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EP 11: Skin-Din-Dinny & Goat-Boy
110 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Childhood Monsters, 2000's TV Commercials, and That Cup.
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Transcript
Introduction of Bobby's Persona
00:00:00
Speaker
Bobby bitch, I'm Bobby bitch Bobby bitch, I'm Bobby bitch Bobby bitch fuck you bitch It's Bobby bitch It's Robert bitch, it's Robert bitch to you T-bae T-dae T-dae T-dae
00:00:27
Speaker
I miss my mom.
Family Dynamics and Humor
00:00:37
Speaker
Who doesn't? I was the only person in my whole family that liked my mom. Apparently she was a fucking menace.
00:00:48
Speaker
She got a soft spot when she had grandkids. They all do. And then they then the the the kids were all jealous of the grandkids. It's because you didn't shred her vagina up. I didn't push my big fat head out of my fucking her box. Yeah, you didn't tear up your sweet mom's box. That's why she I would if she asked. She was kind of banging, kind of banging. Yeah, she's kind of banging. Yeah, my mom was hot. My grandma was definitely hot in like 1957.
00:01:19
Speaker
Was she thick? Yeah. She was a thick mama? Yeah, she was built to last. She was a duralast, babe. She was a duralast, babe. Brickhouse. Did she breastfeed the kids? She was thin and, like, thick at the same time.
00:01:33
Speaker
Yeah, she was slim thick. She was slim thick. There's a term for that dude. Can I fucking kill myself? I think I really do have CTE because I've been slurring my speech for like three weeks. I'm dying. I'm actually like, I've been getting like marble now.
00:01:52
Speaker
Is that a bad term? Garbled marble mouth? No. I'll be talking to someone who's lame and they're like, what? I've been slurring and I'm like, I think I'm just becoming a slack jawed retard. Yeah, I think I'm becoming a slack jawed dud. A dullard. A dullard. That's what I feel like all the time. I feel like my brain's like slowly rotting. It is. We're all getting older. That's what it is. That's what turning 26 is all about.
00:02:14
Speaker
Yeah, I mean I was thinking about this earlier. I saw a comment on reddit that said like When things in nature they all turn into like alcohol when they rot. Yeah, so I thought like my grandma when then she got older she had Alzheimer's I was like, oh she's just making kimchi with her mind. She's making kimchi in her head Cats make biscuits.
Cultural Observations and Humor
00:02:33
Speaker
Yeah, your grandma's making kimchi with her brain
00:02:39
Speaker
Yeah, she's making kimchi I feel like when the Asian ladies after they after they have grandkids That's when they put their hands behind their back and they pace back and forth for the rest of their life Oh, yeah, I do that too. You're getting to that point. Yeah Watch TV from a foot away blocks the whole fucking TV
00:02:57
Speaker
I carry like a little baby or like a bag of rice on my back. Yeah, he sneezes directly into his hands. A lot of this. A lot of this. A lot of this. Old Asian guys get the pre-bark. Do the pre-bark before the owner tells the dog to shut up. Shut up. Shut up, pop up. Shut the fuck up. What's pop up in Korean?
00:03:22
Speaker
huddle G. That's a, I guess that's like grandpa. It's like fucking not even worth it now. I'll call a fucking dickhead a man. A fucking old dickhead.
00:03:48
Speaker
I've been doing this thing recently where I've been watching fucking commercials from the 2000s. Yeah, I love Yeah, like a three-hour block of like three hour block I know
00:03:59
Speaker
Watch the I never hit the three-hour block. Yeah. No, I can't like I have like I'm having like a full-blown panic attack I'm gonna watch fucking I'm gonna watch the original Reese's Puff commercial with the light-skinned kid. They literally found a light-skinned Reese's Puff colored kid Yeah
00:04:21
Speaker
Literally a peanut butter. I know they never bought that for me my whole life. I didn't want it to be honest I never even wanted it. I didn't even want I was always a cocoa pebble king. It wasn't I wasn't I didn't like it. I had it. I didn't like it. I like Captain Crunch like the oops all berries. No, I don't like oops all berries I do not like oops all berries. I like golden I like crunch berries, but I like there to be a mix I like buttery fucking I like the buttery fucking
00:04:52
Speaker
See, here's the thing. I love fruity pebbles. I think fruity pebbles are God tier cereal. And I feel like people are not in the middle. I feel like people either love them or hate them. Is coco pebbles jingas? If that's God, is coco pebbles jingas?
Cereal and Family Stories
00:05:06
Speaker
Cocoa pebbles is pingas. That's all the pingas, baby. So, coco pebbles, fruity pebbles. You're a fruity pebbles guy?
00:05:15
Speaker
Every day of the week and John your cocoa pebbles. I'm cocoa pebbles, but if I don't have cocoa pebbles, and there's fruity pebbles I'm just as fine. Just as happy. I'm not gonna bitch What would you say? It's like the worst cereal that you've ever had grape nuts grape nuts grape nuts is fuck grape nuts is literally all schwits for breakfast Literally, it's literally fucking like a bowl a bowl of Anne Frank a bowl of Anne Frank's dude the bowl of Auschwitz I always wanted to try nuts because like they apparently they're like super healthy for you and
00:05:42
Speaker
Yeah, they're so healthy because you can't eat them. It's just like stones. Anything is healthy if you can't eat it. Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're sugary though. Really? I think they are like the first sugary cereal. I thought grape nuts was. Grape nuts? Yeah, I don't think they're as bad. No, grape nuts tastes like literally smoking Bible paper. It like matches. Yeah. I think the least tastiest that I'll go for is regular Cheerios.
00:06:08
Speaker
Cheerios. I think they're tasty. Regular Cheerios are not bad. Yeah. For your heart too. For your heart, that's what they say. I would know. That's what they say. Johnny Hart. That's three would know. Johnny Hart. Yeah, I'm Johnny Hart now. Johnny Hart. I'm Johnny Cardiac. Johnny Cardiology. Yeah, I'm cardiologist right now.
00:06:24
Speaker
No, cereal for me, I like more than that. Shiny pulmonology? Yeah, pulmonology. I'm a late night cereal guy. Late night cereal? Cereal takes better at night. I haven't had cereal in ages. Well, you deserve a cereal party for yourself. Have one. I have one every once in a while. My favorite cereal of all time is honey bunches of oats. Shit.
00:06:45
Speaker
How do you feel? I used to not like him as a kid because I only like the cornflake parts because I was a big Frosted Flakes kid. Oh, but then the older I got I was like I like that crunch like Frosted Flakes with a cut-up banana. Oh fuck. Yeah, dude Take me Danny
00:07:01
Speaker
You put cut up banana in your frosted flakes? In my cereal, in any cereal. I've had it in different cereals, but not frosted flakes. Any cereal. Dude, if you do it with the frosted flakes, you're gonna change your tone. You ever put prunes in cereal? No, do you? My Aunt Harry used to put prunes in cereal. She also used to give us frosted flakes. She's dead now? Oh, yeah.
00:07:22
Speaker
Well there you have it. Her fucking heart exploded when she was like 108. 108's crazy. That prunes in the cereal stuff. Nah, she died by like 95 or 96, but she used to give us frosted flakes and then she would take a scoop of sugar, straight up granulated sugar, and just shake it over the frosted flakes. Did you fucking like that? I literally dogged her every time. I dogged her out. I dogged her out every time. My Aunt Harriet did.
00:07:48
Speaker
She was from the south. She didn't know they were frosted. She thought they were just corn. No, she just thought that when you have the most handsome fucking grand-nephew, you're supposed to give them everything once. That's true. I'll never forget, dude. I was a kid. I was playing in her backyard. I got attacked by mosquitoes. My legs were covered in bumps. I remember she grabbed two fucking gingerails out of the fridge. Let me hold them on my legs. Yeah. Shout-out to Harry. I thought you were about to say you should pour them on your legs. Nah, she just let me drink gingerails because my legs were itchy.
00:08:17
Speaker
She was from the south. She had a southern accent. And Harriet. A spoonful of sugar. She had a husband named Charlie. She had a darker complexion. I don't know how to explain it. No, she did have old timey slave voice, but she was an old white lady. I feel like everyone in the south did. Could you give us an example of what Harriet might have sounded like? Imagine rubbing Crisco all over your fucking vocal cords. That's what it sounded like. She had a southern drawl. Give me something. She'd be like,
00:08:49
Speaker
She has a daughter named Louise. She would call Louise. And her husband's name was Charlotte. I feel like the southern drawl, it seems like they have a sticky tongue. You know what I mean? Yeah, they do have a sticky tongue. They always have fucking lips down there. Fucking southern retard. It sounds like they're trying not to wake up a chicken. Yeah. Let the rooster roost. Let him roost.
00:09:18
Speaker
Let that roost, oh roost, my chicken roost. I don't think I could live in like the
Weddings and Rural Humor
00:09:23
Speaker
country. I just went to a wedding this weekend in Lancaster and the entire, the wedding was great. I was happy for everybody. It was a beautiful wedding. But every time before, every time I went outside, it was horseshit.
00:09:33
Speaker
I'll do it. Yeah, you were in horse shit PA. I went to horse shit town and then I went I stopped at a gas station to grab sigs before the wedding and I went in there and it was hot that day so they had the air conditioning on and you'd think the gas station wouldn't smell like horse shit, but it just it There was a goat running the register. There was literally a goat behind the fucking guy ID me. He's like ID I Gotta scan it
00:10:01
Speaker
You have another lottery ticket. Do you need matches?
00:10:09
Speaker
There was goats at the wedding. I was getting drunk and feeding them pepperoni off the fucking hors d'oeuvres thing. Off the pangas? Oh my god, look at this shit right here. I'm like, babe, look, they're like pepperoni. Are you feeding them pepperoni? I was feeding the goats pepperoni. Pepperoni goats? Yeah, and I also gave them- Pretty sure I saw that band at the Fillmore. I fed a goat a lobster roll too. Oh my god. Funniest fucking shit ever. Pissing someone else's money away at a wedding is the funniest shit ever.
00:10:34
Speaker
That goat probably had the best time ever. That goat, no one believed him when he told him. He went back to him and was like, yo, I have the fucking lobster. This fucking fat, retarded guy gave me lobster rolls. No, he didn't. Shut up. We've never done goat dogs. This guy's so bogus. We've been fucking like 10 years with your friends, we've never done goat dogs.
00:10:55
Speaker
No, we thought go talk so figure I told you about goat boy. Oh, you did tell me but can you tell the listeners about
Childhood Fears and Monsters
00:11:01
Speaker
goat boy? Have I? Alright, I don't think so. Not the listener. You told me not but not the listeners. I just I just tell my friends more alone. Yeah, tell us about goat boy. So my when I was a kid, I used to stay up late all the time. I was a late night kid. I was I loved it so much. I still to this day. I'm I'm up. I'm awake.
00:11:20
Speaker
I'm gonna wait guy night out night out let's go but uh the fucking they had they they came up with this character called fucking goat boy who came up with this character my parents my birth my birth parents came up with this character called goat boy
00:11:38
Speaker
And basically, he ate kids, and he killed kids, and he took kids. Was he part goat? But he was part goat, and he had the power to possess people. Is he goat up top or goat bob? I didn't ask that. I think that's more like the theater of the mind kind of thing, really scares the kid if you don't give him all the details. Yeah, no details. You know, Go Boy is near. If you start to hear people talking like a goat, that's fucked so far. So if I was staying up too late,
00:12:05
Speaker
I would be like, well, I haven't heard anybody do goat yet. Yeah, I got a couple more minutes. I think I got a couple more minutes of fucking wrestling with my fucking guys. Yeah, on the steps, you know, where you're basically going to be like, it's time to go to bed. And I'm like, ah, come on, blah, blah, blah. And then like, like, like they go to the kitchen or something. You'd be like, do you want a glass of water? Like, fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:12:33
Speaker
I would fly up the steps like literally there be a sudden Jim had like dog toenails on a wooden floor You're just fucking trying to catch yourself farting up the steps like a lot while My parents had we had two different monsters
00:12:47
Speaker
Every family has a monster, by the way. Yeah, you had a scary one. We had two. We had the Boo Chalk. He went to my mom's house. And then at my parents' house, the Boo Hickey. And I would go up the steps. You had another monster at a friend's house. Yeah, Skindin Denny. Skindin Denny. That's the scariest one. Skindin Denny. I remember thinking Skindin Denny was like a zombie Casey Affleck.
00:13:15
Speaker
I used to think skinned in and he was the fastest like my Skinned in then he was like a kid that went to our high school skinned in there We just have like fucking like other retards with the school who made skinned in Diddy your friends my friends parents They're from Boston. They had skinned in Diddy, and I was like that's the most like South East shit I've ever heard yeah
00:13:36
Speaker
But like we had the Boochuck and my brother would like tease you with the Boochuck because when you're a kid, that's how people like our, you know, our parents and like fucking relatives and shit would get us to do stuff for smartphones. Could you get I couldn't Google that is fucking go boy real. Yeah, I'm like looking up. I'm like looking up like skin then then Denny two ends can't spell it can't spell it. It's not real. I didn't know that fucking the boo hickey wasn't like I thought the boo hickey was like
00:14:03
Speaker
Everyone had that I used to do this thing where I would get my parents like try to like walk me up to the bathroom to pee Yeah, like I was scared to go upstairs So I'd either sing all at the top of my lungs all the way up the steps into the bathroom and then the more scared I would get the louder I would sing and Then like my dad would do this thing my dad would be like kind of like half hitting the ass on the couch He'd be like listen. I'll stand at the bottom of the steps When they calm down, I'll focus spray the bastards
00:14:28
Speaker
So once they get through me, my dad's gonna spray the bastards. My dad's holding a can of reed. Fucking got a bush light in his hand. I'll spray the bastards. I'll spray the bastards. Go. That's the funniest thing I ever did. Go piss. Go take a leak. I'm gonna spray the bastards. I got you six. But my mom would do this thing. My mom would do some shit all the time when I was little to scare me. My mom would make me look over my shoulder. And then when I would look back, my mom would open her eyes real wide and open her mouth real wide.
00:15:01
Speaker
Or she would wait for me to go to the bathroom as soon as I would pull my fucking dick out the piss my mom go And I would literally like fucking like you piss out of your hand. Yeah, literally I would literally run pissing There just
Adolescence and Parental Interactions
00:15:15
Speaker
be like a fucking squiggle of piss like all the way down the steps trail I'm not gonna do that to my kids. I think that's child abuse I
00:15:22
Speaker
I'm not scaring the fu- my kid's gonna never be scared. No, I'm not gonna control my kids with fear. That's what, like- No, I'm gonna do it with physical violence. I'm gonna beat the shit out of them like regular people. Like a normal fucking dad. I'm gonna smack him on the side of his fucking head. Yeah. Punk ass bitch. Don't forget, I'm the one who takes the big shits around here. I can- I can take the big shits!
00:15:45
Speaker
I take the big ass shits around here. That's my dad, he takes the big shits around here. He said, he said it literally, he takes the big shits. I like, like I would do some shit like when I was a kid that were like, I would make someone wait on the steps all the time.
00:16:02
Speaker
I would make some more weight on the steps. And there's a scene in the sixth sentence when Haley Jo Oswe goes and takes a piss that the fucking ghost walks right past the bathroom door. And like my parents were like, look, you're four, you can watch this by yourself. I like watched it and then like every single time I pissed, the hairs on my neck would stand up and I was like always assuming there's gonna be like a fucking woman walking past the door. Dude, that is the scariest fucking movie to a little kid ever, I think. That's the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen now.
00:16:27
Speaker
I still don't like it. You still won't watch it. I like horror movies. The sixth sense is like one of those ones I will not watch on. It's real. It's real. The sixth sense is real. I've been to that accident. Hailey Joel Osman is literally still that age. He is. In my head. Yeah, Epstein's people fucked him so good and hard as a kid. I saw him in a... Dude, I saw him as a kid.
00:16:47
Speaker
Saw him in a movie recently, and I wanted to fucking puke. Ew. Does he look horrible? He looks insane. You actually wouldn't believe what he looked like. What movie is it? The one with him, which is a facial hair. He looks like, he looks like, okay, so it looks like the fucking fat nerd from Hot Tub Time Machine ate him. So basically white TJ? No, it looks like, he looks like that dude in Hot Tub Time Machine. Yeah. But like with Haley Jawsman's little kid face. Oh, fuck. That's so fucking haunting.
00:17:15
Speaker
Yeah, it's so scary. Is that the movie where he's like a substitute teacher? Or is it a different one? What, with Hey Ojo Osman, the new one? What is it Jim?
00:17:25
Speaker
Was he a substitute? Jim's texting right now on the podcast. At least it's on video. It's a funny thing. Um, my sister just broke the toilet. She shattered it with a shit. Um, she was like, well, she'll do a thing where she'll like, she was home all day. She's been like off. So she was like, she'll just go take a piss and throw a toilet paper on it. And then fucking two hours later, go take a piss, throw a toilet paper like you mean?
00:17:51
Speaker
Flush the fucking toilet. Flush the fucking toilet. Her and her fucking mother both did that shit. Just, like, piss and fucking walk away. Just piss and wipe and fucking, like, and not flush it. Flush the fucking toilet. Is it to, like, preserve water? Is that her reasoning? I don't know. I'm like, are we running out of water? You fucking tell me. Girls hate toilets. Like, girls hate toilets. They want to get away from the toilet as fast as they can. Yeah, they don't want anyone. I'm like, you did that. I'm like, you gotta go stare at your mask. Yeah, they don't even want to fly in the bathroom to know they took a piss.
00:18:16
Speaker
She was like, she just asked me the funniest thing I've ever... What did she say? She was like, I think I broke the toilet. I put too much TP in and I was flushing weird? Flushing weird? I'm like, fucking guess what, bitch? Get a spatula. Chop it up. Oh, you don't even want to hear that. Get the chopping. You don't even want to hear about the spatula. Bro, I've done rolled ice cream with a turd. Are you kidding me? I've spread it out and fucking... I've rolled ice cream to shit to get it to go down before you kidding me? Dude, I took a shit.
00:18:46
Speaker
I had a toilet that literally had like the drain for the toilet was probably as big as a fucking pencil sharpener, I swear to god. I had a house that was like, you had to like, you had to shit many M&Ms if you wanted it to get out. You had to train your body to shit like a tic-tac.
00:19:09
Speaker
Eat a pellet, make a pellet. I had to eat like a bunny for six years. Yeah, you had to drink water out of that fucking bottle. You had to lick the ball. I had a lick ball and a big bowl of pellet. Upside down lick bottle like a fucking rat. Fuck.
00:19:25
Speaker
I would kill for one of those right now. I'm upside down lick bottle. Yeah, I'm upside down lick bottle. Lick bottle. Full of, yeah, full of somehow never gets flat to high coke. I feel like that'd be a cool water cooler. You know how they have the water cooler jugs? If they had one design that's just like a hamster bottle, I feel like I would check out of that all the time. I one time, we had Down Syndrome twins at our high school. Yeah. I went up to the water fountain like after them one time and I was like,
00:19:54
Speaker
I'll go to the next one. They fucking put their whole mouth on the whole thing. They fill their head all the way up. And then they're just fucking unnecessary. They store water up here.
00:20:07
Speaker
Jugheads cranial camels. Yeah people who master it like make out with the water fountain. Yeah Why are you getting so close? I used to like the water fountain when I was a kid I remember reading a book in elementary school about this little like Mexican immigrant that like snuck into like an American school and This tutor would let him go use the water fountain
Generational Differences and Work Life
00:20:24
Speaker
for 20 minutes. He was like so thirsty So I would go up to the water fountain and be like it is good. It's cold
00:20:30
Speaker
And now I'm so grossed out by water fountains, dude. I love water fountains. I just love water in general. Oh, dude, I watched a fat black guy blow a fucking water fountain. There's always somebody sucking one. Get it out of your fucking mouth. Get out of your fucking mouth. Ew, I put my hand on that part. I put my penis on that part. What are you talking about? My dick's got a drink too. I don't fuck with tap water. You're not a tap water king.
00:20:57
Speaker
No, not at all. You gotta crack the seal on your water. I gotta crack the tap on it. I feel like it depends on the tap because like some pipes I don't trust the tap but like other like newer houses or buildings I'm like I don't mind it. Our generation doesn't drink enough water.
00:21:14
Speaker
We don't do enough anything. If you read the internet, we don't do anything. We actually do anything. We literally do nothing. We don't do enough anything. I'm convinced that we do nothing. That's what everyone older than me has ever told me. Gen Z is killing this industry. It's like every single fucking thing. Yeah, it's like Gen Z's literally raping red pandas.
00:21:38
Speaker
Like I mean, I can't we can't do anything for we can't do anything right rape. We can't do anything right now every like you know, I Just talk to them a fucking idiot it all boils down to the fact that we had porn for free and easy our whole lives Fucking hate us for it. Yeah, they fucking hate us for it It's one of the first thing an older person will always bring up like an older guy was your age back in my fucking day Yeah
00:22:06
Speaker
I'm sorry that- I'm sorry that I didn't have to put a sheet up on the wall and invite four of my friends to jack off in front of a- I'm sorry I didn't- Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't have to get inside of a treasure chest, sink to the bottom of the gully, and then fucking beat off, and then sneak back up before the fucking- the hens were awake.
00:22:21
Speaker
No, we had one iPad at my buddy's house that we literally would take turns jerking off with. Yeah, you fucking were tapping your tip on the fucking speaker. I was literally- I was literally hot dogging the edge of his fucking bathroom sink when I like already came to penis. Just to get that tickle. I had one of my boys coming in the kitchen trash can. Yeah. Of this house. Yup.
00:22:40
Speaker
That poor kid's mom when she came in it just smelled like sourdough pretzels and pancake batter. Yeah, not a single body spray. Not a single thing got baked. Not a single thing got baked. The only thing that got fucking baked was our fucking nice little testicles, dude. I remember the first time like I've like went over the house and like they were all like, yeah, we do this. I was like, nice. I go, what's her name? They go, iPad.
00:23:05
Speaker
And then I also, then he got the Beats by Dre, then he got Beats by Dre headphones. So I was literally like jerking off at like Elon Musk's house. It's so funny cause like the, you guys had like intellectual conversations after y'all post nut clarity. We would literally all talk after we came just being like, wow, that was crazy how that came over all of us.
00:23:22
Speaker
Let's go all share a Virginia Slim. Yeah, like all outside ripping a Virginia Slim shooting like a grill with a paintball gun I'm like, can I just like be fucking young again? That's fucking awesome. I'm 26 yet I feel like I'm 58. I feel like I'm in nothing with my life anymore. Did you know that we do nothing? None of us do anything. I know. Try to do stuff, we're trying to do this. I do stuff sometimes. I do, I mean I get to work every day, but I don't think, that's not stuff.
00:23:47
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like my time is so... I have a very rich nightlife. I have a very rich and burgeoning nightlife as a young adult.
00:24:02
Speaker
Yeah. I need a beep shot in the head. I need a beep shot too. I do agree. I feel like a lot of adults now have less free time than ever because so many people that I know are working overtime and shit.
Pop Culture and Commercials
00:24:13
Speaker
Yeah, everything costs more. Joe Biden's like, work young person. Yeah, he's like, work. Work. Joe Biden's like,
00:24:23
Speaker
Where that's the other thing though, and then when young people get jobs that are like skilled jobs All the older boomers that are still there that are like they can't retire because the economy's so fucked Yeah, they're like you fucking kids don't know nothing about nothing It's like no you guys are the fucking idiots that ruined everything you're dragging You're the 60 year old the fucking ruined everything just drag it on to their cold. Yeah, you're the one
00:24:48
Speaker
You're bin Laden. They're all bin Laden. They're all bin Laden. Anybody over 55 years old is Osama bin Laden to me. I've never heard something so fucking politically accurate in my life. They're all Osama bin Laden.
00:25:01
Speaker
They all deep down are Osama bin Laden. Now, do you think their generation ruled more than ours? Yes, they had the 80s. Yeah, they had the 80s. If you were like a young adult in the 80s, you had it. You had it going on. I think it depends.
00:25:19
Speaker
Black's like still like just now cool. No come on. It's been cool for fucking since it's been cool since like the 70s It's been cool since like literally Jimi Hendrix Jimi Hendrix like you black eyes you're welcome on Hendrix behalf. I don't know what I just said I
00:25:46
Speaker
First off, every black guy, hi, PSA, every black guy. You guys should all be grateful for Jimi Hendrix. They're all there. There must be some kind of way out of here. That's me at a saladworks. What do you think is the coolest black guy? The coolest black guy ever. Coolest black guy is Red Man. Red Man? Now Method Man. Method Man's cool. I would probably say like West Side Gun. Okay. I think he's kind of cool. He's just who I would be if I was a black guy. I'd be West Side Gun. I'd choose West Side Gun. Method Man is who I would be if I was black. Because you smoke a lot of grass.
00:26:16
Speaker
No, I think he's super cool and funny, too, though. He's very funny. Yeah, I think he's super cool and funny. I was like the most fucking like, I'm stoned in like my fucking dad's basement, like fucking like thing to say is wicked. I think I'd be messing man. Honestly, I'd be like, honestly, no, I'd be, I'd be a mortal technique. Yeah, I'd be more, I'd be Sean Paul. Yeah, I'd be Sean Paul. I'd be Sean Paul. Sean Paul. That's literally my life blood. Yeah. That song.
00:26:45
Speaker
That's my actual, literal, living love blood. You know what is cool though? When I was watching those nostalgic commercials, I remember thinking, like, they really don't have commercials like that anymore for, like, toys. They don't advertise anything. Nobody does it. Kids just want to suck and popularize ads. Everyone pays to not have ads now. Yeah. So, like, back then, a commercial, like, remember, like, Flume?
00:27:04
Speaker
I wanted floams so bad. I never they were like ruin your fucking house For 1995 a month you could ruin the fucking house Have you ever thought there's not enough screaming in the house
00:27:22
Speaker
But there would be like a G.I. Joe commercial would be like, there's a G.I. Joe ship just showed up and it's like coming out of like a pool and these kids are like, oh no, Cobra's here! And it's like, defend Cobra. Like it would just be these cool commercials. Now it's like, I don't even know what happened. They just, everything's like an anti-depressant commercial. Like toys now are like, here's an anti-depression commercial, here's the side effects, suicidal thoughts.
00:27:45
Speaker
and eat this other pill. It'll help you. Now there's like an ad for like a Hot Wheels like coroner car to come pick up your dead end. The Hot Wheels literally just got into anti-depressants. It's literally just a Zoloft machine. Yeah, the Zoloft fucking Hot Wheels car. They should do pill or pharmaceutical commercials like old like toy commercials.
00:28:06
Speaker
Prozac, they should give pills to Prozac. Bionicles meets pharmaceuticals. Bionaceuticals is like super COVID vaccine. That's Bionicles. They literally prescribed me a toe-a-ta-hoo.
00:28:27
Speaker
They literally prescribed me a toa-tah J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J.
Failed TV Shows and Commercials
00:29:08
Speaker
featuring his new bag of smack collapsible vein that's so fucking
00:29:17
Speaker
with removable junk.
00:29:27
Speaker
The commercials back then, though, they had the Chia Pet. I saw the other commercial that hit me the other night. I was like, I haven't heard that either. Chia Pet and also Head On. Apply directly to the podcast. Apply directly to that podcast. Head As. Apply directly to your podcast. I used to say that to Isaac all the time. You remember that fucking slut on the education connection? Oh, yeah, dude. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Education connection.
00:29:54
Speaker
They got nothing like that anymore. Literally every commercial I see, it'll be like, I used to ride my bike every single day, but thanks to Humira, thanks to Humira, my psoriatic cockthritus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:30:08
Speaker
Remember those free credit report songs? Freecreditreport.com. I should have seen it. There's no jingles yet. There's no jingles. The death of jingles. I think it was that one insurance commercial that killed jingles. That's what it is. That's the new rule of thumbs up. The death of jingles, bring on the shingles. What was it? No jingles or mascots, NJM. I think they killed jingles and mascots. I haven't heard a jingle in forever. Remember when they tried to take the Geico caveman and turn it into a sitcom?
00:30:38
Speaker
Oh yeah. TBS went ape shit for a hot second at the board meeting and they said let's take the Geico caveman and just make it a fucking sitcom. And it was the worst fucking thing ever. Pull that up. Can you pull that Jamie? Pull it up. I know that was a woman idea.
00:30:54
Speaker
I was not a woman idea. While he's looking that up. Back then, women didn't have ideas. It was 2007. Yeah, it flowed into existence. Edge existed. I'm like Edge existed. Edge was the champ. 2007. That's the fucking worst thing ever. John Cena was still openly a wigger, so it was like... That's the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. 19% based off a fucking Geico commercial. It's the greatest fucking awful show ever made, ever, ever, ever. What did this air?
00:31:22
Speaker
This was 2007. Ew. I just ripped that fucking date out. I just ripped that date. You ripped that date. And ABC. So it was a Disney. Disney wanted to know. I was working with GEICO to make you buy the insurance.
00:31:36
Speaker
Damn, I actually kind of want to watch a pilot to see how bad it was. Although these cavemen self-identify as Cro-Magnon, their facial appearance and physical anatomy is reminiscent of Neanderthal. Yeah, it's actually Neanderthal. Literally suck my fucking bag this show. This show looks horrible. I remember when the... This was the first time that I looked at television and I was like, oh, they're just... This is the first time that they just make anything. That's what they... Oh, they're just jamming this down my neck hole. Down my fuck hole. This is horrible.
00:32:05
Speaker
They stuff this show down America's fuck-all. Have you ever seen that, uh, that commercial for, uh, the Cadbury eggs? No. The Cadbury eggs? It was like all the animals on the stage in the theater. And it was like the tiger going like, oh! And then the cat goes, bop meow, bop meow! You ever see that commercial? I know you guys have seen that commercial.
00:32:27
Speaker
You know, I know you've seen that. You know, it's so funny. I know that you nailed that cat. I know that you I know that you I know that it's exactly what it is. That's the crazy. No, no, no, no. Look up the Cadbury. I just having Cadbury egg commercial commercial. Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. Oh yeah.
00:32:53
Speaker
when they have different animals try not to be the right there I just did it for you guys I did love this commercial
00:33:09
Speaker
Trying to say it into my Google fucking this commercial would only play like for like one or two weeks per year Right around Easter right around Easter candy. Yeah, there's Cadbury fucking the Milk bars are fucking awesome, but they would use this commercial like every year Never changed. I love chocolate smart, dude I wonder who would have to put a fucking bunny ears on the line or is that CGI?
Unique Family Tales and Bear Attack
00:33:34
Speaker
I think they did it for cat. I think they just gave the Cadbury egg. Is that practical?
00:33:47
Speaker
Yeah, they gave him fucking trasadone yeah, we're zine My aunt and my aunt Lindsay going to prison
00:33:57
Speaker
No. And everyone was lined up, and the way they would line them up and give them the medicine, she used to call it the Thorazine Shuffle. Thorazine Shuffle. She's like, I'm standing in a loud bunch of these fucking fat bitches, and they're all doing the Thorazine Shuffle. Like, that's like, yeah, I would be like, I don't understand. I screamed like, I screamed after that when I was like nine. I had no idea what Thorazine was, but I was like, they're doing the Thorazine Shuffle. Just fucking stop.
00:34:25
Speaker
So I was I would tell little kids in my neighborhood about me doing the Thorazine shuffle like you didn't even know what that is Yeah, and they literally weren't they were literally like well our boy Jake sent me a great video the other day It's always good to have one friend that always sends you a fucked-up video Yeah, you have that one friend that sends you the fucked-up shit. You always trust him You know he sent me a video he's tapped in he's very he's locked his algorithm He's Davis Clark is in the main vein he's literally locked in he's Davis Clark
00:34:52
Speaker
But they had this- they had a fucking sloth bear attack an Indian guy in a village and he's clamped down on his arm. Yeah. And the fucking village comes running up and starts beating the fucking bear's head in with sticks. Oh my gosh. No fucking way. And they hit him about 300 times. No way. You know what? They beat the fucking dog shit out of this
Drinking Adventures and Bar Humor
00:35:14
Speaker
bear. Honestly- Phenomenal video.
00:35:16
Speaker
I think that's what we need in America. We need to bring back more bears so we come together as a country. I literally said we need more Indian guys. I was like, I think we got a lot, but sure, I'll take more, whatever, yeah. No, we need common danger for humans to kind of come together. We got bears. We got bears. Not the ones that live in the woods. The ones that live in Center City. Yeah, they drink at U-Bar. They drink at U-Bar in Center City. They're like, hey fella. They don't live in the woods. Hey fella.
00:35:44
Speaker
Hey little one, hey snuggles, hey snuggles, hey cupcake, hey, hey cupcake. I went and had drinks in the city last weekend. Have you ever made it with a bear? I don't like that. I don't know, there's a bear in there. I like these like- I like these like- You like to be the bear. I like that, well no, I don't do the bear thing, I don't do like the whole like.
00:36:07
Speaker
You don't like being a bear? No. What, are you a cub? No, no. No, I'm like a, I'm like a fucking like, I'm like a, I'm like a porpoise. I'm like a porpoise. I'm like a fucking, I'm like a tortoise. You're like, I'm like an emperor penguin. I'm like a hair, I'm like a hairless guy. I don't have a lot of hair. I'm not a very hairy guy. I'm a beluga. Yeah. Like a baby beluga. A baby beluga. In the sheets. She, I'm a fucking beluga in the sheets. I'm a starfish in the sheets. No, I'm like a, I'm like a young tuna.
00:36:36
Speaker
Like bear like bears like when people say bear, I think of like a hairy like leather dad. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I'm not into that. Yeah, that's like a leather. I'm not into that. But I know where they I know where they drink at. Yeah. It's a fucking water. Hold up. It's a bottle. They drink out of the bottle.
00:36:55
Speaker
They either have a dumpster behind the Popeyes on 17th and Walmart. One time I set my picnic basket down. Yeah, they steal pies out of windows in South Philly. A bunch of gay bears stealing pies out of South Philly windows.
00:37:13
Speaker
I used to love the Charmin Bear commercial because my mom was like, ugh, why would they show dingleberries on the bears? I'm like, they're cartoon bears. They're cartoon bears. They're cartoon bears. And yeah, I have dingleberries, too. Oh, they would use to show dingleberries, though, on the bears? Yeah, the bear whose little pieces of toilet paper wasn't the dingleberries. That's dingleberries. No, that's TP. Dingleberries.
00:37:34
Speaker
But across the street, across the street from the bear bar, there's a fucking witch bar. Fuck. Called the cauldron. Of course, it's called the cauldron. And you know I had the fucking go in there. Yeah. What's the fucking weight limit to get in there? I barely got in. I barely got in. Too light. They were like, you want to have some? Too light to get in. Why don't you go get something to eat and come back? Yeah, they were like. They told me to go get something to eat. Yeah, they told Jim, they go, you have slim. Get us some of your cookies and listen to fucking win here. You'll be given a couple of weeks. Yo.
00:38:06
Speaker
Yeah, Jim goes to the cauldron to be skinny yeah, I go into the culture and I walked in and like I Was getting the only fucking nightclub that has pot roast at it
00:38:19
Speaker
Was looking I was just waiting. I wanted someone to stir something like this Yeah, they have like a whole different definition of a little something it's like a pot roast the fucking hole would roll I'll be sick as fuck of a DJ dressed up as a witch and started spinning in this
00:38:38
Speaker
Can I get a rebel vodka and four potato buns? Just straight up potato buns? Can I get a rebel soda and a bottle of elixir?
00:38:51
Speaker
You could fit a whole family of four, like one of them fishneds, dude. Dude. Fucking just insanity. School of fish. I've never even been there, and I know for a fact that all three of us are way too small to be in there. I literally went, I was just having one drink. I was just having one drink. I was out and about, and we were having drinks, and I was like- Did you fly in? I flew in. Did you ride a fucking vacuum? I rode a broom.
00:39:19
Speaker
but we were sitting at the bar and we turned around because I wanted to see like this this fucking party of like eight walked in and they were like well they walked in and were like well here for the experience like they were like here they have like a whole thing they do like you order like the
Workplace Food Dynamics
00:39:36
Speaker
like the thing it's like a it's like a drink with like dry ice in it it's literally like they put like no they actually heat up I'm like it was actually fucking blood it was a million it was a million freaking fucking dollars yeah
00:39:48
Speaker
It was a million freaking dollars to watch them like heat up like this thing. And then like I literally watched them like I knew exactly what they were going to do. They were heating up this like thing and it started bubbling. And then he was like, then you pour it into the thing and it changes color. And then we put the dry ice and then it's like blah.
00:40:04
Speaker
And then are the other way and I've literally are they like into the voice? Oh my god The one dude was like you could see him like do the skit and then turn around and be like I Got court like he watched he watch yeah He watched like he watched his party eight walk in like they were like it was like on the later side of the night And like I could tell like he was like what is 8,000 pounds. He was what?
00:40:27
Speaker
He was walking like he was wanted out like he was wanted out. He was walking. He's done the one magic. I'm trying to wind down. Honestly, I'm trying to wind down. I'm trying to wind down honestly. I'm just trying to kick back and wind down a little bit down a little bit. Yeah, so I'm just like basically eavesdropping on this like party of eight just like listening to them talk and like laughing at everything they're saying like I'm just like
00:41:00
Speaker
It was like Asian nerds and it was like, it was like tech dudes and like fat monsters. Yeah. I thought it was a strictly monster. I thought it was a monster, but the monsters, like monsters down there, they're, they work in like, they have good jobs. So like they get like these like weird skinny dudes, a couple more weeks. They'll be coming out of their holes to feed. Yeah. They've emerged. They've emerged. They've emerged. They ran out of berries like mid March. Yeah.
00:41:21
Speaker
I wish everything was covered in chocolate.
00:41:29
Speaker
Now they're just sitting at the bar licking up each other's mats. They came out in perfect time so they can start eating the fucking cicadas. I haven't heard any cicadas. Good job, fatties. Big draw, fatties. I haven't heard a cicada one yet. Big girls are putting a fucking cicadas in a wrap.
00:41:45
Speaker
It's so funny when you watch like a like a really big chick eat something really small. It's like it's like I'm just it's performative. It's performative. It's performative. It's like small eating from a visibly fat person is strictly performative. It means that they have a crush on someone or want to fuck. I do it around. Yeah, I do it too.
00:42:05
Speaker
Though like I won't fucking destroy something in front of people that I unless I really know them. Oh, yeah, yeah Everything is big back now like big back. I was at work like we got fucking we got a hoagie tray Everybody in my back everybody in my company got like tens of thousands of dollars in bonuses They dropped a hoagie tray on the warehouse on the guys. Yeah, but listen we got the hoagies for you They can get away with it cuz what are you guys gonna do?
00:42:33
Speaker
Well, we know you guys are hungry. Well, I got like, I tried, I tried every hoagie. There was 10 different hoagies. So I got a slice of every hoagie and they were like, whoa, that's a lot. And I was like, all right, man. I was numb.
00:42:50
Speaker
In my mouth. I'm actually going to eat it. I'm going to put it, ah, I mean it. Say nothing. Say nothing. I think it's funny. Oh, I'm going to put it in my mouth. Oh, no. No, it's the first one. No, no, it's the first one.
00:43:07
Speaker
Ten's not even that much for like catering hoagies cuz like catering hoagies they cut them up into like such small pieces There's all different types. I wanted to try every single. Yeah, I wanted to try I wanted every single one of my work I worked all year for it. They're like I worked all fucking year for John wants There's a fucking snack box that they bring in like a variety pack they put in the break room I grabbed one bag of fudge stripes they were like What did he get them all?
00:43:32
Speaker
What, did he fucking get them all? Ah, great, so... And I'm like, cool, I'll just eat my fucking stapler then. I'll eat my hand. Cool, I actually will never fucking eat in this building ever again. Damn, dude, it's like they're intentionally making guys fight for scraps.
00:43:46
Speaker
Literally how it is. Oh, I mean, of course they could pump us with Doritos and cases of Mountain Dew. And then if we do good, we get a hoagie tray at the end of the year. Yes, sir. Everyone's like, are you ready for the tray? I'm like, no. I'm like, no, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. Are you ready for the tray, John? John's not ready for the tray. Yeah, I am. I'll take his.
00:44:09
Speaker
Like that's literally like, John's not ready for the trade guys. He's like, you know, getting paid in meat and cheese is the funniest thing I've ever dealt with at a job. Yeah, there's a currency is the funniest thing I've ever paid like a Labrador. I did the, I literally did the funniest thing at work and I didn't have any of my boys to see how funny it was except for this one Puerto Rican dude. I literally took the Turkey out of the thing. It was counted up like cash.
00:44:32
Speaker
And he was like fucking dying But like everyone else like what are you doing? I'm like I'm fucking doing the funniest thing ever actually I just counted out slices of turkey like it was my bonus in front of my boss my boss is like I'm like alright dude. I got you know what else we got. I was telling him you know we got for our Christmas bonus $20 to Walmart
00:44:53
Speaker
Better than nothing. Give me nothing. Give me nothing. Now I have to spend $20 on Walmart. Now I have to go to Walmart. Which, by the way, it's not even a pack of socks now. Oh, I thought Walmart. I had to pay the difference. I remember. I had to pay $6 difference on the socks. I remember when fucking $20, you used to walk into Walmart. $26 for socks. $20 in Walmart, man. What was it? You were really far, George. Yeah, you were like, yeah, it was me, Babe Ruth. Yeah.
00:45:23
Speaker
It was me, Babe Ruth, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, we were all going there. The $20 to Walmart, my boss goes, he goes, for all your hard work, Merry Christmas. And I was like, I thought about getting him what I could get with $20 at Walmart. Like I get him like toothpicks, bubble tape.
00:45:44
Speaker
A magazine Ferrero Rocher in line? Yeah. Oh, an impulse Ferrero Rocher? Yeah. That is exclusively, exclusively for the exquisite fads, dude. Boop. Boop. Boop. If a fat guy's willing to bend down to get a Ferrero Rocher in line at a Walmart... Yo, he too big for you, bro, like... Yo, I saw a dude grab a paper a while while in the morning and throw a cow tail behind his ear.
00:46:10
Speaker
And the worst part I would literally was in all of them, you know what the worst part about it was I grab the tape I grab the fucking Delco times for my dad If you hold it under the scanner throw it under the ear you can only complete that with a fucking to the fucking
00:46:34
Speaker
The cashier, so they know you're fucking awesome. Yeah, that guy's awesome. You put a cow tail behind as you're a guy's fucking awesome. Yeah A quote from the reporter the news reporter came in as a direct came in he put a cow tail behind ears He's fucking awesome guys went fucking great. Everyone is fucking awesome. Guys fucking awesome. Guy's fucking awesome. Guy's fucking awesome. He's the best. I am gonna start normalizing fucking
00:46:59
Speaker
Guys, fucking awesome. I am going to start like the next like the next time we get a hoagie tray, like I am going to like dish out like like I'm going to literally put the turkey in my wallet in front of my boss.
Generational Reflections and 9/11 Memories
00:47:09
Speaker
Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You know what? I forgot that I could pay Pico a fucking turkey. I forgot that Pico takes turkey payment. Thank you so much. I appreciate this so much. If you put turkey in your wallet, like that's the funniest thing I ever did. Just take it and put it right in my wallet. Thank you so much.
00:47:28
Speaker
I really appreciate it. Holy shit, that is so cool. Couple pepperoni coins for the console, for the center console. 250. Yeah, 250. When they hit the beta, toll pepperoni toll. We need to fucking try that out and see if that works, dude. That'd be a good Patreon idea. We go through the easy pass and just drop pepperoni in the thing. Throw pepperoni in there. They're like, get the fuck back here right now. I just drive and take the arm off the easy pass. We'll probably have to pay like so much in damages.
00:47:57
Speaker
We jam the coin that's where the guy from the news shows up to like we get arrested for throwing pepperoni in the toll box and Then we take the arm off and get arrested. I see those fucking off fucker. That's fucking awesome. It's same guy That's my schizophrenic guy I just see them taking shit now flush fucking off fucking off
00:48:22
Speaker
There's always a there's a psychotic dude doing an interview for something you just did and that's my favorite part of the day Yeah, I have a guy on the news talk about some mundane thing I did. Yeah, I just seen him on James the Stablegun. He's fucking awesome. Fucking awesome. Fucking awesome. Fucking love him. Love him. I uh. Love that guy. Working hero. I love work dude. I know you do. I love work. I fucking know you do. I love work man.
00:48:46
Speaker
I love he said I love I love being like I love the entire side. I love being tired. Everyone's like we're all tired spending so much time with them. We're all not spending enough time with us. You're tired. I'm tired. I'm 58. I'm I'm like, yeah, but you're an idiot for working here with that. You think about that. You ever think about doing porn? It's your fault. Your fault. You should have done porn. You should have been a hot girl and did only fans.
00:49:13
Speaker
Oh yeah. Dipshit. You should have been. I was, I was talking about like buying houses with like my buddy the other day and we were like,
00:49:21
Speaker
I was like, yeah, the biggest crime people my age is not being born 40 fucking years ago. Dumbasses. It's literally all our fault. Dumb shits. Yeah. I should have been there to make my dad cream pie my mom way earlier. Way earlier. My dad should have knocked my mom when he was like 17, so by now, I'd be fucking like... My parents should have done everything differently. I could be crotchety. Wait, wait, wait. Are you grooming your parents? I should have groomed my dad to fuck my mom deeper back then.
00:49:45
Speaker
Back to the future at time where she wrote him in the really Creek State Park He should have just not pulled out and I would have been a lot more success. I had a real story Where would you want to go? No, no, I don't know how much earlier would you want to learn? Huh? How much earlier would you want to be born? We'd be born in like 1980 1980s. Yeah, 80 and you'll be good Graduate high school 99 2,000. Yeah 1980 yeah, give me like give me like you'll be an adult when I was born pretty much. Yeah, I
00:50:14
Speaker
You'll be in college when 9-11 happens. Yeah, can I be old enough to at least see 9-11? Can I enjoy it like the rest of the fucking world did? You'll be like those NYU students that's solid on accident. Yeah, can I enjoy 9-11 like the rest of the world did? That's another thing that makes older people not like us. Let me be born in 70.
00:50:30
Speaker
70 yeah black Sabbath just fucking debuted that one's on top of the world Hendrix is about to die Let me be born in 70 hell yeah, and then your parents were born in like the 50s My mom was born in 57 and my teens are like late 80s early 90s Oh, so you want like a mullet in Lake George? Yeah, yeah, I know right and that cup we do our generation is better though Yeah, I'm talking about what that cup
00:50:56
Speaker
Oh yeah, the cup that everyone remembers. That cup? Yeah, the fuck jerry cup. Yeah, fuck jerry cup. It's literally the fuck jerry cup. It's literally the fuck jerry cup. It used to be like the roller rink cup. That cup? I don't know the cup. You know that cup? If you googled that cup... Because I don't know the cup, I go, you know that cup? I said that cup and you knew. That's like how my dad describes Russell Brand. He's like, you know that guy with the hair? I'm like, Russell Brand? He's like, yeah, how'd you know? I'm like, all right. That cup? I'm very...
00:51:25
Speaker
this cup. Oh, this cup. Okay. I knew this cup. Oh yeah. I knew this cup. Yeah. He made out with a lot of like made in like every pizza parlor pizza parlor pizza parlor pizza parlor. Yeah. That's where you go to a pizza parlors or pizza parlors anymore.
00:51:41
Speaker
I used to fucking hate if people like you know like this generation This next generation is gonna be learning about 9-11 as a history That's not a fucking deep thought. Yeah, it was it also was a history lesson to us because I don't fucking remember it I'm freaking out. I remember I'm crying. It's about it
00:52:16
Speaker
I'm not moving fast enough. What did you do this time? What did you do this time? Well, they hit the World Trade Center. They're obviously going to hit the fucking, they're obviously going to hit the fucking, uh, the Stratford Court in East Lansdown. Obviously they're going to find, that's their next target.
00:52:26
Speaker
I
Protest Experiences and Chaos
00:52:29
Speaker
What do you think the safety stand downs were like, like on a local county level? Dumb as fuck. Everyone acting like retards. Yo, I'm not going into the big Wawa. I'm not going in there. I saw activity. That's suspect number one.
00:52:32
Speaker
remember, I remember I was eating a spinach bagel in my grandma's house and all of a sudden I was a fucking terrorist. All of a sudden I'm a terrorist. All of a sudden she's beating my ass back.
00:52:43
Speaker
I saw some activity in there. Yeah, I saw a fucking I saw a couple black beards Just saying people were doing I'm not saying anything, but I'm I'll say that much people were doing it in Havertown during the fucking riots I know that was the funniest thing Havertown ever did was literally living on the Facebook fucking Havertown community group Havertown Batman there would be like two black. Yeah, there's literally a bunch of Havertown everywhere we were posted up on upland with our fucking gang and
00:53:11
Speaker
Yeah, there you can post you can catch me pose it up all Eagle Road my fucking fucking gang We're literally doing a drill rap laser video like laser gun, but I went to the fucking March the BLM March Oh my god I'm a warrior
00:53:31
Speaker
No, every time I think about that march, I think about the picture. The picture's amazing. I wanted everyone to know that I stowed for blacks. Hell yeah, dude. No, the picture of your girlfriend hugging the fucking... Oh, so touching.
00:53:45
Speaker
So touching. I literally died 10 times. I'm like, does this girl love fucking black people or what? Or what? Do we fucking love black people or what? Look, we didn't kill her. We didn't kill her. I didn't kill George Floyd. I was right here hugging a black girl. I wasn't doing it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
00:54:02
Speaker
I love 50 Cent. Sell Lucy's outside of my house. I don't care. Yeah, I don't give a shit. Get all your friends. Sell Lucy's outside of my house. I think we need 10 more vape shops. Yeah, fine. My porch could be a safe injection site. Fine, fine, fine. But once we started marching, once we took to the fucking streets, that's when real change started. Oh my God. You're making history there, every step. Brother, by the time I got to the end, my pants were around my knees.
00:54:28
Speaker
I was sagging my pants. No, I'm just kidding. I was going down Darby Road, and halfway through Darby Road, the racist came out. Oh, shit, there's a race lawyer. Now the delusional libs, I'm walking with the delusional libs, and now the fucking, the delusional, like, raps are coming up, dude. Oh, my God. Pubs? The pubs are hitting hard. Pub pounders? I see this big fat, like, fucking red racist dude with a mustache and missing front teeth.
00:54:57
Speaker
It's going boom fuck yeah, this is the boom fuck Yeah, put up two middle finger Fuck yeah, and his legs were chapped in red all expand. Oh, yeah failure
00:55:15
Speaker
Yeah, like somebody like he literally got up out of a chair for the first time in five years Honey, I don't think you should get up and he was like, I gotta tell these motherfuckers And his wife owned a hair salon in Havertown and she was like you fucking cry baby black pieces of shit I was like, oh shit Like I'll have fight them fight them get into it. Let's fucking jump this bitch right now. Oh
00:55:42
Speaker
I was like a cab pussy. I was like a cab pussy Yeah, I'm on tiktok. I fucking ate a rubber boy. You're alive. You're alive. You're alive, bitch. You're alive. I hope you like being live you bigot whore con There were some trust phone kids down in the city that were like oh my god, but
00:56:04
Speaker
Please shoot me in the pussy with a rubber bullet. Please make me famous. Make me lemur. Make these camo pants worth it. That's Sheckley. She got shot in the pussy by a beanbag. Acab bitch. Acab fat. Yeah, that's literally how it is. Yeah. But they're heroes. But they're heroes. That march, it was touching. Remember when our co-workers touched Starbucks? Remember seeing the real racist was actually more entertaining than being on the right side of history.
00:56:32
Speaker
We had a coworker. That's why we all went. We had a coworker at Starbucks that made the front page of the news for throwing a fucking brick. Oh, my God. Was that a... Remember that? I remember when everything was happening. The same person. When everything was happening, that person walked up to my boss and goes, um, just to be completely honest with you, on a black level, shit's going down and I need to deploy. On a black level? Ah, that's the point. And I said, I was like, I go, I go, like, to Fallujah or fucking...
00:57:04
Speaker
I gotta deploy. I shit my ass off when I heard that. I took a 45 minute shit after I heard that. Jim just shit his pants because he had a bad breath. I had to deploy as well. I shit my fucking pants. I don't give a fuck what happened in the world. I gotta shit my pants. I gotta deploy. I gotta deploy. I salute you. Thank you. On a black level, I have to deploy. I should have been like, you know what? I also have to deploy. My brother. Having to deploy. I had to deploy too, my brother. I'm deploying.
00:57:27
Speaker
or like talking like chest on stream.
00:57:34
Speaker
Wait, I can get paid? I'm gonna get paid to be black. I'm gonna get paid on deployment. I'm gonna get on deployment. I'm gonna get paid on deployment.
00:57:51
Speaker
Honestly, no cap. I have to deploy. On a black level is so funny. A lot of black levels are the funniest things. I remember my manager going lower. She was on a black level. Bring it down here when you say that. He was on a black level. She both went under to look. They both went under his hand to look. Come under the black level. Let's talk.
00:58:11
Speaker
I have to deploy. I have to deploy. Bring it into a black level. I have to deploy. I have to deploy is so fucking funny. It's fucking insane. It's so fucking funny. I got a letter from a Nigerian prince I have to go. You know what's funny? Five minutes later, this person lived behind the Starbucks in the apartments. So you can see that window to Westchester Pike. I see them run out. They grab their invaders in backpack.
00:58:41
Speaker
And it's hard to run when you have like platform boots with zippers all over He's jangling all the way out of Starbucks and then like not even five minutes later I see him zooming up the street on one of his little e scooter. Oh my gosh deploy literally deploying riding off into the sunset You saw gay deployment I literally saw a gay guy join the gay army
00:59:06
Speaker
Thank you for your service. They literally drafted him. But wait, why did he throw the brick?
00:59:13
Speaker
No, this is the other one. Oh, it's another one. The other one threw a brick? Yeah, the trans one threw a brick. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, that's right. They made the fucking news game. You got photographs throwing a fucking brick like a girl. Like a girl. Yeah. And I know for a fact they've made it look like I know. He knows how to throw. You can't unforget how to throw a fucking brick like a man. He played baseball his whole fucking life until he started taking E.
00:59:39
Speaker
Yeah, literally, it was literally Chase Utley. Literally Chase Utley, you're not fooling anybody. But then that person turned the protests into a homeless encampment, which lasted for weeks that they couldn't shut down. I loved getting updates on that. Oh, and then eventually I asked him, I'm like, what's going on? He's like, well, I'm joining the ranks and I'm becoming an organizer or whatever. And then the one day he came in like crying. He goes, they came into the camp last night with shields and horses.
01:00:06
Speaker
That time like it's 5 a.m. It's 5 a.m.. They literally went full like curdle tap into
01:00:13
Speaker
They were like, did he die? That stupid little they. You, and that farm, and that dumb little they. Imagine, I know it's funny, if I was like, just rounding on me. I don't hate trans people or anything, but I know for a fact, if my chief of police is like, do you want to ride a horse through this fucking encampment? I would be like, can I bounce off the fucking heads? Ride a horse through any crowd would be fucking sick. You're the cavalry, dude. You're fucking coming in like this.
01:00:43
Speaker
Imagine a fucking, imagine using a trans lasso. Just a lit, just fucking. Too many of them have bondage kings. They'd fucking love it. They'd love it. They all start coming everywhere. I handcuffed them all, but they came everywhere. They just got coming. They just got coming. It flooded the streets. It's like a squid when they try to escape. One request that I lasso him from his nipples. He's like, the neck kind of hurts, but can you use my nipples?
01:01:10
Speaker
But that encampment was really funny, because I swear to God, I'm pretty sure they literally, like, they hired Gravedigger from Monster Jam.
01:01:18
Speaker
He burned it. He went in and ripped the doughnut and just took out a half of the gay population going up here.
Homeless Encampment Commentary
01:01:24
Speaker
He literally buried every game. They're like, what are they building that dirt ramp for? The cops started to say they just started building a dirt ramp. The city hasn't bothered us in a few days. But this weird monument ramp-like structure has appeared. Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. What?
01:01:45
Speaker
Fucking talent dude Michael nutters down there Michael nutters eating a fucking like a slim Jim. We're in a fucking monster jam that he's like That was very funny the first problem was I'm pretty sure they built the encampment on the baseball field in front of the art museum and the baseball team was like They were like, all right, we'll move so these kids can play baseball, you know I mean even the marchers really even the blacks said he could play. Yeah, just Jackie Robinson was down there
01:02:15
Speaker
Yeah, but they moved always to the kids and they're like uh-uh like like the kids play and they had signs up They were like fashion baseball's fascist people. Yeah baseball's fascist Shut up, isn't that what Martin Luther King dream for? Martin Luther King dreamed about black people white people eating funnel cake together at a baseball game. That's literally what he dreamt about That's literally what he's talking about and he dreamt about big orgies. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's what he meant
01:02:42
Speaker
But it was funny because the person I was working with, they had an attendance problem because they were showing up late because they decided to do sleep in a fucking bag under the batting cage in front of the art museum. That field right there. They were like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sleep deprived. I'm like, go home. Go sleep in your bed. You're going to lose that fight.
01:03:07
Speaker
They have... Monster Jam! They're calling Monster Jam up! They're sending Gravedigger to the faggot F. Yeah, they're sending Gravedigger to the party and he's going to fucking dig graves. That's what he does. Dude, the homeless encampment, when they were down there... No, no, they weren't homeless, they were unhoused. Unhoused. They were voluntary victims of circumstance. Remember we wrote a whole song? I'm not fat, I'm just unskinnied. Yeah, unthinified. Unthinified.
01:03:36
Speaker
Yeah, remember when you wrote that song? Voluntary victims of circumstance.
01:03:43
Speaker
We drove past it and John was like, voluntary victims of circumstance. They're volunteering to be bums. It's so annoying. It's fun to play bum when literally your dad is the senator. Yeah, it's like, hold on, my dad's golfing. I'll call him in 10 minutes for 500 bucks. Yeah, no, honestly. And he supports the cause. He's not one of those boomers that just throws money at stuff like he actually cares.
01:04:11
Speaker
He actually cares. He actually golfs with a black guy now. He's like half black. He works with a black guy now. He's like half black, but it's like huge for them. He didn't call Kamala Harris the N word last night on TV. So I think he's growing. I think he's growing as a person. That's his character. Voluntary victims of circumstance. Voluntary. I love them. Just fucking surrendering.
01:04:40
Speaker
When they surrender, they're, ugh, when they surrender, like. They're like, fine. They said, so, like, I was getting updates the entire time, and this person was coming into Starbucks and telling me that last night they had somebody from the police come in dressed as a homeless guy came in and stabbed everybody.
01:04:59
Speaker
This dude, I literally said to this person, I was like, I'm like, you mean like Michael Myers? They said like a Michael Myers in there. He's like, they came in with a huge kitchen knife and stabbed someone. I'm pretty sure they work for the cops. Totally couldn't be an insane drug addict. No, the cops were actually like sitting there. They're literally holding billy clubs, like beating, they're like bashing cardboard cutouts of you right now. They're actually waiting for the green light because Mayor Kenny's like any day at this point, he's literally about to go full monster jam on you guys.
01:05:28
Speaker
He's going full fucking monster. You start hearing Kid Rock, you better get your pride flag and fucking hold it close. If you hear rolling by limp biscuit, get the fuck out of there. Get up, wake up. Get up and get the fuck out of there. Tuck your tatami mat away and get rolling queer.
01:05:44
Speaker
They had people showing up with like pots and people showing up with pots of chili to support them, and I'm like Really putting Molly in the chili so they can the rave while they nourish Funny because like you have to think like is it like imagine just being like a crackhead down there just a regular one of the no crackhead These fucking rich kids are fucking trying like it's like Coachella
01:06:07
Speaker
I'm like bobbins eggs. I'm getting fucking like dollars like Hot food yeah, he looked like a bum lived so long to see himself become the hero I knew I should have smoked crack ten years ago
01:06:24
Speaker
Bonnie, if you see me on the news, I'm thriving. I'm alive. I'm alive. Bring the kid down. Bring the fucking kids down. I got us a fucking... I got us a penthouse tent. I got a penthouse... I got a two floor tent. Come on down. I got a duplex. I'm having tin foil solar put up on the fucking tent. I got solar. I got a pan of Jiffy Pop on the roof.
01:06:49
Speaker
I got milk jugs full of iced coffee. Come on down. Come down. That's so funny. Oh man. That is funny when they piggyback. A fucking duplex tent. What is the next like, what's the next like, what's like a pub riot? What's a pub riot look like?
01:07:03
Speaker
Right they like to get flaming sticks. They like yeah, they like old-style mob They like to get real weird like old-school They like to march down the street and like Freak and they like to arrange it really badly on Facebook with all capital letters. Yeah, it's like Tonight! APM! Graveyard time!
01:07:31
Speaker
And then they all show up. And then they're all there. They're all there. It's just a Keystone Light commercial. It's literally just, yeah. It's like, wait, you mean like the greatest hang ever? Wait a second. You mean like a kegger? Yeah, we could get rid of these immigrants, but we also could just have the greatest hang. Yeah, we also just could all hang out. I mean, that's what we do. That's what we were doing. I mean, I shovel shit all day. I kind of just want to drink a couple.
01:07:59
Speaker
We're all here. We're all here. Anybody have kid rap? Anybody here got kid rap for me to
Controversial Figures and Actions
01:08:04
Speaker
chew on? Yeah, but then you get Kyle Rittenhouse, dude. Then you get a Rittenhouse on their side. That makes it and ruins it for everybody. Oh, yeah. He's a nut. He's a real life nut. Did you see him crying on the stand? Yeah, he's the greatest actor of all time. That was hilarious. He should have an Oscar. He should have an Oscar for that. He should have everything. He's a legitimate celebrity now, too, which is hilarious. You just did a podcast with David Lucas. They went trout fishing.
01:08:30
Speaker
The fuck are you doing down there they should also smacked his mom around for fucking letting him go down there, too He should be in prison don't protect the liquor store Don't protect the like we get into arguments like a listen time of work is like has people you just like just town I'm like he was 40 minutes away from that town
01:08:48
Speaker
He just wanted to use the AR he spent money on. He wanted to go play. He wanted to go act like fucking Bradley Cooper in American Sniper. He wanted to be fucking coops. Yeah. He wanted to be Bradley Cooper. He wanted to coop it up. If I had an AR, I'd be like, yeah, I want to go fucking use it. Yeah, I'm going to go use it on humans. Now, I'm going to go buy this fucking AR and put it directly in a locker for the rest of its life. Oh, if I bought an AR, I'd use it. That's why I don't buy an AR.
01:09:11
Speaker
I would like to go shoot it somewhere, like shoot guns at fucking targets and shit, like, what's the point of having a fucking gun? You're not gonna use it, you know what I mean? When he was like a teenage kid with an AR-15, it's like, you're an idiot for even buying that for your kid. What the fuck's your kid doing with a fucking AR? Lock them all up, honestly. Lock them all up. But also, they are cool. They are pretty cool. He was found innocent, so we can't treat him like shit.
01:09:32
Speaker
No, we can't, dude. We can't. Feel free to come on anytime you want, Kyle. Get over here, Kyle. We need you. We love you, buddy. We love you, buddy. Stay safe out there. Hey, don't believe what they say about you. I love that one. That's it. Don't believe it. It's like, I've never actually, never even met you, but thank you for letting me know the people who are saying things about me. Hey, I never shot a gun, but let's go shooting sometimes, you know?
01:09:55
Speaker
How about this? We'll go shooting, but instead of targets, we're just gonna have a bunch of fucking 30-year-olds hate you over there with a fucking skateboard. They were gonna kill him. Which is crazy. They had no one- I think that whole situation was completely fucked. That kid had no business being down there. He's a fucking idiot. I think he knows that now too. I think so too.
01:10:17
Speaker
He's like, I shouldn't have shot that guy. He was like, I was weird. That was weird crying. You know what else was good crying? Nicholas Cruz. Oh, I didn't see his. Did you see his interrogation, the footage? He's sitting in there and they have his brother, his adopted brother come in.
01:10:34
Speaker
And his older brother's like, you know, man, like, honestly, like, just stay strong. You know, you got to take this on the chin. Nicholas Cruz is like, OK. And then they bring the FBI agent and the FBI agent's like, then he starts that crazy. He's acting like he's possessed by a demon.
01:10:52
Speaker
And he's like, he's like, she's like trying to like, he's like checking his skin. He's like, it's in there, it's in there. And he's like, what's in there? And he's like, there's a demon following me. And he's like, oh, you got a demon following you? Why'd you listen to the demon? Why'd you listen to yourself? Like the cops are gonna follow me kind of thing. And then like Nicholas Cruz goes, I want to speak to my attorney.
01:11:15
Speaker
Does the demon have money for that demon you went in and shot a fuck ton of kids and because you're white the cops took in McDonald's afterwards
01:11:32
Speaker
Damn. They literally did. Yeah. What did he get is my question. Life. He got out. No, I'm at McDonald's. Fucking the gangbang. Yeah. Take a McDonald's on either side of a McChicken. It'd be funny if you got a happy meal. He was ironic, right? Yeah. All right. I think this could be a place to cut it. Yeah. All right, boys. Love you.