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EP 4: Middle School Church Club
142 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Young Love, DUIs on Horseback, and How to properly use Rachael Ray's Cat Lentils during Foreplay with a Loved One.
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Transcript
Introduction and Toilet Humor
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back, everybody, to Episode 4 of the Close to Hell Podcast. To my right is Jon Prophet. Across from me is TJ Lee. As always, we are back again, freshly back from Pachella's. How you feeling, boys? I'm feeling great. You're not feeling too good. You just clogged the fucking toilet. Yeah, but after that... Oh, yeah. Tell us about that. So I went to dump at Jim's house, and I didn't realize that there wasn't any water in the tank. And then it took, like, 100 Dixie Cubs to fill it up.
00:00:33
Speaker
Yeah. Oh shit. Fuck. Especially because like it was a float or two. So like I had to do multiple flushes. There was no water in there. It takes forever. It takes forever to fill up. It's an old toilet. It's an old geeze. He just shit on the porcelain with no water. She's like, oh, there's no water in the tank. Yeah. There's water in the tank. It takes forever to fill
Bathroom Preferences and Hygiene
00:00:54
Speaker
up. So like drop one in there.
00:00:57
Speaker
Yeah, but I feel great honestly I have to shit too. Yeah, fuck. I would hold it Yeah, I'm gonna wait till I go home. I like shitting at home if I have the option to shit I'll wait. Yeah same shitting anywhere is fucking horrible Yeah, it really is yeah, but like sometimes you find a nice bathroom though. It's like this is nice I wish my bathroom one of the nicest one of the nicest shits ever
00:01:18
Speaker
Uh, uh, Fogo de Ciao is one of the nicest places to take a shit ever. Yeah? I go in there ready to shit. That's great. Because they just have beef buckets for you to drop. Big beef, big blood bands for me to fill. They just shit in a trough there. They just shit in a big, nasty grease bin. I'm kind of over that place. Really? I love it. Last time I went it wasn't that good. I feel like Fogo is like kind of the place that you have to go like maybe like once a year, like once every couple of years. Yeah, they kept hitting me with the fucking chicken. The chicken?
00:01:47
Speaker
What are you looking for down there? It's going for a sneaks. You had your feet on my shoe. Oh my bad. Any other sneaks down there? I might. Yeah. My sneaks are under the table. Sneaks. My fresh kicks. Yeah. My my's are sneaks. These are, these are, no, these are, these are, these are Wawa kicks. Those are snakes. Sneaks ain't nothing sneaky about these. You can smell them from a mile away. There's nothing sneaky about these things.
00:02:11
Speaker
Smells so loud. My feet don't smell if I wear socks. Really? But if I wear shoes without socks, I had a pair of hey dudes over the summer. I didn't wear socks on for like three days and all of a sudden they smelled like two dead bodies. Really? I kicked them off. I was living at my brother's house. I kicked them off and they smelled so bad. It caused fights in the house. Everyone started fighting. It changed the fucking behavior of everyone in the house. Everyone was mad.
00:02:38
Speaker
My sister-in-law's like, what the fuck is that smell? And I went upstairs and fucking started cutting him up. You're fucking putting a gun at him? Yeah, we grabbed the mitering saw and started cutting him up. I have to wear socks. I feel like if I wear socks, they get sweatier for me.
00:02:54
Speaker
Really? So you go no sock? No, I do do sock. Because I feel like if I don't do sock, then my shoe smells. The sock is like the protection. It's like a condom. Socks are condoms. And I've been like at that point where like you're like low on the laundry and you just fuck your recycled pair of socks. Yes. Fucking Jesus. Yes, it's part of your life. It's part of life. Jesus. Fucking priced. I'd rather spend money just buy a new pack of socks than watch socks. Everybody wishes that they could just have a new pair of socks every day.
00:03:22
Speaker
I pretty much do. I buy a pack of socks once a week. I'm like, why am I fucking broke? Yeah. You're like, you're like, babe, we just got to make it to midnight. I got to make it to midnight. Then I went up to the KOP Walmart and buy a pack of socks. I'm all going to get in trouble. Going to go to the corner store, get a pack of socks and extra, extra large t-shirt.
00:03:40
Speaker
Sucks, I hate smelling bad. It sucks that we're just so juicy and moist all the time.
Sweat, Socks, and Seasonal Comfort
00:03:47
Speaker
I'm so fucking wet all the time. In the summertime, I'll sweat real bad, but it's more so in the winter when I have the layers on. Yeah. Oh my God. Especially if you go inside and people are blasting that heat and you're layered up. You fucking sweat. You either aren't sweating or you're sweating usually.
00:04:07
Speaker
You sweat like an old blues singer, dude. You sweat like Charles Bradley. He's like James Brown sweaty. I'm like, why does T.J. look like a fucking rack of ribs right now? You get that Memphis sweat on you. I do. I got to start carrying rags with me. I do. Honestly, in the summer, I carry a black guy rag with me all the time.
00:04:28
Speaker
He carries a block party rag. You're cool as long as you don't wear it under your hat. I wear it under my hat. But then again, I usually do it because I'm working in the kitchen. You got half gallon of iced tea on a no shirt?
Beard Care and Grooming
00:04:48
Speaker
I shower once a day.
00:04:51
Speaker
What's a day yeah today? I didn't shower and I feel gross, but I'm wearing all I'm wearing an entire sweatsuit right now Yeah, you took a shower and a shoe earlier today My face probably smells like hot roast pork my beard smells like hot my beard smells like whatever I just ate nice Egg salad sandwich for lunch the rest of the day. It's like a fucking trash can oh I don't even consider about that like do you eat something and then like do you enjoy the smell of it later? No, it's no it doesn't nothing that I put in my face age as well
00:05:22
Speaker
I miss the smell of that provolone cheese. Something smells good. No. No, I use beard. I use a beard wash. Beard wash? Yeah, I use a beard wash. Oh, like a special shampoo?
00:05:34
Speaker
It's like a little bottle of shampoo, yeah, but other than that, my face smells like feet if I eat anything else. Like, I have to wash my beard. But if I don't have a beard, I'll take a pedo. Yeah, it's a big napkin is all it is. It's a huge napkin. That's a huge napkin. You should let your shit grow in, dude. I hate it. I look so much younger with it, too. Like, with it shaved, I look way younger. Your face is like a different shade when you shave your face. But it's growing inconsistently.
00:06:02
Speaker
Yeah, it's coming in better than it ever has. It's like just, you know... I don't like it as much. I like the fucking... Because it's mostly like fucking neckbeard. I don't like that at all. Neckbeards are sick. No, they're not. Neckbeards are sick. No, they're sick and in the way that's like, oh my god, look at that. Oh, that's sick. Oh my fucking god. What's that smell like? Said no one ever. Yeah.
00:06:24
Speaker
I can't, like I wish I was thin enough to shave my beard, but like it's kind of like a push-up bra for my face. Yeah, it just hides it. I feel like I could, I just want to be able to grow a beard in general. I just feel like what that is. I wish you had a long mustache. Yeah, I want a Fu Manchu. You should do a Fu Manchu. If I could, I would, but I can't. That would be so fucking sick. I'm looking for like a raping of Nanking type deal. You look like Genghis Khan.
00:06:52
Speaker
The only reason I wanted like a beard or like a fuman shoe is just so I could stroke it and look wise
Adolescent Dance Nostalgia
00:06:57
Speaker
or wiser Otherwise you're just rubbing your fucking chair. I just look like a fucking idiot Just scratchy a chin The first like bit of facial hair I got was like sideburns Yeah, and so like I was looking at my junior prom picture like fat Vince fallen, dude
00:07:16
Speaker
I looked so bad. I had sideburns almost down to my jaw. Did you style them all? No, I just kind of shaped them up all of a sudden that one day, and I was like, what the fuck did I just do? What am I doing? I showed up for pictures. Everyone's like, ooh, ow, sideburns. I'm like, oh, shit. People are trying to keep, yeah, there's like old ladies trying to take you out for a pork chop. Old ladies are trying to give me a shake of big pork chop. Yeah, dude. Have you ever had a shake of big pork chop? Yes. Oh, what is a shake of big pork chop?
00:07:45
Speaker
Brother explain you are a citizen right not yet Once you once you become an American once you bleed these colors once you bleed these colors your welcome package includes a chicken fake pork chop with the fucking mush side
00:08:03
Speaker
It's always got to have a much side. Are you kidding? Yeah, the side that your fucking mom didn't spray. We don't flip that. We don't flip that. No, your mom didn't spray the fucking pan. Now it's just a fucking mushy side. One side of it's delicious. The other side is just mushy. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's a pork chop that's dropped in that fucking shake and bake.
00:08:22
Speaker
Shake and bake a pork chop, brother. Shake and bake a pork chop. Tell me you don't love this country. Welcome to this nation. Is this like an American classic? It's an American classic. You never had a fucking shake and bake pork chop? I've heard of pork chop. TJ literally started his car from the fucking day.
00:08:38
Speaker
I don't think you can Uber Eats one either. I think you just have to have white parents You have to have the four parents smoking in the house at once That kind of reminds me like when growing up me and my sister used to eat
00:09:00
Speaker
I'm like, what is that? Have you ever had a hamburger helper? Yes. I fucking hate hamburger helper. Really? I actually really like it. Oh my God. You're not a fan of like pasta and hamburger meat? That's all it is though. I love it. When I was a kid, I would like cry and do that thing where I would just like wouldn't put my mouth near the bowl.
00:09:18
Speaker
My hamburger helper, hamburger helper, and freezer burned crinkle cut fries will get you through it. It's a forehead kiss from the EBT gods. Oh, yeah. No, a forehead kiss from the EBT gods for us was like...
00:09:32
Speaker
Like my dad, for some reason during a recession, my dad lost his job. It was the three liter bottle orange soda? Yeah, it was the stars and stripes ginger ale. Oh yeah! That two liter bottle had a fat fucking ass on it. The three liters were when you know there was money coming in. They lit up like Kurt Angle. They did. Liquid Kurt Angles. Liquid Kurt Angles.
00:09:55
Speaker
We also used to drink our corner store in overbook Used to sell was a Tahitian treat, which is phenomenal It's a fucking poppy store soda. Oh, yeah, it's a fucking fruit punch soda. Oh, that sounds really Asian treat rules. It's like
00:10:13
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, it's like it's like if they added snake venom to Hawaiian punch should be decent It's what gives Jamaican people yellow eyes. Yeah Fucking just dries you out so bad. It's okay. Yeah, it's what gives every Jamaican nurse a blown-up leg It's what it does. Is it sparkling tropical? It's literally a fruit punch flavored soda. Really? Okay, they sell it. They sell it a bachella shout out Let's count down three and give a kiss to Michelle's three two one. Oh
00:10:46
Speaker
Yeah, she knows she might not listen, but she heard us. Oh, yeah What's the first time you made out with a girl first time I made out with a girl? I'll be like a church church camp Yeah, I know it is really simple
00:11:05
Speaker
I was like, God doesn't want us to do this, but that's why I do. Oh, God. He's just like, I'm your God now. Yeah, tell me everything, dude. How was it good? There's a girl named, like, Ping-Ping out there. They're fucking absolute. I'm like, God, yeah, who is this shangha thing now? That's literally the fucking thing. That's the worst thing ever. I'm so sorry. So how did it go down? Were you guys playing spin the bottle? No, it was just kind of like late night. Spin the holy water?
00:11:29
Speaker
It was kind of like free time before bed. Free time before bed. Walking, talking. I'm an adult man. I don't even got that. So it was where you just hanging out? What was it like for you? It was just, I was kind of nervous. I was really nervous.
00:11:48
Speaker
I was like, oh, what would I do? What the fuck do I do? Was she good looking? She's cute. Yeah. Nice. Was she Korean or is she? Yeah, she was Korean. I think everybody in the- Oh, yeah. I think it was a Korean Catholic Church camp. Yeah. Except for that one white kid. It's like me. Like spike in chocolate milk. Jim went for the fucking free lasagna. Yeah. That's why I went.
00:12:12
Speaker
I just heard there was a pool here. I heard there was a pancake breakfast. There's a holy pancake breakfast. Whoops. Whoops. I love God. So was that like your little girlfriend at the retreat? Pretty much like I had like a little fling. We didn't really, we didn't do labels. Honestly, we didn't really do labels. It was Korean Catholic church camp. We didn't really do labels, honestly. Yeah. I don't really, I don't really want to give you any more about the ins and outs of this thing, but that's awesome. Let's just say, uh,
00:12:39
Speaker
First time making out with someone's crazy. Yeah. I felt like definitely a lot of tongue. I felt like that's what I had to do. Yeah. Gotta do it. When I was a little kid, I didn't know it was called making out. I thought it was called oum kissing. I thought they were like oum. I'm like, what's that for?
00:13:00
Speaker
Yeah, I really wanted to do like French kissing because I was like, oh yeah, French kisses European Nice that's just where you eat each other's ass I Thought that's when we get a french fry and then we kiss in the middle Did you do anything pass making out with her or did you guys I was just making out Yeah, so what do you do? I don't want to get too simple. Give me a quick story though. What happened? You guys just hanging out and who made the move
00:13:25
Speaker
I made the move, but like she was kind of like dragging me out to like somewhere private She wanted that she was tugging on his belt. Yeah, I was like alright. Where'd you guys gonna make out? Like no still like the woods and like near the swing
00:13:40
Speaker
Let's go swing near the swing is really telling us the story trying to dial it back even though he's not fucking pitching a total He's gonna get fucking jean burn on his head First time I made out with a girl was at st. Kevin's dance, baby. Oh my god. I just passed that church like yesterday
00:14:04
Speaker
No, I the first time I made out with a girl I did that I did the same thing I moved my head Yeah, like I was like I'm gonna move my head back and forth and this girl just grabbed me by my throat. It was like It was fucking awesome. I remember exactly what I was wearing too. Yeah. Yeah I was wearing like a fucking like I was wearing like a Neff snapback a Jordan like a Jordan shirt like a white blue Jordan shirt and fucking orange and pink plaid cargo shorts
00:14:29
Speaker
literally the biggest pussy-getting outfit of my life. It's fucking awesome. It's phenomenal. That's sick as fuck. What about you? I was in third grade, fourth grader, kissed me and I kissed her back and she was like, now let's try it like we're married. And then she put her tongue in my mouth. Oh my god. And I was like, yeah. That's so hot. Yeah. Oh my gosh, I can't wait to get married. No, after that, I was like, I don't want to get married. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, I don't want to. Oh, shit.
00:14:59
Speaker
Damn, dude. I fucking like dudes. I don't fuck. I don't fuck. I like dudes. Yeah, it's just like we're married. I remember I hung out with these two kids in elementary school. They were like the first boyfriend and girlfriend, and all they did was make out. Yeah. And I would just sit there and watch. Yeah, of course. I'd be like, when's it gonna be my turn? It's literally gonna be my turn. It's gonna be my turn. Just look at me. She's hogging it all. She's hogging her.
00:15:21
Speaker
He's hogging her. He's hogging her. He's sucking it all down. It's my turn. She's going to be none left. Yeah, I was scared she was going to be kissed out by the time she got to me. Kissed out. I'm kissed out. Kissed out. I'm past that. Now we're going to do, now we're going to do vagina stuff. Hand stuff. Hand stuff, dude. First time, what about the first time someone ever grazed your wiener? Graze my wiener? Oh, yeah. It was probably at that church. That same week? Yeah. No, not, not, I don't think that same week, but. Yeah, dude. No, not the camp. You're the, the, where you got your first kiss.
00:15:50
Speaker
St. Kev's yeah, you got your fucking ding-a-ling thing I was like at middle school, and they're like oh, let's go to this dance I was like all right cool, and then just people grinding I was like oh, this is the best night of my life I was like clubbing at the middle school I know that place fucking ruled That's the nastiest club I was convinced that the fucking archbishop would walk by with a jar just bottle that air ship it right up to the Vatican
00:16:12
Speaker
They would just huff that grind mist. You know what I mean? That fucking, they were like, I remember this song. Grind pocket? Yeah, dude. Grind pocket would open up. There'd be a line of kids waiting to hump some bony chick. Fuck yeah. That was awesome. Yeah, the Archbishop would come drop blue chew. Yeah, the Archbishop would literally drop blue chews in the pretzels. Fucking rock hard. I was like, hell yeah, dude. This is why I believe in God. It's funny, because like dancing with like a little like bony like white chick when you're in middle school, you're just holding her hips and you're kind of just swaying. You look over, there's just a group of black kids on the bleachers.
00:16:47
Speaker
Yeah, that was a fucking good time. It was a good time. That's what they do at Catholic schools. They do mixers. They get these kids all jacked up, and then they throw them in a room with a trash on. And orange drink? Yeah, they literally blast Jason Derulo, and then they just fucking sweat to death on children. Imagine being stuck in a room with Lupe Fiasco and orange drink. Oh my god. I would go nuts right now. If you gave me pretzels and Pepsi and a Dixie cup and fucking, literally, the song Cyclone, I would fucking do backflips. I would do backflips into the pussy.
00:17:06
Speaker
literally getting pregnant.
00:17:21
Speaker
The best part about all that was you had to buy a ticket it was like five bucks Yeah, it was like a cheap ticket. They just kept you hydrated with a fucking it was like 50 cents for a Pepsi They're like yeah get you know no water get in there couldn't find water. They're just holy water get in there Get back in there the no one slapped on the ass and go get back in there Get back in there. I want you to fucking press up. It was nasty place was dirty as shit They never censored any music either
00:17:45
Speaker
I want the first time I ever walked in there was in sixth grade Like this music was so loud I was like there's adults Why was it so jumping? Because it was just this horny supercharged fucking mixer that like the nuns and priests were like also like fucking
00:18:07
Speaker
There was a priest jerking off there watching those fucking... Oh, dude, make sense. My God. I think that much pre-teen angst actually makes you younger. The place smelled like a fucking sweaty ug and a fucking axe body spray. I remember one time my brother picked me up and I was smoking Black and Milds in the minivan. I was in sixth grade on the way there with my boys. Smoking Black and Milds, I got out.
00:18:33
Speaker
I literally kept the fucking tap out shirt. I got to, I made out with a girl the first time wearing a fucking studded tap out shirt. It's insane. That's insane. You grew those glasses. I literally grew, I had like shutter shades and a tap out shirt. I peaked when I was 12. I know. Yeah. Everything's been downhill since then. It's funny because like for six months we all dressed like Kanye and then never again.
00:18:54
Speaker
It's like the best era of Kanye too because right after that that's when like that's when like my dark and twisted fantasy Yeah Getting amped up listening to Kanye about to go fucking like fucking like just like tongue the shit out of literally about to go get mono I'm literally about to go get sick. Yeah, literally everyone would be like I got mono got mono still here still hanging out still hanging Yeah, everyone's outside smoking a leaf
00:19:19
Speaker
Everyone's outside smoking a gum wrapper. I'll probably head out soon. I'm probably gonna be out there in a little bit. Roll one for me, I'll be out in a little bit. I feel like a lot of people got like whooping. Whooping golf?
00:19:38
Speaker
He's very sick, but it sounds like a party. Why is my baby in a fucking LL Cool J costume?
00:19:52
Speaker
That's so funny, do they? Yeah, they brought back botulism at St. Kevin's Day. We had like a bunch of, like, Renaissance fucking illnesses. Yeah, there was a, like, yellow fever. Yeah, and I was grinding with so-and-so and a black rat came on me back. There was peasants fucking turning stew behind the DJ. They were just fucking turning some stew. Yeah, LMFAO, like, fucking soundtracking the bubonic place. People packed old, like, peasant women back then used to make, like, T-shirt stew.
00:20:21
Speaker
Like a blanket salad Blanket salad. Oh my god. I remember the guy was like we're taking requests and people were put they're like putting a song and they're like put on like fuck me and word Next one's coming up. He's like everybody fucking get hard get wet. We're gonna fuck Six-graders
00:20:44
Speaker
Fucking sick dude. We literally had a perverted like like middle school dance. Yeah, literally people were like snorting propel And just humping the shit out of some bony girl. There's a there's like bitches like collecting silly bands Yeah, I remember I grind on chickens and calves are fucking butt cheeks felt like elbows, dude I thought chicks had pointy, but I was into pointy butts when I was 12
00:21:08
Speaker
I was like, yo, shit's the cleanest ass ever. Yo, shit's the fattest ass I've ever seen in my life. Bitches were still buffering back then, dude. Chicks were loading at that point. We were also like 3'8", and chicks were like 6'10". I know. Every chick was like Undertaker's height when I was like 12. I remember being like, I love tall chicks with fucking pointy asses.
00:21:29
Speaker
Oh my god getting all fucking high on the carbs of a Philadelphia pretzel and then fucking just a shot of Pepsi go back in there sweating up a storm dude oops oh my god it's more like chocolate axe feet and come in there fucking sexual smell yeah pretty common boobies bracelet that kind of shit keeps the lights on at the Vatican they literally just put that they charge
00:21:51
Speaker
It's so fucking hot. They make more money than Bible sales. Now it's like, it'll never be that fun again. We all peaked at 12. Congratulations. Do they still do it? Over there in the dance? I mean, I don't know. I can't see how they couldn't. Depending on who's in the office. Who's in office? Who's in office, who wants that? This is Biden's America. This is Biden's America. Biden said he's not letting it go down unless he's allowed to be there, and also, bro. Sniff hair? Yeah, he's allowed to go in sniff hair if they're open. Damn, that would suck to be like a middle schooler during COVID years, and then that dance being shut down.
00:22:21
Speaker
Do you imagine being like elementary school going into the middle school? I think the COVID years are probably good for middle schoolers because like honestly I would have given anything for the entire world to shut down back then. What? Oh my god, in middle school? Oh my god, if I could have just disappeared for three years that would have been the greatest moment of my life. Yeah. I don't know, I feel like it sucks for the kids that couldn't graduate during COVID or like go to their senior prom. Yeah. Other than that it would be sick to just be home all the time. That's true. But like you're home but you're also like doing work.
00:22:49
Speaker
I had like I had a fucking emotional support fucking I was let's say a dog I had a teacher I had a support class what if the school just gave me a hound dog right next to the school gave me a German Shepherd cause my mom died yeah my fucking the school gave me a fucking support cat it's like I have 30 I need less yeah I need less they're like nah you need a German Shepherd he carries a pencil and your baggage
00:23:14
Speaker
Now I had emotional support my senior year of high school and I was only in it because my mom died because they put they put me they gave me two things they gave me the big headphones English and then I fucking had support class which was literally a class with people that were like
00:23:30
Speaker
Like that and I was like Jesus. Yeah, you got put in dummy film. I'm like I don't know I'm all done. Yeah, I don't like ask me to do calculus, but don't like put me with the drool Yeah, don't put me in the drool corner. Don't be I used to call you telling me there's no are you telling me? There's no middle ground between calculus and drool. Yeah, there isn't I was lower middle class I
00:23:55
Speaker
Remember our like like our freshman year in high school like that was like the last cool dance. I didn't go to any dances after that I wasn't really into that old thing. No like homecomings and something that yeah I went to only freshman homecoming. Yeah, and it was the best one because it was a literal fucking race riot Was killed
00:24:17
Speaker
They fucking killed George Floyd in front of everybody. Brianna Taylor literally took shots of vodka before she got murdered. Brianna Taylor showed up with vodka gummy worms. We were all saying that. Literally, I couldn't stop saying your name. Yeah, that was crazy. That was like walking. That was like going into like Andy Warhol's house. That was like the most people I've ever seen get arrested. That was the most people I've ever seen in my life. Literally, there was people from like schools that didn't even exist there. In order to Caprio was there.
00:24:45
Speaker
Martin Scorsese, there's a red carpet. Martin Scorsese walked past me to get in. It was crazy. I watched Martin Scorsese buy a fucking pretzel off fucking... Ryan Reynolds was rude to me in line. It was crazy. After that, I didn't really... I mean, I go out to bars and stuff now. It's got like a dance floor, but stuff, you know, I ain't like that anymore. That just costs money. Yeah. But... I haven't gone to like a dance hall. Back when it was $5, that's when it's like...
00:25:10
Speaker
I gotta go find a dance floor. I'm feeling a dancing one night. I want to see what TJ's got. I want to see what TJ's dance moves look like anyway. Everyone already knows my dance moves. I just swing side to side and I just feel the rhythm and I feel the beats. He feels the rhythm and he feels the beats. I've never heard that from a human being. I feel the rhythm and I feel the beats and I'm also a total human being.
00:25:33
Speaker
Yeah, I am actually not an AI. I am actually a full-on human being. I feel the rhythm and I feel the beat. No, but have you seen people who dance but offbeat? You know what I mean? Yeah. So you're trying to say, TJ, you racist fuck. No, no, no. I'm not saying you guys. I got rhythm. I literally drank Tahitian treatment. I was a good... I think you're a good dancer. I mean, you're a drummer. You have to have rhythm. I could dance a little bit. I know. I'm loose. Jim's got some good dance moves, too. I feel like drummers are probably the best of dancers in a band.
00:26:01
Speaker
I wish, dude. I wish the drummers were the best looking. I thought he picked a fat man's instrument. He's like, hey, let's put on more Tom Tom so you can hug your face.
00:26:12
Speaker
We should uh, we should go out the fucking we should we should take up either square dancing as a team Oh, I told Jim that I also that's one of my trio men saw no, I want to fuck yeah I want I definitely want to do like some sort of dance I told Jim or Isaac at Ivy that I wanted to go square
Wild Dance Memories and Expectations
00:26:28
Speaker
dancing. It's like one of my bucket list. I teach you had four shots Four shots he goes on dance. I said to Isaac. I'm like, hey, my name's tj. I'm a
00:26:54
Speaker
Honestly, growing up, when I turned 21, I thought I would experience more saloons. More saloons? Yeah, but... Like, you wanna walk up the steps and there's a guy getting thrown out past you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fucking revolver? There's like a two-way door, but all the bars I've gone to, there's only one door and it only goes one way. You're like, there's one door and it's full of pillheads and rapists. Yeah, I'm like, fuck. No horses, no parked horses? Yeah. I've been hitting the bar a lot recently. I've been to a horse bar. Yeah, you seen a horse? Mm-hmm. Where at?
00:27:04
Speaker
I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler. I'm a Wrangler.
00:27:20
Speaker
fucking you went to a horse bar, not like a yeah, like like people like parked horses there. Yeah, we're in fucking in San Antone, San Antone, San Antone, there was Mexicans riding horses and parking them. Those are called Honda Civics. Would you get a DUI if you if you rode your horse? Yeah, yeah, it's an H. U. I. H. U. I. H. U. I. H. U. I. Galloping under the.
00:27:50
Speaker
Oh, no, no, dude. It's horsing around under the other ones, dude. Yeah, but the horse isn't drunk. Yeah, he is. Well, you think I'm drinking by myself? The horse is like, nah, I only had carrots. I only had carrots. I had a couple sugar cubes in the carrot. I'm like, nah, I just bought cakes tonight, boss. What's this in your pocket? It's a salt lick. He's like, that ain't mine. I'm holding it for a friend. He's like, the cop's like, he's like, you're really fucking arresting me? The cop's like, uh, uh, hands where I can see him. He goes, yeah.
00:28:21
Speaker
I'm all bad. Yeah, put your hooves where I can see them. I'm gonna be the first cop to arrest a horse and put its fucking hose behind its back.
00:28:35
Speaker
That'd be so funny. I like, like, I've always wanted to take BBG on a fucking carriage ride, but they have the shitbag behind them. Oh, yeah. Like Kate May in the fucking wintertime with all the lights on, the horse is like, nay her name, nay her name. Oh man.
00:28:58
Speaker
Yeah, it seems romantic in picture, but like when you're actually like go to kiss your girlfriend and the horse like shits a pile in front of you. It's a big stinky. It has a big fat ass fucking shit bucket that walks around all day. 1776 smelled like shit. When we were down in Austin on 6th Street downtown Austin like at like 10 o'clock at night like they basically like now it's probably like midnight. They force everyone out of the street so they can reopen traffic.
00:29:28
Speaker
and like they're so funny because they send like a line of police horses down and like like like they'll like the horses you have one one will shit one will shit and then like the other ones will like catch a whiff and then they'll be like alright I guess it's shit time so I watched like six horses at once just take this monster fucking group dump
00:29:48
Speaker
I had to watch, fucking, these bunch of women come up and clean it up. Dude, in fucking, in Old City and Philly, they have, like, they have, like, these, like, hulk things next to the steps in those real old houses, and that's a shit hulk. You'd walk up and scrape the shit off your fucking flat wooden shoes and probably had fucking siblings in them. Dude, everyone back then was, like, 5'2 and stinky with siblings.
00:30:11
Speaker
Everybody stunk so bad back then so funny women were like eight dresses out Every single day and then we had wigs because they lost their hair to syphilis Yeah, everyone's just and they only took like bass maybe like once a year once a year Literally once a year if you imagine how bad a fucking pussy and dick stunk back then. Oh my god Oh my god, dude 2024 my dick stinks. Do you think do you? The warehouse I smell like George Washington
00:30:40
Speaker
I go home and take a lie bath soup. What the fuck did I just say? A lie, a lie soup bath. A lie bath soup. Sorry. I'm on the meth right now. Sorry, I should have smoked all that meth before I came on. Dude, I told you about that. I dated a guy that fucking was like, I relapsed and I was like, it's all right. You know, you have a drink. It's not a big deal. And he was like, I didn't, I didn't drink. I smoked meth.
00:31:07
Speaker
I was like, whoa! I was like, it was really nice knowing you. He's like, I slipped up. You know what I mean? Somebody hands you a shot. It's like, I slipped up. You know, you have to go by meth pipe. You have to hold that hot ass pipe. Oh, dude, Matt, don't people when they take meth, they can fuck for hours, right? Oh, is that the whole thing? They like like they like can't come, but they like fuck.
Drug Use Humor and Lifestyle Reflections
00:31:35
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:36
Speaker
I don't want that. I might need a little bit of meth. I might need a little bit of meth. I'm like two seconds in, I'm like biting my hand. I'm like argh. My fucking has been so long, I still can't. Oh my god. It's like, oh my god, why do you fuck like Florida man? My seizure and bite her head. Yeah. Wait, so you were dating a meth head? Yeah, I didn't know he was a meth head until he told me he relapsed.
00:32:02
Speaker
Isn't there, like, other signs that he's a meth head? Like, don't they have, like, gray asshole eyes? No. It wasn't like he was, like, a fucking... I think it was a new... I think he was a new junkie. Oh, he was a fresh meth head? He was just trying it. Yeah, he just got into it. Yeah, because... I'm thinking about trying meth next week. Because it doesn't... It's not exactly something that... It doesn't exactly... It's not something that you can hide really well. Yeah. And being... Being jacked up on amphetamines is not something you can really, like, hide. You can see it with a smile. Yeah, you can't hide the power.
00:32:31
Speaker
You can't hide it, yeah, it fucks your mouth up and shit, it's fucked. It's horrible. I watched, there's a documentary called Meth Storm I was telling you about. Look at what it did to Goldberg, dude. Oh, yeah. That's the prime example of junkin'. Junkin' it. You gotta watch Meth Storm because it's a documentary made by HBO where they follow a family of like eight that are all addicted to meth. Oh my God. And they're just constantly rescuing each other out of jail to get back on meth.
00:33:00
Speaker
The family business. Yeah, just get the other one out of jail. It's like if shameless was real. It's like real shameless, but like the difference is like the mom is the hierarchy. She looks like a literal crypt keeper. And she's always got a big fucking soda with her. Oh, yeah. A big styrofoam cup of soda in it. She's always like suck, methods like suck. They try to eat their whole face. They literally suck their mouth all day. What about? I did it.
00:33:28
Speaker
Sucking us on the sour half the movie is literally this family being like fucking parent with his fuck in this cabin and eating bologna They're all like eating like 10 bologna sandwiches. Oh, so fucking hungry I cook for my do whatever. It's like her giving them a slice of bologna on a plate. They're like She's like no one like am I have the best cooking ever has get fed like they do you just fucking you literally put you take bologna in a bowl and pestle and just fucking
00:33:55
Speaker
Just give it to him like that. I'm trying to get into drugs. I want to get hooked on something good. I'm trying to do mushrooms with my friends. I would do mushrooms with you. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do heroin with my friends. Maybe not. We did heroin one night. Just one night we all did fucking heroin. Just one night. One night we all did heroin. Just one time. It'd be funny to do like coke one night.
00:34:18
Speaker
Do you have to inject heroin or is there other ways you can free basis smoke? Because I don't want needles we're doing heroin one way we're all shooting it yeah Yeah, we should shoot a hot dose all of us hit each other, but we'll be like the fuck Yeah, it's like yeah, except we're gonna get a fucking brown bag big one okay, and they baby It would be like our luck. We would do fentanyl died five dead dudes in your basement Yeah, but imagine the high
00:34:47
Speaker
the highest price so good so good that you would die for it I need another hit I'm like almost through the endgame right now I think I think if I did heroin I would get hooked right away and then nice liquid syrup syrupy heroin yeah like real thick stuff I don't even know how to bait it's like how do you know that's good heroin it's fucking good fucking good the fucking chicken gave it to me she's so skinny I could see her asshole from the front I could see her asshole from the front she's got good shit
00:35:17
Speaker
Good shit. I should get on. I should pick a drug to get on just to lose weight though. Yeah, I'm about to get on his epic dude. Have you heard about broccoli? Have you heard about water broccoli running? Water broccoli running? I should get on heroin. That's so funny just somebody sitting in the car be like I probably should get on heroin honestly. If you could try any drug, I mean if I was dying on my deathbed and they were like do you want heroin I'd be like
00:35:46
Speaker
I think, yeah, after a certain age, I'll probably just, like, give up. Try everything. Just do everything, yeah. Try everything. I think after 90, if I made it past 90, I'm like... If I make it past 90, I'm taking heroin, ruining my fucking family. Ruining my family. When I do it, it's gonna be, like, my fucking, like, great-grandson's... Dude, if I lived to 60, I'll do heroin, dude. If I make it to 28, I'm doing heroin. I know. I was about to say 27, and I'm gonna cook up a hot spoon. I'm giving myself two more years, and if it doesn't work out, I'm just gonna become a heroin addict.
00:36:15
Speaker
Yeah, please fucking like and subscribe and follow or all three of us are gonna do heroin Yeah, yeah, that's good. That's I think that's good marketing Yeah, and if you're a tall twink with a mustache you need to marry me right now Or I'm gonna fucking do a big spoonful of the hot shit. How's your how's your lovely right now? It's fine. I'm just chatting right now. I'm just trying to find some dates You're just chatting for dates. I'm just chatting. What's a good gay date?
00:36:40
Speaker
Dude, you know what I like? I like to go get a fucking beer or something, and then go walk around the city. I love doing that. You like to walk around the city? I like to walk around the city, like whatever. You want a real-life rom-com. I want to walk around the city, and I want to be like, oh, why don't we check out this? I feel like you meet up with a guy, and then it's literally just you dressed as Reese Witherspoon. Yeah. What's the difference between a gay date and a regular date, though? I feel like all dates are kind of gay. No, no, they're not. I feel like a gay date, there's no fighting about where you're going to supposed to eat.
Dating Dynamics and Pet Ownership
00:37:10
Speaker
One of the dudes is like yeah, we'll try this place other guys again fuck it. I'm down It's just two chill guys honestly two chill guys. I'm like you want to get it's like you want to get margaritas It's like okay fine We'll get margaritas, and then it's like let's go walk around see if we find something we want to do you know I mean and then it's like you walk around and Find something to do because there's a trillion fucking things to do oh
00:37:32
Speaker
Yeah, I guess that is kind of cool, but I like walking around the city and talking walking. Yeah, you like to talk you like to go I like I'm a bit of a I'm a bit of a talker. I yeah, that's pretty hot What's your ideal day teach my ideal date? I like I'm a classic like dinner movie guy I Feel like taking a chick to a movie would just be like I want to talk too much. I want to talk Well, yeah, that's where that's what dinner is for
00:37:56
Speaker
Afterwards, we'll sit for two hours. So after the dinner, you go to the movie. Or like any activity, really. Would you go dinner, then movie, or movie, then dinner?
00:38:02
Speaker
I don't know, depending on the time and the day, I guess. I'm fucking sleeping at the movie. I don't give a fuck. If I can't talk for more than 10 minutes, I fall asleep. That's how my whole life. Well, I'm just a big movie fan, that's why. Yeah, you would have to find another film buff. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm going to take some chick to go see fucking The Shining. I'm like, yeah, this is really good. But I'm trying to keep an open mind. I want to try more shit. You know what I mean? I want to do more stuff. You want to hit trampoline parks and stuff? That's what I'm saying.
00:38:30
Speaker
Like that like I went saw play like I don't do that How was that would you it sucks
00:38:41
Speaker
Would there be a date idea that you wouldn't do though? Nah, I'm cool. I was a fight another couple I was talking I was talking with a guy I was I was gonna go to the flower show with this one dude I was talking to and then I was like Is it actually yeah, I was like I thought you just walk I thought was just an installation. I thought you just walked through I
00:39:01
Speaker
No it's at the convention center. Lick my bag dude. I went there one year and I paid money to go into the monarch butterfly exhibit. It was the coolest shit ever. Oh you see butterflies? I didn't even walk through the flower shop. I went into the monarch. No you go in with them. Oh you. And they land all over you. That's dope. Ew I'd have a fucking panic attack. I watched this fucking retarded guy in there. He was like no. And he literally started killing them. Oh no.
00:39:22
Speaker
And everybody's like, no, no, no, no. It's me, it's me. He was like, oh. He was like, bugs, bugs rule. Everybody's like, what the fuck? Oh my god. They make you sit and go through this whole thing. They're like, the monarch butterfly is slowly dying. And then this retarded guy got covered in it. And everybody's like, oh, he's retarded. It must mean he's like a pure spirit. And he literally found out that they were on him. And he like erased them. He was like, ah.
00:39:52
Speaker
We started smacking them off. They're all die crunching under his hand. Oh, yeah, it is pretty sick though you go in there They give you a q-tip with some sugar water on it. Oh, and you put it up and then a butterfly will land on it Oh, that's awesome. Yeah butterflies are cool. That's how you catch me, too Drag me out of the shower Throw it in the bathroom lock the door
00:40:20
Speaker
That's all I have to do. In order to fuck my girlfriend, I gotta chase my cats out of the bedroom with a laser. She's like naked. I'm like, hold on, hold on.
00:40:28
Speaker
I'm like, nah, he likes the cursive. It's like my name in cursive. He loves that. I trace them right out of the living room and slam the door shut. I'm like, all right, well, I'm ready to fuck. I was thinking about that. The best thing you get into with your girlfriend that you have to go in and the cats are like, my cats are the most invasive. He will hop on her back during doggy. The one time I thought it was hilarious.
00:40:52
Speaker
But I don't do that. I like how your foreplay is playing with the cats with their laser. Yeah, my foreplay is usually run out there, drop some Rachael Ray lentils in their bowl so they fucking won't bother me. And then halfway through fucking halfway through. Rachael Ray lentils? No, they love the Rachael Ray lentils. It's not lentils, it's all just beef cubes. No, it's literally chicken pellets. Chicken pills.
00:41:16
Speaker
Chicken pills, I need those. That's what I was doing. In order for us to have sex, I have to chase the cats out of the bedroom with a laser. And then I have to make it seem like I'm still playing with it as I shut the door. And then they're like, fuck us, I guess mom and dad are fucking it.
00:41:33
Speaker
You're fucking for your cat Nubbins has made an appearance and I'm like, I'll shove her out of the way. Oh my god I feel like I have to perform cats will just watch you. Yeah, I feel like I'm like in like a show like I'm a performer The cat you want your cat to get wet I'm trying I try to telepathically tell her to like scram. I'm like No, she's like you think they know what we're doing. No, they're just like
00:41:59
Speaker
Just confused. They have no idea. What is happening? I'm just getting, like, beaten up by some dude. She just thinks you're getting raped by some guy. And it is. That's what happens to me in the cat world, too. So it's fun. It's fun. She was on the ground going, wow, wow, wow, wow. He starts spraying. The guy's got a mouth full of the back of my neck. Yeah, the dude's biting Jim's hair, fucking him in the ass.
00:42:28
Speaker
That's awesome. I'm like My girlfriend was like I walking around low to the ground all in heat my belly scratching the ground I Think we should get a guinea pig and I was like I think you just need to clean the living room
00:42:45
Speaker
I think that would fix all of that. Love the living room again. You're like, know what this muzzy room's missing? A rat. A big fucking rat. The reason you keep thinking of rodents is because there's shred of noobs baby everywhere. Yeah, you're just trying to get a rodent in here so if there's a real rodent in here you're going to be like, well, he must have thought it was the case saw him in here or something. They must have fucking... What? The hand phone? You just hand phoned me? You just hand phoned me? They must have texted each other or some shit.
00:43:12
Speaker
There's a lot of things you'll, a lot of things you don't want in life as long as you just clean your bedroom. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think I want that, but I could just clean my bedroom and I'm alright. Yeah, I thought about that. And then I was like, nah. I'll do the same shit.
00:43:27
Speaker
Like, I always thought, like, oh, I want to get a cat. Like, whenever I go to, like, a friend's house and they have a cat or they have a dog, I'm like, oh, I want one so bad. And then I think about, like, the list of responsibilities. I'm like, eh. Tonya, like, hey, my litter box smells perfectly fine until it absolutely doesn't. Yeah, dude. It smells perfectly fine until it absolutely doesn't. Just smells like... Smells like sour battery acid. Hell, man. Cat's shit and piss is the worst.
00:43:53
Speaker
Really? Where's the dog? Yeah, dog shit, dog shit. I always said dog shit smells, cat shit stinks. That's a thing I learned in my family. That's something my dad told me. That got passed down to you. Proverb? This is your man talking to you. Dog shit smells, cat shit stinks, all right? Tell your teacher that. Tell your teacher that when she confronts you for smoking. Yeah, tell her that.
00:44:19
Speaker
I'm in like fourth grade. I'm like, what are you talking about? We're watching Shrek 2 today. What are you talking about? I'm not saying that. Dog shit stinks. Dog shit smells. Cat shit stinks. And it's true. It holds up. I believe him. It holds up. It's so funny.
00:44:36
Speaker
Like I got two cats shitting in one box. So it's like, I think, like, I literally, I literally clean it and like, they were like, they can't like wait to get in there and shit. They're like, we're going to be like, whoa, we're going to need toilet. Yeah. And they're getting a new bed. We got pretty litter on this bitch.
00:44:52
Speaker
That way, when they take a piss, I can tell if they have problems. I've got basic stuff right now. I've got, like, get you to the next week. I got you back next Wednesday. Yeah, I got the pay me back next Wednesday litter, dude. Yeah, you got the clump shit, Clay. When it clumps together, it's, like, literally a piss rock. I just dump the whole, like, when I use that litter, I'll dump the whole box out and wash the box.
00:45:21
Speaker
Yeah, that's what I do. I clean the box. I just put a whole new box in. How often do you have three bags of cat litter we found? Switch the litter. It depends on how much she's eaten. Scoop it out daily. Change it every week or two. Okay. But you can really cut down on the cat shit. Because once they run out of spots to bury it, they just drop it right on top. And that's when it's like... That's when it starts to hum. That's when it starts to do...
00:45:50
Speaker
I like walk past it and for that split second my nose is like What the fuck was that I take a step back and go past it again fucking disgusting And then we'll have like someone over we'll be like and I'm so lazy about it We'll have someone I'm like yeah, just don't walk past that
00:46:09
Speaker
Walk around it. Don't go anywhere. Don't go anywhere in here. Just stay there. Stay at the door. Close your nose. Oh, man. Did you watch the State of the Union?
Political Antics and Economic Impacts
00:46:21
Speaker
We tried to. We saw a little bit of it. We just started. We talked through it. We talked straight through it. Trump hit a really good clip. We posted a reel of him filming it and just filming Snapchat filters. Oh, that is nuts. That is not fucking funny.
00:46:38
Speaker
It's just him with, like, it's like Biden with pigtails and cross-eyes. He can't stop dunking on Biden. He's literally, he's spoon-feeding him Van Daminated, dude. It's crazy. Trump is killing him on Instagram. Damn. He did a clip of, like, really sad music, and it was just Biden, like, falling up Air Force One three times, and then him falling off the bike. And Biden just goes... He tends to do that a lot. What, like, die slowly?
00:47:08
Speaker
He just takes his final breath all the time. He just keeps taking his final breath. They're like, clear. That's it. Who you voting for coming up? Nobody. You're not voting? I'm probably not going to vote either. I didn't vote last time. I'm voting this time.
00:47:21
Speaker
Let the people. I'm keeping track though. I want to see who's voting for Trump. All my friends trying to figure out who hates the gays. We don't hate the gays. Let's see who hates the gays. Can you vote for Trump and not hate gays? I don't think so. Not in my book. So when you vote for Biden, what do you vote for? I have no idea. I'm not voting for him. Can you vote for Biden and hate gays?
00:47:43
Speaker
Definitely 100% okay 100% so it's kind of like a squares like a rectangle but rectangles not square yes Everybody's walking around right now like everything's so fucking expensive
00:47:58
Speaker
You could thank this fucking idiot. Yeah, it's like you could thank this fucking idiot. I mean, everything is really expensive. It is. It's going to come down. It's going to come down. It'll come down. It'll come down. It's not his fault, but it'll come down when he gets it'll come down. It'll come down when people fucking straight up stop buying stuff. Stop buying. Yeah, that's your answer to it. Just stop buying shit.
00:48:18
Speaker
Stop paying fucking rent. They'll come for you. They'll bring the price back down. You ate yesterday. Look at what they did. It wouldn't be so high if you didn't have a fucking car payment. No, but everything is so expensive nowadays. The power of a $100 bill is not that powerful anymore. No, $100 lasts you two days in America right now. I went to McDonald's, and I was like... You also got 100 chicken nuggets. Okay, all right, yeah, that's true. She's like, I can barely get 100 nuggets anymore.
00:48:45
Speaker
I went to McDonald's with Jim and Isaac after Ivy and then we went and get like McGriddles. We got four meals and it was like 50 bucks.
00:48:52
Speaker
Yeah, everything's fucking crazy. I was like, what the fuck is this? I'm like, you could thank Kamala Harris for that one. You could thank Kamala for that one. Take her. She lost her fault. She loves. She loves expensive. We did it, Joe. He's expensive again. We did it. We did it, Joe. Mayo is expensive as fuck. Everything's expensive. We did it, Joe. I hate her. I love her. I hate her. I hate both of them. I only I only like Obama.
00:49:21
Speaker
I like Obama and George W. Bush. I like them both. I like George W. Bush and Obama. I do. I was too young to understand George W. Bush, but the older I'm getting and the more clips I give him, he's just like a bro. He said, I believe that fish and human beings can coexist peacefully.
00:49:39
Speaker
It's the fucking greatest line I've ever heard. And he also dodged two shoes. Yeah, dude. And they can, though. They can, though. They can. I've literally never had an enemy fish. I've never fought a fish ever, and a fish has never fought me. Ever. I'm in a fish's neighborhood. I don't even have to look over my shoulder. Sometimes I go to fish town, and nobody bothers me.
00:49:57
Speaker
I believe fish and people in Fishtown are the same exact thing. I'm like, well, that's clearly false. Just it's a literal, like it's a tuna with overalls on and Fishtown. Just a tuna. With a cigarette? Yeah. A cigarette on the side. Bushisms and I think Bush also kind of, he's got a good sense of humor too. Yeah.
00:50:15
Speaker
Like, he was on Jimmy Kimmel. They did the thing. It was like Bush-isms or not. And they just read a quote, and he's like, I don't think that was me. And it was just him saying it, like, exactly. That's why I kind of like Trump, too, because, like, he kind of just, like, jokes around and kind of, like, bros out, too. Yeah, he's so silly. He's pretty silly. He's so silly the way he, like, I don't know, rapes. Yeah, it's so silly the way he, like, calls Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig. It is funny. That is funny. They were like, so you're calling women fat pigs? He goes, no, I called Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig.
00:50:42
Speaker
Awesome so funny he showed up the UFC then they walked into the fucking stadium listening like the song American badass playing hell yeah The place went nuts for him. Yeah, I made a straight-up entrance when I saw that I was like oh shit. That's the shit I think medically I think that's being called with the shit It seems like you have a really really bad case of with the shit
00:51:10
Speaker
I have no political affiliations at all. I don't care who wins. Why can't we get two presidents? I want Trump back in office only because I think he's just funnier. Yeah, same. There's a lot more entertaining to see his clips. Yes, it was funnier, but dude, everything was him. It was too much. It was too much of him. Everything's still him.
00:51:32
Speaker
That's what I'm saying. Everything's already there. He's been gone for four years. He's still here. Yeah, he's like in the shadows. His energy. His presence has been, like, that was, it was too much of him. It's like the underbelly of America right now. It was too much of him. Like, listening to people complain about him was awful. Bing bong, bing bing bong, bing bong. How long did we spend just bitching about people bitching about him? A long time.
00:51:55
Speaker
Yeah, it was mostly like SNL. Well that, yes, but like also like... It was mostly like SNL and like CNN people. We also worked at Starbucks at the time. Yeah, so we heard more about Trump because he worked at a liberal job. We were the only people there that weren't a fucking paintbrush with glasses.
00:52:10
Speaker
I had like the most conservative, I worked there and had the most conservative haircut ever and then got called a Nazi, it was insane. I just can't like, I can't see myself ever crying over a president. My mom cried when Trump won, it's the most disgusting, I'm like, that's why she's dead now. That's why. That's why she's dead now. Exactly why, yeah. I could see myself crying over a president. I wouldn't cry over a president. What? Yeah, if I'm related to that president and they get killed. No, I'm talking about they get elected. You know what I mean?
00:52:39
Speaker
I'm talking about they get like another like they get like they win you're like Fucking stimulus bill. We're fucking stimulus package, brother Yes was cheap, brother I just go I go based off one thing I hear and just I'm like, yeah gas was cheap, brother Gas was cheap. Yes was cheap Trump wins again. He's gonna he's gonna give us a skill all gays Trump. Yeah
00:53:07
Speaker
He's running on the kill all gay platforms under the assumption that Trump's building like a gay tree grinder that he's gonna drop gays into It's what's happening. Yeah, I mean, that's a rational fear I mean it is a rational fear because the dudes that like him wish it was 1950. Yeah, I mean From my perspective as an immigrant like I've always had a fear of like if he became became president I would be like out of here. Yeah, well and you are I wouldn't be able to like renew my stuff. He hates red vests He hates black guys TJ. You'd be screwed
00:53:37
Speaker
Jeez, but I apparently I don't know like I don't understand like his stance on China Cuz like it seems like they make all of his stuff. That's why he likes them You make all the stuff and then he blames them for everything That's kind of like what I do Well, that's China My kid got cancer because you're sucking on his beanie babies are made with lead that's China
00:54:02
Speaker
Everything. I'm just kidding. I don't know anything. That's why I can't weigh in. That's why I love to weigh in because I don't know anything. It's better to weigh in on stuff when you don't know anything. I know. Seeing Joe Biden on TV for 10 seconds, I'm like walking, I'm working like, this guy's a fucking retard, huh? I fucking cleared his throat three times in a conversation. Like, yeah, what's that? What's your kid fucker? Everybody gets fucking shot. I have nothing to add. I like being that. I like that about me.
00:54:31
Speaker
I don't want to fucking be politically smart. I don't want to know about Bernie Sanders. I don't care. I don't fucking care. Bernie Sanders. I don't care about anyone's sexuality or their fucking the way they like vote. I fucking don't care. Just make gas cheap. I do like crybabies though. I do like making fun of crybabies. If you like crybabies, there's going to be a whole lot of them of Trump wins.
00:54:53
Speaker
It's going to be crybaby city, dude. And I'm like, can they, can like, like, can he just like, like fucking gaze and shit? You know what I mean? I also think it's more fun when there's- Is he scared of winning? Is he scared of winning too much? If he was just nice to the gays? If he was nice to the gays, the gays would flock to him. They'd be like, oh my God. Yeah. American badass. This is a vibe. They would maybe like,
00:55:16
Speaker
Yeah, they would never they would never have never had that much fun. That's a problem. The Democrats have never had as much fun as Donald Trump. That's the thing is like you meet Donald Trump. You want to be friends in them because he's fucking literally will order you fucking rules because he fucking rules. What's the problem is he goes watch UFC fights.
00:55:33
Speaker
He goes to UFC fights. I don't think Joe Biden ever went to UFC fights. Yeah, he goes to UFC fights. He makes fucking Putin hold the door for him. Yeah, I don't know, man. That was pretty fucking funny. I don't think any old guys fucking rule. They suck. I think Trump rules. Maybe as a president, not a good idea. There's some cool dudes. Just make the president Hunter Biden. Somebody that can root for him. Oh, God. The fact that you like him is like, boy. Awesome. He's awesome. He's a fucking crackhead. He should be the... The president should smoke crack. He can handle a bowl of crack. He can handle launch codes. Yeah.
00:56:03
Speaker
Now, I think the president, yeah, the president should be a young guy like Hunter Biden's age. Yeah, it should be Obama. Give it like another president. It should be Mr. Beast. It should be Mark Rober. Who's that? It's another big YouTuber. He's the engineer, one that they're all like, what's up guys? Oh, he made like the glitter bombs. Honestly, honestly, honestly, it should be Travis Kelsey. Yeah, we're going to get another one. Yeah, that's what he's going to say about the world war. Yeah.
00:56:33
Speaker
I think Trump is more like, I think as far as like what's like Trump. He's a fucking idiot. He's dumb as fuck. It's awesome. Yeah. It's pretty sick. If you don't care about politics, it's hard to not like Donald Trump. Yeah. If you don't care about politics, like we don't believe in any of it. You don't care. You think it's all rigged. It's like, yeah, out of the two people like Biden, I'm just annoyed with Biden at this point. He's just, he's old and slow and it's just annoying. At least Trump goes up and says wild things.
00:57:00
Speaker
At least it's like, holy fuck, we're getting ready to hear some of him say something. Makes me actually watch a lot. I think we went two for two the last two, just awful. He was like a Ukrainian, like the Ukrainian president. Isn't he like 38? Yeah, he was the guy who was like, he had his fucking weapon out on the street.
00:57:18
Speaker
Yeah, that's what we need. That's a dude in that green t-shirt. Green t-shirt guy. Can we get another green t-shirt guy? Can he make all the decisions I know nothing about? Yeah. Can he make all the decisions I know nothing about? Well, it's all public information, so you not knowing anything is your own fault. Well, that's because I'm a white, fat devil. Yeah, exactly. That's because I'm a Nazi, Jim. That's true. I mean, I've been accused of it, too. Being accused of being a Nazi. Remember when we got accused of being Nazis when we worked for Starbucks? We got accused of being Nazis because we literally, like, didn't hand somebody a napkin.
00:57:46
Speaker
No, I think we fucking Nazi we were talking about we were we were like kidding about like something awful and then They said we said something along the lines of like what is it? Do I look like I got a swastika on my shirt? Like it was like a joke or whatever and they were like oh My god. Oh my god. I can't believe I'm this lucky to catch a real Nazi Oh My god look I literally work with a Hitler fuck him he's fat oh
00:58:16
Speaker
Hell yeah, this is sponsored by Diet Coke. Hell yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. I just took a hot dose. This podcast is sponsored by Big Soads. This podcast is brought to you by Donald J. Trump. This is Drinking Buddies podcast. You like a big bottle of suds? I like a big old tank of mug.
00:58:36
Speaker
Oh my god, I need a mugger beer right now. I need a fucking mug. I'm gonna get an abortion tonight fellas. Oh, you shouldn't get an abortion before they get rid of them. A boy abortion? You should get, everyone in here should get an abortion before they get rid of them. No, they already got rid of them. I thought they're still doing them. They're doing them, but like they're back alley ones.
00:58:56
Speaker
This is the ones you want they're doing out. They're doing like beer garden half off. Yeah, they were traded portion clothes for beer garden. Yeah Christ give me the abortions back, please. Oh my god. Oh my god. Get me the fuck out of a beer garden. It's the worst garden I've ever been in my life. I gotta fuck a beer fucking What are they growing cargo shorts? Yeah, dude, I actually like beer gardens. I got a beer gardens too
00:59:17
Speaker
Here's an opinion and goes here's the opposite Fucking TJ Lee's a fucking Nazi, dude Faggot kid fucker I hate
00:59:47
Speaker
Just kidding. He's a crazy boy, though. What's up, crazy boys? All right, brother, we're about to wrap this thing up, man. Yeah, let's go. All right, this has been a Close to Hell podcast. We're getting pretty close, I would say. Yeah, closer and closer. All right, brother, we're about to wrap this thing up, man. Yeah, let's go. All right, this has been a Close to Hell podcast. We're getting pretty close, I would say. Yeah, closer and closer. See you next week, pigs. Love you.