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EP 13: Honey Bun'd In
119 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about What TJ did with $30, The Death of Jim's Blue Septa Shirt, and Making Love to Monster Trucks.
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Transcript
Mask Jokes and AI Fears
00:00:01
Speaker
Yeah. We're recording, dude. Y'all for fucking phone. Yeah. Take your time. Don't burp in it. Don't burp in the mask. Burp in the mask. Don't burp in your fucking mask, dude. Don't burp in the mask. Put your mask on. Put your fucking mask on.
00:00:21
Speaker
I wanna wear my goddamn glasses. Like TJ, dude. Oh my god. Your drugs. What? Are you taking it off? It's off. I thought you were on, dude. I thought you were- No, I thought we were gonna do like a segment where we like talked and we interviewed a guy named Jason. Oh, I thought we were just gonna keep it on or like just for like a little bit. I like that you guys have it on. Now the mask seems kind of fucked up. It's funny that I'm talking to two Jason's.
00:00:48
Speaker
Yeah. I like that. This is Jason talking now. I'm hiding from Meta right now. Yeah, you're scared of Meta. Tell me about that. I'm so scared of Meta. I just saw a clip from a podcast. Lex Friedman and Mark Zuckerberg are talking to each other in Meta. I didn't even know they were AIs. You didn't even realize that. I didn't even know they were AIs. Honestly, I remember that's so scary. Doesn't it feel like we're fucking toast?
00:01:13
Speaker
Yeah. They could be fake, honestly. I've never met them in real life. They're both fake, sure. But it's over. It's over. Yeah.
00:01:22
Speaker
Now you're forcing me to be Jason, I just can't they should make Korean Jason man It looks crazy as hell I'm gonna be the family to be the first fat Jason to get catch up on I'm gonna have corners. Yeah, you're gonna put fries in the hole They should do an Asian hockey mask
00:01:50
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like a samurai samurai mask is there yeah, I'll be dope like samurai
Slasher Films and Meta Humor
00:01:55
Speaker
Jason. Yeah, I'll be dope as shit You want to get coffee this Yeah, you talk about fucking but what is the nation Jason like that? What's the Japanese shit? Yeah Can't crystal-cramp crystal, right? I'm Chris. Very good. I'm Chris the
00:02:17
Speaker
And no sex. I do not rank teenagers as good. That would be so funny. TJ, just cog-rocking all these people. Cog-rocking? Cog-rocking. Scratch-er? Yeah, Scratch-er who?
00:02:35
Speaker
They got that new slasher movie out in theaters now with the fucking POV of the killer. I want to see that so bad. In a violent nature. Is that the name of the movie? That's what it's called. Apparently it just follows the killer the whole time from behind. That's pretty cool. So you just watch him fucking just bash sluts. Yeah. I feel like somebody got somebody like played that fucking like
00:02:57
Speaker
dead before daylight or like that friday the 13th video game and was like you know what this would be a sick idea for us okay let's look at the chunky goth girls going oh man they're like i want to get sliced and i need me like yeah bad there's gonna be like chunky witches on facebook i need me like one of those like whatever the slasher's name is like honestly like follow me everywhere yeah get me like a crusher special yeah like murder me but like don't be weird yeah
00:03:22
Speaker
We live in a weird, we live in a weird time. People's sense of humor is so weird. I think we're gonna have like meta horror movies. There's already probably like AI horror movies that are probably like good. I mean they kind of have those. You got curly hairs coming out of the fucking thing. Do I really? My face is gonna be shiny with sweat after I take this off. Oh my god.
00:03:47
Speaker
We're hiding from a meadow right now. It's so funny. You're literally building a sinus infection right
Amazon Returns and Jason's Politics
00:03:51
Speaker
now. Yeah, dude. I take it off? I look like an old man, Jason, dude. I take it off. Try to keep it on. You can take it off. Do whatever. Are you going to keep it on? I'm going to keep it off for at least like the first 10 minutes. He's like, I bought these, so. I'm going to get my money's worth. I'm going to fucking wear them. This group, we get our money's worth, OK? How much were these a piece? It was like $10, but I'm going to return two and then just have one as a piece. No, this one's got mayo and garlic aioli in the eyebrow part.
00:04:17
Speaker
I'm not sure how I got there, but Where'd you get it from party city Amazon? Oh Amazon. Oh, you're like a returner you return stuff Well, I mean like I always thought returning shit in the mail was like yeah, I'll get to it. Yeah I've never I've never returned a goddamn thing in my life. Well Amazon's like very like good on returns
00:04:37
Speaker
They just send a fucking Nigerian guy out at four in the morning to come grab it. Yeah. They pull him out of his house. You don't care. They pull him out of his house. They do that thing where they send you, they'll send you clothes and if you don't like them, send them back. Yeah. I'm like, why the fuck would I ever pay for clothes then? I'll just wear something out and then send them back. I'll just stink up this. I'll literally just fart these pants off and then send them back. A sun dress? I mean, that's what some people do. I think a lot of like...
00:05:01
Speaker
It's like that one Broad City episode when she buys that dress. Yeah, they didn't take the fucking tag off. She ruins that girl's painting. That show's so good, man. God bless. I wish they would stop talking politics on Facebook and fucking Instagram, but, like, God bless them. Oh, they cry babies. Oh, they cry baby hard. Fuck them, man. I know. I know. I know. I know. Can you just be famous? Can you just fucking kill anybody to be famous? You were funny. Can't you just stay funny?
00:05:29
Speaker
you're bitching like you're bitching in an air-conditioned fucking penthouse yeah it's like if you want to make a difference go live outside yeah go over there make a difference literally go over there Jason Jason hates bitching Jason hates politics
00:05:52
Speaker
What are the political leanings of a of a of a serial campground murderer Like how do you feel about how do you feel about the protests at the colleges Jason?
00:06:04
Speaker
I'm pretty much good on it, unless they show their tits. If they show their tits, I'm gonna kill them. As long as they're around them. Do you think Jason's Muslim? Would Jason be Muslim? Would Jason be Muslim? He is practicing haram. I believe that. He's practicing Sharia law all throughout Camp Crystal Lake. It makes it so beautiful. Yeah, Jason's just based around Muslim beliefs. It's not even... I know I couldn't be a Jason, because in the middle of killing somebody, I'd be like, Pepsiberg.
00:06:38
Speaker
Yeah, Jason doesn't take Pepsi breaks Jason fuck those fish tacos earlier
00:06:47
Speaker
Jason's never had a... Jason hates exposed skin. He's like very colonial. He's very colonial. Colonial hockey player? He's basically John Adams. You do all that killing at night because he doesn't have to pray because the sun's down. There's no sun. He's just mad because he can't get the mask off and he keeps hot burping in his eyes. Yeah, hot, like lives underwater burping.
00:07:09
Speaker
The story of Jason is pretty straightforward, too. What is the lore? I don't really know too much. The lore is he was a fucking retarded kid at a camp, and it was all deformed and fucked up, and these kids were fucking with him, and the fucking camp counselors were literally fucking. Oh, damn. And they weren't looking, and these kids pushed him in the lake, and he drowned. So then the mom, the mom, like, possessed him, or cursed him, and he's kind of just like this revenant ghost that hates sex.
00:07:35
Speaker
because sex is what killed him. Pretty much, I guess. I always thought it was. He's just trying to stop the sex from happening because he's trying to prevent other retarded kids from getting pushed into lakes. Why doesn't he just become like a lifeguard? Yeah, just a revenant lifeguard. Yeah. You just go down to North Wildwood for that and see a bunch of 35-year-old dudes that, like, there's still lifeguarding down there. Yeah. What year do you give it up? Do you think there's, like, a stallion down there? Do you think there's, like, a 40-year-old, like, a Kevin Nash type? I think you could do it forever. Lifeguard, like, head of the fucking... head of the patrol.
00:08:06
Speaker
Like what did you ask? Do you think there's like like with like a lifeguard like like what year do you think you're supposed to give it up? Like do you think there's any like middle age won't hang it up?
School Sports and Slasher Characters
00:08:15
Speaker
I think the second that you like stop having like sun kissed like abs Yeah, it's like done like you need like visible six-pack abs. You need to be hot
00:08:25
Speaker
hot lifeguards I've never seen an ugly lifeguard it's either like a tall chiseled like jacked guy or like a fucking like petite like tan girl yeah they don't like if like if I went I'm looking I'm like I'm looking if I went down there and was like I want to be a lifeguard and I like crushed the swimming thing and I was like fit they'd be like you're fucking like no no first of all take the hockey mask off you can't even be saving lives you can't trust anyone to hockey by any water
00:08:53
Speaker
Go out there and drown all the hot girls? Yeah. That would be a great sketch. Jason becomes a lifeguard. Is he gonna drown bitches? He drowns fucking hotties? Yeah. All he does is drown baddies. The perfect job. He just doesn't save anyone. It says in your resume that you drown baddies. What do you mean by that? You're hired. Yeah. Put your mask back on, dude. I wanna see your mask. I wanna see how spooky you can be.
00:09:22
Speaker
Who do you think is like your favorite slasher? My favorite slasher is... It's either Michael Myers or Freddy. Michael Myers or Freddy? I like Jason. I'm not a big Jason guy, though. No. I think it's cool and all, but like Freddy Krueger's fucking sick. What are some other ones? He just haunts you. You can't fall asleep. He'll get you in your sleep. Yeah, Freddy Krueger is the best. Ghostface from Scream, he's cool, but he's never the same person. It's always some fucking kid that's trying to keep the lore going.
00:09:52
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's I think that's the thing about scream though is that it's never gonna go away It's always a fan always a crazed fan. That's trying to be him. It's the idea wow I burped in the mask immediately Fucking hot burp in your man
00:10:09
Speaker
That's crazy. I made a hole in it. Yeah made my own breath hole fucking hot acid burps I just literally I fucking burped you said don't do I'd immediately did it. It's impossible not to Look fucking insane if you shut up the pride like that hi They literally would fucking they'd be like that's the anti pride. That's you look like the anti pride dude. You're like straight cops. Yeah, I
00:10:36
Speaker
My hair like the hair over the mask is hilarious Now you just look like you're like a soundcloud rapper like Yeah, my name's like egg y'all and he's like young machete Baby Lake Yeah, baby late Yeah, baby late
00:11:00
Speaker
I think I would probably, it's so funny that we just all watch ourselves on the screen the whole time. Well, we don't know what we look like in the past. We do, would you watch a podcast that look like this? Do you think we, do you think they could photoshop? We're just like, we look like Chubba Walkies, dude. We look like Chubba Walkies. We look like Chubba Walkies. We look like Chubba Walkies, dude. Chubba Walkies. We're about to do a fat dance number. Chubba Walkies. Yeah, this number, yeah. We're about to do a hot new number. Yeah.
00:11:27
Speaker
Yeah, we'll be sick. We started like we just gave up podcasting him break dancing We started fucking like voguing like honestly we can't what's a good. We could secretly take like what's something that we could all hit right now uh I
Nostalgia for Recess and Teenage Nightlife
00:11:40
Speaker
Feel like I could do a good. I'm like alright. I want to hear the blade theme song right now. I can't do anything like spinning
00:11:46
Speaker
Can't do anything spinning. I guess pop and lock it. I can pop and lock it. He can pop anything lock it. Robot. Can you put music on now? Can you cue music up? We'll come through on the podcast. Uh, I'm kind of worried about that for like copyright reasons. Oh, the technical difficulties. Kind of worried about it. Yeah. Us being huge and all. He's like kind of worried about it, honestly. I mean, this isn't LA podcast. It's a big time LA. This is LA. This is Theo Von. Yeah. This is what happens when you don't go to college. You start a podcast and wear these masks.
00:12:14
Speaker
This is, yeah, this is, oh, look at us. Ah, TJ had fucking $30 for masks, because he doesn't have $800 a month in student loan debt, because he wanted to fucking get hammered on Diamond Street. Look at that, would you believe it? I did it for free. He did it for free. Yeah. Yeah, TJ, we actually were not a fan of Jason. We just hate $30. Yeah, I just hate, TJ hates having $30. Yeah, I don't blame him. TJ's got the glasses over the mask, the funniest fucking thing ever.
00:12:41
Speaker
The glasses are over the mask. It looks hilarious. I gotta see. No one knows who I am. I say we start this over with a rap battle, dude. Rap battle? I think we should give the people what they want. Rap battle? Give the people what they want? Give the people what they want. Rap battle with what? Freddy versus Jason? You guys want to start fresh?
00:13:01
Speaker
You want to just start over? Why? Just start over, dude. Why? Because I think we should all come in with our own machete and have an intro. I'm just kidding. You're a fucking retard. I'm a fucking retard. Don't damage the man. Yo, man, you got to fucking return that, dude. It's all right.
00:13:19
Speaker
I played a couple rounds of hockey in it. I wonder if this can actually protect someone's face from a hockey puck. No way. A hockey puck would break that fucking mask, dude. Well, is this what they used before? They used to use these, but not like plastic. I mean, it's plastic. It's probably like fucking like... It's better. Yeah, way thicker. Thick plastic. It is crazy that you have to wear... You is crazy to play a sport where you have to wear something like this. Bernie Perrant was wearing that.
00:13:46
Speaker
Did he wear one or no? He was wearing that. Do people still wear this? They won two Stanley Cups and he had that on his face. That would be scary. I'd be scared of the flyers if a dude had that on. Yeah, dude. That was a scary sport. Those dudes are like, yeah, I don't care. I just lost all my teeth. Get me back out there. I'm trying to play. Yeah, they fight a lot, right? Yeah. You're allowed to fight? Yeah, it's insane. They're like, all right, so you have blades on your feet. Now fight.
00:14:11
Speaker
long are they allowed to fight for until like there's a knockout really sometimes people or do they give them like a minute to fight then they do it sometimes they go for like a why it's like crazy really yeah did they ever kick this is someone no my god that'd be a crime that'd be a criminal offense
00:14:27
Speaker
I mean crazy well that's the thing they usually punch the helmet off right Isaac and I were at a game one time where a dude his leg went up when he got hit and he cut a dude's stomach open oh and like this dude on the flyers he had his like stomach sliced
00:14:42
Speaker
it was like fucking insane they like showed it on the like thing about it was fucking crazy yeah and we were like at the fucking thing so yeah he played he got back on the ice yeah do people ever get activated like the fans they ever fight each other oh my god Philly sports there's always a fight but I'm saying did they fight the other team you know it isn't soccer when like the teams fight and like both both of the fans start fighting with each other
00:15:07
Speaker
I'm sure. I mean, I've never seen that like personally, but like I've seen people fight at the games. We just let it go. They don't break it up or anything. Like the fans? No, like the ref. Like the ref doesn't break up. And they eventually do. But like sometimes they let it rock. If they're like, they like to watch. What do they just get put on the bench? They sit in the penalty box for five minutes. Yeah, they look at the corner. They just wait. Five minutes and then they wait. They ever get out and start fighting again.
00:15:36
Speaker
Plenty of times, and then it's a game misconduct. You fight twice, you're out of the game. OK. And then they're bad boys. And then you're banned. Bad boys. Bad news. I never played a single fucking sport ever in my life. Oh, man. I played them all. How about you, TJ? What'd you play?
00:15:51
Speaker
uh i did like athletes athletes yeah baby i worked out with my brain yeah tj tj wrestled yeah you were wrestling in football i did some football but i stopped football around like ninth grade because i was like i didn't want to do morning lifting i didn't want to get up that early
00:16:08
Speaker
They were all about like summertime shit. They were like, yo. I want to show that. I want to blow my career, actually. I'm actually blowing my fucking career. The second like summer started, they're like, all right, like we're coming in. I'm like, what? We're summer. No, we're not really like. I don't want to. And it's like funny because it's like if there was more people that I liked.
00:16:31
Speaker
I would have like stuck with it. How often? What is it, every fucking day? Dude, pretty much. And to lift? To fucking, yeah, and to like, and to like, you know, get a, you know, practice. Cause then as soon as like school starts, then like games start going. Yeah. They want to get that money. They want to get that bread. They want you ready. Yeah, they want you in there. They built that nice field. They were like, $200.
00:16:53
Speaker
2 million on the turf. It is nice. I love the turf. Yeah, I like turf. I don't like turf. I like turf. I don't like turf. I like turf. Nice. Everybody bitched about turf. Then we would go outside and fucking play in the turf. It was great. Honestly, I feel like if I had a house, John was in school like, you know what? This is good stuff.
00:17:10
Speaker
This is great stuff. Yeah, I mean, I'm in retard English, but this is great stuff. This is great stuff. I remember like the fucking like the cool like radio station kids are like all this money on the turf. I can't even get a new mixing table. I'm like this one makes no money. They sell like they sell more hot dogs. They want to play. You want to play tame and pallet and fucking like talk and put a block of tame and pallet on and then like be like like fucking ironic for like
00:17:37
Speaker
Four minutes on the radio, that's your whole life. These people are actually making money. The people, oh my god, the hang at the radio room. Fucking sucked. The hang. Fucking CNN in there. I would like come in and I'd be like, yeah, right. I never did radio, sorry, I didn't make any noise. No, no, you're good. I did radio, I had a radio show once, but I would hang out occasionally with the radio station kids. Would they try to get sponsors and stuff for the radio show? No, they were never active about anything. All they did was sit on that couch and cry about their art projects.
00:18:05
Speaker
I'm like in there eating cookies and like I used to like fucking like what's up? Like Isaac's fucking gay today, huh? Like what yeah sure maybe he might be that's what it might be I was never part any clubs other than that I did I had a radio show and I ended up putting on the grateful dead live Which is like an hour and 20 minutes. I'll go play wall ball and come back
00:18:28
Speaker
But yeah, that was another great track. That was fire on the mountain, snow on the hill, rain on the street. I think the Grateful Dead's ever been good for, other than making white people fucking dance like shit. Do you think wall ball's ever going to be Olympic sport? No. Everyone's got different rules, though. Yeah, that's the thing. No one will ever be able to agree on a rule. Yeah, that's true. It's always house rules. It is always house rules. School rules, I guess. Always house rules. Remember the tallest kid, he makes rules.
00:18:57
Speaker
Yeah. We had a great wall, wall, wall. Isaac's like, we had a great wall, wall, wall. I was like, your wall, wall, wall's shit. At our elementary school, we had two things. You either played wall, wall, or you signed up for American Idol. Cause we had like...
00:19:12
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. You guys had American Idol. We had American Idol. We had, we had, yeah, and you already know who the judges were. Who were the judges? You already know who the judges were. Fucking coolest cats ever. You already know who they were. Let's just say one of the judges is on AEW, okay? Let's just say, let's just say one of the judges is like a long time rival. Fucking feather.
00:19:36
Speaker
Man you guys did American Idol. We did like we really being so annoyed by it I one time these kids were like building a little city out of sticks Did a huge playground and there was like a sand mound and they were like stick like all the it was like right behind the basketball court There was like a sand mound These kids were putting sticks in the ground making like a little city I just walked up with act like I was Godzilla's I just ripped apart their whole city made him cry
00:20:05
Speaker
I miss I miss recess dude. I wish I wish adults would get recess. I wish we would get recess I wish my boss was like go outside and play for an hour Dude adults have plenty of free time dude. I don't think so I think we have less less free time is like like any time in other history I feel like back in the day like we had so much more like free time because we didn't have shit to do It's just adults have nightlife Children don't have nightlife. That's why they have reason they have daylife
00:20:35
Speaker
They don't have like, there's no like, there's no club. Kids can't go to the club. They can, I mean it's cash but. When I was a kid there was a teenage, when I was little there was a teenage nightclub in Philly called Shampoo and my brother and his boys would go to Shampoo.
00:20:52
Speaker
That's banging. And it was like, it was like, it was like 18 to party, 21 to drink kind of thing. 14 to smoke outside. It was like 14 to get raped. It was like 14 to fight. 14 to come in and lay down for 20 minutes. I remember thinking as a kid, like there needs to be like a kid nightclub. I'm going to get, I'm going to start getting a couch there with my boys. Yeah.
00:21:13
Speaker
There's going to be Kool-Aid jammers everywhere. I'm going to be paying like the hottest girl I went to middle school. I'm getting bottle service. It's Kool-Aid jammers. Yeah, I'm giving somebody 50 cents just for keeping the ice cubes cold. That's like what I thought was going to happen when I like started lemonade stans as a kid. I was like, all right, with the money. Yeah. Here's what we're going to do with money. We're going to open up a press conference. Alex was actually lying. Alex, that's bullshit.
00:21:38
Speaker
Alex's lemonade stand's a fucking lie. Alex? Yeah, right. Yeah, try selling granola bars like I am right now. Yeah. Alex? Yeah, right. I had one lemonade stand on the busiest street of all time. Westchester Pike. I had a dumb piece of shit. I'm a fucking stupid piece of shit, kid. I was like walking up and back up before the city house. I was like an old black crackhead trying to sell bootleg shirts out in front of the stadium.
Childhood Schemes and Ghost Names
00:22:05
Speaker
I'm like, get your granola bars.
00:22:07
Speaker
Can't you Nature Valley? I got Nature Valley. I should have been selling all kinds of shit. If I ever have like a dollar and I see like a kid like hustling out. I do. I always stop buying. When I was a kid I used to- I tried to get back to the community. When I was a kid I used to fill a backpack full of like stuff from the kitchen and go like sell it at the park.
00:22:26
Speaker
Like literally anything. Fly strips? Yeah, like literally anything. Fly strips? I'm out there with like four cams. I'm out there with like four cams of Pepsi. Like, yo, who wants this? Who wants a hot Pepsi? My mom drank out of it. This was all, this was all in order. Barely drank out of. This is all in order to like, when Mr. Softy came around, like me and my boys was out. My parents just would tell me every time Mr. Softy came out, my mom's like, you don't want Mr. Softy.
00:22:51
Speaker
He goes and he goes and he tingles. He has to wash his hands. I don't care. I don't care. I'll take fucking a... I'll let him piss all over my hands. I want Arabian piss hands. I want Arabian piss hands. Can I fucking decide? I want it. That's the best. Can I fucking... It's a common theme that we have. People decided for us for a long time. The whole thing was, my parents were like, now Blue Bunny? Everything's packaged. You can get a Blue Bunny. Yeah, you can get a Blue Bunny. And then one day Blue Bunny showed up and I was like, it's time to collect. Yeah.
00:23:19
Speaker
Yeah, I was like you got that. I would do the same thing. Do you have that $3? Yeah, you got that $3. I got that fucking like. Do you have that $1.25 I was talking about? Blue Bunny, I would either get the John, the red John with the gumball at the bottom. Fuck. Or I would get a pack of candy cigarettes and a Sierra Ms. Lock.
00:23:37
Speaker
I was very, I would have a cigarette and a beer, but it was a Sierra Mist and a fucking candy cigarette. Something to straighten me out. Something to straighten me out. I was relaxing like a motherfucking old woman. Yeah. Just do what your parents did. I just, that's what I did. The Sierra Mist and the cigarette. Just a beer and a fucking thing. Fucking sounds good to me. That fucking sounds delicious actually. I'm like, why am I mad? Oh yeah. Cause I have a fucking permanent sinus infection cause we have 99 cats. Yeah.
00:24:03
Speaker
Blue Bunny, I would like any any either way. I would still take a Jack and Jill fucking ice cream saying Over anything I'm gonna say real quick. Yeah, do you wanna sing? Yeah, you're gonna put it in the hole? I want you to smoke a cigarette I'll eat a smoke a fucking cigarette out of the smoke on the pod
00:24:27
Speaker
That's sick Jason's fucking you look like if yeah, you look like Jason started a microbrewery instead of murdering kids Doesn't really hold well He's rips it in half. Yeah, he's ha episode was brought to you by camel blue. Oh We were talking about earlier like what would be a cool sponsor? Boachella's Boachella's Boachella's yeah, how do you get like? What is the deal?
00:24:52
Speaker
sponsor you have to get enough people to like our bullshit and then it's like I think companies usually go like every like per thousand downloads after we go like a thousand downloads we get to sponsor yeah start talking we can start talk biz 600 downloads dude
00:25:14
Speaker
600 we have 600 downloads. Thanks guys. Hey, thanks guys. It's Isaac I've paid an Indian call center to fucking download our shit. I gave them I gave them my dead mom social security number. Yeah
00:25:30
Speaker
Oh my god, dude, I used to have dude when I was a kid my I don't know how my mom got like everyone Social Security over but my mom growing up She had like everyone social and we had like we had bills in like so many dead people's names. It was like crazy You're like a bunch of ghosts running your house. It was insane. I had like ghost pico ghosts. Yeah pico ghosts
00:25:56
Speaker
Your mom's on a Ouija board working, she's getting fucking some scary stuff on the Ouija board. She has the candles on, she's like, you don't even need it anymore. Just give it to us. Dude, the best was like any time that they were like announced like in school that we had like a project to do and it involved like I needed to get like a poster board. Like it was like, I knew I was like, I was like, well that, I'm not doing that.
00:26:26
Speaker
You lost me at literally
City Negligence and Code-Switching
00:26:31
Speaker
spending any money on my god a presentation Jesus Lord I had a cousin that would fucking rip a fucking ramp a poster board for me I I one time had a fucking science poster from 1997
00:26:46
Speaker
oh yeah for a Catholic school it was like an Adam and Eve fucking it was like it was like literally an Adam and Eve they're like this is why it was real like that's like what they would do in Catholic school here's why it's why science is gay science is pretty gay I remember doing like I was the kind of kid that would like not do any like my parents would never make me do a project and I would sleep over my mom's house and be like you have this project tomorrow I'm like yeah she's like
00:27:08
Speaker
Why didn't you tell anybody about it? And then at like 8 a.m., school starts at 8.30, I'm like fucking gluing. I'm like gluing shit together at like 8 a.m. like, eh, this'll work. Oh, dude, morning when you're like, a.m. I mean, pretty much every year just not doing a single ounce of summer reading. Oh, my God, never. I never did summer reading. Oh, my God. I started three years of school with no supplies. Are you fucking joking?
00:27:38
Speaker
Remember going in no supplies level one you're going in level zero because I always feel like you got to flush out like what supplies you actually need for that year everything that's on that fucking list yeah until it was like I fucking good students like you don't need everything on that list for me on the other hand they're like you don't have a fucking purple glue stick I'm like no
00:27:57
Speaker
I felt like I was... No, sorry. Yeah, sorry, I got laid off at the construction site, second grade. I had no backpack a couple of times. Yeah, well, I did spend the entire summer pouring concrete, but I got laid off. Yeah, you and Chuck Bennerich. Me and Chuck Bennerich. Me and Chuck were laying concrete. You and concrete, Charlie. That was my problem. I went into every school year with no summer reading, and they were like, well, what'd you do?
00:28:25
Speaker
I fucking screamed and cried every day because we had no electric. What do you want? I read in the dark by candlelight. Is that what you want to hear? I actually put on my bonnet and went and sewed myself into bed and read a little bit of literature. Didn't fucking do anything. Are you kidding me? I drank out of the hose and played fucking Hulu. Inviting your friends over to play with the hose is like...
00:28:49
Speaker
Banging the best banging. Yeah. Check out, you know, inviting your friends over to play with your Chinese neighbors. Hose double bag. They just come home. I'm using their fucking hose. I've been using it for hours. I was leaving it. Let's go to Sanoko and get a soda. Now leave it on. Actually turn it up. Turn it up.
00:29:11
Speaker
I know you're not gonna yell at a kid, that's why I go and do your shit and take your bike every day. I took this kid's bike every single day. He's like, can I get the bike? I'm like, pfft. Can't man, I'm fucking meeting, we're literally gonna have a Jedi battle in the woods later, so. I'm not missing that. No. Cause you need your bike, that you bought. Fuck that. No.
00:29:32
Speaker
We had neighbors, we had these hot Korean girls that live right next to us. And they were having like, they were like outside tanning. Like me and my boys walked up. I had the lightsaber fucking in, like through the bell lube in my pants. I was like, oh hell yeah. You guys need some help? Ladies. It's dangerous out here.
00:29:49
Speaker
A couple kids like us know the force know how to use the force will protect you hotties Usually you're not home usually fucking run that shit I remember like turning that hose on and just letting the whole dry waft fill up I was always sad down the street I was always sad as a kid because I lived in an apartment, and I never had a hose yeah
00:30:29
Speaker
Like he's making like three water balloons a time and running back up the steps up the elevator yeah
00:30:35
Speaker
T-days filling the bathtub up and putting a snorkel on just on the outside of stuff. Honestly, yeah. When I lived in Everbrook, we had a Jamaican neighbor fucking Mr. Keith. Mr. Keith had that fucking wrench that would pop the fire hydrant. Oh, fuck yeah. And then you would just get a nasty puddle going. Jamaican kids. Did you make a street puddle? Jamaican street puddle was banging, actually. Fucking Sean Paul blaring in the speakers. Lip flop approved. Yeah, it smelled like weed and fucking it sounded like Sean Paul everywhere. I haven't seen a pop fire hydrant in like forever.
00:31:05
Speaker
The last one I saw was like maybe like four years ago a friend of mine her apartment got flooded today Oh sure because of a popped hydrant that like the city's doing nothing about like her and her neighbor that both their basements got like destroyed Yeah, all they're gonna do is hire a couple guys with neck tattoos that literally drink coffee right a hole for like weeks Literally just gonna drink coffee right a hole
00:31:25
Speaker
Just look into it every once in a while, then just get back to drinking coffee. It's wet. I mean, it's still wet. Still a hole. Still what? I'll be here until it's not a hole. Let someone handle it. Someone's better come out here and fucking handle this. Someone should come out and handle this. They hired two guys to stand there and supervise the hole until literally a dump truck comes. That's good. We got two guys with neck tattoos that are going to cat call every girl walking by and standing over this hole. What's up, bitch? That's Union Ties right there. Yeah, Union Ties, dude. Thank you for your service. Thank you.
00:31:56
Speaker
Local 13 fucking fucking yeah local fucking cat calling Street rape local street rape is 13. They'll get enough credit. They don't get enough credit. We miss street rape is so many good episodes long over because we're here
00:32:13
Speaker
I know. I mean, talk about... Talk about spinning the narrative. That's a great perspective. What would you have to write about? What else would I watch after skipping school to give myself anxiety? Yeah, the rapists are never going to stop raving. You, however, can stop jogging at four in the morning.
00:32:36
Speaker
Yeah, you'll survive. Not to victim blame, but you don't have to jog when, like, butchers are out. Stop jogging during butcher hours. Stop jogging during literally rape and... The only thing that's out are trash men and meat drugs. There's, like, the two biggest rapists of all time. Those are, like, rape drugs.
00:32:56
Speaker
It's true. It is true. You didn't say it didn't lie. They're always interviewing the guy behind a meat truck. Yeah. Never stops working while he's interviewing. Yeah.
00:33:07
Speaker
That's great. That's so funny. I feel like we're talking. You can also not jog at 4 a.m. Yeah, it's like you can jog during like not rape hours. I have to jog at 4 a.m. I have to jog through the scary dark park right now. Yeah, it's like... I'm not saying anyone's wrong here. It's like, can you live in New York and ride the subway at 4 a.m. and get punched? Yeah, my dad's like, my dad's like, well, they don't, you know, they're getting on the subway fucking naked. I'm like, no, they're not. No, it is. No, they're not, dad. No, it is.
00:33:35
Speaker
They're getting on the subway like naked. They're like, don't be naked on the bus then. If someone was naked on the bus, you're not allowed to touch them still. No. No. Hold on. Getting all naked all dialed up. It's like, what's that? What's that move?
00:33:58
Speaker
Yeah, me and my brother were laughing yesterday. We were talking about my dad. My dad would code switch at Septa. Yeah. We would pick my dad up from work. He'd be talking about four or five other middle-aged black guys. And then my dad would literally be walking to the car. He would shoot the cross-wave. He'd be like, I'll catch you on the flam-flam, Jack.
00:34:16
Speaker
He would say shit like that. My dad was valid in the public transportation, dude. My dad ate. My dad ate. Your dad is valid. My dad had like a tucked in navy blue shirt, dude. He had your shirt. He had that blue shirt. Oh, that shirt. I stepped the shirt. I stepped the shirt. I've never worn it since. I fucking killed Jim's shirt. I shot Jim's shirt in the head. I was like, yeah, you fucking bus driver in that thing. I haven't seen you in it. I literally, I'm so crazy. I fucking, I literally hung it. I hung it.
00:34:43
Speaker
It's a fucking news hanging from the ceiling.
00:34:48
Speaker
Yeah, my dad was valid. My dad was valid in something. Flim flam, Jack. My dad's like the kind of like old where he thinks black dudes call each other Jack. Hell yeah, dude. Jack, catch you on the flam flam, Jack. Woo! Yeah. Lost. Stop, dad. That's hilarious. I mean, how old was your dad? My dad's 65. 65? So he was one of the 60s. Yes, he's like a teenager in the 70s. Yeah, that's like kind of like, I was thinking that's like the airplane jive. My dad has, yeah, that's literally, yeah.
00:35:19
Speaker
My dad has been mentoring a black guy. Are you see your dad? I thought you mean fucking biological. I know my mind that guy's mentoring a black guy That's like the worst but it's gonna be the worst black guy ever. No my dad
00:35:36
Speaker
My dad now, my current dad, he's mentoring this black guy. He calls me on the phone and he's asking me all these questions. He's like, he's like, I need to hear one of your jokes. I was like, all right. I was like, who you with? He was like, he's like a with, I forget what his name is. He's like a Tyrone or something. My dad's like, I don't know who it is.
00:36:01
Speaker
I asked my dad what his name was and he's like, I don't know, fucking like Tyrone or something. Yeah. I don't know. Fucking try, uh, try Quadir. Yeah. It was something like that. And he's like, he's like, I'm trying to tell, he's like, tell him, he's like, I'm trying to tell him, like, he's like, we're in the store and like, we're setting up like the aisle and shit and get everything ready. And he's, he's trying to get pussy. He's like, we're at the store. They never stop. They never stop. He's like, look, man, the store manager walks up. I can't fuck. I can't.
00:36:38
Speaker
Like middle-aged white dads are always trying to cover their ass on the job
00:36:42
Speaker
I can look I like and I like the kid. Yeah, he does. I like I was working with black dudes is the greatest shit ever. He loves the guy because they're hilarious. That's what I'm saying. He could call me talk about pussy all day. That's like it takes your mind off work. You work with a black guy that you get along with really well. It's fucking hilarious. That has some of the funniest stories ever.
00:37:02
Speaker
Like, his pussy stories are so funny. His shit, he's probably telling them, like, fucking, like, Desert Storm, like, fucking, like, four house fucking town. He's talking, like, 1984, like, Germany stuff. Eighty-four, like, German whorehouse lure. That's probably keeping these black guys going.
Workplace Dynamics and AirPods
00:37:15
Speaker
He literally, like... He's getting this guy, like, he's keeping this guy at this job. Well, that's the thing. He's like, as soon as I'm not, like, with him anymore, he's like, I think he's gonna get fired. Damn. He's covering his ass. But he's probably keeping Mark entertained during the day. Dude, he called me and he's, like, screaming. He's, like, telling him, like, stories.
00:37:31
Speaker
He was telling him about the time we fucking went to the Wawa and got hoagies before we went to the movie theater. I got a fucking buff chick cheesesteaker and ran down my fucking leg. You fucking asshole. You fucking asshole. I came out of the bathroom with a fucking, gave birth to a hoagie. Who threw that hoagie at me? That's so fucking funny.
00:37:52
Speaker
Working with black guys right now, like at work, I hang out exclusively with the black guys because they're just so much better to work with. My dad is valid with the blacks, too. All they talk about is pussy all day. That's it. And they talk about the ugliest girls ever, which is the funniest thing. They're like, that girl is so fun. It's like a girl with a full beard. She's so fun. The Mother Street killers.
00:38:14
Speaker
Modern Street Killers have been trying to jump my dad in for five years. Modern Street Killers? They're like, look, like, they're like, office still stands, man. We jump. Yeah, you'd be one of ours. Yeah, he could be an honor. He's like, he's like literally like they've been like, they've been like telling him they want to, he's like, they, they tell me they want to beat me up every day. Yeah.
00:38:32
Speaker
I stuck up for the one black guy I work with and it's literally, it's like prison. Like now they're walking by and literally like handing me honey buns and shit. They're like putting honey buns on my fucking desk. Oh yeah. I like stuck up for him to my supervisor. I was like, he was doing, he was working. What do you use? I like helped him out or whatever. And then now I walk by, I'll have a honey bun right on my desk in the morning. It's literally prison.
00:38:53
Speaker
Yeah. Now I'm at Honeybund Inn. If I eat it, if they eat it. You're Honeybund Inn? Once I'm Honeybund Inn. That's crazy. You just named the episode. Honeybund Inn. Well, that's the thing. It's like, now they see me eating a devil dog with the white guys, I'm going to get fucking killed. That's the thing. I'm going to get fucking killed.
00:39:08
Speaker
Fucking stabbed me now I Gotta stay black that should be a bit dude. Yeah, you're a piece of shit. I'm honey, but honey, but it is the funniest fucking way once I saw the honey, but I'm set for life now. It's pretty much awesome Now we're just going to lay now like like now. There's a divide at work. Which is the funniest thing like why guys are working They come in there like stressed out my son couldn't get his Nintendo switch plugged in
00:39:37
Speaker
He's like yo, I got this I got this Latino bitch that got kicked out of her man's house She's trying to live with me, but I'm also trying to fuck her and fuck this chick. He showed me a picture. They're both like fucking like disgusting He shows up and he shows up in a different fat white girl car every day I've been calling his house the orphanage
00:40:05
Speaker
He's like fucking these chicks to get like toy dollars He's dips, but he's dipstick everyone's like dude. That's so toxic. I'm like no that's a king right there No, that's just a guy having fun. It's a guy who puts a fucking black people hate to see a guy really having fun And he doesn't care either. He's like I'm I love it. I love this listen to this he just shows me a voicemail It's just this fat white chick. She's like
00:40:24
Speaker
I thought Joe dick and I did all this you can hear she's fat on the phone. She's like He's like, let's not sweet boys
00:40:37
Speaker
You know why cuz the fat bitches they suck their dick right and they suck their dick all night And then they roll up and they feed them. What's the thing is like fucking? Chicks like that. They're like huge like that like we'd be really just fucking butt cheeks. They're hitting butt cheeks and deep John deep John deep John That's why like sounds like a fucking book
00:41:03
Speaker
They hit the deep cream market, but he's always talking to me about getting cream on their dick. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing I'm like I'm not hitting creams. I'm like all you guys are getting fucking like like like rings of cream on your fucking My boss walks up. I'm like look I what do I got to do to get rings of cream?
00:41:29
Speaker
All right, sorry fuck did you get that email cream rings? Yeah? Sorry? I was just talking to my blood Cream rings on my shaft
00:41:47
Speaker
best ever and then it was really funny we're like like they'll be like a black guy that's not even like part of our jobs comes in for any random reason and frees their best friend right away
00:41:57
Speaker
They're always, yeah, I'll stand out the way to fucking do all this shit. I'm like, what do you write a book? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Yeah. And then they always team up. They're like, they're fucking working for these fucking. They're like, oh, I know. I know what it's like looking for the fucking peck of wood. They just look over at me. I'm like, yeah. Hi. Hi. I don't think you can see F.
00:42:19
Speaker
Now I'm like sagging my pants, eating honey bones now, just trying to secure my spot. You're jaunt. You're jaunt. It's so much better. It's so much better being friends with black guys than white guys at work. Just say your name backwards. You're like, Nahaj. Nahaj. Nahaj.
00:42:38
Speaker
I don't know. I feel like both have their perks. They do have their perks. I'm just kidding. This is for the sake of- We're just goofing. We're just goofing, dude. I'm friends with everybody. God damn it. Well, I mean, being an Asian in America, I feel like I get the- Yeah, right. You're a white boy, dude. We have an Asian in our crew, though. We have an Asian in our crew. Yeah. We have a little Asian guy in our crew, and they constantly are giving him shit, and it's fucking hilarious. We do have Asian in our crew. No, no, I'm saying, like, our one coworker, he's fucking- he's Cambodian. He's with the shits.
00:43:03
Speaker
Can't buy some Cambodians are with the shit with the shit all of their food gives you the shit Yeah, it does it gives you the shits. He's always in there eating fucking cockroaches and fucking spider-head soon He's eating fucking he's eating tarantula ankles yeah Yeah, scorpion tails yeah
00:43:26
Speaker
Delicacy there's a delicacy a big fucking yeah really what it comes down to is you gotta fuck like at work like if you don't have people you can fucking like hang out with and like It's not fun Yeah, it works. Oh, man. I have to make good friends. You have to make good friends. I'm a social animal Some people aren't some people like it not talk to people I just end up doing the thing that you don't have your air pods in anymore. Yeah, the air pods really fucking cut the jive out
00:43:50
Speaker
I had to learn jive because I got rid of the AirPods. I had to learn jive. A job that's not social and you can't fucking have the headphones in is a recipe for quitting. It is. It is. And before they were talking to me, they were like, hey, you didn't look approachable. It was busy. And I was like, oh, I just have AirPods in. Yeah, you look busy. People are less likely to get mad at you. Yeah. But now that I'm not busy, we're all fucking eating honey buns and fucking... Talking jive. Showing me how to do a do-rag. Nobody wants to bother a guy that they think has something to do.
00:44:18
Speaker
Yeah, I try to I have the busy face. What's your busy face? I'm like It's he just gets frustrated He has like help me face Just like I don't have a busy face Like when you're in class and the teacher like teacher looks up you look at the board
00:44:44
Speaker
I can't I can't do anything like serious That is a pretty good Yeah, I just got a friend request from fucking Balaji Balaji No profile Balaji Balaji
00:45:09
Speaker
That's mark after you there's a there's a gas station like right in my area that everyone goes to it's like a little grocery store slash gas station uh-huh and My boy Dinesh. He just fucking went back to Nepal. Oh fucking abandon this post dude Nepal he's leaving for eight or a year And then he's coming back, but he has a replacement the guy can't speak a lick of English And he's just trying to run another deal trying to run a store
00:45:32
Speaker
He's no fucking idea what anyone's saying to him. He's literally like, I'm watching a ship go down. Like I'm about to call up the bank and be like, hey, I'm sending to this guy to drop off at the, he's literally like, uh, I think when I was like, can I get a pack of, I got a pack of camel blue and he was like camels.
00:45:49
Speaker
I'm like, yeah, like those down down. He just gives me the wrong cigarettes. I'm like, it's fine. Dinesh was the man. Dinesh, Dinesh learned the language. He knows the deal. Cops even liked him. He has pictures with every cop. He was like a three foot eight fucking just like Hindu fucking red dot and everything. He's just real small guy. I love the Eagles. The last day he was in there, the cop was talking to him. He was like,
00:46:15
Speaker
It was like, oh, this year, I cannot wait to watch the Eagles, but fuck the Cowboys. Fuck yeah, dude. And then he tries to sell you his bootleg hats for the fucking leg. It's not even an eagle. It's like a fucking pigeon. It's like he drew it. He says, he goes, eggs, eggless. Eggless? Eggless? What the fucking shirt is?
00:46:35
Speaker
I'm gonna start getting delicious bootleg shirts, dude. Elgos? I want them. Sprinkles, horny goat weed on them. Fucking airs them out. Elgos? Elgos? Hey, you want the elgos, sir? You want the ee-roos? Would you like ee-roos? Ee-roos?
00:46:51
Speaker
But this new guy, I feel bad. Like I was watching all these like dude, like everybody in Aston, every old guy in Aston's got a fucking fight in Irish leg tattoo. Oh yeah. The White Sox and monarchs. God Lord. And they're like, no, it's that. They're like trying to get their lottery. He's trying. Do this fucking guy alone. You gotta, you gotta post up. This dude looks like he didn't even stop somewhere to get changed from the airplane.
00:47:13
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He parachuted into the fucking... He has a neck tone on all the headphones. He has, like, luggage on. He's like, let his luggage down and, like, use the register. He's like, hold on. I'm waiting to go home. Fuck. Fuck. They didn't even, like, tell me I was coming here. I'm, like, running a store or something. Dude, I've seen, like, a cot in the 7-Eleven. I know these guys are sleeping there sometimes. Some of them do. Some of them do. During the day, he has an older white lady that helps him out. But even she's like, ugh.
00:47:41
Speaker
I can't fucking I can't she doesn't speak English. I don't even speak that good. She's like I shouldn't speak nice in this enough of those had a little the grab lotto tickets. I watch a lot of the lottery tickets and asked to do it's an upper tricest of women eat lottery sandwich. Yeah, that's how you stretch them off. You scratch beef drinking the lottery thing. A lot of that going on down there. Yeah.
00:48:08
Speaker
South Delco? Dude, Southeast Delco. I'm basically Delaware, which is disgusting. That's a disgusting state. I know, you're basically Hunter Biden. I'm essentially Joe. No, you're not. If I bump my head at work one more time, I'm going to be Joe Biden. I kind of want to try playing a scratch off with my teeth now. No, they scratch the beef jerky, they eat the lottery tickets. Is that what they do?
00:48:33
Speaker
The place is also one of those places. Scratching beef jerky. It's like a mini mart slash gas station slash complete head shop. They love bongs. Everything's bongs. Everything's bongs. And it's like gigantic Pikachu bongs. And they have bongs at McDonald's there. McDonald's bongs at McDonald's. Oh my god. That whole area, it's a different world.
00:48:56
Speaker
I fucking hate that area. I hate it, dude. Hit it with a big fat bomb. My area that I live in is so trashy. When those kids looted the Lulu Lemon and Glen Mills, they crashed the car. The cops chased them into a bridge in Chichester. The car blew up and like 800 kids died.
00:49:14
Speaker
There's like 800 kids. There's like a whole one car boardwalk full of pregnant kids in this fucking Taurus it blew up or whatever and everyone's like getting looted the I don't even know the lululemon Yeah, I'm like that's like your what shut the fuck up. I didn't want to be like it's actually lululemon It's actually lululemon. It's a woman's fitness. Yeah, I'm a high society I'm not any better, but I'm like at least I know they're like lululemon
00:49:45
Speaker
You're like, am I near a fucking nuclear reactor right now? I can work out pants or some shit. Yeah, yoga pants or whatever. Yeah, yoga pants. I don't know. My girl wears- Sweatpants for fucking skinny girls. I don't know. My girl wears leather. My girl wears spikes. Spikes. Spiky chain wallet girl. It's the same county as this county, but it's a completely different place. It's a completely different place. Yeah, it's like- Delaware County as a whole is completely different. Every town's completely different.
00:50:11
Speaker
Yeah, we're mainline Delco. Basically. We're on the line. We're like basically like. Havertale. I went from I went from Lansdowne to Upper Darby to Havertown. Havertown. You went from fucking Overbrook to Havertown. Havertown.
00:50:28
Speaker
Overbrook is awesome. Overbrook used to be awesome. Mmm. It's awesome now. Awesome now. It was heavily Jamaican when I lived there. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, it was all Jamaicans. It was fucking phenomenal. Did you grow up with a lot of Jamaican food? Yeah. Like, uh... Oxtail, jerk chicken. Yeah. Go Ted Soup. Go Ted Soup, Oxtail. Yeah. Oxtail I'm a fan of. I like, I like, uh, Curry Goat. Curry Goat, beef patties. I'm a, I am a, I am a Oxtail baby. I also like that their parents, I like that their parents beat their fucking kids too. That's awesome. Yeah, dude, they don't give a fuck. Fuck it all.
00:50:56
Speaker
Yeah, because the kids are all good. They all have good kids. Yeah. Jamaicans have, like, very good kids. Well, that's how that's the... Because they don't get hit. They'll be like an eight-year-old kid with, like, a 75-year-old Jamaican dad and just fucking beats the brakes off him in front of everyone else. Nigerians and Jamaicans, dude, they discipline. They don't like each other at all, and Nigerians and Jamaican people do not like each other at all. They got beef. Yeah, because they're both trying to make each other look bad. It's like how Italians and Irish people are. They're like... They both cook beef. They both eat heads.
00:51:25
Speaker
Yeah, they both eat head meat. All I know is Jamaicans are real big into Kawasaki ninja bikes, Domino's, weed, and fucking ribs. And boxers. I'm pretty much the only barrier of skin between me and them. I like all those things. Yeah. I've never even rode a Kawasaki ninja, but I know I'd like it. I know. I know I like that color green. I feel like I'm going through a quarter life crisis because I was looking at motorcycle.
00:51:48
Speaker
I really want to get water life crisis. Yeah, that's a real thing. Because we're a lot closer than 30 than we are at fucking 20. And when I was 20, I was like, yeah, sure, I'll fucking I'll eat a whole box of fruit roll ups.
00:52:00
Speaker
And I'm 26, and I'm like, yeah, I'll eat a whole box for roll-ups. I still like roll-ups. I think we're not, I don't think we're doing a bad job of living. Nah, we're doing fine. No, but I don't know how to ride a motorcycle. I have a fair amount of fun. I never rode a motorcycle before. You want to ride them? They give me too much anxiety. But like, if I would get one, I want one. I'm like, no, you're not, my friends aren't allowed to ride those, actually. I'll be too anxious. I want a sidecar, so I'm stable at all times, and I want to put like a little dog in the sidecar. A little dog? Yeah. That's a good life goal. Yeah, dude. That's a good life goal.
00:52:30
Speaker
My brother has a moped, he was actually pulling me on my rollerblades yesterday. Oh yeah? How fast were you going? Me and my brother, he was pulling me 20 miles an hour on rollerblades and I hadn't been on rollerblades in like 10 years. I bought them off a white wrapper in Wilmington, Delaware yesterday for $40 and then immediately drove to my brother's house and he pulled me on the moped.
00:52:54
Speaker
Just to make sure they were as sick as I thought they were, as I remember them to be. Just make sure they work properly. I was like fucking, we were like riding around and there was like people like with families like looking at us. I was like, they probably either think we're like the retard brothers in the neighborhood or we fucking rule. I think the latter. I think the latter.
00:53:11
Speaker
There's retards rule. Fucking awesome retards. Those are awesome retards. Those can be true. Yeah. That is true. But my girlfriend's like rolling her eyes right now. Why, the rollerblades? I was like, I'm going to get into rollerblading. And she was like, that's awesome. I'm like, all right. You just know if she can't rollerblade like that. Well, yeah, I think she's jealous because I found a journey.
00:53:34
Speaker
Yeah, and she's like this like yeah, and like the whole thing is like I'm gonna do this to get in shape I rode roller blades yesterday for like 10 minutes And I literally we went to Dairy Queen like I was like I couldn't get to Dairy Queen fast Yeah, I was like every journey has roadblocks like there's gonna be ice cream on these journeys Most of the journey is ice cream. There's gonna be ribs on this journey There's gonna be ice cream and ribs on this journey pretty much daily. It's gonna have ups and downs daily hurdles. This is just a valley I'm not a ribs guy man
00:54:04
Speaker
I like ribs. Really? I'm a wings guy. Okay. I feel like they're definitely a lot easier to eat and a lot quicker to cook. I like ribs when they're like, I like pork ribs. Yeah. Pork ribs are pretty nice. I like chicken ribs. Chicken ribs. You know what I like? I like ramen. I love halal ramen. I think tamales are my favorite food. I just had tamales from LA moon. They're so good. They're banging.
00:54:33
Speaker
I had some tamales that weren't that great, but then again I got up from like some lady in like the street. I took a chance. Yeah, TJ got a fucking uncrustable with fucking beef in it. Hold on, wait a minute. It's like wait chill, wait chill. We called that, we called that. You can't like, we called that.
00:54:57
Speaker
I could go from across the board right now. Yeah, they're the gig. They're goaded across the walls Yeah, have you had the grilled cheese one? Whoa? No, whoa, there's a grilled cheese on across the wall. It's pretty gangster. I want sounds pretty gangster use Crap single in there, baby a couple of craft singles in there couple of cars angles in there, baby So you almost have to toast it or grill it to actually eat it properly. Yeah, it's encouraged. Oh
00:55:25
Speaker
put in the air fryer. I fucking burnt my mouth for a month because I did that. No, no, because I put a regular one in the air fryer.
00:55:38
Speaker
The hot jelly burned my mouth for a month. I thought I had COVID. I just ruined my mouth. I thought I was sick. I was like, am I like, I was like, Oh no, I know what happened. I burnt my fucking mouth so bad that I lost taste in my mouth for a month.
00:55:59
Speaker
All your taste buds got fried. I killed myself. Oh it like like roof tongue teeth gums gums Throat all just get stuck. I threw a semtex into my mouth. It's like jelly. It's like jelly Pompeii
00:56:18
Speaker
It was like, dude, it was so bad. It was something, there was something. I'm thinking of Mount Smucker. I don't know.
00:56:37
Speaker
Both of them sucked horribly. I hate myself. I'll eat a lot for that tonight. I'm going to eat a lot about that later. I'm going to eat a lot about that. Have you ever tried a deep fried Uncrustable? No, but I have had a deep fried Oreo. I want to try deep fried Uncrustable. It sucks.
00:56:54
Speaker
Deep-fried KitKat fucking sucks. Oh the wafer becomes like mush. Yeah, no like flat like flabby. It comes like jiggly. You can't crunch it. It's like eating a fucking Band-Aid. That sucks. It's like eating a fucking chocolate-covered Band-Aid. Like eating a delicious chocolate-covered Band-Aid. I love Reese's sticks. They're the best candy. I had some under my seat. I could have given you one.
00:57:20
Speaker
They were they were they were naked though. I don't care. They were unclothed. I don't care. They might have had like other stuff stuck to them. Who cares? Rinse them all. Rinse, rinse, rinse. My dad, I remember once one time my mom had my mom had some errands to run. So she dropped me off at J.D. Miggle the Cuddies with my dad. Get the fuck out of here. For a couple of hours. I played fucking Mortal Kombat and my dad, they only had hot wings.
00:57:46
Speaker
So my dad gave me five bucks to play Mortal Kombat or whatever the fuck it was. It was the bowling or the golf game with the Bali roll that like no kid fucking ever won. No fucking game ever. Me and like two other bar kids were throwing rocks at cars on my Westchester bike and then my dad like saw us doing it didn't even care like called us in and I told him I was like I don't I can't have hot sauce so my dad took all the wings in the bathroom and rinsed them off in the sink and gave me these gray hot gray wet chicken wings cold wet chicken wings and
00:58:14
Speaker
Mark of Life is probably the coolest day ever though.
00:58:17
Speaker
That was the day- that was the kind of day- Your dad rinsing off chicken wings is the worst fucking thing I've ever heard! That's like up there with my mom, like, taking her socks off to try to get me to put them on. Ugh. Oh my god, I just- No, I don't want athletes full of- I don't- I'll die. Your mom probably had those socks on for eight weeks. Eight months. Oh my god. Walking through literally, like, Mumbai. Harry Turds. Literally. Walk through Mumbai. Yeah.
00:58:46
Speaker
that my dad went to the bathroom in McGillicuddy's in the fucking saloon stall and rinsed off 10 chicken wings a game to me. That just, and they were like drenched in like fucking upper derby sink water. Man. Man.
00:59:00
Speaker
That rules, I can't. Honestly, the amount of fun I had throwing toy wrestlers and rocks at cars on Westchester playing is well worth it. I needed to pick me up just to get back to having fun. Rinsing the fucking wind in the sink is so funny. That's back when you were a kid. When you were a kid, you were making a best friend. For like two seconds? For like the day and then you never talked to him ever again. There was a kid, I might have told you this already.
00:59:24
Speaker
My parents took us to the drive-in up in Allentown, and we saw Spy Kids 3D, and then there was an adult movie, like a rom-com or something. During the rom-com, I was playing, we used to have a playground under the screen, like a slide and monkey bars and shit.
00:59:41
Speaker
I met this little black kid named Jonas, right? And me and him were like best friends for like four hours. We were like playing hide and seek. Me and him were like, like on like an alliance during like freeze tag, that kind of thing. It's like, we're always forever. And then 18 years go by and I get a Facebook, I get a Facebook friend request from a guy named Jonas Fordson.
01:00:05
Speaker
Wow, and he messages me before he sent me a friend question then messes me. He says yo It's me Jonas from the drive-in. Do you remember me? Whoa, and I was like no Yeah, I was like no Not sure but then in my head. I'm like wait a minute. How do you remember somebody like that you remembered? Not until he said that and I was like wait a minute. I remember I knew a kid named Jonas I
01:00:29
Speaker
Damn, so that one day, and like archived in your memories. He liked it. He liked it. He liked the way I played freeze tag. He really liked TV tag with me. I knew every show. I knew every show. I knew every show, so. But yeah, I was like, damn, I mean, no. I didn't accept the friend request. I was like, no.
01:00:50
Speaker
Really? You should have just been like, yo, what's up? What the fuck are we going to talk about? How you been these last 18 years after hanging out for an hour? Fucking one new friends. I got friends, dude. Bro, I kind of want to meet my friends. I kind of want to meet Jonas. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with like I kind of like don't like the way you handle that. I mean, I was a little scared. I don't know. You were you were you were careless with this guy's heart. And that's like pretty fucked. He opened up to you. I gave you everything. I gave you everything. You fucking bastard bastard.
01:01:19
Speaker
You remembered how fun the day was. We were playing. Yeah, it was cool. We just hung out for the day. It was just a friend. Yeah, but like... Friends forever. That was it. We were gonna... Meanwhile, he's sitting there with two WrestleMania tickets. He's sitting there with two Kendrick Lamar VIPs. If there's the only kid in my life that's ever been nice to me, I'm gonna fucking give him a million dollars. He has a million dollar check for you. I'm like, yeah, now I'm ringing a bell.
01:01:48
Speaker
But I would go to the beach for the day and I have a best friend. You don't talk to them anymore. It's like a kid's version of one night stand. I was about to say, that's what Grindr is. Never talk to them ever again. It's literally what Grindr is. Grindr's like, it's literally like we go to the drive-in, we play TV tag, and then I never see them again.
Monster Truck Adventures
01:02:10
Speaker
Have you ever been to a drive-in?
01:02:12
Speaker
no god no they're kind of my parents literally never took me anywhere we went my mom didn't realize you had to like buy tickets advance it was like right when like this shit was like you had to buy shit online it's like right when like that started and you had to buy tickets online we drove all the way up to Allentown just thinking we could like get in and they wouldn't let us in so my mom just gave more wah-wah hoagies we got in
01:02:33
Speaker
It was like, our security barrage was like two of us. It was just me and Jim at like just two high guys in a fucking toll booth. She was like, she's like, yeah, but like.
01:02:44
Speaker
Mr. Hoagie said we can come in. Mr. Hoagie, they were like, well, Mr. Hoagie's cool. What is Mr. Hoagie bringing Mrs. Lay's chips? I see Uncle Pringle coming up. Whoa. Is that Dr. Pepper? It's a duck. Duck. Duck, hey. You're it in.
01:03:09
Speaker
come in. Yeah. So we basically all fucking dry mouthed fucking spy kids. I basically ran a hundred miles and drank nothing until we got home. I like to imagine they like walked you in like airplane pilots. Thanks, man.
01:03:35
Speaker
Love that for you
01:03:42
Speaker
Yeah, my cousin my cousins took me and like all the kids they had a big fucking like Winnebago type John Yeah, you'd like put like a all the kids in it Yeah, they drove us all the way down to the Wachovia Center to take us to Monster Jam They were taking us to Monster Jam and like I don't know why but like they had like tickets already but I guess the tickets were like for like the wrong day or like they weren't real or like
01:04:09
Speaker
I was like, we're not going to Monster Jam. So me and like literally a billion of my cousins went down to the Wachovia Center to tailgate Monster Jam. Tickets are like four dollars. Yeah, it's four bucks.
01:04:24
Speaker
Literally, they're like Latin people. They're letting anybody in. I wish that Monster Jam always rolled off that like like they always like went by that one thing It was just like show us your tits and you're in I thought it was Joey Springer rules They're like front row
01:04:40
Speaker
Get her in there. Get her in there. There's a front road city. There's a front- Gravedigger's going to be happy to see you. Gravedigger? Gravedigger just cuts to Gravedigger in bed with a woman like the truck. The truck's in the bed of the truck. Yeah, the truck's in the bed. On the beach in Wildwood. In a hot tub. The truck's in a hot tub. On top of four dead grandmas. It's literally like, it cuts to like the Bahamas. It's like literally a girl splashing with like the truck in the ocean.
01:05:19
Speaker
So funny just the truck on it's like not let's just say that it's high
01:05:28
Speaker
Trucks on its hind tires, and she's like holding it like this, and she's like, I do, and it's like... She's marrying in the thing. The exchange valves. And now for our first dance with Mr. and Mrs. Digger. Fucking Enter Sandman comes on.
01:05:58
Speaker
They run over a fucking minigooper together. Just married, dragging eight cars, dragging dumpsters, dragging fucking trash cans.
01:06:15
Speaker
True life, I married Graf Dick. So fucking funny. You married a monster drug. It's like the proposal, it's like a black and white photo. Like a truck down, it's like lowered. Graf Dick, you're like lowered to like... Down on one wheel. Down on one wheel. He got down on one axle. He got down on one axle. Popped the question.
01:06:44
Speaker
She puts a ring on his piston. I don't know if their trucks can stand on their hind tires. His hind wheels. That was good. She dies during childbirth because obviously you can't give birth to a half monster truck, half man.
01:07:08
Speaker
Getting pregnant wasn't surprising though, somehow. Getting pregnant wasn't surprising at all. It wasn't hard at all, but it happened right away. I thought his comb was going to be too high octane. It would have just eaten her insides, but she kind of topped it out. He fucking primed her pussy with Penn's oil first. It'd be so funny if it was going on a date with a monster dog.
01:07:32
Speaker
I'm parked out front. She looks at the window. There's four cars crushed We go off this ramp Yeah, it's kind of here. It's 107 man. That was an hour seven all right. Peace out. I love y'all