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EP 15: Hood Simulator
118 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Braaibroodjies (South African Grilled Cheese), The Chicken Tenders at Topgolf, and John's Journey to find Ribs at The Thirsty Bulldog.
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Transcript
Introduction & Gay Birth Control Comedy
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Close to Hell podcast. I'm Jim Gillespie, and to my right is John Prophet, and to his right is TJ Lee. As always, we're talking about gay birth control. eat birth control What is gay birth control? Gay birth control is my bottle of scope over there, dude. It's got a bottle of Heine Wash over there. Heine Wash, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got some menthol Heine Wash. you don't what your You don't want your lover going down on you and and tasting your ass over the day. You want him going down on you and having a a breath of minty air like he just got off of a fucking plane at the top of so Mount St. Helen. Mount St. Helen. That's a place. that where Is that where your booty's the freshest?
00:00:39
Speaker
Yeah, right up there.
Flavored Condoms & AIDS Misconceptions
00:00:40
Speaker
You do gay sex on Mount St. Helen. You fucking, you've reached fucking gay Valhalla. St. Helen fucking shatters. Yeah. Shatters. Yeah. Nice little chills. Yeah, nice little chills. Yeah, I have chills. I have one thing to say is that I have chills. Literally chills. Literally chill. I love literally chills. It's giving chills. It's giving. I love it's giving. Ugh. Have you ever had like a flavored condoms? Have you ever tried them? No. I've worn a condom since like fucking like Yeah, middle school. I hate them. Yeah, I hate them. I don't mind them. Oh, I like feeling protected. I feel like it's like, yeah, I mean, I mean, yeah, if I was out there on the streets, yeah, like I like a man, they protect me from AIDS and dookie, dookie, dookie in the pipe, right? Dookie in the pipe. Sometimes people have a little fucking, you know what I mean? I mean, you don't even need like subway surfers, subway surfers.
00:01:32
Speaker
You don't even need a protection for AIDS anymore. Apparently, AIDS is long gone. No, it's super... I don't know where you read that, but it's around. AIDS is out of style. It might be out of style, but it's definitely still happening. Big time. They're still making zip-off pants. The second after... AIDS be zip-off pants and we're fucked. If you ever see a moment in gay fashion when they stop adding zippers, that's how you know AIDS is over. Isn't AIDS worse than the heroin and tran community, though? ah Needles and shit. Yeah, cuz I don't think you can take prep and like stop like giving me heroin. Yeah
00:02:11
Speaker
It's just I didn't know that like it's a dirty needles you get diseases from too. You know you get like hepatitis and shit, right? Hapsee? Heck fucking half. What do you care that you're passed out in front of a metro PCS? Yeah? I mean you get to go to the house. I got hep strap, and I forgot to pay for my prep. I'm a gay nightmare Jesus. Yeah, he's a gay night gay nightmare Okay, super villain he's like ra I feel like I feel like a hairball which I'm gonna call it like drug addicts they share more dick too than needles they share needles have you seen the Kensington live cams I love I love it, I love it. I literally watch either Dance Moms or I watch Kensington Live Camp and then I go to the band and go, why am I so anxious every single night? Yeah, why am I freaking the fuck out? Why do I wake up feeling like someone's about to fucking hit me in the face? Why does it feel as though it's been months since I've had a moment of peace?
00:03:13
Speaker
yeah i I haven't been able to chill. I've not been able to chill. I've been to the beach twice and I still haven't been able to chill. You're wound up on the fucking beach? What a nightmare. I was wound up on the beach so I went out past the fucking, I went out past the waves with catching floaters. That's the fucking best. I'll float all the way to another country if they let me. I've seen you do it. I've seen you touch Spain. or i kick I kicked off a spain to come back. He literally went back and pushed his big toe off spain and then I saw him come back. Go back to 4th and Rocco in Spain. I kicked off a spain. Dude, they're fixing my beach right now, my sweet beach.
Ethiopian Restaurant & Ethnic Food Jokes
00:03:45
Speaker
Sweet, sweet, sweet. They're dredging my beach. They're giving us the beach pack. Which one? In North Wildwood, the water came all the way up to the street. Oh, shit. Took the whole beach out for months and they wouldn't repair it. So now they're like dredging the sand up or whatever. So I went swimming right next to like the drilling site.
00:04:00
Speaker
And I was just there was like this giant like machine look like I was swimming in like a Star Wars battle Just all these big fucking cranes and shit out in the water. That's just like fun I feel like having like a little like swimming pool and like yeah jos out of the water like nice youw I Was like pew pew pew I heard the cringiest fucking thing ever though. I fucking bet you don't. We were next to this like- You have an ear for that. group i My ear gets huge when I'm near to like fucking like cowboys like fucking dickheads and these dudes were all still they all had like cowboy hats on and they're just watching the construction go down they're like
00:04:32
Speaker
Man, where we used to do that with little toys when we were kids. Some things never change. I literally like started eating dry sand and like trying to like wash it down with a potato chip. it literally puts it that That comment puts sand in my chips. ah ah I was like fuck this oh Man that made my I made me close my eyes. It's disgusting I just moment of silence for how bad that was my mom i'm like that's cringy and now I'm like out in the ocean like I literally brought a handful of sour cream and only chips out there Just get my hand up until I was done like I just walked out past the water
00:05:06
Speaker
like feeding myself Better than getting drunk at the beach the best fucking place in the world oh Dude, you just go piss every five minutes. I just got there and piss my pants every five minutes Yeah, you have to worry about like using the bathroom or anything Return back to nature. I'm like wait till I tell you about what it's like to get old you're gonna Love it shit yourselves shit wherever you want. I am gonna start shitting myself soon I'm gonna shit myself today during a fucking training at work They look an OSHA guy come in and like mid conversation. I fucking literally had this like And everyone in the break room heard it Oh when other people hear it that's the worst. I literally had to speed walk to the bathroom and I'm shitting like inches away from this meeting like there's only a wall dividing so I'm like flushing as I'm trying to like fucking like and I was like shit. You're flush coughing trying to like hide this turd? Yeah I was like shooting a gun. I was like shooting my gun off as I was shitting so they would think yeah it's worse. Anything but me shitting right now. It's worse than fucking like it's literally shooting a gun would be better than just being like
00:06:08
Speaker
So last night I had a show, and I had to shit as soon as I got there. And it was, of course, the show was at an Ethiopian restaurant. Nice. So of course- Yeah, those guys are shit in the air. So of course the air, so of course the toilets, it's like the worst fucking bathroom in the world. The Ethiopian toilet. It's the worst fucking bathroom on Earth. And it's like impossible to lock the fucking door. I had to lift the door to lock it. Yeah, like one of those deals like it fucking is and it's like one of those things where it's like I'm I haven't even like squatted yet There's already somebody fucking
00:06:41
Speaker
Like, I'm like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I mean, they're like, literally like, oh my god! I haven't even shit yet! They just make you shit into an anvil. Go away! I'm like, let the scream go away! I'm like, oh my god! Probably the cook trying to get something to fucking cook with. Yeah, he's like, I smell branzino! I smell branzino! Holy shit! Open up! Yeah. It's fresh. What is it at an Ethiopian restaurant because literally in my head, I'm assuming it's just empty plates coming They're like just a bunch of forks and I was like I can taste the culture This is a cultured plate. Oh, how many people like that were in there?
00:07:23
Speaker
It was stuffed with like nose rings and like and passports. That's my problem is if I had a couple beers there I'd be like you fucking love Ethiopian. So you love them. You've never seen one ever see I don't even know what one looks like. I couldn't tell you I just know they're skinny as fuck. That's ah that's I mean, that's my basic knowledge with you. They don't have the McRib is what I know about them Yeah, they don't have ribs. All I remember was just this racist meme from when I was a kid and it was somebody, somebody duct taped a steak to a ceiling. Yeah. So it had to start a rave in Ethiopia. Yeah. And that's what I know about it. That's all I know about it. Yeah, look up some Ethiopian food. Let's see what you got.
00:07:56
Speaker
That's literally the place. that's live The first place is literally where I before last night. Oh, that's crazy. Abyssinia? Abyssinia. Abyssinia. Yeah, I'll be seeing you later after I get nasty shit in your toilet. Oh, so it's kind of like you like eat it with like your hand. and like Sure. oh don No, that's what I left in the toilet right there. Boom. The red the red ball's in the big bowl. I kind of like this though, where you kind of like get like a bread and then you just use it as like... Yeah, it's like I'm there. I love when the bread is the plate, you know what I mean? Yeah. You're just a white lady. I am a white lady. You're just a white lady. I love tapas. I love it. I love it. It's like that. I love when you pick it up. They pick it up with their chef, comes out and shoots you through the side with an arrow. I love it. It's like you pick it up with your little hand. It's like, oh, my God. I bet you. And the people there, they eat it with their hands because they're dirty little animals. Oh, shit.
00:08:50
Speaker
yeah Like it's like that started wholesome. so I like to yeah, I like to lay down they lay down on their stomach because they can't afford chairs Yeah, lay down. Yeah, I think it's funny that the the chefs are bringing shit out. They're like, oh we just found this in the dumpster We're just throwing stuff together a fucking lime on top of it. and You're like, oh my god what a deried bike ah deep fried fried bike ah Just a fucking dumb bitch eating it with a fucking fufu. Oh my god, yes, so good. Fufu, and they're like, i'll have there I'll have the fried bikkeh. Honestly, it was the brake cable for me. Yeah. That's so funny. That's just the idea of the Ethereum restaurant. They're just taking shit out of the dumpster and cooking it for you. Deep fried butt is so fucking hilarious.
00:09:40
Speaker
Did you eat any other food when you were there? Of course I didn't, TJ. Come
Office Humor & Gun Ownership
00:09:44
Speaker
on now. yeah Go for the culture. You know me. Yeah, you know Jim Gillespie. I know TJ would get TJ would ask for them He'd be like I'll have the cheetah head I'll have the king from Tekken My favorite so tender he just like I'll have the bug sandwich in the fucking
00:10:04
Speaker
I'll have the bug grilled cheese. Bug sandwich? Yeah, I'll have a fucking mosquito grilled cheese. Have you ever seen the mosquito burger? Yes. Holy shit. Have you seen the fucking, have you seen the bra, we have a pan around and they just catch them. Have you seen the bra-bruji sandwich? Yeah, that was fucking horrible, dude. Me and him worked for a catering company that was trying so hard to make people feel included, that literally on Juneteenth they made slave food and they made, the one day they made African food, it was like a bra-bruji sandwich. It was South African grilled cheese. It was a South African grilled cheese. It had bits of recycled tire in it and shit. It had literally a Mets World Series jersey in it. It was crazy. It was sports gear that got shipped overseas because we never used it. team on the five losing team like Eagles Super Bowl 2004 I have a little bit of t-shirt in there yeah it's a little fucking t-shirt t-shirt and fucking chutney that's what's cooked in a t-shirt and we actually to be traditional we had to bash one of the cooks brains in for stealing a man bro G
00:11:04
Speaker
but Rabuji. Rabuji sandwich. I bet you they just... rub ty What if it was just a typo and they're like, they'll never fucking... They'll never. and They'll never say barbecue sandwich, but it's... Oh yeah, Brababduji. That's the Brababduji sandwich. The chars that they do on the bread, it just seems wrong. I don't know why. Yeah. Like that, like it goes with the grain. i feel because That's because it's literally made on a shopping cart. Yeah, it's literally cooked on a fucking shopping cart. It's cooked on a sideways shopping cart. Come on, Teige. I'll try it though. I'll definitely try it. It's just a good choice. Read what's in it. Read what's in it. Read what's in it. What is in it? Let's see. Baby hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog face. Dog face, yeah, yeah. Stork. Stork neck. Stork ankle. Yeah, stork ankles. Starchy side dish. Let's see. The world of modern conveniences, you can have a starchy side dish that is simultaneously much simpler to make and yet more varied and tasty than rooster coke. Oh wow, if it's not rooster coke. Oh my god, anything but rooster coke.
00:12:02
Speaker
By making a sandwich of sliced bread and your choice of feelings and then, Bri, that's over Coles. And that is how the world got Bra-ba-brujidzies. Is that just like a panini then? Like their but version of a panini? Yeah. I want to know what's in it, not the origin. It's like a it's a panini, but it's you also get right. It says you could put anything It's just a slice of bread and your choice of feelings. It's your the world is yours. Oh, no, but there's a recipe click that sv Go to the top of the fucking page. You don't have to type anything hey go boom They put it Sweet mango chutney and salted onion and tomatoes that actually sounds really good Oh mango chutney like a little sweet with a little savory.
00:12:48
Speaker
Chutney kiss my ass Chutney Chutney can kiss my fucking chutney and also what was the other one I raise you I know it's really the other other catering sauce that they were throwing on every chimichurri Oh White chefs with fucking sleeves like fucking chimichurri chimichurri they love st. Chimichurri while they wipe something with a brag. We're gonna use a little chimichurri Are you bald fuck? Are you yeah, we're literally talking about our boss Oh that fucking faggot that showed up on my fucking he fucking showed up my comedy show and gave me the finger I was like, I'll break your fucking neck. Just I Took a picture of him sent up to you and he'd caught me taking it and wanted to like talk to me after I was like I fucking sent you a picture of my to my friend of you Yes, yeah, I did I sent a picture you a fucking kid like you younna fucking hit me. I'll kill you right now
00:13:35
Speaker
Wait, did no one actually buy the sandwich though? No, no one bought that. Everyone's like, no, I want to fucking, like even like the African people, I want to, I'll take a fucking slice of pizza. They found out there was one African guy right there. I fought my life to get over, get away from the bravo doo-doo sandwich and now you're making me eat it at my fucking job, which I'm college for. fuck you i came here on a fucking pallet filled with water balloons hey you're go to fucking you know it's really funny on juneteenth is well they made all these like like all these like culture like appropriate sandwiches and stuff they literally mean while they i they gave all the blacks we work with shit for eating cheesy grits than that morning they're like you're supposed to pay for those cheesy grits
Social Media Critiques
00:14:10
Speaker
i'm like this juneteenth
00:14:11
Speaker
Yeah, dude. The cheesy fucking whip them then. Why don't you whip them then? Why don't you hit them with a fucking whip then, you piece of shit? You guys worked at Fuck a you. fucking, like... We worked at a retarded place. Yeah, we worked at a finance place, right? Yeah, we worked at a finance place that no one came in. Yeah, it should be close. Three people a day. They would try to, like, nickel and dime the three people that came in. They're like, oh, you should buy a bra-babduji sandwich for 25 bucks.
00:14:32
Speaker
ah they anyway um I would listen any of the Juneteenth. I will raise anyone cheesy grits. Yeah, cheese grits cheese grits. I think that they put that they put all pepper bang and they put me in literal blackface for fucking Juneteenth. Really? Yeah. Yeah, blackface. Yeah. When? At the fucking at the catering job. They were like, go hype them up. I was like, I don't think I can. I don't think I have the spirit. And they were like, oh, yeah, go in there. Yeah. They were they took a fucking melted butter finger and they rubbed it on my face. Oh, my God. They sent me out into the fucking cubicles and we're like, who wants a bra bougie? Who's a bra bougie sandwich? You guys like that, right? And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, West Philly. No, I don't like a bra dude. Yeah, I don't want a fucking bra, but doogee gangage. Doogee.
00:15:16
Speaker
It is fucking horsefly sandwich. Tell me about the people at this fucking, at this Ethiopian show. Was there people like- Oh, like absolute fucking like curly ponytail guy. It's like surfer, like temple film, like half of the room was militant. Imagine paying $50,000 or getting your parents to pay $50,000 for you to watch a boring black and white movie. 40, 40, okay, hold on. 40 people in the room. It's literally what the fucking degree is. 40 people in the room to my left is 20 mixed race militant black women. Most dangerous on the planet. I know I know actual space storm troopers think Hamas is bad yeah On the other side on the other side on the other side It was literally temple film students, and I was like this is the worst game of family feud ever it is yeah, oh God they're like
00:16:04
Speaker
like seeing like like film students and shit it's like i get it you love movies you want to make a movie but like i just get like download criteria on it just watch those boring movies alone it was this guy was this guy was ever sour to go fucking do that shit like there was a guy there with surfer hair and i was like what are you fucking like i was like what do you i was like what do you do you a film student too he was like yeah I was like, you were like, Sharknado9 has to get made. Like, we're doing it somehow. That's a better film than anything they're watching. They would never watch Sharknado. They would never watch Sharknado. He was like, he was from Paris. Like, there was a bunch of, like, French film students. It was like... I was like we get it you wear a hat on the side of your head fuck you. Oh pray. Oh, so I wait my fucking ass in that beret dude The last two shows that I did have been like really hilarious. I've just been like I've been like going at people Well those are good shows for cow work because you get to fucking really just shit on them just I did the one show that you were at I literally told this guy I was like I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you, but I like that about you Yeah, that was a good show and it worked and it worked that he left
00:17:08
Speaker
yeah But like were people eating during your set no no no no no no so it was upstairs in like the little like weird like But it was above an Ethiopian restaurant. Yeah Yeah, I'm was it busy like you like half the crowds just rats sitting up a couple rats with a beer like Staring straight up. It was so funny being in like West Philly like yeah really has those spots Indian food and fucking there's like well That's the thing like but it also has this crazy divide of like Black people that have like lived there their whole lives. And then these like fucking like University City like like little goblin monsters. It's literally just a bunch of Mac DeMarco's walking around. They're like worse now, though, because they're like French. you mark yeah i don't give a French like a cigarette or something? Yeah, I know. A piece of chocolate? clip A chocolate or a chocolate or a cigarette or something? That's what it is. Nick Kroll? Yeah. Something so like ah a cigarette. A cigarette? A cigarette.
00:18:04
Speaker
But like, I i went to ah like a temple party. Ew, you already lost. Oh my god, we went to a temple party. You walked in, they were like, no. And there was this kid that had a whole bag of cassettes. a Fucking like wah wah bag and he like literally couldn't be any more annoying with them. Oh Everything it's he's basically just jingling them. He was like I brought all these and I was like, I'm gonna show him I can't speak on the matter, but I I have used it a couple times yet and
00:18:44
Speaker
a few times But not even in like a gay way, it's like it's it's usually never a gay guy I'm saying it about no It's like somebody you like fucking giving me shit for me definitely they're definitely something but like they're on the alphabet But like yeah, it's just I think it's a multiple meaning word in my opinion, but I but don't like to hear it. So i don't say it I fuck I also don't hate gay people so that I let it rip dude fuck you who you can you can cuz you fucking like every once in a while you like doo-doo thingy and shit yeah I do get doo-doo thingy you'd be like you'd be like like like bros of fuck poop like and say it it was bros that fuck poop say
00:19:16
Speaker
You're like one of them poop fucking dudes. I'm one of them, I'm one of them stinky doodoo. I'm more like a poop fucker. I'm one of those shit fuckers. shit fuckers. so shit fucker and one of those shit fuckers so But it is funny when you're hanging out with those people like how like you realize how insufferable they are. Or you think you're like, am I the problem? Should I be obsessed with something that's fucking sucks? There's something to be said about people that are so annoying that they make you feel Republican. Like that is... And I'm not. And I'm not. I'm not. I like to joke around. I'm not. I mean, I... No, I like to joke around. But they make me want to be. They make me want to be out of spite because I'm like, it's either I'm into regular shit, I feel like, or I'm into like...
00:19:53
Speaker
Stupid German films and fucking like yeah like a chocolate or some care about that I don't care about like the yeah like I like limp biscuit and I like that doesn't make me a Republican These are like Bob's it means yeah, it means you like Eddie Guerrero on Smackdown. It means I like jams Liking jams and hating faggots. Okay. Yeah, that makes you feel like that. I feel like you're on one team or the other Yeah, the blimp biscuit has been unfairly politicized. It's annoying honestly but you met all film fucks Of all the people that have been wrapped up in the into political warfare Limp Bisket deserves at the least. Yeah, as i said there's a little trust fun kids that are playing fucking hood simulator That's what it is. That's what it is. They play hood simulator. I thought of a funny scam Like everyone down here is waiting to rob you you little fucking golf shirt wearing bitch Yeah, I thought of a funny like sketch idea where it's like ah ah a dad's like screaming at his kid to like get outside and like do the chores yeah And he fucking like and and like the kids like I never get to do what I want and he's like sits back down he's playing lawnmower simulator yeah that's why yeah when I remember the lowest I've ever been I've ever been in a relationship is when I quit a job with no job lined up I was like 21 I was like yeah I'll just you know
00:21:14
Speaker
I'm trying to figure it out and maybe you pay for everything for like six months. like oh I'll figure it out. She came home from work and I was playing lawn mowing simulator. And she like came in and my dad's like, yeah, he's been playing this all day. And I looked at him like, you're an ass. You're an ass. You're watching me playing all day. Yeah. What are you doing? What do you want me to do? I can't cut no grass. I live in an apartment complex. You dr a few glasses of virtual lemonade, you motherfucker. What the fuck? Yo, I'm working over here. I'm practicing. My dad's like, he's trying to get a degree. He's doing simulations. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I'm like, you're a fucking bus driver. Call that sick four times in a row. Shut up. Yeah, shut up. But yeah, quitting my job and then doing lawn mowing simulator. I cut like probably like 30 lawns, made nothing. It's so fucked. I cut 30 lawns, had a bowl of ramen that day. Fuck. It's awesome. Hard days work. Hard days work. I am grateful that I work in a place that's indoors, but i'm i I wish I worked outside.
00:22:09
Speaker
Yeah. I don't mind when it's hot outside. What about the cold? Huh. Cold fucking sucks. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the cold hurts. Yeah. Being cold hurts. I hate the cold. I hate being cold too. Farting in the cold hurts. Yeah, sharp fart. Up the crack. oh Yeah, then that breezes your back. That's what he back i went snowboard I went snowboarding with Isaac and I had I had a pair of snow for all's on and I ripped a hot fart in them And I literally was convinced I should shit my pants. Oh, yeah yeah nowhere to go it's Absolutely trapped under my fucking balls. I was like Is that liquid? Oh, I'm gonna try to get enough distance for it to get cold so I can feel if it's wet or not
00:22:45
Speaker
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. That happened to me a couple of days ago. Not the fart. I didn't think I wiped properly. When you fart and your nuts reek and the fart and the nuts, like, the fart comes up the front side of your nuts. Yeah, it basically comes up the side of your nuts. Yeah, it dabs up your nuts. We stink today. Stinky boys. Stinky boys for life. Stinky boys for life. Stinky boys for life. It's so funny. My balls talking to each other. Stinky boys for life. yeah yeah like my one balls like dying of cancer it's like yeah I don't know if we're gonna be stinky boys for life no more that'd be a sad movie would you watch that movie what balls and two testicles being stinky boys for life yeah but one of them gets sick and dies one of them get no so one of them gets washed but one yeah suck the left one gets sucked how'd that feel
00:23:40
Speaker
Jealous and murders the other I mean I probably would I probably would too if I happen to be the right one testicular torsion I had a great title for the movie I Yesterday I went to fucking yesterday my company took us the top golf Yeah, and it was like literally they took a bunch of retards to a fucking like amusement park Boss can we get ticket fingers? a Should I bring my own clubs? Well you don't have gloves. You don't have gloves. You don't have fucking gloves dude. You don't have gloves. You don't have gloves. You got work boots on brother. You didn't bring clothes. Work boots. So I bring my boots or so I wear my um I always have work boots. But just hand scratchers. Literally dude. Literally. Oh my god. Literally. Literally, I do you're like and you're in your I got so drunk. I just was like I might as well have fucking Down syndrome You're in there like what do you say about the fucking chicken fingers? Yeah? I'm not asking me you can they're like hey boss. You knew we got nothing to lose right? He's like yeah, why not? I don't see why not really nice
00:24:51
Speaker
No, dude, it was like, it was funny because like- You guys having fun, man? My boss, and like- Boss just got another round of 10's. Yeah, boss got another round of 10's. This guy fucking likes us one day out of the month. But fucking, everybody, like, everyone in the office, the guys who make like six figures, they all have like a membership. They're like signing in. They're like, hey, to the fucking front desk guy. and meanwhile we're all in there like stinking from work they like made us leave from like a hot shift they were like alright fucking hop like get in the car we're going i'm like we don't get the shower first so i'm like i don't get to put my golf shirt on like you did all right fine i'll work i'll i'll do my sweaty dickies
00:25:25
Speaker
It was like, they literally were like, we're gonna bring these retards out to golf. And like, that's the other thing, you're taking like dudes from Marcus Hook and Chester. Like, like my Boston shit, golf, like the dudes that were in Chester, they just like beat their wives up. That's the only sport they know. yeah It's just domestic abuse. They're literally like, just like, the one dude was like, I'm gonna go for the Happy Gilmore. I'm literally got wasted off crown apple and just ran towards the end of it and like smacked it so hard and just completely missed the ball and fell on his head on the monitor. Nice. And my boss is like, this is why we don't go to, like, we don't do anything fun. This is why. You bring these fucking retards with us. Is Jameriquai just fucking? No, no, this is a white guy. Same name. He thinks he's white. Same name. Yeah. They're like, we're going to bring these retards golfing.
00:26:13
Speaker
Literally, one of the dudes is like, I'm not gonna lie, but I wish we were the David Busters. Maybe not talking about David Busters. Is there a slide? Literally, either is there a slide at the top? Is there a slide? I can't believe you asked that. Is there a slide? I but can't believe you asked that. I heard someone saying, is there gonna be a s slide there? like like one What John's in the car like so car i don fucking want to be here and then i i'm definitely getting Two I know I literally I had like 15 corona's Nice. Oh, yeah. He's like you get enough to drink. I was like no No, I don't I drink more than this. I've done Well, you fucking bone me on the slide might as well get some fucking beers i but yeah me like a lot flu With this thing
00:26:59
Speaker
That's 75. That's literally how it was. Everyone was like, I bet you, if you ask him, we could probably get more. They're like, they're trying to finesse your boss. He was like, yeah, can we get some more chicken fingers? Yeah, we're running low low fingers. I watched it go all the way. I was like, can get some more chicken fingers? My boss was like, yo my boss, because you know what? I don't see why we couldn't get more chicken fingers, huh? You know what? Everyone's like, let's pay the big bucks. Everyone's like, I love him. I'll keep coming here every day. I will hurt my bag every day for a man. yeah This guy spent like a little bit of money off like the company credit card. It wasn't like he was like out of that out of the kindness of my heart. They're writing that off. They're like, you know what? This makes it all worth it. I don't see why we couldn't get a couple of words. It was literally like grandpa's magical toys. He was like, come on in, kids.
00:27:47
Speaker
How about some more chicken fingers? I think we need more chicken fingers, everybody. He was like, what are you saying? charge i guys what do you your Your boss said to you, brother, what do you say? That means he thinks you guys are all having the mind of a 10-year-old. And John, you're like, you like this guy thinks what I'm thinking. I was like, that's good. More tingans. More More tingans. More tingans now. Thank you. can i get a mountain dew when my food comes out i don't like to drink alcohol and eat
00:28:20
Speaker
i have some i was all i was there as me i was made out i'm like that was too specific that was me me me me me me me Very funny though top golf during the day. That's when you like like six-figure dudes That's where they're at all week. By the way top golf. That's where they're at all week. It's funny cuz they're all my time your boss is not in the office Anytime your boss is not in the office. He's at top golf talking about how he can pay you less PSA guys that play top golf are bottoms. Are they bottoms? yeah Power bottoms. Yeah Like no not power bottoms, but they're like like finance guys they was getting fucked by someone better than them yeah cuz it makes them want to do better at ah others like Davis Clark you don't think Davis Clark's like taking one up the fucking pipe what is you know it's really funny I'm such a retarded person that I'm like what is finance I'm like what is that
00:29:13
Speaker
What was that? You're kidding there, right? What, do they manage people's accounts? I don't know. Yeah, pretty much. Is that all it is? They just manage people's accounts and how they grow. Accounting and fucking like, yeah, shit like that. I want to do that. Wealth management and fucking... I sure want the school, man. Tax management. You still can't. You could just go to like night school and then get like an MBA. Yeah, but then when am I going to chill? You know, when the fuck am I going to have chicken fingers and pop golf? Yeah. that is a good that is going that was you young old some from it i already fucked that up what i'm best
00:29:44
Speaker
ah now I'm letting someone else buy me chicken a fingers TJ TJ loves TJ's got a great vision for his future you do and you're gonna have a great future cuz you the glass is half full for you my chicken finger is half eaten TJ TJ TJ like ah in a couple days ago asked me to vouch for him to do a guest spot on two sold-out shows at a club Yeah, and TJ has done comedy one time over the last two months awesome I love that for him take the gamble fucking retard this guy's like this guy's a fucking golden headliner say what he's like Oh, he's like hey. I was like. He's like what if
00:30:22
Speaker
Hey, high-risk high reward. It's true. It's true. ah Tomorrow, um i'm like I'm actually gonna put myself on the presidential ballot. Those mouths don't get fed. Exactly. That is true. That is true. That's how the boys secured fingies at the fucking top shop. Yeah, that's right. Because the clothes mouths don't get fed. The squeakiest wheel gets the most oil, PJ. Don't forget. Squeaky wheels, I like that saying Squeaky wheels do comedy Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels, Squeaky wheels
00:30:57
Speaker
I think you got it. I think you can go up there. I think so too. i think he i think if he I think if he did comedy, he'd be very funny. Let's go up and get some reps, dude. He doesn't do it. Yeah, I gotta get back in there. I went back to the gym and then I realized like I'm so out of shape now. yeah I tried to do a mile and I was like huffing and puffing. I couldn't do a mile. I could walk a mile easy. Yeah, I had to stop and walk a mile. But a couple weeks of you going back, you'll be you'll you'll be back. I need to be back in form before July 4th, because I need to impress Isaac. Isaac was blown away. Isaac was blown away by TJ Shazik. He was like, he's fucking jacked, dude. I was like, all right, man, relax. I was like, say it to me. TJ was like, stop. But keep going. I know, I was like a lot thinner last summer. Now I'm like, I'm eating chicken tenders at fucking Topgolf. I'm like, ugh. I just, I don't know, I can't stop eating.
00:31:49
Speaker
yeah know that's That's my problem. I'm trying to like redo my diet so I can eat the things that I want to eat. dude Just go Omed. Omed? Is that what you're doing? ah it's but I lost a lot of weight. yeah I did Omed. But instead, if I ate healthy Omed, I would have probably lost more weight. But I was eating literally McDonald's as my Omed. I would get three double cheeseburgers, no pickles, no onions, large coke, large fries, buffalo saucesbaes sauce, barbie sauce. That was my OMAD, and I lost weight doing it. But if I if i ate like what you're supposed to eat, don't be one of those fucking jerkoffs with a cutting board. ah People on Instagram are like, and you have to eat off a cutting board if you're gonna be primitive.
00:32:25
Speaker
It's like literally a fucking cutting board man. literally It's like, no you're not. You're a fucking, you're a white chick. If you're not even off a cutting board like... They take a picture of how they looked before and they're fat with no makeup and now they're skinny with like a bunch of makeup. They're like, it's crazy. I actually like grew eyeliner. like yeah I ate avocado for lunch every day and now all of a sudden I have eyeliner and bangs. It's fucking weird. The first picture is them like getting out of bed and like with like a shit in the bed. like literally it's like that after the Shit the bed and someone's like whoa is it a picture of them? That's their like before and then the second one is like literally their pussy and asshole in the mirror. They're like yeah Yeah, it's like oh sweet get from eating 12 eggs for lunch. Yeah not little well bags Little known fact avocados are actually a great eyeliner food. Yeah, they're a great source of fat
00:33:11
Speaker
yeah They fat in your eyelids? Yeah. I feel like I'm a grazer, though. like i don't why I need to like snack throughout the day. You're a grazer? Is that what that means? that you just have the graze You just graze. You walk around, you eat a little bit there, you walk over there, you eat a little bit. Why don't you want to try to... guy know you work You work with food all day. Literally, I gained so much weight working next to food because every time my boss would turn around, I would jam flank steak in my back. I knew how to I was like a chipmunk. I could pack a lip of flank steak and he'd be talking to me. like I would literally just work around talking to him. Something's wrong with this wagyu. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah. I tried to learn how he did it. I stuffed a whole potato in my mouth one day. He like asked me something. I'm like, dude, your best bet, honestly, because you're also a cook, too, if you literally just ate meat and vegetables.
00:34:01
Speaker
ah Shit ton of them you're already middle yeah you just win you're already you're already on the thin side I Hate vegetables. No, you don't you like veggies. Well good veggie like cooked. Well, I can't cook you like you like chicken tenders and chicken nights I Also, love who doesn't love them. I love a good fried shit no but my com but everybody i rideed bike i stuck on fried bike fried bicycle i was I was trying to do like ah a cheesesteak, but instead of the long roll I was gonna substitute it for like David's killer bread. It's apparently like that has a lot of fiber it's he lot fireber but if you so here's the thing If you put cheesesteak if you put David's cheesesteak, we know David's killer bread. I think you should get fucking shot. Just crush crush a bowl of cheesesteak meat
00:34:42
Speaker
ah That's pretty much it. I don't read just crush a bowl of cheesesteak meat. I nearly just fill up on meat No, listen you I know you need bread the bread. is like It's pride month bitch a fill up on me Yeah, no well like seriously if you just do like a bowl of cheesesteak meat, and then the fucking drop some eggs on there. Yeah Just eat a shit ton of protein and then what just don't eat any carbs or anything. You'll be fine. Gosh, I'm hard They say is say you feel satiated and then you see and then your eyeliner will come in and then your bangs will come in next I think I think that's that older. I love when they take that fucking ugly before picture that before pictures I literally saw a picture of like a toilet. They were like in 2015 literally a toilet with a shit in it and then it's like them like ultra jacked like all like done up with their literal like post take a picture like the exact like take the exact same picture of you flexing in the mirror with like 4k or whatever and then take the same picture at the end
00:35:33
Speaker
Yeah, that's why I don't really like before and after pictures, because a lot of them on social media are fake, because usually the after photo, or the before photo is done after the after photo. Yeah, they take a before picture with a fucking leapfrog in the mirror, and then they take like one on like a brand new iPhone. Yeah, yeah had the before picture's literally like them like directly after finding out their mom's dad. Nice. That's like a 7.2. Thanks. That sounded a fake. I feel like a lot of the parts... You know what I just had before I got here, boys? Okay, oh I had a little bit of poke like it's in poking I Had some friggin. Yeah, where'd you learn that from from a book? yeah book i read a gay little love That I put in my gay little bicycle basket of a book called abs yeah, no i had lot I had a lot of poker Okay, I had to fucking pay okay. Yeah poke poke oh
00:36:27
Speaker
No, poke's good. It is pretty good. It's pretty much just like sushi chipotle. It's just a sushi if you want a bowl of it. Yeah. It's good. It's like sushi if like- I had some edamame. If there were some- I had some cashews. Oh, nice. I had a little bit of seaweed salad. Oh. I had some spicy salmon. Nice, nice. I had the regular raw tuna. Nice, nice, nice. Some sesame seeds. Did you have did you have a furikake? And then I had a ton in the mood. I had some meal sauce. Oh, and then I had I had the loaded ball. Oh, it was very rotted. I said rotted up. I said rotted up. I said rotted up. I said rotted up. I said rotted up on me.
00:37:17
Speaker
Okay, okay now she has I have a spicy tuna bowl for Goku Yeah, no I didn't I wish I didn't I should Start doing it. That's so funny. I should start spicy tuna bowl Yeah, I see tuna bowl for the Gina for cell. I feel like there has to be a gou yeah I don't know why, but I'm envisioning some like Latina or like Latino like naming their kid like Goku. Yeah. It's that very like Latinos, Latinos either have the latinos, latinos usually have fucking Latinos usually fucking it all. Yeah. Reckons usually got like a fucking. Yeah. Reckons. Puerto Ricans usually will have like a Joker decal on their Honda Civic or they'll have a Goku one.
00:38:04
Speaker
I've seen Dragon Ball Z Honda Civics. They love the choker and they love Gasoline so much. Gasoline is just dumping out of that fucking thing. Gasoline. Gasoline Fox, actually. It's the best song ever. I like Daddy Yankee and I also like Shawna Paul. I like Shawna Paul. Shawna Paul. Do you like Shawna Paul? Yeah, I like him. Dang it. He is Shawn Paul. Fucking Dauphin. Hey, you like Shawn Paul? Sean Paul. You like Sean Paul? You like fucking Sean Paul. How do you feel about Sean Paul? Yeah. Fucking Tina Fey. Freaking Tina Fey. Yeah. Fucking Tina Fey. Someone could be from anywhere in Delaware County. They act like they were like- They fucking literally blew Tina Fey. Yeah. I heard one time she stopped in at Glen Olden. It's like, probably. Cool. You live in trainer. I don't know why. Yeah. You live in trainer. Those are some towns in Delaware County that I'm like- Thems and thems and towns. Thems is towns. Thems is towns and thens.
00:38:59
Speaker
Dude, have you ever heard of you ever heard of Marcus hook? Yeah, I live right next to Marcus. Look Marcus hook trainer You heard a train even Marcus moved out there. Okay, Marcus left and he took his hook lead He took his whole he left was the hook the pagan showed up My right next to my marble complex is a pagans bar. akins yeah I Literally was late to work one day because of Our boss is like, what do you yeah I literally pulled out of work. Usually I try to beat the school zone, but I didn't realize there was also a pagan zone. Like right before the school zones, there was like pagan zone, school zone. They're letting him into the bar. they said it Yeah, they all pulled out at the same time. I'm like literally behind this barrage of pagans. Like the vice president, his name was like skull meat or something. home me Spider butt or something. spider bit Yeah, there's spider butt. Yeah, spider poop. All right, calm down, spider poop.
00:39:52
Speaker
The Thirsty Bulldog? The Thirsty Bulldog is the bar closest to my, like where I live. I sleep so close to the Thirsty Bulldog. There's a lot of riffraff there at night. Can you tell me the story about the lady that goes the frequency? Oh yeah, there's a lady, there's a lady that lives in the closest building to the Thirsty Bulldog. And she drives over there. yeah Like literally she drives like 20 feet to the bar, gets shitfaced and then swerves 20 feet home. ah And the whole complex calls her fucking speed bump. Cause she drives over one speed bump to get to the bar. I fucking love that name. Imagine everyone in your town calls you speed bump. Say you're a speed bump. There goes speed bump. Bump. Bump bump. Bump bump. I'm there. One speed bump away. So funny. One speed bump away from getting your TV. You went into that bar though. You went into that bar before right with no shirt on.
00:40:45
Speaker
Yeah, we were at the pool, and I thought, like, like my girlfriend's co-worker came back. She had barbecue, and she's like, oh yeah, it's that place up the street. So in my head, I'm like, it's gotta be the thirsty bulldog. On a Sunday afternoon, I know they're doing ribs up there. They have bikers. Where, like, they, I'm gonna call it bikers eat ribs. If I'm looking for ribs, it's either blacks or bikers, and that all I had was bikers. So I went in there, I was literally in a t-shirt, like, no shoes or socks, just bathing suit, literally just, like, bear. I was like, hey, ah do you guys have ribs here? And the guy was like, what the fuck did you just say to me? The fuck? Why'd he get so angry? I don't know, man. That bar is rough. you Yeah, that's all the thirsty bulldogs. It's rough. That's rough in there. Oh, it's rough in there. It's wolf in there. You gotta go in and go. Yeah.
00:41:37
Speaker
It's a cool place. Maybe he got mad because he didn't have ribs and he wanted ribs. Fuck did you just say to me? Fuck did you just say to me? John walked in there and he's like sun-kissed. He's like sun-kissed with his little feet out. Where are the ribs? I had like white sunscreen on my nose. I'm like, you got ribs in here? They're like ribs. Oh, you mean the bartender? Yeah, ribs. Yeah, ribs. It's a woman. Yeah, it's a frog woman. She goes, what's up, dude? She comes up in ribbits. I'm a bullfrog. Bullfrog lady. Bullfrog lady, because I have ribbits. That ain't ribs. That ain't ribs. That's bullfrog. Yeah, ribs. Yeah, ribs. A fucking literal fucking rot while her comes out. It's a rot while with hoop earrings comes out. That's ribs. He's like, can I show you to your seat or no?
00:42:22
Speaker
It is a it is a culture shot of Rottweiler with acrylics and hoops on. So funny. If I had a Rottweiler, I'd do the same shit. Oh, yeah. Like Auntie Dog? Auntie? This dog's my aunt. Are we the only people that say aunt? Fucking aunt. Do other people say aunt? Auntie? I heard somewhere a couple of white people say aunt and I'm like, aunt who onto you didnt know they were born fuck you and
00:42:53
Speaker
is e we yeah We have such a crude way of talking it's like we do but it's not nearly as bad as a southern accent No, I see the southern doesn't bother me what fucking boss southern people have like southern people have that like Theo Vaughn kind of thing where they're like They like they make like like similes Yeah, and they talk a lot like that. Like, you gonna do something today? You gonna sit it around like a bump on a dog's dick on a Sunday afternoon? Yeah, they're always, yeah, they're very metaphorical. They're like, yeah, that hurt like a muck, that hurt like a saw going in my butthole. I like muck, muck, moo, moo, moo, moo. Yeah, you're fatter than a lizard on fucking, it's like, why you're fatter than a lizard on a hot dog night. Yeah, you're fatter than a tick on a dog neck, you know what I mean?
00:43:33
Speaker
You're fatter to tickle a dog neck, and you're lazier than a bump on a dog's neck. Done loadin'. Yeah, I always, I always am imagine, the Southern accent to me always, I always think of slaves. I get annoyed by Boston. I always associate that. Boston's crazy. Is that why I'm turned on by the Southern Belle accent? Yeah, TJ's like, I like a fucking, I won't like, yeah. TJ hears a Southern chick talking, he's like, what's up Southern Belle? TJ's like trying to get like fucking married. So he can be a citizen. Yeah, TJ's trying to get like fucking like blindsided. Yeah, but it's like for like Yu-Gi-Oh! Prime side? Yeah, Prime side. Prime side?
00:44:12
Speaker
and so ryans eye Yeah. Oh, that'll be like like a good parody movie if I go down there and start doing like Texas barbecue. Try to like... Prime side? Prime side? Prime side? Would you go down south? I would go down and tell us to just learn party. To live? I would party down there. You'd go to Nashville? To live? Would you go to Nashville and take that big selfie that every line girl that we would school at does? Nationals. Oh, they all go to Nationals? Nationals, so. No, I'm saying, would you go to Nashville like every other girl that's in high school with? No, Nashville. Yeah, we're girls. I've been. They go to Nashville and they're like,
00:44:47
Speaker
i've been in asville twice isn't that where the the giant like ah that fish giant country singer jelly rolls from yes no like that giant pyramid for bass pro shop that na probably and want check out there
00:45:04
Speaker
I've Say, would you go to Nashville and get a cowboy hat and like get the Instagram picture? Oh, I would do the whole nine yards. If we should go to Nashville, we should act like white women for a week. We're fucking pink cowboy boots. I would do a hoedown. Yeah, we would hit a hoedown in Nashville. A hoedown? A hoedown? A hoedown? Oh, no, they're mine. It's meant to be us. A hoedady? I would like to go to Tejas. The pyramid's in Memphis. It's like this. It's like a giant- Holy shit. It's an actual goddamn pyramid. Holy shit.
00:45:37
Speaker
The Egyptians are scared. Mass broshops in Memphis, you know they sell nooses. It's so funny, people in... You know they sell fucking nooses. The people in Memphis think that's Mecca. Big crosses? and That's Mecca in fucking Memphis, dude. What the hell were you smoking? Can you do jangas? It just smells like jangas. What is that? It's kajangas. What is kajangas, man? What's kajangas? Are you hooked on kajangas now? I started doing kajangas. Is that the clean one? Yeah, that's the clean one. What the fuck is that? That smells like fucking oven cleaner. Mm-hmm. Might be the oil from like... It smells like that shit we used to clean the ovens with in Starbucks.
00:46:13
Speaker
now this that was just i took it That was like ointment you would like spray ointment on the oven and then like turn it up and let it burn the shit out of it. Scrape it with a nametag. Get the nametag for scraping. There's not like a thing. We don't have like a thing. Use a nametag. Really? Yup. Use a nametag. Use your nametag. Are you doing, off I love, I love, are you doing ovens? I'm like I'm doing ovens. I'm literally scratching grease on the other one. do another. We make that sit it up weirdo through the ovens. I'm like yeah retard ovens retard ovens now. She knows what's good for you. And we have to tell her you're talking about. Yeah.
00:46:54
Speaker
la ah Put your fucking hat on or don't wear one. Anyway, I'm freaking out. um' i boom I get boomerie when I think about those people. I hate that I get so boomerie about shit. I hate how boomerie I get that. Boomerie is so funny when you're just being an insufferable asshole. It's like we're both being- I hate being that cynical, but I am cynical. It's so funny that we just describe being a prick as being boomerie. Because that's what they are. Yeah. That's what they are. Dude, I got truck drivers. I deal with truck drivers all day. They're all boomers, and they're like, literally, like they're just racist. like They're just racist. They'll be like, uh... You know, I was over at the building down there, Shakira, Chicago. I don't know. We make fucking names up now. I don't even know. And I'm like, how are you who is this audio? Literally like 40 years old. What's your audience? Like, what is your audience? It's another, it's just a, I'm literally telling you it's McDonald's at like four am. If I see you do with that with the hat, I know it's about to be on. A bunch of free coffees in the morning. They're a bunch of freeloaders and they go in and they shit a storm up in McDonald's.
00:47:57
Speaker
Oh my god, boomers piss me off, but then every once in a while, like you're talking to the temple fucking people, and I'm like, I'm starting to feel like one of them. I'm like, yeah, they're worried that sweater does make me mad. Yeah! Sweater looks like shit! That fucking blue hair does piss me off. Can't you just fucking like have a cold beard? Why does blue hair make me mad? blue Because it is triggering. It's fucking amazing is anybody who has blue hair. That's not Jeff already pisses me off I think it also might be kind of like an animal instincts like that's not like it's danger. and I mean like you know how why do I feel threatened by it? i say it I'm a friend by I want to fucking act like I want to fucking yell away by it. Yeah, I'm like wait by it um my It's just say it's just weird
00:48:33
Speaker
Like, take that fuck. I just know what you believe in if you have blue hair. I don't know. If you have blue hair... Maybe I'm just maybe i'm just a maybe i'm just an asshole. I read people. I think we were just... I literally just think we have suburban asshole dads. That's all it is. You have a dad who forms an opinion, and you have a dad that has to pack the car up full of kids. You have a dad that doesn't, like, politically, like, follow anything specifically. He just tries to work and go home. Yeah, he just has no time for bullshit. Everything pisses them off. That's all it is. ah You try living in the nice suburbs. I don't wanna. Oh, I love the suburbs. No, I do. I do. I love the suburbs. If I could afford to live it in this town my whole life, I would. Yeah. I wish I could like live afford to live here right now.
00:49:14
Speaker
Why are your suburbs so expensive? Because it's nice because there's not a fucking junky outside of your door fucking trying to tie your shoes backwards. Yeah, actually yeah that makes sense. Not a fucking junky puking in the mailbox the next to your fucking kid. That's what it is. It's not like you don't have to like... There's no like squeezing your kid's hand tighter because there's a guy literally breakdancing on a mailbox in front of your fucking house. like and but I feel like you just cut through neighborhoods, and then the neighborhoods that are really nice and really are expensive as fuck. You have to have roommates. That's true. The nice neighborhoods are like you know where there's just like restaurants and parks and and cool shit like that and tourist stuff. They're expensive. but I don't think it's that bad like for a kid to see something like that in the city stuff like no at a young age. No. It's not, but it's like more like one of those things where it's like your kid wants to go play outside in the suburbs. You don't have to worry about him getting started. A parent will see him. I mean, down there it's like,
00:50:06
Speaker
On top of that, it's just it's it's all these neighborhoods that are like different types of neighborhoods. You know what I mean? Like there's like college kids in one neighborhood, there's like fucking drug dealers in one neighborhood, then there's old people in one neighborhood. It's like a lot of just clashing. Like the burbs, like I feel like you got like a yard. Yeah. You know what I mean? Get a yard. Someone comes into your yard. Shoot him. Fuck shoot him right in the head. You fucking kill him. Your kid wants a trampoline. Door dash. I don't door dash. I don't door dash. I'm not having fucking Gandhi knocking on my door. I'm trying to get my daughter, trying to finger my daughter when he's going to the french fries. Did you see that old white dude shoot that black lady? No. Door dasher. It was so sad. She was like, do you have a video? What was she wearing?
00:50:51
Speaker
She's wearing I hate white guys where i hate old white guys yeah yeah Well, that's the story they don't tell you this is just wearing a fucking I hate white guys at this address That's another funny thing that like like a boomer will just it doesn't matter what side it is well Here's what they don't want to tell you. This is here's the thing. Does she roll up with a katana? Did she roll up with a ninja star? Like I heard? like i last iron That's all I heard. They say they heard something and then they didn't at all. They didn't shoot her for being black. They shot her because she had a guitar. Oh my god, she's old. Yeah, dude. She's like no threat at all. Oh, come on. And then he's like, what are you doing on my fucking property? And like- Oh my god. Yeah, dude. Is he gonna shoot her? Did he kill her? Yeah. He killed her? Yeah.
00:51:31
Speaker
it's kind of it's When did this happen? Oh, April. ah March 25th. Yeah, March 25th. Was he, like, out of his mind? I don't know. I don't know the full story. I just know that it happened, and I was, like, so sad for that lady. I thought you were going to say, I feel so bad for that old guy. Jesus. I mean, I don't know what's going on. I look there letting him out. What the fuck is happening? He just walked her out to those curbs. He's like, we're going to go here and boom. Yeah. Can you put the audio up? Can we hear it or no? I'm kind of scared that it's going to like fuck up something. It won't come through the thing, right? I don't think so. Oh, yeah.
00:52:13
Speaker
Horrifying moments of an Ohio woman who was an Uber driver screaming for help. Someone else ordered the Uber to that apartment. Police say 81-year-old William Brock received a scam call concerning a relative in prison. That call turned to threats and a demand for money. Officials say the woman, 61-year-old Lolita Hall, was contacted by either the same scammer or an accomplice to pick up a package from Brock's home through the Uber app.
00:52:44
Speaker
i on the phone center here. So the mail on the phone was trying to get money from you and she was knocking on the door at the same time. Yeah, and he was telling me he was going to kill me and the family and everybody else around. Police say Hall made no threats toward Brock before the shooting. They say he also took her cell phone and refused to let her leave. Brock is charged with felony murder.
00:53:17
Speaker
boomber says man account with the old dude in the charter old black way you shouldn't fucking do anything and I mean I feel like it's more like the scam scammer le it's the scale way that's the chicken in the egg But I'm saying the old guy pie shouldn't have shot her and well the Yeah, the old guy was probably getting harassed by they they had his phone number, so they were harassing him Yeah, it was that was a whole fucking horrible situation. I feel terrible now. I don't I don't I hate my life I hate I hate that I just saw that I I mean, I don't hate that I saw that. It makes me... I hate that I saw that. I'm tired of seeing this shit. People do it every day, though. I know, but I can't get away from it. Do you remember that shooting? I poisoned my algorithm. Do you remember that shooting that happened when we first started doing comedy in 2020? There was the couple arguing with the crazy neighbor. Yes. It's snow. I can't even think about that right now. And the guy came back out and he shot them all, and then he said to the woman, and you should have kept your fucking mouth shut. It just executes her. True. And then their autistic son comes outside, and he's like, is everything okay?
00:54:16
Speaker
Yu-Gi-Oh! Pokemon! I'm just kidding! He was like... now you I felt bad. like Your parents both got murdered. yeah That guy got went to jail, right? though but Did he kill himself? Shot himself. like He went to hell, he went to- He was like, i just god I'll just go to hell, it's fine. not You have to rape me first, I'll just do it now. Jesus, that fucking sucks. I don't understand why people have to like, go like- Shoot the fuck out of each other? Yeah, just talk it out, or like, de-escalate the situation. I've seen shit like in Texas as like a standard ground state. So like, all you have to say is that you're being threatened, or you feel threatened, you're allowed to just kill somebody.
00:54:50
Speaker
Yeah, that's why get rid of guns and just go back to like duels or something You know, I mean if you're going to shoot like make it like an agreement Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know enough about Crime statistics and shit to be like no gun support guns. I'll never kill anyone I'll never kill anyone but I also think that we take guns away from people that responsibly on them and the people who aren't supposed to own them. We're still just going to have guns. They're just going to have guns. I i wrote down. We'll never get rid of guns. It's kind of crazy that you can like take over a government or a country just with guns or like manpower. yeah they're still in this stage The reason why we have it is in case the government decides to take a colossal shit on everyone, everyone has like kind of the right to protect themselves. We're the right to go into the mall and shoot everybody because they're having a bad day. You also have that right.
00:55:30
Speaker
I don't think you have that right. I'm just kidding. You don't have a right to shoot anyone. I think you don't have the right to own a gun. I just think it is kind of, it is fucked up, but it is kind of funny, that old guy who's kind of looking at her like, we're going to go down here like, let's go. Yeah. I think you should be able to have a gun. You should be able to. I was considering a gang one. You should be allowed to protect yourself from the bad guys. I'm, I just won't have one. Like me. you personally I personally don't want to live in an area where I think I'd need one. I live in the city 100% I'm having a gun. i don't um our neighbors When I was growing up our neighbors had a fucking home invasion and they tied everyone up. Jesus Christ. They tied everybody up and they shot the oldest one. Jesus Christ. He got shot in the arm. He survived. But he was like fucking like 15 or 16. There's like five or six kids in the house.
00:56:16
Speaker
He zip tied everybody. They robbed the house and then the oldest brother tried to get in front of the mom because they were in the mom's face like beating her up and shit. You got in front of the mom and they shot him. Jesus Christ. So like yeah, they didn't have a gun. They were kind of just at the mercy of people to have the gun. Damn. This is a comedy podcast. Yeah. This is comedy everyone. yeah yeah Yeah Yeah, man guns freak me out It's like I would immediately use it on myself like I'm the second so at the store just one bad day at the store No, I'd buy it I'd get my receipt and use it if you were gonna kill yourself Would you do it publicly or would you go like in a hole and do it? Actually, I'd probably do it the second I bought the gun You're seeing Bud Dwyer kill himself
00:57:03
Speaker
No. Who's that? Budwire killing himself on YouTube? Nah, we're not watching that right now. Yeah, you should watch it. We're not watching that right now. Why? Because I literally don't want to watch that because I just got done saying I'm tired of watching this shit. Budwire pulls it good. I like how he's just... It's my favorite video. I just can't watch it right now. Is that the news reporter? No, he was a politician that was guilty his mother could jail. What is it, Budwire? but wire Him and also my dad showed me this when I was like six. I keep seeing that. ah That thing, especially on Father's Day, the guy who killed his daughter's murderer at the phone booth. You ever see that? Yeah. He like hangs the phone up and turns on. That's a crazy video. And that shot, he gets off his nuts banging hero. I think he also did like six months. I don't know if I want to watch this. It's on YouTube. All right. It's a little YouTube video. It's on YouTube kids.
00:57:54
Speaker
youtube gives i putting it on youtube can you put on youtube kids it he's getting dig it down I saw it as a kid so everyone else should see it. That's what my dad's logic was. My dad was like, I saw all this fucked up shit as a kid you're going to as well. Your dad was a fucking scumbag. My dad's a creep. My dad's an absolute creep. That's freaky. He heads crazy. They haven't found this podcast yet, have they? Oh, they definitely know about it. Do you think they've commented or tapped in? If they can't do it, they know better than the comment, dude. I have so it's just a hook line and sinker. They have nothing to say. Yeah. Look, be a lady tonight.
00:58:32
Speaker
This is a comedy pod game. is a comedy pod game. This is a dark episode. I don't think I said it. I don't think I said a goddamn thing I truly believe on this thing. I don't ever say anything I truly believe on here. now Well, that's the magic of comedy. We're just trying to make sure you fuckers have a pulse out there. Giving you something to nudge on. If you ah were going to listen to this and be like, I actually feel dumber that I heard this. No, they're not. I'm going to kill myself. No, they're not. This is an insightful look into the lives of three different people. I'm just hoping that this is the podcast they listen to to get their laundry done.
Podcast Feedback & Dreamer Discussion
00:59:07
Speaker
That's all I want. TJ's a dreamer, man. Yeah, that's my dream. I hope they ... TJ took being a dreamer and, like, literal ... I hope we stop the next Nicholas Cruz.
00:59:18
Speaker
Stop the next Nicholas Cruz. Yeah. I hope he's like, you know what? There is some joy in the world. I'm there. I get nervous because my other podcast people comment. They're like, you guys put the episode up a day late. I was fucking freaking out. Well, the one guy hit me up, the one guy hit me up. but He was like, he was like, are you guys going to fucking post it? My girlfriend's like ripping shit off the wall. Well, I'm like, yo. Whoa. I mean, I like that. It's like hot. That's gotta be flattering. i like It is flattering, but I'm like, also chill. Also like chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. Chill, chill, chill, but also like don't chill.
Movie Critiques & Hollywood Trends
00:59:48
Speaker
I tell you, boys, I went and saw In a Violent Nature. No, you did not tell me this. Horrible movie. Oh, it sucked. I couldn't hate it more. Damn. I got my money back.
00:59:57
Speaker
Damn, really? You got your money back? Holy shit. That's one of the hardest places to get your money back from. Regal? Yeah. They literally, when we walked up to the window, the guy was like, in a violent nature. And I was like, mm-hmm. My god. 60 bucks. Really? For how many tickets? So my brother my brother and his wife got dinner. I was like, I'll get the movie tickets, whatever. It came out to be the same price. And then I got the tickets, and then I got my money back. Okay, I thought ah three or three people that movie was for four people four but okay think of me was horrible Horrible tell me everything it's supposed to be like this like shot like first person like you follow the killer You don't follow the victims kind of thing. Yeah, he is cool as shit. You're like whoa But I Karen like I'm telling you there's a an hour and 15 minutes of walking and
01:00:45
Speaker
That was it like you ever see like a horror movie where they like like the girl runs back up into the cabin and when she goes back up there like one of their her dead boyfriends like dead and like posed and it's like the killer's been here and he did this whole thing you like watch him set that up like it's not really that cool actually you just dragged a body here like he would kill somebody drag their body a mile to this cabin and put it in the cabin and then you would follow him step for step back there half mile Oh, so they didn't even like it was horrible and then they had this weird lesbian like character arc with these two yes, and they were like Like when are you gonna realize that you play for the pink team like that kind of thing and the girls like listen you swim around in the lake and I'm gonna go up here and do yoga and Then the guy like gets in the water and you don't even get a kill
01:01:33
Speaker
You just hear her scream. That's the scene. And then he goes up, he does kill the other fucking lesbian. He makes her fucking like regret ever being alive. He took a meat hook and he puts the meat hook through her stomach. Punches it through. And he puts the meat hook up this way and he hooks her forehead with it. Her top of her head. And then he pulls the chain and pulls her head through her stomach. okay And then kicks her down a hill. That's like the only cool kill in that entire movie, but the rest of the movie is literally him walking around. When I say walking around, like i mean like it was like there was like a 20 minute scene of him just walking. And nothing else? Nothing else. He's just dead? He put his hatchet down to kill the sluts with a hook. like with the hook ah And then they filmed the 15 minute scene of him walking back to pick the axe up.
01:02:20
Speaker
I feel like there another 15 minutes of him walking out it was like I was like this is like a fucking like you know there's like a joke I was like he's just walking I mean there's nothing wrong with like setting up for stuff to like build tension but I feel like if you're gonna the entire movie was tension and nothing happened everyone left and was like like upset I was like this is fucking horrible I feel like if you're gonna do a movie like that I feel like it has to be kind of like have you watched the hardcore Henry No, is it the first person? like Yeah, he has like a camera in his eye and then you see everything. But is it edited well, so it's like yeah not really forward? Yeah, it just flows. It's like Blockbuster. Action packed all like throughout the game. This entire movie was literally him just walking. That's so gay. I'm so glad that i the trailer was the whole movie. That's awesome.
01:03:02
Speaker
The trailer was better than the movie. It's like 2012. Remember the trailer for 2012? Oh, it's the greatest movie in the fucking month. The monk is fucking banging that fucking bell. And then the Mount Everest, there's a tidal wave coming over Mount Everest. That's a trailer. The movie was shit. It was hilarious. The trailer was like the trailer never even mentioned John Cusack being like the focal point of that movie. Yeah. In a fucking airplane. Like get out of here. Yeah, I was bombed. There's nothing in movie. There's nothing in theaters right now. It's the writers go when on strike and everything kind of like slowed. There's like nothing coming. There's nothing happening. Yeah, I think coming out right now is that book that that movie that's based off the Colleen Hoover book.
01:03:42
Speaker
We have a couple of ideas. It ends with us. It ends with us. What? What? I feel like- Sorry, there's all sleep on my charcuterie. Yeah. On my charcuterie. On my charcuterie board. On my cartoochie board. All right, you want to pop over to the page? Yeah, let's pop over. All right, let's pop over to the page. Peace out, y'all.