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EP. 99 Spiderman 2 (2004) (fixed audio!)
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Transcript
Introduction and Setup
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
00:00:34
Speaker
want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk? We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
00:00:55
Speaker
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Two Guys One Screen podcast, aka the Hemorrhoid Homies, aka the Poe Town Boys. My name is Nick and I'm joined by Gert. you Peter.
00:01:08
Speaker
but This is ah what we call a banked episode. It's going in the vault. That's actually what it's called, The
Debate: Best Superhero Movie?
00:01:17
Speaker
Vault. yeah yeah For the record, it's Monday, August 11th, 2025. This might not even come out this year, so we'll see. yeah happy birthday hot twenty twenty six Happy birthday, Alexis. Alexis.
00:01:27
Speaker
That's fact. It is a fact. ah And we are here to review goddamn classic of a movie. Best superhero movie of all time.
00:01:39
Speaker
and um i know I'm saying it. I'm saying it. like it's the best one it's better than dark night i feel like yeah right everything there's only one other competition against it and it's dark night and like it's this ah this movie's this movie's so much better Yeah. and So much. Make no mistake. Dark Knight is a five out of five. This is so much better.
00:02:03
Speaker
Is this a six star movie this movie? If I would give this movie more stars, by I love this movie. I mean, truly,
Deep Dive: 'Spider-Man 2' Analysis
00:02:10
Speaker
truly love this movie. I don't know. I don't think I'm Spider-Man. It's Spider-Man 2. I don't think I've ever bonded with someone over agree talking about like trailers on a DVD before until I met you and we talked about this movie.
00:02:26
Speaker
This movie's DVD trailers were something. Fucking heat, dude. But one you don't remember and you're just wrong. what What one? The one that was about about don't don't don't pirate movies.
00:02:40
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I don't remember that at all. a dank in and It's in my so Snapchat memory somewhere. I'll put it on the Instagram. No, I won't. ah Anyways, you don't like this movie, it probably the podcast for you. mean, that's one of the many things you could not like, but...
00:02:56
Speaker
that that's one of them. I mean, it's hard to hate this movie, right? No, I'm saying like we in our comedy could be a problem for people besides them, us glazing this movie and them not liking it.
00:03:08
Speaker
Oh yeah. Like up front, if you don't like us talking about fucking twat, maybe you shouldn't listen. Do you think there's someone who likes Spider-Man three more, more than two? Yeah.
00:03:20
Speaker
I mean, that probably exists. I hope, I mean, it's sad to think about that, but it probably exists. Yeah. By the way, do you think that Sam Raimi just makes trilogies and makes a third one dog shit? Is that just like his thing?
00:03:33
Speaker
Is that just what he does? Potentially, right? I mean, this kid gave this a four and a half. What did he give Spider-Man 2?
00:03:44
Speaker
Oh, four and a half. He gave the same. Same as what? He gave Spider-Man 2 and 3 four and a half. ah I mean, yeah I'll be honest. It's been like...
00:03:56
Speaker
hot years since I've seen three. been hot year since I've seen any of these. but like um don't even have I don't even have Spider-Man 2 logged on Letterboxd. I just have it rated.
00:04:07
Speaker
Because I knew it was 5. That's like a guaranteed 5. There's like a couple of them. you're and you know Yeah, you just know. This is a 5. Easy 5. I was just thinking about this, right? Let me take you back real quick right to the Christmas Day 2006. 2006. That is... We're fresh out of Chris Benoit.
00:04:26
Speaker
Fresh. It just happened. Nah, it happened in 2007. I thought it was May 2006. I thought it was May 2007. All right, ahead. Because he was supposed to be in SmackDown vs. Raw 2007, and seven they had to pull him.
00:04:39
Speaker
Last second. Yeah, you're right. 2007. I'm sorry. yeah So Christmas 2006, right? Just before gas Christmas. want to ask Christmas. That should be a movie. Christmas. on the last Christmas.
00:04:55
Speaker
New slasher coming through couple soon. yeah I got a DVD player, right? yeah This movie he and Revenge of the Sith.
00:05:09
Speaker
ah What what what fuck could you possibly fucking want? What else could you want? What a Christmas you fucking had, dude. As a kid, for sure. shit i have I watched the 4K copy that you gifted me. It was either a birthday or i don't know what it was.
00:05:24
Speaker
I just gave it to you because they sent me another Amazon sent me two copies by accident. And it looked good, but I will say this. The menu... Oh, you had the same one as me.
00:05:35
Speaker
Menu's fucking horrible. Awful. God awful. The rest of the film was great, but the menu was trash. Yo, and take a note, everybody out there, right? 2004 CGI versus what some of the shit we're getting today.
00:05:50
Speaker
Okay, I do want to say this about the CGI. Some of the CGI, like you knew, was CGI, but it wasn't... i don't mean that in a negative way. It's like 2004 CGI, and it's like, this is good.
00:06:03
Speaker
Yeah, but they hit it really well. like yeah it's It's pretty much only when like Doc Ock's carrying someone. That's only when I really noticed it. Oh, I noticed it only with the when the the sun was in the... Not the sun, like the sun in the sky. The sun he was trying to make.
00:06:19
Speaker
Oh, well, yeah. That was clearly, you know... Yeah, that that only that part. And even like Spider-Man swinging on webs isn't even wasn't even bad. No. Like at all. No.
00:06:30
Speaker
You know why? Because you know who fucking made it? Sam. Sam. I will tell you, I did have ah the thought thoroughly en enveloped my my mind when I was watching. i Who directed this?
00:06:42
Speaker
I was like probably 25 minutes in. Really? And I was like, who directed this? You forgot? was like, this is the Raimi trilogy. Yeah, I forgot what it is. Because I was getting a Evil Dead throughout all of this. Yeah, we'll get to that. I mean, he yeah the his horror background really adds this movie big.
00:07:01
Speaker
Big. Before we divulge any more information about this movie, we'll do... it in, plug it in. So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie request to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com.
00:07:20
Speaker
Follow us on Tik TOK, YouTube, follow us each individually on letterboxd, and then send us a voicemail five away eight fist us five away eight dip tip six minute limit.
00:07:35
Speaker
And then go listen to our other podcast on physical media called Yeah, you want it? You fucking want it? I'm fucking give it to you? It's on this fucking page. I'll tell you that much. Fucking click it and stick it in your butt.
00:07:47
Speaker
Do whatever you want to it. Yeah, I would agree with that. All right, so Spider-Man 2 came out in the year 2004. This is pre-Chris Benoit, but post-9-11. There there you go Pre-Chris Brown, meaning he was alive, but he wasn't dead yet.
00:08:03
Speaker
And not pre-like he wasn't born. Right. He was on this earth. He was getting concussions currently. For sure. I think he might have won the championship either in 2004 or 2005. One of the two.
00:08:17
Speaker
The movie was directed by the legend Sam Raimi. ah I'd say this man doesn't miss, but he does miss sometimes. He he does. Yeah, I mean, he did Oz the Greatest.
00:08:28
Speaker
That's a bad movie. Yeah. ah I think Doctor Strange Multiverse of Midness is just mid. Drag Me to Hell, I just think is kind of mid. Darkman also, you asked me that, just kind of mid.
00:08:42
Speaker
A Simple Plan, I'm pretty sure this has an error release, but I'm too scared to just blind buy it. I want to watch it first. Never even heard of this. Neither have I, but it has everyone I follow gave it. Mid-level me gave five stars.
00:08:55
Speaker
I see that. That's kind of wild. Yeah. What is this? But I am just... I'm just curious just because it's Sam Raimi.
00:09:04
Speaker
Right. And it's like... i don't know. I feel like he excels when he can do... more of this creepy stuff, you know? Right.
00:09:15
Speaker
I mean, Evil Dead is great. Evil Dead 2, I'm not as big on. Army of Darkness is just bad. Yeah, but then, like, if you look at, like, producers, he was a producer on the fucking grudge, dude.
00:09:27
Speaker
Haven't seen it yet. It's mid,
Character Arcs and Struggles
00:09:30
Speaker
but he's a producer on Crawl. I love Crawl. I know a lot of people hate that movie. That movie bangs. I think it's fine.
00:09:38
Speaker
I gave it a two and a half. What'd you give it? I don't think I've rated it in the Letterboxd era. m Unless I have. No, you haven't. He also produced Evil Dead, the remake, and Don't Breathe.
00:09:52
Speaker
Yeah. But then at the same time, the yin and in the yang of all of it, he also produced 65, which currently has a 2.1 on Letterboxd. This movie that nobody fucking cared about. oh that Adam Driver one, right? Yeah, that literally no one gave a shit about.
00:10:05
Speaker
At least he's just producing, right? He's not. He didn't direct it. So he also produced Locked, that movie about Bill Skarsgård getting locked in a car, which I never went and saw. i didn't either. But I was kind of curious about it.
00:10:18
Speaker
I also had a ticket. Fun fact to see Weapons last night and i fell asleep. How late was it?
00:10:28
Speaker
think it was like a nine o'clock showing. You fell asleep. like Did you wake up at like 11 something? Or did you just, you were out? I was out. And then by time I woke up, like, I could have went and saw like the late, late showing. But I said, fuck this. i don't care.
00:10:42
Speaker
Weapons, which we did not cover in the podcast. I went and saw it. It was great. And honestly, I was going into it. Like, we talked that day. i was like, I do not want to go see weapons. But I was so bored that I was like, I'll go see weapons.
00:10:54
Speaker
Full theater. Packed. Fire. So now it's like, I have to see it. It was a good film. I enjoyed it. I didn't think I would enjoy it. I don't think it's a horror movie. I'm on the record. I don't think it's horror. I think there's moments, but I don't think it's horror.
00:11:08
Speaker
I haven't seen people call it like a horror comedy. ah People think it's comedy. here Here's my thing. I just don't find it funny, and I don't find a lot of movies funny. like I have a feeling even doing this movie, there's comedy in this that was funny at some point, but me today watching it just did not find it amusing.
00:11:26
Speaker
That's fair. That's just a me problem. That's not a yeah this problem it's just a me problem we're just desensitized to everything humor yeah i mean we're talking about flicking bean uh or i don't know yeah it's just like not nothing's gotta to be the most vile shit yeah it' to be funny yeah we're broken human beings We'll go down the cast list here.
00:11:51
Speaker
ah Kick it off with Tobey Maguire, who is Spider-Man. Big Tobey. A.k.a. Peter. I mean, I'm fucking this dude, right? You have to. Yeah, right? Like, he's kind of ugly, but, like, that's kind of the charm of him being Peter Parker. Oh, this picture of Letterboxd, you could fucking get it.
00:12:09
Speaker
Oh, with the beard? Yeah. But he's got a crazy forehead. He does, but he's old now, right? Yeah, Tobey Vincent Maguire. Loki, haven't seen many movies with Tobey Maguire in it.
00:12:23
Speaker
You watch The Great Gatsby in school? Or am I lying? Okay, yeah, i saw Great Gatsby and I've seen Pleasantville. i You haven't seen Tropic Thunder? I haven't. Yeah, you're not missing that. It's fine.
00:12:34
Speaker
Oh, he was in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? he's all lawyer He's also in Babylon, but that movie's like almost, oh, it's more than three hours, and you have to wait until almost the end of the movie to even see him. So yeah if you're going to watch Babylon just for that, I wouldn't recommend it. But Margot Robbie's in and she's a piece.
00:12:50
Speaker
She is a piece. um Next, we have ah Kirsten Dunst, who plays Mary Jane Watson. mean, she can fucking get it, right? Is even a question? Yeah, she'd get fucking spin-cycled. That's it, dude. Throw in the fucking washer.
00:13:03
Speaker
Yeah. So, she's a piece. Next, we got James Franco, Harry Osborn. would say James Franco is also a piece. Yeah, he really is. say Say what you want. like Isn't he like a bad dude or something? Is is he Is it him his brother? Is it James or Dave?
00:13:23
Speaker
I don't know. so they They both act the same way. They both just like... They're like stoner vibes. Yeah. that's all That's like all they do. ah but He has a credit for Alien Covenant, but I'm pretty sure he's in it for like 30 seconds. He's like on like a... What is it called? How do they talk to people on that thing? It's like a little fucking hologram. Oh, yeah. That's what he's in?
00:13:46
Speaker
That's all he has. ah i almost said his best movie is Sausage Party, but he's in this movie, so never mind. It's also in the interview. like that movie. Do we watch that together?
00:13:57
Speaker
I don't think so. It wasn't in theaters because it got banned. John though. That's true. We did. Uh, next up we have honestly one of my all time favorite actors, Alfred Molina, who is doc, o AKA auto Octavius.
00:14:11
Speaker
Look, I'm just telling you, I know he's not really a piece, but I'd give it to him. Yo, he got in like decent shape for this movie, right? was younger. He was younger. he was younger ah are you okay We can fuck him as long as he's like jerking me with at least one of the arms.
00:14:30
Speaker
Why you acting like he could jerk you with two of you guys small dick. Well, I said at least one because maybe he's like fingering me with a different one. Like my anus, you know? Dude, jawns have three prongs on each one. there There's 12 fucking holes to plug.
00:14:44
Speaker
Right. lot of holes. He can choke me, jerk me, fist me. like We got to get it all. He can jerk himself too. Nibble my ear. He still got one more fucking arm.
00:14:55
Speaker
Yeah. Spank me. There you go. Besides this movie, my favorite movie that he's in is ah Identity, which is a movie about DID, the woman multiple personalities. yeah He's barely in it, but it's fucking great.
00:15:14
Speaker
I would recommend that too. I think I gave you... No, I didn't. Never mind. did um
00:15:22
Speaker
Anyways, Alpha Merino loved that fucking kid. That fucking kid. didn't get fucking rinsed out. so ah Next, you said on the fly. Do you want to skip and come back if you've not made up your mind yet? Or do you want to go for it?
00:15:35
Speaker
I think we can go for it. Low-key, yes. Yeah, right? like ah Next, we got Rosemary Pondt. I'm sorry. Rosemary Harris, who plays May Parker. I'm sorry, dude. I asked you off the podcast. did She can get rinsed the fuck out.
00:15:49
Speaker
I mean, yeah. All the hype over like fucking Aunt May and the ah Tom Holland ones. Nah. Yeah. Yeah, i mean i mean, the one in Tom Holland, she is hotter than this lady. But I'm sure Rosemary Harris harris as a lady back in the day was a fucking piece. Oh, for sure. She was born in 1912. She's been through the fucking war, bro. like Almost all of them. Multiple wars. Almost all of them.
00:16:13
Speaker
Yeah, these picture her as a young lady. This is a picture her in 1952. Yeah, you can fucking get it, lady.
00:16:23
Speaker
She was in a movie literally called Holocaust. That's what it is. Got 3.7. There you go. Next we have, my personal favorite character of the entire movie, JK Simmons, who plays J Jonah Jameson.
00:16:39
Speaker
That's not a fucking joke. Every time this, i mean, first of all, JK Simmons legend, check out our, he was in whiplash. We covered, uh, episode like 21. I want to say, if I had to guess, wow. Shooting from the hip.
00:16:53
Speaker
Uh,
00:16:56
Speaker
Great actor, but he every time J. Jonah Jameson was on screen, I was fucking dying. Oh, he's the best character. He's the best character. He's so funny. And it wouldn't surprise me if J.K. Simmons just like ad-libbed all that.
00:17:10
Speaker
I'm sure. ah He's getting the button. Fuck that. Fuck yeah. I'm fucking rinsing out J. Jonah Jameson with his fucking Hitler mustache. don't give a shit.
00:17:20
Speaker
Oh, for sure, dude. Next, we got Donna Murphy who plays Rosie Octavius. She's a she's not in it that long, but she is a piece. She is a piece.
00:17:32
Speaker
And she does get a ah nice death. and That's fucked up, but you know i mean. Do you think it's a nice death? i actually thought it was kind of lame. I mean, they can't show it. No, I just thought it was kind of lame, though.
00:17:44
Speaker
I don't know. I like the way it was shot. It was? Yes. With the reflection in the glass. That was nice. that was Yeah, i get it. But I don't know. would have liked to see her go out. It's a superhero movie for kids. I get it.
00:17:57
Speaker
ah Next, we got Daniel Gillies, who plays John Jameson, a.k.a. the astronaut. ah Is he like too conventionally attracted to like get fucked? He's just one of those guys where it's like all the girls are going to drool over him, but like he ain't nothing. He ain't fucking it.
00:18:15
Speaker
He ain't fucking it either. ah We got Dylan Baker, who plays Dr. Kurt Connors. The fucking lizard himself who never became the lizard. But he was the pervert principal in Trick or Treat.
00:18:30
Speaker
That's true. um I'll be honest. I don't want to fuck this guy. No, good actor. he don't got it from me. Great actor. Just don't got it from me.
00:18:41
Speaker
No. Also, he's ah fuck he's into kids in a lot of movies that he's in. don't like that. i don't I don't like that. ah
00:18:51
Speaker
You got Bill Nunn, who's Joseph Robbie Robertson. He's like Jonah's assistant. This dude must have a fucking crazy piece on him, right? He's a big boy. Just a monstrous fucking cock. He's in a lot of black people movies.
00:19:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:09
Speaker
yeah is uh i think that's gonna be a skip for me yeah i don't think i'm fucking him and it's not because he's black fucking it we say that he ain't fucking it this lady vanessa for for alito it says she's louise is this the daughter of the mr dickovich No, the daughter's Ursula. Who the fuck is Louise?
00:19:31
Speaker
Oh, the the secretary wants to fuck Peter. There's no fucking way that's her, bro. She looks so different in this letterbox picture. Yeah, this is her in her prime. think she looks better in the movie.
00:19:45
Speaker
You think she looks better than movie? Yeah. You like that short hair? I'm not into short hair like that. No? No, it's just not for me. Give that fucking bob, bro. I mean, i'll either way, she can get fucked. Make no mistake.
00:19:58
Speaker
Get fucking rinsed out. I don't give shit. ah Next up, we have Asif Mondavi. Mr. Azif. Is this the guy that's running for mayor in New York City right now?
00:20:10
Speaker
That's his name, right, Mondavi? i think so, yeah. I thought he looked familiar. He's in The Dictator. Good movie. He's in the best Die Hard with a vengeance because Bruce Willis says the N-word.
00:20:25
Speaker
Whoa, wait, what? Okay, no, he doesn't say the N-word. Die Hard with a vengeance? Who says the N-word? Okay, he doesn't say it, but Bruce Willis is on the side of like the road yeah wearing a sign that says, I hate and then like hard R. And it's Samuel Jackson saves his ass from a bunch of like thugs.
00:20:46
Speaker
Oh, it's 1995. It's okay. It's fine. know Next we got Willem Dafoe, I think, is all do a little too high up on the cast list. He makes a very slight cameo at the end of the movie. His scene would have been a way better post-credit, but were before that. Yeah.
00:21:08
Speaker
Have we talked about Willem Dafoe before in this podcast? Have we... don't... Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice? don't like that. What did we say about him? mom We didn't have the buttons back then. No. but we're fucking him.
00:21:19
Speaker
i We're fucking him for sure. Bare a minimum for the clout. Yeah. fruit He's not, like, attractive by any means, but, like... Yeah. Will and Dafoe. I think we can...
00:21:31
Speaker
I we just skip the next guy. We'll just go to Ted Raimi, who is Hoffman. Shout out Sam for putting Ted in all his movies. He's literally in every very fucking movie he does. It's fucking great.
00:21:43
Speaker
And this bitch. Who's this bitch? Elizabeth Banks plays Miss Brandt.
00:21:52
Speaker
I don't know who she is.
00:21:56
Speaker
Also, because she's blonde. here There's no blondes in movie, was there? No. No. We'll just skip her. I mean, she's a piece. don't know who is. You get rinsed out, but. Right. Next, we got Bruce Campbell. This is for sure a. Oh, yeah.
00:22:10
Speaker
Shout out to Bruce Campbell, the fucking legend. Yeah. Ashley and fucking self, all right? If you don't fucking know who Bruce Campbell is, unfortunately, you just got nothing coming. well Just you need to you just this is stuff you guys need to know. If you don't know Bruce Campbell is, start watching the Evil Dead. Start watching all Sam Raimi's movies. He's in every single one. Just fucking get learned.
00:22:32
Speaker
And if you don't. OK, for all the like the the female listeners, he's in Sky High.
00:22:39
Speaker
Oh, I didn't even fucking see Stanley's cameo on this. He's literally in it for five seconds. He's pulled some bitch out of the way. He's like get out. I probably was writing notes. yeah
Action Sequences and Visuals
00:22:50
Speaker
ah I don't think we need to talk about the fucking doctor, but I do want to shout this guy, Ilya Baskin, who's who is Mr. Dickovich. This guy is great.
00:22:59
Speaker
Rent. Do you have it? He gives me big, uh, who's the guy, who's the guy in star Wars episode one that I need the money for the, whole for the boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the fucking, uh, sorry. How what's his name?
00:23:16
Speaker
Greedo. It's not Greedo. It's not Greedo. Han shot first. Right. Uh, is it, it's not like Jalamba or some shit. It's like something like that. what's the first one called Phantom Menace?
00:23:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:34
Speaker
o If I get famous, start and a half. i Start a half is low. That's pretty bad movie, though. I watched it with Jake. Shout to Jake. Watto. It's Watto. Watto. You mean? i need the money.
00:23:48
Speaker
You want a boy? Give me penis.
00:23:53
Speaker
My nose looks like a dick. It's a new definition of cock snot.
00:24:03
Speaker
I ain't fucking this dude, though. Sorry. He ain't fucking it. No. He ain't fucking it. I think that other way think we'll end it with... ah Well, we got two more, actually. We got fucking Magina Tova. This Ursula.
00:24:19
Speaker
Are you fucking this girl? That'd be kind of a wild hit. She's be honest if she came into my apartment and she was like, would you like some chocolate cake? I'd be like fucking yeah. You know what else? I want some fucking clam. Yeah, like give me your fucking chocolate cake. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Let's have a dessert in the end.
00:24:36
Speaker
If she had a little more milker on her, maybe. Yeah. right. We'll just do skip. Skip. undecided undecided also i just i mean you text me about it but i just feel like we we should shout him out uh the man the myth the legend joey coco diaz has a cameo in this movie the fuck i was like i was like no fucking way is that joey diaz no i'm surprised you didn't know that i guess just because i watched a lot of comedy shit it's just kind of like known that he had a cameo in spider-man 2 yeah i had no idea uh
00:25:07
Speaker
Anyways, that's the fucking cast list. If you're new to this podcast, we do a scene by scene. So we talk about every scene by scene. One more shout out. Not part of the cast, but part of the crew.
00:25:18
Speaker
The crew. The fucking man, the myth, the legend himself, Danny Elfman. That's the fuck on. Fucking music bop so hard. Yeah. Goes hard. Fucking Danny. You're a fucking no. Shout out Danny, not Danny Towers.
00:25:31
Speaker
No. Yeah. Uh. All right, so Spider-Man 2, technically you need to have need to have watched Spider-Man 1, but a little bit. Technically, yeah, but... i mean, I'm just saying if you're just popping to listen to this episode you haven't seen, Spider-Man 1, maybe go watch that. 2002.
00:25:49
Speaker
a Space Odyssey. Okay. ah The intro's very cool, like the comic book, like, it's kind of a recap of Spider-Man 1, so technically you don't want to see it, I guess. Yeah, but if you want more, you know.
00:26:01
Speaker
um But we pick up with Peter who is ah Peter. right he's right peter i don't know how many times I'm going to able to get that out, but it's going to be a lot. Peter. i have Peter written like every time and I don't know what we're going to do about it.
00:26:15
Speaker
uh he's on a like a motorized bike and he's ah staring into mj because her face is on all these posters because she's in a production she's like big fucking time now and he's like a nobody you know she has money and he's dirt poor but it's fine because he's fucking spider-man you know what i mean he's fucking spider-man but unfortunately they don't pay him to be spider-man o well who's paying him who's paying him
00:26:44
Speaker
Jameson a little bit for like taking pictures of himself. He's getting paid to take selfies. That mean that is true. ah Either way, he's staring billboard to MJ and he almost crashes into Mr. Aziz, who is the manager of Joe's pizza.
00:27:03
Speaker
Which doesn't make sense. Is this fucking Joe? Or is this Mr. Aziz? Is it Joe Aziz? No fucking way this fucking... dudderoo His name is Joe. right i think I think it's probably like Joe's pizza is like a franchise. And he has a guy managing that store. Right. Like it's not Muhammad's pizza. well But for some reason, yeah they don't have the fucking Quran on the fucking front desk.
00:27:26
Speaker
russe I might believe that. I don't know. ah But the... What I'm saying is Joe might have a bunch of pizza stores, but I'm not sure why in New York you'd hire a fucking do-do-do to fucking... Right? Like... in your pizza shop.
00:27:42
Speaker
Right. Like, I want an Italian guy who's like, hey, you gonna fucking eat something gonna get the fuck out here? Honestly, I would rather an Italian guy even a fucking Mexican would be okay with me. Yeah, just... Let's just be honest. as Mexicans are operating Italian restaurants.
00:27:57
Speaker
And they're hard workers. Not just Mexicans. We'll say all of Central America. yeah This guy probably smells. But, I mean, i for sure probably smells. ah So either way, Joe's Pizza has a 29-minute delivery guarantee. And Peter has eight minutes to go, I think he said 40-something blocks.
00:28:18
Speaker
Like 29 minutes in New York City? I don't know about that. Well, when you're when you're when you only have eight minutes left, that's not reasonable. No. ah if he doesn't do it, Z's going to fire him.
00:28:33
Speaker
It's fired. Peter tries to deliver the pizza on his bike, ah but he starts bumping into cars and shit, and he almost crashes at a red light.
00:28:45
Speaker
So he decides, fuck it. I'm to sling over there. I'm going to fucking sling dick. going to fucking shoot of webs to get over there. And ah on his way, he saves two kids from getting hit by a bus.
00:28:58
Speaker
Or a truck. Whatever it was. um And he's able to enter this building through ah the mop closet. I feel like this scene iconic. Fucking hilarious. It's still funny to me.
00:29:11
Speaker
ah All the mops are falling out of the closet. He's trying to push them back in. And he walks over and goes, pizza time. That's a meme. And she's like, this lady at the desk is like, you're late. I'm not paying for that.
00:29:23
Speaker
She's a fuck. She was serving cunt. Yeah, but she was a fucking piece. She was a fucking piece. You get ripped the fuck out. But, like, the boxes are fucking crushed and shit. like Correct. This one dude had a piece of pizza, like, in his hand, and then Spider-Man shoots his web at him to get the fucking slice of pizza. He already got fucking webbed.
00:29:46
Speaker
ah So she said she's not, she ain't paying, but this is my thing. If Peter wanted to keep his job, I would just fucking put the money up and be like, yeah, he paid. Here it is. Right? Like how's your job?
00:29:57
Speaker
You think they're just going to like, well, he doesn't have money. That's the thing. That's probably the thing. He probably has no money at all. ah So he gets fired at the pizza place. Then we just cut and Jonah is firing Peter for taking photos dogs catching Frisbees.
00:30:14
Speaker
um Because he wants photos of fucking Spider-Man. Damn it. That's what sells. Sex and Spider-Man sells. Exactly. And Peter says that Spider-Man won't pose for him me anymore because, ah Jonah. like That's a little burn gay. and instead
00:30:31
Speaker
You know, post me slinging your web. ah Give me a web shot. All right. Now, now give me a little, give me, give me a little like side cheek. Yeah. Let me see. ah So he's about to be done with Peter and Peter pulls a photo out of Spider-Man.
00:30:47
Speaker
ah He's like, all right, I'll give you this one. He's like, this is crap, but all right, $300. And Peter goes to the secretary to get it cashed. But ah also the secretary wants to fuck Peter.
00:31:00
Speaker
Oh, very obviously wants to fuck this kid. Um, so she's like, this doesn't cover the advance we gave you last week. And she's like, keep your chin up. And she like puts her, of his, her fucking hand on his face.
00:31:11
Speaker
And it's like, bro, he's like, nah, get on your fucking knees. Keep your chin down. know what I'm saying? Like, fuck. You're fucking suck me or what? Yeah. You and your little like woman suit.
00:31:23
Speaker
Um, here you know, last slide when we're suits. Yeah. Yeah, we call those dykes. Yeah. I can't tell if I want to fuck you if you want to fuck me. You know what I mean? Yeah. We cut back to Peter, who's running to school, but he runs into Dr. Connors, and he's late for his class that's already over.
00:31:45
Speaker
ah And Connors says that his grades are declining, and he owes him a paper on Fusion. And Pears says here that he wants to interview Dr. Octavius about that.
00:31:58
Speaker
We find out later a homie has no leads in getting to talk to Dr. Octavius. Like, unless, if he didn't know Harry, he'd be fucked. Yeah, he'd be in the fucking can. Dr. Conn's like, get it done or get failed, kid. I'm gonna fail your ass. He's like, he's also a friend of mine, so do fucking research.
00:32:17
Speaker
Because Pears is like, I want to be here. And Conn's was like, then be here. What's the problem? And that's like the last just you see Dr. Connors in like one leather scene and ah say a leather scene.
00:32:31
Speaker
no Yo, yo, he's fucking strapped up. He's ready to BBSM his ass. Like, yeah, peter you do your fucking homework. going stomp on your balls with a stiletto honestly like peter's a kid in this movie but it's good they casted toby because toby looks like an adult yeah then he gets like really mad and then he turns into the lizard and starts like lizard fucking him what's lizard fucking him i don't know he fucking hatches an egg what are you talking about
00:33:03
Speaker
Can we confirm that in the comics? Does the lizard ever... Yeah. does dr When Dr. Connors turns into the lizard, does he lay eggs? Yeah. I need to know. Yeah. ah We cut to a Peter arriving at ah his Aunt May's house where he's finding a surprise party and it's just MJ, Harry, and Aunt May.
00:33:25
Speaker
Also, you laugh that there's only four people at this birthday party. This was like every birthday party for my life up until I was 18. Yeah.
00:33:34
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, i can't i I had a couple birthday parties in my life. Not many. There was that one big one that I had, and then there was another one that was you, me, and Zach, and somebody else, where you gave me the Kyler Ren Funko Pop.
00:33:50
Speaker
Oh, yeah, I remember that. That was at my house, but I don't know. whether It was you, me, Zach, and somebody else. Or maybe it wasn't. Was it four of us? I don't know.
00:34:01
Speaker
Oh, bleep this.
00:34:04
Speaker
Yo, I haven't thought about that kid in forever. Yeah, he's big into Trump. Oh, fuck that guy. I had the i to block him on Instagram because he's big into Trump. Yikes. Like, really won't shut the fuck up about it either, which is kind of crazy. and We're not political either, but we're not. But I'm just saying, relax. Yeah.
00:34:25
Speaker
Either way, they have a party for him, and we find out that Harry is now the new head of special projects at Oscorp because daddy's dead. And he's not happy about that, obviously.
00:34:36
Speaker
yeah you ah i i think I didn't think that would be funny. He's not happy that his dad's dead? yeah Yeah. Yeah. Not too happy about that.
00:34:48
Speaker
And he's funding ah Dr. Octavius's studies and said he'll introduce Peter. want to meet him? Yeah. You want to fucking meet him, huh? And then the this conversation is like, going fucking watch you meet him in the corner and beat it.
00:35:05
Speaker
and ah It's like so sporadic because all of a sudden Harry's like, bro, MJ wants to fuck you, dude. Like, what are you doing? Yeah. A nice piece of pussy right there for you.
00:35:16
Speaker
Harry's all over the place in this movie. Like he's, he's an alcoholic. Well, yeah, but it's probably why he's so sporadic. Is what I'm saying? Yeah. But at least James Franco is like a good actor. Cause he's like, Hey Pete, haven't seen you in a while. Then he goes like stone face. like, see your fucking friend kill you.
00:35:31
Speaker
You see your fucking friend, the bug, huh? Yeah. I'll fucking kill him. Yeah. I'm going fucking squash him. um and speaking of which he asked, uh,
00:35:43
Speaker
I almost said Toby. Yes, Toby. Yo, Toby. asked Peter about Spider-Man if Peter knew Spider-Man was if he'd tell Harry, and Peter does not answer. So he has this weird loyalty to Spider-Man.
00:36:01
Speaker
I wonder why. That's fucking weird, man. There's a cut. The party's over. aunt May is falling asleep on the kitchen table, and Peter is looking through her mail. Wow, little snoop ass. And unfortunately, she's in foreclosure.
00:36:17
Speaker
ah And Peter wakes her up and says she's worried about it, but she don't want to talk about it. And she gives Peter some birthday money. It's about $20 worth.
00:36:28
Speaker
And Peter doesn't want to take it, but she fucking snaps. You're going to fucking take this money. I mean, yeah, but he's like, you need it more. Realistically, $20 ain't going to save her house from being foreclosed. So just fucking take the money, dude. like so That'd be so funny. Like, man, we're here to evict you. Well, here's $20 towards my bill. Right. Like, yeah.
00:36:53
Speaker
Like, you need gas to go home on your little scooter. Yeah. Yeah, she's sad about Uncle Ben. um And then Peter leaves, and MJ is just kind of waiting outside for him. And she very clearly wants to fuck Peter.
00:37:08
Speaker
Everyone wants to fuck Peter. Either literally or figuratively. You got a chocolate cake girl. You got the receptionist at the Bugle. You got fucking MJ. you got... Harry wants to fuck up Peter later.
00:37:23
Speaker
That's true. ah So does Mr. Dickovich's daughter, Ursula. Yeah, sure enough. Mr. Dick and your bitch. Yeah. yeah And Mr. Dick mr dicking your bitch wants to fuck up Harry.
00:37:38
Speaker
Peter. Peter. Peter? Not Harry. Harry, he's got a Harry Peter, right? Wait, what's going on? Yo, he definitely got a Harry Peter on him. Who, Toby or Mr. Dickovich?
00:37:49
Speaker
They all got fucking Harry Peters. I don't know. I truly like you know i feel like James Franco's hairless, though. I'll be honest. He's too clean cut. But that Ursula bitch, she's full bush. Full bush. Crazy, dog.
00:38:02
Speaker
ah So MJ's standing there. She's like rubbing his face. He's like, like he's going trying to keep it it. comes every time she touches him. Yeah. Which is good acting. Shout out to Toby.
00:38:14
Speaker
But is it no, I can't tell if Toby McGuire is like a good actor or like half the time. He's just kind of staring out in the middle of nowhere. where He's like, Oh,
Comedic Elements and Humor
00:38:23
Speaker
But I think that's why his face has been memed, but I will say it's, it's good.
00:38:28
Speaker
I think that's why he's so good as Peter Parker. Cause he's like an awkward fucking loser. That is. And like, ru that is truth. Andrew Garfield and Tom Holland. Like, i just want to fuck the shit out of them. Like they're not, you know, but if you're, if you're, if you're Peter Parker in this universe and you're Spider-Man and then on the side dicking down,
00:38:48
Speaker
fucking Kirsten Dunst? I mean, yeah you' life you you're a loser, but I mean, I would take that life. yeah You gotta to fucking go. You're shooting ropes left and right, if you know what I'm saying. Out of all fucking orifices. Yeah.
00:39:01
Speaker
i think that orifice, is it orifice or orifice? Orifice? Orphans? Like the holes in your face, like an orifice? What is it? I don't know. or Or is it like an octopus? Is it orifice? Orifice.
00:39:15
Speaker
An opening. A pipe, a tube, or one in the body. Let's go. The nostril or the anus. Hey, Google, relax. yeah Why is Google saying that? No.
00:39:27
Speaker
um So either way, she's rubbing his face. He's combing his fucking pants. And she's like, got something to tell me? He's like, where are you living now?
00:39:39
Speaker
thanks for coming. um On her way, goes to walk away. She's like, I'm seeing someone now. And then tells him that she's... our Peter tells MJ he's going at her plate tomorrow night.
00:39:54
Speaker
We cut to Peter arriving home and ah Mr. Dickovich is looking for rent. He's like, I got eyes like an owl. Or some shit like that.
00:40:07
Speaker
Something about a rodent. Yeah, he's like... ah sit He's just sitting there his boxers. and play Yeah, but he's playing poker with all his guys, and then he's just fucking half-naked. What are we doing?
00:40:21
Speaker
And then his daughter's, like, cooking on the stove, of kinda, but then she fucking almost burns down the whole apartment complex. And then music in the background is like... they anding andingaing I thought it was like poker. Yeah, you're not wrong.
00:40:35
Speaker
Uh... And he takes the $20 that Aunt May gave him Um, the next morning, I think it was just put in for comedic effect, but Peter goes take a shower and, Dickovich cuts in front of him.
00:40:48
Speaker
Also this scene, when you follow Peter home, uh, it really gives some perspective. Like now that I'm an adult, like Peter lives in a piece of shit apartment, like a piece of shit building, you know, when you're a kid, you're just like, what? It's just like a movie. But like as an adult, like damn, it's rough out here.
00:41:08
Speaker
You're like, damn, I got it good. Yeah, it's not but like my sink is not right next to my bed. And I don't have to like leave my like quote unquote house to take a shower. You know what mean? The next scene, Harry's introducing Peter to Octavius and Octavius don't have time to talk to students. But Henry was like, hey, bud, I'm paying your fucking bills right now. so you're going to talk this kid.
00:41:34
Speaker
um So Octavius says he's heard of Peter from Connors, and he's heard that he's smart, but he's fucking lazy. And Peter's like, oh, wow.
00:41:45
Speaker
Yeah. ah And Octavius' whole thing is that intelligence is a gift and not a privilege that should be used for the good of mankind, keyword good. Yeah.
00:41:57
Speaker
ah he shows peter this reactor. This fucking shaft. Yeah. Well, see my fucking reactor? Yeah. Yeah. He didn't show him his extra arms, but he showed him his fucking reactor. Right. He's like, I got a surprise for you tomorrow, boy. Wait till you see these fucking arms I can milk you with. Yeah. And essentially, he's creating renewable energy that would never like go away. He's basically making a sun.
00:42:23
Speaker
That would just on earth on earth, which is hindsight. Not a great idea. Yeah.
00:42:34
Speaker
We cut and a Peter sitting with Octavius and his wife, Rosie, and she invites Peter to Octavius's demonstration the next day. She wants to know about his love life. He don't know what's going on because that's just what it is.
00:42:51
Speaker
ah Octavius and Rosie met in college and Octavius like you know what you should do if you want some pussy right start reading poetry yeah he's like he's like yo that shit's advanced science he's like yo did Beethoven ma well ah did Beethoven sleep before he made the fucking sixth symphony or whatever did Crispin Wasp sleep before he murdered his family huh
00:43:21
Speaker
These are the things we have to think about, Rosie. These are the important things. Did those fucking jihads sleep before they crashed a plane in the Twin Towers? Yeah. What the fuck? That happened down the street, yo. What?
00:43:36
Speaker
Did Epstein sleep before he made the fucking list? I'll say Epstein epstein took a took time to make that list. You're right. he He's the smartest out of all of them. it Yeah, he spread the workload out.
00:43:50
Speaker
Yeah, and he's...
00:43:54
Speaker
He hooked his homies up because ain't nobody know yet.
00:43:59
Speaker
But I will say nothing like nothing screams straight man than reading a girl poetry. Yeah, I don't know about that, man. Because like even later, like Peter tries read Mary Jade poetry and like even she's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
00:44:18
Speaker
She makes no sense. Yeah. Uh, we cut next scene. Peter sitting in a laundromat, uh, and he's reading, some poetry and, uh, he goes take a Spiderman suit out of the fucking dryer, but it's dyed his clothes or the washer. It's probably, a it's probably a dryer. I don't know what it is. Yeah.
00:44:39
Speaker
At least he washes the suit. You know, can you imagine the fucking fumes on that thing? If you didn't wash it? Well, my thought process was right. Was like, okay.
00:44:50
Speaker
If Art the Clown washes his you uniform, right? Spider-Man's got to wash his. Uniform? Uniform? Like he's going to work? He is! Put in that work murdering hose.
00:45:02
Speaker
Shout out David Howard Thornton. Yeah. ah We cut and we see Peter getting ready for the play and ah he starts making his way to...
00:45:13
Speaker
the and he buys MJ some flowers, but he can only afford like three. Instead of one my bundles. Hey, or um as he's on his little motorbike thing, he wants run over by a car evading the cops and he has a little Spidey tingle.
00:45:34
Speaker
Hey, backflip. They'll be calling it that. Isn't that what they called it in the Spidey tingle one? The tingle? Yeah. I don't know, think tingle is a funny word. Isn't it spider sense?
00:45:45
Speaker
It can be whatever want to be. I'm calling it the tingle. My fucking cock. Tingles. I feel it in my cock, so I'm going to do a backflip over this fucking car. And some little fucking nah means is going be like, yo, how the fuck did you that?
00:45:59
Speaker
you got a hop, son. He's like, yo, I thought white men can't jump. And he's like, no, eat your fucking vegetables.
00:46:08
Speaker
Uh... The cop chase continues and one of these cars crashes and flips over about hit some civilians, but it lands in a web.
00:46:20
Speaker
And then another nah meme goes, ghost spy Go go! There was also a nah meme at the beginning who when Toby... Toby? When Toby switched to Spider-Man, the knob was like, yo, he stole his pizza!
00:46:37
Speaker
Like, no, bro, Spider-Man's not your cousin.
00:46:42
Speaker
cool Yeah, bro. Not everything's a fucking crime. yeah what the fuck, dude? um Spider-Man is able to catch these criminals. He webbed them to a light post.
00:46:57
Speaker
And ah we cut to ah Mary Jane at the play. And she's looking at the empty seat and said it's the wrong line because she said that Peter is not there.
00:47:08
Speaker
ah Peter pulls up. I didn't catch this ever until like just like this watch that he pulls up in the car. The criminals were driving. Yeah. The cops like a chief.
00:47:19
Speaker
If you park going to tow it. He's like, whatever. Yeah. You go fuck. So he walks inside and the usher is like, hey, your shoelace is like, hey, your tie. I want to or fix that.
00:47:32
Speaker
i want to You know, if you try and get some pussy, I'm fucking Bruce Campbell, you know. i mean, it doesn't matter what you do. This bitch going to throw her fucking twat at you. But you know, right. you might as well look good for it.
00:47:44
Speaker
ah And eventually he's like, no, you can't enter. Sorry, dude. Yeah. doors closed And then Peter's trying to like. Complain to him. He's like, yo, I know like Mary Jane Watson. And he's like, shh.
00:47:58
Speaker
No talking while the play is in session. You don't shush me, cuz. ah We cut and Peter's sitting outside, I guess, waiting for the theater to finish. And he's like, how? Playing the Spider-Man theme song. Like the OG. I mean, super fucking racist, though. Spider-Man!
00:48:19
Speaker
Spider-Man! The whatever-ass
Relationship Dynamics
00:48:22
Speaker
Spider-Con. made fly rice. i eat your dog Look out.
00:48:30
Speaker
You're kind of Spider-Man. Yeah.
00:48:39
Speaker
ah yeah It's fucking bad. It's aged so poorly. It did. So the play finishes and this bitch stops singing Spiderman. And, and, uh, she comes back later. She's very sad.
00:48:59
Speaker
Uh, and Harry's Harry. Who's Harry? Harry Osborn. Harry. har Peter sees Mary Jane get out to play and she meets up with her fucking boyfriend. They start tonguing each other down. Whatever the fuck his name is. John.
00:49:17
Speaker
John. John Jameson. Some cop cars pass by and Peter goes to get some action. Not pussy. ah And as he's slinging, he runs into some ED. His web stops working. It falls.
00:49:35
Speaker
ah And this scene was pretty funny. the He takes the elevator down because he lands on ah on a roof. And this guy gets in with his dog. He's like, nice suit, man. He's like, I made it.
00:49:46
Speaker
He's like, looks uncomfortable. Rides up in the crotch. Yeah, really fucking high up there, man. Yeah, I got a small dick, so really gets up in there. I get fucking streaks in this shit, you because wipe my ass. I ain't got time.
00:49:58
Speaker
Yeah, I can't be going. probably just wears a diaper. Yeah, spider diaper. or You can't be fucking fighting Doc Ock. I'm like, yo, wait a second. got a shit. Yeah. Hold on. but ah But this is one of the reasons why I like the Tobey Maguire movie so much.
00:50:13
Speaker
ah Spider-Man, if you get bit by a radioactive spider, right? Yeah. And you gain the powers of a spider, you would shoot your web i don't out of your body.
00:50:26
Speaker
All the other Spider-Mans have to make web shooters. But this man got fucking web in his veins. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they're just, he can shoot about his cock and his wrists.
00:50:37
Speaker
Yeah, it just makes sense, right? Because what do the other Spider-Men have, right? If you get bit, what do you have? Just super strength? That doesn't make fucking sense. And they're like jumping, whatever, climbing ability.
00:50:48
Speaker
You just turn into a black guy. And you get a tingle. Yeah, a black guy, right? ah guy I guess. Super strong, super fast. Bro, what fucking Namin could have held up the fucking that wall though that fell on MJ at the end of the movie?
00:51:03
Speaker
Shaq. Okay. um We cut to Peter, who was leaving a voicemail for Mary Jean. He's had some public telephone back in the day when they had those. Yeah, what do you call these things? It's not a phone booth. It's just like a public phone. Yeah, it's just
00:51:20
Speaker
Yeah. ah And as he's leaving this voicemail, Mary Jane walks into her house and here is the message being left. Because back in the day, you only had a phone in your house, right? Not in your pocket.
00:51:33
Speaker
And Peter is trying to say sorry for missing and trying to think of an excuse without saying he's Spider-Man. But ah some time his time expires and it needs more change to get more time. doesn't have any more.
00:51:47
Speaker
So the time expires and then he like rough drafts saying he's Spider-Man to her on the phone, even though she can't hear She's a nobody. He's like, wow, it's pretty crazy, huh? I'm Spider-Man. Yeah. I'll take you down still.
00:52:00
Speaker
Yeah. ah We cut to Dr. Octavius's demonstration. This is where he unveils his four. He calls them actuators, actuator arms that are controlled by Neuralink. I think this is what Elon Musk is trying to do.
00:52:16
Speaker
Yeah, he's trying to implant shit in us. Yeah, and ah this lady asked if he's vulnerable to the AI in the arms, and he's like, I made this inhibitor chip. There's a little light on the back of my neck.
00:52:28
Speaker
Yeah. That will prevent any of that. They won't control me. i control them. These arms are like fucking strapped in and strapped on to his fucking spine.
00:52:40
Speaker
Which is pretty fucking crazy if you think about it. Sign me up. Yeah? Yeah. Just don't put me in front of a mini sun. I don't want to do that. It's probably hot, huh? It'd be mad helpful for me at working in the kitchen, have those fucking arms.
00:52:54
Speaker
Oh, for sure. Yeah, just tell him grabbed that pan. No towels needed. Just grab that pan. You don't even have to tell. All you got to do is think. Exactly. just Yeah. just That's crazy. Yeah. ah Nothing could possibly go wrong.
00:53:07
Speaker
No. So the source of this material that he's using to make the sun is called tritium. And there's only 25 pounds on Earth. ah And they have a successful a successful initial reaction. But as we said, nothing can go wrong, right? fucking does. He does the famous line, the head of my cock in the palm of my hand.
00:53:31
Speaker
You're right. yeah Which is not a lot to look at. But the power of the sun the palm my hand is a big one. Yeah, that. Sorry, I misheard him.
00:53:42
Speaker
Yeah, I mean... Yeah, that's fair. You know? The head of the cock in palm my hand and probably a puddle of splooge. Right. Yeah.
00:53:53
Speaker
What have I done? what Post-nut regret. ah This fucking thing, it's so, I noticed on this watch too, he's like, the arms are like immune to magnetism. They're not magnetic.
00:54:07
Speaker
Right. So if you knew that was a problem, why would you do it in a building with a bunch of metal? Seems very risky. I think you might want to do it in like a fucking field. A field. Yeah. Or like, maybe something that like doesn't conduct electricity, like one of those bouncy houses for all the kids.
00:54:26
Speaker
What? well Yeah. Okay. you know i mean for all election For all the kids. I know what you're saying. like A bouncy house is for kids. But it sounded like you were saying go do it somewhere and then have a bouncy house for the kids.
00:54:41
Speaker
Bring the kids. <unk>s It's like the new fair. got mini sun we got this bouncy house. ya yo Bring your own beer though.
00:54:52
Speaker
so ah This fucking thing starts sucking the building in. And the crowd is asked to clear the room and ah Harry calls for Otto to shut it off. But Otto refuses. Don't worry. It'll soon stabilize.
00:55:08
Speaker
And Harry doesn't. Harry almost gets hit by a cart, this big ass cart. But Spider-Man is able to save him. Where'd he come from? The closet.
00:55:22
Speaker
Um, and Harry's like, i still fucking hate you, but, you know what? It's, it's very stereotypical. Like, yes, I guess stereotypical, but like you never see Peter and Harry and Spider-Man in the same room.
00:55:34
Speaker
No one's getting a fucking hint here. No, not one person. Peter runs away. Spider-Man shows up. It's a thing. Uh,
00:55:47
Speaker
So Spider-Man goes to pull the plug, but Octavius kind of knocks him out of the way. And then this is where we see ah some metal framing of a window gets sucked in, which shatters the window pane.
00:56:02
Speaker
And as you were mentioning, the filming of this is pretty great. Like, it it it literally, like, shows Rosie and, like, the glass kind of, like, points down towards her eye. And you know damn well Sam Raimi really wanted to fucking show that shit going into her eye. I wish he couldn't. He fucking Yeah, bro. Give us the unrated cut.
00:56:25
Speaker
I mean, hey. September 27th, Spider-Man 2.1 coming in theaters. Extended cut, actually.
00:56:35
Speaker
Uh, this fucking sun has a spike and it's like a fucking like ray of fucking, I don't know, fire. sunshine It electrocutes fucking Octavius's inhibitor chip.
00:56:46
Speaker
And, uh, while he's getting, suited he goes all, he goes all fucking the home. Uh, Spiderman unplugs the reactor and the whole thing, is destroyed.
00:56:59
Speaker
We cut to after the fact when people are getting escorted out, the ambulance whatever is there, and Harry's pissed off. He's ruined. Put all money into a fucking hack.
00:57:10
Speaker
And Spider-Man touched him. Yeah, and he's showing the doll where Spider-Man touched you, Harry. a The next scene is something I would like to call nightmare fuel. Talk about childhood trauma.
00:57:26
Speaker
Sam Raimi his fucking best, giving all his eight-year-olds fucking nightmares. He was like, yo, what did I make? im made Evil Dead. I have an idea. Also, this is very Saw-esque and came out the same year.
00:57:42
Speaker
Wait, why is it Saw-esque? They're Saw's.
00:57:50
Speaker
Did you just fucking say that? Yeah. Okay. But I will say there was one scene in this where the little like the little guy the guy um the guy looks at like a chainsaw kind of like your Ash does in Evil Dead 2.
00:58:05
Speaker
Yeah, fuck that movie, right? It's okay. um So we hear from the doctors here that the metal has fused to his spine. So he's stuck with these fucking things.
00:58:18
Speaker
um And they're just going to try to cut the arms off. And this doctor goes to cut an arm, but he thinks one of them moves. and like, no, probably just saw something. Goes to do it again. And the arms fucking terrorize these doctors.
00:58:32
Speaker
Let me tell you, fucking Sam Raimi used fucking tentacle vision. Like he had like the camera, like it was inside the fucking cloth. Yeah. Which is creative. And this scene was a fucking menace. I mean, this was like this. I was terrified of this as a child. I would skip it every time I watched a DVD. I'd fast forward through it.
00:58:53
Speaker
Yeah. um We get literally like you get you get bitches like being pulled. Her nails are scraping like this is literally scene from Evil Dead without the blood.
00:59:07
Speaker
ah Octavius awakens and ah he breaks out of the hospital. these These... I wrote breaks out because like the fucking doors. He like fucking just is like... I don't know. He just fucking yeets him.
00:59:25
Speaker
I got it.
00:59:28
Speaker
Shout out Chris Jericho. out to Chris Jericho and shout Chris Benoit. Yo, I was looking for Crispin Wab merch. It's hard to find. Don't get me wrong. It's out there. I'm sure. why Are people like making it like not licensed merch? So there's some of that, and then there's like people on eBay selling like OG Crispin Wab shirts for $150. Sorry. you see Paul Heyman's thing about Benoit? Yeah.
00:59:56
Speaker
sorry did you see heymans thing about ben wa Paul Heyman is like super anti Benoit. Really? Because of what he did or in general? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He's like,
Final Thoughts on 'Spider-Man 2'
01:00:09
Speaker
yeah, I'll have to send it to you. But Paul Heyman gave like a fucking spiel on Benoit and was not painting Benoit in a positive light. Paul Heyman's also pro Brock Lesnar, who's back and fucking human trafficked women. So is that what he did?
01:00:23
Speaker
Yeah. He basically like Vince, like that bitch that's like suing him. Right. Yeah. ah Vince was basically like hoeing this bitch out to Brock and there's like text and Brock's like want her to fucking piss on me.
01:00:36
Speaker
I did hear that part of it. ah So Octavius finds a new home at an abandoned dock, and we cut to J. Jonah Jameson's office. He's trying to figure out a name for this new villain, and his assistant's like, Doc Ock.
01:00:58
Speaker
And he's like, no, that fucking sucks. Crap. And he's like, Dr. Strange. I guess pretty good. He's like, Hey, that's pretty good, but it's taken. Yeah, it is taken. and then he takes doc o as like his own idea.
01:01:12
Speaker
Uh, Peter walks in and Jonah says he's fired. Uh, But actually, it's his lucky day because there is a ball for his son, the astronaut, John. so you're hiding.
01:01:26
Speaker
He needs Peter to go because the photographer, if you didn't catch this, got hit with a pool ball. yeah What? That's what he said. um And Peter asked for an advance and JJ laughs in his face. We cut to Doc Ock talking to his arms.
01:01:48
Speaker
Not like his human arm. like Hey, guys. Yeah. um He's basically saying they should all be dead. His life is shit because Rosie's dead and the project fails.
01:01:59
Speaker
And he realizes the inhibitor chip is gone. And it is cool how they film this. Like, he would talk, like, as... Octavius and then he would turn and it would cut for a split second but go back to his face from a different angle and it's like now he's Doc Ock the Doc Ock train of thought um and the arms tell him to rebuild the project but Octavius is like no Pete was right and then he the arms train of thought is like it'd be a shame not to finish what we started that's the real crime because i like you need to steal some money to build this shit yeah
01:02:39
Speaker
ah We cut to Aunt May and Peter trying to refinance May's home. ah And it's just not working. And May kicks the shit out of this banker in the shin. This poor guy.
01:02:54
Speaker
Nah, fuck the banks. am I right? I don't know. Oh, yeah. They just had to steal your money. but Yeah. ah And she asked about the free toaster, but they didn't deposit $300. So you don't get a toaster, bitch. I'd be fucking pissed. Like, damn.
01:03:09
Speaker
My house is getting foreclosed. The least you can do is give me a toaster so when I'm homeless, I can walk into like the fucking homeless shelter, plug my toaster, and make some fucking toast. Yeah, or throw it in the bathtub and kill myself.
01:03:22
Speaker
Yeah, that too. I need fucking subway out of this shithole. Yeah. You can have it back. I just need to use it real quick.
01:03:32
Speaker
Yeah. I'll get it back to you ah Um, meanwhile, they're having like this sad moment and just like three feet away, Doc Ock is breaking into the vault.
01:03:43
Speaker
Uh, and he throws the entire door of the vault off at, May and Peter. And, uh, Peter pushes her out of the way. ah Peter changed into Spider-Man maze like, where are you going?
01:03:56
Speaker
um seen Where they're throwing money bags at each other. Uh, and, uh, this fight spills out onto the street because Doc Ock fucking yeets Peter out the fucking window. And there was like a part where Doc Ock threw a big bag of coins at Peter. bag Big bag, backyard. And then Peter slung it back at him and like bounced Doc Ock into the wall and the wall broke. And I'm like, how the fuck? And I'm like, no, wait, that shit's gonna be heavy as shit.
01:04:25
Speaker
Yeah, but also he has that like big metal like brace on his back too. It's like... yeah I don't know. The things you think of as an adult and not a kid, you know?
01:04:35
Speaker
Right. After seeing this movie for like... The 80th time. 8 million times. Yeah. Actually, i just remembered a funny story. i you, shout to Zach, I guess. I don't know. Yes. no I'm going to kind of roast him right now, but it's fine.
01:04:50
Speaker
All right. yeah He came over to my house one time and we, the house that no one of my family lives in anymore. Right. I have no, I have no longer have any ties to PK besides you. Hey, how you doing?
01:05:03
Speaker
And we sat down to watch s Spider-Man 2 as proper Americans. Right. ah And his mom called. Can we say her name? it It's a letter. It's a letter.
01:05:16
Speaker
Shout out to D. Zach, if you're listening, you're probably not. But D called him and she was like, why you at Nick's house?
01:05:26
Speaker
That's offensive. And she fucking, she was like, you're not supposed to be doing that, whatever, whatever, and came and picked him up. We had to pause the movie. He leave. That's fucked. I did go back and finish it.
01:05:37
Speaker
Damn straight. You can't leave. I was like, you you're leaving, but we're at, it was like right at this part. I was like, we're at a fucking good part. You think I'm not going to watch this? the fuck? The fuck? Anyways, so, uh, it spills out in the street. Long story short.
01:05:52
Speaker
Fuck d Long story short. I'm
01:05:57
Speaker
So this fight spills out in the street the cops arrive and ah Octavius takes May as a hostage and goes up this building. I'm pretty sure, and there's I'm not digging on this movie, but every time he grabbed someone and climbed up a building, it was the same fucking building.
01:06:14
Speaker
it looked the when he grabs it When he grabs MJ later, it looks like the same exact fucking building. It might be. Also, I noticed this time when that when he grabs Aunt May, it's kind of like she might have been like strapped you know i'm saying to like a harness. Chill out.
01:06:32
Speaker
Chill out. like i get pegged She's like strapped to a harness or something. So she gets lifted up before the arm even like grabs her.
01:06:42
Speaker
Oh, I noticed like a little John that fucking shot out of the center of the arm. Oh, did it? like wrap Like wrapped around her. Yeah. Okay. It was like this and it shot out of fucking, the only shooting ropes, and then like yo strapped her in and sucked it towards her. Sucked it towards like the arm.
01:06:58
Speaker
That's what I saw. Thank you for pointing that out then because I was like, this is flawed. This is a five-star movie. Don't be flawed in me. Ramey. Ramey. Ramey. mean, maybe.
01:07:11
Speaker
For the clout. Oh, yeah. For the cloud, barely
Director and Casting Insights
01:07:15
Speaker
any. i guarantee, like, the average person doesn't know who Sam Raimi is. Bro, everybody on Letterboxd knows who Sam Raimi is. On Letterboxd? Yeah. There's 17 million members on Letterboxd. 17 million? That's pretty good.
01:07:32
Speaker
Actually, for the entire United States, it's not a lot. If you're not into horror or the Spider-Man trilogy, probably don't know who Sam Raimi is. That's probably a better question. How many people do you think know that Sam Raimi directed this movie?
01:07:44
Speaker
Or any of them? Probably not a lot. That's sad. Even though it's called the Raimi trilogy. It is called that. so And did you see the new Tom Holland suit?
01:07:57
Speaker
I'm indifferent. I just don't care. It looks like this suit. I'm just saying. feel like the blue in the and that suit is a little more blue. It's a little more blue, but it's got the web. But Peter is more... Fuckable?
01:08:12
Speaker
Toby's more fuckable than me. Than Tom? i want to I mean, that's a hot take, but... Low-key? Okay, so okay as actors as actors who were fucking, yeah, I'd fuck Tom first. Correct. But who's my Spider-Man? It's fucking Tobey. It's fucking Tobey, right? All day.
01:08:30
Speaker
And when it comes to MJ, like... I prefer one that's dead cause i don't like a lippy woman.
01:08:39
Speaker
Why are you not laughing at that? don't know. Like... Kirsten Dunst is hot, but like Zendaya iss also hot, but brown. So it's like, Oh, that's funny.
01:08:52
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Zendaya is a piece. um Yeah. But like ah more Gwen Stacy team, Gwen Stacy. Ah, from amazing. spmate That's a, what's her name? Right.
01:09:03
Speaker
Emma stone. Emma stone. She's a piece too. Yeah, she is. That's not an easy. I'll fucking snap her neck. You know what saying? Oh, Don't snap my shaft.
01:09:14
Speaker
Yeah. Just rope and snap your neck.
01:09:21
Speaker
Can you imagine shooting fucking giving someone a facial so hard their neck snaps? Whiplash. Fucking crazy, dog. Shout out JK Simmons. Not even whiplash. like Like, straight up, like, I shoot fucking a load out of my cock and it snaps your neck.
01:09:35
Speaker
Like, you just catch that shit the wrong way and you're just dead. That's like some Hulk hulk definitely. Yo, I mean... Yeah. So Doc Ock is climbing this fucking building and Spider-Man meets him like on the wall of this building and he's like, all right, hand her over.
01:09:54
Speaker
And Ock drops her and Peter, Peter, he like slingshots her back up and she latched on her umbrella onto his ledge.
01:10:05
Speaker
Be like, hey, yo, that's your aunt. Don't be fucking slingshot in your aunt like that, you know? I mean, my cum does not resemble a slingshot even a little bit. You have power like that? You got force behind it?
01:10:18
Speaker
i used to. yeah back in the day. But after years and years of... beating it down use you know like that's fair like dribbles that's fair me too like like uh you know when you like a water fountain you got them nice ass water fountains and then you got those ones that kind of like dribble you gotta put your got put your mouth like right up on that thing you just gotta like french kiss the fountain yeah that's my cock right i want to french kiss your cock please do i'm stick my tongue inside your cock i'm gonna sound your cock my fucking tongue I mean, it might feel good. I don't know. That's what i'm fucking talking about. just fucking trying to find out, you know?
01:10:55
Speaker
ah So she latches on to this fucking ledge, and then like so her hands are slipping, but right underneath her is a platform, so she's fine. I thought it was Christ, but it's not. Christ did not save her.
01:11:09
Speaker
It's some kind of angel-looking motherfucker. Some kind angel, yeah. If it was Christ, I was going to downgrade this movie to a four and a half. I mean, it definitely resembles like God, though. It's not like Sam Raimi definitely doesn't believe in God. He made evil dead.
01:11:24
Speaker
He raped someone with a tree. Fair, I guess. ah So he Doc Ock yeets fucking Spider-Man across street to another building.
01:11:37
Speaker
yeah go he He fucking lands into like a little Asian sweatshop. That's what that is. Oh, you think? Like little laundromat? how wasn't They had fucking, like, the sewing machines. They look like you're straight out of Vietnam.
01:11:51
Speaker
They making the Jordans and shit. Here in America? You would have fucking thought. No. In New York? They just sell them here.
01:12:02
Speaker
Uh... Then Doc Ock grabs May and says he's going to kill her. And Spider-Man slingshots himself back across the street. And Oak's... Oak? It says Oak.
01:12:13
Speaker
He fucking got that wood. That fucking wood. He's going to stab him. But ah Aunt May fucking smacks the shit out of his eye with a fucking umbrella. There was like no bruise after this. you got But it would have fucking bruised your eye for sure. Hell yeah. And then he puts the glasses back on later and there's no crack.
01:12:31
Speaker
Got a new one. um She probably stole him. So because she hits me out the umbrella, it causes him to miss and he drops May, but Spider-Man catches her.
01:12:42
Speaker
ah And when he brings her down to the ground, not like, whoa. Wow. Yeah. He's not like crowning pounding her. That's crazy. that your' awesome well That's arm, bro. That's fucking crazy. Yo, Aunt May is so old. How fucking old were Peter's parents? Yeah.
01:12:59
Speaker
Yeah, well, it's just bad casting. Good casting. No, the acting is good, but the ages don't make sense. Peter's like, what, 20? He's supposed to be in college, but Toby was in his thirty s yeah Back then, yeah. But like was born This movie came out what year?
01:13:22
Speaker
six two thousand and four
01:13:27
Speaker
75. damn. 29. He was 29 filming this movie. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you get a black because they don't crack. Yeah, right. When they make Miles Morales. Yeah.
01:13:39
Speaker
You cast a fucking four-year-old. All right. So either way, when he brings fucking m MJ Aunt May down, there's all these girls that like fucking wet for him. Like fucking, yeah, Peter. ae And Peter's like, we showed him.
01:13:55
Speaker
And Aunt May's like, what do you mean we? And he's like, that's right. and dude I didn't really do anything. i don't know why you... Well, I mean, he did something. Kinda. But sheep she hit him.
01:14:08
Speaker
Oh, is that where she was going with that? I was saying we... like I thought he was saying we really did it to him. Like we like like we beat him. Like you and I. Like we're like, you know, we.
01:14:19
Speaker
Right. And then Aunt May's like, what do you mean we? I did it all. I hit him in the face. ah Fuck that shit. Peter did some work. Peter saved your ass. Peter fucking saved you, girl. you talking about?
01:14:31
Speaker
That's what I don't understand about this movie, by the way.
Uncle Ben's Influence on Peter
01:14:34
Speaker
It's like, do people know he's Spider-Man or do they not? Because Aunt May gives them this long speech later on. Like, we need Spider-Man. Hey, hey, Peter, Peter, we need Spider-Man.
01:14:45
Speaker
And then Mary Jane's like, yeah, I kind of knew.
01:14:50
Speaker
Well, she didn't I don't think she kind of knew until when she decided to start kissing John and stuff and find out the lips felt the same. you know what i mean? yeah That was like the first sign of like, I want to see. Okay, just be like, pretend like you're upside down. kiss you.
01:15:06
Speaker
kind of want fucking tongue fuck you. I want to know how it feels from the, cause the last movie they kiss in the rain. Very iconic scene. Right. Go get him tiger. Yeah. And then i don't know. Uh, I feel like they don't know that he's Spider-Man.
01:15:19
Speaker
Aunt May. I gotta feel like Aunt May knows. Cause uncle Ben knew uncle Ben price stole the for fucking spilled the beans. Yeah. Uncle Ben didn't know because that conversation happened in his fucking dreams. Was that a dream?
01:15:34
Speaker
Is that why it was all white? Are you fucking me right now? Dead ass. Are you being a dick? No. oh it's like the Harry Potter scene with Dumbledore. Oh, man. What are you talking about? Yeah, was Uncle Ben died on the last movie. No, I know. I thought it was like a flashback. I thought it was like a flashback of a scene we didn't see. Can I just explain something to you really quickly? Yeah, go for it. Tell me how I'm retarded.
01:15:56
Speaker
Uncle Ben... Peter yep goes to wrestle some fucking guy. who was it? It was some famous wrestler. was Randy Savage, bro. Macho man. Yeah, was a fucking... Oh, yeah!
01:16:11
Speaker
Fuck your aunt! All right. So he goes to wrestle that kid, and then after that, Uncle Ben gets murdered. Right. No more rice for anybody. No, but they had the argument in the in that same car.
01:16:26
Speaker
in that movie they had an argument in a car but it was not about being spider-man right it was just about it was just about fucking peter being a responsible adult because peter just doesn't know what he wants what i'm saying man he what i'm saying is peter's not even fucking spider-man when uncle ben dies he's the human spider in a wrestling ring yeah
01:16:52
Speaker
So yeah, it did not, that was not a, we're revealing more of conversation. That was Peter was sitting, because Peter's sitting in his bed, just staring off as Toby does. Right. I say Toby, because that is a Toby thing to do.
01:17:05
Speaker
And then the the fucking lightning cracks, and then it just goes to white. They're at King Station. Where are we, Harry? So yeah, that was just a fucking vision. I'm just retarded. Got it.
01:17:20
Speaker
the fucking cock in my hand. All right.
01:17:25
Speaker
So we're at the fucking party for John. John, the astronaut, the astronaut. He's going to space or he went to space. don't fucking know who, what's cooler going to space or being Spider-Man being Spider-Man.
01:17:37
Speaker
Yeah. Right. This guy ain't got fucking shit on Peter. Nah. I mean, ask MJ, uh, and he goes to grab some fucking hors d'oeuvres every time, but he misses.
01:17:48
Speaker
Um, and they tries to take a photo somebody, but they fucking a cap is still on his lens. You fucking idiot. And then, uh, he sees Harry, but not Harry Potter. Sorry. And Harry's just down his luck. He feels real bad about himself and he's drunk as shit.
01:18:04
Speaker
Uh, and Jonah calls him over to take a photo. and he takes a bunch of photos for Jonah. And then, ah John is called to the stage with his girlfriend, who is Mary Jane, who is like, oh, fuck. That's my competition right there. This fucking guy.
01:18:24
Speaker
My boss's daughter, son. My boss's son. And Mary Jane immediately notices Peter in the crowd. And we cut and Peter's talking to MJ saying he's sorry. And this is, as we mentioned before, he's trying to read her poetry.
01:18:43
Speaker
um And then he tries to buy her a drink. She says, no, John can buy me a drink. Okay. And she says that everyone, including her deadbeat dad has made it out to the play except for Peter.
01:18:55
Speaker
um Next, Harry walks over pissed off that Peter's loyal Spider-Man and says that Peter took MJ from him and slapped in the face twice. Some like real intense scene.
01:19:10
Speaker
Right after that, to make a little more tense, John announces that MJ agreed to marry him. Peter's life is literally falling apart in the matter of like 30 minutes.
01:19:21
Speaker
Oh, my cafe was delivered. Fucking sick. Let's fucking go. It's chewy. It is. Chew me up. Spit me out. Uh... We cut to, i don't know what the fuck I wrote here, but we cut.
01:19:34
Speaker
i don't know what this says. But Peter is swinging swinging the left. What? He's swinging. Slinging. Slinging thick to no one right now.
01:19:45
Speaker
And he falls again. and he tries to climb a wall and he falls again. He is not the web crawler anymore. Wall crawler? that what they call him? He also can't fucking read a newspaper anymore. It's like the biggest fucking font possible. Yeah.
01:20:00
Speaker
huh Yeah. It's fucking blind. We cut and see Doc Ock building his reactor. And then it transitions right into Peter r seeing a doctor.
01:20:11
Speaker
And the doctor's like, you're okay physically, brother. Whatever you got going on, it's fucking mental. And Peter's like, well, i have this dream that in my dream, I'm Spider-Man. You know what? As a matter of fact, it's my friend's dream.
01:20:25
Speaker
And the doctor's like, oh, it's your okay it's your friend's dream. Right. Got So if you're asking who knows that he's Spider-Man, the doctor knows. Doctor knows now for sure.
01:20:37
Speaker
ah and essentially the reason why he's having ED is because he's lost his sense of purpose. Like maybe maybe you're not supposed to be Spider-Man climbing these walls.
01:20:49
Speaker
Yeah, but this is the thing. What is he supposed to be then? a fucking smart guy. i don't know. just Just smart do the, like just have like the American dream white picket fence house and just sit in his house and fuck MJ. Is that like what it's supposed to be? Guess so. Goes to work nine to five, come home. How, uh, dinner's on the table. Cause you're fucking badass. Better, better be. rat Yeah. ah Right.
01:21:16
Speaker
If not, you we know what you know know like we know why Harry can do in Spider-Man 3. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking back in the goddamn table, bitch. Okay. That was mean. We're just kidding. rat though
01:21:31
Speaker
Shout out domestic violence. You keep shouting that out. I can't keep that in. ah I just can't keep that in. um So this is where he has the flashback. This is not a flashback. It's like a fucking... He's sitting in his house just like dozing off.
01:21:49
Speaker
And the ghost of and of Uncle Ben's rice shows up in his fucking head.
Peter's Internal Conflict and Resolution
01:21:55
Speaker
Uncle Ben's rice. yo know he's like He's like, yo, I know you fucking eating that Zatarain's. Don't eat Zatarain's. Eat Uncle Ben, bitch. I know you got that fucking bowl in a bag of white rice because you're poor.
01:22:08
Speaker
Yeah, that shit five minutes. That shit ain't got no taste. Yeah, but I'll be honest with you, dude. Even as a kid, that bowl in bag rice, a little fucking salt and butter. I put hot sauce on that shit. I don't like hot sauce. I'm not into that.
01:22:23
Speaker
Not even Frank's? Who's Frank? Fuck that guy. Frank's Red Hot. No, I know. Frank's, yeah. I worked at a place that served chicken wings for a long time. Yeah. We bought the go-to Frank's.
01:22:35
Speaker
What do you mean Frank's is like the go-to. I think Frank's is like the well-known brand, that's you're asking me. Of hot sauce. It's not my go-to because don't like hot sauce. All right. So basically in this montage, Uncle Ben is like, Peter, you have a responsibility. You have to be Spider-Man.
01:22:51
Speaker
And the reason why Uncle Ben knows that he's Spider-Man because it's in Peter's head. It's in his DNA. It's in his fucking head. So, essentially, Peter's like, I'm done being Spider-Man. Sorry, Uncle Ben. I can't live out your wishes.
01:23:04
Speaker
And he throws a suit out. And then there's the yeah that song, Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head, Neil Drop. One of my favorite Neil Drops ever. Shit's heat. Uh... There's the, you know, we we see fucking Peter. He's tripping over fucking sidewalks. He's throwing bike tires at people. He's not throwing at people. He just fucked He's like back to nerdy Peter.
01:23:25
Speaker
Yeah, he buys a hot dog. We just had some money because he bought a hot dog. um He sees a cop chase and doesn't do anything about it. Just fucking eats his wiener. see Peter, your wiener.
01:23:37
Speaker
um He's studying and doing well in school. Even Connor's like, good job, Peter. Um, we cut to MJ at a play and Peter is there and she sees Peter and complete blanks on her line. Cause she's shocked.
01:23:54
Speaker
starts fucking squirting all over fucking coworkers. Like it's crazy. I'm glad. Yeah. She fucking just puts her legs up it just starts fucking squirting. Yeah. Yeah. And then Peter fucking web zips over to her fucking slurps it up. Probably could.
01:24:12
Speaker
Uh,
01:24:14
Speaker
We cut to Peter and MJ walking together after the show, and she says he looks different. And he's like, you want to get some chow mein? And she's like, Peter, I'm married, bro. I'm about to be married.
01:24:25
Speaker
ah But Peter's approach here is pretty fucking shit because he's like, you want to just like pick up where you off and like forget your fiance? She's like, you have a good chance. You want to get spider dick on the side? Yeah.
01:24:40
Speaker
I could literally give it to you from sideways because I have that ability. Right. Like, yeah, you're your fiancé probably gives mean dick, but, like, I'm Spider-Man. That's the thing, though. I'm Spider-Man. Right. Like, I'm fucking cool. ah He's been in space, but I'm fucking Spider-Man. That's what it boils down to, right?
01:25:02
Speaker
Yeah. Um... We cut to ah Jonah's office and a garbage guy walks in and he's found Spider-Man's suit. And Jonah gives him a hundred bucks and he takes it. i would have been like, fuck you, bro. I'm going to the internet. Sell this shit.
01:25:16
Speaker
A hundred dollars? cause For Spider-Man's outfit? Because at first he's like, I'll give 50 bucks. And the dude's like, I can get more for that on eBay. Yeah, but a hundred dollars is not enough money for the Spider-Man suit. No, it's like 10 grand minimum, right? Fair minimum. Fair minimum.
01:25:35
Speaker
And this guy's like, give him a hundred bucks and a bar of soap. I mean, I know, I know we have to deal with inflation, but think about today. If they were to auction off that suit, it'd go for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
01:25:46
Speaker
Yeah. If anybody, if anybody could take a crack at it, it would, they would go for, if it was on Pawn Stars. Oh yeah. Yeah. ah Anyways, so we cut to Peter who's walking by. ah we see the guy getting jumped on the street. We're not in Jonah's office anymore.
01:26:03
Speaker
And he goes with Aunt May to Uncle Ben's grave. And May really blames herself for all this. And I forgot to mention earlier, his death now is two years ago. So we're two years into the future.
01:26:16
Speaker
Which makes sense because Spider-Man came out in 2002. We were four? Oh my god. yeah Yeah, we were fucking four years old. Yeah,
01:26:30
Speaker
just all gum.
01:26:34
Speaker
Take that however you want. I don't even know how you meant it. All gum. Like gum is like, well, gum is like when your dick is soft. Just all gummy. and then gum See, that's that's like, I'm not just putting that out there for free.
01:26:51
Speaker
That's just not going to be on the internet for free. So, uh, they see his grave and May feels real bad about it. And we cut back to May's house and Peter, uh, tells the whole story that, you know, he dropped me off the library, but I wasn't at the library. i was wrestling Macho Man Randy Savage.
01:27:09
Speaker
Bone saw is ready. But honestly, dude, like if I was Aunt May in like the WWF probably at that time or E whatever existed and they were like, look, I was wrestling Macho Man. i'd be like, bro, that's fucking sick.
01:27:25
Speaker
Right? Yeah. Like, you wrestling Macho Man? You know what i mean? Like, that's pretty fucking sick you were wrestling Macho Man Randy Savage. Yeah.
01:27:36
Speaker
Um, but he doesn't pitch it that way. No, he doesn't. He's like, I was trying to make some money to get a call to impress a girl. Like, what the fuck? Be like, I was wrestling Macho Man. Right. For all you know, you could have been fucking whoring yourself out.
01:27:49
Speaker
You know the fucking legend? Yeah. Um, Obviously, Amé's very distraught by this and walks away. We cut to Doc Ock, who is still setting up his reactor, but he's putting the finishing touches on it, and he says there's one more little chore to take care which isn't so little.
01:28:08
Speaker
And we cut to Harry, not Harry Potter, who is he's drinking hard, and he's trying to figure out who the fuck Spider-Man is. um And he hears some thuds, and goes out to his balcony and hears...
01:28:21
Speaker
Some more thuds. And this is a fucking great jump scare, even today. it really was. You know it's coming, but it's great. And he looks over the the edge and gets hit with a fucking arm. Tentacle. An actuator.
01:28:33
Speaker
um And Doc Ock needs more tritium. And Harry's like, fuck off. So Ock's like, yeah, I'll just fucking dangly you from the balcony like Michael Jackson. what What? Oh, like his son. Yeah. Remember he was dangling kids off a balcony? Yeah, he was buried by his fucking ankle.
01:28:49
Speaker
That was son's blanket. What a stupid ass name. How are those kids? Probably rich as fuck. What does Blanket Jackson look like today? Blanket Jackson.
01:29:01
Speaker
Oh, wow. He looks like a derk-a-derk-a-derk. I mean, he is half black, right? Bro, he looks Indian as fuck. That is not... Look up Blanket Jackson. Okay. Dude, this is wild. Look at this kid. He is, you cannot tell me he's a mix of black and white. That is an Indian kid. Well, it doesn't matter if you're black or white.
01:29:22
Speaker
Shout out Michael Jackson. God damn. That's a fucking Indian kid. Am I right? This is the worst haircut i've ever seen in my life. oh He's taking calls. He's taking calls somewhere in a building in Pakistan.
01:29:35
Speaker
rat will Hello, thank you for calling. tea you were Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you? on, we're getting bombed.
01:29:46
Speaker
rapo ah Who's the mother? Exactly, who is the mother? That's my question.
01:29:56
Speaker
Some fat-titted fucking milky-tipped bitch making curry right now. Wasn't Michael Jackson married to fucking Elvis' daughter? I don't know.
01:30:09
Speaker
Oh, it's literally a whole article. Who is Blanket Jackson's mother? Wow. No one knows. who is the and Google literally says the answer is unknown. Wow.
01:30:21
Speaker
Whoa, he fucked an Indian chick. No doubt. or Michael Jackson's just him and he produces reproduces asexually. So youre what you're telling me is Blanket Jackson is the Messiah.
01:30:32
Speaker
Let's go. um That's what happens if you get dangled of a building by your father. yeah My father dangled me out of a window. I'll be honest.
01:30:45
Speaker
I don't like that. He definitely touched me. He definitely touched me and now I look like up from the Middle of the East. Now I look like I get randomly checked by TSA. yeah
01:31:00
Speaker
I'm going to recreate Al-Qaeda. I'm currently recruiting for ISIS. Okay. bra well
01:31:09
Speaker
all Alright, so... He grabs, he's fucking dangling Harry out the window. hee. And Harry's like, I'll give you Tridium, you bring me Spider-Man alive.
01:31:22
Speaker
How the fuck am I going to find Spider-Man? He's MIA if you weren't reading the fucking newspapers, Harry. Yeah. And ah he's like, just ask Peter. But he's like, don't hurt Peter, which is a nice thought.
01:31:35
Speaker
Right? We cut to Peter who was looking at a newspaper that says crime has spiked and there's a building on fire. I'll be honest. I completely forgot this whole scene. Really? i was like, oh, the next scene is going to be when he's sitting in the fucking cafe and the car gets thrown him. I forgot the whole building fire scene.
01:31:54
Speaker
No, I remember this because i used so I used to try and bust through my own door like Peter did. You try to break the walls down? I did.
01:32:06
Speaker
That song's a fucking bop, dude. It really is, bro. It's fucking here ah fuck heater. heater. I made the clip. I listened to the whole song. Break down the walls of Jericho. Yeah. um So there's a... it's It's so... This is so fucking wild to me that it's like I'm reading a newspaper and then i look up, oh, a building's on fire.
01:32:28
Speaker
What? I had that make sense. Yeah. So a firefighter who I believe is not mean tells him that there's a kid trapped on the second floor. um So Peter runs in and he does break down some walls, some doors to rescue this kid who is a howl.
01:32:46
Speaker
um And he grabs this kid. and It's very noticeable that when when he picks up this kid and starts to leave, it's not a kid. It's an adult. It's a piece of plastic. It's not a kid.
01:32:58
Speaker
It's very reminiscent of when Mr. are Incredible and Frozone, they're like, we can't be superheroes anymore, so we're going to go undercover and go in that burning building. Yeah, and then Mrs. Incredible out fucking piece finds the lint on his fucking, yeah or whatever the fuck it is, on his jacket. You've been superheroing again, haven't you?
01:33:16
Speaker
Which, by the way, shout out to that Nam Mean. We are going record episode on The Incredibles. It's either already out or has been recorded, because who knows when this is coming out. Right, this could come out in 2027. Who, this is a bank.
01:33:29
Speaker
Okay. So I'm about to fucking spank it and bank it Essentially, Peter saves this kid and he barely makes this this floor collapse. This one underneath me barely makes this jump.
01:33:41
Speaker
um And the firefighters commend him for saving the kid. But say tell him that one poor soul got trapped in the fourth floor. Well, you guys didn't give him all the proper information. Yeah. All I heard was second floor. I could have been going from fourth to second.
01:33:55
Speaker
Yeah. You start from the top. Right. Like we cut to. I'm just trying to make it to second base. Fuck first. With Dickovich's daughter. Yeah. Give me that bush, baby.
01:34:07
Speaker
We cut to Peter who's sitting apartment all sad when Dickovich's daughter Ursula. Right. It was Ursula. Yeah. Just fucking barges in. Ebola. Yeah. ah And she just wants to see if Peter wants some chocolate cake.
01:34:21
Speaker
and we are why is Why is he a der-der-der and his daughter's white? Another Michael Jackson situation, but reversed. I don't think he's a der-der-der. I think they're like Ukrainian looking motherfuckers. Are they?
01:34:34
Speaker
that's what that was I got like eastern like white Eastern Europeans. That's what I got. Shout out to Ginger. Ukraine. Shout out to Ginger. I would agree with that. Does this movie give you nostalgia? Sorry. maybe come I'll go kill myself now. Do you want cake and milk from my goat milk?
01:34:56
Speaker
Do you want some of my goat bread spread on your fucking... I'm done. Okay. so there's ah they eat cake and then she's like, oh, there's a message for you from your aunt.
01:35:08
Speaker
So we cut to May's house and she's packing up her shit because she's getting fucking evicted. And ah she decided to move and didn't tell Peter. um and He's not happy.
01:35:19
Speaker
Peter's like, look, about what I said. And she's like, no, no, no. It's fine. I'm proud of you for telling me the truth. That is not okay. that's more That should have been like, bro, you withheld the truth to me for two fucking years. You could have saved my husband's death.
01:35:34
Speaker
But also, you could just told because I've been blaming myself for the past two years about it. Yeah, like I've been feeling bad. I've been feeling bad. been eating myself off a bridge at any second. I've been waiting to fucking die. I'm so goddamn old.
01:35:47
Speaker
um So there's this kid helping me, Henry Jackson. and Not related to Michael, but Michael probably fucking molested this kid. I don't know if the years, i guess the years do add up.
01:36:01
Speaker
Yeah, 2004 is like prime molestation Michael, right? that is Yeah, it Yeah, bro. Who's got more bodies, Michael Myers or Michael Jackson?
01:36:14
Speaker
um I'm going to say probably Pry Jackson. Yeah, he's got unknown body. You fucked Macaulay Culkin. Michael Jackson fucked Macaulay Culkin?
01:36:25
Speaker
all like Allegedly. Oh, wow. i didn't know that. That's wild. That's probably why he went off the deep end a little bit. So Henry Jackson, we don't it's probably post-diddling, is helping May move these boxes. And he's asking Peter where s Spiderman's at. and i need a savior.
01:36:45
Speaker
Spider-Man, Peter's like, he quit. And Peter, Jackson's like, Henry's like, bro, I'm gonna get my ass fucked. I need Spider-Man. need Spider-Man. I want different kind of ropes.
01:37:00
Speaker
You don't want rope. You want the ropes to stop. I'm trying to get my ass. Stop being eight. Uh, So, May says that Henry, when he grows up, he wants to be Spider-Man. That's...
01:37:17
Speaker
He wants to be Spider-Man. Yeah, but we just said it's cool as fuck to be Spider-Man. You wouldn't want to be Spider-Man? No one can be Spider-Man. But why in that universe? that's like That's pretty fucking sick, though. Yeah.
01:37:33
Speaker
I guess. um Spider-Man is a hero that kids look up to. And essentially, gives his whole speech that I didn't write down about we have to give up the things we want and make a sacrifice. And Spider-Man is a hero, blah, blah, blah.
01:37:48
Speaker
ah Basically inspires Peter to put on the mantle again. So he goes back to the top of this building, la the first movie. And he tries to jump and there's a slow-mo of him chanting that he's back, ah but immediately falls to the ground. And what i do respect about these movies is the falls are brutal. It's like, yeah, like he's fucking getting destroyed. Dead. Cause it's like, I'm back. And then he fucking hits two cars. Then he's like, my back.
01:38:20
Speaker
He also caught clothesline from hell. Shout out JBL. it swung him into a fucking brick wall. Yeah, dude. He's fucked up.
01:38:31
Speaker
ah We cut to MJ who's writing invites for her wedding. And John's like, do you want to invite Peter? and she's like, no, he's an asshole. And she's like, well, let me kiss you upside down for a minute. I want to see what happens. Yeah.
01:38:47
Speaker
And then I guess it's like the moment where she's like, this is not the same dude that I kissed in the rain with my tits out. Like you literally, you think she thought that this fucking guy was Spider-Man?
01:39:00
Speaker
But she does want to kiss Peter to make sure he's not Spider-Man. ah So the next scene, Peter meets at a cafe. And ah she starts to tell Peter she's been thinking and Peter's like, who whoa, wait, I've been thinking that I don't want to do this. Yeah, I don't love you anymore.
01:39:20
Speaker
She's like, huh? And she's like, kiss me. And she puts her hand on his hand. He's like, huh? And they they made they made sure to show her engagement ring. They did make sure this is a fucking engaged woman sucking down Tobey Maguire. She's trying to fucking cheat on her astronaut with Spider-Man. But then Spider-Man's like, whoa, my dick is tingling. There's a fucking car coming through this window at about five seconds.
01:39:48
Speaker
So there is no kiss. So it's not cheating. and ah he saves MJ from his flying fucking car. out to Tyler. Yeah. ah Doc Ock enters and asks for Peter to tell him where Spider-Man is and to meet up with him at this tower. And he takes him.
Iconic Battles and Showdowns
01:40:10
Speaker
He's like, he's not coming. He quit. I don't know where he is. Stop. How am going to tell you? He's not my boyfriend. don't fucking know. I'm not fucking Spider-Man on the side. Well, technically, I'm fucking beating my cock, so I am fucking Spider-Man. But you don't need to know that.
01:40:34
Speaker
I know how he likes it And it's fucking face down, ass up. Webs out.
01:40:45
Speaker
So Doc Ock's like, I'm taking MJ. And you tell MJ, you tell fucking Spider-Man to fucking meet me or I'll peel her fucking skin off and wear it as a costume.
01:40:57
Speaker
That is kind of fucking crazy to say. I'd fuck me. And then in the background, as he says that, the little fucking arm goes, jee-jee. I did see that. Sam's the guy.
01:41:07
Speaker
He is that dude. ah So he fucking yeets Peter into a pile of fucking like, almost said ash. It's wood or whatever. Like fucking like the the walls. The walls are broken down. dp this calm down this car breaks down the fucking... Will this computer fucking work? This car breaks the fucking walls down.
01:41:31
Speaker
bet I hit a fucking code breaker on him any second. And Peter fucking straight busts at us with fucking Hulk Hogan's. And ah he tries to throw throw a punch. He's like, no, no, no.
01:41:43
Speaker
No, no, no. I don't like black people. so
01:41:51
Speaker
Nah, he doesn't.
01:41:56
Speaker
We cut to MJ's office. MJ. j I wrote JJ and I said MJ. It's J Jonah Jameson. They do call him JJ a lot. Not in the movies, but like in the comics. And they don't know where MJ is because that's his son's fiance.
01:42:11
Speaker
And ah Jonah expresses some feelings of guilt for driving Spider-Man away. But Spider-Man swings by and takes the fucking suit at the wall. And immediately JJ's like, he's a fucking menace. Arrest him.
01:42:24
Speaker
Fuck this guy. I want his cock hanging on my mantle. Exactly. The power of his cock in the palm of my mantle. i don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
01:42:37
Speaker
We're trying. The next scene is pretty sick. It's Spider-Man slinging the webs down the street.
01:42:45
Speaker
He's just walking by. guys are walking You get my jizz. You get my jizz. You get my jizz. Um, but what was, he's like web slinging, you know? And then like, it it like zooms out and then into like Doc Ock's glasses that are now fixed.
01:43:04
Speaker
I like, I like that. I like when my glasses fucking Oculus Reparo themselves. Exactly. Harry, ah So they have a fight on the clock tower, not where Harry's jerking it. Although there probably is some webbing around, you know what I mean.
01:43:19
Speaker
Absolutely. Peter's a little horny boy. Don't get it wrong. Don't get it twisted. Most of the females are the horny ones, though. I would say he's, I mean, he's coming himself. That's the problem. He's coming himself? oh Like, he's getting came on all the time. Dude probably goes through like eight pairs of boxers a day.
01:43:36
Speaker
And then like, I didn't write down a whole ass scene by scene for the subway fight. All you need to know is that if you're so much of a fucking idiot that you haven't seen this movie, at least YouTube, the subway fight scene in sane, bare minimum. This is an all time fight scene of any movie ever. all right. Here's a question.
01:43:56
Speaker
Cinema. here's Here's a question. Cinema. Which is a better fight scene. Cinema. Or Obi-Wan Anakin? This. All day.
01:44:08
Speaker
Yeah? Oh, yeah, for sure. 100%. It's hard.
01:44:14
Speaker
I'll tell you what's hard. Yeah. No, for me, it's hard, man. i don't even think about it. No? Mm-mm.
01:44:23
Speaker
All day. and i feel like this is more iconic, for sure. i respect I respect the... You think this is more iconic? I would say iconography is Obi-Anakin.
01:44:38
Speaker
Is iconography a real word? Yeah, look it up. Damn. You went to college. did Not a real one, but I went to college. Well... ah They taught me how to peel a potato. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
01:44:54
Speaker
yeah I would say, I would say, i just feel like the Star Wars fan base is like so fucking big. Yeah. like Like that scene is so wild.
01:45:05
Speaker
So you think it's, there's more Star Wars fans than Marvel fans? We have to ref- That's a hard question to answer. I think there's more Star Wars fans than MCU fans.
01:45:20
Speaker
This is an MCU. Right. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it is Now it is. don't fall over, cuz. not Now this is MCU you because of fucking... it went You lean but aile back. lean back.
01:45:32
Speaker
I lean back. You lean back and the screen froze. like, oh, fuck. He fell. no No, I'm good. I don't know. I don't know what's more popular.
01:45:43
Speaker
But the crazy shit, you want you another thing that's crazy? Fucking feed it to me. star war Star Wars comic books have the Marvel tag on them. Oh, Jesus. You know what's even crazier? It's all fucking Disney.
01:45:57
Speaker
God damn. so I guess it boils down to everybody's a Disney fan. Everybody is a Disney fan. Even if you are Jew.
01:46:10
Speaker
He didn't like them. But chances are, if you're Jewish, you probably like something Disney made. You probably had at least beat it to fucking porn that Disney owns. They own Pornhub.
01:46:22
Speaker
Oh my god. This is a fucking Monopoly. Someone call the fucking Feds. Someone call them Monopoly, man. Get over here. Try to fucking come in his stash, you know mean? Yeah, and then I want to discolor over time so it's black, white, and then like pale yellow. my god.
01:46:54
Speaker
Did someone out there who's a graphic designer make that? Yeah. you have The Monopoly man who's like typically black and white and they just have a little fucking stain. Yeah.
01:47:06
Speaker
Yeah. I think they've made the Monopoly Man in color now, but I'm pretty sure like he used to be black and white, right? So now he's a colored guy? Yeah. Yeah.
01:47:20
Speaker
yeah Yeah. Fuck yeah. ah But the minotwe Monopoly Yeah, he's black and white, but soon he's going to have a little stain of fucking fucking colorup mark dark yellow. ah Yeah, but if it's dark dark yellow, that shit's been marinated. He hasn't cleaned his beard in like months. That's what I'm saying. he He's saving it for later. It's a flavor saver right there.
01:47:50
Speaker
He like licks it every once in a while because he's like dehydrated. Got to get that salt back, you know? Yeah. um So the the subway fight scene all-timer. ah it It encompasses them fighting on a subway, dodging a bridge.
01:48:08
Speaker
Peter getting yeeted off the fucking train, then like getting back on it. And while he's trying to get back on it, fucking Doc Ock's yeeting people out of him. He fucking catches him in the web. In the web? In the web.
01:48:21
Speaker
you know we ye Uh, so either way, Ock ends up turning the accelerator on the fucking train all the way up, all way up. And, uh, I didn't see it like fucking smokes up or something. and Some fucking sparks get on Peter's mask. So has like take his mask off.
01:48:38
Speaker
Right. And, uh, he, this train's not going to stop. So he starts first. He tries using his feet, which does not fucking work. And then that's calm down. You're not Superman.
01:48:49
Speaker
He starts webbing the fucking walls. Just fucking spray painting these walls with his fucking web. You know what made me laugh, though? Like, when he does the leg thing and it doesn't work, the fucking conductors, like, you got any more bright ideas? Yeah, what the fuck are you doing, buddy? What fuck are you doing? I'm fucking Spider-Man, dude. Like, give me a fucking break. Yeah.
01:49:08
Speaker
You were in now. Who fucking cares? Yeah, right? Like, you want to fucking live or not? Shut the fuck it up. It's fuck your wife. Comes Spider-Man.
01:49:20
Speaker
So he's able to slow a train down, but it takes like all the energy out of him. And he's about to fall off the fucking train. The civilians catch him. me They pass him like to the center of the train. And he wakes up with no mask on and the kids give him his mask back.
01:49:33
Speaker
And he's like, I said to kids like we guys like you guys knew who the kids were. These kids on the train. Yeah, not just some random fucking, not Michael Jackson's kids. The kids in the bouncy house. Right, yeah. Yeah.
01:49:46
Speaker
That's what fucking stayed. Next to the reactor. Right. How funny would it be if they had like doom and gloom fucking reactor in that fucking dock and then just like off to the right, which is like a fucking powerful bouncy house and kids are bouncing in it? Yeah.
01:50:00
Speaker
Yo, they get fucking real mad if you try and do flips in there. why I mean, take it from me. Fucking smash my face. You're on a trampoline, though. Yeah, I mean, same fucking concept. I was also a fat kid doing fucking flips. I could have popped that shit.
01:50:14
Speaker
popped my fucking pussy, too, if you want. I'm fucking waiting, dude. i mean, it's so deep. At this point, who knows? Right. i mean this is this is our I mean, this is easily our recording.
01:50:28
Speaker
minimum Yeah, at least. So yeah, who knows? Um, so Doc Ock returns and grabs fucking Spider-Man. He's like, no, could defend myself, but he just fucking knocks his lights out. And, uh, he brings him to Harry type and barbed wire.
01:50:46
Speaker
Um, Harry gives him the tritium. And then Harry grabs a dagger after Doc Ock leaves and takes off Spider-Man's mask to reveal it's Peter.
Emotional Climax and Resolution
01:50:58
Speaker
He's like, Pete, no, it can't be you. um Peter wakes up and then just breaks out the barbed wire. And he's like, look, I don't got time for this shit right now. Where is MJ?
01:51:11
Speaker
He's like, you killed my father. He's like, no, he killed himself. Rewind the tape with a glider. eight It's like Snitsky. It's not my fault.
01:51:22
Speaker
What's that reference? I know who Snitsky is, but what's the reference? Remember when he kicked Lita's baby into the crowd? Like actually? Yeah, that his gimmick was, it wasn't my fault.
01:51:33
Speaker
I had to kick the baby. Oh, I don't remember that. But shout out to Snitsky. Shout out fucking Gene. Shout out fucking Gene. Gene Snitsky, yo. Hey, shout out Gene Snitsky if you're listening. You're not.
01:51:46
Speaker
um So ah we are led to believe that homie tells Peter where ah Harry is, where Doc Ock is, not Harry.
01:51:58
Speaker
And ah we see Ock is like putting the fucking reactor together and MJ's like, hey! Hey! I'm talking to you!
01:52:11
Speaker
Your fucking nipples are poking out. Did you peep? Yeah, I was just saying. Yeah, i was going to say. She's fucking wet. I hit that fucking button. it I didn't mean to hit that. I'll get rid of that and get it.
01:52:24
Speaker
We're fucking it. We're fucking the shit out of her. Especially right here, right now. yeah shadow of her ghost Especially while she's fucking chained up and wet. She's fucking... Fucking stoked. I'm fucking milking her. My god. I want some, give me some of that fucking velvety liquid.
01:52:42
Speaker
Velvety? don't know. That's a weird consistency. I was thinking of Velveeta Gold. It's like liquid gold. They say it's like liquid gold. Now it's little velvety. I don't know. Like the fucking cheese in a box? Bro, want you to fucking drip it into my mouth.
01:52:57
Speaker
I don't know. Dude, that was wild when just said I'm sorry. that was a crazy What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. i don't know anymore. and don't know. I'm sorry.
01:53:08
Speaker
just want to tell you that I'm sorry. so hi Hey, i I'm not mad. well I'm just concerned. All I'm telling you is that i just I just want some of her fucking juices in my mouth. That's what I'm telling I get it, but if her juices are fucking coming out of a box like Velveeta, got a problem.
01:53:27
Speaker
No, it didn't come out of a box It's just that, you know, it's just like the the nice... Coming out of her box. I get it. Yeah, out of her box. Yeah. wants some of that fucking clam chowder, you know what i mean? Right, like, yo, like, she's going to fucking... She's going to fucking ShopRite buying clam juice, shoving it up there, and fucking leaking it out all over your face. We need...
01:53:57
Speaker
What are you talking about? It better not be that fucking... Why is she sucking it up through a twat? Why don't you say drink it? That's coming out of her piss hole, not her twat hole. You know what mean? oh Yeah, you're right, the fuck hole.
01:54:14
Speaker
Right, it's gotta to come out of the fuck hole. The hole where you fuck it. I don't even know where the squirt comes out. Is she squirting clam juice? Because that's a whole other problem. We in New York, alright? want some of this clam chowder, goddammit. Someone call Dr. Dre, because I need a doctor. Alright?
01:54:30
Speaker
Yeah, to bring my clam back
01:54:43
Speaker
That's really fucking insane.
01:54:55
Speaker
I need a doctor to bring my clam back to life. Right. That's what Elizabeth was saying in the fucking beach that day on Pirates 2. Bring shit back to life. My clam's fucking dying on me.
01:55:10
Speaker
Fuck it. I need to fucking pop a Benadryl in my pussy. I need to fucking mouth to twat immediately. all right, but honestly, who... So... Keira Knightley or fucking Kirsten Dunst? feel like it's not even a question, right? It's Keira Knightley. All day. All day. She's... My God. She's got fucking on her.
01:55:31
Speaker
don't know what thing she got, but she's fucking... She better not be a fucking penis. I'm fucking shook.
01:55:39
Speaker
I ain't no fucking trans pirates. What do you
01:55:48
Speaker
are you... Okay, so... Ox like, yo, Spider-Man's dead, girl. But then Spider-Man shows and starts whispering in her ear. He's like, psst. Hey.
01:56:01
Speaker
Hey. I'm trying to win. I'm trying.
01:56:05
Speaker
Hey, look at me. I'm Spider-Man. I'm Spider-Man. I got my ED fixed. I'm good. ah And while we're talking, a yta fucking i don't know what the fuck this is. A metal shard I wrote? It's huge. Some some big fucking pillar.
01:56:23
Speaker
um So, Spider-Man and Ock get in a fight, and the reactions start going crazy. Everything start getting sucked in, including Mary Jane. She's got some chains on her legs. she's She's chained up like a fuck, like she's in the fucking roots, you know i mean? Like...
01:56:41
Speaker
She's coming over on the ship!
01:56:49
Speaker
I don't get how you laughed at that. And I was like, lippy woman. You were just like, no, that's not okay. Lippy woman. Lippy woman. Before I was like, you're a lippy woman.
01:57:00
Speaker
You werere like, yeah, no, I get it. When you miss, you miss. I guess I missed. That's all right. Uh, so he saves her. Oxart's beating the shit out of fucking Spider-Man and MJ goes to fucking whack him with her fucking trans pole.
01:57:18
Speaker
ah ah Can you imagine that reveal? They're at the wedding and she comes out and she's like, guys, I'm a guy. My real name is Mark Johnson, not Mary Jane.
01:57:30
Speaker
got a sweet fucking piece on me. Yeah. ah Call me Mary Jane Coxon. know I mean? Yeah, exactly.
01:57:41
Speaker
Uh, so Doc Ock grabs fucking Peter and he's about to stab him. But, uh, Peter blocks it with some electrical cords that are running to the reactor and electrocutes Doc Ock.
01:57:53
Speaker
Um, the next scene, he like wakes up and Peter's like, wake up. Hey bro. Yeah. For me. I'm Peter Parker. I'm brilliant, but lazy.
01:58:06
Speaker
And Ock remembers him, but the problem is that his arms still kind of have a little bit of control of him. So he grabs Peter and Ock's like, no, no, you listen to me now.
01:58:18
Speaker
No, no, not today. He fucking grabs him and he grabs his goat. I don't know. Fucking start stroking his goat. Fucking grabbing my goat. You want fucking stroke my goat?
01:58:28
Speaker
I think we've already made that joke. And Doc Ock says the only way to stop the reactor is to drown it. in the river and And so he's like, I'll do it. And this was funny. Pierre, he goes to drown the drowning thing in the river and Pierre turns around and Emre's just like, ah um she said she's like fucking gushing over him. Yeah, she is. Hard. That's my fucking man right there. Yeah, he's going to weapon me tonight.
01:58:57
Speaker
ah And this wall is about to fucking fall on her. Bro. Peter does fucking face.
01:59:13
Speaker
Yeah. and He fucking jumps in front of it. He's holding it. He stared her dead in the eyes. and He's like, hey. He's like, hi.
01:59:25
Speaker
It's me. um And he's able to save her. ah And we see Akko down. Oh, he does tell her he loves her. And he's like, even though you say you didn't, you do? And he's like, yeah. I love you, girl.
01:59:38
Speaker
He's like, by the way, this is pretty heavy. But I love you. Get it? It's like metaphorically heavy. Wow. I don't think that was intentional, but just thought of it. That's fucking deep, though.
01:59:50
Speaker
Yeah. i We see Doc Ock sink the the fucking little mini son. He fucking committed suicide. and won't it But he could have lived. He could have came back up.
02:00:03
Speaker
You think so? Because it was behind him at that point. Yeah, but he drowned. How? No breath.
02:00:15
Speaker
Hey, yo, cuz I got no breath. I'm in the water. i mean Why would I? No, I wouldn't be in the water. I'm in the water. If I got no breath, I be in the water.
02:00:26
Speaker
How can I breathe with no air? I don't swim.
02:00:34
Speaker
Yeah. So, anyways, ah Peter and MJ hang out in a little web hammock. Yeah. And he tells MJ they can't be together because he's Spider-Man.
02:00:45
Speaker
She's like, yeah well, I kind of already fucking knew. Well, I'm kind of already fucking wet for you, so what are we going to do about that? ah Then the police show up. She reunites with John, but she fucking wants Peter.
02:00:58
Speaker
ah we cut to Harry, who's... What?
02:01:06
Speaker
Fucking stroking it to his dead dad oh I wrote, cut to Harry looking at his dagger. The power of my cock and the palm of my hand.
02:01:20
Speaker
I get it, yeah. He's just sitting there looking at it. And then he just hears, he's fucking stroking it then he just hears, hehehehehe.
02:01:30
Speaker
his dad's like, damn, you got a small penis, son. You're weak!
02:01:38
Speaker
You're fucking weak! um And he hears Norman's little fucking maniacal laugh and he sees Norman in the mirror and he's like, you gotta kill Spider-Man and finish your work, you weak son of a bitch. You should have said that. And then you get the the famous, Avenge me!
02:01:57
Speaker
And he... No! throws a dagger through his mirror and he like exposes his whole room. little Little room drawn. Wow, this is where the rape dungeon is. This is where the the bombs are and the gliders. This is where 9-11 took place. This is the the brains. The operation. It was inside job. He breaks breaks through the glass and he finds Epstein's list.
02:02:20
Speaker
Oh, here it is. Here it is. I knew it. knew it
Conclusion and Praise
02:02:24
Speaker
was here. oh We cut to ah Mary Jane's wedding where she runs off and to be with fucking Peter.
02:02:32
Speaker
And Jonah's like, he tells his wife to call the caterer and tell her not to open the caviar. Because he's all about that money. Happening. He's a Jew. J. Jonah Jewison.
02:02:46
Speaker
I was thinking Jew Jonah Jameson. That's better. ah MJ enters Peter's piece of shit apartment and she's like fucking Peter rinse me love Mary Jade Watson they finally have a fucking proper kiss smooch sesh but then right before he's about to fucking pound the shit out of this redhead he hears the cops and then he has to go sling his web not into her go get him tagger
02:03:18
Speaker
go get him tagger And that's the end of the movie. And if you don't already know. we do long podcasts for good movies. Yeah, we do.
02:03:30
Speaker
That's what, man, we just got to review only bangers. That's just what it comes down to, right? I mean, we can't just do bangers because eventually we're not going to like a movie.
02:03:42
Speaker
We're going run out bangers to do. You think so? think so. yeah I bet I can look at my wall right now and find a banger we can make fun. If we do Willy Wonka, bro, we're just going to talking about kids and that's not okay. But Willy Wonka is wanker. like I Willy Willy Wonka? I Willy Willy wanked it to your daughter last night.
02:04:04
Speaker
was like, Daddy, i want that chocolate man to cuck over in the corner. I want a squirrel. um Well, that's a little sneak peek into our Willie Wong Silver Court League. So if you want to do that, just write We'll probably do it next year.
02:04:20
Speaker
ah But this is a five star across the board. Five star. The best comic book movie of all time. I said what I said. There's nothing better. i don't care.
02:04:32
Speaker
ah I'm invigorated every time I watch this fucking movie. Yeah. Alright, we'll do a little, uh... Yeah, I'm fucking stroking it.
02:04:44
Speaker
Every time.
02:04:49
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com. Follow us on letterboxd. TikTok follows individually on letterboxd. All that will be in the description below. And then if you're feeling so inclined, send us a voicemail five away. eight send it fist us 508, 8 dip tip, 6 minute limit.
02:05:13
Speaker
That gets your request shot straight to the motherfucking top. For 2026. Yeah, we're fucking booked out. whenever the fuck this comes out. I don't actually know. Yeah, we're fucking booked. Either way, we're probably fucking booked.
02:05:29
Speaker
Um... Leave us a comment. Leave us a rating. Let us know if you fucking like it. Let us know if we should be fucking canceled. But joke's on you. We're like Brock Lesnar. We can... We're not cancelable.
02:05:45
Speaker
No, we don't have an audience to cancel us. Damn straight. I don't know what's coming out next week, but we hope you enjoy this Vault episode.
02:06:00
Speaker
Totals. Fuck you, Mark. In the future.