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EP 2: Frigay the Turdteenth
148 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk dirty and talk about Speed Stick, Fight-F***ing, and Breaking Boards in the Bedroom.
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Transcript
Introduction and Big Announcement
00:00:17
Speaker
Yeah, baby. Is this episode two? Episode two of episode two. Close to hell. Close to podcast. We're announced. We're announced. We're announced. We're announced. We ripped the fucking cover off of this thing, dude. We got 22 followers. It's pretty crazy how fast that happens. It's crazy how it happens every night. Just like 20 fucking followers overnight. Every fucking night. Yeah. Hello world. Hello world. We're here now.
00:00:20
Speaker
We're live.
00:00:45
Speaker
big announcement yeah big announcement call big fucking announcement are you ready faggots yeah are we ready are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are you ready faggots are
00:01:15
Speaker
Watch this little Chinese girl with some sort of like birth deformity freaking out
Viral Videos and Social Media Algorithms
00:01:19
Speaker
in her family. Fuck you. They just tease her. You met my sister? Her name is Zao. She has like pigtails and everyone just makes fun of her all the time. She's like
00:01:29
Speaker
She gets like so mad, I feel so bad for her. And I can't stop watching it. Yeah, we go, wowee zowee. My algorithm's like, you really like mentally challenged people and lobster tail. Yeah, my algorithm is big penises and fat cats. Yeah, you showed me earlier, you got bulges on your gram. It's bulge and fat cats. It's like dudes and hoochie dads with bulges. It's like big fat dicks. Like fat dicks and fat dicks. I've never ever once been like, I like fat dicks.
00:01:56
Speaker
You probably stared at a fad dick for like a couple seconds too long. They added to the algorithm
00:02:02
Speaker
That was for me, I was watching my Instagram for a while, it was just like really bad public altercations, like people getting stomped out in the
Chaotic Walmart Adventures
00:02:08
Speaker
Best Buy. Oh my. I can't stop watching it though. I love those. Well yeah, it's like a train wreck. You can't fucking look away. I love a fucking store fight. So do I. I love two moms fighting in a Walmart and the kid gets involved. Yeah, I love the kids fighting each other. I saw a fight, these two fat women in Walmart were beating each other up and the one lady was getting pounded out.
00:02:31
Speaker
And the Sun comes up. She's like eight. He's like yeah, yeah, I think that I think we're thinking of the same video Did the chick get ripped out of the rash tried on the floor? He's holding like a little can of raid and he tries to like boop the other lady with the raid He's like stop hitting my mommy, and there's chicks like
00:02:50
Speaker
I'm gonna fucking kill your mom. I'm gonna kill your fucking mom. On the floor of a wall? Dude, getting stomped out and then all of a sudden they bump into the shelf and a big soft soap falls down on her head. Oh yeah. And people don't do any shit. Like, they do nothing. When there's a big fight like that, everyone just watches. Yeah, they pull their phones out.
00:03:07
Speaker
I mean, what can you do, really? Well, if you work at Walmart, they should know there's enough fat women in there. They should- they should have bear mace on them at all times. They should have like bear mace the whole thing. Walmart employees should have a fucking utility belt. Yeah, but it has a lot of bear mace and nets.
00:03:23
Speaker
We got another fight in aisle three. Yeah, just hit the button. Yeah, there's nothing more aggressive than a fucking fat white piece of shit in a fucking store. Oh, man. Yeah, like Black Friday, like if you're near where like the phone cases are. Fuck. Dude, you watch the fucking big, you watch the Bears fight over an Otterbox. I was trying to, they had one last defender left for my phone, and my phone's becoming obsolete. And I'm trying to grab this, and this woman came up and got on me. I had to get up on my, like I was like,
00:04:01
Speaker
Did you at least get the phone case? No, no, I didn't even want it. It wasn't the president. No, a salmon jumped out of the creek and grabbed it. Yeah, dude, they keep salmon at the entrance of Walmart just to just slow them down because they'll come in to lead all the pants in that store.
00:04:16
Speaker
start eating the jeans. Walmart's the only place that has like apple pies is like an impulse item. I know. In the self checkout they're like stacked up apple pies. It's not like a mini one, it's a full apple pie. It's a full pie. Hey hon, do you want to split a pie on the way home? I gotta throw like 64 packs of shit at you to slow these people down. Everything in Walmart's a 64 pack. It is dude. You can get a 150 pack of speed stick.
00:04:44
Speaker
I love Walmart though. I get a lot of my clothes from Walmart Wearing speed stick has lowered my self-esteem so much we're no speed stick you're gonna get too lazy eyes
00:05:04
Speaker
It's kind of crazy that if you wear a speed stick, you get slower. Only slow people wear a speed stick. It's because some of those women are so big that your speed stick, it takes a whole stick just to get them right. You got two sticks, one for each pit. They're coming out with deodorant in different shapes to be able to hit different folds. Longer, like extendo clip. Like a T shape. Extendo clip to get the back of their knee.
00:05:32
Speaker
between the toes yeah oh yeah oh my god have you ever seen those women on TV they take them outside power wash them Jesus fucking Christ I've lived with like eight different women that look like that you are part of the big legends
00:05:45
Speaker
I got big legends. I love how you call them big legends. They are the legends, dude. They're like monoliths. They're like remembered as fucking Hawaiian gods. Yeah, you know how the island of Moana came to life? That's my family. Just
Reality TV and Family Dynamics
00:06:00
Speaker
got a fucking family member to just stand up, right? Yeah. Goddamn, dude. I'm fascinated by really big people on TLC. I've always liked that. TLC's really good for oddities and shit like that. They're like midget family. Yeah, it blew my mind.
00:06:15
Speaker
How much mafia? My family should have been on TV, dude. They missed the boat. Yeah, but here's the thing, though. They were. It's just called Shameless, except everyone was attractive on Shameless. Yeah, my life, I lived the show Shameless, except none of the people were out. Everybody was hot on Shameless. That's the problem. I was like, yeah, I was the only hot one in the whole cast. Fiona's way too hot to be that type of person. Yeah, that person is like... Ew, her being a tough south side of Chicago chick, it's annoying because she would get sucker-bunched right in her mid. If it was based off a true story, the real chick would be like a sumo wrestler, dude.
00:06:45
Speaker
That or the shoe be cracked skinny with no hair and like one tooth I never actually thought about how like Attractive the people unshameless were like hottest people in Hollywood. They would not be like in poverty if you're that attractive The only person that they bothered the only person that they bothered to make look grimy was was William H. Macy
00:07:05
Speaker
And, uh, Mickey. Yeah. Oh yeah, Mickey was a piece of dirt!
Conspiracy Theories and Space
00:07:10
Speaker
Dude, that guy fuckin' s- like he looked like a stone. They were havin- they were havin gross gay sex. He played- they were havin dirty gays. They were- and it was white trash gay sex. It was dirty gays, yeah. So it was like, yeah. They'd be doin the shit I'm doin. They were like l- they were so trashy, they were like lubin each other up with WD-40.
00:07:26
Speaker
Yeah, white sock sex. Dirty white sock sex. That whole show was dirty white socks. It's just dry cereal everywhere. That's the thing. Everybody on the show is way too attractive. Mickey is like probably the ugliest guy on the show. How the fuck did I catch that? What'd you catch? Because you're a receiver, dude. Actually, I pitch. I'm a pitcher. What's that? It's the brick.
00:07:46
Speaker
What does that do? It's full of pot. TJ got a big pot stick, man. Are you doing drugs? Yeah, I do. Are you doper? Well, sometimes. I thought this was America. TJ's a stoner. You can't tell by his fucking snooks. Yeah, dude. No, he's got nice pumas on right now. TJ has the nicest style out of all of our friends. I mean, she's just an animal. Yeah, mommy and daddy are in the Yakuza. TJ, what do you want to be when you grow up? What do I want to be? I want to be an astronaut. No, actually, I don't know.
00:08:14
Speaker
Astronaut, it wouldn't be that far out of your wheelhouse. I don't know, I'm kind of scared of space. I'm scared of it too. No, it's not real. I think it's real. No, it's not. Yes, it is. It's fake. What do you think's above it? What's above us? Just Hollywood. I think it just gets. Joe Biden's above us. I think the sky just gets.
00:08:31
Speaker
It's just the sky.
Humorous Political Commentary
00:08:33
Speaker
Everything's blue up there. Yeah, sure. All right. All right. Why not? How come? How come? Why wouldn't it be? Because we've had we've had nibbles go up there before, dude. Who the fuck is your nibbles? We've had nibbles go up there before. Who the fuck is nibbles? Isn't that your neighbor of NASA?
00:08:47
Speaker
No, NASA. Oh, NASA. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. NASA. We had a couple of NASA's go up there. NASA. Yeah, NASA. NASA said some NASA's up there, dude. Napster? The only, so I mean, didn't we shoot a monkey into space? And he shot like every animal, like the man up there. Yeah, was there an elephant in space? Elephant helmet? Elephant helmet. Elephant helmet would be so funny.
00:09:11
Speaker
Do you think it would just be a long tube covering the trunk, too? Yeah, I was about to say, do they roll the trunk up around his head? Yeah, where do you put the trunk bulge? That's gonna be on my algorithm now, like, hung elephants?
00:09:27
Speaker
Yeah, that would be crazy. So you actually you don't believe in space or is that no I'm just goofing I believe I believe in everything. I believe in everything too. I believe in like aliens Yeah, it's kind of ridiculous. There wouldn't be aliens. Yeah, it's suspect but like but like they're not aliens. They're like this
00:09:43
Speaker
Yeah, they could be like microscopic. We don't fucking know. I mean, that's what we... Yeah. We haven't... Yeah, that's my dad. We got plenty of aliens in this country. Yeah, it depends on your head. 10,000 a day coming. You give my dad two shots. My dad's like 10,000 more. God damn it.
00:09:58
Speaker
Yeah, my dad thinks there's a caravan headed here with people that want his job only. Yup. And they're going to abort babies six months after they're born. Oh yeah. Yup. A bunch of aliens are going to come by and eat babies. I'm like, my dad's like, that's actually what's happening. If you really want to get into it. I just, I just said hi. I just said hi. I literally just said hi. I'm not going to mince words. That doesn't mince words. Every time I go see my dad, I have to lotion his back. What?
00:10:26
Speaker
My dad gets me the lotion is back constantly. My dad has the driest skin on earth. My dad's literally a piece of bacon. You're a nice man. I have to. If my dad... My fucking mom's dead. I gotta fucking... If my dad asked me to lotion his back, I'd be like, dude, kiss my ass. He will be... And I feel bad too, because he's like...
00:10:41
Speaker
because yo dude, mine lotion in my back. And I was like, the first time I was like, yeah, you know, I was like, I just moved into my brother's house. I'm like, yeah, you know, I'm like, that's cool. I'm going through a breakup. She's probably doing God knows what I'm lotioning my father's back on my brother's couch. I'm going to fucking, I think if this ain't it, I'm gonna fucking kill myself tomorrow. If there's a, if there's a further bottom out of this,
00:11:03
Speaker
That's why I think I love the spring so much, because I don't have to lotion my dad's back anymore.
Skincare and Personal Hygiene
00:11:08
Speaker
Dad's like, I took a hot shower, it's killing me. If I lotion my dad's back, we're sleeping together, dude. I should have sucked him. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's blowing me, dude. But he got to a point where he got so comfortable that he would just walk by and drop the luboderm on the fucking... I'm eating dinner, you drop it right on the fucking table. I'm like, is this for dessert? I get to rub your skin tags? I get to rub your skin tags for dessert again, dad? Awesome.
00:11:30
Speaker
Can we go fishing later? Can we go fishing after? Can we have a catch after a skin tag catch? Can we go fishing after? Can we talk around the old dad skin? And it's funny because he's got like one patch of skin tags and I'm like always trying to avoid that spot. And he's like, that's where he's at most. And he's like, you gotta get it right there. What are you doing? You're going around the area. And I'm like, yo, you have skin tags all over your back. It's fucking haunting. Can't I just spray him? Can I spray him with some fucking weed killer?
00:11:55
Speaker
Fucking spraying your dad's back with round up so funny. Do my dad will be like my dad will walk up He's like I'm all fucking cracked up and dry you gotta get you gotta get in your shirt off. It's really like rubbing
00:12:24
Speaker
My dad's got wings by the way
00:12:28
Speaker
I don't know if you know that. My dad developed wings. Yeah, yeah. Wait, why does it get so dry? I don't know. It happens to me, too. If I take a hot shower, I have to put lotion on. Really? That's why I'm a black woman, obviously, TJ. They don't know what I look like yet on this podcast. I don't be dealing with that. I be so, my skin's so suppo. I know you in your lane and you hydrated. We get it. My skin's so suppo. My skin's very dry.
00:12:51
Speaker
My elbows and knees get dry I have scars on this elbow and when it gets dry you can see them and they look like gross Are your elbows darker?
00:13:11
Speaker
They do get darker. Back in the day when I used to, back in the day when I used to go between showers a little while. My elbows would get like green. Inexplicable. Yeah, it's like you've been wearing bad necklaces on your elbow. Yeah. That's like you got a boardwalk chain on your fucking elbow. It's my bed was made out of boardwalk chains.
00:13:33
Speaker
How about you? What's your what's your skincare routine? I don't have one really I just like use two-in-one and then all over my body I live at home with a sister with expensive tastes, so he she has like nine million different fucking things I go in the shower I put like 70 different creams on using girl shits the best yeah
00:13:59
Speaker
It's like when I was single I was like washing my I was like washing my asshole with like fucking yellow like dial So like the bar I
Sexual Preferences and Humorous Anecdotes
00:14:05
Speaker
used a sugar. It looks like a piece of cheese, dude It's like taking a piece of cheese into the shower. I used to ice hooks I used a sugar scrub on my a-hole like right after I shaved it good Lord. Yeah, I was like I'm two years old back here I Hope somebody starts eating
00:14:19
Speaker
I hope somebody licks this fucking thing. I'm young back here. Yeah, the dudes like yo man the farm I'm fucking getting scrubbies on my tongue. Would you? Scrape your tongue on my bottle. Yeah, dude
00:14:35
Speaker
There was like a grit Baby girl loves like bath and bodywork soap like she likes the set so you get the body wash the body butter Yeah And then like the body spray and all the shit then you get a candle to match basically the last one smells like fucking like like churros nice Oh, I always pick something out that I know when my shit runs out. I'm cool with smelling like it, too
00:14:57
Speaker
Like coconut breeze. I'm like, that's good. And she's like you always go for something like that because I like it Also, you're a fan of coconut scent. I like vanilla coat if I'm gonna smell like a bitch I want to smell like fucking coconut vanilla bitch. Yeah, I would like I would like to smell like a dessert. I like cherry. I like like cherry blossom
00:15:14
Speaker
Cherry blossom my trash bags are that sent right now. I like it's a nice every pink bags are great like um I'm like uh like that Bath and Body Works shit, too. It's good Yeah, I'm a big I got lotion in my bag right now hold on pull it out. What said that be? Green bag where's no it's over here. I think actually
00:15:32
Speaker
In your bag in the green bag. I have a thing of lotion pull that what is it pull that out for me now? Is this fucking gay anal apparatus or no? No, this is just a bottle of lotion. I promise. It's just lotion. What do you guys use for lube? I use astroglide It's just what I'm used to Only like eyeglasses cleaner now have you ever been so what I do with it then what happens when you're like you don't have it I
00:15:56
Speaker
Uh, dude, I fucking, I try not to fucking do anal if I don't have a fucking lube. Have you ever done it without it? Yeah, and it's awful. What's that, dry? Spit. Oh. What does it feel like? It feels rough and tough. It's harder. Like prison. Prison. Cause, cause the fucking, the lube will like, you know what I mean? Like you, you, you loosen up with some fingers. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you get the tongue in there and you fucking, you know, the lube helps like all that shit. Open you up. Like, yeah, like in.
00:16:25
Speaker
you know you know you can you can get in but once you're in it also needs like a way out so you put some fucking put some lube on the tip you're in you're good and just kind of working in yeah just working in i got a tight butt i don't have a loose but i'm not i'm not ran through yet
00:16:40
Speaker
Yeah, you ain't run through yet. I ain't ran through yet. I hope I'll never ran through. By the end of the summer, Jim's butthole's gonna look like a mailman fucking rubber band. I like, I like twinks with mustaches and small dicks, dude. I like, that's what I like. I like little, I like little dudes with small dicks. That's what I like. Nice. You're gonna love me.
00:17:03
Speaker
To buff for me dude, I'd be like get out of here with all that muscle that I like to be able to throw him around You know what I mean muscle daddy beautiful. I like the gorilla press my boyfriend
00:17:15
Speaker
I like to do I like to shake all the change out of their pockets first I fucked this dude in Houston that like I Threw him around the hotel. He was talking all this hot like he was talking all this shit like he was gonna paddle me So yeah, like boiler room brawl
00:17:32
Speaker
Yeah, so like he was like talking all this shit like how he was gonna like paddle me and do all this shit I fucking was like, yeah, right. I'm throwing you around this hotel. So you guys like fought fucked Yeah, it's basically what it is. You guys are like you guys were like mr. And mr. Smith Basically, which is what I like I like combat sex I wear a mouth garden from Superman punches
00:18:00
Speaker
Yeah, the combat sex is like your butterbean and fucking like... Yeah, Johnny Knoxville. Yeah, butterbean versus Johnny Knoxville, but with dicks and asses. Yeah. Combat is such a funny sex. Combat sex. Combat sex. What are you into? Combat. I'm into homosexual combat. You're a naked joke. I like it. You ever bicycle kick your lover? Hammerfist. Hammerfist your lover? Never hammerfist.
00:18:24
Speaker
That's so fucking true. I beat dudes like fucking Lesnar, beat Heath Haring, dude. Yeah, just fucking pound him out real quick. Mush fist. I hit him with the fucking... Jim tenderizes a gay. Just tenderize him. I also like being the little spoon. Who doesn't? I like being the little spoon. Jet packing. They call it jet packing when the big guy is the small spoon. Yeah, baby girl will be on my back and I feel like a little smush up kitten.
00:18:48
Speaker
I don't care. Listen, I'm a tough jock, but also, I'm like a kitten. I'm like, yeah, I'm like tough jock. I'm like post-cuff jock. I'm like, and I'm like modern kitten. Yeah, yeah. Look, I grew up tough. I'm a jock. I like guns and trucks, but sometimes I like to be a tiny kitten. Yeah. Dude, the other night- Is that a fucking crime? No. Cool. You have every right. I'm a 350-pound man. Can I be a kitten?
00:19:16
Speaker
totally beautiful can I be a kid can I be your kitten listen first the trans genocides happening then they're gonna come for you so enjoy it now before the fat and listen fat whites are all right fat whites were so safe we're the best a fat white gay the best fat
Body Image and Dating Experiences
00:19:29
Speaker
when TJ is an honorary fat white thank you TJ eats like a fat it's an honor you eat like a fat white you still look like the rock it's insane yeah TJ looks like fucking Randy Orton looks like Korean rock Randy Orton yeah the lock yeah
00:19:44
Speaker
Did we just reverse that stereotype? What? Anything that's R becomes L? Yeah, yeah, about ya. Landy Rorton? Yeah, Uldum? Landy Uldum? I don't even know what's happening. Who cares? Who gives a flying fucking shred of a shit? We're talking about gay sex. That's what we're here to talk about. The important stuff, anal.
00:20:04
Speaker
Have you ever had, like, a dick where you're like, oh, that's like... I can't take that back. Yeah. I dated a guy for a little bit that had, like, an almost 10-inch dick. Oh, my fucking machete. Just running through the jungle. His name was just slashing through Jim's ass hair to get to his fucking buss. His name was, uh... Bors... Bors... His name was... His name was Jason. Voorhees. Yeah. Frage the 13th.
00:20:32
Speaker
Yeah, Fry gave the turd team. Turd team, yeah. Dude, that's so funny. You fucked Jason Voorhees. You're like, yeah, I did date Jason Voorhees for a little bit, but Freddie was getting jealous. I do have a picture of a penis T.J. Yeah, show us his hog, man. That's funny. Oh, nice, dude. That was on solved? Oh, my God. That was on solved? Dude, that looks like one of those little, like, fucking, like, it looks like one of those fucking little, like, gift shop bats you get at the Phillies game. Yeah. Like a souvenir bat. Yeah.
00:20:59
Speaker
I think was hitting me in the side of the head like this could cost from a molly while when he put it in you were you like You're titty-fucking my liver right I actually had like I think I my brain was like fuck you went crazy off the dog
00:21:18
Speaker
Yeah, he was and he we were working at Starbucks at the time he was coming into work a little he had some pep in his step He was just limping Oh Jim replace the shoes with tennis balls
00:21:39
Speaker
I Worked I love that way man I worked from 4 to 12 like every day at Starbucks like 4 a.m. To 12 and then 12 would hit and I would get off and I'd meet up with that guy Nice, I mean it would be like afternoon delight dude just boss attack. It was it was crazy. It was nuts
00:21:56
Speaker
And that's I think it's too much because I actually prefer smaller really like a five-inch dick is six Dicks are nice for this guy love Koreans
00:22:12
Speaker
five people are cheering right now. There's a Super Bowl parade happening right now. Jim just comes out of the Super Bowl. He's like five inches is fine. Everyone's like, Oh my God. Five inches is sick for, for like taking it. You know what I mean? Because it's fucking, but it's not for the aesthetics because I've just probably just fucking pie just hurts. It's just, it's just the right hits the prostate. You know what I'm saying? So what does a 10 inch or do?
00:22:37
Speaker
It just gets it dude there. It fucks where the poops getting like made There were times where he would like but there were times where he would reach an intersection have to make a left and shit Fucking put it you grab a testicle turn like a blinker. Yeah, I could feel him
00:22:54
Speaker
I feel a blinker on my tummy. He's like, oh, go left. Oh, no, no, no. That's a one way. Oh, what are you doing to do that? And until two PM. Yeah. Nine foot clearance, nine foot clearance. Yeah. Oh, he made the wrong turn. His liver is like a fucking school bus. It just pops up that swing outside. Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. That big arm. Yeah. No, I'm that was because he pulls out his tips, got a ticket on it.
00:23:20
Speaker
That was a lot. I did get duty on the tip on that guy. He went far. Yeah, because you can't live under the assumption that duty ain't going to get made even if you clean. The duty would be up there. Duty would be being made all day. That's what I'm saying. I stay making duty all day. That's why the fivers do that. That's good. You don't go that far. You started talking about nine? You started talking about nine, almost 10. That's insane. What are you doing? I was like, I'm a fucking leather face. I was like, I'm going to be ran through.
00:23:50
Speaker
You're going to be ran through. It's going to come out of your mouth. It was pretty, uh, it was pretty crazy. That's fucking crazy. But I found the, I found the perfect thing. You know, the, the right, the right ticket. That'll get me there. But honestly, it's not good for pictures.
00:24:06
Speaker
Well, do you think fun for me? I mean the 10 inch dick is about the pictures and you got to keep a little lighter You got to put it next to a Lego guy if you make I have like one dick pic I literally have one dick pic I've ever taken and I'll still use it. It's from like fucking like 2019 Oh, I have reason I keep is because the only time my life my rooms ever been cleaned around it I took a good tick pic this year and I'm like so happy with I had a good penis day. I
00:24:31
Speaker
Yeah. Did you just like, you just put like Taylor Lautner's body around it? Everything else is covered. I could Photoshop. Black abs. Black abs. Blabs. Blabs. It's funny. Sending a dick pic is the funniest thing ever, especially if you're not like a hung stud. Like if I was like, if I had like a fucking 10 incher, like I would be sending it to like, like all my teachers. I'd still be sending it to them. I'd be like, yeah, fucking say what you want, but you're thinking about this big old snake all day.
00:24:58
Speaker
Meanwhile I got like a fucking salt shaker in my pants. I'm like yo check this out. You're gonna fail that let me push everything Let me push all my meat back and maybe get a little more dudes with bigger penises. I thought would be worse people They're better people really they have their life has been easier to know do you think? Life's been easy everyone loves them like the Napoleon complex kind of yeah They don't have to they don't have to be funny or nice. They could just have a fat cock
00:25:21
Speaker
You just have a fat hog, you know what I mean? Once that thing gets introduced, yeah. They break up with people and they find someone else and make them go crazy off the dong, and then their life's awesome all the time. I was crazy off the dong for a while off that time. This guy who's fucking Jim so hard, Jim, grew a clit. I was talking like I had a clit in my pants, dude.
00:25:42
Speaker
I'm so happy you're out. What the fuck is that me? I am too. I am too. I'm glad you could talk about this with your boys. I know. Well, I didn't, I never thought that you got, I couldn't. I just, what if everyone, I just, I would have everyone was like, ew, get the fuck away from me. I don't want AIDS. I could have dealt with, think about that. My parents did that. My parents
LGBTQ+ Experiences and Humor
00:26:01
Speaker
did that to me. So I could have dealt with it from my friends, but yeah.
00:26:05
Speaker
It's cool. I like it. I I have I'm free. I don't have to you know I mean I don't hate yeah, you know I hate that part of myself Have you ever like tried to like travel outside of here and like experience like actual bigotry though? What do you mean like that? Time you went to Montgomery and fucking Alabama
00:26:25
Speaker
Dude, I've been in the fucking... No, I don't want to experience bigotry. No, but do you think it's still heavily prevalent in America? Definitely. Yeah, of course. And you're the worst of the bunch, according to the LGBT. You're bi. Oh, yeah, I am bi. That means you accept only two genders. Right, I'm a conservative. I'm a conservative in the eyes of the gay. You're a fascist fucking gay pig. I'm a fucking close-minded, self-hating, monster, faggot king. Damn.
00:26:52
Speaker
So the LGBT even hates the bees they hate the bee because that I'm I'm I mean so that means he's saying that there's two genders Then what about the T's aren't the T's also the two genders? I I'm T's I I believe that the T's have either one or the other thing in their pants Yeah, you know what I mean? So I don't fucking I don't do the fun. I actually don't take any stance I just I now here's the thing you can be non-binary and you could be all of that shit But I if I'm having sex with you, I like to have sex with sis
00:27:21
Speaker
Gendered men and cis females like women that think they're women and men that think they're men. That's what so I'm a cis man Yeah, you're a cis white man. It doesn't mean you're straight. You're a cis gendered white man. You are what you what is so cis is like I don't know what it means, but I know that's what it is.
00:27:38
Speaker
So yeah, but I'm saying like like that's just you yeah, you're you yeah, you're lying with your born gender It's funny. We've been talking about it for 10 seconds and my blood's boiling. I know it gets me all it gets me all worked up It gets me pissed off because it's like stop trying to fucking read books to the little kids I don't know. I don't know that just came out. I don't know. No, I mean I mean you fucking yeah, I'm pissed Just fucking put on like just teach him about fucking put on a pair of dungarees and fucking leave the glitter at home. Oh
00:28:06
Speaker
Yeah, please Paul even the girls your name's not tootsie. It's Paul. Yeah, your name's Ethan. You're not a horse We're just kidding we're just kidding we literally be a horse I encourage any human being to be a horse. Yeah fucking fucking glittery. I want yeah I want you to be a gay gimp Pikachu for all I give what you want to be a straight of faggotly puff dude No, but it's cool that I'm out It is it's sick
00:28:32
Speaker
Don't know I just fucking I just I've definitely been sleeping with a lot more men than women But I still I still love babes now. Do you think that's just cuz it's easier Probably because I feel like I don't have to do I don't have to sleep with men in secret anymore mm-hmm
00:28:46
Speaker
I think that's why it's cool. You also think like cuz men put out more easily than Yes, well that yeah. Yes, cuz I'm a man sex drivers a lot more I'm an unruly train wreck monster drug addict monster of human and for me hooking up with guys is way easier Do you think there's some people or some guys out there that just fuck or become gay because they just want to fuck sure I mean you're looking at her
00:29:12
Speaker
TJ's like, so where do I sign up? Grindr.com. Cox.net. If you went on, if you posted a shirtless picture on Grindr, you'd have sex by the end of the afternoon. Oh wow, okay. He's like, wait a minute. And you can be very specific about it too. You can be like, I only want to be blown. And then some fucking cum sucker will be like, that's crazy because my mouth is open.
00:29:38
Speaker
That lollipop made out of come yeah, are you on any of the dating sites you want tinder? No, I don't like the online dating I like I when I was single I couldn't stand it yeah I mean mind you all of my pictures were just me doing cannonballs and doable oh, but that's the best
00:29:55
Speaker
This is who you're with now. Retard. You're gonna go out and just retard. The thing about my dating profile is that it doesn't really say much about me, but it has a link to my social media. So if they really want to know about me, they can go check out like my stand up and shit like that. Like I don't I don't put too much on the thing. I hate when somebody has like looking for fucking like. Did you ever? I'm an adventurer. I'm like I do. I fucking I was.
Online Dating Adventures
00:30:23
Speaker
Have you ever done have you ever used hinge?
00:30:25
Speaker
I have Hinge. I have Hinge Bumble and Grinder. Hinge was like LinkedIn. I also have an app called Scruff. Hinge was like LinkedIn. What the fuck is Scruff? That's where you meet studs. Who's on Scruff? Boys. What happens on Scruff? Bad stuff. That sounds like a fucking puppy sharing app. Are you guys doing drugs on the podcast right now? We are, I'm sorry. Hell yeah, dude. So what happens on Scruff? Scruff. You find bearded women.
00:30:56
Speaker
Weirded women. Does that have to be charged? No. Are you just not pulling hard enough? I don't think I am. Yo, I gotta... Can I fart? Yeah, go for it. If anything, fart on the mic. That's what I was gonna do. That's what I was gonna do. John's gonna fart into the microphone now. Here comes prepare, ladies and gentlemen. Trigger warning. That should also be a rule. We should have to fart. If you have to fart, you fart in the mic.
00:31:22
Speaker
There's a tiny it's like it sounds like a mouse open a door at the middle of the night. There's things smell like cancer. Probably very mighty. It's fucking stinks, dude. It stinks. No, I don't think it's charged. Hit it. All right. All right. Fine. All right. We gotta keep this ball rolling. We're 30 minutes in. He's on his phone. Scruff. Scruff is just like Grindr where like
00:31:51
Speaker
Like you just there's no matching you just who's nearby and you can just like hit them up. It's just wieners Yeah, whoa is there anybody on there like fucking like a teacher like any teachers you I've looked I've looked there's nobody no no I like how that there's like a dating profile where all the profile pics are just wieners Like this guy What the fuck is that Is that what's considered a sexy pic go back to that other pic
00:32:20
Speaker
I mean, I feel like it's like this one or like what is yeah, what is that? That's a lot of like the shit. It's like they want to see your body Well, I mean I feel like if you want to see my body chat me up, you know what I mean? No, that guy's like listen. I'm a fucking freak of nature, but there's a lot of freaks There's a light there's like a leg on scruff. It's a lot of kink a lot of freak a lot of you know what I mean? Okay pups. There's a lot of pups open up to like a lot of pups
00:32:46
Speaker
A lot of pups, what do you mean pups? Dogs. A human, like a dude with a dog mask on. Why is there so- I want to just get a dog, I want to get a leather dog mask. I hooked up with a guy that had a leather dog mask and I asked him if I could try it on. He said my head was too big. Do you think- I don't understand what- It won't work.
00:33:05
Speaker
It won't fit your head. I'm getting turned off watching you try to squeeze your head in my dog mask. Yeah Well, what kind of dog with like a chihuahua? No, it was like a fucking schnauzer I don't like I feel like I don't understand why like Like what do you call it? What do you where they call it when they dress up as animals and you want to fuck furries? I don't understand why furries are like becoming so like I hate them. I don't like them. I don't like them I don't like so weird to me. I don't like them
00:33:31
Speaker
It's not like I don't think they should not do their thing. It's the one sexuality where I think they should really keep it to themselves Yeah, I don't want to see I don't want my little kid to fucking do. Oh, what do they do? Oh, yeah, especially when they come with the kids. What's that line? That's a lime-green fox. What's he doing? I'm like, well he wears that to go fuck someone else dressed like that It was like that's weird. Is that what it is? Is that what furries do?
00:33:53
Speaker
Do they just fucking fairy costumes? I am not like the embassy on fairyism, but like in my mind It's scary and like almost like pedophilic Because I've seen like videos of like a dude like walking around on all fours dressed like a dog at the park Yeah, I'm like little kids are coming up to like pet him and I'm like fucking disgusting. Yeah
00:34:11
Speaker
It's like it's like it's like oh my it's like the video was like oh my god when you notice and I was like what the fuck am I supposed to notice and then I looked down and it's got hands instead of paws and I was like here's the fun now here's what would be funny about that though the fucking dog taking a shit on the slide
00:34:28
Speaker
in front of a bunch of kids and puts his real naked peach on an asshole. Oh, that's a human asshole. Wait a minute, that thing's fucking peach looking. That guy's looking at my dog's asshole. That guy's looking at my dog's asshole. Yo, what about if you- You're not a dog. You know what would be really funny? You know what would be really funny? Putting a dog in a human suit.
00:34:49
Speaker
Putting a dog in a human suit and doing reverse furryism. Yeah, that's my sexuality Yeah, I'm gonna get my cat to dress up like a little guy. I'm very vanilla sexually like I'm more into you know what I'm into I'm into finding out what they like and trying that I'm like I'm like Andrew Zimmer, and I'm like going around the world trying stuff like this is like a Bulls testicle You're like a chameleon. You're trying to like
00:35:10
Speaker
I just want to like yeah like what are you like she's like he's like the mic he's like Mike Rowe I'm like like I might find something that I'm into you know going out and hooking up like taser like for me like I'm not gonna for me I'm not gonna like introduce anything weird I like like regular
00:35:27
Speaker
Ever I like it regular has there ever been something that like it was introduced where you're like, yeah Yeah, so I don't I don't like rope. I don't like being tied up. Okay, very I didn't think I didn't I didn't think I would care and then I got put on my back on my arms and my arm fell asleep my one arm fell asleep and I was like I literally could I was getting my dick sucked and I went soft because of how Uncomfortable my guys like guys
00:35:54
Speaker
Are you good? And Jim's like, my fucking arms feel like ginger ale, dude. My arms feel like ginger ale. And he's like, I feel like I would like rope. I would like to have, I would like to be tied up, but at the same time, like, like my biggest fear is that my girlfriend would start tickling me.
00:36:13
Speaker
Because I would fucking have a heart attack. I would literally freak out. I would say every mean thing I could ever think about to her and then have a stroke and die. Nothing behind the back. I'm insanely ticklish. It's more so like the light tickle on the armpit's not bad. It's the fingers digging into the armpit makes me scream. You can bind my hands. They have to be in the front. Okay.
00:36:35
Speaker
But like I'm not that doesn't literally it doesn't do it. I've I've tried a bunch of shit nothing really does it for me I like romance. Okay. I like you want to make love that's what I'm saying rom-com. Yeah I mean now there are time there are times when you want when you want it nice and when you're drunk And you want it like bad you want it nasty you want to do it nasty you want to throw a lit candle now I will paddle somebody though
00:37:00
Speaker
I will, I did like. I'll paddle someone not sexually. I'll just, someone's like, you know, hit me with this paddle. I'd be like, sure. I've done the paddle. I've done the paddle thing. I do like that. I think that's fun. What do you say in between? Yeah. You want to know what I'm like? I start fucking, I start dropping like movie, movie lines, dude. Yeah. Like diehard lines. Yeah.
00:37:19
Speaker
You're like die hard was actually a Christmas man. Yeah, it's a textural thing. Sorry. Yeah, I start. I start. I start doing like Milo and Otis like theme song. Yeah. Oh shit. Fuck. It's scruff. Scruff on Scruff. Yeah, you want to see it? Get alert. What does it say? I'll show you right now. It says I'm trying to take you to Poon Town and then an ex exclamation point. Yeah, food town is coming. So am I. Yeah, man's pussy. There we go.
00:37:49
Speaker
Oh, yeah, baby. Oh my God. It looks like a fucking it literally looks like a fucking hot water dog. Some guy for the listener, somebody just sent Jim a fucking boiled hot dog sticking out of the basketball shorts. Here we go. Oh my God. What's the I don't know where the where the dicks coming from. Hell yeah. Well, yeah, it was a guy stroking his hot dog.
00:38:12
Speaker
Where's he at in the shower? Yeah, he's in the shower. Oh, he's washing it off. He's washing it off, dude. Just nothing. Just washing my penis. You want to come over, stranger? That's literally exactly what it is. Hey, stranger, I'm just washing my penis. That's literally how exactly how it is. So what happens when you go over? I go over. We start hooking up.
00:38:29
Speaker
Do you bring... Do you bring a hot dog bun? Champagne? Yeah, I bring champagne. I'm like, can you bring gay shit? Yeah. What you bring? Fuck, I'm like... Yeah, I bring an edible arrangement. I put charcuterie on my ass cheese. Yeah, he brings a charcuterie board, dude. Yeah, I put my ass on a wooden plate. Jim brings a bunch of cured meats, cheeses, and fucking melons. Melon, yeah. Okay, yeah, I'm feeding this dude cantaloupe and busy. Jim wears a mink coat and earmuffs over there. Yeah, dude.
00:38:57
Speaker
I feel like a gay hookup, like the way you're describing it, it's just like, yeah, you wanna come over and fuckin', you know? Dude, I fucked in a car, I fucked outside. Dude, a hog. What's on the side? Like, fucked outside.
00:39:08
Speaker
Just out where? In the woods. In the woods? Where did you find him? In the woods. He dropped his pin. I had to go find him. What the fuck? That was... Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. I fucking got coordinates. Oh my God. I fucking got helicopter'd in. Like, it was like, you hear me? Yeah, you were like, where are you? He was like, he was like, Fox tropical. I know something.
00:39:33
Speaker
He was like Foxtrot whiskey tango. Yeah, I'm like oh my god We're hitting that fucking World War two style, dude. They did trench. They did trench gay sex Fucking gay sex trends drop a pin in the woods. I'll go find you I'll sniff it out like a fucking gray hails. He's like a Gilly Sue and you have to Bridge to Teradicia Hell yeah
00:39:57
Speaker
Yes, skid Yeah, the Chronicles of shartnia The fucking lion the bitch in the wardrobe dude Asseland? Asseland park dude Asseland? Yeah, fucking Whore the Rings. That's so fucking funny. You got dropped his pin in the woods. I fucking went out there You could have got fucking Gabby Petito. I fucking was that's what I wanted. I
00:40:22
Speaker
You're like, brrrr me! All of these hookups are suicide missions that I keep coming home from. Yeah, dude. You're just doing fucking homosexual jihad. I am, dude. I'm crusading. I'm 40 years in the desert for me, Mike. That's so funny. Oh,
Outdoor Encounters and Humor
00:40:38
Speaker
my God. So what about you on dating house? You meet up with anybody? Yeah, but never at the woods. You never meet up with anybody? You just freak them out in the fucking messages? I slept with Bigfoot.
00:40:52
Speaker
I mean, it's depending on what I am mentally. I feel like I'll go through stages. Sometimes I want to be the romantic, sometimes I'm just like, I don't care. Straight to business. You want to be a player? You want to be like 50 cent. 50 cent?
00:41:04
Speaker
Seriously, but are you are you are you active on there? Are you getting the phone at all? I don't really you the online dating I had when I was on dating apps I had the roughest time and I was getting fetishized by women which was really funny. They're like I'm so excited for fat boy summer I'm like what about what about whale winter you fucking blimp? I was in reply. I'm like fuck you blimp. I don't mind that I feel like I also get fetishized because of being Asian definitely
00:41:30
Speaker
Oh, yeah, definitely you want to stick your fucking Texas instrument Yeah, show me that textures instrument man, I want to watch you play Pokemon go Yeah, I want a Pokemon go in your mouth yeah
00:41:50
Speaker
Dude, but like I think my like philosophy on like good relationships is like both parties are fetishizing the other person Yeah, of course. Yeah, you should be deeply attracted to your person. Yeah, so I love the term your person that makes me laugh hard I think I think I like it. You're my person. Nice person. Okay. It's nice knowing that someone's out. Yeah, all right Search for Bigfoot search for big dick Yeah
00:42:15
Speaker
Dude, buttfoot? I don't know. That's crazy that you let some fucking, you let some strange person just drop their location in the woods and then you went on a mission to find them. Took two seconds. I don't understand like outdoor fucking though. It took two seconds. I fucked outdoors before, it's phenomenal. Really? It's so scary and you come like a jackal. It's so scary. You come like a fucking cheetah dude. There's a bear out there somewhere. Come like something's about to come get. I didn't even fuck dude, it was just a sock.
00:42:43
Speaker
That is a guy off in the woods. It was it was a it was a mutual Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg Sugg
00:43:04
Speaker
the whole like hookup app thing. I was just doing suck for suck a little bit. Suck for suck. I was doing suck for suck. I wanted to get my dick sucked and shit. Do you guys like flip a coin and see who goes first? It's always me because I'm going to bust really quick. Always every time. I have to go first. I have to go first because she gets over this.
00:43:21
Speaker
What is that like? What is that like? If you nut first, then you have post-nut clarity. Like, you know how you're just like so completely like... If I nut first, I think I have to go second, because if I get the ball first... If I were to fuck... If I were to fuck out of there... Yeah, I'm done. If I were... Like, if I was in a sand pit and had sex, I would literally turn around and kick fucking sand on my girlfriend when I'm done.
00:43:39
Speaker
Just cover it up like a turd just I can't like your mind is so like it's like you've never even thought about sex after you come What what is that? Sometimes if I got a fucking I gotta help her I fucking get one. I gotta get her one
00:43:52
Speaker
I'm in a better mood after I go. I'm in a happier mood. I'm more willing to do it after I've gone. It's the same concept of eating pussy. You want to eat pussy, then they want to give more.
00:44:12
Speaker
Yeah, I pretty much do it every time. You get a lady off, and they're more willing. I'm a simp. I do it all the time. And so if I get... Do you like kimchi? I do. Actually, it's... Your favorite. My favorite, yeah. My favorite. Little soy sauce. My favorite, yeah. Little soy sauce. Little cider rice. Your TJ slurps it up like one of those Asian ASMR girls.
00:44:36
Speaker
TJ somehow, like, all I get to see is a pod of, like, seafood, just a pussy in the middle, there's crabs all over it. TJ's about to do a fucking muff bang. So funny.
00:44:50
Speaker
Now, every time I've ever seen like Asian porn, there's always a little bit of hair on the kitty cat. Are you a hair guy? I don't mind it. I don't mind it either. I like it a little bit. I don't understand like where people are just like, oh, I like it. I like it. Well, I'm also not like tongue kissing Jerry Garcia. So like, yeah, I mean, shave around the mouth of it. Some control, like some maintenance. I like it. I like a little bit of hair on top. Like I like a little cap, but I don't like girl pubes. I think girl pubes are uglier than guy pubes though. Yeah. Cause we're all external. It's all the base that has hair. Yeah.
00:45:17
Speaker
Chicks will have like a hair, like a whole box. It's a hairy box. Oh, man. Oh, man. Yeah, it's very. Yeah, it's very. It's like it's like you can hear the desert. You can hear how hot it is. And on top of that, when you're when you're clapping cheeks, it just sounds like somebody testing out a mic. It's like.
00:45:41
Speaker
clap, there's no slapping sound. My sex sounds hilarious. There's so much, there's so much going on. Farting? There's so much farting and not. Sexual farting. That's a big thing. Gay farting? Gay farting? Farting or sex is like, whoa. Gay farting is so real. I expect it though. I mean, I'll expect it. Somebody pull a big Johnson out of you.
00:46:02
Speaker
Really couple fucking so it's a it's a butt queef. Yeah, we think They stink like shit though most definitely I'm over here. Those are going that way
00:46:20
Speaker
My nightmare is somebody turns me around like smell it. Oh my god I've had a I've had a couple different guys try to like full cycle like close the circuit where it's like it's been in my ass They want to put it. Oh my god once that's the last time that even happened remotely to me similar was I wiped my ass and didn't wash my Painting and then I was eating a peanut butter sandwich. I had doo-doo finging on my next every time I took a bite I was like, what's that coming from?
00:46:45
Speaker
I literally like fought the sandwich My own finger dude, I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, I had like it was like that kind of shit finger where you have it's like it's like it's like it's like hot wing fingernails I like hot wing fingernails you went fucking booty hole to mouth. I did it
00:47:05
Speaker
and once my god once I mean there was no duty it's only possible if it's a hot girl that does that there is no duty there was no duty there is no duty I promise there was invisible I wouldn't have I wouldn't have yeah there's probably invisible daddy
00:47:26
Speaker
There's the ghost of duty past on there, but yeah, that's not something I'm into at all my god. Yeah, but yeah remember that porn or that clip you're watching where the girls riding the guy on the couch and she puts her finger up her ass and then puts her finger up to his and those Stinks fuck yeah
00:47:43
Speaker
crazy that's crazy yeah smell my ass gay sex is so bad dude my butt I have a bad butt it's funny that you guys substitute that for as a pussy it were what else would they use I don't know I mean it feels good but here's the thing pussy feels better than asshole biologically yeah just a yeah but it's not bad it's not bad I'm sticking my news up and on
00:48:07
Speaker
What up in the butt? Yeah, I'm not fucking. Do you make love to a butt? Like, do you kiss on a butt? Yeah, I suck butt. You suck the butt hole? I suck on butt, dude. I imagine. Dude, I've... Yeah, I've... How are these dudes like, eat me out? Are these dudes like, fucking, you need to eat me out? I do that, too. I want to be eating out. Yeah, I say that, too, though. You say, eat me out? I'm
Hygiene and Personal Stories
00:48:25
Speaker
like, eat my... Eat my ass. Eat my fucking ass, queen.
00:48:29
Speaker
Yeah, no, I don't know dude. I've eaten. I've eaten ass like after a night out at the club, dude Yeah, me me talking to me talking during sex I smell like shit during sex. Okay. We're out like dancing and drinking all night. Like I pull my pants down smells like a hockey bag Oh, I'm so cautious. I need a shower. Yeah ball smells like a football helmet. Oh
00:48:49
Speaker
I had dinner, dude, literally like a month ago. I had, I had like a dinner date in this hot ass fucking restaurant. Where was it called? What kind of food? It was literally like, like, it was just like, it was a pub fair. It was like literally like burgers, fried chicken. Okay. I thought it was going to be like shook cheese. But it was like a wood fire oven place, but it was fucking burning hot the entire.
00:49:12
Speaker
So like I purposely ate like really like cuz I knew I was gonna do like stuff. I was gonna do action So I didn't want fucking you just had ice cubes I had ice salad. He had ice out would catch him a man. I salad I had like a picture of ham. What's a good pre-get? Like, what do you like? Have you ever been on a date? You know, you're gonna fuck a guy in the ass I won't really dude you're hitting buffalo wings. Come on. I won't eat. I won't eat What will they eat? Yeah, they'll eat
00:49:38
Speaker
But you don't care if I fucking eat the jerk chicken. You don't care if I get the fucking yeah Oh getting fingered by a dude who's got hot wing under his nail I did that I did that to sweet baby girl did I fingered her with hot wing fingers back like a couple years ago? Her pussy look like when a fucking cat eats a bee Blew up like when they're going to beagle eats a fucking hornet
00:50:01
Speaker
Crazy. Yeah, man. The vaginas are so versatile their way their way They got all sorts of problems you were like our boys shout out fucking. I'm not even gonna say his name. He fucking did honey play, dude Honey and it blew up it's suicide bombs itself and there was bits of pussy everywhere
00:50:22
Speaker
He covered his dick in organic honey, which is full of live enzymes, and he stuck it in her pussy and shut both her kidneys down. Oh, my God, dude. He shut her kidneys off. That's like taking a piece of beef jerky and sticking it in a CD player and seeing what happens. Also, this same friend is certifiably hogged up, so that honey got deep in her. He's hogged up. Isaac and I saw it. You saw it? Huge. He's got a huge wiener. It's hilarious.
00:50:51
Speaker
Is it like longer than his knee? His dick has a broken gait. I know that much. He's tall. He's 6'5". Is there a translation to Tall Guys and Big Donks? He sounds like this. Oh, I know this. Okay. His name rhymes with East Ick Adden. His name rhymes with Reese McFadden.
00:51:18
Speaker
Yeah, dude, honey pot. Yeah, honey. That's one of the funniest stories I've ever been told in my life. One of the funniest. He shut her kidneys off like a light switch.
Sexual Identity and Personal Experiences
00:51:26
Speaker
A little bit of honey dick. I one time was eating pussy with a fucking with pneumonia, right? I didn't know I had, I had walking pneumonia. I didn't know I had it yet. I was all short of breath. I was eating snakes all day and I was eating pussy and I coughed into the pussy and made her belly rise. I couldn't stop laughing and then she couldn't stop laughing. And then I got furious because I was horny, but I couldn't stop laughing.
00:51:48
Speaker
We always like, all right, stop laughing now, like bend over again. Bend over, bend over. Let me fucking bum you out again. You can't mix humor with horny? I can't do it. Really? I think the idea of it sounds so hot, but then I'm like, what am I laughing with someone? It's like, all right, all right. That's all of my sex is like that. Dirty talk makes me laugh so hard. It's kind of like the comic relief, you know, like a movie.
00:52:17
Speaker
I teach I need you to talk dirty to me right now doctor you I'm some fucking hot-ass bitch that you're fucking plowing and she's like God I've always wanted a fucking hung fucking like just buff Korean I'm more like what is your dirty talk? I want to hear what you got to say judge you Here's the scenario you're deep in the pussy you're deep in a chicks pussy, and she looks like ice place I
00:52:39
Speaker
It's not really like aggressive. It's more like I'm gonna caress you I'm gonna I'm gonna want to make you come what like I'm gonna get you off My objective in this is if you come I come let you let me come I come hey If you banging it right So you're so you're saying are you saying this like a half inch away from her face like on me?
00:53:06
Speaker
I want to caress, let me caress you. T.J. is like, I'm going to make you come. I want to make you come. I'm going to break a door. T.J. basically T.J. gets a girl naked, ties her to the bed, then makes her watch them break boards.
00:53:20
Speaker
We go to the basement and we do karate. As soon as I get to my green belt. I would fuck you but I need my brown belt first. TJ gets her naked, he ties her to the bed, he makes her watch them break boards, then he makes them watch Cook Little Bits of Steak on a Hot Rock.
00:53:45
Speaker
He's got his brown belt telling girls I'm gonna caress you to you calm. Oh my god. So awesome, dude. Yeah, you're like Asian Fabio
00:53:57
Speaker
What's your what's your line my line is like my line like I hit a good girl good girl I hit a girl and I hit an atta girl one time and I did atta girl I really felt like I threw a frisbee to a big dog
00:54:11
Speaker
I'm like I now bring it back My dirty talk like I'll be like I have to be drunk to have dirty talk yes I'm drunk as shit like that one like I said something so bad that I like couldn't stop laughing I was like I know you've been fucking to thinking about this shit all day I'm like shit I didn't say dance you've been thinking about this shit all day. It's like like what the emails I
00:54:37
Speaker
Thinking about fucking that shit all day getting nailed by an email. Yeah one time I the first time I ever tried dirty talk was the funniest thing ever I just narrated what was going on. I was like it's going in your pussy now I mean, that's what I feel when in your pussy, but I didn't say it like oh I like the fucking going your pussy now. I feel like that's what like good a dirty talk is it's like almost like a play-by-play You're like a commentator. Yeah, well here's the thing I my biggest weakness is when a chick starts making dolphin noises when they're like
00:55:03
Speaker
I'm like I like do that I come so hard I fart I feel like I have a soundboard right there cuz I say the same things I'm like you fucking like that I say whose pussy is this with my dick and a guy's I do yeah I go whose dick is this and I go and I go and then she's like it's she's like I said whose dick is this she was like it's your dick like obviously
00:55:25
Speaker
Yeah, like who's pussy is this I say that to a guy's ass you say who's pussy is this and he's like Not yours, dude. Mine, man. It's my pussy. He goes that pussy's mine, brother
00:55:39
Speaker
So give me another little bit of dirty talk. Can you put some sexual music on? Oh my god, yeah. I want to hear TJ put some really sexual stuff on. I got you, my god. Alright. TJ, let's talk dirty to each other on this podcast. That would be such a good segment. We should just talk fucking dirty to each other. Should I, who should I be? I'll be the girl, I'll be the girl. Alright, I'll be the- Okay, TJ, you freak. TJ, you freak, bro. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, get the music going. And we can trim this up too. You can just do it right to this bit.
00:56:05
Speaker
Hey, yeah, put some real sexy on something that's gonna make us make me and TJ so hot down there. What's the nasty? What's the nastiness? This ain't nasty. I want that nasty shit, dude
00:56:24
Speaker
Where's the nasty? Put on like 70s erotic music. Yeah. I want that Barry White, I want that instrumental Barry White. There's a freak playlist on Spotify that sucks. Yeah, it's for fat white women to blow black eyes, too. Yeah, it is. I know you think about my big old booty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you think it's stinky like fries. And if I do this, can you take him to the park? I want something slower.
00:56:55
Speaker
September dude, yeah You know that's that's gay erotic music. This is whole foods. Do you guys blow each other in a whole food for that? Yeah, yeah some of this Hey, baby, hi Asian dikes go Act two Asian dikes
00:57:21
Speaker
Alright. What's your dirty talk? My dirty talk? Yeah, give me some dirty talk. I'll be the chick. Yeah, you guys are in the bed right now. I'll be the chick and I'll be like, where do you, like, you should go to my room. Alright, let's go. Alright. Alright, let's go. Pat, pat, pat. That's me walking. Pat, pat, pat. I mean, right? It's like, I'm so fine. Alright, TJ. TJ, you're a Jack Black guy. I'm a fat white chick. I'm like, let's go to my room, baby. Let's go to my son's room. Let's go to my son's room real quick.
00:57:50
Speaker
Now, give me some of your best dirty talk. We make it to, you know, you make it to the room. She's a baddie. Her nipples are symmetrical. Man, your nipples are symmetrical as hell. That's so Asian of you to say that. If I put like one of those like carpenter level things, the bubble will be right in the middle. What are you gonna do to me, Tage? I'm gonna play with your nipples like I'm trying to find the radio station.
00:58:18
Speaker
Like I'm trying to find WMMR. WMMR. Everything that rocks. Oh yeah. Got some good music on for the segment. Yeah. Yeah, baby. All right. Hold on. TJ nail, nail, nail John right now. TJ Riz right now. Riz John right now. Give me every, give me your best. I was already talking to you right now.
00:58:47
Speaker
We're like seconds before we we're seconds before we just jump each other's bones. Yeah, right before you make out TJ. Go ahead. What do you say? I won't go down on you. Okay. What else? Oh, yeah. What else? Actions speak louder than words. Shit!
00:59:04
Speaker
Dude, Chix loves fucking stupid talk like that. He'd be like, yeah, fuck around and find out. They're like, oh, yeah? I'm like, yeah, fuck dumb bitch. It's so funny you just mean to it. Yeah, you fucking dumb bitch. During my single time, my single time, one of the best pick up lines to a girl is, don't fucking touch me. Somebody walks by. I would just be at the bar and a girl would walk by my back. I'd be like, don't fucking touch me.
00:59:29
Speaker
Gross. Don't get away from me. My favorite pick up line is, hey fatty. Hey ugly. Nah, I'm not tall enough to be mean to chicks. I feel like it's like a psychology, like for both men and women. It's because you got to be tall. You can't be mean to chicks unless you're like six too. I think you could be mean to chicks. It doesn't work. I'm like, are you fucking midget fucking fat?
Dating, Pick-Up Lines, and Shocking Stories
00:59:56
Speaker
It was really funny when they interviewed girls on the street about high preferences, but they'll ask like a whale. They'll ask like a blob chicken. She's like, she's like, she's like, I think about like six total six three. The people were like, the comments are like burn. Yeah. Someone's like, someone should cut her down for the blubber. They should make lamp oil at her. I wouldn't waste a piece of her. Meanwhile, black dudes are like, oh shit. Oh my God. The final boss of pussy dude.
01:00:26
Speaker
Where have you been all my life? Where have you been all my life? What's your big pickup line? If you run into a dude or a chick, what is your pickup line? Damn. That's tough. It's always something. Like, I always try to give me something. I always try to be funny. It's always different. Tell me your experience. You know what? You know what I always do? I always do the line. I always do the line with the dog. That's the one I use over and over again. That is so good. The one when I see somebody walking. That's a good dog. Hey, that's a good boy.
01:00:53
Speaker
Dog ain't bad either. Hell yeah, dude. That's nice. I do that one all the time. It's never worked, but it has gotten, like, a couple of, like, smiles, so. Yeah, they're like, they're like, wait. But, like, I only know how to, like, try to be, like, funny. That's my, like, that's my... Yeah, it's the only riz I got, too. I tried to be sexy one night at a bar, and it was, I was tanking so hard.
01:01:15
Speaker
I can't be sexy unless they already like me. Like I can't be sexy unless the chick already likes you. I have to rizm by being funny. I always had to riz a girl by being funny. I can't try to be cute. The don't fucking touch me thing was always a good, that was a good like, you know, don't fucking touch me. All right. And then they would turn around and goof around. I feel like I have to like get hints. Like they need to like set like, Oh, this is like, you know, open the door. Like for me, I got to drop something in one of the other drink.
01:01:43
Speaker
For me, it's mostly making them pass out. What's your favorite pickup line? Probably when I drop the pill on a drink. We don't do that. We don't do that. We don't do that. Fucking hit him over the head with the family. How expensive that shit is? We don't do that. You know how fucking expensive that is? You know how expensive fucking girl d- rape drugs are? Girl drugs? Girl drugs? You know how expensive fucking aphrodisiacs are, dude? You just start calling it that. That's not a fucking day rape, it's aphrodisiac. Nah, I think, nah.
01:02:13
Speaker
No, babe. No, babe. No. I didn't put nothing. So funny. All I did was put an oyster in a martini. Yeah. No, no, no, always calling calling calling fucking GHB fucking aphrodisiac is so funny. That's an aphrodisiac. Yeah. What do you mean? Ambien? No. Well, I hit her with a tramp. Man. Yeah. Like you were an aphrodisiac. She fucking passed out. Fucking got all wet.
01:02:41
Speaker
She got a little wet look what she was wearing you think she wanted that oh come on She had a short skirt on I fucking hit over there with a stick Come on. Can you blame me? Yeah, so funny. That's not funny, but it is she's wearing a sex uniform Yeah, yeah, she's just sex workers. She's got a fucking name tag on so funny my
Fear of Being Drugged and Hero Fantasies
01:03:00
Speaker
goodness. It's really funny Silly, we're just like the goofin Guys are the same. I mean guys get drug to guys. Yeah guys are the same. I know I know my biggest fear
01:03:10
Speaker
Yeah, I'm like honestly That guy's 5 11 Larry's is if I got drunk and drug him if I got drugged I can handle my shit. I'd probably love it You would probably you Jim would be getting raped, but it would just be talking like he's having a stroke the whole time But
01:03:34
Speaker
Yeah I don't talk when I bottom dude. My biggest fear is getting drugged. No honestly because like having seen those like clips of like this dude like going out of like these women's like apartments and they're just like oh they drugged me and they're like kind of taking my fucking organs.
01:03:51
Speaker
What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, he was like, he was like drugged out like he got his phone and he was like out in the hallway and like two ladies were like, hey, come back inside. Come back inside. He's like, no, don't know. They're fucking trying to drug me. And he was like trying to make noise to like get like attention. I was like, oh, shit. That would be scary. Yeah.
01:04:08
Speaker
If I heard that, like if I heard that like eavesdropping, I would hop out and crack one of the chicks right hook and be like, best opportunity. I get to like, I really get the fucking... I'm a hero. I get to punch a chick and be a hero. I get to punch a girl and be a hero. That's like cooler than like winning a hundred thousand bucks. That guy rocked the fuck out of that girl and now he's got a hundred thousand dollars. So much cooler than fucking like being a good person. Yeah, beating women. Dude, getting drugged by a chick would be the funniest thing ever.
01:04:37
Speaker
That's crazy That's I know I would see if you were like a celebrity Yeah, like a big-time stand-up comedian like an actor like I was at this club This girl was like trying to fucking get pregnant and fucking drug me. There's some crazy bitches Wanted the fucking he's like it's gonna take two to knock him Yeah, Lizzo fucking survives eight halcyons I mean my left butt cheek fell asleep
01:05:04
Speaker
I do love her. I do love her. I love Lizzo. We love Lizzo. I love her. We stay in Lizzo. We stay with Lizzo. We stay with her. Say her fucking name. Lizzo. Lizzo. Lizzo would take, like, in order to drug Lizzo, you'd have to give her- Like, I would sleep with Lizzo, but she's not my type, you know what I mean? You'd have to give her a fucking house seat on the side of the Stanley Cup, dude. How does that make sense? How, like, you would sleep with someone, but they're not your type? Shit, she's not my, she's not my type, but I would- You're saying she'd be fun to sleep with? I like her so much, I would, yeah. Ah, okay. She'd be fun to sleep with.
Self-Pleasure and Humorous Scenarios
01:05:31
Speaker
Yeah, shoot. Yeah, she'd be both to watch sleep together that we would talk crazy We would talk so here in lizard sleeping together would be phenomenal to watch Me and TJ would just get fucking just Tyson chicken tendies. Yeah, I like these. Yeah, I like these like tiny little white dudes look like Hershey's cookies and green bars, dude You guys would both eat tiny white guys I would shake him in my hand like yeah, she's like you want a chocolate you want a chocolate-covered white midget I'm like
01:05:58
Speaker
So far you do hand jobs. Yeah, I fucking hate a hand job I would literally rather not have sex and get a hand job I I've gotten Roth hand jobs where I'm like it's like take off the utility Take off the undertaker gloves and fucking like getting a hand job. It's like I might I'll just go be a trash man I'll fucking go jerk off
01:06:21
Speaker
I'd write I ever jerked off where you're like legit having sex with yourself like you're not just like beating off like you're like I'm gonna go I'm like doing it like I'm gonna like get it kind of hard. Yeah, I'm gonna like work it up play with it Because I love such means like I gotta see the fucking masturbate. I gotta do this right now I'm not even hard. I'm gonna go fucking just like shake it violent I get it over I get it over with so quick when I do it myself you ever had sex with you had sex with yourself I mean not like like I've never like caressed myself like I
01:06:47
Speaker
I like watch the porn and like take my time. I've jerked off with low like doing like having sex with yourself feels like if I jerk off with lotion or lube. Yeah. Yeah. Where I slick my dick up. I feel like I'm doing something extra because I'm a dry I dry beat and I get it. It's over in a minute. Yeah, like I'm it's done like I like a hand job. I'm like
01:07:06
Speaker
fucking put your mouth on it. Suck my dick. It will make my day amazing. It will fix my year. My mom's dead. Put it in your mouth. Suck my dick. We talked about this last night. I was talking to my girlfriend and her friends, and then their boyfriends all child.
01:07:24
Speaker
If you were a guy for a day, what would you all do? They're like, I'm probably like, I don't know. I was like, probably fucking think straight for a day. Yeah. What would you think straight for a day?
Gender-Swapping and Teenage Awakenings
01:07:35
Speaker
They're like, what would you do? I was like, I would literally find the ugliest autistic guy to bus stop and blow his fucking brains out, dude.
01:07:41
Speaker
Would fuck the ugliest guy of all time I was like spit in my face Fucking I would like I would bite his fucking gooch I would literally Traumatize this dude and fucking make him feel like a king at the same time I'd be so I'd be such a chair funny that I have a person in mind I have such a charitable whore. I'd be such a charitable. I know I would literally get fucked the entire day of a woman shout out the horse shout out the horse did their heroes honestly
01:08:08
Speaker
There's no such thing as maybe girls like I would fucking jerk off. I'm like that is fun. Yeah, like I would I would check out too I wouldn't want to see like what that feels like that nice Yeah, and if I was a woman I want to fucking I would I would put a dildo in me or something I'm gonna feel it. Oh, yeah, what's that? What if you're like? I don't want to go back to church. I don't want to go back I like me in a check. I like me in a fucking retard, and then he feels like blowing my nose You know I mean it's the same thing to me. It's gotta happen
01:08:34
Speaker
Yeah, I gotta get this out of me, dude. I'm gonna take a shit. Yeah, exactly. This thing, I gotta expel this demon. We get like that, and then our mind is completely different. Women, that's why women are psychotic. They don't ever have any fucking closure from coming.
01:08:46
Speaker
They just couldn't keep going. We were like, we do it, we're like, ugh, man, I'm gonna go make a milkshake. I want to fucking lay down and put cartoons on. I want to go back to doing whatever the fuck I was doing. I want to lay on my stomach. I want to lay on my stomach with fart. Women come and then they're like, okay. When do I come again? That's why they tie women up and use power tools on their vagina because they get tired. They put the machine on.
01:09:09
Speaker
Men, we like, come and then like, you know, two hours later, we're alright, but like, we don't have any closure at all. That's why they're psychotic. That's why they run over curbs. If I come twice in an evening, my dick becomes a useless bag of shit. No, if I could, dude, I remember when I was in middle school and high school, I would beat off in the shower, I would hit two loads in the shower. And the second one- That's brilliant. Back to back. And the second one- That's brilliant. The second one looked like I was trying to save a drowning chipmunk dude. I'm trying to shake the water out of him.
01:09:49
Speaker
It's so fun. I'd be in the shower like sitting on the edge of the tub. I'm like the after the first one like a second I'm like for some reason my headed like you got it and in my head. I used to think about that game See our legends of the hidden temple Nickelodeon Kids would run like the Egyptian like mine. I used to think of that timer and the crowd being like five four
01:10:01
Speaker
You fetched a fucking chipmunk out of the creek yeah, it's like I fetched a dying chipmunk
01:10:12
Speaker
I'm like jerking a white dick like just like a fucking bloodless fucking just like a fleshy patch You're just at that point. I'm just like hitting like a big-ass clit dude. Just fucking You want to do anything, but I'm giving like retard hand on it. I'm like mmm That's what I was doing when I first started getting hard. I was like giving retard hand at it The first time I ever came the first time I literally went I edged
01:10:36
Speaker
I was like what happens after this because I thought afterwards the doctor was gonna knock on the door and tell my mom that I'm the devil
01:10:44
Speaker
Literally got so close to the edge and then like a little bit of dog water came out and I was like I was like whoa I talked to my cousin about my cousin's like I've been doing it for a year and I was like all right well if you're going to hell I'll go to brother I'm coming so then the second day I did it and I literally was like I smelled it it smelled like fucking like sourdough it was that first load batter news that first batter is the first batter you make Daddy's first batch
01:11:12
Speaker
On my mom's couch. What was the fattest nut you ever busted literally like the other day I shoot like I shoot like exhausting like cry loads I Shoot loads were like I think I think we're like Jesus when do guys reach their sexual peak? When is that?
01:11:34
Speaker
14 yeah, is that what it is like really early? No, I mean I used to get crazy. I used to get bad. I used to get leg bouncing boners are crazy That's what he used to get boners. I don't get bone. I get my dick. I get hard. I used to get boners like Booners and Thunder clapping funny cuz the other fun Thunder clapping was really yeah, my nuts are fucking loud Okay, I like getting a boner. I don't have boners anymore now
01:12:01
Speaker
I got a hard dick, but ain't no boner. Ain't no boner. I felt like my shit was going up like this. My shit was like this. My shit was pointy. My shit was like a knife. I had a knife dick. I had basketball shorts with no underwear on, so it was like hitting the seam of the shorts. I had my dick tip on the seam. Yeah, I remember I used to be able to whatever at one point.
01:12:23
Speaker
I was so, Jesus, that's so insane. We all experience this. It's hilarious. All the kids get heart. The million people that listen to this podcast are gonna fucking hear about this. Yeah, the millions. I literally talk, I literally, that was the grossest episode of any podcast I've ever done.
01:12:38
Speaker
You basically made everyone sick, and then we had a couple minutes of other banter. I hope you guys enjoyed much. I talked about sucking a dick that was in my ass, dude. That's so gross. And that's why everything we do here is hypothetical. We do everything, yeah. I'm like, pass the blunt to me. Jim has never sucked a dick from the back. I've never had sex. I've never sucked a dick from the back. I've never had sex, ever.
01:13:05
Speaker
That's what I figured. I've never had sex with him. I've also never had sex with him. I've never been naked in my life. I've never had sex with him. I've never even seen a girl naked in my life. Yeah, I used to talk up with this guy that really liked getting his ass eaten, but I
Explicit Recounting of a Sexual Encounter
01:13:18
Speaker
would suck it from there. I'd pull it back and suck it from the back. I had that done to me one time. Pulled my dick back like a Rottweiler cop.
01:13:25
Speaker
Yeah, I didn't I didn't have like when you pulled it back though. There wasn't much dig So he was yeah, he was just jamming his nose into my balls It was what it felt like you know what else you know it is crazy the balls getting cradled
01:13:38
Speaker
Getting your ball sucked is awesome, too. Oh, it is. It's because it's a huge trust thing. I've also got to bite down and pop one. I was getting banged this one time, and this dude kept slapping my bags, slapping my dogs. It was pretty crazy. I didn't like it at all, but he did it like four different times. He was like, you like that F word? Yeah. I was like, stop faggot. Stop being a fucking faggot.
01:14:05
Speaker
You'd be a fucking faggot. Yo, just fuck me. Stop touching me. Stop touching me all gay and shit. Like, fuck my ass. Don't touch my dick and balls, dude. Yeah. I can handle that. I'll jerk off while you're fucking me. Don't fucking start slapping my nuts. Hell yeah. I think we're good, brothers. That was 114. Yeah. Is that enough? I think we got it on there. Let's go out on the sample. That's it. Front ribs too. Is that lunatic? Yes. You know lunatic? Lunatic? Uh-uh. Oh, if you don't know lunatic, then you're banging me to the right.