Introduction and Podcast Theme
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
00:00:34
Speaker
want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk? We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
00:00:53
Speaker
Hello and welcome
Review of 'Stuart Little': Cast and Plot Overview
00:00:54
Speaker
to episode 113 of the Two Guys, One Screen Podcast. 114. We're the hemorrhoid homies, the Poetown boys, and we're homos.
00:01:07
Speaker
Patreon probably fucking love what I did last week. We're not going to it again. And we're here to review Stuart. Hey, do you see squiggles? Because I don't.
00:01:20
Speaker
I see squiggles, yeah. Okay, i that as long as you do. Ja, I see these wiggles. Ja. Ja, Stuart. Ja, what are you talking about, Stuart?
00:01:31
Speaker
The mouse? Ja, little mouse. Little Stuart's got a little everything on him. is Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, after this fucking watching this movie, I'm not kissing that mouse.
00:01:43
Speaker
No. I'm not kissing him. You don't get a kiss from me. Um, this movie, ah I don't know the last time you watched it, but I couldn't tell you last time that I did, and this is an abomination.
00:01:56
Speaker
It's gotta be, like, before I even knew who Jennifer Tilly was. Spoiler. It's gotta be before I had pubes my cock. That's for sure. I've seen Stuart Little 2, like, a little more.
00:02:08
Speaker
There's Stuart Little 2 and 3, right? There's three of them? Yeah, I've never seen the third one. That's disgusting. That's literally disgusting. I had the Stuart Little 2 PlayStation 1 game, and I 100%ed that bitch back in the day.
00:02:20
Speaker
Hell yeah. That's something to fucking brag about. ah This movie is really bad. And I intentionally wrote the scene by scene really bad. But hopefully this doesn't turn into a Polar Express situation where we can still put it out.
00:02:35
Speaker
yeah we We need content. jobva We have nothing left to put. ah Because of this. For some reason, with kids' movies, we go crazy, and this is a kids' movie for sure.
00:02:47
Speaker
Yeah. ah Yeah, you know that book, Mouse with the Nazi Mice? Yeah. Yes, the Nazi Mice. They go to find the Jews. Stuart. Stuart. Come back to your hole.
00:03:01
Speaker
Stuart, we know you're in the closet.
00:03:06
Speaker
Stuart. We will throw the gas grenade in the closet, Stuart. Stuart. ah but
00:03:13
Speaker
ah We bring the chamber to you. It's a new thing we are trying out.
Critique of Plot Absurdity: Adopting a Mouse
00:03:20
Speaker
Gas the juice on the go. time Mobile gas chamber?
00:03:25
Speaker
Yeah. Don't worry. I have my F-250 to pull it. What's an F-250? Ford Yeah. we going to going american now yeah
00:03:42
Speaker
American men beat their ass. American mouse? No. no um American can mouse? Suck my tip,
00:03:56
Speaker
yeah This movie was ah directed by Rob Minkoff, yeah.
00:04:06
Speaker
so Yeah. This is Minkoff. And... he's He's kind of a nobody, right? I yeah i can't even see. He did The Lion King.
00:04:19
Speaker
Wait, he directed The Lion King? Yeah, he directed The Lion King in 1994.
00:04:26
Speaker
And then he also did, what is this? Mr. Peabody and Sherman, Rob Minkoff. Yeah. Oh, wait. Did he do the... Oh, he did the 2300 Mansion. If you go back and watch that, it's not good.
00:04:39
Speaker
Oh, yeah. It's the Peabody and Sherman. It's a little kid fucking his dog. Yeah. Yeah, but don't forget about Stuart Vito too. Stuart Vito too. Stuart Vito. Stuart. And then the Forbidden Kingdom. Is that when Stuart goes up my ass?
00:04:54
Speaker
Yeah. Stuwat? Stuwat, what are you doing in my ass?
00:05:01
Speaker
The cheese I ate this morning has already been digested. Stuwat, nein.
00:05:08
Speaker
uh so he directed this movie came out in 1999 crisp our good for our good friend chris benoit had not murdered his family yet and 9-11 had not happened yet shout out 9-11 yeah yes yeah let's do what came out december 99 little christmas and ah Benoit had lost his title. He had like five different ta-rains in 99. He was cooking, but his like his closest thing to it was he lost the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship ah for... Wow, he literally had it for one day. Huh, interesting. Before that, he was the WCW World Television Champion. What the fuck that means?
00:05:53
Speaker
That's a fucking made-up title, if I ever heard one. So, StuFot? According to the AI overview. Okay, gotta stop. ah It grossed over $300 million dollars in the box office worldwide against a $105 million dollars budget. That can't be right.
00:06:12
Speaker
Okay, so here's the cast. You got Michael J. Fox, who voices Stark.
Character Analysis with Comedic Takes
00:06:20
Speaker
I feel bad for this guy because he has some some disease now. He can't even fucking move. It's like... ah It's not like by God type shit, right? But it's like something like that. maps he He's a vegetable. Uh-uh.
00:06:33
Speaker
Maybe you've seen him in Back to the Future. Maybe you've seen him that? should go back to the future and annihilate this movie from existence. That'd be a good idea. ah i'm not I'm not fucking Stuart Little. Unfortunately.
00:06:47
Speaker
Are we fucking Michael J. Fox, though? No. No, okay. No, I think it's not fucking it. Sorry, pal. He ain't fucking it. You're a legend, but no.
00:06:59
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. Next, we have Gina Davis. jar ah Virginia Elizabeth Gina Davis. I would fucking give her my load. wonder why she goes by Gina.
00:07:12
Speaker
Yeah, her name is Mrs. Little in this movie, a.k.a. Mom in the notes cause I didn't write her name. Yeah, Mom getting dicked, yeah. She's getting dicked big. We have to stay consistent. where it Here it is.
00:07:26
Speaker
Next, we have Hugh Laurie who plays Mr. Little. This is the guy from House. He's literally House. ah House, not the mouse. ah I don't think I...
00:07:38
Speaker
Maybe I'd fuck this guy for the clout. Maybe. Maybe in this movie, his letterbox picture is like probably taken while he's still filming house and he looks mean and crippled. Yeah.
00:07:49
Speaker
Okay. So we're fucking him.
00:07:52
Speaker
My cat is in the pantry. We will be right back. Okay. And we're back and he is out of the closet. ah Next, we have Jonathan Lipnicki. Be careful there. He plays George. lo He's a little kid. We have to just move on. Can't say anything about him.
00:08:09
Speaker
ah But he comes back for Stuart Little too. Interesting. Shout out. Next we have Nathan Lane who voices Snowbell the cat. What did you think of the CGI of these cat mouths?
00:08:19
Speaker
So the cat mouths I thought were pretty good. Yeah, not horrible, right? The fucking mouse was horrible. Yeah. Yeah, it looked $105 million dollars and that's what you get.
00:08:34
Speaker
Suck it down. Yeah. Next we have Chaz Palminteri who voices Smokey. He's kind of a legend. Gotta to say he's ah a big legend. Usual suspects, a Bronx tale, big blind spot for me. Haven't seen it.
00:08:48
Speaker
And, uh, hoodwinked can't forget hoodwinked though. Your favorite movie of all time. Favorite movie of all time. Hoodwinked. He also is in little man. Um, next we have Steve Zahn who voices Monty.
00:09:01
Speaker
Uh, Sure. We're not fucking animals, so we're just going keep skipping these people. this This guy looks like the guy from Novocaine. Yeah, does. You're right. We'll just skip a couple of these. We'll go to Bruno Kirby, who voices Mr. Stout.
00:09:18
Speaker
Yeah, fake God Mouse. Yes, and then the fake mom Mouse is Jennifer Tilly, and we're fucking Jennifer Tilly regardless. Yeah, I'm fucking her in mouse form and human form. She can get fucking dicked.
00:09:29
Speaker
It's disturbing because she's like almost 70, and she looks amazing still. Yeah, she's sucking on baby fetuses or something to keep us off the line. I'm on fucking titties, all I know. ah There's also a guy named Jim Duggan in this movie, but it's not hacksaw Jim Duggan, which is sad. No hoes around here.
00:09:47
Speaker
Then we have Brian Doyle Murray who plays Cousin Edgar. i don't give a fuck by the rest of these people, I don't think. this is The rest of them are doesn't matter. Yeah. So this movie's bad, ah but we wanted to do it because... Oh, Gerald, tell them about your copy of Stuart Little. Oh, y'all are fucking jealous, all right?
00:10:06
Speaker
Yeah. Not that I you know just have it here, but not that you can see it. Yeah. Not that I've already seen it. Yeah. In my local, it was my local movie store in New Jersey.
00:10:18
Speaker
I was like, Stuart Little on Blu-ray. I'm going to buy it. And then i bought it.
00:10:26
Speaker
like okay yeah i'm good and then when i brought it home i flipped it over i fucking bought the stew event uh and then i looked at it and it is signed by none other than gina davis herself yeah i have i have gone on multiple like autograph websites to like actually look at her autograph to see if it's you know legit yeah job it's It's legit.
00:10:58
Speaker
That's what's up. What's I'm talking about? Shout out you. Horrible movie. Probably one of the worst movies I've seen in a while. agree But this, this will stay in the
Extended Jokes and Scene Critiques
00:11:08
Speaker
collection forever.
00:11:09
Speaker
Yeah, she could have rubbed her fucking pussy flap on that. You don't know. Yeah, when that little kid brought it up to her. o um um stewart uh so like i said i wrote these notes pretty bad and it's just jokes and we're just kidding because i know what i wrote and i'm just joking so okay here we go stud uh we're gonna do a scene by scene if you're new to this podcast slash we haven't really done one of these in a while i feel like um
00:11:45
Speaker
See his little boy wakes parents up in in their bed. It's George. And today's the day. is He's celebrating. ah My dick's growing bigger.
00:11:57
Speaker
Mommy, I got a hair. She's like, let me see it. Pull it out. ah They walk him to school and they... ah What did write? They teach him how to spit. What did I do?
00:12:16
Speaker
ah I don't know. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. there There's there's a different scene. I have no idea this is for, but I would teach him how to spit. Okay. well So then he tells, he's telling his parents got pick the right one. What are we talking about here? Yeah. What are we buying?
00:12:33
Speaker
Yeah. What are we buying? um And he then we find out that George wants a little bro, not a big bro. So that means that they're going to go adopt him a brother because I guess Gene Davis could just keep taking fucking loads and just not getting pregnant, which is pretty cool.
00:12:50
Speaker
That is cool. she got one. Unless they adopt George. Unless George is adopted. That's a good point. We never know. Um, where's that George spinoff movie? Yeah.
00:13:01
Speaker
Where's the, where's the spinoff movie, the prequel to this. And it's just, it's just fucking house trying to dump loads in Gina Davis and you can't get pregnant. Why is this working?
00:13:12
Speaker
There's something wrong here. i have to look at the files. Yeah. Oh, you're pussy scarred. yeah um I think you're just fucking beat, kid.
00:13:24
Speaker
ah So they go to an orphanage in New York City. ah And they meet Mrs. Keeper. And they said that they had... ah A tingling to adopt a kid. That's kind of fucking weird, I'll be honest. Who's saying they got a tingling adopt a kid? You know what I mean? How you doing? You know what, honey? i want a kid.
00:13:49
Speaker
Let's go get one. Right now. Yeah. So you go see these kids.
00:14:00
Speaker
um And all these kids, they're having a real good time in this orphanage, even though their parents are dead. You know, they're having a great time. don't usually think of orphanages as somewhere sad. Yeah.
00:14:11
Speaker
Uh... And I forgot who says what, but House is... By the way, their name is just House and Gina Davis because i don't they don't have actual names. House is just like... It honestly seems like they're having a reel and then Gina's like, good time?
00:14:27
Speaker
And Stewart's... Go ahead. Really cringy shit. Yeah. And then I guess Stewart's just sitting in between them. He's just like... awesome That's some fly pussy right there. Yeah, it is. David Cronenberg been in this shit.
00:14:43
Speaker
ah He thinks it's cute. They finish their sentences and they don't think it's weird at all that the rat can talk. So that's fine. sureer Is it normal for us to finish in each other's mouth
00:14:56
Speaker
Um... Yeah, and then he tells them how good Edith is at tap dancing and blowing bubbles. So, yeah, I mean, if you need a blower, Edith's your gal.
00:15:08
Speaker
um But they want a boy. And Stuart says, when you meet the right one, you'll just know. ah i need a man.
00:15:20
Speaker
For some reason, these parents end up adopting a mouse, which is fucking crazy. I mean, even like the, like the keeper ladies, like, are are you sure you're ready for this?
00:15:31
Speaker
Yeah. And then I wrote here because they go talk to her and she's like, we don't recommend adopting from a different species. And she goes like Mike Tyson goes species.
00:15:43
Speaker
We don't recommend this. ah Do you think they do that at like real orphanages? They're like, you know, you're white, right? Like little Jamal. don't know if that's for you.
00:15:54
Speaker
Jamal. piece Yeah, Lil' Jamal's a menace. Yeah. Lil' Jamal's already been a juvie. Yeah. Well, here was here was my thought, like, the whole point. Lil' Jamal's an orphan because he shot his parents. Are you sure? That's true. Why him?
00:16:11
Speaker
So, like, obviously they adopt Stuart because that's the whole movie, right? Stuart. So his name Stuart Little, right? But if, they like, say they got, like, they didn't have a white mouse. they had, like, a brown mouse, right?
00:16:22
Speaker
Do you think, like, Deshaun, his name would probably be, like, Deshaun Caldwell Bigger, right, instead of
00:16:31
Speaker
Little? Yeah. We are the Littles, but this is Bigger over here. This Bigger. That's my... I'm Bigger, bro. Yeah. my bigger yeah and they would still and they'd still have what the fuck is this kid's name they would still have uh lip nikki voice bigger yeah of course yeah my nikki's voice in the mouse uh so we get the credits And then I fast forward through credits. It took a long time. It's like this movie is 84 minutes. It's like six minutes is the credits. Right.
00:17:06
Speaker
And they get in a taxi and they tell Stuart that he has a brother. um And they get to the house, the little house that has an L on it because is for little.
00:17:17
Speaker
is for lick my balls. And every – Stuart, what are you doing on the streets? Yeah. We'll get there and to get there. Oh, we forgot to say that the writer for this movie is none other than M. Night Shyamalan.
00:17:34
Speaker
M. Night Shyamalan.
00:17:40
Speaker
And Gina Davis tells Stuart that every little in the house can find this house even if they've never been there before. Which doesn't matter. fuck does that mean? And then they show Stuart family photos. And then Stuart gets attacked by Snowbell the cat.
00:17:54
Speaker
ah And i wrote, Snowbell eats out Stuart. I mean, he's like, his little. And the house is like, Snowbell, you dropped that mouse right now. That is your fucking master.
00:18:08
Speaker
That's crazy, dude. ah and Stuart says that he looks somewhat like a mouse. Oh, this is when George meet meets his brother, who is a mouse. So George is like, where is he? And they're like, here he is. he's so He's literally standing on top of the coffee table right now, brother.
00:18:28
Speaker
Yeah, and... He's like, it's a mouse. He's like, I gotta go. And he goes downstairs. And then he shoots himself in the head. Right. like very good on stairs mouse They go downstairs and you just hear a fucking gunshot.
00:18:44
Speaker
Yeah. He fucking Kurt Cobain himself because brother's a mouse. He should have fucking Chris Benoit the whole thing. Yeah, right. ah He says that he's... The parents tell Stuart that he gets tired after school, but he gets real perky at dinner time.
00:18:59
Speaker
well What the fuck does that mean?
Comparative Commentary with Cultural References
00:19:01
Speaker
That's what they said. My fucking tits are fucking shooting out now at dinner time. got that meatloaf popping off.
00:19:09
Speaker
ah We cut to dinner and they and ah the Gina Davis is trying to tell George, like, ask Stuart a question. Ask him anything. He's like, can you pass the gravy? Stuart's like, oh shit.
00:19:21
Speaker
I can't lift that. No. Then they we cut to them tucking in Stuart. He has a whole ass human sized bed for a mouse. Like this man's he's set. He's ready to roll.
00:19:33
Speaker
Like the level of delusion these people have is crazy. I can't believe anybody signed on to do this. This is insane. I think it was a book before. That doesn't make it better. No, I know.
00:19:46
Speaker
ah Snowbell comes in and he's like, you up, Stuart? You down for some freaky shit, Stuart? I liked eating you out before. You want to play cat and mouse, huh?
00:19:57
Speaker
Yeah. I'll fucking chase you. Yeah. I'll pounce on you and give you my load. Um... Snowbell comes in and he's pissed because all he gets is a rag in the cut corner.
00:20:10
Speaker
That's what he gets. um And then I guess Stuart calls Snowbell his pet or like the family pet. He's like, I'm not your fucking pet, pal. Yeah. And he he walks away and shows him his hole.
00:20:26
Speaker
and Literally, he says, look at the hole. Yeah. And then he tells him to read his pink furry lips, which is crazy. And he tells Stuart to stay away from the windows.
00:20:38
Speaker
Mom's not in the room.
00:20:42
Speaker
ah The next day, ah Gina wakes up to the brothers and they gargle and spit together. They do. Yeah. They do. They're hock toing. um And then the mom is like, take your clothes off, George.
00:20:56
Speaker
And because she's doing the laundry. Yeah. Yeah. And so I don't know why you're telling your son to take his clothes off. fuck peto Yeah. Take your clothes off, George. Laundry day.
00:21:07
Speaker
Yeah, and he just, on the spot, he just takes his clothes off and they land on Stuart. He's not used to having it a little fucking toy as a pet. you know yeah know Not as a pet, as a brother.
00:21:20
Speaker
a little fucking vermin. yeah shoot of Are we shooting this one? Am I shooting Stuart? He's a nice boy.
00:21:31
Speaker
if he was But if he was up in Gene Davis' cooter, I kind of don't want to shoot him. i kind of want to sniff him first. Oh, well, yeah. I want to suck them off. Yeah. I want to see if any her and inside juices leaked onto Stuart. Well, yeah. The fur is going to absorb it, right? so Right. So I want i wanna to give that a nice sniff and then we can shoot him.
00:21:50
Speaker
Okay. okay and Potentially use Stuart as a flashlight. Potentially. depends how strong the smell is of Geena Davis on him. That's all we need to know. Yeah, that's disgusting. I even said that.
00:22:01
Speaker
you Gina got that strong tuna smell or she got like a nice puss smell, you know? it's like would do Yeah. What is her pH? Yeah. So once bitch or what? Get in the fucking balance beam, bitch. ah So George throws all of his fucking clothes with Stuart inside in the little laundry chute. I they're fucking rich. Yeah.
00:22:23
Speaker
And Stuart ends up in the laundry machine. And he's banging on the door to let him out. And Gian Davis is like, oh, i think someone's at the door. And she opens the front door. there's nobody there.
00:22:35
Speaker
um And the mom talks to the dad. And she's like, I think we should talk to George about his e rodent sibling. and like and the dad And the dad's like, why should we do that?
00:22:47
Speaker
I think it's completely normal. don't know, because his brother has a fucking mouse. His brother has fucking mouse. What is going on? and like You got your fucking delusional. so ah Then I wrote, Snowbell shows Stuart his asshole, and he says he's going to lick himself for hours.
00:23:04
Speaker
I mean, yo. My cats, they'd be spread eagle. like Their legs are like this, and they'd just be just licking it. Yeah, just going to town. Yeah, just licking that shit. I don't know if they're actually, like, they're not getting off. I think they're just cleaning.
00:23:17
Speaker
No, but he was going to get off the Stuart drowning in the washing That's for sure. Oh, yeah, he was. He liked that shit. He's going to be flicking his little cat tip. His little kitty lipstick dick, yeah. ah I wrote, dad goes to work. Mom finds son stuck in the washer. to What are you doing, son? It's Stuart.
00:23:39
Speaker
You're all wet in that washer. Mom, help me. If you help me, I can get up in crevices you haven't ever touched. ah Mom, I need mouth to mouth.
00:23:50
Speaker
mouthuse the Mouth to mouth. Uh, and they literally bring in a doctor to check on Stuart because he swallowed, he swallowed too much. That's the problem. They're swallowing detergent. Sometimes it's okay to be a spitter.
00:24:04
Speaker
Yeah. to her Sometimes you should quit Stuart. Uh, we cut and he's healthy. It's just like a cut and they're far away, but the mic sounds like they're right fucking here. And they're just like, I'm so happy you're healthy again.
00:24:21
Speaker
It's so stupid. The boom guy was having a bad day. He's like, the boom mic guy's like, how the fuck am I gonna get the mouse?
00:24:30
Speaker
I wonder what they had in place of the mouse because the entire movie, they're just looking at nothing. and They just had my fucking AirPods case, bro. It's a fucking mouse. will so Like a little like tape or something. They're like, Gina, Gina, this is the mouse.
00:24:49
Speaker
um So they want to go shopping. I thought it was a hotel. And George doesn't want to go shopping with a mouse. That's fair. I wouldn't either. And they see his boat in the window. And I guess that George and his dad were building a boat and he gave up because he doesn't to a loser. Well, guess what? You already are a fucking loser. Your brother's a fucking mouse.
00:25:10
Speaker
um And the dad tries to talk to George about spending quality time with the mouse. And he's like, no it's a mouse. um And then, ah oh, I forgot I wrote this. The dad the dad is talking to the son of about that he should do the race.
00:25:28
Speaker
And George says that he might lose, but the dad says he might he might win. And I wrote he might win, then grow up as an adult and come back and slaughter all the sand people that fucked his mom. What the fuck?
00:25:40
Speaker
You know how Anakin was in the pod race? We got the boat race. And maybe a couple of years, he has a lot of resentment for his parents having so much delusion thinking his mouse was his brother. And he comes back and murders them because, you know, who wouldn't want to run a train on Geena Davis? Right. So this is the real life Anakin right here.
00:26:02
Speaker
So then we see mom and Stuart looking for clothes for Stuart and this I mean, we'll just say it and he has these action figures or whatever. They're like Ken dolls.
00:26:13
Speaker
Yeah. And they give Stuart his little own baby changing room. How do they just have this at the ready like this? Also, what kind of privacy do you have behind the curtain? and I can just see over it. Yeah. yeah Yeah. so just What kind of piece you got there?
00:26:28
Speaker
Wow, Stuart, I've never seen your belly before. wow Oh my god, you don't have a belly button. I forgot your alive birth. Yeah. Your mommy mouse just popped you the fuck out. I still smell your mommy's fucking juices on you, Stuart. Oh my god. Mouse mouse juice?
00:26:47
Speaker
Yeah, I bet that's nice. I bet i bet i bet mice have birth right next where they fucking shit anyways, you know What i mean what
Recap and Comic Exaggeration of 'Stuart Little'
00:26:53
Speaker
do they do, yeah. Yeah. They're probably disgusting creature. Son, don't step two feet over. You're gonna get your neck snapped in that trap.
00:27:01
Speaker
No, don't eat that cheese. ah So anyways, they're looking for clothes and he has a he changes or whatever and The dad's like, you look like a little, like one of the family. And everyone's like, he looks like a little mouse. That's what he looks like. You look like-
00:27:23
Speaker
They do this stupid fucking family party thing and they gay they say little hi, little ho, little hey, little whatever. i don't even want to say because it's so gay. It's so gay. It's very gay. I don't get it. And they all brought gifts for the new the new member of the family and they introduce Stuart and he's a fucking mouse and the family's just like staring at for a minute. You go, all right, finally the delusion will end. No, it fucking won't.
00:27:47
Speaker
They're like, oh my God, he's so adorable. And they gift him a bowling ball, a whole ass bowling ball. What's this going to do with bowling ball? Literally crush himself to death. Yeah, probably.
00:27:59
Speaker
And a bike. So then George tweaks the fuck out because he's like, bro, you guys are acting crazy. It's literally a fucking mouse. Like not my brother.
00:28:11
Speaker
Why is the kid the only one with logical sense here? I don't know, but they also say that they also give him a fucked up baseball. He's like, me, Uncle Crenshaw, and your dad and I, we used to fucking throw this ball around, you know? We'd fuck around in the woods, show each other our dicks, who we were working with, throw this ball around stuff.
00:28:27
Speaker
You know? I'd say we sucked each other off, but... Yeah, yeah. But, you know, we were all sexually active and curious. So, there might be a little stroke action, but no fucking sucking. That's gay.
00:28:39
Speaker
Your father went into medical field so he could see more penises. yeah yeah
00:28:47
Speaker
ah So they all leave and then we cut to the nighttime and Gina Davis is asleep and she wakes up screaming and she found Stuart just up in her twat. Just up in there just fucking munching down that muff.
00:29:00
Speaker
She's like, oh my God, Stuart's in my fucking cunt.
00:29:06
Speaker
And Stuart tells them that he feels an empty space inside of him. And she's like, yeah, I do too. Get back up in there. Get the fuck up in there. Yeah. Dad never does like this. Yeah. Oh, you eat up better than my fucking husband. Oh my God. Just the fact that you could give me the plague is really getting me off.
00:29:24
Speaker
ah Oh, you've traced fucking strands of your DNA, the plague. Oh my God. That's so fucking hot. Oh, I could die. Fuck COVID. I want the black plague.
00:29:37
Speaker
oh Um, so anyways, he also wants to re meet his real mom and dad who are probably dead because you grew up in a fucking orphanage. i don't know if that clicked yet.
00:29:49
Speaker
Uh, it's an orphanage is for for an orphanage for dead kids. It's for a dead parents, kids. Yeah. It's not for like a foster home. Yeah. Right. So I'm talking to kids, friends. Yeah. Why are, why are you in the foster home? Oh,
00:30:10
Speaker
here we are yes She gave me the sucking of a lifetime and she died. Yeah. In my school, nonetheless. Yeah.
00:30:21
Speaker
No, the SWAT team just shot her. Yeah, they're like, oh my god. a mom is sucking a mouse. God, come quick.
00:30:31
Speaker
Yeah. bridge Yeah. National Guard. but ah human is sucking a mouse's penis. here as fast as you can.
00:30:43
Speaker
here quick. You've got to burn his asshole.
00:30:50
Speaker
Oh my god, he's bending over. We got about five seconds. Get the fucking commander in chief on the phone. need to fucking nuke this town.
00:31:02
Speaker
This lady just fucking licked this mouse's tank in the fuck over here. She's sucking on his tail.
00:31:12
Speaker
but my god, she's using it as a Q-tip. Get the fuck here now.
00:31:19
Speaker
Yeah. ah Oh, she's using this tail as a Q-tip. She just fucking sends him in their head first. He's just like, nyong, nyong, nyong on her fucking earwax. He's like, damn, Jeannie got a lot of earwax. She's like, shut up again, sign me. What the fuck up?
00:31:36
Speaker
Yeah. She uses fucking Stewart as a lawnmower clean her bush. Oh, my God. He bites that fucking string on the boat, man. I mean, you know, he's good for something. Get the buck teeth.
00:31:49
Speaker
Them buck teeth. ah We'll be right back after this ad break. Hello. You're now in an ad read. Gerald's sick of regurgitating the same lines at the beginning and the end of the episode. So here we are in the middle.
00:32:02
Speaker
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00:32:16
Speaker
We interrupt the ad read you're already already listening to, to plug another ad. Uh, and it's our Patreon. Check out our Patreon, two guys, one screen. We got uncensored episodes, a new show mixed bag,
00:32:31
Speaker
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00:32:42
Speaker
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00:32:54
Speaker
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00:33:12
Speaker
Click it and stick it. And now back to the episode. So Stewart's in Gene Davis's cooter. They're going they're going to, you know fucking try to meet his parents one day, though dead.
00:33:24
Speaker
um Then Stuart tries to be friends Snowball again. Doesn't work very well. ah And we meet ah one of Snowball's jerk-off fucking cat friends, Monty. And he wants to just, you know, get some free food off of Snowball.
00:33:40
Speaker
And basically Stuart's like trying to eat some goldfish that they call fish food. Right. And Monty sees the mouse and they he finds out that it's, a you know, Snowball's master, but even though it's a fucking mouse and he's a cat.
00:33:57
Speaker
Fucking laughs at him. So Snowball chases Stewart in frustration slash humiliation. And then they have this chase scene. He launches Stewart off an ironing board.
00:34:08
Speaker
ah And then ah he goes after Stewart and lands in the garbage. And then Stuart runs into George's room and ends up in an action figure set.
00:34:19
Speaker
It's a nice little setup they got. I mean, this kid's like, you can tell. Rich. Yeah, rich as fuck. ah Yeah, look at me. I'm John Vane. Boom, boom. oh Oh, this is the wrong time period. I'm used to the This is like the 1890s.
00:34:37
Speaker
this is like the eighteen ninety s
00:34:42
Speaker
My dad wasn't born yet, yeah. So Stuart asked to play, and he fake ties himself to the railroad track with his tail. That's kind of cute.
00:34:53
Speaker
Kinky, you're into getting tied up, Stuart? By yourself? You're tying yourself up, you little fucking fuck, you know? Yeah, not fucking sticking my cooter tied up. Oh my god. ah And then, like, he escapes the last minute.
00:35:05
Speaker
ah Then he Don't tie me up and stick me up there. Your uterol balls are going to suffocate me. and Break the balls down. There's no oxygen in your pussy. Yeah. ah Somebody call the Lionheart Chris Jericho. I'm going to suffocate.
00:35:22
Speaker
Did you see he did a fucking lion saw at, like, fucking... How old is he? 50? Yeah. He did one on AEW or some shit? Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. Shout to Chris Jericho. I have the button.
00:35:38
Speaker
He's kind of like jacked. Yeah. um So they play in this little toy car and then he sees the half done bow and George says he doesn't want to do anymore because he's too little and he's scared of losing.
00:35:55
Speaker
um And then Stuart's like, well, what if we work in the boat together? And then I will show you how to build the smokers.
00:36:06
Speaker
Just think, George, one step at a time, baby. And George is blonde, bro. That's exactly what they want. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, little Aryan boy, listen to my every-
00:36:23
Speaker
Listen to my every command. Yeah, get over here, little Aryan boy. zi i here We have to kill the transvestites.
00:36:37
Speaker
First, we take out all the boats. Then, we walk up to all of New York City. And then, the world. and I don't know how to break this to you, but I think you're fine.
00:36:51
Speaker
So, unfortunately, George, he's going to have to go too. This is a sacrifice you have to be willing to make. Uh, I have to say that this is very, like, the the inside their house and stuff is very, like, cat in the hat vibe.
00:37:05
Speaker
Right? Like, whimsical? Like, the wallpaper and, yeah. Uh, it's not as good as cat in the hat though. No. So, anyways, uh, He's like, let's build the boat.
00:37:17
Speaker
And he's like, I don't want a brother, but i do want a friend. we're not friends. Does that mean I can legally fuck you because we're just friends, not brothers?
00:37:32
Speaker
i don't even think it's incest anyway because he's a fucking mouse. It's just BCL at that point. yeah Also, it's not actual blood. It's just adoption. so Have at it, kid. Have at it. i mean You could get the plague in your dick, maybe, but who knows?
Humorous Conclusion and Film Summary
00:37:46
Speaker
what it is. ah Snowball Monty go to meet Smokey to take care of this mouse. um And Smokey's like, I'll take care of And he calls Snowbell Tinkerbell, which is kind of funny.
00:37:59
Speaker
We cut to the Central Park boat race. And their boat is the Wasp, which is a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant person and back in the day. Which is it really crazy. That's what a Wasp is, yeah. Wow.
00:38:11
Speaker
ah Which is by far the superior race. yeah So, and then there's...
00:38:21
Speaker
Anton, who is like the bully of the movie, but he's literally, I mean, you can't tell me he's not gay. Oh, yeah. But he's also in the movie for like five minutes. Stuart is holding the remote for the boat, but he can't.
00:38:32
Speaker
It's too big. It's bigger than he is. it's like fucking three times the size of him. ah It's like you three mouses. I see you have met my accomplice, Anton.
00:38:43
Speaker
Anton is here undercover because they would never sink. A gay is a Nazi. Yeah. We are working this mission together. And then when he's fighting them, he's like, why are you fighting my accomplice?
00:38:57
Speaker
Relax. He sucks dick good. I promise. Uh. So he drops the remote and some passerby steps on it. And then I just wrote randomly, Jeannie Davis looks hot.
00:39:10
Speaker
Just a random thought that I had. mean, she does. ah Dad comes over and he's like, let's go home. And Stewart decides he's going to sail the boat. So he gets up in the boat and I forgot I wrote this too.
00:39:25
Speaker
George sees him sail in the boat and he's like, he's like, Stewart, I want Oh. And Stuart's like, what? And he's like, tighten the mainsail. He's like, ah oh.
00:39:37
Speaker
Oh, right. Sorry. I thought you wanted anal. Oh, I could swore you said you wanted anal. Oh. It's not big enough. Yeah. Tighten my anus? What? Don't worry, Stuart. I'll fuck you.
00:39:52
Speaker
could be the bottom. No one has to know about show and tell when you're eating my mom out. Yeah, it's fine. We won't tell anybody. It's between me, you, and the counselor.
00:40:07
Speaker
Anton's boat is plowing their boats down. And then he gets his rod tangled with Stuart's rod. And they're all mixed. and Yeah, I just want to mix rods like I mix races into the chamber.
00:40:20
Speaker
and and Anton calls him a stupid rat and George starts fighting him. He's not a rat, he's man. He's my brother. a And then Anton loses control of the boat and because Stuart bites off one of the fucking mast fucking lines or whatever.
00:40:37
Speaker
Whatever they're called. and They do the little hi, little ho shit.
00:40:46
Speaker
ah They go home and take a family photo. You'd think they won the fucking lottery or something. Or like the fucking dad won the Nobel Peace Prize or some shit. You won a fucking boat race. Yeah, you won a fucking kid's boat race in Central Park where women get raped every day. Like, what are talking about? And you fucking cheated.
00:41:02
Speaker
Yeah. You had a fucking rap ah fucking mouse pilot in your ship. Yeah, what the fuck is this shit? ah They take a ah a family photo of Gene Davis can get fucked again. that you I guess I really wanted to fuck her. ah The doorbell rings and no one's there. And there's these little tiny mice that show up. They go, yeah, we're his father. And they're just like, yeah, we need get our son Mouse and give him some of the cheese.
00:41:30
Speaker
You know, ah we're going to take him back. We're going to teach him the ropes. You know, we got to yeah teach him how to make that pastrami sandwich. You know, it's going to be fine. They're like, Stuart, this is where we eat. This is also where we shit.
00:41:42
Speaker
You know, you just got to get used to the smell. But after a while, it gets fine it's fine. and You know, sometimes our tail our tails get tangled and we can't do anything about it. Oh, you know, you just one massive rat.
00:41:53
Speaker
You just bite your tip off. it It's fine. um So. The human parents want to talk to their mouth parents alone. when They send the kids off and George like, don't worry, mom will take care of this.
00:42:08
Speaker
It's just like if it stops a mud hole. I was trying to put my leg up like, oh, You want Stuart? You know you gotta do. You know what you wanna do? You wanna make that little fucking bean.
00:42:26
Speaker
Jennifer Tilly mouse form? Yeah. Yeah. You suck it, bitch. Yeah. yeah You know what time it is. Um. You fuck dolls? What's difference between... Yeah, who cares? Like, you know?
00:42:40
Speaker
Yeah. I'm way bigger than Chucker. Uh. So I guess the mouse parents tell them that like, oh, you know, he's going to have a space in his heart that's empty because you guys are humans.
00:42:53
Speaker
And she's like, I'm going to have a space. My kudos empty because you're taking him away from me. Who's going to fill that void? My fucking small dick husband can't do it. know. Who's going to do it? I get my fucking twat eight and he gets to use me like a sleeping bag. It's fine.
00:43:10
Speaker
You see, Stuart is into suffocation. Yeah. Don't worry, I let him breathe a little. Yeah, it's up to him, but he really likes to get up in there. He starts tinkling my fucking innards when he wants to get out.
00:43:25
Speaker
Yeah. ah So basically, they just let him fucking... They just let these fake parents take Stewart. ah And the mom was like, why are we just fucking like stomp them out or some shit? Like we're bigger than them anyways. And the dad's like, we can't do that. They're his parents.
00:43:43
Speaker
But what you're missing is it's an orphanage. His parents are fucking dead. ah So they give, they also give Stuart the little car. That's what was going to say next is George comes out and give him the little toy car and they drive off.
00:44:12
Speaker
They leave in the toy car. wait till you finish drinking because it's... Okay. They leave in the toy car supposed to be sad, but who cares? Where was the anal scene?
00:44:28
Speaker
what Well, it must be the extended director's cut. they're They're teaching the kid actor, this is how you fuck a CGI mouse. So we're going completely green screen me out, right? But you're gonna be fucking me in the ass. And then we're to fuck the little mouse.
00:44:48
Speaker
George, there's a hole here. You got to fuck this hole. But don't worry, we're going fucking put in a mouse. And don't worry about where it goes if it feels wet, if your dick comes out brown, you know.
00:44:59
Speaker
It doesn't matter. Just roll with it. ah Stewart's fake parents live on ah on a mini golf course. um We see Gina Davis cry because her she finds Stewart's little clothes in the washer. And she's like, no one's going to fucking eat my cooter like he does.
00:45:17
Speaker
ah Mrs. Keeper stops by to check in on the, on Gina Davis and dad. And she says there's been a terrible accident. And that Stewart's parents died under an unsteady pyramid of cans at the grocery store. It was cream of mushroom soup.
00:45:32
Speaker
That's a heavyre heavy Real heavy. Yeah. And they got, to they got ID'd by their dental record. What the fuck? we This is just delusion. This just is just, this is delusion. Dental record.
00:45:44
Speaker
ah And she doesn't want to tell Stuart. ah But she's like, this happened years ago. What do you mean?
00:45:55
Speaker
and ah Stuart is gone. He went with his parents already. We are going to incinerate the fake parents. ah
Final Thoughts and Audience Engagement
00:46:04
Speaker
Gina doesn't want to... Oh, she wants to go to the 5-0 because they kidnapped Stuart for all intents and purposes.
00:46:13
Speaker
detectives show up and they're like, how long your son been missing for? Like, listen, he's a mouse. Okay. He might be soaking wet from in my pussy still, but he's a mouse. He's a mouse nonetheless. And his anus might be stretched, but we don't know.
00:46:26
Speaker
But don't worry. he didn't abuse him. He wanted it. We love it. No, I actually woke up one night and he was just in my twat. Yeah. Right. So I just let him do whatever he wants, you know? Yeah. I just let him freestyle my pussy.
00:46:37
Speaker
My son's happy. I'm happy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whoever pays the bills. ah Only fans with Stewart and Geena Davis. Did Stewart ever tell you he has an OnlyFans?
00:46:51
Speaker
So, Snowbell's freaking out because he thinks this their plan to get rid of Stewart. And Smokey says they're going to scratch him out. The detectives are trying to get Prince from a mouse. This is crazy.
00:47:04
Speaker
And the mom and dads go downtown with the detective and they're downtown. The detective tells them that, listen, they don't want money from you. They probably fucking killed this mouse. or Let's just be honest. but He's dead.
00:47:14
Speaker
ah And he shows him the grizzly book, which would get it'd be funny if was just pictures of grizzly bears. This is a grizzly book. Uh, It'd also be funny because they showed him a photo. ah they They show him but like a picture and they go, oh, it was just Jeff Goldblum as the fly.
00:47:31
Speaker
and like oh my God. you It was like, oh, I tried to put that behind me. Come on. Yeah. got a new life, changed my name, Mary Dr. House, and now I just want my mouse back.
00:47:43
Speaker
It's crazy that that she's like, i had a chimp and now I have a mouse. Yeah. I can't choose which one I like better though. One won't pay child support and one eats my pussy good. but The yin and the yang.
00:48:05
Speaker
We cut and the mouse dad is telling Stuart they have to go take him for a ride to meet with some friends. But eventually they break down and tell him the truth that they were hired to pose as his parents.
00:48:16
Speaker
And they tell him to run because the cats are after Stuart.
00:48:21
Speaker
Gina and the dad get home from downtown and the whole extended family is there putting in an effort to look for Stuart. ah And the dad's like, look, son, this isn't going to work. He's a fucking mouse.
00:48:32
Speaker
ah But then he's like, your ads don't have a photo of Stuart on them. So they cut out Stuart's face of the family photo to use for these flyers. and Plastered them.
00:48:45
Speaker
Um... Lucky tells Smokey the fake parents gave in and they're going to go get him in Central Park. We see Stewart driving in the park and he enters a fork in the road or the path. It's fucking road. It's a path that that regular human beings walk on.
00:49:02
Speaker
Right. So he gets out and he goes, I'm a little lost. And then these cats show up and he takes off from the toy car and they chase him to the park. They end up in the sewer. Right.
00:49:13
Speaker
And the cats think that he's sleeping with the fishes, but he lived. That motherfucker lived. He breathed. And that cat, the cat, Stuart fucking is able to pull himself out of this the sewer and lands ah right across the street from the little hat ah house as they're leaving to go circle the the park looking for Stuart. Oh, my house.
00:49:37
Speaker
So Stuart goes into the house and he sees the cat, which is white, the best color. And, uh, the cat tells Stuart that there's been parties since he left. They're just celebrating without him.
00:49:49
Speaker
Um, and they, he showed him the family portrait and they just cut out his face. Um, but we see the family out actually putting out posters looking for Stuart. So Stuart leaves the house thinking the family actually never liked them. And then, uh,
00:50:06
Speaker
We cut to George just sitting in his fucking slippers and his robe waiting for the phone to ring. Stuart? Stuart is that you have eaten 20 gallons of ice cream, fucking jacked off into the ice cream about five different times. I just want you to come back and kiss my tip better.
00:50:21
Speaker
Please. ah Snowball gets told from Lucky that Stuart was spied and they're going to kill him. So they all go together and the cat's all... ah run and snowball runs out of breath because house cat but he finds stewart in a bird's nest getting ready to just settle in he's gonna get eaten but he's gonna get fucking pecked by a bird bro yeah you ever get pecked by a bird bitch ae we're on pace to be have one of the shortest episodes ever um fuck this movie even with the riffing it's short it's fine it's just how it is i lost my spot
00:51:00
Speaker
Oh, and then, ah so, Snowbell finds Stewart and ah basically tells him the cats are going to kill him. And then Stewart puts it that they know Snowbell.
00:51:14
Speaker
And Snowbell grabs Stewart and they think he's going to drop him to the cats to eat him. But he takes him to the top of the tree and he's like, Stewart, I just saw the way you climbed into Gina's ass and I just want that.
00:51:25
Speaker
i just want it. And I was jealous. And I was showing him the asshole because it was a sign. want you to fucking rail me, boy. want you to enter my asshole, please.
00:51:37
Speaker
So they climb to the top of the tree and he tells Stuart he wants him to fucking just get inside him. ah And then oh these cats are climbing the tree and Stuart uses Snowbell's as collar as like a fucking zip line. He goes down this tree and he's just hanging out by the tree on this branch.
00:51:56
Speaker
And the cats are trying to, like, fucking get him. And Smokey's pushing the branch down so they can, like, fucking, you know, snag his ass. And then ah there's too much weight on the branch and the cats are going to fall. And Snowbell pushes some pressure on the log and they all fall into the river. It's little river and they're cold.
00:52:15
Speaker
And pussy don't like water. No. But pussy do like cum. Yeah. And then...
00:52:23
Speaker
And then Stewart's talking about some bullshit that family sticks together. And then Smokey's going to fucking scratch Snowbell. And then don't even remember what happened. Oh, Stewart swats Smokey with a branch.
00:52:37
Speaker
And they go home and they get reunited with George and the family because George is a little sleepy boy, but he sees him in the window. And he's like, look, it's my rat in the window. then it's my little.
00:52:49
Speaker
He's back. He's back. And then they just go look at him in the window sill. And they don't even open the window. if And they finally open the window and they're like, Stuart, you're home.
00:53:01
Speaker
ah and then the end the movie ends. And then I guess that's it. That's it until the sequel. Yeah, until Stuart Little 2. Two cooters. And the sequel literally... Double chambers.
00:53:13
Speaker
Yeah. The sequel is about like this little bird, right? Little bird that could. They rescue this little bird who has a broken wing because she got into a fight with a falcon.
00:53:25
Speaker
and the whole movie is about Stuart helping this little bird fight the falcon. Is Geena Davis in the second one? Of course. Wow, that's crazy. that they're all in this They got them all back, too.
00:53:38
Speaker
In the third one, too, I think. Even Nathan
00:53:44
Speaker
Even Monty's back. yeah And Jim Duggan's back. Yeah, that fucking must have paid like a motherfucker. Honestly, dude. So, what are we going to rate this movie? I think I'm going to give it a one and a half.
00:54:02
Speaker
I think I might give it a one. This movie's real bad, guys. movie's fucking horrible, but it was a good time. i don't know what the... I don't even... Films? What do I have logged as ah as a one star? Sort by lowest first.
00:54:21
Speaker
Okay, so it's better than these movies. Hmm. Is it better or worse? It might be it might be a onet star.
00:54:32
Speaker
What's a one and a half that you were debating on?
00:54:36
Speaker
Well, I have Black Christmas, Mars Attacks, New Mutants, Halloween 3, Texas Chainsaw 2, Freddy Got Fingered, Lil' Nicky,
00:54:47
Speaker
one of the front one of the Friday the 13th movies, or I'm sorry, Freddy's Dead, The Final Nightmare, star and a half, Semi-Pro, Wayne the Pooh, Blood and Honey 2, ABC's a Death,
00:55:03
Speaker
Screamboat's a one and a half. Is this worse than Screamboat?
00:55:10
Speaker
I'd rather watch Screamboat again. Me too, probably. Another mouse movie? Oh, we liked to mouse. I like David Howard Thornton as a mouse better than fucking Michael J. Fox.
00:55:22
Speaker
Yeah. Feast I have as a one and a half.
00:55:28
Speaker
I have Three from Hell as a one and a half. So I guess I'll give it a one and a half. half Half. Captain Marvel. Star Wars episode one is one and a half. And that's the pod race. So that has to be the same movie. One and a half.
00:55:45
Speaker
One and a half. That's how it is. That's what we're going to give it. Okay. You little fucking cuties. Uh. Go check out our Patreon. We had a really great time. Kyle, if you're listening to the Pubby episode, go check out what we just recorded.
00:55:59
Speaker
yeah it but's a great time. you have to pay for it. Yeah, you do have to pay for Kyle. But it's about you. It's all about you and your whole life as a man being named Kyle.
00:56:09
Speaker
It's all about me. Next week, we're doing... A movie called One Hour Photo. ah That is great.
00:56:21
Speaker
It's an actual. Yeah, it's an actual good movie. va yeah Yes, and it features Robin Williams who killed himself, unfortunately. RIP Robin Williams, but it's probably one of his best performances in my opinion.
00:56:37
Speaker
So that's it. Go check out the Patreon. Go subscribe for $500 to get the Polar Express, which was way crazier than this was, which is a good thing.
00:56:47
Speaker
And then go flick your shit to us talking about mice flicking human shit. Yes, do that. And I also just want to say, because I forgot that I watched Joe Dirt and that movie's trash. And I went in a whole rampage about it on Patreon. The movie fucking sucks. if you like it, kindly stop listening to this podcast. I'm just kidding. We need the numbers. We need numbers, ah but fuck Joe Dirt.
00:57:14
Speaker
Joe Dirt's a horrible movie and I will not tolerate anything. So ah we'll see you on Tuesday. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark, gonna stick a fucking mouse in your ass.