Transcript
Speaker: I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
Speaker: Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
Speaker: We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
Speaker: I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
Speaker: Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
Speaker: Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
Speaker: want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk? We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
Speaker: Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Speaker: Hello and welcome to episode 113 of the Two Guys, One Screen Podcast. 114. We're the hemorrhoid homies, the Poetown boys, and we're homos.
Speaker: Patreon probably fucking love what I did last week. We're not going to it again. And we're here to review Stuart. Hey, do you see squiggles? Because I don't.
Speaker: I see squiggles, yeah. Okay, i that as long as you do. Ja, I see these wiggles. Ja. Ja, Stuart. Ja, what are you talking about, Stuart?
Speaker: The mouse? Ja, little mouse. Little Stuart's got a little everything on him. is Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, after this fucking watching this movie, I'm not kissing that mouse.
Speaker: No. I'm not kissing him. You don't get a kiss from me. Um, this movie, ah I don't know the last time you watched it, but I couldn't tell you last time that I did, and this is an abomination.
Speaker: It's gotta be, like, before I even knew who Jennifer Tilly was. Spoiler. It's gotta be before I had pubes my cock. That's for sure. I've seen Stuart Little 2, like, a little more.
Speaker: There's Stuart Little 2 and 3, right? There's three of them? Yeah, I've never seen the third one. That's disgusting. That's literally disgusting. I had the Stuart Little 2 PlayStation 1 game, and I 100%ed that bitch back in the day.
Speaker: Hell yeah. That's something to fucking brag about. ah This movie is really bad. And I intentionally wrote the scene by scene really bad. But hopefully this doesn't turn into a Polar Express situation where we can still put it out.
Speaker: yeah we We need content. jobva We have nothing left to put. ah Because of this. For some reason, with kids' movies, we go crazy, and this is a kids' movie for sure.
Speaker: Yeah. ah Yeah, you know that book, Mouse with the Nazi Mice? Yeah. Yes, the Nazi Mice. They go to find the Jews. Stuart. Stuart. Come back to your hole.
Speaker: Stuart, we know you're in the closet.
Speaker: Stuart. We will throw the gas grenade in the closet, Stuart. Stuart. ah but
Speaker: ah We bring the chamber to you. It's a new thing we are trying out. Gas the juice on the go. time Mobile gas chamber?
Speaker: Yeah. Don't worry. I have my F-250 to pull it. What's an F-250? Ford Yeah. we going to going american now yeah
Speaker: American men beat their ass. American mouse? No. no um American can mouse? Suck my tip,
Speaker: yeah This movie was ah directed by Rob Minkoff, yeah.
Speaker: so Yeah. This is Minkoff. And... he's He's kind of a nobody, right? I yeah i can't even see. He did The Lion King.
Speaker: Wait, he directed The Lion King? Yeah, he directed The Lion King in 1994.
Speaker: And then he also did, what is this? Mr. Peabody and Sherman, Rob Minkoff. Yeah. Oh, wait. Did he do the... Oh, he did the 2300 Mansion. If you go back and watch that, it's not good.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. It's the Peabody and Sherman. It's a little kid fucking his dog. Yeah. Yeah, but don't forget about Stuart Vito too. Stuart Vito too. Stuart Vito. Stuart. And then the Forbidden Kingdom. Is that when Stuart goes up my ass?
Speaker: Yeah. Stuwat? Stuwat, what are you doing in my ass?
Speaker: The cheese I ate this morning has already been digested. Stuwat, nein.
Speaker: uh so he directed this movie came out in 1999 crisp our good for our good friend chris benoit had not murdered his family yet and 9-11 had not happened yet shout out 9-11 yeah yes yeah let's do what came out december 99 little christmas and ah Benoit had lost his title. He had like five different ta-rains in 99. He was cooking, but his like his closest thing to it was he lost the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship ah for... Wow, he literally had it for one day. Huh, interesting. Before that, he was the WCW World Television Champion. What the fuck that means?
Speaker: That's a fucking made-up title, if I ever heard one. So, StuFot? According to the AI overview. Okay, gotta stop. ah It grossed over $300 million dollars in the box office worldwide against a $105 million dollars budget. That can't be right.
Speaker: Okay, so here's the cast. You got Michael J. Fox, who voices Stark. I feel bad for this guy because he has some some disease now. He can't even fucking move. It's like... ah It's not like by God type shit, right? But it's like something like that. maps he He's a vegetable. Uh-uh.
Speaker: Maybe you've seen him in Back to the Future. Maybe you've seen him that? should go back to the future and annihilate this movie from existence. That'd be a good idea. ah i'm not I'm not fucking Stuart Little. Unfortunately.
Speaker: Are we fucking Michael J. Fox, though? No. No, okay. No, I think it's not fucking it. Sorry, pal. He ain't fucking it. You're a legend, but no.
Speaker: He ain't fucking it. Next, we have Gina Davis. jar ah Virginia Elizabeth Gina Davis. I would fucking give her my load. wonder why she goes by Gina.
Speaker: Yeah, her name is Mrs. Little in this movie, a.k.a. Mom in the notes cause I didn't write her name. Yeah, Mom getting dicked, yeah. She's getting dicked big. We have to stay consistent. where it Here it is.
Speaker: Next, we have Hugh Laurie who plays Mr. Little. This is the guy from House. He's literally House. ah House, not the mouse. ah I don't think I...
Speaker: Maybe I'd fuck this guy for the clout. Maybe. Maybe in this movie, his letterbox picture is like probably taken while he's still filming house and he looks mean and crippled. Yeah.
Speaker: Okay. So we're fucking him.
Speaker: My cat is in the pantry. We will be right back. Okay. And we're back and he is out of the closet. ah Next, we have Jonathan Lipnicki. Be careful there. He plays George. lo He's a little kid. We have to just move on. Can't say anything about him.
Speaker: ah But he comes back for Stuart Little too. Interesting. Shout out. Next we have Nathan Lane who voices Snowbell the cat. What did you think of the CGI of these cat mouths?
Speaker: So the cat mouths I thought were pretty good. Yeah, not horrible, right? The fucking mouse was horrible. Yeah. Yeah, it looked $105 million dollars and that's what you get.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Suck it down. Yeah. Next we have Chaz Palminteri who voices Smokey. He's kind of a legend. Gotta to say he's ah a big legend. Usual suspects, a Bronx tale, big blind spot for me. Haven't seen it.
Speaker: And, uh, hoodwinked can't forget hoodwinked though. Your favorite movie of all time. Favorite movie of all time. Hoodwinked. He also is in little man. Um, next we have Steve Zahn who voices Monty.
Speaker: Uh, Sure. We're not fucking animals, so we're just going keep skipping these people. this This guy looks like the guy from Novocaine. Yeah, does. You're right. We'll just skip a couple of these. We'll go to Bruno Kirby, who voices Mr. Stout.
Speaker: Yeah, fake God Mouse. Yes, and then the fake mom Mouse is Jennifer Tilly, and we're fucking Jennifer Tilly regardless. Yeah, I'm fucking her in mouse form and human form. She can get fucking dicked.
Speaker: It's disturbing because she's like almost 70, and she looks amazing still. Yeah, she's sucking on baby fetuses or something to keep us off the line. I'm on fucking titties, all I know. ah There's also a guy named Jim Duggan in this movie, but it's not hacksaw Jim Duggan, which is sad. No hoes around here.
Speaker: Then we have Brian Doyle Murray who plays Cousin Edgar. i don't give a fuck by the rest of these people, I don't think. this is The rest of them are doesn't matter. Yeah. So this movie's bad, ah but we wanted to do it because... Oh, Gerald, tell them about your copy of Stuart Little. Oh, y'all are fucking jealous, all right?
Speaker: Yeah. Not that I you know just have it here, but not that you can see it. Yeah. Not that I've already seen it. Yeah. In my local, it was my local movie store in New Jersey.
Speaker: I was like, Stuart Little on Blu-ray. I'm going to buy it. And then i bought it.
Speaker: like okay yeah i'm good and then when i brought it home i flipped it over i fucking bought the stew event uh and then i looked at it and it is signed by none other than gina davis herself yeah i have i have gone on multiple like autograph websites to like actually look at her autograph to see if it's you know legit yeah job it's It's legit.
Speaker: That's what's up. What's I'm talking about? Shout out you. Horrible movie. Probably one of the worst movies I've seen in a while. agree But this, this will stay in the collection forever.
Speaker: Yeah, she could have rubbed her fucking pussy flap on that. You don't know. Yeah, when that little kid brought it up to her. o um um stewart uh so like i said i wrote these notes pretty bad and it's just jokes and we're just kidding because i know what i wrote and i'm just joking so okay here we go stud uh we're gonna do a scene by scene if you're new to this podcast slash we haven't really done one of these in a while i feel like um
Speaker: See his little boy wakes parents up in in their bed. It's George. And today's the day. is He's celebrating. ah My dick's growing bigger.
Speaker: Mommy, I got a hair. She's like, let me see it. Pull it out. ah They walk him to school and they... ah What did write? They teach him how to spit. What did I do?
Speaker: ah I don't know. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. there There's there's a different scene. I have no idea this is for, but I would teach him how to spit. Okay. well So then he tells, he's telling his parents got pick the right one. What are we talking about here? Yeah. What are we buying?
Speaker: Yeah. What are we buying? um And he then we find out that George wants a little bro, not a big bro. So that means that they're going to go adopt him a brother because I guess Gene Davis could just keep taking fucking loads and just not getting pregnant, which is pretty cool.
Speaker: That is cool. she got one. Unless they adopt George. Unless George is adopted. That's a good point. We never know. Um, where's that George spinoff movie? Yeah.
Speaker: Where's the, where's the spinoff movie, the prequel to this. And it's just, it's just fucking house trying to dump loads in Gina Davis and you can't get pregnant. Why is this working?
Speaker: There's something wrong here. i have to look at the files. Yeah. Oh, you're pussy scarred. yeah um I think you're just fucking beat, kid.
Speaker: ah So they go to an orphanage in New York City. ah And they meet Mrs. Keeper. And they said that they had... ah A tingling to adopt a kid. That's kind of fucking weird, I'll be honest. Who's saying they got a tingling adopt a kid? You know what I mean? How you doing? You know what, honey? i want a kid.
Speaker: Let's go get one. Right now. Yeah. So you go see these kids.
Speaker: um And all these kids, they're having a real good time in this orphanage, even though their parents are dead. You know, they're having a great time. don't usually think of orphanages as somewhere sad. Yeah.
Speaker: Uh... And I forgot who says what, but House is... By the way, their name is just House and Gina Davis because i don't they don't have actual names. House is just like... It honestly seems like they're having a reel and then Gina's like, good time?
Speaker: And Stewart's... Go ahead. Really cringy shit. Yeah. And then I guess Stewart's just sitting in between them. He's just like... awesome That's some fly pussy right there. Yeah, it is. David Cronenberg been in this shit.
Speaker: ah He thinks it's cute. They finish their sentences and they don't think it's weird at all that the rat can talk. So that's fine. sureer Is it normal for us to finish in each other's mouth
Speaker: Um... Yeah, and then he tells them how good Edith is at tap dancing and blowing bubbles. So, yeah, I mean, if you need a blower, Edith's your gal.
Speaker: um But they want a boy. And Stuart says, when you meet the right one, you'll just know. ah i need a man.
Speaker: For some reason, these parents end up adopting a mouse, which is fucking crazy. I mean, even like the, like the keeper ladies, like, are are you sure you're ready for this?
Speaker: Yeah. And then I wrote here because they go talk to her and she's like, we don't recommend adopting from a different species. And she goes like Mike Tyson goes species.
Speaker: We don't recommend this. ah Do you think they do that at like real orphanages? They're like, you know, you're white, right? Like little Jamal. don't know if that's for you.
Speaker: Jamal. piece Yeah, Lil' Jamal's a menace. Yeah. Lil' Jamal's already been a juvie. Yeah. Well, here was here was my thought, like, the whole point. Lil' Jamal's an orphan because he shot his parents. Are you sure? That's true. Why him?
Speaker: So, like, obviously they adopt Stuart because that's the whole movie, right? Stuart. So his name Stuart Little, right? But if, they like, say they got, like, they didn't have a white mouse. they had, like, a brown mouse, right?
Speaker: Do you think, like, Deshaun, his name would probably be, like, Deshaun Caldwell Bigger, right, instead of
Speaker: Little? Yeah. We are the Littles, but this is Bigger over here. This Bigger. That's my... I'm Bigger, bro. Yeah. my bigger yeah and they would still and they'd still have what the fuck is this kid's name they would still have uh lip nikki voice bigger yeah of course yeah my nikki's voice in the mouse uh so we get the credits And then I fast forward through credits. It took a long time. It's like this movie is 84 minutes. It's like six minutes is the credits. Right.
Speaker: And they get in a taxi and they tell Stuart that he has a brother. um And they get to the house, the little house that has an L on it because is for little.
Speaker: is for lick my balls. And every – Stuart, what are you doing on the streets? Yeah. We'll get there and to get there. Oh, we forgot to say that the writer for this movie is none other than M. Night Shyamalan.
Speaker: M. Night Shyamalan.
Speaker: And Gina Davis tells Stuart that every little in the house can find this house even if they've never been there before. Which doesn't matter. fuck does that mean? And then they show Stuart family photos. And then Stuart gets attacked by Snowbell the cat.
Speaker: ah And i wrote, Snowbell eats out Stuart. I mean, he's like, his little. And the house is like, Snowbell, you dropped that mouse right now. That is your fucking master.
Speaker: That's crazy, dude. ah and Stuart says that he looks somewhat like a mouse. Oh, this is when George meet meets his brother, who is a mouse. So George is like, where is he? And they're like, here he is. he's so He's literally standing on top of the coffee table right now, brother.
Speaker: Yeah, and... He's like, it's a mouse. He's like, I gotta go. And he goes downstairs. And then he shoots himself in the head. Right. like very good on stairs mouse They go downstairs and you just hear a fucking gunshot.
Speaker: Yeah. He fucking Kurt Cobain himself because brother's a mouse. He should have fucking Chris Benoit the whole thing. Yeah, right. ah He says that he's... The parents tell Stuart that he gets tired after school, but he gets real perky at dinner time.
Speaker: well What the fuck does that mean? That's what they said. My fucking tits are fucking shooting out now at dinner time. got that meatloaf popping off.
Speaker: ah We cut to dinner and they and ah the Gina Davis is trying to tell George, like, ask Stuart a question. Ask him anything. He's like, can you pass the gravy? Stuart's like, oh shit.
Speaker: I can't lift that. No. Then they we cut to them tucking in Stuart. He has a whole ass human sized bed for a mouse. Like this man's he's set. He's ready to roll.
Speaker: Like the level of delusion these people have is crazy. I can't believe anybody signed on to do this. This is insane. I think it was a book before. That doesn't make it better. No, I know.
Speaker: ah Snowbell comes in and he's like, you up, Stuart? You down for some freaky shit, Stuart? I liked eating you out before. You want to play cat and mouse, huh?
Speaker: Yeah. I'll fucking chase you. Yeah. I'll pounce on you and give you my load. Um... Snowbell comes in and he's pissed because all he gets is a rag in the cut corner.
Speaker: That's what he gets. um And then I guess Stuart calls Snowbell his pet or like the family pet. He's like, I'm not your fucking pet, pal. Yeah. And he he walks away and shows him his hole.
Speaker: and Literally, he says, look at the hole. Yeah. And then he tells him to read his pink furry lips, which is crazy. And he tells Stuart to stay away from the windows.
Speaker: Mom's not in the room.
Speaker: ah The next day, ah Gina wakes up to the brothers and they gargle and spit together. They do. Yeah. They do. They're hock toing. um And then the mom is like, take your clothes off, George.
Speaker: And because she's doing the laundry. Yeah. Yeah. And so I don't know why you're telling your son to take his clothes off. fuck peto Yeah. Take your clothes off, George. Laundry day.
Speaker: Yeah, and he just, on the spot, he just takes his clothes off and they land on Stuart. He's not used to having it a little fucking toy as a pet. you know yeah know Not as a pet, as a brother.
Speaker: a little fucking vermin. yeah shoot of Are we shooting this one? Am I shooting Stuart? He's a nice boy.
Speaker: if he was But if he was up in Gene Davis' cooter, I kind of don't want to shoot him. i kind of want to sniff him first. Oh, well, yeah. I want to suck them off. Yeah. I want to see if any her and inside juices leaked onto Stuart. Well, yeah. The fur is going to absorb it, right? so Right. So I want i wanna to give that a nice sniff and then we can shoot him.
Speaker: Okay. okay and Potentially use Stuart as a flashlight. Potentially. depends how strong the smell is of Geena Davis on him. That's all we need to know. Yeah, that's disgusting. I even said that.
Speaker: you Gina got that strong tuna smell or she got like a nice puss smell, you know? it's like would do Yeah. What is her pH? Yeah. So once bitch or what? Get in the fucking balance beam, bitch. ah So George throws all of his fucking clothes with Stuart inside in the little laundry chute. I they're fucking rich. Yeah.
Speaker: And Stuart ends up in the laundry machine. And he's banging on the door to let him out. And Gian Davis is like, oh, i think someone's at the door. And she opens the front door. there's nobody there.
Speaker: um And the mom talks to the dad. And she's like, I think we should talk to George about his e rodent sibling. and like and the dad And the dad's like, why should we do that?
Speaker: I think it's completely normal. don't know, because his brother has a fucking mouse. His brother has fucking mouse. What is going on? and like You got your fucking delusional. so ah Then I wrote, Snowbell shows Stuart his asshole, and he says he's going to lick himself for hours.
Speaker: I mean, yo. My cats, they'd be spread eagle. like Their legs are like this, and they'd just be just licking it. Yeah, just going to town. Yeah, just licking that shit. I don't know if they're actually, like, they're not getting off. I think they're just cleaning.
Speaker: No, but he was going to get off the Stuart drowning in the washing That's for sure. Oh, yeah, he was. He liked that shit. He's going to be flicking his little cat tip. His little kitty lipstick dick, yeah. ah I wrote, dad goes to work. Mom finds son stuck in the washer. to What are you doing, son? It's Stuart.
Speaker: You're all wet in that washer. Mom, help me. If you help me, I can get up in crevices you haven't ever touched. ah Mom, I need mouth to mouth.
Speaker: mouthuse the Mouth to mouth. Uh, and they literally bring in a doctor to check on Stuart because he swallowed, he swallowed too much. That's the problem. They're swallowing detergent. Sometimes it's okay to be a spitter.
Speaker: Yeah. to her Sometimes you should quit Stuart. Uh, we cut and he's healthy. It's just like a cut and they're far away, but the mic sounds like they're right fucking here. And they're just like, I'm so happy you're healthy again.
Speaker: It's so stupid. The boom guy was having a bad day. He's like, the boom mic guy's like, how the fuck am I gonna get the mouse?
Speaker: I wonder what they had in place of the mouse because the entire movie, they're just looking at nothing. and They just had my fucking AirPods case, bro. It's a fucking mouse. will so Like a little like tape or something. They're like, Gina, Gina, this is the mouse.
Speaker: oh ah
Speaker: um So they want to go shopping. I thought it was a hotel. And George doesn't want to go shopping with a mouse. That's fair. I wouldn't either. And they see his boat in the window. And I guess that George and his dad were building a boat and he gave up because he doesn't to a loser. Well, guess what? You already are a fucking loser. Your brother's a fucking mouse.
Speaker: um And the dad tries to talk to George about spending quality time with the mouse. And he's like, no it's a mouse. um And then, ah oh, I forgot I wrote this. The dad the dad is talking to the son of about that he should do the race.
Speaker: And George says that he might lose, but the dad says he might he might win. And I wrote he might win, then grow up as an adult and come back and slaughter all the sand people that fucked his mom. What the fuck?
Speaker: You know how Anakin was in the pod race? We got the boat race. And maybe a couple of years, he has a lot of resentment for his parents having so much delusion thinking his mouse was his brother. And he comes back and murders them because, you know, who wouldn't want to run a train on Geena Davis? Right. So this is the real life Anakin right here.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: So then we see mom and Stuart looking for clothes for Stuart and this I mean, we'll just say it and he has these action figures or whatever. They're like Ken dolls.
Speaker: Yeah. And they give Stuart his little own baby changing room. How do they just have this at the ready like this? Also, what kind of privacy do you have behind the curtain? and I can just see over it. Yeah. yeah Yeah. so just What kind of piece you got there?
Speaker: Wow, Stuart, I've never seen your belly before. wow Oh my god, you don't have a belly button. I forgot your alive birth. Yeah. Your mommy mouse just popped you the fuck out. I still smell your mommy's fucking juices on you, Stuart. Oh my god. Mouse mouse juice?
Speaker: Yeah, I bet that's nice. I bet i bet i bet mice have birth right next where they fucking shit anyways, you know What i mean what do they do, yeah. Yeah. They're probably disgusting creature. Son, don't step two feet over. You're gonna get your neck snapped in that trap.
Speaker: No, don't eat that cheese. ah So anyways, they're looking for clothes and he has a he changes or whatever and The dad's like, you look like a little, like one of the family. And everyone's like, he looks like a little mouse. That's what he looks like. You look like-
Speaker: They do this stupid fucking family party thing and they gay they say little hi, little ho, little hey, little whatever. i don't even want to say because it's so gay. It's so gay. It's very gay. I don't get it. And they all brought gifts for the new the new member of the family and they introduce Stuart and he's a fucking mouse and the family's just like staring at for a minute. You go, all right, finally the delusion will end. No, it fucking won't.
Speaker: They're like, oh my God, he's so adorable. And they gift him a bowling ball, a whole ass bowling ball. What's this going to do with bowling ball? Literally crush himself to death. Yeah, probably.
Speaker: And a bike. So then George tweaks the fuck out because he's like, bro, you guys are acting crazy. It's literally a fucking mouse. Like not my brother.
Speaker: Why is the kid the only one with logical sense here? I don't know, but they also say that they also give him a fucked up baseball. He's like, me, Uncle Crenshaw, and your dad and I, we used to fucking throw this ball around, you know? We'd fuck around in the woods, show each other our dicks, who we were working with, throw this ball around stuff.
Speaker: You know? I'd say we sucked each other off, but... Yeah, yeah. But, you know, we were all sexually active and curious. So, there might be a little stroke action, but no fucking sucking. That's gay.
Speaker: Your father went into medical field so he could see more penises. yeah yeah
Speaker: ah So they all leave and then we cut to the nighttime and Gina Davis is asleep and she wakes up screaming and she found Stuart just up in her twat. Just up in there just fucking munching down that muff.
Speaker: She's like, oh my God, Stuart's in my fucking cunt.
Speaker: And Stuart tells them that he feels an empty space inside of him. And she's like, yeah, I do too. Get back up in there. Get the fuck up in there. Yeah. Dad never does like this. Yeah. Oh, you eat up better than my fucking husband. Oh my God. Just the fact that you could give me the plague is really getting me off.
Speaker: ah Oh, you've traced fucking strands of your DNA, the plague. Oh my God. That's so fucking hot. Oh, I could die. Fuck COVID. I want the black plague.
Speaker: oh Um, so anyways, he also wants to re meet his real mom and dad who are probably dead because you grew up in a fucking orphanage. i don't know if that clicked yet.
Speaker: Uh, it's an orphanage is for for an orphanage for dead kids. It's for a dead parents, kids. Yeah. It's not for like a foster home. Yeah. Right. So I'm talking to kids, friends. Yeah. Why are, why are you in the foster home? Oh,
Speaker: here we are yes She gave me the sucking of a lifetime and she died. Yeah. In my school, nonetheless. Yeah.
Speaker: No, the SWAT team just shot her. Yeah, they're like, oh my god. a mom is sucking a mouse. God, come quick.
Speaker: Yeah. bridge Yeah. National Guard. but ah human is sucking a mouse's penis. here as fast as you can.
Speaker: here quick. You've got to burn his asshole.
Speaker: Oh my god, he's bending over. We got about five seconds. Get the fucking commander in chief on the phone. need to fucking nuke this town.
Speaker: This lady just fucking licked this mouse's tank in the fuck over here. She's sucking on his tail.
Speaker: but my god, she's using it as a Q-tip. Get the fuck here now.
Speaker: Yeah. ah Oh, she's using this tail as a Q-tip. She just fucking sends him in their head first. He's just like, nyong, nyong, nyong on her fucking earwax. He's like, damn, Jeannie got a lot of earwax. She's like, shut up again, sign me. What the fuck up?
Speaker: Yeah. She uses fucking Stewart as a lawnmower clean her bush. Oh, my God. He bites that fucking string on the boat, man. I mean, you know, he's good for something. Get the buck teeth.
Speaker: Them buck teeth. ah We'll be right back after this ad break. Hello. You're now in an ad read. Gerald's sick of regurgitating the same lines at the beginning and the end of the episode. So here we are in the middle.
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Speaker: Click it and stick it. And now back to the episode. So Stewart's in Gene Davis's cooter. They're going they're going to, you know fucking try to meet his parents one day, though dead.
Speaker: um Then Stuart tries to be friends Snowball again. Doesn't work very well. ah And we meet ah one of Snowball's jerk-off fucking cat friends, Monty. And he wants to just, you know, get some free food off of Snowball.
Speaker: And basically Stuart's like trying to eat some goldfish that they call fish food. Right. And Monty sees the mouse and they he finds out that it's, a you know, Snowball's master, but even though it's a fucking mouse and he's a cat.
Speaker: Fucking laughs at him. So Snowball chases Stewart in frustration slash humiliation. And then they have this chase scene. He launches Stewart off an ironing board.
Speaker: ah And then ah he goes after Stewart and lands in the garbage. And then Stuart runs into George's room and ends up in an action figure set.
Speaker: It's a nice little setup they got. I mean, this kid's like, you can tell. Rich. Yeah, rich as fuck. ah Yeah, look at me. I'm John Vane. Boom, boom. oh Oh, this is the wrong time period. I'm used to the This is like the 1890s.
Speaker: this is like the eighteen ninety s
Speaker: My dad wasn't born yet, yeah. So Stuart asked to play, and he fake ties himself to the railroad track with his tail. That's kind of cute.
Speaker: Kinky, you're into getting tied up, Stuart? By yourself? You're tying yourself up, you little fucking fuck, you know? Yeah, not fucking sticking my cooter tied up. Oh my god. ah And then, like, he escapes the last minute.
Speaker: ah Then he Don't tie me up and stick me up there. Your uterol balls are going to suffocate me. and Break the balls down. There's no oxygen in your pussy. Yeah. ah Somebody call the Lionheart Chris Jericho. I'm going to suffocate.
Speaker: Did you see he did a fucking lion saw at, like, fucking... How old is he? 50? Yeah. He did one on AEW or some shit? Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. Shout to Chris Jericho. I have the button.
Speaker: He's kind of like jacked. Yeah. um So they play in this little toy car and then he sees the half done bow and George says he doesn't want to do anymore because he's too little and he's scared of losing.
Speaker: um And then Stuart's like, well, what if we work in the boat together? And then I will show you how to build the smokers.
Speaker: Just think, George, one step at a time, baby. And George is blonde, bro. That's exactly what they want. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, little Aryan boy, listen to my every-
Speaker: Listen to my every command. Yeah, get over here, little Aryan boy. zi i here We have to kill the transvestites.
Speaker: First, we take out all the boats. Then, we walk up to all of New York City. And then, the world. and I don't know how to break this to you, but I think you're fine.
Speaker: So, unfortunately, George, he's going to have to go too. This is a sacrifice you have to be willing to make. Uh, I have to say that this is very, like, the the inside their house and stuff is very, like, cat in the hat vibe.
Speaker: Right? Like, whimsical? Like, the wallpaper and, yeah. Uh, it's not as good as cat in the hat though. No. So, anyways, uh, He's like, let's build the boat.
Speaker: And he's like, I don't want a brother, but i do want a friend. we're not friends. Does that mean I can legally fuck you because we're just friends, not brothers?
Speaker: i don't even think it's incest anyway because he's a fucking mouse. It's just BCL at that point. yeah Also, it's not actual blood. It's just adoption. so Have at it, kid. Have at it. i mean You could get the plague in your dick, maybe, but who knows?
Speaker: It is what it is. ah Snowball Monty go to meet Smokey to take care of this mouse. um And Smokey's like, I'll take care of And he calls Snowbell Tinkerbell, which is kind of funny.
Speaker: We cut to the Central Park boat race. And their boat is the Wasp, which is a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant person and back in the day. Which is it really crazy. That's what a Wasp is, yeah. Wow.
Speaker: ah Which is by far the superior race. yeah So, and then there's...
Speaker: Anton, who is like the bully of the movie, but he's literally, I mean, you can't tell me he's not gay. Oh, yeah. But he's also in the movie for like five minutes. Stuart is holding the remote for the boat, but he can't.
Speaker: It's too big. It's bigger than he is. it's like fucking three times the size of him. ah It's like you three mouses. I see you have met my accomplice, Anton.
Speaker: Anton is here undercover because they would never sink. A gay is a Nazi. Yeah. We are working this mission together. And then when he's fighting them, he's like, why are you fighting my accomplice?
Speaker: Relax. He sucks dick good. I promise. Uh. So he drops the remote and some passerby steps on it. And then I just wrote randomly, Jeannie Davis looks hot.
Speaker: Just a random thought that I had. mean, she does. ah Dad comes over and he's like, let's go home. And Stewart decides he's going to sail the boat. So he gets up in the boat and I forgot I wrote this too.
Speaker: George sees him sail in the boat and he's like, he's like, Stewart, I want Oh. And Stuart's like, what? And he's like, tighten the mainsail. He's like, ah oh.
Speaker: Oh, right. Sorry. I thought you wanted anal. Oh, I could swore you said you wanted anal. Oh. It's not big enough. Yeah. Tighten my anus? What? Don't worry, Stuart. I'll fuck you.
Speaker: could be the bottom. No one has to know about show and tell when you're eating my mom out. Yeah, it's fine. We won't tell anybody. It's between me, you, and the counselor.
Speaker: Anton's boat is plowing their boats down. And then he gets his rod tangled with Stuart's rod. And they're all mixed. and Yeah, I just want to mix rods like I mix races into the chamber.
Speaker: and and Anton calls him a stupid rat and George starts fighting him. He's not a rat, he's man. He's my brother. a And then Anton loses control of the boat and because Stuart bites off one of the fucking mast fucking lines or whatever.
Speaker: Whatever they're called. and They do the little hi, little ho shit.
Speaker: ah They go home and take a family photo. You'd think they won the fucking lottery or something. Or like the fucking dad won the Nobel Peace Prize or some shit. You won a fucking boat race. Yeah, you won a fucking kid's boat race in Central Park where women get raped every day. Like, what are talking about? And you fucking cheated.
Speaker: Yeah. You had a fucking rap ah fucking mouse pilot in your ship. Yeah, what the fuck is this shit? ah They take a ah a family photo of Gene Davis can get fucked again. that you I guess I really wanted to fuck her. ah The doorbell rings and no one's there. And there's these little tiny mice that show up. They go, yeah, we're his father. And they're just like, yeah, we need get our son Mouse and give him some of the cheese.
Speaker: You know, ah we're going to take him back. We're going to teach him the ropes. You know, we got to yeah teach him how to make that pastrami sandwich. You know, it's going to be fine. They're like, Stuart, this is where we eat. This is also where we shit.
Speaker: You know, you just got to get used to the smell. But after a while, it gets fine it's fine. and You know, sometimes our tail our tails get tangled and we can't do anything about it. Oh, you know, you just one massive rat.
Speaker: You just bite your tip off. it It's fine. um So. The human parents want to talk to their mouth parents alone. when They send the kids off and George like, don't worry, mom will take care of this.
Speaker: It's just like if it stops a mud hole. I was trying to put my leg up like, oh, You want Stuart? You know you gotta do. You know what you wanna do? You wanna make that little fucking bean.
Speaker: Jennifer Tilly mouse form? Yeah. Yeah. You suck it, bitch. Yeah. yeah You know what time it is. Um. You fuck dolls? What's difference between... Yeah, who cares? Like, you know?
Speaker: Yeah. I'm way bigger than Chucker. Uh. So I guess the mouse parents tell them that like, oh, you know, he's going to have a space in his heart that's empty because you guys are humans.
Speaker: And she's like, I'm going to have a space. My kudos empty because you're taking him away from me. Who's going to fill that void? My fucking small dick husband can't do it. know. Who's going to do it? I get my fucking twat eight and he gets to use me like a sleeping bag. It's fine.
Speaker: You see, Stuart is into suffocation. Yeah. Don't worry, I let him breathe a little. Yeah, it's up to him, but he really likes to get up in there. He starts tinkling my fucking innards when he wants to get out.
Speaker: Yeah. ah So basically, they just let him fucking... They just let these fake parents take Stewart. ah And the mom was like, why are we just fucking like stomp them out or some shit? Like we're bigger than them anyways. And the dad's like, we can't do that. They're his parents.
Speaker: But what you're missing is it's an orphanage. His parents are fucking dead. ah So they give, they also give Stuart the little car. That's what was going to say next is George comes out and give him the little toy car and they drive off.
Speaker: ah And, uh,
Speaker: de did do write
Speaker: They leave in the toy car. wait till you finish drinking because it's... Okay. They leave in the toy car supposed to be sad, but who cares? Where was the anal scene?
Speaker: but
Speaker: what Well, it must be the extended director's cut. they're They're teaching the kid actor, this is how you fuck a CGI mouse. So we're going completely green screen me out, right? But you're gonna be fucking me in the ass. And then we're to fuck the little mouse.
Speaker: George, there's a hole here. You got to fuck this hole. But don't worry, we're going fucking put in a mouse. And don't worry about where it goes if it feels wet, if your dick comes out brown, you know.
Speaker: It doesn't matter. Just roll with it. ah Stewart's fake parents live on ah on a mini golf course. um We see Gina Davis cry because her she finds Stewart's little clothes in the washer. And she's like, no one's going to fucking eat my cooter like he does.
Speaker: ah Mrs. Keeper stops by to check in on the, on Gina Davis and dad. And she says there's been a terrible accident. And that Stewart's parents died under an unsteady pyramid of cans at the grocery store. It was cream of mushroom soup.
Speaker: That's a heavyre heavy Real heavy. Yeah. And they got, to they got ID'd by their dental record. What the fuck? we This is just delusion. This just is just, this is delusion. Dental record.
Speaker: ah And she doesn't want to tell Stuart. ah But she's like, this happened years ago. What do you mean?
Speaker: and ah Stuart is gone. He went with his parents already. We are going to incinerate the fake parents. ah Gina doesn't want to... Oh, she wants to go to the 5-0 because they kidnapped Stuart for all intents and purposes.
Speaker: detectives show up and they're like, how long your son been missing for? Like, listen, he's a mouse. Okay. He might be soaking wet from in my pussy still, but he's a mouse. He's a mouse nonetheless. And his anus might be stretched, but we don't know.
Speaker: But don't worry. he didn't abuse him. He wanted it. We love it. No, I actually woke up one night and he was just in my twat. Yeah. Right. So I just let him do whatever he wants, you know? Yeah. I just let him freestyle my pussy.
Speaker: My son's happy. I'm happy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whoever pays the bills. ah Only fans with Stewart and Geena Davis. Did Stewart ever tell you he has an OnlyFans?
Speaker: So, Snowbell's freaking out because he thinks this their plan to get rid of Stewart. And Smokey says they're going to scratch him out. The detectives are trying to get Prince from a mouse. This is crazy.
Speaker: And the mom and dads go downtown with the detective and they're downtown. The detective tells them that, listen, they don't want money from you. They probably fucking killed this mouse. or Let's just be honest. but He's dead.
Speaker: ah And he shows him the grizzly book, which would get it'd be funny if was just pictures of grizzly bears. This is a grizzly book. Uh, It'd also be funny because they showed him a photo. ah they They show him but like a picture and they go, oh, it was just Jeff Goldblum as the fly.
Speaker: and like oh my God. you It was like, oh, I tried to put that behind me. Come on. Yeah. got a new life, changed my name, Mary Dr. House, and now I just want my mouse back.
Speaker: It's crazy that that she's like, i had a chimp and now I have a mouse. Yeah. I can't choose which one I like better though. One won't pay child support and one eats my pussy good. but The yin and the yang.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: We cut and the mouse dad is telling Stuart they have to go take him for a ride to meet with some friends. But eventually they break down and tell him the truth that they were hired to pose as his parents.
Speaker: And they tell him to run because the cats are after Stuart.
Speaker: Gina and the dad get home from downtown and the whole extended family is there putting in an effort to look for Stuart. ah And the dad's like, look, son, this isn't going to work. He's a fucking mouse.
Speaker: ah But then he's like, your ads don't have a photo of Stuart on them. So they cut out Stuart's face of the family photo to use for these flyers. and Plastered them.
Speaker: Um... Lucky tells Smokey the fake parents gave in and they're going to go get him in Central Park. We see Stewart driving in the park and he enters a fork in the road or the path. It's fucking road. It's a path that that regular human beings walk on.
Speaker: Right. So he gets out and he goes, I'm a little lost. And then these cats show up and he takes off from the toy car and they chase him to the park. They end up in the sewer. Right.
Speaker: And the cats think that he's sleeping with the fishes, but he lived. That motherfucker lived. He breathed. And that cat, the cat, Stuart fucking is able to pull himself out of this the sewer and lands ah right across the street from the little hat ah house as they're leaving to go circle the the park looking for Stuart. Oh, my house.
Speaker: So Stuart goes into the house and he sees the cat, which is white, the best color. And, uh, the cat tells Stuart that there's been parties since he left. They're just celebrating without him.
Speaker: Um, and they, he showed him the family portrait and they just cut out his face. Um, but we see the family out actually putting out posters looking for Stuart. So Stuart leaves the house thinking the family actually never liked them. And then, uh,
Speaker: We cut to George just sitting in his fucking slippers and his robe waiting for the phone to ring. Stuart? Stuart is that you have eaten 20 gallons of ice cream, fucking jacked off into the ice cream about five different times. I just want you to come back and kiss my tip better.
Speaker: Please. ah Snowball gets told from Lucky that Stuart was spied and they're going to kill him. So they all go together and the cat's all... ah run and snowball runs out of breath because house cat but he finds stewart in a bird's nest getting ready to just settle in he's gonna get eaten but he's gonna get fucking pecked by a bird bro yeah you ever get pecked by a bird bitch ae we're on pace to be have one of the shortest episodes ever um fuck this movie even with the riffing it's short it's fine it's just how it is i lost my spot
Speaker: Oh, and then, ah so, Snowbell finds Stewart and ah basically tells him the cats are going to kill him. And then Stewart puts it that they know Snowbell.
Speaker: And Snowbell grabs Stewart and they think he's going to drop him to the cats to eat him. But he takes him to the top of the tree and he's like, Stewart, I just saw the way you climbed into Gina's ass and I just want that.
Speaker: i just want it. And I was jealous. And I was showing him the asshole because it was a sign. want you to fucking rail me, boy. want you to enter my asshole, please.
Speaker: So they climb to the top of the tree and he tells Stuart he wants him to fucking just get inside him. ah And then oh these cats are climbing the tree and Stuart uses Snowbell's as collar as like a fucking zip line. He goes down this tree and he's just hanging out by the tree on this branch.
Speaker: And the cats are trying to, like, fucking get him. And Smokey's pushing the branch down so they can, like, fucking, you know, snag his ass. And then ah there's too much weight on the branch and the cats are going to fall. And Snowbell pushes some pressure on the log and they all fall into the river. It's little river and they're cold.
Speaker: And pussy don't like water. No. But pussy do like cum. Yeah. And then...
Speaker: And then Stewart's talking about some bullshit that family sticks together. And then Smokey's going to fucking scratch Snowbell. And then don't even remember what happened. Oh, Stewart swats Smokey with a branch.
Speaker: And they go home and they get reunited with George and the family because George is a little sleepy boy, but he sees him in the window. And he's like, look, it's my rat in the window. then it's my little.
Speaker: He's back. He's back. And then they just go look at him in the window sill. And they don't even open the window. if And they finally open the window and they're like, Stuart, you're home.
Speaker: ah and then the end the movie ends. And then I guess that's it. That's it until the sequel. Yeah, until Stuart Little 2. Two cooters. And the sequel literally... Double chambers.
Speaker: Yeah. The sequel is about like this little bird, right? Little bird that could. They rescue this little bird who has a broken wing because she got into a fight with a falcon.
Speaker: and the whole movie is about Stuart helping this little bird fight the falcon. Is Geena Davis in the second one? Of course. Wow, that's crazy. that they're all in this They got them all back, too.
Speaker: In the third one, too, I think. Even Nathan
Speaker: Even Monty's back. yeah And Jim Duggan's back. Yeah, that fucking must have paid like a motherfucker. Honestly, dude. So, what are we going to rate this movie? I think I'm going to give it a one and a half.
Speaker: I think I might give it a one. This movie's real bad, guys. movie's fucking horrible, but it was a good time. i don't know what the... I don't even... Films? What do I have logged as ah as a one star? Sort by lowest first.
Speaker: Okay, so it's better than these movies. Hmm. Is it better or worse? It might be it might be a onet star.
Speaker: What's a one and a half that you were debating on?
Speaker: Well, I have Black Christmas, Mars Attacks, New Mutants, Halloween 3, Texas Chainsaw 2, Freddy Got Fingered, Lil' Nicky,
Speaker: one of the front one of the Friday the 13th movies, or I'm sorry, Freddy's Dead, The Final Nightmare, star and a half, Semi-Pro, Wayne the Pooh, Blood and Honey 2, ABC's a Death,
Speaker: Screamboat's a one and a half. Is this worse than Screamboat?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'd rather watch Screamboat again. Me too, probably. Another mouse movie? Oh, we liked to mouse. I like David Howard Thornton as a mouse better than fucking Michael J. Fox.
Speaker: Yeah. Feast I have as a one and a half.
Speaker: I have Three from Hell as a one and a half. So I guess I'll give it a one and a half. half Half. Captain Marvel. Star Wars episode one is one and a half. And that's the pod race. So that has to be the same movie. One and a half.
Speaker: One and a half. That's how it is. That's what we're going to give it. Okay. You little fucking cuties. Uh. Go check out our Patreon. We had a really great time. Kyle, if you're listening to the Pubby episode, go check out what we just recorded.
Speaker: yeah it but's a great time. you have to pay for it. Yeah, you do have to pay for Kyle. But it's about you. It's all about you and your whole life as a man being named Kyle.
Speaker: It's all about me. Next week, we're doing... A movie called One Hour Photo. ah That is great.
Speaker: It's an actual. Yeah, it's an actual good movie. va yeah Yes, and it features Robin Williams who killed himself, unfortunately. RIP Robin Williams, but it's probably one of his best performances in my opinion.
Speaker: So that's it. Go check out the Patreon. Go subscribe for $500 to get the Polar Express, which was way crazier than this was, which is a good thing.
Speaker: And then go flick your shit to us talking about mice flicking human shit. Yes, do that. And I also just want to say, because I forgot that I watched Joe Dirt and that movie's trash. And I went in a whole rampage about it on Patreon. The movie fucking sucks. if you like it, kindly stop listening to this podcast. I'm just kidding. We need the numbers. We need numbers, ah but fuck Joe Dirt.
Speaker: Joe Dirt's a horrible movie and I will not tolerate anything. So ah we'll see you on Tuesday. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark, gonna stick a fucking mouse in your ass.
