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EP 1: LIVE from the Mosque
199 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Travis Kelce, ISIS' Grammys, and Apple Vision Pro.
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Transcript
Introduction of Hosts
00:00:09
Speaker
Fire. What's up, fam? What up, King? This is episode one, baby.
00:00:30
Speaker
This is Jim Gillespie, John Prophet, T.J. Lee. How the fuck are you? How the fuck are you? I'm doing good. I'm doing good.
Nostalgia and Food Favorites
00:00:41
Speaker
I'm doing good. I'm pissed that we couldn't do Growing Up Italian, but it was already thinking. Growing up Italian. Growing up Italian. Yeah. My mom spent the entire day making sauce.
00:00:52
Speaker
Marinera Marinera my Nona was a fucking big fucking hairy-footed asshole She was mean to everybody but goddamn it Italians make me fucking sick Italian's making me sick Yeah I fucking can't stand I am one I'm an Italian and I fucking can't stand me You're a reformed Italian I'm Irish Italian so just everyone I know just yells and is broke Meet your cuisine's buffalo chicken dip
00:01:17
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, buff check that. Yeah, yeah, buff check that. Buff check that. Up the fucking butt. Up the fucking butt. I love buff chick dip so much, I'd put it on a condom and put it inside my ass. Oh. Yeah. You like that shit? I like that. Yeah, I like that. I like that. Just in case you need a little snack after a little later. If you were gonna put, if you were gonna fuck a chick with some food, what would you fuck her with? Fuck her with food? I feel like banana and cucumber is like too simple, like plain answer. I feel like a soft serve ice cream would be fun.
00:01:48
Speaker
Give her an infection calls the other she calls a week later. She's like I thought the Jimmy's would melt down by now p.m. Green
00:02:02
Speaker
I'm peeing green for weeks. Yeah, dude, get a chick all wet and then just fucking peg a handful of Jimmy's out or let us let them sit.
Humorous Takes on Holidays and Events
00:02:09
Speaker
It's Valentine's Day season and like, have you seen the price of fruit, dude? Yeah, baby. I'm fucking. Listen, if we're doing Valentine's Day stuff this year, it's like.
00:02:17
Speaker
Where they've been fucking vanish chocolate is here, baby. We're getting cheap fucking meat this year. Oh, yeah. We go to the freezer section. Yeah. I would get you a fucking dollar tree steak. Yeah. I always want to bring big beans to the bedroom. Big beans. Yeah. Big beans. I like you ever follow those like a fucking Facebook pages. That's like beans where they shouldn't be. No. It's like beans where they shouldn't be. It's like a fucking it's like a clock on a wall, but it's full to the top.
00:02:49
Speaker
That's awesome. Are you pumped for the Super Bowl this weekend? Yeah, yeah, I'm fucking jacked up. I mean I'm uh, I was gonna watch it with my dad, but he's He's literally gonna he was like I'm gonna go to bed like at halftime. I was like, all right Well, I'm gonna fucking do something else because Travis guy Like Travis Kelsey. Yeah, I like Jason Kelsey Oh Jason Kelsey to remember that time you fucking we fucking chased him around in the fucking PT Cruiser and
00:03:14
Speaker
Yeah, I gave Jim like a retard moment where he was like all like he's like all gay about Jason Kelsey So I followed this guy all the way to Ardmore. He's a he walked out with a guy And then we got to our where I pulled up and waited for him to get out of his car and then pulled up and I Like I like yeah, I pull over I was like your best You're really good. You're really good. Bye
00:03:53
Speaker
Are Koreans retarded?
Controversial Conversations
00:03:55
Speaker
Can they be retarded? Anyone can. I feel like I'm pretty sick. That's a great question. Can Koreans be retarded?
00:04:01
Speaker
Yeah, they're called Chinese. They don't they don't fucking report their statistics over there. You know they don't They just make Kia souls. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that's about it You're that that moment can't trust the numbers over there. Can't trust the movies can't travel which is ironic cuz we're so good on them. Oh, yeah You guys are very good at numbers
00:04:25
Speaker
Give it up for a stereotype. How many minutes was that? Four minutes? Give it up for Koreans. It's how I feel every time a Korean walks in the room. I'm like, whoa. This is when big black women walk in. When a gigantic black woman walks in a room, it's like, yeah, right. That's my dad.
00:04:53
Speaker
That's what it sounds like for me putting my shoes on. Yeah. You ever notice every old boomer, old white boomer, every time they watch TV, they're like, it's all black. Why's everything got to be fucking gay? It's all Super Bowl commercial. Of course, the little girl's black. She's got two white parents. Yeah, what? What are you saying? The fucking male dude? You fucking mom fucked a male man? Yeah. Makes me sick. Yeah, it makes me fucking sick to my fucking stomach. I'm like, can you just watch the game? Can you watch Taylor Swift, please? Can you just never speak again?
00:05:23
Speaker
I think they should speak. I just think that they should keep it to that McDonald's table in the morning. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, a fucking, yeah. Keep that to a fucking egg McMuffin. Just a fucking hot black coffee, lidless, racist fucking conversation. Too equal. Old white guys love, they hate lids.
00:05:39
Speaker
they hate lids and they love fuck a lid they love to fucking equal yep to equal no fucking lid they live on the edge to the brim yeah like I went on the brim I ain't a fucking queer I don't need a lid oh yeah let me go lid also can I get a fucking pacifier though and I ain't wearing a fucking mask either what's next yeah first boys reacting yeah first it's a lid then my fucking wife's wearing her his job
00:06:06
Speaker
I did two semesters of college and now I'm Muslim. That's what they think is going to happen the second they go. Your kid ain't going to college in Raqqa, Syria. You're going to Raqqa? I'm backpacking Raqqa. I'm currently backpacking Raqqa. It's like that guy on Instagram. He's like, I'm going to eat raw chicken every day until I get a tummy ache.
00:06:31
Speaker
Oh my god, you'd get it on day one. That guy's been eating raw chicken for like six weeks. Jeez, and no tummy ache. Tell me, raw chicken with some hot sauce on it, and then he takes a martini glass, puts raw eggs in it, and eats the raw eggs. Oh my god. And he's like, I haven't had sex in four years. I eat chicken till my stomach hurts.
00:06:50
Speaker
A lot of things don't end if you just fuck something. A lot of these things end if you get to have sex, yeah. Just have sex. Having, getting to have sex and be intimate with someone will keep you from doing that weird shit. And we're at a point now where you can just get a silicone person to have sex with. Yeah, just fuck a fucking robot thing now.
00:07:07
Speaker
Get your robot, get your VR goggles, get your big plastic fucking sex toy, and fucking have at it all day long.
Tech Talk with Humor
00:07:16
Speaker
There's no reason to ever leave your house again already. Once meta opens up, you can really fuck with it. It's already open. I'm saying once it gets booming.
00:07:25
Speaker
More poppin than real world that's when I guy I think it's like right now at like the beginning stages But I see like a lot of peers of mine are like getting more via VR headsets So
00:07:47
Speaker
He's like, yeah, we're all going to medicine. Are you hitting it? And you're like, yeah, I'm all right. And he's like, are you sure? Fucking Queen Latifah is going to be there. Stone cold body stone cold head. Yeah.
00:07:59
Speaker
I'm gonna walk around Meta, I'm gonna have Triple H's body with Queen Latifah's head. That's who I am, that's who I believe I am. I think you look like Queen Latifah. Thank you. There's anybody in here that looks like Queen Latifah, it's probably you. Thank you. I'm sitting here like fuming. Are you gonna chill in Meta, or are you gonna go to the bar in Meta? I'm not doing anything in Meta. Are you gonna try to get some dick in Meta? Yeah, yeah. Cyber grinder. Yeah, cyber dick. Cyber grinder. Cyber nut. Pixel tinder. I'm gonna cyber nut. Eight butt.
00:08:27
Speaker
I mean, sending news in 8-butt. Yeah, you're just gonna walk around with a USB in your cockhole. I don't think it's too bad, though. It's not too bad until it's really bad. Well, I mean, it's like the... It's immediately already really bad. It's like Xbox Live. Like, you could have good experiences and bad experiences. Yeah, it took a long time for them to get the fucking shit together for Xbox Live, where it's like... Yeah. Can you call somebody's mom the N-word anymore? No. That was half of... Like, that was what middle school was, I thought, for.
00:09:02
Speaker
They talk to no one they just talk into their phone. They don't talk to each other They talk on into the phone, but them
Serious News Discussion
00:09:10
Speaker
talking to their phone is them talking to each other though Yeah, but if that's not it's not the same. It's everyone's vlog They're all talking until they put that Parkland video out and hear the guys like everyone's gonna feel my AR today
00:09:23
Speaker
Everyone's and he's like Angie if you're hearing this I'm gonna kill everyone in that fucking school. You're gonna hear me now You ever see the video the Parkland guy? Yeah, is that what he said dude? I didn't watch any of the stuff that happened to him I just remember seeing the shooting on the news I recently just watched like like all of this like criminal psychology shit yeah, and when he finally gets caught first he gives a McDonald's right after because he's just tuckered out murdering kids and
00:09:48
Speaker
He's like, I need a fucking... Imagine he walked in there and they were like... The last fucking double G I'm getting. He's like, I'm gonna... Is the ice cream machine working? No, he walks in there and they're like, breakfast is over. He's like, that's crazy because it just began. Yeah, it's crazy because I just fucking shot 17 kids, so I'm gonna get breakfast.
00:10:05
Speaker
That's crazy cuz hash browns now. Yeah fucking just nice blizz after fucking murdering kids But the cops the cops like go and they kind of like tackle him to the ground They like knock him down on the ground. He's laying there and like you could tell he's tried to act crazy He's crazy, but he's trying to act like he's like like he's like having like a meltdown and he's like Where am I? He's like, where am I?
00:10:27
Speaker
The demons and one cop just goes shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You fucking dick. Yeah, dude. The fuck. He was like Angie. He was like Angie. I'm gonna kill everyone at the school or like something like that. It was very weird video. They showed everyone in the court the video and it's just him watching it too. And he's like, damn, what are we feeling? Pretty good in that. Pretty nice in that. I was thinner back then.
00:10:54
Speaker
Six weeks before I was thinner back then I should I should I've got the McDonald's. Yeah, he's going to fucking jail Yeah, fuck that dude. He's gonna get fucked in the dickhole in jail. I hope so I guess what happens to people like that? They get murdered in jail. They don't go to the genpop. They stay in the general fucking Derek Chauvin in genpop. Did he die now? He didn't die now. He's like an Aryan fucking legend. Oh
00:11:18
Speaker
He's like the Triple H of Arians in there. They're like, whoa. No, he got like like attempt like they almost killed him. Oh, really? Yeah, like recently I was I wouldn't be surprised. I would if I fucking kill him I'm just surprised because if Derek Chauvin came to my prison and they were like get him I'd be like am I cool with you guys if I get him like well I get a couple green you know get some fucking brownie points with the black guys I'll get brownie points from the real brownies
00:11:47
Speaker
Yeah, he's gonna be somebody's gonna be Derek shoving it up his ass. You know what I mean? It's what I think of that joke. Right then, booper. Yeah, right in his ass. What, are you rolling a blunt? Did you choose to record to do this thing? You gotta keep looking that blunt for him? Well, I mean, yeah.
00:12:05
Speaker
Jim's rolling a marijuana blunt right now. Yeah. We're in California, by the way. Yeah. We're in Calabasas. We're in Calabasas. We're on Mars. We're on Mars. We're on Mars. Yeah, we're on Mars.
00:12:19
Speaker
How fast do you think you could learn an alien language? Not fast at all. I took Spanish one twice. I was about to say. I was in Hispanic. I was a hot teacher, right? A hot teacher. By the end of the semester, he was like, Tortuga. Yeah, I was like, Taco Bell. Tortuga. Remember Tortuga? Yeah, dude. Remember when I threw your sigs on the ground?
00:12:42
Speaker
Yeah, Jim threw my, he dumped my backpack out and all my cigarettes went everywhere. I was like, oh shit, they were fucking playing it on me. Set up, I'll take them now. Set up, let me get rid of them. I'm holding them for a friend that looks just like me after class. I'm holding them for me. I'm holding them for myself. I took Spanish two twice, or Spanish one twice. And I couldn't tell you a single, all I remember was Puedo y Ralbanio. So taking Spanish two, or Spanish one twice is basically like taking Spanish two once, right?
00:13:13
Speaker
I don't know, I'm bad. I guess I can understand it. I've done enough landscaping jobs where I understand Spanish in a way. I know when they're talking shit. I know when they're talking shit. Well, I feel like you could kind of get a vibe when anyone's talking shit, really. Yeah, you know when people don't like it. The only thing that I can't tell is Asian languages, because I feel like it's all the same tone.
00:13:36
Speaker
Uh... There's a lot of yelling. TJ, do them all. Do all the accents. All the accents? I'm not really good at Asian accents. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. I mean, I guess like... I'm like, stop pretending. Korean accents is like... Oh... No, that's more like Japanese. Japanese is like...
00:13:53
Speaker
I can't say the actual words. I can see I can see I can see kind of like the phonetics or like the sounds you do Chinese Chinese.
00:14:09
Speaker
Am I racist of my own kind? Yeah, that's more Korean. Yeah, Korean's just grown. They don't even talk.
00:14:31
Speaker
I think it depends on the person too. My Korean is pretty good. It sounds just like Korean. I would know. You sound like you've been in a war.
00:14:44
Speaker
That was very Muslim. That's not about Arabic. That sounds very Arabic. When I get a hold of this guy, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give him the fucking... I'm a big fan of that dude.
00:15:11
Speaker
We're at a mosque right now, by the way. Just let everyone know we're doing live from the mosque. Yeah. Live from the Apollo. Yeah. We're doing,
Humor in Social Commentary
00:15:20
Speaker
we're doing, we're doing a live podcast for just a mosque Muslims that didn't want us to do a podcast for them. Yeah, that's fine. We're at the Holy Land. Yeah. We're like, so Israel's moving forward with everything.
00:15:33
Speaker
It's the Jahadcast. Jahadcast. Do you think there is ISIS? Do you think ISIS has a podcast? Oh. They're like, yo, bro, the way you threw the rock in that girl's head, bro, that was no couch. That was no couch. And I swear to God, for a minute, she thought she wasn't going to get hit with a rock. They're like, yo, bro, that was no couch. Yo, I swear to God, I'm leaving here right now. I'm going to go right outside. I'm going to drop a piece of sidewalk on a baby head, bro.
00:16:03
Speaker
They're like, no, bro. Honestly, for real, it's just Muslim guys doing bottle flips. They're doing bottle flips. They're throwing darts at a fucking Joe Biden dartboard. The entire time, yeah. They're like, yo, bro, I was out at the club the other night. Obviously not a single woman was there.
00:16:20
Speaker
But I went outside, I saw a girl, and I saw literally a piece of hair come out of her. I beat the shit out of that bitch. Like, oh, bro. I swear to God, the other day, I was reading a book, right? And it was talking about letting this girl vote, right? So I went to the Capitol building with a bomb on. Yeah, we should just do a podcast called, like, Barstool from Rocca. Barstool Isis would be so much. Yeah, Barstool Isis is so good. Barstool Isis is so good. We just talking about drinking green tea, bottle flipping, punching girls in the face?
00:16:49
Speaker
I mean, that is pretty much Barstool. Barstool is ISIS. Just all four of us show up in a Mitsubishi with like four mismatched doors, four donut tires. Driving on two tires. Barstool Rockas. Rockas.
00:17:09
Speaker
Oh, man. Yeah, Barstool Damascus. Yeah. It's like, what do ISIS guys, because they are, they do bro out. They're men. Yeah. They're men, men. They're real men, Jim. All their shit is masculine over there. They're super masculine with their sandals. That's what I'm saying. Fucking dresses. They're like, yo, women are shit. Fucking, let me get my sandals. ISIS just took the little rascals too, literally. They just formed the He-Man, Mormon Haters Club, just as a country.
00:17:39
Speaker
Yeah. It's like imagine an entire religion based off the sandlot. Yeah. It is crazy. Like they like they'll have like they'll have like a radical dude on like a podcast. Sometimes I'm going to be like.
00:17:51
Speaker
That woman right there, they'll lock her up. He can't get his eyes off her. He's like, I'm not talking until she fucking puts something on. She has a sweatshirt on. She has a sweatshirt and a beanie on. He's like, that is disgusting. She's literally wearing a refrigerator box. You can't see her at all. She's like, I know it's a woman in there. There's a woman in that box. Cut her nose off. Cut her fucking nose. I want the fucking nose. They're like, bring me her nose. I want her nose in a bag. Dude, I do want to dress up like a Muslim woman just for a day.
00:18:18
Speaker
Just for a day. I wanted to. I think you're the first person to ever say that. I think a lot of Muslim women have said that. No, I think they say the opposite. They're like, just once, I would like to dress like Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, once. I just want to stop walking around the hottest part of the world in this big black blanket. Jesus fucking Christ. Apparently, it's very breathable.
00:18:39
Speaker
Yeah, I kind of want to like wear one. I'm like cuz like anything's breathable when you're running as fast as you can from a man trying to be Sure, you're fucking everything everything scared enough everything's breathable when you're fucking surfing a tank Hey get thrown off a balcony. There's a breeze They're getting thrown on balcony so it's a fucking wing suit
00:19:07
Speaker
The cars are such shit
Cultural References and Humor
00:19:09
Speaker
over there. They have fucking AAA for sandals. You like catch a pothole with your sandals. They get a blowout. They just sit there until AAA comes over. Does their nails. Puts another sandal back on. Jacks their leg up to get the sandal. Imagine kicking off a soccer game by murdering a woman. Remember when we watched the movie The Kite Runner? Oh my god. I read the book. I finger quote read the book too. Okay. I actually read the book.
00:19:36
Speaker
I read it like each day. Like I didn't read night. We did night with the Holocaust. I read that too. I think the reason I read the kite runners because I read night and I liked it. Yeah. I just remember in the kite runner, there's the rape thing that they had us watch in school, which was like, this is educational. I'm like, yeah, I had tons of education in the ass from another kid. I had our friend time. But it makes you in my class for that. And we all say it's like all that. All I learned from that was don't be friends with a guy named Hassan.
00:20:04
Speaker
They're like Hassan, and the whole book's like, Hassan rapes a little kid, then he goes to Baba, and Baba's like, well, don't be so scrumptious walking around Iran. You're the scrumptious one. I told you not to fasten your dress. Is that what you got from that book? Yeah. I told you to put socks on. Flying kites are getting fucked up the ass. I don't even want to look at you anymore. That's like the book. The book, the movie, I thought was really funny. It's not funny, but it was funny that the character Hassan
00:20:34
Speaker
went on to be a child molester, but he was like high up in the Taliban. Yeah. And the guy comes back to he comes back to rescue his basically his nephew and the nephew just got poached by Hassan, who's the fucking pedophile. And he's wearing it's so funny because he just looks like Andrew Tate. Yeah, he just has aviators on and he's like wearing like like the white blouse. Yeah, that book was that book was all right. It's a blouse blouse. I'm tired of calling t-shirts. It's a blouse.
00:21:05
Speaker
I think, yeah, I think a blouse is more like a silk kind of like light shirt. A blouse is like frilly. Yeah. A blouse. A blouse is like, what are you wearing? Okay, shirt. Okay, shirt. That shirt has a statement. Shirt has a fucking statement. TJ's vest. TJ's vest is amazing. You were sweating so bad eating chicken fingers. I felt so bad. That was so funny. I look over, he's like, he's like James Gandolfini sweating. He was literally, yeah. Yeah.
00:21:35
Speaker
Yeah, that hot sauce was fucking him up. I couldn't think, remember that song from, was it Fort Miner? It's 10% luck, 20% skill. I was just thinking TJ eating chicken fingers, thinking about that song. That's how I usually do it. I feel like what goes on in TJ's head is like a lot of Papa Roach. Papa Roach? Yeah. Cut my wife into it. This is my last resort. I do not use a fork.
00:22:05
Speaker
And it's just a video as you can smashing the calculator Do that a rink and park
00:22:57
Speaker
Oh man, so goddamn funny
00:23:07
Speaker
Let's get cancelled before we even put it in. This is why we can't podcast. This is why we can't podcast. We almost need to make the cover for this podcast a picture of TJ to prove that we have an Asian guy. It's literally going to be like a Biggie Smalls album, but it's TJ. It's just TJ. Yeah. All right. I'm done for that. I'll go for the catalogs. Or I should find a pic from the summer when TJ was jacked.
00:23:36
Speaker
So Jack dude, you're Jacked. I don't think I was that Jack. You were pretty fucking Jacked I think you also fucking put some sunscreen on too. You were getting that shimmer from the sunscreen Thank you, thank you. Oh, so Rankin Parkas. Oh my God. Rankin Parkas, so I breathe, I breathe it out dude. I'm throwing away. I'm throwing away. I'm throwing away. Oh, did you have no hypo scary? What's your name?
00:24:06
Speaker
So fucking funny dude. I can't wait for people to be like fuck I'm trying to be that trans girl I keep seeing on ticked out that goes to the she's like at like a college and she's fighting with that black lady. There's that black lady
00:24:23
Speaker
She's like, life's hard wearing a helmet. She's like a hard right wing black lady. Is it Candace Owens? Is it Candace Owens? I don't know. I don't really know much. I just, my phone thinks I'm 65. That's the only black girl like right wing I know, Candace Owens. Well, she's like talking and she's like calls the girl as she and the girl's like, hey, hey. And then they're like, wait, they're all like. They start speaking in tongues. Dude, they literally get crazy, Nazi zombies. They become Nazi zombies. I started calling those people Nazi zombies. Dude, that's what they are.
00:24:58
Speaker
Everyone yeah, that's literally what they hear with the Republicans before they go to college then they get an instant kill
00:25:15
Speaker
Watching a trans watching watching a rich watching a rich trans college fucking get all fired up It's awesome
00:25:27
Speaker
like sonic the hedgehog sonic the hedgehogs yeah because they eat diamonds yeah like there I saw this one and I'm not saying anything against trans people but I watched this trans this trans person in like fucking some court or some shit this is how much is how stupid I am some like room with suits
00:25:49
Speaker
I saw a bunch of trains in a bunch of rooms of suits But she was the girl was like I'm just gonna I'm just gonna let out a little bit of emotion Due to the trans genocide going on in this country and she starts like screaming like a Native American. She's like And they all start doing and she's like
00:26:07
Speaker
You did what you did! You did what you did! It's just an old guy with a podium. He's like, fuck off. What she and the rest of them, or they don't understand, is that that dude is just waiting for them to stop, and then he's just going to keep going, because that's the new strategy. Yeah, just let him. Let him finish, because they tuck her out, and then they go to sleep. They go hard. They go hard. This is why I've been telling people not to name their kid Aiden.
00:26:35
Speaker
Yeah, it's always a kid named Aiden. Yeah axler they turned in oh my god Shadley remember how many people we dealt with that were like it's my fucking dead name Yeah, dead name. I fucking took that name now back and shot at the fucking head. What is that dead name? I will no longer be known as Ashton. I am now Unicorn Christmas yeah, I'm like alright fine that my name is no longer John It's shadow
00:27:00
Speaker
I'm gonna change my name to Shadow. If I ever get a job at Starbucks again, I'm gonna change my name to Shadow. It's not John, it's Shadow to every single customer. Do you want me to put my finger in your coffee? Yeah.
00:27:15
Speaker
I'm like, this is brought to you by Donald J. Trump. Yeah, boomer anger. This is boomer podcast. This is boomer podcast. Sorry, I don't mean to be radical. I drank out of the hose today. I don't mean to be a radical, hard 65-year-old white guy, but I grew up drinking out of the hose. We used to run away from the pedophiles. I walked uphill all day forever.
00:27:37
Speaker
We used to suck off the pedophiles for comic books. Yeah. And if he came in your mouth, you were gay. Yeah. You're not going to tell your dad that. Yeah, you could. How could I? Yeah. Then I would never get your kids gay. Sign them up for baseball. I'd never get the keys to the car that way. Yeah, I never got the keys to the car that way.
00:27:54
Speaker
What are we talking about right now? We're doing boomer shit. This is a boomer podcast. This is a boomer podcast. We have a Korean boomer with us. Yeah, Korean boomer. Korean boomer. This guy loves this flag. Fucking love this flag, dude. TJ loves America, dude. How could you not? I love this one. I love it. Say more. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Say it again. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
00:28:21
Speaker
I wish we had, we should get a soundboard button where it's that girl going, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We should start doing that. We should join, no we should join in Philadelphia, we should join the, uh, that like, the Black Israelites dude. You want to join them? I want to join them. I want to be a part of every group. I want a person walking by going to work, I want to walk up with a picture of an abortion. Will they accept us? Yeah, like a fucking, like a Kodak picture of an abortion.
00:28:47
Speaker
I'm like, happy Monday, you fucking evil bitch. You ever see that? You ever see the pictures they have? I saw they photoshopped, they photoshopped a dumb truck dumping out fetuses into the ocean and it was just babies. It was just photoshopped infants that are like, eh. They followed into the ocean. They're like, you like this? It's them or car batteries. Pick.
00:29:09
Speaker
Those kind of problems. I want to like cause though. I'm gonna start those issues. Well. I mean I feel like if it was babies. It'll be better for the ecosystem Yeah, it's like save it. Don't dump the car better Dave. Yeah, dump the baby. It's better for the ecosystem Baby you gotta dump the babies yeah, we kill babies the baby and the bathwater It's crazy. We do kill babies in America all the time
00:29:31
Speaker
after they're born before they're born. My dad was convinced when Biden got in, he was like, look, now he's going to get in and now watch. They're going to start aborting babies six months after they're born. I was like murdering them. Like so if I killed a 30 year old man, that would still be considered a late term abortion.
00:29:49
Speaker
They're gonna start killing babies after they come out. I'm like with a stick like the hell They think of stuff like that then they tell each other that and then then it becomes the news Well, here's the thing if I if I take the lid off my coffee cup and tell my dad ain't he'll believe me
00:30:10
Speaker
I do don't care if he burn his upper lip. He's telling the truth That guy wouldn't lie to me. See how he has his cup. I don't trust the fuck gotta be good to be in that in that circle, though
00:30:20
Speaker
Oh, I'm a little
Generational Humor and Mishaps
00:30:21
Speaker
pussy. I need my little fucking mouth full. Don't want to burn my mouth. Don't want to burn my mouth. Whatever happened to taking a fucking sip anymore? Yeah, whatever happened to just putting the coffee in your hands and licking it out. Why's everything got to be a fucking suck hole? Everything's got to be a dick. Why can't I get a fucking mug or something? Yeah, I got a dick hole for you. I'm like, what did you want? Excuse me. I was just holding the door. I got a dick hole already. It's like, what are you fucking saying? I know. I can't wait to be that crazy.
00:30:47
Speaker
Well, I'm already that funny. I am already that crazy. I think it's more fun to be that crazy. I don't really agree with it. I like to think that I'm eventually going to be able to live my own rom-com. Yeah. I just can't wait to be in McDonald's at, like, 7 a.m., like, every morning, just a lidless coffee. And then some kid's going to roll in in, like, a cyber car. I'm going to be like... I'm going to be in... No, that's...
00:31:09
Speaker
Bitch. He's gonna walk by me like, fucking bitch. Yeah. I'm excited for that. Hell yeah. You're a fucking whore. Yeah. Dumb fucking whore. I got a video of my dad on my phone. This dude caught him off. He was giving me a ride home from work. And he, uh, he a fucking...
00:31:26
Speaker
This dude cut him off and he goes out there he goes You motherfucker fucking cockless fucking prick son of a bitch Cockless he likes to say you know you he likes to say you don't have a penis you don't got a dick Yeah, you're a cockless fucking Asian bitch. Yeah, he like so woman. It's just an old Chinese lady He's like if Alexander the Great was in a rap battle. It's not my dad just my dad would just do the you would get halfway out of the car and
00:31:55
Speaker
And then if the guy was actually about it, my dad would get right back in the car. When my dad watches the news, he goes, I'm going to be fucking bad. He's like, look, when this country, look, he goes, here's what's going to happen. You're all going to get fucking nuked in your lifetime. He goes, not mine. He goes, Laura fucking dead. He goes, he goes, your sister, her kids, Don toast, Don, your kids fucked. Korea owns the sun. They can hit the button whenever. Yeah.
00:32:21
Speaker
I want to make shit up like that and just manifest. They just say shit. My dad's like, look, we're in the end times. I'm like, that's kind of in the end times. It's always going to want me to see. I mean, if we go, if we go full meta, we might be over for my dad got dysentery and Honduras. I believe him. I believe him. He shit his. He almost shit himself to death in the jungle. Gotta be a way to go. Yeah. Shitting yourself to death. He's literally shit himself. It's not shitting.
00:32:47
Speaker
So much shit himself to death in the fucking jungle, you know, I could use fucking he's making coffee in an army helmet You know with that man I Hate right now is what they were putting in them army helmet that fucking retarded bastard. He was putting use the cigarette bolts and shit. So I'm saying they're awesome I thought I putting heads in those helmets at what point are we gonna start like like like?
00:33:13
Speaker
I saw those glasses that people are wearing now. I don't like them. Did you see them? I hate them. The goggles. Yup. The fucking Tron goggles. Hate them. I'm just gonna walk around and sack tap kids that are wearing them. Your fucking goggles off, dude.
00:33:27
Speaker
You see what I'm talking about? It's like, there's like virtual reality. They walk around and they literally have the predator fucking like, they have like a player hood. It's like the top. It'd be like life. I mean, gayness. Yeah, gay levels. Good gay levels. AIDS levels. AIDS levels. Gay levels. Butt. Butt levels. Yeah, but it's like fucking virtual goggles. The Apple and VR thing.
00:33:45
Speaker
Is it Apple? Yeah, yeah the Apple vision. I mean I don't mind it if it's like don't call it vision then people think it's not good What is it? It's Apple fucking like no no it is Apple. Okay. I hate that they like call it like it's a creepy Apple vision yeah, I mean I'm pulse they got your pulse. They got your fucking like you're wearing glasses. You're wearing sunglasses right now I'm assuming that they're gonna eventually get to the technology why not put a computer in front of my eyes all day I
00:34:11
Speaker
Yeah, so when I'm not looking at my computer at work, I'm gonna look at my eyeball computers And then when I'm not looking at those I'll be dead. I'll just be dead. Well, I mean work would give you eyeball computers I'll just be like getting yelled at by my boss just streaming porn What does what's that mean for porn and meta Porn and meta you think you're just be able to fuck all the time I'm not down with like met like like VR porn. That's so fucking weird. I watched it. It was pretty cool. It's cool Yeah, I watched I did I watched a POV threesome
00:34:39
Speaker
How does that work does it like you know sitting on the couch in the in the VR and three porn stars come walking in you could Look all around the room and they come up and they start blowing you okay, and then you get to fuck them Okay, well you don't the guy does you just watch from his head? And then you think you're that guy you just think you're that guy you're your VR It was weird because it was at my cousin's house and like the family was over he's like go check this out I put him on Yeah, see those are the guy like what are those?
00:35:05
Speaker
And it's not your eyes. It's a picture of your eyes. Yeah. I don't like that. And they're getting more comfortable with that because people won't stop. People won't stop. I don't know. I don't mind them.
00:35:22
Speaker
I think he's like, I have it already because like, it'd be really funny if you went for white guy eyes, like I can change my eyes. This is my ticket to the big time. This is my ticket to the big time. Finally, I get to be dumb and nobody's mad at me. Nobody thinks I'm an idiot.
00:35:59
Speaker
Dude you should you should take on a full-on like boomer Italian accent You're breaking my balls who fucking drank all the listerine
00:36:11
Speaker
Oh, the other day, speaking of Listerine, last week I woke up and I was so tired, I brushed my teeth, I took the Listerine, took three just hard gulps of it, and was like, fuck. I just swallowed it.
00:36:23
Speaker
Listerine she brings out and gulp gulp. Yeah. Oh my god. I was having spicy shits Oh, yeah, menthol. Oh, I feel like I was shitting like a koala. Oh my god. He swallowed that I swallowed three. I did that once I did that once and I fucking like I Couldn't stop shooting runs through you. I was shooting blue. I see yeah, I was shooting hot blue. I see Like it's like slush material
00:36:49
Speaker
Yeah. That shit is poison. Spicy Raz Ices. Yeah. Blue ice. Blue spice. That booty's thinking. That booty's thinking. Spicy's. That booty meant beat is the fucking greatest thing. It's so good. I do like that. It's so good. I'll keep cooking for this cast. I do like that. Yeah, dude. Yeah, we were talking about top five comedies.
00:37:17
Speaker
Top five comedy movies of all time? Top five comedies of all time. Told you this is a hard one. It's the hardest one. You've got to go decades. Because it's like, there's levels to it. There's like slapstick versus like rom-com, you know what I mean? Yeah, genres. Genres, I like rom-coms. Rom-coms? Yeah, because I was a poor kid. That's like all I had was like rom-coms. Yeah, that's a lot. I still think my life's a rom-com. Really? Why so many rom-coms though?
00:37:40
Speaker
because my mom like rom-coms and they were just always on. Okay. Like you can catch a rom-com like AMC. That's true. You can catch them on like my PHL. Yeah, there is like all kinds of shit. My PHL was the shit. I watched everything. I watched everything, dude. I was home from school. I was just at my mom's house. I'll just watch like, I watched Sex and the City when I was a kid. Like I watched whatever my mom or my aunt was watching. They never filtered anything from me. So I just watched what they watched. I watched Yoda the Restless and shit.
00:38:04
Speaker
I never watched that. My mom watched it for 35 years and couldn't tell you a single fucking thing that happened to it. She would just go, this is TV, I just look at this. She's like, it's what normal people do. She didn't, all she watched was the local news. And then just in her head was just, if you go outside, you're gonna get murdered. Well, that's what the local news tells you. That's all it is. So you keep watching, you stay inside and you keep watching the news. King of Queens. That's, yeah, I grew up on that shit. Sitcom is where we at.
00:38:35
Speaker
I think the number one sitcom out of all of those sitcoms we grow up watching, I'll say King of Queens is my favorite. Under that is Two and a Half Men. According to Jim was great. Also what did George Lopez is also phenomenal. Why? What's your favorite? They're all good. You're naming good ones. They're all Chuck Lure. I got. I hate the big bang theory.
00:39:00
Speaker
Sunny. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I thought you're talking like the like left, like, you know, left track and like one set stage. One of these. Yeah, I guess I put them all in the same thing because I was thinking like Malcolm in the middle. Half hour. Yeah. I'm talking about like half hour. Half hour short show. Yes. Episode like episode. We're talking like we're talking like like, yeah, I'm talking like King of Queens. Yeah.
00:39:26
Speaker
Yeah, those yeah, that's a sitcom. Yeah sitcom. That's like a normal meat and potatoes sitcom Yeah, when then there was like Modern Family The Office those types of shows about in the middle those were like no laugh track was a sitcom I'm talking like the laugh track like like a Seinfeld kind of show Yes, I'm fine. It's Seinfeld can Queens George Lopez. My wife and kids was awesome. I love my fetus face is like the funniest fucking fetus face The best episode ever he's got he's got got the balloon
00:39:52
Speaker
You're watching eight simple rules. I did not like that. I didn't like it. I like the ground for life ground for life dude. That's so trash You like flannels it is flannels a whole family of flannels flannel sig beers
00:40:11
Speaker
Roseanne. Roseanne was phenomenal. Two and a half men. So good. Two and a half men was really great. Rose was great. Rose just jumped off the porch. She never walked through the door. She would just jump off the porch. Second floor. Berda. Zippy. Zippy. Zippy. The kid.
00:40:29
Speaker
Angus T Jones. We watched him grow up in the end of it. Ew, we freaked out. It got sick. It got sick. I watched a lot of like, I watched cheaters as a kid. I did. I watched that too. I watched the shit out of the cheaters. I would never, I would never do that. I was, what, cheat? Yeah. I think you might like never meet Joey Greco. I would also never do that. Joey Greco looks like he fucking fucks kids. He does. He looks like he fucking fucks children. Joey Greco, Joey Greco, that's a name that sounds like it fucks kids.
00:40:57
Speaker
Joey Greco fucking fucks kids Let's just pick a new person every every week to be like this guy
00:41:09
Speaker
Yo, he I already fucked a kid so funny her Travis Kelsey fucked Travis you're hearing this I know about that kid Try catching the sports ball now you kid fucker
00:41:37
Speaker
That's what Shannon Sharpe's podcast is now. Kat Williams went on there and was like, everyone's a fucking industry plant and everyone's stealing jokes. Kat Williams is like, listen, I read about 2,000 books.
00:41:48
Speaker
And I'm real articulate about how I'm feeling yeah, so you need to lay off the cosmic brownies before you talk to me girl Yeah, I fucking hate that little kid you fucked
00:42:08
Speaker
He's like, listen up sweetie, I just read, I just read Huck Finn. I just read that book. I read every single Bernstein Bears book there was. I fucking can't stand him. I want to rip his Jerry Crow out and tell him he fucks kids.
00:42:25
Speaker
That's my new move by the way, that's my new move if somebody tries to like come at me in a store like be confrontational I'm gonna be like you're here to meet up with a six-year-old girl This guy's here trying to fuck a little girl this guy's trying to fuck a little girl fucking imagine It's so much better than getting into a fistfight It's a million times better than getting away from you just came here to fuck my little brother
00:42:58
Speaker
That's the best defense ever if someone ever comes at me, I'm gonna be like yeah, I know but that little kid you fucked
00:43:04
Speaker
That's the best move ever. Facebook? Just go on there and be like, yo, I'm on to you. They're like, what? Like if someone at work calls me fat again, I'm going to be like, all right, you little fucking pedophile. Yeah, I know what you did. Don't even say what they did. I know what you did. I know what you did. I know what you did. I know what you did. I know what you did.
00:43:24
Speaker
Guess what? I'm Lizzie, by the way. I'm Lizzie from Kick, by the way. You're like, what? Yeah, yeah. I know all about you. Do you ever watch people like pedophile catchers on YouTube? I see them like accidentally. I don't see them on purpose. Shout out Skeed Hansen. Have you ever get a chance? God forbid he ever hears this. Shout out Skeed Hansen. God forbid. This dude's like a huge fan of Chris Hansen. This guy's a huge fan of Chris Hansen. He's like a big six foot five black dude. He does the Lord's work on YouTube.
00:43:54
Speaker
They should catch these motherfuckers. He baits pedophiles and he used to meet them in Walmart and then he got banned from Walmart. So now he has so many viewers and so much money and sponsors that now he'll just go to a city for a week, get the Airbnb and use that as a sting-op.
00:44:09
Speaker
and we'll just round these pedophiles up. Like, he'll get them. So he's so good at what he does. He's so good at it, and he's so funny. And it'd be so funny. Like, it's like his style is, like, he talks super nasty. He does. Well, he, no, so like... It's so funny. That'd be so funny. He has a girl who works in the world. He's the best at getting pedophiles horny. That's crazy. It's like, what are you good at, Skeet? He's like, well, I'm real good at getting these pedophiles horny, because I know what they want to hear. It's like, they tried to outsource my job.
00:44:38
Speaker
Yeah, he's like- But they could never do what I did.
Dramatic and Humorous Storytelling
00:44:41
Speaker
He's like, listen, Chris Hanson was real good at it, but he never did the, I squicked my knee. Yeah, but he'll get people to come over and he'll have the chick. Like the chick will go far. The chick will go far enough to get the dude to get in the bathtub. And then after he gets in the bathtub, that's when he comes in. He'll come in dressed as a wizard. Like, what are you doing? The guy's like,
00:45:03
Speaker
What are you doing? No, I'm just here to make sure that she's, they're always here to make sure. I gotta get naked in her house to make sure that she's of age. I gotta make sure there's pizza. There's one guy, this one guy fainted. He fake fainted in Walmart and laid there for 20 minutes playing possum. And everybody's like, get up. They're like, you're not knocked out. Like you just, that was the slowest fall to the ground. It was the safest way to faint. The one dude's laying there and at one point the camera, he doesn't have the cameras on him. He just peeks one eye up and goes back.
00:45:34
Speaker
He finally gets up and goes, where am I? I don't remember wanting to fuck that kid. That wasn't me. That's the scariest stuff on the internet. People at Walmart are like, yo, get up. They call it paramedics. And as soon as the paramedics show up, he's like, nah, I'm good actually. I don't, yeah. I did that. I want to fuck that kid. No, I did that. Me and Jim got into a car accident and Jim faked throwing his back out.
00:45:58
Speaker
rolled out of the car under the ground, and the cops were like, he's a fender bender, dude, are you all right? And Jim gets up, and they're like, all right, we're calling a paramedic. Paramedics shows up, and they pull the gurney out, and Jim goes, nah, Jim shot up off the ground. Jim did like 12 back hands for you, and he's like, nah, we're like, I'm good. Check this out, look, I'm showing you, I'm showing you, look. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
00:46:18
Speaker
Jim did like a head spin and was like, I'm good. My spine's perfect. Actually, I have good spine disease. Whoa, that gurney's a miracle. It healed me. Whoa, seeing that gurney and watching them try to put me in this fucking truck really made my back feel better. They show up with a bear trampoline.
00:46:37
Speaker
I'm like, wait a minute, why is there a unicycle? They showed up with a unicycle on a fucking beach ball? Yeah, the ambulance is stuck in traffic. We've got Ringling Brothers coming. It was so funny. Jim's like, where's the gurney? He turns around, they shoot a net at you. They put the dog pole on you? They put the dog pole in there.
00:47:04
Speaker
Jim rolled out of the car as if somebody just lit the car up with an AR. He got out and was like... He took a couple shots. So funny.
00:47:13
Speaker
That was so goddamn funny. You saw that ambulance. You were like, wait, I can't go straight home after this. No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. They were like, what did you hurt? I was like, my fucking knee. He was like, he was like, he was like, norm pit. They were like, what's a norm pit? I'm like, my back. He was like, he's like, he's like, my, my elbow nail. I'm like, what? I gotta go.
00:47:36
Speaker
Yeah, dude, and then I fucking I had a steak in there I brought home from work and then like two weeks later We went back to the junkyard to look at my car and the steak was in there Oh, the steak was like alive at that point Let me roast let me roast so close to hell
00:48:09
Speaker
That's how that's how my girlfriend's car is dude my girlfriend like she just she like decorate decorates the backseat of a car with sizzly eggs It's a bone yard back there for sizzlies it's like literally there's like zombie sandwiches back there and the sandwiches have become like mummified in the wah wah rat the wah wah box and then when you open them they're like
00:48:35
Speaker
They're disgusting. Women's cars are disgusting.
00:48:38
Speaker
Yeah, and I've heard people go messy car in nice place. I'm like messy car and a messy place Yeah, we go like two weeks before I scoop the litter box it goes from being a litter box to a fucking cat box Yeah, it's cat box Yeah, now I bought this litter for $35. I'm like oh, it's glittery so our place can smell like shit, but it's good
00:49:07
Speaker
beautiful shit a fairy came overnight and dropped not one but three pieces of beautiful shit fairy came again to believe it how blessed are we the four balls dropped another fucking princess dog
00:49:33
Speaker
I think a mermaid put the shit in there. Two more. Two more. I got you that tiara you want. Put it with the collection. It just looks like, yeah, it just looks like good. It looks like, like imagine three cat turds at the Grammys. Like what are you wearing? Like I'm wearing tidy cat and the bottom is.
00:49:53
Speaker
The top part is Tidy Cat, and the bottom is actually Fancy Feast. Hey, who are you wearing? I'm like, it's odor crystals. Yeah. I've been giving my cats raw legs. Quail eggs? I've been giving them raw quail eggs, and then my cat Valerie had diarrhea. And she's like, I think they're getting diarrhea. And I was like, it's all right. It's beautiful shit. I was like, it's cool. The crystals will get it up. Did the crystals get on it? Give the crystals 10 minutes. I walk past it. I'm like, I spent $35. It's not going to make the poop disappear.
00:50:25
Speaker
$35 because I for a little bit I was getting the litter from fucking right aid because I was being lazy I was getting like the right aid litter and like the box is like good litter The box is like this is good. It'll do for now This will clump up you got a nice good piss rock Got a nice fucking boulder of piss
00:50:49
Speaker
This place smells like shit in the litter, don't look that bad. Don't look that bad. This litter right now looks like I went to Michael's for this litter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like pretty dumps.
00:51:02
Speaker
Like this litters are glittery looks like Taylor Swift can get out. I just have a piece of it. I bet you she eats cat shit. She eats cats shit. She also eats little kids too. She definitely eats like a fucking baby's arm. Yeah, I've decorated. I've decorated a cat turd or two. Yeah, but I will say it stays in the box is growing up when I was a kid there would be my cat was shit in his hand and put it and stick it down on the antenna. Fucking poodle bull dude. Yeah, yeah
00:51:31
Speaker
I feel like with cats, it's like having kids. I'm like, that's two. I got two and I'm done. Got my tubes tied. I got my cat tubes tied.
00:51:42
Speaker
If I had a house, I would get a bunch more cats, but how many fucking cat boxes are you gonna have? You know what I mean? What about a dog? People are like, oh, you need two litter boxes. I'm like, I'm in a one-bedroom apartment. You get a dog, you don't get to go anywhere ever. Really? You got a dog, you can't go anywhere unless you bring your dog. Really? Yeah, you go away for the weekend. Me and her couldn't go to the shore for the weekend. Oh, someone's gotta come by and make sure my dog shits. Can you go watch some shit? Yeah.
00:52:10
Speaker
What can't the cat watch him my cat's got a cat box Oh Cat box is good as fucking pizza. It's a box is so fucking funny the pizza box I think about pizza box so much. I'm like oh it's a box. It's a box pizza box I think I don't want anyone in the context of that pizza box It's a box
00:52:37
Speaker
Yeah. I have been feeding my cats a lot better, though. Yeah? Well, you'd be good. I was giving my cat, Rachael Ray, chicken and fish lentils, and she's starting to look like Rachael Ray, which is not good. Yeah. Rachael Ray. I've been giving my cat food. Yeah, Rachael Ray has her own line of cat food. It's like kibble, but it's lentils. They're little chicken and fish lentils. And my cat destroys them, but the cat's starting to look like Rachael Ray. It's bringing fat in the face. Interesting. And fucking little kids. Yeah.
00:53:04
Speaker
So I started putting minnows. I started giving him minnows. He likes minnows. I feed him like a king. I treat them like royalty, except for the cat box.
00:53:13
Speaker
Well the cat box, listen, you fucking put the glittery fucking shit in there. I put the $35 stuff in. Yeah, yeah, I'm like this. I want him to enjoy the cat box. I want to see the turds. I want to see the turds. I want to see the turds. I want to look at them. I'm not just doing a box of sand. It's pretty sand, no. It's a beauty. I want my friends to go by, but that's a beautiful shit. Nice turd. Thank you, my beautiful baby angel made a glittery dump. My beautiful baby angel. My queen made a princess dump. My queen made a princess dump.
00:53:42
Speaker
I think, I feel like the cat, whenever they go to the litter box, it'll just be like, oh, it's like new tiles, you know? It's like you renovate the bathroom. Well, you go in there. If I always dump out, I don't ever clean it out. I just want to get full and then I dump it out and get another bag of cat litter, like an idiot. As soon as I dump it in there, both of them go in there and they just situate it. They're like, I'm going to shit, like I call this corner. I'm going to shit here and use shit on that side. And they go in and they adjust it. You ever see a cat, you ever see a stray cat shit somewhere?
00:54:11
Speaker
They'll pull mulch over it. Yeah, I used to have like hybrid remote cats. They would go to the office. You had a cat halfway else. Your cats were working at the gas station. Literally all of my cats worked at Exxon. Your cats were like all working together to get enough money for a liquor license. I had a Rottweiler that managed an Eckerd.
00:54:32
Speaker
The fact that you guys were poor, hoarded, and had a Rottweiler is the funniest. Like a Rottweiler's like a mascot for a hoarder house. Yeah. Yeah. He keeps the whole thing together. He keeps the entire thing rough. Yeah. Rough. You can rough it there. Yeah. Because your parents were like, what's missing? Oh, wait. We should have a Rottweiler that thrashes up styrofoam plates and air. Yeah.
00:54:54
Speaker
It's so fucking funny. It's awesome. It's good. I was also a trial of orders. So like, I, we doubled up on it. We doubled up on it. We have a lot of styles too. Like our parents are great artists. We have like a lot of styles in common. Yeah. Yeah. I was about to say, I was about to say puke on the step. Puke on the steps is phenomenal. Human puke on the step is when you got to move. Yeah. You go, wait a minute. Am I a cat or a person? Am I a cat or a fourth grader? Did any birthday cakes get thrown at in your life?
00:55:22
Speaker
No, but we did one time. My dad was freaking out. My parents were like pawning me off to my grandmother the weekend. They were like, get going. I'm like, I love you too. And my mom, we had a frozen roast beef in the freezer. And my dad's like, make sure mom gets a fucking roast beef.
00:55:39
Speaker
And for some reason, I was like 12. I had the roast beef. I walked by him. It was frozen. He was sleeping. It was so hot in my house. My dad was just naked, just in boxers. I dropped the frozen roast beef on his chest, and it shot him up. He got in my face and was freaking out at me. And then on the way out, he javelin tossed a roast beef at me and went over my shoulder and hit the door. That's the only thing that's ever really been thrown from them. Oh my god. We never threw a birthday cake, though. So this one year, I
00:56:10
Speaker
I don't remember what I said, but I made my dad freak out during my birthday and he threw my cake like across the room and I was like, thanks dad. And then I got yelled at and then we went to ACME and we got an apology birthday cake.
00:56:30
Speaker
We got my dad's name on it! On my birthday! Happy birthday, Jimmy! Happy birthday, Jimmy! Yeah, no, there was no song. We gave my dad an apology cake. That was supposed to be my birthday cake. And then he threw it at the wall and it hit one of the light switches. Turn the light off! Turn the light off!
00:56:58
Speaker
And that's how dude perfect was created I was like, let's go to therapy. Yeah, you dad did a fucking dead kitten flip on the table
00:57:24
Speaker
You ever think of fucking back to the fucking Isis dude just takes a chopped off woman's head and flips it and lands neck up
00:57:35
Speaker
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Yeah, they're like fucking, dude, have you ever seen an ISIS murder video? A dead kitten flip is the fucking crazy. Just like a bottle flip of dead kitten. Let's go! Let's go! Let's fucking go! How bad is this person? That's so funny, dude. Your dad invented Dude Perfect.
00:58:03
Speaker
Yeah, so that light became like the cake light. It just never cleaned the cake off it. No one ever did it. It just had blue icing on it. It was like an Oreo cake and there was like an Oreo like... Jim, why doesn't your light switch work? It's like we got icing in it like a week ago and it's just hard now. That's the type of shit that we would get into is fucking like, oh, why doesn't this work? There's cat poop in the TV. I moved to Havertown in third grade and we...
00:58:25
Speaker
We like left that house when I was in sixth grade. Yeah, fuck in in the first year We live there our oven broke and my dad took all of the all of the stuff that was on the stove He threw it in the oven with the stuff in it. Yep, and then no one ever. Oh, I didn't know he did that comes a pan shelf. Oh
00:58:43
Speaker
It's just, so when we were like in our last year of living there, I was like, I wanted to open the oven. I opened the oven and like this, this pot of mashed potatoes was like full of blue fur. And it was like, it was like the craziest looking thing I've ever seen in my life. There's just.
00:59:03
Speaker
I hear that. That's what it sounded like. I did the same thing before we moved out of Overbrook and we came here. We had a dishwasher. And it's funny because my parents did that kind of thing where like an appliance would break and they were like... Fill it, fill it. They take the hat off and they fucking bury it. They just bury the appliance. They're like, well, that was our dishwasher. Fill it now. I'm like, that thing broke in like 99. Yeah. Before we left the millennium. We left in 2012.
00:59:27
Speaker
2011-2012 and before we left, I remember I had a- I put a Digimon sticker on it and my dad was like, don't fuck with the washer! I'm like, it's fucking dead! That thing? That thing? So I- before we left, we opened it and I literally- I saw that fucking Demogorgon dude, there was a black mass in there and then I'm like- Yeah!
00:59:51
Speaker
It was so scary in there. There might as well have been a head in there. It was a head. It's a Muslim woman's head in there. Dude, I see it all the time. Dude. Yes. Trauma bombing is my favorite. I love doing it. I love when we do that. I didn't realize how it's funny because years after being friends, we realized we had a lot of the same traumas. We didn't get into it. We just became friends, just goofing.
01:00:16
Speaker
Because I think we just both, we just both drink a lot of soda. Yeah. We're like sodas are good. I think eventually we drank so much soda that we went, how come you're fucking hitting it so hard? I'm like, I'm hitting it hard because I never had any safe water to drink. I'm like, let me do. Yeah. I remember being so thirsty. Sometimes I would go into the bathroom and drink right out of the sink. And then afterwards it would be like, I ate a fucking mouthful of pennies, dude.
01:00:39
Speaker
I'm like, I hate water. I used to sleep at my grandmother's house and scream cries while I got birch beer. She was like, I have a glass of water. I'm like, it's fucking white. You ever see tap water? It's got the white haze in it. You know what I'm talking about? It's like got white haze and what is that AIDS? Probably. Fuck. I got AIDS. Yeah, I like soda, but I'm trying to get off of it.
01:01:05
Speaker
It's harder than fint. It's harder than fint. Let me be the first to tell you. Freaking diet sodies. I like Diet Coke. I would love a Diet Coke. People that drink, people that drink Diet Coke though, I know it's tasty for us, but I think regular Coke is better than Diet Coke because everyone who I see drinks Diet Coke is a literal blimp. It's just a room with a face in the middle of the room. It's just an entire room and just a face in the middle of the room, just the entire body.
01:01:29
Speaker
I like Diet Coke, though. Diet Coke's good. I think it's good. It's good for Hangover, too. It's one of my vices. Is it really? Yeah. I thought one of your vices was like McDonald's. You love McDonald's. Yeah, I mean, that's where I get the Diet Coke. You eat McDonald's like it's your only week here from Korea. Yeah.
01:01:49
Speaker
You're like, this sweet and sour ain't even sweet and sour. I go hard. You do go hard. And I appreciate your hospitality, because you'll show up with 10 cheeseburgers. You're like Trump, dude. You're Mr. T, dude.
01:02:04
Speaker
You'll show up with 10 burgers. You'll show up with a Carvel cake. You'll be like, yeah, I want Carvel cake. Two. Two. You're the treat, Meister. Hell yeah, dude. He's the snack, he's the snackaholic. He's the snackaholic. I'm very snackaholic. I like snackaholic. You're Jack, though. Like, I eat shit and my metabolism sucks. I eat whatever I want. And then like three weeks later, I'm like, I feel like precious. TJ takes like eucalyptus branches and whips his fucking abs. Yeah, he does. While he sleeps on a wooden board. He just fucking just...
01:02:31
Speaker
I'm going to get in the house. His dad has to smack him in the face. Yeah. I gained a lot of weight. I've been back at like, uh, almost like the heaviest I've ever been. Oh really? Yeah. I went back to like the two 40 marks. I've been trying to, I looked really good. I was down to what I lost 50 pounds throughout the summer. And then I literally got back into my relationship and gained 20 pounds.
01:02:53
Speaker
I was like, fuck. That's what I'm trying to do for the summer, like back to July 4th. That's my goal. Fall in love and get hurt. Fall in love and get hurt. Fall in love and get hurt. Nothing will be tasty anymore. Yeah, do that. Open my heart up. And then turn the shower on really hot and jerk off in the steam. You'll literally sweat like 100,000 calories, dude. People were like, how'd you lose the weight? I was like, beating off. I was like, jerking it. Whoa. Were you on your phone now? Were you losing the steam? No. Jim's texting.
01:03:21
Speaker
I didn't I didn't I mean we are at an hour and three minutes. Yeah. Oh, I think we did it As long as you keep going as long as you can cut out that Travis Kelsey fucking little kids part I mean that is kind of fun. What happens if that's come like what happens that that comes out? Eventually when I fuck Taylor Swift, it's not gonna look too good cuz this podcast taking off And what if Travis wants to be boys in me? What if you want what if I want to also act like a black guy like he does?
01:04:01
Speaker
What the fuck is that yeah, are you from Ohio? Yes, shouldn't he be talking like this? He's from Cincinnati. He said we gonna go to Las Vegas. We gonna get us on the wall. I was a guard shaft. Oh
01:04:31
Speaker
I don't get the hype of them
01:04:33
Speaker
I don't give a flying fuck. He's a good football player, right? I don't know. He's an all-time great football player. He's an all-timer? Oh, yeah. He's the best at it. What's he doing with that bony zilch? She's a billionaire. She's a billionaire, but still, that doesn't matter to men. He had a fucking bodacious fucking Carmelito.
01:04:50
Speaker
This won't last this is a fling this is a fling and she's gonna be like this next album is gonna be like called like like like like Toilet it's gonna be chief. It's gonna be like the chief and it's gonna be like this is why you don't date jocks It's like no you fucking bony hunchback Fuck out of here use fucking thick models before fucking red. Ew you're from Reading you look like an old British man. Oh
01:05:15
Speaker
I like Taylor Swift's music, I really do, and my girlfriend's obsessed with it. I like Taylor Swift, she looks like an old bony British guy.
Music and Performance Commentary
01:05:22
Speaker
All she does, we watch that, so like for my girlfriend's birthday, for literally for, we're on the way home from Fogo, and she's like, so, can we watch the Taylor Swift live thing? I'm like, yeah, I feel bad, you didn't get to go, you didn't get to go. It's expensive to go with a summer, let's watch it, right? So I buy it for 25 bucks. I bought worse things for 25 bucks, but like,
01:05:42
Speaker
the entire three hours she came out and like all she did was do that strut that like catwalk back and forth she's like here's another song every song had like a meaning to it she's like um sometimes like you know like reputation that place must have stunk like sourdough pretzels
01:06:04
Speaker
All that muff all that muff heat Yeah Febreze muff My god, you know there were some whales there
01:06:23
Speaker
At one point, at one point, all women are queens. All women are queens. All women are queens, yeah. All right, tight tight. Okay. All right, tight tight. It was like all chicks that won the Grammys, which I was like, every song that people won in the Grammys, I was like, I did hear that song every single day. Like Billie Eilish did the What Was I Made For, which was in Barbie. Yeah. That was a big song. That's a good song. Miley. Do you like our music? Oh, I love Billie.
01:06:47
Speaker
I think that song's good. I saw it. It was in Barbie. That was the scene in Barbie. I love Bill. I love Bill. I love Bill. Bill O'Reilly. You mean Billie with the big moves? Bill O'Reilly-ish. I like Bill O'Reilly-ish. I love the O'Reilly factor. That's a great sitcom, too. It is. Fuck it. We'll do it live. Yeah. It's like, relax. You're not that important. Billie Eilish won. Miley Cyrus got flowers.
01:07:10
Speaker
Which is good, and she did her hair like Dolly Parton, and I was like, what a fucking strong woman. I'm like, yeah, guess what? You're so strong. Unless I got in front of her, I'm like, here's a bag of junk, you fucking scaghead, and she'll just take it. Here you go. You fucking scaglet. Jesus Christ. Fuck her, dude. I thought it was good. Her performance was good, too. She did by herself. She's my favorite. I didn't realize Dua Lipa was hot. I don't know who that is, but she sounds cool. She made the song,
01:07:42
Speaker
in the Barbie song in the beginning I didn't realize she was hot Miley Cyrus looks like Jim Caviezel in the fucking Passion of the Christ dude Miley Cyrus looks like Christ Miley Cyrus looks like Jim Caviezel in Passion of the Christ we kind of look alike honestly I think you look just like Miley Cyrus Billy one and then obviously they're like artists of the year
01:08:05
Speaker
Bluford Glamler. Yeah, it would be so funny if they were like artists of the year. For his hit song... For his hit song...
01:08:30
Speaker
That would be the funniest ending to the Grammys ever. They'll be like, and he just comes up with a woman's head in his head. It's tipped in gold.
01:08:58
Speaker
And I can buy myself flowers It's so funny they did that thing and like they had they did the thing this year where they did like the new the new award is a
01:09:11
Speaker
The new awards afro beats. Yeah, and they were like best afro beat goes to like brababru juju And then people are like this is like healing me This is healing me healing me and like Trevor now is like oh my god The ace black and me is freaking out right now. I just like I can't stand him. I can't stand him. I like him. I think he's a fucking dickhead He fucks little kids probably
01:09:46
Speaker
He's a fucking crybaby, I just want this thing I just want people to understand that we're just joking like this it's just a dramatized this is just like this is like if you put a microphone up to a pool table
01:10:03
Speaker
Bullshit this is pinball This is like if you like put a step like us like a very like a like a very powerful like macro microphone up to a water bear This is like three amoebas talking. I mean this is what it's like to live in like a Haritas
01:10:23
Speaker
Just three fucking little water bears swimming in a harrida. Have you plugged a lie detector into a fucking cheesesteak? Yeah, I'm completely kidding. I'm trans. I know. I'm trans. Siberian Orchestra. The crazy thing is, we're three young black women. We're three young black women. My name is Demarzkas.
01:10:43
Speaker
When they did that when they did the afro beat thing watching Taylor Swift try to like react to like African pop She was like, okay my jam my jam. I'm feeling this bruv I'm feeling that African guy
01:10:56
Speaker
You know what's funny about it? The fucking song sucked dick. This is healing me. The song sucked dick. The dude was like, I know this song sucked dick. He took 15 minutes. People were like fucking like, shit, shit. She was healing me. Meanwhile, like Billie Eilish, she was like, I'm just a girl. My pussy smells bad.
01:11:17
Speaker
My sleeves are so long. Ugh, girls love putting their hand in the sleeve and eating a little bit of frozen yogurt. Girls are like this all the time, dude. Girls that really eat like this, they're like, teacup. They're like, what if I did if I just, like, like, I don't know. What if I, like, pooped? What if I farted right now? Yeah, but there was people that were bitching about the Grammys. There was people bitching about, like, a lot of women winning, and I was like, there really wasn't a guy hit at all this year.
01:11:41
Speaker
Yeah, I mean it was all girls. Yeah. All the guy hits were just NFL players beating ladies up. We're going to Vegas. We're going to get us another one. Holy. All right, Bernie Mac. He was like, yeah, man, that's cool. Why are you talking like that? Your brother. All right, James Brown.
01:12:08
Speaker
Why is he talking right here? Why does he have a big skillet full of corn bread? Breaking news, Travis Kelsey gets possessed by Steve Harvey. He was like, I'm going to get us on the horn. Yeah, boy. He was like, how do you feel about getting to the Super Bowl?
01:12:27
Speaker
He's like, when you get in a relationship, form a two-handed circle. Don't let your mama involved. Don't let your friends get involved, because they're going to ruin it for everybody. They're like, all right, sorry. He got possessed by an old black guy. Is that cool? People think he's cool, right? Travis? What? Oh, I thought you got that gang possessed by an old guy. Who's gang possessed by Steve Harvey? White men aren't cool. Travis Kelce is. White dudes are not cool. Travis Kelce talks to a cool black guy. They've never been cool.
01:12:57
Speaker
Okay, white dudes be cool. Unless I'm cool, white dudes. Do you think there's cool white dudes? Name one. One cool white dude. Isn't Timothy Chalamet like kind of cool? No. He's about as cool as like a butt plugs cool. Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk's pretty cool. Tony Hawk's cool. Yeah. He's a dude. Tony Hawk's been doing a lot of podcasts too. Tony Hawk's cool. Yeah. Tony Hawk's cool. Jack Black's cool. Jack Black's cool. I would love to talk to Jack Black. I also want to listen to cool black. Real quick, I want the listeners to know, I'm just kidding.
01:13:24
Speaker
Yeah, you love it. Oh, shut up. I'm just kidding. No, I'm just saying like I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm just kidding. I just graduated an old girl college. I'm just kidding. I'm fucking juke. I'm juke. Oh, volleyball captain. I literally literally hate women so much. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I hate women. I'm kidding. Nothing friggin matters.
01:13:47
Speaker
We're getting dead air. We don't do dead air, dude. No dead air? We can keep talking. We can power through this. We're getting better at this. We definitely got better at this. I'm just sitting back for the ride in this one. Isis Oscars is fun. Isis Oscars.
01:14:04
Speaker
And the award for best artist of the year it goes to. They're like, did he go for it? They're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
01:14:31
Speaker
Taylor's like, I love him. It's healing me. It's the bomb. It's the bomb. It's sonically rich. Sonically rich and it's devilishly articulate.
01:14:43
Speaker
It's just a song about fucking literally shooting a woman for, like, looking at men. Driving? Yeah, it was just woman driving. This is like, I've got you in the water because women drive! Fuckin' retards! Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? I still find when they see a woman driving, they all start tapping on the road. Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? It's my business. What the shit is that? What is this shit? What the shit is that?
01:15:13
Speaker
you on for you bitch on for you bitch I am on for you bitch now I'm on for you bitch now yeah that's when it that's when he's fed up that's when he's set up dude dude not without my daughter I've been watching that movie like crazy
01:15:29
Speaker
I've been watching that movie since I first saw it.
Movie Review and Cultural Insights
01:15:32
Speaker
I'm obsessed with that movie. I've never not watched that movie. Have you ever heard of Not Without My Daughter? No. What is his movie? Do you know what's his name? Fucking Dr. Octopus. Fucking what's his name? Alfred Molina. You know Alfred Molina? The guy who played Doc Ock? Doc Ock. So he's a doctor in America and his wife is Sally Field. Okay Sally Field? Yeah. She's the wife in Mrs. Doubtfire? Yeah.
01:15:53
Speaker
Well he's Iranian. He's a surgeon. He's from Iran. Okay. And he brings- is it Iran? Should I say Iran? Is it Iran? I don't know. Don't be weird. Iran? I fucking ran. He was from Iran. You live near- yo, you know- We live and I walk.
01:16:08
Speaker
And he lives in Iran. You know where Westchester Pike is? He's a normal Americanized guy. He has family from Iran. And he convinces her, like, hey, I want to bring our daughter back to Iran to see her family. She's never met her, send a family. And Sally Field's like, I don't know about that. Oh, wait. I've seen this movie. I heard people get beat the fuck up over there. I didn't know that. I don't think ladies are allowed to breathe over there yet. He takes him over there and he goes,
01:16:35
Speaker
she's like alright well she starts packing like after a week she's first of all she goes over there just rips the hood off and she's like hey guys and the cops woke up they're like you fucking disgusting bitch they had to like deescalate to like they put the cover your hair up man yeah man are really horny over here but uh so so eventually she starts packing up and then Alfred Molina she's like why aren't you packing up and he's like we're staying here
01:16:59
Speaker
And she's like, what do you mean? He's like, I threw away your passport. And I burned it. He's like, I could do a lot better in here than I could do back at home. He's like, they need doctors here. And my daughter needs to grow up Muslim. And she's like, what? Your daughter's American. So basically, he kidnapped her, essentially. She stayed in Iran. And then eventually, through these shop owners and shit, she became friendly with this guy who had a son who was going to college in America. He smuggled her over to the US embassy. It was based on a true story.
01:17:28
Speaker
Yeah. The best part about it is Alfred Molina is not Iranian at all. He's a fucking dego.
01:17:34
Speaker
Yeah, but he's a good actor. He's an Italian though. He's just an Italian so the whole time he's like, listen, you're in my country. You're in my, listen, you're going to like how wow. You're going to like how wow. We do shit like soccer. We play soccer here. Oh, cover your face up. Don't let your eyelids out.
01:17:59
Speaker
Put a bra on your eyes. Put a fucking bra on your eyes. It's a really good movie, though. You're a fucking lunatic. You're a fucking lunatic, dude. I think we should stop. You know what's hilarious about what you just said? What? He's not Italian at all. What is he? He's not Italian at all. What is he actually? What is he actually? What is he actually? What the fuck is he actually?
01:18:27
Speaker
He's a fucking camouflage wob, what is he? He's an actor! What is he? He's British! Alfred Molina? He sounds like a piece of sausage, what are you talking about? He sounds like a meatball, dude!
01:18:57
Speaker
It shows you how much I know about anything
01:19:02
Speaker
Yeah
01:19:18
Speaker
No, that just shows how great of an actor he is. You thought he was Italian? Yeah, he pulled the fucking... He fucking yanked your chain. Yeah, dude. He pulled the hijab over my eyes. John just discovered acting. He just pulled the wool over my eyes. He just figured out. He's like, John's like, holy fuck. He just pulled the hijab over my eyes, dude. He did.
01:19:37
Speaker
It would be funny, Alfred Molina, being an Italian and not without my daughter, a camel bumps into him. He's like, oh, I'm walking in. Yo, water humps, back up. Yo, humps, back up. That's just funny in general. Italian dude gets dropped off in Iran. Oh. Getting sand all over my tracksuit. Yeah, where's the green? Where's the fucking grease?
01:20:04
Speaker
The fuck is that, green tea? I want a Coke and a hoagie. South Philly deco gets dropped off in a fucking Iran. Can I get a camel t-bone and a fucking... What are you... I'm looking for, like, a dope Frisco's. I'm looking for a Sbarro. Every time somebody goes like, hold the bell, he goes, what's that? Come again. What are you saying?
01:20:31
Speaker
The entire Vice episode where they just rip a guinea out of South Philly and drop them off in the fucking Iran. Let me see your hair, darling. You're fucking good looking. You know how to fucking rinse the steps off? You know what, come on with me. That'll be a pretty cool concept for a show, like place to place. You take one person from what you want to do. They kidnap the mafia and make them go to Rosseria.
01:20:58
Speaker
I was gonna say like you take one person from one city you take them somewhere else and then after that you take this Person from that city a
Creative Show Ideas and Conclusion
01:21:05
Speaker
fish out of water. It's called fish out of water. How is that? No, I'm saying that's our show that I just created right now That was called called fish out of water. Yeah water. Yeah Take a gay couple out of Seattle and drop them off in Syria
01:21:20
Speaker
It's like give them five things to bring they bring five lanterns they bring for you bring five you have five guns they bring galoshes and fucking First things first, let's get a camel. I'm not walking in this heat like a trans camel Okay guys from Seattle go to fucking the Islamic State
01:21:43
Speaker
It's got like, it's like a male, it's like a male camel. It's got like, it's got like, it's growing lumps. It's on tea.
01:21:53
Speaker
I think we should wrap this. Yeah, I think yeah, I think we I think we did a good job Yeah, let's wrap this you can edit this up a little bit, right? Yeah, I could take whatever trim up the extremism JK leave it all in there trim it all up dude. None of it's real. Don't if it's real. I just talked out of my ass I Know everything makes nothing I talk about everything and no one's even listening to this I'm like for the record until it's like 2,000 fucking until it's like 2.9 K on YouTube and they're like fucking
01:22:26
Speaker
Destroy him. Destroy him. But, uh, yeah. Hell yeah. Thanks for listening to that one, baby. And a reminder that it's physically impossible to take something from this podcast and remember it as fact. It's not known as factual. No. It's just gibberish. This is pinball. It's just noises. Bing-boom. Bing-boom.