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EP. 103 BONUS! Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)
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Transcript
Introduction and Random Humor
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:16
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, cause I'm dad.
00:00:34
Speaker
want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk? We're just joking. Hey, everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Podcast Introduction and Na-Me Month
00:00:52
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 103 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast, aka the Hemorrhoid Homies, the Poetown Boys, the Hindi Homos, ah and newly created Patreon creators.
00:01:04
Speaker
the fucking How's that for a plug? That's us. That's us. That's us big. We are continuing in Na-Me month. ya mean We're going to see how this new soundboard does.
00:01:15
Speaker
Hopefully it goes great. Yeah, because now we will not need a soundboard download, which literally no one listening to this cares about. It's just for us. It's just for us. ah But today we're not doing NaMem Month because i'm a fucking retard, but it didn't work. Oh, I didn't add a key bind to it. Never mind. was trying to hit the Mio Mignon button and didn't.
00:01:38
Speaker
Mio Mignon!
Friday the 13th Part Three Critique
00:01:40
Speaker
If you're listening to this, it is Friday the 13th in February. Yay. And if you have followed this podcast for any period of time, Friday the 13th typically means a boner alert episode. I do have this. Boner alert. All the buttons today. Hell yeah, brother. Have them all.
00:01:57
Speaker
We are doing Friday the 13th part three. Do you want to hear part two in part one? Go listen to them. Yeah. You know what mean? Oh, this movie is really bad. Really bad. But I have to tell you, I i did enjoy the last 10 minutes or 20 minutes, whatever it was. it picks up, but you just got to wait for the entire movie.
00:02:16
Speaker
Yeah, right. 100%. um Before we get into our ah review cast, you know, all the good stuff that makes our podcast our podcast, a couple, two, three things I want to get into first.
00:02:28
Speaker
ah Let's do the gifts first because excited for this. ah If you listen to our episode on, I guess it was Silence of the Lambs. Uh, we did the birthday gift for me, right?
00:02:41
Speaker
Was it, no, it had to be before that, wasn't it? No, I think it was silence. Okay, I'm just an idiot. It's fine. Well, it's either, set it's either, it's not, well, what's it's not scary movie, so I don't know what else it would be. All right. We did scary movie, like, way in advance, I thought. All right. Yeah, so was probably silence.
00:02:56
Speaker
Uh, if you listen to that episode, Gerald got me a birthday gift, and then Gerald's birthday didn't happen yet, but if you're listening to this now, it did happen
Gift Exchange and Reactions
00:03:03
Speaker
already. Yeah, past. Uh, so,
00:03:07
Speaker
I got you a real gift, like a nice one, and I got you a gag gift. I think it'd be funnier if you opened the gag gift first. Gag gift first? Yeah, or whatever i mean whatever you want to do. I don't care. It's fine.
00:03:18
Speaker
Alright, so it's from TeePublic, so I know it's a t-shirt. I just gotta i just gotta time this right. Okay. With the button. Sorry if you hear the bag opening. Just fucking rip it.
00:03:30
Speaker
Rip it? Rip my shit open. Oh, wait. Oh, fuck. He's black. It's ah it's a t-shirt. What the fuck?
00:03:44
Speaker
Do you guys know what it is? do Do we? or the ah Soundboard's fucking me right now. Oh, my fucking Lord. Oh, my
00:04:01
Speaker
God. Oh, it is a Crispin Wah t-shirt. Yeah, you know, it's not officially licensed or anything, but um I was like, i gotta get i gotta get one of these. Oh oh my god.
00:04:20
Speaker
The sad fact is I'm gonna wear this. I don't know if I'm gonna wear it in public. You're gonna wear it on a recording for sure. yeah I don't know if I can wear this in public. No, absolutely not. Not T-Public.
00:04:31
Speaker
Wow. Oh, it's Gildan, so it's gonna be a nice comfy shirt too. It's pretty awesome. Feels nice. I mean... Look at him, he looks like he wants to fucking drug me and then murder me. Look at that. Yeah.
00:04:47
Speaker
That's clean. Shout out to Chris Benoit. Shout out to Chris Benoit. Oh, that's fucking amazing. Yeah, I had that thought. And with how much k Crispin was just taking over a podcast conversation, i was like, I just got to do it.
00:05:04
Speaker
like um yeah And obviously, there a yeah, yeah, I'd wear this for the memes. And because Crispin was like, besides the murder, he's cool. oh He's actually a good wrestler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goats.
00:05:15
Speaker
Yeah. Obviously, like
Patreon Account Troubles
00:05:17
Speaker
you said, you can't wear that anywhere in public, but I just thought it'd be hilarious to get your reaction opening a Crispin Wash shirt. No, I mean, I could wear it. my My ah assistant manager is a huge wrestling fan too. So I thought if I would just like pulled up like on my off day, just wore it. Like, hey, what's up, man? Or you did it like you were still like you had a jacket on like Superman. Just like, hey, look at this. but Hey, it's Chris Benoit. Hey, man.
00:05:44
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. So that's the gag gift. That one's the real gift. See when I saw i was like movie room and I was like yeah, yeah, the book obsessed shadow steelbook obsessed is that I use his i used be like I used no, but I did use his code to get discount on that.
00:05:59
Speaker
Oh, that's what's up with the discount was the discount just got rid of the shipping. It's the same cost for like the actual drawn. No,
00:06:12
Speaker
okay Nice packaging like on handss Holy shit it's big why it big? big I didn't buy you something big i can't look at that it spoils it says i tried brothers entertainment I tried to get I tried to get you i tried to put like a custom gift inside that was oh I Mean I don't know now now i don't even know what you got cuz I don't think I ordered that ah Is it a Warner Brothers movie I should do the answer to that question. I have no idea.
00:06:47
Speaker
Okay. Hopefully it is. Because if you open that shit, it's some other bullshit. mean... Fuck.
00:06:57
Speaker
Man, this is fucking high-quality packaging, though. Shout out... Shout out to the movie room. I've never anything from them before. Holy...
00:07:09
Speaker
I hope I got you the right thing.
00:07:12
Speaker
Oh, yeah, i got you right thing. Okay, that's why i bought it. Holy shit. tell the audience what you got it is the film vault so like what do you call this thing is it a collect collector's edition limit yeah collector edition limited 2254 of 6 000 the 4k of the shining oh i thought it was just a steel book didn't realize what i got no look at this shit that's pretty cool man This is fucking insane.
00:07:44
Speaker
It's fucking numbered. Yeah. i You know something? That's ah like a way nicer gift than I am to get you. Holy shit. Thank you.
00:07:54
Speaker
Yeah, of course, brother. it comes out That worked in my favor. Big. Limited to 6,000 worldwide. Yeah. You're one of your unique special snowflake. New key art on the steelbook in clamshell. How you doing?
00:08:10
Speaker
How you doing? Holographic numbered sticker. I need a doctor to bring my clam back to life. What the fuck's a key art? Maybe there's a key in there.
00:08:20
Speaker
Two posters, five character cards, and three behind-the-scenes
Movie Breakdown: Friday the 13th Part Three
00:08:25
Speaker
cards. let me Let me get a poster real quick. Let me get fucking poster. I hope it's a behind-the-scenes of Stanley Kubrick. Absolutely fucking, like...
00:08:34
Speaker
psychologically destroying Shelley Duvall. It's just Jack Nicholson standing he stand like this, just flashing his asshole. It's what call sticker it's like I'm trying to get into character. Because of sticker? Shout out to the movie room. I've never anything from them before, but Steelbook, he supports them big. And shout out to him for his Steelbook 10 discount.
00:09:01
Speaker
I mean, that's what's up. still Yeah, use not our code, but use Steelbook10. Use Steelbook10. but Get a discount. it'll It'll negate the shipping cost. That's all it did for me.
00:09:12
Speaker
I forgot. I think it's like 10% or whatever it is. kind want to keep this box, too. That's fucking nice box. I'm about to buy one for myself. What the fuck? Yeah, right? What the fuck did I buy you that?
00:09:24
Speaker
Fucking... me Yeah, know. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. That's fucking i sick. Of course, brother. You own Shining on 4K?
00:09:35
Speaker
I have the Shining. um Who put the fucking Shining out? Kino? No. I don't even know. How just how do I have the Shining? Let me go.
00:09:45
Speaker
We'll be back. Put the ad in here. It's not even a 4K. It's just a standard ass. It's just a generic ass Blu-ray. Oh, wow. You don't even have the four k
00:09:59
Speaker
What'd say? i didn't hear you. I said, oh, wow, you don't even have the 4K. No, I'm a scumbag. I got a 4K with a slip. Yeah, I love The Shining. I don't have a 4K. What a piece of shit I am.
00:10:11
Speaker
No, not piece shit. You probably just like thought you had it or like never even thought about it. Yeah, I don't know. No one's put this out besides the movie room? Or whatever that whoever put that out?
00:10:21
Speaker
o The phone vault? Yeah, whenever I type keys now, the the shit just pops up. It just does the button. ya me It's just me typing it.
00:10:35
Speaker
It just does this now because I have shit key bound. Yeah, there's just a 4K of it and I guess there's that one. There's nothing like there's no crazy other one. Yeah, the Shining UK. Yeah.
00:10:47
Speaker
Film Vault. Yep. We're getting crazy now because they called a Slipbox. Oh, there's a... I forgot there's the Best Buy exclusive copy, the 4K steal. It's like the yellow one one. It looks like the... it's kind of ugly. Looks like the Maze, not the Miz.
00:11:02
Speaker
Shout out to Miz, though. Shout out to Miz. don't know if you've ever fought Chris Benoit. Chris Benoit. No. don't think so. I think the Miz debuted in 05, though, so he might have, like... He might have.
00:11:17
Speaker
Well, we also wanted to promote... The Patreon, because we didn't know last week, according to the recording that I just finished editing a little bit ago. um um The Patreon is live.
00:11:31
Speaker
Live. Right now. and you can You can subscribe for $5 a month. And there's also... our i feel I'm going to sneeze. There's also $500...
00:11:43
Speaker
I'm dying. $500 tier where you can get Polar Express for free. It's not for free, but you can listen to it. um And you can also probably get um parts of Django because parts of the Django recording are definitely not going up even on the Patreon. We're sorry about that. Yeah, I mean, some of it was just...
00:12:00
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, some of it and in some of it I couldn't even censor because it just sounded like we were we were saying the N-word, but we weren't. I was just censoring a different word. Right. Yeah, it was... We've got to bleep that was going to say we've got to that anyways, but... Yeah. yeah ah We also... the What do you get for $5 a month on Patreon? I'll tell you. You get...
00:12:22
Speaker
Our brand new variety show, Mixed Bag, ah where we talk about random shit, specifically movies that we see that we don't talk about on this podcast. ah Breaking the Fourth Wall, we're going to talk about Raimi's new film, Send Help, ah right after this recording. Got some thoughts on that, fucker.
00:12:41
Speaker
Me too. And we've spoken zero about it, so I'm curious what you have to say. I purposely didn't say anything because I was like, I feel like we're going to differ on this.
00:12:53
Speaker
Even after seeing we're going to differ on this? Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm kind of shocked. ah Anyways, so that it's up. you The link is in the description. You can click it and stick it and put it in your butt.
00:13:07
Speaker
you know Put it wherever you want. We also should shout out, now that we are doing this, our first our first active patron member, Tyler. We love you. You're awesome. Shout out, Tyler. You get a shout out. Hey, great. I don't have a a button key bound to hey, great yet.
00:13:22
Speaker
But... So go check that shit out. Speaking of Patreon, I, so we got this piece of shit set up, right? And I sent you the the invite to um like be a creator on it. So you wouldn't have to listen to like pay for it or whatever. Yeah.
00:13:41
Speaker
And then I sent it to myself and I kept getting this error message ah that I already have a creator account. And I'm like, I don't have a creator account. Cause I made the, I made ours with the potty mail.
00:13:52
Speaker
Right. Right. makes sense Yeah. So i was like, I don't. What the fuck is this? So I guess, Nick, you know I made a Patreon like in 2017 to like listen to like literally listen to a guy on Minecraft, like his extra book content. I guess back then when I made a a Patreon, I accidentally made a creator account.
00:14:11
Speaker
And if you have a creator account already, you can't have a second one. You can only have one. So. I'm like trying to figure out also the, the, the worst part, like why I got so mad about it is the shit isn't even like fully set up. It's like, put in your name, put in the, the, it's like, it's like literally the first step of like signing up to make a patron account. I have, didn't even get any further than that. It was just like, do like, I do all the steps still.
00:14:35
Speaker
Hmm. So i'm trying to figure out how to delete it. I can't fucking delete it. So I email this guy, Riv. And unfortunately, Riv, you're about to get blasted on um on my podcast. And I'm sorry. Like a Patreon guy? like ah ri his Yeah, Riv is Patreon support. And I opened the wrong window. So hold on a second. me open the right window. So I reached out and I said, please delete creator account associated with this email. Because the email is also associated with... um The one that use to like listen to other podcasts.
00:15:07
Speaker
So need... The personal like one that you subscribe to? Right. Yeah. Where is... Here's trash. See, because I linked mine. So now, if I go on the Patreon... Yeah.
00:15:19
Speaker
Right? Because right here, you see, I got Necronomapod right up here. Shout out. if If I click that shit right there... Yeah. I can hit switch to creator profile.
00:15:31
Speaker
And then now I'm on ours. Yeah, that's what I was trying to do. So unfortunately, it wouldn't let me do it because I have this fucking creator account that I couldn't figure out how to delete. We have one active member, but 27 total visits.
00:15:47
Speaker
We also might just start selling episodes for like $250. And if you like it, then you can just subscribe to the the channel. Yeah, like some other shit, you know? Yeah. And then the fly would be more than that, but we would do it.
00:15:59
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So, so I email Riv, right? Well, I email support. I text apart. Um, but da da da da I have a, shut the soundboard.
00:16:15
Speaker
all right. Where's the, let me find the first email. So he, this guy says his name is Riv and he's here to help me or whatever. And he's like, before I can take any action, you have to tell me the exact date and amount of received currency of your two most recent payouts.
00:16:33
Speaker
Buddy, the shit doesn't exist. If you use direct deposit, please apply the last three digits of your bank account. Buddy doesn't exist. um PayPal email address. Don't fucking have that.
00:16:45
Speaker
The name of your profile on the site. I haven't even created the account yet. It's like in the steps to like make the account. It's not even active. Right. So I wrote. So he said, give me all this information. So I gave it. to i gave it to him.
00:17:00
Speaker
you Right. I wrote the account never received any money. i told what the account was called, which is I'm not telling you guys because it's personal information. um And I said, I didn't even know I had this account. It's still like the first steps of creating it. There's no, there was no currency. There's no money. It never received any kind of money. Please delete. Thank you.
00:17:19
Speaker
He writes back, hey, thanks so much. Please give me. And lists the exact same fucking things that I already said. I can't give you. I already gave you or can't give you because it doesn't exist. There is no. Riv, not Raj.
00:17:31
Speaker
It's Riv. Riv. um Then I wrote back again, I have not received any payments. and then he Then he writes, he wants to know when last logged into the account. Fucking today, dickhead. You can't see this? You can't see when I logged into the account? I use it every day for Patreon. use it every day to listen to the Patreons that I subscribe to.
00:17:51
Speaker
So I told them, then they they want to know when I create my Patreon. I don't fucking know. so i scream gun So I scrolled back through every fucking email I ever got in the secondary email that I use.
00:18:01
Speaker
From Patreon? Yeah. Yeah, and I guessed, and I wrote April 2017. Why can't you see this information? You work for Patreon. He's probably just trying to verify it. i i mean, I don't i don't know. i have no idea.
00:18:15
Speaker
So, ahead. There's nothing that someone can steal, so Then he goes, thanks for providing this information. Please go to this link and do this. Obviously, I'd go to that link and do that if if it worked. Why would I be reaching out to you if it if it worked?
00:18:30
Speaker
right So i write I wrote back, I wrote back, I can't do this, which is why I'm reaching out to you. That was yesterday. Today, he writes back, send me a screenshot of what you see. Buddy, buddy, delete the fucking account.
00:18:45
Speaker
So I clicked this fucking privacy link that he sent me to delete. now So now the only option I have because Rip fucking sucks is to delete my entire Patreon. So my member account, my creator account, it's all getting deleted after we start over.
00:18:59
Speaker
Well, that's not good. Because he couldn't just delete my creator account. It's all getting deleted. Which means I'm probably going to pay for like the the current subscriptions that I have whenever ah he decides that the account's deleted. is I'm just going to lose out on whatever I paid for.
00:19:15
Speaker
and have to pay again to restart my account. Yeah, that's fucked. Yeah. So all that being said, subscribe to our Patreon. Yeah, because Nick needs to start subscribing back to his other ones.
00:19:26
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. ah So fuck you, Riv. I don't like you. I'm saying it publicly. you're You fucking suck. Like literally fuck you, Riv. um So it's just going to delete my entire account. And I literally wrote specifically delete the creator account. Not every. I just want that. But whatever. What can you do?
00:19:44
Speaker
That's so. Speaking of pieces of shit like Riv, Friday 13th Part 3. You know, this movie, as Gerald alluded to, is absolute dog shit. um I i i genuinely wanted, wish I could have gotten my time back. The 95 minutes that I wasted watching this fucking piece of garbage.
00:20:05
Speaker
This is horrible. I mean, yeah, really bad. There's only like one thing in this matt ah movie. I almost said Madden. There's only one thing in this movie that actually matters, and it's... ah
00:20:18
Speaker
That's it. So this movie came out in 1982 directed by Steve Miner. We've already talked about this piece of shit before. um Benoit has no data for 1982. Four.
00:20:30
Speaker
Two. He didn't start until 86. um And he was an international tag team champion. This is concerning. The last time I watched this movie, I logged it a three and a half.
00:20:41
Speaker
Was I high? Probably. Probably high. I want to ask. I don't know. Why do you think? Why do you think Jason is like, at least for like people who are our age, like why is he still in the zeitgeist? Why is he still in pop culture when the movies absolutely fucking suck?
00:21:00
Speaker
You know what mean? ah these are These are garbage. i have I have one, two, and three. Well, three is not getting a good rating spoiler, but one and two are both two and a half. This is getting below a two and a half. Because he's part of the big three. That's probably what it is, right? his movies suck.
00:21:15
Speaker
I don't know. i I'm sure, like you said, some of them are good as we go further, but like right now, it's just not great. I pinky promise four and six are good. five ah Five, I've heard, like, I haven't watched it in, like, forever. Because even when I bought the Scream Factory shit and I binged them all yeah to watch them in, like, clear quality.
00:21:38
Speaker
Right. ah I skipped five because I knew I didn't like five. But I've heard the kills are good in five. We will we'll find out in November. ah but But to be fair...
00:21:52
Speaker
If we're talking the big three. Yeah. How many of them in their franchises are good movies?
00:22:01
Speaker
Yeah, I think you're right. You got Halloween one and potentially Halloween two. If you're one of those fucking fruitcakes that like two, two, isn't the worst thing ever. It's not not the worst. thing It's bad. It's just whatever. Unnecessary.
00:22:15
Speaker
Yeah, right I gotta say that that steelbook is fly as fuck. Oh, no, it is. Where he's walking out of the... Yeah, on fire. yeah Yeah, I love that one. And then the new trilogy with Michael, you we won't even talk about that. The first one's fine.
00:22:27
Speaker
2018, fine. Fine. Yeah, it's fine. And Fredward. Yeah. He's got a five-star movie, and then the rest are... Wow. One is a masterpiece. I like three. I love one.
00:22:40
Speaker
That's the Dream Warriors, whatever the fuck they're called. Yeah, the one where they're all like fucking... so I got superpowers now. Yeah. second one The second one, that kid was definitely gay. The one he was fucking with was definitely gay. Can't convince me otherwise. Big gay. Big gay.
00:22:53
Speaker
yeah and There's nothing wrong with that, but he was gay. No. so But then you got like the remake of friday or Nightmare on Elm Street, which is absolute dog shit. You haven't seen it. I've only seen up to a new um ah new nightmare.
00:23:06
Speaker
Yeah. And that wasn't great. But the that lady, the main bitch from the first one, she can get rinsed the fuck out. know what mean? Fuck yes, she can. What did I give the doink doink doink button to? I didn't give it a key behind it. Doink doink right there.
00:23:16
Speaker
No worries. Somebody shoved it in there. I got somebody shoved it in there. Oh, Martha and doink doink doink all right next to each other.
00:23:25
Speaker
and when it comes to slasher villains right like we gotta move on no hold on you can't even like put ghost face in there because it's a new fucking person every time so that doesn't count right i would agree with that yeah we gotta get like get arthur clown up in here now you know yeah he's here i don't know if thanksgiving wasn't so bad i'd suggest that but like thanksgiving sucked so texas chainsaw like it just the first one yeah sorry tobe and the remake but feel bad for you tobe um So Steve Meyer directed this film. He also directed part two and that's it. You said this movie was in 3D, right? When it came out.
00:24:02
Speaker
Yeah. So the screen factory Blu-ray has an option to watch either or. Yeah. but They don't give you fucking 3D glasses. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, there's a premium box set and I can't get glasses. Maybe they're just assuming you you're going to steal them from the fucking movie theater.
00:24:17
Speaker
You know, people i mean, kids used need eighty two people just do other movie theaters and like have 3D glasses. That was like a thing. I think they still do. I mean, there are still 3D shows even in Boston. They they have them.
00:24:28
Speaker
Yeah, there was an option to see send help in 3D. And I'm like, why? i don't want to do that. I don't think I want to do that. Yeah, no. Here's your cast list. We got Richard Brooker.
00:24:40
Speaker
He plays Jason. um He's in the final chapter is four. Yep. Right. And then I guess these are two documentaries.
00:24:51
Speaker
And spoiler alert, it's not the final chapter. Right. Also, spoiler, I'm not fucking this guy. but No. He ain't fucking it. Like, are you not fucking this guy Jason? fucking it.
00:25:03
Speaker
I'm not fucking... ah Yeah, I mean, I might fuck Jason in the mask, but soon that shit comes off, like, I'm out. I don't want to even be near him. As soon as you see, like, he's genuinely retarded, like, it's gone. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. ah This is being gay again.
00:25:21
Speaker
Hold on. A lot of technical difficulties this episode, and it's just what it is. Okay, next we have Dana Kimmel, who plays Chris Higgins. Why is your name Chris? I don't know but she's getting fucking dicked. She's getting fucking rinsed the fuck out.
00:25:35
Speaker
And I think she kind of looks like Geena Davis in the movie. Not now. little bit, right? In the movie. A little bit. Yeah, just a tiny bit. She get rinsed the fuck out. Somebody shoved it in there.
00:25:46
Speaker
ah Next, we got Catherine Parks, who plays Vera Sanchez. It's very interesting they have kath Vera as the third person down. When e she's like... Barely in it. Slightly mentioned. Yeah. um In the movie, she can get rinsed. I mean, I'm not against it.
00:26:04
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. A little Hispanic hoe.
00:26:10
Speaker
Next, we got Tracy Savage, who plays Debbie. Do I have it? Of course I do. Fuck! you Now I do with this big-ass soundboard we got. so It's like, i don't know if I'm fucking...
00:26:22
Speaker
When she was in the hammock, her tits out, I was like, i mean well I mean, yeah, my dick would be hard. Also, fucking in a hammock, that's like... Yeah, that sounds hard. You can get your dick stuck in the little holes. Yeah, you're like... You you think you're going in on on the fucking pussy and you're just fucking the hammock hole? Yeah. You're just fucking rope.
00:26:41
Speaker
You're like, yeah, babe. She's like, i don't feel anything. which and look Why am I getting rug burn? Like chap burn. mean... um i mean Yeah, that's what it is. I'll fuck her. I don't know.
00:26:56
Speaker
She's a little house on the prairie. shadow I don't know why David Wiley as able is even as a credit. He's like in the movie for 30 seconds. Why is he as high up?
00:27:07
Speaker
Yeah, not fucking it. This guy's basically the um crazy Ralph of this movie. Because Ralph died in the last one, right? Yeah, got fucking hit. Yeah.
00:27:19
Speaker
Next, we got Rachel rachel Howard who plays Chili. Definitely not fucking her. Who the fuck is this? Chili? She's the one where she sends... She's the stoner wife. Oh, she got an ass on her though. Yeah, she she when we're walking out of the barn, I was like... Yeah, she got an ass on her. All right, we'll give you the bud for that.
00:27:41
Speaker
ah Next we got... Fuck the cashier. Who gives a shit? but Next we got... yes ah Gaping anus. Next we got Larry Zerner who plays Shelly. This guy's fucking annoying.
00:27:54
Speaker
Yeah. Really fucking annoying. ain't fucking it. He looks like... He ain't fucking it. Like Seth Rogen. If Seth Rogen wasn't cute. Yeah, and if he was old and had arthritis.
00:28:06
Speaker
What? I'm in the movie. Yeah. Oh, in the movie. Yeah. I also got a little Jonah Hill. Yeah. It's like a combination of like Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen. Yeah.
00:28:16
Speaker
ah Next we got Paul Krakta. Krakka. Krakka. craftka Yeah, that's how you say it. He plays Rick. um I mean, Rick's kind of a cute kid in the movie.
00:28:27
Speaker
For sure. Yeah, i mean, he can get dicks. But here's my problem, right? Yeah. They're supposed to be like, what, college? This guy looks full in the movie. yeah Yeah, you're right. Yeah, he does. like, this is what a 40-year-old man in 1982 looked like, and he's just hanging out with like college kids.
00:28:44
Speaker
Somebody shoved it in there. It is weird. Someone called Chris Hansen. Somebody caught a lot of pervers in here. Yeah. A lot of perverts in here. ah the The funny thing is, if you click on his name, it just says actor, period. That's all it says. Oh, so wow. This guy's literally only known for this.
00:29:03
Speaker
And Christ Rising. We also have to shout out, he has no picture, Jeffrey Rogers who plays Andy ah because Andy is the guy fucking Debbie. So not like fuck you Debbie, but he's fucking Debbie.
00:29:16
Speaker
Fuck you Debbie! Chuck is the stoner Chuck's the stoner guy stoner guy. It took a long time for me you to figure this out. It was very fucking annoying. Because the names are so irrelevant in these movies. Yeah, so and they don't say them.
00:29:27
Speaker
And then I think we should shout out Betsy Palmer anyways because you're a legend and we'd fuck the shit out of you. Somebody shoved it in there. Okay, well, if you're new to this podcast, welcome. And typically don't have this many this many issues with my cat destroying my set.
00:29:41
Speaker
But We do a scene by scene, which is what we're going to do right now. And what I just read this review. It said, did not realize this was supposed to be 3D. Now it makes sense why Andy kept showing his girlfriend is yo-yo instead of having sex.
00:29:57
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Hey, girl, what's my string? You want to see it? Well, one of you dangled in front of your fucking titters. Yeah, do. She's got nice titters on her. I'll say that, too. They're small.
00:30:11
Speaker
That's the thing. like I feel like in the 80s, no one had titties. no one had like big titdties
00:30:18
Speaker
I guess not. um So, you know, these films, same as the last one, they spend a good portion of the first few minutes, 10 minutes of recapping what happened at the end of the previous film.
00:30:31
Speaker
um I don't think I need to waste my time on this. If you want to know what happens at the end of Friday the 13th, part two, go listen our podcast on it. Shout out to Mama Hate. Yeah. And spoiler, Jason's alive.
00:30:45
Speaker
of Yeah. And then there's a you know there's the credits. And then we cut and we see some fucking sheets getting dried.
00:30:56
Speaker
um Yo, this is Halloween, right? This is straight out of Halloween. Straight out of Halloween. And it also felt a little, when they're in the van, a little Texas Chainsaw-E. Yeah, right? They're like, wait you know those movies that are definitely better than this one? Way better than this? Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:12
Speaker
ah And this guy, Harold's like, I don't know. He's not like doing anything wrong, but his wife's a fucking twat. And she she's like, Harold, you fucking unhealthy piece of shit. She just like fucking hates him. I don't know why.
00:31:24
Speaker
he's just holding this pole. Yeah. And ah she's in the house watching the the news is covering the murders at Crystal Lake, which is from the second film. ah And then she looks outside and she the audience sees Jason. She thinks it's Harold she's fucking retarded.
00:31:40
Speaker
Harold, why do you look like you have fucking Down syndrome? Harold, when did you get so fucking tall and jacked and bald? And why are you holding a machete? Yeah. Harold, I told you.
00:31:55
Speaker
ah but I'm not into knife play, Harold. that shit away. So anyways, ah she goes outside to investigate and she thinks she sees him, but nothing happens. Doesn't matter.
00:32:11
Speaker
We cut to Harold, who is in a convenience store. He's feeding his fish. And then he start fucking starts eating the fish food himself. Now, this is wild behavior. Yeah. Why would you try fish food, you retard? It's not the Ben and Jerry's flavor. device right It's fish food.
00:32:27
Speaker
um I mean, I tried your dog's food once. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah. If I had to survive on it, it'd be fine. If I had to eat it, right. My cat mean a low keep my cat would be smelling good sometimes.
00:32:38
Speaker
If you got that canned shit, I'd probably like... i can you know It's called canned chicken and rice. I opened that shit. I'm like, smells kind of good. like i just I'm like, I see why y'all like this so much. This shit better than Campbell's for sure. Yeah, for sure.
00:32:52
Speaker
So we see Jason in the window. He also has a rabbit. I don't know why he has a rabbit. And then he's sitting there with his rabbit eating peanuts. Fucking weird. yeah and is wife He's eating his own stock.
00:33:03
Speaker
Yeah, it's not. Doesn't make sense. It's fucking stupid is what it is. Who's ass? Just go it. It's fucking ass. And then his wife comes in yelling at him for sneaking food because he's fat.
00:33:13
Speaker
And then she tells him go put the rabbit away. So Harold goes to put the rabbit away. And the ah the rabbit in the cage is dead. And there's a quote unquote jump scare here of a snake.
00:33:25
Speaker
And I guess it was in he'd be like, whoa. But you can see the string. so Yeah, that's also true. um Then I wrote, he takes a shit and he thinks he hears something outside and then, i mean, nothing happens because this these movies are the king of that. Just, oh, I think I heard something.
00:33:46
Speaker
And then there's nothing. Let me take 20 minutes to investigate this sound. Yeah. And then eventually he opens his door and he takes a fucking cleaver to the chest. Then his bitch wife comes looking for him and she finds an albino rat or mouse.
00:34:01
Speaker
um And she's like scared by this little mouse. And then a hand reaches into the window and grabs her fucking face. And she takes us was ah some kind of fucking rod. No, it's like ah it's her knitting needle because she's a fucking...
00:34:15
Speaker
Yeah, she is. She's knitting it. You know what So she takes us fucking mini shit she takes a granny's needle through the neck. Yeah. um And then we cut to these fucking kids driving this van. This is Chris, Andy, Debbie.
00:34:31
Speaker
And they're there to pick up and fucking Chelly. Can't forget Chelly. They're picking up Vera. And Shelly, I wrote he's wearing a Kyrie mask. Oh, my God. Kinda. You get hit in the face. Yeah. um And he's like really big into the pranking people because when are they not big into pranks during these fucking movies?
00:34:55
Speaker
ah And ah apparently they're like trying to set up Vera and Shelly for like to like to date or whatever. It's like a blind date because ah they didn't want to go to the fucking lake by themselves.
00:35:08
Speaker
Yeah, but if I was Vera and I saw Shelly, I'd be like, bro, get the fuck out of here. Because she's like, who's kid? What fuck is this shit? And if I saw him, I'd be like, oh, I just really convinced my mother to let me go to this fucking thing because this guy wants to get inside me.
00:35:22
Speaker
Dang it. His little fucking tiny dick. This guy's got a hood on him, probably. For sure. He's got a big hood. ah So they're like they're like, yo, is Vera here? And her mom goes back inside. and You hear the mom and Vera yelling at each other. And then she comes out.
00:35:37
Speaker
And then they think the van's on fire, but there's these two stoners, Chuck and Chili. What a dumb fucking couple. Chuck and Chili? Yeah, that's their names, bro. I know, I know. ah Anyways, the they smoke weed and they start driving this fucking camp and there's these cops behind them and they're trying to get rid of the weed, so they start eating it.
00:35:58
Speaker
um And then they pull over and the cops pass them by anyways, which I think everybody saw coming. Yeah, I mean... I also don't know what that would do.
00:36:10
Speaker
Like, if you eat it, i i you might just get, like... stupid high and not be able to do anything. Like you're not helping self yourself. I saw a guy eat weed once to try to hide it. Yeah. At work. not like You're literally fucking retarded. probably Not a good idea, of it No, dude, I would recommend you don't do that.
00:36:28
Speaker
Um, and they see this cop car go to the, uh, where Harold and wife, Harold and his wife got killed. Um, and they see that and they keep driving. Um, and then they have to like slam their brakes because Chris almost ran over, uh, this guy sleeping in the This able,
00:36:42
Speaker
And he found an eyeball and shows it to them. ah In 3D. And then they leave because they're scared because this is a random guy sleeping in the room with an eyeball.
00:36:54
Speaker
And they end up... And there's a sign when they're driving. it says Higgins Haven. Are they not at Crystal Lake? They're not at Crystal Lake. No. Which is kind of lame sauce. What's even the point?
00:37:07
Speaker
yeah We're at a different camp. Yeah. Not... I know what you're thinking. No. I wasn't, but now I am. Not the big bad one, you know? Yeah, right. No.
00:37:18
Speaker
Not my big A over there. lot of perverts in here. um Perverts? i don't know. don't know. A lot of Jews over in that camp.
00:37:30
Speaker
It is funny, though. This camp that they call it, it's literally a barn and a cabin. And that's it. yeah And then everyone just gets murdered in the barn. And that's the end of the movie. They should call this movie The Barn. Yeah, I mean, this is just someone's, like, summer house. Yeah, this is Friday the 13th, part three, The Barn. Yeah.
00:37:53
Speaker
So they pull up this fucking place. And they all want to go swimming. And Chris wants to take her bags inside first. um And this is where I wrote kind of like Jean Davis a little bit. ah And then she goes to the cabin. The door is already open.
00:38:07
Speaker
And then she gets jump scared by Rick. And this guy's like, hey, i look really old. of I touch kids. Yeah. Because he looks old.
00:38:21
Speaker
He does look old and he does definitely. I mean, he's touching an under. I don't know. It was weird. Let me play it again so you can hear it nice and clear. I touch kids. That's fucking disgusting. What the fuck? ah She was at this place, Higgins Haven, or where Hogs fucking meed two years ago.
00:38:44
Speaker
and
00:38:47
Speaker
I just lost my spot. Oh, and Rick really wants to fuck because he likes fucking kids. He wants to fuck? Yeah, Rick... rick really Rick really wants to fucking get it on with her. You know i mean? he's He's big into that.
00:39:01
Speaker
ah
00:39:04
Speaker
So she's like, I want to get to know you again or whatever. And then they go to get the bags and Chris thinks that she closed the van door, but it's open. Um, and then Shelly scares her and then she's like, they're all skiing, but I'm a big fat fuck. So I'm not going to go.
00:39:21
Speaker
I don't blame them. I wouldn't, even if I was skinny, I wouldn't go skinny dipping. Cause my fucking hog small. yeah Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Everybody be calling my shit piglet and I'm not about that. Come over here piglet.
00:39:35
Speaker
uh chris shows debbie to her room and there's only a hammock where's the bed uh and then they have this weird moment where chris is just staring out the window um and then this auto corrected but it's funny rick's pulling on his pulley it's not this guy's jacked though He is jacked. He's a farmer Farmer. boy way he's Yeah. farmer yeah ah he he's they have There's a pulley in this barn to pull bales of hay upwards, which i don't know why they need to do this when they're on vacation, per se.
00:40:10
Speaker
And he tells her that he gave up the weekend with Mary Jo Conrad. Who the fuck is that?
00:40:20
Speaker
Concrete. This scene is only there to set up the ending of the movie. Yeah. um And he's while he's trying to pull his bale of hay up, he's he's saying that his needs need to be met for three hours, one in the morning and two at night. so he wants to fuck.
00:40:37
Speaker
bra And then as he's pulling pulling the shit up, she's on the pulley. You what I mean? And they hear screaming. um So they go to the cabin and ah Chris breaks the door down. This is not the wall, but it's good enough.
00:40:54
Speaker
Where is this button nowadays? Here it is. Also, no Chris Jericho in the Royal Rumble. What the fuck is going on? Yeah, it's unfortunate, huh?
00:41:05
Speaker
ah I'm sorry. What are you doing, Chris? Probably feeling terrified of four. Actually, he's on tour. God damn it. On tour with Fozzie. Yeah. I'm more like Faggy.
00:41:18
Speaker
Yeah. thought her So, by the way, all these bleeps, you want to know what they are Go to Patreon. No, I'll give you a hint. It's virtual and F. Uh-huh. um So anyways, he wants to fuck all the time.
00:41:32
Speaker
They find Shelly. They're in Debbie's room and they find Shelly with an axe in his head, but it's a prank. Ha ha. So funny. um Vera decides she wants to go to the store and she's going to take Rick's car.
00:41:46
Speaker
And then Shelly's like, let me go with you. And then she drives off, but then she stops. And then he gets in the car with her. And this is so fucking annoying for a scene by scene because I'm writing like she drives off. And then, let me backspace that. Nope, Shelly gets in the car with her. Yeah, because.
00:42:00
Speaker
yeah I want to go. I want to go Please. You're listening to all tall. I wrote Debbie. Yeah, it is Debbie. Chris and Debbie go for a walk and Chris tells Debbie she's been seeing things and hearing things. I'm like, damn bitch. need to go back to the loony bin.
00:42:16
Speaker
You're fucking schizophrenic. No, you're in 1982. You're telling me you're seeing and hearing things. You need to be in the hospital. They'll probably fucking euthanize you or something. Yeah, you're done. like That's it.
00:42:28
Speaker
Uh, So, ah but you know, Debbie's like, yeah, chill out. It's fine. And then they go to the store that doesn't accept food stamps or EBT.
00:42:38
Speaker
ah um And ah Vera needs money. So Shelly throws his wallet over to her, but it doesn't make it. And this fucking bitch in high heels steps on it. This is this biker gang. I fucking hated this so much. I really fucking hated this.
00:42:56
Speaker
Some the most cringe dialogue ever. And she sits there and this lady's standing in the wallet and they're like just bullying Shelly and Vera. Um. And then eventually they get the wallet back and they leave. And they're just sitting the car, not leaving, which they could just leave. But then then the non-mean of the biker, there's three of them. There's a lady, there's a white guy, and there's non-mean.
00:43:18
Speaker
And this non-mean walks out and he looks at them and he's holding a chain for some reason. um Just broke out of the shackles.
00:43:29
Speaker
Oh, then Shelly's old. Oh, fuck, he's black.
00:43:36
Speaker
Uh...
00:43:40
Speaker
But ah so they they want to leave, but Shite puts his shit in reverse and he backs over their fucking bikes. Bikes! Bikes! And so then this non-mean walks over and breaks their windows and then he just drives away and then he decides to turn back around and run over the bike again.
00:44:00
Speaker
And then we cut and Andy is doing his little yo-yo tricks on Debbie's tits. You know, she likes it. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. You like it when I touch your nipples with my little... Want me walk my dog on your fucking cat?
00:44:17
Speaker
Bark for me, bitch. ah Fucking Shelly and Vera come back and Rick sees his car and he's pissed off. He wants to leave. And Chris is like, I want you to stay. Be like, you won't fuck me.
00:44:30
Speaker
And she's like, but I will. Eventually. I'm only here for puss. I want to fuck you and leave. Because unlike camp counselors, I think these motherfuckers are just on vacay.
00:44:45
Speaker
but Yeah. ah They get in the car. Fucking Chris and Rick do. And then. Chris, Rick. ah Debbie wants to go for a swim with Andy.
00:44:57
Speaker
And then she goes to get some towels. And she thinks she hears something. What else is fucking new? Then she leaves. And this biker gang pulls up. And they want to siphon the gas out the car. Did say that right?
00:45:09
Speaker
Siphon, yeah. I thought they siphoned the van out the gas, but I don't know. I don't i don't know. no I think you're good. Okay. um And this white guy in the gang really wants to suck the hoes, but the non-mean wants to do it you know know And you know why the non-mean wants to suck the fucking hoes, because they got them DSLs big. You know what mean? They be sucking dick. You know what I mean? Um...
00:45:34
Speaker
and i mean bo alert um What is it? What is this one? yeah Gosh, I did it. Oh, okay. It's interesting. fucking did it. I fucking did it. So, oh, also, I didn't tell you the picture that I have for the yo is literally Danny Towers. i mean, that's good.
00:45:54
Speaker
Yeah. ah So the black guy wants to suck the hose and that's fine. um And then this ratchet bitch, she goes looking for these kids inside the barn. And then she gets, Jason's like washing her while she's like rubbing this fucking saddle down. You saw that? Yeah. like it Saddle on the fence. And she's just like, m yeah, i want to fucking ride. I gotta pause this because guy I can't say this in the recording. And we're back.
00:46:19
Speaker
um so Wow. Yeah. So anyways, ah she almost falls on a pitchfork and then we cut back and Anamin tells the white biker guy to go start dumping gasoline in the barn. It's not like he's like saying like they're going to get back at them. It's not even their barn.
00:46:36
Speaker
What do they care? They don't fucking live here. We're in the fucking now and who gives a shit? Who fucking cares? Yeah. Um, and then, ah so the white guy walks over and this bitch is, she's swinging from the pulley. And then I guess she just disappears or whatever.
00:46:51
Speaker
um and then he goes looking for, for her in the, in barn and you just follow him for like, what feels like hours go up the fucking stairs. Um, and then we find this lady with a pitchfork through her neck and then he takes one through the stomach.
00:47:07
Speaker
Now, you're probably wondering, how long how far into the movie are we? Because I'm kind of speedrunning this a little bit. I'll tell you, at this point, we're 42 minutes in. And things are just starting to happen.
00:47:18
Speaker
This movie is 94 minutes or whatever it is. And this we we had two kills back-to-back in the beginning. And then we go 40 minutes with nothing. Nothing. They're fucking gone.
00:47:29
Speaker
Just people playing pranks going, oh, it's nothing. Okay. Okay.
00:47:36
Speaker
So, not means outside. Ask him to open door. How about fucking open the door yourself? Yeah, come Fruit bitch. Yeah, whatever. ah He goes inside, and as he's walking through the barn, this white biker falls on him. He's dead. And he starts yelling for the lady, which, why would she be alive?
00:47:54
Speaker
um And then he sees Jason jump down, and he grabs a machete, but Jason just beats the shit out of this guy. beats his face in. You don't see it, but. He's got that retard strength. Yeah, he does. Big.
00:48:06
Speaker
We cut to Debbie and Andy coming back from swimming. And Andy wants to go roll around in the hay a little bit. yeah How you doing? You want know want to get fucked next to the horse manure?
00:48:18
Speaker
That's the thing. Bards are fucking disgusting. Yeah, it's gross. It's fucking disgustings disgusting. It's fucking disgusting, yo. Yeah, I got a straw infection now, you know I'm saying? Straw's like sharp at the ends, you know? Yeah, you get splinters, yeah. Make that fucking pussy neigh, you know what I mean? he's like um he's like trying to fucking eat her out, and she's like, why are you nibbling the hay? Like, what your fucking muff feels like.
00:48:42
Speaker
He's like like, yeah, dirty talk to me, and he's like, well but
00:48:50
Speaker
ah he kick He kicks her in the head. like you fucking donkey kick yeah She's trying to she's trying to fucking him remember me just fucking kicks her in the head
00:49:03
Speaker
get two plus My ass whoa whoa whoa and She's like I was trying to fucking stroke it from the back, you know, what I mean it's just like now like that it's all like He's like whoa I said you can lick it and not fucking finger it. Yeah, what are you putting in there?
00:49:18
Speaker
ah About to make me gallop, bitch. No, you're putting Shelly's fucking cock in there? What's going on? Is Shelly fucking me from behind now? Yeah. ah So, anyways, that never happens.
00:49:32
Speaker
And they decided to go inside. ah Yeah, they were fucking in the shed. in the barn. Kicking the forehead. Just rolling around horse shit, getting beat.
00:49:44
Speaker
yeah Um... So we cut to Rick and Chris. they're just sitting They're just sitting outside somewhere. And Rick wants to know why she came back. b And she's like, because a strong woman. And I want to prove it to myself that I can do this.
00:50:00
Speaker
Suffer through my trauma. This is big, mean one vibes. A little bit, right? um And Rick is still trying to fuck. And she's like, I haven't seen you. Stop it Stranger danger.
00:50:11
Speaker
um And then we cut back these stoners that are asleep in the cabin and Andy and Shelly are juggling, which what makes a woman's pussy drier than juggling? I mean, i don't know. I mean, so probably molestation, right?
00:50:24
Speaker
Oh, no.
00:50:30
Speaker
gos I did it. oh I did it. ah ah Yeah, I mean, I'd imagine getting sexually assaulted might make your pussy a little dry. That's fair, right?
00:50:41
Speaker
um Respectfully. Are you ready? to get fucked in. So. ah Debbie's like, hey, you want fuck? If it makes you stop joking, I'll fuck you. Whatever it takes. You're right on the spot.
00:50:59
Speaker
Uh, and then Shelly, Shelly pitches Vera, like the two of them. And she's like, eh, I got to think about it. And she walks away and he calls her a bitch. And then she goes out on the porch. We cut to Debbie and Andy and they're going fuck. And he doesn't know how to fuck in the hammock, but she thinks he has not a fuck at all. And like, well, you know, you get on top of me.
00:51:19
Speaker
I got on top of you. You kick me in the face. Yeah. You just shove it in there. I try to stick my finger in your butt and you don't like that. did You kick me the head. Fucking donkey kick me.
00:51:30
Speaker
Anyways, we cut back to this is Chris's harrowing story. And she tells her about how her parents yelled at her one night because she was out late getting fucked by Rick.
00:51:42
Speaker
And I mean, dude, this is a couple of years ago. That age gap. We might be in like statutory rape territory. and That's what I'm saying. Rick's definitely like like two years ago. How old were you, Chris? You know i mean what mean? Right.
00:51:55
Speaker
What button did you press? I touch kids. oh like It's just happening. Who is that? I don't know. i just The little fucking button is just like a gorilla and it says kids.
00:52:06
Speaker
i just I just picture a fucking fat white guy like blob from X-Men. just I touch kids. I think it's a kid saying that he touches kids. which is which is Which is legal for him. youre he's truly He's technically allowed to do that.
00:52:22
Speaker
Right. Come on out, you rapist! I mean, that's this guy. Yeah. um Oh, I forgot I did this. Okay. Well, we'll try this out in a minute. I don't think you're going to like it, but we'll try it.
00:52:36
Speaker
like um So they're going to, don't know what the fuck. Oh, so she was out like getting fucked by Rick. We don't know if it was legal or not. And then she got home late and they weren't happy about it, but she didn't care. And then she got slapped by her mother.
00:52:51
Speaker
So she went out and hid in the woods all night and she got awoken by some footsteps and it was Jason. um And according to her, he dragged her away and then she don't remember. Imagine getting fucked by a guy way too old and a fucking retard. Yeah. who well Yeah. I mean, that's crazy. look at When you wear a sweater.
00:53:15
Speaker
Put my mom's skin on your face. Oh, fuck you. ah So she doesnt remember anything else. And then she woke up in her own bed the next day. So I don't know. I don't even know if this is like even real or not. But Rick's car battery dies with the walk back. We cut to this stoner husband who goes to the outhouse. Shout to Shrek. I didn't pull anything for this, but ah boness Shrek swamp.
00:53:43
Speaker
uh he smokes weed in the outhouse and starts shaking uh and his wife uh this is chuck i forgot his wife chili just scares him um yo you think that's what she fucking leaks chili they call her chili she just gets explosive diarrhea when she's getting eight out and then she's just like she's like ah i got a big one he's like oh there's a there's a fucking kidney bean coming out And that's how Wendy's makes their chili. Yeah, Wendy is just some bitch that gushes chili.
00:54:16
Speaker
oh Their fries suck. I fucking hate Wendy's fries. They're trash. I haven't been to Wendy's in a while, but I feel like they're overrated. Yeah, they're not good. um So, anyways.
00:54:30
Speaker
They go into the barn, and there ain't nobody in there. And they leave, and Jason's behind them. And we see Vera sit on the dock, and she gets her foot grabbed. How you done? um And it's Shelly and he's wearing the quote-unquote Jason mask um What happens next you'll find out right after this ad break Hello, you're now in an ad read. got a Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, we're we're Gerald's sick of regurgitating the same lines at the beginning and the end of the episode So here we are in the middle. So here's one one nice ad read to check all our shit out plug it in plug in
00:55:04
Speaker
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00:55:16
Speaker
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00:55:29
Speaker
And then go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you'll want it available on the same page. Do you fucking want it or not? And before we end this ad read, shout out to Jackson behavioral health. All this will be linked in the description below.
00:55:46
Speaker
Click it and stick it. And now back to the episode. My cousin told me she's obsessed with our ad read. Really? Well, she's going be really upset when it gets fucking changed. Yeah. When we start talking about the Patreon.
00:56:00
Speaker
ah um Also, now that we're doing like the button recording, like you're going click it now, right? Well, that's why I was like, don't know if you're going to like it or but can this. It works. We can. The only problem is like, now that it's linked to your little audio thing, if you talk, I think it's going to talk. So your fucking little like sniffle might be in there. That's fine. Fuck them. Yeah.
00:56:22
Speaker
yeah Who gives a shit? Okay. We do it. We do it live. Yeah. ah She gets scared by Shelly. Vera gets scared by Shelly and he's wearing the fucking Jason mask and he's holding, what do you call this thing? It's like a fucking spear.
00:56:37
Speaker
It's like a, oh, wow. Yeah. It's like divers used to like kill fucking fish and shit. but know mean Like they probably should have had this on a, on the boat where they were hunting fucking jaws.
00:56:51
Speaker
Yeah. That would have nice. You don't just know, we're talking about. Yeah. It's a spear gun. Um, just launches fucking Batista. He just spears you. Um, I walk for miles.
00:57:04
Speaker
hu
00:57:09
Speaker
So anyways, he scares her and then she's like, I do like you, but you're a jerk, which makes no sense because why would you like this? I like you, but you're fucking Jewish. Yeah, and he's like, well, it's better than being a fucking nothing. mean, he's just a little incel cuck and I just don't like him.
00:57:24
Speaker
And then he goes and pouts and sits on the porch and Shelly goes back to sitting on the dock and she thinks she hears something. what else is fucking new? And she goes... ah Oh, Shelly thinks he hears something and he goes to the bar and looks in the window for Chuck and Chili. What a crazy fucking name.
00:57:40
Speaker
um And he goes inside and gets jumped scared by some shit falling. don't know what the fuck it is. um Vera accidentally dropped Shelly's wallet in the river and she tries to get it.
00:57:51
Speaker
And then the actual Jason comes walking out holding the same gun that Shelly was holding, wearing the Jason mask, the now well-known Jason mask. And then he shoots her right in the fucking eye with a spear gun.
00:58:02
Speaker
So will say this is probably the best looking effect just because it I don't know. You can't see strings. Yeah, um that's fair. It probably hit crazy in 82, though, the 3D.
00:58:15
Speaker
That's valid. Yeah, I think so. We cut back to Debbie and Andy. Andy's just like finishing busting a nut in her. And then she gets up to go shower because she's probably covered in cum.
00:58:27
Speaker
um And after you fuck, the woman's supposed to like clean up in there, right? She don't to get them infections. Right. Yeah. Yeah. makes a lot of sense. You don't want be fucking making some croissants up in there.
00:58:38
Speaker
Right. And he's like, where are you going? She's like, I'm going to fucking clean my twat out. or do you mean? Where am I going? You fucking devoured me. I'm good. Yeah. Look, I like you, but not that much. ah i like you, but i don't want your kids about to squeeze all the cum out.
00:58:54
Speaker
By the way, Jake, I guess you and I, like you talked to Jake yeah two days ago and I talked to Jake yesterday. We both brought up anal glands and he's like, why the fuck do you and Joe brought up anal glands so much? And I was like, I don't know. just what happens.
00:59:09
Speaker
I think I asked him to eat my anal glands and he was like, you don't have any. And I was like, how do you fucking know? Yeah. Me and him were talking about, I was like, well, you know how you have to like, you know, squeeze out a dog's anal glands. Can you do that with like a human? Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, you don't have any, you fucking idiot. Yeah, pretty much. So I'm like, why the fuck not?
00:59:27
Speaker
Yeah. Um, Andy's like, Andy loves to walk on his hands. Andy, not and he, Andy. Like Jake couldn't walk on his hands he tried. um And he goes for. Could you?
00:59:39
Speaker
No. in ah In a pool. In a pool I could. That's cheating. Yeah. ah So he's like, oh I'm going to go for a beer. And then he doesn't go for a beer.
00:59:51
Speaker
This whole scene's a fucking mess. She's like opening and closing the curtain. I don't know what the fuck's going on, but he gets killed by Jason at some point. And then she keeps calling out to me. He's not answering. And then she's like, I don't want the beer anymore.
01:00:03
Speaker
um And she gets the shower and she's still calling for him. And then she decides, you know what? Fuck. I'll just read a magazine. um And there's a shout out in the magazine to Tom Savini.
01:00:14
Speaker
Yeah. Fucking goat. She's reading Fangoria. Fucking cool. Um, and then you people that don't know Fangoria is like, uh, like a horror magazine that like got big.
01:00:29
Speaker
And it's kind of weird that they shout out chum chum. Who's chum? don't know that they shouted out Tom Savini. Cause he worked on the first movie. It's like a weird fourth wall break.
01:00:43
Speaker
Shout to him. Yeah. Shout out to him. Big. And then Godzilla. Yeah. yeah But fuck Godzilla. I stand on that. Yeah. And then, so basically she gets stabbed through the fucking, oh, she knows there's blood dripping on the magazine pages and, Homewood got folded up like a fucking pretzel and like shoved in the ceiling. Kind of. It's fucking cool. Yeah.
01:01:06
Speaker
And then he's like just dripping on her, but not calm. Now it's blood. Um, what if it's his bloody come? Like he's still got like a little ooze coming out. It'd be funny if he was stuffed up and he was still hard.
01:01:18
Speaker
So, oh shit. Hey, I can fucking ride that. Yeah. I'm throwing it back. Throwing it a back on the ceiling dick. It's like a glory hole, but it's in the roof. Yeah. I mean, that's a crazy fucking ankle.
01:01:32
Speaker
She's like, anybody got video camera? i want to get to record this. Yeah. so then she gets stabbed through the hammock. This happened and in two, right? Someone got stabbed through the belt in the bunk bed.
01:01:44
Speaker
Like the blade comes through the foot or one. In one, Kevin Bacon gets through the neck. Yeah. Yeah, very similar kill there. ah We cut to Chris and Rick trying to go home, and they think they hear something, and it's windy outside. Who fucking cares?
01:02:00
Speaker
We cut to Chuck. He's making some popcorn, and Chili thinks she heard it screaming, but it was probably just Debbie having an orgasm. um And then she sends Chuck to check the fuse box because the power goes out.
01:02:12
Speaker
um We follow Chuck, and he finds a dead skunk. And then Chuck thinks he hears something. What else is new? Um, and then Chili's like, oh, Chuck, you're back already. And Chili walks in with his fucking throat slit.
01:02:26
Speaker
Uh, and she thinks that he's playing dumb, but, uh, he's actually dying right in front of her. Little does she know. This is not a fucking game.
01:02:35
Speaker
Uh, Chuck gets the lights on and Jason's behind him and he gets his face thrown into the fucking electrical panel. don't He's electric. He's dead. I don't get how that works. I don't know either. Yeah, I don't... You know what mean? Like, you can touch it. It's a fucking circuit breaker.
01:02:52
Speaker
You can fucking touch me if you want. so I will. I'll flip your switch. Yeah, I'd like that. You know where you know where it is. Tainable lands. Apparently, we don't have them, so I can flick your roid. Yeah.
01:03:05
Speaker
Yeah, you could. You still got him or what? I don't got him. Nah, bro. You're the one that you had a severe hemorrhoid issues. I had a little, I mean, this past week I had a little itch, but like i didn't have like full-blown hemorrhoid. Every time I poop, if I don't, I get like big itch.
01:03:21
Speaker
I bet you could go like this with your fucking hemorrhoids. You could pick the fucking pages. ah I bet go like this and fucking just all your fucking hemorrhoids. That's fucking disgusting.
01:03:32
Speaker
But I think your sister's onto something whenever there's mass amounts blood. don't know. no Hold on. Hold on.
Strange Health Remedies Discussion
01:03:39
Speaker
Yo, your sister, dude, she's onto something. Every time i bleed like profusely, yeah something pops and then I don't itch after I poop for like two weeks and then it comes back.
01:03:50
Speaker
That's interesting. You mean like like that stuff they put on blisters but like inside your asshole. Neosporin? No, yeah, there's also like, ah what is it called? Like moleskin that you like put on your fucking, like if your blister pops to like help it reduce, like not like swell again, there's like stuff you can put on it.
01:04:06
Speaker
Like after it pops. I used to have second skin for when I was bowling because I would get a big blister on my thumb. Yeah. should get that for your butthole then. Just line your butthole with second skin.
01:04:17
Speaker
I just need to find someone that'll do it. I got you. Thanks. It's probably hairy there, though. Yeah. We'll put it on Patreon. Yo. Hold on. I manscaped my gooch. Should we say this for mixed bag, are you going to it here? No, that was it. Oh, fucking awesome. Yeah, my gooch. It is nice. It's nice. I just got to get up in my asshole, but that's gross. Because then, like, if there's, like, shit, right?
01:04:39
Speaker
On my manscape, and then I use it on my fucking cock. Yeah, that's gross. Get a shitty cock. If you get a bidet, though, you could probably just clean it out real nice then just shave it. That'd be nice. Not while it's wet. I'm just saying get a bidet to clean it out.
01:04:53
Speaker
My luck, I'd break the fucking hole or white pipe. Fucking struggle. don't know what you're talking about. would have fucking stroke. That's fair. So...
Friday the 13th Part Three Climax
01:05:04
Speaker
um Chili realizes that Shelly's actually dead and she go runs to talk to Debbie, but they're dead too.
01:05:12
Speaker
And then Jason sticks a fucking hot fire stoker right through her stomach. But also she has some of the worst acting ever. oh my gosh, Shelly's dead.
01:05:23
Speaker
Yeah.
01:05:26
Speaker
Which sounds like you're right. um Rick and Chris arrive back and they say he's really quiet but it's literally the middle of the night so I don't know why would it be loud what literally why would it be loud right now um and they can't get the door open because it's blocked by a chair but Rick pushes it open because he's an older guy that's that's strong they um and the popcorn's burning and Rick goes to the living room and there's nobody there and he comes back and goes I can't find anyone
01:05:58
Speaker
Oh, fuck. He's fucking horrible. I'm going to look at him. Have you seen the other campmates? Right behind me, dead in the closet. No way.
01:06:12
Speaker
um so it just So he's like, I'm going to go outside. She's like, wait, I want to come with you. He just just doesn't wait for her. And he goes outside. ah And then ah she goes outside and Rick is getting choked out around the corner. And Chris is just like, Rick, Rick, you know, be funny if Jason was just stroking him.
01:06:36
Speaker
and He's fucking right there. and then he's like, she's in the cup chair. He like says like a safe word. and He's like, oh man. Yeah. That was a little too hard there, man. Yeah. Machete. Uh,
01:06:49
Speaker
so then, uh, she doesn't give any effort to fucking look for him. Um, and then we see Jason squeeze Rick's head in. Uh, and then Chris is inside. She walks into like water dripping. So she goes upstairs and finds a tub with overflowing amounts of bloody water. And it takes her way too fucking long to be like, what the fuck?
01:07:09
Speaker
Right. Uh, So then she runs off because she's freaked out and she's looking for Rick. And then she decides, you know what? Let me go to the barn where everybody disappears. I got an idea.
01:07:20
Speaker
Yeah. I know where it's safe. And then a dead biker falls in front of her. ah And she runs back into the cabin. um And it's really windy outside. So the doors and the windows keep opening.
01:07:33
Speaker
And she blocks this one door. And then she keeps calling for Rick when his body comes flying through the window. It's kind of funny, though. It is kind of funny. Yeah. Rick!
01:07:44
Speaker
Then Stone Cold comes. Fucking stunners her. I forgot.
01:07:50
Speaker
Yeah, I have that. Let's 103 episodes in, I have it. ah So he chases her upstairs and she dumps some books on him. I guess these books like knocked him out or whatever. I don't know. They're books.
01:08:04
Speaker
He's like, I can't read. the man The man literally gets hung in this movie, but a couple books, he's like, oh, fuck him out. couple two tree books. Yeah. Yeah.
01:08:16
Speaker
Jason, she hides in a ah ah room and finds, this is not Chili's dead body, this is Debbie's dead body. And Jason tries to break the door down using an axe. Shout out to The Shining.
01:08:27
Speaker
Worked out. ah Chris takes the knife out of Debbie's fucking neck and she stabs Jason's hand and stabs him the leg. And he tries to throw at her and she dodges it and she keeps running.
01:08:40
Speaker
And then she breaks a window on the second floor and she tries to jump out, but Jason grabs her by the jacket. there yeah ah like I didn't use fuck you Debbie after any of these Debbie scenes. That sucks. Nah, it's fine.
01:08:55
Speaker
Whatever. You got too many holes. her. Yeah, too many holes to plug. So he grabs by the jacket. She's like fucking hanging and the jacket rips and she falls to the ground. And then I wrote in all caps, goes back inside because she's a fucking idiot.
01:09:09
Speaker
For real. And she waits by the outside door and hits Jason with a log. And she runs to the van that has no gas in it. But I guess it drives for a little bit. And then it gets stalls out over a ah over this little wobbly-ass bridge.
01:09:23
Speaker
um And she tries to run... ah Jason over but he dodges it um and then i guess the the bridge can't hold the weight the van and it starts to like fall and then Jason grabs her through the fucking driver's window and she rolls the window up to like crush his arm and he releases her and she runs out the passenger side um and then Jason breaks he like headbutts the window to get his hand free and then runs after her and then she's like where should I go how about the barn
01:09:54
Speaker
That's always the go-to spot. How's the barn sound, Jesus? And then I wrote she... I don't know. She secures the... Was he born in a a barn?
01:10:05
Speaker
Probably back then. Wasn't it little shed? What'd they have back then? know, a little shed in like Afghanistan or something. i was yeah i was just yeah Yeah, I was just saying, I was just saying, Jesus, like, he probably needs Jesus to save her ass if she believes in that kind of thing.
01:10:19
Speaker
Oh, right. you think like You think Jason believes in Jesus? I think Jason is too retarded to understand anything else besides killing people. Yeah. Mommy told me to kill.
01:10:30
Speaker
Yeah. I kill with my fists. i i For some reason, I just think of him as like Barney from The Simpsons. She goes in the barn and she's like, i wrote secures the door. She puts like that that perpendicular fucking plank, lays it down. what I It's like yeah locked, like the door's like locked in. i don't know what you call that.
01:10:49
Speaker
That class. Well, she uses like a, she doesn't use the plank, does she? It's like a smaller plank. Yeah. It's like a lighter plank that she can pick up. Right. And then later Jason's like, I got it.
01:11:01
Speaker
I got the big plank on me. And literally at the beginning of the movie, we see a scene recapping from the second film where the door is like blocked like that. And Jason just picks up and drops it. And the same thing happens in this movie.
01:11:13
Speaker
Like this guy's buff. Yeah. He's buff as fuck and retarded. So watch out. Um, so anyways, he goes in, he goes looking for her. She hides upstairs behind some, uh, hay bales.
01:11:26
Speaker
I mean, she fucking smacks her with a shovel. Uh, And then she attaches him to the pulley. and She hangs Jason with the pulley. i was like, that's pretty fucking fire. It is pretty nice. I mean, that scene, that scene, this whole scene of like when she runs into the barn all that happens. I'm like, I fuck with this.
01:11:45
Speaker
Yeah. That part's like a minute to the movie. Yeah. That part's nice. I like that. um She comes down and she can't she can barely get the door open because Jason re-secured it. And then she finally gets it open and Jason is hanging there.
01:11:59
Speaker
And then he pulls himself off the noose. ah And then this he's like im trying to attack her. And this Namin comes back and saves her and he loses his arm like Mace Windu.
01:12:11
Speaker
yeah ah And then, you know, he's like trying to fight, but he gets he gets beat up. And Jason is literally just like cutting him in into little pieces. Cut him up into pieces.
01:12:24
Speaker
So shout out to Eminem. Shout out to 3M. We always had that. I just had to get it in the soundboard. Oh, that makes sense. Bring back all the fucking haymakers. So i don't know who the fuck I am.
01:12:35
Speaker
ah She... ah Chris throws an axe through, not throws it. She just puts an axe in Jason's head and he collapses and she runs to a canoe and she floats in the river. And then she falls asleep till the next day and she wakes up screaming because ah log hit the canoe and she pushes it away. And then a duck lands like a jump scare kind of. And then she sees Jason in the window.
01:12:57
Speaker
Um... Of the barn. And she tries to towel away. But the boat is stuck. And Jason's running after her. And then she turns back around. And he disappears. And then we have a mama head. She's back. And she comes out of the water. And grabs this fucking bitch.
01:13:14
Speaker
Kind just like the first movie. We're just yup rehashing shit at this point. Just out of ideas. but we're to make eight more. um it actually goes up to ten. It's Jason X. Yeah.
01:13:28
Speaker
Like you thought they ran out of ideas ideas when he went to Manhattan. No, now he's in space. Yeah. Doing fucking what? Um, cops arrive and she's getting a squirt out of the, uh, the house and there was never ever a lady in the lake. And, uh, she's basically a fucking nut job.
01:13:45
Speaker
The camera pans back to barn and Jason's body is still there. Dead. End of film. Oh, this movie fucking so one of the worst things ever, but she does like, it's in the head with the the axe. and Yeah.
01:13:59
Speaker
That little axe. You can't see me? You can't see me. That little axe slit stays in his mask. So that's nice. It's nice little touch. They do continuity it. Continuity it. What the fuck? This movie's cunt.
01:14:12
Speaker
Yeah, movie's straight fucking cunt. Which, by the way, I found out my my sister is cool with like retard stuff. uh and like that stuff and i said cunt go down facetime with her and she was like oh and i was like oh yeah cunt's no good she was like no i was like all right i was like i need you're cool just to a limit no cunt so uh anyways i'm gonna give this movie a star and a half i fucking hate this movie i never want to watch it again it's i can't yeah it's the worst in the franchise for me so far i'm giving it to a one because there's not even like a kill or like
01:14:45
Speaker
I thought a one was too mean, but I will also give it a one if you're giving it a one. I thought one. I was like that's probably too mean. But yeah, i won. A one because it introduces the fucking mask. And I like watching Jason hang.
01:14:58
Speaker
Yeah. um He's just hanging out with the homies, you
Upcoming Episode Teaser: Black Klansman
01:15:01
Speaker
know? Yeah. I was like, mean it like that. I don't know. but um Tuesday, not next week, because this is a bonus, ah you're getting an episode on Black Clansman, which we're going to go review right now. Well, not right now, in a little bit. Like with a two hours. As of right now, two hours before recording, we have a special guest. We don't know if he's going to show up or not, but we do a special guest, and he smells. so And they don't like Jews, and he's Jewish.
01:15:34
Speaker
um I have a lot of thoughts on Black Landsman, actually. I do have lot of thoughts. So I'm excited to talk about those. And it's not just jokes. it like jokes i don i say i don't I don't know if I can make jokes about that movie. It's too much. It's too much. I have literal like serious thoughts about that film for the first time ever. yeah um I got some buckets, though, so get ready.
01:15:53
Speaker
Oh, boy. No, just one. Just yeah two, actually. Okay. ah And until next time, we'll see you guys next week. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark, I'm gonna hang you from a barn.