Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
EP. 117 Hokum (2026)
2 Plays3 seconds ago
Follow us on Instagram!
Become a member of our Patreon!!
Our Tik Tok page is live!
Email the pod at 2guys1screenpod@gmail.com
Leave us a voicemail to be answered on the pod! 508-834-7847
Check out our Youtube Page for clips!
Recommended
Transcript
Humorous Introduction and Crude Nicknames
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
00:00:34
Speaker
want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk?
00:00:40
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes. Hello and welcome to episode 117 of the Two Guys, One Screen podcast. The hemorrhoid homies, the diarrhea daddies, the po-town boys.
00:01:00
Speaker
You know what the fuck it is. We're here. You know what's actually crazy? Now that you mention it, that little bit. Yeah. I was watching this guy like this guy on like Instagram Reels.
00:01:11
Speaker
He was messing around with like this this AI thing. Yeah. It's Grok. You heard of that one? Oh, Grok goes crazy. Yeah. I'll get dirty with you. Yeah. This guy was like talking to like this little rabbit and he just started like flaming him or something. Not a rabbit, like a tiger.
00:01:27
Speaker
So just to mess around, like I went on there and I was like, yeah what do you know about two guys, one screen? Are we recognized? Yeah. Yeah, apparently. But the guy was like talking about like, yeah, they're the diarrhea daddies. like Oh, wow. That's fucking awesome. ChatGPT doesn't know us, but Grok does. Shout out to Grok. Shout out to Elon.
00:01:50
Speaker
I mean, pretty much it was basically just talking about like our
Recognition by Grok AI
00:01:55
Speaker
intro. That was kind kind of the only thing that it was like pulling from. the The old one or the new one? it The new one.
00:02:02
Speaker
Oh, the new one. Yeah. That was like... That was a good smack with a bedpan. Yeah, I was like, do you know any like two guys one screen quotes? And yeah was like so he was like, they really want to play football. and I was like... yeah but That's awesome. It was like, you'll never get this one.
00:02:20
Speaker
Nick has shaft hair. And I was like, thanks. Oh, wow. That's fucking sick. That's really cool that Grok knows us. They dropped your last name, which I think it's just on the thing.
00:02:31
Speaker
If you go to Apple Podcasts, my name my last name's there. Yeah. they Did they say it right? It did, yeah. I was surprised. that' sure That is shocking because a lot of people get it wrong. I had to have it like phonetically put in for the for our high school graduation, which is 10 years ago, so it gives a shit. Right. but yeah ah Interesting. Go on Grok and ask about two guys, one screen.
00:02:52
Speaker
but ah
Movie Review Setup: 'Hocum'
00:02:54
Speaker
We're here today to review this movie, Hocum, that came out this year this month. It did come out this year. ah Two weeks ago at this when you're listening to it. I went and tried to go see this movie about two weeks ago.
00:03:05
Speaker
and Then... ah I got a phone call and and right as the lights went down, the movie started, I got a a phone call from an important person at my job who typically doesn't call me that much. And I was like, I better take this one.
00:03:17
Speaker
This one seems important. So I stepped out and 45 minutes later, the phone call was over. ah And then I went sat in the theater just like even try. And it's right after, ah what's his name? Jerry, the guy who had fucking nut outside with the beard.
00:03:36
Speaker
When Jerry and Adam Scott's character go inside to look for the lady. That's what I walked into. saying going it So then going to see it today, I was like, why the fuck did they even try? ah Yeah, so today was today was better, I guess. Besides, you know, had to go to AMC and their coke sucks. So fuck you, AMC. Still flat?
00:04:00
Speaker
Yeah, i went to the I went to the one that i typically go to that's like down the street, and that one was bad. I've i've been flaming Boston Commons for the longest time, but now it's a different one that i don't want to say. Actually, you know what? i'm moving, so fuck you. The one in assembly row, one sucks.
00:04:13
Speaker
All right. You all suck. Yeah. Also, there was a couple just in my seat. So I was like, I didn't have the energy to even be like, hey, I need you to move. I just sat in different seat, hope no one walked in.
00:04:24
Speaker
Yeah. And then this real fat guy came in. I mean, like, I'm talking like three of Jake. Like, fat, fat guy walked in. guy Yeah, and he's walking across. Like, you know how, like, when you come in, the theater's broken into, like, the front part and the back part?
00:04:38
Speaker
Yeah. He's walking across the front. He's just staring at me. I'm just like, his glasses on. Like, I in a seat? and i'm ah I'm thinking a couple of things. I'm like, am I in a seat?
00:04:49
Speaker
Is he going to make it up the stairs? Are we going to have to call an ambulance? What's going to happen? the podcast Yeah. do I mean, hopefully the the fans don't know what I look like. at The fans, the fans are our friends. They know i look like.
00:05:00
Speaker
yeah ah they They know exactly what I look like.
Initial Impressions and Director Discussion
00:05:05
Speaker
But then nothing happened. So that was fucking cute. this movie is is directed by Damian McCarthy who did Oddity did you ever end up seeing Oddity no yeah I saw it last year when it came out or two years ago fuck two years ago at this point I'm just getting old and it seems you were lukewarm yeah that's a spoiler for this movie
00:05:34
Speaker
Oh, really? Yeah, lukewarm. I have to say the opening scene when Adam Scott's character's in his house, I swear to God, the same house they filmed Oddity in.
00:05:45
Speaker
Oh, really? like I was like, is am I watching Oddity again? just with adam scott See, the very first thing that like they show in the movie, I was like, am I in the right theater? Oh, yeah. Well, besides the desert. Yeah, the desert scene. Yeah. Besides that, I also was like, because, you know, I also the same thought because there's someone in my seat and then I'm watching fucking Prince of Arabia or the fuck it's called. I was like, am I watching like the Taliban initiation? What's what's going on here? Yeah. Why is he?
Actor Performance Critiques
00:06:13
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. He looked like. Yeah, you're not wrong. Why does he want to do this kid like that? But oddity is a odd is pretty mid. Um, we'll go over your cast.
00:06:26
Speaker
The names are kind of wild, but I think it's because it's supposed to be in Ireland. Yeah, but like Adam Scott's character is not from Ireland. Adam Scott, by the way, who you notoriously hate.
00:06:37
Speaker
Yeah, I don't like him. I gotta say, I did... Go ahead. I liked him in this, but and I just don't find him funny or like, you know, anything like that. Yeah, he kind of looks like a bird a little bit.
00:06:50
Speaker
Yeah, he's not... He's like old guy, but like not like a good looking guy. That makes any sense. I did not like him in this movie, so we'll talk about that.
00:07:05
Speaker
Oh, okay. ah But he is the main character in the film. He plays Om. Om Bauman. I honestly start calling him fucking Navarro Bowman. I don't know. Fucking dumbass name.
00:07:19
Speaker
He was in The Monkey for about 30 seconds. Check out our review on that. Or don't. He was also in Krampus. i would seek rent I would suggest listening to Krampus if you could.
00:07:29
Speaker
You know, if you can get through it. The audio's cursed. Yeah, it's fine. we didn't know what we were doing, but if you listen to the first minute, it's pretty funny. ah I don't remember him in Madame White, but I guess he was in Madame White. movie's fucking horrible. Don't even waste your time with that.
00:07:45
Speaker
And then obviously Step Brothers, I think, is like the big one that everyone knows him for. And TV. He's big in TV. Big. Yeah, I feel like that's like... His main jaw on, right? His TV shows, but like, don't really watch TV shows.
00:07:58
Speaker
Me neither. He's in that one, that what's that one called? Severance? Yeah, it's on now, right? It's big now. Severance. Couldn't tell anything about it. Me either. ah I think we're both not fucking this guy. This might be the first guy we're not fucking and he has clout.
00:08:14
Speaker
Yeah, like, I don't know. good. Something about him. I don't like him. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Next we have Peter Coonan.
00:08:27
Speaker
Be careful with that last name. ah He plays Maul. Not Darth. Just Maul. He's got new show out too, but I haven't seen it. Neither have I. And he's in nothing, respectfully.
00:08:44
Speaker
Maybe it's a lot of Irish shit. Yeah, that's fair. I think I'm also not fucking this guy. No. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Time to fart right in between the ain't fucking it's.
00:09:01
Speaker
Next we have David Wilmont. He plays Jerry. There's a couple movies on here that I recognize but I haven't seen. like crimes Crimes of Grimswall. What the fuck that movie's called? Yeah, that one fantastic bitch movie. Mr. mr David Yates.
00:09:19
Speaker
uh and that movie that made it right if you've made it into a harry potter movie you made it ah yeah but this is like harry potter adjacent yeah same universe at this point i feel like i i'd be willing to give out more respect to the people who made it in the harry potter hbo show than fucking fantastic beasts you know i mean it's valid because it'll probably better than the fucking that shit but this guy's a fellow redhead so you automatically like him I automatically want to fuck this guy to repopulate our species.
00:09:47
Speaker
There you go. Yeah. What about you? Not fucking it?
Plot and Horror Criticism
00:09:52
Speaker
No, not at all. Especially in the movie. Yeah, he's an Uggos and he's... ah Can you imagine how bad his dick smells? I mean, they live in the woods all this time drinking fucking goat milk.
00:10:01
Speaker
Goat milk mixed with ah magic mushrooms? Yeah. Yeah. Next, we have Florence Ordash, who plays Fiona. i mean, she she has no photo, but she'd get fucking rinsed.
00:10:15
Speaker
Yeah, her and her dead corpse. Yes, correct. 100%. 100%, yes.
00:10:24
Speaker
Next, we have Will O'Connell, who plays Albie, a.k.a. the Ice Cream Man. By the way, did you hear that the that ah Eli Roth is remaking Ice Cream Man?
00:10:36
Speaker
Yeah, there's a trailer or a teaser or something out for it. I didn't see the teaser in the theater today, but did see a poster as I was walking out. And I was like, oh, that's interesting. It looks like super low budget. This is Eli Roth talking about.
00:10:50
Speaker
I mean, I guess, but like he has the clout to get a budget, right? Unless no one would pick it up. So he's like, I'm a fund it myself. That's also valid. Maybe he'll do a good job.
00:11:01
Speaker
Or maybe he won't. i don't know. He may fucking hostile. a hot take. Yeah. Hostel, even hotter take. Hostel 2 is better than Hostel 1. That's an even hotter take. That's very hot. Yeah. At least in Hostel 3. That movie's horrible.
00:11:14
Speaker
I believe that. I didn't know there was a Hostel 3. It's women.
00:11:20
Speaker
Like they're doing the killing, you mean? Both. Oh, just women killing women. Yeah, man. Just what it is. That's feminism right there. Yeah, it is.
00:11:31
Speaker
Free the pussy. ah Can you say that? I think we're going skip Will O'Connell. I think he he's not getting fucked.
00:11:42
Speaker
Yeah, i don't know. Fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Next we have Brendan Conroy who plays Mr. Cobb. This dude is talking about telling stories to little kids about ah a witch taking something from little boys. What do you think she's taking from those little boys, bro?
00:12:00
Speaker
Their skin. Their forest skin. That's crazy, dude. the way I forgot exactly how he phrased it, but it was crazy. This guy's been in some movies, I guess.
00:12:12
Speaker
He was in The Green Knight, which was kind of big. i don't I've watched a movie a couple times. I just can't get behind it. It's just it's fine. think it's a little overrated. He's in a movie with Anthony Hopkins.
00:12:23
Speaker
Which one of these would that be? The Bounty? but He's like deep in there, I think. Anthony Hopkins looking young. Sir Anthony Hopkins, excuse me. Sorry. Next we have Austin Emilio, who is the conquistador. He's in the movie for about 30 seconds.
00:12:40
Speaker
He's kind of a cute looking dude, though. In the movie, i ain't fucking him. He's a cute guy. All covered in sand and shit. It's in places you've never been.
00:12:51
Speaker
Yeah, i i mean I'll never get inside of a computer-generated desert. I'll tell you that much. They actually do give credit to Ezra Carlisle as the boy. And...
00:13:03
Speaker
I don't know how it sounds. It's either Soix or some weird way to pronounce Sue. Yeah, some fucking Native American played the witch. all you need to know. That's a native Carol.
00:13:14
Speaker
Carol the witch. Everyone's like, yeah, that's Carol. She lives in the fucking honeymoon suite. Yeah, don't worry about her though. She's a bitch. Just leave her be. Yeah, yeah. um
00:13:28
Speaker
Yeah, so you texted me the other day that you really like this movie. I did. You didn't, apparently. i i I'm still mixed. I don't know if I'm positive or negative on this movie yet, but I did oh i did want to hear your... God damn.
00:13:45
Speaker
ah maybe i'll Maybe I'll go first. there I was going to throw it to you, but maybe I'll just go first because you were coughing up a lung over there. Yeah, you go first.
00:13:55
Speaker
Gerald's tonsils were swollen because I fucked the shit out of them. um He laughed to death and is muted. Doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah so yeah this is one of those movies that I do feel like ah the trailer is a little off misleading.
00:14:15
Speaker
This is like I'm watching a horror movie. Oh, yo, Big Len in the pod. What's up Big Len? you know with that Pittsburgh Steelers yellow, bro. And he's definitely holding the bush light.
00:14:26
Speaker
ah We love Big Len. He's looking like Bob the fucking builder right now. yeah I need you to help Trump build the wall. I'm just going to sit here make jokes. We have a running bit that Big Len is always wearing Pittsburgh yellow.
00:14:40
Speaker
And for those of you new to the podcast, Big Len is Gerald's father. My father was a Pittsburgh Steeler fan. And my father currently could not name one single player on the Pittsburgh Steelers. The last Pittsburgh Steeler my father knows is Terry Bradshaw.
00:15:01
Speaker
Yo, we got big, call him Lil Pump, like that shitty ass rapper. We got that cat on the pod too. This fucking pumpkin. We pumping my fucking cream into that cat. Holy This is why you don't leave me alone to ramble. We might fucking bleep that and save that just for the Patreon.
00:15:17
Speaker
By the way, Patreon, you're getting a bonus. You're getting Yeah You Want It, maybe possibly the last one ever. You're getting it a week early. So tune into that. Yes, I've been talking the entire time. Yeah. headphones out so you'll have to listen to it when that comes out because we're keeping all that in that's fine yeah it like constantly feels like something's like stuck in my throat and uh i don't know what it is yeah i just did it consoles it might be like a little pouch in there catching food who knows yeah uh we're gonna have to put mo part
00:15:51
Speaker
or all of that ramble on Patreon because i may or may not have talked about fucking your cat. So what's wrong with that? I, I mean, i just, I get, you'll hear, I don't I don't, I don't, okay. Then we're leaving it in. I don't want to, and I don't want to ruin what I said. I want to leave this a little surprise for you, but ah that was, I'm impressed with myself that I was able to talk for that long.
00:16:15
Speaker
With no riffing ability, just going off the dome. And obviously, it immediately went to pretty dark places. But you'll hear it on the Patreon. um i'd feel I don't know what you think, but I just think the trailer kind of gives you an expectation of something. And then you go see the movie and it's maybe not that.
00:16:35
Speaker
So it's like horror adjacent, more like a mystery thriller. That guy with the face, I kind of wanted more of him. He kind of looked scary.
00:16:45
Speaker
rabbit guy Yeah, Donnie Darko's cousin. I kind of wanted that guy around a little more. That's what I saw.
00:16:53
Speaker
Also, he has no ah has no credit, so I don't know. Whoever that was, shout to you. Maybe it was the guy that directed it. Maybe it was Damian McCarthy. Yeah, too bad it wasn't Damian Leone. Get some fucking gore in this bitch.
00:17:04
Speaker
Yeah. ah So... I have a couple a couple problems with this movie. go on One is Adam Scott.
00:17:17
Speaker
but and Obviously, he's in he's the main character, so this is this is a problem. I feel like he goes through most the movie and all of this shit that happens to him for at least the second half, after he kills himself.
00:17:34
Speaker
I feel like he's kind of not phased by any of it. Like there's just no emotion. And like, I get like, you know, the obnoxious like screaming and stuff in our movies, like it can get excessive for sure. and it's like kind of annoying, but he just kind just like, yep, I'm in a basement.
00:17:52
Speaker
Oh, there's a witch. I'm gonna draw a chalk circle. yeah Yeah. I'm not in a very good ah situation here, but it's fine. Keep going. I guess we'll, Yeah, he was like very stoic, and I didn't really like that. kind of It's like, dude, this is weird shit happening, bro. You should probably figure ah figure out how to get out of here, but like it almost feels like he's like happy to be there at some point.
00:18:14
Speaker
Yeah. um He is great at being a dick. I'll give him that. The first half of the movie, he's a dick to literally everybody, and then he kills himself, ah which he's good at that, and it's like, all we get your character's dick for...
00:18:28
Speaker
All the time. um So then it's like we could the overall summary, he goes to this hotel because his parents used to like go in there and his parents died because he shot his mom in the face when he was a kid because he's playing with his with daddy's pistol.
00:18:43
Speaker
Watching the show Where the Rabbit's From. Which, by the way, I saw a hilarious TikTok. And it was like it was like when you're a kid in the shower with your dad. just It would just swap between the dad's POV and the kid's POV. And when it would swap to the kid's POV, like this is the camera facing me. There'd just be a banana hanging right here. And the dad's rambling. The kid's just like staring at it like, huh? Just massive meat.
00:19:08
Speaker
It was a black guy. I forgot to say that. So his cock was... It was a
Promoting Patreon
00:19:11
Speaker
big banana. It was a plantain. ah Anyways... So yeah, i didn't Dave was not in love with his performance, to be honest.
00:19:20
Speaker
ah The vibe's definitely creepy. Definitely, for sure, give you that. Give you some spooks. Yeah. um I think one of the production companies the beginning is like Big Spooky.
00:19:32
Speaker
was It was called a Big Spooky Productions. and It was like a ghost. Spooky Creatures or something? Yeah. There was a creature feature one, and then there was like a Big Spooky or something, and there was like a Snapchat ghost, and the guy next to me who was in my seat, laughed at it.
00:19:45
Speaker
And I was like, shut up. sure Yeah, it's Queecher, CW, Queecher Features and Spooky Pictures. Yeah. um was It was and a neon joint.
00:19:58
Speaker
All we do is neons. That's all we do. That's all we do. ah So that was, um it's atmospheric, but I feel like it's one of the movies where it's like all bark and no bite because I just didn't find it.
00:20:11
Speaker
There's a couple jump scares, quote unquote. Maybe the volume was low in my theater and it just didn't hit as hard for me. ah But it didn't really... don't know. I only jumped once.
00:20:22
Speaker
Which one did you jump at? When he was like looking in the looking in the TV. Yeah. And it miraculously came on.
00:20:32
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Okay, I know what talking about. yeah But other than that... The other thing is I i feel like there's they're trying to go for... for some thematic stuff here, but I feel like they just don't, ah they just don't stick the landing on any of it.
00:20:52
Speaker
Plug it in, plug it in. We stopped this podcast to bring you plug it in, plug it in. Firstly, we're going to promote our Patreon. You want to hear what the bleeps say? Go to patreon.com slash two guys, one screen.
00:21:06
Speaker
Give us money. Plus, please. Plus, Plus, you get a bonus episode every Friday called Mixed Bag, where we play games.
00:21:19
Speaker
um We sex each other. i take my wiener out. i don't do any of that. It would be a lot cooler if you did. It would be. But if you subscribe, you can get that.
00:21:29
Speaker
I'm just kidding.
In-Depth Plot Analysis and Potential Improvements
00:21:32
Speaker
and you also get a bonus movie review every single month. So go check that out. Also, follow us on Instagram, TwoGuysOneScreenPod.
00:21:41
Speaker
Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to TwoGuysOneScreenPod at gmail.com. Follow us individually on Letterboxd. And then go listen to our physical media podcast, Yeah, You Want It?
00:21:54
Speaker
Do you want it or not? Where we share our physical media purchases. And shout out to Google for taking away our phone number. Yeah, fuck you, Google.
00:22:06
Speaker
Fuck you, Google, and fuck you, Zencaster. Back to the episode. No, so I mean, this dude shit this dude was playing with daddy's pistol and shot mom in the face. Mom caught a fucking face load of lead right her cheek. She died, I guess.
00:22:19
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, i guess she didn't survive like that Congresswoman that got shot in the face like 10 years ago. Right. ah Shout to her, I guess. um No, so obviously he feels some level, not some level, a tremendous level of guilt for killing his mother, shooting his mom in the face as a child.
00:22:43
Speaker
ah And I feel like they try to set some themes in the movie about that, but it's kind of like, obviously he like looks like he feels bad. And then the end movie, she like just shows up and like, he takes off these handcuffs, which is probably relatively symbolic of like being free of guilt.
00:23:02
Speaker
Uh, it's just not, it's just not enough. It's just not enough. On top of that, they're throwing in Irish folklore into this. And it's trying to be like a folk folk,
00:23:17
Speaker
What is the word looking for? A folk horror? Yes. It's trying to be one of those. And also kind of fails at that too. But like the to me actual like horror part is like almost barely in the movie.
00:23:32
Speaker
The witch. Yeah, this is right. And the witch I the witch herself. ah ah Just looks like a person.
00:23:43
Speaker
Yeah, i don't know. It looks like she should in Game of Thrones. Yeah, like gray skin, like... I don't know. So just all of it just kind of fell flat. None of it really did anything for me. I don't like, I thought the cinematography and the lighting was cool in some scenes. Like when they're looking up and down the shaft, yeah not my shaft. Yeah.
00:24:04
Speaker
Yeah. You couldn't look up and down my shaft. It's too small, but it's like the lighting at one point on the left side of the screen and the right side of the screen, at least in the AMC that I went to, it felt like the left was brighter. Like there was like a heavy light compared to like the right side when it swapped.
00:24:19
Speaker
So i thought that was cool. There were some cool shots where like he was like walking through this honeymoon suite and like you could like the camera would like follow, but like he would go through the next door and you would still see him.
00:24:35
Speaker
Yeah. So I give it that, but the rest of it just felt like, what are we doing? like What is the point of this movie? Because then like the witch thing is just... It's just kind of there.
00:24:46
Speaker
She just drags that other guy into the fucking pit, which ah everybody go look up Disturbs album cover called ah The Lost Children. it's a B-side track album. That's where she dragged him into is Disturbs, The Lost Children album.
00:25:01
Speaker
It looked like two doors into a kitchen. Yeah, exactly. Put in the stupefied fucking sound here, Nick. Bring it back. Yeah. Yeah.
00:25:12
Speaker
um
00:25:16
Speaker
That's what I got. I just feel like it wasn't... It just wasn't for me. It was kind of like, eh. So I wasn't really there for like the the the scary parts. like That was like whatever. I don't know. Just like did the whole... Maybe it was just a vibe thing.
00:25:32
Speaker
The vibe is good. It's atmospheric. Maybe that's just what the only reason I like is the atmospheric levels.
00:25:41
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, they they set up the they set it up to be... um scary and then it's like alright well give it to me ah fuck I fucking want to take it yeah you know like let's whip it out and make this movie actually scary and just none of it ends up ah it just doesn't land I don't i don't know it just doesn't i kept thinking about like long legs in this movie a little bit for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe because it's neon.
00:26:11
Speaker
I feel like long legs is like one of those good examples where it's like very vibey, very atmospheric, dark. you Shut up. ah But then it's like, i don't know, it delivers. Like long legs like like follows through where this movie is just kind of like, yeah, he lived and then he changed the end of his story to be like nice instead of bleak.
00:26:35
Speaker
Yeah. The story is that this dad, and is is it his kid? Just some boy? like, come here, boy. We're going to walk through the dead. It was like you're some kid. Because he was ah the guy was speaking English, but the the kid was like speaking some other language.
00:26:51
Speaker
It was Spanish. Was it? When he said there's a line, the English translation is like, there's nothing. Oh. and Because he was like, look. Yeah. yeah i was like, oh, he talks like my line cooks. I know exactly what that guy just said.
00:27:04
Speaker
Because he's like, look for a rock to smash the bottle open that has this map to like get inside of a... That was also cool. was like when in the opening when he's writing the story and they they find that circle in the desert and then it cuts to the circle like the wet wet ring on the desk from his drink.
00:27:21
Speaker
Yeah, that was cool. He's like a low-key alcoholic, this guy. Shut up. Not even low-key, high-key. High-functioning alcoholic. Bro, no. No. Abso-fucking-lutely not. Get the fuck out.
00:27:35
Speaker
He literally almost just fucking keyboard mashed my keyboard. Nice. that's the other thing is they tell the big reveal at the end of the movie Albie the door hopper. Door hopper? Whatever.
00:27:51
Speaker
That fucking jerk off. He tells ah Adam Scott's character that he spiked his flask with the mushrooms, the psilocybin. So then it's like, well, what what was real and what wasn't?
00:28:06
Speaker
I don't like that. Yeah, that but like actually that actually was like the one part of the movie where I was like, so are we just retconning the past two hours?
00:28:18
Speaker
Is what we're doing here? i it's It's literally like, ah what's that movie you fucking hate that I like?
Character Logic and Ratings
00:28:25
Speaker
And I think it's French. High tension? Yeah, it's like high tension. Yeah, it's like that. That's the one. I hate that movie.
00:28:33
Speaker
Yeah. For that reason. so I feel like this is kind of similar, but it's more like, it's not as blatant because they're like, you can, hey, you figure it out.
00:28:45
Speaker
You tell us. Did he really see that? ah Blaine looks at his wrists and his wrists are like bruised and stuff. And then they have that little cut where Jerry's like, if you're open to it, you'll see it. Well, then I was i was thinking, like so did he actually kill himself? Or did Fiona like did fiona not actually rescue him?
00:29:05
Speaker
But then, obviously, yeah had he had to have. Right, because he wakes wakes up in the hospital. Right. Or if they just show, maybe this would be cool, maybe wouldn't, I don't know.
00:29:19
Speaker
if If he did just kill himself, and then he's like in a level of purgatory and hell, he's just stuck in this attic. Right. Yeah, that'd be cool. And then he just never gets out. He's playing the most dangerous like game of hide and seek.
00:29:31
Speaker
Yeah. And then like he's basically almost out of the... i also thought it would have been cool. He's basically almost out of the... of the He escapes the basement or the at or the attic, whatever it is, because you go up and down.
00:29:43
Speaker
Well, that's the thing. that The whole room doesn't make sense because you take an elevator to go up to the honeymoon suite, but then there's a dumbwaiter that goes all the way down to like a basement. Right. That's just a hallway to kitchen doors. They're cooking down there. They're cooking kids.
00:29:58
Speaker
He's actually just going into like you know the in-kitchen, but they don't want anybody down there, so they just tell a ghost story. Yeah, yeah. ah It would have been cool if, because he wanted to have this like this bleak story, like the story that he's writing, if he just got out and he basically could almost have made it out of the building and then he just like passes out from inhaling smoke or whatever and the building just fucking burns and collapses he's dead.
00:30:23
Speaker
That's the end of the movie. That's it. Poke him. Which, he just says it. He just says hokum kind of passingly that like they're telling a story about ah go witch encounter.
00:30:35
Speaker
And he just goes hokum. So I guess hokum is like... Yeah, it's hocus pocus. like it's not Like it's not real. Hokum refers to nonsense, bunk, or insincere, over-the-top material.
00:30:49
Speaker
Bunkum? Yeah. Bunkum. Yeah. So he's not a believer, but maybe now he is. Or maybe now he's not because he's like I was on mushrooms. Right. Like I got drugged by this random guy.
00:31:02
Speaker
But it would be funny if they did like the Wolf of Wall Street thing where it's like you see him and it seems like he's trapped ah in this room. But then like how like Leo's like, I drove home fine that night. And then you actually see what he drove like. And Adam scutched in the room just like fucking falling down. And he just opened a door. He's like he's like talking to like the walls.
00:31:24
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And then I'm trying to think what this, what what dead Fiona is that he he thinks is a dead body. It's like a fucking, i don't know. It's a life-size, it's like a life-size stuffed animal of a rabbit because like she was in like a bunny costume.
00:31:39
Speaker
Yeah, which by the way, wasn't very cute. was very wood. Go ahead. Yeah, very woodsy. Very Hansel and Gretel. Well, they are in like the Irish no man's land, right?
00:31:52
Speaker
yeah there are somewhere somewhere in ireland yeah this is like yeah i guess it's go ahead i was gonna say i guess we kind of forgot to mention that um this fiona bitch right like she got impregnated by this guy the dude who's like the front desk dude yeah and he didn't like that so he killed her
00:32:18
Speaker
and which because she saved adam scott from like hanging himself so like now he's like in he thinks like oh i owe it to her to find her body because she just went missing yeah but kind of a brutal way to fucking die honestly just get drugged and then sent down a shaft and you can't get back up yeah so just starve dehydrate die but how but then how long has has it been They said it been he came back and was like the end of the season or whatever.
00:32:50
Speaker
and there So it's been weeks. She's been down there for weeks with no food, no water.
00:32:55
Speaker
Would you die that quickly? I don't know. In a couple weeks? Yeah, you'd probably die. really Yeah. And then it's like, what are the humidity levels down there? Because she was kind of decomposing.
00:33:15
Speaker
You can... You can survive only three to seven days without water, roughly three to three weeks or two months without food. But that depends on hydration. Survival without both is limited to a few days. Would have been cool if they made a movie about him dumping her down the fucking chat and her trying to survive. Because it is like a one setting movie, horror movie.
00:33:39
Speaker
Yeah, just this hotel. Like she's stuck in there. But ah yeah, she died and for some reason. He thinks that she's in the honeymoon suite, which why would she be up there? let Anybody check up there? And they're like, no, it's locked.
00:33:53
Speaker
It's locked because there's a witch up there. Which does seem like bullshit. Also, that guy seems who did do it like after it happened seems so fucking guilty the whole time.
00:34:05
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Nothing up there. Not my hidden porn stash. Yeah. Yeah. The entire time he's like, Jerry, we got to get, can't go up there, man. We got to get you to the cops.
00:34:17
Speaker
They're looking for you. You did it. So he jumped out of that car. Yeah. That truck and like why he broke his arm. Yeah. I blatantly fell asleep during that part.
00:34:29
Speaker
When he jumped out. Yeah. You don't see him jump out. You just see him like contemplating. Right. And then he just shows up with a At first, I thought his arm got chopped off like fucking Luke in fucking Star Wars.
00:34:42
Speaker
That'd be better. It would be better. Who chopped it off? What happened to him? But poor Jerry just gets a crossbow to the back of the head. The crossbow is nice. Also, they just keep throwing in the fucking gut.
00:34:55
Speaker
They keep doing the gut thing. Yeah, was like, is this Satan? No. it's just there's just They're playing with too many different things. And even at the end of the movie, and when he rewrites the story, there's that little goat skull next to that bottle. Too many goats.
00:35:13
Speaker
It's a fucking goat skull and bones instead of just skull and bones. Too many thoughts put into one bottle. Yeah. ah So your rating's going to be high on this?
00:35:27
Speaker
Not, well, I don't know what you're giving it. I mean, i'm i'm like I'm like two and a half, three. Like this movie genuinely just kind of felt like Keeper.
00:35:39
Speaker
To be honest. It did feel like Keeper, but executed better. This lady's walking her dog and she's got fucking juicy ass on her. Sorry. Not the dog, the lady.
00:35:50
Speaker
The lady's got a juicy ass on her. Yeah, not the dog. No, but I mean, the dog wanted it. i' I'm just kidding. Just joking. We don't support animal fucking. I'm giving it a three and a half.
00:36:05
Speaker
That's high. To me. If you liked it, you liked it. That's fine. I don't care.
Anecdotes and Humorous Conclusion
00:36:10
Speaker
I did. i just feel i just feel like it I just feel like this is like a, this could be, I mean, I might even give this a two.
00:36:16
Speaker
I don't know. You think this is like straight to streaming? I think this should have been straight to streaming. I think the only reason why it's not is because it's, uh, because it's, it's neon.
00:36:27
Speaker
Oh yeah. That too. I'm trying to think what else did I give two two and a half this year? Okay. It's better than scream seven. This is kind of like right with Dolly as far as like a horror movie, the bride.
00:36:41
Speaker
Yeah. I probably, it's probably better. We bury the dead. Hmm. Hmm.
00:36:49
Speaker
Primate? Brian's movie? I'd probably rather watch Brian than watch this movie again. Really? Yeah. Yeah, probably yes. Emily's fucking stupid, but I'd probably rather watch it.
00:37:03
Speaker
this I feel like this movie just would would not fucking end. I got a juicy one coming.
00:37:10
Speaker
Yeah? See, hide ah I didn't think time was a ah factor. I didn't think it dragged at all. Yeah, there's a couple of times where I was just like, this is really ah is reallys really taking its fucking sweet time.
00:37:29
Speaker
Yeah. To be honest. Yeah, I think, yeah, I'm pretty sure this is going to two and a heifer for me. Two and a heifer. Hefeweizen? Isn't that just a female cow?
00:37:41
Speaker
Hefeweizen? No, a heifer. I don't know what a heifer is, honestly. just keep saying that. define heifer like a yo girl's a heifer i don't have a girl but she's a heifer heifer is a young female cat has not yet given birth oh so you fucking oh you brand new blank it's a blank check sign my life away i'm trying to sign my life where we take half my shit
00:38:11
Speaker
springing heifer, a young female in the final stages of her pregnancy. Slang, derogatory use, insult, a slang term used to describe women who are considered obese, unattractive, or unpleasant.
00:38:23
Speaker
That's a heifer right there. Damn. The correct spelling is H-E-I-F-E-R. Heifer. Oh, it's German. you You're a fucking heifer. That sounds wrong.
00:38:35
Speaker
but Yeah, it does sound wrong. Get into to the chamber, heifer. A female that is sulky and bitches about everything all the time. Tell me about it. Most women. By the way, we should shout out in the public episode. We have another Patreon member free, unfortunately, but she nonetheless a Patreon member. Also, we asked for a female Patreon member. and We got one. We got which one, which is pretty sick.
00:38:58
Speaker
Uh, It won't fucking show. Not paying yet. Not paying, but Victoria Towsie, if you're listening, ah shout out to you for subscribing to the Patreon.
00:39:08
Speaker
And give us money. Yeah, but you should up your up your membership tier to the $5 one. It's only five of them. By the way, $500 level ah is free. You get, not for free, you get the Polar Express episode, which is ah Arguably our masterpiece.
00:39:28
Speaker
Masterpiece, if you that's what you want to call it. Should be in the Hall of Fame for the two guys on one screen, which is pinned on our Instagram. If you need somewhere to start, go listen to our fucking Hall of Fame episode that we inducted this past month.
00:39:39
Speaker
I have yet to listen to it, um Polar Express, because is it just on Zencaster? Ja. Okay. Ja. It's on the Zencaster. And it's also on our little dock with the lobby, so you can figure out which one it is.
00:39:53
Speaker
Aw, sick. Aw, sick. We do a nice job. We talk about the girls on the train. Train girls, kids. Yeah. I mean, bulls yeah. um People from whole bulk in New Jersey.
00:40:06
Speaker
Oh, no, we don't. Are you still here? that What's going on? By the way, shout out to Mike. cause i know you're fucking listening to this. He told me that ah we charge people money to listen to us joke about pedophilia on the Patreon.
00:40:20
Speaker
ah Yeah. like ah Yeah. I mean, oh i mean it's it's not. paul feel yeah It's not. We don't make. No, no, we know. i don't think any of it. We're not pedophiles. ver We just make dark jokes.
00:40:35
Speaker
It's dark humor. We pay. Yeah. Make people pay us for dark humor. I'm starting to think that we should only review kids movies on this fucking podcast because it's the only thing we can get good content out of. no Well, is Jack Frost a kid? Yeah, it is.
00:40:48
Speaker
so I mean, Jack Frost was definitely made for kids, for the children. Yeah. Yeah. yeah we're We are not a family podcast. I would not recommend that to anybody. Yeah. listen to us with your kids.
00:41:00
Speaker
No, don't have kids either. it's just a fucking waste of time. Uh, But I did get, i did get, where wish I'm just going to say it here. I did get, a I'm getting a new apartment. I'm moving in July. I've already started packing my shit.
00:41:15
Speaker
Oh, wow. Fucking hate this place. Look at the wall. Oh, no. The wall's going down yet again. wall. I've had a big-ass chewy box for the longest time that had a, like, cat litter in it I just took all the shit. I just packed it that box, taped it up. I got a lot of, ah lot of and I have bubble wrap.
00:41:36
Speaker
Wrap those bitches in bubble wrap. got Not individually. The bubble fucking wrap. ah Yeah, and that's going to go right in my car and get sent to ah where I'm going to live next. The new town. but Fuck you. You thought you were going that, didn't you? Not on the public side, you fucking scumbags.
00:41:51
Speaker
Probably not even on the Patreon side. No. Also on the Patreon side, we are putting out... already said this, Will. You were coughing your fucking lung out. This Friday, you're going to get bonus. Not bonus. You're going to get Yeah, You Want It early. It's hour long. We recorded it last October.
00:42:09
Speaker
Yeah, You Want It? It's 52 minutes, but it's on a voice memo, so the audio is going to be trash. Oh, yeah. When we were live in Boston. Live in Boston, which we already have a live in Boston one, so going to be called Live in Boston again. oh wow.
00:42:25
Speaker
The Ja. The Recome. Yes, the Recome. You'll have to come again and see me when I move to my new place because you know ill I'm literally 10.
00:42:37
Speaker
I could not 10. Yeah, 10-ish minutes away from Bull Moose where I'm going to live. 10 minutes. That's dangerous. Yes, Minutos. If I even have time to do it, who knows? Well, yeah, that's another thing, but it's right. Yeah. ah Literally fucked this episode. So next week, you're getting an episode on Little Shop of Horrors, which I've never seen. And I bought a ticket to go see when they put it back in theaters and never watched it. So...
00:43:02
Speaker
We're doing that next week. It's a musical. Is that Rick Moranis? It is. Yeah. I like that guy. Honey, I shrunk my penis. i People always point to that movie for Rick Moranis, but i feel like you got to give him credit for Spaceballs.
00:43:16
Speaker
Yeah. You got to give him cred. feel like he's great in Spaceballs. What do I know? but Just some fucking jerk off. He shrunk some kids. And then it was like, honey, we, they they just kept making them. Honey, I shrunk myself.
00:43:29
Speaker
Like, honey, oh Yeah, my cock's smaller. Yeah. Gotta make your pussy lips smaller too. Honey, I shrunk your labia. Honey, your labia got fucking shrunk.
00:43:41
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. ah so Sorry, this episode's a little short, but not, you know, not much to talk about. I'm not sorry. Okay.
00:43:51
Speaker
Yeah. And that's it. Suck on my wang. We'll see you guys next week. Toodles. Mark, fuck you, Mark. Fuck you for texting Gerald. Living.
00:44:05
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to lock you in a fucking attic in a different way. What's that?