Ew.
00:25:52
Speaker
But I'll i'll do it because I need to get a workout in anyway. And it might be kind of fun to do it with friends. So. We're doing that. And then we're going to, we're doing brunch at another girl's house.
00:26:04
Speaker
Then we're going to do the Petal Tavern in Nashville. I'm in Nashville, guys. I've never done a Petal Tavern. They are a bitch to drive behind, but they actually look kind of fun. And it's going to be the most gorgeous spring day on Saturday.
00:26:17
Speaker
And um the only problem with those is that you have to bring, and I knew this, you have to bring your own, like, beer or booze, but you can't bring hard alcohol or like you can't do high noons or anything like that. It's like beer and then like White Claws and Trulies. And those two, i don't want to do beer because calories.
00:26:39
Speaker
And the White Claws and Trulies make me feel like an absolute whale when I drink them. They're so insanely carbonated. So I'm either going to do like Twisted Teas or think there was one other option. Anyway, so that's actually gonna look, seem like pretty, pretty fun.
00:26:57
Speaker
Every so often I'll get in the mood to do like the stereotypical like Nashville tourist thing, you know? you know Some people who move here, it's super annoying. They're like, i it's been one year and I can't stay in this city. All there is to do is just drink and bar hop. Like, bitch, I know you came here on a vacation, had the time of your life. We're like, this is every day.
00:27:24
Speaker
this is Nashville. Woo. And then you move here and realize that this you got to live a normal life. Like get your head out of your ass. Like this city is so much fun. I love it. There's so much to do Just change your expectation. No, you're not going to be bar hopping every weekend and hitting up Broadway on like the drag queen party bus. No, no. Okay. I do that.
00:27:51
Speaker
I do you like a touristy thing like once, maybe twice a year. Other there's plenty of other things to do. Plenty, okay? And it's not all about country music.
00:28:02
Speaker
Wow, I really got on a tangent there.
00:28:06
Speaker
Anyway, if you want my recommendations for your next trip to Nashville, and give me a call. um But no, for the Buzzkill segment, I do want to hear your guises. So if you're on TikTok listening to this,
00:28:18
Speaker
comment your buzzkill and a buzzkill is something that happened that just totally ruined the vibe or that something you just want to complain about that's like super petty i love it so comment or dm me there or email me down below you'll see that and um thanks again for supporting the pod as you all know i'm trying to make this a full-time gig a lot of intrusive thoughts are happening a lot of self-doubt and negativity and walter's here to support what a sweetie pie Um, but we're staying positive. If my, like I've always said, if my fitness journey has taught me anything, it's to trust the process.
00:28:56
Speaker
So that's what we're doing every day, day in, day out, just going for it. Okay. Thanks again. Rate and review, recommend, whatever, you know, the drill. Love you.