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EP 14: Sludge Beans
128 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about British Dirty Talk & British Dirty Food, Getting "The Ultimate Snack" at the Movies a.k.a. Pretzel Bites, and The Unsolved Case of The Whole Foods Mystery Sideways Pooper.
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Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
up
Introduction of Hosts
00:00:04
Speaker
We're good. yeah Welcome back to another episode of Close to Hell with your host Jim Gillespie, John Prophet, and me, TJ Lee. And Evans. Don't forget Evans. And Evans, special guest. And Evans. Yeah. And Evans. Episode 14.
Pet Age Speculations and Humor
00:00:20
Speaker
I'm a great cat. I want to get a cat. I got a really good cat. She's a, she's turning 10 soon. Oh my God. She's 10 years old. She's going to be 10. Yeah, that's right. What's that in human years? do You know, I'm not sure 78, 78 sure. Hey Siri, you're going to check. Hey Siri. Cause I know dog years. How old is a cat cats so in human years when they're 10? Damn. No one's a 70.
00:00:45
Speaker
What did I just ask you? I don't even know. You just stop. I want to know how many stop. How old am I once again? How many years is a cat on the earth? Hello. I don't have to be like 21, 21 years old. So Nubbins is a 60 year old woman. No, no, she's okay. No, wait.
00:01:11
Speaker
She's eight, so she's a 51-year-old woman. Aww. Hey-o, mama. She's a little old lady. Hello, old lady, mama. Actually, she's 50, so she's got a lot of life left. She fitty? She fitty. Hi, 50, mommy. She got 10 more years in her. Yeah, I mean, they live to be 20. I think, like, she's in relatively good shape. i Relatively. like Like, I know. Like, I literally know. Like, I know anything at all. but so She's only been fucking huffing your bong hands for 10 years. 10 years, 10 years. She'll be all right. I mean, she's a living, she's a living. Blunt, buns, menage a plus, sex inexpensive cars. She's seen sex? She has seen gay sex. You put her in the other room and you fuck? No, a cat doesn't give a fuck.
Pets in Awkward Situations
00:01:56
Speaker
Oh, I have to. in that My cat's dead. Really? Oh, well, yeah. Cat isn't curious. You have curious, you have extremely curious cats. Nubbins, Nubbins takes or leaves me. Like, she's like, I don't give a fuck. Vowenboogie will literally be, get up on the bed and start licking my thighs. I've had sex and I've had Loki like be like curious what was happening. What's going on? Like I have a, I have a pitbull who could smell it. And he's like, yo! Some fucking dude was like fucking stretching it. Loki's like, am I next? No, no. Oh shit. I'm not fucking next to him. Loki thought a fucking meat truck broke down in the basement. Yeah. He thought a fucking meat truck went down. He thought a fucking steak bin. He Deeds and Watson truck tipped over. Fuck. Lord, if you love me, you flip that motherfucker right now. He just smelled two pairs of hotballs and was like, whoa. Gotta get down there. Holy shit. Yeah. Holy moly. Holy Moses.
00:02:48
Speaker
Yeah, i got I don't like the animals in the other room. you i yeah I don't like the animals in the room. I don't like them in there. You don't like them seeing? Yeah, like I don't want to have to like talk to them later about it. I don't want to like, yeah, I don't want to like be like, because it's funny, it's like, wherever I am in the room, if I look and try to find her, she's already looking at me. Yeah, she's already waiting for you to look at her. Yeah. That's your girlfriend. What happens if you have a pet bird? Do you think birds already know about sex? The birds will just repeat the gross shit you say during it. Make me your whore! Make me your whore! Make me your whore! Not on my tits! Not on my tits! You came right! You came right! Why are you crying?
00:03:29
Speaker
fire
00:03:32
Speaker
cry don't cry
00:03:37
Speaker
do you fucking imagine
00:03:43
Speaker
That's a common thing I hear after sex all the time can we like talk about this like after you give me a towel I'll move out I was nice knowing you yeah, I don't I can't get your I can't get your towel I don't, I don't like it. I'm using all the tabs for my long shower. I'm using, no, she like, like, I mean, but what's the worst thing you've used to wipe up cum? Oh, dude. Like a tongue? Yeah. is A face. A face, maybe. Yeah. ah To clean it up, I've I've scooped it onto my finger and make them ate it. Oh, Jesus. That's the that's probably the most sinister cleanup, I think, is when you or if they it they finger it back into your ass. That's that's when it's like, why back? Well, put it back in and take it to the toilet.
00:04:32
Speaker
Here, you poop this out later. Here, put it here. Here, you're leaking. It's like when you're ho you're put that your you to go on the boardwalk. Here, you take this. Here, you make a mess outside. I'm saying I never gave you none. Swallow is a good time. Swallow is swallows the best way. You don't have to see it. I was telling TJ, he was like, nobody likes cum. I should speak for yourself. Getting swallowed from like a bee. You're like, oh, I don't have to do anything. That's great. Oh, good. Yeah, the best and they keep fucking sucking on it and you get like shaky like Pentecostal leg. Yeah, I get Pentecostal like he's gonna down syndrome brain. Yeah oh so They suck the Holy Spirit out of you comes out of your feet yeah yeah that's eat tongues got what you What is your what's what what's your post sex like DJ like what do you do right after sex post sex nap?
00:05:19
Speaker
Yeah, I like the cuddle. I like the cuddle and like talk a little bit. but Is there a cleanup and then a cuddle? Yeah, I like to be clean like before and after. Yeah, yeah I definitely not good yet. I've been, I've had moments where I get home from work and she wants to get right into it. I'm like, listen, I got like work balls. Yeah. they like that time so Yeah, but not like my work. Yeah, I know. i My workballs have like some weird like and somehow I like make a Jew I got have like broccoli Rob on the side like under my beanbag dude I was at the pie I was at the DMV I had to get my ID and shit like and a new one I was at the i I was at the I was at the thing for like four hours
00:05:59
Speaker
And it's like, later that day I got my dick sucked. I had DMV, like, sweat nods. I had, like, DMV balls, which is, like, their own thing. Their own thing. I can only imagine it tastes like a fucking mall cop.
Odd Eating Habits and Snacking Humor
00:06:14
Speaker
It tastes like sucking a... Yeah, it tastes like a Segway handle. I wear like hot dicky pants at work and then like in the summertime like when it's really cooking down there like oh dude when I get home I'm like on the toilet I'm like oh my god it's not even the shit it's your legs it's like I took Annie Ann's pretzel dough and just fucking crammed it into my thighs it's fucking disgusting she's like I don't i don't mind a man's musk shut up I'm like this ain't a man's musk this is a man's cheese it's a man's mala this is a man's musk
00:06:48
Speaker
This is a man's mustard, and I don't think anyone needs that. It's going to burn your eyes. The man had this one time where I was like, I like made her wait until I took a shower. I took the quickest shower of all time, and then I got out, and she's like, I'm just tasting soap. I was like, that's way better than cheese. That's way better than mustard. Yeah, well, thank God I'm not. Thank God you're only tasting soup. I had fucking kipper snacks in my underpants all day. Yeah, I had sardine balls. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like after, like, my personal clarity, like,
00:07:24
Speaker
like i I want to lay there, but I feel like after I get up and then like, like, like everyone wipes up. I want to lay somewhere else. Let's go out on the couch. That's what we do. Let's go lay on the couch. Let's go watch Dance Moms. Yeah. Me and her will just spread out in like our respected areas on the couch too. It's not like we're going to be like on each other like like. That is that type of like after sex like calling. That's like but Home from the bar drunk fucking after that it's like alright dead not even that me and her both sleep on her stomachs and fart to the ceiling Face the ceiling face our butts to the ceiling we're like bar You guys have a mutual agreement you guys have the Geneva Convention we literally shook hands we like After this we're gonna put our asses to the air you guys literally have the Geneva Convention for smart We're gonna fart hot apps from dinner. Yeah, I feel like sometimes you also need to like let the bed like cool off and Yeah, it's like Jack and Jill where it's like the human sweat theme
00:08:18
Speaker
I always do this thing where the back of my knees sweat real bad. ah Dude, i think there's an awesome price I think there's a busted pipe at the back of my knee, dude. Really? Your leg's tripped too? Yes, because when I do this, it's fat. It's visceral fat leaving your body. It's being fucking disgusting and fat. Literally, because if you swipe that, it's just canola. It's all it is. because i I've thrown it on the pan and did a couple of legs with it. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Fry an egg in that knee sweat. It tastes like bacon. It's ringing your knee out. That's the thing like I uh, I actually one time I brought a fucking like not like a rag But like a like a shirt to like the bed so I could like nonchalantly like rub the back of my legs with it while I was moving around I do that so I can like slyly Jim Jim brings a towel to bed like fun Gucci Mane does a stage show That's why rapper that's the thing well, that's the thing It can't it can't explicitly be a fucking rag or a F or yeah, it's gotta be it's gotta be like a you know a shirt or something It's like all right it's go be my fat Half of sex for me is pretending I'm not exhausted <unk>s like Half of sex for me is pretending. I'm not gassed out. Yeah It's a for certain ones out like like if I'm in missionary like for some reason I do this thing where I feel like it's easier to like like Like like lean on my like fists. Yeah, you were gonna your fist. Yeah, you're like gorilla style yeah, yeah I got like all my fists and then like after a while I'm like oh Oh my god, can i complete like I flip over, please? It's your turn to put me in a headlock. I was ah i was like i was like talking to this guy on Grindr and he was like, he's like i'm trying to he's like ah he's I told him I was like i had a show, wasn't gonna be back till later, he was like, I'll come pick you up. He's like, let's do some shit in my car.
00:10:02
Speaker
And I was like, id also I don't- I've never done car stuff, ever. It's like, boy, if you don't let me lay down and show you this whole penis, like, I need to be laid entirely flat on a griddle to see my whole penis. In order for me to, like, get my dick sucked in a car and, like, have maximum pain. I needed to be a bus. I need to be, like, on my knees, like, on the seat with, like, my hands, like, towards, like, the fucking trunk. Yeah, I need to be- I also need, like, a midget to, like, push my ass forward. I'm like most positions in a car. I'm like pretty much in any yeah mean that's what I'm saying like I like if you don't let me like lay down and get this dick out like Yeah, i got like yeah if you don't like lay it down lay me down and i then my dick comes out Yeah, like for a blow job. I got to lay down. She's got to pull out the clarinet and it's just it's Just to summon the Cobra im to
00:10:52
Speaker
um go Yeah. yeah now Car sex? I had a lot of car sex like at the end of high school, like whereas as I graduated. like That summer I had a lot of car sex, but it was a Jeep. So it was nice. Nice and spacious. Car sex and like a Chrysler PT Cruiser is just insane. It's a horrible car for it. It's like Twister, but it's the sexiest car ever made. It's made for fucking but not inside. It's made for it's made for transport. It's made for taking you to your next. but and so yeah It's made for delivering yourself to a father. Yeah. You had sex in a car. I'm not. I feel like it's so uncomfortable. You got to get in the vaccine. Yeah, I just I'm not like I can't they the steering wheels like like it's already hard enough to drive. as it is yeah
00:11:43
Speaker
I already suck driving now. Do you ever see those Tesla people fucking? Oh, yeah, and Pornhub. This guy is a porno guy. I watch Fake Taxi. i know i' all Fake Taxi is so good. I watch a black girl, like I watch a black girl literally like take him for like like a year but straight. It was like the best video. Is it the British guy? Yeah. Oh, he did. Every once in a while he's like, show me your snatch. She's like, he calls it a snatch. He calls it a snatch. Here you are. Yeah. And he gets it. He's like, Oh, i've got get back man touch that yeah i saw I've got to get back I saw one where he came. He got in the back seat and she said that. I don't know why she said she had the hardest thing ever. She was in like a general, she was like, have a go at it. I was like, Oh, wow. i go I'll have a girl. I'll have a girl blow. Go into my hand. Yeah. I really like British dirt dirty talk for some reason more than. Oh yeah. Tj guys throw me in your walk. Throw me in your little walk. That like they say rubbish. They say a fucking spunk. Yeah. Yeah. He will spunk.
00:12:59
Speaker
I need a spank. I need a fucking spank. I've been misbehaving. I've been such a bad little girl. I need a spank. I need your spank on my bags. Have a wank. Yeah. Have a wank. Have a wank. Yeah. Have a wank onto my big milky bags. I used to watch this porn when I was a kid. It was like one of those ones where like I just for some reason remembered like the title. I remember being like 13 be like little whore fucking Like yeah, it was just like it was just like buff like pirate looking dude fucking this like thick British chicken She was like call me a sloth And I used to be in my head at middle school like call me a sloth Bricked up. Oh dude middle school bricks middle school middle school bricks like yeah ball shorts dude. Basketball shorts dude. Basketball shorts jerk you off by the way if you walk a certain way Yeah, it's the first pocketbook so he's actually better man. Basketball shorts man
00:13:56
Speaker
They're British people, yeah. Like British chicks. Yeah, they're dirty talk rules. They're dirty talk does rules. Have a wank. Have a wank on my bags. Have a wank, yeah. Wank, yeah. Toss your spunk on my fun bags. On my baggies. And a spank. My tits. Fat cock. Yeah, put a fat cock on my fucking bags. That's something about their fucked up teeth. Yeah, more noise.
00:14:28
Speaker
um fucking lobster bags yeah i i don't believe it i was like i' i'll fucking like i i don't have anything for that That's why they lost us the war yeah, that's why we want to get Stop for obligatory to Fox T's not that good I actually kind of want to go to like one of those like tea party things where they have those like sandwiches on those tray those three-tiered trays. What in
Culinary Critiques and Preferences
00:14:54
Speaker
England? In England? Well, they have like tea parties and then they have like these three-tiered triangle trays. I just want to eat the sandwiches.
00:15:03
Speaker
All right, sorry, I want to eat small spice I Just little finger foods. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with like literally? I just want a what's gay about a three-tier tray a little finger Yeah, what's wrong with a big veiny white pipe in my? fucking asian ass It's like I want all the sandwiches, but I don't want a big sandwich, you know, I mean I can't take a big sandwich. I only need a big ones hurt big sand is hurt so just hurt my little sandwich hole um
00:15:42
Speaker
a Oh. You know, like a British tea sandwich is like, come through the sludge beans. Come get sludge beans. British food is horrible, British food is disgusting. So have you ever had jelly knockers? It's like, that? It's like, you never had bean bombs. bean bombs at hot dogs. You never had storm drain salad.
00:16:14
Speaker
Fuck them, dude. They watched. They eat shit like blood sausage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever had bugger, Steve? You ever had bog salad? You ever had bog salad? You don't operate if you're not eating beans, Steve. I'm sorry. I'm not a fan of baked beans and breakfast. I don't mind it. I i would eat baked beans. I don't mind it like a nice. I don't mind doesn't mind Thank God beans, and what is it like? What are they beans and sausage fuck? dude's like yeah socks Tomatoes mushrooms ah black pudding Oh
00:16:56
Speaker
ah po you you'll be a black po day Everything's gross everything's more everything's jelly everything's hot gray much like the sky over there Meanwhile over here. We got like bacon baking yellow eggs have Yellow eggs, please meanwhile over here. It's like you know I have hash browns. Yeah here. We're like. I'll have a hash brown and I can I get way better I get fucking biscuits in gravy. It's winter cuisine. Yeah, that's what winners eat That's what when went well what, well, when you win, when you win a lot, when you can't stop winning. You know, it's really ironic though, sand is her England has a lot of like a Michelin star chefs, but like you little they don't cook English food. yeah they don have They need me they needed some fucking Michelin star dentists over there. Yeah, they do. They need to start working on their fucking teeth, dude. They're all, they all have bad teeth.
00:17:45
Speaker
they love by feel lot earth thing fun days It's so funny how I just assert like me so like I think when I think British I think of like Revolutionary War like redcoats. Okay, or I think of like like little dudes and like fucking like little potato sack pants and hats I think that's twenty twenty four i still think it' like like i think like Little dirty kids in front of a coot I think of I think it's like Ringo Starr with mud on his face i um ah Fuck them, dude, I hate them. Eat fucking barbed jelly and mash. Yeah, yeah, it's disgusting. You don't like what you eating. You don't like the slimy sandwich. You don't like slimy bog and hot beer. You're slimy bog. I mean, I will say they do have like really good baking stuff like that TV show, that Bake Off.
00:18:43
Speaker
See, I've heard people say stuff about that show, and for some reason the name of that show makes me want to fucking kill myself. It's so good. It's such a good show. It's so good. They make stupid shit over there. Do they make like, is it like, is it like a little crumble on top of a cream puff with like a little like... You literally, that's the whole show. Is that what it is? It's a puff on a pastry, on a puff, on a scong, on a shunk. Here I'm like I literally I would sign up for that show and show it was just a fucking regular Carvel ice cream cake and be like, I don't Mark appears like that gravels brilliant It's Paul Hollywood Paul Hollywood is a chocolate asphalt. Yeah, Paul. I'll be like yeah our parking lots are made out of that and In winning town in where we win where we win a lot our parking lots are made out of fucking Carvel asphalt The jelly fish
00:19:34
Speaker
you you love that It tastes like anal. Yeah it does. It tastes like smelling anal two days later. Two day old anal. Yeah. Anal dick. What is a food that you've never had? What is something that you want to have? Food that I've never had. If you go to a country and young people say Italy. Where would I go for food? Yeah, I'll probably go back to Korea because I always wanted to like go like check out the street food there Yeah, it's my fucking banging. They also have like a really good like nightlife like they have things called like pochas where it's like ah After the bar you go to like this place and eat like bar food like street food I thought even those like that mall for like kid hookers i' seen they better after you after you get a couple dresss You go down to the don't don yeah get They get a couple fucking little kids to take them fuck fuck hash browns. Give me the kids yeah It's like a it's like a place that you just like go out to like drink after drinking and then you eat food there Yeah, like fish cakes. Yeah fish cakes. Yeah, fish cakes. It sounds good fishcas fish cakes Oh fish cake soup, right? Isn't that a thing your mom makes?
00:20:49
Speaker
Fish cakes, soup, fucking rice cakes. Fucking Korean dad with a perm, dude. Yeah, Korean dad and they tell you. yeah He's got a perm. Rarry David. Rarry David. I don't think I've even had it. I've had Korean barbecue, but that doesn't count. I had that at fucking PJ Wellands. Yeah, Korean barbecue, I had a freaking PJ Wellands. Yeah, Nicole fucking made it that way. I ate that. I ate barbecue, but Nikki and Nicole made it. Nikki and Nicole served it, and the Fills were on 20 different screens. Yeah. I watch Bryce on every screen. oh I like Korea. Oh, I like that. Oh, my God. I didn't realize he was so fucking good. I didn't realize. Oh, that shit's really fucking good. We should've stopped hitting him with a fucking bomb. Yeah. We should've stopped. Are we doing anything, Dan?
00:21:35
Speaker
ah Yeah, I don't even know yeah i even Fucking now you're fucking now. I know is it's just real fucking gone. It's really fucking gone Yeah, I mean it's kind of cool how like food is like a thing that can kind of like stop beef from like two different countries You know I mean I guess. I mean, but at the same time. No, it doesn't. Yeah, it does. What was a good Nazi food? now with do yeah what what What would the Nazis pull themselves out of that bad rep for? Paparoni. They gave us hamburgers. Yeah, they did make hamburgers. yeah They made they made and then we made it better by adding cheese to it. We made it better by not fucking slaughtering Jews while we're eating it. too
00:22:12
Speaker
it made a burger they met the juburg i were Like Texas ready you mush it up little pieces then you make it into bur actually you know he did oh yeah yeah yeah I was thinking of like ah like Ukrainian or like Russian food because I never really tried. you What is Ukrainian food? both on those plates i'm assuming it's like kind of like i imagine I imagine it's like cold soup. It's like yeah, it's like it's like it's like cold noodles dip Like served in like warm like hairy guy bath water. Yeah, it's like angry fish. It's like what is this? angry radioactive fish head. We're really good at generalizing a country based off of one thing. Yeah, we don't know anything. Like Ukraine was that bunch of bald, naked guys sucking dick through a hole. It's like, what? Yes, that's what the Czech Republic is. That's the Czech Republic, yeah. The Czech Republic. The Czech bathhouse porn. It's the same guys in the gay and the straight videos, by the way. it's it's I think it's the darkest shit I watch. The Czech bathhouse where it's like a bunch of... Yeah. yeah it's the If you watch the gay Czech bathhouse, it's the same dudes. It's the same guys. Well, he's making... but Are they in through the wall?
00:23:11
Speaker
Yes. Well it's the same guys. And then like if you like. I did a little deep dive. I went to the Czech Republic. I went to the Czech Republic to suck it for myself. So basically, it's like same crop of dudes come in and just fuck whatever's around, which is heroic on their end. They don't need a parade either. I like when the chicken in the window is sucking a dick too. Oh yeah, it's so busy. She's like, all hands on deck. All hands on deck. Yeah, the best one is the ladder. I think when your manager at Starbucks would they come out and be like, all right, I guess I'll make drinks and start cracking. That's the equivalent of the Starbucks hopping on cold bar. Yeah. Oh, I'll help you out. But you're getting on cold bar. Oh my God. Put somebody on cold bars. Like, Hey, what's up? Welcome to being dead. Yeah, but it's so funny cause it's the easiest job on the planet. All you're doing is making milkshakes for fat white women Yeah, the hardest part about that job is how impatient they are. Yeah, you're like hold on little piggies and how angry their eyes look You have to go out there and scratch behind the rear where they can't I got a caramel ribbon crunch I got a caramel ribbon crunch for a school of whales they're like
00:24:30
Speaker
Is that mine? No, even if it is. No, get your fucking moose paws off it. That's supposed to have it. Does it look like yours? I love getting yelled at by a 50-year-old, like, disgustingly fat woman over chocolate curls. Yeah. There's supposed to be chocolate curls on that, but we're out of them. Where are the curls? Where are they? I was like, I ate them. I put them on my bagel, you pig. Yeah, I put them on my hot dog earlier. And when you lit a bagel on fire. Yeah. You put sobrasada on it. You're like, fine, it's 8 a.m. You're like, fine, it's 8 a.m. They had a sobrasada and pepper jack cheese plate in like the cold section. yeah It was like a little grab and go food or whatever. I took sobrasada and the cheese I put on a plain bagel. I put it in the oven. I was going to toast a bagel with some fucking meat on it. yeah i but I usually put it in there for like 30 seconds. I put it in there for a minute because I really wanted to get a fucking good crust on there. is chris And I opened the thing. It was full black smoke. I couldn't even see it, so I just shut it and clocked out.
00:25:29
Speaker
ah Clock the fuck out. I don't know. I don't know what other people did that. Probably a woman who looks like him, probably another lesbian in here. This has to be a fucking night job. Night job, yeah. It's crazy how like a little bit of time can like burn something so fast in like a toaster or an oven. A microwave especially. Yeah. I like like this fucking ah dude I work with put his styrofoam cup in the microwave and ready to eat his coffee up. Oh my God. And literally like had like it was like lava in there. He's like, what the fuck?
00:26:02
Speaker
Dammit, you're like you're a fucking asshole knew that was gonna happen him boomer. Oh Yeah, they do shit that they know is not they're like, oh course the fuck it's like you did that you did that stupid Oh my god, they're never they're never stupid is that's their thing. they yeah They're the biggest idiots in the fucking plan They're like nah, nah, it's cuz of the fucking it's like no. No, it's big. Listen, it's always someone else's cuz you don't fucking ever read anything ever the most entitled generation ever They're the most entitled people I've ever met my entire life They're saying the same thing about us. We're not, though. We get along better with their parents than they do. That's true. That's because our grandparents, like they know they they know their kids are fucked. Yeah, they know their kids fucked up. They know their kids are fucked. ah like like our boommor are like like old people are i don't I feel like old people are just so much nicer. I feel like old people are like more like accepting than like boomers. like Old people at Starbucks weren't bad.
00:27:00
Speaker
isn't boom i mean like old People Starbucks were like weren't like bad Pete like boomers were like the ones with the hand on the hip in the probably never asked worse people at Starbucks definitely the blacks Babies after World War two right like my our parents age 50s 60s right now, okay, so like Vietnam like Cold War yeah, they were like te teenagers in the 70s, okay 60s But they're the fucking worst They defied their parents first and they're angry at us because we're we're brats, but they're really brats. They're like the first brats. They don't know anything. They know nothing. they They're in such a pampered part of like think it's American history. i think I blame it on rock and roll. but that's what i mean drugs they're jealous They're jealous of the ease of information we have.
00:27:44
Speaker
They're jealous of the access. My dad goes, if I had a phone like that, I'd never even leave the house. I'd be reading all day. yeah You're like, I know. we None of us do. We all do. I actually watch people fuck a lot on here, too. Look. Yeah, dad. Check that out. That's my playboy. That's the thing. Any dude, any old guy, one of the first things they'll ever talk about and then in an argument with us is, yeah, well, you guys get all the fucking porn and the fucking bye bye bye. I had the fucking. I had to walk into the jungle and fucking fight off the Viet Cong to get a look at a fucking pair of tits and I was happy. Yeah, no, you're not. you're you You're so fucking angry. You're so angry. You have no lid on that fucking McCafe. You're so you're so angry. know You're a liveless black coffee. You're fucking giving me shit. You're such an angry white dude that you actually ate your lips off. Yeah.
00:28:35
Speaker
Like I work with like, I work with like, like people, like I have like truck drivers and shit. They're like coming to my work that are like, like they, they, they're all, they only got five more years till they have to retire. They always do. For 10 years, for 10 years, five years. Listen, five years. I'm going to fucking probably die. I'm like, do you have a script? Do you have a script? You're all the same person. They all have the same script. My dad has the same fucking script on the same person. I talked to my dad for more than 10 minutes. It goes, yeah, a couple more years. I'll be, it's like, is that all you guys think about? I, I don't get a thing from the boomers. I've heard it three times from separate boomers when I first got my tattoo I had like the bandage on over there we go. What's that new ink now? Oh, yeah, I just got a tattoo last week to go
00:29:16
Speaker
That's pretty cool. I don't got no tattoos. i You know what? Girls always gave me, you know, girls always told me, good for you for not having any tattoos. I'm like, yeah, girls always, he' yeah youre where yeah. What girls and how old are they? How big was she? How big? They're always so big. Yeah. Ain't nothing wrong with that. My girlfriend, Prius. Yeah, my girlfriend, yeah. My girlfriend, Honda Odyssey. Yeah, hatchback. Hatchback, hatchback you. Yeah. Nah, there ain't nothing wrong with like the the the super giants. Nothing wrong with them. Listen, I'm batting in the same fucking wheelhouse. Same, dude. I'm a fat girl. I'm a fat girl. I'm a fat girl right now. Listen, I was just telling you guys about the big Cheez-It to talk about. If I was the most excited I've had been all day talking about it. I was like, you guys did the big Cheez-It? I was like, I need to really shut up sometimes. I really need to stop saying that with so much Cheez-It. Big Cheez-It. That's a big Cheez-It. That's a big Cheez-It. Well, not only did they invent a big Cheez-It.
00:30:15
Speaker
They took the bitches and they pulled the side taco. They put taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' on it. They pulled taco fixin' cheese on it. They pulled Honestly, if I was working on Taco Bell, I taco fixin' would have my boys come up to the window and I would literally put a cake like a on it. big do you think they come in a big sleeve like salty? Yeah, like this big. I hope so. Like over the shoulder. Fuck. I hope so. I'm on that one. There's a pile of my sleeve of Jesus. We're planning a heist on Taco Bell tonight. TJ to manipulate a black chick in the window.
00:31:00
Speaker
What's up, baby? How you doing, baby? What you guys want to do, bro? What's your name? You got any Baja bags? Yeah. I'll hook you up with a pen and a Jason mask. You ever had Baja back shots? You want to hang out with Baja big bag? Yeah. big bag we should we should grab a fucking big cheese it though this week before they go out of style limited edition let's go let's go right now we' limited yeah everyone fucked this podcast we're gonna get the big cheese it it's gonna be around for like another day it's gonna be around for another fortnight that's gone yeah
00:31:37
Speaker
I'm ready for it. I'm ready for a big cheese. I love cheeses. I think that was the first thought in my mind when I was eating cheeses was, wow, I wish these were as big as my fucking head. If only these were as big as my fucking head. Honestly, like if they made it like a giant cracker, I feel like this would be pretty good. Yeah. When I was a kid, when I was a kid, I used to watch. I think it's really good because like a Cheez-It is tough. I mean, a Cheez-It humbles your gums a little bit. A Cheez-It can handle having taco meat dumped on it. Baby girl gets a vicious heartburn from the From it. She gets vicious heartburn. I get egg burps if I eat cheeses and drink root beer, so I try I try I try to make sure they're not on the same cycle. I try to keep Matt Yeah, get them yeah, but I found that you get it from two different stores and all that fine they don't know If they don't know about each other or yeah, you gotta you gotta try to keep beta fish apart I mean Jesus I gotta go to the bathroom to drink the root beer
00:32:31
Speaker
i ah I don't drink fruit beer in front of my Cheez-Its. When I was a kid, I used to watch i to watch Cops in law and order and shit. and i yeah i would eat a whole I would eat a whole bag of extra toasty Cheez-Its to the point where my mouth was so fucking dry. And then I would just hit a fucking teak. Let that Colorado River run. That's one of Jay Gray's best lines. It is. Busted up the dryness. Let that Colorado River run. You basically want to turn your mouth into like Eagle Road in January.
00:33:07
Speaker
You want to turn into the fucking Eagle Road. But like, yeah, Cheez-its and Teagolder is the fucking like, that's how I got to where I am. It's exactly, but that's the culprit. It definitely wasn't steak and pork jobs. Cheese isn't as equal. I'm trying to dye it right now, but um my whole thing is like when I'm sitting and watching TV, I don't know how to like not stuff my fucking face. Ah, cause eating and TV are like the same thing. Yeah, it's like fucking incoming. It's like yeah like fucking incoming. It's like I'm gonna have to learn how to fuck without coming. i i don't think I don't think I've ever watched something without eating something. I don't think I've ever watched something without eating a poor job.
00:33:51
Speaker
You gotta watch something like boring because apparently like uh, he's gonna make me even more hungry. I'm gonna cook I'll hold a hot dog over a candle on my coffee table You're like you're you're heating up each bite To cook the whole thing I remember watching or seeing this like a study of like I guess like people going to the movies and they gave them like snacks to eat and then during like a blockbuster movie they ate more food comparative to like something like a documentary. Oh if I like the movie I literally will like I'll eat I like realized I'm like my arm went through the fucking bucket and I'm eating the popcorn off the ground. I thought you were going to say you were eating the fucking stuffing in the chair.
00:34:42
Speaker
yeah Any dude, anything goes well. I'll eat silly dude. I would eat a piece of shit as long as I have one of those fucking like 92 ounce fucking AMC cokes dude. Oh dude, the AMC cokes. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Precisely 360 ounces. They're precisely 300 million calories. I love how they gave you like a bucket, too. It's like they don't even hide it. Now they, now they get you to like, now they get you to like, now they get you. Here's how they get you in the Gestapo. They ate a fucking constable. How do they get you out, Jimbo? They let you fill up your own bucket. Yeah, I know. The world is your big fat oyster. It's like now you get to pick what you're putting in there, you know what I mean? You can put a handful of cake in there if you want. I'm like root beer, fake butter, high C. I can't believe it's not root beer. I'm like butter dump, butter dump, I see root beer. Coke, barbecue sauce, boom. You've killed myself. Boom, boom, boom. That's boom beach, dude. That is boom beach, dude. You got full boom beach. What's really funny about that too is there's no other way to watch Kong skull island.
00:35:57
Speaker
cy watch that What am I gonna do snap baby carrots I'm not literally that's gayer than a gaping cum covered ass
00:36:07
Speaker
Yeah, there is something about like movie snacks like but fucking pretzels bites. Oh have to get our so I'll meet him have a whole theory about that Yeah, what's the theory is everybody? I went to the movie in air for getting there I went to the movie theater with TJ and he brought pretzel bites, and I was like okay fucking all right TJ Bezos all right doctor all right doctor teach a doctor constant fucking it was TJ fucking admiral yeah No, every time I go I have to get those and if they are out and if they don't have the cheese sauce I'm just like, I don't even watch the movie. I'm not even going to watch the movie. Yeah, I don't even watch the movie. Pretzel bites? Yeah, I love pretzel bites. I have never had the audacity to order anything but popcorn. My one uncle would take me to go see like science fiction shit. Like he always took me to go see movie Knowing, like District 9, Avatar. And he would grab us, eat your fucking rack of pretzel nugs and I was like, this is money.
00:36:57
Speaker
Okay, i money can i one here's my fucking adoption papers guy does pretzel nugs on a weekday Yeah, well they cost less on a weekday. Do you know that? Yeah? really now they don't no i got it he just went round over great just Excuse me My go-to my go-to movie snack is like popcorn I always say I don't want popcorn and then and then baby girl gets popcorn I'm like, I'll I end up eating the whole I eat her wrist. I'll eat her she like goes for it. I'm like slapping her like stop
00:37:37
Speaker
But I like milk duds. I like M&Ms. I like whatever's the loudest. He plays fucking Skittle Moroccas, dude. He plays fucking Skittle Moroccas. I had a bag of peanut M&Ms. I'm like, what are you looking at? You're going to get them anyway. What are you looking for? I want the dust up top. He's literally shaking them. He's trying to filter them out. I'm like, you're going to... Every single one of those is going to get eaten. It's fine. You know what I do? I learned how to do this thing because I went with my brother. We saw Batman. This is Batman Begins, the first Christian Bale one, O5. I had M&Ms, and they came in a box, but they were also in a bag within the box. So I opened the bag and dumped them into the box, and I was fucking shaking them. And I did it, and my brother literally pinched my fucking jugular. He was like, stop.
00:38:29
Speaker
So from that point on I'll just put them in my mouth, I'll let them melt. I let the candy code like break down and then I just bite it and it's like all crackly. It's like long-lasting. I did that fucking during a quiet place and I thought I was being rude and this fucking lady next to me was eating kettle cooked crab chips. Kettle cooked. She's brought a kettle from home. For the first time in my life of urban confrontation I just looked at her and was like, are you done? She was like, julie had the chip like she' like
00:39:00
Speaker
i she's eating go this she's a making my down too yeah yeah I mean I don't mind like loud eaters in the movie theater. I hate like I can't stand it. Oh, yeah, yeah all people that talk yeah fuck you dude just like why I don't go to Tyler Perry movie, so I don't know that's like If I go I went to the movies with Mike Rainey, we went and saw a fucking airplane. They were showing airplane at the Bryn Mawr. That's good And like and this lady kept like talking. So like like we were like just like cracking up and then like ah we're watching like the previews of the movies and like every single fucking one it was ah we're going to that. We're seeing that. my Yeah. So i started I started doing it like loudly like like to him like like so she could hear it. I'm like we got we're going we're going get the kids. Yeah. We're going we're coming to see Jaws at the at the Bryn Mawr. I would love to see I mean I'd probably also say the same thing if I saw a trailer for Jaws again i'd be like where ah yeah where guywin that It was every movie it was every fucking oh we gotta come I saw a movie with Jake oh Yeah, me and Jake went to Bryn Mawr Film Institute and watched Isle of Dogs i I took my dad to the same theater to see that and we both were like Wes Anderson movie you this that movie fucking sucked
00:40:19
Speaker
you know like i like It was a two and a half hour claymation dog movie that I literally like I realized that day I how bad I had ADHD Because I wanted to fucking jump out of my skin. I was so uncomfortable me and Jake sat in the front row and I'm so used to like sitting like all movie theater is now like regal like I only go to regal.
Theater Experience and Comforts
00:40:39
Speaker
That wasn't your idea. Did you fucking row? i I wasn't like yo front row. I'll dogs that doesn't recline I It's like basically saying it's like yo barbed wire bat getting robbed fire. yeah Yeah. Yeah. I love when people like suggest something fun but like it's not on your terms. So like the worst you have to like kind of like do what they want. Yeah. Sitting up front at a movie is literally not ideal. I like the very back. Yeah.
00:41:11
Speaker
Right in the middle in the back. That's the best cedar. That's why I like going to regal at 1030 at night. I like going to regal at 1030. No one's there. Anywhere in the, like midway all the way up in the middle. I like the middle too. Midway's fine. Midway's fine. I like the midway where there's the walking gap with the railing. ah Oh, yeah, so you can put your feet all the way out on the railing past you without you having to be like I'll hold on Hold on. Let me put my dogs away The recliners have invited a lot of barefoot activity in the fucking theater disgusting Fucking feet away. It's too much. Put them away. Put them away cover them up if you let i'll come Yeah, I'm gonna start you let those dogs out there in the movie. I should be allowed to suck on them Dogs
00:41:57
Speaker
I know it's not a lot of people. I remember as a kid. I think it would too. I think bareback their doggies. Barebacking dolls. Bareto? Bareto? That's so funny. i went to the one time I went to the movie theater one time. ah was Regal was the first time I went to a a theater that had the recliner. yeah It was the new star. first tag i The first Star Wars movie. I busted so hard when I fucking reclined for the first time. sleep I fell asleep. So did I. oh that I saw the first new starbucks starbucks the first new Star Wars movie. Hello. And it was literally like it literally said like in a long like a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and I was like,
00:42:38
Speaker
I'd been like I'd been up since like 6 a.m. It was like hot as fuck and then I got in that theater and I had a breezy IV of coke Pepsi IV Actually is the best nap I ever took I was like this is a nap you ever take like a nap that and you like wake up and you're like Oh, that's why people take them I took a nap like a week ago that I was like high also. That's your specialty. You're like the nap king. I do like a nice nap. He plans him. Look how happy he is right now. He's just fucking smiling all the time. He naps a lot. See his porn dreams. That's why. His sexy dreams. He's like, ugh. He actually goes, ugh. Yeah, no. The T.J. definitely comes like a kabuki warrior. He's like, ugh. A complication. He's like, ugh.
00:43:27
Speaker
Are you ever stretched out across the couch with the air conditioning on? Oh oh yeah. No, the best is in a hotel room with no clothes on with an air conditioner that's on the floor blowing onto your naked ass. oh yeah you know You might never wake up. you know those like like Sometimes people die in their sleep. That's one of the things. That's what I feel like like fentanyl feels like. And I know I love every second of it. Ice cold air on your damp cheeks. Sorry. Wait, hold on. Just check. Sorry. The best feeling in the world is when you're like on vacation. You come back from the beach a little bit sunburnt.
00:44:04
Speaker
You take a hot shower and now your skin's all tight. Oh, yeah, you put some fucking aloe on and you lay across like white sheets nude air conditioning air conditioning This one motel we used to stay I had the air conditioning above the bed ah hold no And it would literally just like it would just sprinkle you with AC. Oh my god. I would just lay there and fucking die That's like so that's a nap from like that's a nap from 5 p.m. To like 9 30 I want to go to like one of those like you know the how they they test like the aerodynamics of its car I want to go in one of those just full new I Feel like my dog would just lay back I have such a good dong in perfect temperature such a regularly good dog No, like you know, it's a you know, it's a super awesome feeling fucking Dude
00:44:59
Speaker
oh my god yeah arrowong damage yeah dude You know, it's also a super sick feeling, fucking getting booked to fucking open for a headliner.
Tour Invitations and Excitement
00:45:12
Speaker
Tell us about that. Tell us about that. Tell us about that. So basically, Casey Rocket hit us up and he was like, hey, I got you guys down for all my East Coast dates if that's cool. And I was like, I should have bricked. Hell yeah. and he' Are you gonna be on like on the road with him or are you gonna meet him there? I guess we're just gonna meet him everywhere because... It's all within like two hours of each other. Yeah, it's all East Coast shit, so it's like... That's fucking sick. How much time are we you doing? and I'm hosting them all, so I'll probably do like 10, 12, 15 at max. It's fucking awesome. Each show, but it's all gonna be packed, like Philly's already sold out. Yeah. Buffalo's already sold out, like four shows. I'm gonna have like... Buffalo? I'm gonna have all these, yeah, Helium Buffalo. I'm gonna be there for the first time. Awesome.
00:45:51
Speaker
So it's like super exciting and then like a stress factory in Jersey stress factories owned by Vinnie. Yeah I hear hear about Vinnie. Yeah, I was here with a whenever they refer to stress factory. They're talking about the owner Vinnie Jersey, right? No Jersey. Yeah, ask freakin italian dude that's fucking italian as has dad as for And growing up Italian Suck a dick Grown-up Italian? I feel like they're kinda cool. I don't know. Who are they? I like Mario. Who's grown-up Italian? It's that little fuckin' like half midget, half man. Mario! Oh, fuck that thing, dude. Mario! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say, I'm like, Mario! Mario! It's actually Mario! I saw the show. He's like, no, it's actually Scamooch! It is Scamooch. It's not. Italian people are like, I don't even know what that word is. It's fucking Scamooch. It's Scamooch. No, that's fuckin' New York, New Jersey Italians. Scamooch. Yeah, that's the shit I grew up listening to. Like, Mootzadel. Nah, see, yeah.
00:46:44
Speaker
Mozzarella. It's fucking mozzarella. Everything else, like, reguat and fucking schemutz. All that shit, it's like, I don't fucking... i It always annoyed me to, like, listen to my family talk that way. It always, like, even as a little kid, I was like, I fucking hate the way you say everything. Because I feel like it's not, like, an Italian. I feel like it's more like an Italian American accent. It's a fucking regionally fucking trashy. I know it's regionally trashy, and I could tell as a kid that I was like, that ain't right. I saw this girl on TikTok, this girl from the Middle East, she was like making fun of the like like the Italian like slang here.
00:47:18
Speaker
And she was like, they were like mozzarella. She was like, we don't say mozzarella, we say mozzarella. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. Yeah, now you speak Italian? Yeah, of course you did. You fucking read that. They're like, fucking mozzarella. Every year we're like, fucking mozzarella. And fuck and it nice fucking. next time. And fucking. And fucking gnocchi. And fucking barbing. And we fucking like, yeah, ping pong. By the time Mozzarella gets back to me, it's called a fucking cheese stick. Yeah, that's fucking string. You know, it's string cheese. Oh, yeah. Now that it's string cheese, string cheese, ah string cheese, string cheese. They're like, yeah, but you got to like shut up. I'm like, well, have you ever had like not Italian people at all Italian food, though?
00:48:01
Speaker
Yeah. Like Chef Boyardee. Yes. Oh, my God. like mar Like a mockery of Italian, like sweet. Like Ohio Italian. Every time I have a non-Italian. Midwest Italians. Elios, is that considered one of the... No, that's just... That's Americano. That's Americano. Italian Italian. Yeah, that's like literally a banjo. Italian boss. I've been fucking with that. I've been fucking with that. It's American. as a um
00:48:28
Speaker
Every time I've had non Italian Italian food, it's always bitch and sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Everything from a pizza sauce to pasta sauce to anything like sweet. That might be kind of the reason why I like it, though. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm a sugar addict through and through like American style. There's a place down the shore called Carini. They do like they do like Italian seafood and their marinara sauce is like not sugary, but rich. oh Really rich. I think Italian it's all about savory and deep like like red It's all savory and like if not it's like it's like natural like they will be like this is tomato Garlic and basil and onion and then this is onion basil tomato garlic sugar sugar meat Yeah, it's like that's all that's just all red sauce Italian like breakfast. Yeah
00:49:19
Speaker
It is young as fuck, but it's like Italian food Italian food is delicious. That's why they're all fucking disgusting Do you think that's the best cuisine in the world? I think it's close. I think Italian and I think and I think Japanese Both have like a fucking like a tie. Yeah Japanese. I mean they got sushi now but Like some of their other shoes like fucking awesome. to I think I feel like Japanese food is almost like it's own It's almost like not a type, but like it's almost like an industrial like they like focus on like one thing and they try to like Perfect master it. Yeah, master it's like like like with just an American thing right sushi's an American thing just the rolls not not like the Sashimi and stuff like that. Yeah Like sushi rolls an American thing. Yeah, I love sushi. Yeah to like make me balls
00:50:07
Speaker
i'm talking about yeah We were talking about this yeah so who you talking about this earlier. The most Italian thing TJ eats is a meatballs from Wawa. I love the meatballs from Wawa. Classico. I quit working at Wawa because I got yelled at by a crackhead while she was holding a bag of boiled meatballs at Wawa. I was like, this is it for me here. i like this is this is the yeah this is the end i see She starts using it like a mason chain. She was we took a break at the same time because we both came in at 6 a.m. I go out to the parking lot and I would hit my vape pen right and I would sit there and I would judge her for getting in her beater and smoking crack. Oh my gosh. I would judge her. I mean, I'm getting high, but I'm like, she's getting higher. She's getting higher than me. She's getting higher than me. She's going harder than I am. Nah, but like she's getting higher. Yeah, she's actually real fucking high. My thing is cool. Like my thing, like everyone thinks it's cool and trendy and like kids do it. Like crack. Crack is like, that's like what aunties do. Honestly, like the fact that she showed up to work is kind of crazy. What else was she going to do? She didn't do, you know what I mean? Was she going to stay at home and do crack?
00:51:14
Speaker
No, you can't. If she stayed home, then her boyfriend's going to take her car and disappear. She's got to be up at 5 a.m. to get in the car and out the door before he wakes up from his pill nap. I forgot about that. Oh, pill nap's like two weeks. She's got to wait two weeks to leave the house. Pill nap's like two weeks. I need a pill nap dude. I need like a fucking like I need to take like an Ambien dude. Yeah is this You should fight you should fight off an Ambien and let me know how you feel after that Apparently you fucking hallucinate Really? Yeah, it's like more than hallucinating is you I feel like I'll just take an Ambien and then I'm just gonna lay back and Dracula's gonna like wrap me in this game For like four hours I'm like
00:51:58
Speaker
I'm gonna wake up upside down. bat I had a weird dream last night that I was tied up and like nothing like like there was no explanation. like No one was there, it was just me and I was tied up and couldn't move. Fuck. Oh shit. I remember when Ambien came out, my mom got her hands on one. Dude, when Delaudid came out, my mom somehow had it. She got an ad for it in the mail and was like, well, I got this now. I'm like, for what? For them in pills, it was like when the new Cheez-It drops. They were like, I got one. Yeah, they were like, you can get it on your phone. You can get it on your phone. My mom took an Ambien and she was like falling asleep, sitting up. And I was like, mom, are you all right? And she was like,
00:52:37
Speaker
I took an Ambien. I'm like, oh my god. Are you okay? She goes, I'm beyond. And then just slept for like 18 fucking days. I'm beyond. She's like, I'm beyond. I thought she was about to be like, I'm beyond. This is actually pretty banging. I'm beyond. I'm beyond. Yeah. I'm beyond this from now on, to be honest. Well, they gave it to a lot. Everyone can get ambient back then. Everyone can get it. No, I remember commercials for it and shit. They were like, come get it. Yeah, my aunts were like, come get it. Yeah, they got it. It'd be so funny if my aunts was in the corner with like huge t-shirts selling fucking ambient.
00:53:12
Speaker
Like, I swear to God, like, women that raised us, they would go into the fucking doctor's office with a list of the things they give the pill out for and be like, yeah, I got, like, pretty much all these. And they'd be like, all right, here you go. That's how it was for everybody, though. It still is. I mean, honestly. Do you think Osempic is, like, the modern day? Yeah. Yes. Ambien. Modern day. Ambien? I'm trying to get
Modern Health Trends and Humor
00:53:30
Speaker
on it. Yeah. I want to get on it. No, because at least ambient people would sleep with Ozempic. People just want to fucking talk about being on. It's like, it's actually being like vegan. like it It's like, hey, Ozempic is now veganism. Have you met people? Yes. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. People that are, oh my God. Dude, TJ, I meet more people. Like, i I meet so many fucking people like every single fucking week. Well, you go parking, that's why. Well, no, no, I just, and between shows and everything, it's like, I meet so many fucking people, it's like,
00:54:01
Speaker
People talking about I do jokes about is epic and so like ah people come on be like oh my god like I've lost like 50 pounds I'm like you're already thin and yeah like there's people like You're doing it because you want to like it like god I heard that it was paralyzing people's intestines It's also it's also like decreasing people bone density How they're getting lighter they're taking away their bones Good I hope it eats all their marrow and they die here's the thing though like here's the thing though like you to look delicious It's really not that bad about a bad go. I already fucking smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink like seven sodas a day I think I was that bigs be fine. Oh, that might be the best thing I put my body how that thatic it Doesn't help
00:54:43
Speaker
Best worst thing my uncle's on his epic. My uncle went from looking like Chris Farley to Gerard Butler No, we did not know he did not at all. He lost like 40 pounds. I'm still I'm telling him that though Well, you look like Gerard look incredible. I mean you literally look like Gerard Butler. I know You lost a bunch of weight, the natural way. Brutal sadness. Brutal sadness, but I gained it right back. Yeah, because you guys... I know the way you two eat. Everything's delicious when you're in love. Yeah, I know what you do. Everything's so good when you're in love. Yeah, you trying to fill... Everything's delicious. When you're in love, you're trying to fill her plate. I literally... She had to talk me out of talking her into getting fluff tonight, grocery stores. I was like, you should get some fluff. She's like, for what? I was like, how do I know?
00:55:28
Speaker
The shower? Just refuse shower fluff. We need shower fluff. We need shower fluff. Obviously, we need shower fluff. I do need shower fluff. Shower fluff. Shower fluff. Now, shower beers are okay. Shower beers are okay, but as soon as you get shower fluff, everyone looks at you weird. Everyone looks at you weird like you're the town werewolf. ah How does everyone know about my shower beers? Scrappling the shower. Who's done it? Who's doing it? I've had Scrapple wet from a shower in a towel. I kind of want to do it. That counts. I've walked out and reached over. That counts. In a towel. In the person cooking the bacon. Scrapple towel. At Delco Day, I was just giving that lady $3 each time and just getting four pieces of it. Oh, my. Just give it over. Scrapple. I was like, just give me half of that.
00:56:12
Speaker
Like cut that loaf in half and just make that mine. Fuck. I love diner scrapple. I think it's the premier scrapple. It is. It's premier because it gets deep fried and it's thick and it's mush and it's crisp. Everything the scrapple embodies. Jim pointed out a sign like that ah for a scrapple waffle that we were talking about the day before. yeah I wanted to try one and I was so upset that he didn't have it. He just had the sign for it. I told you he was just teasing. Yeah, it was fucking blue balling me with that. Dude, that fucking guy was... I don't think it makes sense. They want you to... They want you to press it down onto the fucking waffle iron. You know what happens? You get a bunch of little scrapple in the fucking waffle holes. I don't know, I gotta dig them out? My dad knows an alcoholic from the bar that eats the scrapple straight up raw. He eats it straight up raw. Can you? It's already cooked.
00:57:07
Speaker
I was thinking more Libya. I mean, I think you could eat anything raw, technically. I don't think it's raw. I think scrapple's cooked. That's why it's gray. Scrapple's already cooked. It's like smoked. Yeah, it's like gray. That's why it's gray. It's like bacon. You can eat bacon at a pack. Bacon's already smoked. ah No, but I want that crisp. I don't want that. like Yeah, I want bacon. I like, I will say, I like red when it comes to bacon. I like red juicy. Really? Yeah, I don't fucking cook it that long. I let it get red and juicy. like nice party guy let it get it black and stinky I can smokey between I like a nice like yeah I got happy medium yeah I like oven bacon over making this nice I don't fuck with that at all I like a cast iron skillet bacon I like oven bacon and then I cook the bacon in the egg grease like a man yeah the other way around but yeah I get you
00:57:58
Speaker
as I cook the egg and the bacon grease. No, you said the bacon and the egg grease. I cook bacon and the egg grease. And the egg grease? That's some shit I said on acid. I'ma be in the bed from cooking the bacon and the egg grease. That's some acid shit, dude. Who let they fuck the egg grease in the pan? Yo, I'm trying to cook fucking bacon. Everybody leaving the egg grease around. Yo, I found a fucking... I was cleaning my kitchen, and there's a candle, like a glass candle with a lid on it. And I go to move it to wipe. Yeah, I go to move it to fucking wipe on earth full of bacon grease. Oh my god. And it literally splashed up my arm. And then my cats came in, they're like, meow, meow, meow. They're like fucking your arm. My cat was like, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. I spill bacon grease on my arm. Meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow.
00:58:48
Speaker
but man but man it's so funny that I knew it was the exact sound like like you had it like it's like mo but now into your brain anything but an education now anything funny education oh my god I just unlocked this insane memory so I told ah you you know that I used to like hide so I didn't have to go to school right so they would think I left no I think i' definitely you hide i that time i've I've definitely told you about like how I would like i would like make them think I left for school and I would hide when i wait from them i would hunt on any anywhere. anywhere i wanted to i was I just had this memory. oh i don't know why I don't know why I just thought of it now, but I remember this one time. My brother got a new bed frame, right? And they didn't put it together yet, so it was up against the wall.
00:59:37
Speaker
And it was like, there was like a gap between it and the wall. And I didn't want to go to school so bad, right? So I like was like looking for a place to hide. and I jammed myself behind the fucking bed frame against the wall. And I hid in there and I watched my mom like scream all through the house, like looking for me knowing I didn't leave. And I watched her walk into the room. It was the quietest I've ever been in my life. yeah the quietest and stillest and like heartbeatless I've ever been in my whole life and I remember like she was like looking everywhere in the room for me and because she was obviously there's no way he jammed himself behind the fucking bed frame but here I am this like little chubby retard like stuck behind the fucking thing I can see you I can see you with like throwing your backpack on the ground just spraying I can't believe it's that butter on your shoulders getting in trying to get behind there. So I squeezed myself in there. I don't know what it was that I didn't want to go to school so bad. Honestly, I think it was just the fact that I want to get beat up today. I honestly think it was just literally like, I don't know why, but I remember like watching her look for me and like, like scream and like be insane and being like, Oh my God, like I'm going to get away with it. And I remember like, she was like looking for me and my one cat saw me and my cat started walking towards me. And I remember like trying to be like,
01:00:57
Speaker
get out of you mailil and ili i'll fucking kill you Try to like telepathically tell this cat that I'll fucking drown it if I guess I will So yeah, so I ended up like she like gave up or whatever and I just completely Just I stayed there probably for like an hour And what did you do after I play video games all day? Like, was the whole thing like, wait until school started and she wouldn't make you go as if she found you? Well, she would leave for work and think- Oh, she'd leave for work. Okay, so you're the house to yourself. I played hooky like that a couple times. I would do it all the time. There was a good Bill Cosby joke. I think it was Bill Cosby. He would talk about, like, wanting to stay home i'm sick and then all of a sudden the 330 fairy would come by and go,
01:01:39
Speaker
<unk> go out and play. You're not sick anymore. Yeah. I would like, I would turn off my illness real quick as soon as I heard a single kid scream outside. Oh yeah. I'm like, I'm actually, I think I need some light actually yeah guys. I think all the best would be like, well, if i even do the best would be like, well, if you got to stay home from school, like you can't play video games, obviously if you're sick. I'm like, well, no, like the whole point of being that's exactly what I was going to do. That's exactly what the whole point of being sick is that ah I have video games to make me feel better. Yeah. Well, you can't actually not be a fucking bitch and go to work. So I got video games to play. Yeah. Yeah. I'm too sick to play Halo. You. You. You asked your boss if you want. She wanted to buy pills from you and you got fired. So it's like you can't. I'm a allowed to play video games. yeah
01:02:29
Speaker
Like I feel like the only thing like I a couple years ago Like I didn't get sick for like a whole like almost a whole year and I was like, I was kind of want to get sick So I'm gonna play a game.
Nostalgic Childhood Memories
01:02:37
Speaker
Yeah, take a day off but yeah being like we so like play a game you Like dump 12 hours into a video game when you have like a head cold you're like this is the best oh My god, you're all quilled up. You got some Campbell's chicken. You'll see we got a fucking screaming coke from the fridge Hell yeah, it's a good day i Used to like like if I was like feeling like shit I would actually like I would sit and I would watch my brother play video games That's he was like better than me at games, so I would like watching him play cuz he was like noise Yeah, so like if and I really I was like yo you try play a game He'd be like yeah, all right. I'm gonna walk. She's like all right damn turn it the fuck off, dude
01:03:17
Speaker
I'm so happy that I grew up with like YouTube because like i didn't I didn't have an older brother, I only had sisters, so I didn't have an older brother that was better at video games to play it. Yeah, TJ's like, how about you put your tampon in? Yeah, I'm like, why don't you guys fuck or something? Yeah, like, what do you guys do? You go so i hey guys gonna teach me how to kiss? Yeah, you guys want to fuck? Teach you how to three sisters from different, like, like I don't even know. They all try to teach you how to kiss. They're all older and they're all different ages. No, you're doing like at ease. No, you'll kiss like a sister. You'll kiss like your other sister. You'll kiss like me now. You should be, you have three sisters and you should be amazing at sex. I'm like, please tell me you hate that.
01:03:59
Speaker
That's that good stuff. I'm like, please tell me you hit them Asian bitches. They're all older sisters, right? Yeah, they're all older sisters. Free dominatrix. That's why I had nobody to play video games with. It was just like me. So I always had to watch like YouTube like playthroughs to like get past parts I could get past. My brother... So TJ takes orders from a laptop. It's like, don't... TJ's got like older brother like vids on YouTube. yeah T.J.'s using his mouse to milky himself. Yeah. Giving yourself a swirly would be so funny. Yeah, with your laptop cord. Yeah. T.J., what's on your arm? You're like, oh, I gave myself an Indian burn for being such a fucking spaz. Absolutely spaz. I was being a spazaroonie and I fucking gave myself an Indian burn. I was being a gay bird.
Economic Humor and Stereotypes
01:04:42
Speaker
I was being such a gaybo. Yeah. It's just like the imprint of a keyboard. I had a I had a really bad my dad like during the recession got He went to the dollar store. I think I probably I don't know if I mentioned all here before he went and got meat sauce from Dollar Tree He gave all he gave all of us like Renaissance Give you Enlightenment everybody was so sick and poor that like I remember walking downstairs and seeing my brother like making like t-shirts do Making like blanket stew he's making cauldron. He's making like Charlie Yeah black circles under his eyes you guys said play you guys had plagues We had a plague for like two weeks, and we were sick as fuck my brother was playing the Indiana Jones video game in ps2 Oh, so you couldn't get past this level and then for some reason my mom's like turn on g4 She put g4 on it was like right where he was at in the game That's back when you had to watch g4 to like figure out how to get through something. Oh, where's that?
01:05:39
Speaker
that and you could also get like a game informer oh yeah my brother got game informer you get the you get a fucking manual my brother was a gamer but he was thin it was like hilarious yeah it's like the fuck my brother was like a good-looking guy that liked video games he was like he was like before his time My brother liked superheroes and like and like art and like fucking like you know all that like shit that like is gay He like all that gay shit He like all this gay shit And he was like good looking at the same time which was like new at the time like usually you had to have like Foreheads it's to like any of those things you had to have for a really long time You had to have like literally like fucking puss tits on your forehead You literally have to have paws leaking out of your neck meat to have any of those interests. Game Informer was a strictly fat magazine. Game Informer came with paper towel corners to make sure you get the Dorito dust off your fingers. Half of the Game Informer application includes a BMI test. Yeah, it literally comes with a disc in there, but it's literally just a big piece of pork roll. Just put that in your fucking Xbox Beat the whole game Yeah, I always got the game informer because I always got like the game plus or the game stop plus thing Yeah, I got that too we get in the mail Yeah, and I was I was watching it or like go through it and be like all these are the video games ever not gonna get it Yeah, this is everything I'm ever now. I'm like, Mom, can I get on charted? And she's like, no. I'm like, no. I knew my one friend, Sam, was going to get the game. So I always knew. I always knew I was going to play the games coming out because my one buddy was just going to get it. He's on him. He's on it. I was the one thing about moving from Upper Derby to Havertown is I went from a town where no one ever had anything in that we were all happy to being the guy that had nothing in a town where everyone had everything.
Childhood Realizations and Growth
01:07:29
Speaker
And then it was like,
01:07:31
Speaker
Because before night and day and I remember like I started to live by their code when I moved like to Havertown. I'm like, well, I should be getting everything. Yeah, you know, and then it changed the way that I thought. You paid your dues. You had a couple summers throwing fucking water balloons, drinking tampigos. Dude. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, it's time. It's time to fucking. I mean, playing playing manhunt. And now it's like everyone has a wee. It's like, what? I want to win yeah single we as a kid you want the nintendo We coming out fucked with a lot of poor kids. I was good I would I convince myself this kid Zach had a fucking weed before anyone and I was convinced was I'm like well His dad's a stormtrooper like that's white. That's how you get shit like that I used to spread that worked out rumors your dad works on the Death Star I my parents told me that we was a million dollars I was raised by South Park so like the rumors I would spread as a little kid were like really really really really really fucked up
01:08:22
Speaker
like this one kid was mean to me one time and i told everyone in like sixth grade he was mean to me i told everyone that his dad and his dad's friends raped him like i was like i was like i was like ah i was like yeah like he told me this like really fucked up story and i was like i told every every everyone i remember like sitting down with like the parents because obviously they figured out it was me it like told people that yeah, so I'm sitting down with his parents and I my parents didn't even show up so it's like I'm representing myself like any trial where I'm like first representing myself like Ted Bundy in a fucking literally like a middle school office you're like Charles Manson
01:09:03
Speaker
um look I was like, look, I literally like, my defense was, look, we're both guilty here. Yeah, Jim's like, you feel hate? Do you feel blame? You feel rabble, ash, blab? I should have won. I should have won that trial. I should have won that try. I didn't help that. I was also in the office earlier that week for for telling a ah teacher that she was... she was her her her Her behavior was was okay because I know she's on her period. I was in middle school. I was in middle school. I didn't know what that even meant. I like did, but didn't. You know what I mean? like just knew that I didn't know that was deeply insulting. I didn't know that it was deeply insulting. I thought it was hilarious. How is that deeply insulting, though, for a woman?
01:09:43
Speaker
Because, well first of all, they are fucking nuts when they're on their period. They're nuts. That could be true, but it's just disrespectful to a person just working. Well, I mean, you have to acknowledge that you're a whore myself. I guess, but then like, I know my girl's on her part, dude. When you're a kid, you forget that a teacher is working, you know? Yeah, you just think she's some bitch. She's some fucking dumb bitch. She's just some fucking fat bitch that makes me work. He's just a gay boss of mine. Yeah, it's just a fucking ugly bitch. It makes me fucking douche out what to do. It's just a fucking bitch who won't let me go home. It's literally some ugly bitch who makes me know about the world. Yeah, I forgot you're a teacher. I'm sorry, I was under the impression you were just some fucking bitch that wouldn't let me go home. Like literally until high school I treated teachers like an animal. Like an animal. I acted like an animal in a classroom until high school.
01:10:28
Speaker
And I got to high school and I was like, wait a minute. I'm like, we're only like six years apart. You're actually kind of bad as fuck. Wait a minute. I like know how to calm now. Yeah, actually, no, I was actually kind of a tyrant in 10th grade and 9th grade too. 9th grade, we had that one class where like everyone was bad all the time. I shot that spitball, that girl. You shot a spitball at a Muslim girl, and I know it wasn't a hate crime. She just happened to be there. It wasn't even for her. accident hit I hit a Muslim girl with a fucking... He went like fucking... like he went He went in a different culture. That's how like every like fight starts. That's how wars start. I hit a Muslim girl with a spitball. She might be one of the most beautiful people that ever lived. Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about.
01:11:11
Speaker
yeah And I don't know the spitball and she was like wow. I'm so happy. I'm here not Syria anymore Yeah, I'm like at least it wasn't a piece of sidewalk. Oh yeah, at least it wasn't a fucking bomb Have fun getting your driver's license in the air cuz that's you know what we do here. Yeah, she took a cab. I was a weird kid. I was sweet ki Yeah, yeah her dad drove it oh Okay, that makes sense here dad drove it into an orphanage where it blew up. I thought she just ki I know what happened future Yeah, we're having fun. We're having fun. I'm sorry. I was watching boomers all day on YouTube. Yeah, but they're open coffees That should be the name if we if we do a boomer episode on the patreon where we talk like boomers We'll call it open coffee we dress like boomers next week we don
01:12:02
Speaker
yeah more cost in here I'm gonna get a pair of white monarchs for the
Public Bathroom Humor
01:12:05
Speaker
summer. Jesus fucking absolute God. I heard there's I heard that they go on they don't come off though. I heard i heard they heard they work like black. Yeah, I heard once they go on black people get insufferable around you. Yeah who like What's all that noise so that yeah, what's going on? I said black. I read the book in the library. it's like Yeah, so I fucking know it. What do you can you read any fucking louder than that? Yeah, yeah Reason down my neck somebody gonna sound this out for him. I'm gonna start wearing those shoes I'm gonna start racking the newspaper under my arm go in the bathroom doing the fucking slight jog How about the we used to have Starbucks customers that like we'd see fucking get the newspaper big shit think a big shirt you're gonna get take a Big shit where I work thanks with a big shit
01:12:49
Speaker
yeah I know you always spent 125 on a black coffee. Thanks for the big shit. Thanks for the big shit. No, that guy's a great... He comes and he takes some big shit every day. That's my guy, man. He kind takes some big shit every day. Hey, big shitty. Big shitty. Big shitty. He's the big shit. That's a woman. That's a woman. I'm like, what's up, big shitty. Big shitter. Fucking teenage girl. Dropping bits and pieces. I know that bitch is taking a big shit. If I knew it was my last day ever at Starbucks, I would have said, I did a show the other night and this big buff trans bitch came back from the bathroom. I was like, what are you doing there? I said, which one did you use? What did you do in there? Big ones like that take a shit and it has a T-bone in it. That's a fucking T-bone in it. T-bone steak shit? That's T-bone dump.
01:13:40
Speaker
Wouldn't it be so funny though, just call somebody out in the Starbucks and be like, wait a minute, I know you come in every day and take a big shit. Wait a minute, you're the shit guy. Thanks for all the big shits. You're shit guy. Yeah, thanks for all the big shits. I told you about the mystery burrito shitter. So what does see me around here? It's like what no they knew they were shitting and they would be smiling too. They'd have a newspaper under their arm. I'm gonna go read this and piss. I'll be right back. When I worked at Whole Foods, there was a mystery burrito shitter. What do you mean a burrito shitter? So basically every... Okay, so I would come in at 6 a.m. I would come in as the overnight people were leaving. well So um I would come in, I'd clock in, I'd go take a shit or a piss like to just... Start the day to just calibrate before I walked out there to get going You got to like stop in the bathroom and like check in with yourself You have any place if you ever clock in anywhere you have to shit you have his I'm gonna fucking get paid shit
01:14:40
Speaker
I don't get fucking paid. I have to check in with myself in the mirror before I like go. So do I. I have to tell myself, yo, you got this. You're good. You're going to be fine. It's literally fine. And go shit. Go shit. You're paid to shit. Take your time. So there there was someone on this fucking overnight crew would shit in the bathroom and they would take a shit that was so monumental every fucking day, every day, awesome that it would lay across. i I drew pictures of how I think it was happening. I drew pictures like in the break room. Sitting sideways? I was like, they have to be sitting sideways and laying it across the water.
01:15:22
Speaker
like go in their hand and then lay it like it lay across across a fucking dash a straight up like hyphen in the toilet above the water every day I never under so they My team, my like three people that I would work with, we would go in and we would look at the shit. like we do um On one of my million phones I've had, there's definitely a picture of one of them, yeah but this thing would be out of the water on both sides. It would just sit there like a fucking hyphen in the bowl, cutting the water in half. it I've never seen anything like every day. I'm getting ready to put a fucking i'm getting ready to put a devil dog in every toilet at my work.
01:16:07
Speaker
see what fucking happens every just a plain day an unflushed log was there any paper with it yeah yeah yeah so they would they would split the bowl in half it would be it would be a fucking turd laying across it'd be the paper up top turn big turn in the middle it would be a division sign to be pissed bottom teepee top little dash in the middle it was the demilitarized turd like you were like have you ever been in the bathroom after a girl at Starbucks
01:16:42
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, it's most of my job is following girls into the bathroom. Yeah, I saw a girl, like a gym girl. Oh, yeah. She had like big headphones on like leggings. I knocked on the door and she was like, someone's in here. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I knocked on the other door and there's a lady with her kids. She's like, there's someone in here. And I'm like, all right. Well, the gym girl came out of the bathroom first. And I like didn't even think I walked into a fucking heat wave 98. I literally
Workplace Dynamics and Humor
01:17:08
Speaker
walked into an ECW bathroom. It looked like somebody it looked like it looked like somebody took a turd and shot it yeah in the like In the fucking yeah, she was hitting the back of the bowl. She must have took and take a ball of shit and literally just took a 12 gauge
01:17:28
Speaker
Like blasted it off. Yeah, man. Women's shit just like we do. Yeah. That was such an insane job. I remember that guy was trying to fuck me there, and he was like, I want to taste you in theyre in the supply closet. Remember that guy? ah ah The fucking bald dude? Oh, yeah. Yeah, the bald dude. I was like, Kevin? No, no, not him. the other the the other There was another dude who was like, he hit me up on Grindr while he was in the fucking place. And I was like, me and Ethan were like, oh, yeah. What are we going to do? We were like, oh, yeah. You just reply with one of these.
01:18:05
Speaker
That's what a pride fart sounds like. I think a pride fart's like... oh Everyone's asking how's he a? a? How's your? How's he a? How do you say it? How's your? it was
01:18:29
Speaker
If you think hosier is good, you're not allowed to say anything anyone anything about culture anywhere. Oh he is good hey use good jacke joe We're literally friends with hosier our friend our friend is having a baby as hosier Yeah saying hey it shirts yeah Yeah, songs about the Turkish songs about like getting fucked in the ass Yeah, it got over your sins, and I'll fucking I'll squirrel your ball whole out Guy squirt on you and there should be The booty juice is no joke i owe to ju Especially in June IO peace out love you next week