Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
EP 7: Four Dead Bodies
135 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Iced Tea Powder Marinated Turkey, The Before & After of Jim's Scrapple Grump, and The Inevitable Drama caused by Smelly Shoes.
Buy us our next bowl of MUSH: https://www.patreon.com/CloseToHellPod
Watch us here: https://www.youtube.com/@closetohellpod
Follow us @closetohellpod on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, & Twitch
Recommended
Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
Yeah.
Introduction and Co-hosts
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome back to Close the Hell podcast. This is Jen Gillespie. To my immediate right is Jon Proffitt across from me. It's CJ Lee as always.
Creative Swearing and Boss Stories
00:00:10
Speaker
First of all, we're talking about, we're talking about people fucking swearing when, and they don't open their mouth through their teeth. Through the teeth. Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Piece of shit! Fuck! Fuckin' piece of shit! Fuckin' piece of shit!
00:00:39
Speaker
Oh man, I do all the time. Yeah, I feel like it happens a lot when you have like a shitty boss
00:00:44
Speaker
Oh my god. Yeah, cuz like you you want to say shit, but you can't yeah, they walk off of them They say something nasty to you Fucking like that lady when you got that manager job. I fucking hated there. I fucking hated her so bad a bed boss Yeah, she was she was so like micromanaging and then when she was micromanaging she was like no you're not doing that right Yeah, I'm like then what just do it
00:01:19
Speaker
I don't know how they do it where you're from, but we don't do it like that. Thank you like wow. It's so authentic
00:01:27
Speaker
You know it's bad to like like like a fucking face rub like a hard face rub I do see a guy just mush their face up I Think I do that a lot because of a South Park, you know like how Stan like rubs his eyes
00:01:45
Speaker
And they pinch when they pinch the like the insides of their eye like yeah, I knew a kid I knew a kid whose dad had like the worst anger problems, and he would fucking he would fucking slap his forehead He would rub the top his head real hard, and he's bald up there too, and I used to think that's what caused it
00:02:08
Speaker
I've been so good. I've punched myself in the head Fucking Neanderthals you're getting mad like that is like the most retarded shit ever. I would never do that ever again.
Humorous Mishaps and Violent Comedy
00:02:21
Speaker
It was my first day, my first day, my first shift at Starbucks ever was an opening shift. It was 4.30 in the morning. And I woke up, I woke up and it was bright and sunny out. And in my head I was like, is this fucking two o'clock in the afternoon? Am I like 59 hours late? I literally got up, I was like, this is how it happens, this only happens to me. And then I punched myself in the head four times and like, baby girl was like,
00:02:32
Speaker
Yeah
00:02:49
Speaker
That was disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. I saw that, but I was like, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. My guy literally was so mad. Socked himself in the head four times. Yeah. It's so bad you're trying to fight yourself. Yeah, yeah, right. And you win? Yeah, you win. You win a fight against yourself? Knock yourself out. I whooped my ass. I whooped my fucking ass. I need my ass kicked. I need my fucking ass kicked. My dad trying to set up a generator in the freezing cold outside that wouldn't work.
00:03:20
Speaker
I need my fucking ass kicked. I need somebody to beat me within an inch of my life. You're like, you know what? You know what? You know what? I hope a fucking school bus full of Catholic schoolgirls flips. That's fucking insane. Yeah. I need my fucking ass kicked. I need my fucking ass kicked as a scream for help. Oh my God. My dad will never go to therapy.
00:03:47
Speaker
Dude ultimate fucking red hat fucking scream.
Childhood and Family Chaos
00:03:51
Speaker
Oh, that's the therapy. It's an ass. Yeah, I breathe I get mad. I start fucking I just breathe yeah, I'll take a couple deep breaths cuz I get why get worked up really fast That's a good way to really stress. Yeah, cuz when you freak out you're so fucking bitch, dude. Yeah, you look like a little bitch I
00:04:12
Speaker
You do look like Caillou. Yeah, you freak out. All red. Were you a temper tantrum kid when you were younger though? No, never. Oh my god. Oh my god. I got that shit beat out of me like early. Oh my god. I would fucking scream when I was little. Yeah. I would scream. Screamer? They used to accuse me of doing like a... They used to accuse me of doing like a... Like a sad thing. I'd be like super quiet and like they'd be like...
00:04:43
Speaker
I'm like nothing they're like They wanted a reaction that yeah, yeah, they wanted me to throw a tantrum The way I wasn't strong. I wasn't I would freak out. I put you want something That's how I wish it was but they would fight with they didn't smack they didn't spank me these fists like I Would have that like
00:05:06
Speaker
I mean, I hope I hope I'm not as angry as my dad was when I was little. I'm never saying like deflect the flashlight. I could be dead flashlight. The flashlight situation is definitely like a fool. I get I could be dead broken. Hold still. Hold still holding. Are you going to fucking hold the thing? Are you going to fucking hold it? I don't know. Are you going to buy fucking groceries? I don't know. You're my superhero best friend. Don't yell at me like that. I'll fucking scream.
00:05:29
Speaker
Yeah. I'll fucking scream. Yeah. Why are you yelling at me like that? I'm a kid. I'm a kid. Yeah. I'm like a kid. I'm like a kid. I know that. I know I'm a kid. I know I'm a kid and that fucking nuts. I heard someone yell at you yelling at me that I'm a kid. So now I get to say that I'm all that happened to you. Oh yeah. He's a kid. He's just a kid.
00:05:48
Speaker
Yeah, like 22. That's like 16. Yeah. I'm a fucking kid too. Fucking bad companies playing. I'm getting beat. He's got a bowl in his hand. Listen, having to listen to the worst part of my childhood wasn't being homeless or fucking having drug addict parents or having 9,000 cats. It was that we had to listen to fucking Van Halen in bad company every day. It's not fun. It's not fun. Hair metal can literally lick my pussy. Hair metal is the fucking worst.
00:06:16
Speaker
Hair model is so fucking gay. It is I fucking hate it and I hate everyone like Sandra Bullock every every guy that likes hair metal can actually eat my pussy and die What's it called Metro sexual when you're like? Rock stars when you're David David Lee Roth. Yeah, it's Metro sexual mean is that what it means? I thought that you had I thought the Metro sexual is what you had sex on the train. I thought you had Metro PCS No, that's just India
00:06:42
Speaker
What are they like rock stars like rock and rollers with like the long hair back in the day? They're metrosexual like with the makeup and stuff. Yeah, that's that's androgyny Okay, so they said no those are amphibians They said like yeah the like boy like boy George and and fucking David Bowie and fucking okay, they're yeah back then it was androgyny because they didn't want to say that they kiss boys because I don't want to say that I don't love the music
00:07:11
Speaker
Nah, he ain't gay, he's just amphibious. It's a little strange. He's got a blowhole or something. Yeah, he's just a mammal. He uses both hands to beat guys off.
00:07:22
Speaker
No, he's just ambidextrous. Yeah, he's just racially ambiguous and amphibious. No, it means he's got an extra finger or something. Yeah, something shit like that. Everybody acts like that when they got an extra finger. Put him in a terrarium. I don't care. It's so funny. I remember in first grade, everybody got a hissing beetle.
00:07:44
Speaker
You're like I got these at home. I was like all right. Well listen. I'm gonna bring that hissing beetle He's gonna run a handicap match against my fucking water bugs. Yeah, I got two water bugs literally two water bugs the do rags only The crib yeah, I actually owe a couple I actually owe a couple water bugs some cigarettes, so I'm actually gonna have this guy take the fall Definitely in a cigarette definitely in a Newport tab instead of the bugs life you have the thugs life yeah
00:08:13
Speaker
Have you ever been in a situation me me and Ike Bowl we're talking about this like bull When you're in a situation where your dad falls and gets hurt and you're fucking useless You're like six. You're just watching your dad in pain Grandpa one time dude
00:08:30
Speaker
My grandpa one time, I was in preschool. He was walking me to preschool. I was holding his hand. And there was like a step up into the classroom that was literally maybe this big. It was like a tiny step up. And he hit that fucking thing. And he went down on his face. He got a fat lip from a concrete floor. What, you think he was wasted? No, no, no. But he was like 60. And it was like, damn. I didn't know what to do. So I was just kind of just like, uh-oh.
00:09:00
Speaker
Yeah, you just have to watch yeah, you just have to wait like yeah, you literally just have to watch I can't like do I can't pick them up my dad when I was little my dad used to take me on bike rides it used to go like the John Hines preserve in Tinnacom there's like a wood trail and He like brought me on this trail that was like
00:09:16
Speaker
Literally like this trail was as thin as the tire of the bike and on either side was just a hill with like water running on it like a river and he was riding ahead of me and I'm on like a fucking I'm on like a girl's bike like a little girl's bike and my dad goes over one of the routes and trips Falls like tips off on the side and my dad's laying in a bed of thorns over a raging river. Oh, no Thorns were like piled up and he's just in this basket of thorns and my dad's like yeah
00:09:51
Speaker
Just I stood there like baby Keanu just fucking like I can't help you
00:09:56
Speaker
one time I thought it's gonna be like I'm gonna have to like find the cops and be like yeah my dad's dead like do you know like you know my mom is yo one time she goes my mom try calling that just look up mom you look up google mom just google mom by my mom's number getting lost in the fucking store like that's also hilarious
00:10:17
Speaker
my fucking one time my dad dragged me and my brother and my mom up to like his co-workers house for like a barbecue. Yeah. And like all the really the real reason they were friends because they fucking like they took pills together. So like he dragged us all the way up there to like go to like a fucking pill hangout nice and fucking so he him and his buddy are like.
00:10:37
Speaker
taking pills and fucking getting hammered. My dad fucking finishes a case of fucking highlives and he skit like his buddy and him drag this fucking go cart out of his shed. And my dad gets in the fucking go cart and he's like going around the yard a couple of times. He had this like big property in like Lancaster.
00:10:56
Speaker
And he was like, he went around the yard a couple of times and he like lost control of it. And he drove directly into their above ground pool, right on the fucking side of it, just sliced it open and just fucking ruined the whole day for everyone. Just, we had no money to replace the pool either. So it got weird. It was the weirdest day of my life. I remember because like we ran outside to watch him do the go-kart. But before that, the dude's wife was showing me and my brother a bunch of like commemorative police batons.
00:11:27
Speaker
My brother was like I don't fucking care about this
00:11:33
Speaker
That's the idea of the idea of your junky dad being like, no, we'll fix it a little bit or not. I never saw a pool technician, let alone not a dad. The only time I ever saw that dude again was he was at my house and he had like a case of those like big cans of fosters and they got hammered and he rubbed ice teammates all over a turkey in our oven, dude. You gotta do this. You gotta try like this. It's like, it's like I call it a Snapple bird.
00:12:03
Speaker
Snapple peacock yeah, that's fucking insane I see mix on the fucking chicken is like the craziest thing ever I used to play with these I used to play with these like bad kids You know they're not gonna say the name bad fucking fat Irish kids
00:12:19
Speaker
In their house they never bought iced tea or anything like my family always drank teacool or like there You drank sugar like a teacool or like shower. Y'all had sugar. We had sugar Every day my mom would literally send me out of the house with a fucking full jug of teacool to go play at the park She's like you look like a little construction worker with your job
00:12:41
Speaker
I'm like, yeah, I'm like, what was that? And you're yay and your butt cracked. I'm like, yeah, I'm like, did you draw a butt crack on this? They would fucking, this family would crush a gallon of whole milk and then rinse it once and then throw the Lipton iced tea mix in there with the hot tap water and shake it up. It was like dark purple, dude. It was like dark purple iced tea. He would take a sip and then chew on the powder and then fucking just beat each other up.
00:13:32
Speaker
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah Hahahahahahahahah Hahahahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah Hahah H
00:13:34
Speaker
You have any money? What are you doing talking to me? What are you talking about? Good job. You need to talk to a fucking... Talk to a job. You talk to Mr. Job. Yeah, call Dr. Job. Dude, that whole era of people, they didn't talk to kids at all. They didn't fucking know.
00:13:49
Speaker
No, that's why Razor Scooters existed. America Online is the destruction of the fucking nuclear family. And the Boomers were on the forefront of that. Here comes Big Tech about the fucking... I was gonna say, how much conversation can you really have with a kid, though? Because I see my nieces and nephews. See, that's the thing. My parents always... They spoke to me like an adult my whole life. That's why I'm so fucking well spooky now. My mom would explain things to me and talk to me like an adult, but my dad was like, I'd be like, what's this? He's like, yeah, what's this? I'm like...
00:14:17
Speaker
Alright. There was a lot of, I guess there was a lot of mystery. It definitely made me a little more curious about stuff, because they wouldn't explain every single thing that happened to me. Yeah, because I feel like if I have a kid, I want to be as transparent as possible, so if I die early, they won't be an idiot about stuff.
00:14:35
Speaker
Did you just planning on dying early? Yeah, that's what it was. Everyone was just like, look, when you go to McDonald's... Yeah, if you go to McDonald's like I do, you gotta start riding your will. Listen, it's a racket. There's a McDouble and there's a Double Cheeseburger. The Double Cheeseburger just means it's two pieces of cheese. It's $2 extra. Just get the McDouble. It makes no sense. $1.78. It makes no sense. By then, it'll probably be like $12.85.
00:14:55
Speaker
Honestly, I'm going to start making burgers at home now, because McDonald's is being too expensive, and it's pissing me off. It's supposed to be, yeah, it's supposed to be poor food. I remember a McGang man was $3.00. Yeah. Yeah, it was supposed to get you over the hump. They were supposed to straighten me out. I would get a McGang man just to straighten me out. It works like Narcan to fat guys. I got to get denied for a loan just to get a fucking cheeseburger. It's crazy.
00:15:18
Speaker
Yeah, I gotta get a big chicken on Clarno Clarno I put a 20 piece on Clarno Hold on let me try this 20 piece on Clarno Clarno is the only website you can get double cheeseburgers and earrings with
00:15:38
Speaker
Same cart. Same cart. Add earrings. Add earrings for $4.95. Would you like to add a cheeseburger to your cart? I'm like, well, yeah, it's Coles. That was the best though. When I was a kid, I always gravitated. I'd always find that bad family and hang out with them. You always found the bad family? Yeah, but this bad family had a pool.
00:15:59
Speaker
You did have a couple bad families that you fucking rolled around. I just remember there's two Irish families that I thought of.
00:16:10
Speaker
There's one with twins and one without. The one without. Okay. Yeah. All right. I was a soda kid, so I was bad. And you had piss. They were like- You have the funniest story about them with the piss. Oh my God. I was such a bad, bad wetter. Oh no. I was such a bad man. He did it so bad. People used to give me money. Not money, they gave me medicine.
00:16:34
Speaker
They can't be money. They can't be money. Please. Please, we'll do anything. In 2024, you could make money pissing people's beds. I would love to piss people's beds now. It's funny. You don't waste it. I'd rather do it now. Yeah. I wasted all this piss. But I was one of those kids at the sleepover like, hey, like the parents would tell like he can't have anything to drink after like noon. After like at all, just effort. He actually just don't give him anything to drink. I don't care how much he begs. Because I'd be like laying there. Everyone's like drinking soda.
00:17:07
Speaker
Everyone's like making like they'd make it the most delicious sounding birch beer of all time That case the most delicious fucking like fluoride flavored dark purple iced tea and a milk jug Put that on put some slip that on have a bamboo fight
00:17:23
Speaker
I wish I was drinking Lipton iced tea and having a bamboo shirt That just transitions into like Bud Light Platinum's
00:17:41
Speaker
Outback fucking play with hitchhiker. That's why I that's why I drink until I can't feel my face like on weekend I'm just trying to get that fucking to try to get that bamboo fight. That's what we're all trying to get back into I think me and Jim were talking about earlier saying that like Rich dudes are just trying to get rich just to get back to doing things that they want to do as they want to have enough money So I could do be a kid this shit.
Critiquing 'Wage Slave' and A24 Movie Talk
00:18:02
Speaker
They already like doing yeah be a kid again You're not like a wage slave to anything
00:18:05
Speaker
I love wage slave. It's the funny. I that term makes me laugh So like fat white girls get to call themselves slaves Fat white girls calling themselves wage slaves is the funniest my favorite thing ever I'm not like here's the thing like I'm not gonna like what I'm not gonna be a way to just answer a phone You know, he's just answer a phone all day. Yeah, hold on. I mean write your name down You're having sex with three of the people you work with what are you talking about?
00:18:32
Speaker
Wade's like slaves didn't like some slaves didn't I mean they definitely fucked the boss Fuck them the boss rape them you're not even like blueberries and twigs on a plate Fucking sunburn picking cotton. Yeah, I mean yeah you work for a dentist You restock lollipops every fucking four days, and you answer the phone one of the things in your job description is restocking lollipops You're not a slave. You're not a slave at all
00:19:01
Speaker
Slaves didn't have hand sanitizer next to their fucking laptop. Yeah, slaves didn't have double jams. Yeah, slaves didn't smell amazing. Yes, slaves didn't. I can't wait for somebody to be like, yo, you can't say that, bro. Slaves smell delicious as fuck, bro. Slaves smell delicious, breaking news. Slaves actually smell delicious. Yeah, slaves smell like juniper parents. Yeah, I stuck my nose in a time machine.
00:19:29
Speaker
I went and sniffed a bunch of slaves. That's so funny. That's what I do. You are right. A fucking wage slave is literally just like a white woman's reason to just call herself a slave. Oh, she's so happy she used to say it. Historically has been on top. I'm a wage slave. Oh my God, I know. Having a break room. What about mice? You probably get fingered in a break room. You're a fucking wage slave. Slaves don't clock out.
00:19:58
Speaker
And also, slaves don't have, like, a husband who works in the union. You're not a slave. You're just a whore. Slaves don't have TikTok. Well, eventually we do when China gets it. Oh, yeah. When they turn everybody whatever one's content, I don't know what they're going to do with my content. When I go to prison, they're going to make me relive a breakup.
00:20:20
Speaker
I don't know what they want from our data, though. What are they going to do with... Well, I think it's more so they get facial recognition. They do AI. Because I feel like the next war is going to be a social media war. Oh, shit. Did you guys see the trailer of that A24 movie, Civil War? No. They're making a movie about a modern Civil War. No. And I've only seen the trailer. The trailer looks all right. What kind of American? What they're doing, apparently, it's like California and Texas are teaming up.
00:20:50
Speaker
And I think they're doing that to give this, like, a neutral view because it's not gonna be like Republicans versus Democrats, because Republicans would win. Yeah. Democrats aren't gonna win. As much as- That's like a fact, and I'm not saying, like, anything bad about them. They're just not gonna win. Republicans are ready for a militia. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like
00:21:21
Speaker
Okay, what what would like a hard? What would a hard liberal do in a civil war like what would be there like I'm honestly not putting up with this They would just lay down now Raval which means like don't shave your fucking legs Start smelling immediately they already smell anyway Well, yeah, this this movie for Civil War. I I hope it's like scary. I hope it's not like a
00:21:47
Speaker
Like, this could happen. This is, like, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump. Yeah, this is what happens when Trump gets in. Ew, I hate, like, anything. I hate all of that. I can't look. I'm, like, I'm gearing up, like, I don't care. Please make both sides look badass. Or both sides look badass. I don't care if Trump wins. I just can't with the crying.
00:22:09
Speaker
I can't. It's gonna be four more years of crying and belly aching. I don't want to spend the rest of my 20s with the crying and belly aching. That's how they win. 27, 28, 29 and 30 will be full of tears. It will also be full of very funny news clips.
00:22:30
Speaker
No, that's not they're not funny enough to drown out the fucking scream crying Apache Apache fat princesses. Yeah, I know him throwing that paper towel roll. I was like a three-pointer I Hate him. Yeah, what's gonna happen is what's gonna happen is if he gets in they're gonna do this remember that clip went at the inauguration of that chunky white lady with the glass Yeah
00:22:59
Speaker
Should they should do I think they should have a huge scream in public you should be killed No, I think they should have Trump and Biden both in office and they handcuffed them both together And then they have to run for president together Though I like that idea, but the only the whole thing is they're not home Wilson and Vince Vaughn. It would just be like a disaster Well, that's the fun part of it
00:23:21
Speaker
This Civil War movie, I hope it's not like fucking like like super racially charged or like politically charged or like this is what happens.
Political Satire and Absurdity
00:23:29
Speaker
Can we get a president that doesn't need a shower chair, please? Yeah, no shower chair president. No anti gay fucking racist president. Can we just get like a young guy?
00:23:40
Speaker
I don't want a young guy either. I want a black woman or like an Apache woman. I want like a Native American woman because we're going to Native American girl. They're going to start handing us fucking fever.
00:23:54
Speaker
They gave us a fever shot. I don't remember ordering anything on it. Yeah, they did. They gave us a clock shot, dude. They gave us all they gave us the clock shot and I'm not getting another one. I took one and I got Bell's palsy and I stopped. That's so fucking
00:24:12
Speaker
half my face got paralyzed from the jews jews you got murder fucked by that i woke up and i said oh well i guess i'll i literally was like oh well i have to kill myself that was my first when you i was gonna say as the day went on were you like if this is permanent what am i gonna do uh i pretty much read every single thing there was to read about it the second it happened to me i read every single thing i could read about like you know and they're like temporary
00:24:36
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, everything was like you're gonna be fine I was like, but am I though cuz guess what being that was the worst like four and a half months in my life It was like four and a half months. It was you had fucking bells palsy for like four months That is fucking insane. I didn't realize it was that long all from nature
00:24:55
Speaker
Probably tick bite, right? No, it was from fucking the clock shot dude. Oh Yeah, Joe Biden. Yeah, you're buying mixture in here instead. No, I didn't know I fucking I did not get bit by a tick I would have fucking hit by Joe Biden got bit by Joe Biden's clock. I came in bit him on the leg Get that juice out to those people. Yeah. Yeah, there's a leg It's an eyeball. Maybe a tooth That's a leg So then what you took medicine that went away
00:25:24
Speaker
Yeah, I just took a bunch of shit and it slowly got better. I mean, it's still not 100% and that kills me. What do you mean? You can still kind of you can still like I can tell. I mean, like I can tell. Do you think it's like a subconscious part? No, I can tell. I can when I look at my face, you know what I mean? Like my one eye doesn't open as much.
00:25:44
Speaker
That's how I am. My eyes are uneven. I hate it. I used to have this sexy symmetrical face. No, I'm a freak. Now I'm just a wage slave. Now I'm a literal wage slave. Now I'm just a fucking wage slave. I'm going to call every white woman a wage slave now. Yeah, that makes like six figures.
00:26:08
Speaker
If I didn't have this saggy eyeball, my boyfriend would love me. I'd get married. That's so funny. I have a saggy eyeball. What medication did you have to take to get rid of that? I forget. Take it now, Jews. Take it now, Jews. It would be so funny if instead of the medicine you didn't have insurance, you had to go holistic.
00:26:31
Speaker
They're like, we need the bone marrow of a fruit bat. Wild caught. Wild caught. You're out there with Bell's balls, you try to catch a bat with a fucking shovel. When I first saw it, I was like, I'm not going to freak out, because I'm not going to freak you out. But then internally, I was like, yikes. I felt bad. Yeah, I wanted to kill myself every second of the day. And then I would see myself and go, oh.
00:27:01
Speaker
Oh man. I think we're doing LSD trips soon. I think we're doing a big, big research. I don't consider it a hang, I consider it research. We talk about absolutely nothing when we're tripping. You search the universe on your soul. It's gibberish research. It's gibberish, but for some reason I take so
Drug Experiences and Self-Discovery
00:27:21
Speaker
much from it. I take more of that than I do anything else.
00:27:24
Speaker
Yeah, it's like you say something, but you'll be like, you know what? I'm like, wow, well put. Well put. And then I say nothing. I love when people are like, yeah, I'm so fucking tapped in. It's like, no, you're not. I can't stand that. People are like, I like learned a lot about myself. I'm like, really? Because I fucking laughed. I forgot to breathe. Nothing for 12 hours. I forgot to breathe for moments. I forgot I had a gallon of red fucking Gatorade under me. And when I found it, that's when I really found myself.
00:27:53
Speaker
I think I just turned to like a dumb baby. Yeah, we become infants. We all became infants. We all sat around and just became infants.
00:28:00
Speaker
learn how to walk again literally we were we were sitting and I could feel it I could feel it coming on and I looked over and Jim's catch is in the middle of the room on the floor and it felt like the cat was just in the static TV and I kept on thinking about that like cringy Walmart shirt like the flying taco cat and that cringy I sure that all of us probably had at one point I kept thinking about that and it was making me like it was layering my hilarious laugh
00:28:25
Speaker
He was like getting worse and worse and worse and I was like how could anyone fucking find themselves? That's what rich people say that's what like rich college students say when they go to a festival Because it's the first time their dad's not like you're late for karate Aaron
00:28:40
Speaker
Like I found myself You were puking while that guy with dreads was fucking you Finding yeah, a white dude with dreads named Colby came in your ass Now you're now you're now you're connected and some dude some dude like basically like double pegged you with the tampon in you Fucked you with a tampon in while you were puking. That's
00:29:07
Speaker
I straight up was sitting here, I was like, I need sunflower seeds and Jim's like, what? And I was like, did I say that out loud? That's not finding yourself. That's not finding yourself.
00:29:18
Speaker
anything you're getting lost if anything you're getting lost and you should just go with it I was I always think like if you're in a situation like that's fucking go with it do you think that is a part of finding yourself though it's just getting lost you know I mean no I think it's just I think it's literally taking like a psychotic stimulant like a simulation literally like what it's like to be insane we should take acid and go in K&A and just walk around
00:29:40
Speaker
That would be so fucking scary, or it would be the most insane- You'd have a panic attack immediately. You'd have a panic attack immediately. I'd be like, get me out of here, please. I'm gonna throw up. I'm not safe. I'd be like, I'm not safe, and then, like, that thought would travel up my brain. That thought would go down in my toes. Yeah. And my toes would go, we're not safe, we're not safe, I can't.
00:29:58
Speaker
I was just trying to make a garbage fire. Just trying to get out there and build a fire and kill a fucking homeless lady and try to burn her up and eat her. Wouldn't that be crazy if for some reason we went down there all tripping acid just for an experiment and we all got started beating our chest and getting tribal? What if we were like, we need to fucking eradicate these junkies?
00:30:19
Speaker
Take over territory? Yeah, because the fucking Vikings would take mushrooms and go murder a village. They would take mushrooms and go berserker. They'd go crazy.
00:30:30
Speaker
Like, I don't know. Acid's like one of those things where I did. I don't want to do, I wouldn't like to do around people that aren't on it. I felt very comfortable being around people that were all so freaked out. When you're around somebody, I don't want to be able to talk to someone and they're gonna be like, what, dude? Yeah, you want to be on a dead concert? I'd be like, just let me fucking flam, flam, flam, flam. Flams. Have you ever had sex hallucinating? Yes, multiple times. Is it fun?
00:30:57
Speaker
You know, it's weird. It's just it's it's almost like the same as like doing it when you do like a stimulant like coke or like like Adderall or like Molly It's like I can't even really like focus on it Like I like like I'm like I'm doing it and it's fun. But like honestly like my brain I'm so fucked up. There's a penis start like curving and you're like
00:31:20
Speaker
It would freak me out cuz I felt like when I was tripping I felt very human Yeah, if that makes sense like I felt like a species I got species of like I feel like an animal that's maybe finding myself, but that's me in the mirror going like All these faces and scare myself yeah
00:31:39
Speaker
Scaring yourself on acid is the funnest thing to do like the scares. Oh, I love to look at myself in the mirror My one eye droop down a little bit and I'm like It's hilarious. It's literally I'm a psych you notice every detail about yourself. You look at your pores and you go Oh, I'm just this cluster. I'm just this I'm just this bad bag. Yeah cells fat and blood hair I'm like, I'm no different than a rat
00:32:06
Speaker
And then somebody knocks on the door, and I'm like, yo, I'm coming right out. I'll be right out. That's all I asked. No one knocked at all. Nobody knocked at all. I had the fucking scariest feeling in the bathroom when we were in the Poconos. What you fucking had on? I had a bouncer in there with me, dude. Bouncer in there? I had a bouncer in there. I kept on sitting there, sitting on the toilet. I felt like I had this huge concert I was about to headline. Yeah? I could hear it outside. It was the music off the TV. It sounded like when the openers were hanging in it. And I'm sitting there just getting my thoughts together.
00:32:35
Speaker
I was like, I'm sitting here, I just took a shit. I haven't wiped my ass in 25 minutes. Whatever residual shit's on my asshole is cold now. My asshole felt cold. I was sitting there, I was like, how long have I been thinking about this? It was so creepy. I was convinced that there was a guy at the door of the bathroom that I had to walk past to get in. Then when I went in there, I was like, was that a guy or was that me? What was that? I'm just pooping.
00:33:00
Speaker
Taking your shit on acid is also the worst because you feel like you're shitting your wallet out Yeah, I don't think of my wallet keys call my car went in there. I thought I shit my card in the toilet. I was like Make sure my intestines didn't fall out. I feel yeah, it always feels good. And that's what I found myself I was like I'm nothing but this thing that sheds. I'm just a shitting. I'm shedding batch a shitting little man. Yeah
00:33:24
Speaker
Then we went in the mountain house. We went down to the fucking other room. We went down to the basement. We enjoyed every square inch of the Airbnb. That was the funniest thing ever. Me and you were walking around like old Italian grandmas. I was literally like walking around, pointing at everything. We got to do that again, dude. I want to experiment with another hallucinogenic. There's a place in New Hope, PA, ayahuasca therapy.
00:33:52
Speaker
That one too. I wanna go to a shaman. All of us do ayahuasca. That would fool. You're gonna shit your brains out. Isn't that what it's? And puke. Yeah, isn't it just like... They're fucking shamans screaming in my arm. Oh shit. You're gonna shit yourself into a headache and then have the worst time ever. Yeah, just gonna shit yourself to death. I'm literally gonna shit and it's gonna tell me everything I already know about myself. I need to drink more water.
00:34:21
Speaker
Just shit everything up Yeah, I just I'm scared like I would like I said, I don't want to take hallucinogenics. I'm not around my best friends It's when that's the only time you should do something like that is when you wait you're fine I'm not putting myself in like a state like that and then like hanging out with someone that could do some weird shit You've been in situation before you've been on some shit. You'll just get in someone's car I've done that I've like I've like I've like tripped with dudes that I've gone on like hookups with and shit like I've done like
00:34:50
Speaker
very trusting fuck I can handle myself you know what I mean like from most things I've taken I can handle myself on so I'm not really scared to do it you are good at managing drugs yeah that's true I can handle my my acid that's a good thing and a bad thing you are very good at drugs yeah which isn't it that's good you won't die but also yeah it's a double-edged sword yeah I mean I guess I'm kind of friendly to like anyone who gives me drugs too
00:35:19
Speaker
Yes, I guess yeah cuz in my mind drugs are expensive. I'm just like oh this guy's drugs yeah charitable, man like You want musk? I haven't touched. I haven't touched anything in over a year. That's great. Yeah, it's cuz your job
00:35:34
Speaker
my job and stuff like that. Yeah, it's because of your job. I also was getting anxious as fuck smoking. Yeah. Very anxious. You also were in the middle of a fucking brutal breakup. Yeah, but even then before then I was getting tagged up. I was getting high and getting like just really fucking paranoid. Like I couldn't. Yeah, you can overindulge on weed. Weed is so strong nowadays you actually do have to like
00:35:57
Speaker
Take a little break, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'll probably do it again in the future. It's just like, like when I was doing it, like I was, I had the pen and that's when I started to really like, yeah, that's what my fucking day. I would like get grumpy until I had it.
00:36:13
Speaker
I don't want to be grumpy until I get anything. I mean, I'm grumpy until I have Scrabble. But like Scrabble grump is like a different kind of grump. It's like a whole different kind of grump, dude. You're like an old baseball player.
00:36:38
Speaker
So bad want to see you flip out somebody through your teeth. I've never fucking I haven't flipped out in years.
Road Rage Reflections
00:36:45
Speaker
I flipped out Like like flipped out flipped out like it probably a year and a half
00:36:52
Speaker
I flipped out when my mom died, but that was like a different type of thing. That's like a sad flip out. It wasn't anger at all. That's sad flip out. It was just like ballistic sadness. There was no anger behind it. Yeah. That's, I mean, that's a good, that's a good flip out. I haven't had. Yeah. And it was, it was short. Yeah. It was pretty fucking crazy. You just lose it.
00:37:14
Speaker
I don't really lose it too often unless it's like road rage. I want to see I want to see your I want to see you freak out Oh that like the last freak out I had was probably like years ago And it was during like some dude like cut me off at like a light and then I cut him off And then I stopped the car I got out and I was like what the fuck you dude. Holy shit. Yeah Yeah, I was basically like you almost hit my car, and then I was like what the fuck like what's your fucking problem? Yeah? What did he do?
00:37:39
Speaker
He was just like talking shit. He's like, you wanna start anything? You wanna do something? I'm like, yeah, I'm standing right out here. And I just drop off. I was like, all right. He shoots, TJ. He shoots him in the fucking... Dude, I'm so scared of road rage.
00:37:52
Speaker
Mean yeah, that's why I got the fuck ever since I saw that lady getting murdered by that guy should have kept your fucking mouth And it's she and Tim Dylan even said she's right. She should have kept her fucking mouth shut Shut up go in the fucking house. Yeah, cuz like road rage go in the fucking house Let him shoot somebody else. Let him shoot somebody else people are so close at the crazy guys shoot someone who are so close right now Yeah, baby girl does that lay on the horn at somebody and be like fuck and I'm like I
00:38:19
Speaker
You're gonna get us both killed. You're gonna you're gonna shoot you in the fucking tits I switched up my music. I switched over music to like hardcore rap to like more like mellow shit Yeah
00:38:35
Speaker
Commandments one. And then now it's like, Oh, yeah, it's like SZA. Yeah, it's like, it's like, oh, yes, it's like, this is like my elbows is man soft. My knees is glowing.
00:38:53
Speaker
I remember the lotion your joints do you listen to like lotion rap now I know what I stopped I stopped the content I was looking at I
00:39:14
Speaker
On social media, like I was on reddit and I would just watch fights Yeah, and I would watch public freakouts and I would watch like all this shit and like I can't watch that stuff
00:39:24
Speaker
Yeah, because I'm like... It makes me feel like I'm looking for it. Yeah, because I'm like... I'm like reaching for it. The world's a dangerous place. Yeah, bro, I need to walk out every day with a fucking chip on my shoulder. My gun and my fucking... What do you call it? What do you call it? I don't ever leave the house without my gun and my nads. The nads? I don't ever leave the house without my AR, my fucking ball sack. Yeah, I don't leave the house. I don't leave the house without three magazines.
00:39:51
Speaker
That's Scrabble Grump, right? Yeah. Scrabble Grump. Yeah. You got some pre-scrabble grump. Yeah, I got Scrabble Grump. That's how you talk to me. And then what do you sound like after you get your Scrabble Grump? I eat that when I yell over McGriddle. All right. And a large orange juice, two hash browns. All right, now what do you sound like after you get your Scrabble?
00:40:06
Speaker
good morning. Hello Melanita Angel. You don't like me at my scrabble grub. You don't like me at my moisturized Angel. I feel like if I was upset in the morning about something that's what being my son and my girlfriend is having two modes having to this guy and this one man. You got to grab and fucking post scrabble grub. I have like a post scrabble core. You have there you have scrabble grub that you got scrap is got scrappiness.
00:40:36
Speaker
If I was upset in the morning and my girlfriend was like, oh listen, it sounds like somebody's got a little, a little scrapple grump. I would be like, yeah, you want me to shave your head? I will hold you down and shave just the top of your head. Yo, TJ last week and I, we went to the Lanark.
00:40:55
Speaker
How was that? We hit the landmark. We hit the landmark. We got the landmark. We hit the landmark. They got that big lady that works the overnight, the overnight waitress. Which one? Give me that. Give me that. Give me that. Snap. Snap. Snap. You nailed them. You nailed the waiting industry. Yeah, they can't hear the high five, so I got to hit them. That was our high five. That was a clap. Go ahead, Clamley. We'll put it in post.
00:41:24
Speaker
Yeah, so how was the big L? What'd you guys a big L?
Dining and Starbucks Shenanigans
00:41:28
Speaker
We both got the hungry man special, but we didn't get to sit in the booth cuz some other Some other couple was there. They being fucking ironic and whimsical at the same time Yeah, but TJ was like I want to sit where Jennifer Lawrence at I wanted to be like a mean bully I want to be devilishly articulate and be like yeah, I want to be devilishly articulate I Want the Raisin Bran he'll have the tea we're devilishly articulate
00:41:53
Speaker
And then I'm gonna go outside with a full-blown conversation on Township Line Road. I'm gonna pretend it's not Frogger every time I cross Township Line. Township Line, it was almost like they had like a child cemetery like in the Glen behind it because they were like, it was like the pet cemetery. They were like, yeah, all kinds of boys and girls get hit on Township Line. I'm devilishly articulate. I'm devilishly articulate. We have a rotating camera with us.
00:42:19
Speaker
I'm gonna get the raisin bran cuz I'm difficult and annoying and he's gonna get the team cuz he's bipolar Yeah, yeah bipolar people love dunking tea. They're fucking dunk the shit out of it Take it in or take it out. I don't know If I was a waiter and somebody ordered raisin bran I'd put it in front of them then I'd punch the fucking cereal and milk in the bowl Actually, it's so funny cuz I'd bring the serving tray over and then I'd shoot
00:42:43
Speaker
the bowl of cereal had them like a basketball. He remember there was that guy at Starbucks that would show up with all the mobile looters and he would rip the straw out and he would fucking get ready to stab one of the drinks. Oh my god. I didn't look for his drink to stab. Oh my god. We laughed so fucking hard at that guy. Being a barista was the best job ever. It was the greatest job ever. You're a fucking drug dealer.
00:43:03
Speaker
Yeah, pretty much fucking 5 a.m. Dude, there was a point there was a point when him and I worked at Starbucks where they weren't allowing people to come into the fucking place So there was a table at the fucking door little table at the door and people would have the mobile owner And like that's when you see the real addicts that never stopped
00:43:21
Speaker
Yeah, they're coming on not only that you have like the whole team just gets to run our mouth all day long This absolute fat cunt god the fucking cancer didn't take her yet, bitch It's funny cuz we know everything about them cuz we see them every day you see them every day and you give them their first hit of drugs
00:43:44
Speaker
There she is. Hey, there she is. Colleen with that big Irish butt. Oh, yeah. Oh, is this? Oh, grande mocha to Splenda. I knew it was you. I didn't even see your name and I knew it was you must be seven 40. Then they walk by and you go, you fucking slob here.
00:44:03
Speaker
We had a customer that would come in, she would get a Trenta cold brew with five shots of espresso, ten pumps of vanilla, ten pumps of mocha, then five pumps of sugar-free vanilla, four pumps of cinnamon dulce,
00:44:19
Speaker
and then fucking the cold foam on top and a 30-ounce cold brew yes she would like she we and then we killed her we killed her we fucking killed her we killed her we gave her a hot dose we fucking killed her
00:44:37
Speaker
We killed a woman off. We killed a woman. We murdered a fat woman at Starbucks. We murdered her. If not her heart rate with the caffeine, definitely diabetes. She came in at one point, her skin was so stretched out and dry from being so fucking just unhealthy. Oh my gosh. I was with her when she first got the oxygen.
00:44:55
Speaker
Oh, she's on an oxygen? She eventually got on the oxygen and then it got to a point where then the daughter had to come in. The daughter was getting it too. The daughter was a whale in training. She was in whale school. We killed her mother and then she just started coming in and getting her own. At first she would get two and I knew that the mom at this point is probably just a house with eyes. Like Captain Ahab, huh? Basically Captain Ahab.
00:45:24
Speaker
but then she stopped coming in and I was like, you don't just stop drinking that overnight. You had to go to nine shots and then go to eight shots. No, you'd have to die. You have to die. You can't have only up. Have you tried to taste it? Like what would that like?
00:45:39
Speaker
No, we never would never you know what it tastes like drugs. It tastes like a hit that'd be like a fucking high vanilla mocha cinnamon and cinnamon vanilla also 30 ounces of cold brew with no water Frank and then espresso shots on that that's like having like it's like having 16 cups of coffee and like 20 Hershey bars and
00:46:03
Speaker
That's a fucking hit. It's a hit. We put a hit out of this woman. We didn't put a hit in Starbucks was just like like ladder ladder ladder ladder You want to destroy your nose as she wants? If they want to destroy themselves they can destroy themselves Well, yeah, she was a nice lady remember that I'm playing she never complained either remember that time that she would just never complain She would be like I'd be like I'm sorry. I got a comment up. I have to shut half the fucking story down
00:46:31
Speaker
I actually got a hit up. I would actually take so long to make the fucking drink that you would just park the cup. Yeah, I'm actually I'm actually I just I have a pen pal and Cassie Cielo that's working He just said that the Sun just hit the hill at the right spot Fucking beans, right? Yeah, I actually was able to type out a letter and send it and get it there and fucking at Puerto Vallarta
00:46:55
Speaker
If that doesn't work, are you cool with Asia Pacific? Is that all right? Okay, as long as you're good with Asia Pacific, we should be fine. Just make sure you get the 10 shots. But then there would be like, remember the ladies would come in and be like, oh, I need my boost. And it's just a vanilla milkshake. I need my boost. There's no caffeine. It's literally a fucking sugar bomb. I need my boost. I need my boost. I'll never forget that time you fucking...
00:47:16
Speaker
That fucking bitch would swirl it. That was probably, that was my thug life moment in my life. We were slammed and I made this lady her drink and like I fucking swirled it and like it didn't have like the cascading effect that's going to happen. That's going to be called foam settles. It's going to be gone the second that you fucking sip it. Okay. So I can put in your cup holder in your car. It's like a second. Yeah. So I just wanted for the photo. She was like,
00:47:43
Speaker
They don't tell you that something's wrong. They go... They just breathe out. They're jowls. It's all body language. You've got to go up and you're like, oh, I forgot. I serve hungry pugs all day. Hold on. What's that? Oh, you don't like carrots? Okay. They're like... Yeah, they'll be like this a little bit.
00:48:08
Speaker
So John remakes the drink like on the fly. He like throws it together. I told her first. I was like, no, that's your drink. It just said it just I literally just made it a minute ago. It just settled already. Yeah. And she insisted that I did it again. All right. And I was like, just it's going to be a minute.
00:48:25
Speaker
Yeah, I was just mad. I was like, all right, well, whatever. You know what I'm saying? I don't understand why people, when they go to customer service places, it was coconut mocha macchiato. Yeah, the coconut milk mocha macchiato. No one got that drink ever, because the drinks sucked dick. They got rid of it, and I remember her being like... It was a coconut milk mocha macchiato, but it was white mocha. Okay.
00:48:46
Speaker
She got, it was off the menu and she was now being that person that would just build the drink. Yeah. Like it wasn't on the screen anymore. It was like, all right, I'll tell you what has to go in it.
00:48:58
Speaker
and it was supposed to have a little cascade zone, and it settled because she didn't get there. Fast enough. Yeah. So then she was like, I need it remade. So I remade it for her, and then as I was handing it to her, it was in the cascade zone. I fucking shook it up and gave it to her. He went just like the original one. It was in this part of her hand, her outstretched hand. The cup. So she shook her hand. No, no, no. She didn't even grab it yet. The cup is here, and she's literally getting around it, and he goes,
00:49:29
Speaker
And then he goes and hands to her. She was like, uh, it's pretty much like a murder. I murdered her, killed her. Every once in a while at Starbucks, you get to just murder somebody on that level. Oh my God. My one boss that fired me. I got to kill her in front of everybody. That was fucking phenomenal. Yeah. Yeah. Funniest thing you've ever said at Starbucks was this. You asked this guy for his name, huh? And the guy, I forget what the guy's name was. George. Oh, he gets, yeah. George and Jim goes, that was my mother's name.
00:49:58
Speaker
And just to say anything after that, I was like, what the fuck? You said that was you. That was my mother's name. That was my mother's name. I'm like, whoa, that's pretty cool. I miss being a barista so fucking much. Dude, a job pays shit. And honestly, I really do think that baristas should get paid a little bit more.
00:50:20
Speaker
You're a fucking drug dealer. You're a pharmacist. Well, honestly, you're a pharmacist. That was a great job, dude. You should pay more. Especially for a franchise. Yeah, and it was nice. We both worked in an area where everybody was our age.
00:50:32
Speaker
I thought you were going to say white. White was heavily white in our story. It was a white Starbucks. You would have thought we were the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. Was it like all white guy shifts? People would come in and scream like the Ed Sullivan show. Were you guys on the... It was Beatlemania at 6.45 in there.
00:50:52
Speaker
Now, were you guys working at Starbucks pre or post that incident when the two black guys... Post. Post. Pre and post. Pre and post. Oh, you guys were dirty. Yeah, we were dirty. We never gave anybody an ounce of shit for sitting in there. Damn, yeah. No, I fucking business. We're not supposed to.
00:51:07
Speaker
I remember going in there from time to time in like high school and then seeing like, like just random, like weird dude, just straight up. There's always weird dudes that we, there was an autistic guy, W Bush. There's an autistic guy, George W. Bush. Yeah, there was. And he was, he would, he was crazy. And if you, if you were stuck talking to him or you're stuck talking to him, he, we never told him to leave. Yeah. Cause you just sit there and read the paper on black off. Oh my God. I remember, I remember Brian, Brian.
00:51:34
Speaker
Oh yeah! That guy was fucking cool. We had a co-worker that was on the bottom of the totem pole of coolness. Hell yeah. And the nail in the coffin for her was getting asked out on the date by the most retarded customer. He was the biggest smack in the face. We were like, do it. Yeah, you should do it. You should do it, bridge. You should do it because he's retarded and we think you're retarded.
00:51:59
Speaker
Like love on the spectrum before low on the spectrum Jim's big move was like during peak like 8 a.m. And be getting jumping in their gym with fucking hop go take a shit I'm not gonna get to do it until 1030. So I'm gonna do it at 8. I'm gonna shit at 8 Yeah, better than the worse. Yeah, remember Marsha. Yeah, where's he at? I'm sure I'm shitting He's going number two Like I would stop yelling his name
00:52:26
Speaker
Where's he at? Where is he? He's pooping. He's gonna come out and tell you he's pooping and then go back in. I would take the trash out like every five minutes and like smoke eight cigarettes. Yeah, the trash bag's full of cigarette buds. I gotta take it out and make trash out. I invent trash. I would take a bunch of trash bags and put it in the trash bag to like pack it out. I think it's fucking trash out again. I don't know what happened. Also, we're out of trash bags. I don't know what happened this game. We're also out of trash bags every week.
00:52:52
Speaker
That was such a great job. This seems like a fun job. If it paid enough to live, I'd still be there. It doesn't pay enough to live. It keeps the liberals crying. What about like a... It keeps them hungry. Could you make a living off like a manager? You could. I think they make about 50 grand a year. Really? Yeah, you could live off of that. Which isn't bad, but you could... They'll call you... You can't do anything. You have to be... You're on call. Oh, like you're like a doctor for sure. Literally, if anything happens. Yeah, you are. You're like a doctor. There's like another race riot and like your employees have to deploy.
00:53:20
Speaker
Yeah, they have to be there. That's literally what was happening. That's what was happening. You get a green riot shield. They give you a fucking, they give you like a Kevlar fucking name. I literally was about to say a Kevlar apron. It says ACAB on it.
00:53:39
Speaker
That was the other thing, too. At our Starbucks, it wasn't all like fucking... It all wasn't like bony art students that worked there. We were like a deli staff. It was like a fucking... It was like a deli staff. It was a 1950s deli. I mean, I wouldn't say 50s deli. We had black soda jerks. Fire hoses? Black soda jerks? Fire hoses and fat chicks off the stool.
00:54:06
Speaker
We were the first Starbucks to have a sticker in the window that said, no fat jigs.
Controversial Opinions and Dramatic Reactions
00:54:12
Speaker
We were the first Starbucks that sold like black rifle coffee. It's true. We were the first Starbucks that had Joe Rogan there. I remember my least favorite customer ever like put his phone down on the thing and he was listening to JRE. I was like,
00:54:25
Speaker
I can't enjoy his podcast now knowing that you fucking like it. We had a bunch of, we had a bunch of radical Republican realtors from Havertown. They would all gather and they'd fuck the cafe up. They would fuck the, they would pull all the big chairs together in a big circle. They'd call the meeting of the minds. So he'd walk by and he'd walk by and he'd go, and they won, what, these fucking blacks won everything?
00:54:46
Speaker
They want everything, it's like, whoa. We wouldn't even kick them out. We wouldn't kick anybody out. There was just all enough cases in there all day. How in that guy's shit? This fucking, I'm working like, it was like a post-soccer. I'm wage slaving as hard as I can. I was wage slaving like a little, literally like a little whip slave.
00:55:08
Speaker
I was like a little whipped up slave. And I was, yeah. So I just got done being lashed. I just got done being lashed with an apron. Yes, and Master just made his whipping rounds. And I was working, it was like, it was during the tie-dye Frappuccino, where it was literally just like a fucking, it was like a literally like a $38 like 12 ounce fucking yellow frat. I used to piss and like, it was literally like a fucking like,
00:55:37
Speaker
It literally looked like a period piss. But these little girls came in from like a soccer game. It was like a whole team of them. And I'm like making fucking fraps and all this shit. I noticed this old guy came running in. He's holding the stomach in his butt. I was like, I'm thinking like a guy's got to think of shit or something. I thought it was funny. But then all of a sudden this black lady in line, she goes,
00:56:04
Speaker
Oh, Lord, somebody's dog took a shit in here. And I look over and there's just this guy left like four piles, like four dead bodies just all the way to the crime scene, the whole thing in front of these little girls. So I'm like out there like, oh, no, everyone's like.
00:56:21
Speaker
Ew, what the fuck? Nobody's like, oh my god, what happened? Everyone's like, ew, what the fuck? What the hell? Ew, who's shit? Even when I get four-year-old girls, I get, ew, who's shit? I'm gonna fuck them all. People get so, people get so, it's so easy to- A four-year-old in a sock, are you gonna work?
00:56:41
Speaker
Fuck did I would beat the fuck fuck out of them? But then I didn't realize that at a restaurant when someone shit somewhere other than the toilet it becomes a biohazard So I I went dogshit style grab the bag put my hand in the bag Picked up four piles of old man shit. Yeah, that was still hot. Oh
00:57:07
Speaker
And these little girls on the soccer team are all watching. Why watch them all go bury your head in your mom's hip? I can't. Yeah. Oh my God. So moving the shoe is the best.
00:57:20
Speaker
What the f- When you moved Lydia's shoe? Oh yeah, her- My co-worker's shoe was right there, like, against it. Like, the side of her shoe was against one of the mounds and I literally just picked her foot up and just moved it. I was like, please, like, get away from this shit. Also, people couldn't stop walking through it. They couldn't stop getting near it. They were, like, trying to get on it, like, there's always that cat steppin' in the fudge brownie. Oh, flick! Flickin' the foot out, yeah, flick! It was like that.
00:57:53
Speaker
How much money would you make if you fucking slipped in somebody else's shit in a Starbucks and cracked your fucking head? I think if I slipped and I got it in my mouth, I would literally have a pet tiger. You'd have a pet tiger. I would change Wildwood to John Town. Yeah, John's Town. Johnny Wood. Johnny Wood. Wild Johnny. Wild John. Yeah, Wild John. Johnny Wood. North Wild John.
00:58:15
Speaker
They were trying to get at it like they were trying to slip in it and make bank.
00:58:22
Speaker
I would change the name Beach to John. We're at Beach. We call it John now. It's John's John. I'm gonna go skinny dipping in the John.
00:58:32
Speaker
It is, it is funny though, like, I remember that whole situation, like, people, when someone smells bad, people have no qualms about being the most outward about it. Well, I think stench. What the fuck is that smell? Ew, who the fuck smells? Because when you have that bad stank, it makes your face, like, angry. It makes, dude, I had a pair of fucking hey dudes last summer, hey dudes, that I was rocking with no socks for, like, wheats. Oh, yeah. My feet were fucking sweating so bad in them.
00:59:02
Speaker
They smelled so bad. I was living in my brother's house in the summer. I came home and kicked him off. I was laying across the bed, just wafting my feet, like just tearing him out. And it literally smelled so bad, it caused a fight in the house. Everybody was fighting. Everybody got mad at each other. Everyone was like, what the fuck? And then all of a sudden everyone was like,
00:59:24
Speaker
Is that his fucking shoes? Like, they all stop. It's like Ryan. I'm like, Ryan stop. They're like, it's a shoe. What the fuck? I don't mean to fucking punch you in the face. I don't mean to stab you. I did. I say that an Airbnb with like five other comedians and I forgot my fucking shoes and I wore my slippers that I was nozocking.
00:59:46
Speaker
And I wore them all day long. How did you forget shoes? I was fucking, I was hammered. I was hammered. Uh, and so I was, I, we went down there and I was fucked up and I just, I forgot a bunch of shit. Like I didn't even have my phone. Like it was, we were only down there for like a day, but I have my phone for a whole day without it. It was hilarious. Cause everyone was like, damn, this phone is so fun. I was like, all right.
01:00:11
Speaker
People are like eating their phone in front of you. I went to bed, right? And I woke up and like I slept in a room with Gray. We shared a bed. So Gray got up in the morning and was like, the whole Airbnbs was like, feed. And I was like, I fucking hate gay people. I fucking all burned at that. I fucking hate gays. God damn it.
01:00:39
Speaker
The whole house stinks! The whole house stinks! He might as well have been on the roof. He might as well have literally shot somebody. So we were going to get on pontoon boats in the morning, and we drove to the parking lot with the pontoon boats. Jim's like, my feet won't stink out in open water. There's no walls for it to bounce off. I went into a Rite Aid, and I bought Rite Aid flip-flops.
01:01:03
Speaker
Hell yeah. Oh, so I can take those fucking slippers out back and fucking shoot. I left them in the parking lot of the pontoon boat place and I watched us. We pulled out of the parking lot and I caught a glimpse of them in the rear view. I was like, I was like, yeah, they were like,
01:01:28
Speaker
Wait a minute. Why is there just one and then the other one the other one broke through the back window? I Imagine they're swerving in the shoes hanging on like a werewolf. It's got teeth. It's fucking like
01:01:53
Speaker
I remember in gym class when my feet used to smell really bad in school. Any day that it would be raining, I'd be like, fuck, we're hitting the wrestling room. Which like, the wrestling room's like a foot microwave. Everybody's feet stinks in there. It really is. The wrestling room's the worst room. Dude, I had a pair of fucking Jordans that were like,
01:02:18
Speaker
Like, I went, like, two days, no socks. I'm talking high-top Jordans. Yeah, first 48. Literally, first 48. First 48 in a pair of Jordans. They had 48 hours to arrest my feet. Meanwhile, my feet escaped the New Orleans. Yeah. But, like, I remember kicking my shoes off, and, like, people, I couldn't believe, it was like, even, like, losers were like,
01:02:54
Speaker
I got like a loser in a quarterback like high-fiving over my feet
01:03:03
Speaker
Why is it the end of a movie in here right now? Why is everyone making amends? They're like, feed him! Feed him! No, no, no! I'm like, no, no, no! And then you're trying to, I'm like trying to, I'm using my tail nose to try to dig a hole in the wrestling mat. I'm trying to get under your feet under there. I'm trying to like, get them like... Oh, the best is when they try to put the feet in the sweatpants.
01:03:25
Speaker
and my feet stunk so bad and I fucking literally so bad where nobody wanted to fucking participate we had to do the fucking pull-up test oh and it was so funny cuz I I did like I did like the fucking like ninja toes yeah and was like oh I can't like do them I didn't want my feet to leave the ground
01:03:51
Speaker
My feet were like coming to theaters this summer October But I had to do the fucking side I had to do the fucking sit and reach with mr. Talon. Oh, and he was like he was my partner Yeah, I had to do the fucking sit and reach and I put my feet like near his face
01:04:09
Speaker
I can tell his eyes were like watering Can you like rub these onions on your eyes? Rub these raw fucking onions on your eyes Oh my god, I thought he was gonna be like, is that his knees that smell? Are those knees that fucking smell like that?
01:04:31
Speaker
Fucking during the sin reach he was like come on push further and was like I literally wafted my feet his face and farted in his face. He's probably like I probably made like $60 an hour He literally changed jobs he literally changed job now he's a landscaper
01:04:51
Speaker
Smells her hasn't had wrestling room though was like like D-Day forget that. That's all I love I love a loser in a quarterback high five Yeah, you ever smell so bad that a loser gets confident enough the fucking quarterbacks put his letterman jacket on the
01:05:16
Speaker
He's a fucking loser. We don't you're still losing I think it's him you dude. I'm like fuck fuck. I tried shit. That's all I had fucker
01:05:33
Speaker
You're like the cool girl that loses prom queen I was the cool girl that wore like a neck brace to prom I literally like I do that fucking knee brace dude, and then I was sitting there the one and there's this kid His name was Tim. Mm-hmm. Yes smells like dirty shoes
01:05:54
Speaker
and I'm like shut up it's coming from right here it is me it is me and it is dirty shoes it is dirty shoes fuckface fucking like pussy bitch fucking shut up yeah you fucking shut up if you call somebody you shut up fucking shut up
01:06:21
Speaker
Man, I literally I remember like waiting in line to get in the wrestling room. I remember thinking I felt like Tom Hanks and fucking There's like a kid there's even smell your kid behind me like shaking with a cigarette like fucking like you Oh, man
01:06:37
Speaker
That's so funny. That's so fucking funny. It was kind of like D there, though. One by one. The worst part about middle school was you would get all stinky and then you'd go back to class. You'd get all stinky and then go learn about the presidents. You'd show up to history stinky. Yeah, I was a culprit in that. They would activate the cat piss. Whatever they... Yeah, it would agitate. It would fucking turn it up. It would literally fucking... Turn it up to 11. It would stir.
01:07:08
Speaker
Nice and marinated. I had Vince Neil living in my armpits. My shoes in middle school literally smelled like a crime scene. I'm surprised. There must have been guts in my shoes.
01:07:26
Speaker
One time my feet smelled so bad on the way to my cousin's house, my Aunt Kathy made me take my shoes off and throw them out. And she bought me new shoes at the whole day. Throw them out. Throw them out. I was like, but I like them. Throw them out. They're not shoes. They're no longer a shoe. I literally like, I remember thinking like, like, oh, they're going over someone's fucking house.
01:07:47
Speaker
She was off. I'm like, I'm going home. I'm like, can I use your phone actually? Yeah. I don't want to take them off to go walk through the kitchen to use the phone either. Yeah. Oh, is that why we never hung out? Hey, I said, take them off. I'm making a call. Take them off. Take off running. Gray, gray, white socks.
01:08:07
Speaker
Now, I'm being friends with Asian people like a new thing for you now. No, that's the thing. As I had Asian friends in elementary school, we'd be playing Midnight Club, they'd be like, put your shoes on. Put your shoes back on. I'm like, shut up. All right, fucking Chinese bitch. I'm like, no, I didn't say that. All right, fucking focus on the game. All right, shut up. Focus on the game. Yeah, you're maximum winning.
01:08:33
Speaker
They're like, no, mags your fucking feet sick. And my grandma from Malaysia won't shut up about it. She won't mind being like, okey okey. I'm like, what the fuck's that mean? She like tries to give me a new foot. Yeah. Tries to bind him up. Tried to put you in a tiny shoe.
Cultural Shoes Etiquette
01:08:49
Speaker
Oh my god, I was out, me and baby girl and her friend were out one night, and we picked her up from a restaurant, her friend, and she kicked off her fucking work shoes, her non-slips, and we were at an apartment with this other girl, and she kicked her non-slips off and put flip-flops on, like busted the shoe with the sock, and then threw the non-slips on, and she said there, her feet smelled so bad that the other girl's mom came out with perfume and was like,
01:09:19
Speaker
I fucking died. I literally died. Oh my god. I watched her brain go like this.
01:09:27
Speaker
Shut off there's anyone I watch my feet like usually when I go like come home from I watch my feet every day And I wear clean socks every day That's really what the key is when I wasn't wearing clean socks every dance when my feet smell like when I was a kid like my sister Would be like after like playing like you have to wash your hands, and you have to wash your feet, and I was like okay I just thought that was like a Korean thing or like a Catholic thing well I mean I know like Asian culture you guys it's like no shoes in the house at all you're a fucking piece of shit if you do that I
01:09:54
Speaker
Yeah, there's pretty much. Americans are like, I'll just take the street in there all over. I'll actually just wear my fucking timberland boots on the couch. Should've bad to bad. You don't jump on your couch and that's what like, like, like freaked me out is like when I saw like, uh, like my friends going into the bedrooms with their shoes on, I was like, what the fuck? And he just like, I would've called it, I would've caught a bamboo stick across my fucking earlobe. Yeah. Fucking Singapore cane.
01:10:19
Speaker
Yeah, he's like, I would have got a bamboo shoot in my toenail if I did that. What's that shit, eucalyptus? Is that whip, they whip you with eucalyptus? Yeah, like the little, like, weave... Doesn't that feel good, though? I mean... Isn't that like a spa thing? Yeah, but it's like... I think Russian spas, they do, like, the leaf thing. They just hit you with, like, thorny branches. Yeah, it's eucalyptus.
Spa Humor and Closing Remarks
01:10:38
Speaker
It's supposed to be cool, it's supposed to, like, sting, but also be, like, cool. Like, cooling. Yeah. Because it's like... The, like, restless polar bear.
01:10:47
Speaker
Yeah, they're like yeah, I want to go to a Russian spa. I don't want to do anything Russian. I don't want to do anything Russian. Have you tried our new choke out station? I'm going to choke you out. Yeah, Russians like, do you want cold soup? I'm like, I'm so good. Do you want polar bear steaks? Yeah, kind of. We're ready. We're ready. We're ready. I think we're good. We love y'all. We love y'all. Tune back in next week. Bye.