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EP. 90 Mean One (2022)
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Transcript
Introduction and Banter
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:16
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, cause I'm dad. You want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk?
00:00:40
Speaker
We're just joking. yeah, everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Review of 'The Mean One'
00:00:52
Speaker
Hello, welcome to episode 90, aka Noventa, of the Two Guys, One Screen podcast.
00:00:59
Speaker
Hemorrhoid homies, Poetown boys, diarrhea daddies, and garbage. And the lot. Garbage movie goers, apparently, because we just watched fucking trash. Wow. I mean, who can say, besides us, who can say that two in a row, the last movie we both watched was Human Centipede 2, because for some reason you guys voted for that for the horror bracket.
00:01:17
Speaker
Right. went right into the mean one. Guys. i mean, what are we doing? This is horrible. i mean, that's a scheduling conflict for us more than anything, but like. Yeah. and you're And you're probably thinking, yeah, you're reviewing this in November.
00:01:32
Speaker
Or December. No, it's October 9th. It's October 9th. You know what mean? We're getting ahead of schedule, you know what mean? But, lousers. I just made a mess of my trousers after watching this piece of shit.
00:01:47
Speaker
That's fucking wild. Shout out Eminem. Shout out to Eminem. Yeah, we're reviewing today the mean one, which I don't think one of us should take the blame for this. I think we both decided to do this together.
00:02:00
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, you know, you watched it ah back in the day. I pirated it back in the day. That's fine. um Yeah. And then you proceeded to buy the steelbook. looks nice. All right. Steelbook looks it's nice. I'm just thinking, like, I own this. like I bought this the whole time watched it. Like, I own this fucking movie.
Streaming Service Ads Discussion
00:02:20
Speaker
Yeah, ah so I streamed it on Amazon, but it was one of those movies where it was like Prime. It's like Teemu?
00:02:26
Speaker
Yeah, was like, it's included with Prime, but there's ads, but... Look, all those streaming companies out there do what Amazon does, right? I got two minutes of ads before the movie started and then nothing throughout the entire movie. That's that's what's up.
00:02:42
Speaker
i I fuck with that heavy, but I will say oh I don't get that. I don't have that experience when I watch movies on Amazon. They're like always in between. Really? forget I never get them. i would prefer them all up front, get them out the way, and then it's like clear, you know?
00:02:58
Speaker
Right. I mean, man. even Even on YouTube sometimes, it's like, yo, your video is like about to play, and it's like a 90-plus second ad, and you can skip it. Or sometimes i just let the whole thing play, and like, all right, I should be chilling. And then, no, we're like fucking six minutes into the video, and there's another fucking ad.
00:03:16
Speaker
I mean, I have YouTube premium, but yeah, I remember those dark days. Yeah. yeah You know, it's just like if if every streaming service did that, I would not pay for no ads because I can deal with that two hour or two minutes for an hour and a half chilling.
00:03:32
Speaker
We're going live on the podcast peel for a chance to win right now off this soda can cup McDonald's monopoly.
00:03:43
Speaker
ah and it didn't even peel right. So I don't know what happened. Let's fucking go. yeah you could be a millionaire. I could be.
00:03:53
Speaker
You won food. That's what it says. It says you won food and enter the code in the McDonald's app by 11-23-25 reveal food item one.
00:04:06
Speaker
I mean, that could be heat. You could win like a free filet of fish. Do you remember back in high school, we would get those like NFL discount percentages. I tried to use like 10 of them to get a hundred percent off and it didn't work. was a fucking idiot. Yeah. I mean, Hey, yeah. One per purchase. And to also speaking of ads, we'll just, we'll just do an ad right now.
00:04:25
Speaker
Yeah, that sounds right. So follow us. Wow. Fucking falls. So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com. Come get
Social Media Promotion
00:04:45
Speaker
it.
00:04:45
Speaker
Dot com, not dot net, not dot gov, not dot UK. All right. Yeah. the The fucking this girl with a piece. Oh, she's getting fucking. She's got a piece. No, the girl that was a piece from the recording, whatever one we did, we talked about her and her possibly gay boyfriend. Oh, right. Yeah.
00:05:01
Speaker
Yeah. They're back with the Husky. Those people. Yeah. Sorry. It's all right. Follow us on YouTube.
Discussion on Chris Benoit and CTE
00:05:08
Speaker
TikTok. Follow us individually on Letterboxd. Send us a voicemail. 508-8-5-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8- twelve bug whatever was i saying twelve person twelve person maximum yeah forgot what i was saying because human centipede bugs
00:05:32
Speaker
ah Yeah, it's all going be in the description. Go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it. Yeah, you know, I mean, you're getting you're getting closer to to a new episode. Yeah.
00:05:44
Speaker
Probably not. or you're just probably not who knows Or you're just coming off the heels of one because probably put one out around Thanksgiving-ish. I'll put it out for you. I'm going to put it out for you for sure. Yeah.
00:05:55
Speaker
um By the way, we're watching the mean we're we're reviewing the mean one. We watched the mean one. This came out in 2022. This is well past 9-11, well past Chris Benoit. Yeah, this is too recent. Would you say 2022 Chris Benoit is back like people are openly talking about him again?
00:06:13
Speaker
More and more people are talking about him, and I think it's like. Actually, I talked about this to Jake last night, I think. Yeah, shout out Jake. That like... Oh, shit.
00:06:25
Speaker
Can we blame Chris? You what I mean? Like CTE. You know what mean? Yeah, like it's like it's horrible. Right, yeah. Well, it's the same thing with veterans, right? Right, yeah. If they like, you know... Yeah, it's PTSD.
00:06:38
Speaker
Yeah, instead of CTE.
Casting Critiques of 'The Mean One'
00:06:40
Speaker
e It's like that guy. What's his name? The guy from American Sniper. it's not Is it Chris Long? chris kle Kyle. Chris Kyle, yeah. That's what it is. Yeah, it's Chris Kyle.
00:06:51
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I would i think that's fair. I feel bad for him more than like anger. you know like It's sad. Sure, yeah. like I kind guarantee Chris Benoit didn't want to do that. you know but No.
00:07:05
Speaker
um It was directed by this guy, Steve Lamort, Stephen Lamort, who made Screamboat. He needs in fucking Lamorgue, all right? yeah guys mean We've talked about him before. He did Screamboat. So go check out our Screamboat episode.
00:07:18
Speaker
That movie's better. What's scary is there's a Screamboat 2 already in here. I'm not ready for that. No. This guy needs to like quit directing. Yeah, or just get a bigger budget. Find, like, marry some woman who who has, like, her dad's, like, a fucking Saudi prince or something. Like, you need to, like, get some fucking money to, like, have a better budget to make to your movies, man. you know what i mean? And, like, i don't even... If this was practical, wouldn't have been better.
00:07:44
Speaker
mean, there's a lot... There's a there's a lot of issues. that's not saying you'd make it, like, a five. I'm just saying, like, it'd be, like, from, like, a half, spoiler, to, like, maybe two. Better? Yes. But the only thing I was thinking through this entire thing was like, David, David, we're better than this, man.
00:08:03
Speaker
We're better than this. He is. You know, like he's the best part of the movie. I know. And he's not even really in it until the last 15 minutes. That's fair. That's true.
00:08:15
Speaker
Speaking of David, we have our man David Howard Thornton. He plays the mean one. I'm just going to tell you now. I'm sure it's like a copyright thing. I have Grinch all through my notes, so it's I'm not saying the mean one every time.
00:08:28
Speaker
It's just Grinch. Oh, yeah. it's It's the Grinch. Obviously, they couldn't say it. Yeah, but I'm to say it right here, right now. shout those were so Those were good gags when they couldn't say the Grinch and they got cut off. Yeah. Yeah, it was funny. I would agree. And then I honestly don't know what to think of the next person, Crystal Martin.
00:08:48
Speaker
At times, she just gave me like Ronda Rousey life. Yes! That's all I was going to say. was like, this bitch is fucking Ronda Rousey. That montage scene where she's like gearing up to not fight him. I was like, is that Ronda Rousey?
00:09:02
Speaker
Yeah, she... yeah Yeah. You know? This movie goes through so many different like... Vibes. Now, here's the thing. are we I mean, well, first of all, let's put some fucking respect on David Howard Thornton's name. I'm fucking him. Oh, I'm fucking him for sure, yeah. You gotta be fucking him.
00:09:20
Speaker
This man, if he looked into his fucking eyes, I'd fuck him, all right? yeah You know what's crazy? The Grinch makeup looked straight out of Jim Carrey's Grinch. Like, it was, like, almost identical. it looked it looked It looked fucking cute.
00:09:33
Speaker
Like, if they're ever gonna remake that, get David Howard Thornton. I would just say his teeth are a little different. Well, yeah, this guy's like, you know, an actual murderer. Yeah. um Are we fucking Crystal Martin? i mean, I probably would, right?
00:09:47
Speaker
I mean, I'd fuck Ronda Rousey, so I guess, right? Yeah, yeah.
00:09:53
Speaker
Congratulations, you got the button. We got ah Chase Mullins, who plays Officer Burke. He is...
Scene Dissection and Critique
00:09:59
Speaker
ah Fuck, I had it in my head watching. i also had him had a light version of this guy, too.
00:10:05
Speaker
Oh, really? It's gone. I'm sorry. It's not there anymore. But um kind of annoying. Not the most annoying person, but he's kind of annoying. I don't think I'm fucking this guy. No. No.
00:10:18
Speaker
No. The more I talk about this movie, the more I'm... Did this get a theatrical release? in it It was probably like what they did for Screambow and like the... What's it called?
00:10:30
Speaker
Poo. Yeah, it's like it was like a limited... like Maybe it's like a Fathom event. Like three three nights only? Yeah. Because all I could think about was like this is like someone's short... Not even short film, it's feature length. But like I could see someone like making this and just putting it up on YouTube. like That's the quality Feature length? no
00:10:50
Speaker
No, I agree with that. I would agree with that 100%. Like, we're we're talking... Get so fucking heated. We're talking about... Everybody knows the Grinch lives way up on the fucking hill, right?
00:11:01
Speaker
He's up on the fucking mountain. That's a hill? I don't know. What's going on to you? He's... He's in the fucking mountain, right? Like, he's on fucking Mount Fuji, way the fuck up there, right? And that's where his cave is. you yeah That's where his cave is, right? yeah But when they show you his cave, when they get there and they're fucking hunting this man down, they're in the... That's where the Taliban fucking does me heading, man. Yes. ah so They're in, like, the desert, right? It's supposed to be snowing. chrisp They're in the desert and, like... for some reason But for some reason, when he falls in the cave, there's snow inside the cave. I don't know what the fuck we're doing. But there's no snow around the cave. It's just inside the little hole he fell into it.
00:11:39
Speaker
That's it. like we're Like, I could find the same fucking cave, like, probably in Hyde Park. You know what mean? Like... You know what fucking talk about? Yeah, I do.
Holiday Traditions and Santa Jokes
00:11:49
Speaker
um Next, they... I think they got the casting wrong. It says John Biggum. This is just Zach.
00:11:57
Speaker
Yeah. In like 10 years. i have to Have I shown you this picture of Zach? No. You have to see this picture of Zach, and because you just watched the movie, you'll understand that it's like literally the fucking same person. i mean, look at this picture of Zach and tell me that's not the guy who plays Doc. Holy shit. Yeah. that mean, that's Doc. So, Zach, I didn't know you were an actor, but good for you, man.
00:12:20
Speaker
Good for you. You're in one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, and I'm not fucking this guy. No. Then we got fucking it Amy Schumacher who plays Mayor McBean on a flicker fucking bean. This bitch is in Screamboat. And she's also in, I believe she's the same woman who's in Terrifier 1 and there's a letter, it's the same issue I brought up when we reviewed Screamboat.
00:12:43
Speaker
She's the main, she's the blonde chick who sits on Art's lap in Terrifier 1. Is she? Yeah. I promise. Because I'm pretty sure we looked this up on the Screamboat review.
00:12:54
Speaker
I mean, I can't remember that far back. But she's not a piece in this movie, but she is a piece.
00:13:03
Speaker
Like MILF energy. Kind of. She kind of looks, for all the wrestling people out there, she kind of looks like Charlotte Flair. I'm just saying. I think it's a little disrespectful of Charlotte Flair.
00:13:14
Speaker
i I don't find Charlotte that attractive. She looks busted as shit. I'd fucking mean if it no' be off you charlotte she fucking give it to her. i mean, she came out of Rick's ball bag. So like that's, though that's fire. Sure. You got to throw a back on her for the clout. You know what i mean?
00:13:30
Speaker
oh yeah. Fuck it. Yeah. But she's got to woo me every time I fucking thrust in her, you know, that's, that'd be crazy. You'd like do it like slowly. What are we doing with this girl? Yes. I i probably bag her and fuck her. Yeah.
00:13:44
Speaker
She got a, you know.
00:13:48
Speaker
Who the fuck is Lou? Did we forget the sheriff? None of these people... I did. None of these people have pictures. That's how fucking small this movie is. We got Eric Baker who plays Sheriff Hooper. I feel like this is a not fucking it. But also, it's kind disrespectful to fucking... ah the The right Hooper. Hooper from fucking Jaws. It's the only Hooper I recognize. Yeah, exactly.
00:14:10
Speaker
She's bad. Or Tobe. Fucking Husky. Shut the toe. I guess. Um... I mean, who else you want to shout out in here? The fucking bartender? The narrator? The narrator, maybe.
00:14:22
Speaker
He's got two movies. His name is Christopher Sanders. I don't even see him, so no comment. I got nobody else in here to shout out, I feel like.
00:14:32
Speaker
No, but who's this fucking Jesse Holder Tourette's bitch? I'm trying to pipe her down. The anchor woman. from then You're trying to pipe this down? Yeah, kinda. Nah, I'm good.
00:14:44
Speaker
She looks wild. That's what i like. She looks like a fucking goldfish.
Family Anecdotes and Humor
00:14:51
Speaker
Blub, blub. Blub, blub is right. ah Similar films. i'm not I'm not trying to discourage anyone from like watching this movie yet, but I just want to read my review from when I watched this in 2022. I ignored all those warning signs not to watch this movie. There's not one redeemable thing about it. I want to punch Cindy in the face.
00:15:15
Speaker
It's what I wrote three years ago.
00:15:19
Speaker
Yeah, movies this movie's fucking terrible. It's a 1.7 rating on Letterboxd. Is this the lowest rated movie reviewed in the podcast? Is Screen Boat work? No, Screen Boat's like a two.
00:15:32
Speaker
We've never done a scene by scene for movie this bad. Or, well, what Human Centipede 2? 1.7, the same. Same. Alright, so we're tied. Two in a row. Wow. That's crazy we did it back to back like that. What's Snow White? That's not scene by scene. Never mind.
00:15:47
Speaker
No, but it's trash.
00:15:51
Speaker
That's a 1.8. Wow. Alright, so if you don't know already, we do a scene by scene. So we're going to give you every scene in this movie. Probably not every scene because there's some stuff I just didn't write down. Brother, there's like... we might lot of stuff they could have trimmed the fat. This is a 92-minute movie, and it might as well have two hours. I've never complained about a 90-minute movie length in my life until now. This one they could have cut easily 10 to 20 minutes out of, and it would have been okay. i was so I had to force myself to look at the screen.
00:16:21
Speaker
I'm not kind of... I gotta get through. Like, i told you that Pirates 4 was fucking horrible. Oh my god. Well, we haven't rated anything this low. I mean, well, now we just did a Human Centipede 2, so we have. but I want to give a zero.
00:16:37
Speaker
Yeah. I'm giving you this heads up. Yeah. Well, he's fucking horrible. Fucking horrible. Okay, but I will give it one thing. Give it one thing. This movie jumps genres. We got... It starts out literally like Terrifier 3, straight off rip.
00:16:53
Speaker
Like Terrifier 3. And then we go into like a Hallmark movie. Right? yeah Big Hallmark movie vibes in this movie. 100%. Then we go to like... Then the dad dies and then it changes. Then it changes, yeah. Then the Hallmark stops. Then you kind of get into like... Kind of slasher, but the worst slasher you've ever seen. This movie's better or this movie's worse than Leprechaun.
00:17:18
Speaker
that I mean, I give them the same rating, but yeah, it's they're bad. i just And then also just to follow what you're saying, and then towards like the last third of the movie, they decide to throw in like this political thriller.
00:17:31
Speaker
We're going to uncover corruption. yeah Yeah. Which is like, where is this coming from? Wow. Corruption in politics in the police system. like in But like in a slasher in a 90 minute movie. Yeah.
00:17:44
Speaker
You know? Brutal. like what it would They had one job, and it was make the Grinch a slasher. And they somehow failed. Big. Big. And he doesn't talk. This was David's opportunity to talk.
00:17:58
Speaker
um All right. So essentially the movie opens with this narrator telling us like the traditional story of of Cindy Lou who right but in this one.
00:18:11
Speaker
Yeah. But in this one, she's called Cindy. You know who. Right, because you know who she is. you know You know who the fuck she is. You know know you know the story. yeah You know we're trying to get rid of copyright claims. And as much as I want to, we can't call this the not-mean one because there's no not-means this movie.
00:18:27
Speaker
There's zero. Zero fucking- one not-mean. Unreal. I just need- Yeah, yeah. yeah I did pull the ones. um But actually how it happened is i guess in this movie, the mean one just been the guy delivering gifts the whole time. There is no Santa.
00:18:48
Speaker
Santa's not real. According to the flashback they have at the at the end of the movie. Oh, speaking of that, I just want to know. Just by the way, I was talking to my sister last night and she told me that. ah What the fuck did she say?
00:19:02
Speaker
I can remember now. She said something was fucking stupid because it wasn't real. And I was like, bro, Santa's not fucking real. And we just put it out there every single year for the entire world that Santa's coming on December 24th.
00:19:15
Speaker
And like, no, he's fucking not. It's just fake. Yeah. think But this it's wild that did do we just do that. I get it. But like, I fuck with it so hard.
00:19:25
Speaker
ah well the entire the entire world just tricks every kid under the age of like fucking 10. You know what mean? Or 14 if you're me. Oh, yeah. But now, ooh, when I have kids, I'm scared.
00:19:39
Speaker
Like, they're going go to, like, kindergarten, or, like, they're just going to be fucking Jerome and Hashisha or some shit. I don't know. Hashisha? Yeah, she's got to be Yeah. So what I'm going to do, right? Hold on. What I'm going do is I don't want this kid to be related to me. Right. So I'm going to marry like a fucking like a dirt to dirt. Right. And then she's going to get fucking inseminated by a black
Plot Critique and Hypotheticals
00:20:01
Speaker
guy. So now it's kind of like hushed Habib and like Leticia, you know, we're going to go like Hashisha, you know?
00:20:08
Speaker
So she's going to be like a fucking Yadder.
00:20:14
Speaker
Yeah, i follow I think I followed most of that. We're going to go to KFC with the fucking, you know, suicide vest on. You know I mean?
00:20:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, that's that's it's fair, right? That's fair. i get it. Yeah. She's going to skip school but still have the best grades. Absolutely. You what mean? Yeah.
00:20:38
Speaker
um So anyways, this fucking mean green, he's been delivering packages. Delivering packages little kids. yeah That's crazy.
00:20:51
Speaker
ah I mean, to be fair, Santa's kind of a fucking pedophile if you think about it. You know what I mean? He's got Chris Hanson on this motherfucker. It's crazy. This man lives all year just to for one night.
00:21:05
Speaker
Leave it to us to ruin Christmas for you guys. He's gonna be like, oh, 1%. Yeah. Skim. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's fine. I mean, it's probably gonna, I mean, he probably, that probably happens. He probably goes to some house and drinks like fucking nut milk.
00:21:20
Speaker
he like all Yeah, right? Like you were on the fucking, the good list. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. in yeah yeah you're yeah Okay. Fucking gluten-free cookies? What the fuck is this shit?
00:21:40
Speaker
He just, like, spits it out. Oh, it's vegan? What the fuck?
00:21:46
Speaker
Dude, do you fucking get gifted. i mean, he drinks like fucking the nut milk or whatever. And then just like all your gifts are just like whole milk. Just gallons of whole milk. Yeah. But that you got fucking Kurt Angle outside the fucking milk truck. Yeah. He's fucking spraying your ass. Oh, man. it Fucking hoes on my Kurt Angle. That's fucking hot.
00:22:05
Speaker
Every time I see that... um We're going so off the rails. Every time I see that gif, it's like when the special needs kids like get a like fucking birthday present or something, and you're like, yeah! Kurt Angle being fucking stupid. Kurt Angle does look a little special needs.
00:22:20
Speaker
Because he's bald, right? He's the old guy, bald, hey? Ball head can barely move his arms because he's fucking and is fucking paralyzed. Yeah. um so her mom that So Cindy, you know who sees not mean. He's not not mean. but And then her mom, she gives him like a ah necklace or something.
00:22:42
Speaker
o It was like shit. Honestly, if I was Santa Claus and some gave me I'd be get this shit out of here. It's like they just like made it out of Play-Doh and then let it dry somewhere. Yeah, it's like, I don't fucking want this shit. yeah And then her mom comes down and she sees that it's like the Grinch.
00:22:59
Speaker
And they get into a fight which is filmed horribly. The choreography for any of these fight scenes is just filmed fucking trash. I mean, we have straight up cuts into blank stares, into cuts into another blank stare, and then they finally talk. Like, it's... it It's real, guys. Yeah.
00:23:19
Speaker
Yeah. ah But at some point, you't you can't really see it. She takes a something to her neck. i don't even know what it is. To her neck? The mom.
00:23:30
Speaker
Yeah. When she gets in cheek dies? you stab the neck, yeah. Oh, she so she attacks the Grinch with like a nutcracker, like the decoration, right? The Declaration of Independence. Right. And for some reason, this like nutcracker has a real sword, and she gets pushed down and like falls onto it and like goes through her neck.
00:23:49
Speaker
Um, so anyways, her mom dies and, uh, the Cindy calls him a monster and that I guess like sets him off. One little girl calling him a monster sets him off and you get the credits.
00:24:03
Speaker
And I mean, there might've been some narration here, but I fast forwarded through the credits. Uh, and then essentially they're coming back 20 years later and it's Cindy and her dad and this whole chunk with the dad, like just, just 86 this, we don't fucking need
Character Interactions and Logic
00:24:16
Speaker
this in the movie. Just get rid of this.
00:24:18
Speaker
No, ah this is this is where like the Hallmark movie starts because it's like, oh hometown girl she went away to like live her dreams now she's yeah now she's coming back and then she like falls she starts flirting with the cop you know i mean it's just straight hallmark movie i mean you gotta start even before that they're in the car singing that partridge in a pear tree song like the director needs to be fucking 86 at this point no execute order 66 on this fucking guy there i mean yeah i don't think he has the mental capacity be ah to be a fucking jedi but you know
00:24:53
Speaker
so I don't even know. What is his name in this movie so we can shout him out? We never even shouted this guy out. Oh, the dad? Maybe it's Robert Dottillo. He looks like Bargain Bin, the guy who played Loomis in the Rob Zombie movies. He also looks like Bargain Bin... ah What's his name?
00:25:10
Speaker
Jesus fucking Christ. He looks like Bargain Bin, the guy... fucked her... Jigsaw! John Kramer. John Kramer. Yeah. I also thought that. Just let that, leave all that in. That's embarrassing.
00:25:24
Speaker
like, like while he's dying of cancer. Correct. While he's getting operated on in his fucking head. Yeah. So.
00:25:34
Speaker
And she's fucking partridge in my asshole. you yeah yeah i want to Yeah, exactly. Show me your fucking eggs. um Yeah, let me get up in the fucking tubes. you know tired I was talking to Jake yesterday and I was like, i was like yeah, grab my tail like a lizard.
00:25:52
Speaker
was like, I'm going to get away. going to chase me? This man, I'm fucking outing this man. This man called me, right? He's laying on his bed and he's like, should I go, ah should I drive like, yeah, should I drive 15 minutes to the next town over to buy pudding?
00:26:08
Speaker
was like, it's 7.30 night. And you want pudding. You want fucking, he's like, yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah, and he's like, yeah you know I don't drink sodium. don't do that. Yeah, I'm done with that life. But you're fucking driving 7.30 to get pudding.
00:26:21
Speaker
At 7.30 at night. And then he proceeded to buy pudding and like these frozen chicken parm meals. Yeah, it's tough. And you wonder why you're ugly.
00:26:34
Speaker
All right. So the town they live in is called Newville. Wow. Opposed to Whoville? Cindy tells her father that Dr. Brink says she needs to go back and face her her memories. They don't even say face your fears. They say face her memories.
00:26:52
Speaker
Like, yeah. Yeah. ah So they get pulled over and this is Burke, Officer Burke. And off the rip, he wants to fuck Cindy and she kind of wants to fuck him too.
00:27:05
Speaker
Straight off rip. Like, oh, this guy's cute. Off rip. And the cop, they got pulled over because they have car decorations all over and it's a town law. They can't have it. um and I'm a big Christmas decorator. yeah i fuck I fuck heavy. You will not see me with fucking Rudolph nose and antlers on my car.
00:27:22
Speaker
No, it's kind of, yeah, it's like too much. It's too way too much. Yeah. um And they do say in the beginning this movie, they're here to sell the house. Well, guess what? Right. Most of movie takes place in that fucking house. Yeah, because they had to get their Airbnb like money's worth, you know?
00:27:40
Speaker
Right. So they're at the house and Cindy thinks she hears me in the fireplace and there's a bat in there, which is like kind of a jump scare. um And she, her dad runs over like, are you okay, Cindy? And she's like, I got to face these memories. I got to face them.
00:27:55
Speaker
I got to face my memories. ah I'm afraid of bats. Yeah. Oh man, this is a background origin story. Yeah. Barbara. ah Fucking paralyzed me already. Put me in a wheelchair.
00:28:10
Speaker
Shoot me my spine. Where is David you've played the Joker before just do it end it can do it. It was better than this Yeah, it wasn't that was a short film. That's what I'm saying. This guy's fucking horrible as a director um We cut and Cindy's like a asleep and she gets her fucking mouth grabbed see your your mouth big grab this is like ah like Make the movie little more interesting What
00:28:39
Speaker
are you saying Um...
Plot Holes and Narrative Issues
00:28:42
Speaker
So she gets her mouth grabbed and the dad runs in with a bat. And yo, this shit, I'll be honest with you, this shit was kind of wild to me because he comes in and he grabs her. She's like, you okay? And he starts kissing her hand and he's kissing her forehead. He's like, yo, dad, take a step back. Relax. Like, what are you doing, bro? your Dad's lonely. Like, yeah, your mom is not in the picture, but like, what are you doing?
00:29:05
Speaker
Like, just use your hand. Also, what happened on Christmas that 20 years ago that the mom came down and got, where was the dad? And why is there no beef that she's like, you didn't save mom?
00:29:16
Speaker
Right, that would have been a better story. You know what would have been? The better story would have been like if the Grinch was like a story. If it was like an an episode of Scooby-Doo, right? It's like a whodunit. Like the Grinch is just someone in the town dressed up cause they of the local legend.
00:29:31
Speaker
And it's dad? And it's dad. m i fucking hated your whore mother. mean...
00:29:42
Speaker
fucking whore, mother. Love the Christmas cheer. I fucking hated it. Fuck up. You wanted to fucking leave out gluten-free cookies and skim milk for Santa. The slut deserved to die. We're calling her a whore because drank skim
00:30:01
Speaker
What? I don't like this. She was like getting fucking run through by every guy in the town. She just had gluten-free cookies. I fucking hate You fucking cunt.
00:30:12
Speaker
you got free cookies You fucking ruined Santa for everybody. I had to eat those fucking cookies. yeah know Do you know how many toy drives I stole from the giving cookerss watching to kids? I eat your piece of shit gluten-free cookies.
00:30:33
Speaker
Either way, this started because i was like, he wants to fuck his daughter. Kinda, yeah. um And then we cut to a diner where we see the mayor, Mayor McBean.
00:30:44
Speaker
du That's a crazy name. look my shit ah She recognizes Cindy but walks away and then the Burke walks in with Sheriff Hooper and Hooper, she remembered because Hooper was the guy that came to the house the night her mother got attacked and They show a flashback and Cindy drew a green monster.
00:31:06
Speaker
um And the officer's like, come on. We found a a green ski mask outside. You know, just tell me monsters aren't real. I fucking knew. It's not. It's a black guy. They dropped the balaclava, bro. The fucking. They dropped their shysty on their way out. You can't forget the shysty. No.
00:31:24
Speaker
and he's like, I want to hear you say it. ah So she says it. It's gross. I know. She's getting her fucking forehead kissed. He's like, say it. It's fucking gross. yeah you well We cut back to the present and she's asking Hooper if they found the Christmas killer, as they call him. And he's like, we never got a good description.
00:31:46
Speaker
It's like you fucking did. But, you know. And then then dad walks in and he's he's pissed because there's no Christmas decorations anywhere. And we find out here that Burke is a Jew.
00:31:58
Speaker
And ah Hooper tells the cop that Cindy was in a mental hospital, um but he still wants to get in there. You know, i'm mean, but that that's the thing, right? Like.
00:32:11
Speaker
Cindy and dad are like walking out of the door. yeah They're only like five feet away. And he's just sh straight up like, yeah, she's fucking retarded. Like, um, so anyways, uh, then there's, yeah. So he still wants them at fucking punani. And then we cut and we just see Zach sitting in the car. this is Santa. This is doc.
00:32:32
Speaker
This is Dr. Zeus. Get it. Yeah. Um, and he's just sitting in a car drinking. Then we cut to, um Cut back to dad asking Cindy to help him hang the Christmas lights and they decorate the house. This is so gay, hallmark shit.
00:32:48
Speaker
It is because they're like they put the star on the tree and the dad's just like, oh, yeah, Merry Christmas. Also, like, why is the tree so small? Right? that Like the tree's taller than both of them. Like we're not in fucking a house. We're in fucking a regular adult size house. Your tree has to be minimum six feet tall. Minimum.
00:33:07
Speaker
Yeah. and yeah yeah And if your ceilings aren't that that tall, get off welfare. yes yeah But to be fair, those motherfuckers who are on welfare aren't putting out fucking gluten-free cookies. They can't afford them. It's better that way.
00:33:24
Speaker
That's true. You'd be getting the fucking cream betweens. Like the Dollar Tree version. What fuck is the cream betweens? It's like the dollar version of Oreos. You know how they come up with like stupid fucking names? Yeah, it'd be cream between the cheeks. Cream betweens.
00:33:41
Speaker
Um, so Cindy takes the trash out and the door slammed behind her and she's locked out. Uh, and Cindy sees dad through like the little window get murdered. Uh, and he takes some kind of a pole through the eye.
00:33:55
Speaker
I don't know what the, some kind of fucking Christmas pole, you know? And it's like, yeah. And it's kind of funny because like, it looks like he gets murdered and then she's looking and then his head just popped back up again. Like, Oh, I'm still here.
00:34:07
Speaker
Yeah. And then he takes a pole through the eye and all the Christmas decor gets fucking snatched. And it's like, like really bad CGI. Like, Oh, it's horrible.
00:34:17
Speaker
whole Some of the worst, you know, we've, we've shit on a lot of CGI throughout our, I mean, it's scream boat level. Yeah. Again, i think it's worse.
00:34:29
Speaker
Fair. I think they got a little more budget for screenboat because of this movie. That's what had to have happen.
00:34:38
Speaker
that's part Yeah, I guess it makes sense. um Then it's like a weird cut. And then Cindy wakes up in this hospital trying tell the police about the Grinch. They don't believe her. And then Mayor McBean visits Cindy. And the nurse tells ah the mayor that she's in psychosis. And she's a fucking lunatic.
00:34:56
Speaker
And Cindy thinks the same guy was coming for her from 20 years ago. And she says that he's going to steal their Christmas. burke they They find us, tell us Burke's name here. his name is Burke. And ah they sedate Cindy.
00:35:15
Speaker
Burke asks Bean if it could be the same one. And Bean's like, 20 years later, bro, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Also, the acting. Horrible. Bottom of the barrel here.
00:35:27
Speaker
Real trash. I mean, the whole movie's really bad. Wow. Wow. We're talking like, like, tubie levels of bad acting here. or I mean, Hallmark level of bad acting.
00:35:38
Speaker
I don't know. Hallmark's got that one bitch from Full House. She good at it. Okay. I mean, but you're pulling in people who are like an already known actors. I'm just saying like whoever Hallmark gets generically at ground level.
00:35:48
Speaker
Yeah. Hallmark actor. I think it's a little better. This is like days of our lives type shit. Wow. Yeah. So. so We just see Santa sitting in his car again. And then he's not
Scene Breakdown and CGI Critique
00:36:04
Speaker
actually Santa. I just call him Santa if I didn't say that. He kind of looks like Santa. He looks like Santa. And we cut to Cindy visiting her parents' grave.
00:36:13
Speaker
Then Bert takes her... The fucking names on the grave were like CGI'd onto the gravestone. I didn't see it actually, to be honest. I couldn't even see it, honestly.
00:36:25
Speaker
and Oh yeah, it looked real bad. Can we agree the worst one is the Facebook thing? Yeah. The pictures on Facebook, that's probably going to work. that I could do better in fucking Photoshop.
00:36:38
Speaker
um And she, like, goes to grab the door handle and has, like, a flashback and gets scared. But don't worry. Burke's there to hold her with a thermos of matzo ball soup. You fucking Jew. That's what he said. she's like He's like, hey, matzo ball soup, you know. I'm Jewish. Get it? a proud Jew. Get it? You see my fucking schnoz?
00:36:54
Speaker
Cindy's like, she's not staying in the town she's leaving, which... And then they shake hands, but she doesn't actually leave. Just FYI. Oh, that was really awkward. They shake hands, and he's like, damn, I fucked up. And it's like, yeah, bro, you could have been fucking eating her out, but...
00:37:08
Speaker
You could have served her fucking matzo ball soup out of her pussy. Her dad died last night. Is that a piece of matzo ball or is that your yeast infection? What is that? o o Yeah.
00:37:20
Speaker
um The mayor visits Hooper asking what they're going to about Cindy and she's trying to bury this Christmas killer storyline because the whole town goes nuts when it happens.
00:37:31
Speaker
um They're like trying to put the, you know, political corruption thing in here. it just does not work at all. The dialogue sucks. Uh, we cut to Cindy who's scrubbing dad's blood off the floor.
00:37:43
Speaker
So that's what she's doing instead of leaving. She's scrubbing the blood off the floor the house she wanted to sell. Which you're not going to be able to sell now because a murder just happened there. Also, where's that investigation of how the dad died?
00:37:58
Speaker
I think the the extent of the investigation was, uh... in the hospital when she woke up. And so he was a big green monster. And they just keep, they keep the movie sucks. I'm not defending it, but they're just like, Oh, we don't have a good description. So we can't find them.
00:38:12
Speaker
And well yeah, but then, but that's bullshit because Cindy should be prime suspect. Number one, cause they can't find anybody. She was the only one at the house. Well, why would she kill her father? because she's fucking insane also wouldn't they oh my this is spoilers but wouldn't the sheriff and fucking bean boy like fucking want to put her in jail so she doesn't talk to find out they're behind it that makes sense yeah you're right i'm i i know i know movie's fucking garbage i'm trying to make light of something that's that definitely tracks but maybe maybe uh
00:38:46
Speaker
Maybe dad was fucking choking his chicken so hard that it turned green. She's like, yo, dude, man, the monster's back. and fucking up Oh, to fuck her. Right. Right.
00:38:57
Speaker
well um She finds a flower. i don't know where this flower came from, but she finds a flower and she decides to go up into the woods. And there's literally a scene of her just sitting on a rock drinking whatever drink. Like the Hallmark movie. She's just sitting with a little fucking blanket cuddled up. Like, look at these stars. Like, it's the middle of the fucking day, cuz. Drinking her like fucking hot cocoa.
00:39:22
Speaker
And then starts taking photos, and then ah something runs by her, and she's literally thrust into a fucking Al-Qaeda cave. I mean, it's just like you it's like the way they shot this, she was just sitting on a rock, and now she's in a cave. It's just like out of and of the blue.
00:39:37
Speaker
And there's snow, as we said, inside the cave. But not outside. No, just inside. And she finds the wallet of one Walter Mulberry. Who is he? I don't fucking know. Irrelevant. Irrelevant.
00:39:49
Speaker
And then she comes back out of the cave and she sees this couple getting, ah having a moment, having a hallmark moment, we'll call it. And she's like, oh, that's cute. Forget the fact I just fell into a fucking cave. That's.
00:40:04
Speaker
Yeah. And then she, you see, you don't see them, but like you it's like the outline of the, of the mean one. It's off to the left. And then they get attacked. He's there. Don't worry.
00:40:16
Speaker
And they get attacked. And this is some of the cringiest shit ever. She gets up on top of a rock and she goes, Hey, asshole. it's It's like laughably bad. It's really horrible.
00:40:27
Speaker
And she starts throwing rocks at him like like we're in fucking Empire Strikes Back or something. What are we doing? You know? Like that scene from ah It, Rock Fight.
00:40:40
Speaker
this But way worse. Oh, because yeah, because that movie's good. Great movie. And we finally get a face reveal of David Howard Thornton's mean one. And he runs off.
00:40:52
Speaker
And the paramedics come and ask this woman who I guess didn't die. guess just the husband died. And she's like, I didn't have my glasses. So she can't conform. Confirm? Confirm or deny he was green or not. It's like, how can you not fucking say he was green or not? What, you card blind too? Shout out to Big Len. Facts. I got to dress him sometimes. That's crazy. You put your fucking pants on your dad. You know what I did? You're like, damn, Pa. Got a fucking wiener on you. Oh, man. Not like that. Damn, Pa. You got that fucking candy cane. know he does, though, bro. Sometimes he'd be like, yo.
00:41:29
Speaker
He'd be like, going to bathroom. What do you mean? He'd be like, yo. What? He'd be like, yo. What?
00:41:38
Speaker
Hey, boys! Sometimes, like in the middle of the night, he'll get up to go to the bathroom, right? Yeah. And like, yeah well, yeah, he's just in his fucking tighty-whities, and I'm like, yo, that shit's constricted. Let that boy free!
00:41:55
Speaker
Yeah. He needs to breathe. That's crazy. um I've never seen it that I can remember. You ever seen a little bit of a sack hangout or what? No. Probably as a kid when I like just took but my first shower or something. you know Yeah. It just bounced you off your forehead. wow Yeah. It's probably bigger than my arm. Not your forehead. That doesn't make sense, but you know what I mean. His foreskin touched my foreskin. That'd be cute.
00:42:20
Speaker
So. But Burke in this movie is definitely not snipped. He's Jewish. Right. No, I thought Jews do it. Big. Do they do? Yeah, I think Jews are big into... and I think they created it, actually. Oh, they're the big snippers?
00:42:37
Speaker
Who invented circumcision? Yes, Jewish tradition involves circumcision. Yeah, the Jews invented it. Oh, that's what's up then. Shout out Jews. He's for sure snipped. um ah Sometimes my penis is like so small, right, in the morning. i like it's like back Yeah, it's shriveled up, right? Sometimes it looks like I'm hooded.
00:42:55
Speaker
Yeah, you're back. youre Yeah. So then I have to like spread my skin out to like be like, oh, thank God. Yeah, you to pull it forward. Yeah. Right. um Hooper pulls fucking Cindy aside and says she's terrorizing the town and Hooper ah shows Hooper.
00:43:12
Speaker
ah Sorry. She shows Hooper this foot this blurry ass photo she has. And Hooper's like, well, the mountains are federal territory, so going to be able look into this.
00:43:23
Speaker
um And he just doesn't believe her and says she's mentally ill. Then Burke walks over and he's like, yeah, I can't help. want fuck you, but I can't help.
00:43:34
Speaker
And Cindy shows him the wallet she found. And he's like, yes, so. And she's like, well, who fucking wouldn't have their wallet anymore? Just like in a mountain, you know? Oh, I don't know. Someone that lost their wallet.
00:43:47
Speaker
So then it cuts and we see ah Cindy going around hanging ah some flyers with a shitty picture she took of Namin. And then ah McBean calls ah call somebody, I guess probably Hooper, and she's like, yo, tell her to stop fucking putting these drawings up.
00:44:06
Speaker
But she's like right behind her. Very like... right And then Burke, we cut to Burke, who's doing research on Walter. And Walter's been missing since the 27th of December 2009. A lot closer to Chris Benoit. Yeah, to only two years after. Yeah, fresh in our minds.
00:44:25
Speaker
We cut to the SantaCon van. a bunch of fucking drunk Santas. They go to a diner. They're all drunk. And the lady is like who's serving them is like, we only have iced tea.
00:44:36
Speaker
ah And there's just one Santa who just wants some fucking cookies. You know what mean? He's just groping her and she don't like that. I don't like that. ah And then she's in the kitchen and you see, bro, the picture she had was not iced tea ever in a thousand years as iced tea.
00:44:54
Speaker
this This scene right here, I took a Snapchat video and sent to people. I was like, look at this fucking shit that I am watching. What part? The kill? Or like, what part? you Before that, when it first cuts to her in the kitchen, and she's just turning the glasses. Just just turning them. Right? And then she's like, oh Because she hears a sound, right? Then she just goes back to turning the glasses before the fucking guy pops up, and he fucking fuck elbows him in the nose. You know else pops up? It's fucking Wiener. because he was trying to Yeah, it definitely does. But I'm just like... We can tell that she's just fiddling with the glasses because...
00:45:32
Speaker
There's like no context to the scene. So she's got stay in that same position and wait for this fucking guy. Yeah. I'm just like it'll with something else. I just want you to know that the, those two movies that that I bought or that I, that
Comparisons to Other Movies
00:45:47
Speaker
you bought that I found here, fucking ginger dead man. And other one are as bad, if not worse in this movie, I just want you to know now. guess' how bad they are They're horrible. Oh God.
00:45:57
Speaker
Um, actually ginger dead man might be worse than this movie. How is that even possible? You got to watch it. have to tell you it's it's that bad. um So this like you said, she he pops up, she elbows him in the face, and then she turns around and there's a trail of blood to the walk-in.
00:46:15
Speaker
And she finds Homeboy dead in there with, I guess it's an icicle through his neck. Yeah, but like that, how's he dead already?
00:46:25
Speaker
um and then the I mean, if he left it if you left it in there, right? He'd be all right. I guess. I don't know. isn't there some Mortal Kombat, John? That was like big, right? They fucking throw ice people. Oh, Sub-Zero. you Yeah, he does that.
00:46:38
Speaker
Yeah. We cut back the dining room where the mean one appears and he locks the door. And there's a... I never thought I'd say this. There's a kill scene that just takes too long.
00:46:51
Speaker
Hmm. It's just dragged out. It's like, this fucking over yet? CGI the top. It's fucking cut to shit. Yeah. like not even like, none of the kills, like you'd like, oh, he's doing that. It's just like chaos.
00:47:06
Speaker
The only one that I actually kind of like was when he stomped that girl's face in the ground. He was like smushing it. That was nice. the The one where he put that bitch in like the meat grinder to make the ground meat, that had so much potential.
00:47:18
Speaker
That had Swinger Todd written all over it. stupid Big Sweenis energy, and then it's just CGI. um
00:47:31
Speaker
So, I forgot to mention he locks the the server. The server who finds the guy dead in the walk and gets locked in the walk-in. And then she gets let out and like sees the carnage. And again, Cindy is looking for people to believe her. Where the fuck is this waitress at?
00:47:49
Speaker
Right. That is your number one person you could go to. But instead you go to drunk Santa Claus who no one believes. He's like the ah fuck's that guy.
00:48:00
Speaker
Ralph from Friday the 13th. Yeah. Crazy Ralph. Crazy Ralph. But like a bad character.
00:48:11
Speaker
I didn't hate him. i didn't think he was horrible. Honestly, the people who pissed me off the most of the movie are Cindy and Mickey Bean. And Burke. Burke automatically is Jewish. I'm just kidding. Just kidding. Because he's a cop.
00:48:23
Speaker
I don't fuck with pigs. You know what ramo um So we're going to move on. um We cut to Hooper asking Cindy to take down Flyers. And um there's no mention of like Hooper doesn't get like a call. They'll be like, hey, there's been a murder in the diner. Like nothing happens. No.
00:48:46
Speaker
We cut to that night. Cindy's in the same house she was trying to sell. watching news dad was murdered five feet away yeah you were scrubbing the blood off the floor but then you said fuck that we'll leave that there won't deal with that there's the news is on about the diner massacre and they mentioned right here server is the sole survivor and she watches this and doesn't think oh let me go talk to this bitch Um, suddenly the power goes out. Um, and the mean one tries to enter the front door, but she's able to push it closed.
00:49:24
Speaker
Um, and then she hides and grabs her phone. And then we hear someone enter and she punches this guy in the face. This is Santa. Where'd he come from? Just walks up in the crib.
00:49:36
Speaker
He said he saved her life. So he's like, you want to get a drink? And then we cut to Horton's. I guess this Canada. like We were at Tim Horton's just chilling.
00:49:48
Speaker
And Santa tells Cindy that he knew when she came back that Grinch would also be back. um And this was fucking stupid. He keeps calling it a thing. And she goes, what thing are you talking about? he goes, you know what I'm talking about. She goes, no, I don't.
00:50:02
Speaker
No. What's going on here? What do you mean? No, you don't. You know, fucking do, girl. That a thing up there, you know, think that you watch a tactical. trying to convince people is real. That thing, that thing, you know, the Finch.
00:50:18
Speaker
Yup. ah I think his name is yeah Mike Finch. Real Irish fucker. yeah Well, he's at a bar. so And it's also fucking hilarious that he passes her like a completely like well done drawing of the Grinch.
00:50:34
Speaker
She's like this guy. oh Oh, you're talking about this guy. Oh, that's the guy. um And he tells her he's seen it, obviously.
00:50:45
Speaker
And says, 11 years ago, his wife tried to mail some gifts her nephew in Florida, and she got fucking mauled. Darth mauled, cut in half. Whoa. um Cindy asked if Santa would go with her to make a statement, and he's like, Hooper does not listen to me. I've already done it a thousand times.
00:51:06
Speaker
But I guess they go because we cut to the station. Hooper's like, nah, I don't fucking want to hear this shit. Um, but Burke points out, he's like, yeah, she does have another witness and you know what Jews are good at being lawyers. That's true. Yeah. know a point yon ah
00:51:24
Speaker
ah Cindy brings up the diner, but the, the sheriff was like, well, a diner is state territory, not our territory. So I ain't looking into it. And she's like, can you investigate anywhere in this fucking town?
00:51:39
Speaker
ah Cindy points out like you don't want to fuck look at anything. um So after that scene, Burke takes Cindy home, I believe, or they're talking outside and Burke still can't help her really.
00:51:51
Speaker
And Cindy tells him at this point that she's going to go up into the mountain. I'm telling you, she doesn't. What if I told you that Burke goes up into the mountain before she does?
00:52:03
Speaker
No, I don't believe the rest of this movie is her saying I'm going to go up in the mountain. But she never goes. Never. Everybody else goes. ah We cut to Burke, who's up in the mountain.
00:52:18
Speaker
And he's going spelunking. Shout out the Descent. True. ah And he finds just more wallets because, you know, people are just discarding their old wallets ah in this Al-Qaeda cave. or Also, aren't we in California?
00:52:34
Speaker
We're in Newville. Newville. But the license plate on the car said California. But they're at Horton, so it's Canada. ah Jesus Christ. Oh, sorry, mate. I'm just trying to think, like, if they're if they are in California, right, how's their snow at all?
00:52:51
Speaker
Well, at certain elevations, you can have snow. you're like like a big-ass mountain, has snow on it. because it's sure I guess. It's colder up there. I guess, but not in not in the not in the cave when there's no snow outside. You're saying I guess, but that's like actual science. That's like how that works. It's not like something you can deny. That's like real science. No, I know. You we can ask Bill Nye about that. He'll tell you.
00:53:12
Speaker
Yeah? You can watch all those episodes on YouTube. I actually don't know Bill, so I couldn't ask him anything. You don't know Bill? I don't know Bill like that. I know Dave, though. David Howard Thornton. Yeah, you do know. You got
Conclusion of 'The Mean One' Review
00:53:22
Speaker
a picture with him. Yeah, I do. It's over there. knock it over Yeah, I knocked it over.
00:53:27
Speaker
Uh, so he like steps on a stuffed toy or something that starts playing Christmas music and we hear some footsteps. Oh, I forgot to mention before he steps on that. He finds, uh, like a half eaten body, which did give it its credit. Look good.
00:53:43
Speaker
Sure. Yeah. For the 30, the split second was on screen. Look, right this is like, this is literally like empire strikes back. Like he's hiding from the fucking wampa, you know?
00:53:56
Speaker
The Grinch is the Wampa. And this guy's Luke. The Grinch comes in. He's in the middle of dragging a dead body into this fucking Al-Qaeda cave. And this toy goes off again. And he just fucking yeets it to distract the Grinch. And he trips and falls.
00:54:12
Speaker
ah Burke does. And then hides under a blanket. Like, why is there a blanket? Well, it's the blanket he pulled off of the dead body. That's it's the same blanket. But why is the Grinch worried about hiding the bodies?
00:54:27
Speaker
i don't think he is i think it's just bad filmmaking okay um or maybe maybe the person he ate uh was like hiking and had like ah a backpack and was carrying a blanket or something in case it' like you know like a tent tent situation yeah something like that right i'm about to pitch my tent even still if you're eating a body why you open the bag up to find a blanket to carefully put it over a dead body you ate true in an Al-Qaeda cave. Right, because, you know, there's beheadings every other day, you know?
00:54:57
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I'd go there. I'd go there, like, where's the fucking videotape set up? Yeah. Where's the fucking 4K camera? Yeah. That's what they're doing now. Yeah, also, what's the fucking YouTube link to this? Uh-oh.
00:55:12
Speaker
we're Yeah, y'all got a patreon'll Patreon? got a Patreon for the headings, yo? Yeah, where can I check these out? That's horrible. It's horrible. um So anyways.
00:55:27
Speaker
He hides in this blanket and then the Grinch leaves and he goes to exit this cave and bumps into Xanta who is Zeus, a.k.a. Dr. Zeus. Get it? um And he's got a trunk full of guns and for some reason ah Burke wants to know if he has a a permit for those. And it's like, bro, what are we doing? We're in the woods. It's not your territory. You can't fucking enforce the law out here.
00:55:48
Speaker
Right. You know? And if it if if it really but meant but like saving your life or not, are you going to question it? No. I wouldn't. But at this point, I think Burke is still a little skeptical if the not-mean one exists.
00:56:02
Speaker
Even though he just saw it? Well, he does claim that he, in the next scene when he's talking to Cindy, that he didn't get a good look at it. All right, well. I'm just telling you what happened. though I'm not saying right or wrong. I'm telling you he's fucking blind. He's a cop. Where's his service weapon? Also, is everybody just like, what color can Lenny not see? Is it green?
00:56:23
Speaker
yeah Well, so they're like flip-flopped, most of them. But he can the only one that I know he can see 100% is blue. Yeah, I mean, I think they're all just like fucking Lenny. Just can't fucking see green. They're just like fucking idiots.
00:56:34
Speaker
Yeah. So we cut to um this fire pit at night and Cindy and Berger are sitting outside. she's He's like, look all these wallets I got because Jew and I like money. yeah that well I'm not cutting that. So is this stealing?
00:56:49
Speaker
Is he stealing these wallets or is he bringing them? I did think about it. I was kind going to ask you this. If you or I stumbled into an Al-Qaeda cave and just found some walls of money in them, I mean like – I don't know, man. Who's going to know?
00:57:03
Speaker
Right. They're missing it. It's not like No Country for Old Men where you find like a briefcase with thousands of dollars. It's like $30. Yeah. know? You know what I mean like, fucking sucker. Shouldn't have lost your fucking wallet.
00:57:15
Speaker
I would be curious. i You know what I would do? i would take the wallets and then take the money out and be like, yeah, I found these out in the woods. Yeah, there was no money. I promise. Yeah, or maybe i just like put like a $5 bill in each one or something like that. Yeah.
00:57:27
Speaker
But even today, like we found that happened today. It'd be like just credit cards. Like, cause no one has cash anymore. That's true. and I'm not stealing them. No, you don't need that.
00:57:38
Speaker
No.
00:57:41
Speaker
Uh, and like I just said, he tells Cindy couldn't get a good look at him. Uh, and then we cut and Cindy's taking a shower. Uh, and we watch her and Burke go at it for a little bit. No tip.
00:57:52
Speaker
No tit. I'm very unfortunate. It maybe would have pushed you from a zero star to a half star. If there was some tit, for sure. Yeah, some nice fucking knockers, but... Tit or head. Or dickhead. Honestly, and like even some dickhead would be nice. yeah Well, dickhead...
00:58:06
Speaker
You know, we clean it up a little bit little dickhead one dickhead a day keeps the fucking doctor away, you know? Yeah. I just, I, you know, they called the PPE. It's a different kind of PPE. Prostatek peace erection. that's what im yeah That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Uh,
00:58:22
Speaker
I just want to see a fucking prosthetic piece, man. Can you also, unrelated, can you believe how soon they're putting out the sequel 28 years later already? i don't need another. It's like coming out in January, literally. yeah Yeah, I don't need another one of those for like another, you know, yeah couple years. or just No more. Just be done.
00:58:40
Speaker
Like Avatar. Like James, what are we doing? It was mid. know mean? Right? Did we say it was mid? Yeah, it was mid. Do you know we did a whole after view on 28 years later? I remember nothing of that.
00:58:52
Speaker
It wasn't a scene by scene. I know that for sure. We have a whole episode out on that movie. I have no idea what we said. either. Yeah. I just remember talking about that guy's big dick. Big ass piece. Yeah.
00:59:04
Speaker
um So anyways, this guy doesn't have a big ass piece because he's a Jew. And ah there's a, all of a sudden, the shower curtain gets pulled back. Very psycho-esque.
00:59:15
Speaker
And we see the Grinch slash fucking Burke. And then Cindy wakes up and it was a ah nightmare. Because she keeps having them. um i thought going to say keep the editing. was like, what? is she keep She is part of Al Qaeda.
00:59:31
Speaker
Possibly. yeah If they're in Canada, theoretically. you Imagine Ronda Rousey as a member of Al Qaeda. She'd fuck people up. but I'm just saying we don't know where these caves are.
00:59:42
Speaker
Right, because they're not on the top of a mountain. They could be in Canada. Maybe. You think they filmed in Canada? Is it cheaper there? I was trying act like Al Qaeda because he was like being Canada. We don't even know it.
00:59:52
Speaker
Oh. And there's like, oh, don't mind us in our maple syrup. um i don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. So this is the only scene that I have. I remember two scenes from this movie. This is one of them. The gear up training montage that Ronda Rousey Jr. goes through here is so fucking cringe.
01:00:12
Speaker
Oh, wow. Yeah. She lays out some bear traps. She makes bombs out of ornaments. She keeps like punching this dummy and like it's hurting her hand for some reason. And there's that voiceover of Santa like, you gotta punch harder than that.
01:00:27
Speaker
Like... You punch like a girl. Yeah, all I know is how to make sandwiches.
01:00:37
Speaker
Then in the middle of the montage, Burke finds her ah in like a Home Depot type place. And she's like grabbing random miscellaneous equipment. And then like the two of them are just talking.
01:00:48
Speaker
And I was sitting there watching me being like, yo, you're talking to this guy And you had a wet, a literal wet dream about him last night. Isn't that wild?
01:00:59
Speaker
It is wild. Like if you had a coworker, you had a wet about You could go to work next day and act like everything's normal. Little they know, you were fucking creaming your jeans to him in your sleep. probably happened to me before it's probably happened to all of us yeah uh also that if they should have went like the home alone route also they do like the will they won't they be together a thing it's like bro she's fucking having wet dreams and this guy can't even hide the fact that he wants to pipe her down so just get together just fuck just fuck already you know yeah
01:01:29
Speaker
what were you guys about Home Alone? We're doing that when? Next week? Two weeks? Yeah. Something like that. She's going through like buying all these rope and shit. Like they should have done it like. ropes Yeah. They should have done like Home Alone where they don't go hunting him. He hunts them in her house.
01:01:48
Speaker
I think that was the plan though. Yeah. set She sets all this shit up in her house and then goes up in the mountain. m What are we doing? Like he's going to come to you. Don't worry.
01:01:59
Speaker
Oh, yeah, he is. Gonna catch his fucking back shot. From the Grinch? You think it's green? For sure. Yeah. i think it looks like the Shamrock Shake from McDonald's. Oh, that that consistency too? A little thick? but Yeah, it's it's gotta be the Shamrock Shake. Gotta be.
01:02:15
Speaker
That's gotta be! That's gotta be Kane! And if it, yo, if it tasted like mint, I'd be taking Grinch's fucking nut every day, right? Oh, yeah, done the throat. Yeah. Like a shot.
01:02:27
Speaker
Yeah. yeah I'd be jerking to Grinch like a fucking shake weight. Give me some that fucking Shamrock shake. You know, ha I got my fucking dispenser. Yeah, you know, little Pez dispenser, but it's cum. Yeah. Pull your head back, baby. Yeah. yeah Um, so we cut to Santa who's sitting drunk looking on a picture his wife and he gets up to go leave.
01:02:47
Speaker
And as you were saying, you allude to why did they do this with Cindy. Hooper arrests Santa because he knows he needs to limit the fucking, all the hearsay about this fucking Christmas killer.
01:02:59
Speaker
Um... We cut to a random restaurant. This is the other scene I remember. This is by far one of the worst lines in cinema history that I've ever heard. And it stuck with me. I've watched movie almost three years ago. It stuck with me for three fucking years.
01:03:17
Speaker
Okay? We're in a restaurant. And this guy is closing the restaurant. I work in a restaurant. Right. And you get the delivery at who knows what time of night. 12. 10, 11,
01:03:30
Speaker
And it's not like guy delivering produce. It's like a guy who works for UPS. He's got a dolly and everything. like you know And he drops off this box. And he the store owner opens the box.
01:03:44
Speaker
And he calls this guy back and he's like, Jimmy, I ordered bell peppers, not jingle bells. And it's like, hey, hey, hey, you know, Stephen LaMorte, can we fucking try a little harder?
01:03:58
Speaker
Like, can we just try a tiny bit harder, man? Like, what even is this? ordered bell peppers, though. Not jingle bells. Not jingle. If you didn't figure it out, the box has Christmas decorations in it.
01:04:14
Speaker
What? Is that fucking wild? That's fucking wild. What company is delivering fresh produce and Christmas decorations? Yeah. In the same time? Like, what? I mean, only thing I can think of is, like, he knew how bad this looked and was like, I'm going to fucking lean into it.
01:04:30
Speaker
Maybe. Like, this is not cinema. This is bullshit.
01:04:37
Speaker
So, um...
Grinch Attack Scene
01:04:44
Speaker
i don't know what this says, but we can see the Grinch's silhouette in the window doing the fucking Dikembe Mutombo. yeah That was a cool shot, though, with the shadow. Yeah, it was nice. He was shaking his little thingy. He's like, no, no, no.
01:04:56
Speaker
And then you're like, duck down. um Then we see the store owner. He overhears something fall. We see the Grinch grab a cleaver. And this cleaver proceeds to go through the forehead fucking bahe of the store owner. And he...
01:05:13
Speaker
He goes on to chop this store up into little pieces. Hey, wow. Nice. It's a little cut my the pieces And the funny part is that I didn't really put the whole thing in because copyright, I'm scared. But the whole verse, like chop them up into pieces, wrap them in Christmas lights, push them into the stinking tub.
01:05:33
Speaker
So it yeah i mean it's all Christmassy. The whole thing is Christmassy. Eminem knew that this movie was going to be made. He knew that we were to record an episode on this and I needed a button. He's a yo, two white boys.
01:05:45
Speaker
cut my the pieces i love 3M. It's a fucking great song. We've talked about it before. Yeah, if you know, you know. And if you don't, go fucking listen to it. That's why when you mentioned that fucking we made you reference at the beginning of the episode, was like, i was like, oh, maybe.
01:06:00
Speaker
Slim, are you here with us? Hello? Marshall? So, yeah, he leaves his little box. He leaves them in little pieces in this box for the delivery driver to come back and find him. him up into pieces ah So...
01:06:15
Speaker
If ever have a movie where people get up into pieces, there it is. Most movies that are horror. They get cut up into pieces, though? m In pieces. You know
The Town's Christmas Theory
01:06:24
Speaker
what mean? Pieces.
01:06:25
Speaker
I need a movie with a lot of pieces. Now, can I i just thought this, and I wanted to bring this up so I'm just going to bring it up now. Can I possibly sell you on one little tiny thing that might be good about this movie?
01:06:42
Speaker
I made a parallel. Wait for, let me fucking tie this together for you. Okay. m I made a connection between this movie and a movie we've already reviewed. That's out now. Go listen to it. An American werewolf in London.
01:06:55
Speaker
You ready for this? I am of the belief or I took it as I think, you know how like an American world in London, the whole town of like the fucking, whatever the fuck it's called is like it.
01:07:09
Speaker
We don't talk about it. We're going to actually doesn't exist. Blah, blah, blah. What if this whole town is just like, we're just not even going to acknowledge it, but we're also just not going put up Christmas lights. We're to anything about Christmas and just pretend everything's fine.
01:07:21
Speaker
And the whole town has just shushed it. Know what mean? That same group mentality of like, we're going just do this to survive and just dismiss it.
01:07:31
Speaker
Right. I think they could have explored that a little more. You add a couple more locals into the movie who are like, what are you talking about? yeah I mean, she was put in a fucking mental hospital, which was literally just a picture of a hospital of Google Images.
01:07:46
Speaker
Did you find it? No, but I mean, come on. Wouldn't be hard. No, you're right. all the All the pictures at the end of the movie when they're like, oh, the town returned and people went to go hiking. But like those are all stock images. those are not You didn't try. Sure, yeah. You didn't make those.
01:08:00
Speaker
It's like a ah like a reverse Frankenstein.
01:08:06
Speaker
Which they mention Frankenstein's movie. They do. So, anyways...
01:08:13
Speaker
We cut to Hooper who visits McBean and she's packing.
Political Thriller Element
01:08:16
Speaker
ah And this is when they try to insert this political thriller corruption thing. And ah she asked McBean if she did some shady shit that he's going cover up.
01:08:27
Speaker
And she responds that she's not as deputy anymore, which makes no sense. But um he's like, we're going to have the truth can be uncovered very soon. And then she's like, extend the dark order the fuck she says. And it's like, bro, what are you guys even talking about right now?
01:08:42
Speaker
yeah yeah it was it was really trying to be like really intense and like spectacular writing and it just came out to be shit just shit uh we cut and burke visits cindy and shows her photos of the missing people and he's like look they're all hikers and it's like yes yeah it opened up with like she's like whoa they're all wearing hiking boots and i think he I think he said that and she was like, yeah. like I think she was like, us like yeah okay yeah. They're all hikers. like okay Look at this.
01:09:17
Speaker
Everybody's wearing hiking boots and they're climbing a mountain. and it's like That's what I found the wallets. It's just like, what are we doing? like yo Steve, you alright, bro?
01:09:30
Speaker
yeah Y'all need Steve. Jesus fucking
Budget Critiques and Stock Images
01:09:33
Speaker
Christ. Yeah. like Who let this guy through the police academy? I mean, who let this director make this fucking movie?
01:09:42
Speaker
I don't know. What do you think the budget of this fucking piece of shit? I wanted you to look up that budget versus screenboat budget. I was just curious if there was a difference. While you do that, I'm just going to rant about this real quick.
01:09:52
Speaker
The next scene in this movie is the, for me, the worst part. It'll be worse than the fucking bell peppers. He's like, I found all their Facebook profiles.
01:10:03
Speaker
And they show these stock images of just random people. I wouldn't be shocked if someone went and watched this movie. They go, hey, that's my fucking Facebook profile picture. What the fuck? Yeah, I believe that. no way they asked anybody for permission for these photos. I don't believe they did. You can tell me they did. i don't believe you.
01:10:22
Speaker
Then they just CGI'd a really shitty silhouette of the mean one in the background of all these photos. But Cindy's crazy?
01:10:34
Speaker
ah I just wrote it's fucking hilarious because it's just like, yo, how fucking bad could a movie be? Real bad. So there's not a known budget for this movie.
01:10:46
Speaker
Of course not.
01:10:49
Speaker
um David Howard Thorne just put it all on his back. He just paid for it out of pocket. He's like, I got Terrifier money. so But it grossed on its opening weekend $218,000.
01:11:01
Speaker
That's nothing. That's nothing. a Screenboat.
01:11:07
Speaker
Budget. Screenboat's budget was 2 mil.
01:11:14
Speaker
I would guess this is somewhere in the range of like 1 to 1.5 mil then.
01:11:21
Speaker
You think so? Yeah, I think so. Fuck. Dude, you should probably rewatch Screenboat because the blood is just as bad.
01:11:31
Speaker
um the blood is that bad it made screenboat made 19 mil so it made its i will say the screenboat had way better marketing it did
01:11:44
Speaker
um so this is the big political scandal by the way there's a website that advertises hiking in newville jesus fuck it's so fucking dumb Which is hilarious because they're like, oh, the mountains are not our territory, but we're advertising hiking in Newville.
01:12:00
Speaker
um And we find out that the website was published by Mayor McBean. um So Cindy's like, I'm going after the monster, which i already told you.
01:12:11
Speaker
And Burke is like, well, I can't let you do that. And she's like, well, I'm going to do it. And then she proceeds again to just not go in the mountains. um next scene is mcbean trying to go wherever the fuck she was going and her car stalls out um and for some reason christmas future starts blasting and she opens the front hood of her car to like check out what's going on and when she closes the hood there's like a jump scare of the mean one dave dave but here's the thing right so are we saying that the grinch now has like
01:12:45
Speaker
powers because he just cranked her fucking radio all the way up with his mind did possibly like now this guy's art the clown dude maybe I'll do an origin story that for the mean one in the next movie he thinks ah the next one I'm just saying the end is movie here and fucking growl and he goes next year there it off so next year like the spray yeah maybe since this guy's making screenboat to Yeah.
01:13:12
Speaker
Maybe put both those letterbox scores together and we might get like Screamboat 2's rating. So like a half star, half star. Screamboat 2 would be like a one star movie.
01:13:25
Speaker
aive I gave Screamboat one and a half.
01:13:29
Speaker
Maybe that's what I gave it too. I think we both gave it a one and a half. Is it not related? It's not. That's still too high. Is it?
01:13:41
Speaker
I don't know. I haven't watched this since then. Screamboat. We were laughing our asses off at fucking David Howard Thornton. And he's just like trying to fucking sell that guy's head off. You're right. Screamboat has a two.
01:13:52
Speaker
We both gave a star and a half.
01:13:58
Speaker
I don't know. Go check out our ah podcast on Screamboat. Do it, fuckers. Yeah. My review for that movie was unreal. This movie was actually made. That's I wrote.
01:14:09
Speaker
I mean, that's valid. Yeah. So, anyways, uh, the mean one, he bites McBean the face, and then he chokes her out with her own fucking campaign stickers.
01:14:24
Speaker
That was kind of cool. Then decapitated with the trunk. That, you know... Pretty sick. Sick. Maybe he gets a half star just for that. Well, you can't rate it zero.
01:14:36
Speaker
I know. So you have to give it a half, bare mins. Uh... We cut to Santa, who's still locked up, begging to get out. ah He's talking to Hooper, and then Burke walks in and tells Hooper he knows up what's going on with this fucking website.
01:14:50
Speaker
And here we get the fucking origins of all this shit. And Hooper tells him the story of he was looking for Stephanie, whoever the fuck Stephanie is. and can you Yeah, we never hear who that is. Yeah, i don't know she's like a missing person, or she was his wife, or she was...
01:15:07
Speaker
A girl who's fucking on the side. Yeah, it's fuck the fucking hooker that ran away from him. Yeah, his fucking piece.
Absurd Plot Elements
01:15:14
Speaker
um And she got fucking bows stuck in her eyes. or what are the What are these things called?
01:15:19
Speaker
Bows? They're like Christmas ornaments, aren't they? I don't know what they are. it looks like the thing you put on top of a fucking generic Christmas gift. Oh, a bow? Oh, what I said? no just Oh, excuse me. I don't think they were bows. I think they were like spiky ornaments.
01:15:35
Speaker
Um, and we see, ah the mean one behind her. i will say this gave me it vibes. The way this was like this one little scene was shot where it's like, she's just like standing there like his face is just behind her. Like, you know, you it a little bit.
01:15:53
Speaker
They didn't give David enough. Like, ja bring the time do yeah. Yeah. We love you, David. Um, Then he Hooper tells Burke that you know he knows that this to keep this monster at bay, tried to feed it animals like goats.
01:16:13
Speaker
He tried to feed it goats. Stay away. Stay away, eat the goat. Drink the goat milk. I like doing Indian accents. I might start doing African accents.
01:16:25
Speaker
And then because the, he's like, oh, he had a change in taste. He likes men. Instead of town, just put the call center with all the fucking dirt. It's close to a gut. It's an Indian person.
01:16:40
Speaker
Please attack the AT&T center.
01:16:47
Speaker
Yeah.
01:16:58
Speaker
i'm going to start working at demole
01:17:03
Speaker
yeah um Burke calls him a liar because
Santa's Plea and Monster Plans
01:17:08
Speaker
obviously he just den denied this guy even exists for all this time. And he did. And he gaslighted ah Cindy into thinking she was crazy.
01:17:17
Speaker
And Burke says he's going to go hunting for it. And ah he's like, well, why are you going? He's like, well, Cindy went up there, so I'm going to go too. But guess what? Cindy hasn't gone up there yet. She hasn't gone up there at all.
01:17:29
Speaker
Yeah. So he leaves and Santa's like, yo, you got to go after him, bro. You got to help your boy out. um And Hooper decides to free Santa from his cell. We cut to Cindy who hears rumblings in her house.
01:17:43
Speaker
And she does like this fucking really gay ass forward roll ninja style thing. Yeah. What the fuck is this? Like, and then, and then it just cuts and she just outside. She's by a window upstairs and then just does a forward roll and then it cuts and then she's outside. Trying to do like some like fucking like super secret agent thing. Yeah, and it was did not work.
01:18:04
Speaker
um And Doc got caught in one of her traps. Yeah, bear trap.
01:18:12
Speaker
But it's one of those drawings that it was like you step in the rope and it yeets you up. Oh, yeah. Like in Shrek. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doc tells Cindy that Burke is in the mountains.
01:18:25
Speaker
So we cut to Burke, who's in the mountains, and he starts singing Christmas songs. This was funny because he's a Jew. he doesn't know of the Christmas songs because he's Jew. So then he starts singing Dreidel, Dreidel, and bro, have you ever tried to spell the word dreidel? I mean, talk about a fucking piece of work. So I would think. How do you think you spell dreidel?
01:18:44
Speaker
D-R-E-I. Not that much. Yeah. Yeah. D-E-L? Yeah, how'd you get first shot? Really? Yeah, I thought you spelled it. What the fuck did you think it was?
01:18:55
Speaker
I don't know, but I read it on the subtitles. I thought spelled dreidel? but i don't know. Just sound it out. Go back to, like, first grade. Sound it out.
Dreidel Spelling Banter
01:19:03
Speaker
Yeah, see, well, if you sound it out, it's like D-R-A-Y, to be honest.
01:19:07
Speaker
That's a dreidel. Dreidel. That's butt plug, not dreidel. That's my butt plug, not a dreidel.
01:19:18
Speaker
But you can still fucking spin it. Yeah. You can spin on it. Spin on it. Oh, ew. You can spin on your mic? I spit on my... Your pop mic. My pop mic.
01:19:30
Speaker
your pop mike my pop mic um Burke steps on a a bear trap and gets his foot caught. So guess what? The mean one has traps too. And he's in a cave. An Al-Qaeda cave. Yeah, he he is Osam.
01:19:46
Speaker
ah Osam. Right. And then the Grinch walks He's like, As-salamu alamu alaykum. don't know. Cut that. ah He says, Durka Durka?
01:19:57
Speaker
Muhammad Jihad? He's like... Yeah, fucking Grinch walks. He's like, I don't have any guts. f Please don't eat me. Don't fuck me. I'm not a goat. I'm not a goat.
01:20:11
Speaker
I cannot give you any milk. I have not bathed in four months. Do not touch me.
01:20:18
Speaker
I rub myself in shit. I use my finger to wipe my asshole. You do not have toilet paper. um so Don't eat the fish, it's soaking in the sun! Don't eat the fish, we don't leave it in the cold temperature, it's already warm!
01:20:36
Speaker
Pre-cooked, pre-cooked! We cook the fish on the pavement! Why did I say pavement? don't have pavement, we have dirt!
01:20:48
Speaker
Everything is just dirt!
01:20:54
Speaker
We have dirt and we have shit.
01:20:59
Speaker
No food. No food. We have dirt and shit. It's kind of like Africa, right? I have the red dot on my head. All right. but No, it's not a laser beam!
01:21:12
Speaker
Get down! people what is he What is that guy's name? Cyborg? Cyclops? The guy that has the bar in X-Men? Cyclops, yeah. Yeah, Cyclops?
01:21:26
Speaker
Wait, so sign up what's the thing that has one eye called? Cyclops. Also Cyclops? Yeah. Okay.
01:21:35
Speaker
So anyways, he's stuck in this fucking bear trap, and... ah Cooper shows up. Whoa. Magic. He frees Burke from the bear trap and he goes in to fight the mean one like a sacrificial goat.
01:21:52
Speaker
Get it? Yeah. ah And Cindy shows up soon after to help carry Burke out of the bear trap. We watch the mean one kill Hooper. didn't Not worth talking about.
01:22:03
Speaker
As they're bringing Burke back to the car, they see a piece of Hooper's arm. um And then they have some conversation about like if we don't fight him, it's going to go on for years and years and years.
01:22:16
Speaker
And then we just cut and Cindy's at her house again. So not in the mountains. She's the mountains for like three seconds. We should probably kill him because we don't need a sequel.
01:22:28
Speaker
I cannot lose any more guts. Who's going to work in the AT&T Center?
01:22:40
Speaker
The elephant god is not protecting us from this green monster. star He's taking on our gods. Wait, i why did you buy me ATT gift card? I work at ATT.
01:22:52
Speaker
I get ATT discount. all right. I'd expect the nah mean one to turn into a fucking Indian. yeah I don't know. It's interesting. ah Anyway, she plugs in her Christmas lights.
01:23:06
Speaker
And, uh, obviously it gets the Grinch's attention. He enters through her fireplace, not her pussy. Um... Imagine he's just fucking shapeshifter. Like, he plants himself in her vagina.
01:23:20
Speaker
Yeah, but he's gotta fucking... Gotta shake off that fucking cooter cover, you know what i mean? Well, yeah, you I know for a fact you do. yeah Um... And then Cindy's like fake asleep on the couch and he goes to like, I don't know, groper. Like what do well this is he going to kill her? There's no way he was looking to kill her right now. Right. And then Santa's perched outside, start shooting him through the window.
01:23:41
Speaker
And then Cindy pulls out a cotton candy cane shotgun. There you go. And he vanishes. We see Santa get attacked outside by the Grinch.
01:23:54
Speaker
And Cindy tries to help him, but the Grinch runs off. She shoots one shot out of this shotgun and she's out. We're out. We've moved on to a candy cane pistol. I mean, hey, she doesn't want to reload, you know? Fuck that. But hey, the good news is the movie's almost over. Thank God, yeah.
Bizarre Final Confrontation
01:24:11
Speaker
um And then ah the Grinch tries to attack and she shoots him and he gets his foot stuck in a bear trap. And then what happened here? He like flung it off his foot. He kicked her with it. Yeah.
01:24:25
Speaker
He's like slashed her stomach too. So she runs away and throws an ornament grenade. Grenada. And yeah I don't know. She ends up back in her house and this grenade didn't kill the mean one.
01:24:40
Speaker
Right. um And then she's just inside her house and the Grinch proceeds to beat the shit out of her some more. And then Santa starts blaring Christmas music through the speakers of the cop car they have.
01:24:52
Speaker
I guess it works. Yeah. or You get big mad. You get big meh. And then Cindy blows up her Christmas tree in the house. And she's trying to sell.
01:25:04
Speaker
Right. Blows up the tree in the house. And then the next scene is the camera panning across the front of the house, which is completely fine. Then we go back inside the house. House completely fine.
01:25:17
Speaker
um And she's on top of about to ride his fucking cock. Yeah, he's fuck give me that fucking Grinch. Yeah, I mean, how much hair do you think he has down there? like He probably has crazy shaft hair.
01:25:29
Speaker
Oh, you can't see it. Like, you gotta peel layers. Like an ogre. Yeah. The Innocents have layers. Layers.
01:25:42
Speaker
Sorry, i was gonna go back on a goat tangent again. Okay. So she he's wearing the necklace that she gave him. And she's like, you kept it? It's like, this piece of shit? You kept this?
01:25:54
Speaker
um And then they tried to flashback to, like, I guess the goal was to show that the Grinch felt some kind of remorse for killing her mom. It didn't work. But why would It's fucking stupid.
01:26:07
Speaker
We cut back to the present and she touches his face and she gives a little kiss. I want to hello i want to fuck you, Mr. Grinch. Thank you for stop eating my guts. Thank you for stop attacking my ATT Santa. Can I shave off some of your hair, sir? I can use it on toilet paper. Dude, they started shaving off on their own hair for fucking toilet paper. Yeah. They need to be big.
01:26:35
Speaker
Yeah. ah So he explodes. His heart explodes from inside of him, which like we get it. But then they grow bigger then they go on to explicitly tell us that in about five minutes, which is like, yeah, we know.
01:26:52
Speaker
We know the story of the Grinch. Yeah. So then we cut to Burke and Cindy, who are still in the same house together. Still trying to sell it.
01:27:03
Speaker
Watching the news and Mean One Mania has taken over. It's going wild. So essentially this photo that she took went viral, which how? um And ah Newville's able to celebrate Christmas. Burke's the sheriff. They're a couple.
01:27:22
Speaker
yada. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's the end of the movie. God bless. bless.
01:27:31
Speaker
It's as low as a score as you can go. This is going to be... I mean, I did not rate The Human Centipede to a half star. So this is going to be the first time we both read a movie a half star on this podcast.
01:27:45
Speaker
Yeah. I'm trying to think. like I don't think we have anything else lined up that's going to be... All right, here's the thing, right? Clash the Titans, which we canceled. Is it work? It has to be better than this movie, no?
01:27:58
Speaker
Yes. Which is boring. Yeah, it's just boring. Yeah. Oh, he's fucking trash. Now, there is a movie um called The Mousetrap.
01:28:09
Speaker
Yeah. It's... It was the first horror movie with Mickey that I saw. And I thought that was the worst movie of all time. and i And I gave a star and a half.
01:28:23
Speaker
So I kind of fuck with that movie. If you think a movie is the worst movie of all time, half star is the answer. Yeah. So maybe I kind of like that movie. And that movie is arguably on the same level of bad as this.
01:28:36
Speaker
have you Have you given any movies a half star yet? Have you rated any movies a half star? That we've reviewed? In general. Oh, Human Centipede 2. I have 4, 8, 12, 16, 20.
01:28:48
Speaker
I got 20 movies I give a half star. 20. 20.
01:28:53
Speaker
i got twenty movies they give a halft star twenty Ready for this? I'm rattle off real quick. Go for it. One, I've already ranted about enough in this podcast, The Purge. We can go listen to any episode that Ethan Hawke comes up in.
01:29:07
Speaker
um This Disney movie i had to watch with my cousin, The Descendants. from It was on Disney Plus when I visited my cousin. It's actually my cousin, the slut's daughter, put it on. And I hate to break it to you, cousin. We sucks.
01:29:22
Speaker
Give it a half star. ah Human Centipede 1. Give a half star. Halloween, The Curse of Michael Myers. Half star. It's also a 90 minute film I struggle to get through.
01:29:34
Speaker
Next one we got Teeth. Or as the non-means call it, Teeth. Teeth. so um Next we got The Last House on the Left. The OG. Wes Craven.
01:29:45
Speaker
Give that a half. Jaws 3D. Half. Oh, okay. Earwig and the Witch. Half. The DVD, I talked about this on either the Harry Potter episode with Tyler with Jake.
01:30:02
Speaker
Movie's fucking terrible. Hellboy the Crooked Man. I bought a DVD copy to watch it. Trash. ah Next one, no surprise anybody. It's called The Greasy Strangler. Ew.
01:30:13
Speaker
Half-star movie. ah The Seventh Son. Saw this on a date with a girl at one point. This is high school. This movie came out when? 2014? This is the high school era. I still think this is one of the worst movies I've ever watched in my life.
01:30:27
Speaker
The Ginger Dead Man, as I mentioned. A movie you were looking for that I bought and happened to watch? Frogs? it's a halftar It's a half-star movie. The movie's fucking terrible.
01:30:41
Speaker
um Basket Case 3, without question. i mean Yeah, sure. yeah a Hulu-made movie called The Ledge? If you want to get your harm Hallmark Thriller type beat, watch The Ledge. It's fucking terrible.
01:30:56
Speaker
ah What else we got here? We got Ginger Deadman vs. The Evil Bomb. Half star movie. And last but not least, The Barn. Which I believe we watched together.
01:31:07
Speaker
Yeah. my Those are my half stars. So I only have five. I have The Barn as well. Watch that together. I feel like if we re-watch it, it's going to be better than this.
01:31:21
Speaker
It probably won't leave the half star ranking though. Right. But in your head, you're like, yeah, it's better than mean one. Sure. Uh, the gallows. Right. We've, uh, several times ranted, but that movie, human centipede too, which now looking back might get bumped up.
01:31:37
Speaker
It's a one for me. Yeah. Uh, wish that Disney movie that came out in like 2023. Yeah. and um Half-star to Cannibal Holocaust.
01:31:52
Speaker
I didn't rate it, but I would give it a half-star. Yeah. Right? i agree. um That might be the only movie that I hate on just because they kill animals.
01:32:04
Speaker
Also, speaking of hating on movies, I just want to piss everybody else off. The next movie after my last half-star, like, starts with one-star segment is Suspiria. Just fuck all fuck you people like Suspiria. We sucks.
01:32:17
Speaker
Yeah, so those are all the half stars I have, and this is going to be added to the collection. For some reason, on my first watch, I gave it a one. It's getting a half now. Getting slapped with that half star. Yeah, this is I think maybe I was thinking got respect the commitment to the bit.
01:32:33
Speaker
No. I can't even respect that. At least Screamboat was, like, funny. Sure, it had it was like it was its moments. yeah Screamboat's a one and a half on my book.
01:32:46
Speaker
What? I'm pretty sure I rated Screamboat one and a half. Yeah, we said that this episode. We both rated it one and a half. Yeah. This is a half star for sure, though. Also, you are now the only other person that I follow on Letterboxd actually watch this movie besides me.
01:33:01
Speaker
No one else. It's on. Steelbook wants to watch it. Jake Boston. Yeah. I mean, no one else has reviewed it or even rated it while i was watching this at the very beginning, I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get the steel book of this.
01:33:15
Speaker
Now I don't want to own this, you know, like I like having it. think it's cool that I have it. I don't want to start a collection of like really bad movies, but I just love David Howard Thornton.
01:33:27
Speaker
Sure. Sure. and like the same, if the screen book comes out, I'm going to buy it. It's out on, it's out physically, but I don't think a steel. I want to go Bull Moose, but I have plants tonight and I can't, don't have time.
01:33:38
Speaker
Hmm. Well, anyways, should we do a plug it in? Yeah. Plug it in, plug it in. So follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com. Send us photos of your goats. Yeah, please. Don't shave them. I like hairy goat. We want to see your goats.
01:34:02
Speaker
Follow us on YouTube, TikTok. Follow us individually on Letterboxd. Send us a voicemail, 508-8-5-2-5.
01:34:10
Speaker
I wait, eight dip tip, six minute limit, 12 person maximum. And then go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it? Available on the same page.
01:34:22
Speaker
Listen to it, you fucking dickhead. Dighead, dighead, cockhead, ballhead. Yeah, me. All right, well, fucked up. and I didn't look into this beforehand, but if you're listening to this on the day it releases, that means it's December 9th. That's two months from today.
01:34:38
Speaker
um which is a Tuesday. So means Friday you are going to be getting an episode on a movie that I'm kind of excited for you to watch and will for sure be better than this movie.
01:34:49
Speaker
A movie called Fat Man starring Mel Gibson and Walton Goggins. I mean, it's good. i have enjoy it. I have the Blu-ray right over there. Sealed. I will be opening it.
01:34:59
Speaker
I just want to say to anyone who hasn't watched this film and you that ah if you can just look past how fucking silly the plot is, it's a good movie.
01:35:13
Speaker
Okay. They commit. mean, it's got to go than this. They still commit. ah The blood is not CGI. So it's like, you know, we're chilling. It's like John Wick, but with Santa Claus.
01:35:26
Speaker
don't get Don't compare it John Wick, but yeah. No, i I just compare every action movie now to John Wick because they're all shot trying to be John Wick. That's a fact. um And then a week from today, you're getting episode on the actual movie, ah The Grinch, How the Grinch Stole Crip with Jim Carrey, an actual scene by scene of a good film.
01:35:48
Speaker
Good. Well, I'm hoping it holds up. I'm really hoping. i feel like it will. I haven't watched it years. got be at least a two and a half. Whoa. um ra I was like, gotta be three.
01:36:02
Speaker
Minimum. I think positive rating. I mean, it could be nostalgia. You're right. No, you're right. You're right. Um, I did not expect us to do an hour and 40 minutes on this movie, but we did.
01:36:13
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And um that's all I have to say. We'll see you guys on Friday. Toodles. Mark, going stick a candy cane up your ass. And then lick it.
01:36:27
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going suck it real hard. Goodbye.