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EP 10: Twenty-Five Studs
128 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Fart Ratings, Stud Mathletics, and Warehouse Winters Presents: Pigs in a Blanket Mode.
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode Setup
00:00:00
Speaker
Close to hell podcast. Episode 10. Episode 10. We're back with T.J. Lee fucking getting the video sorted out. Look at us, huh? Everybody do a kiss. Everybody do a kiss right now.
Kissing Preferences Discussion
00:00:14
Speaker
Do you prefer when you when you when you do kisses, do you like do you like a big smooch or do you like little packs? I either I like if I'm if I'm drunk off tequila, I kiss like a black guy.
00:00:26
Speaker
Yeah. Whole mouth. It's a whole mouth. I try to eat my opponent's face. Yeah. My opponent. My opponent. I try to go out to the opponent's face. I mostly go for their face. You go for their face? Face neck. Are you a face holder or like a hip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Face holder. Yeah, they like that. Just a fucking...
00:00:45
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah smooches smooches smooches like a romantic kiss or like a sloppy like like usher kiss both Yeah, I like I go for like romantic usher romantic. Oh, yeah, you're like a yeah like a hybrid. That's like a buzz kiss Yeah, like if I when you had like when you had like three drinks three beers and a shot
00:01:04
Speaker
That's the type of kiss you do. Like a half usher? If I'm at the beach and I got salty lips, dude, I'm going light skin kiss. Yeah. Essence. Essence. Suck the essence in. Yeah, like a mocha. Yeah, a real mocha, a good kiss.
Middle School Memories
00:01:22
Speaker
I like a nice kiss. I'm a tongue guy, too. Oh, dude, big oral guy. Rawr. You should be able to taste what I had for lunch.
00:01:32
Speaker
I bark before I make out. Couple of arms. Yeah. I remember middle school kids would just lock their face up and you just see the tongue moving around. I think I was the first kid to move my head making out. Girls were like, whoa, this guy's John Stamos. Yeah, sure. Yeah, right.
00:01:54
Speaker
Absolutely. I'm just kidding. I'm like, they listen. Those girls listen to this. The chicks that we grew up with are chicks. No chicks. They're are chicks. This is a chickless podcast. Bullshit. I get messages from women every week. You get messages from women every week. Every single week.
00:02:12
Speaker
We got we got message from a lady a week or two ago. That was like what was the name girl that went to a different school? Yeah, her name was like not from here like Jones Yeah, we went to different schools together, but Yeah, we also did like big like light skin kissing under the deck. Yeah Did you ever know anybody that like dated a chick that went to a different school and they did everything? Oh
00:02:36
Speaker
Yeah, like everyone that I was friends with like every day none of our boys got pussy Yeah, like everyone had a story. Everyone's got
Childhood Games and Antics
00:02:45
Speaker
us. Everyone's going ham. Did you ever pussy lie?
00:02:48
Speaker
Dude in fucking like in like elementary school. I pussy lied straight elementary school I was like I was like yeah, I was like dude. I was like I'm dating her her I didn't know who I was I had it like I was dating three girls at the same time But I didn't want them to know about each other So I would tell any whoever I was told you better not tell anybody, but I fucked all three of them Yeah, I'm like third grade
00:03:10
Speaker
Yeah, although that's the thing. When I was in elementary school in Abu Dhabi, before I moved to Haverton, we had this thing called Tatlot, where high school girls would come to the park and they would basically babysit, like four or five high school girls would come hang out.
00:03:28
Speaker
and like be hot and like a bunch of little kids would like run around and they would like watch them. It was called taut lot trying to impress and I was basically yeah, my whole life was like impressing them. Yeah. And so basically it was like, oh, these are my five girlfriends like yeah, I pretty much they see me like destroy squish the lemon. They see me to fucking defend the title. Yeah. Yeah. I'll squish the lemon fucking red Rover. Wait, what squish the lemon?
00:03:51
Speaker
That's where when you make lemonade, one kid sits at the bottom of the slide, then a bunch of kids all come down the side with their legs over the side trying to trying to trying to basically try to you're trying to fucking you're trying to like break the like anorexic autistic kid that you hang out with. You put him in the middle trying to break holder pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, usually I'd be the guy at the end because it'd be impossible to get me off the end of
Wrestling and Showing Off
00:04:13
Speaker
the slide. I was like a fucking barnacle. You're like a particle in the end with ship.
00:04:18
Speaker
I was tougher than a fucking $2 barnacle, dude. I remember trying to impress any of my boys that had an older sister. I was always flirting, dude. Oh, dude. I remember when I would go to Ridley, when I would go to Ridley and do wrestling on the trampoline with my cousins, we would do WrestleMania. Lock eyes with poor fishermen. We would have the entire neighborhood in their backyard to watch us wrestle on the trampoline. We would knock door to door like, hey, we're having WrestleMania. You got to get over there.
00:04:46
Speaker
And so like, I remember like, I would like talk all like types of shit and they talk all crazy. My cousin would get so fired up. My cousin Dylan, he would get so fired up. He was like a year or two younger than me. Right. So like, so like I would like be like, shut up. You're acting like such a little kid.
00:05:05
Speaker
Yeah, so he would be like, oh my god, you're showing off. You would always say you're showing off. Yeah. When someone says that you're
Mischief at the Mall
00:05:11
Speaker
showing off when you're a kid, that's when you die. You die. Stop showing off. The only person that wasn't able to say it was him because he was a little kid. I would make my brother's friends laugh. My brother would be like, shut up. You're fucking showing off. No.
00:05:26
Speaker
Anytime your older brother is like gone with you. I'm not oh when you're crushing I'm literally crushing in front of his friends cuz I'm saying like vagina Kids with the shit kids cool. He knows the word pussy. Yeah, you pretty much said pussy like I'd be like like I'd be like if I was a girl I would pee at my pussy I'm one of the guys what are we doing next?
00:05:51
Speaker
The mall or I always thought like going to the mall was like when I was like a little kid like my brother would be like Yeah, we're going to the mall. I'm like damn to be Literally a fly on the wall. The mall was like a pussy shop. I thought it was like a red light district for like 12 year old kids the mall When I went to the mall for the first time I was like
00:06:16
Speaker
The mall is what it is. Well, here's the thing. I thought it was like any in pretzel scented just brassy parade. Did you not like the first experience of the mall? No, no. God, no. I loved it too. I loved it. I loved it. Like all the food court. I know. See, we didn't do nothing. That's the thing. I went to the mall for like no reason. You guys are going with like 35 bucks for a whole family. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
00:06:39
Speaker
But you can still go window shopping. You can still look and see stuff. That's a fun part. You can play with stuff. I never liked that. I liked it, but then if I knew I wasn't getting nothing, I'm like, I don't even want to be in this fucking place. Fuck this dump. I would make myself puke so we'd have to leave quick. I made myself puke a few times. Not puke. I've chewed up food and spit it on the floor and told a teacher I
Faking Sickness Tales
00:07:00
Speaker
puked to leave. I did that a million times. I did that in kindergarten, and they were like, yo, this kid's scheming and plotting.
00:07:07
Speaker
We gotta keep an eye on this kid. He's literally scheming and plotting. This kid fucking knows something. He knows the secrets. Kid's parents are on welfare, using dead people to get their lights on. I fucking, I faked, I chewed up a granola bar and spit it into the toilet. And I brought my fifth grade teacher into the bathroom to shower the puke. She goes, it looks like a chewed up granola bar. And I was like, yeah, I don't think I digested it the right way.
00:07:31
Speaker
I gotta go home right now. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Don't call me out on this fucking lie. I think I just did the right way. I don't think something in my guttural flora didn't really agree with it. Yeah, something about my intestinal biome. Yeah, my biome, something's fucky. Yeah, something's fucking with my gut biome. Do you have a kombucha or maybe like a sipping tea?
00:07:58
Speaker
I need something probiotic. Do you have maybe some raw ginger? I don't know. Do you have tumor powder? I do half a teaspoon of that. Back to pussy lying. I guess this isn't really pussy lying.
Exaggerating Romantic Encounters
00:08:08
Speaker
But there was this one time where I slept over at this kid's house and he had an older sister. I had a crush on him. And he had a crush on his babysitter who was the sister's friend. And we got him in a tent. We were like plotting all day. We got them in a tent with us.
00:08:21
Speaker
Me and him he he took he took the babysitter. I took the sister and We were both looked at each other. We counted down for five and we fucking grabbed their tits. Oh my god Dude just honked on these tits That's such an adventure caused mayhem in that tent because they were trying to fucking like hit us and shit I couldn't get the zipper on though. Oh I even I brought both zippers down this way
00:08:46
Speaker
Like, I even got him down where I'm like, it's gonna be a pain for them to get out of here in my fucking world, bitch! Pussy plotting! Pussy plotting and pussy lying, but this was pussy plotting. Pussy plotting is just as crazy as pussy lying. Oh my god, they fucking freaked out, and then when his fucking dad got home... Beating. I had to basically explain myself to, like, the girl's dad, but she was like 15, I was like 7.
00:09:10
Speaker
It's like he's like, what are you doing? I'm like I'm fucking I Remember calling my mom be like you gotta come pick me up because I just fucking did some shit. She's like what happened I was like we locked his sister and the babysitter in the tent and we were trying to fill him up and my mom was like, oh my god Girls
00:09:40
Speaker
She's all about it. Me fucking sexually assaulting a woman. That's so fucking funny. They thought it was funny in Cuban. In hindsight, it was like...
00:09:49
Speaker
That's that is yeah, you gotta nip that you gotta know that has to be nip I definitely I got screamed at by if you gotta get nipped I got screamed at by a dude looks like Andy Reid. So I fucking I really I really never did it again That's a nip. You got to try everything when you're young You guys try to post a plot and it's crazy I post you plotted one time as a kid and I'm happy I did it when I did
00:10:10
Speaker
Dude, I post-applied it with my brother's, like, long-term girlfriend.
Schemes to Impress Older Girls
00:10:14
Speaker
Really? Yeah, I was like eight or nine, and, like, she was, like, into playing basketball, and I remember, like, one time, I was like, we're gonna go play basketball. You're like, I'm into sucking tits. Yeah, like, I was like, we're gonna go play basketball, like, she's, like, obviously gonna, like, fall in love with me. Yeah. We're gonna, like, you know what I mean? It's gonna be, like, a whole, like, thing. Yeah, she's gonna see that I'm not my brother.
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah, I'm like he's a fucking dick and a jerk and a jock. He's a dumb jock. I'm this like sophisticated like little kid who likes wrong. I'm a sophisticated little kid. I'm like a sophisticated like likes to be in my boxers when I'm home. Constantly barefoot. Like worn plaid boxers as plaid shorts before like cool. Polar Express is a big deal. Yeah, it's a big deal.
00:10:57
Speaker
Just sayin'. I'm just sayin'. I'm just sayin'. You, me, Polar Express, couple caprisons. Couple caprisons. I'm just sayin'. Just the idea of a kid setting up a date with an older lady is the funniest thing ever. It's like we're probably gonna go walk around the woods.
00:11:12
Speaker
I'll show her a couple sticks. I'll show her a couple sticks. We'll do things that she likes, like she'll take me to go get a wrestler. We'll do shit that she likes to do. She'll take me to K-Mart, obviously. I'm probably going to show her my best shit on the swings. I'll probably show her my best.
00:11:29
Speaker
Yeah, like we'll be at the same height on the swing, we'll be married. Oh, come on. It's not that hot anymore. Relationships aren't hot anymore. The swings were hot. The swings were hot? The swings were hot. I stunk so bad on the swings one time.
00:11:45
Speaker
I was coming back. I was I was getting a hit on myself. I was tasting myself. I was tasting myself. You were the ghost of Booty Pass? I was the ghost of Booty Pass. Oh my god, you were hitting me. And they were like, all right, now you jump. And I remember getting this big ass jump. And when I jumped, I felt like, I guess, like the shit stain. I think the shit stain detached. And then by the time it came back in the air, it was cold. And I knew I had a fucking thick shit stain. That's awesome. You had a fucking spike strip. Yeah.
00:12:14
Speaker
I remember like, I remember like we'd start a club. Like my friends, we'd always start like a club, like the ninja club. Like, all right, ninja club. This we gotta do to get in. You gotta fucking jump off the slide. That's crazy. We played, we played eight mile. We did eight mile. Everyone wanted to be M&M.
00:12:32
Speaker
You were the black-headed trying to fix up your bike, you started freestyling? We literally would argue over who got to be Eminem and the thing was, I didn't even know who he was but I know I wanted to be him. I didn't know who he was. He's the best, obviously. I didn't even see the movie but I remember like, I was like... You were just eating M&Ms all the time? I was just like, yeah. I had no idea who the fuck the guy was but I was like, nah, I'm him. I'm him. Nah, that sounds like me. Yeah. Calling shit.
00:12:57
Speaker
Calling shit. Calling shit is the best. Cause if you ever had a brother, you called nothing. Cause your older brother's like, you're a fucking little bitch. How about that? Oh dude. You call something? I call this. Oh dude,
Working at Wawa
00:13:08
Speaker
the best is when like I would find out my brother like went and got like a bunch of clothes. I would go try them all on. That's so fucking fun. Oh yeah.
00:13:16
Speaker
I would send him pictures. Are you doing brother drag? I would send him pictures. I'd be like, yo, this shirt rules. The shirt's really cool. Thanks. Yeah.
00:13:27
Speaker
Oh my God. Did I remember I borrowed my brother's snapback to get some pussy at a dance? It worked. It worked. I had a Charlotte Hornets fucking snapback. I literally crushed pussy that day. I wore my brother's shoes that he didn't even wear yet to go to a fight in middle school. I dressed up. I got fitted up for a fight. Not for my fight. I was just going. You got fit up to watch. Like Trump. Yeah, I showed up.
00:13:52
Speaker
That's how Trump shows up dressed real short. I showed up and showed out. We only wear suits. I remember I got a text from him that was like, oh my, like he was like, I just imagine how angry he was. Like, oh my God. Fucking pissed. Where the fuck are the shoes? Oh, you probably popped a yellow sock in there. I probably definitely like took. Yeah.
00:14:12
Speaker
You put like a nasty yellow sock in there. I put like a, I like unrolled like a sock saucer and like stuck my foot in there and then definitely fucking jammed in there. Ruined him. Brand new. You ruined him. Oh my god. You probably do a middle school fight.
00:14:27
Speaker
I deserve to get the ass beatings that I got. Every once in a while, sure. You know? That's how I feel like, too, growing up. I feel like I deserve some of the ass beatings that I got. Yours were bad because you were on a production line. That's what makes me a hard worker now. Yeah. Did you get your ass kicked?
00:14:48
Speaker
Yeah, every once in a while. That's like discipline. What would you do to get your ass kicked? Just like fuck around in school. Damn. So it was like I calculated. My parents were impulse beaters. Like I wouldn't be like they weren't like you're getting your ass beat later.
00:15:01
Speaker
It was always like all in the spot. It would be like, who the fuck ate the last of the fucking instant mashed potatoes? Oh, the box. The box. Yo, hold on. Peep this fart. This is live on the cam, dude. Let's get it. First cam fart. Let's get it. Can we start rating my farts? Yeah. All right. What number's out of 10?
00:15:24
Speaker
Solid like a two parter. Yeah, it was like a dude dude. There's a two parter fucking stinks 8.2 Stinks bad. Wow wait air that came out of your ass things Who'd have thought
00:15:37
Speaker
Yeah, ghost, ghost poops. Weekly John Farts rating. I'll always be farting on this podcast. John Fart. I'll be farted. My God. That's brought to you by Wawa Burritos. Brought to you by the worst burrito I've ever had. Yeah. Tastes like shit. Yeah. Tastes like eating a, like a shoe. It just tastes like a bunch of, like, tastes like, like hot water. Really tastes like hot water. Everything in Wawa's cooked in hot water. It's boiled. It's sous vide. Sous vide. Yeah.
00:16:06
Speaker
sous vide steak That is true all of this all of the stuff it comes frozen in bags and you drop it in the fucking hot water tub Is that how they make their coffee?
00:16:23
Speaker
how they make their cigarettes. The coffee, they just switched it up back to fresh grind. They were fanging while our coffee's banging. Well, for a while they were doing the pre ground in the bag. Shit. Shit.
00:16:39
Speaker
Well they got like robots now working the fucking line. Dude, I was working a while while during the holidays and people were like, do you have the holiday blend? I'm like, oh my god. Did you have? I fucking, of course. I'm like, there's two fucking things in right in front of you. I'm the same way. I'm a motherfucker in there, dude.
00:16:54
Speaker
Yeah. I just don't do it the way my dad does it. Like if they're at a Cuban roast, that's all I drink. I don't like get up. My dad gets like fucking like, my dad gets ballsy about it.
00:17:10
Speaker
Yeah, I like the Misby La Roast. I like the Fish Head Soup Roast. Yeah, I like the Fish Head Salad.
Critique of Megachurches and Joel Osteen
00:17:17
Speaker
I mean, can't you, like, technically ask if they can brew more of that coffee? Oh yeah, you can ask for anything you want. I'll get a sizzly at, like, 10 p.m. Yeah, you can order a sizzly late in the day. Oh yeah. Yeah, because they just have to keep that thing stocked.
00:17:29
Speaker
They're making them all fucking day. Yeah, they don't want you to know. There's like three types of people that work a while. Well, there's like the lady that was probably pretty good looking in the 80s that stuck with the haircut the entire time. The chick that will ride that mullet into the ground.
00:17:46
Speaker
Yeah, ride Whitesnake all the way to their fucking grave. Yeah, dude, Whitesnake, yeah. But they would all end that. Then they also have the pierced up guy. Yup. Pierced up. Like you have to have gauges to work in the deli there. Yup. Gauges. Well, he's the supervisor. Sorry, supervisor. He's the supervisor, actually. Yeah, and then there's Jim. And there's Jim. Who was like, what were you like? Cigarette guy? I literally was Cigarette's guy. You just hold the cigarettes all day? I literally was, I would stand in bullshit at the register all day.
00:18:17
Speaker
selling blunts to everybody. Literally, like, literally, like, hi, how you doing? Blah, blah, blah, back up shit. There's a lady at the Havertown, while she worked there for a little while. She had two broken legs. Broken legs? Oh, yeah. She used to walk to work. You watched her walk in the snow with two broken legs. Shut the fuck up, dude. What the fuck? I don't want the fucking snow in my car. I don't want the tracking shit in my car. I was like Joel Austin in my car. I don't want him tracking shit. I don't want him tracking shit in my car. I was Joel Austin in the road. I'm the Joel Austin in the road.
00:18:46
Speaker
I'm the Joel Austin amigo room you're the Joel Austin amigo room yeah we should do we should we should we should we should dive into Joel Austin because his teachings are phenomenal we can we have the computer over there he's a fucking pussy dude he's a fucking retard every super church retard is a pussy they're not retarded though because they manage to manipulate people they're very smart
00:19:08
Speaker
They're
Experiences at Black Churches
00:19:09
Speaker
just taking... those guys are fucking retarded, but they're also evil geniuses, but they just prey on super fucking retarded people. They prey on, yeah, they prey on like fat retarded women. And man. And like moo moo dresses.
00:19:23
Speaker
blatantly retarded human beings walking the earth there's nothing going on there's nothing going on in their head nothing going on they're like I need something somebody needs to tell me how to think I gotta fucking I gotta figure this out and then they show up and then they go to church where you want to go to run around church though you wanna go to run around church fucking church we could just
00:19:45
Speaker
I think I'm getting I think it'll give me anxiety. I'll be like No, I think I'd be like ah these people are like really if this isn't a joke it is a joke to us I'd put it like I'm like I don't well I mean if you put it good enough act they won't notice
00:20:01
Speaker
I think we should go to a Pentecostal church and run the fuck around. I want to go to a black church. You guys ever been
Observations on Women Driving
00:20:08
Speaker
to a black church? Black church is the best. My girlfriend got healed as a black church, but she cried as a little kid. Black pastor grabbed her and was like, he like freed her up, spirits, and she like started crying. She was like, it was beautiful. Good. They were like, Lord have mercy on this little thick white baby. She got a hot wing and a pocket. She got a hot wing and a pocket.
00:20:29
Speaker
I know I really I want to go to fucking I want to go to run around church Say get up and just fucking sprint as far as I want you so hilarious is that is no I don't I want to You receive that guy you see that that black gay guy that got healed in the church. Yeah
00:20:52
Speaker
I like that. It's amazing. He's, he's pussy lying. That is pussy lying. That is king pussy lying, dude. That's king pussy lying. You're lying right now. King pussy lie. You can't have that hard part and say, and, and pussy lie like that. Pussy lying is so funny, but it's only funny when you're literally in third grade. Are there some people like pussy lying to like,
00:21:14
Speaker
get married with a woman. I work with men in a warehouse that pussy lie. That's just locker room, Todd. I work in the locker room, dude. I feel like we're all tow up on each other with mean comments about each other's race every day. That's all it is. Yeah, dude, working in a warehouse really fucking makes you miserable, dude. Like, real miserable.
00:21:36
Speaker
I feel like I started union. We got it. Yeah, we're going to unionize. Now, we want Kit Kats in the break room. No more snickers. What are you watching TV, dude? Yeah, yeah. Are you watching TV? You got a talk show. Hello? Yeah, Katie Kirk. Hold on. Katie Kirk said, hold on a second. I'm watching Fox 29. Hold on. Yuki Washington.
Humorous Diet and Salad Takes
00:21:57
Speaker
Yuki Washington. I'm going to yuke.
00:22:01
Speaker
I wanna talk about this omen that I saw on my way back home today. So an omen? Yeah. An amen? Fucking amen. Fucking amen. I was driving back home. I was driving back home and then I saw this lady just eating a salad while driving and I thought that was like the most beautiful thing. That was your omen? That was my omen, dude. Was it a good omen? Yeah, I think so. I saw a woman eating a salad while driving. Yeah, I never saw something like that before in my life. Like out of a bowl? Yeah, just fork and bowl altogether. Was she fat?
00:22:27
Speaker
a little chunky, but I think she's trying to lose some weight. She probably dunked the Mountain Dew on that fucking salad. You can make a salad twice as fattening as a cheese dig. You really can. Bacon bits. That means you get more coverage. Technically, bacon bits isn't actually bacon. It's just vegan, fake.
00:22:46
Speaker
Pork yeah, it's like fucking it's like it's like when chicks wipe their pussy real hard with like bad toilet paper And they dry that out. That's literally what it is. That's why I do It's little like full fucking like pussy like dingleberries. You gotta save every swipe dude save every swipe Could you imagine being a woman and fucking pissing in your ass? Fucking horrible dude horrible horrible Guys technically pissing their ass
00:23:15
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, you have to try. They just sit down and piss in their asshole and they go back out into the office and just fucking tear it up. I got a fucking asshole to piss. I got a asshole to piss.
00:23:27
Speaker
Women are demons from hell. Women, yeah. Demons. Having a pussy is so fucking not it. It's so not cool. Yeah, I feel like it kind of sucks. There's so much more you have to do. Do you think like, do you think like, dikey lesbians, like, do you think they like, walk around with their hands in their pants? Like, yes. I didn't even thought of that.
00:23:48
Speaker
Yes! Studs actually make me laugh so hard. They got their hand on their mouth, dude. I'm so fucking hard right now. It's like, ew, what's hard? Studs are like this, dude. Studs are like, yo, my pussy. My pussy hard as shit right now. My pussy hard as fuck right now.
00:24:15
Speaker
My pussy's hard as fuck right now. Pussy hard as fuck right now. Dude, they just got a big fucking shrimp for a clip. Nah, I'm friends with a couple studs. They're on Instagram like, fucking need hair right now. I need hair. I need hair right now. I need noggin, bro. Lesbian studs demand head like men.
00:24:37
Speaker
I need my man head. I need my fucking pussy sucked. I need my shit ate. I need my shit ate. I hand down the pants. I need noggin. That's so fucking funny. My balls is hot. The studs crack me the fuck up. You're so fucking funny, dude. Everything they do rules. Yeah. So somebody told me and fucking flinches at him.
00:25:07
Speaker
Get your hand out of your muff. Get your hand out of your muff. Get your fucking muff. Get your fucking wrist out of your box. That's so fucking funny. Oh my god. You ever see two studs, dude? Yeah. You ever see stud on studs? Does that work? Yeah. Does that work? It has to work. Yeah. I thought it always has to be like one, like, diamond mat. It works. It causes razor bumps, but it works. Yeah, it causes razor bumps. It works, though. I told you not to shave backwards, Donny.
00:25:38
Speaker
There's a power couple right there. There's a power couple, yeah. You can fist fight. If there's two of them, there's more than one stud. You can fight them. I want them on your side. It's okay to punch a stud if there's two studs. Yeah, two studs is a guy. Two studs equals one blood. Two studs equals one blood. That's true. Duh. Yeah, that's math. That's mathematics. That's mathematics. That's mathematics.
00:26:01
Speaker
Two studs is a fucking, that's a big deal. Two studs is one, bro. I take a picture of two studs. I see two studs. Yeah, that's a cachoo. That's a cachoo. Yeah, I'm going to take a selfie with two studs. What's up? Yeah, I'm going to be doing a stud sandwich. Fellas.
00:26:22
Speaker
Fellas yo guys. Yeah, yeah dudes Yeah, you know what I know what I can't stand sir for dudes who wins in a fight 25 studs or 10 server dudes 25 They literally put their hand in their box and they just noxious
00:26:54
Speaker
It's a fucking it's literally it's literally a pussy this it's like the mixture of like pussy funk I'm like pussy funk and like old spice studs. Yes studs somehow get their pussy smell like nuts That's the thing is like like when people like when trans people like do that when they take new hormones is like Does it make their fucking pussy smelling nuts nuts?
00:27:17
Speaker
Not possibility I do like I'm just trying to imagine like a trans chick like spraying or pussy fucking not stink today It's not sucking a guy talk. Yeah, that's what anyone else is fucking not stink. No one says that No, I've never walked into work. So I'm fucking not stink. Oh
00:27:47
Speaker
I mean, we're gonna warehouse. I totally am. I might have said it three times today. I'm like, my bad, I got warehouse nuts. Hold on, baby. I know you want to do some shit, but I got warehouse balls right now. It's always whatever you did plus balls is what you got. It's whatever kind of balls I have. Damn, I got fucking urgent care balls. Hold on.
00:28:09
Speaker
That's so funny though. That's such a great idea for like a sketch just a fucking like a trans chick turning to guy like trying to like learn like guy talk. Yeah, trying to do locker room talk. Yeah, she's got a nice pussy hole. Anyone else is not stink.
00:28:31
Speaker
Girl you don't have notes yet. I don't think you have nuts imagine No, it's really funny though being a girl and like you're going to get a surgery. It's like I want nuts Take my exert pain the ass to fucking maintain. Yeah having balls
00:28:46
Speaker
Well, I don't know. I feel like balls are a lot easier than a vagina. Because I know some studs that walk around with a softy that they wear, like a prosthetic softy. To look like a cock. Yeah. Kind of like a truck. What is that? It's for aesthetics. It's for aesthetic, but it's like most people don't walk around with a pronounced bulge going.
00:29:07
Speaker
I tried to puff that fucker up, but I can't. Just walk around with it. Once you get in the warehouse, dude, it is straight up fucking pig in a blanket. I see my supervisor and I get upset. I get a pig in a blanket right away.
00:29:28
Speaker
I'm going to go. I'm going to go lay down somewhere. I'll be back around like 230. You have your third SIG. I'll be back in the blanket mode is super funny. Pig in a blanket mode is like a warehouse classic. I see black eyes with a pig in black. That's just warehouse. I want my shit go well.
00:29:49
Speaker
What is the studs warehouse post like dude? Probably smells like metal. Metal with sparks. Sparg and sparks. Now do you think a stud keeps hair on it? Yeah. Cause they wanted to sting like knots. They wanted to smell like knots.
00:30:06
Speaker
No, that's why they wear boxers Because they want the ass wet to get in there. They want to get stay wanted to smell like not yeah Suck in the shit bro. Imagine if there was a way like not spray like not only do you have the bulge? But you spray the bulge with not spray. That's what I was about to say I want to smell more like I'm they got like nuts. Yeah, it's like take like take like any ins raldo and like fucking like
00:30:31
Speaker
and then, like, rub that on your asshole, and then, like, rub that on your clit. That's fucking what nuts smell like, dude. Certain, like, certain boxers, like, if I'm roll- Like, I rolled into work, fresh nuts, fresh boxers, and then, by the end of the day, it is, like, a fucking hers hard pretzel. Yeah, Snyder's fucking runny mustard nonsense. I got Shnighters afterward. Sorry, I got Shnighters. It's like, I got the fucking sourdough twist, dude. Oh, yeah. Fuck.
00:31:01
Speaker
Honey, I got the honeyweed twist. Oh, yes Would you now with this like with the trans surgery like I never understood like do they when they get like an addytic to me do they is it a prosthetic penis They usually just wear a strap but what so what if you're a guy going to girl they just cut it off and then tie your
00:31:25
Speaker
They invert it. They invert all of it. They put your penis in you. Fuck, I'm trans already though. I've been trans. Certain angles, I'm trans. The way I'm sitting right now, I'm fully trans. The angles are right now, I got a dick coming out of my ass right now. I'm about to shit my own dick. I got a shallow Hal Jason Alexander right now. I got a fucking little nub.
00:31:47
Speaker
Yeah, but what? So they reconfigure it? They turn the dick into a vagina? They turn the dick, they slice it down the middle. Like a hot dog in a frying pan, dude. And then they push it in and create like a pussy hole. Is it a hole though? Yeah, it's a hole. And it's like, but here's the thing. It's like the size of your dick. So you can't like... So it's like fucking an inside out dick.
00:32:15
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, shit nice though. Shit nice though. Shit smell like balls. I'm gonna say this though. I'm gonna say this though. It should be smelling like nuts. I'm gonna say that. It'd be smelling like nuts. Shawty was hot, but she smelled like balls. So you're telling me my vagina is only as big as my penis? So I'm gonna have the tightest vagina in the world? Yeah, I got a fucking nice one. I got a nice one. If I ever had one, I'd have a nice one with my vagina. Hell yeah, man.
00:32:44
Speaker
little weenies. Yeah, weenies. We're Koreans. We're Korean.
00:32:51
Speaker
I know Starbucks pays you to get it. Yeah, I know Starbucks wants you to get it So what like like what is that like thousands and thousands of dollars probably a lot more? You're getting you're going to like it's like a penis like a penis guy cuz insurance is not cover-notch dr. Penis
00:33:14
Speaker
Dr. Pingus. Yeah, you can't get a penis put on. That's a pingus. Yeah, dude, some late nights off the pingus. Wait, so you get to choose your cock then. That's pretty, that's like- I'm going black. It's more beautiful than- I'm going black. Than you realize. I'm going black. You get an option. I had a trans coworker that wore like a dick that was like too big. Like it was like too big. I was like, I'm like, why are you trying to like, I'm like, you work in public. Penis. Why are you trying to like show everyone like your penis? Because I'm misgendering them.
00:33:45
Speaker
I'm like, that's, I can't stop misgendering them. Stop Nazi. I know. Stop Nazi. I know. I can't stop being Hitler. You're fucking stud Nazi. I'm a stud Nazi. I don't like, I don't, I got yelled at for being misgendered. I do. I got yelled at for like violating LGBT code like so many times while working for Starbucks while literally actually being gay.
00:34:10
Speaker
You got like like it's always their own kind. Misgendering was like a thing where like it wasn't a problem until it was a problem that day. Oh, yeah. It was never the person that happened to know the person that it happened to would just be like, that's whatever. You know, I mean, I know like it was always it was always some it was like a chick with a chin strap beard. I know it's going to happen. You know, I mean, but then it would be someone else. They'd be like, hey,
00:34:35
Speaker
It's day, and I'm like all right. I'm sorry the people who got offended like younger a lot younger. Oh like our age all right It was always like our age and then like like just a absolute fucking loser I feel like if you are trans like the older you get you're gonna be like oh shit like I'm Gonna have to deal with the shit anyways, so they're like they kind of like build that fix me. Yeah, I
00:34:59
Speaker
yeah dude you have to like I'm like love you I'm like love is love but like shut up also I don't mind like if you want to be I want to bust your balls dude I won't bust your fake balls they're not fake they're not fade the real lady ball say the real they are real they are real they're nice give such real ball good morning you're such real balls yeah they want
00:35:29
Speaker
Good morning, you have such real balls. It's so funny, like, women know a woman is trans if, like, they're really friendly and, like, actually they're a friend. Yeah.
00:35:38
Speaker
I saw a video of this person, I think I probably mentioned in this before, but the person that goes out to restaurants and gets misgendered. Oh my gosh. It's like a knife through the heart. It's like a knife through the heart every time. You know what's a knife to the heart? A knife through the heart. That's a real one. Yeah, you know what's a knife through the heart? A bomb hitting a fucking hospital. Yeah, so I literally saw you drop your fork onto your balls and wins.
00:36:02
Speaker
like I don't hate trans people at all I just think like like when I worked at Starbucks it was like my first time working with trans people so like I had to adjust and then I'm not like a like a like a right-wing like racist kind of guy but for some reason in there I felt like fucking Hitler no because
00:36:20
Speaker
Yeah, they said that me and Jim said something about putting swastikas on our fucking apron. And I was like, if we did say that, it wouldn't have been, yeah, let's put, it probably was me, and you'd be like, yo, we should put swastikas on our, just being funny to each other. How funny would that be? How funny would that be if we killed everyone in the building? It is funny to say that. Why is it not funny to say that?
00:36:39
Speaker
I know, but we were in Wawa earlier. We should put swastikas on an apron and see what happens. TJ was drinking a smoothie in the Wawa. I'm like, sir, you can't bring that in here. Everyone looked like he had a gun. We're only saying it because you're not supposed to say it. That's what's funny about it. Sir, you can't have that in here. Sir, sir. Sir, put it down. Oh my God, if I was a sir. Everyone looks so concerned. I took my hands off. I got in trouble with Starbucks because there was a transfer. Somebody shot the smoothie out of their hand.
00:37:08
Speaker
I was the huge drinking marinara. Did he's posturing up? But I worked with a trans person that was like a 35 year old telling guy and they were transitioning into a woman and the hormones weren't taking and they were like
00:37:24
Speaker
I don't know what's happening. It's not happening." And I was like, maybe you're just chronically Italian, dude. Like, maybe you're just Italian as shit. And that turned into a, I gotta talk to the manager and all this other stuff. And I'm like, always... Like, yeah, you said someone was Italian. They were like, how dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How do you know he's Italian? It's literally a meatball. Yes, I was literally talking to a meatball with a chain.
00:37:47
Speaker
It was a big-time Tommy I literally was it that was talking to big-time Tommy. I'm like maybe use your Italian What I'm actually finished
00:37:57
Speaker
I'm finished. I'm actually finished working here as well, yeah. No, I mean that could be a possibility because I saw something on like YouTube shorts of like redheads needing more, like, estrogen or whatever. No, when you get longer surgery. Yeah, they need more love, right? Yeah, they do. That's why they're so pale. Redheads are fucking disgusting.
00:38:21
Speaker
No, but they need more morphine, the thing that puts you out when you go into surgery. Not really. They have a higher tolerance for opiates? Yeah. So maybe Italian people have higher tolerance to testosterone or something.
00:38:31
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, like, here's the thing. He put the hormones in. He can't go 30 years of being a fucking 100% Italian and then being like, I need to be a dainty woman. He took the hormones. Either the women are like, listen, join the club, we all have beards. It's hard. The hormones pulled up to his brain and the brain was like, fuck outta here. The hormones pulled up, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:38:55
Speaker
You love Italians I like the sopranos you like the sopranos you like I like meatballs you like You like meatballs you like spaghetti Really? Assuming I like meatballs. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's crazy. You love meatballs
00:39:16
Speaker
Alright, so do you hate Italians or like Italian Americans because I feel like there's Italian Americans I know I don't hate Italian Americans I just think that like Italian Americans like when there's people that like a cringy Italian is My dad gets he gets to Italian sometimes It makes me fucking sick Italians I've seen like videos on like Instagram shit like real Italians talking about like how to pronounce the food Uh-huh and like in New York to be like fucking
00:39:55
Speaker
I just know I don't care. I know one thing and it's that I don't care. Yes, I don't care. But they like they do this thing where they're like, move to the on this fucking Italian ladies like it's actually actually most of it.
00:40:11
Speaker
Fucking mooch it out. It's fucking trash man. It's moved to that. Oh, come on more the devil fucking God for deals and fucking
00:40:29
Speaker
Die. Die. Oh, my God. Die. Fucking annoying. I wish the towers were full of them. I saw. I wish the towers were full of those fucking wop pieces. Now, now, if can you look something up and watch it on YouTube? There's audio. I saw. I don't know about audio. I saw a thing on the Real Housewives of New Jersey. They had the one daughter, Gia, the whole family's fighting. So she wrote a rap and she sang it to the entire family. And they're all like.
00:40:59
Speaker
That was really good. I told you about it. She's like, I wish they would stop fighting. I wish it's really the worst thing I've ever fucking heard. I literally watched it on the toilet and I took my middle finger and pushed my shit back up my ass. I was like, I'm not shitting to this. I won't shit to this. I need 10 minutes to reset. I'm going to come back in and play fucking Call of Duty mobile. I'm not shitting to this. Shit doesn't fall out of my ass to this.
00:41:24
Speaker
It was like, I wish they would stop judging each other. And everyone's like, that's really good. It's literally the worst thing I've ever seen. It's literally the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It's a little girl named Gia. Gia? It's the worst thing I've ever seen. Listen to Gia. We'll post the link. Can we post the link on there? That's the worst. Oh my God.
00:41:45
Speaker
It's the worst thing I've ever seen. I will send you the link. I'm like, it's HTTP colon. I can probably just Google it too. What makes these housewives famous? How did they get this? Because their husbands are rich and they have no wife and they're just mean to each other and then eventually the camera gets rolling and then they just start talking shit about each other.
00:42:06
Speaker
That's all it is. God, I want to be on a reality TV show. I love reality TV because it really is the most mindless shit to watch ever. These whores are going to go to dinner and fucking one of them is going to bring up Jimmy's fucking knee. The table flips. Oh yeah. They're all married to pit bulls. They're all married to like literally like four foot 11 pit bulls that make millions.
00:42:26
Speaker
That's all they do is posture up. They just posture up on each other. There's an episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey where the two, the brother and the husband and the brother-in-law. The brother and the brother-at? Yeah, the brother and the brother-in-law and the brother's cousin and the... cousin. I'm so over cousin. They literally called each other, they called the girl Teresa a scumbag and they get into a fight and they literally run into each other like dogs. When you grab my nuts, will you fuck a homo? Yeah, yeah. He's grabbing my fucking nuts.
00:42:56
Speaker
HOMO. I love HOMO. HOMO is funny. It's so funny. We're all HOMO Sabian. HOMO. Damn, that was fucking deep, Jon. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp.
00:43:12
Speaker
We're all homo sapien. Wow. Okay, like... I'm going to see J-Rad later. Okay, unite. Yeah. Okay, coexist sticker. I'm going to go see J-Rad at Red Rocks. Oh my God, remember that time that we didn't care about the lady at all? I don't care. Anytime a deadhead talks about anything, I can give less of a fuck. You know what a deadhead is? Yeah, Grateful Dead. Oh my God. Have you ever seen videos of them dancing on the fucking street? I want to kill myself. Yeah, the best. I feel like I could say myself a deadhead. Dude, I've been to Shakedown.
00:43:39
Speaker
I know what shakedown is, right? If somebody tomorrow drove a bulldozer through shakedown street, I would fucking literally suck the driver's dick. Killdozer? They're like, they do this free spirit of dancing, and I'm like, you guys have no idea. And the music is like...
00:44:01
Speaker
It's like my girlfriend's 10 years old. My girlfriend's 10 years old. Walking down the street. And I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I'm in and I
00:44:27
Speaker
Um, you have a weight. Well, they're going to come back to the original riff, which was actually, Oh yeah. They're like, it's actually, so they start out with like rain, sleet and snow. And then it goes into fire on the mountain and then it goes back to rain, sleet and snow, but people don't realize it's actually going to be morning deal.
00:44:46
Speaker
It's the dead, man. It's the dom. Oh my god. It's the dom. They fucking suck. Dude, you're invited to the jam. To the jam, for sure. To the jam. Shakedown Street.
00:44:58
Speaker
Are you gonna be a shake? Yo, please tell me you're gonna be a shake. I'll be there, but I'll probably be at Terrapin Station. And I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead. I hate the dead.
00:45:24
Speaker
Fucking like free spirit of like stinky post fucking like dread bitches like balls. Oh my god. They all stink like footed balls, dude And nuts, huh? Yeah, I don't think they just get so fucked up on drugs that they just walk around All of my experience is going to see debt company
00:45:44
Speaker
Just I was I couldn't tell you a single fucking thing that happened because I was blacked out on drugs Yeah, that's why everyone's like no one's actually ever heard the bed. They just they get they get so fucked up. They're like you gotta fucking do drugs Vibrations in their heads, and they're like I like this fucking vibrations go see like fucking 50 cent I mean That'd be awesome Listen I'd have 10 panic attack No
00:46:13
Speaker
If I saw some guy walking around in the skeletons, I literally would have full-on chills for an hour.
00:46:19
Speaker
I would I would need like a priest next to me. It's like anybody with shoes on there People were getting off the thing at shakedown They were like getting off of their like hippie bus and they had like those like black in between toes Yeah, like fucking disgusting. Yeah, just I would walk around I would like to walk around with like steel toe boots and literally just shuffle Kick them up
00:46:47
Speaker
I fucking hate dead heads because the Grateful Dead was a band for like what 30 years? Right from like a 50 late late 50s to like the 90s was like the actual Grateful Dead Then Jerry Garcia died and then there's been like Bob Weir's almost dead Bob Weir's kind of dead John Mayer plays that with dead in company and then there's like
00:47:08
Speaker
then they all have others like oh my god how aren't they dead yet please die please die the last tour is gonna be please fucking kill us good thank god they're all they got they're all dead everyone and people spend their money they'll go to like a ballpark
00:47:25
Speaker
like they'll go to the citizens bank park to watch like it'll be like they're like the original sound guy from the dead he's got a cover band now and he's like fucking like he'll be like Jay rads fucking like I were kind of dead yeah and gets 20,000 people to sit and buy tickets and take drugs it's like I just don't understand the hype about it other than the fact that you don't have an identity
00:47:45
Speaker
and now you have something to be into. Well, it's all about, like, flower power and, like, drugs. I think back then a pie was in the 60s. I don't think so. It is now, though. Like, you go and you go there now and it's like people are like, oh, like, I'm wearing my fucking, like, tapestry pants. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm like, just lean in, Jon. Fuck you, dude. I think someone just needs to take you to one of these concerts. So what happens after that? I'm like, you know what?
00:48:14
Speaker
I thought it was pretty cool. I think I'm gonna follow them around for 30 cities. I think I might ruin every relationship in my life and follow this group. Yeah. I think I might spend a whole fucking dollar. That's their big thing is that they love to have a bunch of people following them. To what? To the fucking jam. To the jam. To Nirvana. And then people are literally... Stupid. Stupid.
00:48:41
Speaker
I'm not trying to be a dick, but out of every fucking concert shot up in Vegas, it should have been one of them. All right. Should have been one. All right. They wouldn't. They were so fucked up on acid that he probably would have gotten a lot more. Yeah. Yeah. Like, wait a minute. He's dead. The power of positivity would never allow that. Yeah, it would never ever.
00:49:05
Speaker
No one ever opens fire. If I was a shooter and I was trying to shoot somebody and I heard morning dew, I wouldn't shoot anybody. Black Muddy River came on literally. I was peeking so hard. I was peeking so hard during Black Muddy River. Ew. And they all like, like it's like the big hippie bags and the dreads and the fucking stink.
00:49:30
Speaker
Hey, ha, ha, no, literally. Ew. No, wait, we camped with you in fucking Wazir man. Yeah, we camped with you. You were the guy who, you were the guy who raffed in my backpack. Yeah. Wait, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were the guy that had a spiraling panic attack because he was shitting for four straight days. Wait a minute, you were the turtle salesman.
00:49:54
Speaker
I bought your last gecko and you became a turtle salesman. That was so, honestly, that was so clutch. My kid could come home and be like, look, I like country music. I like all this. My kid comes home and he's like, I'm a dead head. I'm going to be like, no, you're like a homeless dead head. You're just a dead body. Yeah. Like, like you're homeless now. How do you like that? You're not listening to the Grateful Dead.
00:50:19
Speaker
No, no, no, I'll allow so much my kid is gonna be anything else Transwrestling obsessed little machine chicken nugget machine. I can't give you like a trans rodeo clown We're like a trans enemy. I like how we're saying trans like it's a crazy
00:50:40
Speaker
Yeah, it's not crazy. Nah, it's not. It's not crazy. It's not crazy. It's normal. It's normal. Totally normal. Totally normal. Totally normal. Totally normal. More kids should be training. You should get one. You should get one. You should get one. You want to talk about it. Trans is normal. You should get one. Get one.
00:50:57
Speaker
If you don't want to be one, get a dick. Get a dick. If you're a girl, get a dick. Get a dick. That's my advice to ladies. Dating for ladies is here. That's how you get a man. You want to get a man in 2024, you need to have a dick. You got to become one.
00:51:15
Speaker
dating for boys I don't think I told you guys but my dad got a perm because he wanted to make his hair look longer when he wears a hat because he's balding you need to take a picture of his parents no I do I have a picture and he looks I get to see your dad I've never seen I've been TJ's friend for 20 years I've never seen his dad yeah I laughed so hard because I thought it was like a random Jewish man coming into my sister's house
00:51:38
Speaker
I'm going to get my guy. Yeah, that's black. I was like, I told my dad he should get a yarmulke to like actually like match the part. Look at that, dude. Holy shit. Your dad looks like Larry David. Larry David. Oh, my fucking God. I'm going to put some picture on the. I see a picture of the front of his face. Oh, yeah. Here. Let me get let me. T.J.'s literally Larry David's son. Larry David.
00:52:08
Speaker
Can I see a picture of the guy's face? Literally, like, this guy's not real. Show the camera that picture. That's not true. You show me a picture of your dad, and it's a picture of your dad. I has to see a picture of his dad. You show me literally not his dad. That guy would paint his face like a tiger, beat you up for begrades.
00:52:42
Speaker
I'm telling you that we fucked up. I gotta get home the Tigers wake up
00:52:42
Speaker
I'll scooch you! I'll scooch you! The worst part about his dad doing Tiger is that he has to put out a litter box for him. It lasts all day. I take a stinkin' ass for a dump. I eat some fur and a dump. A ferris of fusin' dude!
00:53:02
Speaker
Every morning, man, that's end garden. Your dad's got, your dad got a curly hair. Yeah. Your dad stole our culture. I'm sorry. All right. You don't see me doing tiger face.
00:53:19
Speaker
As a tiger, I feel annoyed. As a tiger. As a literal tiger. Wait, why is hairstyle becoming like a cultural appropriation? I see Asian people having dreads being like... Black people don't like that we have dreads and I honestly... Well, they're not called dreads anymore. I'm sorry, what are they called? Spirit knobs.
00:53:40
Speaker
Locks sorry dreads dreads are like it's like you're like a bigot if you say dreads now You're like you like you got directly I use a hard day you like hate blacks. Yeah, don't use the hard day don't you like?
00:53:56
Speaker
I'm so uncomfortable that you use the word dreads. Some people, like, I don't know, dreads on a white guy is, like, kind of a crazy look. But, I mean, some people can pull it off. At the same time, though, at the same time, though, that's like saying, like, a black guy with a jerry curl is, like, stealing, like, straight hair, you know what I mean? It's like, who gives a fuck? Do you want the haircut? You have the haircut. If you like it. White kids with cornrows is banging. It is pretty banging. It's pretty banging. Being a white guy with cornrows, pretty fucking banging. I avoid you, but from across the street, I'm like, I don't know. I think you're a little dangerous, but I'm gonna have plenty.
00:54:24
Speaker
It's fine. I think you're a little dangerous. Maybe I'm dangerous. Yeah, I'm taking the kid. What did you say? I'm taking the kid to CF. I'm taking the kid to CF. I just saw a fucking stupid commercial for that movie, and I was just thinking of some dumb parent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You doing a mom is always the best bet. I remember when I worked at the Halloween store. Yeah. This lady came in. She was like, I'm looking for a poop emoji costume. My kid's going to be a poop emoji. And I was like, I hate you.
00:54:58
Speaker
Yeah, I know because you make one told me how to look at you've taught me how to look at people customer service like they're fucking animals because people say should the gym like I got a large coffee and Jim looks like Okay, like you you you've mastered the crazy look you'll match somebody's crazy look oh
00:55:27
Speaker
Yeah, man, I fucking customer service is the funniest thing ever it is the best working in a customer-facing job is the best cuz it's just
00:55:35
Speaker
you just the worst of society you just it's just so fucking stupid like like the brief interactions they're so stupid they they're meaningless and you can just do you get have so much fun
00:55:50
Speaker
it is like you can say shit to them like especially when you're like a barista like people don't like pay attention to you until they have like a few sips of their coffees you can say whatever of them they leave and they're like don't even know what the fuck that kid said to me like we would say shit just right behind the bar like just no one's like as if we're not facing Starbucks customers yeah it's because they're zombies yeah zombies with that caffeine
00:56:12
Speaker
I literally said to Jim, I literally said to Jim one day, I was like, I'll be right, I gotta take the biggest shit of all time. Have a great day. Just- Now the funniest, the funniest- Flat white for Jeff. I got a fucking poop so bad. When you forgot to put a fork in that lady's fucking egg bite, and you panicked and started cutting up a spoon. This lady, I already, so I fucked up, I fucked up this lady's order.
00:56:38
Speaker
I fucked up the sandwich and the drink. And I'm like, fuck, now I gotta put a sandwich back in there for four minutes. It was like a fucking, it was a fucking four minute one. It was one of the four minute ones. World's largest panini. World's largest panini. The biggest piece of shit ever. I made a fucking mile long panini for this fucking queen. But I fucked her food up and I fucked her drink up and she was pissed, right? I gave her a customer recovery card, which is only five bucks. It only gets you like a sip of your next drink for free. And then they're like, all right, eight more dollars.
00:57:09
Speaker
I was panicking and I didn't like she was like I get a fork at least and we didn't have any forks left and Jim's laughing so I just grabbed a spoon and a knife and I just started to cut into a fork. I handed her fucking crudely fashion fork. I literally couldn't fucking stop laughing.
00:57:31
Speaker
I took a fucking picture of it, it's somewhere. It's the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. You're just dealing with drug addicts every morning. Yeah, every once in a while. Him taking the fucking scissors off the side of the thing and cutting a fucking spoon into a floor. The funniest thing that ever happened. The funniest thing that ever happened in any customer service job that ever was. I mean, how'd she handle it? Did she use the spoon? I put it in the bag. Fucking... So now she gets to see that. She gets this jagged spork.
00:57:59
Speaker
Hop back in a Crown Vic and fuck it. She was Jewish, obviously. She was Asian, obviously. Duh. Duh. They're retards. They should stick to what they know best, boogers and dingleberries. I've been saying that in my head for weeks. Boogers and dingleberries. I want to say that so bad. I just want to turn to them and just go, Duh. Duh. Duh. Who wants to wrestle? Who wants to wrestle? I feel like if anyone says that, that's like automatic sucker punch.
00:58:31
Speaker
I would love to do that, like put on like a bubble, and just get someone to beat the shit out of me. Like wear like a bubble, protective bubbles, talk shit. That'd be fun as fuck. Like bubble boy? Yeah. But just get like my ass kicked by like a hundred people, they're just rolling the ball around. It's kicking and punching the balls, I can't feel anything. Can't hurt me. Are you doing some drugs? Yeah, but what happens is they call you mean names.
00:58:54
Speaker
Polls not gonna protect you from that. That's why I said bite. If I got into the octagon, if they measured my strength out and then gave me the amount of women to fight in the octagon, then gave me eight, first three, fat. Fat. I'm Jim Gillespie, and this is, I can't run for president anymore. There you go. Look at this. He's not gonna run for president anymore, guys. He's gonna do some drugs. Whoa. I wish he would just have a Nature Valley bar instead. No, I feel like the president gets smoke weed. Obama did. Obama did. Clinton did.
00:59:23
Speaker
Not on camera. I just did a Hunter Biden. You just did a Hunter Biden. Now, stick around for when I beat the brakes off of this hooker in my fucking closet. After getting a foot job from her. You have that video still? Make sure you pay for Biden to get a foot job. Unenthusiastic foot job. He's getting like a slave foot job. He doesn't give a fuck about it at all. No, because he's on the fucking crack. Do people smoke crack and fuck for a long time? Or is that meth? It's all of those drugs. You can just fuck forever.
00:59:53
Speaker
Yeah, you'll just never come because you're so fucked up. Well, you can stay like rock hard. Kind of. We just got to beat it like real hard. It's like, it's just like, you're just... What do we get it? Do you want meth? Do you want meth? It's all right, honey, I did meth tonight. Wait, so like meth is the worst. I dated a guy that fucking was doing meth. That's just edging the drug. Were you like fucking like, were you having sex with him?
01:00:19
Speaker
Are you doing math? No, he wasn't doing it like... I wasn't like... You know what I mean? She weren't doing it. She shows up with just a crazy huge bicep. One huge bicep is fucking... Yeah.
01:00:34
Speaker
No, I uh eight hours. He like hit me up one day. He like hit me up one day cuz he was like sober He didn't like drink or anything and he was like he was like, oh like he like hit me up and told me he like relapsed and I was like, oh, it's okay man, like You know like one night of drinking is not gonna derail your life and he was like he was like well He was like no it was math. I jerked off for 19 hours. I was like That's fucking crazy, then I basically explained almost like hey like
01:01:02
Speaker
I have no room in my life for that. I don't like yeah I don't really like math heads. I like can't. I'm not into math. I was like maybe if like I'm like I'm like trying to I'm like maybe if like you know cut it out is there like a method zero you could try. Yeah. I was like what if like you didn't. What if you didn't. What if you that's what it makes you feel like apparently like a lot of a lot of gay dudes love math. Really.
01:01:29
Speaker
Cause it's like butt, it's like butt medicine. It's like butt medicine. That's what studs sound like? That's good, yeah. Where are all these sounds again? Go down to the blue one. It's like, this is when a stud puts on pair of boxers is what they hear. Yeah, that's studs boxers. Yeah. Studded boxers. That's what the stud tells the vagina. You're going to smell like balls today. We're going to the warehouse.
01:01:59
Speaker
What a fat girl dies her hair blue, that's what they hear We really gotta make more good use out of the screen button yeah, yeah, we got we gotta do more voices or TJ's dad got a perm ah
01:02:20
Speaker
That's crazy that your dad is Jewish. It's crazy that we said, can we see a picture of your dad's face and you showed us literally him with Roger face. Do you have any regular pictures of you now? That's the only picture I have of him.
01:02:37
Speaker
After this, after we, after we, after we log off, I'll show you my dad's Facebook. My dad's got some crazy Facebook. Your dad showed me the funniest picture I've ever seen. Hollywood. Read the Hollywood sign? The Hollywood sign, but it's like three, nine buildings. My dad, my dad, my dad takes selfies on Facebook as if he called himself off guard. Like his hands surprised him. He's like, whoa, hey, hey me. Oh.
01:02:58
Speaker
Really just him looking down. It literally looks like what like the bottom of like a fucking like Pringles Kansies I'm gonna start wearing a pinky ring. Is that like something I wore a little bit. I kept on getting rash. Ew I like pinky ring rash. Who are you watching it a ringworm? No
01:03:14
Speaker
No, we're putting in the dishwasher. No, I'm saying like, were you like taking it off? I would take it off the shower and shit and put it on. You got like, I don't know, like, ew. Just keep turning it or something? I got like cheese on it or something. Yeah, you got like a cheese ring. I put like parmesan on my ring. I like submerged in pizza. All right, you boys want to fucking cut it? Let's cut it. Peace out. We love you all. See you next week. See you next week. Please subscribe. Love you. Please subscribe.
01:03:44
Speaker
them.