Transcript
Speaker: I want to football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
Speaker: Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
Speaker: We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
Speaker: I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
Speaker: Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
Speaker: Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
Speaker: want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk?
Speaker: We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
Speaker: Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Speaker: Hello and welcome to episode 116 of the two guys, one screen podcast, the hemorrhoid homies, the fucking retards, apparently. You can't get shit right. It's all right. Yeah. Poetown boys, diarrhea daddies.
Speaker: We're just full blown homos. Beer boys. Yeah. And we've been saying, you know, in the past, we've had some cursed recordings. This recording is already cursed. I mean, this is delayed a day delayed like another hour.
Speaker: Yeah, fine it's just fine. Who knows what's going to happen during the recording? It's just it's what it is. So hopefully we can get through this. It's fine because that's life. That's how life is. Sometimes life just fucking slaps you with its cock.
Speaker: you You can be disappointed, but you can't be mad. Right. right Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah, exactly. you're listening to this, it's May the 4th or May the 5th. One of the two. Haven't decided. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we released last year's though on May the 4th. That was weird because that was a Sunday.
Speaker: But it doesn't matter. Whatever you want to do. May the 5th. All right. Well, it's for Spawn Wars. No, last year we were released it on the 5th because it was Revenge of the 5th.
Speaker: That makes sense. Okay, so it's so we're doing... We don't know yet. were you listening you not what We'll just drop it on the 4th. Okay. Confirmed. this is It's May the 4th, and we're doing Star Wars A New Hope. That's what we're doing.
Speaker: And this is... wow This is what's happening. All right, guys, lock in. Star Wars. This is potentially... It's kind of crazy to say this. This is potentially one of the oldest films we've done.
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, Texas Chainsaw, and like maybe One of the Fridays. Yeah. Uh, no, this was before Chainsaw. This is before
Speaker: Friday. no Chainsaw 74. It is. Oh, 74? Yeah, Chainsaw 74. It's 77. Okay. Because Jaws is 75. I know that for sure.
Speaker: Okay. Friday the 13th, not to 1980. All right, so this is one of the oldest movies we've done. Yeah, period. ah Clonk it. that's fucking cool. um Yeah, so we're doing fucking Star Wars. That's what it is. ah Movie is directed by George Lucas.
Speaker: It's... You ever heard him? It's 121 minutes. George Lucas... He's a decent looking kid, right? He's not bad. now he was born 44? God damn. God damn, he was born during Zerreich.
Speaker: Yeah. yeah Yeah. ah It's not great for him, honestly. I wonder how he feels. At least he didn't have to go.
Speaker: he's and He was an actor in Men in Black. That's kind of crazy. He was an actor in ra Revenge of the Sith. what Who was he?
Speaker: this fucking background is horrid.
Speaker: He's quite deep, right? He's definitely big, deep. Doesn't matter. Uh, here goes your, your cast. Uh, I was born. It came out in 1977. So definitely way before nine 11 and Chris Benoit.
Speaker: Chris Benoit was probably alive though. Chris Benoit probably loved this movie. You probably, you probably saw it like in theaters. Yeah. I mean, this we're talking about like a ah revolution in special effects here.
Speaker: I would agree. But from what I've heard, there's like a lot of different versions of this movie depending on what copy of what you have from what year. Yeah, I mean, it's hard to find one. i just grabbed my tits. It's hard to find one that doesn't have the CGI bullshit in it.
Speaker: Yeah, there's a lot of CGI bullshit in this for sure. That he added in like 04 or some shit. I watched I have a three-pack Blu-ray that's like four, five, and six.
Speaker: feel like you were around when I got it, but I'm not sure. I was around. I was alive, that's for sure. I was around. I meant like in the same area. I watched... ah and to unseal it, but I, I, whenever I, Oh wow. Yeah.
Speaker: I forgot about that. It's a big Yeah. It's like three discs. Crisp. Oh, it's got the, uh, there digi in there. Yeah. You want it? Yeah. me get that. All right. it has like the bonus disc with all like the documentaries and shit. Didn't watch it, but I should We both could have done that and probably benefited from it, but it's what it is.
Speaker: he's anywhere. Hopefully it works. That hopefully will work. We have Mark Hamill as our first cast member. You ever heard of him? Maybe you've heard of him. Pretty legendary voice actor, I'd say. And then he's also in movies too, you know?
Speaker: ah he's He plays Luke Skywalker, if you didn't know. Yeah. So... Hmm, I guess it does make sense. I was thinking about that. I mean, I think I'm throwing it back on Mark regardless, no?
Speaker: There's not many people in this movie that's not getting it thrown back on. i'm Just for clout. Right. The buttons are not working great today. That's good. ah Fuck you, Zencaster. So, my thing is, in this movie particularly, he is kind of fucking annoying.
Speaker: Luke? Yeah, I find him obnoxious in this movie. I think that's the point, though, right? He's not... He's not him yet. He's just a little farmer boy. Yeah, I'm a little farmer boy. My daddy's dead. Yeah. Father's dead.
Speaker: Chilling in the sand with Owen. Yeah, like a fucking Arab. Yeah. Watch out, the Sandys are coming. Yeah. Oh, shit. Where's your turban? That's not a turban, that's a gas mask.
Speaker: Yeah. Wait, ze women have rights here? Yeah.
Speaker: Uh, no, but he's like, want to get off this planet. And then like, yeah and then Obi-Wan shows up. But he's like, well, I have to work. It's just like, you dude, come on.
Speaker: You don't want to go on an adventure with Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah. Old Ben? Yeah. ah Next we have Harrison Ford who plays Han Solo. ah Maybe you've heard of him.
Speaker: Blaise Rana. He's Han. He's Indy. He's a bunch of other people.
Speaker: He's Red Hulk. Fuck that movie. that true yeah He's the Fugitive. He's probably Witness. He's probably Air Force One. Have you seen The Fugitive yet? No, I haven't.
Speaker: good Good flick. I'm lacking. I'll just put my watch list now because I haven't watched it yet. watch my Watch my list. Let me tell you. In this movie, Harrison Ford is in absolute peace. Fucking peace. Dick me down, daddy.
Speaker: Doink, doink, doink. Doink. It's taking so long to the point that I'm questioning if I press the button or not. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know what what's going on.
Speaker: Odd. Odd. Next, we have Carrie Fisher, R.I. Pizzle. ah Damn, it's already been 10 years. That's saying, yeah, it is. um She plays Princess Leia Organa, Oregano.
Speaker: Did you notice that they were pronouncing it like Leah in the movie? I noticed it was mixed. Some were saying Leah. Like the guy at the end was like, Leah. George, can we get some consistency? Yeah, please, George. For Christ's sake.
Speaker: I mean, she's getting it thrown back big, obviously. I mean, she's hot or the next movie, but she's getting it thrown back big. Or the next one. She's hot. Yeah, she's hot in Return of the Jedi. which she Yeah, when she's all chained up and shit. on Yeah, yeah one that's the one. yeah ah Next, we have the fucking legend, Peter Cushing. R.I.P. He was dead before we were bored. Yeah.
Speaker: He plays Grim Moff Tarkin. And he's, I mean... literal legend. I want to watch his Dracula. I just haven't done it yet. Yeah, you really got to. my favorite Van Helsing.
Speaker: IMO. Um...
Speaker: I don't know if I'm fucking... I guess I am for the clout. Now fucking for the clout. For the clout. Even in this movie, he was old as shit. he's ugly. But... Throw it back on me.
Speaker: You sound like fucking... Dumbledore. Next we have Alec Guinness who plays Obi-Wan Kenobi. No.
Speaker: Dying in 2000. why Then why is he credited in Force Awakens? Was it his voice? Yeah, maybe it was his voice. When Rey is like having an orgasm, just like, Rey!
Speaker: You know? there yeah Yeah, well, it should have been Ewan. Besides the point. That is besides the point. um I don't know. Maybe? I'm kind of out on him.
Speaker: Yeah, I don't know. uh next if anthony daniels who voices c3po i mean this guy looks like a fucking you know what but i'm throwing it back shit he's like he voices and he's in the suit i mean if this guy walked down the street i wouldn't be like that's the guy that voices c3po but if i knew it was a guy that voiced c3po i'm sitting on his face you know what mean yeah right yeah you'd be like throwing back on him he'd be like oh dear
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Please take it easy. I'm just a protocol droid.
Speaker: Interesting thing about C3PO that I have for later that I'm curious about. ah Next we have Kenny Baker, R2D2 fucking legend.
Speaker: ah He's British. Uh, he's dead. a man inside the droid of the popular film star Wars.
Speaker: Uh, he's also in the elephant man. That's cool. Huh? He was, he even played him in Oh five. That boy was like smushed up. that boy Who he is. He probably fucking shrunk down and like shriveled up. Cause he's old.
Speaker: That's true. So it was easier. Yeah. Uh,
Speaker: I don't know. i mean, yeah are we fucking Kenny Baker? I guess for the clout, right? I guess. Be like, yo, I fuck C3PO. Or R2D2. yeah Fuck him. Had an orgy.
Speaker: Yeah, B. R2 and 3PO, dude. Yeah, there's a lot of fucking oil and lube. Yeah, they started they started telling me to scream their names, but I kept getting their numbers confused. Felt like I was at like the Holocaust camp or something. Oh, no.
Speaker: ah Oh, man. oh ah Next, we have Peter Mayhew, who plays Chewbacca. He, again, too, played him for a long He only died a couple of years ago.
Speaker: Damn, so he was Chewie in Force Awakens. Damn. That's wild. Yeah.
Speaker: He actually was 7 feet 3 inches according to Letterboxd. Overactive pituitary gland. I had one of those, but they stopped it. that's good Gigantism. Are you taking this fucking big furry guy for a ride or what?
Speaker: Yeah, probably. Yeah, probably. But he's got to yeah for for the suit. Yeah. On some furry shit. Exactly. Fuck the performer James Earl Jones is the voice of Darth Vader.
Speaker: That's sad that he says uncredited in the first one. It's real sad. It's fucked up. He just passed away recently. RIP. He's a legend. i would fuck his dead body.
Speaker: yeah Yeah. That's not a threat.
Speaker: I want you alive. Yeah, exactly. ah Do we care about Uncle Phil and Aunt Beru? Probably not. Do I care anybody in here? Let's see.
Speaker: I would say maybe not. I would say that's it. Oh, Maria de Aragon plays Greedo. It's a woman. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. In this picture, she looks like she was.
Speaker: She had some I don't think she had much makeup on. No, but Greedo. No, definitely not. That's some numbers on her wrist. or I said she looked like she'd have some numbers on her wrist. Yeah, I said that. oh Yeah.
Speaker: Damn, this one's on sale. where what What are the odds that a guy named Warwick played a Jawa and it's not Warwick Davis? Warwick Diamond. Yeah. It's like the next version. It's like a Pokemon. you evolved.
Speaker: Yeah. ah Yeah, that's I'm good with the rest of this list. Fuck the rest of these people. Who gives shit? It's literally just a bunch of stormtroopers. Oh, but the bottom has a voice actor for Greedo. That's interesting.
Speaker: bob tap out over there Yeah. Yeah, so if you're new this podcast, it was scene by scene. Go listen to last year's episode and episode three so you have the full backstory. Well, we didn't do Rogue One, but whatever. Yeah,
Speaker: sit back and relax. There's plenty of incest. Yeah, Rogue One's a little, not irrelevant, but like... I like Rogue One. I've come around on Rogue One. I used to not like it, and now I do like it.
Speaker: I haven't watched it since theaters, so I think I need to watch it. I've watched it probably twice since then. If you wondered how the the Death Star plans got to where they're at at the beginning of this movie, watch Rogue One. Yeah, check it out.
Speaker: If you want to watch Darth Vader kill some people at the very end. It's fun. Yeah. It's a good time. ah This movie opens with the scroll that I didn't... I actually fast-forwarded through it, ah to be honest. ah There's ah the the rebellion, the Empire, bad things are happening.
Speaker: Yeah, the Jedi are gone. yeah sting Extinguished. like you know This movie is movies pretty anti-religion, I must say. they're always taking shots They're always taking shots at Vader and and e um and eli and Luke about like their stupid-ass religion that are or Ben. Oh, the Force? Yeah. Yeah, like your fucking dumb-ass religion. That shit's done. Yeah. We abolished that shit. like yeah We got Jesus. Now it's you. Yeah. Gone. Gone, on dude.
Speaker: Gone. It starts to see a smaller ship flying overhead than a bigger ship, an Imperial ship. I wrote Pew Pew and they're having a little ah little fight, a little skirmish.
Speaker: um A dog fight if you're in the sky, right? Yeah, but it feels more like a one sided affair here. I mean, big boy taking down little boy.
Speaker: Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. yeah mean Yeah. Isn't this the Star Destroyer? I think so. Also, we we should say this now. For all the hardcore Star Wars fans that we might attract because like, oh, a podcast about A New Hope? Let me listen to the fucking 8,000 version of that.
Speaker: If you're mad we don't have the exact details, we don't fucking care that much, okay? We have better things to do. This is ridiculous. I feel like we've both soured on Star Wars. Yeah. big Big. Yeah. It's just like... if I'm not going to i'm not gonna say it's because of Disney, you know? Because Force Awakens is fine.
Speaker: um Fun fact, my disc doesn't work. Oh, still? for you never got i never got a new one. It's not worth the money. No. Maybe it's oversaturation.
Speaker: It is oversaturated. Big. Big, big. but That's why we're not reviewing Mandalorian and Grogu's. Fuck you. I'm never going to watch that. I'll never see that movie until I'm dead. I'll i'll never see it.
Speaker: Season one of Mandalorian. Just kissed everything else. Pretty good. Not bad thing. I, I even think I read that Kenobi series a four star when it came out, but I'm pretty sure i went back and watched I'd probably fucking hate it.
Speaker: I even finish it. Oh, I was like, can can we, can I get another fight scene? Why do I have to wait? It's the day episodes. It is the definition of a cock tease. Yeah. Yeah. Um,
Speaker: So anyways, the Imperial ship students are big damage and they start sucking in the the smaller ship. And we see these rebellion soldiers that gather by the door. ah And then... This scene lives in my mind rent-free just because of Lego Star Wars, bro. Yeah. That scene was fucking legit. The full saga?
Speaker: The complete saga? Yeah. yourself favor. I did. think I never won. I think that's like 97%. only ever 100% of getting all the mini kits fuck off yeah I just I played it a lot cause I couldn't play end games yeah uh and they're talking about how Leia can't escape now she's fucking done for uh the stormtroopers break down this door and they just fucking destroy the rebellion they start uh retreating Vader walks in, ah and then we see Leia put her drive into R2's head. Hey, yo. Yo, suck this in for me and keep it fucking safe, okay?
Speaker: Keep it sealed until daddy asks for it. And it's really funny because three people are like, yo, are you doing over there? hey Hey, that's my friend. Yeah, hey, hey. Uh...
Speaker: The Rebellion surrenders and Vader, we find out he's looking for the Death Star plans. There's been some secret transmissions. You know? wow. Hey, you up? It'd be funny.
Speaker: Like a Stormtrooper or just some fucking kid on Alderaan. Hey, you up? Hey, you up? Yo, what's going on? I thought you were saying like Vader was texting Leia. Be like, yo, that's your daughter, dog. Yeah, that's your's crazy, bro. Literally your fucking daughter, bro. Whoa, spoiler. Whoa.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean... Sorry. I mean, he can sense the force, but you can't sense your own fucking DNA. It's kind of weird. Maybe he... Yeah. know. You can like... Well, no, because... Because he knew... Go ahead.
Speaker: He knew Luke in the next movie. Yeah, that's true. But you can't be like, the last time I smelled this, I was slaughtering sand people. Padme.
Speaker: Padme.
Speaker: Last time I smelled this, I was killing younglings. Yeah. Hmm. You kind of smell like that. Oh, never mind. Yeah. Yeah. i killed that bitch. I choked her out on that lava planet.
Speaker: Yo, can you stop, bro? Come on. Don't do this. Okay. Cursed. Play with that little ball thing. Yeah. It's like the the one with like a pyramid and the ball goes around. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: I want to take it away from because I feel because he probably doesn't do anything all day, but whatever. It's the first time you see it of like ah interact with something. So they're all trying to lie to Vader and be like, we're on a diplomatic ship, but we're not, you know, with the rebellion. And Vader's like, nah, you're full of shit. You're fucking traitors.
Speaker: ah And he wants every passenger alive, as we alluded to. ah and then the the stormtroopers find Leia, Leia, they stun her. Fuck off! Fuck off!
Speaker: The Darth Vader stunner! Yeah. ah they They make it a point to say, switch your guns to stun mode. Okay. What? Yeah. Oh, wait, she's black.
Speaker: Wait, she's black. That's not going to work. Got to give him at least another two volts. Yeah. No, it's just a bullet. Oh, yeah, that's right. Vader would never. By the way, by the way, I listened to the Patreon edition of ah One Hour Photo. I hope you really fucking did some heavy censoring on that episode. Oh, that was crazy.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's censored. I promise. Okay. I listened to the i listened to the the uncut. Subscribe to our Patreon. The uncut version. of like, this is fucking a lot. Well, that whole giant portion that I sent you is just gone. Yeah, on Patreon only.
Speaker: Yeah. But even after, I really wouldn't let it go afterwards. no No. Yeah. ah Anyways. ah We see R2 and C-3PO get into an escape pod and eject out.
Speaker: And the Imperial ship sees them. oh There's no life forms on there, so don't shoot it. Because they're fucking robots. My goodness, I'm ejecting. Whoa! ah The stormtroopers bring Leia to Vader.
Speaker: And like we were about, there were some transmissions being beamed up to the ship. Didn't you beam nudes back then? Or eve dudes. Yeah, they'll talk about it's like the thing is like the little holograms Like yelling that lip, bro. It's crazy lip Like you try to lick it, but it disappears. and You're like, oh Oh Licking air, bro Yeah, youre trying to throw a hologram at Vader's cock. Someone walks in on the Death Star in the bathroom, and they're like, ah I can explain.
Speaker: you send it he sends you of a hologram Vader's cock. You go back like, is this the scale? or No, it's not working. Ew, why is it shriveled and burnt? Yeah. They had a Robocock.
Speaker: ah And they keep trying to tell Vader that they're not ah they're just, you know, they're members of a diplomatic mission. And he's like, where's the ambassador? Well, that means, but apparently you need one of those.
Speaker: um And they tell Vader. that the pod, a pod is ejected and Vader's like, well, plans are on there. He knows everything. This guy is just like, Vader, this happy. He's like, well, it's because of this, this, and this. Like, he just knows.
Speaker: He just has it figured out. Like, this guy's on another level. Right. um We cut to R2-D2 and C3-P. They're in Saudi Arabia. There's... but He's walking around. Yeah. Hey, what's up, Prince? Yeah. And they're like, oh, shit.
Speaker: It's a fucking Chinese droid.
Speaker: Start like dapping them up. Yeah. ah Why is your metal the same color of my skin? Yeah, that's nuts. they're Like, shouldn't you shouldn't you be in the grocery store walking around? Yeah. ah And I guess R2 is on the secret mission now and they split up and C3PO sees his transport towards yelling for help.
Speaker: We cut to R2 who's traveling on his own. He's being watched by some Jawas. Little Johns that have no face. Yeah, the Jews. Right. Yeah. and They're like leprechauns. Like scalping leprechauns.
Speaker: Kind of, yeah. They just don't have any pots of gold. No. but i guess there' I guess there's no gold in the desert, right? Probably not. No. That's why they're picking scraps. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: So they pick up R2, they stun his ass. These are actually all the people from Ireland during like the potato famine. They just came here. They're like, we want to eat sand. Yeah.
Speaker: It's so fucking hot. My white skin, i need a hoodie. Yeah, exactly. ah They carry him away and they put this little jaw on C3PO. It's called like a restrictor ban or something like that. i don't fucking know. It's kinky.
Speaker: Yep, whatever you're into. um R2 gets sucked up in the jawn, and then he's reunited with C-3PO and some random droids. Shout out to the Gonk droid.
Speaker: Love the Gonk droid. Yep. Gonk. Gonk. It'd be funny if it was the Cock droid. Conk. Conk. Conk. I don't even know what the gonk droid does. It's like, dude, why are you fucking the gonk droid? I thought he was saying cock.
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, that was always the cheapest to buy in Lego Star Wars. It was like the first one you could get, right? That boy does nothing. Nothing. We cut and the stormtroopers are the crash of the escape pod and they know that and they know that ah there are droids and they see a footprint path and then he's like, one of the troopers is like, it's a droid and he picks up like a fucking cock ring and he's like, look, see? Look.
Speaker: but That's to be it. Look, this fell off of his penis. This metal band. It must be a droid. Could it be a man We must sniff it. Yeah.
Speaker: He's like, Luke, yeah my son. um I smell me on here. Yeah. oh That's another thing, right?
Speaker: He like totally no sells everything because he knows R2D2 and C3PO. That's part of the problem is like they didn't know they were going to make. so it's just a fuck This is just what it is.
Speaker: I know, but yeah looking back on it. It also is crazy that like in this scene, you look at the lineup of droids. Like, yeah, no shit. Those two are like the main characters out of the out of the group. Like this fucking spider looking thing and like the fucking a rock. i don't know what the fuck the other one was. It looks like what fucking Patrick was under.
Speaker: and english And the other one that was like had like a neon green stripe on it. That was never going work. No. I mean, there was kind of like one droid that kind of looked like like the Wasp. Yeah.
Speaker: But, yeah. I need name. So, these Jawas are trying to sell these droids to Owen in Peru, and Luke in Peru wants a translator that speaks Bachi.
Speaker: Never knew why. And to be fair, it doesn't fucking matter. Because he never does it. Nope. ah Do you... Does anybody speak Shmi? Shmi Skywalker? What?
Speaker: What? ah
Speaker: Owen interviews C-3PO and he needs some help with his moisture evaporators. Yeah, me too, buddy. What do those do I'm just curious. I'm asking for a friend. Well, because they're on Tatooine, right? And they're a farmer.
Speaker: So it's just sand. So I'm thinking they're making like water. They're sucking water out of the ground. They have to be. Yeah. What else are they doing? i don't they know. They suits from fucking Dune that keep the water in your body or whatever. They recycle it.
Speaker: They need to watch Dune. That's not that good. It's whatever. It's like you pee into it and it still fucking is able to save and reuse it water. You suck it out of your fucking, I don't know. I that's kind of cool, though. I mean, Dune's pretty gay.
Speaker: Whatever. What came first? ah I think this was inspired off of Dune. I'm pretty sure. That makes sense. Nothing's original. Don't watch the David Lynch Dune. It sucks.
Speaker: I watched a new one. Yeah, I guess. If you want to lose fucking three hours of your life, sure. Okay. I didn't even remember that this was two hours. Do you know that Dave Batiste is in Dune?
Speaker: No. Yeah. Dave Bautista's in Dune. um In all of them? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, he's in Dune 1 and 2. shout out Shout out Dave. Shout Dave Bautista. And yeah, i also for I was like, oh, it's probably 90 minutes, fucking 121 minutes.
Speaker: yeah i say Growing up, I always thought this was like a low budget. Me too. 11 mil. Hmm. Back then? Back then? Yeah, back then. Wow, that's a lot of money now.
Speaker: I mean, he made American graffiti. So they were probably like, air, money. ah Take it all. ah So Luke and Owen want to buy 3PO and this other red R2 droid that blows up.
Speaker: And C3PO's like, take the blue one. It's a nice one. So they buy him. We cut and C3PO's soaking in some tank. um And Luke's like, man, I got to get out of here.
Speaker: Like, we gotta go, man. Yeah. He kind looks like Shaggy. a little bit. He looks fucking... He kind of the surfer hair. He looks fucking stupid in this movie, let's be honest. He does.
Speaker: i need him in black. Yeah. That's my Luke. Yeah. Blacked up. Yeah. Yeah. need my Luke Blacked Raw. Subscribe to see the whole video.
Speaker: It would suck. It sucks that they can't use the forces to change their skin color, you know? Just make their fucking... That'd be so beneficial. Yeah. um Luke is cleaning R2-D2. He has a lot of carbon scoring.
Speaker: And you find that they've been in war with the Rebellion. And this is is one thing I'm curious about. and you know Obviously, the the the theories don't make sense, of course, because it's been made Star Wars has been made since 1977 to now. So it's just like, no it's going to make sense. But ah Luke's like, tell me about He's like, oh, I just translate language. I'm not really good with remembering anything.
Speaker: or like telling Or like telling stories. But then like I think it's the newest like nine is he's like, oh, he's like no matter what happens, you guys are my friends or like all that. There's some scene like where he like gets like turn into like a like language or whatever.
Speaker: Yeah. It's like I'll always remember you guys. It's like you have no memory. What are we talking about? in the memory capacity. You should be waking up every day with fucking amnesia. What? You know what I mean?
Speaker: Yeah, he just turns into Stone Cold. Yeah. what ah What? Why is my random arm red? What? What?
Speaker: ah R2 accidentally plays the message of Princess Leia asking for Obi-Wan. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. It ain't gonna flick itself, dog.
Speaker: yeah ah ah are Flick me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke's like, yeah who the fuck is that? And R2's like, it's old. Don't worry about it.
Speaker: Don't worry about it. yeah Also, it's weird because Obi-Wan held her as a baby.
Speaker: He was the first one to touch her after she was born. Are you saying it's weird that he held her as a baby and now she's asking him to flick herself? or like yeah Is that why you're saying it's weird?
Speaker: Yeah. yeah Yeah. I mean, it is. That is strange. He did hold her. Yeah. I mean, he watched. He watched you come out of your mother. I mean, that's there.
Speaker: I mean, that's it. He was there. ah then It was definitely Yoda and that tall bitch with the long head. Yeah. know The then the robot robot was like, ooh, bah. Yeah.
Speaker: ah I don't remember that. But it is it is like the epitome of like when you see people, i haven't seen you since you were a baby. Yeah. It's like, no, uh, it's like, it's like, it's like, hello there. I saw you coming out of Padme's pussy.
Speaker: Wow. Who's Padme? Oh, right. Your mom, she had a choking kink. Went too far. Yeah. You know, it's my fault. It's my, I got involved. You know, I was trying to beg your mom too. You know, literally watched it happen. It just didn't do anything.
Speaker: I just begged for your dad to stop choking your mom. knew would do it. I was a fully capable Jedi. Didn't care. um but I was a Jedi master by this time. you I'm just saying. I trained your dad and he still did all this shit.
Speaker: I was on the council. you know but and she's like my dad That's too much paperwork. You know what mean? And she's like, my dad? He's like, yeah, they got the big flat black fucking helmet on. That's your dad.
Speaker: yes The guy that like really wants you. That's dad. He's breathing way too hard. Like he has asthma or something. Yeah. Like come on motherfucker. Just breathe. Yeah. know Like yeah.
Speaker: Dude's a pussy. Yeah. I call his limbs off. yeah Yeah. I was going to say, like, i don't know how he got like that. Don't look at me. I don't know. It's weird. Yeah. One minute, I just turned around.
Speaker: He's just burning. I didn't save him. Don't worry. I didn't save him. Look, I cut his limbs off, but it's not my fault his little fucking quadriplegic ass rolled down the hill. I didn't do that. Yeah. i was like It'd be funny if he was just lying there and Obi-Wan, like, behind his back. He's just, like, force pushing a little bit more. Just a little more. A little more.
Speaker: He's looking around. He's like, well war little more. more. Yeah. yeah All the droids on Mustafar. Yeah. They turned his ass into the council. ah So R2 claims to belong to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke's like, hmm, I wonder if that's Ben Kenobi.
Speaker: how article got How many people got the fucking Kenobi name in the galaxy? Right. Only the legend. Man the myth. they can't They can't marry. They cannot marry. They can't fuck.
Speaker: None of that. Mannequin broke it. And now he's a fucking Sith Lord. so um So R2 tells Luke the restraining bolt is restraining the whole message. So he takes off the bolt for R2 and then R2 doesn't play the message. He goes, what message, bro? What are you talking about?
Speaker: we mean What do you mean? Can't Yeah. no i don't i don't I don't record i don't record ah video. yeah There's no recordings. yeah My SD card's full. What are talking about? yeah My voicemail's not set up yet.
Speaker: you Yeah. Yeah. Call back later. What you talking about? i just got a new number. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. new phone What is this? phone who dis? I don't know. That was an incognito mode. it's Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. You were on you were searching the dark web. i don't know what the fuck you were looking at. Yeah. Sorry. I got a couple of viruses. I had to factory reset. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I caught those at Peru calls for Luke. Don't look up hot droids in your area. You know, you take it out a weird, and weird route. Yeah. No, no, no. You can't look my search history. It's not your business.
Speaker: Yeah. Don't worry about No, no, no. want dildo inside me. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I don't know. It's like when he fucking like has all the fucking arms come out. He's got like weird a little... He's useful. and He's useful.
Speaker: He's like a fucking... What's that word? That kind of knife you open has all the different kind of things. Oh, ah yeah, I know what it is. Swiss Army knife. Yeah, go Swiss like cheese because have a gaping hole and I'm white. yeah I love cheese so much. Yeah, me too. feel like cheese is your own fucking loser.
Speaker: Stop listening right now. Yeah. Goodbye. The older you're the better. o little stank on it. Yeah, you know talking about? My leg. Your leg got some stank on it? Yeah, you got stanky ass leg. Yeah, you I'm talking about? I hit that shit real quick.
Speaker: It's weird that you said that, and I didn't get that connection immediately because I was like, your leg has mold on it. was like, watch why do you have mold on it, bro? Yeah. You should probably get that looked at. ah So we cut to this dinner scene where Luke is telling Owen that he thinks R2 was stolen and belongs to Obi-Wan, and he's like, that fucking crazy wizard, fuck that guy. and i don't know who you're talking about. I know nothing about him. Yeah, that guy, I don't, I mean, he didn't like deliver me to you or anything. You came on a stork.
Speaker: Yeah, you know the stork story? Yeah. yeah that's yeah They have them in Star Wars. They fly in space. ah They breathe. They have helmets. Yeah. You want to see my helmet?
Speaker: ah Uncle Owen. Don't worry. Your mom can't have kids. That's not your mom. yeah
Speaker: ah Yeah, so he tells Luke that he's just fucking erased R2's memory. um And Owen says that Obi-Wan died the same time as his dad did. And Luke wants to go to the Academy this year and not stay for the harvest because they're farmers.
Speaker: What Academy are we talking about? Yeah, the Academy of fucking losers. You know what mean? um Then he's all... I want to be smart.
Speaker: He's like, I'm never going to get out of here. And he's all fucking moody and shit. And then he goes and like stares at the moon for a while. It's like that that scene I think people call iconic. When you're staring into nowhere. The two moons. The yin yang looking moons.
Speaker: Fuck that shit. That shit's gay. Yeah. And then, you know, he's out there for forever long and decides to come back inside at some point. And R2's left because he took off the restrictor band. like This is why he can't have kids.
Speaker: C3 feels like I tried to stop him, but he's got a fucking tripod on him. really do ah i got these leg braces and boys just zipping around you know i can't catch them yeah walk like a fucking cripple i i yeah you know you think anakin built me better he's like who's anakin that's not your word don't worry about that but don't worry about it yeah your dad built me yeah huh yeah look and see three people go looking for r2 the next day and we see the same people watching them shout out
Speaker: shout out ah Shout out dad slaughtering all sand people. Terrorism, I guess, because they're kind of like terrorists. I suppose. ah the They thugs. They are thugs.
Speaker: They'd be riding these fucking jawns. These little... Yeah. Yeah. ah Big Harry. They kind of look like if Chewbacca had like some weird deformity.
Speaker: They kind look like if Chewbacca was on all fours ready to fucking take it. Yeah. um But we ain't on Kashyyyk, baby. No, we ain't. R2 tells them that creatures are approaching and Luke's like, let's go look at them.
Speaker: Yeah, let me get out my binoculars. I'm going to go freak watching. ah So looking in the binoculars and then a sand person just shows up and attacks Luke.
Speaker: And you get that crazy wow from R2. Yeah. And R2 watched them drag Luke and they raid the ship. And it was crazy.
Speaker: i don't remember the noise that was on my Blu-ray. It was more like a ah whistle. But it was like a crazy-ass noise the Blu-ray. Yeah, they changed it like numerous times. Yeah, the first one I liked a lot better. What I heard today was kind of Uggos.
Speaker: Like... we no than another yeah ah And he sits down and he sees ah roon and he's like, Hello there. Uh... And Luke wakes up. He's like, yeah, we're looking for Obi-Wan Kenobi. He's like, that's me.
Speaker: Yeah. ah Yeah. You know, it's just me. like I'm Obi-Wan. And to be fair, he's like, I don't remember owning a droid, which he didn't. he does' Definitely never owned a droid.
Speaker: He never owned one. He had R4. Yeah, that motherfucker has his head taken off big. He did. Obi-Wan's like, we got to go, bro. ah And they find C-3PO in like multiple pieces. They bring him back home.
Speaker: and I got to sit you down and talk to you for a second. Here's the talk, kid. I'm sure it already happened, but you're going to start getting some pubes in your dick. Yeah. But don't worry. You can force push him back in. Yes. It's just an everyday thing. Practice makes perfect.
Speaker: And I like it clean. ah over be one so is this how he become a Jedi master yeah so they go back to some fucking shack it's even like where he lives and Luke's uncle lied about Anakin's story and Obi-Wan's like yeah your dad fought in Clone Wars as a Jedi bro And he's like, I mean to give you this.
Speaker: I had this lightsaber up my ass. Here, take your dad's hilt in your hand. Yeah. Your dad, he dropped the lightsaber. I caught it and gave it back to him. Then I cut his limbs off. But you know, don't worry about that part.
Speaker: Yeah. dot Your dad and i you know, we had beef. Yeah, you know. it it it Yeah, I guess you could say it. It's kind of over, you know, I ain't got no hate on him, but don't know how he feels. Yeah. He's having trouble breathing. ah Yeah. You might want to take him to get him his inhaler. Yeah. ah And then here's an interesting part.
Speaker: ah Luke's father died from Darth Vader, who turned over to the dark side. And it. brought in the dark time where the Jedi were hunted. And then Ben talks about the force.
Speaker: He's like, the force. There's much shit that they had to like retcon. Yeah. But it was, but it was like, to make it make sense. From what I've heard, like as soon as like the, this movie like became popular, that's when they were like, yep, this is episode four, but we're going to make five, six and then go back.
Speaker: Interesting. Interesting.
Speaker: R2 plays the full message from Leah and she needs some help. And there's a vital info on the Death Star plans on R2's memory drive. He's like, i'm a memory drive. He's like, why is everybody trying to get my memory drive like that, bro? It's my business.
Speaker: Yeah, relax, relax. I ain't got, I know what you think I got. i ain't got that. No, I'm virus proof. Yeah, come on now. Obi tells Luke that he has to learn the ways of the forest and go to Alderaan to help him Leia. And Luke's like, I have to work.
Speaker: But the harvest is coming You didn't want to fucking work. Also, what is who is your harvest helping? The fucking Arabs? Yeah, what are we talking about? Who are you selling it to? ah Right, nobody. Fucking the Jawas.
Speaker: Luke says he can take Obi-Wan to Anchorhead. That's about it. We cut to the Death Star and they there's some people worried about them having the the Rebellion, having the Death Star plans. And Tarkin says, ah they're also like, ah it's going to make the the Rebellion look good that we fucking just, some shit happened.
Speaker: Oh, they captured fucking Leia. The fucking Senate's not going to like that. And Tarkin's like, oh yeah, the Emperor dissolved the Senate. Don't worry about it. Shit's over with. Shit's gone. Well, she she's a princess.
Speaker: Yeah. So that's probably not good if you just merc the king and queen's daughter. Right. Also, her her father is Darth Vader. You might not know it yet.
Speaker: You might not know it. I know them lips look nice. Right. mean, where she gets from. doing that? uh vader says that the they want to this guy is like we should fucking use a death star on the on one of these planets and fucking fire this weapon off show off this fucking bad bitch we got yeah no and vader's like the force is a lot more powerful than the death star and this guy's like yeah fuck you you're done for religion so vader chokes him out i mean it's valid right like you can't just be like oh planet explodes right
Speaker: But, I mean, pretty sick Vader just choking people out too. i mean, he doesn't give a fuck. That's the, I had the Vader helmet as a kid with the buttons that sound effects and it's the, I find your lack of faith disturbing or whatever the fuck he says. Yeah. he gas I use that in bed.
Speaker: Just hold my hand on her throat. It's like, oh, you lacked faith in me? He's like, I did too. Which makes sense. It's all right. Oopsie. I already splooched. It's been three minutes. I'm literally here banging you with my Darth Vader helmet on. Yeah.
Speaker: I'm going down a dark path. Is it possible to learn this power? no Not for a Jedi. You don't want it? No.
Speaker: you don't want it
Speaker: ah We cut to Luke and Obi-Wan. They find this fucked up Jawa transport that was attacked by stormtroopers because sand people aren't that accurate. o and yeah Yeah, but Obi-Wan says that stormtroopers are, and we all know they can't shit.
Speaker: For nothing. Um, so he pieces together, they're probably going back to see, talk to Peru and Owen. So he goes back to their little hole and house and it's just burned down. How do you burn down a hole?
Speaker: You know, it's already a hole in the ground. They probably do little rock house. Put explosives in there. It's crazy in this movie. They just have like full on like bloody skeletons sitting outside.
Speaker: Yeah. they These boys like, they got charred. They got holocausted. they yet They got Anakin. They did. They really did. ah He goes back to... we cut to Vader who tells Leia she's going to give them the fucking info or else.
Speaker: ah And they got this little fucking drawer with a needle on it. i don't know the fuck this is about. He's about to like roofier. it no it's like he That's his Bluetooth injection. He can't get it up. yeah yeah Yeah. so I'm hard now. Here it comes.
Speaker: Luke comes back to Obi-Wan and they're just burning dead Jawas. It's fucking kind of morbid a little bit. No. Yeah. But fuck him. Sure. ah Now he's like, I want to be a Jedi and go to Alderaan and suck my sister's clit in the woods.
Speaker: What? That happens in the fucking second one. Yeah. They make out in the second one in the woods and get the fucking teddy bears. that No? Teddy bears? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, she's like, look all these little fucking teddy grams. He's like, yeah!
Speaker: Yeah, honey-coated. I like the chocolate ones. I thought that was Return of the Jedi when they're on... ah No, the teddy bears are on The Empire Strikes Back.
Speaker: Really? Yeah. No. that's um that's that That's when Hoth, that's when they start on Hoth. The opening is Hoth, yes. Yeah. And then he goes to fucking, what's it called?
Speaker: why Why am I blanking on the name of where the Ewoks are? Naboo. No, it's not Naboo. No, I think the Ewoks are actually in six. You're right. Ewok home planet. Well, anyway, she sucks his fucking... Endor.
Speaker: the The point is that he sucks her fucking clit in the woods with Teddy Grahams, okay? I told you. Okay. That's the point I'm trying to make here. Whether it's five or six is regardless because Star Wars is mid.
Speaker: is that Is that in the extended cut?
Speaker: That's why George is an extra millionaire. He fucking sold off the sex tape. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he fucking did. ah did Well, Disney legally owns it now, right? Disney was Pornhub too, so yeah. That's what it is That's odd.
Speaker: Weird. Weird investment. They go to Mos Eisley, which is a, he says it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Oh yeah, it is. There's women dressed up as men. ah Fucking greed as a woman.
Speaker: I mean, this theme, Mos Eisley theme song. Bang. Bangor. Bangor. We never gave it to him. Shout out John Williams. John motherfucking Williams. Shout out to you.
Speaker: I mean, is it is it weird to say that the best part of Star Wars is the music? I don't think so. Is it weird to say I want to get fucking double fisted by John Williams? No, it's not weird.
Speaker: If he's alive, we should call him right now. Call live on the show. By the way, our voicemail is dead. so Don't call us. yeah Don't call us anymore. Just send us a fucking DM. Oh, he's alive. He lives in New York. He's still conducting,
Speaker: He's still conducting. four Yeah, and he's still conducting, too. He's crazy. Oh, my God. he's doing Disclosure Day. Oh, my God. This guy's still composing full-ass movies.
Speaker: We'll be right back. Plug it and plug it in. We stopped this podcast to bring you i plug it in, plug it in. Firstly, we're going to promote our Patreon. You want to hear what the bleep say?
Speaker: Go to patreon.com slash two guys, one screen. Give us money. Plus, please. plus Plus, you get a bonus episode every Friday called Mixed Bag, where we play games, play games,
Speaker: We sex each other. I take my wiener out. I don't do any of that. It would be ah cooler if you did. It would be. But if you subscribe, you can get that. I'm just kidding.
Speaker: And you also get a bonus movie review every single month. So go check that out. Also, follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod.com. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com.
Speaker: Follow us individually on Letterboxd. And then go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it? Do you want it or not? Where we share our physical media purchases.
Speaker: And shout out to Google for taking away our phone number. Yeah, fuck you, Google. Fuck you, Google, and fuck you, Zencast. They're back to the episode. Okay, just strike that from the record. He's going to be on the podcast, and we respect that.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah but He also does want access to the fucking 5-an-hour level Polar Express. You can't have that. um and Anyways, Stormtroopers 1 ID, Obi-Wan does the mind trick, famous mind trick.
Speaker: twiddles his little top and they listen to him. just grabs just just He just just grabs... He just grabs the structure by the balls.
Speaker: We're going forward. He's like, okay. All right. We're locked. We're locked. We're locked. Just the idea of him looking up like just having him by the balls. Like, yeah, see that?
Speaker: yeah Who's at the power now? This is not the fat hoes you were looking for. Yeah. um And Luke doesn't get He's like, what? can't believe it was through.
Speaker: shock And Obi-Wan's like, the force penetrates all, Luke. Penetrates all. yeah Deep, too. Throned. Real deep, bro. that We hitting organs. Yeah.
Speaker: They go into the cantina looking for a pilot. And they don't like they don't serve droids there. I do want to say the bartender looks like he's incest. Just saying. A little bit, yeah. ah Luke walks up to the bar and this thing ah that has literally ass cheeks for a mouth. i Yeah.
Speaker: You don't like Luke. I don't like you. Droids are black. So get out of here.
Speaker: Yeah. We see Obi-Wan talking to Chewbacca and then ass cheeks. His friend doesn't like Luke either. They probably just tell him, Hey, I don't like you. doesn't like you. I don't either.
Speaker: And Luke's just like, all right. Luke's like, well, my father is a Sith Lord. Yeah. Everybody's just like, huh? It's like when he says Harry Potter. It's like Voldemort's name. Everybody's like.
Speaker: Yeah. Yo. ah So they want to tussle and Ash Cheeks' his friend pulls his pistol out and Obi-Wan slices his arm off.
Speaker: They meet, huh? Well, yeah, it's bloody. A bit bloody. Which doesn't make sense because according to Star Wars canon, it carterizes it.
Speaker: There's a lot of cut. lot of edit. A lot of just fucking, yeah, just too much. We hope Patreon enjoyed it. Yeah. But we did start off by saying it's like fucking South Park where it just means nothing by the end of the episode. And we we followed through with that. We're men of our word.
Speaker: ah Next, are they meet Han Solo, and he's pissed they haven't heard the Middle-Aiming Falcon. Whatever. Sorry, dude. That parsec, whatever, that he talks about. No one's ever heard of the Maltese Falcon either. Sorry. Two weeks in a row. Let's come up. It's weird.
Speaker: i need to watch that shit now. Maybe. um Han wants 10 big ones up front before he gets... We're 10 big bitches.
Speaker: um Ten trains immediately or no flight. Yeah. And Ben's like, you fucking see these two? You get these now, I'll give you 15 Alderaan. just starts rubbing Luke's leg. I think we can make this work.
Speaker: yeah My cock's out of service, but his works. This is my son.
Speaker: Yeah, he's not actually my son, but he's kind of like a son. Yeah, you know. I might have fucked his mom. We don't know. we don't know. But she died after birth, so I can't tell you if I did or not. Yeah. That's secret to die with her.
Speaker: know what I mean? Yeah. I might have injected my sperm into her pussy. It's no big deal. She's dead. It doesn't matter. Turn my head, I dwell.
Speaker: ah Never mind. Stormtroopers enter a bar. Gushy it still is.
Speaker: Han's like, whoa, 17 big ones? Hell yeah. You're offering me 17 instead of 10? Done deal. I don't get it. We're in the desert and the Arabs get 72. What's up with that? It's because of white, huh? Discrimination? Yeah.
Speaker: ah'll put the turban on. it I'll like, I'll super glue pubes to my face. It's fine. What do want me to do? just tell me. I'll do it. you You want me to join Bollywood? What do you want? Whatever.
Speaker: Yeah. Convert to Islam? I won't do that. so Sorry. So, no. Yeah. Um... you want me to start doing a hi i it ah i like i'll do belly dance? What do you want? It's the shout out my Indian college roommate, Sahil.
Speaker: Or maybe bleep that name. No, whatever. There's probably a lot of Sahils, right? probably Screw in the light bulb and pet the dog. That's what that how you to do it. That's how you do it. Yeah. That's how you do the dance. That's kind of gay.
Speaker: Yeah. Super gay. ah Sorry, religion. Shout out to our fucking Indian brothers, I guess.
Speaker: Okay. Uh, crazy. That still says dirt or dirt. That's not, uh, anyway, so Hans gets up. He's thrilled and he gets stopped by Greedo. He's so actually hard.
Speaker: He gets up and he's hard. i not going solo tonight. Oh, sorry about that. item ah sorry. You saw my little Indy. Uh,
Speaker: ah And Greedo's a woman, we found out on the podcast. And Greedo's like, Jabba wants his money. And he hired bounty hunters looking for your ass.
Speaker: um And Han shot first. Yeah. Well, because of the CGI move of the head, the... Yeah. uh we cut to vader and he's like you know leah's real resisting he's like wiping his cock off he's like i don't i don't know man she just been yeah yeah i don't know what it is she's really resistant to my mind probe and they're like wow he's like he's like mind probe ah it's like but yeah you know we can't have sex with the prisoners so we have to have like code words they're like uh sir we were watching on the camera okay
Speaker: um Silence! He starts choking him out. like, you want it too? You want it, huh? ah Tarkin tells him to go to Alderaan because they're going to demonstrate the full power of the fucking Death Star and they're going to make Leia tell them where the shit's at. Now I'm saying Leia and Leia. I'm fucked up now.
Speaker: Fuck. I mean, I think this is the only time they say Leia. Maybe George didn't know and he was like, just yeah go with off. I'm trying to lay it in. you know Yeah, like when he's on a wall, he's like...
Speaker: Leia. Race it. Han.
Speaker: ah Ben. ah I like it from old men. ah Han's not old. Oh, Ben.
Speaker: Ben, yeah. Is that why they named... Wait, no, I think they said that in The Force Awakens. That's why hah and Leia named Kylo Ben. Yeah.
Speaker: ah We see the... Oh, Adam Driver. Yeah. You ah
Speaker: sound like Ross. um Adam Driver. You gotta lick my snail trail.
Speaker: Adam fucking John motherfucker. John Goodman motherfucker. Yeah, I'm gonna fuck with the Sith Lord.
Speaker: We see C-3PO. Jar Jar, no. Get out of here. Get your fucking weird ass eyes. ah They're hiding from the stormtroopers outside and we see a like spy or bounty hunter following Ben and Luke.
Speaker: They get to the ship and Jabba's waiting outside for Han. He wants his money. And he looks horrible. At least on my copy. The CGI looks horrible. Yeah. What did they do in the original? Like, what was it? a fucking puppet?
Speaker: Yeah. That's probably better. And did you see, like, when Han, like, stepped over his tail, they had to, like, digitally move Han up and put... Oh, man.
Speaker: George. Han's like... just lady yeah He's like, give me a little more time for a little more money. And Jabba's like, okay, but I will send the fucking, the goons after you.
Speaker: Yeah. The Taliban's on its way. and They're on their way, bro. They board the Millennium Falcon and Luke calls it a piece of junk. ah And that guy leaves the troopers to where the Millennium Falcon is starts shooting at him.
Speaker: And there's a chase scene. The Falcons get chased by some ships. ah And they jump to light speed and escape. Wow. We're gone.
Speaker: want to but i wanna like clip that and use every time you have Adam driver movie. o and a driverver Cut to the death star. It's fucking pull up on Alderaan. Like what's up girl.
Speaker: ah We smell Leia's pussy down there. It smells like royalty and puss. It smells like chamomile and bush.
Speaker: ah Tarkin asks Leia for the location of the base ah or else going fucking blow balderon. And she says Dantooine and he's like, thank you. He's like, blow it up.
Speaker: They just blow balderon anyways. ah We cut the Falcon where Luke's training with his little drawn. You know the one? oh bal Little Little ball that keeps going everywhere. And he's like, ah, ah, yeah ah, blocking it. Oh, my ass. Ah. Yeah. Wait, wait. Zap the same spot. Zap it again. Come on.
Speaker: Yeah, he's he's starting to like it, and then Obi-Wan's like, I feel a disturbance in the force. He's gay. And Han's like, all right, it's it's enough. Get off my ship. Oh, I think I got to, yeah. think I stove on.
Speaker: Then we see them playing chess or whatever. Put the fucking sound in, Nick. Not chugging. Not chugging. This chess. And then we see this John Truman look in the ass. He's like, yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: Just like Uncle Owen did with the belt. Oh. what Yeah. um And they're talking with the force. And Han's like, I don't believe in some mystical energy field. It's bullshit.
Speaker: And Obi-Wan's like, well, watch this. And he puts a fucking blindfold on Luke and he's able to block all the the shots. And Luke's like, Obi-Wan, I wanted it my butt.
Speaker: Please. uh please ain't big of you yeah uh some dude tells tark i don't have the name of the fucking other people in the ship so it's just some dude he tells tarkin about the scouts found an old rebel base on dantooine but it's been abandoned for years and he's like that bitch fucking lied to me and vayre's like i fucking told you bro i told you i know she's a skywalker I don't know it yet.
Speaker: She's a i'm about to turn into a train runner. If you know what i mean. I think Luke's going to be a bug chaser. He likes it in the butt. Yeah. ah The Falcon ends up in an asteroid fucking field because the remaining pieces of fucking Alderaan, they blitz the fucking sky high.
Speaker: ah And then they see a Ram TIE fighter. What? I haven't seen that movie in forever. Which one? Sky high. Oh, yeah. ah We'll do it for the Patreon.
Speaker: um They find a TIE fighter. a lot of kids. I know. Why? ah And they... I don't why his TIE fighter didn't like try to fight these fucking people, but whatever.
Speaker: um They follow it Yeah. they ah They think it's a moon, but it's a fucking space station. It's the Death Star, bitch.
Speaker: And they try to turn around, but they underestimated the Death Star's got some fucking mean suction. He's sucking big. Sucking big dudes in. just Yeah, mean dudes.
Speaker: ah The Falcon pulls into the Death Star and Veer knows there were there ah they're in me. Oh, fuck. The plans are on the fucking ship and they come on and say there's no one aboard. But Vince Vader's like, sense something I haven't sensed in a long time.
Speaker: Rock hard genitalia. Who the fuck has my limbs? Get those over here. Uh.
Speaker: Two troopers go in and they get beat up and they call for two more. And then like the guy in the fucking headquarters or whoever's like, why are you at your base? At your post? Come out of there.
Speaker: And he comes out. It's just a guy. He's like, oh, the the football thing. but Yeah. Oh, it's not working. No signal. I'm calling my own play. So he's like a bad transmitter. Hike. Where's Luke?
Speaker: hike where's luke ah So he goes down to try to fix it and the door opens and Hans and the crew were there. Hans? Hans and the crew are ready to a fucking attack.
Speaker: Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber. Yeah. You guys think you're the Imperial no match for the Nazi. The Reich. We are way more effective. We are the Aryan race.
Speaker: Do you remember who Hans Gruber was? Yeah, he's the main guy in Die Hard. Die Hard, yeah. Yeah, know, I just like talking in German. Ja, you know me? Ja, Harrison Ford? Ja, I know Bruce Willis. what He beat my ass.
Speaker: And then I went... ah But we love the German chocolate cake and Christmas.
Speaker: The Santa Claus.
Speaker: Yeah. and example god Yeah. ja jaish shos the z bell ah Yeah.
Speaker: you call all they express yeah yeah yeah ah Ring the bell, you can hear Santi's voice. Santi?
Speaker: You know him like that, yeah? You got the beef dial, huh? Yeah. It's the country king. Okay. I have his P.O. box. Yeah, you do.
Speaker: So they come out, they're in like, Luke and Han are in full-blown Stormtrooper uniform, all white. They're cosplaying big.
Speaker: He's like, yo... I said, I need you to grab me the way fucking Obi grabbed that fucking stormtrooper on Tatooine. That's big. Just fucking grab it, please. And Han's like, whoa!
Speaker: R2 hacks into the Imperial Network. Obi-Wan's gonna go shut off the tractor beam and confront Vader. Isn't that so weird?
Speaker: Yeah, don't worry about me. I'm just gonna go fight the main protagonist. Antagonist. Yeah, sorry. Uh, R2 tells the group that Leia's on level five and Luke wants to go save Leia, but Han's like, nah.
Speaker: And she's like, yo. I'm about to take her to level six. oh And Luke's like, look, bro. She got a nice little thing on her. She's rich and she's hot. That's mine. She's a princess. So he's like, all right, I'm in.
Speaker: So they dress up and they're going escort Chewie like Chewie's a prisoner. But Chewie don't like handcuffs. So they escort him and they bring him to the prison and the guard was not aware of a new prisoner. And then Chewie gets loose, quote unquote.
Speaker: And they attack him. Loose. They attack the prison guards. ah And then their radio comes in from HQ asking what's going on. and a Han's like, uh. And he just shoots it.
Speaker: I mean, it was kind of funny. little bit. I actually kind of chuckled. He's just like, uh, yeah, we don't need you. ah I'm doing all right. How are you?
Speaker: ah Luke frees Leia. And he's like, I'm Luke Skywalker. And she's like, you're definitely not my brother. Yeah. Well, yeah, because her name's Organa.
Speaker: Organa. Leia Organa? My dad's black. My dad's black. I've never thought about how weird is my dad's black and I'm not. it's I just, you know, roll with the point. Wait, my dad's black.
Speaker: Why is he respected? What's going on with that? How's he king? What the fuck's going on here? tells Larkin Martin Luther got it.
Speaker: He's king. Vader tells Larkin that Obi-Wan is here. and They've radioed Tarkin saying there's an issue. And Vader's like, Obi-Wan, I'm going to fucking fight that guy.
Speaker: like that guy. Han and Chewie retreat to lu and Leia. They're getting shot and there's nowhere to go. So Leia shoots the garbage chute and she just jumps right through that bitch.
Speaker: ah And they all jump down. ah And meanwhile, C-3PO and R2-D2, they're in that room. They're breaking the fucking wall, the door down over there. Yeah, they are. It's trying.
Speaker: Whenever the button decides to work. Yeah. We'll be taking our money elsewhere, Zencaster. I'm just kidding. We're too lazy to figure out where that is.
Speaker: Yeah. So they're their garbage shoe and Hans tries to shoot his way out, but the bullet like ricochets everywhere. And he sees his little eye jaw and pop of the water.
Speaker: yeah it's like, ooh, the cute white boy. i want to suck him. It's like an octopus or some kind of squid. Like a snake. yeah Yeah. You want to see my eight tentacles? I'm going to wrap my tentacles around your leg.
Speaker: ah Yeah, I'm going to start with my suction cups, go up very smooth. Then I'm going to rip down very aggressively. And you are going to come. The last time we did this, we popped that blue bitch named Ala Secura.
Speaker: faith ah I like her things. want suck on them. ah So Luke gets sucked big. And then all of a sudden, the creature lets go of him.
Speaker: And the walls start closing in. i don't think this is a break the walls down moment, but they are closing in. Yeah. um And Han's like, quick, grab my rod. quick use my rod to stop the walls from closing it on us uh this is funny it it autocorrected 3 p.m 3po uh luke radios the c3po that he's uh but c3po turned off the comm thing on accident i guess he's hiding from troopers who are looking for them uh and they find them and immediately c3po's like hes they're on the level of five doing whatever be careful you know yeah uh i'm pretty sure luke's eating her clam out just be careful
Speaker: in that in the dirty like septic water yeah right oh oh man that's why we're in the front when they're in the forest let me get a good look at that just yeah i gotta you just fucking see what's going on here gotta make sure the antibiotics fixed everything up for you yeah let me open up your third eye leah see what's going on here uh So G-3PO tells the guard that he's taking R2 for maintenance.
Speaker: And then R2 is like, do you turn for fucking comm link, bro? And he's like, yeah. You probably turn that shit back on. Luke's like, we're fucking dying, bro. Come on. ah Leia's walls are closing in fast. And it's not moist.
Speaker: No. Well. ah So Luke yells at him to turn the garbage mashers off. Like the spray. And they do. And then they're cheering and C3PO thinks they're dead, but they're alive.
Speaker: And they have R2 open the door. And then Obi-Wan turns. I wrote laser because didn't know what he was turning off. It's the tractor beam. Here you go. That bitch off. Then an alarm is going off in the garage thing and Han shoots it.
Speaker: I keep saying Hans. Han. ah And Leia's pissed because that's going alert the troopers and they start running. ah like License and registration. God damn it.
Speaker: ah from Sir, know bad you smell. Well, you know, i left my license at the crit. I could turn around go back there real quick. what I'm saying? But, sorry, I'm just going to my friend's house. You know i'm saying? he He up next to the 7-Eleven. He's like, yo, I didn't shoot that green bitch grito. That's CGI. I didn't do that.
Speaker: Wasn't me, officer. yeah know I'm a well-respected mercenary. Yeah. Yeah, my furry friend. ah Yeah, I fuck him, so what? Yeah. His whole ears get cleaned. So clean Yeah. ah So they run, and they get chased by troopers, and there's a gunfight. Luke and Leah, like, kind of get separated from them. They're at this fucking bridge, and they're are kind of trapped. They're getting shot at.
Speaker: Ain't no bridge, there ain't no bridge bridge, you know what saying? It's just, like, two ends of the bridge. Yeah, it's just no bridge. We're just stuck there on a cliff. the bridge That bridge ain't bridging. Nope. And they go right across on Luke's line, I wrote.
Speaker: Whatever. He's like Batman. He just has like a grappling hook out of nowhere. He gives her the gun. He's like, here, a Yeah, he gives her his gun, all Then she kisses him. Yeah, little kiss. She's like...
Speaker: Good luck, babe. Go get him, tiger. After you ride this line, I'm going to fucking ride you. ah And that our kid's going to come out retarded.
Speaker: do Ben Skywalker Jr. Adam Driver. ah this Obi-Wan and Darth Vader finally meet and they have a lightsaber duel. Pretty bad fight. Yeah. It's just like the guy who plays Darth Vader only has one move. It's kind of gay.
Speaker: The suit, he was like moving his whole body. I feel like he couldn't move. Yeah, it's fair. And my cat's fucking up my kitchen. The guy playing Obi-Wan is just hella old. ye did I don't know if you noticed, but like they didn't do a very good job on Vader's suit. Maybe it was the 4k, but like you could see like the imperfections in the plastic.
Speaker: It's Oh no, I couldn't tell it real quick. Yeah. Probably the 4k then. Uh, they all met by the Falcon and they see the stormtroopers running away because they see Obi-Wan and, uh, Vader fighting. Uh, this one, I'm corrected to OBJ.
Speaker: Odell's there shitting on people. He's like, hey, yo, Vader, sit down a minute. yo know He's trying to raise up the light. He's like, yo, girl, what's up? I play in the NFL. She's like, what's that? Yeah, you know. Hear me out. You shit on my chest.
Speaker: Get out of here. Stop it. i don't like that. Like, you're black? We don't have a lot of those. What are yeah what are you? What species are you? what planet are are you from? Are you with the rebellion? He's like, yeah, you could say we're a little rebellious.
Speaker: ah is Yeah, you know. you know. I ripped the set. Yavin 4, you know what's good?
Speaker: Yeah, I hold the gun sideways. What of it? What of it? Yeah, you know you might know my fucking uncle, go Lando Calrissian.
Speaker: Who? That's Big L. Don't worry, you'll meet him in like a couple years. Yeah. He's like, yeah, I low ride my ship.
Speaker: Uh... Got the tinted windows, you know what mean? It's already dark in space. They can't see in there. you know what mean? um Wow, this is weird. um So, and Vader slices fucking Ben in half, but just disappears. And then Luke's like,
Speaker: No! And then Ben like says some shit like, get out of here, Luke! Yeah, I wrote... i don't know what it said. Oh, I think it was supposed to say run, but it says, here's Ben in his head rubbed.
Speaker: Rub me, Luke. Rub me. Luke, rub yourself for Rub me. from me Rub. Rub, Luke. Rub it. Give me some strength. Fuck you. There you go. Feel the force.
Speaker: Too much force. Too much force. You're going to rip the skin off. ah On the ship, ah we see Luke being all sad. And they're escaping, but they're getting fucking attacked. So they have go with those little gun bubble-drawn things.
Speaker: You know what I'm talking about? Turrets. Turrets. They get attacked by TIE fires, but they're able to destroy them. Vader and Tarkin saying let them go because there's a beacon on their ship. Uh, and Leia knows it was too easy because there's a beacon and R2 has a readout Death Star.
Speaker: Uh, Hans has, uh, he's like, I'm done. I'm out of this shit. When'd you guys get to this fucking planet? You guys are gonna fucking, you know, have your fun. Fuck yourself. Yeah.
Speaker: And Hans is like, Hey, what do you think about Leia? And Luke's like, I'm good. And Hans like, well, you think, you know, me and Leia? Yeah. Yeah. No. You two? No way. You guys are going breed a fucking pussy Sith Lord.
Speaker: Yeah. And you're, I guess you're going to be like my stepbrother. And Hans is like, or Luke's like, yo, what do you think if I fuck my sister? like, what? No. Huh?
Speaker: He's like, yo, my sister got a fine little fucking thing on her. What do you think, bro? she I'm talking about? I saw her flick that shit. I like the way she talks to me. Yeah, you know? Um... I'll show her my Sarlacc pit. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, it is I mean, it is Sarlacc pit. So they get the Rebellion base and analyze the data. The Death Star is approaching Yavin 4, is it? Or is it just Yavin? Or the moon of Yavin?
Speaker: Yeah, it's Yavin 4. Yeah. yeah ah The commander of the base explains how to penetrate the outer defense system. ah And the Death Star will be in range about 30 minutes. You know, give it 30 minutes to bake. Be ready.
Speaker: You know? And if it's not here in 30 minutes, it's free. Yeah. Death Star delivery guarantee. Yeah. ah They're like, hey, if the pizza's not there, you won't be either.
Speaker: Blast get blown to fuck up. ah Yeah. ah You're about to call. It's like 29 and a half minutes. You're like, hey, my pizza?
Speaker: Boom. Just fucking going. Boom. Yeah. um Yeah, I'm paying for this. Yeah. They're like, hey, we don't care. we were bringing you a pizza anyways. Now take this fucking beam in your face. Yeah.
Speaker: ah Luke's about to board his own ship and he confronts Han for his leaving him. And Han's like, yeah I'm going. He's you should come with me, bro. You're pretty cool. He's like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You do do realize you said you were just going passenger. do you know what I just went through? Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: Yo, right. Kitty, shut up, bro. Come on. I'm recording over here. That was literally Darth Vader, brother. That's my dad, bro. yeah I knew he wasn't going to hurt us. That's dad. You know, cool. My fucking dad is.
Speaker: Yeah. So cool. Just killing tons and tons of people. Yeah. That guy's awesome. Yeah. He's like, I'm out, dude. uh he gets in his ship your dad total asshole all right yeah your mom fucking peace yeah obi-wan c uh sorry luke gets in his ship and obi-wan's like luke i'm ready for round two rub it robin rub it room uh it's gonna be a long flight luke they all take off yourself head yourself They take off and they're approaching the Death Star. We see Luke's ship get damaged.
Speaker: v Vader sends out some fighters. This fucking fat guy who has 30 seconds group time named Porkins dies. just stupid
Speaker: Obi-Wan tells Luke, he's like, Luke, I'm ready. Luke's like, shut up, man. Try to focus. Luke. Please, Luke. I gotta i gotta stay alive. Set my force ghost free, Luke. Okay.
Speaker: Force rip off my Force skin. You know what mean? Please. I need it off. Luke shoots a fighter down. Vader gets into his own ship and starts entering the battle. I forget the name of it.
Speaker: Yeah, it's some kind of fighter. Or no. I know Boba Fett. His ship is called Slave One. Hey, yo. His ship looks like a fucking ironing board. Or an iron. Yeah, it does.
Speaker: He made a brief cameo in this movie. Where? When Han was talking to Jabba. Oh, he's in the background. He's just standing there. Yeah, just looking him and mugging him. I'm like, hey, you're a cool guy. You're Mandalorian.
Speaker: Yeah. I got some midichlorians. Yeah, you should probably see a doctor about that. have his condition, my dick. ah Vader is out there. Luka shot again. we see this guy destroy a fighter.
Speaker: ah Three rebel shifts go in the shaft. And Vader's like, get the fuck out of my shaft, bro. Shoots them all down. My shaft. No one else's. One ship is almost in range to shoot and destroy the Death Star, but they miss.
Speaker: um So this fucking, you know, split teams and the Death Star is about a minute out and Vader is just destroying all these ships. Luke's like, I'm going in there full speed. i'm going right into dad's shaft full fucking speed.
Speaker: fucking shit If it fucking bends, I don't care. yeah ah Vader and crew is closing in. They shoot down Luke's backup. ah And Luke's about to shoot the shooter shot. Obi's like, Luke, I'm ready. Please.
Speaker: And he's like, is i use the force, Luke. ah So he turns off his computer and the base is like, Luke, what are you doing, bro? Need that computer shoot the fucking thing. He's like, yeah, shut up. R2 gets fucking head shotted.
Speaker: Fuck him. And the Death Star is in range for them to strike the planet. And Hans comes in and starts shooting these fucking TIE fires behind Luke and knocks Vader's ship out of range.
Speaker: Luke fires and blows up the Death Star. Obi's like, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. They get back to base. Luke, I want you to know like my kink is to get really rock hard and then run out of wall. Yeah.
Speaker: And see what's going to happen. Yeah. They all cheer for Luke and r two smoked out, but they're going fix him. And 3PM wants to donate his parts.
Speaker: the Yeah, wow. level They get a medal at the end of the movie R2 is fine. All his pieces are put back together, Humpty Dumpty style. That's my friend. I'm going to fuck him now. Yeah, going to anything.
Speaker: ah They get a medal and then I turned it off. Was there anything else? No, I turned it. No way. You turned off when I got the metal too. It's over. yeah And that Star Wars A New Hope, you know, I feel disingenuous putting this out because I just don't care about Star Wars anymore, but we did it.
Speaker: And it's done. And I think this movie's like a three star. Oh, three. Wow. Yeah. Wow. we um I think I might be a three and a half E. It's just kind of fine. You know, like there's not a lot of action, but I get like back in the day, this shit was like crazy revolutionary.
Speaker: It's impressive for its time for sure. It's just empire is like so much better.
Speaker: You have to wait until next year for that.
Speaker: Uh, so you gave it a three and a half or three and a half or yeah. Okay. Uh, Next week, we're reviewing Hocum. Hocus Pocus? Nope. Hocum, which I was supposed to go see last week, and then I couldn't go see it.
Speaker: But ah it's fine. Hocally, it's really good. I've heard good things. Good. Good things. Good things. don't like Michael Scott, but I guess I can get over it.
Speaker: And then ah we're we're out here we're out here doing shit. you know We're out here being guys. Guys doing guys, screens, whatever you want. We're doing it. Subscribe to the Patreon. We're going to record an episode on a mixed bag right now.
Speaker: ah And we'll we'll see you guys on Tuesday. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark. I'm going to stick a tie fire your butt.
