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EP 20: Wet Turkey Podcast
123 Plays8 months ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Boners at the Doctor’s Office, Going Home Early, & Things we would do if we Won the Lottery.
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Transcript
Introductions and Middle School Physicals
00:00:00
Speaker
ah Welcome back, everybody, to Close to Hell. ah We are so excited to have you guys with us. It is Jim Gillespie, T.J. Lee, to my right, and to his right, John Prophet. Welcome back, boys. Hey, what's going on? can you get twenty I made you stop because I wanted you to talk about this when it's being recorded. You got hard in a doctor's face. Very physical. I used to have to get physicals every year because I played sports. So I was in middle school. ummer Yeah, I was kind of a jock, sick, cool kid. You were a jock, so... Total jock.
School Days: Bullying, Pranks, and Hulk Hogan
00:00:35
Speaker
You was a jock. Total jock. I see him bully kids. Total jock. Swirlies, you know, upside down, shake the coins out type of jock. I've always wanted to do that to somebody. Hold them by their feet, shake them. My dad did that to me at Kohl's. I honestly thought, like, that's how I was going to make money. I thought that's how I was going to make money as a kid. Rob people? yeah my dad My dad one time carried me out of the wah-wah by my belt loops.
00:00:59
Speaker
when he when I went to Wawa when I wasn't supposed to. Was he fucking Hulk Hogan? Yeah, it was awesome. Well, he should have Brock Lesnar. Yeah, he was on fucking... He was on the same stuff. who oh Yeah, I mean, if if if Hulk Hogan got big on Rolling Rock, then yeah. He got big on cheeses and Rolling Rock. Yeah, yeah. Box-smashed potatoes and Rolling Rock. Is that how Hulk Hogan got his biceps? Box-smashed is nice.
00:01:23
Speaker
box mash the flakes. It's not bad. Mix it with a little sink water. That's how the astronauts eat it. Fist flight. Who gets the rest? Did you guys have it? I have to hold on. Exploit? Exploit? No. Of course not. So I got a physical and a
Awkward Medical Stories and Growing Up
00:01:35
Speaker
shout out. What's funny is a The doctor that I had when I was in like middle school, like elementary school, middle school, it was the same doctor I had my entire life. He delivered me out of my mom's pussy. oh shit And he stayed my doctor forever.
00:01:50
Speaker
who And so like well into puberty. So he had seen my wiener fucking the day I was born. Till like it had like hair on it that I didn't know how to maintain yet. Yeah, i mean you're like 13 years ago it'll It'll come soon. I'm like it'll show up soon why does it hurt when i stick it in the the fucking banister yeah it was yeah why is her watchinging in the bedsil strike and it bleed when i smack it um No, so I I had a physical and like I don't know I didn't like purposely like get hard but like I
00:02:25
Speaker
I don't know. i the I feel like the anticipation of knowing like at like 12 or 13 that like it was going to get like touched. I got like hard. And then it was the it wasn't like a nurse or anything. It was the doctor himself. Doctor. It was doctor. We won't say is trying to say his I'll tell you after the pod we can look him up. See if there's a picture of him on Google. What does this guy look like? Was he at home? He looked like ah you know he he looked like he looked like fucking um He looked like, kind of like, what's his face? I can't think of his name. The fucking Jurassic Park. The main guy? The guy with the old guy. Start naming actors. I've never seen Jurassic Park. The guy in the cane? Who's the guy that I fucking got the metal straw from when I went to Conan? Jeff Goldblum? Jeff Goldblum, dude. Jeff Goldblum, he looked like him. I'm not even a straight person, but get hard for Jeff Goldblum.
00:03:18
Speaker
It was so weird. I got hard and and like he was like touching my balls and I had like a powder in his face. No. Nope. Because I was like he's saying I was looking I was looking over his head. I was like he was like feeling my nuts and like I was like so hard. Like if he had a cracked a joke I might have busted like if he had to said anything. out show I had a I had a doctor as a kid. I had the same pediatricians while I was like 20. And then he was literally like, you have to stop coming here. Like, I'm tired. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, like, no his doctor broke up with you. I'm a child's doctor. Oh, you know me. You stink. Yeah. You got a huge bush. You look like I forget his name, but his he looked exactly like Michael Nutter. Yeah. Michael Nutter doctor. I had a Michael. know I had Jeff Goldblum. He was your doctor. Freezing cold, ashy hands, dude. So ashy.
00:04:11
Speaker
I like this old like Asian lady. I look like awesome lucked out. yeah locked out Yeah she she just looked like a dumpling she
Drugs and Music: Influence and Critique
00:04:20
Speaker
like a do bull she looked like a dompling fuck i wish i had that then like short Yeah, that's literally all she was touching it. She was touching it He was. liked it. I didn't have one. I just would have dumplings. I just got dumplings. I'm going to get fumbled. I feel like I'm bouncing around from doctor to doctor a lot because I never had like... You're a whore. Yeah, yeah it was I was a whore. I'm a doctor whore. You're a medical whore. We're the first generation that like we don't like worship doctors. yeah like Our parents are like, oh, it's doctor so-and-so. They're like a rock star to them.
00:04:58
Speaker
You know, you know, Dr. Fucking. Yeah. The doctor that the fucking boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
00:05:15
Speaker
and we don't really do we're generation from pillheads well i think we're the yeah we're the there' like a there's a Yeah, we're we're like in the cold we're the ones in the cold when the pill heads trying to get it yeah I feel like some of us like we know what it does, but we still do it anyway Yeah, yeah see but that's the thing like and those people actually in in a weird way kind of almost like helped because it's like people do that shit is scummy what alexander Yeah, that's horrible It's not a fun drug to do.
Reflections on Teenage Years and Music
00:05:47
Speaker
I did it in eighth grade and it scared me from drugs. yeah i never After I tried that, I didn't like drugs.
00:05:52
Speaker
i't Yeah, Xanax is like yeah, i had a horrible thing I should punch us. I should punch something hard. I don't know. It's fucking not like fun. ri what does it do I thought it just like put you to sleep. I was just drowsy and very my head felt heavy and I felt very like I felt like static. I didn't like it at all. Feel like I didn't feel high. I didn't feel giggly or hungry or like you forward I felt like fucking tired depressed. No, you're literally just like fuck. That's why all those songs and those rappers bug but la love honest Yeah, they're literally zombie doubt
00:06:26
Speaker
I took a 10-hour shower. Yeah, it's like emo rap. It's the gay shit I've ever heard in my fucking life, dude. It's so gay. And my dick still stunk. And why did you leave me, Darla? Yeah. I'm like shit like that, so gay. Coming to your waitress job. As soon as rap became like anything other than like... As soon as white people started doing it. That's good, right? Emo, like suicide boys type shit. I hate that stuff.
00:06:54
Speaker
I remember when we were in school, there was a fucking there was a rapper like kind of rapper called Hollywood undead. They are. They are the worst. Fucking. I will come out right now and fight all of them. They need to be that whole era was so bad. So cringy. co-worker music, they call that shit? It is co-worker music. Have you heard co-worker music? No, that's hilarious. Co-worker music is so funny. It's just like shit that you couldn't ever fucking believe somebody would ever listen to. People always know. Oh, God, that song makes me so angry. Rap music should be about fucking and crime. Not like raps should be about... That's the soundtrack to a 14-year-old girl getting raped.
00:07:38
Speaker
Oh my god, it is because this rap. That's what like fucking dickhead like seniors like listen to like Freshman. Yeah, like senior dudes that like fuck freshman like that was like oh Slayers like Jim's like Kings you mean even the coolest fucking guys you're The best dudes of all time you the coolest dudes ever in super Kings Back in school when it didn't matter what your car looked like you just had a car you were like Scarface Here's a car. The guy would get out of the car and be like an octopus. It'd be one foot tall. It'd just be a foot. Yeah, the car. A face on a foot. I love him. I love him. You ready to go? You ready to go? Wearing his jersey? Yeah. He has a jersey? Yeah. i remember like I remember chicks I would hang out with, like but like fuck dudes like that. and like That dude would have to like drive two blocks a away to pick him up.
00:08:30
Speaker
My favorite fucking thing. Y'all lie when I go to like church. Yeah. Like, I'm full of my mom on church. Mom, I'm wearing all these to go to church, not finger fuck this guy in a parking lot somewhere.
00:08:44
Speaker
My favorite thing ever is the hoodie string. The hoodie string. That fucking kid, dude. We were talking about people that got pussy that I don't even know how to- You got pussy from a hoodie string? No, this kid- It's just an abstract idea. It's an abstract idea that two losers like us have been talking about, but there was this kid when I was in middle school who was like, Like a cute like hunky white guy and like he's to suck on his fucking hoodie string Okay, it would soak all the way down to the hoodie and then he would have a Blob That's gross. And girls thought it was the cutest fucking thing ever. It's literally a retard. It's like Seismatism. He's literally retarded. He would watch him fucking. He was like he's so like anxious.
00:09:30
Speaker
Like, that's fucking disgusting. I'm anxious. I smell like poop. That's anxious. I watched four cats eat this morning. Smell me. Yeah, smell me. That's anxious. That's anxious. You want anxious, baby? You want anxious, baby? Are you looking for anxious? You want anxious, baby? You want anxious, baby. You're bucking up the right tree. Yeah. I always stunk. Oh, my God. Dude, a lot of my opinions about people are people that didn't stink. I'd be like, oh, I already don't like you. You smell good.
00:09:57
Speaker
and already you got something you already got something to say You push women away. they smoke yeah You free life, right? Men like me don't come into a house like yours. Unless we're killing bugs.
00:10:14
Speaker
ah ah Unless we're putting your cat down. In the house. yeah that We do it in house. We do house calls.
00:10:26
Speaker
Go lay down. Cut a mom to go live.
00:10:34
Speaker
On the coffee table. We should start a business where we put people's best out in house. In house. We do it at home. We come to you. People do it now. People just have them come out to your house. Do you recognize your dog? At your house, yeah. I guess that's the best place to do it. I want to do it at home.
00:10:52
Speaker
I don't want his last memory to be the of a scary vet. I want when I murder him, I want him to know exactly what's happening. Yeah, I want him to be murdered in the house. Yeah. Kill him in the house. No, we're not murdering him in some hospital with fucking medicine that makes him feel better or in a piece of chocolate. I did. I did a working interview at a vet like like customer. like It was like a fucking stupid job or whatever. yeah It was like 14 bucks an hour, but they make you like walk around and take a tour of the place.
00:11:27
Speaker
And i was I literally grabbed a piece of chocolate in the fucking doctor's office off the thing. She's like, don't eat too many of those. We have a lot of euthanizations coming up this month. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, they all got a Hershey bar before we put them down so they can like taste chocolate for like the first and last time.
00:11:45
Speaker
god that's yeah and ily sad i mean it's pretty it's yeah It's nice yeah, and they made me hold a cat still while they checked it for glands I'm gonna hold a cat down while they fingered his asshole like wow They have no idea what that means They have no idea what that means. The cat has no idea you understand its glands. They're like glands. What the fuck? I ate a fucking shoelace two days ago. Glands? Yeah. Glands? Glands? I ate half the Christmas tree. What the fuck are you talking about? They had Hershey bars for that. That's cool. So they can have chocolate for the first and last time. What did they give a cat? Shit. I don't know. I don't even know. What are cats that actually went to? Fucking attitude. What do cats even fucking want? What's a cat's favorite snack? What's a cat's favorite snack? Look up a cat's final meal at the vet.
00:12:31
Speaker
What's a cat's final meal if he's a murderer? A cat on death row, what's he get? I love that you tell your parents you're working right now. Yeah, this is work. Working my get a preferred wet food a blend easily digestible like tuna or specifically formulated like how do they know though? What if the cats their whole life of my cat like snickerdoodles? They don't cats really don't like anything other than shit. They out they like grind it he really shit Yeah, smelly shit so her she knows for them too because when you open it they're like It's terrible. yeah She's got old. She's got old lady teeth now. So she likes ah soft stuff. I noticed i like her. I noticed that like she was like half chewing the fucking hard food. um So now she's eating wet food and she's eating this shit called shreds. Yeah. And like now all she does is meow for shreds yeah because it's fucking the most delicious shit she's ever had because it's fucking like I've got her directly on fentanyl pretty much giving her big hits.
00:13:30
Speaker
I'm giving her a huge I open up a ba can of it and she like licks the thing clean and then like Baps it on the floor and then she's like oh yeah keep going. I'm like I can't just my cat because it's so good for them but also like it and bad for them. It makes them fat. It's it's full of like water and protein. They say that wet foods have electrolytes on them. Rehydrate is the main thing for cats is kidney.
00:13:56
Speaker
I googled it today and they said, and they said your cat needs scheduled play time. They were like, if your cat is going through a food obsession, buy with them switching it over, you have to like tire them. I have to tire an oven. I have to get a laser pointer. Yeah. you ever played with the yeah that's why i think That's why I think that they don't have a preference for a last meal. because it's like you know either Give me the wet food and then run a laser. i open I open up a can of wet food and she's like, Oh my God. Yeah. It's like, it's like, Oh my God. It's like seeing Taylor Swift for them every time. it is They literally like boogie like little swive. He gets on this hind legs and is like, yeah. Thanks dad.
00:14:38
Speaker
Compliments to the chef. Yeah, I heard the cats like to wake you up at dawn Because they think that you're like like the hunter. Oh And they don't want you to miss they don't want you to miss the hunt They're like, they're like, yo, you got shit to do like yo, bro. I'm hungry um you to go out You need to go out you need to go out to shoot an arrow on them cans outside. Yeah, you gotta can animals Dragon a can animal in I do eat so I eat sardines a lot too. And every time I bring sardines and they hear the can, like they hear the can like tap the counter and they're like, oh, fucking shit. Oh, my God. Like he's feeding us at four a.m. You're like, yay ro yeah, right. How are you hitting those sardines? Yeah. Straight out of the can. Just straight out of the can. Right. Crack the top off. And then there's one side that's kind of taking a piece of bread and getting that. Well, I've done it, but I'm not a pig.
00:15:33
Speaker
I like to imagine you just with a lighter i said the juice out i start the juice out first slurp the juice That's cool you know well it's crazyers that's beyond its flavor it is flavor Sippin the kids sippin the kids. Yeah, fuck he so you're berserk. I already I already your next level that be like your last meal would you like sardines now My last meal would be like I have like a lizzo amount of lobster oh live seafood lobster yeah seafood I think I think I could get any steak right now if I wanted to But a seafood boil, I would get like big three pound lobsters and clams and like I would just eat until I fucking exploded. um I mean, I would be such a problem if I was on like death row, I would eat so much that they would have to clean up so much after they fucking shocked me to death. Oh shit. Oh shit. Everywhere. I'm wondering like if I like shellfish or I just like melted butter.
00:16:27
Speaker
Yeah, i mean to certain things I won't dip in melted butter. I think it's crazy. Yeah, it's pure like lobster. would you Just lobster yeah so lobster. Just like that. I'm not into I like scallops. ah Perfect scallop seared little crust on it. Very good. I had really bad food poisoning from them when I was a kid. I love them. But like a lobster, all that white fat the fat that's inside the tail. I don't get i think I just need to have a lobster. I've never had it.
00:16:55
Speaker
You would probably fucking die. It's so good. I'd probably fucking die. What's that? What's that? Do we get a surf and turf or something? What's that feeling? I'm more of a steak. That's house, dude. I don't like a grilled lobster. When you go to a surf and turf, they always grill the lobster. It's like eating a fucking sneaker. So you like it boiled? I like it boiled. Yeah, they're steamed. Okay. 20 minutes steamed. Quick fucking... Then when you crack it, all the juice is poured out of it. That is true, yeah. When you grill it, it looks like a fucking... It's like, freak me out, man. You're cooking up a slip-on van. It's like eating a tom. You freak me out.
00:17:25
Speaker
It looks like a big bug. It is a big bug. It is a big bug. It is a big bug. It's a big bug. The cow's like a big dog. That's true. That sounds like one thing. Cows are banging though. Cows are fucking banging. I know what you know what I mean. It's crazy that people killed certain animals first before realized like they hunted them down. Yeah. And then like didn't like like somebody eating a crap for the first time was probably like they're probably go I dare to eat that.
00:17:54
Speaker
And then they were like, you know, hey, we have the wishes that it was poor food lobster. yeah All that. All that seafood shit. ah You eat the bug out of the ocean.
00:18:05
Speaker
yeah Eat the sea bugs cool yeah i'll rate my cause i figured out that you know butter on it it becomes this Is there butter on it? Transcendent butter butter is like a volume knob for flavor it's like It's like it puts everything on a level literally puts everything on a lever because of butter that makes good Yeah, it just fucking ties everything in binds everything up. ah do I do see food. We just had calamari at this place Wilder. That was super delicious Next to helium. I made some little slave sandwiches, dude and maybe I mean I mean like it's like my own version of a slave breakfast. what does That means there's butter and biscuits and grape grape and grape juice involved
00:18:46
Speaker
Is that a slave breakfast? so I don't know, I wasn't a slave. I don't know. It felt like slaves? My ass got big when I was making it. I got a big slave ass. I wish on slave food was like soul food.
00:19:03
Speaker
sorrys of Like pigs rooted in that where you do it where you read did you have your hand on your hip? I have my hand on my hip and I was quiet as hell know i I made a I made scrapple on like a fucking cast-iron skillet <unk> i didn't like yeah's a whole sc scrapbble yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't got the scraps myself no i Scrapped it all I cut two pounds of scrapple into these thick squares on this I don't like why did some thick for me and then suffer me the sin for the crowd and for the people that like to eat it nothing but like I made scrapple and then like nothing and then my fiance's sister's fiancee future brother-in-law uh-huh he made biscuits black cowboy yeah black cowboy didn't didn't tell a soul that he made biscuits I started within biscuits
00:19:52
Speaker
I'm like, what the hell is that? Because the oven light didn't work. He goes out, check this out. Pops it open. He made like 20 biscuits, like buttered fucking breakfast biscuits. Whoa. Scrapple egg and cheese on a biscuit with a little bit of sriracha and mayo. TJ and I are doing hand drops right now. You guys are hand dropping each other. We're hand dropping. So good. We're hand dropping at this story about biscuits. A buttered biscuit's also a big volume knob. That's bass. Yeah. That's the bass knob.
00:20:18
Speaker
That's the base. A good biscuit. That sounds like an Impala pulling up to a corner store and leaving the fucking speakers. to dog Let it dump while you're going there by do rags and chips. It's like that. Yeah, that was good. Yeah. How was your Thanksgiving? Pretty good.
00:20:34
Speaker
would you do for nice we didn't really do much we didn't do like a traditional like american thanksgiving we did like a
00:20:41
Speaker
yeah like korean food and then i'm just like what is this focus this shit that kim cheat a fucking turkey hey to quail and i learned that now having time all of it And then the day after me Jim and Isaac were trying to go to Boston Market But every Boston Market in the Philadelphia area has been closed down Apparently now that I have rats in your kitchen bullshit They're probably cooking up rats in that motherfucker. I don't give a shit. I just deleted that. It was so good. So good. Well, you never had barbecue moth ribs? You never had moth heads. He's a moth head soup. It's just like home. But my fiance's mom's boyfriend made a turkey soup the next day. He took the carcass and he slow cooked the carcass and made a good stock. That was fucking good.
00:21:35
Speaker
People say they hate turkey on Thanksgiving. I'm like, it's the only time I eat turkey. I eat turkey hoagies from Wawa. But that doesn't count. that' I think I eat turkey. That's like a gelatinous fucking process. fuck It's turkey. It's still turkey. I eat turkey every fucking day. I think it's turkey too. I know it's not turkey. It's definitely turkey. it is It's pressed salted, pressed aged.
00:21:59
Speaker
And then repressed yeah repressed ground pressed punch kicked Finisher yeah that Kick out at two I could freak on some turkey. I like wet. I through i like wet turkey you wet Welcome to wet turkey podcast Lunch meat cold cuts. That's we know what you rank. What's your number one? that' sure're right What's your number one at the death? I'm if you're if I had the deli you got you got 50 bucks.
00:22:24
Speaker
but We should do that for an episode. I'll just go to- It would tell you 50 bucks. Do we can get- Deli- 50 bucks? Deli- 50 bucks. I'm at the Deli counter at Acme, and I gotta get fucking- 50 bucks is such a trashy amount of money to have. You got 50 bucks, so, you know, you're a fucking niro. Well, I'm getting the fuck yeah I'm getting a loaf of stromae. He's got 50 bucks. I'm getting a loaf of stromae. Okay. All right. we go we're We're not getting rolls. Yeah. We're in Kardashian. It's going to be a fucking sandwich. Oh, we're having sandwiches. Okay.
00:23:02
Speaker
We're gonna, we're gonna strobe and First and foremost, anybody with a disagree, you can fucking head out. um um People talk potato, and it's it's too much. Potato's nice. Potato's nice for a burger.
00:23:17
Speaker
but um Nevermind. Continue. I don't know. This is your dream. This is my. is is my fucking It's a good dream to have. excuse We're getting fucking. My favorite thing you can get from the cold cuts is we can get you that buffalo chicken buffalo ram.
00:23:35
Speaker
before i get the orange That's always a crowd pleaser. That would always, that would always get some reaction. It's a head turner. It's a have because you know, that, that Zing yeah it's got the Zing, but also we're getting fucking, we're getting Cooper sharp American cheese. Yeah.
00:23:52
Speaker
and We're getting we're getting tomato. We're getting a pickle and we're getting a fucking a bag of chips. We're getting fucking Kettle Cook salt and pepper chips. Something hard. Salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. Kettle Cook. chips cattlecoke Smackdown. And then you come down. you come You come down. You put on an episode of of Smackdown in 2004. You just start in January. It's funny. I would. If I just did that every day, I'd probably would never even be sad once. like No one's ever been sad. Yeah. Just do that.
00:24:23
Speaker
There's a loneliness epidemic for men, but there's also a smackdown epidemic for men going on. That's why the Creed just like re-emerged, like yeah men as a whole were depressed. People went, hey, remember Creed? And then the world went, yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? did Why did we forget about this? yeah Well, now music lives forever because streaming. Yeah, which is kind of sick.
00:24:43
Speaker
You can just have any song just so readily available to you. That's true. You know, which is kind of cool that like you could just finally like hidden gems that you like never heard of before. Like oldies. Yeah, there's a lot of bands and stuff that didn't get popular because they didn't like. There's a show to like curated playlists. Some Jew didn't fucking put them on VHS tape or whatever.
00:25:03
Speaker
be it just taps There's so many people making like curated playlists now Like DJ's it's like it's like you'll you'll like stumble upon something. It's like it's like music for when you're literally gonna fucking blow your brains out yeah If you look up on Spotify any emotion you have there's a playlist for it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, and YouTube too I didn't wipe correct so i like i didn't wipe correctly three yeah what the fuck yeah third one Yeah, what's this pain in my lower back too? on gray's anatomy Yeah I think as far as like deli meats go, I'm gonna go a cold, thin, honey smoked turkey. Yeah. Honey smoked. Right. And I wanted to- Right, you want the honey cigarettes? I want the honey to be like this after it was done being brought up. Yes. Like the bees came from your grandma's porch. Like you want that level of smoke? I took a turkey and stuffed it in a honey, like in a fucking honeycomb and just let it sit there. Beehive. Yeah. Honey smoked.
00:25:56
Speaker
Deli like a deli for me is that's what I hear from all about target. Yeah, woman walks around target. I walk around a deli I check out I check on everything I'm looking around how much is this this week? I hate that food. I like hate him like but but <unk>s down this But I am on the same same page as you is having a slice of bread fuck a hoagie give me a sandwich a sandwich. Yeah, with the it's a ratio thing for me, unless it's like a seeded role and I'm getting like a fucking Italian hoagie that hurts like a hoagie, like a fucking hoagie. I hope I really want to have a hoagie so much. I don't hate them, but I had one. I had one from the skimp out on the meat. Give me a hoagie that I can't. finish Dude, the Philly, the Philly wah wah that I went to. It was so tragic locked up. well Last case, probably. It's good for good reason, because when they do get involved, the lady that made my hoagie, she was like in the worst mood I've ever seen anyone in. And she made Rob day times at night. She she made the shit out of my hoagie. It was the best hoagie I ever fucking had. Hoagie. It was incredible. It was me and you and Trevor. Oh, that was a Manny. OK, I guess that's still Philly. No, that wasn't that was. a ah well Which one was that? Yeah. and
00:27:16
Speaker
Okay yeah so it was pretty fucking trashy though and so the lady was in the worst fucking mood ever. Oh it was the worst yeah. yeah a yeah i hope he's not gonna taste good yeah they need to be like
00:27:32
Speaker
And then they don't like I love I love in places like that like good places that are like solid like they they won't deal with people. Yeah, someone's like, um, I don't they're like, all right, you got to like get out of line. You have to get the fuck out of my face. That's what I'm trying to do with this. but Bring another person on. Yeah. Trying to bring that Philly energy into the hard work. Know what you want. Philly always does the stuff there. Oh, that's right. Yeah. TJ's working in Ardmore now. So he's like, he's got that like Philly like, let's go. Yeah. These people are like not about it at all. These people come in there and they're like,
00:27:59
Speaker
No, some of them, they're on it. They're like, they know what they want. They say stuff to be like, honey, watch this. I'll have a whiz web. And TJ's like, ah get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. What's your customer service voice in our board? Let's hear it. Customer service voice? It's pretty much the same. I'm just like, hey, how you doing?
00:28:20
Speaker
I walk into this what's called a genius. I walk in the genies and I go I go. Oh, this place is cute. Hey, how you doing? What do you say? Have you been helped yet? You just watch. Wow. You just what will you just watch me walk in. Oh, OK. We're going to go for you.
00:28:38
Speaker
Well, I'm confused because you said, have you been helped yet? But you just watched me walk in and you you don' you to you seem like you don't want me here. Well, I didn't know if you ordered already with someone else. I just got I just walked on the counter. I hope you do. In my mind, I'll be like, yeah maybe we can maybe we just start. I don't know. Maybe we can start with menus or something. You got menus, fucking menus. We got one on the like right on the counter here. There's one on the table right there. Like right behind me right here in the wall, you know.
00:29:06
Speaker
If you have any questions, I'm right here. People in the main line. Now for the combo. it would but That would make me so... I already have to drive around these fucking people. These people, they walk like they have nowhere to be. They actually don't though. They literally don't. They all work from home for two hours. They make that hot warm cup of coffee and they go...
00:29:25
Speaker
i I see people walking ah out. That's literally their whole job. I see people walking by the store all the time because it's like a bunch of windows. Tuesday at 11. Yeah, I'm just like, where are you walking? They just work from home. they Work from home job. They're walking. so They walk to SoulCycle. And then they walk back from SoulCycle and they stop at Sweet dream because then we have and the down ban Green. But they don't tell Chad that they get the shrimp.
00:29:52
Speaker
because he doesnt if shrimpetss green they do they do secrets stra secret stream go be great shrimp bit thats why i call my video on the secret fab bit menu it's just a secret mama and you you ever see Do you ever see healthy people in classes Yeah, all the time. It's mostly... What is that? What is that? Oh, i'm thinking I'm thinking of the one where it's the fucking fatties. I do spin. it's the It's the fatties with the fucking drumsticks on the medicine ball. That shit. It's like, I don't see theater like like like anything not work out. It's like all the comments are like, anything, but we're like, just just exercise. byed by Bro, just exercise. Bro, just walk. Just walk.
00:30:28
Speaker
It's these fat chicks that are literally hitting ah like a medicine ball that's in a tub with like drone sticks. And everyone's just like... A million fucking dollars. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the whole thing. It's a racket. My problem is every time I want to work out, I keep buying it for myself. trainers are good, though, i I hope. I would kill for a personal trainer. I would kill for somebody. What I need is someone to take care of my finances for me because I'm a mentally retarded man.
00:30:56
Speaker
Yeah, I'm retarded. That's what I actually need. I need a person to watch my money because I'm mentally retarded. I'm facing this thing right now where it's like make career moves. It's like do things, you know, that's going to help your finances and like help your savings. And it's like, I need to help like not being a fucking retard. That's like the first part. How do I do that?
00:31:13
Speaker
Where do you go? What do you even do? I'm 27. How do I stop being a retard? I'm like, i'm um I'll read. But it's like a comic book. It's like a magazine. i like i was reading I was reading the other day. My dad came up and turned the book upside down. He said, let's try, pal.
00:31:32
Speaker
I always start from the middle, because it looks like I'm actually doing something. I always start from the middle. We both start from the middle. so The reason I think I live in The Matrix is because I've never seen anyone start a book. That's never happened. You've never... Page one. No one's ever read an epilogue in front of me. That's because normal people don't sit in public with the book while they're starting it. Normal people don't even tell anyone they read.
00:31:54
Speaker
or i'm like i'm No, normal people talk about books. yeah In life, I'm still no pencil case kid. In life, I am no pencil case kid. I'm no backpack kid. I'm literally scrambled. Everyone's like, you know, I'm like, and it's funny, no one's even said that to me.
00:32:09
Speaker
And they're like, you don't? Like, that's how I feel all the time. I'm like, I don't have that. You're so retarded. You're living your life thinking people wonder if you read. Yeah, dude, I thought about that. People look at me, they go, they could tell I've never read anything in my life. This is a job interview.
00:32:27
Speaker
but what are yourro what do your scottie do like what are you they're like What are your weaknesses, I'm like if I told you my real weaknesses, I wouldn't be here My weaknesses you have to tell me you work start with yours that I should always do that on interview. I want to start with yours my yeah got flip it my weakness interview on the head My weaknesses are I never drink water and I don't fucking read nothing. Unless it's a mean comment about a so mentally challenged girl at a supermarket, I'm not fucking reading it. I'm sorry, I just don't care. I don't fucking care. I don't really stop this. Every time I've ever, I read one book in high school. I read one book and it was pet cemetery. That was it. like I liked it, it took forever to read it though. Because I fucking like wouldn't read it. Like I was like, no, no.
00:33:13
Speaker
like it's like i um um you um yeah but really yeah just like see one word he's literally like it properly We need that we need to put you through like psychotherapy where it's like reading is hot wings Reading is cheesesteaks. Yeah, dude. if So you're just like... I would read if reading... Sneaking off to read? Yeah, I would read if reading felt like smoking cigarettes. Yeah. If it felt like, I wish everything that I did was healthy for me. That's the only thing I ever wished for. Like Coke's coke hydrate.
00:33:45
Speaker
if If ice cream makes you skinny, I would literally do anything else in the world. I wouldn't care if my life was like live in this like sewage pool and eat poop all day. It cokes good for you and ice cream is good for you and hoagies make you skinny. I'd do whatever.
00:34:01
Speaker
Every time I've ever, like the funny part is I know people that said that they've read something where I'm like, I know you didn't read that. You just don't believe anybody. I think everyone's full of shit. yeah and well what's What's hilarious is probably you're mostly right. I'm by 90% right, but that other 10% ruins everyone expectations of everybody. It keeps you rotten. I was talking with people one night, and I was like at a bar, just like bullshitting, and this one guy goes,
00:34:28
Speaker
We were talking about like late like literally just like something fucking happened and this guy goes that reminds me of the this poet how fizz and I was like yeah Immediately, I was like fuck you fuck double god mouth double back i wanted yeah If I had to said what I really wanted to say I would have said double mouth gun yeah it to him And I just let him like he he did like a thing like he was just like, um, which basically he was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, which basically means blue. I literally don't even remember what he was saying. I was so fucking furious that I had started because it it was then I knew that I was completely out of place isn't it but because I felt good the entire night and then up to that moment. Yeah. Then they say they said this thing that was just like, I'll never be able to not think about that and I'll never like you. Yeah. Now you think that's a good quality or bad quality?
00:35:13
Speaker
ah Well, it's a petty thing to not ever want to see someone again over and That's how we are But also like I've seen people that said some shit before I'm like I'll never speak to you ever again like that type of bullshit Character type shit that that person was doing is childish me Like I'm just so beyond that like term for that is that virtue signaling I don't know what that is. I think that's just trying to be like impressive. like I don't I don't have a word for it though. There's a good time. I don't do the words. I just signals it's a but he's trying to be like a white knight kind of. Oh, that's right. like People will be like, I'm not racist. Like I kind of. Yeah, people this is more like this was more like putting on watch when your boys did that watch when your boys do that. Yeah. Watch like a friend do that shit. And you're looking at him like, who the fuck do you think you are? I literally that's happened to me outside. Yeah, yeah.
00:36:04
Speaker
like i do in that time
00:36:07
Speaker
Everyone does I've had job interviews with her. I'm like, you know, listen, I'm like, I'm the kind of guy you gotta pull. You gotta pull me off the work. You gotta pull me off the work with a tranq dart. You know what I mean? Meanwhile, I go to work. I'm like, I think it's fucking shit. I'm gonna shit. I'm gonna go play on my phone and shit.
00:36:25
Speaker
Imagine your weaknesses at a job interview, like, what's your weaknesses? I like this shit a lot. I have shit all the time. I sit on the toilet sometimes. I don't even shit. I just have to get away from this fucking job. I just gotta get away from this fucking job. Oh my God, that's literally the story of my life. I'm like, I gotta get the fuck away. I'll sit and fart and shoot blanks into a toilet for a fucking hour. I would sit on the toilet at Starbucks and FaceTime people. That's hilarious. It's fucking the most dumb poo-poo steak butt job of all time. Everybody at work, like, I've been places where they'll send somebody out to get something.
00:36:54
Speaker
They'll send someone out to get lunch for everybody, or they'll send somebody to Home Depot for something. They'll be like, I don't want to go. I'll go. I'll drive to New Jersey right now. I'll leave right now. I'll fucking leave right now. I'll never go back if you told me not to. No, if it's like in Philly, I'm going to Wildwood and then going to Philly. I'm literally like, I'm going to go stop and get Wendy's shit, play on my phone, smoke a cigarette, shit, Wendy's, then I'm going to go to the fucking place.
00:37:23
Speaker
It's like, what's your worst quality? It's like, I'm a fucking slacker, because I hate every job I've ever done. I'm not doing what I really want to do, so I hate everything that I've done. Yeah, but what I really want to do is swim in every pool in America. Yeah, that's real life. That's what I want to do, and I would ever... That's so funny. Guess what? I would show up sick to work every fucking day like that. That would be so funny. That's what you wrote in every single... That's what you've always wanted to be.
00:37:47
Speaker
I'm your whole life. I don't want to be nothing but a pool adventurous. I want to be and yeah I want to swim in every I want to test people's brand-new pools out for him and like their john wants to me invited to a pool party all this I want to be the guy at every pool mar guy does that a swim yeah and I'm not even like not even like like I'm not even handsome or like attractive there's really good cannonballs I love them so he doesn't even talk to anyone yeah i feel like mostly here like ads to be ah honestly I feel like there needs to be the person and two burgers he wants two burgers two burgers please make them right and to
00:38:20
Speaker
Yeah. Please make him right. He's kind of like a so he's sick. I want I want a cold can of Coke or a cold can of fucking blackberry can of the dry. That's been my new jam. Oh, is that fucking good Lord. That's ah that's a heavy hit.
00:38:35
Speaker
That's a heavy hit, that. A fucking double cheeseburger. That's the Klonopin of sodas. double you know Double cheeseburger with fucking glazed donut bun on either side. Jesus Christ. We have cannonballs all day. Perfect life. that's That is a perfect life. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm yet to have a donut burger, but it's funny that I know it's in my future. It's good.
00:38:58
Speaker
It's too good. It's a little bit too much for me. I don't like the sweet and the salty like that. I'm not saying like every night. I'm not saying like, let's get lunch at work and do that. That'd be really funny. No, the only thing that's left after that is either lazy river or hot shower in bed.
00:39:13
Speaker
I worked at the bank one day and I went and got two McChickens and like fries and a drink and I like went back in there and I was like, you can't recover from McDonald's at work. You can't recover from it. I shit twice and even then I was still like,
00:39:29
Speaker
I think I should fucking die. Yeah. I get depressed. i think I'm like Eeyore. After I have two McChickens, I'm like, I think I should fucking kill myself. Starbucks, I'd work like four hours in the morning, and then I would get lunch. I would go get a McGriddle and smoke five fucking cigarettes in 15 minutes. I'm back right as rain. I'm back right as rain. But still, I literally like every job I've ever had. Cigarettes and McDonald's fucking hate cigarettes and mcdonald's work together, though, because you're both like,
00:39:58
Speaker
They work together, it's a pimp and prostitute. One for your gut and one for your lungs. It's a pimp and prostitute. It's like they need each other to survive the street. It's like getting crossfaded. It's actually banging. It's like getting twisted. It's like getting twisted off a blunt and like two core slides. It's nice. McGriddle and five sakes. Yeah. But like, do you ever work somewhere with somebody that is just they wake up and they love their job and it's like the worst job ever?
00:40:24
Speaker
yeah never good jealouss of them No, I don't get jealous of them I always cause i'm like i lean on them yeah i'm saying like people that come in they're like god i love like like i love theyre Passionate about like shoveling shit or like first thing Yeah, I don't know if it's like they're passionate I get jealous of them cuz I'm like damn I literally sit here and think about how the fact that I all I want to do is hang out in a hot tub and play on my phone I look at them they give me help because i'm my el least I don't out of hard and well i i look at that person i go at least im mean a blessing to be that retard man i know if it's like they're like dream
00:40:57
Speaker
like so i don't think people i think certain people don't have I think certain people's dreams are things like i i think i think it's just like take care of like family and yeah i want a corvette or i want to drive like My dream is like this thing that I have to constantly be chasing some people's thing is a thing Yeah, I want to have a house You know, I could live, you see, the thing I'm chasing, I could live anywhere. I could live in a shill. But, like, some people, they want to own a house in this town, and they'll do whatever. That's my goal. Put on the mask. That's my goal, too. I want to have a house around here. What about a house in the suburbs? Oh, my God. I mean, if I ever... Phil, I want to do that by, like, swimming in every pool in America. Yeah, by doing your dream. Like, I want to do that. That's what I'm saying. I want to do that while, like, working at a place that I genuinely love. I have one thing. I don't ever want to call out anywhere. Yeah.
00:41:48
Speaker
That's my goal. Work somewhere where I don't want to miss it. You don't want to call out every day? I literally go to every job I go to. The first week I'm there, I want to call out right now. Why am I here? What am I doing? I'll call out every day. I never wanted to work at where I worked, ever. So I never wanted to go in. The only time I ever liked where I worked was the last place I worked at. It was because the people I worked with were fun to work with. That was it. I don't know if I agree with you. It was like chewable being there.
00:42:14
Speaker
i feel like i feel like this I feel like calling out is part of me liking where I work. Calling out is sexy. yeah Calling out is sexy. If a place is a place tells you to go home? Yeah, it's dope. Oh my god, take care of that. Are you okay? Are you sure? Yeah, take your time. I'll work forever for you. Not today. The whole thing is to get your boss to tell you to go home.
00:42:35
Speaker
Yeah. If you get your boss to tell you to go. That's literally getting it's like getting a hall pass. My eye. That's like fuck you. I got this thing in my eye. There's ways around it though. There's ways around it. I got something wrong. I'll tell you. like Oh do you need to go. And then when they say do you need to go. Yeah. It's the hardest. I've never said no. I've never said no. no I go.
00:43:05
Speaker
they i'm like ah sure whole time in my head i'm really boot thinking about like boot i'm fucking red that yeah holy shit of my fucking go do mark oh shit Oh my god, I'm gonna stop at Starbucks. I'm willing to pay There's always at least one thought feel like that but there's always one thought where you go I fucking I know I'm gonna pay for this on the back end but right now it's the i willingly I'll suck it up mentally that's staying in the hot shower for another five minutes yeah how is that five minutes how is it letting that fucking alarm go for five minutes and you're going I still am early I just like to be double early in high school when I was
00:43:51
Speaker
Oh my God. It's fucked up and it's nice because it's a gamble. That's what makes it feel nice because so on a Sunday you'll wake up at 8 a.m. and you're like fuck I wanted to do I want to sleep in like I fantasized about all week. But all week when you have to get up like this morning it was 24 degrees out when I woke up it was dark. I had baby girls like fucking warm thigh on my back. Cats are purring and like the foot of the bed. I'm wondering. That's quit fuel. over I literally was like I'm going to quit this place with nothing lined up. This feels too good. And then you go there and you're like and the guys like mourn like shut out shut are you Fucking ugly bald fucking bitch yeah fuck you baggie It's the truth though, it's the fucking truth It's the truth and then when I asked people like do you love what you do and they're like, yeah, I'm like ah how awesome That's awesome. I fucking hated here. I fucking I think about anything else when I know yeah I think about literally anything like you don't remember what he said I'm like, no, I don't remember what he said cuz I fucking hate him and I don't care I
00:44:48
Speaker
That's honest. I can't fucking focus. I can't focus because it sucks here and I'm going to shit all day. I mean, what would you say is like the highlights of like the shitty jobs that you've had? The highlights of shitty jobs that I've had was like a smoke pot. You need to start a business. That was the highlights of shitty jobs that I worked at is I could smoke pot.
00:45:08
Speaker
I didn't get drug tested. There wasn't like heavy machinery. Not a lot was asked of me. Like Starbucks was fun because it was kind of responsible. I had a little more responsibility than everyone else there because that was a shift. But all the only difference was I would could count the cash. And if somebody paid with $100, I'd have to make sure it was $100, which I never checked, by the way.
00:45:27
Speaker
I also just sometimes would look at that and just be like, I'm going to take this and fucking do whatever I want with it. It's mine now. Yeah, that like like that that's a huge trade off. End your time. Shitty jobs don't keep you there that long. It's usually like jobs that pay a little more that are like, we want you here longer. We want you here longer. And it's enough people that don't say no to these people that the people that do say, yeah, I have a personal life. That's when they're like, well who's this guy? I'm like, probably somebody wants to fucking go do anything other than run around all day. like ja Yeah, they're like yeah, and it was white and it's always the dudes that are divorced that are like what's this you don't want to work You don't want to work. I'm like no I don't I want to go home to my fucking fiance that I love and I want to I want to scratch my fucking ass watch TV It's not like I'm like yeah, I'm trying to blow this off to do heroin I'm like no I'm trying to blow this off so I can jerk off and watch TV. eight Yeah, that's what I want to do That's like if they're like I want to do that
00:46:22
Speaker
I want to fucking swim and eat tacos, and I want to- I want to swim, eat burgers, and drive off. I know, it's just, it's so funny, I'm like, I just want to be a kid. I want to be a kid. I want to be a fucking kid. I want to be a fucking kid again. I want to be a kid with this head, with this brain.
00:46:43
Speaker
Well, I think that's what I would never take anything for granted ever. I think if you literally never i be everyone ever. That's what everyone ever thinks. I think of the there comes a point where you just give up. Yeah, I feel like if you lose that childhood in you, like then you just like everyone does. Yeah, they all do eventually. And the thing is, you're a loser if you come to a late. I don't think so. i I like I like all everybody in the family's got one man child. I feel like that's the other thing you get to a point where you get sick of that.
00:47:10
Speaker
You know what I mean? You fucking play video games all day. Which, by the way, I don't know how people get sick of that. I really don't know how people get sick of that. It's the most fun fucking thing you could do all day. I tried to dump hours into a video game and eat junk food. And masturbate. Three easy things you could do all day. I tried to do Twitch for a month. I tried to do it at nine to five. And then after I made it into nine to five, I had to force myself to play video games for eight hours.
00:47:41
Speaker
we won't play this Like after like couple hours in I could see that yeah But I also it's like then like it's like I'm not trying to be like one of those like do what I do It's like well then switch with me and get a bit fucking 6 a.m. And go stand on the hill and get yelled at my jobs like they're like What are you good at I'm like I'm good at standing on a hill and getting yelled at They're like me. This is the job for you. You like to get fucking yelled at all right come on in the magazine everything gets boring As soon as anything comes to work is when it's not fun. Yeah. Someone expects it out of you. It's not fun. It needs novelty. I guess like I just I wish I wish I was one of those people that like I worked from home and it meant I just had to be like present logged in. You know what I mean? Because I know people like that.
00:48:23
Speaker
They're like, oh, ever since COVID, I just fucking check on it every once in a while. It's the worst. I'm so jealous of them, I want to die. and I feel like I missed the boat on the work from home because now everyone's coming back to the office. and Some places are because it costs more money to keep the lights on in those offices.
00:48:40
Speaker
None of these work from home. People are hiring fucking people with just a high school diploma like Dickens like me. I'm like, hey, but that's the other thing. We're dealing with a diploma. I got this fucking hollering. I did color. I did. I got this fucking diploma. I read a thin book. fluin <unk> and But I mean, I mean, I should have done the college.
00:49:06
Speaker
I'm so happy I don't have the debt of college because I think I would still be this miserable The whole time you get in your fucking Corolla It's in traffic and you'd be like all that good. You made it great. This is now what now what now you gotta pay back We don't have college debt, but I will say that I wake up every morning and go god. I wish I was born with like Yeah, sure. I mean, I think that's everybody. I mean, I think that's also that's a people working. They're like, I'm like, what do you like fucking stinking? Stinking all day because I fucking don't like that. I'm very rich. I have great friends. I have you guys. I have I have. ah There are things we are wealthy. pets I have a place to live. I'm very grateful for the things I have. But.
00:49:49
Speaker
and and I wish I want to wake up tomorrow and decide I want to go somewhere. Yeah, I would like to. I would like to vacation everywhere and I would like to never think about where my money is coming from. Do you have a target number that you want to hit? Ten million dollars a month. Oh, want it to be a job for me to spend that much money. I want to be like, God, I don't even know what to do with this.
00:50:12
Speaker
I want to be... I want to have anxiety about having too much money. I want anxiety about that. I want to travel the world to... I want to be everywhere. I want to take my friends everywhere. Yeah. I want to take my friends on these big trips where they don't have to worry about stuff. Because as soon as you eliminate the money, that's when they don't care. I'll take off for that. Yeah, I'm available. I mean, I got the money for it. You know what I mean? Take all my fucking... I'll take all my fucking chunky, retarded friends to Hawaii. You know how much fun that would be? That's my dream. You know what we would do? We'd probably just eat the whole time.
00:50:43
Speaker
yeah my friends would you so dad fucking My friends would eat themselves to death. would my friend die more failure Everybody gets congested. We were there for three nights. Yeah. I've been here for three fucking nights. Now, if we're going to Hawaii, we're going for a week. Yes. For a month. A month. That would be, yeah. I'd probably never go back. It's been 27 years without going, so. If I get married, I was considering doing like a wedding in Hawaii, because I can't leave the States. When are we figuring that out?
00:51:10
Speaker
until I like ask the love of my life. How do we? We got a pair of T.J. We got a pair. Yeah, we should do that. Yeah. Can I get you a free card? I think you can. Honestly, I mean, my parents and my sister be so pissed. I don't think they care. I think they'll laugh, honestly. Gotta be more men. Well, then. But then you could leave the country. God goes like bits. He does. God I think does bit. Yeah, he does bits. That's his bit. So in order to make sure you don't get deported, we got married.
00:51:39
Speaker
I mean, if it comes to that, I mean, I'm renewing my working visa this year. I would do that for you. Well, I would do if not, if you guys don't do that, you should probably get on that. I mean, I already I'm renewing it by the end of the year. So I choose I'm honestly. And what's cool, what's cool about getting married is if you do piss me off. I got to be right here. He's right here. He's right here. If you do piss me off, I will have them get them. Yeah. Come get them. Come get them before they brought T.J. as well. They don't, they're like, what type of Mexican are those? What type of Mexican he said? Yeah, it's a fucking weird one. I think he's, I think he has Down syndrome.
00:52:17
Speaker
I'm Korean. He's just like, I'm Korean. You understand my, I don't listen Paco. I don't speak none of that. Jibba Jabba, whatever the fuck you're saying you're done tortillas are that way yeah tortillas are better signs and just literally It's just a picture of one with a fucking It's like an American flag with a tortilla with an X through it Not here. There's a guy speaking of dreams There's a guy on Facebook that I've been watching who's a fisherman, right? Like high school like in high school i Yeah, and he had these boring videos like 40 views and he would like catch a trout and coke it and whatever I was like I thought this guy's fascinating Yeah, this dude now
00:53:02
Speaker
makes 20 million dollars a month on Patreon and YouTube and Instagram. And these people pay him to go to ah different islands across the world and catch stuff on their list. And he cooks them.
00:53:15
Speaker
Catch stuff that they want him to catch. Yeah, they send him to Hawaii. They're like, I want the fucking whatever. They're they have a trigger. I want to see you eat a trigger. Honolulu boo boo doo laka laka laka tiki tiki fish. And then he goes and catches the fucking thing. Doesn't catch a cook eats it. Yeah. And he has like everything he's ever wanted. And it's really funny. This dude will be sitting there and every once in a while he'll be like.
00:53:37
Speaker
I don't know what makes this better. Buy a woman. Buy a woman, to be honest with you. He wants love. He doesn't want that. He wants love now, yeah. Now he wants love. And I'm like, yo, I wish- Trigger fish sandwich. I mean, you could- Everybody wants something, but let me get the thing that you, that everyone wants. You know what I mean? You're assumed to be really good. Yeah, but money doesn't buy you that, but I'm like, yeah, well, sure as hell you spent your life getting that. Money doesn't buy you love.
00:53:59
Speaker
cool I fell in love first I was just bring my love yeah I have love now and now you have the love money now all the money I don't know I feel like you can that's a good and I love you know you could go on like dates and shit and like that's just sex that's sex and a woman's waiting to kill you that's sex and lust as lust love is real Love is when you're struggling and that person still stays with you. It's okay. We got this. Yeah, love is when you both got black feet in the bed. yeah yeah all this like love ah love ah love Love is when they tell you to like have a chicken like take a second half of that chicken nugget and there's dirt under the nail. That's love. still take it you Still take it. You look under it, you clean it. yeah but love is a bag Love is a bag of gummy sharks under the pillow. like yeah
00:54:44
Speaker
I'm not even mad about it. Yeah. Love is like picking up a crunchy sock and just not even making fun of it. Yeah. You know what I mean? That is love. That's happened for me. I know that's happened for me because he happened all the time for her and I've never heard anything about him. She picks up a fucking of Danish, sock Danish. I will tell you the story of I went hiking. Yeah, the yellow bit.
00:55:11
Speaker
a bear call um Never tell the story when I went hiking and a fucking hawk took a shit on my head No, I was like walking through the woods like listening to music whatever smoking sick cuz everyone else goes on like a healthy hike I go on I go like burn cigarette oh i walk out there i'm like at it i'm like like fuck be there up and will hi I'm like that every time I go on a hike I'm like oh Uphill bender you all came flying across the creek drop the shit on my head right like nom mr a nom my god the shit on the brim of my hat I saw the yoke drip down right here. I am less like instinctive
00:55:51
Speaker
Just thinking, like, whoa. But then I remember my mom as a kid saying, like, because a seagull shit on my head. She's like, you should play the lottery. Right? That's like a joke. i I went into Wawa, and I bought Powerballs. And that half hour of me thinking I'm going to win the Powerball was crazy. I was just looking at people like, I'll fucking get out and punch her in the face right now. I'm like, I win that money. If I won this money, I'm hitting her first. Like, I'm really going to beat the fuck out of that old lady. Like, I was like, I don't give a shit, dude. I was nuts for a half hour.
00:56:21
Speaker
I got bailed to pay. I wasn't even remotely close to the numbers either. I had like, I had letters. I had letters on it. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I'd hire them. You couldn't have been further from winning it. I had cave paintings on mine. I had the funniest fucking thing happen the other day. I got a fucking lift and we were headed. It was like a half hour ride and I was like in the car and I was talking to the guy for like a minute. I didn't really feel like talking to him.
00:56:48
Speaker
yeah So I pulled out my headphones and they were all fucking like they were all tied together kind And so and so I spent like way too long trying to untie them dude And so he's just like instead of like talking to me anymore. He like stop once you saw the headphones Yeah, and I was just like like I was so close to talking we neither of us said anything I just undid the headphones for the longest but half the drive half the drive. I did the head
00:57:18
Speaker
i was so that's why i'm seeking it was that's i was seeking the entire ride of fucking fix But then I was thinking I get them done I plug it in it doesn't that'll work they don't fucking work ah The music just blares through the phone Social crazy person that it was a shoelace the whole time yeah yeah guy i was like yeah like We breathing heavy while you're doing it. Like, come on, come on. Oh, my God. I know. Talking in an Uber. Oh, my God. The guy like, oh, he had like radio on, not like talk radio, not like music. So I was like.
00:57:53
Speaker
ah ah Kicking my music loud. mouth yeah Fuck. Yeah. i I actually enjoy talking on the Ubers. I do sometimes, but sometimes I don't. I like talking to foreign guys. ah guy I like, yeah. They're funny. They're funny. Yeah. And I like to, for some reason, I feel like I'm responsible for that moment. A white guy in sweatpants. I don't want to talk to a white guy in sweatpants. They go back to Senegal and they're like, yeah, they are fucking nice people. But like when you get picked up by a dude that's like,
00:58:20
Speaker
Hey, how are you? I'm out now. I want to talk to you like, hello. Hello. Hey, there he is. Yeah, they're happy to be here. It's a fucking old black. You see me? It's an old black guy named Melissa.
00:58:32
Speaker
yeah You try to smooth like butter.
00:58:38
Speaker
I got a ride from a black Republican woman. That's the best. She got you twice. She got me twice. We got fired up. We got fired up about politics. And then on the way back, she picked me up again and we got like double fired up. She was like, yes. I was like, yeah, that's the whole world. That's crazy. Yeah. She was fun. It was like if my dad was a black woman. Fucking crazy. I've drawn that up a couple of times. I've drawn that a few times. I'll show you. What's the first thing you would do with if you woke up with $100 million?
00:59:08
Speaker
Oh, I would tell my dad he doesn't have to work anymore. that Yeah, that's what I would do too. that's I fantasize about that. i would go I would go to my aunt and be like, you're done. Like, I'm literally going to tell you. I would literally like i literally make my dad suck a stack of money. get him gag him with I would gag my dad with money. Put his tongue in a money clip. Because we have a weird thing, so I would gag him. i'd make a I'd probably the first, my first order of business was probably, I would get like baby girl's dream car, my dream car, then I would go tell my aunt Billie.
00:59:41
Speaker
You're going to go. like Oh, yeah, dude. And now we're like Lorelei and dad. They get their dream cars. I want to get my dad the Buick Skylark that he had when he was a fucking my cousin. But what he had when he was a teen traction, probably that. But he had a fucking he had a Buick Skylark Skylark, you know, fucking Skylark people. They say people squander the money.
01:00:02
Speaker
Yeah, that's why I feel like I'm ever going to see. I would squatter it so hard, but that's living. No, but I feel like if you get... Nobody wants to hear the story about the guy that had the money and put it in stocks and had it grow. No. And no, no one keeps a fuck about that.
01:00:17
Speaker
They want to see the guy. i want to hear I want to see the dude who went jet skiing on an airplane and fucking there was 40 hookers and they died somehow. No one knows how. Yeah, but you still hear about like Walker fellers and then has to pay half the money back in a lawsuit because you fucking money shot in Pocahontas face at Disney World. Yeah, because you could get a hundred million fucking dollars in his pocket. See, like I i don't want to a job. I worked at where they were talking. It was like a weird question. It was like a team building thing where they were nice to us for a day.
01:00:46
Speaker
And they said that, and immediately the morning like my one manager was like, hookers and cocaine instantly. Instantaneously. And he was like, he wasn't even trying to be cliche either. He was like, I'm dead serious. Not even hookers, though, like escorts, like well yeah the ones that hang out with politics. Female Bentley's. rush with I want Rush Limbaugh's address book. i want Yeah, I want Rush Limbaugh's Yellow Pages. I want somebody that knows how to suck a fat dick. Oh, my God. I'm getting Rush Limbaugh's ladies.
Rush Limbaugh: Scandals and Sightings
01:01:11
Speaker
I'm getting Rush Limbaugh's fucking, yeah, his ex whores.
01:01:14
Speaker
I want his ex whores fucking kids. I want her kids. He's been dead for what? 10 years. Yeah. He's alive. Is he dead? I thought russian Rush Limbaugh is alive. No, I think he's dead. I think he's been dead a couple of years. This is December. so but you like You want Rush Limbaugh's whores? Is Rush Limbaugh dead? How do you spell Limbaugh?
01:01:44
Speaker
We're covered. He has been dead. Oh, shit. He's been dead. Oh, he was the dude from the Family Guy episode, right? Him and Brian. By the day, the whores that he was getting in his heyday. They say he's dead, but I feel him out there. Yeah, he's hiding like two fucking. Yeah. Him and Tupac. I saw him splitting
Vacation Dreams: San Diego
01:02:00
Speaker
and whirring. I saw him in my toast. Yeah. I saw Rush Limbaugh in my toast the other day. Oh, Ry Limbaugh. No, I think I think my first my first my first like big expense though would be like a vacation. Oh, I'd be going. Yeah. Everyone stop. We're going to Vegas. We're going to San Diego. Yeah. We're going to San Diego. San Diego. San Diego is one of the fucking Key West. San Diego is one of the best places I've ever been. Really? Yeah, it's really fucking awesome. Beaches were incredible. The food was incredible. The vibes were immaculate. It didn't feel like Los Angeles.
01:02:35
Speaker
There was homeless people, but it was like a Philly amount of homeless people where it's like manageable in all the city, just everywhere. just I love homeless people out there. Gavin Newsom literally has a homeless machine. It's 70 degrees so all day, and then it's 50 at night. Yeah. And for optimal optimal bomb weather. Everyone should be above there for at least to see a year.
01:02:59
Speaker
Like, instead of, like, you know, like, and just really go, like, the army for, like... They're, like, interviewing bums. I wonder if there's bums in, like, Philly that are just, like, dreaming about going to Cali. They're just, like, that's their, like... train
Homelessness and Morality Discussion
01:03:09
Speaker
train Oh, is that how they get there? Yeah, well, you're gonna go... I mean, they some of them make the voyage, but a lot of them are just... They're bums because of addiction. Yeah, they're crackheads. They're not... They don't think about travel. They think about the next fix. Uh, yeah. Do you remember seeing a homeless person when you were a kid? Yeah. And did you ever feel anything for them?
01:03:28
Speaker
Yes. Now you feel bad for him. No, I feel bad for him. I mean, I still do. My dad worked. No, I had just my parents used to my parents used to like like tell us like they were bad people and then we became them. Yeah. And then I'd be and then I thought I was a bad person because I was a homeless kid. I guess some of them might be bad people. Oh, yeah.
01:03:52
Speaker
because it's definitely homeless people that like there's good people that have homes. There's bad people that have homes. There's absolute monsters that the good people that are homeless like very rare. right There's doctors that are bad people. You know what I mean? There's people that work for St. Jude that aren't good people. There's little kids with cancer that are bad people. you don't yeah there is true i know im trying as good and Fucking bully yeah bull from bully to Baldy six months Headline the summer. I love the bully who the summer I fell in love with a bully would cancer All right you guys want to fucking move it over to the page yeah, we'll see you over there We're back on the page, baby. We'll see you there. Love ya bitch