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EP. 46 Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix
18 Plays1 month ago
The guys review the fifth installment of the Harry Potter franchise!
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Transcript
Introduction and Social Media
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 46 of the two guys one screen podcast aka the hemorrhoid homies getting pretty bad aka the Po town boys. My name is Nick and I'm Gerald and today we enter ah year five of the Harry Potter franchise with the Order of the Phoenix ah this is a It's a big one. there's A lot of big shit happens here. Big tings. I've been on record saying this is my favorite Harry Potter, um and we'll you'll find out if it remains my my my favorite or not. Stay tuned.
Rant on Apple Charges
00:00:40
Speaker
We'll do a...
00:00:43
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail dot.com. Follow us on letterbox. The links will be in the description for that. And if you're feeling down to clown, send us a voicemail hey darn to 508. Fist us 508. Dip tip.
00:01:07
Speaker
ah And the clips will now be I guess strictly on Instagram since tick-tock is bye-bye Yeah, I'm gonna try to start posting those on ah on YouTube YouTube as well.
New Cast and Character Discussion
00:01:21
Speaker
So I Think we have a page we have it. We have a page that already exists You're more than welcome to follow it the clips on there all looks like gave up um ah How do I change profiles YouTube on use on the YouTube. I don't know settings. I've you to premium so settings How do I? About rants. I'm illiterate dude. You got a rant don't fucking so if you have an if you have an iPhone, right? Oh, don't Don't subscribe to anything on the app store because they upcharge you. All right YouTube premium is like $22. They charge me 33. Okay, that's fucked. Wait, why did you do that for?
00:02:06
Speaker
Cause they're like some gay shit where like Apple's like, oh you're using our services, we're gonna upcharge cause we wanna make money too. Fuck you Apple! Fuck you! Alright? Christ! Wait, I don't understand why they're charging you for? Because you're subscribed to it through Apple. Through Apple! Oh that's crazy bro. Right, so I gotta cancel my YouTube Premium membership and then subscribe through like my web browser or some shit. So I don't have to pay an extra eleven dollars.
00:02:37
Speaker
Our YouTube is at two guys one screen pod like the email So on YouTube check us out. It's just clips never against your face. Not yet. Not yet If we get yeah big if we get big which were small were little tiny guys, okay ah We'll go over the the new additions to the cast list of Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix We will keep up appearances. This is a post 9-11 podcast absolutely This is a post This is a post-9-11 movie. Okay, movie did in fact come out before 9-11. After? Not before? Yeah, right. I'm fucking it up already. Yeah.
00:03:20
Speaker
ah
00:03:23
Speaker
Uh... Amelda Staughton plays Dolores Umbridge. I'm not gonna look at it. Should I drop my hot take now or should I drop it later? I got ah i mean, it's hot.
00:03:36
Speaker
Save it. Okay. All right. But we're both... He ain't fucking it. We're not fucking it, right? Nah. She's ugly and old. By the way, the last Harry Potter episode, we were like, did he only say one not fucking it? I listened back to the recording. Only one not fucking it. W. We didn't get two. I don't know why. We're getting... The button is two. Oh, right. They only gave us one. Strange. It's kind of an L.
00:04:04
Speaker
Anyways, el L take. ah
00:04:10
Speaker
Ivana Lynch plays Luna Lovegood. We can't hit the button. Stay tuned for the next episode. do i mean How about her? We hit the button on her. Oh, yeah, we can. ah Cho Chang is of age in this movie. How are you doing?
00:04:31
Speaker
Harry or don't you
Movie Release and Initial Scenes
00:04:33
Speaker
have a change of heart. I don't know what a little oriental. Let me give it to you I'm trying to see who else I'm scrolling down the cast list. Oh, Harris is Kingsley Shacklebolt That is a crazy name to give a black man. I'm just saying that's a fucking big That is a rod. That's that's a dope name though. Shacklebolt for a black man. Oh, Shackle, yeah, okay. Oh Mmm. Take away the slavery. If he was white. All right, well don't make him white, just don't give him that name. Right. Just make him Kingsley, that's cool. He didn't need a last name. JK. Kingsley, that's cool. He also looks like that guy who played, that'd be crazy if he is. He's not. But he looked at the guy from the Santa Claus that played Sandman. Oh, okay, yeah. That's a fucking crazy take, but he does.
00:05:23
Speaker
ah Natalia Tena plays Nymphadora Tonks? Is she- Don't call me Nymphadora. What do we think? Uh, I think- I don't know. In the movie, I think- I think she can. You can get it in the movie?
00:05:42
Speaker
She got like that, she got that like that emo look going to her. Yeah, we like that. Yeah.
00:05:50
Speaker
Horny little people. Oh, Catherine Hunter plays Arabella Fig or Mrs. Fig. That's a important one. Timothy Bateson plays Creature. Shout out Creature. He's a fucking asshole, but I like him. Creature.
00:06:09
Speaker
oh
00:06:14
Speaker
Is there anybody else that we want to shout out here? I don't think so. I think I got them all, right? Yeah, you got him. Alec Hopkins plays a young Severus Snape. W. W. Does he come back for the... He doesn't. All right. Yeah, that's everybody.
00:06:35
Speaker
ah Again, this movie came out in 2007. The director is David Yates who would go on to direct the rest of the franchise. David Yates and he just took over. Yeah, he even did the Fantastic Beasts movies, which I haven't seen. We never addressed that. We're not covering those because I watched the first one and it's dog shit. I mean, that is a fucking... he yeah That's a... Yikes. It can be all the fucking buttons, to be honest. Yikes. So Yikes, come on Jerry, right there if I ever heard one.
00:07:03
Speaker
All right, we're going into the scene by scene. If you haven't seen this movie, ah watch it and come back. But at this point, I'm not sure who hasn't seen Harry Potter. And you should probably start with number one. You know, don't just jump into five. Yeah, because also episode one is our best episode. So you should definitely watch that one first and then listen to that episode. For sure. Crazy takes in that one. I like the opening of Order of the Fiends because you know what? they They will fuck around. They just get right into it. You get a title card off the rip. Fucking.
00:07:31
Speaker
Y'all know what it is, we got the dark ass Warner Brothers logo. Gets darker and darker. Just gets darker and darker, yeah. And Harry's, Harry's in a, he's in a field. I don't know how else, I mean. He's chilling. He's chilling. And we hear a radio that says it's hot as fuck outside and he sees a family at this like random ass park. Like why are you creeping on this family, dude? I don't, bro, he's probably like wants a family. He is so depressed.
00:08:02
Speaker
He's got to be. yeah I mean, PTSD for sure. um This movie will definitely get to
Dementor Attack and Aftermath
00:08:08
Speaker
that point. It does such a good job of showing that. Yeah, Harry is fucked. So he's sitting on a swing by myself like a fucking loser. and I don't like his hair. OK. Haircut, I don't like it. Wrong. No, I don't like it. You're wrong. He looks. how do you like How do you like his Goblet of Fire haircut more than this one?
00:08:30
Speaker
Because in this one, he looks kind of like, you know... Autistic? I don't want to say it. He looks like... Alright, cut that, but... Oh, Carl, you know what we said. But... ah Oh, i got it i got I gotta get this out. I'm sorry, really quickly. Okay. I agree with you. He looks like a... But also... ah How was that work yesterday?
00:08:54
Speaker
And I was telling some of the guys I work with know that I have a podcast. Shout out to them, they don't listen. um But one of them doesn't like to speak complete English and he can't pronounce Dumbledore. He can't say it. That's what he say.
00:09:07
Speaker
He's just is like, no, I can't do it. No, he's just Albus. I was like, I don't think you could say even Brian. I don't I don't even think you could say fucking. He was like he. Well, then Carlos tried to help when Carlos was like Dombla Dora. And like he was trying to say like as a Spanish person or couldn't say it. And then he was at first he was saying double door, double door, like a double door. And close enough. And I was ah i was like, my man is an M in there. And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah, there's an M double door.
00:09:36
Speaker
oh Bodger, but eventually he got it actually I think towards the end he was able to get it, but w we're we're teaching He only got it out clean one time. I'm happy you're supporting him. I was trying to roast his ass, but I See if you're listening you probably don't see what I'm saying right now anyway, so a hairy looks like a Dudley and his friends they still got nothing better do than try to fuck with Harry I don't know why. um But Dudley does talk a lot of shit here, saying Harry's afraid of his own pillow, which is kind of crazy. Like, I've seen shit you can't even imagine. but Like, if he even knew. And he taunts him about his dead mom, and Harry pulls his wand out. Don't talk with my mommy like that, you know? I mean, yeah. I mean, he about to, he about to, you know? He about to. Right, and the streets is real. Yeah. And right as Harry pulls his wand out, we get some like sudden bad weather.
00:10:33
Speaker
Right, because Harry pulls his cock out and he you know he controls the weather. But he's not Jewish. and case you're as a jew Is there Judaism and Christianity in the world of Harry Potter? ah Well, if you're talking to Harry, Dumbledore is God. That's fact. But we don't know. OK, let us know right in. Tell us what you think. Is God real?
00:10:58
Speaker
Well, don't write in with that. We don't really care. But we don't. get Is God of real in the world of Harry Potter? Let's go. Suddenly, there's some bad some bad weather. Dudley's friends make a run for it. Then we follow Dudley and Harry who make a run for into a random ass tunnel. I mean, what is the what is the geography of where they are right now? I don't theyre like this at all. There has to be like a road that goes over, right? Or there would be no dont no. i Why are you putting a tunnel through a hill?
00:11:25
Speaker
Yeah, it was his minecraft big stairs like yeah, right. on I fuck dude, so ah They're in this tunnel and this is when Harry pulls his wand out his other wand. I'm just kidding and now you're gonna get it
00:11:40
Speaker
ah The tunnel lights start to flicker and there is a actually a pretty good jump scare. This is a dementor It's not a death eater, right? Which why they look so fucking similar. I don't know but well cuz I don't know Yeah, I don't know either, but we like cloaks Big black cloaked people I'm for it It starts attacking Harry Dudley tries to make a run for this fat fuck slips and falls And now Harry and Dudley are getting sucked off side by side. I a family sucking. It's a family. Yeah family suck fest 25 or 2007 whatever um Harry's able to stick his wand
00:12:21
Speaker
In the Dementor's ear. ah Get it. Get it. And then he hits a expecto patronum. Which this is actually a fucking solid expecto patronum on Harry's part. As far as like what he's been able to do. And like he's in a really depressed mood. So like the fact that he can think of a happy memory to like hit that shit. Right.
00:12:44
Speaker
um Which it kind of scares them off and they go flying over a busy highway, which I guess that's not good and The question we just asked five minutes ago that tunnels under a highway. I guess yeah
Order of the Phoenix and Headquarters
00:12:54
Speaker
today go over this highway and then Miss fig walks into this tunnel randomly and Harry tries to put his wand away because you can't do magic in front of muggles ah but we find out that ah Miss fig was sent by Dumbledore after Cedric died to watch over Harry so w muggle w is she a muggle you think or do you think she has magic i think she's a muggle okay but my blood sorry well you know but no slurs out here but like Dumbledore you know he knows a good muggle when he sees one
00:13:29
Speaker
hmm that's true we follow them to uh back into harry potter oil i guess it's like the dursley's neighborhood it's not really harry's house and she says she tells them not to leave the house and someone will be in touch which tells harry not to leave the house oh and at this point doubly's kind of like fucked up he's like duh like he's like kind of like frozen almost like Right. His soul sucked. This is the first time he's been sucked in his life. So he's just I mean, what poor girl want to suck him off? I mean, he's a motherfucker, dude. Yeah. um Harry brings Dudley inside to Vernon and Petunia. And like you just mentioned, Vernon's like, he's gone lumpy.
00:14:05
Speaker
He's all bumpy. You're retarded right now. It's okay. It's fair And we get a letter arrives and this is a talker a growler I write would be a growler you think or do you think it's just a letter that talks? I think it's a letter because the like the the one that Ron got in Chamber of Secrets It was red and he got fucking yelled at this one's just It's a letter from the it's a letter from the ministry that knows that Hara used magic in front of a muggle and he's been expelled from Hogwarts Which is signed from a one mafalda hopkirk who we don't ever actually see I don't think no who fuck are you? Yeah, fuck you fuck you Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
00:14:53
Speaker
ah Vernon's thrilled that Harry got expelled. um Yes He's so hype and they take Dudley to the hospital ah And we cut Harry's in the house by himself. He's pissed look at a picture of his parents Which shows no more, right?
00:15:12
Speaker
I think he goes to bed and he's getting visions of Cedric dying, which is definitely traumatizing for this poor kid. For sure. And his door slowly unlocks and opens and it's Mad Eye Moody with who we will come to learn the Order of the Phoenix is who this group of people are. So the whole group minus like a couple of people. We got Kingsley, we got fucking Nymphomania. What the fuck her name is? Tonks. Tonks, yeah. Shout out Tonka from WWF.
00:15:42
Speaker
There you go. Shout out Tonka, Guinan's dog. W. Hey, Guinan, shout out Guinan. Shout out Guinan. We've never shouted him out, but shout out Theo, dude. We can't say his first name, because then we're going to dump his whole entire government name on the internet, and that's not okay. We can only refer to him as Guinan. So essentially,
00:16:02
Speaker
They're they're there to take Harry with them and ah Kingsley delivers news that Harry's gonna have a hearing over using magic in front of a muggle Which we'll find out later should not be as big of a deal as it is Like is this there it feels like this man's like on death row like for using muggle to save ah Dudley's life little piece of shit that he is bunker They fly off together and the CGI looks good here Yeah, I mean, shit. They land in front of an apartment, the ah an a random apartment building. It autocorrects to infant. Just I don't know why you. Moody taps his his staff three times. And this fucking apartment like just splits open. He likes it's like splitting the sea. He split this apartment building. How do you think the people like the muggle people, like, do they notice? Is it they think they're going through an earthquake?
00:16:56
Speaker
They do zoom in on that like window and they like have no idea. I kind of see it the way like Dr. Strangers fuck around with like reality. He likes that fucking drawn and nobody knows what's going on inside of it. Like not aware. Right. yeah That. ah We go inside this building and you hear.
00:17:16
Speaker
Harry's, this is all Harry does. He just snoops around and listens to drama and then tells his friends. That's like fucking Harry's whole gossip. Yeah, he's a little gossip girl, bro. We hear people arguing inside. And as Harry walks in, we see Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. We see Sirius Black. We see Lupin. And quickly, Mrs. Weasley kind of escorts him out and closes the door. Yeah, don't worry about what's going on in there.
00:17:42
Speaker
And she sends him upstairs. He goes upstairs and he sees creature. Do you think for a minute he thought it was Dobby or do you always like it was creature from the jump? No, I think he knew because creatures like older and like a piece of shit. He's fucking a racist, bro. He is hunched over. I feel like him and Mr. Futterman would get along real well. Yeah, probably. You know, he really hates mudbloods. Fucking fuck foreigners, right? Yeah, that's what they're saying in the movie, not know what we think.
00:18:09
Speaker
Right, I mean I I I said yeah off the rip like that because I assumed you were talking about that I mean we fuck those mudbloods, you know, I mean that's where we're exactly um So Harry goes upstairs and Ron Hermione already waiting for him and Mike is a big old hug
00:18:29
Speaker
So she's pissed about the hearing being an unfair hearing. And we find out here that this is the headquarters of the Order of the Fiends, which was founded by one Albus Dumbledore. That's not, that's Gerald's sound effect. Gerald has two sound effects on the sound board. Shout out to you.
Ministry Denial and Sirius Black
00:18:48
Speaker
I'm making bangers. Hey, great. So that button's great.
00:18:54
Speaker
He founded this order the Phoenix from the first and they fought Voldemort which was as we find out in this movie 13 years ago So that's like what 2007? How old this fucking guy Dumbledore no Voldemort Oh, I mean he's like he's like immortal now right like he's a he's not a human anymore fair enough ah And Harry Potter is wondering why Hermione and Ron didn't write to him as they talked about the end of the last movie, even though that was the darkest fucking movie ever. They just like, oh, we'll write to each other this summer. Like, no, we won't. What? But then Ron literally said, i'm I'm not going to. Yeah, that's respect. But then it's like Harry's like snapping at everybody in this movie. He's a really irritated little sassy boy.
00:19:42
Speaker
um and they say Dumbledore made them swear not to say anything and Harry's like about what and then friend George Weasley show up um and they have a ear literally an ear and they snoop on ah this mean they're having and we hear Snape Here's a snape. Snapes are the order. Then we get a crookshanks appearance. Guy's fucking name this time. Hey, he's fucking with this ear. and He takes it. Fuck, fuck, man. Look. I know if you're doing something in front of a cat, it's going to fucking, you know, look, I know your your orange cat is cool, right? But most orange cats are kind of assholes. My sister's cat's kind of an asshole. She orange.
00:20:34
Speaker
Yeah, that's why I said, yeah. There you go. Pumpkin was an asshole. what's public How's pumpkin doing, by the way? Live update. He's fat. Fat. Lenny's feeding them good. Shout out Lenny. Yeah, shout out Lenny. Lenny Senior. All right. Thank you. I just want to specify, you know? Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.
00:20:54
Speaker
Um, so they, the weasleys come out of the meeting and see they've been snooping. Uh, we see Lupin, uh, and we find out here that Harry has to have an, a hearing in front of the entire wizard gamut. Whoa. It's a mouthful. They show him the daily profit, which essentially they're just dismissing the return of Voldemort. They think it's all a lie. It's all made up. Yeah. Fudge doesn't believe the first second.
00:21:20
Speaker
And they say here that Fudge is doing it out of fear of Voldemort. So he's not he's dismissing it. So you know if nobody believes Voldemort's back, Voldemort can easily throw back his strength in his army because no one's actually looking for him. That's not good. um And speaking of his army, Sirius says that Voldemort's trying to build up his army again.
00:21:41
Speaker
um and the last war they had against him he had creatures and wizards so it's uh everybody's involved everybody he could like you know he could get like a little little gopher to like but your dip dip tip off you know they have gophers in harry potter I hope so. They are rats and cats. I don't have that button right now. I'm sorry. It's the but the fucking board is loaded right now. ah hello They also know that he's been recruiting in the order of ah the theme has also been recruiting, but they're not as successful. Right. Which we don't find out until later, but.
00:22:21
Speaker
Right, they're not having a they're not not having a good go of it. In it. In it. Sirius also says that Voldemort after so ah after something he didn't have lasted last time.
00:22:35
Speaker
Wonder what that could be. And he's trying to write. He's trying to like get it out. But ah Moody and Mrs. Weasley are like, we shouldn't be telling him anything. um And they're like, no, he needs to know. And we and Mrs. Weasley's like, well, then just fucking induct him into the order. And Harry's like, fucking do it. yeah that She's like, no, no. And then Sirius hits him with a wink. Little. How are you doing? I'll see you. I'll see you later. We're technically not related. Wink.
00:23:04
Speaker
I just don't get why Harry is so fond of Sirius when he never even knew him. Maybe they go into that more ah in the books. In the books? Not really. yeah I mean, you know you didn't know this guy. You literally, two movies ago, you were like, fuck this guy, I'm gonna kill him. Right. And now you love him. And yeah even in the third movie, he was like, oh, you didn't kill my parents? I fucking love you, man. Well, I just don't get where it comes from, but... No.
00:23:31
Speaker
Harry, maybe Harry's like autistic. He is like, I could see it. He's kind of retarded. Right. Being honest, he's just pretty stupid. He can't portray emotions. Or is that Daniel Radcliffe? No. Daniel Radcliffe's, I think, solid. I think. I don't know. I'm not really sure.
00:23:52
Speaker
Um, but we cut to everyone who was asleep and Harry's hearing voices in his head. That's not a good sign chat. Randy Orton. Um, and then we caught and, uh, Arthur takes Harry, uh, in a subway to a phone booth, which is the entrance to the ministry. And he says here, Oh, this is the, uh, the visitor's entrance. Shout out doctor who have you ever watched that? No, but I know people and they,
00:24:19
Speaker
Use a telephone booth to do things. I don't know. Yeah, that's kind of weird. It's kind of gay. I agree. But so is this. This is cooler. It's cooler, but it is still gay. Like, let's keep it a book. Harry Potter's a little ya gay. you know Yeah. Yeah. Avada Kedavra. Yeah. Like, oh, fucking engorgio on that cock. All right. Oh, yeah. Love your song.
00:24:45
Speaker
don't at zo Have it ready um Now we're in the ministry, which is cool. This is the first this is the first time we've seen the ministry in and this shit um They go to the elevator and Kingsley runs into other report closes and tells Arthur that Harry's hearing is to start now in five minutes. Here's like well what The fuck you mean?
00:25:11
Speaker
And they see Lucius on their way. They have some weird eye contact there. What do you mean? Yeah, because Lucius is talking with Fudge. Right. And there's some weird shit going on there. There's some sussy shit. And they're about to go inside the court room where Arthur before before Arthur tells Harry he goes look dude Speak only when spoken to and remain calm which Harry does not do but shocker um So he goes inside they ask if ah Harry has any kind of like defense support And we get the arrival of Albus Percival Wolfrick Brian Dumbledore which is big dick energy when he walks in and W for you, like writing all that down. Yeah. i to pause it Then you hit the the Stewie voice for brain brain. That's the only way I can say Brian. i don't i'm like I'm conditioned to say it that way.
00:26:02
Speaker
ah bra um And the ministry, this is interesting here. They ask him, they go, you must have got our letter already. Because they were essentially the minister was trying to move it up. So Dumbledore wouldn't be there. Yeah, they're trying to fuck Harry over. Right. He's like, oh, I just happened to be in the ministry three hours early. So they were trying to set it up where he'd miss it and Harry would just go to jail or like pro and you don't understand like this is Dumbledore. He's God. Right. I guess he knows everything. Unlike Steve Madden.
00:26:39
Speaker
No, Friday, your teeth balor might be Jesus fucking Christ. Dumbledore could help you if a lunatic with the machete was chasing you. Right. He could do something. Right. This is my other question because I mean, it's not the right moment to bring it up. but I just thought of it. What is the deal with in? And I noticed that more in this movie and Half Blood Prince that wizards can just do spells and not say anything. Yeah. Sometimes they have to say things.
00:27:06
Speaker
Right. And then sometimes some people can like do spells with their hands and not a wand. I think that's like reserved for like fucking Dumbledore, McGahn, like the upper echelon of wizards. OK. I mean, like I don't think Harry's doing that. Nah. Right. You got to learn that. So you don't know. I don't know.
Umbridge's Influence and DA Formation
00:27:23
Speaker
It's kind of weird. No one knows. But Harry's been charged, as we said before, with producing a patronus charm in front of a mole.
00:27:31
Speaker
Um, and he tries to talk, but they just talk over him and he says, uh, but he's trying to say there was the mentors. He gets that out and there's kind of a gasp in the audience. Like there was the mentors in that little town. I forgot the town in Britain. Why? Yeah. Um,
00:27:48
Speaker
And you see like people in the in the hearing, they're shocked. there's By the way, we didn't say this. There's a lot of people. And it's the entire whiz and gamut. So like there's a lot of other people listening. It's a sold out show. Anybody who's anybody in the wizarding world is here. Right. um Fudge says, and Fudge is like the judge, I guess. Fudge the judge. Right. You can judge my fudge if you want. ah but You going to send me a picture?
00:28:13
Speaker
It's they're really small cuz I'm constipated all the time me too, right and yours is play Yeah, cuz I'm doing know the other day at work, right? They were itching so bad. They had me doing the hemorrhoid hoedown, you know, that's when you're like trying to ho on you dude like When you're trying to walk but like it itches so you're trying to you're like clapping your own cheeks together trying to like, you know, I Oh down is crazy. There you go. Let's go. I wish it a button for hemorrhoid hoedown. I don't have one that's one that's fitting for that but Oh, I should have hit the I forgot I had this for when double Door shows up fucking nick clippa it over there Anytime double doors on screen you get it it's just it's a lot of it's a lot to go back and forth oh but
00:28:59
Speaker
um Fudge says muggles can't see Dementors, which makes no sense because ah Dudley, Dursley, Dudley, Dummy was getting sucked off by a Dementor. And there's no witnesses. And ah Dumbledore, had ah in fact, does have a witness who is Mrs. Fig, who's a little loopy. She's a little weird, but she means well.
00:29:24
Speaker
Initially, she starts to describe the description of of Dudley and Harry Potter. um And he's like, no, the Dementors. And she's actually she actually gives a pretty good description of all things considered. I mean, Dumbledore probably like, you know, told her what to say, but still. She was there. Dumbledore is essentially he's he's taught like after she gives it a description, he's he's kind of alluding to the fact that the ministry order the attack on Harry and we hear from a lady who right now is unnamed but it is umbridge who speaks up and she is the madam undersecretary uh and she's like you're not suggesting that you know the order uh the ministry order an attack on harry potter are you uh and he's like he's like that's possible but also you know who and fudge he's like nope nope nope there's no Baltimore he's not back he's basically just like that was actually i might even hit the button that was perfect thank you that's
00:30:23
Speaker
you You could do impressions. ah Maybe. You're pretty good at it. Dumbledore also points out here that ah you're allowed to perform magic in front of muggles if it's lifereatening and mean to be life And clearly this was in a life-threatening situation. right And it's also not like the Patronus is like a like an evil spell or anything. He was saving somebody's life, which they don't understand. They don't care.
00:30:51
Speaker
um He also says, and then Fudge hits him back with, well the rules can be changed. So you know they're trying, to they're out for him. Literally just that saying, oh we're gonna change the rules just so Harry gets fucked over. Right. Could you make it any more obvious? And Dumbledore says it's bullshit that we're even having a full-blown hearing over underage magic.
00:31:12
Speaker
um And then they take a ah Not a poll a vote on on Convicting Harry and just for the record fudge wanted to convict Harry as well as um bridge They both raised their hand to convict him But the majority ends up clearing Harry's name because Dumbledore is the fucking man and I just Gerald's not it's a button. I just in case that's it before it's the button The court is dismissed and Dumbledore walks off. Harry tries to talk to him, but, uh, Dumbledore wants no part. Professor Dumbledore. And this is, you mentioned this earlier on an episode about Padfoot and I was like, who the fuck is Padfoot? Padfoot is Sirius Black. Yes. Cause they all have like little, little nicknames for each other. Codenames, right. It's kinda hot. What's my codename? Your codename Kid Next Door. Uh, shout out to that show. I actually did see that. Good show.
00:32:09
Speaker
What would your codename be? You could be long sack. I would definitely be long s sack. Long sack's fine. You'd be... Hmm. I don't know if I can think of one.
00:32:22
Speaker
bloody stool off the bloody stool would be good off the rip. I was thinking Roadhouse chili. we We haven't told that story in the podcast yet. I don't even go lie. I had it. Uh, I had Roadhouse chili a week ago and we you could just be a Tex like Texas. Yeah. Tex or Tex. That shit fucked my stomach up, but I didn't shit myself this time. So we tell a story or should we save it? I feel like we should save it for the right opportunity.
00:32:49
Speaker
Okay, I mean I wonder when it's gonna come up again, but I don't know yeah probably long You probably be like big techs or like yeah I don't know I got think up if you guys have any good codenames for us write it in the chat leaky shitter chat You know like the leaky cauldron leaky cauldron. Yeah leaky hole um They're in the ah I don't know this it looks like it's like the subway lobby essentially and even and Harry talks to ah Sirius who transforms out of his like dog form dog form. And Sirius gives Harry a picture of the original Order of the Phoenix. We see a picture of ah Neville's parents and Harry's parents.
00:33:33
Speaker
And then it cuts to Harry who's getting on the Hogwarts Express and he sees Voldemort who's just he's wearing his Sunday best, dude He's like he's going to a fucking funeral. Yeah. ah Yeah Harry's funeral right possibly You think you'd show up? What do you think you'd say?
00:33:53
Speaker
He's funeral will be crazy. Yeah. The boy who died tried to live. ah Then it cuts and he wakes up on the train. Um, they arrived to Hogwarts and Draco's talking shit. Nothing terrible, but he's just like, I'm shocked to let you come to school. Um, Harry, bro. Yeah. Right. And Harry freaks the fuck out and Ron's like, bro, it's just, it's just Draco, bro.
00:34:24
Speaker
That's what I'm saying, like Harry's so like, he's on his like man period this entire movie. He's agitated. He makes some weird eye contact with Cho. ah Neville shows up and Harry sees, I mean, what would you call this without using the actual name? It looks like the skeleton of a horse. Yeah, like a dead horse, like a zombie horse. That pulls the carriage and the rest of the group doesn't see anything. And here we get the entrance of vol Luna Lovegood.
00:34:53
Speaker
um who tells Harry that he's not crazy and she sees them too. My favorite. Well, one of my favorite characters. Hermione introduces her almost as Looney Lovegood. Yeah, she's a little whacked out, but I like him crazy. A little whacked out. Yeah, a little whacked out and get banged out. You know what I'm saying? She agreed. Yeah, I mean, well, next movie, she's not.
00:35:19
Speaker
She wears some charm. I didn't get the name of that to keep the Nargles away. And Nargles is like a running bit because no one knows what a Nargle is. If I was to use Nargles, I would refer to that as my balls, maybe my Nargles. Yeah, kind of like your Nards, right? Right. That's what I would refer to them as. Or it's like an STD. I got the Nargles.
00:35:38
Speaker
I just want to say, you got you know you have your your cornerstones of every Harry Potter movie, right? You got your Draco talking shit scene. ah You also always get your ah yourre your morning announcements from Dumbledore. Every fucking movie has fucking announcements. Basically like explaining what's going on this year.
00:36:00
Speaker
right uh he announced that Hagrid is on temporary leave and one Dolores Umbridge aka Madam Undersecretary is the new Dada teacher if you don't know what Dada is go back and listen to our old episode you fuck it's defense against the dark arts it's just too much to say uh Snape being happy by the way we didn't describe well now is the time to do it Dolores Umbridge is dressed in all pink all the time Yeah, she's like she's working like gray scale black and she's like all pink. Yeah, what's that guy's name?
00:36:36
Speaker
He made that song all gold everything gold all on my watch. I can look. Oh, Trinidad Trinidad, James Trinidad, Jamie, that's a shout out. Trinidad, James shout out his run. Check out the playlist. Check out yet me. That's on playlist.
00:36:54
Speaker
Yeah, that was, I still have it. Yeah. Put it on my playlist. Okay. Snaping happy. He's like giving her fucking side eye. And why this is kind of weird. he Dumbledore introduces Umbridge and while he's talking, she interrupts him. She stands up. And she goes to the podium and basically says nothing.
00:37:17
Speaker
um Right we we cut to Harry and Hermione who were it like sitting at the at the dining room table dining room table at one of the tables in the dining hall And he points out that this is the bitch from the ministry and Hermione says that the ministry is interfering with Hogwarts Okay, so it's like government coming after the schools um We cut to Harry entering the Gryffindor dormitory, and everyone's looking at him funny. And Seamus decides to speak up and says, mother didn't want him coming back because... Hey, my mom didn't want me coming back to Hogwarts this year because of you, Harry. The prophet, the daily prophet, the newspaper, is basically slandering fucking Harry's name. And Sirius Plaxing, for that matter. um And he also points out that no one was there the night that Cedric died besides Harry, and all of a sudden you just came back and Cedric's dead.
00:38:10
Speaker
You know? It's all fucked up. I actually enjoy this a lot. Harry calls his mom stupid because his stupid mom is reading the stupid newspaper and believing it. A little childish. Yeah. She could have been like, fuck you. Fuck your mom. I mean, call it somebody's mom's stupid. It's kind of crazy. But so Seamus is still talking shit, and Ron comes in. He's like, and y'all got a problem with Harry? You got a problem with me. But Ron's kind of a pussy, so I don't think that would really change my mind much. But they all kind of break off. They're like, whoa, he's got another guy.
00:38:41
Speaker
in his corner. That's what Jeffrey Epstein said to his billionaire buddies.
00:38:48
Speaker
He got another guy. By the way, just wait till we get to Half-Blood Prince. What the fuck is Boris Slughorn, bro? Call for a chance because we got one. We fucking got one, dude. What was that? I'm Chris Hanson.
00:39:07
Speaker
ah we So, Ron and Harry go upstairs and Harry snaps at Ron. He's like, you all right, dude? He's like, I know it's the same with being a kind of a fucking ah bitch. And Ron's like, Harry's like, I'm fine. Fucking leave me alone. He's like, ah he's not into emo shit, bro, I'll be honest. Yeah, he should bring the haircut back for this movie. I agree, but different. He should like bring the Bieber cut.
00:39:30
Speaker
Where are you?
00:39:33
Speaker
um And he continues to hear ah voices in the head and he sees visions of a dark hallway, which spoiler alert is in the ministry wall. um ah well We cut to Dada class and Umbridge is there talking about the ordinary wizarding levels or the owls, which are tests like the regions and Right. Fucking. I'm not gonna shout the regions. Fuck the regions. regionions I hate those ass Yeah, I mean that's a big ol skip ah She tells them to study or there's a severe consequence And the ministry has laid out a new curriculum
00:40:10
Speaker
and Hermione points out there's no actual defense spells and Umbridge was like, why would you need to use them? Like she laughs at her. Um, and she says that the ministry thinks that the theoretical knowledge of using spells is good enough. And this is like fucking, it's like really makes you hate her. She goes, why would children get attacked at Well, I want words and Harry's like Voldemort. You fuck ah because I'm here. I'm the chosen one. Umbridge tries to ah deny Voldemort ever existing. And ah Harry's like, so Cedric just died. He just fucking natural causes. It was a tragic accident. And then she's like raises her voice and she's like silence.
00:40:59
Speaker
um And she gives Harry detention and asked him to see her later in her office. How you darn Don't don't fuck that Harry. I'm gonna lie though. Umbers got that dump truck. She do but I mean, that's it, right? You got to hit it from the back You can't look at her in the face. No, also, I wouldn't want to hear her in her high-pitched voice moaning. It kind of grossing me out That's kind of yeah, it's low gross. Yeah Uh, we cut to her office, which is the walls are pink. She has, uh, plates that are, have her like, I guess her past previous cats on them. RIP cats. Yeah. And she's adding a shit ton of sugar into her drink. And the sugar's pink. Yeah, very odd. Um, and she gives Harry a quill to write lines on pay on parchment.
00:41:48
Speaker
The line is I must tell no lies because he apparently lied reminds me of the like the ah Bart Simpson punishment. We're like he's got a writing board Except this is pretty brutal ah Yeah, he's like there's no ink and she's like you don't need anything. Don't worry about it And as he's writing it engraves on his skin what he's writing on the parchment. So it's like using his own blood There's some deep shit I don't I mean that's possible. I don't know if the paper actually writes anything though That's true. Like when he actually like uses it so I mean it could that'd be pretty sick use your blood as ink It's fucking metal more to be the first time we've seen that Chamber of Secrets. Okay. Yeah, yeah So she's stand there while he's like
00:42:36
Speaker
Essentially cutting himself. Yeah, he's like painting on his emo shit and she says that he knows deep down inside. He deserves to be punished um It's just some fucking stupid shit man buckle bro, don't my heart. Yeah, you're gonna hold it. I'll tell him Hot take incoming All-time villains Okay, um bridge across across any uh franchise platform anything you want okay okay star wars marvel fucking long legs like whatever any movie you want you know i mean um bridge top 10 villain now you want to hear a hotter take sure um bridge is worse in voldemort how's that i
00:43:30
Speaker
It's this movie or the next one, Voldemort's just not in it. He's in this one. It's the next one then. he's just i'm so So today behind the scenes we're recording Order of the Phoenix and Half Blood Prince today. So i'm a little i watch both them yeah I'm a little mixed up on the details. I think Umbridge is a better villain than Dumbledore. is double doorre oh i mean I think she's a better villain than Voldemort. I think low-key Voldemort's kind of weak-sauce villain, I'll be honest.
00:44:00
Speaker
Because he's not there. He doesn't have a lot of screen time. And I mean, no doubt he torments Harry, but I'm just kind of a cunt. I find her more hateable. I would say of all like ah fictional characters, as far as like hateability, she's like top five. Like, oh, she's definitely hateable. Like hate, hate the spy. I hate her. I think she's more of a menace than than Voldemort is. I'll be honest. Because it doesn't show up.
00:44:29
Speaker
Yeah. If he was there, he'd be fucking killing people left and right. I mean, she'd really shut it down, you know what I mean? She's like, hey, yo, shut it down. OK. I don't know. Anyway, that's my high take. Let me know what you guys think or don't, whatever. Don't be a fuck.
00:44:47
Speaker
We cut to George and Fred, who they've started their own business selling these snack boxes. I didn't catch the name of it, but who cares? Who cares? We cut and Hermione sees Harry's hand and he's like, you need to report this.
00:44:59
Speaker
um
00:45:02
Speaker
And she's like, I don't know why Harry doesn't want to report it. And she's like, this is pretty easy. Just go report it. And he's like, you don't know me. I know. You think you know me. ah I should have thought that. Sorry, I do know you. I've known you for the past five years. We've been through shit together. If you haven't been fucking paying attention, you idiot. Everything that happens to you happens to me. And she's like, explain it. And he just walks off.
00:45:28
Speaker
Here he goes, running away from his feelings. The only person, this really pissed me off too. The only person Harry wants to talk to is the one guy he barely knows, which is serious. Right. Like, this guy's not around for you. You barely know him. He's kind of like the father that left, you know? He's never there. Right. Harry writes the Padfoot, and he literally says in his letter that he's all alone.
00:45:55
Speaker
i Was so mad that he said like your friends are literally trying to help you and you don't want their help and you're complaining that you're alone like you don't talk an idiot and You don't get me Then fucking tell me I don't yeah, then he walks into the woods and he runs into Luna Lovegood with these dead animal drawings And she has those shoes on because somebody took them and these drawings are called Festrels and Which sounds like somebody who might be mixed as far as their gender. a thesterl but yeah i' got i identify as a thester And the reason why Harry and Luna can see thestral is because they've been near death or seen death.
00:46:37
Speaker
um And Luna shares a story that she saw her mom die casting a spell incorrectly which some real shit I mean Ron could have fucking doubt his broken-ass wand. That's true. You know um Yeah, she she she basically like offed herself accidentally And she also shares that her and her dad believe Harry about Voldemort and the ministry is conspiring against him and Well that's nice, at least someone fucking believes in me. And Harry says here, I wrote this down to make sure, he says she's the only one, like Hermione and Ron are in his corner. They're trying bro, you're shutting them down. It's just like, he acts like certain... I know my rating is gonna be like, how do you justify your rating? Harry's a fucking idiot in all these movies, so I'm pretty sure my rating on all these films is gonna go up in a half star, cause it's a given he's gonna be a fucking retard.
00:47:27
Speaker
Just a given he's gonna be fucking retarded. He's retarded in every single movie. That's true i text kind of got that regarded face two' like Bro he's got that fucking autistic haircut like in every movie. I think he's the dumbest character Yeah, he is like what name him name a smart decision that Harry Potter's made I He just listens to people say shit and then and then he does some ah like brave act Which in reality could be looked at as stupid because you could die from doing race You're really gonna die doing this and you're doing the anyways. It's not brave. It's only brave because you survived We've asked about that. It's brave because you survived and You always have help. It's never you doing everything you always have help Yeah, bro
00:48:12
Speaker
so So... You didn't even fight Voldemort by yourself. Your fucking parent ghost came and, like, distracted him. Yeah, and that fucking other random person. Who was it? Oh, the caretaker. The caretaker, yeah. I know that fucking guy he helped you. Yeah. um That's another cornerstone of Harry Potter movies, Harry being a fucking idiot. The last cornerstone, in case you're wondering, I just completely blanked. Oh, is ah people telling Harry how great his parents were and how much he looks like them? Those are your four cornerstones of a Harry Potter movie. You got to have those in every single movie. Every single one.
00:48:46
Speaker
ah So much like your father and you have your mistake Yeah, that's okay, bro um So Harry tells Luna that she's the only one which is so fucking fake And Luna says that Voldemort wants me to feel that way um We cut the dining hall and Hermione calls out Ron for eating so much food um Harry Potter shows up. They have an awkward Interaction nice little Harry ball before you and we overhear McGonagall calling out um bridge and calling around for her methods. um I guess she found out about the handwriting thing. yeah And Umbridge says but that by questioning her own authority in her classroom, she's questioning the ministry, which is questioning the minister. And she will not tolerate this and accuses McGonagall of being disloyal. Out of everybody, McGonagall disloyal?
00:49:44
Speaker
Yeah, I mean McGonagall's that bitch. Shout out Maggie Smith. We shout out every episode. R.I.P. R.I.P. But shout out to you again. And I didn't get this. She's appointed. What is the position she's appointed? It's not headmaster because she gets appointed. So she gets promoted to some position to the point where where Dumbledore still has a little bit of power, but not like much. She's overseas. Like she's like if Dumbledore is still headmaster, she's like his boss. Yeah, which doesn't make any fucking sense.
00:50:12
Speaker
uh she we cut and there's a montage of her like kind of observing classes she observes uh professor trelawney this part i'll be honest with you i think she's valid bro she's like can you predict something and trelawney she's like she's like anything well yeah her core her entire class is bullshit I agree with that. I know that's the one thing where I'm like, I'll hear her out. You know what I mean? Well, also, also, I'm going to be on my hear me out cake. I give her the fucking goods. All right. All right. Not enough for the doing doing doing button, but I would show her goods. You're my wand. We made that joke too many times. Right between her. Yes. She also talks to Snape and she's like, you wanted the defense against the dark art position, right? Yes.
00:51:01
Speaker
Steve is so sick of her shit. It's like you know get in there. Do you obviously?
00:51:09
Speaker
And this is the beginning of Filch is like her fucking right. Filch has no conscience, no morality. He just goes with whoever is the most powerful. He's like that dude from Ragnarok that helps out ah Helena. but Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just has no conscience. Yeah. He's like um just does does. I mean, he did whatever Dumbledore wanted.
00:51:29
Speaker
Phil starts hanging up proclamations that Umbridge has made. And it's basically like rules, like conduct at the school. um Like the Emancipation Proclamation? That one freed slaves. Right. They're going into slavery. True. they're be that Like Hogwarts is becoming a prison. They're not getting whipped, but I mean, I would argue... I mean, hey, they're torturing people, so... What do you think is, like, do you think the Cruciatus Curse is worse than getting whipped? Yeah, probably. Alright.
00:51:58
Speaker
um Maybe I don't know I've never been whipped Maybe you want to hide there.
Harry's Leadership and Emotional Struggles
00:52:03
Speaker
He didn't you'll never you'll never know again I'm still waiting for a guy for someone to sex to me try to make me gay with the fuck come on guys um She's been endorsed by fudge and there was this crazy part where she takes flip wicks height and What the fuck? That's like so offensive. I verbally said, I was like, hey, don't treat, don't treat Warwick Davis like that. All right. What the fuck? Why did he sign up for that? She's like, she's like, Hey, you're going to be this movie for five minutes and we're just going to take your height.
00:52:34
Speaker
He's like and you're gonna make like five million dollars. That's probably why he did it. Yeah ah We cut and this seems I think is actually very well done we cut to Trelawney who has been fired and Cast out of Hogwarts in the Hulk like they're in the courtyard the entire like school is essentially watching her get fired It's kind of fucked up. She's been there for 16 years. It's like all she knows Enter Dumbledore on his big dick energy, but this entrance was fire Um, and he asked McGonagall to escort Trelawney back inside. Um, and she, he says that, uh, you're, if you want to fire my staff, you can fire him, but you will not banish, uh, anybody from the grounds as long as I have power. So basically like instead of her being homeless, Dumbledore is like, yeah, you can live here.
00:53:22
Speaker
That's for yeah yeah, she fucking deserves that. Yeah, big dick energy. Oh, then he turns he turns around and he's like, shouldn't you guys all be studying? Oh, and Harry chases after him, but Dumbledore ignores him. He definitely hears him, but he's like, can you leave me the fuck alone? but Really like the what Dumbledore is going for in this movie? I think it completely fucking missed, but really?
00:53:49
Speaker
What trying to have like what he reveals to the end like he's trying to avoid Harry to. Yeah, he's trying to save him. Yeah, but the exact the whole point was Voldemort wants to get Harry alone and Dumbledore leaving Harry on his own makes him more vulnerable. Yeah, but the only reason that Voldemort won't attack Harry is because Dumbledore is there. But I don't get how Dumbledore distancing himself from Harry encourages or discourages Voldemort. He doesn't want to get attached.
00:54:21
Speaker
What? He doesn't want Harry to get attached to him, even though he already is. He's already sucking his dick! Right. But that's what he's that's what he's doing. He's like, Harry, he needs to stay the fuck away. This is definitely the notice Dumbledore makes when he gets sucked off. He's like, bro, just fucking study for once. Jesus Christ, just do your schoolwork. yeah I'll be honest, of of all the times that Harry's needed Dumbledore, this is probably the most crucial part.
00:54:46
Speaker
Up to this movie. I'm not saying like the whole franchise. I'm saying up to this point. I mean, eventually Dumbledore does come around, but he kind of has to. I'm just saying like he didn't, like he should have, Harry's very confused, not sexually, but- He might be sexually confused. Well, I mean, he's choosing between a young underage redhead and a Chinese. Is he Chinese? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Assuming Asian gender. I- Asian gender? What's- Asian gender!
00:55:16
Speaker
I don't know. Can we somebody pull it up? and Let me see. I have her right. Is Cho. What's going on here? ah You want something even more crazy or letterbox says that she's Scottish. Ain't no way her name. Oh my God. Her name is Cho Chang. Cho Chang. Either way, I don't think I necessarily agree with Dumbledore's.
00:55:42
Speaker
or if you agree with it, you're thinking on leaving space, distancing himself from here when Harry literally just watched a classmate get murdered by Voldemort. He almost got murdered by Voldemort. She's 37. Yeah, I know. I fucking get it, dude. I hate my fucking rod, dude. She's way older. But either way, I don't agree with this. So he he ignores ah Harry. We cut the dorms and ah we hear fudge over the radio, uh, blaming serious for the, all the issues. Um, and serious pops up in the fire. This fire animation, not as good as the last one. No, it's worse. It's fucking terrible. I'll be fuck you doing this. Yeah. Um, but Harry tells serious or the other way around, whatever this fucking says, I think it's Harry. He tells a serious, they're not allowing the students learn magic or combat. Um, and this is where serious says the order isn't doing well.
00:56:41
Speaker
um And he's kind of on his own Harry's on his own and he just disappears So now now it's just like up to Harry to teach the students He's like I can't fucking do that. It's crazy. He's I'm the fucking stupidest one here Yeah, and then you know, I'm the chosen one. Did you catch this? They're in Hogsmeade No slip signed You know what the Harry Harry slip never got signed and I'm not talking about pop and cherries.
00:57:08
Speaker
So now he's just slipping into the Hogsmeade. Bro, I want to sign- I want to fucking sign Chose Slip. Hey, how you doing? So they're in some- they're in some fucking building in Hogsmeade that's been abandoned. Um, and they nominate Harry to teach the students because he has real dad-dad experience. Yeah, but does he? No, but he has more than they do.
00:57:33
Speaker
he He does he doesn't but he hasn't bought Voldemort But this dumbass use expelliarmus when he's using avada cadaver use something else Harry um but zoom But you will say um In this scene Harry does he's like I got lucky and Hermione's like no you didn't he's like no I did I got lucky, bro. I he's he finally, he acknowledges, I haven't done shit. i' bet I've had help this entire time. And that's why this movie's good. so But ah the class doesn't buy either. And ah they they're trying to probe at what happened with Cedric. He's like, I'm not going to fucking talk about it. And he tries to go storm off.
00:58:20
Speaker
um He's like they just think I'm a freak and he goes to leave and Luna asked she's like is it true you can produce a patronus chum and Her mind is like yep. I've seen it. saw Fuck saw it. You fucking showed me you jealous and that was like also he killed a basilisk That's facts with that handle which Neville was not there for but you have I guess yeah, no talk of the town That's like the only thing Harry actually did by himself No, cuz he had Dumbledore's help Fox
00:58:52
Speaker
yeah fox blinded it he tom ray was like let me see your wa bro um
00:59:00
Speaker
but ao like hold off walk go quick but say i used to kill you let me get that Right? like That's crazy. he's like at He's like, I don't know, I just picture someone like, but when you have a pack of gum. Ayo, let me get a piece. yeah if He's that wand, bro. And for the listener, he wasn't asking to fucking see Harry's piece. He was asking to see Harry's wand. His literal wand. His literal fucking wand. um So again, Harry admits it's, bit you know, it's all luck. He's always had help. um But
00:59:37
Speaker
They've never been in a life or death situation and they might be going forward. So the students end up coming around and sign up on the walk back Hermione points of the show loves him, but it's not going to matter in the next movie. So who cares? Joe wants to see your Harry Potter. And they're talking about where to have his Harry Bopper. Yeah.
00:59:57
Speaker
ah They're talking about where to have these like classes and it pans up to see Umbridge who's standing like at the top of Hogwarts. It's like in the clock tower. Yeah. Where Harry was, not the clock tower, Harry was jerking off. A different one. Right, different one. There's a lot of towers at Hogwarts. It's a castle. It is a castle.
01:00:17
Speaker
And you see her talking to Filch, but there's no audio. And the next rule that's been instated is no student groups or clubs. Like this bitch is just clamping down on everything. And we see Neville who walks by a wall that slowly like starts to crumble and turn into a gate. um And this is the a room of requirements. This is the room of requirement.
01:00:40
Speaker
um And it only shows up for people who are in real need of it. So What I'm saying is and Frank could have used the room of requirement, right? Should be like no way Hitler would have found her bro Not all the do you think the room requirement could get so big to fit all the Jews that were trying to hide? Maybe but would it be like but like that tent?
01:01:02
Speaker
Yeah, like that 10 or do you think like if Hitler walked by it, right? It'd be like I found all the Jews He does need all the Jews, but the rumor requirement does seem to have some kind of moral Compass, right? Yeah, I mean cuz like I didn't show it to um bridge. It doesn't show it to Filch or drink Oh, right but in the next movie The room requirement returns, and Draco's using that shit. So what the fuck? Continuity hole. Maybe there- I mean, you can't pay it. You can't fuck it. Well, I guess you could. You can fuck what? If you needed the room of requirement, and the wall just opened to a glory hole. That'd be amazing. Dude! Were you just fucking a hole, or is there someone's mouth on the other side? Who gives a sh- What if they just open, like, lubed up?
01:01:49
Speaker
Will lubed up like concrete hole like as as neville walks by actually and Just see fucking lubes spitting out his hole and and fucking neville's they're like rubbing it like this and he's like Oh, he's like, yeah, this is moist. He sticks his dick in there. You want to see my long bottom? I just row I'm just saying that I feel like if you were a really horny student I didn't get any and you walked by the room requirement maybe though It wouldn't open up into like a gate. It would just open up into a little hole. You could just fuck that hole. I mean, I'm down. I mean, because Ron did say if I have to use the toilet, will it? And then Hermione's like, yeah, you're right. Technically. Technically, yeah. Technically, if i need if I really needed to get sucked off, you know? Right. Maybe it would open up to like... I don't think it could produce people. I think it could produce like things. Object space. like Space.
01:02:47
Speaker
Yeah, is that the dummy in the room requirement? Did it produce that? I'm gonna drag it shit in there ain't no way to drag that shit in there because that people would see him You're right um So there's a montage Harry sees teaches the students or his classmates how to do expelliarmus Phil sees them sneaking in ah And here we get the return of Stupefy, which he teaches Nigel. If you're sick of that button, get ready to do it, because it's not going to stop. We get a little duel between Ron and Hermione, and Ron says he'll go easy on her. And she fucking nails him, motherfucker. We see Filch, who's waiting for this door to open, but the students just escape around the corner.
01:03:39
Speaker
That's kind of dope. Like they know, like the rumor requirement knows. So it makes a back door. That's what I mean. Like, if you know, you gotta get, you know, want to get sucked. Be like, and then like, if someone's coming, it just sucks you all the way into the room. So you don't get caught. Oh, that'd be awesome. Or it's like, I really want an anus and then an anus appears like fucking low butt sex. It's tighter. Why is my dick burn afterwards? What? Why is it burn?
01:04:05
Speaker
Brown, I said brown. Brown? Oh, because it's a shitty, it's a shitty anus. Get it, poop. Get it, poop? Don't do anal. It's gross. I've never done anal, but I don't think I'm interested. I did it once by accident. Oh, I've i've heard this story. OK.
01:04:20
Speaker
um
01:04:22
Speaker
The students are getting questioned about this room, about this these these secret club. We cut back in Harry and Cho, make some weird eye contact while she's like,
01:04:34
Speaker
when Guardian Leviosa ing Nigel. That's true. Shadow Nigel. And then she just. This is the thing. Why is that other curse ah forbidden? But that's allowed. That's true, because you are like literally controlling him. Yeah. Where's fucking polls, bro? Poking polls and holes in the polls. And we're not poking holes in the requirement. Not yet. Not yet. Oh, I'm so i actually I think I'd call.
01:05:03
Speaker
Dude, a room to just jerk off in could be called the requirement. I would love that i'm required to have this room. I don't know about you, but I hate the fact that like I have to bust onto something to like clean it up, right? Because you don't want to just bust, right? So like if I just busted all over the floor, the next time I come in is, is it like self cleaning?
01:05:24
Speaker
Is my nut not going to be laying there? It could be or you could be like Mrs. Weasley to have a thing that like just cleans lecture the pots like clean the pots just maybe a mop that just cleans the floor when you're gone. Maybe it's a lot of magic for some ah student to have though. I feel like it's like background magic you have like to have stuff going on in the background like in your subconscious going on. That's crazy. That's crazy powerful. I feel like right but. um Enough about nutting on floors. I do feel like
01:05:55
Speaker
The room requirement, is as much as I know about it, it provides what you need. So if you need to get jerked off or you need that company off the floor, so you can jerk off again. Theoretically. It would clean it up theoretically. Be like, Oh, I'm still horny. And then it can like recharge you so you can just go again. See that I don't know about. I feel like that's the line. That's a little too much. Not not like I'd have to cut it. Like, I mean, like, that's like where the room requirement price stops.
01:06:22
Speaker
Right, like I'm not that I'm not that powerful. Yeah, like I can give you a fucking clean room every time you're in here. Okay, I'm your cum. I'm Mr. The requirement to come dumpster you heard it here first heard it here ah Tweet at JK Rowling the room requirement is a calm dumpster
01:06:44
Speaker
We the rest this montage is George and Fred distracting Filch with these snacks um and then we hear the announcement of the Inquisitor squad um To help find the secret club and it's all Slytherin led by by Draco like the KKK hunting down the blacks Or the Nazis hunting the Jews. It's right We get all the students learn stupefied
01:07:12
Speaker
and And... diminuendo, which is a... For the record, Stupify's not getting the Alakazam button, it's just getting this. It's getting the real button. I just get metal, dude. That's fucking disturbed, dude. Still metal, dude.
01:07:31
Speaker
um Filchin is fucking crew of Southern boys. That's Paul. What do you mean by that? They see the door open to the requirement and they run after but it closes and they end up running into a mop closet. ah Neville finally gets his Expelliarmus down. um a zoom Good for you, Neville.
01:07:53
Speaker
took lot enough And then Harry announces there's no more meetings so after the holiday um And he's just making eyes with Cho again who's like loitering after class to talk to him And we see here Ginny's a little jealous She should be um That's my bopper. Hey, yo, they we Hermione's like go fucking talk to her you pussy So you already fucking face Voldemort. You can't fucking talk to a girl, you pussy. Exactly. He's got he has a one on one with Cho and she's like, you're a really good teacher. but this I wrote down Spank me, Daddy, because like this is like this is literally a porn set up or. Yeah. Yeah. But she's also like looking at the picture the picture of Cedric because like they were fucking the last movie. So like. Yeah. last money He goes on to explain to. Yeah. Right. Because ah Harry's like, hey, just so you know, like Cedric was like really good, like really good.
01:08:45
Speaker
He dicked me down so good. He dicked me down in that fucking maze. You think show was in the maze? Oh, he got kicked out by Cedric in the maze. He was bewitched and he just fucked me. Cedric's like, hold this cup, it's gonna take my load. Hold this goblet. Hold this goblet, I'm gonna bust.
01:09:08
Speaker
Anyway, magically. Anyway, Harry, we're gonna grab it together. Hey. A one-handed, and you are the hand. My cock is massive, Harry. Oh my god. Harry, it's a portkey. There is a mistletoe, and this is a porn set up, but, uh, they kiss. Um, but do make they do have a little kiss, but I'm trying to get my Nargles kissed, you know what I mean?
01:09:37
Speaker
Yeah, it wasn't hot like I couldn't jerk off to it. No underage still remember I'll actually show is of age Harry's well Harry is it bad if it's a I guess it is It's bad either way. It's a bad. Yeah, it's just their kids Even if you're not attracted to men, it's still bad in the next movie like Jimmy's younger than Harry That's the thing too. What is Jimmy's age in the next movie? Is that okay? I don't think so. She might be like 14, dude Right. Well, she's 14 right now. I mean she got little speed bumps. I She do. I mean, even Hermione's got speed bumps though. She ain't, she ain't chesty. she We ain't fucking it. Not yet. Not yet. It's what it is. I like, I like tits guy. I'm a tit guy. um' and So this is my debacle, right? I'm an ass man.
01:10:23
Speaker
like a I'll be honest, I've gotten hard in public off seeing a girl's cheeks. I mean, I like not like her not like bare skin cheeks. I mean, like like seeing a girl walking with with cheeks out. No shit to be like bounce. But the thing too is like I have no interest in eating ass. I have no interest in giving a rim job. I have no interest in anal. Sure. I love a fucking a juicy one. I'm with you, though, but like
01:10:51
Speaker
If they have an ass that's a right to if they have an ass that's a plus I just don't need a little little bee stings, you know When you say bee stings you refer to tits. Yeah butly That's what Jake likes Jake likes no tit women. I'll be honest. That's what I like No, just like Jake like some tit No, I've been attracted to in my past women set women that have smaller tits But it's that one girl that we saw who got the fucking heavies now.
01:11:17
Speaker
You remember? You remember? Yeah, yeah. Was that your Oh apartment? You were like, yeah, you fucked up? Yep. She got the big old fat titties now. That's true. She ain't listening. Who cares? She ain't listening. You can titty fuck her. I'll give her the button. I'll give her the button. Give her the button.
01:11:31
Speaker
No, it's fun. You ain't completely listening. Because, spoiler, more than one girl's got big fat titties in this earth. That's true. I know several. This is the thing, though. Like, if you're a girl and you have issues with your self-image, you could easily just engorgio your tits and just make them bigger. Oh, in the Harry Potter world, yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? In real life, that costs a money. You want a bigger ass? Engorgio. Yeah.
01:11:59
Speaker
That's it. I mean, what else do you want? Bueno. Yeah. So they kiss and we cut back the dorm and Hermione explaining. Oh, they're like, how was the kiss? And he was like, it was wet. Hey, yo, it was wet. She was into it. Are you sure you were kissing the right lips, Harry? Hey, yo, kissing them Nargles, bro. The Nargles.
01:12:26
Speaker
He explains, Hermione explains her emotions, that she's been sad, blah blah blah, who cares. ah And then she tells Ron that he has the range of emotions of a teaspoon, which was funny. I also feel like I have the range of a teaspoon. Yeah, I feel like very little emotion. Can I be honest with you? As far as emotions are concerned, I feel like I have horny and angry, and that's it. I'm not even trying to make a joke, I feel like I genuinely ah feel that way. Yeah, no, mine's like,
01:12:55
Speaker
I'm either like really angry or sad. Yeah, I'm either depressed or I'm fucking angry. Yeah. Well, I guess like, like right now we're not angry or sad. I mean, there's an underlying tone of depression. That's like, you know, that's always there. Right. Like, yeah. Like you fucking suck it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Choke on it. Yeah.
Mind Protection and Christmas Tensions
01:13:25
Speaker
ramo
01:13:30
Speaker
all right okay i didn't we have whole another move i need a minute all right yeah um Harry's having some nightmares, and his visions are of these orbs, these glass balls, I guess, um and Arthur being attacked. And immediately, there's a cut to McGonagall and Ron, who are being escorted. McGonagall and Ron are escorting Harry Potter to Dumbledore's office, because who else would you go talk to besides Dumbledore himself? He's, like, geeked out. He's, like, sweating. Geek.
01:14:12
Speaker
um Dumbledore was asking who was in here or where Harry was in his dream and Harry can't tell him i At first I was like dude, what the fuck but then later Harry's like I intentionally didn't tell him so it's fine Dumbledore tells these paintings that ah to go spread the word about Arthur Weasley that he's hurt his whole time. He's not even looking at a ah Harry and Harry finally yells at him. He's like look at me that
01:14:44
Speaker
That's a good scene. It hits. It hits hard. Because it's like vol it's like kind of like Voldemort's like anger is like coming through Harry. Like Anakin when he slaughtered the fucking sand people? Yeah. Yeah, OK. Severus showed up, and he's like, you called? And Dumbledore's like, listen, dude, we can't wait. Not even until morning, so. We cut to Snape, who's dragging Harry into his little office.
01:15:10
Speaker
um and he says there's a link between Harry's mind and and Voldemort's mind and Essentially, they're all just hoping Voldemort hasn't figured that out yet, right because he could like control Harry right um And he talks about how last time Snape talks about last time when Voldemort was in power he would invade People's minds and just torment them until I went fucking crazy um And he's gonna toast Everest he's gonna teach him occupancy which Is not a spell or a charm, but it's like essentially how to defend your mind against being being evaded, right? um And Snape gonna try to get in there he' He's trying to get up in Harry. Yeah, he's trying to get up in here. So let me see that head.
01:15:57
Speaker
um He uses... said You almost said fucking dick. You think you could he could probably fucking see memories of Harry like jerking off? Like your first memory of coming? You could probably see that. Probably. And Harry's like... It's personal.
01:16:16
Speaker
Just see Harry in the in the owl-clocked fucking tower from books in the last movie. He's like, whoa. I thought that was owl shit. It's just Harry's cum. Snape's like, eww. Chew. Interesting. but I never knew you were into Asians Potter. Eww. Eww.
01:16:46
Speaker
look i oh
01:16:54
Speaker
i know
01:17:04
Speaker
ah
01:17:06
Speaker
mr oh
01:17:11
Speaker
I should make that sound, we have the Dumbledore one and that one and's stain blood oh um
01:17:21
Speaker
Wow, I'm crying. Okay, so Snape uses Legilimens. Legilimens, I can't say this word. Wegmans. like look a zoom to And he gets into Harry's mind, no problem.
01:17:37
Speaker
um He ain't fightin' it. No. He ain't fightin' it! um And ah there's a weird cut, it just kind of pans out to the like Hogwarts, and then it's Christmas time. And they're at the Weasleys, or the they're at the Order, I guess, and Arthur's been fucking beaten.
01:18:03
Speaker
um And it's just the Weasleys, and then Hermione shows up. Hermione's always chillin' with Ron. That's true, like, they're- I mean... They fuckin'. I'll be honest, my fuckin' chest still hurts from the last joke we just made. Um, they exchange Christmas gifts, Harry walks in, Arthur gives a toast to him for saving his life, uh, Sirius Black shows up and he's just givin' Harry a bunch of wings. She's like, yeah, hey Harry, how you doin'?
01:18:29
Speaker
um we We cut to Preacher who's being rude as fuck to Harry. I'm seriously black if you know what I'm saying. got a serious like black ah ah Oh, fuck. That's that was great. ah Harry's in a he's in a random room in the order and preachers being rude as fuck. And and find we find out here ah he serves the black family, serious blacks family and serious. Yep. Yep. Get it out of the way.
01:19:08
Speaker
Alright So this room has like his entire serious blacks entire family tree painted on it Yeah, um and some people's faces have been blacked out like his right Because he ran away from home and his mother did that um and Harry's like where'd you hang out? He's like with your parents, dude yeah Here's the other cornerstone of a Harry Potter movie. We do see a ah drawing, painting, whatever this is, a Bellatrix infant. Right. um He says that his parents were plurbable pure blooders, meaning like I wrote that like they were in favor they were in favor of pure bloods. They didn't like mud bloods. They were racist.
01:19:54
Speaker
Harry tells serious now and didn't tell fucking Dumbledore but tell serious that He was the snake in his vision. So Arthur Weasley was getting attacked by a snake Nagini probably Probably and he's like I didn't tell Dumbledore, but I was the snake. He's like I'm worried. I'm becoming like him and He's like I'm fucking angry all the time and uh black's like no dude you're a good person and he's like good bad things happen to you you know he's like we all have light and dark inside of us yeah all right Hermione comes in and kind of ruins their conversation we gotta go now uh we go back to school and Hagrid is back what and Umbridge is up in his crib asking where he's been hey yo she's like the dark force needs to be tended to
01:20:45
Speaker
Uh, Hagrid does have, uh, right. Uh, sponsors. He has a scar on his head. Uh, and Umbridge, she's like, don't even bother unpacking your fucking, you're done dead. It's fucked up. Um, she leaves and, uh, Ron Harry and Hermione enter and, uh, Hagrid tells them that he was sent by Dumbledore to parlay with, uh, the giants and not the New York giants, which are my favorite football team.
01:21:12
Speaker
Unfortunately, RIP. And while he was there, the Death Eaters were also trying to bargain with the Giants. And he said, it's not sure if it worked. um
01:21:24
Speaker
And the scar, he they asked him, like is that where the scar is from? He's like, no, not from that. And then there is a rumble of thunder. We cut, and there is a prison break at Azkaban. And we see, you know what? That is a rut row.
01:21:40
Speaker
The problem is I have I have rut row all the way in the left and then I have Dumbledore all the way on the right. Mm hmm. I got to like I got to scroll because I can't make the screen big enough pause. That's not that's not a pause at all, actually. Oh, this should work, though. Let's try this out. OK.
Umbridge's Downfall and Fred & George's Rebellion
01:22:01
Speaker
um And then there's a ah montage of newspaper clippings essentially fudge-blamed Sirius Black Who is Bellatrix's cousin for the breakout because he's already broken out once so obviously he's behind this right He's not in Azkaban, but he can just walk up in there and break everybody out right yeah easily We cut and the students are reading the news in the dining hall and Seamus apologizes to Harry And he says that his mom's come around and says that doesn't all add up. No shit could told you that I
01:22:31
Speaker
ah we cut Oh, I forgot I did this. I made room of requirement ROR in my notes and I was like, what does that mean? We cut to the room of requirement where we find out ah Neville tells Harry that Bellatrix used the Cruciatus curse on his parents and tortured them for info and they never gave anything up. And he goes, but I don't think I want to tell everybody yet.
01:22:54
Speaker
So the why the fuck did you tell me? That's the thing. Everyone just gossip to Harry. I don't get it. Yeah. What are they seeing him? He's God. We cut to ah Harry teaching the entire class the Patronus charm. And do you remember how hard it was from the produce Patronus charm? Yeah, but everybody's just magically doing it. He's doing it. No problem. They probably have happy memories. He doesn't get expect the Patronum to your point. He probably has no happy memories. Yeah. 100%. Um,
01:23:25
Speaker
Suddenly, the lights go out and the mirrors in the room requirement, they all shatter. And there's a little hole in the gate of the room requirement. This is not a glory hole. Unfortunate. And we see Umbridge, and she goes, I'll just take care of it. And she hits a Bombarda Maxima, I believe. Yep, yeah Maxima, which is an Alakazam. I'll blow the fucking doors off this bitch. And they got Cho.
01:23:50
Speaker
Her and Slytherin we cut to Dumbledore's office where Umbridge says these students were a part of Dumbledore's army and they were trying to seize control of the ministry fucking crazy fucking fucking conspiracy um Harry tries to take the blame me like it wasn't it's not Dumbledore's army I did some my own but Dumbledore I wrote but Dumbledore takes it Paul he do Dumbledore definitely fucking takes it it's that one good um Fudge says this is some double on his baller shit, dude he does says Dumbledore is to be sent to Azkaban and Dumbledore says here he goes you seem to be Suffering under the delusion that I'm going to go quietly. He's like, what do you call it go quietly?
01:24:44
Speaker
and Essentially he claps his hands above his head YMCA style, right? I just thought of that and Fox like flies on to the top of his hands and they just burst into flames and disappear So double right out. He's in the run. He's like deuces Umbridge is now made headmaster That's not and she has Phil to take all the paintings down the iconic paintings of Hogwarts down and he like kicks out all the residents in the paintings and And essentially Hogwarts is in lockdown. um We cut to a detention, I assume this is, or it's class, but I think it's detention for them doing that club. And she's, Umbridge is literally sitting on a throne. Yeah, why she's like really full of herself. ah The detention is dismissed and Cho tries to talk to Harry and Harry brushes right by her. Doesn't even fucking look at her. at some That's the right move. Because you think she's a dirty little snitch. I agree with that.
01:25:40
Speaker
Fucking. All right. Don't say that. There you go. Yeah. We cut to the bridge where they all have conversations on. It's like the bridge for conversation. The bridge. And Harry thinks he's made things worse by doing that class. And he still wants to go it alone. He's talking to Hermione if I didn't say that. Then they cut. And Hagrid's there. They go, oh, Hagrid? And then they're walking. And they're like, Hagrid, where are we going? And he won't tell them.
01:26:09
Speaker
um And they enter the dark forest And Hagrid mentions the centaurs are riled up because the ministry has restricted their their space So the centaurs are essentially Native Americans, right? They're like they don't even get a casino to run. They just get fucking land They're like hey get get the fuck out of here And Hagrid's like, you know, I'm probably getting the sack because ah you they've got rid of Dumbledore and Umbridge don't like me. And we meet Hagrid's big baby brother, whose name is Guompy. I thought it was Robbie. No, it's a G. Is it Robbie? It auto corrected my shit to Grassy. So I don't know who is Hagrid's older brother. Or brother, I don't know why I put older.
01:26:58
Speaker
Grop drop, but they call him groppy, right?
01:27:04
Speaker
I Believe it's groppy. I do believe that's the correct Yeah, groppy, I'm pretty sure what it is let us know if you read the books or then who cares He's Hager's half brother I'm sorry and he's basically tied up to a tree and he picks up Hermione and she's like put me down and And, uh, Haggard's like, yeah, put her down, dude. He puts her down, and he gives her a bike handle. BIKE! With a bell on it. Can I fucking put this bike handle in your fucking pussy? And, sure, if you want to. Ring ring. Wanna ride my bicycle? You wanna- You wanna ride my bike, Dyke?
01:27:51
Speaker
Hagrid said he can get food on his own. He just needs some company. We cut to Snape, who ah is all up in Harry's mind. And he's looking at that moment from the the first film when Harry's looking in the mirror at his parents. And he's like, sentimental. And and he talks shit about, he says Harry's just like his dad, he's lazy and arrogant.
01:28:18
Speaker
um And he hits a Legilimens again. I'm so sorry the pronunciation, but also kind of not sorry. um a ka zo Again, Harry can't defend himself. And Snape tells Harry that life isn't fair. And he made sure that his father saw to it.
01:28:38
Speaker
and he calls Harry's father a swine. That's deep. um And he tries the Legilimens again, but Harry hits a protago, which I guess, I don't know. It projects it back. look a zoom ah Yeah, I guess it reverses it, which why doesn't anybody do that for Avadra Kadavra? Yeah, maybe it's too powerful. That's possible. um And we got a little sneak peek in the Snape's mind.
01:29:05
Speaker
And we see that James Potter was a bit of a douche. Yeah, he was, you fucking bullying his ass. Bullied Snape. And he kicks Harry out. Harry's a bit shaken from seeing that because he's built up his father in his mind to like be the perfect person. Sorry, Harry. he's We caught and he sees some students consoling a small boy who's crying from having to fucking engrave, I will not tell lies or whatever the fuck gets to around his hand.
01:29:32
Speaker
Um, and Umbridge walks by and talks shit. She's such a piece of shit. Uh, we cut to, uh, the O.W.L.'s. the o exams motherfua we here There's a big-ass clock behind, uh, Umbridge, which does not look good, but it's going back and forth. Um, we hear a bang at the end of the hallway. Everyone turns and looks at it. Umbridge goes to address it. And Ron, Ron, not Ron, not me. Not Hermione.
01:30:02
Speaker
You. You. Fred and Joe. There you go. They disrupt the owls with on their brooms with fireworks. And they release a big ass firework dragon that like chases Umbridge and disperses um all the proclamations from the wall fall. That looked cool. That was good CGI right there. I agree with that. The dragon you're talking about? Yeah. Yeah. They make a big W in the sky with the fireworks. ah You flip with get a little do a little fist pump. Yeah. Great.
01:30:33
Speaker
That bitch Harry Potter standing outside with the the group and collapses Hermione sees and his vision is of a serious but black being tortured by a Voldemort for a prophecy And he's figured out that Voldemort wants something in Department of Mysteries good for you Harry um And Hermione suggests it's a trap, but it's a trap
01:30:57
Speaker
But Harry Potter is like, what, I'm gonna let him die? He's like, yes. He's like, black's the only family I have. Bro, Hermione and Ron are basically your fucking family. You stay in Ron's house. you you Yeah, you basically live at his house now. You have an open door invitation, dude. He uses the flu network and and he tries to, well, he doesn't use it. He wants to use it in Umbridge's chimney pause. Hey, yo, let me yeah let me give him that chimney, Umbridge. I'll get up in there.
01:31:26
Speaker
you just said You said you're not fucking it, but now you're fucking it? from the but We said from the back. Yeah, that's true. And if I could like, if I didn't have to hear her like stupid fucking high pitched voice, I'd be okay with it. And I know that sounds very misogynistic, but to be honest, her voice is like nails on the chalkboard. Really bad. Probably on purpose. I mean, she's acting, I'm sure. proud I hope so. I hope that's not a real voice. I'd fucking slap the shit out of her.
01:31:51
Speaker
They use Aloha Mora to ah open the door and they argue because Harry doesn't wants to go it alone, um but because they argue they don't go through it in time and Umbridge shows up and Draco has Neville.
01:32:06
Speaker
ah We cut and she's interrogating Harry Potter and she thinks that he was going to see Dumbledore and Snape walks in and she asks Snape for the Virata Serum, which is the truth serum. ah But Snape says she's already used it all interrogating all the students, which is what happened to Cho Chang. Ow. Ow. The Serum is incredibly useful on
01:32:37
Speaker
He says she can't help her unless she wants to just straight up poison Harry and just walks away. And Harry says, he's got Padfoot at that place that's hidden. And Umbridge is like, what the fuck are you talking about, Snape? And he's like, I don't know. He walks away. But I do now. I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to go stroke my shaft.
01:33:00
Speaker
I'm gonna go stroke my shaft to Lily Potter. Um... Umbridge says that she's going to use the Cruciatus Curse on Harry.
01:33:11
Speaker
And her mind is like, don't you fucking dare. And she says that she knows where Dumbledore's secret weapon is. We're not talking about his cock. Although orlthough fortunate would make sense though. It isn't a dark forest. That's true. And Hagrid's dark forest. Oh, the subtitles here, cause they didn't autocorrect this time. The subtitles of the 4k steel book that I have from grub. Call him swampy.
01:33:36
Speaker
Those are the subtitles, though. OK, I'm just saying. Maybe they're using AI for their subtitles. Fuck AI. We don't appreciate that here, ah even though it did generate our logo. I was thinking about we could talk about that after. Never mind. Cut that. I was trying to get wizard hats added onto it and I couldn't do it. Dang. For just for like just for these episodes. But Liam to Guompy and Guompy's not there and she thinks it's set up and she goes, you know what? I really hate children. OK.
01:34:04
Speaker
Good. Wrong job. We hear. Centaurs appear and one fires an arrow at Umbridge who blocks it and she hits an incarcerous, which is an alecazam, and ends up choking out the centaur. How you doing? With like a rope. Maybe he's into it. And Hermione, well, Hermione begs her to stop it.
01:34:27
Speaker
when Glompy shows up and picks her up um and the centaurs start firing arrows at Glompy so he drops Umbridge and they drag Umbridge away and she's never to be seen again. Good. Fuck that bitch. Um, I will say this. I do think her, her ending for such a built up character was kind of weak sauce, but I just, I enjoyed it. She should have avada cadaverid. That's why how she should have died.
01:34:54
Speaker
ah And the football we also missed this part right before she gets dragged off. She's like tell the scent she Umbridge asked Harry to tell the centaurs That she means no harm and Harry says I must not tell lies professor and then she gets dragged off which is fire It's fire cuz you know ah We meet up with Ron Luna Ginny and Neville and Harry still on his shit that I want to go by myself But they're like nope, sorry, we're going with you Uh, they go to London and they all fly on festivals, which has
Department of Mysteries and Battle
01:35:22
Speaker
that makes sense. Cause how's it all? How can they all see them? Yeah. What death have they seen now? All of a sudden who died? They go to the ministry and they arrive at the, the door of the department of ministries, uh, which is from the vision. Um, not vision, like the Marvel character. Well, fuck that guy. Uh, but shout out Paul Bettany. He's a, he's a legend.
01:35:44
Speaker
Harry stands at some, by the way, the Department of Mysteries is just a big-ass room with a bunch of orbs. Yeah. Well, they're people's prophecies, right? Yeah, that's all bullshit, though, you know? Well, it's not, but as of right now, it's all bullshit. You're in control of your own destiny, people. I really am. If I want to jerk off right now, I can. Do it on camera. Right. You're just my load, my cocks are small. Harry stands at an aisle where his prophecy should be, and Neville's able to find ah yeah
01:36:15
Speaker
Harry's ball, Harry's prophecy. He's got your name on it, dude. He grabs it. um And he sees Trelawney, who we hear Trelawney's voice, which is essentially saying like they need each other to live. They both can't live. Like like him in Voldemort. Right. Masked Death Eaters approach. The first one is Lucius, who, which, surprise.
01:36:44
Speaker
um who says ah the vision was bait, Bellatrix shows up and asks Neville how his parents were doing. Fucked. um And Harry's like, if y'all come any closer, I'm going to smash this fucking orb. Don't make me make me cut my own balls off. Neutered. At this point, they're surrounded by Death Eaters, and ah prophecies we find out here are only allowed to be retrieved by those they're made for.
01:37:12
Speaker
Which is what Lucia says and all the answers were in that ball as long as Harry gives it to him. Give me your ball, dude. came to me Give me your ball, Harry. There's a group, a group stupefy session. They all just fucking say stupefy and they want they they go on a run.
01:37:32
Speaker
um
01:37:34
Speaker
Up for a little run. Dude, Luna gets punched like fucking so hard in the mouth. She starts bleeding. And then hits a Levio Corpus, which is now Kazam. That dude goes flying. Do you think Luna Lovegood, the actors, could play Harley Quinn? Yeah, I want that now. I feel like she could cook doing that. She needs to do, like, a Harley Quinn porn. All right.
01:38:00
Speaker
ah Neville hits a... Death ear with a... ah Fuck me. I think it auto corrected. Expelliarmus? No, it's Pacifilis Totalis. Oh yeah, the one where he fucking freezes up and drops. Yes, which we see in the Half-Blood Prince as well.
01:38:19
Speaker
ah
01:38:22
Speaker
They're all surrounded again and hit a big ol' fuckin' Stupify. <unk> They run into Ginny, who hits a reducto, and I have to cut that, because that causes the massive collapse. um And they jump out of, they they run to the exit, they jump out this door, and there's no more platform, that they just fall. And it's like magic, and they their fall's broken, they don't, arresto momentum, I'm pretty sure, is the ah charm. I see a weird passage, and Harry can hear voices, and Luna hears them as well, nobody else does.
01:38:59
Speaker
ah They get attacked by Death Eaters are swarmed and there's a weird archway. um And each Death Eater has one of Harry's friends. And Lucius tells Harry to give him the ball or his friends die. Do it Harry. Don't do it Harry. Neville says don't do it. Harry does it. And the passageway opens and Sirius appears with the rest of the order.
01:39:23
Speaker
There's a full blown wizard fight in this movie that we don't really get besides like one other film. That's true. There's really no battles, which I I respect it. That they don't do it as much. No, that we actually get one. like Oh, yeah, good sure. It looks it looks good. It does also look kind of gay, but what it is looks good. It feels good. It feels like it. Yeah.
01:39:49
Speaker
ah Sirius tells Harry Potter to take his friends and run and let them do the rest, but Harry doesn't leave. Shocker. ah Black hits Lucius with a spell. We don't know what it is because they don't say anything this time. ah And Bellatrix kills Sirius with an Avadra Kadavra. I mean, this is the shortest stint in a franchise for Gary Oldman ever. He's like barely in the movies. Yeah. You think he wanted too much money?
01:40:18
Speaker
Probably he's so good, though. Yeah, um this is a very sad moment. um Harry chases after Bellatrix and he tries to hit her with the Cruciatus curse. That's fucked down. We hear Voldemort in his head saying he didn't fucking mean it. So who cares? You got to be truly evil because he didn't fucking mean it because Harry has some good in him still.
01:40:47
Speaker
um I killed Sirius Black.
01:40:53
Speaker
Voldemort actually makes a full blown appearance is is when Dumbledore shows up ah and he calls he calls him by Tom and he says it's foolish to be here or would be here any minute or are those wizard catchers? Yeah, the dark wizard wizard catchers. They are. They are, as you mentioned, like the KKK. Yeah.
01:41:12
Speaker
um We get a ah cool fight scene of Dumbledore and Voldemort going at it. Like one's using water, one's using fire. Yeah, so Dumbledore casts some shit. Voldemort basically eats it and he turns it into a fire like dragon.
01:41:29
Speaker
um And Dumbledore is either able to counter and puts Voldemort in a water-like sphere. Yeah, that was dope as shit. And he breaks free of that, and he turns the water droplets into glass shards that he sends Dumbledore's way, which Dumbledore turns into sand.
01:41:47
Speaker
um And several times during this fight scene Harry's trying to get involved and he just like fuck out He's like Dumbledore like fucking zaps him and he fucking flies out like using the force. It's like push but we're Fuck out of here fucking pussy. She's like you're fucking distracting me piece of shit wild Dumbledore and Voldemort are fighting Bellatrix escapes in the flu flu network um The ministry arrives fudge the oars they all arrive and voldemort is like i'm out but they all saw so now fudge looks like a fucking idiot because he wasn't listening to what dumbledore was saying right so harry collapses on the ground and he uh is going through because voldemort's all up in his mind
01:42:39
Speaker
He's like, and Dumbledore is just on his knees, watching Harry like go through it.
Reflections and Conclusion
01:42:44
Speaker
And he goes, it's not how you are similar. It's how you are different. Uh, which is, uh, that's not a great. Yeah. it's ah That's gay. It is gay. Uh, which for some reason helps. Uh, and Hermione and Ron show up and he sees them, which pulls up even more memories of them. Um, so he's just,
01:43:07
Speaker
You know, Voldemort's all up in there. And then Harry decides that Tom is weak because Tom has never received love or had any friends, and he feels sorry for him. And we see Voldemort's spirit leave Harry. Voldemort, you just mad because you ain't getting your dick wet. That's it, bro. And he's standing over Harry and says he'll lose everything and it vanishes. um We get the newspaper clippings that Umbridge is pending investigation. The minister might resign.
01:43:36
Speaker
and We cut to Harry's packing his shit um Then he cuts to talking a Dumbledore and Dumbledore is like, I'm sorry that I distanced myself I thought I would work and it would help Voldemort be less tempted but in fucking work cuz you're an idiot I still very much so in Disagree with this decision. I do not believe that was helpful in the slightest Harry was going through it in this fucking movie He needed anything to help him lose have nothing like psychological breaks Yeah, and you were not there for him, which is like your fucking job, so. Then ah Harry tells Dumbledore the prophecy, um but the can I'm very confused if you could straighten me out on this, on the on the prophecy. Give it to me. that what Harry tells Dumbledore, and i I rewound to make sure I heard it right, Harry tells Dumbledore that one of them has to kill the other. They both can't live. Right. I thought, if I and remember not remembering correctly, that they both can either be alive or they both have to be dead.
01:44:35
Speaker
Yeah, so it kind of contradicts itself. Oh, okay. So I'm not a fucking idiot. Yeah. I mean, I am but hu Yeah, that wasn't a good one. I'm sorry. That's okay. So what is One of them has to die One of them has to die if we're going with yeah, they both can't be living or both have to be dead Right. I i mean doesn't that change by the end.
01:45:00
Speaker
That's what I'm saying. I'm just going with one of them has to die because the how of the fucking franchise ends. That's what they say right now. Yeah. So Dumbledore didn't tell about the prophecy because they want to cause any more pain. You just didn't fucking talk to him at all, you piece of shit. You just abandoned him. We cut and all the paintings are back. Harry sees Luna for some reason. He wants to talk to fucking Sirius and Luna in this fucking movie. But because they're like the people that understand him, he says bullshit. I asked Luna why she's not at the feast and she says all her stuff's been stolen.
01:45:31
Speaker
and he tries twice to offer to help her find them and she's like, no. And she apologizes for serious dying. They hold hands and we see her shoes that were missing the beginning of the film hanging on a archway. They all leave and they end on a triumphant note of like, oh, we all have something worth fighting for. Shut the fuck up. I really hate that about the ending of these movies. and all see And that is the end of Harry Potter in the Order of the Phoenix. It's a wild fucking episode.
01:46:02
Speaker
Yeah, it was all over the place, huh? Yeah. Um, my watch last year was a four and a half. Uh, and while I bitched and moaned about issues with Harry being a fucking retard in this movie, um, I'm just going to say this now. Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to cause a stir. I'm going to stir some stuff up right now. Okay. Stir it up. Cook it, cook it, cook it. Or the Phoenix is a five star movie for me. Okay.
01:46:30
Speaker
I'm making it a five. It was a four and a half last year. I bumped it to a five. I think as we fucking rip to rip city, I think they illustrate Harry's demented, tortured mind very well. I think, as I said, that um, Umbridge is an underrated top tier, hateable villain. I think this whole thing, this whole collusion, uh, the ministry out to get Harry.
01:46:55
Speaker
And like uncovering that to me is great. I love I love a court procedural. I love the fucking courtroom. I think that part's done very well. as Love a nice courtroom drama. Additionally, you get your fucking you get your supervise in. Got to get those. With that being said, and also taking into account and now at this point, it's a given that Harry's going to fucking retard in every single movie. You just got to accept it. And that at some point there will be contradictions. I as of today, January 13th, the year of our Lord, I'm bumping up.
01:47:25
Speaker
Goblet of Fire and Prisoner of Azkaban, four and a half stars. Both of them are going up? Yes. W. That's good. Oh, with that all being said, Order of Phoenix still at five. It's still a tiny, tiny bit better for me, for me. That's hot. Yep. I stand by it. It might not be hot. I don't know. um No, most people wouldn't say they like sort the Order of Phoenix. Order of Phoenix, no. It's like either Prisoner of Azkaban or Goblet of Fire. Those two people like a lot. Yeah.
01:47:54
Speaker
I think Goblet of Fire edges out. You can edge me out. Goblet of Fire edges out. Prisoner of Azkaban. But Order of the Phoenix. I don't know. I rated it a four star.
01:48:15
Speaker
um
01:48:18
Speaker
The ending is really like the only good part to me. Fair enough. um
01:48:26
Speaker
See what turns me off and like we're gonna get into this in the next episode that we do with Half-Blood Prince This movie strays away from the love bullshit Like the romance shit drives me up a fucking wall. I hate that I'd rather the filler be something else like this. I guess the side plot you call it be something different I mean, there's the Cho stuff in this one.
01:48:47
Speaker
It's just them making fucking eye contact and they kiss, and it's like, ugh. Ugh, they kiss, ugh. Why does he sound like Squidward? Why does he sound like a fucking NPC character and have Minecraft?
01:48:58
Speaker
okay right So you think you're gonna stay at a four? Yeah, I think I'm gonna stay at a four. Which by the way, four is still a good fucking rating. It's not even like four's bad. It's not a bad movie, right? There's not a bad movie in this franchise. There's not now.
01:49:15
Speaker
Well, you thought before my last rewatch there was. No, there's not. I mean, I'm telling you, man. I might. I'm going to save that for the next episode, but let's save it. Yeah, we're going to go right into that. All right. Do a little plug it in, plug it in. So follow us on Instagram. Two guys, one screen pod. That's where you will find all the clips slash reels is what they call it on Instagram. YouTube and YouTube. Two guys, one screen pod.
01:49:43
Speaker
Uh, send any comments, concerns, requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail dot.com. Follow us on letterbox and leave us a voicemail that we will listen to live on air at 508 fist us 508 dip tip. Uh, all of that will be linked into the description. Call us with your Harry Potter takes. Let us know.
01:50:11
Speaker
What's your favorite Harry Potter? The beauty of this is these are all prerecorded. So we'll definitely answer it on the next episode. If you call in time, if not, you got to wait two weeks, but it's what it is. Two weeks. You yeah y chiz check out the YouTube. ah Hopefully we'll get that going again um next week.
01:50:32
Speaker
ah I mean allegedly, we don't really know it's this movie's been delayed But as of January 13th on our schedule, we have a review coming out next week of Mickey 17 Cedric died, but now he's back. He may be better And then ah the week after we will see you for the half blood prints um Until next time we'll we'll see y'all toodles Fuck you mark