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Swipe Right for Friends: The Quest for a BFF in Adulthood
72 Plays6 months ago
Welcome to episode 6 of the You Can Call Me Karen Podcast! This is the 3rd and final episode in our Friendship series. This week we dive into the challenges of making new friends as an adult. Loneliness, isolation, social anxiety, and fear of rejection can be obstacles to creating meaningful connections and navigating new social circles. Listen in as we discuss the difficulties of being vulnerable enough to initiate plans or join community groups in hopes of expanding our network and creating a support system as adults.
As always - a big thank you to Steve Olszewski for the art and images, Calid B and SJ Fadeaway for the musical mixings, and huge credit to Malvina Reynolds (writer) and Schroder Music Co. (ASCAP) (publisher) of the song “Little Boxes”.
Links to sources referenced in this episode:
- The Worst Friend Date I Ever Had
- @thejaysalazar_ on Instagram
Lastly, please follow us on Instagram (@youcancallmekaren), TikTok (@YCCMKPod), and like/subscribe wherever you get your podcasts!
Recommended
Transcript
00:00:01
Mannikka Rosa
Make
Challenges of Forming Genuine Friendships
00:00:01
Mannikka Rosa
friends. We roll this phrase off the tongue so freely as if it's a statement being mailed at the end of the month. This bill we have declared to come so easy gives me queasiness in my chest. And when I rest my head upon my pillow at night, I fight the urge to combust into particles and dust because I must make something out of similarities and exchanges that feel forced and dangerous to explore. I don't want trends in likes and hearts but friends with heart who like street art and hip hop from gangster rappers with money chains.
00:00:35
Mannikka Rosa
ones who make strange remarks about little details, setting them apart from normal people, equal opportunity to engage and banter that is self-deprecating, debating politics, but only if you've left me changed for the better. Singing at the top of our lungs for fun at a stoplight, tight jeans getting unbuttoned at the seams when we eat extremes, amount of bread, laughing our heads off in tears, strolling down our face while we embrace the fears ahead, sitting in bed saying, uh, no, you need to wear this instead. How do I make friends like that in this habitat?
Podcast Introduction and Friendship Series Reflection
00:01:41
Mannikka Rosa
Hello and welcome to the You Can Call Me Karen podcast where we will discuss events and experiences from the world around us in an effort to highlight our similarities rather than our differences. I'm Manika Rosa and I am joined by two of my dearest friends Stephanie J and Karen
00:01:56
karenstansfield
Oh.
00:02:01
Mannikka Rosa
a
00:02:07
Mannikka Rosa
ah
00:02:07
karenstansfield
oh
00:02:08
Mannikka Rosa
We are wrapping up our friendship series this week, which I am sad to do, but excited about our discussion for today. really This series has really made me think deeply about my closest relationships and how I value them more than I actually realize.
00:02:21
Stephanie Jay
Hey,
00:02:24
Mannikka Rosa
So I'm excited to jump into our convo, but you know what we got to do before we get into the mix?
00:02:27
Stephanie Jay
hey.
00:02:29
Mannikka Rosa
Let's check in with my co-host and see how they are doing today and hear their latest, who you calling Karen, stories. Steph, hello,
Cultural Dynamics in Family Life
00:02:39
Mannikka Rosa
how are you? Tell us, who you calling Karen this week?
00:02:41
Stephanie Jay
help Well, hello. um So first of all, I just, when he said, um I just wanted to share a funny story because um my, I'm Jamaican and my husband is Polish. And so, and he was, we were talking, we were talking to our daughter, my husband was like, Quinn, Jamaican, something, do, doo do, do, do, do, do.
00:02:56
karenstansfield
Obviously.
00:03:08
karenstansfield
but
00:03:11
Stephanie Jay
I was like, honey, it's not that. That's not how it goes. And he was like, you know, the horror, like the Jamaican horror, I know what you were trying to do, but it's not that. but so
00:03:23
karenstansfield
um
00:03:24
Stephanie Jay
um he's Anyway, love you boo. I love you boo.
00:03:29
Mannikka Rosa
That is amazing. I know what you were trying to do.
00:03:33
Stephanie Jay
I understand where you were headed with that.
00:03:38
Stephanie Jay
So, um,
00:03:38
karenstansfield
I feel like I can just totally picture it.
00:03:41
Stephanie Jay
thank
00:03:41
Mannikka Rosa
same.
00:03:43
karenstansfield
um
00:03:43
Stephanie Jay
Um, so I, my Karen story is, um, it's a, another, it's a Karen adjacent story.
Entitlement and Empathy in Social Interactions
00:03:51
Stephanie Jay
Again, like I was not personally involved, but I was chatting with my coworker. Um, she deals with all of the. emails and communications with parents and god bless her like i don't know how she does this um day in a day out and um we were chatting and she said man i just got beat up really hard by one of the parents um complaining because there was a change in the schedule and this it was posted in all the appropriate places but the mom missed it
00:04:26
Stephanie Jay
um and lit her up via email saying that if the if the schedule is changed, here is how I expect it to be communicated. And she said it like that via email. And already email is up for interpretation.
00:04:40
karenstansfield
Hmm.
00:04:43
Stephanie Jay
So when you're, you know, um so and you and if it's a complaint even if it was written nicely you're already going to feel a little defensive but she was it wasn't written nicely and um and basically she was like she was like she wants it in flashing lights like we're supposed to <unk> like tailor our communication to her because she has so much on her plate but as if like we don't have a lot on ours and um
00:04:50
karenstansfield
Hmm.
00:05:10
Stephanie Jay
I just, I just felt like it just made me mad um because things change all the time. And how are we supposed to communicate? Like, anyway, I, that was a very caring thing to do. And I feel like sometimes, you know, not sometimes, especially the parents that we're dealing with are Oh, there are a lot of Karens. There are a lot of Karens that have their children come to our student studio.
00:05:31
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:05:35
karenstansfield
Mm
00:05:37
Stephanie Jay
and And I'm not saying that disrespectfully. There's just a lot of them who feel entitled.
00:05:39
karenstansfield
hmm.
00:05:42
Stephanie Jay
They feel like we owe them and they come crazy and they forget that there's a human being behind the email. There's a human being who reads the email and has to make next up decisions.
00:05:53
karenstansfield
Mm
00:05:54
Stephanie Jay
And it's just upsetting. It makes me mad.
00:05:58
karenstansfield
hmm.
Navigating Shared Spaces and 'Karen' Behavior
00:05:59
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, I think you know what I'm like sensing from these Karen stories is that there there's just this loss of understanding for how to exist in collaborative spaces.
00:06:04
Stephanie Jay
but Okay.
00:06:14
Mannikka Rosa
you know like And I think that when we defined Karen in our first episodes, we talked about the entitlement.
00:06:15
karenstansfield
yeah
00:06:20
Mannikka Rosa
And it's not it's that it's it's the entitlement in the sense that like other people, we have these things so that everybody can have a shared experience, right?
00:06:32
karenstansfield
Mm hmm.
00:06:34
Mannikka Rosa
And so when you come into these like so guns blazing just because it doesn't match your needs, it really is unfortunate and disappointing, like you said, because there's several other students who are also participating at this thing.
00:06:34
Stephanie Jay
Okay.
00:06:48
Mannikka Rosa
It's not just you, you know? And so um just that lack of consideration for the shared space is like what I'm sensing about like what
00:06:50
karenstansfield
who
00:06:54
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:06:56
Mannikka Rosa
kind of is the unfortunate thing about society right now.
00:06:59
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:07:02
karenstansfield
Yeah, it's like we're we're um maximizing our individualistic culture. Like everything needs to serve me individually.
00:07:02
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:07:08
Mannikka Rosa
aa
00:07:10
Stephanie Jay
Me personally. Yeah.
00:07:12
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:07:13
karenstansfield
And, and the reality is we operate in a lot of common spaces and need to do more for the, you know, like the whole, as opposed to the individual. And, but nobody, it's like, I'm going to harp on social media again, but you know, it's like this instant gratification. Everything has to be tailored for me. I have a platform.
00:07:13
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:07:35
karenstansfield
It's like just frustrating.
00:07:35
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:07:35
Mannikka Rosa
right
00:07:38
karenstansfield
Um, So on that note, my Karen, your topic there, Steph, made me think about actually ah ah a moment that I had yesterday. battling
Parental Dilemmas in Educational Settings
00:07:55
karenstansfield
my own inner Karen. So we're going through this process in school, ah my son's school, to make sure he has what he needs to be successful um just you know in the classroom.
00:07:59
Mannikka Rosa
Right?
00:08:05
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:08:11
karenstansfield
And I reached out to the school um to see if we can set up some time to make sure he has like the right plans for this year. And um the principal responded immediately. Gosh, his principal is amazing. I'm not going to call him out by name, but I maybe will with his permission in the future.
00:08:25
Stephanie Jay
Hmm.
00:08:30
karenstansfield
But he's absolutely fantastic. He responded. It's still summer, by the way. He responded within I think 20 minutes of me submitting just a form email on their website. So like fantastic.
00:08:44
karenstansfield
And just basically explained like, okay, once the school year starts, this is what you're going to do. This is the point of contact. You're all set. You know, we're excited to see you. And that was great. And I was, I was responding to say thank you for the very quick response. And there is this thing that I've been toiling with ah because one of my son's best friends at school ah And he and my son tend to be quite distracting to others.
00:08:44
Mannikka Rosa
Mm
00:09:08
Mannikka Rosa
hmm.
00:09:13
karenstansfield
They like feed on each other. My son is high energy. He has a hard time paying attention. He's very young. And um and this other boy like seems of like similar level of energy. And so when you put them in a classroom together, it is very challenging for both of them and I'm sure for the teacher. And so I have been debating how to ask kindly to put them in separate classrooms.
00:09:36
Stephanie Jay
Mm
00:09:39
Mannikka Rosa
Mm.
00:09:39
karenstansfield
And so I started to type this email and say, thank you, you know, principal, like for your quick response.
00:09:40
Stephanie Jay
hmm.
00:09:45
karenstansfield
Oh, by the way, can you please separate these boys?
00:09:47
Mannikka Rosa
Mm.
00:09:49
karenstansfield
And to your point about like the tone and how people interpret emails, I like couldn't find a way to write it that I thought would be received ah appropriately. And so now, so I didn't send it, I deleted it.
00:10:02
Stephanie Jay
Oh.
00:10:03
karenstansfield
I fought my inner Karen urges. um And I didn't send this email, but I don't really know how to handle this. Like, I do want to position not only my son, but you know, his friend for success. And I think, at least for the next couple of years, being in separate classrooms would benefit them. um ah As much as that would pain my son, you know, to be away from his best friend, but Anyways, I don't know how to handle this. It's like, I'm, I feel like I need to say it, but then as soon as I say it, I'm going to feel like the world's biggest Karen.
00:10:35
Mannikka Rosa
Mm-hmm.
00:10:36
karenstansfield
So I don't know. Anyways, that's my, um, my inner Karen battle this week.
00:10:39
Stephanie Jay
Say it. Say it. You gotta say it. You gotta ask. is better
00:10:44
karenstansfield
Say it. Okay.
00:10:45
Stephanie Jay
yeah they It's better to do it now, too, once like before the rosters have been set. i would i would like You're right. like It's better for both of the kids um if they are a distraction. i I've gotten the email before where I said, hey, this they weren't being asked to be separated like out of the different classes, but just don't sit them by each other. And just knowing those kind of things ahead of time, um it can be rectified if they are the same class.
00:11:10
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm. Okay.
00:11:16
Stephanie Jay
um two. So like, if they happen to be in the same classes, you don't know if they're going to be, you could just let the teacher know that they need to be separated. And then they can mitigate it that way too.
00:11:25
karenstansfield
Okay.
00:11:27
Stephanie Jay
But if it's better, if they're just not even in the same class before any rosters are set, you can do it that way.
00:11:27
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:11:32
Stephanie Jay
But you disagree.
00:11:33
karenstansfield
So what's like a good way to...
00:11:33
Mannikka Rosa
So I slightly disagree with Steph. I slightly disagree with sending the email um because we're
00:11:39
Stephanie Jay
Okay. Mm hmm.
00:11:45
Mannikka Rosa
I see this a lot, but if everybody's request was granted, then how do we do that?
00:11:49
Stephanie Jay
Mm, good point.
00:11:49
karenstansfield
yeah
00:11:52
Mannikka Rosa
um So I've seen this happen in this kind of really hurt classrooms in my community, specifically um the second and third grade classrooms where classes were stacked because parent request to not be with quote unquote certain students left an unbalance.
00:12:04
Stephanie Jay
Mm.
00:12:11
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:12:12
Mannikka Rosa
And I think we talk about natural
00:12:13
Stephanie Jay
Mm.
00:12:14
karenstansfield
Hmm.
00:12:14
Mannikka Rosa
like rhythm, and they're are going into first grade, so I would just be curious about that natural rhythm, especially since you are getting um supports put in this year, to let that be the, yeah, before intervening in the process.
00:12:26
karenstansfield
and who
00:12:29
karenstansfield
Let that play out a little bit.
00:12:31
Stephanie Jay
a hmm you right girl you right i just
00:12:36
Mannikka Rosa
Sorry.
00:12:37
karenstansfield
You guys, we just make each other better.
00:12:37
Mannikka Rosa
And this is only,
00:12:39
Stephanie Jay
you're right i i guess i'm just so like used to just we've literally been over backwards for anybody in my district and but when you talked about the classes that are stacked because of you know so much movement you're absolutely right um but that happens because i i've been on the receiving end of that where my like my whole team is just stacked with like um you know and so you know i forget about that and i'm i'm usually just in a position where i just have to like
00:12:39
Mannikka Rosa
and
00:12:48
Mannikka Rosa
Mm hmm.
00:12:58
karenstansfield
Bye.
00:13:09
Stephanie Jay
deal with how stacked with behaviors my room is and just live with it and um So anyway, sometimes letting the natural Mm-hmm
00:13:16
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, it reminds me step of what you, sorry to interrupt, it reminds me of what you were talking about last podcast with your dance teacher and how much goes into um formulating, right?
00:13:29
karenstansfield
Mmhmm.
00:13:31
Mannikka Rosa
and And I think it just is for me personally as like an educator, the um the autonomy of like my craft and my knowing, like I want to,
00:13:42
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:13:44
Mannikka Rosa
be able to figure out this matrix um because I'm an expert and I respect parents' opinions.
00:13:46
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:13:51
Mannikka Rosa
So I like the idea and the suggestion of should something pop off
00:13:53
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
00:13:56
Mannikka Rosa
um of having a conversation of could we potentially look at separating them um so they don't sit next to each other or have other strategies for that. um But I like to give educators the benefit of the doubt that they have talked about this and had conversation and for that there has been some sort of consideration um and to not knock them off or throw them off of their game.
00:14:08
Stephanie Jay
here
00:14:13
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:14:22
Mannikka Rosa
um
00:14:22
Stephanie Jay
i And I guess give the kids a chance to rise, like maybe they, you know, a summer, um you know, kids come back a little more mature, like things can change um over time.
00:14:25
Mannikka Rosa
Give the kids a chance to. Yeah.
00:14:27
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:14:30
Mannikka Rosa
Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah
00:14:37
Stephanie Jay
That's a good point, man. I'm so reactionary. like I'm spending too much time i'm sitting too much time with people who demand a lot of us and we literally just like, okay, whatever you want.
00:14:47
karenstansfield
I, this is why I love these conversations because you both have given me different perspectives that are both helpful. And I didn't honestly know what to do in that moment. So, um, I really appreciate y'all. It was very helpful.
00:15:02
Mannikka Rosa
I think that the point, I think though, to bring it all back to the who you call and caring, you did know what to do. And I read this quote, it's been passed around as a gift or whatever. I don't know a meme, but maturity is deleting the text and typing back. Okay.
00:15:18
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:15:18
karenstansfield
Yes,
Mindful Communication and Avoiding 'Karen' Behavior
00:15:19
Mannikka Rosa
Right? It's deleting the whole thing and typing back. Okay.
00:15:20
karenstansfield
and that's almost literally what I did.
00:15:22
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:15:22
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:15:23
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, so I loved that point in the story where like you had the insight to pause.
00:15:23
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:15:28
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:15:31
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm.
00:15:32
Mannikka Rosa
That's what didn't make you a Karen in that situation.
00:15:34
Stephanie Jay
You not the Karen girl.
00:15:35
karenstansfield
Yeah, but I think it is important to realize like we all have an inner Karen.
00:15:35
Mannikka Rosa
you
00:15:36
Stephanie Jay
You not the Karen.
00:15:40
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:15:40
Mannikka Rosa
Yes.
00:15:41
karenstansfield
I also have an outer Karen because that is my unfortunate name. um but but it's okay to like check that, you know, and like take a moment.
00:15:51
Stephanie Jay
Hmm.
00:15:53
karenstansfield
i i I'm going to let you get onto the topic, but like I always think back to, um, I am very responsive. Like I think on my feet, if somebody says something, I say a response and I have had to train myself over the years, like in work, for example, if somebody would send an email, I'd fire an email right back as soon as I got it. Like that's, that's just how my brain works. Um, and over the years I've trained myself to like, uh, take, take a moment. If I read something and it triggers me in any way, uh, any kind of emotional reaction, I don't, I know like that's my role.
00:16:29
karenstansfield
You will reread it later and you will respond later when you're out of that head space.
00:16:33
Mannikka Rosa
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
00:16:34
karenstansfield
And so. You know, it's nice to see that I've got that in place. um And I did that without realizing I was doing it last night.
00:16:39
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:16:42
karenstansfield
um But I do think that's important for all of us, because I think it's that immediate brash reaction that brings out our Karens. And if we can just pause and breathe, some of that might be avoided. So anyways, maybe a good time to shift into our topic for the day.
00:17:00
Mannikka Rosa
No, I love that. That's a great segue. um So okay, so this has been a wonderful conversation. um This is our friendship series, our first ever series on the pod and um We are at episode three, our final episode or topic. And we hope that it has inspired our listeners to think about the energy and the sacrifices that you make in your lives to nurture and foster um these very important relationships. We've talked about old friendships and we last podcast talked about friendship breakups. And I personally, as I was
00:17:38
Mannikka Rosa
researching for this topic, it occurred to me that it's a combination of these two life experiences that dictate how we approach new friendships in
Struggles with Forming Connections in New Environments
00:17:46
Mannikka Rosa
adulthood. So with that, let's get started.
00:18:01
Mannikka Rosa
Okay, so I think where I want to start off today is how I introduce the podcast and the poem that I read, if that's okay with y'all.
00:18:11
karenstansfield
It's not, it's not okay.
00:18:13
Mannikka Rosa
Oh, okay, fine. well um bright in
00:18:19
Mannikka Rosa
um There she is. No. ah Okay.
00:18:22
karenstansfield
I couldn't resist.
00:18:23
Mannikka Rosa
me um To give it a little bit of context though, I wrote that poem when I was doing the poem a day in April in 2023. It's kind of like a thing that poets, I guess, started doing where you write a poem a day and um you just like get into the use, the rhythm of like writing a poem. ah Anyway, I um
00:18:47
karenstansfield
but You are so talented, by the way. I just need to say that out loud.
00:18:49
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm. Calm was beautiful.
00:18:52
Mannikka Rosa
Oh, I appreciate that.
00:18:52
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm.
00:18:53
Mannikka Rosa
Thank you. Thank you. um Well, let's just end the podcast there.
00:18:57
karenstansfield
OK. Bye-bye.
00:18:59
Stephanie Jay
it
00:19:00
karenstansfield
New friendships. Everybody go get them.
00:19:05
Mannikka Rosa
But um I was feeling alienated in this new community, because I had moved in 2020. And I was surprised at this feeling, because I'd lived there for almost three years. And um I thought, when I moved, like oh, it's going to be so easy for me to make friends. like I got this. like you know And um I wasn't really intimately connecting with people. and um it was that poem that made me realize like, what it why is it so difficult to make friends when you get older? And um it wasn't until our recent conversations on this podcast that I was able to see with clarity that I have some boundaries that I place.
00:19:43
karenstansfield
Yeah. Yeah.
00:19:43
Mannikka Rosa
And I think Steph, you talked about this in my last podcast, you know, um that I have this orbit um and I don't easily let people into my personal space.
00:19:55
Mannikka Rosa
And um even though I, you know, have publicly share on this podcast platform. I perform spoken word poetry. um I'm a teacher. I'm still very private, ah which that combined with me, I'm also, I don't um go out and I drink, um um I'm sober.
00:20:09
karenstansfield
Mm hmm.
00:20:17
Mannikka Rosa
um I also don't like small talk. So this makes me really inestensible in today's society, right?
00:20:22
Stephanie Jay
okay
00:20:25
Mannikka Rosa
um So um I'm realizing that part of this is due um to heartbreak from the past. You know, our last conversation made me think about like all the wounds that I have from like various heartbreak of friendships. um And it takes a lot of energy to mourn like a breakup, you know.
00:20:43
karenstansfield
Mm
00:20:43
Mannikka Rosa
And being that I have three kids, my energy is like one of my biggest assets.
00:20:49
Stephanie Jay
Thank
00:20:51
Mannikka Rosa
So I protect it.
00:20:53
Stephanie Jay
you.
00:20:53
Mannikka Rosa
And I also am a rationalizer. So in order for me to kind of escape this like fear, I'm like, well, I already have like all these friends from college and I already have these friends from high school. So like, I don't need any more friends, you know?
00:21:11
karenstansfield
-hmm
00:21:11
Stephanie Jay
virginia I say it all the time too.
00:21:13
karenstansfield
um By the way, I say that all the time.
00:21:15
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, I don't need any more friends, right?
00:21:15
karenstansfield
I don't need any more friends. It's work. Yeah, and I want to yeah want to honor the ones that I have.
00:21:21
Mannikka Rosa
Yes, yes. Right, right. And that is just like such a scarcity mindset, right? Like who am I to say that like friendship isn't abundant, that it is unlimited, right? And so what I found during this process is that I was actually like isolating and getting lonelier. And I was not protecting my mental health like I thought I was.
00:21:43
karenstansfield
Hmm.
00:21:46
Mannikka Rosa
I was actually destroying it. um So, particularly because I have kids and I live in this family-oriented community, I was forced into opening up. um But I was, through a lot of therapy and mentorship, I was asked for questioning like how do I do this? What way feels safe? I mean the political climate. I live in a predominantly white area. um My psychological safety felt threatened. um Where can I find people whose interests are aligned with mine or whose interests don't annoy me to the point where I pop off and I like have now a reputation of being whatever you might want to fill in there.
00:22:16
Stephanie Jay
Mm.
00:22:24
karenstansfield
Mm
00:22:28
Mannikka Rosa
So anyway,
Workplace Dynamics and Identifying True Friends
00:22:29
Mannikka Rosa
what I wanted to bring into the podcast today was the question of, um and I think Steph, you started to allude to this last podcast and admittedly I knew this was going to be a topic that I wanted to bring up today. So I kind of like brushed over and didn't get very deep into it when you said it, but um what are some of the red flags that you've experienced when trying to take
00:22:50
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:22:50
karenstansfield
-hmm
00:22:51
Mannikka Rosa
new friends as adults because I think that is like the first layer of this, right? We talked about the ick last time. We talked about the like gossip. That's what you were talking about. You talked about like the gossip as being like a signal of like, hmm, wait a sec, right?
00:23:04
Stephanie Jay
Yes.
00:23:08
Mannikka Rosa
So like, what are some of the red flags that you've experienced and how do you kind of like And I'm thinking of, we we've we shared this Instagram feed with the Jay Salazar, I think is his name, where he's like, I like trans people, you know?
00:23:23
karenstansfield
Oh my gosh.
00:23:27
karenstansfield
He is so his videos are so funny.
00:23:28
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:23:29
Mannikka Rosa
And reactions are amazing.
00:23:30
Stephanie Jay
Hilarious.
00:23:31
Mannikka Rosa
Shout out to him.
00:23:32
karenstansfield
Yes.
00:23:32
Mannikka Rosa
I love him so much. but
00:23:34
karenstansfield
we will link him
00:23:36
karenstansfield
in this episode
00:23:36
Mannikka Rosa
Yes.
00:23:36
Mannikka Rosa
we' only him but How do you test the waters and what happens when you have a red flag or what's your experience in this with them trying to make new friendships?
00:23:37
Stephanie Jay
anyone Yeah.
00:23:44
Mannikka Rosa
Ready, set, go.
00:23:47
Stephanie Jay
Um, yeah, I, um, it's funny. So in addition to being, I know I talk about the studio a lot, but I also am a school teacher and I've taught eighth grade, I've taught sixth grade. And when I first started teaching, I was taught eighth grade. And, um, I mentioned this last episode, like a lot of my coworkers were similar in age.
00:24:01
karenstansfield
We will link him in this episode.
00:24:05
Stephanie Jay
Um, we would eat lunch together and I mean, mostly just sharing stories like about her but our kids. I didn't have kids at the time. I wasn't even engaged or married at the time. and just kind of whatever. And I would just catch where they would talk about people in our building in a negative light.
00:24:22
Mannikka Rosa
Uh
00:24:23
Stephanie Jay
And um I was like, oh, that's a red flag.
00:24:27
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm.
00:24:28
Stephanie Jay
um I would catch where like you know something embarrassing may have happened to somebody and they would retell that story like over and over again and laugh really hard about it.
00:24:34
karenstansfield
Ah.
00:24:38
Stephanie Jay
It's like, oh, and that's a red flag. And I would notice too, like there were like there was a group that they truly were friends. They spent a lot of time with each other outside the outside of school.
00:24:49
Mannikka Rosa
-huh.
00:24:50
Stephanie Jay
And I was never invited to that kind of stuff.
00:24:50
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm.
00:24:55
Stephanie Jay
And so I was, but they would always be like, oh, you're my friend and like, how are you doing? And, you know, like to my face and stuff.
00:25:00
Mannikka Rosa
Mm
00:25:01
Stephanie Jay
And I'm like, okay, but you, you know, I'm single, um, free and you don't invite me to join you on stuff like, um, that you're doing.
00:25:09
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:25:11
Stephanie Jay
Um, so, o you know, um, but when I, um, but I feel like,
00:25:14
karenstansfield
Loud and clear.
00:25:20
Stephanie Jay
I feel like if you if I lacked maturity or lacked, like you know what it is, is I have such good friends.
00:25:20
Mannikka Rosa
hmm.
00:25:28
Stephanie Jay
like I'm constantly comparing new relationships to what I have.
00:25:29
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:25:34
Stephanie Jay
And I'm like, you're not stacking up. like you're not ris You're not rising to the level that you're in.
00:25:36
Mannikka Rosa
yeah
00:25:37
karenstansfield
yeah
00:25:39
Mannikka Rosa
You're not earning that silver medal from the song.
00:25:41
Stephanie Jay
Yeah And so um And but what really put like put the nail on the coffin where I was like, these are not my friends. They are acquaintances. They're my co-workers when I was moved to sixth grade I um It was around the same time as I was getting married and it was they were very nice They did a shower for me. They all like got gifts and
00:26:04
karenstansfield
Ha
00:26:04
Stephanie Jay
for me and it was very sweet it was they did a really nice it was so nice and so i sent a very heartfelt email thanking them for the gifts and i also did a follow-up paragraph saying you know just i've enjoyed working with you i'm moving grades and you know hopefully we can stay in contact and not one person
00:26:08
karenstansfield
ha ha!
00:26:27
Stephanie Jay
wrote me back or pulled me aside and said we're really going to miss you. um like Nobody like reciprocated like the the the heartfelt message that I said about like our time working together. like I learned a lot from you all. like And no one said anything like that back to me.
00:26:43
karenstansfield
I
00:26:43
Mannikka Rosa
Hmm.
00:26:44
Stephanie Jay
And then I was like, you're not even not gonna co-workers.
00:26:47
karenstansfield
don't like you anyway.
00:26:51
Stephanie Jay
I like, though I didn't consider you a close friend, I did consider consider you colleagues. And a lot of what I was saying was about, I did like working with them, you know talented educators, um creative thinkers, like they were great teachers.
00:26:59
karenstansfield
hand
00:27:08
Stephanie Jay
um And i and they none of that was like reciprocating back to me. Okay, bye.
00:27:15
Mannikka Rosa
my way
00:27:16
Stephanie Jay
I'm going to move on to my next journey here.
00:27:17
karenstansfield
That just confirmed my life decisions. Thank you.
00:27:22
Stephanie Jay
so
00:27:23
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:27:24
Stephanie Jay
yeah
00:27:24
karenstansfield
I think i a lot of what you said there, Steph, really resonates with me, I think.
00:27:24
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:27:30
karenstansfield
um and And Manny, how you opened up about like you know protecting your energy and being a little bit distant from you know letting people in. I definitely feel that way. I think we all have very, we're at very busy stages of our lives, like having young children, having careers, having spouses.
00:27:49
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:27:53
karenstansfield
it's There's just a lot of demands on my time. And so it's overwhelming for me to to think about adding you know more people to my circle that I that i need to or want to give time and and energy to. um And so I feel like I tend to be guarded in that respect and then simultaneously feel like like I have a limited set of close friends in my you know near like geographic proximity.
00:28:27
karenstansfield
I have good friends, you all, you know but but we don't live close to each other. And sometimes it's not sometimes.
00:28:33
Stephanie Jay
Uh-huh.
00:28:33
karenstansfield
It is helpful to have people nearby that you can lean on.
00:28:37
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:28:37
karenstansfield
um and but It's like, at this stage in our lives, this is what I always struggle with. It's like, how do you make close friends? Because when you're young, it's very clear. You go
Differences in Friendship Dynamics Across Life Stages
00:28:47
karenstansfield
to school together. You're in the same classes. You're learning together. you know like you're You're literally growing together. uh in college you're like put on a dorm floor or we're on the dance team and you have you know forced friendships that become real friendships and then you have children and now you're forced into these fake like awkward relationships with your kids friends parents and it's like oh and so i i
00:28:55
Stephanie Jay
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
00:29:11
Stephanie Jay
Mm
00:29:11
Mannikka Rosa
Right? Yeah. Oh, that combination is so hard.
00:29:16
Stephanie Jay
hmm.
00:29:16
karenstansfield
It's like I feel myself actively resisting making friends with these people for no reason except that it feels like it's being forced on me and my like natural motion is to like, no, I will not accept.
00:29:29
Mannikka Rosa
Yes. Yeah.
00:29:30
karenstansfield
But then I met this one little girl in Maxwell's class. I met her parents recently and I like them.
00:29:38
karenstansfield
And I'm like, how do I insert myself into their lives in like a not awkward, way and it's so it's like the weirdest thing i'm like trying to like date them
00:29:38
Mannikka Rosa
yeah
00:29:48
Mannikka Rosa
Yes. oh Yes. Oh my gosh. Okay. So you're getting to like the next question that I have for you guys, but I want to follow up on like one thing. So, um, first staff, like what you were talking about with like gossip. Um, and, um, I think for me, my resistance with gossip is also because it feels like small talk and I don't do small talk.
00:30:12
Stephanie Jay
Yay.
00:30:12
Mannikka Rosa
Actually I'm like a lot more introverted.
00:30:12
karenstansfield
ah
00:30:15
Mannikka Rosa
What is what I'm learning like in my sober journey and, um, so for me small talk drains me which kind of ties into what you were saying Karen about like how do I do this because like you know all with regard to my energy right like that those kind of conversations i'm i they bore me a little bit and so i when i first meet somebody even at the grocery store i'm like so tell me your deepest darkest secret
00:30:23
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:30:36
karenstansfield
and
00:30:41
Stephanie Jay
Mm
00:30:41
Mannikka Rosa
You know what I mean? Like, I was always speaking fucking truth. Like, I was not doing better, you know? um I want you to tell me, like, everything from the depths of your soul, right?
00:30:46
Stephanie Jay
-hmm.
00:30:51
karenstansfield
Oh my
Balancing Deep and Superficial Friendships
00:30:52
Mannikka Rosa
um Which makes it hard to to your point, Steph and Karen, too, of, like, um I have these friendships that I do have that with. We have such deep conversations when we get together and we meet. And those really fill my bucket. And so it takes a lot of time to get to that point with other people. And now that I have a full life with children and a career, it feels like, where am I going to get that time, right?
00:30:52
karenstansfield
gosh.
00:31:20
Mannikka Rosa
I remember being in that phase, though, in the beginning where it is like where you guys are, you know, of like they're in toddlerhood or early elementary.
00:31:32
Mannikka Rosa
And it's like, OK, I like the parents and I like the kid or I don't like the parents and I like the kid or you know I like the parents and I don't like the kid.
00:31:40
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:31:42
Mannikka Rosa
You know what I mean?
00:31:42
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:31:42
Mannikka Rosa
like and
00:31:43
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:31:43
Mannikka Rosa
a ah
00:31:46
karenstansfield
To me, it's like Maxwell liking the kid or not. like he you know He likes kids and I'm like, no to those parents.
00:31:52
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:31:54
karenstansfield
And then I like the parents and I'm like, hey, how about this child?
00:31:56
Mannikka Rosa
Great, great.
00:31:56
Stephanie Jay
Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:57
karenstansfield
Here, take this child.
00:31:58
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:31:59
karenstansfield
He's like, get lost.
00:31:59
Mannikka Rosa
It's like the perfect play date, like a double date with your kid, right?
00:31:59
karenstansfield
like It's, oh, yeah. Yes, exactly.
00:32:03
Mannikka Rosa
um because Because you're not at drop-off stage yet, right? You're not at drop-off.
00:32:07
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm.
00:32:08
Mannikka Rosa
You have to spend time with them. So I will say, as your future self, it gets better. And I i have a lot deeper friendships.
00:32:13
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm
00:32:14
karenstansfield
Okay.
00:32:17
Mannikka Rosa
I actually talk to one of Brielle's friend's mom every single day. um And i it is starting to be more natural. So it does get better the older that they get. i can pretty much guarantee that. um Yeah.
00:32:32
karenstansfield
That's encouraging.
00:32:32
Stephanie Jay
Um, can I also say in defense of the gossip, because I, and not defending gossip, but like, I don't like small talk either.
00:32:43
Stephanie Jay
And it's funny that you said, compared gossip to a small talk because I don't think gossip is small talk. Like I love to hear like stories like that. Like they make me laugh and and stuff.
00:32:52
karenstansfield
and
00:32:54
Stephanie Jay
So like, you know, I'm not saying I'm not going to be judgy. Wudgie was a bear moment. You know, like, when I'm not going to be Judgey Wuzzy.
00:33:00
karenstansfield
Is that an expression?
00:33:00
Mannikka Rosa
and not is that it Is that a new nursery rhyme that I'm not aware of?
00:33:04
Stephanie Jay
Yeah, Judgey Wuzzy. I'm not going to be Judgey about it.
00:33:07
karenstansfield
I thought it was fuzzy was he?
00:33:09
Stephanie Jay
Judgey Wuzzy.
00:33:10
Mannikka Rosa
It is.
00:33:12
Stephanie Jay
It is. It's a, mm-hmm, okay, no.
00:33:16
Mannikka Rosa
Okay, keep it moving sis.
00:33:16
Stephanie Jay
um What I'm saying is, the gossip, I i found myself like indulging in it, like you know and then later realizing that they spent a lot of time doing that, and I knew then, and it wasn't really until like I left that grade level, and like I found that the grade level I'm in now, when we are all together, all the all of the teachers that teach my grade level,
00:33:30
karenstansfield
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:44
Stephanie Jay
There wasn't, isn't a lot of gossip going on. It's really a lot more like heartfelt and it was more of a reflection back. So like when I was with those women who did do a lot of gossiping, I was like, ooh, tell me the tea girl.
00:33:54
karenstansfield
Mm.
00:33:55
Stephanie Jay
What? ah You know, I was peeking with them really. And it was funny to me. And then later I realized how toxic that was. And I, but I also realized that it was a red flag to me cause I never let them in personally, deeply.
00:34:10
Mannikka Rosa
Right,
00:34:11
Stephanie Jay
And I, and I realized later is probably because I, I could tell that they talk a lot of shit about people.
00:34:11
Mannikka Rosa
right.
00:34:17
karenstansfield
Mm hmm.
00:34:17
Stephanie Jay
And I didn't, you know, it was like a double edged sword because I didn't, I liked, I thought the stories were great. They were hilarious.
00:34:24
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:34:24
Stephanie Jay
they And they were always about people I didn't know, you know, But then like it would start to be about people I did know.
00:34:28
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:34:30
Stephanie Jay
And then I was like, oh wait, this isn't nice. Oh no, you know what I mean?
00:34:33
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:34:34
karenstansfield
yeah
00:34:34
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, I do.
00:34:34
Stephanie Jay
So.
00:34:35
Mannikka Rosa
And I think maybe that's like, I'm writing this down, maybe that's like another topic that we like add to our, because I think that's a broader conversation, but I think you made a good point in what I sense when I pick up gossip. Because trust me, I send like stuff about bravo, celebrity gossip all the time to my friends. right um And those people are human, and sometimes I forget.
00:34:54
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:34:56
Mannikka Rosa
right But um I think what youre what hit me is that it's a mask over who you really are.
00:34:57
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:35:03
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm. Yes.
00:35:03
Mannikka Rosa
So what happened was that you were not really seeing them because they were constantly talking about other people and not themselves.
00:35:09
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:35:10
karenstansfield
oh
00:35:10
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:35:10
Mannikka Rosa
And that makes it hard to get to know somebody.
00:35:13
Stephanie Jay
Yes, absolutely.
00:35:13
Mannikka Rosa
ah
00:35:14
Stephanie Jay
That's definitely it.
00:35:16
Mannikka Rosa
So okay we have a couple minutes left so I just want to go with the last question because Karen you were alluding
Seeking Adult Friendships and Insecurities
00:35:21
Mannikka Rosa
this.
00:35:21
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:35:23
Mannikka Rosa
I um also at the time of writing that poem I was in a writing class and my teacher made us read this article or had us read this article called the worst friend date that I've ever had.
00:35:34
karenstansfield
Aww.
00:35:36
Mannikka Rosa
And it really resonated with me, all the different parts of it.
00:35:37
karenstansfield
Aww.
00:35:39
Mannikka Rosa
And we're going to link that also in the show notes. um But one of the parts in the article talked about how do you ask a friend on a date? You know, like, how do you, take Karen, you just were saying this, like, how do I slide, slither her in and be like, you You know, like, anyway, so.
00:35:49
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:35:55
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:35:57
Stephanie Jay
been away
00:35:59
karenstansfield
It's so awkward.
00:36:00
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:36:01
Mannikka Rosa
Yes, yes, yes, yes. How do you tell a friend, like, I've been searching for you.
00:36:04
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:36:05
Mannikka Rosa
You're my unicorn. I have a crush on you. know How do you ask them out?
00:36:11
karenstansfield
um
00:36:15
karenstansfield
I don't.
00:36:16
Stephanie Jay
know
00:36:16
karenstansfield
I'm so awkward and nervous. and it's so It's so weird. It taps into like my ah younger... um What's the word? like Insecurities.
00:36:27
Mannikka Rosa
Insecurities, fears?
00:36:29
karenstansfield
Yes, exactly.
00:36:29
Stephanie Jay
Mm
00:36:30
karenstansfield
yeah like i I feel like I have grown into a confident, independent woman, and then I find myself feeling these feelings, like these middle school feelings of...
00:36:39
Stephanie Jay
-hmm.
00:36:43
karenstansfield
ah self-doubt insecurity, it it's it's upsetting. It's upsetting to know that that's still there somewhere.
00:36:52
Mannikka Rosa
Mm hmm.
00:36:52
karenstansfield
um And I don't really honestly know, like we have have a couple that we met through our son, our son, the matchmaker. um And we took to them and they are very similar to us like and ah very blunt and so we have joked with each other about how awkward it is making friends at this stage in our lives and kind of bonded over that. um I apparently, what drew them to us, I've learned this as we had dinner recently, um the husband had said that the reason why he like wanted to actually like get to know us like and you know our have have our kids hang out or whatever was because we were at a birthday party, speaking of birthday parties, and um he said,
00:37:20
Stephanie Jay
I heard.
00:37:42
karenstansfield
something to me about the kids. And apparently I said, I know I have a child here, but I'm not really a kid person.
00:37:52
Mannikka Rosa
That's
00:37:52
Stephanie Jay
but
00:37:54
karenstansfield
Which like, I don't remember saying, but I was like, yeah, that's definitely something I would say.
00:38:01
Stephanie Jay
Definitely something you would say.
00:38:04
karenstansfield
And apparently he went, he said, like, he went home from that party and told his wife, like, we got to hang out with them.
00:38:08
Mannikka Rosa
amazing.
00:38:12
karenstansfield
So um you he and they like they kind of like, ah they were the pursuers, which was great because I enjoyed both of them as well. But like, I am not good at that.
00:38:23
Mannikka Rosa
You like the chase.
00:38:24
karenstansfield
I don't know how to be that, you know?
00:38:27
Stephanie Jay
anyone
00:38:27
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, yeah.
00:38:28
karenstansfield
So there's this other couple that now I'm i'm trying to find ways to like see more.
00:38:34
karenstansfield
So the latest thing is like, we have this public pool in our neighborhood that's amazing. And so Now I just like text them and I tell them when we're going to the pool and they've shown up a couple of times. So I feel like we're becoming, you know, more than acquaintances.
00:38:34
Mannikka Rosa
here
00:38:51
Mannikka Rosa
Yes, that's a start.
00:38:53
karenstansfield
I really hope that like fast forward a few months, we're actually friends and they hear this and be like, oh, Karen's a creep.
00:38:58
Mannikka Rosa
now
00:38:58
Stephanie Jay
i and clinton
00:39:00
karenstansfield
We're not going to hang out with them anymore.
00:39:04
karenstansfield
But it's so weird as a grown woman to like have these weird, awkward feelings.
00:39:05
Mannikka Rosa
It's hard.
00:39:09
Stephanie Jay
I know I um like not like my current team that I work with um at school they we have kids similar age and it's funny because at the end of the school year we're like oh my gosh like over the summer we're gonna
00:39:09
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah. yeah
00:39:27
Stephanie Jay
get together. And, you know, I was like, yeah, right we joined the, my neighborhood pool, you can come with us to that, blah, blah, blah, blah. I saw them for the first time last week, and it was to plan for teaching. We did not get the kids together one time.
00:39:42
Mannikka Rosa
Haha.
00:39:44
karenstansfield
Mmhmm.
00:39:44
Stephanie Jay
on and And we had like every intention to, um and so it's like, like, how do we, and that's really more like, Because this is what came to my mind when you were like asking people out. like How do we ask people out when you're like busy as all get out? you know like you know I was just like, we had every intention of doing it, like getting together. And we never did, just simply because life. you know And summer's crazy, too, like when they were on vacation and we were back and I was out of town. with you know like It just never actually really worked out. but
00:40:22
Stephanie Jay
It's the adding in the factor of like busy too.
Intentional Connections Amidst Busy Lives
00:40:25
Stephanie Jay
It's like, I don't know.
00:40:26
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm.
00:40:29
Mannikka Rosa
yeah it's hard
00:40:29
karenstansfield
It is hard. And it's like you have to be really intentional about making time for that because we also need, like, that is an important part for all of us, you know, to have human connection that's not work and that's not children, you know, like, but that's, to to your earlier point, Manny, that, like, fills our own buckets, which is important.
00:40:33
Stephanie Jay
Intentional.
00:40:44
Stephanie Jay
Yeah. you
00:40:50
Mannikka Rosa
home.
00:40:51
Stephanie Jay
yeah
00:40:52
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, yeah, it's like goes goes back to like about those spaces, right?
00:40:52
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:40:54
karenstansfield
It's hard.
00:40:56
Mannikka Rosa
If like, where do those exist when, you know, for me, I, you know, have a separate political ideology where I don't engage in drinking where I, you know what I mean, like, like, where do those places exist where um I can go and have those, like, my own hobbies, um essentially, which is why I got into the writing class.
00:41:03
Stephanie Jay
me Okay.
00:41:16
karenstansfield
Hmm.
00:41:17
Mannikka Rosa
But um I'll just close with what one story, and then we'll do confessionals. But um we hosted a father-daughter dance, um or the pregame before the father-daughter dance for a Millie this year.
00:41:31
Stephanie Jay
Hmm.
00:41:31
Mannikka Rosa
And I had never you know met any of her classmates' parents because, as we talked about in previous podcasts, I don't do drop-offs.
00:41:32
karenstansfield
Hmm. Yeah.
00:41:39
Mannikka Rosa
I don't like talking to people. I get inundated with group texts. like It's just kind of hard.
00:41:42
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:41:43
karenstansfield
yeah
00:41:43
Mannikka Rosa
um but so we hosted everybody at our house and there were these two moms and i do not know how this conversation came up but speaking of gossip and bravo like we got on bravo and the way that they were talking about bra bravo in the house and the shows that i watch and we were just like oh my god i mean and this mom
00:42:03
karenstansfield
Oh.
00:42:05
Stephanie Jay
since
00:42:05
Mannikka Rosa
Like, we were just going back and forth, and I was all jazzed. And i the friend who I was just talking about who i talk about who I talk to every day, I was like, I have a crush on this woman. Like, ay where has she been my whole time moving to this place, you know? And it turns out they're very good friends. So when I did my poetry event, she was there and was one of the people. And I was like, this is going to be the test, because I did my bodyguard piece.
00:42:32
Stephanie Jay
is
00:42:32
Mannikka Rosa
and um I did it for them in a dress rehearsal and she was bawling. And I was like, oh friends.
00:42:37
Stephanie Jay
anyway.
00:42:37
karenstansfield
Mmm.
00:42:40
karenstansfield
Yes.
00:42:40
Mannikka Rosa
And then after that happened, I saw them at La Crosse and I was like, yes. And then her little girl turns around and she's wearing a fucking Michigan shirt.
00:42:52
karenstansfield
ah
00:42:53
Mannikka Rosa
And I was like, no!
00:42:55
Stephanie Jay
o Oh.
00:43:00
karenstansfield
Oh my gosh. I wasn't sure what you were going to say there, and I was feeling very nervous. um But I feel like I live in Chicago. There are Michigan's, there are shirts everywhere. Everywhere I look, it's so...
00:43:19
Stephanie Jay
yeah
00:43:20
Mannikka Rosa
Oh, yeah.
00:43:20
karenstansfield
Yeah, but like I would literally eliminate 75% of...
00:43:22
Mannikka Rosa
I was like, she was almost perfect. She was almost perfect.
00:43:28
Stephanie Jay
maybe like maybe you have You have me follow this person, right?
00:43:28
karenstansfield
So from now on, all your children wear in public is Buckeye gear.
00:43:32
Mannikka Rosa
Oh my, I see. That's it.
00:43:37
Mannikka Rosa
No, this is a different person.
00:43:38
Stephanie Jay
Oh, okay, because I remember I messaged, yeah, because I like, I remember you were like, you should follow this person on Instagram.
00:43:39
Mannikka Rosa
There's a lot of Michigan people here too. Yeah. Yeah.
00:43:45
Stephanie Jay
And I did, and whoever it was, posted a bunch of Michigan stuff.
00:43:48
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah.
00:43:48
Stephanie Jay
And one of them I forwarded to you, like, you have me following a Michigan hand. Is this what you're doing to me?
00:43:54
Mannikka Rosa
I know. Oh, God, you guys, it's like right when I moved, like it Ohio State started losing and Michigan people started coming into my orbit.
00:43:56
karenstansfield
Oh my god.
00:43:56
Stephanie Jay
please
00:44:02
Mannikka Rosa
It was.
00:44:03
Stephanie Jay
Right. That's how that always works.
00:44:05
karenstansfield
Yeah. So wait. So what you're saying is this is your fault that we're losing.
00:44:10
Mannikka Rosa
For.
00:44:10
Stephanie Jay
No, it's the Buckeye cult. We need to win.
00:44:12
Mannikka Rosa
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
00:44:13
karenstansfield
You have put the universe out of yeah like off kilter. i I feel like you heard it here, everyone.
00:44:17
Mannikka Rosa
Yes, I am that powerful.
00:44:22
Mannikka Rosa
All right, guess we're moving back to Virginia.
00:44:22
karenstansfield
mannika rosa
00:44:25
Stephanie Jay
you
00:44:26
Mannikka Rosa
All right, so ladies, we're kind of at time here or we are at time here.
00:44:30
Stephanie Jay
morning
00:44:31
Mannikka Rosa
Anybody have any confessionals from this episode?
00:44:35
Stephanie Jay
I do kind of have one. um So I um was at dinner with one of my friends um and we it was kind of like an invite-only dinner and there were um people who were important to her in her life at this dinner. and there were some new friends in the mix and I didn't know them and that's fine and I
Jealousy and Insecurity in Friendships
00:44:59
Stephanie Jay
was like getting to to know them and I was kind of off put by ah like a couple of them like I felt like there were things that they were saying that you know I wasn't wasn't necessarily vibing with and I was just kind of um sure and I was kind of like I felt like if I were I think I was
00:45:21
Stephanie Jay
but I'm sorry, this is I'm having a hard time formulating this. I think that I was like, I don't know about those people. And i'm and I don't know, like it made me nervous about how close that, I don't know.
00:45:34
karenstansfield
Mm hmm.
00:45:35
Stephanie Jay
and so But I feel like I was projecting because like I am so protective of myself and like who I let in, and they could very well be great people. But I, am at this point in my life, wouldn't let them in. And I think there was kind of a hater, there was like kind of a jealous, there was kind of a, it it was my stuff, not their stuff. Does that make sense? and um And I think it was more like I admire my friend who I was there to to be with for being open.
00:46:04
karenstansfield
Yeah, absolutely.
00:46:12
Stephanie Jay
and you know being willing to put them so herself out there. And maybe if it those relationships don't last, like mine and her friend relationship will last, but if those relationships don't last, so what? Like she put herself out there to make new friends and she's felt connected to them and um and good for her. And like, I need to be a little less guarded because I could be missing out on opportunities for connection. um
00:46:42
karenstansfield
yeah
00:46:42
Stephanie Jay
Cause I think I was just like, how could you like have a new friend worse? Oh, like what are you, what are we doing? And, but like, why would I like, why would I think like that? Like it's beautiful. And it speaks to her, like how beautiful a person she is that she's open and letting people into her life. And it just made me realize like any negative feeling I think was my own shit.
00:47:08
karenstansfield
Yeah. Yeah.
00:47:08
Stephanie Jay
And I, yeah.
00:47:09
karenstansfield
Steph. i um I'm so glad that you shared that story because you shared that story with me when you were in town.
00:47:16
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:47:18
karenstansfield
And I remember having very similar feelings, like almost judgmental. And I'm really checking my judgment.
00:47:24
Stephanie Jay
Yes. Yeah.
00:47:27
karenstansfield
I'm really focused on that at this stage in my life.
00:47:30
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:47:30
karenstansfield
um But that was literally going to be my confessional too, of like this conversation has made me realize that ah we We can make good friends at this stage in our life just because we haven't known them for forever.
00:47:42
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm hmm.
00:47:46
karenstansfield
And I think my reaction to that was a little bit of um jealousy, I would say.
00:47:52
karenstansfield
Like, Manny, when you were talking about your friends now in your community, um and the women that you're finding that you're connecting with, there is a twinge of jealousy there. I'm like, wait, I am your friend.
00:47:52
Stephanie Jay
Yep.
00:48:05
Stephanie Jay
Right.
00:48:06
karenstansfield
You you know, that like as if this is a zero sum game and you have only so much love to give and by you being friends with them, that means I get less love and that's nonsense.
00:48:11
Stephanie Jay
right
00:48:13
Stephanie Jay
I didn't last.
00:48:18
karenstansfield
And so it's good that we're having this conversation so I can reflect on that.
00:48:21
Stephanie Jay
Yeah.
00:48:22
karenstansfield
But that is definitely my confessional of like my immediate reaction is like, no, no, no, no.
00:48:26
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:48:26
karenstansfield
Don't give you your love to just anybody. I need all of it.
00:48:30
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:48:30
karenstansfield
like that's um That's real.
00:48:31
Mannikka Rosa
Yeah, that's like a full circle that's like a full circle moment of when I was talking about like the scarcity mentality and how I need to shift like abundance, right?
00:48:33
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:48:37
karenstansfield
Mm-hmm, Yeah.
00:48:40
Mannikka Rosa
Like I'm still here with you all, like spending and time doing this.
00:48:43
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:48:44
Mannikka Rosa
We have our weekend planned in a couple of weeks. Like I'm still very much involved and committed.
00:48:47
Stephanie Jay
Mm hmm.
00:48:49
Mannikka Rosa
And I thought that I wasn't going to have the energy to do both. And what I'm realizing is actually both make my life more full, that it gives me more energy.
00:48:55
Stephanie Jay
Oh.
00:48:58
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:48:59
Mannikka Rosa
And I'm able to actually be um present in ways that I wasn't when I was isolating and stuff. So um I have one confessional. I know it's getting a little long. But um I will also say that I think, and maybe this is kind of tied to what we are saying. But um I want to bring it back to like the focus of like why we do this podcast. And we were talking about labels and stereotypes.
Labeling Relationships for Emotional Management
00:49:22
Mannikka Rosa
And I just think about our first episode where we were trying to introduce like our content and our concepts. and arm You know, I think in this situation, and I believe it was Karen, you asked us, like, are stereotypes bad or labels bad, right?
00:49:35
Mannikka Rosa
And I think in this situation, labels actually have helped us.
00:49:40
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:49:41
Mannikka Rosa
I'm thinking to Stephanie with your friends, i the line that you said, they're not my friends, they're my coworkers, right?
00:49:47
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:49:47
karenstansfield
Mm hmm.
00:49:48
Mannikka Rosa
And I think by distinguishing that you're able to now shift your energy and move into a space where
00:49:54
Mannikka Rosa
those friendships are going to be coming to you you.
00:49:55
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:49:58
Mannikka Rosa
You make yourself more available and more attractive when you set up that boundary and that label of like, this is what it is.
00:50:02
Stephanie Jay
Mm-hmm.
00:50:03
Mannikka Rosa
This is what that relationship is. This is your label to me. And I hate to like compartmentalize like that, but I think sometimes we do need to be like a little bit more direct in that this is what this is, right?
00:50:14
Stephanie Jay
Uh-huh.
00:50:14
Mannikka Rosa
Because we're wasting and expending energy in relationships that could be um energy and relationships that are really actually gonna fulfill it, so.
00:50:14
karenstansfield
Yeah.
00:50:22
Stephanie Jay
Uh-huh.
00:50:24
Mannikka Rosa
With that, I think we're done.
00:50:24
karenstansfield
Love that.
00:50:26
Stephanie Jay
Love it. Uh-huh.
00:50:28
karenstansfield
Yes, so that rounds out the friendship series.
00:50:31
karenstansfield
Look forward to a bonus friendship series, or not friendship series, bonus friendship um episode on um platonic friendships.
00:50:31
Stephanie Jay
Uh-huh.
00:50:43
Mannikka Rosa
Bye.
00:50:43
karenstansfield
So that is coming soon.
00:50:45
Stephanie Jay
Mm
00:50:46
Mannikka Rosa
yeah
00:50:46
karenstansfield
Thanks for listening.
00:50:54
Mannikka Rosa
Bye.
00:51:05
Stephanie Jay
hmm.