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EP. 86 Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Theme
00:00:00
Speaker
That a shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:06
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how i identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrubbing the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
00:00:55
Speaker
Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys, One Screen, a.k.a. the Hemorrhoid Homies, a.k.a. the Poet Town Boys, a.k.a. the Diarrhea Daddies. And we're here for an edition of The Vault.
00:01:09
Speaker
Sweener. What are you fumbling around over there? Just the mic. Fucking smacking it. Yeah, fucking gonna smack you. gonna discipline you later. Yeah, we're here to review a movie that got pushed, i mean, how many times? Six? Is six even couple times? Probably.
00:01:23
Speaker
Every time we had to push something, it was just this. was this fucking movie. Just this. And it's, you know, no hate against the movie. It's just sometimes you just got to go.
Movie Introduction: Sweeney Todd
00:01:31
Speaker
Do what you got to do. But this is Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street.
00:01:36
Speaker
Fleet. Fleet. we'll well We'll definitely get into it. We'll do a... Plug it in. Plug it in. So follow us on Instagram, TwoGuysOneScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, and movie requests to TwoGuysOneScreenPod at gmail.com.
00:01:51
Speaker
Follow us on YouTube. TikTok. Follow us individually Letterboxd. Send us a fucking voicemail. 508-8-5-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8- listen to our physical media podcast oh kiss sorry you want it You want it or not. We're waiting.
00:02:08
Speaker
The kiss isn't you know kiss isn't involved. That's fucking gay. but You're going to get fucked. the kiss is Right. The kiss is involved with you want it or not we're not. We're not making love. We're fucking. yeah right my cousin My cousin texted me and she's like, Nick, you didn't warn me about Yeah, You Want It. And I'm like, I told you the show's name was a fucking innuendo to Yeah, You Want It.
00:02:30
Speaker
How dare she? What are you missing here? It's yeah, you want there's fucking moaning sounds in the intro music. What did I know? What did you expect? The podcast name is about porn. It's two guys, one screen. I've watched that now.
00:02:42
Speaker
Right. I don't fucking know what I'm doing myself. But anyways, if you don't fucking know, yeah you want it a little bit sexual. Tiny bit. You know, it's a good, ah it's a good, a good little side fucking.
00:02:57
Speaker
Yeah. A little, little piece we got going. You can jerk off to intro music. You could, if you wanted to, if you are into that kind of thing. okay well judge It was pretty cute. because We are recording this on September 18th. Zathura just came out, which is a deep fucking cut vault episode.
00:03:13
Speaker
And it was so cute to hear us talk about physical media pickups like we used to do. And now it's not just, yeah, you want it. just what it is. Now we're just like ear raping you.
00:03:23
Speaker
Yeah, that's it. And we're just set playing sensual tones. I don't, not as wild as I remember besides stuff that got bleeped. The stuff that got bleeped was fucking crazy. i agree. But what didn't get bleeped, not as bad.
00:03:36
Speaker
But we were in our infancy. Yeah, it was the seed. You know what i mean? Yeah. We
Tim Burton's Cinematic Style
00:03:41
Speaker
were toddlers. Now we're fucking preteens. Maybe. Maybe.
00:03:47
Speaker
ah Yeah, so we're here to review Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber Fleet. Straight. And spoiler warning, which I never do anymore, but it's a scene by scene. And it's a musical.
00:04:03
Speaker
it's ah This is our second review of musical, our first review scene by scene. Right, and you're probably thinking, hey, how can you do a scene by scene of a musical? It's actually pretty easy because it's just lines of dialogue but sung instead of spoken.
00:04:16
Speaker
Yeah, and we're we're actually just gonna sing on the podcast for you. We're going to sing the song line by line for you. Okay. I was just trying to make a joke. We're not doing that, obviously. Dibs on the fucking creep-ass kid.
00:04:31
Speaker
What, like his song? Toby? Yeah. Anthony. with me The kid that's helping out fucking Helena Big Tits, or the other one?
00:04:40
Speaker
No, the other one. The one that comes on the boat with Sweeney. Antony. an Antony. He calls him Antony at the beginning. Yeah. Innit, bruv. Innit, bruv. Pip, pip, cheerio. Sucking, fucking squirting my tea.
00:04:55
Speaker
If you want me to. I just wanted to look up who did... I guess there's no there's probably no credit, huh? The people who did the music for this movie is probably just... It's based off of Broadway play? Yeah, whoever did the Broadway, I'm assuming.
00:05:08
Speaker
Well, shout out them. I'm sorry i don't know your name right now, but shout out to you. Shout out that me up The film was directed by Tim Burton, which you probably already heard our other Tim Burton... Our two Tim Burton reviews at this point now.
00:05:23
Speaker
We got Beetle Beetle, Justice for Bob, and we got... ah At this point, probably Edward Scissorhands is out. Yeah, for sure. Right? That's going to me a Christmas dropper.
00:05:36
Speaker
That's a... You're going to get fucking plopper in i know about Yeah. I mean, I don't know what is coming out, but if we do this, ah you might have heard more. oh that's true.
00:05:49
Speaker
We don't know. Let's not spoil that in case that doesn't happen. ah if you're If you don't know who Tim Burton is, the fuck... Yeah, but this movie is like kind of like right up his alley.
00:06:01
Speaker
It's also probably like maybe his best movie. I will say I will say I like this. I like this more than 89 Batman. That's a fucking hot take.
00:06:13
Speaker
I haven't seen 89 Batman in a hot minute. And I like this more than Beatle. The OG Beatle. Yeah, yeah, I do.
00:06:23
Speaker
Sizzy is decent, I guess. Get Sizzy, you know what mean? Corpse Bride's good. You haven't seen it. yeah That is a blind spot. You're right. I should just buy the steelbook and then just watch it.
00:06:34
Speaker
you it Yeah, because it's not it's not going to be lower than a three. I can guarantee you that. It's got to be at at least a three. And it's right. don't know if you were going to say got Got to be.
00:06:46
Speaker
If we both say it, I'll i press the button. If we don't, I just don't do it. Now, Charlie. Why is Charlie in the Chocolate Factory? I have a 3.3 on Letterboxd. Shit. Shit. I give it a 2. Shit. Just like his chocolate fucking stream. That's 100% true, and I'm trying to swim in it.
00:07:04
Speaker
Yes. Alice in Wonderland? Shit. have I've seen it at some point in my life. Sleepy Holler? Overrated? Overrated? Big overrated. Holy fuck. He's boring as shit.
00:07:16
Speaker
Shout out to ah any any distributor who keeps trying to do 4Ks of Mr. Burton's films because look like shit. so sleepy Sleepy holler included.
00:07:27
Speaker
Yeah. Like, yeah. Real bad. Wow. For the first, I think, like half of this movie, I couldn't see shit for Sweeney. i was like, Wow. i was immensely concerned at the beginning of the film with like the credits and the blood and the grinder. I was like, holy fuck, this looks horrible.
00:07:48
Speaker
But to be fair, as we go on the film, there is some practical blood. Yeah. That guy who breaks his leg, that looked practical.
00:07:59
Speaker
I think the only good thing about this 4K is since it's basically a fucking black and white movie damn near. Grayscale, yeah. Also, I just want to say, I just said someone broke their leg in this movie. I'm talking about a movie that I watched last night, not this movie.
Controversial Humor and Character Analysis
00:08:14
Speaker
Sorry. ah So when the blood does happen, it's pretty apparent because it's fucking bright. Squirt in Tambien. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Fucking drinking Coke over there. Yeah, that's what it is.
00:08:29
Speaker
I like it. I'm jelly. It's McDonald's Coke, too. That's why I'm jelly. By the way, I know like we're in like political turmoil whatever. i just want to say Coke is better than Diet Coke.
00:08:41
Speaker
I didn't think that was a question. Yeah. i mean Well, some people want want to fight me on that, and that's just what it is. i mean, if I fuck with Coke Zero. I like it, but the people who say you can't taste different, you're fucking wrong.
00:08:53
Speaker
You can. You're definitely wrong, but it's closer because Diet Coke's not even anywhere on the fucking... so Battery acid. yeah Yeah. It's battery acid.
00:09:04
Speaker
Give me the fucking cast, shall we? i You know what? I fucking will give you the cast. God damn it. We got... ah Why does it say this? We got a little known actor. We got Johnny Depp who plays Sweeney Todd, a.k.a. Benjamin Barker, a.k.a. You Wanna to Bark at My Box?
00:09:21
Speaker
Yes. Benjamin Bach. And we literally just covered five of his films almost in a row bi-weekly. so Go check those episodes out to hear Gerald rub his fake clit.
00:09:34
Speaker
ah um Honestly, dude, like one of the funniest moments of my life was you rubbing your clit. Rubbing my clit? Yeah. Gerald has a clit. Unfortunately, there's no video, but just take our word.
00:09:46
Speaker
I know. i I'm like, I kind of like want to hit up Zencast be like, can you get this for me? Can you get this? I want it. And then we get into half of Voldemort's army. Then we get into, we get into, yeah, we get into, they just took all the Harry Potter cast and put them in this movie.
00:10:01
Speaker
Harry, check out our Harry Potter episodes. um Our golden years. Yeah. That was a tip. Our cream and the crop.
00:10:12
Speaker
We were prime and now we're just trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. but We don't know. We know were pulling Nicolas Cage type shit, you know? He was good at when he first started, then he went into a drought, and now he's back. yeah we got We gotta have, like, our long legs episode. Right. We did a long legs episode, but we gotta have our long legs episode, like, come back. you know or redeem A redeetion with the red fuck our redemption? A redemption.
00:10:36
Speaker
yeah Yeah. The raid. Redemption. Shout to that movie, actually. I saw a Blu-ray steelbook at Bull shout bull Moose. Do you know how fucking shitty it looked? Also, a bad thing I just want to say, I'm just so happy that we have like technology and whatever. Because when you're like browsing the shelves and you see a Blu-ray steelbook that came out in like the 2000s or 2010s, I'm so fucking happy we have new ones now. cause they just look like shit.
00:11:03
Speaker
They just look fucking horrible. They look old. They look beat. Yeah, I forget who put them out. But like I have one for The Departed. It's literally just a fucking gun. Yeah, I know that one. Yeah, that one. The Inception one's literally just a fucking building, I think.
00:11:17
Speaker
So fucking bad. Real bad. I think it's all same company right there. i don't i don't know I don't know who was the first to do it, but God bless you. The glossy cover on a steelbook. Hey, thanks.
00:11:28
Speaker
Thanks, man. Maybe someone was beating it to the departed and then fucking splooged on top of it and rubbed it in. It was like, oh glossy cover. That'll make it look good and it'll feel good on my fucking dick.
00:11:40
Speaker
40 instead of 30. Wow. Yeah. So I don't know how we got here, but Johnny's ever commented, though. The Fantastic Four steelbook clean. We never did comment.
00:11:51
Speaker
I would agree. It looks better than the picture. Also, they updated the one flew over the cuckoo's nest steelbook. Still looks like ass, but they also announced the generic 4K. I will be buying. There you go. Hey, that moving black and white?
00:12:05
Speaker
No. What the fuck am I thinking of? ah I don't know. it Something else. Alright, were we fucking Johnny Depp in the movie? Yeah. we Yeah, I'm just not. i'm just The buttons are not working.
00:12:22
Speaker
I just feel like because of the time period, like everyone probably smells. You know, hygiene, not up to date. Sure. Johnny in this movie is a barber, so you could probably get get he could probably trim your sack real nice.
00:12:38
Speaker
That's true, but out of all the people to trim my sack, it's probably not him because he's a little dangerous. But before he gets the idea to murder people, I'd be like hey, can you just take a look at this? Hey, I got a problem down there.
00:12:50
Speaker
Take a look at it. Got this one patch that won't go away. Can you, like, trim it? Yeah, please. ah Next, we have Helena Bonham Carter. I'm still fucking her. Yeah, I mean, she kind of looks the same in every single movie she does. Oh!
00:13:05
Speaker
kind of like fucking ratchet but i'm fucking it either way you get fucking rinsed her titties are absolutely insane yes i would agree i have something to say later that i'm in like three minutes okay we have uh alan rickman r.i.p who plays judge turpin i'm fucking this guy with the fucking five o'clock shadow or clean shaven don't care i'll put fuck him in his neck crevice i don't give a shit yeah whatever dude with your consent alan Of course. Essentially just playing Severus Snape again.
00:13:39
Speaker
Yeah. Hold on. Good dude. yeah I think you made a joke about Alan Rickman. I didn't hear it. said he's essentially just playing Snape again. Yeah, he does. how I mean, this is in 2007.
00:13:51
Speaker
two thousand seven They're making them, you know, so this he's probably like, they're like, yo, can I just basically act as Snape? And they're like, yeah. Oh, Sweener.
00:14:03
Speaker
all right, next we got Timothy Spall, who plays Beatle. This guy is ugly as fuck, though. Yeah, man. He's just not yeah fucking it. Again, kind of just playing fucking Peter Pettigrew again. He really is. if you need a villain, just take this guy.
00:14:19
Speaker
Yeah, this guy's this guy's it, dude. This guy looks like he could have been like a James Bond villain in like the ninety s or something. I would agree with you. He does. um Yeah, he plays Beatle.
00:14:31
Speaker
Then we got Sacha Baron Cohen, who plays Adolfo Pirelli. I haven't seen too many Sacha Baron Cohen movies, so i'm just going to say i I liked him in this movie.
00:14:42
Speaker
Yeah, I've seen The Dictator, obviously. too, I feel like that's a big one. I really need to see Borat because people fucking hype Borat up. That one I'm scared about. Like, if I watch it and then it's like not it. not because people say it's like one of the funniest movies ever. Yeah, exactly. Borat, cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan.
00:15:02
Speaker
I can't even tell you what that because know talking about. It's all that I know. It's the name the movie. ah Next, we got Jamie Campbell Bauer. ah who plays Antony. Ant-Man. He was in Harry Potter. Who the fuck was he? He was in Deathly Hallows 1. So I don't know. He's probably Deep, no? What the fuck's his name?
00:15:25
Speaker
I already forgot it. looking. I'm looking for his picture. Oh, look. Everybody who's in fucking Swinger Todd. Wow. I already fer forgot his name, so I don't fucking know. I'm Deep in him. Jamie Campbell Bower.
00:15:40
Speaker
He's probably like a fucking student that's like walking or something. Wow, you couldn't be any lower in this unless I missed him. Okay, well, he's in there somewhere. He's also in Twilight, a lot of them. This goes peace, shout out to you.
00:15:51
Speaker
ah ne I don't think I'm fucking Antony either. he gave me the big He gave me big vibes of that guy in the pirate movies that wanted to save the mermaid. Yes. He ain't fucking it.
00:16:04
Speaker
ain't fucking it. Next, we have Laura Michelle Kelly who plays Lucy, a.k.a. Beggar Woman. Spoiler? Definitely a spoiler right there. Look, I'm fucking the wife, but my fucking her as a beggar? Probably not.
00:16:22
Speaker
Definitely not. She kind of looks like a deadite. That is valid. Dying, dying.
00:16:29
Speaker
All right, I have a take. no Okay, I have a take and i and I know what you think I'm gonna say and I'm not gonna say it. I am gonna say this though, okay?
00:16:40
Speaker
I am gonna say this, all right, let me get it out. Go for it. Is it wrong of us to say we'd give her the fucking pipe?
00:16:51
Speaker
or Or is it worse that in this movie, the entire time she's on screen, the people who made this movie propped her tits up?
00:17:05
Speaker
Isn't that just like the time though? Didn't like all dresses have corsets that did that? We should call Jake. ah He's still at work. He's at work. Fuck.
00:17:15
Speaker
We should ask Jake that question. I'm just saying she's a little girl. Maybe don't prop her tits up like that. That's very true because it gives- Like how old is she?
00:17:27
Speaker
That's my question. How old is she actually? movie? Yeah. In the movie, she's like 15, right? 15, yeah. Because when she got kidnapped, she was just a baby. Her name is Jane with a Y. That's kind of wild.
00:17:39
Speaker
Like fucking G.I. Jane. Oh, don't say that. I'm about to get slapped. Shout out Will Smith. Bro, she was born 1987. She was 20. Oh, fucking her.
00:17:53
Speaker
here's twenty oh we're fucking her They were fucking her. Without question, we're fucking her. Yeah, can't fuck the character in the movie, but while she was filming it, she was still fuckable. But Jane Wisner, you can get fucked.
00:18:06
Speaker
Yeah. We're good. That clears... That works. We're not saying we're fucking an underage. We're saying we're fucking Jane Wisner in 2007. That's right.
00:18:16
Speaker
I'll probably still fuck her now. I mean mean, these pictures don't look like they've been updated, but yeah. She's only like 10... She's like... Oh, she's probably like almost 40 now. That's fine. She's 37. She's 38. Yeah.
00:18:27
Speaker
Yeah. Well, anyways, she can get fucked. And I just don't know how i feel about them making her fucking tits all propped up like that. It's not right. Yeah. It just feels exploitative little bit, but she's not, she wasn't actually a kid. So maybe I don't care. Maybe that's why they allowed it. Maybe just want to, just want to, you know what I mean?
00:18:44
Speaker
ah they They needed to give the fuck's his name? Judge Turpin? Yeah, Turpin. They needed to give him a hot piece ass. oh do do Not Turpin. I know.
00:18:55
Speaker
Next we got... Judge Turpin!
00:18:59
Speaker
Next, we got Ed Sanders, not Ned Flanders. He plays Toby. This kid, look at this kid now. Is this a wild photo? Who the fuck is that? That's a school shooter. Yo, I mean, this movie came out in 2007, so it's been like 20 years, so I get it.
00:19:13
Speaker
Right. He plays Toby. We can't fuck Toby, I don't think. And I don't think we can make, he was born 1993. 2007 minus Yeah. Hold on. is fourteen yeah we're just no comment yeah ah damn we We were young, young when this movie came out. home Yeah. I mean, Chris Benoit just gotten fucking murdered.
00:19:34
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, he did the murdering. I mean, this is like a few months after Chris Benoit getting murdered. Yeah. This came out at Christmas. Chris did his little deed on in June. the Okay. No, he did. His kid didn't see Christmas of 2007. No, Santa Claus didn't come to town that year.
00:19:54
Speaker
No. Well, that a year without Santa. Good movie. I would agree with that. so Do we need to shout anybody else out? I don't believe so. That's fucking everybody.
00:20:07
Speaker
There's someone called the elixir sniffing customer. That's what's up. Cute. Yeah, so this is ah this is just past Chris Benoit and definitely post 9-11. Which is funny because on Letterboxd it says never forget, never forgive. Just like 9-11.
00:20:24
Speaker
Wow. It says it. I mean, I'm not making that I will soon never forget this movie, but most times out of the year, I forget 9-11. Yeah. what I mean?
00:20:36
Speaker
Right. Never i can't see 9-11 sitting on my shelf. No, you can't. Yeah, you can't. you can't lets like get world yeah You can't find on four k at Bull Moose. da a course Actually, now you can. World Trade with Cage. Shout Yeah, but honestly, I've seen that movie and they don't show you fucking straight up plane going in a building.
00:20:57
Speaker
Then what the fuck's the point? Is it just the firefighters? Oh, it's literally like, have you seen the movie Barry with, uh, what's his name? Ryan Reynolds. He's like yeah stuck in the coffin. It's that, but they're trapped in a building. and That could have been any movie.
00:21:09
Speaker
Yeah. i mean, it could have any building in York. have any terrorist attack. Right. Yeah. Um. Next. I can't see it. I want to hear I'll believe it.
00:21:22
Speaker
but sir
00:21:28
Speaker
Alright. See, I had a bunch of those jokes loaded and I was like, i'm just not going to say them because I figured figure it was too soon. But I guess it's not. Too soon?
00:21:39
Speaker
Yeah. It's got to come out. It's got to be. Alright, well, here we go with the scene by scene. ah It's good movie. we get you don't like music If you don't like musicals, hear us
Analyzing Sweeney Todd: Scenes and Music
00:21:50
Speaker
out.
00:21:50
Speaker
Which I don't like musicals. I like this movie, so maybe just watch it and shut your fucking mouth. ah you still Have you seen Rocky Horror? No, I actually bought a ticket to see it at AMC and I didn't go.
00:22:01
Speaker
Fuck. Coming out of 4K. Might be your time. ah Get the credits. I didn't really write much for the credits. See some blood running through a bunch of fucking gears, a chair. It looks like absolute fucking shit.
00:22:14
Speaker
It does. I don't know why they didn't CGI. I don't know either. and it's just like... Like, why make this long John Silver opening crate that looks like this? How about you just don't do it?
00:22:27
Speaker
And, like, i'm all I'm all for some grinding of my meat, but that um meat looked real bad. it did. it didn't look like meat. kind of looked like, fuck, I don't even know. Play-Doh? Yeah, I would. Yeah, that's fair. you ever like Yeah, you know those fucking Play-Doh things where you're, like, making the pasta?
00:22:42
Speaker
i didn't have a childhood, so I didn't have those. But, yeah, i know the one you're talking about. Oh, yeah, those. Mm-hmm. ah Non-toxic. Oh, shout out Stephen Sondheim. He's the guy behind the soundtrack for Sweeney Todd.
00:22:56
Speaker
Shout out that guy. The motion picture. um We see a boat approaching London. Boat. And ah I wrote, there's this kid. This Anthony. Anthony's singing... a no place like London was Sweener.
00:23:10
Speaker
And I just want you to know, old place like London. I just want you to know that his name is Sweener the entire time in my notes. So just get used to it as it should be. Um, but why is Sweener singing with a kid? It's kind of weird.
00:23:23
Speaker
Um, We see him get to the dock and then they keep singing this song and the story tells the song tells part of the story about a barber and his wife. The barber was Sweener.
00:23:35
Speaker
who um and We see a flashback of Sweener walking with his wife and he just had a kid. So our pussies popped. It's fucking gonzo because, you know, Johnny Depp was in there. Yeah. And I mean, he needed orgasm only if she could shit in the bed.
00:23:50
Speaker
That's what got him off. Right. as You know, but after he drank a large pint of wine. Right. Yeah. um Fuck you, Amber. There's no. Yeah, exactly. Fuck Aquaman. We sucks.
00:24:05
Speaker
Yeah. they There's another man. This is Judge Turpin, not Judge Turbin. And he just decided... Ow. I like that one.
00:24:16
Speaker
he just He just wants... he wants Sweeney's wife. You know? Oh, she wants my Sweeney's. She wants my Painter. Um...
00:24:28
Speaker
So... Howdy. Bring me the boy. She... i So he just... He's a judge. So he just has Sweeney removed from like society. He didn't go to jail. He like got like exiled.
00:24:44
Speaker
Exiled. Like Jack. But like... ah yeah This is fucking... Same person. This movie is basically Pirates of the Caribbean and Edward Scissorhands if they had a baby. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever seen Sweeney Todd and Jax in the same place at the same time?
00:25:00
Speaker
I haven't. Same person. Wow. They were both on Exile. ah Anyways, so...
00:25:09
Speaker
We also find out in conversation that Antony was on this boat because he's sailor and he spotted Sweeney floating in the ocean. Yeah. He was like, look, a Sweener. fat and I got a Sweener here. You're not going to stop. We got to save my Sweener. got to save my Sweener.
00:25:31
Speaker
So Sweeney leaves Antony, tells him that he'll be on Fleet Street. Street? If he's looking for him. That's such fire. Fleet Street? yeah Yeah. We need a ski mask remix. Yo. Find a mother plug with Fleet Street.
00:25:48
Speaker
there was some There was some ski sound effect I thought about getting. can't remember what it is. But while was watching, I was like, yeah. um and then There's a line in this movie that I quote to myself all the time. It might be the same one that I laughed at today.
00:26:01
Speaker
I don't quote it to myself, but I might start doing it. ah He pulls up to Mrs. Lovett's – or is it it's Miss, not Mrs., right? She's a Miss. I think it's Didn't she have like a husband, but he fucking died? That big fat ball hair?
00:26:17
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's Mrs. Lovett's meat pie shop. Come be your fucking meat pied. um And he... you I'm about to fucking wreck
00:26:30
Speaker
What you saying? got to use a T, bro, not a What the fuck? Yo! What the fuck did I just say?
00:26:40
Speaker
Yo, he said... Is that illegal? Hold on. I definitely can't say that. What about that record? What?
00:26:51
Speaker
Wow. All right. Hold on. All right. Yeah, just censor it. I don't know. Okay.
Sweeney Todd's Character Deep Dive
00:26:58
Speaker
We're just going to censor that. I don't know what you said. don't know. This happens a lot now.
00:27:02
Speaker
um So he meets Mrs. Lovett, and you get the song, The the Worst Pies in London. ah You see Sweeney spit out her meat pie. And there's ah cockroaches crawling everywhere. This place is a fucking dump.
00:27:18
Speaker
And Lovett offers him a gin. And Sweeney asks about why she won't let anyone rent the room upstairs. And it's because people think it's haunted. It's haunted, mate.
00:27:30
Speaker
Mate. And they keep singing the... I don't know what the song is called, but it's like the barber... barber and his wife the barber and his wife yeah that song um maybe he's poor thing this one i don't know but anyways they sing this song and you're like yeah that's gay and then i'm just kidding i'm just kidding it's not it's not bad it's not it's not a bad song but they have good voices who knew that johnny depp could sing i did google they all sang they're at their songs i was suspect
00:28:02
Speaker
um And then we hear more of this song and we find out that this ah Judge Turpin would send a fucking Sweeney's wife flowers every day after he fucking exiled Sweeney.
00:28:16
Speaker
And one night he requested Beetle, a.k.a. Peter Pettigrew, to bring fucking... Bring the But a wife this time yeah to his fucking house. And when she opens the door, there's a massive party going on that's like ah a masquerade almost. They're all wearing masks. And he's wearing that fucking mask with Poughkeepsie tapes.
00:28:40
Speaker
He really is, though. And then, i mean, I wanted to ask you, they drug her? She gets fucking raped right in the middle of this party. And and well I would imagine drugged, Because she's laying there taking it. I mean, she got roofied and then just fucking raped in front of everybody. And everybody's like, woo!
00:28:59
Speaker
Standing ovation for rape. That's crazy. Yeah, don't put that don't put that in the intro. hu Can you imagine? She didn't like that, dude. It's just like standing ovation for rape. Yeah. Am I right? I right, guys? What the fuck are you talking about?
00:29:15
Speaker
Um... no So... She gets raped, and I'll laugh at her, and then Sweeney loses his shit, and, Lovett puts together, he's actually Benjamin Baca.
00:29:28
Speaker
It's you. she tells him that Lucy, his wife, she poisoned herself and died. Keep that back of your head. And, um... Turpin's basically like, well, I can't have the pussy, I'm going keep the offspring of the pussy.
00:29:43
Speaker
That's so I can fuck the pussy of the offspring later. Which is not even far-fetched to say. His daughter, Joanna, and she's been with him for 15 years. What?
00:29:57
Speaker
I just thought, what the fuck? I wrote, Barker is dead, but he's Todd. Sweet or Todd.
00:30:13
Speaker
ah Just just picture like Sweetie Todd walking out like the James Bond. Yeah, exactly. I'm Todd. Sweetie Todd. want to see my peener? I forgot because she calls him Benjamin Barker. He's like, he's dead. He just goes, he gets very dramatic.
00:30:29
Speaker
Sweetie is taking to that haunted room upstairs. And what is his connection to this fucking room? Did he used to? i'm pretty sure this was his barbershop. and then But it has like the cradle in it too.
00:30:41
Speaker
With the little doll. It's like nursery. Yeah. For Joanna. Yeah. And Lovett pulls up a floorboard and gives him his his razor. She saved them for him.
00:30:52
Speaker
That's fucking creepy. Yeah. um And then Sweener starts singing to his razors. It's just what it is. And Mrs. Lovett finally admits, I sliced my pussy with your razor.
00:31:07
Speaker
ah she doesn't sound it I cut my clit off. yeah They couldn't find it anyway. like spray and I put it in a meat pie. Call that a clit pie. the Yeah, exactly.
00:31:22
Speaker
Uh, but essentially this, like, they like do wet a song and swingers, like essentially saying he wants to get his fucking revenge and love. It's like, Hey, chill out. Hey, I want fuck you. Hey, like chill out, man.
00:31:34
Speaker
Like, like Scoob relax. He's a demon barber. ah Um, next scene is Anthony. He's just standing outside the window of, uh, Sweener's daughter, AKA Joanna.
00:31:49
Speaker
And, uh, She's just sitting in her own tits parked, and she's just plump, fucking fat, milky tits just in your face. And then just singing at this fucking bird. She's like fucking Fiona in Shrek, but not as iconic.
00:32:03
Speaker
And the birds don't explode because this bitch has a good voice. Yeah. ah And Turpin is like spying her through a little peephole. He's like fucking like fucking jerking it on the other side of the door.
00:32:15
Speaker
He's got a glory hole, but he's just like watching it through. Yeah. He's just like, fuck i mean, she's just sitting there like, like this, just kind of like fucking cans, like a that door. And he's just sitting there like just look like this is basically porn for him.
00:32:27
Speaker
Right. We're not saying it's right. We're just telling you what happens. It's definitely not right because she's 15. Yeah. He doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, but don't worry. You don't see Turpin's Nagini. It's... No. That'd be fire, though. Yeah, if you saw his fucking snake come out. Yeah. You think he's clipped or not clipped?
00:32:42
Speaker
I feel like he's got a fucking full hood in that dick. I'll be honest with you. Alan Rickman or the judge? Either.
00:32:52
Speaker
The judge sure, actually. I'll say the judge definitely got a fucking hood in his cock. Yeah, at I don't know circumcisions are big in Britain. Sure. Plus, he's old, so probably not, right? And I just feel like that shit just, like, fucking overgrew his peace.
00:33:07
Speaker
Probably. um Do you want to see my fucking stump? well Who's fucking hick?
00:33:17
Speaker
The top of my cock head kind of looks like a watering hose. yeah Twist it and I got a bunch of different settings. Mist. Spray.
00:33:28
Speaker
shit
00:33:32
Speaker
ah Uh, she, this fucking Johanna, their fucking perky tits just smiles at Anthony. And then we're from like Anthony's PO babies. He sees her run off away from the window. Um, and Anthony asks this homeless woman who she is. That's Johanna. And we find out that Turpin keeps her locked up.
00:33:52
Speaker
And then we get the eyes and fresh. We get the Johanna, the I feel you, Johanna. You don't feel shit, bro. Yeah, but then you're straight up like, I'll steal you. Like, yeah yo, this yeah this guy's a little fucking, you know? little crazy for her. he like so A little. Like, you're no better than this guy.
00:34:12
Speaker
Yeah, but if you saw those knockers and you were like closer to her age, you'd be like, yeah, i want to fuck that. Consensually. because Right. Because, you know, the judge ain't doing it consensually. But she's smiling at him, so it's not as bad.
00:34:23
Speaker
That's true. um what if What if fucking Sweeney Todd just accidentally fucked her? He didn't know it was his daughter? that's I mean, that's that sounds like the Oedipus fucking thing, but like not Oedipus.
00:34:39
Speaker
Turpin welcomes ah Antony into the big fucking mansion he's got, and Turpin's like, yeah, i got lost. Um, and then Turpin tells Antony he knows that he was looking at Johanna and he says, if you come back here again, you'll rue the day. You'll rue the day, mate.
00:34:55
Speaker
Oi, bruv, I've sent the dementors on you. ah you do not want to face the powers of the Dark Lord. ah Beetle escorts him out and he beats the shit out of him with his fucking cane that, like, uh, what's the word? Lucius Malfoy had.
00:35:14
Speaker
Sure. oh it extends. extends and retracts. Yeah. There you go. I'm going to fuck Mahoma and Yoinman like this. yeah peace e go he but Straight Mahoma and Yoinman over here.
00:35:27
Speaker
He beats Shev, but he still gets up singing that he feels Yo-Hana. So there's that. i feel you
00:35:39
Speaker
Just like Augusta when he fucking took off. Have you ever been so horny that even Augusta Wynn could like make you cum? i don't i not and I don't think so.
00:35:50
Speaker
No, right? Not me. I've been like bighorn recently, right? Yeah. Because I'm like completely out of my medication. Are you sitting on bedpost?
00:36:02
Speaker
um Potentially. i got I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, so if we have to record Tuesday, I can't. Recording Monday morning. i remember, in case you had to cancel that. It's him.
00:36:16
Speaker
Oh, there's something else about you being horny. But anyways. Well, yeah. oh Horny because I don't have any any medication. yeah you need to get it out. So like, yeah, I'm like, I want to kill myself, but I'm horny. So it's like, you know, yin and yang, right? yeah Like I need to milk myself now.
00:36:31
Speaker
Right. yeah So I'm about to fuck a sink like Harry. That's exactly right. ah We cut to Lovett and Sweener. They're visiting, they're like in the town square seeing the self-proclaimed best barber in London. This is Adolfo Pirelli.
00:36:46
Speaker
And Sweeney sees Beatle and he wants to fucking, and he's like got his fucking knife out, his razor. And Lovett's like, no, don't. Let's not do it here, love.
00:36:58
Speaker
And then there's this kid, Toby, who comes out and he starts singing the Pirelli Miracle Elixir. Oh, this guy's name is Adolfo. Is that just Adolf in Italian? Probably.
00:37:13
Speaker
Definitely. This guy is Hitler. Fuck. He gets murdered though. That's good. That is good. This kid starts dumping this miracle elixir on these fucking ball heads. And Lovett and Sweeney say it smells like piss.
00:37:27
Speaker
um This is when Pirelli comes out of his little tent. The line I quote all the time to myself. I'm just like, this is piss. Yeah. i don't know why. ah Pirelli comes out and he's like, who's talking piss about my elixir?
00:37:44
Speaker
And Swimmer's like, yeah, it was me. And he's like, this is piss and ink. And he makes him a bet that he can do a better shave than he can. And he says he can accept the challenge or reveal himself as a sham.
00:37:56
Speaker
Because he knows that fucking, this dude's a fucking faker. He's like Nigel Wes Dickens from Red Dead Redemption 1. i That's a deep cut for me. i don't know you're talking about. Snake oil salesman.
00:38:11
Speaker
Uh... Beetle's going to judge. And we see – this was fucking intense. Perala's, like, strapping his razor, and, it like, every time it's cutting Toby's finger.
00:38:22
Speaker
Yeah. And he sings that song, Shave a Deface. like That's what I wrote. shave and the the this The subtitle said Shave, space, A, space, D, A, space, face.
00:38:35
Speaker
Shave a Deface. I actually had the subtitles on for this movie. not um you know. You never see those. You never see those in my house. No subtitles. Yeah, I don't know what name... Oh, it's probably... I had to crank my fucking hog to hear anything, because my AC was on, so... Subtitle's on. You were fucking strapping your razor.
00:38:58
Speaker
Yeah, I was. Every every stroke. off off Ah! Ah! Ah! It burns, but I love it Blood! Yeah! Yeah. um So, he's...
00:39:13
Speaker
He's like, he already, Perali's already put some some of his fucking cream on this guy's face and he's already like shaved. Yeah, he is. i mean And Sweeney hasn't even started giving his guy a facial yet. Like, he's behind.
00:39:26
Speaker
He's still stroking his shit, getting ready. He's getting ready, yeah. um And then Perali, during this like song, hits a high note and like while he's holding this high note out, Sweeney finishes all over this guy's face and, uh,
00:39:42
Speaker
Beetle says that he wins to the competition. And DeSweener wins. And Lovett says she feels bad for that boy. And then a random guy walks up to Sweener and asks if he has his own establishment to which Lovett's like, yeah, it's on Fleet Street.
00:39:58
Speaker
It's on Fleet Street 8. hey ah And then Sweeney goes and talks to Beale and kind of sucks his cock a little bit.
00:40:09
Speaker
um I mean, you got to suck the beetle off. You got suck him off, right? You got to suck the beetle off to get his juice. Call that beetle juice. Hey, look at that. ah And then... Yeah, but this guy's the definition of a fucking dung beetle.
00:40:23
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Sucking his shit out. Ha. I don't know. Ha.
00:40:32
Speaker
What? Dude, this guy's a piece, too. what Where are all these people living? I never see these people. You just got to stay posted outside your window. Hey, girl. I live right up there. no what's are You on Bumble, girl, or what?
00:40:44
Speaker
See that fucking window? Yeah, that's mine. Mine. No big deal. That's where I record my podcast, you know? Yeah. you guys want stream, maybe you heard of it. We actually have a sponsor, Jackson Behavioral Health.
00:40:56
Speaker
It's true. What's up? Yeah, what's up? We care about mental health that in this podcast. um So anyways, Beal's like, I'll going to get a shade by the end of the week.
00:41:08
Speaker
And we cut to Turpin, who's spying on Johanna. And Johanna sees Anthony outside, who was told not come back, but he's already back. And she throws a key out to him. And she's just leaning out the window like this. Just fucking tits. Just out. Tits out. Like she could just start pouring milk in any second. She could literally just start fucking breastfeeding several babies.
00:41:30
Speaker
please so yeah Yeah. Here's the thing, right? If if the if the window's not locked... She can just fucking she just run.
00:41:40
Speaker
yeah You might break your ankle, but... Nah, your tits would cushion your fall. got such Oh, yeah just lynches yeah, just like belly flop first. I would say the biggest challenge, like besides getting over the fact that you to throw yourself out of a window, which is, you know, that's not that hard, getting the corset off. It's probably not easy.
00:41:57
Speaker
Right. Maybe she likes it, though. Like, release your fucking milkers out. Like a life vest. Man. You know what I mean? wow youre Right. She could float. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck a life preserver. I got a tit preserver. Exactly. I'm just saying this actress who's of age has nice fucking milkers. That's I'm saying.
00:42:14
Speaker
That's true. But then again... They push everything up, right? Kind of like push-up bras, so they could be like a little... yeah They could be like flat as shit, but... Well, daddy likey, so it's just what it is. Just only wear that.
00:42:26
Speaker
Yeah, her fake daddy also likey. It's true. Perfect. I'm also her fake daddy, I guess. I'm not even her daddy at all. You can be if you adopt her. Yeah. Then it's illegal. like I think.
00:42:40
Speaker
So Terpen sees Johanna throwing her throwing fucking Antony her key. Throwing her fucking ass back out this window. Yeah, yeah she's like yeah shaking that shit, doing the Harlem shake out the window.
00:42:52
Speaker
Was the Harlem shake a twerk dance? It could have been if you wanted it to have been whatever you wanted. That's fair. We cut to Sweener, who's mad that Beatle has not come to visit yet. And Lovett's like, it's only Tuesday. These fucking Brits. They say Tuesday.
00:43:09
Speaker
Why is there a CH in front of it? Tuesday, because we don't like the Jews today. That's fair. um ah We love the Jews at this podcast. We do.
00:43:23
Speaker
I can't speak for Helena Big Knockers, but... right does She starts singing a song about taking it slow. Something like that. and then yeah She likes to like real fucking tease it. You know what mean? Yeah. Yeah.
00:43:37
Speaker
And, uh, Anthony enters and asking, he's asking Sweeney for help to free Joanna. And, uh, like, ah like fucking Terminator. Johanna.
00:43:50
Speaker
Uh, I have her. He's like, going go freer tonight. Can I keep her here for an hour or cool an hour or two? And he's like, yeah, sure. um Then they see Pirelli approaching the barbershop um and Lovett goes down to greet them and brings Toby inside the the meat pie shop for meat pie.
00:44:11
Speaker
Pirelli goes upstairs and Pirelli's not out. So Pirelli's been like this fucking Italian like shave a face. But he's not. Yeah. Yeah. He's actually this guy named Davey Collins. He's a Brit.
00:44:26
Speaker
And he knows that he's Benjamin Baca. And he's blackmailing him for half of his earnings. I remember when I was in your barbershop back in the day and you just fucked me right there in the corner. yeah I remember when you make me sit on the broom. Yeah, he used to have me sweep up the hair and then stick it in my pee hole.
00:44:48
Speaker
What? Oh, she came back with a fucking McDonald's and a milkshake. I want to see your actual milkshake, girl. Shit. So.
00:45:01
Speaker
remember me get. Something about hair in your pee hole. I remember what you made me get. I'm on fours and bark at you. Get it? Benjamin Barker.
00:45:14
Speaker
almost called him Bob Barker. Bob Barker. yeah If you fucking get a question wrong, you just fucking slit your throat. Yeah. Wrong, mate. right.
00:45:25
Speaker
You're fucking wrong. You thought this fucking can of beans cost $4.99. Are you out of your fucking mind? Yeah. Incorrect. it's Punishment.
00:45:37
Speaker
Slit. excuse You guessed the incorrect number of pounds. going to take a fucking pounding. what fucking talking about, bruv. I've been like out like fucking turbans. I've been sparing the rod.
00:45:50
Speaker
No more. You're fucking taking rod. My rod is firm, hard, and covered.
00:46:01
Speaker
Yeah. um You know, Pirelli, this fucking Pirelli guy told me if I throw this on my fucking Johnson, it'll grow bigger. Yeah. Can you imagine they try to use Miracle Elixir to get more people? Like, why would you even want that?
00:46:15
Speaker
I don't know. Yo, if people go bald, right? All head. You think they lose it there too? No. Why do they have it on their face still? It's true. The only good thing about getting chemo is you lose your pubes. You don't to shave them.
00:46:30
Speaker
It's hard to argue with that. You know what I mean? Are you like completely hairless? Everywhere it's gone? You lose all your hair, dude. I should call my sister and ask her.
00:46:42
Speaker
um I rub my mom's bald head.
00:46:47
Speaker
I did.
00:46:53
Speaker
What? You're gonna
00:47:00
Speaker
be alright, Mom. It's only Tuesday, but everything's gonna be alright. Don't worry, come Friday. Yeah. We'll be good to go.
00:47:11
Speaker
Mom, let me get a go with that tit. The one. Just the one. It's a milk, mom. botched. Yeah, I'm 27. I don't give a fuck.
00:47:25
Speaker
All right. I think they only have breast milk when they're like preggers, right? I don't know. I don't know how it works. don't know why, but... okay So we were talking about Davey Ryan fucking Swiener's broom. Something like some that. for Somehow. Yeah. And then in response, Swiener just beats fucking his head in with a tea kettle.
00:47:50
Speaker
I'm a slice of the face. Yeah. um We see Toby down through the Lovett and his golden locks is a fucking wig.
00:48:01
Speaker
And Lovett asked how he met Pirelli and probably took him as a baby from the workshops. um and i was over in Vietnam, mom.
00:48:15
Speaker
In the sweatshops. And then he's like, oh, fuck Pirelli. And he wants to go upstairs to remind me he has an appointment. And he runs upstairs and Sweeney has already cleaned up the bloody mess.
00:48:28
Speaker
Uh, so he tells, Toby that he has to go take, uh, he's been called away Pirelli and he's like you better run after. and Toby says that he better stay. He'll get lashed like Brian.
00:48:42
Speaker
Yeah. Uh, you know, they had those fucking real leather belts back then. Yeah, they did. God damn. Yeah. Yeah. Whipping people. Uh,
00:48:56
Speaker
So Toby sits on this chest that we find out Sweeney put Pirelli's body in and his hand's sticking out. And we see his hand kind of just tingle a little bit.
00:49:07
Speaker
And he tries to send Toby downstairs for a meat pie. And he goes, so go get some gin. So Toby leaves and he opens the chest and Pirelli slowly gets up. and we see Sweeney slit his fucking throat. Slice of the throat.
00:49:22
Speaker
Slice of the throat. I bleed everywhere. We cut to Turpin, who is in court at a hearing. We don't know who it's for yet, but it's ah the second time they've been in court, and he's being sentenced to be hung, and then the camera turns, and it's a little fucking kid.
00:49:42
Speaker
Fucking kill him. Who gives a fuck? He's going to die the plague in a couple years anyway, right? That's valid, actually. Yeah. After the court hearing, Turpin tells Beetle that he's going to marry Joanna to prevent anybody else's fucking dirty hands from touching her.
00:49:58
Speaker
No one shall touch her. She's fine. If you're Turpin, you're like, that pussy's tight right now. Right. I got to use it and abuse it while I can. Look, she's more of a piece than Ginny Weasley, right?
00:50:12
Speaker
i feel i feel like if she i feel like if she was in the world of Hogwarts, she'd be getting fucking rinsed out. Like Ginny Weasley would be out of business. Most likely. Ginny, we were hoping just for like the fucking cucks and the incels who were like too scared to talk to actual women. So us.
00:50:28
Speaker
Which is kind of crazy. Ginny was getting passed around and Hermione probably hotter. Yeah, Hermione is hotter. I don't think it probably. She is hotter. yeah So I don't know why they just went for her. Hermione or this fucking girl.
00:50:43
Speaker
This chick, for sure. i Okay, her Luna Lovegood. For you, it's way harder than me. I don't i don't think it's a question. I like the freaks. They look kind of similar. This one seems too, like, Barbie-ish.
00:50:58
Speaker
I'm a Barbie girl. So I'm fucking Luna, because she's raw-dogging it. Yeah, she's raw-daisy. Her dad's a fucking hippie. Yeah. um I'll make her see my fucking Snurgle. You know what i mean?
00:51:12
Speaker
It's a nargle. oh Nervle. yeah ah So, Lovett comes upstairs to ask Sweener when Pirelli's coming back, and then she realizes that Sweener killed him.
00:51:25
Speaker
He's fucking dead. And at first, she's like appalled, but then she realizes that Sweener tells her that he was going to blackmail Sweener's peener, and that's just not fair. Just can't have that. you gonna paint my dick black with ink. That's what I wrote. So I just, yeah.
00:51:42
Speaker
Where the piss comes out, the ink and piss. Like the magical a elixir. Right. I'm gonna look like a fucking weird octopus. Sweener wants to kill Toby, but Lovett would rather keep him as a helping hand.
00:51:58
Speaker
Sweener sees the judge and Beetle approaching the barbershop, and he tells Lovett to get out. Get out! so it's um And then there's this song about but shaving.
00:52:14
Speaker
ah And then... Shave of the pubes. Shave of the pubes.
00:52:28
Speaker
so ah Turpin tells Swiener that he's gonna marry the girl that came out Swiener's peener.
00:52:40
Speaker
um just made that up, actually. um No, but Sweeney wants... So Turpin wants Sweeney's penis seed. And Sweeney asks if she's as pretty as her mother. And Turpin's like, huh? And he's like, oh, don't worry about it.
00:52:56
Speaker
Hey, bruv, I want your Sweeney Weenie goo. Yeah, he does. yeah They start singing this song, Pretty Women. Um... And he's about to fucking swing up with a slit fucking Turbin's throat. And then Anthony runs in blabbing on about Joanna.
00:53:15
Speaker
And Turbin is pissed because he doesn't want to see this motherfucker. And he storms out. And then ah
00:53:24
Speaker
we have another song, a musical piece with Lovett and ah fucking Skinner. And it's something about how they all deserve to die.
00:53:35
Speaker
And then it kind of bleeds into, no pun intended, bleeds into Sweeney running it around the streets asking randoms for a shave. ah And, know, he just wants to murder fucking Turban. So he's going to practice on less honorable throats because for some reason you practice like this.
00:53:55
Speaker
But you're right. I mean, you did it once like, you know, 20 minutes ago. Yeah. So it's like not a big deal. then, the next scene, love it, uh, asked what they're going to do with Pirelli's body.
00:54:07
Speaker
And, uh, you go downstairs and find Toby with a bottle of gin. Um, Sweeney suggests burying Pirelli. They start singing about something. And I don't know what the song is called, but the message of it is like, hey, we should like to start grinding these humans up and like... Start naming them after what they were. Eating them? Here, do you want to try the priest? Yeah.
00:54:32
Speaker
ah I guess... i know I honestly have no idea which song this is, but... Oh, a Little Priest, probably? a Little Priest. Yeah. Yeah, Little Priest, it is. What the fuck are we going to do? We're going fucking eat his Little Priest. My, it's Piece. Yeah. Little Piece. Yeah. Go eat that Priest's Little Piece.
00:54:53
Speaker
Um... So, anyways... Oh, dude, they take they take the Priest's Little Piece, and they grind up, make a meat pie out of it, and they feed it to Toby, and Toby goes, Tastes Familiar! Ugh!
00:55:05
Speaker
That will... This... I got it. This one tastes lean. Is he black? oh This one tastes starved. us Is this Marvin from Starving Marvin's Emporium?
00:55:22
Speaker
ah So, yeah, they debate, you know, killing the priest, the poet, the lawyer. We cut to Johanna packing her shit because she's going to escape with Antony. And then Turpin enters and tells her they're moving her to a different place so she can think on her sins.
00:55:37
Speaker
And Beal drags her out into this carriage and Anthony runs after her and demands... The only one that's sinning is you for trying to fuck this underage girl. That's fact. um And he tries to ask Turbin where they're taking her, but Turbin's like, what are you going kill me? What?
00:55:53
Speaker
Yeah. ah We cut to Sweener who's assembling this chair contraption that essentially when you slice their fucking throats, you can just push this little pedal and the chair declines, reclines. I wrote Sweenus Riggs chair with door.
00:56:11
Speaker
Yes.
00:56:14
Speaker
ah We cut to this kind of went on a little bit too long for me, but we cut to Anthony walking down this empty street singing that he feels Yolanda. And ah we see a montage between him walking down the street looking all sad and Sweenor just slicing throat after throat.
00:56:32
Speaker
My favorite one was towards the end of it where like, do you know how like the rock had that thing where he'd punch him and go and just fucking punch him? He'd take the razor and just fucking slice him. Like the fucking people's razor.
00:56:44
Speaker
but ah i should just crack the most electrifying razor in all of barbershops. Yep. And it's going right for your fucking throat. ah The homeless woman ah sees the smoke coming out of the meat pie emporium and says there's evil.
00:57:02
Speaker
That's the bottom line because Sweeney's wiener said so. said stuff um And during the song, Anthony finds where they're keeping Johanna.
Key Scenes and Themes
00:57:14
Speaker
And the song ends. And we're at we see a sign for Lovett's Meat Pie Shop Grand reopening. Hell yeah, brother. Let me get up in that fucking pie. Yeah.
00:57:24
Speaker
And Toby comes out, starts singing about fucking meat pies. Didn't the rock call it like poontang pie? I don't know what that is, but possibly. Pretty sure that's what he said. ah And it's like the same kind of tune, but different words from the beginning when he comes out to introduce Pirelli. Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies.
00:57:44
Speaker
Yes. i was trying to think of more of a lyrics than I can't. um we see So he's singing for a while, and we see them throw the old lady out twice. We cut to Sweeney and Lovett are at a picnic.
00:57:58
Speaker
um but I honestly did not remember this scene at all, like even happening in the movie. This scene just just took kind of like takes you out of the vibe. Autocorrected Sweener to Sweeper.
00:58:10
Speaker
you know Sweeper. Sweener is just focused on killing the judge, not really listening to Love It, and she starts kissing his wiener, not his wiener. It's a fucking... Fucking give it a fucking gawk right for a Toby. The gawk is crazy.
00:58:29
Speaker
Uh... Oi, feel free, bruv. Join Get the balls.
00:58:37
Speaker
He's like, bruv, who shaved your balls?
00:58:43
Speaker
Oh my god. That's bad. um She wants to... It's a song about her wanting to get married somewhere by the sea. Honestly, she didn't really care about this part at all. It literally kind of looked like a fucking scene from Edward Sissy.
00:58:57
Speaker
It did. Big Edward Sissy vibes. Same director, same actor. Who knew? We cut to Lovett who's bringing Sweeney some food and she asked what Lucy looked like and she had yellow hair.
00:59:10
Speaker
And Lovett tries to convince Sweeney that Lucy is gone and they can start a new life together. Fucking dead, bro. Relax. Then Anthony comes in and ah he says she's locked locked up in an asylum and in the fucking loony bin.
00:59:27
Speaker
Frog's Asylum and Sweeney's plan is to send Anthony up there as a wig maker apprentice. And he think he he has little wig makers for like people's fucking snatch.
00:59:39
Speaker
Probably. Yeah. Hey, bro, I got cancer, but my boy loves pubes. I need some. I need you to fix me up something real good. Yeah. Give me a nice little fupa hat. You know what I mean? exactly Yeah, exactly.
00:59:54
Speaker
That's what I'm fucking talking about. Sweeney sends Toby to find Turpin and to hand him this letter. um And I'm guessing the letter is like, if you want to know where a fucking homegirl is, come to the barbershop.
01:00:07
Speaker
prop Yeah, like some ransom note. But you're kidnapping your own daughter back, so is that kidnapping? Well, as of right now, Turpin doesn't know that Sweeney is Barker.
01:00:21
Speaker
Right, but if you are Sweener. You just think Sweener is Sweener, and then once he sees Sweener's peen, he's like, that's fucking not Sweener, that's Barker. I've seen that when I was cuck-holding his wife. Exactly. I was fucking Sweener, and his wife was in the cup chair. Yeah, exactly.
01:00:37
Speaker
i put my fucking piece and was like, someone's been in here before. but We're back, you sexy fucks. I had to take several phone calls. And a shit. but you'll never know, because it'll be... It'll just be a little swoosh cut.
01:00:50
Speaker
Yeah. Toby walks into the Meat Pie Emporium after delivering that letter to ah Snape. I know it's not Snape. Ow! Ow!
01:01:05
Speaker
Lovett's laying there asleep and she wakes up and he says that he walked by the workshop today. He's grateful for them taking him in. um And then he starts singing this song about he'd kill anyone that tries to hurt her. Fucking dumb.
01:01:19
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, basically he's like, I want your fucking titters. Let me get those. eating I'm guessing this is the not while I'm around song. And then...
01:01:33
Speaker
He sings this fucking song and Lovett goes to give Toby a penny. And ah he notices that she's using Mr. Pirelli's purse and he wants to go to the police, a.k.a.
01:01:45
Speaker
Beetle. And now Lovett's like now. And she takes Toby downstairs to show him how to how they make the pies, how they fucking grind the sausage. You know i mean?
01:01:57
Speaker
You ever want to get fucking stuffed in a pie? you ever want to see a real cream pie, boy? so she shows him the oven and the grinder and says she's going upstairs for a minute and she essentially just locks him down there. This is honestly the like the third act is fucking great.
01:02:12
Speaker
I love the third act. Honestly, yes, you can get fucked quick, sir. That's pretty good on the fly. ah We cut to Antony, who's at the fucking loony bin.
01:02:23
Speaker
And he's being shown all the blondes. And he finds Johanna. And as soon as he gets her in his fucking grasp, he pulls his fucking piece out. He's like, hey, get back.
01:02:35
Speaker
I'll fucking shoot you. I'm a bad boy. want fucking Tuesday? ain't even getting to Friday. Avada Kedavra. You know what I mean? Yeah.
01:02:48
Speaker
um Yeah, Tupac hasn't had that fucking Expelliarmus fucking. know what mean? Yeah. going to disarm your cock off you. yeah Call that a transgender. You're getting decocked.
01:03:03
Speaker
So he fucking leaves and all the blondes in this fucking ward attack Mr. Fogg. And Lovett tells Sweener about Toby, how she locked him in the fucking basement. He's kind of like Harry, but he's got more room to wander. And if he really wanted to, he could kill himself down there. That'd be a right good show.
01:03:29
Speaker
You're foul right, Gint. ah Off with your head. Both of them. Yeah. Both of them. Bruv. They run into Beetle, and he's there because of the complaints about the smell.
01:03:45
Speaker
ah yo, you gotta fucking close your cunt. Smelling up to London here. And he wants to see the baked shop, and Sweener offers him a shave, and he's like, no. No.
01:03:57
Speaker
no No, no, no. No. and so Then he offers them a ah more appropriate fragrance for an upstanding German-like fucking beetle.
01:04:11
Speaker
AKA, you want me to piss on you? Sure. Whatever gets you off. Piss shit, cunt. It's my new concoction. Piss shit, cunt. Ink. They love ink. Ink.
01:04:24
Speaker
Ink!
01:04:27
Speaker
Uh... i This fucked up. It just says cut Toothy eating a pie. It's Toby, not Toothy. to Toothy getting right up in that fucking pie of Mrs. Lovett.
01:04:39
Speaker
yeah And he's fucking loving it. Yeah. He has right Brit box.
01:04:50
Speaker
And he finds a finger in it. He's like, it's a finger, isn't It's finger.
01:04:56
Speaker
fucking finger, isn't it? ah And then he sees me shoot. At that that point, he starts looking around and goes, there's a whole fucking skeleton in the corner. There's skeletons in the closet.
01:05:09
Speaker
He pulls a fucking hand out of the grinder Yeah, but he's not even like worried. like Why are you touching that? don't need to touch that. And that fucking hand looks like JPP's hand after the 4th of July. You what I mean? That's fucking true. It did.
01:05:21
Speaker
ah And then how he finds and he as he finds his hand, Beal's body drops. and He's fucking scalped. Yeah, is. He went, you dick. That's kind of violent. like When they fall back, they just kind of like snap their fucking necks on the ground. They ragdoll it.
01:05:37
Speaker
uh love it and swiener go downstairs looking for toby they go into the sewers um and i wrote that swiener's got his peener at the ready it's uh it's his razor yeah uh anthony and joanna arrive at the barbershop and anthony says he's gonna leave her there to go go go get a coach but he looks like she looks like a dude I mean, button from Dark Knight. Strapped like a dyke.
01:06:06
Speaker
ah um Then we got Johanna looking at Sweeney's razors um when the homeless woman walks in and Johanna hides in the chest.
01:06:17
Speaker
And Sweeney comes back he's like, who are you? are you. are you. Shout to Lil Xan, are you dead yet? Unfortunately, I think he's still alive. He just... I think he puts the Xans though, but his name's still Lil Xan. I guess it can't be Lil Stop Xan.
01:06:35
Speaker
Yeah, it can't be. Lil 86 Xan. Yeah. ah And he's like, who are you? And then he fucking slices her throat. and it doesn't matter. matter.
01:06:47
Speaker
Turpin walks in asking where Johanna is and Sweeney says that she's downstairs and that she's had an epiphany and she's down to fuck again.
Discussion on Hygiene, Evolution, and Movie Scenes
01:06:55
Speaker
She wants to fucking keep her asshole open for this man.
01:06:58
Speaker
She's giving her We got her in the fucking gyno chair giving her a one over and so you don't get any fucking diseases. Yeah, we don't know what that fucking piece looks like. That piece might be fucking disgusting. Nah, he's rich, right? He's a judge.
01:07:10
Speaker
I just don't know how much hygiene they had. That's my concern. That's my concern. Should we call Jake and ask about the corset for the little girl's tits?
01:07:24
Speaker
It's three o'clock now. It's three o'clock in the afternoon. Put my key in the door.
01:07:33
Speaker
Pussy hairs lying over the floor and I guess I must have shaved them. Shaved.
01:07:45
Speaker
call has been forwarded to voicemail. The person you're trying... Hey, Jake, fuck you. Fuck you, Jake. We had a real important question about medieval tits. Well, my study is actually American history, um so I don't know. They had corsets over a here, bruv. You know why? Because the Americans came from over there.
01:08:06
Speaker
so we all We all came from the fucking butt crack of Africa. Chimps? That's where they say man started in Africa. I've seen the little fucking drawings. Yeah, have you?
01:08:18
Speaker
What, evolution drawings? No.
01:08:25
Speaker
Yeah. Just like those fucking, those paintings and that picture of...
01:08:33
Speaker
This is our history. yeah just as my king yeah like
01:08:45
Speaker
fuck that guy um alright so the next one the next scene the next scene scene and caught no like caught your fucking your hood off It's already off. You can't take any more.
01:09:10
Speaker
Harry, stop with the sink. Okay, so we know yeah Sweener offers to give a fucking Turbin a shave.
01:09:21
Speaker
And they start singing Pretty Women again. And then you get the reveal that's tip of Sweener to Turbin. Sweener's revealing his peener. He's truly Benjamin Baca.
01:09:33
Speaker
I'm Benjamin. do order And he stabbed the fucking shit out of him. Yeah, not even slice. Stab. It's practical. yeah How do you stab him with a razor? Just gotta try really hard.
01:09:45
Speaker
and He's gripping it, so he's gonna be bleeding. Yeah, so he fucking stabs him. me He goes, enjoy the virgins! And just sends it He's wearing a turban. And he's like, he goes... more do yeah Yeah.
01:10:03
Speaker
Sends body down the chute. And then Johanna opens the chest door. And Sweeney's like, fancy a shave? Come here, lad. yeah Yeah, exactly. um And he's about to slur her throat when Lovett screams.
01:10:18
Speaker
And Turpin was grabbing onto her fucking lay. And ah she ah fucking... sucks them dry Sweener looks the dead body this homeless woman in the light you know and it's his fucking wife Lucy what that's the wrong one that's our text messages whoops trying to get the notes back up Sweener says that Lovett knew that the lady was alive and Lovett's like well you know she went fucking crazy she might well be dead I just kind of want to suck your piece
01:10:58
Speaker
It's just what it And Sweeney kind of convinces her that he's not mad at her and they dance and then he just chucks in the oven. Yeah, then he fucking Jews her.
01:11:10
Speaker
That's a fact. He did a Jew. And Sweeney holds his dead wife and then Toby comes out of the fucking sewer like Pennywise and he's like, that's fucking not the right noise. Kind of Scooby.
01:11:24
Speaker
Yeah, and he slits fucking Sweener's penis, and it's just bleeding all over fucking Lucy's face. i like when my penis bleeds. And you just see him just fucking draining blood all over Lucy's fucking face, and then the movie just kind of ends right there.
01:11:40
Speaker
Yeah, dude.
Villain Analysis and Relationship Humor
01:11:43
Speaker
So really, who's the villain here? I'd say it's Mrs. Lovett. I mean, the homeless lady was saying from the beginning that she's the fucking devil.
01:11:53
Speaker
True. And if if she was just like, hey, that's your bitch over there, you know? Hey, go get your bitch in line. She's fucking shitting on my sidewalk.
01:12:04
Speaker
I don't know. I feel like... theyre a little little more i feel like the... If you're one the actual villains... is Turpin because Turpin set all the actions in motion. The same way that Turpin set all the actions in motion after they fucking attack the towers. Never forget.
01:12:22
Speaker
That's right. Boom. Never forget. Yeah. i would say I would say it's Turpin. he He pushed the first domino down. He did.
01:12:34
Speaker
So, and he raped that woman into the loony bin. I mean, think about that. that That is true, but we also don't know how long he kept her captive, so he could have, like tortured her. Imagine getting fucked that you're going crazy.
01:12:47
Speaker
That's good dick. That's a good dick, Gian. You fucking going crazy? Yeah. It's like you're sitting down, and it's like, so tell me, Mr. Turbin, why should I open my pusshole for you? And he's like, well, I fucking sent this bitch to fucking Fog's Farm. but
01:13:10
Speaker
and She went to my fucking hog farm. Yeah! just I'm just kidding. Rape is not okay. My fucking dick makes you go retarded. but
01:13:23
Speaker
retarded, dick. You know what yeah but fucking saying My dick's fucking handicapped. You have a go?
01:13:33
Speaker
wanna have a fucking go? I need one of those little fucking blue johns on my mirror. but I hang it from my fucking peanut. I fucking blew John on your mirror. What you talking about? Like they handicap things. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you fucking throw a wheelchair in woods? I like car, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I yeah i know what you mean.
01:13:53
Speaker
I put it on me, so you know I'm fucking retarded. And what are you going to rate this and not Turban's piece? I mean, it's fuck a movie.
01:14:03
Speaker
It's not a five star, but it's damn close. It's four and a half.
01:14:10
Speaker
I'm sticking with a fall. I think like between when fucking Sweenrod is like slicing everybody up in the monster. Sweenrod! don't think what he's doing. Like between is his little montage there to like when...
01:14:29
Speaker
the shit finally starts going down in the end. It drags a little bit. Like we didn't need like that whole Mrs. Lovett in fucking paradise thing. But here's my thing, right? Here's my thing. And I, I agree with you at first. i agree with you, but now I'm like, we kind of did need it because it shows that she's fucking obsessed with him.
01:14:50
Speaker
Yeah. But the problem is that whole part just not very interesting. Yeah. Like show that she's obsessed with him a different way. like she's like fucking rubbing her clit to like a photo of or something. Right. Cause like it's like fucking spraying cooter juice on a picture of him.
01:15:05
Speaker
That's right. Cause they're like that's right. I know that's right. but Shut the yamins. YAMI! Yeah just painted her in more of a delicious light.
01:15:19
Speaker
Delicious. Like her meat pies. So I'm talking talk about. Yeah it's just not quite a five for me either. You know what i mean? It's still a good movie. yeah but Is it my favorite musical?
01:15:32
Speaker
I mean, the top my head, it's my favorite. I do, i mean, i like, we're talking about musicals made into film or like musicals in general. Musicals made into film?
01:15:44
Speaker
Or films that are just straight up musicals? But that doesn't count because then every Disney movie would be a fucking... I mean, this is definitely better than Wonka. I don't like Wonka. I don't like that.
01:15:57
Speaker
I like Willy. like Willy. I fuck with Willy. Yeah, and if you really check that anytime, I'll fucking Wonka on it, you know what I mean? Fucking Wonka Wonka, Pac-Man, that shit. Exactly, just fucking nom-nom-nom on your fucking seed.
01:16:09
Speaker
I like Wizard of Oz. I haven't seen that in a very long time. this is ah This is, I would say for me, the most rewatched musical that out of all of them. For me.
01:16:20
Speaker
I think that's right. I've seen this the most times at any musical. that's the only film then Did I suggest this to you? It's been so long, I have no idea. You could have. um I think the only other two musicals that I think you really need to see are Little Shop of Horrors and Rocky Horror Picture Show.
01:16:42
Speaker
Because we like sweet transvestites. that's I can say that that's a quote from the movie. I'm in for it. I want to fucking see him. I want to sniff my fucking coat.
01:16:53
Speaker
You want Dr. Frankenfurter to fucking stick it up your pooper? I want Frank Henenlata to do it first. oh Yeah, that'd be a hard sell though. Yeah, it would be. He's probably dead. Probably. He made fucking bad movies. Unfortunately, he just made fucking bad movies.
01:17:10
Speaker
Alright, so I guess we should do a plug it should fucking plug it in the sweenus. Plug it in, plug it in. Plug it in the sweenus. It's like you're in class. The sweenus is located. Yeah.
01:17:20
Speaker
So you put the sweenus in the sweener and then you get a fucking penis.
Conclusion and Social Media Plugs
01:17:25
Speaker
Here we see the adult male put his sweener into the sweenus.
01:17:32
Speaker
Well, if you want to follow us after that, follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpiod at gmail.com. Follow us on YouTube, TikTok. Follow individually on fucking Letterboxd.
01:17:49
Speaker
Lock me up. and to Man man. Wife me. We'll go tip for tip. We'll go tip for tip. You need to get wife real quick. Just fucking come in your belly button. That's it. That's all it takes. Five seconds and I'm fucking yours. Fucking milkshake in the belly button hole. You're all sad yeah but
01:18:09
Speaker
set. Yeah. Start shaking that shit. yeah get Send us a voicemail. 508-8. Fist us. 508-8. Dip my tip. Not my. it's Just dip tip. tip Yeah. Dip tip.
01:18:22
Speaker
And then ah go listen to our fucking physical media podcast where we buy where we talk about shit that we buy. Yeah, you want it? It's all physical media. We talked about buying this film together. Yeah, we did. Barnes. Shout out to Barnes. And shout out to Noble. Shout out to Noble. Shout to Jamie Noble. Yeah, yo, Jamie Noble. like Fuck yeah, dude. He's not wrestling anymore, but he's like a backstage guy now. Nah, please You'd fucking bald to tell you that much. Yeah, ball head. Ball head. Bill. put it out
01:18:58
Speaker
I don't think that Helena Rosen Carter Johnson has a big labia. Bonham. Ball head. Ball head Carter. Yeah, I mean, she might be ball head Carter later, but she don't got no fucking. She got. I think she got like a real tight puss. l a She she has two kids with Tim Burton.
01:19:15
Speaker
Oh, so that's just wrecked. You think Tim Burton's fucking packing? Look at the shit he makes. That's what I'm saying. He's little creepy dude. You ever see a picture of him? He looks like a fucking freak.
01:19:29
Speaker
and But that's why all his movies are dark and spooky, right? It's cool, though. He paves his own path just like we are. It's true. Let me get a quote from the email. What's the quote? Let me get the quote real quick. me pull it up. Hold on. I'm pulling it up. little keith and I'm pulling it out. This guy said ah that we're strong potential in the niche.
01:19:47
Speaker
with strong potential in the niche yeah but this is my thing like okay if we get we can end the podcast but like if we get on this fucking call this guy and we're like name one episode we've done and you just can't then what we have 70 something episodes out and he's not able to be like yeah i know what you guys are about yeah then you just hang up give you a ball hair and he just doesn't know be like And you don't have to listen to Dark Knight to know that. You can just fucking listen to... Since we recorded Dark Knight, any of those episodes we fucking mention at least once.
01:20:22
Speaker
Fat pussy dip. Dip? You're dipping the fucking clit you cut off into the fucking dip. yeah Oh, yeah. Fat pussy dip. yeah got fat Yeah, it's like a fupa. all well this is We're going to get the fuck out of here. This is an episode of The Vault. We're going fucking crazy today.
01:20:40
Speaker
It'll fucking come out eventually. Whenever you're hearing in this, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy fucking Hanukkah, Happy fucking Arbor Day. long happy fucking Happy fucking everything. Thanks for... Might be Christmas Wah's birthday.
01:20:50
Speaker
Happy Christmas Wah. Happy Christmas Wah. Might be the fucking next anniversary of 9-11. I mean, it could be anything. Shout out terrorists. Shout out to Osama. Yeah, that's not okay. That's my fucking guy right there. My fucking guy right there. you like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:21:06
Speaker
Yeah, he was like, which way is the sun facing? I'm just going to fucking bow. ah And then I'm going to fucking sit on a carpet because my life but looks just crazy. My fucking carpet? want to just fucking get it muffed. We go. writing mu We fucking go. go.
01:21:33
Speaker
Okay. Alright, well there you go. You got it. Bye. Fuck you, Mark little bitch.
01:21:47
Speaker
ah the fuck go
01:21:57
Speaker
okay all right well there you go you got it did i by fuck you marginal bitch