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EP 3: Catuschwitz
142 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Dating Technology, Childhood Hell Rooms, and Fighting Brock Lesnar's Daughter.
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode 3 Kickoff
00:00:12
Speaker
We're here we're back close to hell podcast. I'm Jim Gillespie to my right John profit across from me TJ Lee as always Welcome back episode 3 how the fuck are we baby? I'm
Cultural Fusion Restaurants Discussion
00:00:24
Speaker
good good. We just had to set up shout out Bo cellas shout out, but cellas deli
00:00:29
Speaker
Shout out Bocelli's. Yeah. Nothing better than the Italian deli taken over by the Koreans. There you go. And then everything's cooked by the Mexicans, so it's like, boom. Yeah, I love it. It's a cultural melting pot. It's a real melting pot. I love fusion restaurants. I love fusion. Yeah, that's it. I love fusion. I love fusion. I love fusion. It's amazing. I love a fusion.
00:00:51
Speaker
brings the best about our culture. I love Afro Caribbean. I love Asian fusion. What do you think is like the most interesting fusion foods that like would be like the most intricate? Oh, there's a there's a place probably Chinese. There's a fucking probably Chinese, right? Anything Chinese.
00:01:09
Speaker
There's a fucking restaurant in Wynwood that's like fucking like Polish African. Oh, yeah. It's fucking crazy. It's like literally nuts. It's fucking like a goat head pierogi. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Deep fried bowling pin.
00:01:27
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, you ever had yeah, you ever had pierogi served in a fucking Mets World Series Jersey It's like yeah, it's like a fucking jerk chicken meat pie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what a
Polish Cuisine and Deli Experiences
00:01:39
Speaker
Polish make besides pierogies. They make like cold soup
00:01:42
Speaker
cold soup yeah be like cold soup goat milk soup goat milk soup yeah borscht what's borscht it's fucking cold and red borscht it sucks it's a scary that's scary whites it's like vinegar and away from them tj borscht borscht stay away from the scary whites that cold hard soup they will eat it's just a bowl of vinegar that's all borscht is oh that sounds awful
00:02:08
Speaker
Borscht. I'll try it. It makes you last a long, cold, dark month. Makes you last longer? Yeah, it makes you last longer in the... Last longer with borscht. Cold, wet, long, and dark. That's what they... Yeah. How was everyone's food? Did you have a good... What'd you get? You got the chicken fingies? I got the fingies, fries, obviously, clearly, clearly, obvi. I got a cheesesteak. They just rolled up like a pinner.
00:02:35
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got like a fucking I got like a little like a little like John didn't realize that he went he bought a dime bag off at a worst dealer Yeah, I got a fucking beef doobie It was a 70s doobie too. I feel in the middle I feel bad like going back up to did the fella did the fattest most colonizing thing I think I've ever seen in my life Yeah, you're making it seem like I went up there and was like yo get over here. I'll tell the story
00:03:15
Speaker
Little tiny nothing it was literally gonna be a mayo sandwich with like a hint of meat a little Salt Bay of beef beef I went up in like so I went up and asked for more meat. I mean I would go bad I mean 15 bucks right like 15 bucks every time the fucking guy rings me up. It's 15 bucks He tried to fucking put a chicken finger on there to beef it up. It still wasn't I tried to pack it out I tried to pack it down. He tried to pack it out. He tried to stop. He's trying to
00:03:23
Speaker
I ordered a cheese stick with ketchup, mayo, salt, and pepper.
Humorous Porn Preferences Discussion
00:03:41
Speaker
stuff I
00:03:41
Speaker
Alright, if you're able to even put like a whole finger in your cheesesteak, then that just says that there's not enough meat in there. I could've put my whole hand in there. Bro, cheesesteak should be bustling. Yeah. It's supposed to be a mess, I think. Cheesecake is the black cock of foods.
00:03:56
Speaker
Yeah, it's just it's I mean it should be one little white girl taking a Little fucking white girl in her mouth around it. Yeah, just try and hold in both hands I love watching a little white chick on like Pornhub. Just like fucking trying to choke up on a dick like a baseball bat Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like holding a fucking That's me in the cheesesteak. Yeah, it's me in literally any food. I was funny. I gag on food stroke the steak first you ever watched you ever watch gangbang porn I
00:04:24
Speaker
gangbang porn yeah time to time like everyone we know you watch you guys watch the best porn the best what do you think is the best what do I think is the best what's the number like
00:04:40
Speaker
I saw I saw I usually don't like plots in porn I usually just fast forward until I see something I like and then I'll watch like the same cuz I'll go back in porn and watch the same scene Okay, I've been recently watching there's one I've been watching I don't like usually when a black guy gets in there cuz I'm like I'll I don't know what that's like to be like that Yeah, just endowed and ripped Yeah
00:04:59
Speaker
uh-huh large um just large there it was it's two lesbians that are trying to have a baby and they're super progressive so they're like yeah let's have a half black baby and the girl who wants to carry he's not attracted to men at all the other ones by okay and it's like literally like it was like directed by Adam what's funny is like usually directed this is just like what's conversations happen when you meet people now
00:05:21
Speaker
This doesn't sound like a porn plot at all. This is just like what it's like to meet people in 2024. Well, the whole thing is, it's funny. I know the ending, but every time I always do that, like, I always like, feel like I'm like, ah, they got me again. But the girl who does not attracted to guys, she wants to carry the baby. So they work together and both fuck this black guy. And like the whole time it's like, like the girl's like, like talking to the other lesbian. She's like, can I look at you the whole time?
00:05:45
Speaker
And she's like, yeah, so they're making out while this black dude's like, this is the greatest day of my life. It's just lesbian pussy for a black dude. That's like literally like striking gold. That's great. But he's like, he's like pounding her and then the other chick who's by, she's like, can I get, you mind if I get on real quick? And she gets on and then she fucking full on just gets cream pied by the black dude. She's like, I'm so sorry. I got, I got like, I like lost track.
00:06:10
Speaker
Every single time I watch that video, I'm like, got me. They got me again? But I've been going back to that one for a little bit. I don't mind a plot now. I really don't mind a plot. That's cool. I mean, it's like, like Jim said, it's almost like it's like a documentary more than a actual like porno. Like a docu-series? Yeah.
00:06:30
Speaker
Get ready with me for me to go fuck this guy. Porn is like, porn is like life now. Like people are like, yeah, I'm in like a polyamorous like, or like you meet like, like the girl with the bowl cuddle walk up and be like, yeah, I'm in like a polyamorous like, I'm like dating like a ghost. I read a haunted book and now I'm like dating the book. Necronomicon. Yeah. So basically you're like.
00:06:53
Speaker
Yeah, Vice is like, people are dating chainsaws now. Yeah. It's like... I'm good for them. This is a group of people that deserve to be respected. They vote. I remember the first time fucking... Do you remember the first time you got your hands on some porn, like on an iPod touch or whatever? Like... Yeah, I was like... I was on the fucking computer. I was on the iPod touch. Changed my life.
00:07:16
Speaker
I was on the web with no concept of history. Oh, you're just for letting it rock. I was like, what? You were like, what is pussies? Not even. I literally was like, girls china. I literally was like, I was like, I was like people having sex. Yeah. I used to watch girls make out on YouTube. Kissing. Watching videos of people kissing. Watching girls kiss was like so hot. When you're a kid and you watch videos of people kissing.
00:07:41
Speaker
All of a sudden your sweatpants smell like pancake batter. I remember my dad gave me this mini mobile dictionary. Did that give you a little trans to play with? That's sending a lady boy into a habit of teeth. He gave me this little electronic dictionary where you can type in words and it'll give you the definition.
00:08:05
Speaker
And then I knew that it wasn't connected to the internet, but I was still trying to search. Did you create an Xbox? I was still trying to search porn onto that. I was like, how can I see tits on this thing? Tits. Tits is such a great first. Tits. Tits. Boobs. I remember in middle school, we all used to go back to this kid's house.
00:08:25
Speaker
And he had an iPad. And he had Beats by Dre headphones. Nice. And basically we would just all take turns to get it into the bathroom and fucking just get it all sticky. You guys bagged? You guys jammed the home button up, the home button's all jammed up. Pregnant. Yeah, literally, literally, that's, yeah, we all, it gave birth to five shovels. You ran a train on an iPad. Literally, it was the biggest whore of my life was an iPad. Quintuplets, dude. The biggest whore I ever fucked was an iPad. You guys, yeah, you guys banged that kid's iPad, dude. That was so funny.
00:08:54
Speaker
They were all mad because I'm like buy water ice for the iPad. They're like fucking You're full on dating the I literally dated an iPad for a year six grand I Was like because it doesn't have arms. I would have to dip the pretzel the water ice for it And eat it that was the best though cuz he had like an hour before his mom would come home And then like we would just fucking just like are you done with that?
00:09:17
Speaker
Two of my boys are literally throwing it into the trash can. They're coming into the kitchen trash can. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm coming in the soap dish. Everybody's just coming on stuff. Yeah, because that's what teenage boys do. Yeah, as soon as you discover cum, the first time I ever beat it, I was horrified.
00:09:33
Speaker
I was so scared I was going to get in trouble. Dude, we have a friend that would beat off into condoms and then tie him off and keep him on his fucking night table. Oh my goodness. You know who you are, you sick fuck. No, you freak pig. You sick fuck. He swung one and hit someone in the face with it before. Oh my god. Pig, you pig. Have you ever jerked off into a condom?
00:09:52
Speaker
I did it once, it was kind of cool. I did it in middle school. I was trying to be safe with myself. I did it in middle school because I found my grandpa's condoms and me and my buddy were like, we laughed our asses off with them. We just had the whole day with the condoms. We turned it into a whole day of, well, we found a box of condoms, so now that's the day. What were condoms originally made out of, deer skin? Yeah, bear skin, bear fur. Bear heads. Yeah, bear head on your cock.
00:10:17
Speaker
Yeah, I thought it was like goat intestines or something like that. Intestines? Yeah, I'm gonna put intestines over my cock and fuck you with that. I mean, if it can't be safe. I gotta have something to keep the bumps off me. Yeah. So you have something to keep the bumps off you? Yeah, I gotta put something on me to keep the bumps off. Yeah, well, because you were getting, yeah. Back then, like, people were like, fuck nipples, we got scabs.
00:10:37
Speaker
Do people today, man, they, the way they openly talk about sexually transmitted infections. Everyone has them. I don't have them. Everybody has human pampering virus. You got it? No, I don't know. Maybe. I don't think you and Athena have STDs. I drank out of the hose when I was a kid, so I'm gonna say, hello. Hey, yeah. I mean, what'd you do to that hose? We walked uphill everywhere. I walked uphill everywhere. I drank out of the hose as a kid.
00:11:02
Speaker
Not me. I was too busy playing tag. Not me. With myself. Not me. I do want to give porn a break, though. Sam, I've been trying to cut it back slowly. I'm trying to get to the end of it. The end of it? You're trying to get past it? I'm trying to get to the end of the library. You're trying to watch it all? I'm trying to watch it all. I think I've seen most things you can do.
00:11:27
Speaker
You're like five old guys fucking on a Harley. Yeah, like yeah, it's it's how like do you like fun? Do you watch gay porn at all? I watch gay and straight porn. What do you prefer? Is it just whatever you're in the mood for? Yeah, I flip a coin. It's like Chinese with coins. It's like I Quite literally flip a coin. You really awesome. I watched I saw do I support like he was this fucking porn star She's young she fucked a whole room full of old guys. I don't know why but I don't know. I'm never second of it These old guys were like blown away by they're like how old are you? She was like 20
00:11:57
Speaker
And then they all just stuff their stinky flaccid dicks in her face. Yeah, I like I'm gonna point out. We're watching some severely fucked up. Yeah, you're watching blue. You're watching blue pill man and shit like watching blue man group I'm just jerking off the blue man group. It's a blue pill man fucking videos. Yeah, what's blue pill man? Oh my god. It's like these old dudes with walkers fucking these women. It's so awesome
00:12:21
Speaker
They're so funny. That's awesome. They're so funny. I'm the kind of dude that watches porn after I'm done coming, too. I'll just watch something to see, like, what happens. Like, you know that guy, Baby Alien? Yeah. That dude with Progeria? Yeah. He's, like, an influence or whatever, and they put him in the bang bus, and he fucked two girls. They took his virginity. He's a huge dick. Nice. Even though he looks like Hey Arnold. It's like human Hey Arnold. He has, like, Hey Arnold's disease, whatever. Is it Progeria? Where they become Megamind? Yeah.
00:12:50
Speaker
He fucks like two latinos. Nice. And I watched it after, I was rooting for the guy. Yeah, yeah. I was like, come on, get her. Do you think I got pushed down to his takak? Like everything I pushed down to his takak? All his meat's down there. I wish all my meat was down there, dude. I'm like a fucking air pub. I would definitely like to, like if I was able to lose like 10 IQ points to gain like five inches. I'll lose 100 IQ points, dude. I literally would rather drive, if I had drooled all day with a fucking hammer, I'd be fine.
00:13:22
Speaker
I wish I had a big stupid dummy dick dude. It's what a waste. I think Every dude with a hammer wishes you fucking not retarded, but probably oh, it's probably better the other way around I wish I was a fucking I wish our new stuff
00:13:41
Speaker
Yeah, I wish I was a mindless numbskull with a fat rod. Yeah, dude, a fat rotted retard would be awesome. Yeah, everything would be so much easier. Do you think like do you think like like we should like legalize sex work for people with like Down syndrome and stuff to get that experience?
00:13:58
Speaker
I think so. I think we should never interfere with people's lives. Yeah, but I'm saying- Yeah, definitely, definitely. But if you had a kid with Down syndrome, I always wanted my son to fuck a girl just to be part of being a guy. I mean, we're like, do you think it's okay? If the Down syndrome person was of age and decided that they wanted to fuck- Well, we know the answer to that. They always want to fuck. They always want to fuck. They love boobs. They're like, wait a minute.
00:14:22
Speaker
You're not my peanut butter jar. Whoa. They'll literally fuck anything. I would love, that's what I want to see. I want to see Down Syndrome porn. I do. They can fucking drive. I want to see them fuck. Have you ever tried to look it up? Yes. My iPhone folded up like a razor by itself. It just folded up. It was like, no.
00:14:43
Speaker
They show you that when you get to the pearly gates and like like the angels are checking you when they want to watch them You want to see that or do you want to yeah? I would love to be with none I mean you and I have watched a woman have sex and finish off a Rottweiler. Yeah deep Roddy We also watched a white trash dude fuck a snake we did watch that that was awesome He fucked a snake like the snake fucked a snake
00:15:03
Speaker
How do you fuck a snake? Fucking right in the pussy. Right in the snake pussy. The snake pussy looks good. The chick taking the Rottweiler dick is so much crazier. They didn't fuck the Rottweiler. The one guy fucks the Rottweiler. Fucks the Rottweiler in the vagina. I'm honestly worried. But the other one is the Rottweiler is fucking that woman and finishes.
00:15:24
Speaker
That's awesome. It's bad. That's awesome. What does that make? What's that make? That makes dog girl. What could something theoretically grow inside of her? That's how, that's how, that's how women, that's how women named Roxy are born. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's Dottie and Roxy. That's how you fuck a mother was born. That's how your mother was born.
00:15:47
Speaker
That's how that the women of carnivals are born yeah Behind every strong carnival. There's just a bunch of dog women running a face boy dog face boy Remember when we both realized like how funny that was very funny dog women But no like like deep Roddy like I don't yeah the guy fucking the dog is way worse than what the dog fuck The girl no way you think it's bad that the dog fucked the woman that's way worse than the no one's hurt There's no it's a victimless crime
00:16:17
Speaker
Now fucking the dogs bad putting your dick in the dogs horrible the dog chose as a chick in the woman and the woman allowed the dog Way more evil. I don't know. I mean I'm like it's way more hot. What are you talking about? Yeah, cuz dogs are always like horned up They're always like humping on shit. Yeah, they literally rape. I don't I think both of them are I think it's equally the fuck I think there is a worst one I think it's the fucking
00:16:45
Speaker
I think it's the fucking woman. I think it's the snake because I feel like you're You're pinning down an animal snake. Yeah, you can't pin down a snake though. He just Make out with it first the snake has a different brain than the dog I don't care about snakes. He snakes snatch Indian babies out of villages. They deserve to get fucked. Oh
00:17:06
Speaker
I don't care about that one at all. The woman getting the dog to put its penis inside of her is the craziest thing
Childhood Stories of Family and Pets
00:17:14
Speaker
I've ever seen. Literally the hottest thing I've ever seen. No. Literally the hottest thing I've ever seen. I mean, it's not not hot. I'm just kidding. See? Put yourself inside the mind. He's not kidding. Just put yourself inside the mind of somebody who would like that. I think it would probably be good cinema.
00:17:32
Speaker
It's really good cinema. If somebody said, if somebody called us right now and said, did I like Oppenheimer? No. Can I see why people might? Yes, exactly. If somebody called you right now and said, yo, there's a chick getting fucked by a Rottweiler down the street full like naked actual fucking, you wouldn't walk down and watch. I would run.
00:17:50
Speaker
I would run so fast my hat would still be hitting the ground by the time I got over there It just feels more complicated than the dude sticking the dog because yeah, of course They highly some girl they like dudes in other countries fuck other animals all the time I like to be the other way around you don't ever hear about Fucking you never hear about like animals really fucking women. That's awesome. Well the donkey show in Tijuana Yeah, that's which I would also love to see
00:18:16
Speaker
Shows yeah, don't you show yeah the guy animal abuse from animal abuse people would ride who I don't know the one we fucking can animals and eat them There's a guy that got that one got to fuck a woman. There's a guy who died get it like fucked by a horse Yeah, that's cuz the that's cuz the horse was so deep in his kidneys So crazy
00:18:40
Speaker
It is. I mean, listen, I'm not saying any of this is like, this needs to happen. I'm just saying, it definitely is. It's definitely educational. Is it better? Do you feel it better about it? Is the world better that it happened? Yes. Okay.
00:18:55
Speaker
I'll take that. It was a win for Rottweilers everywhere. And I think that Rottweiler went back. Do you think that Rottweiler went to therapy afterwards? No, that Rottweiler smoked a cigarette. Rottweiler literally smoked a black and mild. Literally, literally was on speakerphone on the fucking bus talking about it. Yeah, I should have seen his bits. I was fucking to shit out of bits. Yeah, he was drinking a fucking mug.
00:19:18
Speaker
He was drinking a mug root beer. Nah, he was drinking a pineapple phantom smoking jazz tip. He was drinking a pineapple phantom smoking a fucking jazz tip. Oh my god. All Rottweilers are black. You know what's really funny? My 13-year-old brain comprehending that instead of learning anything else. Just like, yeah, she deserves that somehow. I was like, take it. Take it, bitch. That's so crazy. It is. I was 13. Somebody showed me a video of a Rottweiler fucking woman while I was forming my opinions about things in life.
00:19:48
Speaker
It's tough. Two girls want cups, nothing. Two girls want a cup with nothing. It's nothing to me. It's nothing. That's poo. Dude, I was in like first or second grade when my dad showed me Nick Berg getting his head chopped off. Your dad's a fucking huge F-word for that, dude. He's a faggot for that forever, dude. He's a big F. He's a huge faggot for that forever. Never shout out that guy. Never shout out. Dude, that ruined my life, quite literally. My parents only traumatized me by making me watch. My mom was like, you're going to watch Donnie Brasco today. And I was like, I got homework.
00:20:19
Speaker
They were also like, you're gonna watch us fill the house with trash. Yeah, they were like, you're gonna watch this fucking cat die. Yeah, same. Big dead cat guy here. We didn't have, we had a computer, but we had a computer for a week and then it literally, it quit. It was like, this house stinks, I'm not working. This house stinks. Wi-Fi can't penetrate cat piss. Yeah, no, our fucking AOL fucking computer versus our bunny rabbit.
00:20:48
Speaker
My parents got a bunny rabbit from like a fashion show. Somebody in my family won a plus-size women's fashion show and got awarded a bunny rabbit that they named Barabbas. Nice. And then my dad let it out twice, brought it home, let it out twice. It chewed the Comcast, so my dad put it in a cage for 11 years. Barabbas. Never left the cage. Never left the cage? No, my God. All of a sudden, the only reason we knew he was dead because our living room started to stink like nickels.
00:21:18
Speaker
I smell like blood. Literally, my dad put it in the cage and never even looked at it again. I don't remember a single person feeding that thing. I think he lived for 11 years with no food. By the time my dad grabbed that cage, my dad reached in there with no glove, just a shop right bag on his hand. He was picking up a piece of shit.
00:21:42
Speaker
Picked it up, and it was literally covered in hamster chips. It looked like it was about to do one of those like Hawaiian dances You know what the fuck I'm talking about. It was like a mummer. It looked like a mummer It was covered in fucking hamster chips and that rabbit when I get to heaven God is that rabbit? When I get to judgment day, it's gonna be literally a big khaki colored peep You will all answer for this rabbit. I'm literally taking the brunt
00:22:09
Speaker
My mom went to heaven and literally bypassed the rabbit. She's like, give it to my son. He's stronger than I am. He'll take the rabbit guilt. There's rabbit guilt. I live with rabbit guilt. There's a rabbit guilt that hangs over the family like a crowd. I literally hate Easter. Easter's so scary. That's like my Krampus.
00:22:36
Speaker
Barabbas is literally gonna come back and get me. Oh, dude. Oh my god. Oh my god Barabbas did him and Peter cottontailers My favorite fucking story my dad literally swung a fucking like like literally just swung a Chinese spare rib on the coffee table like a gab woman was like 11 years 11 years
00:22:57
Speaker
I'm pretty sure I saw my mom pour in blue Powerade into its water bottle one time, too. Electrolytes for the boy? Yeah, electrolytes for this fucking, like, I literally, like, thought about one time, like, I should just get in there with a fork and just finish him off. I'm so sorry. And hungry. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna kill you. Yeah.
00:23:15
Speaker
then my parents got cats because when people hoard a house out there like we need animals in here now because it'll make it my dad like they would blame the mess on the cats because lunatics they want to talk to the cats yeah the cats brought in all these photo albums yeah those are the cats photo out let these fucking cats get Polaroid yeah where these cats come from you got them and didn't fix them my parents love hoarding horny cats
00:23:41
Speaker
Feral cats? Remember having feral cats in your house? Brother, I had so many fucking cats in my house. Everywhere I looked, there was eight sets of eyes looking at me. Jim was outside doing, like, Providence Animal Center commercials to, like, the neighbors. He's like, just for two minutes a day, if you would just come in and take one of these cats. Please God. I would have one less square inch of puke on my fucking steps. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Who's calling right now? Dude, hell. Who just called you?
00:24:09
Speaker
Was that Barabbas? It was literally hell. Barabbas was calling. You won't talk about me like that. Oh, Barabbas is here. Oh, that's Barabbas? It was literally Barabbas. It was like, speak of me once. It's so funny how people just put down an animal like that, like put it out of their lives. Like I remember walking past that one day, I was like, can someone take care of this bunny? And they were like, what bunny? And I'm like, am I nuts? Am I not? There was no bunny ever.
00:24:33
Speaker
There was no bunny ever, yeah. No, there was totally a bunny. There was totally a bunny? There was totally a bunny. You guys had a bunny for 11 years. No one ever looked at him. My dad literally reached in there. It was so rotten to death that it literally looked like he picked up marinara-covered meatballs with fucking hamster chips all over it. I was like, what the fuck is that? There's nothing left but viscera. There's viscera and hamster chips. And I'm like, all right, I got a test tomorrow. Thanks.
00:25:02
Speaker
I'm sure I'll bring that fucking- How am I supposed to care about the war of 1812 now? I'm talking about the war of me versus Barabbas. Barabbas versus the Prophet family. Yeah, who was the president during the fucking- I'm like Barabbas the third. Barabbas. Yeah.
00:25:18
Speaker
Fuck Ulysses S. Grant, dude. I have literally, I have literally a, like, I, we shawshanked my money. Dude. That's how he got out. Morgan Freeman was like, I was trying to dig a hole in my geology of the study of pressure and time.
00:25:35
Speaker
Try to dig himself out of a plastic hole. Oh, man. I think the bunny in the middle of the night was just like during the thunderstorm. We're just trying to bash a pellet against the thing to get out. It's so funny. He's in there working out. He's got to do right. He was doing time. He literally had crime time in there. He had a fucking tiny boombox. He had a boombox playing Jesus walks from Kanye to a push-up.
00:25:56
Speaker
You're like, why is there slim gym wrappers all over his cage? He's making sweet and sour ramen with slim gyms. Oh, his commissary was just dry ramen. Yeah, dude.
00:26:11
Speaker
Oh my God. My parents literally just starved them out. They were like, I mean, can't look at him or take any accountability. We should just act like he doesn't exist. I let him die. The fucking rabbit's trying to get you to walk around with cigarettes up your ass. I'm just smuggling. Yeah. He's driving by at the gate. I had him a balloon. I had him a little balloon that's full of pellets. Yeah.
00:26:36
Speaker
My dad goes, that's all he does is eat a pellet, make a pellet, eat a pellet, make a pellet. And I was like, you're the rabbit devil. You're a rabbit Hitler. My dad was rabbit Hitler. He was the warden. He was the warden of rabbit Hitler. Every bunny I see outside, I literally am like shine little King. Hell yeah. Don't ever be in someone's house. Run free.
00:26:59
Speaker
On top of that, my parents would just come in at night. Every single night, they refused to get the light in our front porch fixed, so you had to walk through a dark house full of trash to turn the one light on. My dad would step on six cats. Every different type of cat, my dad would go the fuck out of the way. It's the only place they could walk.
00:27:22
Speaker
I'm going to stop trauma dumping. Is that okay? No, you're good. It's fun. Okay. Yeah. The step I want TJ's like TJ's like child trauma. Imagine like your dad making you do your homework and like pack your backpack up every morning.
00:27:35
Speaker
I would get to school and be like, I don't have my backpack, and my dad's like, there'll get one in there. Grab one. The cats were using it to fucking have a gang bang. There was like 10 of them spraying it while it was being a fucking like youth. My backpack was like literally like the feline bang buzz. Dude, my house was literally step up for the movie. But like all cat cats. Yeah, basically you had an all, you had an all cat, you just got served? Yeah. That's so fucking funny.
00:28:06
Speaker
Having pets is the funniest thing ever if you can't get your house under control You're like, let me throw animals into this. All right, it's almost like somebody came in with a bag of them I was like, who's this? They're like that's fucking um, how many cats do you think you had in like the like the max amount? I'll probably at one time. I probably had like 25 cats probably like at one fucking Christ. That's enough for a musical
00:28:34
Speaker
We've got to get out of here. There's literally cats that literally were born to be stagehands. Fat, fat, ugly, zit cats. Yeah, dude. Cat box crew. Yeah, they're on cat box crew. They're fucking drawing the curtains. Yeah, they're all pulled up. They're just fucking the blinds up. They're just fucking the blinds up. They're just fucking the blinds up. Fuck a mouse, dude. Cats hate blinds. They hate blinds even more. They hate blinds. You know, it's cats, my parents.
00:29:04
Speaker
My god mine too mine mine 25 cats do my parents Jesus fucking cry my parents definitely like they death camped at least 20 cats They death camped 20 cats yeah fucking five dogs yeah 20 cats Jim's parents are walking in and out of the kitchen like pastor. They're all building hinges in there
00:29:27
Speaker
Yeah. That's not fast enough! Yeah, my cat, dude, my cat count was so high, dude. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, I had a sinus infection for 16 years. So did I. I can't believe how bad my breathing is now because of my childhood.
00:29:42
Speaker
the amount of my mom and dad both the amount of mold I inhaled at this point it's like 20 years of smoking cigarettes is nothing I'm gonna die I'm gonna die like Lance Armstrong oh my god it's not even dead I'm gonna die like I'm gonna bicycle to death there's gonna be like there's like a cat hair tumor in my lung that's gonna fucking actually I have a I have a terminal hairball that fucking
00:30:06
Speaker
It's going to lodge right in my aorta. It is going to lodge right in there. It's going to be nuts. I'm trying to knock it loose with how much. I don't think I did. I don't think, I don't think I went to school in middle school. I don't think I did a single ounce of homework. Yeah. And then I would go to school and they'd be like, what do you don't like? You got a problem? I'm like, yeah, I do. What's your deal?
00:30:27
Speaker
I'm almost late to my shift at the cat death camp. Yeah. Oh, dude, catch wits. Yeah. My bedroom became like a, like a death camp for cats. So I got forced out of my room because it was becoming a death camp. So they sealed it off and it became like, it became like a don't, it became like, don't enter room. I had a donut. It was well, cause we've had several of these in my lifetime. This is the, this is a reoccurring thing. There would always be a room that just became hell.
00:30:57
Speaker
Yeah, actually hell. You turn one of the rooms into a trash can.
00:31:01
Speaker
and it's like infinite trash, it's like a trash can in the last 10 years. You don't need a bag anymore, just use this crib. Who needs a trash can when you have your son's crib? I've seen people throw meat into that room. I've seen people in my family throw meat into that room. Would you throw in there? Throw meat into that room. I went into that room one time and I had a panic attack because I couldn't get out. I'm climbing magazines and the magazines are sliding out from under me and I was like,
00:31:32
Speaker
I went into I went into our hell room one time. I got caught too. It's crazy. I caught in the hell room I got caught in the hell room and there was a TV on the ground I remember I figured out how to plug it in I watched I watched like a fuzzy episode of two and a half man like It was like insane you had DLC it was crazy I was like I'm like stuck in there
00:32:01
Speaker
So funny. I remember it's funny, but we moved away because there was a shooting and I was like that's what it took Thank God. It took a gun. I Should have bought a gun. I should have shot somebody earlier I should have shot the bunny dude. Oh my god the bar we trauma dumping too much you think people give a fuck about our fun Okay, I think it's fun too
00:32:22
Speaker
It's funny. It's funny. It's silly. These are brave shares. These are pretty said that's a brave share So I did I had a hell room We had hell car. Yeah, no car. Okay. We had a fucking geo prism that had more had more chewed up Pringle and fucking mint bubblegum
00:32:43
Speaker
We had a geo prism that was literally puke shit, like pink. My parents were like, that's rosewood gold. I'm like, that's like, that's like cancer dump crown. That's like a chemo dump. There's the color of a chemo dump. Oh, dude, drug duty. Drug duty is soft build up. My parents were like, no, that's rosewood gold. I'm like, that's literally chemo shit red.
00:33:10
Speaker
Like a radiation poop. It's all gonna be yours one day. Yeah, I can't wait. I can't wait. There's that, I can super wait. That car literally, we'd pull into like, they'd drop me off at school and the car would be like. That's the horn? That's the horn. Dude. Do you remember when? And then my parents probably got a Chrysler Town and Country and I was like, awesome, you could fit so much shit in here.
00:33:35
Speaker
Oh my god. We somehow acquired golf clubs. That's the best one. One of your parents comes in with a set of golf clubs. I got two in the fucking closet right now. Put them in a dishwasher. They'll fit there. Pack it up. What's crazy about our lives is that we both had a ghost dishwasher. We had a dishwasher that, I swear to God,
Relationship Dynamics and Gender Roles
00:33:56
Speaker
it was like the bunny and the dishwasher were the two.
00:34:00
Speaker
They only had each other and they were in different rooms so at one point I just saw the cup and string going back and forth. And the bunny's like I haven't had a pellet in two years and the fucking dishwasher's like I need a cascade pod. Like I need air, like I fucking need air right now. If I don't get a cascade pod.
00:34:22
Speaker
Yeah. What are you gonna do when you get out of here? It bypassed, it bypassed. We had such thick dust on our computer that like I tried to play backyard baseball on it like the disc version and just got violently ill instead.
00:34:35
Speaker
The fan kicked up so much dust that you fucking got sick. The computer was so dirty and dusty. You remember the original You've Got Mail chime? You've got mail. It was like you got mail. It was literally like that.
00:34:58
Speaker
It was like, you got that? It was literally like, do you have any water? I need a damp washcloth. Oh, man. Fucking insane. And the best part about any of that, when you have parents that do that, you're like, look at this mess. They're like, what mess are you talking about? What are you talking about? And I'm like, OK. I used to love, I used to love. I don't do that now. We run a tight ship. Nice tight ship. Hey, baby girl, we got a clean apartment. We keep it nice. It was nice. Bedroom's a fucking wreck.
00:35:26
Speaker
I didn't see the bedroom. The bedroom's a wreck. When I was there for the Super Bowl, it was like, well, it's a nice place. You could literally like, you need a mountain board to like, shred my bedroom over the pants and shit. That's the problem is I don't hang anything. I take it off the rack and I literally row it somewhere and never see it again. I'm a laundry feast. You're a laundry fiend. You're a fiend for laundry. I'm a fiend for laundry, dude. I have it everywhere.
00:35:47
Speaker
I keep I keep it everywhere. Good laundry, bad laundry. I got it. I got it. You ask. I've got it. Good, bad. Middle. I got it. I got the middle stuff is weird. I got it.
00:35:57
Speaker
like cholesterol you always look nice you always got a nice outfit on do you have a clean place I mean I try to have like a rotation I try to do it weekly yeah but like sometimes I skip a week and then when I go I do like bi-weekly it's like that's why I'm like oh shit I really gotta get that's when you start it starts falling the panic pack modes are getting the fucking scallion t-shirt yeah I'm like scallions bottom of the barrel like now do you have to wear the slippers in your place
00:36:22
Speaker
Slippers yeah, I just walked barefoot barefoot your old place. You're the white slippers. I was fucking banging yeah, but that was just more for like Just for showing for fun. Just for fun. Yeah, come on in take a kimono Everyone gets one everyone gets one take a candle too
00:36:41
Speaker
Yeah, TJ did something for fun that we thought we would all like and we took it as like he was doing something religious We were like wow culture He was like wow how annoying can these white people be you could that's so funny you could convince anybody Anything you could you could say whatever? And we would be like that's yeah, so I heard from TJ back from where I'm from this is how we do it mm-hmm
00:37:06
Speaker
You just use a calculator. You just pull a calculator out of the refrigerator and just keep them in the fridge. Keep it. Save the battery life. That's good. That is good. Having a diet, Dr. P. I'm like, Boston, audio Boston. He's drinking Sadie's. I'm back on the Sadie's. It's a diet, Dr. Pepper. Oh, yeah, baby.
00:37:31
Speaker
Diet Dr. Pepper, I always feel like makes people very, like, ripply. Ripply? Diet sodas make you ripply. I feel sexy, dude. You look sexy. You've lost a lot of weight. Well, I- You look like Chris Hemsworth. The last, yeah, the last three days, I've eaten, like, a fucking- You literally, like, I got done fighting in the USA. I'm not gonna lie, you pimblitted at fucking Bocellos. You got the half pound, which is, like, 12 strips. But it's good. It's all good. That's all gains.
00:38:02
Speaker
I'm good. You're fine. I'm doing good. I think you look like John Stamos. I'm celebrating. I had a good weekend. You had a good... What'd you do this weekend? I had a really, really cool show. Where at? Souljoles. Oh, that's right, with Miss Kimberly Congdon. Yeah. Is it Kimberly? It's Kim. I thought it was Kim Chi. Kim Chi? That's Kim Chi. Kim Chi Condon? That's Kim Chi. Kim Congdon was up there. That was a good show. That's Ching Chongdon. I don't know, dude.
00:38:30
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gillespie. Yeah, could you fucking imagine? So you like really piss off another Asian person to be able to convince the world that TJ is Korean. They don't believe he's Korean. I have to I have to vouch for like all national like every country. Yeah, you're the mouthpiece on every other culture but white. I'm Asia's podcast. You make it all possible.
00:38:53
Speaker
We have a fucking, we have a fucking bi guy, a fucking Asian dude, and a Puerto Rican. Well, now we need like an African, like... Yeah, you're a Puerto Rican, right? Sure. This podcast I am. Didn't you just do your thing? No, I haven't done a 23andMe. I thought you turned Puerto Rican when you bought that gold chain. I did. Well, I mean, yeah. I identify as Puerto Rican, so I go with that. So now I have something to cry about now. I thought you or your brother or dad just did it.
00:39:23
Speaker
My brother's scared too, because he's scared that he's not gonna be Samoan, and he's also scared that he might be black. So he's not gonna do it. I would like to know what I am though, because everyone says like, apparently you could be like 1%, something, 2%, something, like I just wanna know what the fuck I am. I just wanna go to college for free. I wanna find out I'm Native American. Can you go to college for free if you're a Native American? Yeah. Really? Yeah, because they're like, saw-wee. Yeah, they're like, saw-wee, forgot-wee.
00:39:54
Speaker
Where you gonna go to fucking University That's pretty cool. You know, you can just make arrowheads in the backyard for free, right? Yeah, I'm going to fucking long house
00:40:11
Speaker
Do you remember when they brought us to go see the, uh, Lenape tribe? I didn't go with that. Oh, I went. I brought a tuna sandwich and this Jewish girl was like, that stinks. And I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, right. Fuck you. My mom has a lot to say about Jews. What was her name? Fucking Jewie McJew Jew. I don't know what her fucking name was. I don't know. I just remember she was Jewish. Jewie McJew Jew. She wore like a girl yarmulke or something. Ew, what's that called? It was like, it was like on her, like, it was like on her eye. It's an iPad. She's an iPad. A bitch is an iPad. Yeah.
00:40:41
Speaker
No, I wish I was still in elementary school. I miss it. I miss the fact that we get fist fight girls and it was cool. Yeah. I was like literally like five and oh, you can beat chicks up when you do that little, I am the world champ. I fist fought. I fist fought had tattoos, the top of the metal, uh, metal slide and manoa.
00:41:06
Speaker
Pretty awesome. I felt like you held on. So you held on the solder. It was literally you. Remember when Shelton Benjamin ran up the ladder? Yep. That's what I'm talking about. You put her down like that. Yeah. Hell yeah. And the slide was burning hot too. So I know it all hurt. Hell yeah. And to this day, she still hates my guns.
00:41:25
Speaker
Do you remember the elementary school film like you could take anyone in a fight? Did you ever feel like that, TJ? Elementary school? I still feel like that. TJ feels like he could take anyone on. I would love to see you fight somebody. You'd probably beat the fuck out of someone. I'd be king of the hill, dude. You wouldn't be king of the hill. TJ's a big bully, dude.
00:41:40
Speaker
Jack Korean guy's gonna kick the shit out of somebody down the slide Oh my god, he probably kicks. Oh my god. He definitely kicks if I just dropped the big picture Kim Jong-un behind him like a big red picture TJ would deliver tongue chop break a brick with his tongue
00:42:01
Speaker
Dude, we should all get into a fight. Just all three of us should get into a fist fight. A fucking tongue chat. All three of us versus three girls. Fucking... We get our ass beat. Yeah, just kick it. Fuck that. Ever my dead body. If they kill me, I'll rip a rib out and stab one of them. Do you think you could take a girl? Yeah. How many girls do you think you could take? A bunch. You got a baseball bat, and you're getting waves of five.
00:42:30
Speaker
And every five is Brock Lesnar's daughter. Just as a final boss. Every fifth one is an Olympic level athlete. Every fifth one is a jacked chick. I don't know. What's it mean? Give me a baseball bat. That was funny. Just line them up and have them come at me. I'm literally going to hold the bat and be like, oh yeah, you're fat. And then just they would cry. You can take down waves by just weight shaving them.
00:42:57
Speaker
Fatty, break their heart. You mess with their head first? That shirt? That top? Wow. Imagine getting beat up in that ugly shirt. Could never be me. Could never be me. What are you doing? You're on your phone? What are you doing? I think I could take at least a wave of at least two waves, maybe three. I could take by five, six. Five, six? I think you could take more than me. I think you're in better shape than I am.
00:43:25
Speaker
Yeah, but like I'm thinking like... I have to swing a lot. Yeah, swing like laterally though. Yeah, like wide swings like shots.
00:43:34
Speaker
I might have to start spinning, you know what I mean? Like a top. What about fists? Fists? Just straight acoustic fists. Fists only? Yeah. I don't know. I'm thinking about Brock Lesnar's daughter, and I'm like, how big is Brock Lesnar's daughter? Have you seen her? No. Matt, it looks like Brock Lesnar's like Joanna manning the Olympics right now. It looks like Lesnar just literally put a wig on and is trying to win for his daughter. I mean, I don't know. There are some stars. Yeah, she looks like him with long hair.
00:44:02
Speaker
You should, yeah. I need the listeners. Please look up Brock Lesnar's daughter. This probably makes sense to you. How many women do you think you can beat up? Realistically. How many women do you think you can fight? I tie her easy. Two? Two women? Convincingly beating it? Two at once? Yeah. Send him at me. Oh my god.
00:44:23
Speaker
I'm like, how many women can I beat up? I don't know, man. None. I would never. I would never hit a woman. I would never hit a woman either. I would never hit a woman. Unless they're hitting my girlfriend. Unless they hit me first in which I would hip toss a woman on the ground. I would just subdue them. I would flip them over my hip and they would hit their ass cheek on the cement really hard and be like, okay. Yeah. Subduing a chick would be fine. Yeah. That's how I flirt anyway.
00:44:49
Speaker
I hate to sub doing a woman. I fucking subdue them and boom. That's what you're like. I'm going to check. I choke them out.
00:44:59
Speaker
I'm flirting with guy flirting with guys with a guy, you know, like like a guy, they want you to come up behind him and fucking choke him out. You know what I mean? Like with a woman, it's different. You have to talk to him for five minutes and then choke him out, talk to him for five minutes, then fucking choke him out. Yeah, choke him out. You listen to them for five minutes and you take the listen to their how how was your day and then I fucking choke him out. What's your if you ever approach the lady at a bar, you're just kind of like, hey, what's up? Yeah. Who's what will you have? Well, would you?
00:45:29
Speaker
Okay? You guys need anything else? The Katamari is my favorite too. I'm like that's just me at the bar. Have you ever walked up to a check at the bar? Yeah. I've just been like, what do you say? I was just like, hey, how's it going? How's it going? She's like, good Mr. Man. Yeah. Can I get a little more code?
Exploration of Gender Stereotypes
00:45:49
Speaker
What's your next? She's like, I'm good. How are you?
00:45:51
Speaker
I'm doing all right the way we coming off them. She's like is this dress make my tits look fat mr.. Man. I'm like they They look great. They look amazing You say Cassie jiggers. Let me just start off by saying that you look absolutely
00:46:07
Speaker
absolutely fantastic hey are you an angel did it hurt when you fell from heaven because you're fucking gorgeous hey hey yo did it hurt did it hurt when you got out of the car because your head's pretty big
00:46:25
Speaker
and I think that's beautiful. Are you thirsty? Yeah. Are you thirsty at this bar? I would like to buy you a beverage and then possibly myself one. I would like to situate myself maybe next to you while I sip on this beverage and you maybe have some of your beverage and maybe you tell me about your life. You tell me about your life? For just a minute or two maybe you tell me about your life. Tell me about your life.
00:46:59
Speaker
I've literally been in bars where I've heard like dudes like haha. Yeah, we're Capricorn too for sure for sure
00:47:10
Speaker
That's all they have to do if you're tall and thin you're sure you're like for sure No You're so listen you're so smart yeah for sure
00:47:24
Speaker
I'm sure people tell you this all the time, but our ladies are like, I fucking love him. God. Where is Abby? She's my fucking sister. They met two hours ago. Yeah. You're my sister. Girls literally become soul-tied bone. They have the same bone, bro. Yeah, yeah. Your bones are my bones. They're like, your bones are literally my bones.
00:47:50
Speaker
You're literally to my last brain cell, my brain stem, my frontal lobe cortex, my ocular cavity, my amygdala, my medulla oblongata, my solar plexus, all the way down to my lower intestine. You and me are tied together.
00:48:14
Speaker
Me and her met getting an MRI at the same time. And I literally was in the waiting room and I was like, MRI, I carry, am I right? And I was like, well, there's already two people getting a cat scan. Could you get like a dog stab? And that's how we became bone broth sisters. That's how I literally knew she was my cunt forever, mama. I would literally give her my brain stab.
00:48:45
Speaker
I love that bitch so much. She can honestly walk anywhere all over me. Yeah, she can kick my face. I want her to live. Why did chicks become the best of friends ever and then the week later? They hung out for four hours one time. It's because chicks are hydras, dude. Once they go back to the house, they pull out their other head. Dueling heads. I don't think girls can be good friends like guys can.
00:49:15
Speaker
Girls don't have a bunch of chicks got a mountain house the way we did. They would have figured out how to rank each other. My girlfriend went and played it. She went to game night with her girlies and they drank white wine and drank. They played this game that was like pola card and like this one's the most this of the group.
00:49:36
Speaker
Which clearly is going to set a fight up because one of them is going to get nothing. One of them is going to get nothing. It's like, who is she? Who is this one? She has no cards. You should fucking kill yourself. You literally know you're not the groom. And then they'll be like, I'm the main character. They're like, you're not. You smell.
00:49:56
Speaker
Mean characters don't smell like shit. Yeah, mean... Sorry, I have girl brain right now. Sorry, I have white wine. I've been getting tongue-tied. I think I'm going to have a stroke soon. Yeah, same. I've been talking on Muslim thing, and I'm like, whoa, that hurts early onset Muslim. I have no idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have no clue. Both of those things happen very quickly, so be careful.
00:50:21
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's what's happening to me. And then my phone knows too, because I'm starting to get goofy suggestions on Instagram. Girls do do that though. They like set games up to like single one out. Yeah. Oh my God. You have no cards. You're like fucking ugly. When you listed the roster for the party, I was like, Oh, well I know who's going to be at the bottom of the game. Yeah.
00:50:43
Speaker
There's definitely gonna be a female Crispin Wob that everyone knows who it is already. Yeah, it's almost like the game was invented to take a dump on this said girl and that's literally how it goes. Damn. Girls do this shit like like girls invented eating disorders. They're carrying. They give them to each other. They run over curbs. They make each other star. So pretty guys rule. All we do is gas each other up. All we do is support each other and we're all good friends. We've all been friends since we were like little kids.
00:51:10
Speaker
Girls will be like girls will meet one girl at work, and they'll be like they literally share a fax machine And they're like oh, I literally have no idea what I would do without my little brain stem We literally got a bag of blood and split it the other day They girls are like like girls will be like Seriously have no idea what I would do without her. I'm like she held the door for you you would have just bumped your head on the
00:51:38
Speaker
Without her, you would have just bumped your little head. Without her, you would have just walked into glass. Without her, you would have just fucking black out without the door for you. Mailman. Mailman. Insert. Black mailman. Air Bud, even. Air Bud would have held the door for you.
00:51:55
Speaker
Girls like, like girls will be like, like the little ghost I'm wearing will be like, what are we all wearing? If I called you and said, yo, what are we wearing? I'd say tracksuits. Yeah, that would be one answer. We'd always just be one answer. Tracksuits. Everybody put their best tracksuit on, we're going. What are we all wearing? I would laugh in your face. You would laugh in my face. I would laugh in your face because that is the funniest thing ever, trying to get all of our friends to coordinate anything. Our boys, our boys go out to the bar to talk to girls in sweatpants.
00:52:23
Speaker
Our boys don't work in kitchens, but wear chef's shoes. It makes no sense.
00:52:28
Speaker
Non-slip shoes are the bane of my existence. I want to give, like, Mick Foley neckbreakers when I see them. Yeah, I hate them. I love them. You know what else is really funny? The fact that, like, girls, like, in order for them to have fun, they have to go spend $150 on a charcuterie board. Mm-hmm. And then all of them... There's, like, six pecans on it? Yeah, all of them pretend like they don't want to, like, take the entire, like, fucking line of pepperoni to themselves.
00:52:55
Speaker
Yeah, that's what I do. There's always pepperoni left over in the woods fucking, the woods all greasy and they're like, charcoochie board. Charcoochie board. Meanwhile, we're literally sitting in a basement that has bongs and neon signs right now.
00:53:13
Speaker
charcuterie boards charcuterie boards are um I feel like that's just a grown-up like lunchables so fucking it is it's literally a reason for women to eat like little boys yeah that's literally what it is charcuterie I should we should get a charcuterie board one night but we should just take all the lunchables red sauce
00:53:29
Speaker
Get a puddle of it going on the charcuterie board. Charcuterie board. Just make a charcuterie board out of Lunchables. I'm trying to pretend like I don't love charcuterie. Every time chicks meet up, it's 150 bucks. Did you know that too? Yeah, yeah, sweaty fucking olives. Everybody spends 150 bucks to meet up if you're a chick. Why? Because it costs 150 dollars to be miserable, that's why. Why can't they just chill? Because it would be way too easy and not miserable if they didn't.
00:53:53
Speaker
Because if we all just if we just got a case of beer right now It'd be the greatest fucking thing ever and like if they did that like they'd be like They just couldn't do it. He's a beer one of them would like clear their throat. They're like you're sick. You should go home. Everyone's like Just pick on one of them. I mean I'm like I hate on charcuterie boards though. They're they kind of I do like them you go they go hard Yeah, our charcuterie boards are probably have like the Reese's eggs on them and like fucking just a pile of slurpee and
00:54:20
Speaker
There's an area to fucking rail a little bit like a like a Slurpee line see sticks, dude. You like the sticks. They're my favorite I don't like only Reese's. Oh, oh really? I'm not a fan. I don't like peanut butter chocolate. I go. Oh I keep them separately. I like a Hershey bar. It's a plain Hershey bar king size. Really? That's also good. I think we're king size or should I say John's eyes? You like it? I like that shit in the freezer. I like a thick and black I
00:54:46
Speaker
people the hell in the freezer or what I snap if I don't if it if it if I forget if I somehow forget about that I have it on me on the way home it makes it to the freezer if sometimes I'll put in there in shower and I'll be like well that'll take me a while it'll freeze up and then I'm like eating it in your hand oh yeah you ever take food into the shower food into the shower yeah beers I've drank shower beer is a delish yeah
00:55:13
Speaker
Yeah, shower beers are cool because you can just drink a beer and pee And like chocolate beer and pee like drink beers like stone cold EP Poop I love the shower taking the shower the lady and peeing on is very funny mark in territory. He's peeing her foot Take my fucking take my leader. I kiss you smock fart. I'll kiss you but you face my life
00:55:37
Speaker
You saw that Barry White? Fuck yeah, dude. Chuck Barry. Chuck Barry. I said Barry White. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if Barry White invented the female for it. He was the first one to jar a queef loose.
00:55:51
Speaker
What would you do? We were talking about this on the way over here. What would you do if you're a woman for a week? If I was a woman for a week? You get to be a girl. I would probably do all the things that I can't do as a man. I would probably try to cum.
Absurd Relationship Roles
00:56:07
Speaker
See what that's like. Men can't cum. I would try to do things that men can't do like cum. Like a female. Yeah, I know what you mean. I was just like, cum.
00:56:17
Speaker
Probably try to get pregnant. I'll see like what that experience is like. Yeah, if you get abortion. I will try to do that I'd be the biggest fucking whore of all time Yeah, I dress really slutty and be like Yeah, I would literally be like a gross slut like I would not act just be a gross slut. Yeah
00:56:39
Speaker
I would I would be a train wreck for like a week. Yeah, I was like fucking old guy I would just I'd be like you're the hottest man. I've ever seen be a hero That's how you get it dude. That's how you get them dude be giving the keys to the what I would do if I could be a woman for a week And I knew I can go back to being John
00:57:02
Speaker
I would fucking, I would literally, I would fuck the, like a real old rich guy and then literally zell myself. I would literally zell my phone. My dude phone. That is smart too, yeah. I feel like you can definitely make more friends. I would zell my phone. I would zell my own phone. Yeah. I wonder how much money I can make in like a week. If I was a shorter baby. Yeah.
00:57:23
Speaker
I wish I was a sugar. You're Asian. You're Asian. So it's definitely even more expensive. I'm trying to be I'm gonna have you dressed as a gay shot You be playing fart in a can with some old white guy in the fuck in Bryn Mawr be like Hey, but if I don't have to work for the rest of my life
00:57:42
Speaker
I was a woman. I would never work ever. I would never work. I would have 12 kids. I would have 12 kids. I would have a toddler. I would have like a two year old playing mad. I'm trying to be a sugar baby. What? Yeah. What are you going to you dress up like a little China doll? Yeah.
00:58:00
Speaker
You think you got a sugar daddy? I'm trying. Let's try it around the city. Yeah. How do you find a sugar daddy? You just hang out with a fucking bunch of geezers. Hang out with Rick Flair. Yeah. You just go to the old Scotch bar in the city, which I don't even know. That's the thing. Yeah. Yeah. You just go somewhere where people wear smoking jackets. Uh-huh. I would go to a gin bar.
00:58:20
Speaker
Gin bar, and then what would you dress up like fucking Tommy pickles? That's my next move sexually the baby play baby boy. I'm going for baby boy I'm gonna start I've already started by drinking Similac I've been doing Similac in my espresso in the morning. You've been having her burpee
00:58:47
Speaker
She's been burping me a little bit, yeah, but I've been working on cooing at late hours. Does she bicycle your legs so you fart? She bicycles my legs and gives me the toot. Do you give me farties? Uh-huh, she gives me farties and then...
00:59:01
Speaker
Baby plays serious. It's very true. Would you act like a baby chick if your girl you really like was like you need to be a baby? Mommy play TJ does mommy play if she was hot enough. I would honestly you be a little baby. I would try to I was like, okay I would shit my bed Clean it up Clean it up them. I made a poop I
00:59:31
Speaker
I would shit myself like all the time. We'd be like, get no dinner. You're going to date. I'd be like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you making on the body? You're making that face, making that face. I'm like at the bar.
01:00:02
Speaker
Put me on the table
01:00:06
Speaker
I watched a lady change her baby on the fucking NJ transit bus on the way to AC. Oh my god. The fucking bus smelled like air conditioned baby poop. Oh my god. It smelled like ice cold black baby shit. Oh my god. For four hours, Vineland, New Jersey, Voorhees, New Jersey, Atlantic City, Cape May Point, Villas, Vineland, Millville,
01:00:32
Speaker
Tuck-a-ho. It smelled like a sub-zero black baby turd. Damn, dude. It's just literally chips. It's just chips and milk. Oh, man. This is like black baby chip.
01:01:04
Speaker
Basically took a bus to the shore I took a bus to wildwood and when I got on Baby's ride for free. Oh, yeah, I got on and there was no seats left and I see this lady sitting She literally has a newborn baby sitting upright in a seat with a shotgun just sitting there
01:01:28
Speaker
I literally like, well, I didn't even say anything, right? So I go to the bus driver and I was like, Hey, I'm like, there's no seats here. And the guy goes, no, I know there's a shotgun baby there.
01:01:38
Speaker
He's like, yo, two pack fucking. Oh, my God. So he asked this lady, he's like, hey, you got to hold your kid like we're out of seats. And she was like, I hold my motherfucking key if it is mother and the guy was like, do it or get off the bus. And then I have to go sit next to this lady who fucking motherfucked me for three hours. And the whole time her baby's just blank staring at me.
01:01:59
Speaker
And then he shit himself and then she changed him next to me and it literally smelled like a freezer-burned black baby We went through every town of Southern New Jersey It was literally just a barbecue chip dump
01:02:31
Speaker
Getting motherfucked by somebody is like some of the best shit you can go through. Oh my god, it's so great. Getting motherfucked is one of the best things ever. It's insane. It's insane. Someone motherfucks you for a long time.
01:02:44
Speaker
Damn, I'm surprised that the smell just didn't go away after like 30 minutes. Oh my god, and then I'm on the boardwalk and now I'm smelling churros and black baby turds. Yeah, it's like just stuck in my head. It was in my nose, it was in my mind. It was in my mind. It was in my mind. You shit your mind.
01:03:02
Speaker
That baby shit my conscience. Oh my god. Get off your thoughts. That would be sick, just fucking baby play. And like really, like they want you to be a baby. It's like, all right, well guess what? I'm going to literally puke hot milk on your face then. I'm going to go, I'm like, hey, what's up, baby? I'm at the bar. I'm like, brrr. I'm on his fucking chin. Just shoot chunky hot milk on your fucking chin.
01:03:42
Speaker
Yeah, that's so fucking funny Real like they should do a thing about like the dark side of baby play yeah
01:03:55
Speaker
Like hitting your girlfriend in the eye with a fuckin' rattle. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah, swallowing and earring. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
01:04:27
Speaker
Drowning Dude she would come over work every day. I would literally walk the toilet paper out of the house
01:04:42
Speaker
oh man shitting up your back at a fucking like a like a like a company like a company fucking party would be so good just shitting up your back at a white button-down shirt also just headbutting your wife and the lips yeah yeah
01:05:06
Speaker
I had a baby play. That's the one thing. It's like, you know, you accept all the kings, but now you got to deal with all the real shit. Kicking your socks off in the store. Oh, losing a shoe.
01:05:18
Speaker
Her trying to put up my shoe on me before like a fucking like we're going up in the dark. And I'm on my foots counting like. That soft baby foot. And I pull my foot up into a fist. Pull my foot up into a... Thank you, the baby.
01:05:45
Speaker
If I got put if I was in a relationship, we're like I was in baby play I would also get one of those things you walk around that has wheels on the sides and I would fucking take out everything in my bed Just come in barreling on that like you know, baby's come on
01:06:22
Speaker
I would have my girlfriend every Monday morning make sure she takes me outside to say hi to the trash man
01:06:33
Speaker
Oh, yeah. He wants to say hi to you again. Yeah, he wants to say, oh, I drew you a picture. I traced my hand. I would literally hit every single month. Every holiday, I would hit her with a Trudy's hand theme into that. Oh, man. Honestly, she just comes home and I paint the couch. She's a red hen, sharpie on the TV. Yeah,
Closing Thoughts and Farewell
01:07:01
Speaker
I would literally cray on the dining room wall.
01:07:06
Speaker
one time one time i one time when i was a kid i wrote dick on the couch in pan and my mom was like why did you write dick on the couch and i was like it wasn't me and she was like yeah it was i was like she's like yeah it was i was like no it's not she goes oh yeah then who misspelled it three other times on the other side of the count
01:07:40
Speaker
And I was like, damn, I'm so God. Yeah, I'm so God right now. I was just writing curse words down. You're the only person in the house that can't spell fucking curse words. Yeah, I was like, I'm the only one that can. Oh, man. I'm so fucking crazy.
01:07:55
Speaker
We have one of those couches that, you know, you ever see those couches that are just covered in shit? We have one of them. See, we went to the ceiling and said, can we get an extra pooped? We used to have a black couch, and I don't know what my parents gave them, probably old pizza, but my Rottweiler buddy diarrhea'd the black couch to death.
01:08:21
Speaker
I read on like the back of the cushion, but it like it went across all the cushions
01:08:26
Speaker
That's the thing, dude. Having dogs that have diarrhea, that's just a human having diarrhea. It's a dog as big as a person that doesn't know what's happening to it. A cat diarrhea, it's like somebody knocked over a cup of espresso. Dogs like, who fucking, who did a wet orange shit? The dog's running. The dog's running shit everywhere. He's trying to run from his own ass. He also did the negative side of puppy play, dude. Yeah.
01:08:55
Speaker
You just fucking eat her Air Force wands. Did she just shit out of everything? Yeah, just chew the strap off her purse. Yeah, she leaves the guy with her friends, so you shit on her pillow. Yeah. That was good. We're at an hour and nine. Wrap it up. You want to wrap this up? Yeah, we can wrap it up. Thank you for joining us. We'll see you next week for episode four. Episode four, coming at you.