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EP 12: F***in' Bangin'
124 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Machete Street Fights, Beach Sunrises & Sunsets, and The Things TJ does for Love.
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Transcript
The Freedom of Multiple Jobs and Hairstyles
00:00:05
Speaker
I think when you get I think when you have four I think you four different jobs You can have whatever you like you literally want to do
00:00:20
Speaker
You can do whatever you want to do. You can have whatever you like. You like. Welcome back to another episode of Close to Hell. Episode 12. Episode 12 of Close to Hell. TJ's got a new fucking haircut, dude. Yeah, I like that. Holy shit. Supreme Leader style. You look good. You look good. And you're getting jacked. Thank you.
00:00:39
Speaker
Yeah, you look like you would sentence a family member to death for looking at your own. Holy fucking shit. You look good. You're getting ready for the Fourth of July. I can tell.
Weight Fluctuations and Treats
00:00:47
Speaker
Yeah, I am. I'm going to be. How good does that feel when you get all American like that? I feel fucking fantastic. They feel good. I feel like I gained all the weight and then now I'm just losing it. And then every year it's a patty pimblet. It's a patty pimblet situation. I'll be fat and happy. I'll be fat and happy.
00:01:04
Speaker
I say that every time I open up a fucking easter egg, the fucking Reese's Easter Egg, I'm like, I thought it'd be fault in the hot bath. You had a Reese's Easter Egg this year? I don't like them usually, but I like them this year. I don't like them usually. I don't like them usually. I'm not supposed to do this. Yeah, people believe that. I'm not supposed to do this. Are you a strawberry guy? Is that why? They gave me chips, but I ordered an apple.
00:01:25
Speaker
Yeah, the sideways. I've been trying to hide treats on myself, but I'm hiding them so I know exactly where they're at. You're doing your own Easter Bunny? If someone else hid them, you'd be like, I'll punch you in the fucking mouth if you don't get away with my fucking product, dude.
Haircuts and Fashion Memories
00:01:38
Speaker
That's a hit. I know a solution for that. You just got to get blackout drunk so you forget where you put them. Fuck. Yeah, you put them in my body, I ate them.
00:01:46
Speaker
Would you get your haircut? This Korean lady in 69th Street. Yeah old family friend of mine or my parents you said give me the supreme leader. Yeah I'm gonna look like I've cut my uncle's fucking head off. Give me the kid and play dude. Yeah, you know it's a nice fade Give me something that like I love Dennis Rodman look Nice fade for the K fade
00:02:10
Speaker
Yeah, I was trying to go for hey honestly. I didn't know I was going for I took my glasses off And I'm just like you go crazy I'm not working. Oh, it's a surprise Nothing nothing better than a nice fade and I mean I love getting a fade I've never gotten a fade in my life. No because you have like fucking like groan chair like groan guy
00:02:33
Speaker
Grunge? Yeah, you're grunge. I'm not grunge. You're pretty grunge. You do have very weird hair. Because you dress up nice, but you have grunge hair, you're like corporate grunge. Corporate grunge? Yeah, you're like corporate grunge. Surfer grunge? Yeah. Surfer grunge.
00:02:47
Speaker
You're like office grunge? Yeah, yeah, office grunge. Yeah, office grunge. Yeah, like a fucking, like a chain stapler. Yeah, you're like break room grunge. Yeah, that's my, that's my, like, that's my fucking outfits. You did have a buzz cut. No, you got, you went, I got the fake king. Yeah, oh my God. He went, we were working at Starbucks and he went around the corner. I got a cheapo. I got a cheapo to get Mario's. Oh, Mario. He got a cheapo cut from, what'd you get from Rita? Did you get the reader? I got Mario. Oh.
00:03:14
Speaker
Yeah, I have Mario who doesn't have hands three hair Mario has a comb jammed in his fucking amputated hand They got three fucking haircuts at that place They got the retired cop the retired bus driver and the fucking kickball king Jim came back. I had to get the kickball king I Jim literally look like a bully from the 80s.
Hair Maintenance Challenges
00:03:30
Speaker
Yeah, it's the It's the Biff Tannen haircut literally. Yeah Biff Tannen fucking
00:03:35
Speaker
Flat-top. Yeah, dude. That was so goddamn funny, dude. I got literally I was giving Marty McFly the business Is that the haircut that you have in like the old photo for your standup photos? No, no, no that Rachel Maddow Yeah, that's the fucking yeah Yeah, that's my haircut like in like a day like in GTA. Yeah, I could go just fix my I would kill to have long hair I can't commit to it. Yeah, it's a lot of work. I grew up my hair and I like I
00:04:04
Speaker
Like, maintenance on that was just too much. Yeah. I don't think I'll ever do it again. You had a ponytail. Yeah, you had a low pony. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever do it again. Dude, that was sick. Really? Yeah. You looked amazing. You should've went no pony. You should've just let it all hang out. All out? Yeah, but like, I'll serve you. You should've got a perm. Like, you should've got a perm. Oh, my dad, like my dad. Yeah. Oh, my god. That's the only Asian guy in the world with a perm.
00:04:26
Speaker
Yeah, your dad looks like Rarry David. A lot of Asian people love perms. I don't know why. It's because their hair is pinned straight and silky. They want that curly curly. I'll give anyone in the world curly hair if they want curly hair. I hate having curly hair. You like curly hair? You wish you had pinned straight hair? I wish I had straight, more matte, wavier hair. My hair's like a fucking Brillo pad. You have good hair. Ugh. I'd
Streaming Service Value
00:04:50
Speaker
have to let it. I should let it grow. I should let it grow all out. I mean, it keeps the Brie away.
00:04:55
Speaker
Yeah, but like I don't know fucking you get through that awkward phase for like eight months Yeah, remember remember when you used to sing it to Justin Coonley's hair Yeah, yeah Shout out Justin dude, friend of his hair Dude, his hair honestly is the reason why I always wanted an afro Because like I always wanted to have an afro but I just can't grow one I'll say this that guy's one of the funniest people on earth Oh yeah, we should have him once in time Oh yeah, dude
00:05:20
Speaker
We should exchange emails and hang out like soon. Honestly, I kind of wanted to go do like a Boston trip. Go see my boy. You want to go do a Boston trip? Yeah. Okay, called slurs. Four hours. I think it's four hours away.
00:05:32
Speaker
Yeah, Boston's really close. Eat what are they clam chowders and beans? Clam chowders, beans, have a little tea party. Why don't we do that? Tea parties. I just started watching John Adams. Oh, yeah. On HBO. Oh, my God. It's great. You're the one with the school dog with Paul Giamatti. Yeah. I didn't even know that was all in school. Yeah, it was like 2016 or whatever. No, that shit was on. I'm like two episodes in. I'm hooked. And Laura Lenny, right?
00:05:57
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. I love her. She's a PBS program, right? Oh, sorry. I didn't make a video. Yeah. HBO. Oh, really? Yeah. It's on HBO. HBO. I have Max, so. All right. Big books. I have Max, so I'm broke. Yeah. I got rid of all my streaming services. I was just like, it's too much.
00:06:15
Speaker
I only pay
Historical Figures and Humor
00:06:16
Speaker
for Macs and Netflix. I feel like those are the best. I don't have you. I've never had YouTube premium ever. Oh, I want to say the point. I'll fight through a Humira ad. I don't care. I'll say this. Peacock is worth it for the Wrestlemate. I have Peacock too. WWE pay-per-views and the WWE discography. Yeah. It's worth it. ECW. It has ECW on it. Yeah. And WCW. It's fucking phenomenal.
00:06:39
Speaker
You hear that? That's Guntsmoke. That's Guntsmoke. If you ever heard, yeah, that should be the fucking name of the pod. Guntsmoke. Guntsmoke, dude. We're like 12 episodes in. We should change the name of this. We should just fucking change now. And that's the beauty of it. You're allowed to do that. Yeah, it's artistic. We're artists. We're artists. You know what's really crazy? What? I was watching John Adams. Everybody, people had wigs for everything.
00:07:08
Speaker
A different wig for everything? Yeah, they had a different fucking wig, and they all lost their hair because of syphilis and shit like that. Men were like five foot two. Yeah. We were actually like the scourge of the Earth, like white men back then. Disgusting. They were fucking diseased, like rape. All they did was disease and rape, and they stunk. Also, they wrote important documents. They kind of wrote the document. Crazy that they were out there writing. Yeah, they had bars. They had a lot of things, but one of those things was bars.
00:07:37
Speaker
Also, back then, they used to far some tar and feather people. Oh, yeah. Tarring and feathering. Someone is the fucking worst thing I've ever heard of. You know what? Death. I feel like this is their people. Is there people that refute the formation of this country yet? Like, is there is there a conspiracy theory about how this country formed and how the like, is that all bullshit? No, I think everyone thinks those guys are the truth. They're like, no, they were they they told the truth.
00:08:03
Speaker
They stood up to the British. The British were like, is that real? Is that even real? Is that true? You know what's really crazy though? Because with the British ruling everything, that would take months to get back. Not anything. That's the whole other thing in that show. They're like doing shit and they're like, don't do that because in like 12 months, we'll find out and we'll come back. Everybody was just rebelling back then because they were like, yeah, go fucking, yeah, make the phone call. There's no phone call. It's a ship.
00:08:29
Speaker
There's no phone call. There's no fucking phone call. It's a ship. I wouldn't even go over there if I was a British guy. Imagine getting off of a fucking ship and you have 97 voicemails. Fuck. Shit. 97 pigeons waiting. Yeah. 97 pigeons waiting. A fucking pigeon with a fucking full mailbag. Yeah, it's about time. Yeah, fucking time. Tapping its fucking foot. Yeah. Back then, everybody, you bathed once a year, you stunk, your wife had syphilis, you had crabs. Sex didn't rule. It did rule when it was ruled with little kids.
00:08:58
Speaker
that's why like all the founding fathers were doing it they were all doing it because it was yeah ben franklin was literally fucking they're like it's hairless it's hairless it doesn't have any stink or bugs in it yet that's literally probably why yeah ben franklin's a fuck ben franklin was they were like he went over to france and he was like yo look how awesome i am they were like yeah pretty pretty like we need someone to go over there but someone's gonna have to survive all the sodomy
00:09:21
Speaker
and all of the drinking and the cheese, Ben Franklin was like that. I'll do it. I'll try my best. I'll go over there and straighten this thing out. Don't worry. I'll work it out. Whenever they had a nine-year-old French girlfriend. Yeah. God bless. Thank you, Ben, for your whole... Thank you for your... The one that got away. Yeah, and now I get to have... Here's the thing. Now I get to have a fucking McFlurry. Well, yeah, now Ben... I think I say Ben Franklin. Now I get to have a nine-year-old girlfriend. That's what I was about to say. Well, now, I mean, if he gets one, doesn't everyone get one? Yeah, wait. Doesn't everybody get one? Yeah.
00:09:51
Speaker
I don't think anyone gets one. No, I hope not anymore. I found a new pedophile hunter online that slaps the pedophiles, which is fucking awesome. He had some. He puts his hands on them and it's fucking awesome. He can go to jail. Who cares? I feel like another guy will pop up. I feel like cops can look away at that. They kind of do. They kind of do.
00:10:11
Speaker
He was like, so you think it's cool to be, how old are you? And he's like 35. And they're like, do you think it's cool to be friends with a 13-year-old boy? And he's like, why not? And the dude just fucking slapped him. Why not? I was like, he should slap him. Yeah, you can't have friends that are that old. No, you can't have a 13-year-old friend. Unless you're 13 or 14. It's not a movie from the 90s or 80s. You can't have an old guy best friend. That's just, no.
00:10:32
Speaker
I feel like that's so weird. If there was like a neighborhood, if there was like a widower or like a widow, like an old person in the neighborhood, it was like, oh, it'd be nice to that person. That's one thing, but you can't go in somebody's house. If I found out my kid was going in some dude's house, I'd be like, yo. You're like, I'd get him. I'd get
Childhood Anecdotes
00:10:50
Speaker
him first. That's crazy.
00:10:52
Speaker
It is it is weird like like remember a movie called Harry at the spy no I do know then I've heard Nickelodeon movie is that redhead chick I forget her fucking name, but she was when she was a child actor She plays like a spy and their neighbor is Rosie O'Donnell And she has all the neighborhood kids come into her house all the time And she has this like little like glass bottle like art museum thing But they're like always in and out of her house They like stop in her house for like advice like if I went into some random adults house my parents would have fucking killed me and
00:11:22
Speaker
Like I'm not like you can't have a fucking adult friend. No That's where I draw the line me and this girl that I was friends with when I lived in Abu Dhabi We were walking around the neighborhood one day and there was just one of our neighbors had like chickens and uh
00:11:38
Speaker
Like we were like we like the dude was outside We asked him if we could like see the chickens and like we went into his yard Whoa and like we were both in his yard like talking to the chickens and then he like asked us who we wanted something to drink So he went in his house and like by the time like we came out of the house There was like five sets of parents like from the neighborhood that were like in his yard like coming to get us like it was crazy Oh shit what?
00:12:00
Speaker
Someone like someone saw us in the yard. Yeah, and then like a phone call so they got made Oh chicken man's acting up. Yeah, there's a chicken man and like we were it was so funny cuz like literally it was nothing But like the whole neighborhood was like yo, it could have been something. It could have been something What do you have chickens for an upper Darby? Yeah, what do you fucking chicken? Fucking eggs. I mean, I want a fresh egg. I'm a capital of the world
00:12:26
Speaker
I'm sorry because it's important to have you live in the omelet capital of the fucking world how do you think Lanard diner operates why do you think that perfect why do you think that Perkins was able to build a fucking shed have Perkins is like literally like like you go into that Perkins you can watch someone die you're there for like eight hours you just watch someone die there my great-grandfather has to be 80 to get in
00:12:51
Speaker
Oh, I thought it was like kind of like a waffle house situation where like people just fight, but it's just a different kind of death. This is all people dying. Just slowly eating their breakfast. Did you want to go? I don't know if I sent this into the group chat today, boys, but I saw a video of two guys fighting with machetes. Desmond sent that and the guy sent that.
Viral Videos and Social Commentary
00:13:12
Speaker
I think I sent it to Jake. I saw I sent it to Jake.
00:13:15
Speaker
That's how it just gets around. You've got to share violence with the boys, right? Yeah. That fucking video, always. That fucking video. I didn't like it, but the ending was nice. The ending was crazy. The comments cracked me the fuck off. Oh, I know. Can you give me a hand with that real quick? Anyone else got it? Can someone give me a hand real quick? You walked away so upset. The one comment I have so hard. That's why you don't slap a machete. You can't block a machete with your hands.
00:13:43
Speaker
It's a knife gun. It's a fucking huge knife. It's like if a knife was a gun. That's the one thing that talks about the internet. That's not the first machete fight I've seen. Now. I've seen worse ones. Yeah, I've seen one where it's like literally there was like two guys on motorcycles. This was on Facebook. And what's funny is I reported it and they were like, we don't see anything that should be taken down. I was like, what the fuck?
00:14:03
Speaker
How does this work so the sword fight so two dudes on motorcycles are literally just like getting their helmets on like leaving like a restaurant and they're putting their fucking helmets on to leave and Literally a van pulls up and out of the back of the van comes six dudes with machetes And they just chop them up on the bikes, and they're just both like laying dead on the bikes And I was like hey, it's 8 a.m.. On a Monday. Why am I seeing this work? Thanks? I'm gonna have a great day now. I'm literally having a fucking like
00:14:28
Speaker
I got off I got off watch like following all that crazy shit like I would follow shit on like Instagram like Reddit It would be like a horrible murder. I'm like why am I watching this? It's crazy that the curation of my Facebook like it was my old Facebook Like from when I was like 11 when I got it. Yeah, that's
00:14:46
Speaker
I'm like, this is what I've consumed for so long that this is what my brain is like. This is the mix. This is what my brain's entertained by. My new algorithm is pretty cursed as well, but that's just because our group chat is so infectious. We got one guy that sends you fucking cringey Indian memes, and the other people will just drop something extremely violent in there to see something horrible. And then every once in a while, a cute cat video. Yeah.
00:15:16
Speaker
I try to bless my algorithm. I share Isaac videos of the San Antonio Zoo. Dude, crunching lettuce? I'm like, yo, more of that in my fucking feed. I will say, though, I still like a great fight. A nice fucking entertaining internet fight. I like a fight with a lot of people. I don't care about a one-on-one.
00:15:34
Speaker
I like a big fight. Like if someone films a fight at like a car meetup, like a fucking boardwalk, you know what I mean? Like a nasty fucking brawl. Did you see that video that dude threw the beer off the roof and hit that girl in the face? No. Oh my god.
00:15:47
Speaker
You need to see this video of this girl. You should post the link. Post the link in this fucking video. I will send you the video. I think I love fights that have good justice in them. You know what I mean? Yeah, someone's really picking on a guy, he gets fucking knocked out. Have you seen that black chick slap the fuck by this huge ass tall white dude?
00:16:07
Speaker
No, like there's a bunch of like black chicks like in like a subway and they're just like talking shit to like this one dude And like they're being like really disrespectful. He was just like oh, yeah She tries she swaps it first, right? She shelves him and then he turns around like like the terminator slowly
00:16:24
Speaker
the best. She was so tough until he fucking slapped the shit out of her too. You don't hit people. I think you can fight girls after three shots. Three strikes, you're out. Three strikes, it's done. Yeah. I'm pretty sure Upper Derby High School has a three-hit rule. Really? Females to males, yeah. That's crazy. After three hits, it's on, sister. It is on. Equal rights and left, maybe. I don't know where the fuck it is, but it... If my girlfriend was getting beat up by two girls, I'm beating the two girls up.
00:16:50
Speaker
Yeah, I gotta help. I mean, that's like if even if I'm gonna get a bar setting or something where like this girl's like about to hit my girl from hitting the girl I don't care and they have to hit her first
00:17:00
Speaker
They have to get like they're about to hit her and I'm fucking hitting them. I don't care. I mean, I'm not fucking brain damage is a real thing. Yeah, I'm not much of a striker. I'm more of a like a holding. I'm like, I'm like, I let Athena fend for herself first. She's like, see if she squares up. She's not fighting anyone. I'm not letting my girlfriend get her fucking ass kicked. I'm going to beat the shit out of somebody. Hold on. I don't know. I feel like she could hold her own. I get the cash in my coin that one time every guy thinks about that one coin. The money in the bank briefcase. I got to fight a bar full with him.
00:17:30
Speaker
I feel like that would be fun. First move, first move point out of one of them, fat. That's like the biggest knockout. That's going to be the most effective punch, me calling them all fat. Fat! You've got to fight their boyfriend. Fuck their boyfriend, dude. They're going to be too busy picking their girlfriend up off the ground. That's where I fucking smear them. Do you think guys start more fights or girls start more fights? There are certain girls that start fights that have boyfriends, they know their boyfriends will say something.
00:17:55
Speaker
I've been places like that where like a girl is like said something to like my girlfriend My girlfriend's like what's your fucks your problem? Then they're like they say all this and then they have this like boyfriend standing right there, and I'm like boyfriend Let's leave my boyfriend. I'm like babe. Give me out here for a punch that girl that's talking to you Fucking punches girl in the face and you know sucks Sucks when people do that. I want to hit people now. I do want to see people fight though I'm gonna see a big fucking fight in the street
00:18:42
Speaker
Yeah, that's all I need now. That's all I need now. My multimedia fix comes wholesomely or it doesn't come at all. How about that? No more machete fights. I watched a dude pick up his fucking hand today. I watched a guy pick up his fucking hand today. That's insane. Would you go back for the hand?
00:18:46
Speaker
I don't like that at all.
00:19:01
Speaker
I will try. They can reattach it. You're not going to make it to the hospital in time. I'm like, well, this is my new life. I'm handless now. From that second on, I'm handless. Imagine you have a machete and then you turn around, and that dude also does. That must have been the biggest, like, fuck. Shit. How did it start? He got his licks in, because he hit him first with it. I watched it like, I watched it 1200 times.
00:19:25
Speaker
He got him first with it, and then they're both hitting each other. He caught the guy with the dreadlocks on the shoulder. No. And it was a big, deep one, because you can see him kind of yank the machete to try to get it out of his shoulder. But as the guy was falling down, he took one more swing, and the guy tried to stop the machete with his hand. And it literally just cut a clean off.
00:19:44
Speaker
Well, that's the thing. If he didn't put the hand up, he's going to lose his fucking eye or his fucking head. And then how do you pick that up? You know, how do you pick that fucking thing? I didn't know this, but one of my resolutions for 2024 is to avoid a machete fight. Yeah. And I'm doing really great so far. I've done
Forklift Certification Adventures
00:20:00
Speaker
26 years. I think I should have anti I think we should have anti resolutions.
00:20:03
Speaker
Like things that we like super know are not gonna happen. Yeah. Well, that's what my dad used to say. He used to go up for Lent. He would give up skydiving and exploring caves and be unknown. As for Lent, I gave up machete fights. Yeah. Next year for Lent. I'm sorry. I was gonna say next year for Lent, we're gonna take your dad skydiving. Yeah, we're gonna take my dad skydiving. Do you do Lent? I try, but I'm not. What did you try this year? Rent. Rent. Rent.
00:20:26
Speaker
Yeah, this year. I was trying to do like weed, but then I like really got I Want to smoke some of that grass to we go smoking grass. Yeah, it's a I'm sorry John. I don't understand why it's not federalized by this point
00:20:44
Speaker
Either way, I'm freaking forklift certified, brother. Hell yeah, baby. Either way, I'm on the forks every day, brother. Brother, he's forking up. Yo, you want to see something? You want to see a real panty driver, dude? Yeah, baby. Check this out, dude. Yes, Lord. If I can even get it out of my freaking wallet, dude. Get me out of the wallet. You got papers. You got credits. I got nothing in there. I can't even get it out, brother. Get it out of the wallet.
00:21:06
Speaker
Yeah, I wanted to take you get certified 15 minutes 15 minutes Literally 15 minutes. What do you have to do? We watched a fucking hour-long video the other day and then they they brought us out for a test, right? I've been using a forklift for a year they bring the entire fucking company out into the warehouse as a truck pulls up that I have to unload and
00:21:31
Speaker
So I have to unload a truck in front of like 30 people, and I don't put my seatbelt on. Who puts their seatbelt on in a forklift? I'm like... I'm not gay. I'm not doing jumps. Yeah, I'm not doing jumps at the warehouse, bro. I'm not doing hangs. Have you seen those like... But they're like, see that? That would have been an automatic fail right there. Automatic fail. I'm like...
00:21:51
Speaker
Fucking like wanna quit. How about that? How would I just quit instead about yeah? How about I just fucking quit? How about my podcast has like a million followers? Yeah, you guys please follow so I can stop getting awarded with hoagie trays at work. Thank you for listening Have you seen those like a forklift like?
00:22:06
Speaker
Accidents. No, not accidents, but like there's like these like shows where they're like like competitions, I guess. Yeah. Where they try to do like a more precise like turns or like precise like lifts. How well do you think you are like a forklift? I'm pretty good on a forklift. Yeah, I can move around in that thing. The way they drive forklifts to the scrapyard was the funniest dude. That's like what I had. Drifting around the corner. That's what I have to reference. Like they're like, yeah, but I'm like, yeah, but at the scrapyard, like we'd be like, so gonna say go nothing.
00:22:35
Speaker
We'd be like, you're supposed to drink, right? When you do that? Yeah. You're supposed to be drunk. That's why I thought like getting like a fucking forklift certification was like, I got it today and I was like, wow, way to go. I'm white trash. That's what this is. This is like a fucking badge of honor to be white trash.
00:22:52
Speaker
The people like some of the people I work with they got it and they literally called their fucking wives up Yeah, babe get to get down get graduated get the good pork chops tonight the thick one Yeah, I got I want you to get when you go to the store and I want you to get a box of shake and bake I need you to get a box of shake and bake and you know those little fudge brownies that I like that they come in the tray already a shop right please I just got a fucking forklift certification and
00:23:17
Speaker
Cookie cake. I need the cookie cake. Oh, cookie cake. And when they handed him out, they were like, congratulations. I'm like, okay. I kept thinking in my head, I kept saying to the one dude I work with, I was like, with great power comes great responsibility. Did your pay raise at least go up or anything for that? Fuck no. Jesus. Jesus, where do you think I work?
00:23:37
Speaker
I don't know. I thought I'd think of that. I thought I'd certify certification like that. No, you get certified. Yeah, they're like, yeah, but you're certified though. That was the one thing at my job. They were like, they were like, so I can use this anywhere? They're like, no. Oh, really? If you leave somewhere, you can't bring this anywhere. Oh, so it's not like a license. They're like, so we don't
Podcast Success and Summer Plans
00:23:55
Speaker
get a pay raise? They're like, no, but you're certified. So one guy was like, yeah, you're right. Yeah, I am certified. Where are you talking? Where are you talking?
00:24:06
Speaker
They literally, by the time anyone asks for like a pay raise or anything, they literally will throw turkey meat in your mouth. They literally will throw a hoagie at your face. A hoagie, look.
00:24:15
Speaker
You're probably just hungry. You don't care about your bills. You might just hungry here. You're hungry Yeah, you don't care about your fucking your hourly rate here. You're just literally hungry. You're not you and you're hungry Yeah, wait, but so that certification is only for that company though. Yeah, it works there. Yeah, so That was worth it. But now you know now worth it. Yeah, put that on the rest I'm a podcast legend. Yeah, I'm a podcast fucker. I need a fucking party. I heard we got 500
00:24:40
Speaker
Yeah, maybe yeah 500 downloads. That's awesome. Yeah, that's cool. So people are listening. Yeah What does that mean? That means we're already rich and famous Yo, you got actual pipes bro, yo, yo, you actually got pipes bro, honestly like if you buckled down Yeah, you buckled down for a month and you got your hair faded. Yeah, if you got fading work on your face Yeah, teachers already have for that. He's already here with her
00:25:08
Speaker
Yeah, that shit will be fire. DJ's about to put a light skin out now right now. Light skinnedness. Light skinnedness. Oh, yeah. On your girls neck. Yeah. Everything happens to your girls neck when these lights get into this? Everything happens, dude. It's all next up. I'm trying to be light skinned this summer. Sorry. I'm trying to be light skin. Sorry. How do you feel about being light skinned? I want to be in the beach this year. Oh, hell yeah. I want to soak it up. I'm going to sleep in my car Memorial Day weekend.
00:25:37
Speaker
I'm gonna camp out in my car fucking who cares go lay on the beach in the dark Which beach gonna do that go do you ever go do you ever go sit in the fucking in the lifeguard tower? Yeah, you go sit in the lifeguard tower, and you try to roll a joint, and it's too breezy you roll joints
00:25:54
Speaker
Ah, he tried to light the lights. I was like, honestly, block the wind, block the wind. Getting high on the beach is the greatest feeling in the world. It's literally liberating as fuck. It's like the visual. It's like, it's the end of the earth. It's like every sense except for the taste of a pork roll sandwich that it is a pork roll sandwich. Flat ass earth. If I was blind and someone brought me to the beach, I'd be like, is there, I would keep my mouth open for a pork roll sandwich in the case it falls in. That picture of you fucking looking at the pork roll on the horizon. We did a couple beach trips.
00:26:22
Speaker
We smoked five joints on the beach. Dude, the best ever was smoking the fucking blunt in the beach and the fucking in the sunrise, basically.
00:26:31
Speaker
That was so good. Shindeep water. Shindeep water. Something about like a large body of water. I feel like it's a nice place to get high at. Like a lake or a river. I always want to get high by a nice body of water. I do. I do want to go. I want to go back to Cape May Point. I want to go to that the sunken like the ship beach. Sunset beach. I want to go there because the last time I was there was with my fucking grandparents and I want to like go and see that again.
00:26:55
Speaker
I do that. I go all the time. I've never, I haven't been there in like literally like probably. It's the most beautiful thing on the planet. 20 years. I went there like right after a breakup and I watched this couple like get engaged. I literally almost want to throw a fucking big horseshoe grab at them. Just lob one at them. That place is really nice and it's free.
00:27:16
Speaker
It's a pebble beach. People swim. People swim. It's cute as fuck. It's like a little like pink pebble. I couldn't believe what I was looking at when I went. I was like, it's amazing. I literally I had ice cream. It's the sun sets. The sun sets over basically the Delaware Bay. But you see it from the Cape May side and it's like a pink pebble beach. Oh, fuck it. It's it's it sets on a shipwreck. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, there's a shipwreck. It's amazing. I want to go. I want to take photos of this.
00:27:41
Speaker
I saw these two kids just run in there and swim during the golden hour and it was so whimsical that I like literally like got bangs I literally called I called a salon. I was like I need bangs now. Can you guys do I grub hub bangs? Yeah
00:27:57
Speaker
I had bangs on delivery dude. Yeah, I'm clarinet them After paid bangs is literally so good. We should all go. It's fun. I go. I literally go all the time I'm down to go I wanted to check it out because wasn't this the beach that you told me last year that you could see the sunrise and the sunset You can see the sunrise on on like the wild but side. Oh
00:28:17
Speaker
Okay. Cause it's the east. But then on the west, Kate May is like the furthermost point of like New Jersey. Then there's like a, there's an inlet in the Delaware. Yeah, Kate May point, dude. There's Delaware. There's fucking, dude, that's the fucking like crazy. That's heaven. That was the fucking craziest. And it's really funny when you see a fucking piece of shit from Delco fucking hanging out there. They're like, Oh my God, it's fucking nice to shit. It's fucking beautiful here. Holy fuck. Banging.
00:28:39
Speaker
seeing something with a fucking banging banging. Yeah, that's all says fucking banging, banging, banging, baby, baby, baby. Yeah. Get me a picture of me. It's like, they're like this in front of a sunset and fucking banging summer.
00:28:55
Speaker
Yeah, 2k24. Yeah. Banging. Banging. Sorry. Yeah. They literally, there's people like that though. There's like, there's like couples. There's like old retired couples that'll just walk down there and handhold. You know, they'll just be goals. They're like, bang. And then there's like a dude that down there is like, yeah, he's got like 12, he's got like, he's got like 1200 hits. I love like a hashtag goals, like hashtag goals forever. I love a hashtag goals. Yeah, I was like, it's fucking banging. Like an old couple going to the beach.
Family Stories and Aging
00:29:20
Speaker
They just get harassed by people being like,
00:29:22
Speaker
Goals, goals, goals. Let me enjoy my retirement. I don't know what I would do without him. Honestly, look at this. He's like, yeah, he's like, yeah, banging. You're so fucking cute. Yeah. You're so fucking cute. That's fucking bang. You've been married for 500 years as banging people. We live around is fucking insane. That's fucking banging. There's so I've heard so many romantic things get ruined with fuck.
00:29:48
Speaker
In the middle of them, they're like, yo, so fucking cute. Like, honestly, like, I can't wait to fucking marry you. Ew. They always do that. And we have a big fucking wedding, though. Fucking retard. Yeah. I even know- That's how couples fight around here. They have a big bark. Fucking bitch. That's the kind of shit I'm talking about when I see fights. I want to see a good, like, argument with a couple outside of a bar. That's all you want. That's all you want. Dude, barking dogs.
00:30:14
Speaker
I've never seen people take videos from like a like a like a fire escape It'll just be a couple like 3 a.m. Fighting on a curb. Yeah, I saw this dude peel off in a fucking moped He was like, it's gonna be me or him and I know it's gonna be him I just rode off on a moped. It was like me You ride off that fast you rode off like five miles and I was like me
00:30:38
Speaker
I wanna get a moped. I wanna get like a little Vespa. Dude, apparently they're like really good in like miles per gallon. You got like a hundred miles per gallon on that. Really? I wanna- I wanna- I wanna one wheel. Oh, one wheel? I want that weird fucking thing. They came out right before my mom died and my mom saw one and I literally covered her eyes. I was like, I don't have enough time. You don't have enough time left for me to tell you what that is.
00:30:59
Speaker
You don't have enough time for me to tell you what the fuck that is. This might like trigger Alzheimer's. I might be buffing that overloads her brain. That's the kind of shit that makes old people look at their hands. Yeah. Like holy fuck. My mumum's skin, she was so old, her skin was like fucking paper mache. Yeah. And our basement steps had a stucco wall. Nice. And she must have walked up and bumped the stucco and the whole side of her face was like hell raiser dude.
00:31:23
Speaker
She had like blood and gods coming out. She had no idea. She was like, what's wrong? I'm like, oh my god, what the fuck? Her fucking eyes hanging out. She was like, what are those little toy poodles? What's the matter? She was like, what? I'm like, oh shit. Oh my god. She literally looked like somebody sliced her open right here and then just parted her fucking skin. Yeah, dog into it. I literally saw her kidney. Yeah, I like it.
00:31:47
Speaker
She was like, what? And then she goes, oh my god, I am bleeding. It was like a bucket of blood. They carry. Get crazy. She saw me on one side. I came along, she turned this way, and I was like, oh my fucking god. It was a brush. She brushed the stucco wall and literally tore her flesh from bones. Yeah. Aw, man. She was good though, until she died.
00:32:08
Speaker
dude she didn't break her hip that's what happens when old people break their hip that's the end when they're getting bed sores and shitting and watching who wants to be a millionaire my grandfather my grandfather was a son of a gun dude your grandfather was a horny fuck he was an animal
00:32:22
Speaker
He was one of those people that when he died people were like God, it's incredible. He was alive to be 80. I can't believe that's what people did That's that's all anyone ever said didn't he didn't he get inflatables put in this fucking dick to get hard? He had a surgery done That's like where he had a fucking ring and pump behind his ball sack to fucking get him fucking nice Now did he have to puff him up himself like the Reebok fucking tongue and I'm sure he probably had the fucking babe
00:32:49
Speaker
Beep beep beep beep! It's like his left nut. Yeah, just roll his left nut. Get him to rub his asshole. He's gonna stimulate his asshole. Yeah, he's probably like, get down there and do that for me. Some fucking desperate AA broad. He's driving around down here. What, he's doing that to get boners? That's how you would fuck, yeah. You would get fucking, you would push him. Shit. Yeah, dude. Our whole generation takes Viagra. I don't take nothing. I get natural, I get the natural still, dude.
00:33:19
Speaker
I still get natural boners. I wake up with a boner every day. If I wake up with no boner, I know I'm sick. I know I'm sick. I have a fucking stomach bug or something if I'm not hard. Because I wake up barred every day and I'm like, I wish this is the dick I wish I could bring to sex. I wish this is what anyone would see. I wish no one ever catches me with this. My dick's black in the morning. My dick literally has a chain and a durag on it. It's a titty boy, dude.
00:33:45
Speaker
I wake up with like a fucking 2006 VHS porn fucking hood tape. My dick has like a 5x white t-shirt on. Straight up literally like a Ray J Kim K fucking deal. My dick literally, I woke up to my balls twisting a fucking Dutch and my fucking... Twisting a Dutch is crazy. Yeah, my balls were twisting a fucking Dutch and my cap was fucking rapping. Yeah, dude. My whole junk was having like a black morning.
Morning Routines and Masculinity
00:34:10
Speaker
Wait.
00:34:11
Speaker
Alright, so I don't really get more it would too often and it's not like that means you're fucking have cancer You gotta have you gotta be having that means you have low T. You need some tea eat some sardines You need to drink green tea. No monster energy. Fuck that drink monster energy. We're supposed to have it like every morning though. Yes Oh, really supposed to wake up with a weird means you should be fucking you should be pumped up in the morning and
00:34:35
Speaker
That's like how you know that's like how I know America's like good. That's how I know the state of the Union is great That's how I know the Eagles grew in the Super Bowl. I wake up fucking pumped up I wake up like not like fully torched but sometimes away. No, no I've Or just like rarely it's very rare. It's like very like once a while like you sleep on your back or your stomach I'm like a side sleeper
00:35:02
Speaker
I sleep on my side too. If I sleep on my stomach, I pretty much got the bed pregnant. Yeah. I don't know if I'm humping in my sleep, but I literally hope I'm not. It's touching stuff. It's, you know, I'm really burying my dick into the bed. I'm like, there's a fucking. I'm like, it's like, I'm like me and Batman just saved the world. Now I'm going to go fuck a hot girl. Yeah. It's literally like I saved the world. I like saved the world. Like my kindergarten teacher comes up and they're like, she was like, I always knew you were fucking hot.
00:35:30
Speaker
And I'm like, I think you were hot too, Mrs. Moyer. I had a dream that I missed a flight last night. It's horrible. I was drunk and I went to sleep and I fucking missed a flight in my sleep. I was like, I'll wake up. I literally woke up. I was like, what? What? Do you ever fucking... Do you ever talk? I wake up and talk. When I'm drunk and I fall asleep drunk, I wake up like, what? So why? I woke up, I literally was saying what to yourself is the weirdest feeling ever. What did I say? Wait, hold on. Say it again, me? Yeah.
00:35:58
Speaker
Wait me what now when now when you talk back, that's when it's crazy crazy if you're like I said That's my head would eat itself you ever do that thing I used to do it a lot when I was a kid I still do it but like you're falling asleep and someone's like yo you're falling asleep and you try to like justify whatever fucking I've been like half asleep saying like yeah, you should probably take a yeah like blue bus They're like what I'm like, I'm just saying that like
00:36:25
Speaker
I don't even remember what I was saying. Yeah, but like I'm not sleeping like I would like defend resting my eyes You're arresting my eyes, dude. Oh, you're asleep. That's what I sleep like my back hurts. Yeah, it's like what? What?
Childhood Sleepovers and Intimacy
00:36:40
Speaker
I don't know my fucking feet are I'm like hey last time I was falling asleep I was at I was at Jake's and Jake was like yo, are you sleeping is the first time I live ever I was like yeah, man I'm just tired and it felt so freeing For some reason I'm always like I'm not tired. Okay. I could show my business Sleeping's great. I'm not Isaac one time. He's like yo, you're literally sleeping. I was like watch the show I was like you why did I get like that again somebody I
00:37:09
Speaker
I don't know why. I always defend myself. Someone's like, oh, you're tired. I'm like, no, I'm not. No, the fuck I ain't. Well, I think it's not going to cry either. I think it's because like when we're young, we're like, we tried to stay up the longest and that's like the cool kid who ever stays up the longest. Dude, I stayed up one night. Is that what that is? I tried to stay up practicing. I try to pull an all nighter out of sleepover and I stayed up a little too late because then I heard the parents fucking sick. The first time I ever heard fucking. Yeah.
00:37:37
Speaker
Yeah, I mean it was good because the parents were weird-looking. Yeah, that's why it was good I would expect I was it what it sound like what are they doing? How nasty was it? So we were laying there and we were watching Oh God we're watching like the kid I was hanging out with he's watching Final Fantasy. That's the worst thing ever It was like a three-hour long like fuck you movie. It was like a three-hour long like check this out shit. Oh
00:38:06
Speaker
Though the entire time I don't know why but I stayed up movie and then he had an n64 and we had this like army It was like a toy army game like a little green army men. Yeah, it was like a third-person shooter game So I was playing that and then I just laid there and I looked in the Sun was kind of coming up And you know, it's like a deep blue in the morning Yeah, I was like what time is it even and he had a big big Comcast cable box. It was like 502. Yeah, I
00:38:31
Speaker
and all of a sudden I hear the bed. So I'm knowing that middle aged man woke up with a boner. I fucking buried his cock in the fucking ass crack just trying to wake her up. And then she must have rolled over and just let him have at it.
00:38:45
Speaker
Just take her hole, you know what I mean? And my friend's dad at the time took this woman's hole, his mom, and she was moaning. And I was like, that's crazy. I'm getting tingly. I was like, that's sex. So I walked, I got up, we were sitting on the floor of the living room, I went up, I went to the bottom step and just listened up the steps. And then I realized I couldn't really hear good from the steps, so I went back to where I was sitting and they were right above me and I was like,
00:39:12
Speaker
That is hot fucking. I like knew nothing about sex. I was like, that's hot fucking though. I know that's good. I know it's good fucking. It's good. I can't wait to have a wife. Yeah, immediately. Yeah, I can't wait to have a friend's mom. You're fa- I can't wait for that. I can't wait to have a friend's mom. Yeah, I can't wait to have a friend's mom. Yeah, that's who's doing it.
00:39:31
Speaker
But yeah, I remember being like, that's crazy. And then it just kept me up. And then I was at the park and I was like, I'm not supposed to tell anybody. But like, I'm telling everyone. Like his fucking mom that we're fucking. That's like awesome. They like honked for hours. They fucked for a long time too. It was like an hour. And I could even hear the position changes. I could hear the
Intimate Preferences and Humor
00:39:50
Speaker
bed creak for a position change.
00:39:52
Speaker
You're, like, trying to draw what you think is happening? I'm, like, in my head. It's literally, like, her butthole's, like, on his dick, and he's, like, spinning. He's, like, a baseball, or, like, a basketball. He's, like, this on her dick.
00:40:06
Speaker
I was like whoa I always wanted to try that I want that's why I wanted to like get like a swing and then like spin you want a sex swing yeah try that yeah I had somebody asked me if I was a spinner one time what's a spinner mean a spinner is like somebody that gets on it and they spin them I was like no I didn't know a spinner was a thing oh I forgot to look it up but like people should look what does he ever get a sex swing I wouldn't get one
00:40:31
Speaker
But if someone like had one, I'd be like, sure. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like looking at the ceiling. I'm like, I don't know. This is like concrete. Yeah, this is like an actual crane at your house. Is your house made by Boeing? Yeah. Yeah. Can you get like anything? Can anything be a sex swing if it's like you just have sex on? Yeah, dude. Anything goes. I want to go to Bailey. I want a tire. I want a tire. A tire swing? Yeah. A classic tire swing for doggy style.
00:40:57
Speaker
I think it'd be fun. Yeah, I guess I guess I would be open to some fun shit like that Yeah, sure. Getting on a sex swing? Yeah, would you? Getting on a sex swing? I wouldn't use the same. I wouldn't get on a sex swing. You wouldn't get on it? Imagine if like they like bent over like forward and then you like got hard and sat in it and just swung into doggy like these big like these like gap thrusts. Doggy swings? You want to do like a front flip to the pussy? I mean, I would I would get I would like I would put her on the fucking swing. Yeah
00:41:27
Speaker
But the problem is, it's like not romantic. It's not romantic. I don't know. I like love making. Yeah. I like I like dirty love making. Yeah. I'm a love maker. She hates when I use that term. That's what it is. I'm just trying to make love onto you. That's all. I try to get like I try to get like Jackie Moon on. I'm like, you mind if I make some love onto you?
00:41:48
Speaker
The term making love used to mean something. Now it's a bunch of whores everywhere. Now it's a bunch of fucking whores everywhere. I like the term making love. Now it's a bunch of fucking whores. Make love. I imagine you make love. I try my best. I try my best. TJ's a passionate kisser too. I try my best. Yeah dude. TJ gives it his all. Yeah. It's like make up with this so I can see what it looks like. TJ sucks the fucking... Blows the tongue. Yeah.
00:42:14
Speaker
Yeah, so like tongue in the joystick. Yeah, you were done the spit in each other's mouth Yeah, yeah During sex it's great shower like after sex. I'm just like why is it a shower move? I don't know for some reason it feels easier to clean up if I don't like it yeah, but Shower stuff is fun
00:42:38
Speaker
But I've been in times before where like I've gotten soft in the shower only because I feel like my feet are slipping out from under me and I'm worried about that. Oh, you gotta get one of those like grip pads on your- For fucking yeah. Yeah. For fucking. Put the sex swing in the shower. Put the sex swing in the shower, slip, break your fucking neck. Break your fucking neck. Break your fucking neck. Now I've gotten out of the shower. I've hit it on the bathroom floor. Dude, I'm scared of like showers. That's crazy. But you make sure you're on a bath max. Like I said, if your knees are wet, literally your legs are gonna give out like a newborn donkey.
00:43:24
Speaker
That's so fucking funny amazing find a woman that makes you come like a baby goat
00:43:32
Speaker
What you need that's that edging shit yeah, I try to be verbal I try to be very like oh my god. Tell me what you said You can't say that and that did not give us like I make sounds you know
00:43:51
Speaker
Literally, I want fuck I want I want it's like a like a Japanese man. It's like Yeah, like positive reinforcement you're doing noises
00:44:10
Speaker
Yes. It's like a, like a revving a motorcycle. You do dirty. He's a verbal Docker. I've been drunk enough and horny enough where I've like, I've done like the Ukrainian guy, like the check, like the Czech Republic guy. Oh shit. Oh fucking shit. Yes. Oh yes. I've done that before. I thought that was more of like a French dude.
00:44:37
Speaker
The first time I think I talked dirty was probably the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Oh, yeah. I was like, I was like, I went, does that feel good? Oh, I was like, oh, I want to say no. No. No. Help. Help. Help.
00:44:53
Speaker
Yeah, help, help, help, help. I'm sorry. Dirty talk's crazy. Does that feel good? Fucking like that. But here's the thing, the dirty talk, I'm immediately over the fucking hill. I'm done. You don't like it? Yeah. Countdown. No, it's Countdown till I come. Oh, yeah. I'm like a shut up guy. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Shut up, guys. Shut up. Yeah. I like dirty talk. I feel like one little noise that gets me going. I'm like, well, that's... Sorry for you. This isn't going to feel good for you anymore, because I'm about to nut.
00:45:22
Speaker
Yes, I don't know why. It's only about dirty talk. It's just weird. Have you ever spanked a woman? Spanked a woman? Yeah, I like spanking. Spanking's fun. It is. Because I feel like I'm a big ass guy. So am I. I've been paddled. Have you been paddled before? You've been fucking paddled? I've been fucking paddled? Are you fucking serious? Wow, what was that like? It was fucking crazy. It was like days in confused type shit.
00:45:42
Speaker
They literally like they treated you like fucking Mitch literally you were literally fucking Mitch. I think I have a picture of the fucking battle You have a picture of the panel I think I have a picture of the fucking paddle still the best paddle was the black eyes paddle days confusing was called the soul pole I don't understand BDSM though. That's what like I mean like I guess some of my life It'd be cool to go to a dominatrix like have like a woman completely just fucking dominate me
00:46:07
Speaker
Jim we're talking about yeah, I would like to be on both sides, but just to try it Oh like be the dog who knows like here's my problem. I being restrained scares the fuck out of me I don't like being stuck anywhere really I get antsy I was I would have to be with someone like have you ever heard of other Stephen King wrote a book called Gerald's game Yeah, and that's about a couple who experiment with tying each other up and yeah He ties the wife up and then fucking drops dead in the bedroom. They're in like the mountains. Yeah
00:46:34
Speaker
That's also my biggest fear. So funny. Aneurysm. Yeah, out like a light. And then like she's like, like he's dead and he's like coming next to her bed. She's like fucking like hallucinating and he's like dead next to bed talking to her. Feel that. Yeah. Well, I feel like kinkiest thing you would do.
00:46:52
Speaker
I would do I don't know it would have to I'd have to really like somebody yeah I fucking prefer it to be very Christian yeah very very Christian gay sex Christian under here it's a fucking woman it's a woman now woman here what about you what's the kink what's the kinkiest thing you've done you think I've done
00:47:16
Speaker
I wanna say probably anal. I don't know how far that is. Everyone's level of kink is very different though. When you're into it and you're getting nasty, are you a different person? I feel like you are. You probably become a crazy motherfucker. Yeah, I do. I feel like I change. I feel like that's why I turned into primal mode. Yeah, you're like, when you start banging on the butt like a bad mood. Yeah, I'm just like... TJ becomes full bad mood. That's all I sense. That's a fucking paddle, dude.
00:47:43
Speaker
That was your paddle? I got paddled by a guy. Dude that's like, oh wait. What the fuck was that like? Show the camera. Show the camera your fucking gay paddle. I got paddled by a guy. Did you like it though? Oh my god. Did it feel like... Yeah. Did it awaken something in you?
00:47:58
Speaker
it wasn't like like a bunch of times it was like a couple times because he said he like had a picture of it he like sent it i was like i'll fucking like bring that paddle me yeah so did you have to say anything like thank you sir i would never do anything like that that would be too much that would be too much excuse me sir can i have another one i don't want to yeah i don't want yeah
00:48:18
Speaker
Actually, you know what? Going back to the kickiest thing, I was trying some sub stuff, but then I didn't really got into it because I was just like, eh. It's better on camera. Were we doing sub? I got on my knees and I was like, oh, thank you, miss. I was like, really? Wow, that's cool. But then I was like, eh, just be fucking. What did they do? Well, she kind of like,
00:48:46
Speaker
like, put, like, a collie on me, and then pull me away. Fuck T.J., did you hear that? I didn't know you were a fucking freak, dude. I didn't know T.J. was undercover fucking Satan. I'm sorry, I grew up Catholic. I have so much, like, pent-up sexual energy. Yeah. That's so hilarious. So what, they- He's opening up, dude. T.J.'s letting his flower open. A new haircut, new T.J. Yeah, dude. Fade T.J. just fucks the women. Fade T.J. literally gets walked around like a fucking dog. So, hold on. So, so, she tied you up. Yeah. And then she put a dog collar on you.
00:49:16
Speaker
And then she like, I basically was like, I'm just. I'm going to do everything. I love you. I'm going to do whatever you want. Just tell me what to do. What was she getting you to do? I don't want to go into too far into that, but eating her ass or something. Yeah, just like like I had like anything that was like too over the line. I said, like, I'm not going to do that. But like, yeah, that's the other thing. She was like, I want you to scat on me. I was like, no, I was like, Pete.
00:49:53
Speaker
One or two maybe I'm not judging. That's just crazy. Well TJ was on there. Yeah, cuz I I had like a I was hungry Sorry, I don't know something like you know like like when you watch like porn and like the girl like like farts during like sex like queef so like that things
00:50:01
Speaker
Nothing to like shit. I don't I don't like stuff like that Someone's gonna send this a t-day
00:50:14
Speaker
Well, like the fart is shit. That's that's it's a trailer for shit. Well, I guess like during anal like like she like farts during anal Yeah, I got like for some reason when I was like jacking off. I was like I got like into that Yeah, and I was like, all right, so you're in the farts. No because it smells like shit I've had a queef before where I'm like all that means I'm doing good. Yeah, he's an additional farting
00:50:37
Speaker
I thought I was anal farting anal farting as opposed to little farting oral farting Farts out of the way she was like you're gonna you're gonna eat this fart little fucking Asian scumbag Fucking Korean. I do like you're gonna wish ice would come you're gonna. Oh you like degrading. Yeah, I like race play I like oh my god. You like race play like a fake racist
00:50:58
Speaker
Yeah, holy shit. Yeah, that's awesome. TJ's been coming hanging out with us for like fucking like two months all the mean stuff you said to him Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes fucking hate me so much dude if a girl hits a fucking triple yes It's over for me. Oh, yeah, the girl says yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes Shut up. That's X X X X
00:51:25
Speaker
Wait, so I'm sorry, am I asking you too much about this? No, that's fine. She was like, you're going to eat this fart. And then you were like, yes. Yes, mistress. Was this a girlfriend or was this someone you hired? It was just a girl that I was seeing and I was trying to get into it because I was kind of curious. Yeah, you were like, I want to be like, was it like leather? Was there leather involved? I guess like the collar, but that's about it. Yeah.
00:51:52
Speaker
So, when the fart- No, like latex or anything. When the fart brewed, was she brewing a fart? Was there any like... That's the thing is like, I'm just gonna stop on the fact that you're eating a fart. I'm not judging you at all. They had halal before this. I don't know what she had for lunch, but... So she had a fart queued up. Yeah. That's a fucking bro right there. That's awesome. And she was like, you're gonna eat this fart? Did she grab the back of your head fart in your mouth? Yeah.
00:52:16
Speaker
She like put my face in her ass. What was this fart like? It was like, I guess like kind of like you're far from like episode nine. Oh yeah, that one man. That's awesome. Yeah. You just said thanks. Thank you. Thank you. But I don't want to do that again. Yeah. And now was she you into the? Thank you. Yeah, she was into it. She was like, I'm into this and you should try it where you're like, I'm into this. I want you to do this to me.
00:52:42
Speaker
Like were you into it you got her into it or was she into it and you were like I'll try it
00:52:47
Speaker
Like, who initiated? I think I initiated. You're like, I want a dog collar, I want the fart. Give me the fart. Whoa. That's awesome. So you like read Fifty Shades of Grey and you were like, I want you to fart in my face. Is there any farts in Fifty Shades? I don't know. Fifty tarts. Should we look that up? Can somebody look that up? Is there any farts in Fifty Shades? It's like you go to the theater like, yeah, burn all the farts. Fifty Toots of Grey. Yeah, where the farts at?
00:53:14
Speaker
Did you guys end up just fucking after that? Yeah, pretty much. Or was it just like, no. That's the other thing, I've seen subs that are like, they'll put their dick in a cage. Oh, that it's completely like, no, I gotta get my rocks off. Yeah, it's like, what's the point of it? You're just gonna put me in a foul fucking mood until I cum. I'm literally gonna run away and cum. I feel like blue balls like that is just like, that's not really sex. I didn't know you were fucking, I didn't know you were fartier. That's awesome.
00:53:40
Speaker
Yeah. Good for you, man. I'm a fucking- I'm trying to live my life, you know. Scumbag, dude. I'm also a fucking scumbag. They're trying to figure out what I love in life. There's no farting in any of the Fifty Shades of Grey books, but somebody made a video called Fifty Shades of Grey, but with farting. I want to fucking see it so bad. We got to use some of that video. Well, tune in then after the cast. You got to put it in the intro or something. Yeah. It should be Jimmy cast.
00:54:09
Speaker
I was looking up our thing. I was trying to watch it. Well, I was just loaded up. Oh, oh, we're putting it on the fucking on the page. I'm talking about how TJ ate a fucking leather fart sandwich. I know it's insane. Have you ever had someone fart in your face? I've eaten. I have so many times, dude. I just I've had I've had. Yeah, I've had a couple farts in my face. I've also farted in somebody's face. I've also farted in somebody's. Fucking blast.
00:54:35
Speaker
You've like you've like tattooed my car before long Like he's like farted so hard. I farted a koi fish into a seat. Yeah, you farted a carp I try to hold as much like gas as possible until I Mean like now what did she turn you down? I'm sorry. I'm so stuck on this
00:54:56
Speaker
No, you're good. No, because you're such a nice guy. You're such a nice kind of just like... I don't really talk about this too often. Oh, my bad. I'm sorry. No, no, no. You're gonna ask a question, but I just don't really open up.
00:55:09
Speaker
was she like like when you were like I want like a fart uh-huh she was like really or was she like well no I didn't I didn't really ask for it she kind of like just forced it upon oh she just went freestyle freestyling a fart is so fucking brave that is the bravest dude she was literally fucking shit that's what I'm saying that's literally what happened he got a holy fucking shit you literally got a OMG moment dude
00:55:33
Speaker
You literally got an OMG moment. Wow. I was like, and were you blown away? Like, sure. I mean, yeah, at the moment I was like, whoa, whoa, what just happened? Fart? Yeah. Now, what was your method of sucking this fart down? Did you want it? I mean, I was kind of just like, just making fun of it. Just.
00:55:50
Speaker
Licking this fart down. I think I think I I pushed pushed upon my nostrils as much as possible So no gas came in and then just yeah went crazy with the tongue and we just Yeah, was it like a can you redo it with your lips sort of? Could you show us on this? You ate a fart off a chick and not like hey, it was a thing. Here's what happened
00:56:13
Speaker
there's like a more like a part to put to the oh yeah whoa whoever you like whatever you with had literally nerves of yeah yeah I didn't know you fucked Matt Ryan
00:56:31
Speaker
Matty ice This woman was cold-blooded. Yeah, I didn't know you fucked literally Alexander the Great. That's fucking insane. She pulled a sword from us warrior Yeah, you ate a fart
00:56:46
Speaker
That's girl fart. I've had it. I've had it. Girl farts have a lot of Scovilles, high Scovilles unit. It's like Reaper. It's like Reaper shit. Because here's the thing, like you have to think with her doing that, like a girl farting in a guy's mouth and just going, like I said, it wasn't planned. She was like, I'm just going to do this. She's wanting the risk of you stabbing her. Yeah. Because girls get stabbed for that in other countries.
00:57:09
Speaker
I'm not really like I know that but I'm saying like a fart is like going for outside. Did I have a sigh in my hand? Yes Freestyle fart is crazy. Also. I gave
Future Podcast Plans
00:57:20
Speaker
her permission to be like do whatever yeah, I know but he went sub you went sub for the first time yeah, yeah
00:57:28
Speaker
That's amazing. Yeah, I'm proud of you. I'm really proud of you, and I'm not judging you at all either. Thank you. I just wanted to know about this fart you ate. Yeah, I just don't like to hit like the pain parts. Like I don't like understand the beatings. Yeah. Did she do that too? Yeah, she was. She tried. Fucking ass. And I was hoping his fucking like it's like cuts to TJ getting. How's this fun?
00:57:51
Speaker
We should make that a sketch where we really have a chick reenact like beating the shit out of you for a patreon We should get we should get like a giant fucking Dom in here one of our comics That'll be fun to have as a guest that'd be hilarious Dom That'd be hilarious just a big fucking nasty Dom yeah, let's do it a big fart stress the sketch should be TJ gets like
00:58:15
Speaker
20 minutes with a Dom, we filmed the whole thing. Here's the thing, if we get 500 more subscribers, we'll have a Domini-trix on here. Non-sexual. Non-sexual, just combo. Non-sexual, we just have- We're not getting fucking- I'm not fucking a Domini-trix on this podcast. I would like to interview one because we also have a fart eater. Yeah. I would like to see, would you take a fart on the pod? That's not sex, right? That's like some Howard Stern shit. Maybe for the Patreon. Are we Howard Stern-ing it immediately?
00:58:40
Speaker
I think we should have a Dom on just to fucking just to get some perspective on. That's fucking hilarious.
Dominatrix Interviews and Personal Stories
00:58:44
Speaker
I want to know. Yeah, they see a lot of shit and they see like like high stress lawyers. Yeah. And like accountants and guys that are like so in control all the time that they want someone to fucking control them and fart in their little fucking gay mouth. The little financial gay mouth.
00:59:03
Speaker
That's what I want to do. I want to interview with dominatrix. Yeah, that'd be fun. So this girl was like kind of into the Dom thing, huh? Yeah, how did she like it? She was it'd change her forever. She was like, I think I like fighting in guys faces. Yeah, absolutely. I think so. Yeah, we both change that day. I farted in the guy's face. I farted in the guy's face in 2016. He did. Wasn't sexual or nothing. It was during the Conor McGregor Diaz fight. Yeah. Wet and bare ass fart in his mouth. Oh, yeah.
00:59:29
Speaker
That's brutal. Maybe we should have him on. You guys can exchange recipes. Yes, exchange recipes. What do you got? What I got? Oh, I got fucking. Yeah, dude, that's crazy. That part is one of the nastiest videos I've ever seen. The fact that this chick was like, like, that's awesome. That's the bravest thing I've ever heard. Yeah, that's. I'm not.
00:59:56
Speaker
She just- we find out she ate bean curd all day and listened to Florence and the Machine. Florence and the Machine makes girls fart. Yeah, it's literally girl fart music. Imagine if she fucking took- I was waiting for you to be like, and then she took a shit on my neck. Oh god, I can't get into like scat or like piss play. No. No piss for me. Poop and piss is where I draw the line. I've peed on my girlfriend but like in the shower. I peed on in the shower. In the bathroom. Yeah.
01:00:21
Speaker
I put my little fucking little bird in there while she's in there. I pee on someone in the shower, dude. I don't care. Piss on their legs.
01:00:29
Speaker
It's a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. This was a very sexual podcast. We're getting to the bottom of TJ's fucking absolute slutness. Yeah, I didn't realize TJ was fucking whore. It's good to know that TJ fucking hates God and it's not going to heaven. We just found out TJ is also closer to hell than we thought. We're finding out more and more. You're going to unlock this onion, dude. Follow us and fucking follow us onto the Patreon. Close to hell. This could be my, uh, what you call it, like, uh,
01:00:59
Speaker
This is your christening. This is your anti-christening. Not christening, but like, uh... What do they do when they ask for forgiveness? For confession. This is my confession. This is your Asian confession. I don't think God really cares about it. I don't know how...
Humor and Religious References
01:01:12
Speaker
As long as you ask for forgiveness right before you die, you're good. I feel like God kind of throws down, too. He's probably taken a couple of farts. It was the times. It was the times. They were definitely farting in his face while he was hung up there. Back to the ladder. They were getting a ladder up there and farting in his face. That's the secret they don't want you to know. Mary Magdalene paid him back with a fart.
01:01:30
Speaker
That he who is free of flatulence cast the first stone, dude. That's the- I think that's the saying. All the apostles had a fart in Jesus' face too. We love you guys. We love you guys. We love you. Have a good one.