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EP 9: Beef-Bread & Twang-Tatoes
121 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about How Chicken Nuggets are made, Jim and John's experience working together in a Semi-Abandoned Office Building, and using The Boss's Toilet.
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Transcript
Introduction & Fried Chicken Cravings
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Close to Hell with your host Jim Gillespie, John Prophet, and me, TJ Lee. Episode 9. Here we go.
00:00:09
Speaker
I want fried chicken right now. I want fried chicken. See, I would take the skin off of the chicken. I'm about to say something really fat. I used to take the skin off the chicken, load it up with the fixings, and roll it like a blunt and pop it in my mouth. Oh, my God. That sounds so great. It's the greatest thing that anyone's ever done. It's the greatest thing. The only way you can wash that down is a fucking bucket of Pepsi.
Soda with Meals: A Necessity?
00:00:33
Speaker
You need an absolute bizock in a Pepsi.
00:00:38
Speaker
There was like six months where I gave up drinking water. I drank water for like six months. Okay, and Everything you eat everything you eat that you don't have a cold soda with is a fucking worse. Oh, yeah, you just won't eat No, I just wouldn't eat
00:01:00
Speaker
I need soda to eat. I'm like dipping lollipops in barbecue sauce, like just trying to like, just trying to feel, feel something. Trying to feel something. I feel like soda, like with certain meals, like it helps like, especially like greasy foods. Yeah. You need a burp. You got to break through. You got to break through. Cut that oil.
00:01:19
Speaker
Cut that oil down. Put that oil down. That's why I drink it. The fizz helps go to him. That's why I drink it. I don't enjoy soda. It's necessary. It burns the grease off my lips. It's medicine. The doctor told me. The doctor told me. Soda, soda keep you safe.
Fried Chicken Preferences and Cravings
00:01:35
Speaker
Soda does keep you safe.
00:01:36
Speaker
You can choke out here. I gotta try that chicken skin blunt rule though. You pull the skin off of the fucking chicken thigh and you fucking you roll up a cursed doobie. It is a locking up together with the gravy. You like seal it. I'm licking it shut.
00:01:54
Speaker
And he ends up eating the whole thing. He's not hitting right. He keeps on biting him. I like it. I like it. That's so good. I don't know why I've been craving fried chicken. Look, I want KFC. I want a bucket of fried chicken. I just want to paint. KFC has a specific taste. You know what I mean? Yeah. Batteries. I want that. You know what it is? I want to just lay there and be like, oh lord.
00:02:18
Speaker
What part do you go for? I don't like the drumsticks as much as I like the breasts. Really? I don't like the breasts at all. I like the thigh. The thigh. I like the thigh, sorry. I get the thigh. The breast is too big. It's like... Oh, he never eat a big ass chicken titty? I don't like that. I love a chicken titty. Nah, they too big, bruh. They not natural. Oh, I love them. These motherfucking chickens got BBL. They got fried BBL, Jon, at the fucking...
00:02:42
Speaker
There's chickens in the yard. Steroid chickens. Yeah, they got prison chickens. They're popping them right off the yard. Yeah, dude. I had to fucking eat around the tattoo on my left. I had to fucking eat around the little heart tattoo.
Exotic Eats: The Ortolan Bird
00:02:57
Speaker
Yeah, imagine there's like hipster chickens with like stickin' pokes. Yeah, it's like go to this place that like doesn't do like steroid chicken. They're just like literally fucking finches. It's like pigeon wings. Would you eat an orchard lawn bunting bird? What? Would you eat the bunting bird? Like the fucking... Oh, like little can bird things? No, no, it's the bird. It's the bird. It's like the fetal bird and the egg. And the French people, they pork a sherry wine over it and then they fucking drown it in cognac. Yeah, they put the cloth over their head.
00:03:27
Speaker
So God can't watch. Oh, is it like when they like drink the bird? No, no, it's literally just a baby bird, but it's at the perfect point where like its bones are also like mushy. Oh, God. They drown in cognac and I think they just like literally roast it and then you're supposed to eat it all in one bite. It's illegal.
00:03:48
Speaker
Oh, it's illegal. Yeah, but they wear a cloth over their head to like hide from God. Oh gosh, cuz it's so evil. So yummy. I'm always so good. I'd be that dude like Washington. I want to see Hillary. I want to see Hillary Clinton eat one of them and then wash it down with a fucking baja blast. She's already done that with a baby. That's what I'm saying. I want to see her wash down a baby with a baja. She's like, how about an orchard on baby, baby?
Nuggets and Food Processing Concerns
00:04:13
Speaker
How about a, yeah, how about a fucking baby? Like what's truly the difference between that and like a McNugget though? Aren't McNuggets like grinded up? Yeah, but it's like, McNuggets are like every piece of the chicken that you don't want. We take it and grind it up and give it back to you. It's fully grown chickens.
00:04:29
Speaker
Don't they use like sometimes I'll chase talk they suck chicks into a fucking vent you're seeing that like they select a little drop male chicks Oh, yeah, but that's just to get rid of them. They don't turn that into anything. Oh, I thought they turned it into like pillows I thought they turn that into
00:04:44
Speaker
They turn into they turn them in they turn them into I thought it was like one chick per nugget I ate a bunch of babies today. No no no most of McDonald's is pink slime. Yeah It's literally not even meat. It's like you ever see the face you ever see the thing where Jamie fucking love it, too
00:05:04
Speaker
You ever see a thing where Jamie Oliver takes all the undesirable parts of the chicken? It makes them all delicious. Adds a bunch of seasoning and puts it in the food processor and makes nuggets? And he's like, now which of you little kids would eat this? And they're all like, fucking me? I'll fucking eat it. I'll suck that fucking thing. I'll eat it live. Give me one of those. I'll eat it live. Start bawling his eyes out. Yeah, give me one right now. Tear it up live. Tear it up live.
00:05:28
Speaker
That kid's so funny. Kid fuckin' rules. All the comments were mean and shit that's hungry as shit. Kid hungry as shit for real. Actin' cool. It's like how my son will talk about like Puerto Rican girls. Yeah, that's how my son- You look a little like Carmelie, like, listen, you give me right now, I'll tear it up live. I'll tear it up live.
Personal Favorites: Fried Chicken vs. Meatloaf
00:05:46
Speaker
I would love to have, like,
00:05:49
Speaker
like just a bucket of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, fucking cold soda. I prefer meatloaf over fried chicken. I hate meatloaf. I love meatloaf. That's burger steak. No, it's not. Salisbury steak and meatloaf can literally go fuck themselves. Shut up, it's beef bread.
00:06:11
Speaker
Fucking hate meatloaf, dude. It's not burger steak. It's beef bread. It's fucking mush shit It's beef bread you I'd rather eat a fucking cheeseburger And a fucking meatloaf so when anybody oh Everybody always think like growing up like we have I just think I just think you haven't had a good meatloaf yet
00:06:30
Speaker
I don't like peppers and shit mixed in. I don't do that. I don't do none of that. So what do you just make a hamburger? I make a meatball. I put a meatball on a bunt. I'll take a meatball. I'll take a bunch of meatballs. I'll take like a hundred meatballs before I make it delicious. I'd make a delicious fucking little captivate. It'll captivate you.
00:06:48
Speaker
Meatloaf is like pretty like dense meatloaf is dense and but I don't put onions in it either like I like it pure like I like it pure like I like it pure just pure meat breadcrumbs and Worcestershire and like ketchup and all that shit and the eggs you mix it all up and you make a loaf
00:07:04
Speaker
I still haven't tried meatloaf yet. So good. You've never had it. It's on my bucket list. Growing up in America watching American TV, I've always wanted to be... Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and corn and the darkest brown gravy. You want a nice home cooked American meal. I just want someone to invite me to their family dinner. How do you feel about Salisbury steaks? Just gravy burgers? Ugh, they're disgusting. Are you kidding me? I see I grew up on the big piles of slop. I grew up on slop too. My parents were like, listen, we're not eating that.
00:07:33
Speaker
Box mashed potatoes who's had them I've had them not bad I've I grew up on I remember one time my entire family got in a fight over who's gonna get the last of the fucking box Mac like box mashed potatoes Like the Bob big fight. Yeah, like like they're flakes. There's flakes that you add We didn't have any milk, so we were hitting them with water We didn't have any milks were hitting with Sprite
00:08:15
Speaker
Do a fucking solo on my plate your body would be doing solos Your honey hole Randy roads Dude box mashed potatoes sound like SRV while they're in your throat, dude
00:08:19
Speaker
He probably would have ripped. He probably would have ripped. He would have ripped those little tropical box taters.
00:08:30
Speaker
Your asshole covers fucking voodoo child's slight return. I really want to try this now. My mom always made like just like homemade mashed potatoes, like peel them, fucking mush them. And they would just be buttery and they would fucking hurt later. They would stop you up. The box mashed potatoes are trying to find my way, find their way out of my body. They're like, there must be some kind of way out of here. Just Vietnam classics are playing in your fucking intestines.
00:09:00
Speaker
I feel like CCR's playing your fucking turd maker
00:09:09
Speaker
No, but whenever I eat mashed potatoes... John Fogerty's headlining my gut! Whenever I eat mashed potatoes, I feel like I need to, like, get hit with the lactose intolerance. You know what I mean? Because I'm lactose intolerance, but I love, like, a nice, like, creamy mashed potato. Who fucking doesn't, dude? If you don't like mashed potatoes, you're not a fucking, yeah, communist. They like the grainy mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes. If you don't like mashed potatoes, you're a gay Nazi pedophile. You're a gay-ass Nazi pedophile. You fuck kids. If you don't like mashed potatoes, you fuck kids. You hate Native Americans.
00:09:39
Speaker
If you don't like mashed potatoes, I'm saying it right now on the pod. You fuck kids. Fuck kids, and you root against 1776. And you hate Native Americans. And I guess the Constitution means not near. At least our breakfast. We have good breakfast here in America. England does not have good breakfast. Oh, I disagree. I disagree. I think it was breakfast ribs. I think you just haven't had it. Yeah. Like blood sausages. Yeah, both of the beans. A blood sausage and a baked bean with my muffin.
00:10:04
Speaker
Black pudding, you could take that off the plate, but like everything else on that plate is great. That's what the blood sausage is, the black pudding. I just made you sit outside and talk to my lady while I made black pudding and then took a shower. Black pudding. Black pudding and blood sausage. Can you guys call it something nicer? Blood sausage. Do you like tomatoes? Are you a fan of tomatoes? I like ketchup. No, I like tomatoes. I like sliced tomato on a sandwich. Well, I mean, tomatoes are kind of, I guess, like fresh ketchup.
00:10:34
Speaker
Yeah, so tomatoes like eggs, however you like it bacon and sausage beans Beans I think black pudding I don't really like starting your day off with baked beans would literally fuck my entire so yummy It is so good though baked beans. Yeah, is it baked beans? I think what they have is is like Heinz like bland like
00:10:57
Speaker
No flavored beans. But I would rather do like the Bush's baked beans. I would have a job where I could eat like that and then I would literally just rhino shit. Just whip your tail. I would just whip my tail around and windmill shit across the entire fucking warehouse.
00:11:14
Speaker
One coffee in the morning, I have diarrhea every morning. Not diarrhea, it's more like peanut butter. It just never ends. Every morning I wipe a turd out of my ass. I have to deliver a turd. I put my hands in there and deliver it like a peanut butter. I'm holding my cheeks apart. Two more pushes, two more pushes.
00:11:36
Speaker
Yeah, I'm like, I have one sip of coffee at like 7 o'clock in the morning. By 7.15, I'm 10 centimeters dilative. I have like 10 contractions. And I always forget my baby bag. I didn't pack it. Oh, you're fucking yam. Now, my whole life now is like taking a warehouse dump. Every morning. This week on shipping and receiving. Previously on shipping and receiving. Ricky!
00:12:05
Speaker
We gotta get this fucking order out. Where's John? Where's Don at? He's taking his shit. Taking his shit. He's taking his shit. Taking his shit. I guess they're going to hear it. Every boss doesn't want their employee to have an asshole. They're like, you have an asshole? Wait a minute. He got a shit? The fuck you shitting for? Did you eat something? Do you have an asshole? I thought I hired you because you can't have an asshole. Bosses can't wrap their head around the fact that people they work with have amuses. Yeah. Yeah, it's impossible for them. They're like, wait a minute. They're like, you got to shi- You're shitting?
00:12:34
Speaker
Shitting I would be poop shy guys always shitting guys always shitting Yeah, it's like I literally shit one time. You get caught shitting one time. You're the guy that's shitting. You guys always shitting I'm like no I'm in front of you all day. I'm literally right now. I might even near the bathroom. Are you taking a she's just looking at me? Like I said shit I bet you want to take a shit right now. Oh my god Take a shit again. Yeah
00:13:01
Speaker
Actually, yeah, yeah 24 ounce fucking wah wah Cuban roast. I'm literally I already shitting myself right now. I actually have a shit I set up a bucket. I don't give a fuck either you can walk in I'm like we have a single stall one. There's a pisser right next to it Walk in you fucking taste my flavor
00:13:18
Speaker
You can taste my fucking Colombian rose. There's like 38 camel fucking blues and like 64 ounces of Cuban roast. Like an anxiety shit. Do you think a cigarette kicks it off? Coffee plus coffee an hour. Coffee, cigarette millisecond. I'm touching cloth by the time. Yeah, you're here fucking.
00:13:41
Speaker
I'm literally touching cloth. It's like wiping away a fucking, it's like wiping away a soft serve machine, that little dollop that's coming down you wipe it.
00:13:49
Speaker
Horrible dude. Oh my coffee and a cigarette really get you there a coffee. Well, that's the thing I do it now early enough I haven't smoke shit. I it'll make me shit in the morning. I don't like going anywhere until I fucking shit I really wish that like I haven't smoked an entire cigarette in like five years. Amazing. That's good. I highly recommend I really wish that like the days were more like normalized in America Yeah, like where it's like commonplace. Well, I think a lot of the guys are work with I work with warehouse guys So they would think that's gay
00:14:16
Speaker
Yeah, but like- What, what? Having a clean butt. Yeah, not smelling like shit. Not smelling shit. Hey, when you smell, you smell good when you're a fucking bitch, I'm like, oh. Yeah, what are you, soft? Yeah, when you soft, make sure that your butt has to stay- You don't smell like shit. Are you gay? Warehouse work is like fourth grade continued. It's just fourth grade. It is, it is. I work in fourth grade. I'm like an adult fourth grade right now. We're cutting this, I'm gluing that. We're eating like zebra cakes all day. We're like, we're playing tag.
00:14:46
Speaker
we're fucking shit we're all taking turns shitting nice but like they'll do the shit where you'll be in there like the one day I was taking a shit and there's like an older guy that works on the warehouse and he comes in he goes ah someone on the shutter I'm like yeah it's like it's like clockwork
00:15:01
Speaker
He's always in there, and I'm like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. I mix it up. There's also a bathroom. There's a holy toilet next to my boss's office that I have to walk past him in the morning to shit. There's only one reason I'd be back there, is to ruin his morning. Really, fucking yeah. We have this Lysol that smells like orange. That just smells like orange shit.
00:15:27
Speaker
If I took like a hard stinky poop and put it in like an orange Julius
00:15:34
Speaker
That's literally like and I walk past. I'll be like morning. He's like I'm gonna take a shit. I'll be right back The fact that we all shit is crazy and ever sit there and think what you're shitting You're like all of us at least once a day sit down and just the hottest person hottest person you know, it's gonna take a disgustingly violent shit Don't take a shit. That's like kind of got like fucking like it's like runny like egg yolk
00:16:05
Speaker
You know at some point they've wiped in there It's on one side of the paper there like it's not even the more my asshole is where the fuck's that kind of problem? Fuck it's spritzing and spraying. I was at a just fart all day bitches fart every day I was at a family Christmas party and my my cousin brought his girlfriend one time
00:16:22
Speaker
and she took a huge fucking shit and forgot to flush it and I went in after her and the thing was like sitting it was half in half out of the water and like the stuff the stuff that was in the water it had like ridges that were like rippling I was like that thing like I was like that thing is powerful as she
00:16:39
Speaker
Energy like made her come I She literally orgasm on the toilet. I was like, that's so big I was like the circumference of that thing is literally that of a baseball bat was like so fun crazy So I peed it in half and then flushed it. Yeah chopped it. I chopped I What's it called? I pressure watched it. I'm a chipper too. Yeah, I'll chip it off the fucking bowl for someone else. I'll get I give back Being it forward. I know you will pee it forward
00:17:06
Speaker
I but everyone like like one of my like one of the people work is like a real big guy Yeah, and he will drop one of those like it's just it's like this forget about it clay colored smear fest People like why didn't you get in there and clean it up? I'm like what do you mean clean it up? He's gonna put his fucking hand There's no like apparatus to like
00:17:28
Speaker
There's no good way to do a toilet. We don't have graffiti remover. That's a job for literally that's why we hire scrubbing bubbles. Literally we know we have a company. They're called Mary Maid shut up Mary Maids. They send a girl that looks like Jeff Hardy to clean our toilets once a week.
00:17:44
Speaker
I swear to God every single time I get like a stomach ache like Shit like I'm gonna shit like if I don't stand with my back bent like a C I don't stay like backwards c-shaped Shit hate bombs seconds before this bitch is one in the bathroom. Oh
00:18:06
Speaker
How about when we would go to this and at one time literally she knocked on the door and I walked out and she like she knocked and I was like occupied and she's like all right I'm like I'm thinking like she's probably gonna pick up so she's gonna go clean up the break room or something That's 30 seconds later. Boom. Boom. Boom. I'm like still in here. She's like, oh, okay
00:18:24
Speaker
And then I open the door she's like getting in like past you like let it Give it a fucking second. I just exit the fucking bathroom. I exit the job Can I quit the nothing more annoying than someone trying to squeeze past you dad like fuck? Maybe like she loves her job. Maybe that's like she loves the scent she's getting in there once fresh she's getting it from under the door
00:18:53
Speaker
I see a nose ring. I see a snake bite. You see a snake bite shadow under the door? I see a gauge.
00:19:04
Speaker
This chick shows up like this every single fucking Thursday morning. She shows up like this to clean my poop But yo, I like I've taken shits before like at work Like if you ever had like you've ever flushed because you know, it's gonna be loud. Yeah, like a fart shit. Yeah Like I've like going and like they're probably like he's flush like five times in there. Oh
00:19:27
Speaker
I'm like, yeah, because I'm spitting egg yolks out right now. I'm yolking. I'm currently yolking at the moment. Dude, the worst is when it's just you and another guy in the bathroom and you have to let you know the next move you make is going to be so fucking loud.
00:19:47
Speaker
be a fortastic bomb Isaac did that to me one time I was taking a shit and he came in he came in to take a piss and I like listened I knew was him I listened I thought he left he opened the door and let it shut and listen to me fart
00:20:04
Speaker
He's like, dang. He's like, dang. Damn. Damn. He, I know for a fact, takes like little pebble shits. Yeah. He takes pebble shits and I get jealous of people. Then meanwhile, I'm like, wait a minute, I just had a Red Bull and a Zebra Cake at 6.30. I think I told you guys I'd drink Cuban roast from Wala. That's like twice a week. Every other day is like Zebra Cake, cosmic brown, eat Red Bull, cigarette.
00:20:27
Speaker
I'm like I wonder why I fucking want to kill myself every day I'm so fucking depressed Why am I so fucking depressed today? Remember we would go we would spend the entire night at Desmond's uncle's place we would we would be up there we'd be We would be smoking dabs all night and drinking voltage and then we would go do labor at the fucking scrap yard We basically would spend the night like blink 182 and then the next morning be full on ACD's
00:20:53
Speaker
We had a four-hour ship to this crab yard. We both shit twice. We basically did kickflips over our homework Friday night, and then fucking did hard, intense labors. Me and him took a fruit roll up, and we made it into a cup, and then poured orange soda in it, and then pinched it shut, and it was like a big gusher. Dude, that's dope. It was dope. It was dope, but then we both had to... You can actually see my face get fatter in the video.
00:21:17
Speaker
You can see my face grow. I like anamorphed into a- into precious. You lost your foot right there. Yeah, it's like my leg blew up.
00:21:24
Speaker
like you can eat this, but it's going to cause two toes. You always had the best move at Starbucks. You always had the best poop schedule. Yeah, it was a schedule. We'd be working eight a.m. Peak time would hit Jim, but I would see Jim get right untied that apron for 20 minutes. I spent I see how when you clock. Yeah, where's he at?
00:21:48
Speaker
When you clock in at 430, you get to be the first man to poop when it gets busy. Taking a shit in a Starbucks is phenomenal. I used to love shitting and hearing other employees getting yelled at. They're so short handed out there.
00:22:07
Speaker
playing boom beach I'm drinking fucking yeah dude yeah I used to clock in at 430 and I would be in there like I'm like I set you all up I'm like when it gets jump in here that's what I fucking that's why I take my leave of absence this is LOA I never understood just like I don't mind like waiting like five more minutes than rather having like shit coffee
00:22:26
Speaker
like literally shit coffee here's the thing there's people i've seen oh my god our our co-worker that worker that took a picture of the poop he took a picture of his fucking palm he didn't like he wiped like a bit like a toddler and he like wiped and he had shit on his wrist and his palm and his orange oh and he showed me a picture of that and then like proceeded to make my drink and i was like please don't like i never let him know i was at
00:22:53
Speaker
Speaking of this, I was at the fucking, I was at the diner up in my area in Trichester on a Saturday morning. And me and baby girl were sitting there and this fucking waitress comes up and she hands me a coffee, finger in the fucking cup, finger in the mug, places the mug down, two black lines of dirt under the nail, and then pours the coffee and I couldn't get it out of my head. And if I say anything to her, she's gonna freak out and be like, ew, what? Where's the dirty girl at?
00:23:28
Speaker
I just I just I literally swallowed hard and then every sip of that I would just kept thinking about that black line on the fingernail If you have black lines under your nails, you're a fucking scumbag
00:23:42
Speaker
Especially if you're like a contractor or some shit, you're working all day, your fingers are like dirty. But if you're like serving food, you have to be clean. Oh my god. Every woman in Tri-Chester's hands look like they're so fucking chapped and like large. Dry and large. Big large hands. They're all like Chief J. Strong, but extra creepy. They're all built like Tony Atlas. They're all built like Tony Atlas. These women are like, and then you ask them a question, they go,
00:24:27
Speaker
Fucking buy cigarettes at the dollar store over there
00:24:30
Speaker
But the dirty fingers like that dirty thing every piece of food that she brought to me I would zero in on the fucking fingernail I would clip my nails like weekly biweekly just because of stuff like that if you're a server you should not have nails we were not have nails when we were in Mississippi we went to this like really shitty fucking diner it was open 24-7 when we first got to Mississippi we pulled up this like 24-hour fucking piece of shit little diner right and
00:24:58
Speaker
Waitress comes up to take our order, she goes, how you guys doing? Damn dude, was this like a Western? Swallowed it. Swallowed just- Oh yeah, but that's the other thing. It's like, what's more gross spitting it out in front of me or swallowing it knowing it's going to come up later? Just me knowing that there's a big ball of something going on. It's enough for me to be like, I'm ready for bed actually. I don't actually need- I'm thin. I don't need orange juice. I'll be thin.
00:25:25
Speaker
That's something I had a server at Lanark Diner talk to me. I sat at the diner thing by myself. I was fucking sad and depressed about a year ago. I sat by myself and I ordered a fucking slice of pumpkin pie and a coffee because I was being fucking ironic.
00:25:44
Speaker
Oh, you're being devilishly articulate. Yeah, I'd be such a fucking bitch. You should be so devilishly articulate. I was literally being a pair of overalls. You were literally being a stinking poke of a koi fish. And the waitress was talking to me and she had a fucking tonsil stone on her fucking lip that I know cracked out when she said, hey, like, hey. And it like fucking popped out. It was right here. And I know when you mush them, they fucking stink. They smell like the bottom of a trash bag. They stink bombs.
00:26:11
Speaker
That's like... It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here. It's right here.
00:26:40
Speaker
It was like Omaha Beach and Saving Private Ryan. I feel like a 16-year-old who enlisted when I see shit like that. Me and you worked in catering. Still, I would wash my hands profusely. Except for what? You still did the huggliest thing I've ever seen in the industry? I did fucking put an eye boogie in my fucking boss's latte.
00:27:03
Speaker
And I boogers are the most sinister because it's the least anyone know it's the booger that know it like it's got no there No, one's done any no one's done any studies on I boogers. You know they just been like they're the least known That's like a deep sea fish of grossness They're still discovering like new types of I boogers every day every day like 13% of the fucking
00:27:24
Speaker
Well, because you're- you have this little microscopic eye nose. And that's boogers. I'm just imagining like some like- I used to be so tired of that fucking job I wake up with pugs not my fucking eyes. That was the worst fucking- My fucking eyes look like grilled cheeses, dude. We literally worked in like- in like a- in like an evil back room. You know those like weird videos of like back rooms where the guy gets like chased around?
00:27:48
Speaker
We worked in that. You told me it was pretty much like a SWAT training facility. I said it was mass shooting practice. Yeah. We worked for a catering company that was contracted with a vanguard. The building that me and Jim worked at was a law office. All the lawyers during the pandemic got sent home to work. When we started, they brought a catering company in to try to get people to come back to work because the lawyers were like, we don't have to work in a building to get our job done.
00:28:18
Speaker
Yeah. So literally Mondays and Fridays, no one there. Empty. Empty. But we would cook for 300 people, knowing that no one's in the parking lot, knowing that no one's going to be there. We'd cook for 300 people. That's such a waste. Because we had to sit at a coffee shop that had no customers. Because we had to use the food because there was a new delivery of food coming in the next day and we had to get the stuff out of the fridge.
00:28:43
Speaker
has to get and like it was literally like working at a coffee shop in Pyongyang. Yeah, it was a fake store. It was a fake store. It was a fake store. I brewed a thousand pot of coffee, a thousand pots of coffee for no one. It's insane. No one ever drank the coffee.
00:28:58
Speaker
And I made one iBoogie latte. We're very special. Made one iBoogie latte, and John and I, there was like a supply closet, but on top of the supply closet, there was like a place where you could like, it was almost like a storage space, but like you couldn't really store anything. John and I just started throwing pastries up there. That was a beautiful coffee shop. Absolutely gorgeous.
00:29:23
Speaker
It was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Jim's like fucking HDTV homo. Absolutely. I love the glass work. I love the glass work. The aesthetic is so pleasing. Oh, yeah. I love to drink my coffee here. Yeah, Monday and Friday. Let me get one of them.
00:29:41
Speaker
fish steak fish steak chicken like all this other shit big salad remember salad bar fuck setting up salad bar working in food service I really do like to my you guys you guys switching are you guys switching I'm like I don't there's no one coming there's no one here there's no one here
00:30:03
Speaker
Our fucking piece of shit faggot boss used to walk around with his hoodie on his head, but just the hood on his head, nothing else, so it would like flow like a cape. He was the number one candidate for a fucking beatdown I've ever seen in my fucking life. I've actually never met somebody that was so eager for a brutal beheading that I've ever met in my whole life. This dude was aching for my fists, it was insane. He was like, literally he was like playing with his pussy trying to get me to fucking beat him to death. He was like horny for a beatdown.
00:30:31
Speaker
He showed up at one of my comedy shows out where he deejays and I walked down. Wait, wait, wait, just he's a DJ and a faggot chef. He's a small man. He's not a chef. He's a cook. He's a cook. He's a cook. They're like, you're a chef. I'm like, you're a chef. OK, I'm a doctor. You're a chef. OK, that's cool. I'm fucking I'm a neurosurgeon. I'm Jeff Hardy. Yeah.
00:30:57
Speaker
Yeah, fuck. I fucking do that. I will never work at a job like that ever again. I can't fuck. I just can't. Everybody's had a job like that, though. That fucking dude was like he was aching for my fists. Like it was crazy. Practically, but I walked out. I walked down the steps to go into the venue where I was performing and he's at the bottom of the steps, knowing I'm on the lineup and he's giving me the double bird. I'm like, oh, yeah, double bird, huh? Give me double bird. Give me double bird. Damn, dude.
00:31:27
Speaker
I was like double burn double fucking bird. And I made fun of him on stage for 20 minutes. I wouldn't say he was just a little fucking short bitch. He was a twerp who had a neon green card who needed my fists. He also like a neon green. I actually did him a I actually did him a disservice by not beating the fucking snot out of his head.
00:31:47
Speaker
Make him learn, learn his lesson. Yeah. I'm not even a violent guy, but for some reason that guy really got me there and it was the fucking, it was the hood on the head. I do that from time to time though. Yeah. But like you have autism. So it's like, all right. You're all just agreeing. It's fine. It's fine.
00:32:07
Speaker
I mean, like, was he douchey, or was he, like... Yes. Oh, my God. He was a fucking DJ, dude. Was he douchey? Okay, yeah. We were all, like... So we worked with a bunch of fucking black people, right? So I would go in there, and I would DJ. I would fucking put on... I would literally put on, like, fucking... I would just literally put on, like, classics. I would put on, like, soul music. And, like, we would all just, like, vibe out, right? Just music that, you know, you will like, and also black people will like. Literally just... Black fucking kitchen folk. Literally Bootsy Collins. It's literally... I'm putting on Bootsy Collins. And, like, he came up, he was like, Yo, man, you gotta fucking play, like...
00:32:37
Speaker
Skrillex what the fuck was the name of the band dude if you I don't even get brownie points if you fucking remember even know cuz I fuck women Shit he listened to was the anti pussy it was like the worst he like listens to let all dude I remember putting it on and like making eye contact with like every black person like
00:32:56
Speaker
And he was like, they're honestly, like, no, my god. When someone has to acknowledge how miserable they've made everybody, they're like, honestly, this isn't even their best shit to be on. I'll never work in a kitchen ever again, because I don't like the fucking smell. I don't like the smell. The fridge. I don't want to mop ever again. Parmesan smell in the fridge. It always smells like parmesan and cold chicken. Oh my god. The smell of cold chicken makes me angry and anxious.
00:33:26
Speaker
We used to have to count a drawer after knowing for a fact. We did no business He would sit there next to you and watch you count it, and he would like be like you got a Fucking fucking fucking ten nickels in there since fucking he was like are you gonna make are you gonna make this yo are you gonna make the spa water? Oh?
00:33:52
Speaker
They make Jim they would make Jim cut up fruit and like fill this like cube with water and ice and then fruit and Then Jim just started putting whole fruits
00:34:10
Speaker
If I saw that I'll be like that's pretty fucking what I put a whole fucking cucumber in there on slice That's the thing they wanted they're like they wanted like it has to be like spa looking
00:34:26
Speaker
Fucking nobody Just wait for him to be like come on Just this get a reaction I used to go sit in the fucking lake I used to go sit in the room where they they have a breastfeeding room in there I'll go sit in there and play on my phone. Oh, yeah Yeah, there's the mother's room. Yeah nursing room the nursing room Jim. We just play on this
00:34:49
Speaker
I would get ghosted out and play on my phone. He would think that I was like... He would make us take inventory, but it was like, none of this matters. Fuck, and there's a lot of Pepsi's. He would make us stay. He would make us stay late. He was like, we gotta get this done. I was like, no, we don't. This isn't real. This is playtime. This is a fucking crazy job. This is a crazy psychotic playtime. I mean, what was the hourly rate? Was it at least decent? It was 18 an hour. 18 an hour. That's pretty good. Especially for fruits. We also got to see a lot of beautiful people.
00:35:18
Speaker
Oh yeah? John answered a raise and he goes, well, you don't need a raise. You get to see beautiful people every day. Wait, that was his reasoning? That's such a fucking stupid ass. That's so fucking crazy. We had a, they, so like me and Jim got hired on, but like to staff the place out, they had to go for temps. Okay. And they got this one guy, this old black Muslim guy, like 50, 60, he might've been autistic or something. We used to call him my last day there. We used to call him Stupid Willie. Stupid ass, stupid ass, stupid Willie, or dumb ass, or retard.
00:35:52
Speaker
You'd wear a coofy any of these dirty-ass dookie breeds scraggly like white beard. Uh-huh. Well, I Called him one day. What was he doing? He was unpredictable. He would do whatever he wanted on the soda room There was a soda room and we would keep all the cases of soda the bottles and shit. Oh
00:36:11
Speaker
And I called him in there. He took a paper plate, and he cut eyes out of it. And he cut a mouth out of it. And he put some string on the sides, and he was setting it up to look like a mask. He was in the room by himself. And I went in there and called him red-handed, and he pulled the mask down. And he was like, oh, hey. I was literally like, he came and found me and told me I didn't believe him. I was like, you're a killer dude.
00:36:41
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, I used to go around the block was that though I don't know I still did this day. I'm like what is that? What do you do? I wish I had the balls, but what are you doing?
00:36:53
Speaker
What are you doing? I'd be scared to find out. What the fuck are you doing? I was going to kill the chef. I was going to fucking stab. I was going to come in there and I was going to wear my mask and I was going to kill the chef. I was going to stab all of you. I was counting counts. Really? I can't now. I can't now. I don't have magical powers out of the mask. I can't do it now. Making a mask out of a paper plate. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen. Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? It's like a two year old trying to rob a bag.
00:37:23
Speaker
My last day, my last day there, I forgot to make the coffee for the one thing. No one was ever going to be there. So I forgot to make coffee. You forgot to pour half and half in one of the pitchers on the coffee. Oh, is that what it was? Condiment station. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so he comes up to me, he goes, what's missing? This retard, this actual literal retarded person goes, he goes, what is missing out here?
00:37:47
Speaker
I'm like, I'm like, I've got nothing for him. I'm like, I got no fucking idea. I hate that. He's like, you got to put out there. He's like, you got to put out there. And I look at John, I was like, I was like, this fucking retard is telling me how to fucking do my fucking job. I was like, I was like, this retard just told me how to do the dumbest job of all time. I was like, that literally was my last day. I was like, I actually cannot go back there. I was jealous.
00:38:10
Speaker
of Jim leaving after you left I had that we could you went on vacation for a week and like the thought of me being there for an entire week without him I was actually like I'll just be unemployed I will I lasted like a few months after he left and I just said then they just put me in the coffee shop oh every day I had about six customers a week hell yeah
00:38:33
Speaker
and I got real fat, I got high. I would drink like five, six cups of cold brew every single day. I would just set the steam off and I would just vape into it, vape into the steam. I would get high as fucking the closet. I'd just hit the pen and then be like paranoid, like I'm going to get caught. In hindsight, it wouldn't even have mattered.
00:38:59
Speaker
Yeah, they don't care. I do miss that fucking, I do miss that draft latte though. Good lord, that was a crack. I had access to the best coffee all day. Draft latte? There was a couple of, there was a couple of, there was a couple of hotties that worked there, I will say it. What, the Vanguard? Some Vanguard hotties? There was some Vanguard hotties. Jim was afflerting. Yeah. There was some Vanguard, there was a lot of hot women and there was like one hot guy. There was a member mustache guy.
00:39:26
Speaker
The guy that you were like obsessed with yeah, I had nothing else to be obsessed with we had no with there was nothing going on Yeah, the other ones were spa water. Oh, that's right spa water fuck spa spa water. I put feta cheese in it one day The whole orange in the spa water Was the funniest thing I think I've said I never talked about it just floating but the whole orange in the spa water is the funniest thing I've ever That job sucked
00:39:53
Speaker
It's just a very funny visual for, like, B-roll for me. Like, it's just an orange floating in, like, a spa water. It's one orange. It's a whole thing. Floating in, like, a jug. Floating in a cube of water. Going back to the boogers. The eye boogers not being researched enough. I feel like it's because it's furthest from the mouth, so, you know, you don't really get to eat them as much.
00:40:12
Speaker
You don't get to eat them as much, and when you do eat them, they're literally just, they're like cocoa pebbles. It's crunchy. There's like real no, like, there's no like pulp to them. Yeah, there's no, there's no, there's no nutritional value. There's no marijuana. It's like a fucking, it's like a saltine. At that job, I also, right before I quit.
00:40:31
Speaker
I got diagnosed with double pink eye, double ear infection. I had double pink eye, double ear infection. I got like something like a turd, like fucked my eyes. Somebody like fucked, somebody like rubbed a turtle over my face. I had double pink eye, double ear infection. I couldn't hear or see for two weeks.
00:40:58
Speaker
I had ear drops in that felt like I had fucking pinkies in my ears And then I had to put I ointment on I had to put this fucking like milk milk jelly It's like white jizz on my finger and then rub it on my eyeballs and then just be blind It's crazy you turn into Helen Keller I was home sick for a week and I would have to wake up and put the drops in deafen myself and then blind myself and then just go sit in the corner of the couch and
00:41:22
Speaker
I just not see how they just be like I feel like that would be like the worst kind of sickness. It was horrible that I cried. I cried as a man. I called her at work. I was like you fucking bitch. You don't know what it's fucking like.
00:41:48
Speaker
I was like, I can't even fix myself a sandwich! And you're saying shit like, fix myself something? I can't even make the bed! Yeah, you can. Come on. You literally can. Yeah, you can. She was like, she literally, I was talking about, I can't cook anything. I was like, hey, fucking make it easy for you. She's like, just do it from like memory. I like, I like wanted to like- It made you so fucking angry. I wanted to like, climb through the phone and like, beat the shit out of her like, the other side of the line. I was so mad.
00:42:14
Speaker
doing it for memory. That's great. I won't try that. I watch. I'm not doing like, there's a guy doing, there's a guy on Instagram doing kick flips that has like, he's blind. He's a kick flipping 10 steps. He has the stick. He has a stick. That's like 20 feel out of handrail in like two minutes. So fucking stupid.
00:42:32
Speaker
Double pink eye doubling your affections, oh fucker though. Wait, are you telling me those- Are you telling me those videos are fake? Is that actually blind? Yeah, it's full of bullshit. Yeah, you told me it's- I flinch at blind people all the time just to make sure- Just to make sure that it's not live. I just flinch at them.
00:42:46
Speaker
I had somebody to do that to me in high school. They, like, fake wanted to punch me. Now it's like, oh yeah, I'll just remember that forever. And then he wanted to, he like tried to talk to me at Barnaby's. I was like, get the fuck away from me, dude. Remember when you fucking like, yeah, dude, oh my God. Just the idea of like deafening and then blinding myself and then having to keep it in for four hours was just like, okay, I'll do it. There's like no good time to be blind. That's what you learn. There's no good time for it.
00:43:14
Speaker
You kind of just have to wake up, take your shit, play on your phone, be like, this is the last little bit I'm gonna be able to see on my phone, and then just corner the couch, just... That honestly sucks. I feel like the good part about being homesick is you get to watch or... Yeah, you can't even enjoy anything. Yeah, you're just sitting in there. One of the best parts about being sick is hopping into a video game. Yeah. But you can't even do that. What's a good cold game? You got a bad cold. You got a strap. What are you playing?
00:43:39
Speaker
I feel like it has to be something chill and brain dead. I can't be thinking. Like Red Dead. Yeah, Red Dead's fun. I'm not, nah. I'm definitely like watch a show I've watched a thousand times. Watch a show a thousand times? Yeah, I can't. I don't even want to fucking like, I'm like, no. Watch it for you? I can't even fucking, I can't even like play with the controller when I'm like sick or pissed off. I'm like, no, I'm not. I can't. Really? Not even like a simple game? I can't even, I'm like, no, I can't. I'm so fucking agitated already. I can't fucking,
00:44:04
Speaker
So you just have to like sit and like I have to like try to sleep I have to sleep until I feel better. I'm the what's what's your like go-to like thing to watch. I'll do it. I've Sitcom sitcoms. What's your favorite sitcom? Mindy project number one Mindy project my favorite show best show ever. Well, you know, what's your favorite sitcom? My favorite sitcom is probably like always sunny boy. So now actually I would say he's spending down He's down. That's so strong. He's spending down something like a watch over and over again and still laugh just as hard. I first seen it
00:44:34
Speaker
There's a good show, but I don't watch a lot of sitcoms like that I watch like I watch like sopranos and shit like that But I I did just start watching euphoria euphoria euphoria. Oh my god. I haven't watched it I can't look at any guy on that Joe fuck Yeah, don't you kid talking pretty much every dude's like that Everybody on the show's annoying, but I can't stop watching it
00:44:58
Speaker
Yeah. It's a car crash of kids having sex. It's disgusting. It's a car crash. It's just the kids having sex with adults. I hope the whole set catches fire. I gotta see what happens next episode when the girl fucks the adult. I gotta see that. The first episode she gets like raped anally by a fucking like old man. Yeah, they.
00:45:16
Speaker
Oh my god, kiss my ass today. They can kiss my ass today. Get it right. That's what's happening in high schools these days? Yeah, it's just like people with eyeliners and bulges getting fucked. That's the whole show. That's what high school was for me, dude. Are you kidding me? I don't know. Where's Zac Efron when you need him? Yeah, I know. It was definitely not high school. You three is definitely not high school musical.
00:45:37
Speaker
Definitely not. It's like a bunch of like girls with like frizzy hair riding bikes and then like fucking like a girl getting anal from an adult. It's not unrealistic though. Two seasons of that. HBO they like to look like little kids. Fuck adults. They're like. It's not unrealistic because I was in high school on Grindr talking to dudes.
00:45:55
Speaker
Was it like that? It was like that. Oh, damn. It was totally like that. Yo, you got receipts for that? You should hit them back up and be like, hey. I wish it wasn't eight phones ago. Yeah. Hey, you up for a legacy bang? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Hey, I know we fucked eight years ago when I was in high school. Oh, no. I was going to say, like, get that bag. Oh, no. Oh, run that back? Yeah. Be like, remember when you raped me?
00:46:22
Speaker
Honestly, to be honest, I was the aggressor. That's the other thing I need for you. They're talking about how the one girl lost to Virginia, she was 14 with a 40-year-old guy, and they're like, it's not even rape, because honestly, she was in control the whole time. I'm like, what is that? It's not real. It's not rape, but it's cool. It's not rape.
00:46:42
Speaker
When they have this stupid fucking low-fi song, it's not rape. When it's chill, it's not rape. When there's blue and purple lights in his lo-fi music, it's not rape. It's not rape. It's not rape. Because fucking fuck a kid as long as the lighting's cool, and they have cool makeup on, and the montage is sick. That's not rape. Yeah, it's montage. Yeah, the lo-fi. Meanwhile, I fuck a kid. It's a prop. Meanwhile, I fuck a kid. Meanwhile, I can't fuck no kid, and otherwise I'm going to jail. On HBO, though. HBO, and the kid. Yeah, Hollyweird.
00:47:09
Speaker
The whole show is like like the one girl like like the the fat girl in the shows like having her hot girl era Yeah, she's like wait a minute She's like I don't have to be pretty to get fucked like this is like the greatest life hack of all time Like dudes will just fuck me because I have a vagina Yeah, she like fucks one of the carnies at like the carnival and he's like that's so he's like 22
00:47:38
Speaker
They're like you're like they they have one guy the fucking the tall guy with his name Nate He's like tall and he's a jock and he's a control freak, but he's also like a closet at homo Oh, yeah, and like he like and he like beats people up and he saw and he like beats people up He's any fucks like a god They're like this is Nate. He fucks like a god. He's just
00:48:02
Speaker
And it's like a fucking kid. I'm like, that's a 16 year old kid bucks like a guy. He sucks like a guy It's like he takes molly and fucks like a god. He drugged all of us and fucked us and he fucks like a god I can't stop watching the show them. Of course. There's a train wreck. I can't stop watching it like fuck
00:48:29
Speaker
He drives like a truck and he fucked like a guy. Oh, yeah, that's like literally like how they talk about him Yeah, why do kids like or like? Kids fuck because it feels good Children or so We play pedophiles
00:48:57
Speaker
I was gonna say like why do Valley girls sound like fucking like you know, you know those like old-timey like scary Japanese like creatures They come from like TVs like like the grunge. Yeah the garage Yeah, they sound like that Because like they smoked like to virgin They wrote a beach cruiser to like a party with a bunch of like weird black guys
00:49:23
Speaker
Like every part of it every part of they go to there's always like some sort of like wigger That's like fucking like trying to like push a pill on him. He's got like a chance. I was like go take those fucking cities And they're like they're like oh my god, that's ever I think I remember my sister-in-law got me to watch the movie spring breakers
00:49:45
Speaker
He's like a white he's like a post Malone like riffraff looking guy and then one point like he like at one point like the girls like put on ski masks and they like Robin They like straddle them and they get hot and they like rob him and then he like sucks the gun I really like through like I like I closed up the remote I Would have folded the TV right in the pocket
00:50:08
Speaker
I was like, I can't watch James Franco suck a gun. I can't stand like bad ass, like with like, oh, I can't stand with like bad ass. Like especially on shameless living with Fiona would get all like, I got a cousin. I got a cousin who's like, who's like so convinced that he's black and he's like cool that he like, he like his Facebook pictures are like screenshots of like Dominican chicks and like bathing suits with like ski masks on.
00:50:35
Speaker
Like smoke coming out of the ski mask. I'm like yeah, I don't know if he's like the coolest cousin I've ever had Or like the worst it depends on what mood you're in it's in you know what I mean like I mean like a goofy mood I think it's funny. I think it rules if I'm in if I'm in a good mood that rules Yeah, where the spring break with spring breakers and euphoria kind of have that same thing It's like well if the lighting is cool like all the drugs and rape is fine. Yeah
00:50:59
Speaker
So you didn't get raped in a dirty basement. You got raped at like a party, like a pool. You can't get raped in a pool. It's honestly a pool. You can just swim away. What are you talking about? Being wet is consignment. Yeah, I'm wet. I'm pool wet.
00:51:12
Speaker
And there's always montages of them, like, taking drugs and, like, the screens upside down. They're, like, riding a bike. Like, it's not with being high on fucking, like... None of that's like that. No. You're not upside down. That's sensationalizing drugs, so kids take them. Yeah, so they can get their own, like, montage. Meanwhile, what happens is they pass out and, like, some 22-year-old guy just fucks them. Just rapes the fuck out of them. Rapes the fucking shit fuck out of them. Rapes the absolute shit fuck out of them behind a dumpster. Brock Turner, where are we at?
00:51:42
Speaker
Long story short, I can't stop watching this fucking show, though. I am hooked. It's like 9-11 footage. You cannot look away. It is. It's very cringy, but at the same time, I want to know what happens. Because it's fun to think about and make fun of. It is. And I'm also enjoying it. It's hate-watching. I'm enjoying it. It's a show that I've never seen. I know nothing about that I'm just watching. What's another good hate-watch show? Seriously. It's awful. There's got to be good ones out there that, like,
00:52:12
Speaker
Honestly for me like I feel like any show that like just started When a show has like just one season and I'm like not used to the characters yet I'm just like who the fuck are these guys? Who do they think they are and then once they had like season two? I'm like I love them. Yeah, hey watch. I'll do on a pilot episode aren't good Yeah pilots are like usually shot a year before they even like shoot the actual show um
00:52:39
Speaker
Hate Watch, I would say New Girl. New Girl? New Girl's for you? I've walked in while you're watching New Girl. I love, love, love, love, love, love. I love hating Zooey Deschanel. I mean, I love the cast. I think the cast is pretty cool. I love hating the rest of them too. I love hating all of them. Have you ever seen a movie called 500 Days of Summer?
00:52:56
Speaker
Yeah I love hating that movie too. I want to shave her head and punch her in the eye. She's such a bitch in that movie. I want to shave her head and punch her in the eye. Listen, the fucking past four months I've convinced myself I was in a 500 Days of Summer.
00:53:11
Speaker
Yeah, but like you guys didn't like wear like vintage headphones and like talk about the Smiths. I actually do actually you saw me today at your house I had vintage headphones on vintage headphones on these pilots thing to the Smiths. Are you fucking love or some shit? Yeah Yeah, I like I don't know as far as like sitcoms and like TV shows and stuff go like I comfort watch the Sopranos
00:53:36
Speaker
I comfort watch shameless which is great to get back into whoa if you give shameless a break for like two three show oh yeah I see my thing is like I only like watching it with you because we break it down so fucking like it's great I love she I love watching channels with you oh we all do commentaries eventually on this chair
00:53:53
Speaker
Also, we should watch Euphoria. That'd be so. Can we voice over Euphoria? We should watch Euphoria. We should just have Euphoria playing, and we're just talking over each scene. We voice act each character. Didn't the real-life Wigger character die in real life? Yeah, I believe so. And people were like, that's why they stopped it. What was his name? His name was, like, Mack Miller. Yeah, but what was his name on the show? It was, like, Klexley. Yeah, his name was, like, Zeus. I was, like, Zord.
00:54:22
Speaker
he's like he like he like sells oxy but like won't sell oxy to like certain people like that's so hot and responsible hot and responsible he like has like responsibilities so honestly like his right hand man's like an eight year old kid with a face tattoo his name's man's his name's man's his child's as man's as his child is his
00:54:42
Speaker
Wait, weren't you supposed to be on the sitcom? Like, didn't you audition to be an extra? Well, I was, yeah, so I signed up for this casting website, and I had an opportunity to do an extra role for Netflix, and I fucking missed it. For Fatai? Yeah, Fatai is, I fucking, I submitted too late. Oh, damn, really? Yeah, I was really bummed. I was really, really sad about it.
00:55:03
Speaker
Cause they asked me to do it. They asked me to do a featured extra, which I, which means I would be in a clear shot. Yeah. That's awesome. Like I would have been, you would have been like, yo, that's my fucking retarded boy. That's my dog. That's my fucking dog. But I did. I was in a fucking, I was in a movie. I was in a TV. I was in a TV show. Did I show you guys it? I don't think so. I didn't see the clip of you getting beat up yet.
00:55:23
Speaker
Yeah, well, they didn't even have it in there. The only thing they used of me is just the shot of me being beaten, tied to the chair. Really? Yeah. What is on Johnny? Check out the Johnny series. It's a really good scene that they have me in. Is you getting brutally beaten? I get brutally beaten and then murdered. Oh, okay. All right, nice. Yeah, it's pretty sick. Were you just the casualty of a drug deal?
00:55:53
Speaker
No, so I was I was I was a I was in cahoots with a with a car thief. Oh, yeah. So I was just I was just one of the dudes that got wrapped up in this thing with this car thief. And basically, yeah, so it was just
00:56:11
Speaker
But it was really cool, and it was made by somebody that I started, when I started doing comedy, somebody that I met in the very beginning of me doing comedy. Beginning of the industry, that's pretty cool. My boy Beta, who lost to my boy John Prophet in a rose battle. One time, one time, one time, one time. He said he looked like a Pusha T action figure, and that fucking crushed the rim.
00:56:36
Speaker
Yeah, that's pretty cool. Did you have lines or you just came being I had like bleed you're gonna bleed here like die here. I had a line. I had a line where it was like I told the guy Percy who was the person I said I was like I was supposed to say Percy leave and then they didn't use it. Okay, but we shot it like a few times in school.
00:56:57
Speaker
Is that a cool experience? It was super cool, because I had no idea how long did your makeup take. Dude, it took like 30 minutes. But it was sick, though. I mean, she did such a good job. Nice, yeah. What episode is that? The second one. Damn, we just beat up this fuck. I'm in it for like six seconds. Fuck yeah. But I thought it was going to be like a minute. Is it on YouTube? It's on YouTube? Yeah. I mean, how long is each episode? Probably like 30 minutes.
00:57:28
Speaker
I was just in it for a few seconds, but it was like a car theft show or like yeah, so it's just it's just a crime show What's it called again? Johnny Johnny Johnny series the Johnny series check it out
00:57:41
Speaker
Johnny seriously check me out man. I'm a star freaking check the dude out. Yeah, he's on shit. Yeah, he's literally on. Yeah, he got an IMDB hire Jim for your next project. Yeah hire me man. I do it all. I do play things I get to you know, I'd be I could do strong black one. He does balloon. He does balloon animals and
00:58:01
Speaker
I do blow job, hand job. Yeah, I do face fucking. I do rim job, I do cuddle, I do side stuff. You can fuck my face, you can wipe my ass. I do, listen, I do glory hole, I do gagging, I do spit paint. You can do sacks. I can do fucking... We can do hoops. We can do it all. I like bondage and tickle torture and I like anything with a tentacle.
00:58:25
Speaker
Anything has got to do with getting fucked up the ace. Yeah, oh man. I'll do boy boy Do I ever know that man? I love getting fucked up the head do I love taking a rod right in my fucking rear? You know it's got to be the most pleasant experience of this adult life I've had getting rail getting getting bitch. I am getting fucking raped. I don't know
00:58:46
Speaker
I'm just imagining, like, a gay porn star that's, like, always known that he's gay and had, like, a great, like, childhood. Like, that's, like, a character. Oh, that's people that grow up today. Because now that being gay is, like, mandatory. Being gay, you have to be gay now. Yeah, that's what I heard. That's what I heard of this. You won't make it anywhere if you're not a fucking cum-sucking fag. Apparently, we're all in the spectrum now or something. You're supposed to... Well, apparently, you're born gay, and then you... For some reason, you, like, after your first bowl of cereal, you find out if you're straight or gay.
00:59:14
Speaker
After my first bowl cereal? Yeah, and then God comes down, gay God comes down, he puts a propeller hat on you. Oh, it's kind of like the sorting bowl. Yeah, gay God is actually RuPaul. It used to be Ellen, but she retired. I worked at a Quaker school to have a gay class.
00:59:29
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, it was like cum sucking like it was like boy kissing too I'm gonna fail this guy. No, I'm gonna fail the I'm gonna fail this guy. No fuck
00:59:46
Speaker
I'm gonna fail this final, dude. I suck at kissing, guys. Fuck. Fuck, dude. I suck at kissing dudes. I can't kiss dudes. I'm gonna fail this class. Can I say something? Can I just play lacrosse, bro? Yeah, can I say something? Kissing guys? Not that bad. Ain't that bad. Ain't that bad. Ain't that bad. Yeah, but if you do have to do 50 in one hour, it's pretty bad. You're like a mustache guy, too, right? You're like a stasher. I do. I like gay cowboy twinks.
01:00:16
Speaker
He likes gay cowboys. Watch out. Watch out. I'm not asking for much. I just want you to fucking have no job. I want you to be out of control. I want you to have substance abuse issues. I want you to be bipolar. I want you to do my laundry. I want you to stink bad. I want you to fucking... You know what I mean? I'm not asking for... You like stinky gay cowboys. Yeah.
01:00:37
Speaker
Nice. Yeah. I mean, what else is there? What is the alternative? T.J., we should just split a hooker for Jim. Split a hooker? He's like, howdy, looking for Jim Gillespie? I'm looking for Jim Gillespie. I'm like, um, yes. Hi. Yeah, you guys hire a guy. Hi. Hey.
01:00:57
Speaker
I'm like completely different when I'm with guys. When you have a dude over here, do you use nubbins to clean up? I use her as a cloth. You use your cat to clean up. Yeah, sure. She's fully white. She is fully white. She's fully white, but she's got that brown spot on her back from last time I used her to wipe up. She's a cookie. That's her cookie. I think we're at an hour, dude. Yeah, you ready to hit it? All right, guys, we love you so much. Tune in next week for more... Close to Hell. Close to Hell podcast.