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EP 8: That New Wrestler Smell
135 Plays1 year ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about WrestleMania Coming Here to The Great City of Philadelphia, John getting Stuck in an Elevator, and Childhood Toys: What We Got vs. What We Wanted.
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Transcript
Pronouncing Jim's Name
00:00:00
Speaker
Come back to another episode of Close to Hell podcast. Your host, Jim Gillespie. No, fuck you. No, you're not doing the intro because you say my name wrong for fucking forever. It's a fucking P. Gillespie. Gillespie. Gillespie. What the fuck are we doing here? What do we do? I'm so tired, Asian people. I'm just kidding. Gillespie. Gillespie. You've known me for fucking 20 years. You're my oldest friend. How do you get my name wrong?
00:00:25
Speaker
So pronunciations Jim Goresby. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck is happening?
00:00:31
Speaker
Anyway, I'm Jim Gillespie and to my right is John prophet across from his TJ re Welcome back another visit I think episode 8 it is episode 90 Episode 8 of we made it close to hell the close to hell podcast What are we doing? What is it? What are we doing? We're just welcome them back. Welcome it back the people we're welcome to my back Welcome back to the people
00:00:56
Speaker
It's mania.
Excitement for WrestleMania
00:00:57
Speaker
It's mania week. It's mania week, baby. It's mania week. The wrestling vibes are through the roof. My gun is steaming right now. We just forced TJ to watch 40 minutes of wrestling. Pretty much. We're like, we keep checking in with him like, how you feeling? He's like, not so good. Yeah, it's almost like giving someone acid. It's like, did it kick in yet? Not so good yet.
00:01:17
Speaker
I'm hype. It's in our city. It's coming. It's here. It is common. I mean, it's been like like promoting for like almost a year now. Yeah, they announced it like a year out. Yeah.
00:01:29
Speaker
Oh yeah, they already know where the next one's going to be too. Yeah, because by the time it's the week of, the hype is so fucking through the roof crazy. It seems like I've been waiting a year for this thing. I've been waiting for 26 years. Yeah, I've been waiting forever. And I'm not going. I've waited forever and I'm still not going. It's my own fault. It's my own fault.
00:01:49
Speaker
Yeah, you're supposed to be a millionaire right now It's so funny me wanting to go to WrestleMania college Every place that I swear I misstep in my life I'm like it's because of mania that it's all coming to fucking
Dreams and WrestleMania Regrets
00:02:10
Speaker
good arrest. Okay is why you're yeah, that's all your shortcomings
00:02:14
Speaker
Every mistake I've made has led to me not being able to be at WrestleMania to see the actual Rock. You should have been a realtor. I should have been a realtor. I should have worked for Keller Williams and beat the fuck out of my girlfriend. We could just at Triple H right now. At Triple H. I'm like, at Triple H, our moms are dead. Hook it up. Our moms are fucking dead, please. Hook it up. I'm about to shave my head and just walk around like I have cancer. John, John, John Cena.
00:02:42
Speaker
They gave me six months. I got a sick one. Yeah. I got a real sick one. Cena will sniff me out. Yeah. He can smell cancer. He has a taste for chemo. You can smell it coming. Yeah. John Cena is the kiss of death, man.
00:02:57
Speaker
Yeah, be so funny if you walk into a room and the kids saw him and goes oh fucking serious. Oh Shit yes, we're gonna put you on a six-month plan, but we're also gonna have we're gonna have seen it come in It's like seen it just shaves all six weeks Shit, I've ever seen it in that means we're fucking we're near in it You ever see a Florence in the machine do that live performance for that girl that's dying like a girls like are the girls already like slow dancing with the grim reaper they're like
00:03:25
Speaker
It made me cry. That's sad. And then also there's another little girl, same situation.
Skepticism about GoFundMe
00:03:30
Speaker
They had Beyonce come in and sing Halo. Yeah. Oh my. And then they had one of her guys that came with her. He was playing, he had like mallets. He was playing on the little girl's ribs. That's so horrible.
00:03:54
Speaker
I wish I could just, it's funny, I could just, we could just stop eating for six months and convince everyone we have cancer and just get money on fucking, I was gonna say OnlyFans. GoFundMe. My mom died, right? So my aunt is like obsessed with trying to get a GoFundMe going. I'm like, why are you trying to do that? No one wants that. No one wants the attention of a GoFundMe. Nobody wants the attention of a GoFundMe. Nobody wants to write the GoFundMe. She's like all about it. Like she's like all, no one wants that. Yeah.
00:04:21
Speaker
GoFundMe's are embarrassing. There's somebody I know, their co-workers started a GoFundMe for them to go to WrestleMania. Really? Yeah, it's been a childhood dream like anyone can contribute.
00:04:32
Speaker
No. Fuck you. I'm not giving you shit. No. You fucking pay for me
Critique of Online Career Paths
00:04:37
Speaker
to go. How about that? How about that? Pay for fucking me to go. I just realized that like a lot of, I feel like careers online has just become like homelessness or like panhandling. Oh yeah. Online panhandling is the worst dude. There used to be other comics that I would like work with who would literally just, they're just like anything helps. Anything. Yeah. Anything helps. Yeah. Get a fucking day job.
00:04:57
Speaker
Anything else besides that that does I keep seeing people I keep seeing people online that are like how to how I work from home as like a digital marketer I work four days a week, and I make $5,000 a month. I'm like how super hot and sell your feet It's cuz they have that they have that dumb piece of paper and they get the fucking beat work from home work from home is not real
Reality of Working from Home
00:05:19
Speaker
I'm convinced. It's not real working from home paper
00:05:22
Speaker
that fucking they fucking have a degree yeah working from home women have been doing it since the dawn of time yeah that's working from home guys are like actually I like working from now now yeah actually I'll like I would be a housewife no problem oh yeah same that's my tree job problem oh my god I would fucking I'm way ahead of you I already started fucking guys
00:05:44
Speaker
I would literally on the path. I would have fucking I would have breakfast made oh, yeah Today show right yeah, right Christ I would grapple grump I'm literally
00:06:00
Speaker
I'm gonna I'm gonna eat so much scrapple during WrestleMania.
Aspiring Stay-at-Home Dads
00:06:03
Speaker
I'm really gonna show up with ajuna Yeah, you got a fucking a heart murmur. Yeah, sodium bomb. I would fucking kill it as a stay-at-home dad. I think so too. Oh my god. Anyone would. With enough money, anybody would. Yeah, but it's because men have common sense that we wouldn't complicate things Also, I feel like being a stay-at-home. One pan
00:06:24
Speaker
I'd have one pound, one pan, one happy family. One happy family. I cooked another loaf of scrapple for dinner. Boom. I'm going to go back to playing Xbox. I put it in the air fryer. Fucking poke it and see if it's done. Air fryer practically, if it had tits, I'd fuck it.
00:06:40
Speaker
I'm marrying
Daytime TV Show Memories
00:06:41
Speaker
my air fryer. I would be the first guy to marry an air fryer. Mm-hmm. Did you fucking imagine? 24 yeah, actually yeah, how I married my air fryer. It's a 40. Yeah, it's like a Mari. So it's a Mari segment It can't it can't aim eyes like a toaster oven. Yeah, you are not a tin foil. Don't look like me at all. It's literally like They like interview the air fire it's like
00:07:08
Speaker
You are not the tin foil. Yeah, you are not the basket. I told you, I spray that thing, so nothing sticks in there, bro. Yeah, bro. I can't have girls. The best episode I've ever saw of Mari was after school one day. There was a kid, the bottom bar, it was like a paternity test or whatever, and then the bottom just says,
00:07:29
Speaker
Lamar claims, I don't make sick babies. And then it just shows the baby cam in the back room. And it's literally like a child vegetable chair. And the dude's like, I don't mind. And I would never make it like me.
Channel Surfing Nostalgia
00:07:45
Speaker
They're like, it is. And he just gets up and he's like, like, he's getting ready to swing when Mari's like, how dare you set me up.
00:07:52
Speaker
I don't think I've ever watched that show before besides like going to like fucking serious your parents that love them Like I don't never watch it like at home, but I've always seen it like like a diner somewhere Okay, I was watching it. I've always seen that like a sports clips. Yeah, I started skipping school in like kindergarten To catch up on Mari I remember at one point like I remember like having like like a thought in my head that I shouldn't have had in fourth grade was like
00:08:18
Speaker
How is Steve Wolco's getting his own show? He's just the security guard. Yeah. Steve Wolco's. I'm like, how's he getting that? What did he do? I start having takes on the industry? Yeah, we're like learning about the shot hurt around the world. I'm like, I'm thinking about Steve Wolco's getting the promotion. Yeah, the shot hurt around the world. How about when he threw that chair into his fucking own logo and it stuck? Yeah, he smashed his own sign because he was talking to a pedophile. Yeah. Fucking scumbag.
00:08:42
Speaker
I miss that daytime TV. I grew up watching like the Today Show Fox 29. I love that. Today Show UPM. Fox 29 is just so unprofessional. Just anything on UPM. Oh, King of Queens. I'm pretty sure King of Queens like put like they made like five billion episodes.
00:09:00
Speaker
I was getting weary. That's why I kind of missed like the whole like Channel surfing thing like being at the mercy of when something's on TV. Yeah I used to remember like I used to remember like waiting for raw to come on and I would like be like I'm gonna watch this and then this and then Rawls on yeah I Have raw and I have like Ripley's believe it or not on like I would be back and forth I
00:09:21
Speaker
I remember in elementary school, I was like all about like getting like the ghost work or a book or old records book. I'm like, I'm getting that. Yeah, dude. I showed the book fair with cheese and crumbs in my pocket. I'm like, I'm walking out with a fucking.
00:09:35
Speaker
Ripley's book or a fucking I spy book those stencils I Never had nothing from the book there.
School Book Fair Excitement
00:09:45
Speaker
I remember one time I fucking strong-armed somebody into getting me a fucking an eraser the long football eraser And I literally thought I was a Kardashian Sorry, I can't hear him using my expensive eraser did not do homework I
00:10:00
Speaker
I remember- It would just smear. It would rip the page. I wanted that bendy pencil so fucking bad. And I remember my mom was like, you don't want that. They suck. I was like, can I fucking figure that out? Can I tell you it sucks? Can you shower me with them? Can I fucking figure out if it sucks or not? You don't want that. My entire life is you don't want that. I don't want that. You don't want that. That's crazy because I'm willing to give you away for it. Yeah. No, I live in your dumb
Childhood Desires and Parenting
00:10:27
Speaker
head. You don't want that.
00:10:29
Speaker
Got my kid wants that I'm gonna get a form my kids gonna be a fat fucking monster Are you kidding me my kids gonna be like my kid one day is just gonna be into chainsaws. I'm gonna give him ten chainsaws Yeah, no one my kid wants to be Leatherface Leatherface yeah, who am I to say no?
00:10:45
Speaker
Yeah, it's his life now. Yeah, even if my kid wants multiple ARs. I'm gonna fly ha ha ha ha ha ha now You don't want that cuz that's the next thing somebody's gonna call you fucking flame at school And you're gonna come back and gonna shoot them all yeah now. I already see it I can already yeah, and here's the thing I got it that means I got to get up
00:11:03
Speaker
I mean, and then I got to get up. I got to go. I got to get up. I don't ever want to talk to the principal. You got to get me up. I'll go to back to school night because they're like, Oh, trying to get my parents to like be involved in my school. My mom worked at the school and then I was like, it was last night. I'm like, you work here.
00:11:19
Speaker
My mom, yeah, my true colleague. My teachers used to give me shit. They're like, where the fuck are your parents? I'm like, ask them. Ask them. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm calling them right now. I'm too busy being upset that I smell. I was always the last kid to play. We had trees out front of school. I was always the last kid in the fucking trees. I knew my parents were still 45 minutes out. Down the street. They lived down the street.
Future Parenting Styles
00:11:43
Speaker
They were 45 minutes out. My parents were at least 45 minutes. My parents would just choose to sit in traffic on the Commodore battery.
00:11:50
Speaker
What time is he out of school? We're gonna go get stuck on the commoner barrier for no reason. No, Reed, they're not going anywhere. My parents would like straight up hit up Cowtown on like a Monday, and I'm like, all right, well, I would've loved to go. I would've loved to get a knife from a Native American guy, maybe a green jacket. Something. Something. Anything. I'm gonna get my kid anything. Can I get anything? My kid's gonna put something on the thing. I'm gonna be like, of course, I love you so much. Yeah, of course you get a baby bottle pop. You can have anything. I treat myself to shit now.
00:12:15
Speaker
because I have money. I over-treat. I over-treat. I reward myself with everything. Listen, my pleasure systems are all reward treat-based. I took a bunch of bags of trash out, so I ate a half pound of fudge. I was like, no. Well, wait a second. I was like, yeah, but guess what? I was like, go me. I cleaned my place up. I'm waiting for you to say something that doesn't make any sense. I'm waiting for the bad part. And you didn't deserve it why? Yeah, I'm like, hold on. And you didn't deserve it why? Those numbers check out. I don't know what you're upset about.
00:12:45
Speaker
Like, my kid's gonna walk up, my kid's gonna be like, I want these, like, dumb scissors. I'm like, oh my god, cut your sister's hair. Whatever, I don't care. I love you. Love your life. Figure it out. That you don't like. Be happy. I would, like, I had an uncle that would, like, talk you out of stuff. Like, you go to five below. Fuck you, you're not my head!
00:13:02
Speaker
Like like like my mom would take it like me and a friend to five below and be like yeah Get whatever you want. I mean we go there and be like I don't want that I'm like what this fake nose. Yeah, yeah Yeah, I know me. I find it's fine. I'm gonna get it be better using it. Yeah Fucking go yours your fake nose. Do you have it on you? Yeah, do you have your face? I told you I told you wouldn't use it like sneezing
00:13:31
Speaker
Get outside!
Independent Childhood Adventures
00:13:33
Speaker
What the fuck? None of that. My kids are gonna have the sprinkler, my kids are gonna have the slip and slide. I've been a nail-biter all my life, and my dad used to fucking scream at me when I would do it. He goes, stop fucking pointing your nails, you look nervous. I'm like, I am. Oh shit! Oh shit! You look nervous. I'm like, I am. I'm fucking dying over here. You just kicked my ass, and now we're outside. You just kicked my ass. And now we're outside.
00:13:58
Speaker
I remember going somewhere and being like, they'd be like, like my parents wouldn't take me somewhere. Cause they don't like Kmart. Kmart would like jerk you off about the wrestlers. Kmart would have the WWE sign in that aisle and I'd be like, whoa, you go fucking like get like ginger rails. I'm going to go fucking hit up. I'm probably going to call my grandpa. I used to call my grandpa and ask him to hang out and he would call, he would pick me up. We'd drive around for a little bit and I'd be like,
00:14:25
Speaker
you think you're gonna like halfway you think you're gonna kmart or i keep seeing that i keep seeing that meme
Stuck in Department Store Elevator
00:14:31
Speaker
where it's the cut out of that white trash guy that tore out he goes you say you got no money because i feel like you're lying i feel like i feel like you're lying i feel like you're lying i would be this i would the best way to the best way to follow your parent into the checkout line is you just keep it on
00:14:50
Speaker
This is pretty cool. He's got like, I think mine doesn't have a chair. Well, here's the thing. Like mine doesn't have a microphone. The difference between this one and the, yeah, but this one goes, I guess you only got one. It goes like, yes. I remember it was true. It was true though. Yeah. It was a racket cause they would create a bunch of wrestlers and then they would bring out the next line. They'd all have like multiple joints.
00:15:14
Speaker
Yeah, see, I only played with the, I can't, I'm like that, but I can't hit like a fisherman, like you can't do a fisherman. You don't understand, you don't understand, like I can't do, yeah, I can't do a fisherman. I can't like properly get his thigh up for a fisherman. I remember, yeah, I remember like I only played with like the very, like the deluxe aggression was the name of them. Those fucking things, I had a pillowcase full, I had everybody, I had the whole,
00:15:42
Speaker
brother I made my mom take me to fucking value city that was the city was like a fucking tranq dealer for you back there I made my mom drive me to value city so I could get a I literally put all my Christmas list I wanted a fucking whiteboard so I could write out wrestling cards yeah and I got it I got my fucking board
00:16:03
Speaker
My aunt took me to Vali- My aunt was also like a chief executive, like supplier of wrestlers for me. Yeah. My aunt was like- You always find- You always find one supplier, man. My aunt would be like, she'd be like, do you want to go to Vali City? I'm like, weee. I'm like, yeah, of course I would. I mean, yeah, I could be down. She one time got me- I got a fucking Kurt Angle.
00:16:21
Speaker
With hair shit with hair. It was like behind it was like behind shit. You had to fucking move stuff I went back three years. I went back It was like behind the tech decks I got that and I got a fucking I got a sleepy hollowed headless horseman toy Oh, yeah, and it had multiple pumpkins to replace the head. I'm like, well Kurt angle Kurt angle is never gave a fuck I'll be the first little boy that fucking hit an Olympic slam on a fucking horse
00:16:48
Speaker
Horse toy Kurt Angle versus a headless fucking Hessian soldier But it was like a head on a pole match, but I got that and she like back then I don't know why maybe it's cuz I've been the only kid but like I Would be left in a store like a department store
00:17:04
Speaker
Just I would go fend for myself until they were done shopping I would bring up and then they would filter out everything I grabbed and pick one out of all these cuz I'd be like talking to my mom like well, I mean This is a Bret Hart tag team. This is the Hart Foundation This is you're like trying to get her. Thank you. Like I'm like getting her to be like, well, she's like I didn't like any of them, but now I gotta help Yeah, I'm like, oh yeah, right. Right. Right. Right. Sorry. I'll just walk back and be like Yeah, but like I like
00:17:33
Speaker
Just fucking get it. Please get it, please. I'm gonna grow up. I'm gonna grow up soon. Don't you think it's adorable? I want toys. Yeah, my aunt took me out and then... Fucking get it. Value City had an elevator. It was two floors. It had a basement. Yeah. Well, I got stuck in the elevator for four and a half hours by myself. Oh my. And I had a cart in there with me.
00:17:54
Speaker
Okay, so there was no wiggle room like I had to like the cart was the whole fucking theme of the elevator Oh gosh, like it was the it was literally the carts world. I was just living in it and I was in there for four hours Right screen. I hear my shit. I hear my ankle like where are you? She's like John and Then I hear someone like you're looking for your kid and then I hear I could hear it all and people were like, oh my god He's missing
00:18:18
Speaker
And I'm like, I'm like banging on it. Like it's literally, you couldn't hear shit. I'm like in between floors. So after four hours, this little black kid comes up and he had a pink cowboy hat on and he sat outside the door and he just talked me through the whole thing. He's like, I'll hang out with you. And he just talked to me the whole time. I had a tech deck and I was just like sitting on the ground. What kind of fever dream is this? It's literally there. It's literally didn't happen. It's like,
00:18:44
Speaker
No, I swear on everything four hours. And then finally the fire department showed up with the jaws of life and they cut it open and I had to climb out. I was halfway onto the ground level and they pulled me out and my aunt was like, this was supposed to be a quick run to value city. She was like, just a quick pants run.
00:19:01
Speaker
Just pants. She needed pants. This is supposed to be pants for all of you. I have like four wrestlers on me. Like I like literally was like, hold on me. Like I was like, wait, my guys, my guys. Get him up. Get him up and make sure he's good. That's so funny. See him first. Take him and I'll be all right.
00:19:20
Speaker
I'm really not, I'll die, her angle's not gonna die. And it's so funny, cause I got yelled at, I got yelled at for taking the elevator. I was like, you made me push your card around and I'm out bringing it down the steps.
00:19:35
Speaker
You also left me in a fucking department store in 2003. That's when, like, pedophiles were, like, on steroids. Yeah, 2003. That was pedophiles' steroids.
Wrestling Toy Collection Tales
00:19:43
Speaker
2003, they were picking you up and leaving. There's a bunch of Barry Bonds. Mm-hmm. Like, everybody, like... Bunch of Barry Bonds. Yeah, that's another thing. I would run into other kids in, like, department stores. Like, I would, like, play with another kid. That's dope. Yeah. Like, I'm just... My parents back then were like, we'll want, we'll want, we'll want, we'll want, we'll want, like, Charlie Brown.
00:20:01
Speaker
Like, the fact that I handed Kurt Angle up first. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. To a fireman that's in gear about to save a life, I'm like, yo, get him first. Fucking get him. I'm way bigger than him. I like to imagine the fireman just puts like a fucking gas mask on the Kurt Angle. Nah. Just fucking, yeah, they're just, breathe, breathe. Two finger fucking CPR. Yeah. Like, that shit, like, Value City had good ones. Kmart had good ones. Walmart was all right. Well, Kmart, see Kmart. Walmart's where you get your nerf at.
00:20:31
Speaker
You would nerf it up there. Kmart, in the Lansdowne Kmart, their WWE section was a wraparound. It was the very last section of the aisle, and it went around to the other side. And I thought I was the only guy that knew that. So I would go over there. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, they're running low on stuff. I got everybody in the store.
00:20:53
Speaker
Pipe around the fucking right around the corner. I got I got a fresh boat. You know fucking nothing was you and plus like that era I don't know if it's how it is now. This is so if I'm an adult. I almost want to buy this to figure this out I went to Times Square with my family around Christmas time and like oh five oh six yeah, and toys are us had a WWE section yeah of the store
00:21:15
Speaker
And I was like, like I was coming. I was like a little, I was literally coming in my pants. You're as close to coming. You can get as we have like, we have like 20 minutes to get back to this, this corner to catch our bus back. We took the Chinatown bus, which was like at the time by like $8 a person. Yeah. Dude has no CDL. Just it's like a 12 year old kid driving a bus.
00:21:39
Speaker
and I picked up the Hart Foundation. There's the fucking tag teams, Jimmy the Anvil and Bret Hart, and I was like, holy fuck, it was like 50 bucks. And I showed my mom, and she's like, oh, that's cool, try to pick out something a little cheaper, though. I put it back up, fucking black nerd comes by, like an adult black nerd, picks it up, and he's about to take it. I guess my heart, like, broke, and my mom was like, oh, my God, you got cooked. Yeah, I got fucking, I got wrestled cooked. I got fucking, this guy took my guys.
00:22:07
Speaker
You had already like you had already wrestled matches with them in your mind already like I already like thought like like my cat like my cats gonna be there like my cats the state I Already saw like I already saw like moonsaults off my cat's thigh.
Toy Shopping Experiences
00:22:21
Speaker
Mm-hmm, but then my mom felt bad So my mom told him like hey he put that back He was asking me like that. He wants to take it and the guy was like, well, I'm trying to collect all the other the deluxe one
00:22:32
Speaker
classics there's only one left only one left and then my mom paid him 50 bucks to get it off of him and then we had to go wait in line for another half hour and I remember like on the way home on the bus I Cracked it I cracked the package just to get a whip
00:22:54
Speaker
It's hard to explain it, but I buy one just to get a whiff of it Fucking psycho I cracked open a Batista on the way we were we were on the way home from Ridley We went to Toys R Us for my birthday, and we went to the Zacks hamburgers and Ridley. Oh, yeah
00:23:09
Speaker
Yeah, I remember like we were all getting out of the car And I remember like I had to crack that fucking batiste to open to give it a fucking just take a huff of the gun Oh my god, that's so crazy. That's also really love untwisting them from the fucking from the packaging all the twisty things oh Yeah, I'll tell you
00:23:30
Speaker
That's the thing, it's like, and then every time I think about that memory... It was my only, it was my only, like... Escape. Oh! Whitting a wrestler was my only escape, too. It's the only non-cat piss thing I was getting. That's funny, because I tried, I tried hitting a Barbie. Barbie didn't work. I tried fucking hitting a tech deck. Tech deck never worked. Tech deck never worked. The smell of a fucking brand new wrestler, I literally... Jesus fucking Christ. It goes like that, Annie Ant's pretzels, like Hot Girl walking by hair.
00:23:58
Speaker
Like hot girl on a windy day, like hot teacher. Those like three smells are so good. And then whatever your mom mom's wearing. Yeah. The fucking like literally the Chanel number six. Yeah. Yeah. White diamonds. It's literally like I'm telling you, it's really like it's Annie Ann's number one wrestler. Second smell, Annie Ann's. Yeah. Number three fucking like hot girl hair. Hot girl hair. Pass me in the wind. Yeah. Hot girl hair. Three best smells on earth. You know, do four, make it a Mount Rushmore of smells. Fucking vanilla stepmom candle.
00:24:30
Speaker
Yeah, my clean house vanilla candle is like a clean house is like house vanilla candles in a plus I Smell that and all of a sudden I never failed any fucking paper. I've ever did That's brand-new wrestler.
Sensory Joy of New Action Figures
00:24:43
Speaker
Did you imagine if me and apart and me in a department store now in my car? Just crack them one and be like
00:24:49
Speaker
Yeah, you know, it's even scarier. You know, it's even scarier to imagine me going, yo, pass out. Don't smell it all. You're smelling it all. You're smelling it all up, bro. You're smelling it all, bro. It's so funny. Smelling it all up. Save me some. Yeah. I just bought that shit last week. I know, dude.
00:25:06
Speaker
I remember I ripped the Jeff Hardy from a Mapes that came with a fucking blue ladder. And I literally had like, I literally had like, it was like a pit of chicken nuggets on a fucking zoo pal. It was just up on the ladder. And I'm like, I remember at one point I had one, I had so many wrestlers that I had to start getting ones I didn't like. Yeah, I literally get jobbers.
00:25:32
Speaker
I remember when I got the Carlito action figure and like I guess I don't know I guess the glue for his hair was starting to like wear off yeah so like sometimes I'd be whooping his ass and his hair would fly off yeah I'd be like oh my god I had I had a fucking I would get the ring
00:25:51
Speaker
my aunt Jenny my aunt Jenny now who was so funny is at 10 years old my aunt Jenny wanted to hook me up and get me the elimination chamber and now that I'm 26 she's trying to make me a prostitute it's like crazy how life life doesn't rip when you're an adult I remember one kid in my grade shout out Blake
00:26:10
Speaker
Shout out. In like third grade. He's a thorough wolf. His mom got him the elimination chamber and it had fabric aprons. Oh my. And his turnbuckles were cotton. That is like. And the fucking ring was canvas. Oh my. And you could take the top off so you can get in on the action. That was my biggest flaw with the thing is that I couldn't get in there like in a way that I needed to.
00:26:43
Speaker
We were so poor when I was in fifth grade that I literally was using this kid for his air conditioning and his elimination chamber It's so fun crank it up
00:26:52
Speaker
Let's hang out here. Let's hang out in your bedroom. The lower, the better. Shut that door. Turn the lights out. Put the air on. You leave, actually. Actually, and then put a CD on. We're going to lay here. And I'm going to fucking wrestle. You're going to fucking, like, spectate. Yeah, you could be like the... Because they don't play with it the way I play with it.
00:27:10
Speaker
I'm not mashing them together. I don't do that. I'm not mashing them together. They're doing real moves. They're getting jackhammers. We're getting Irish whips. We're getting fucking, we're getting some corner moves in. I do real moves. I do real work. I do drama. I do commercial breaks. I remember one time, I remember realizing what separated me from the pack was like getting a guy up in the corner and then climbing up and like not doing the crowd counting the 10 punches. They'd be like smack them together and I'm like, you're not like,
00:27:40
Speaker
It's supposed to be real. It's supposed to be real. Asshole. I'm like worried about ring psychology. I was thinking about ring psychology before I was even thinking about food. You know what I mean? There was a website. My dad used to fucking yell at me all the time. He's like, I hate how obsessed you are with wrestling. I'm like, I can't help it. I fucking love it. My parents got a kick out of it. My dad even says now, he's like, you just sit in front of the TV for hours.
00:28:07
Speaker
and just play with them. I'll still do it. I'll literally, like, if it wasn't so scary for other people, because if I saw someone doing it, I'd be like, cops, I'm calling, or I'd get down and fucking, if I was drunk and another dude was hitting the fucking action figures, I'd probably be like, yo, I'd show him, what's hilarious, I could pick it up tomorrow. I could pick it up tomorrow with the exact gusto that I was hitting it with back in the day.
00:28:31
Speaker
I could get right back in. I remember getting that Jeff Hardy with the blue ladder and then being able to pull the apron up and there's a fucking ladder under the ring. I'm not going to school. I'm going to stare at this all day. Oh my God, dude. And that sucks. There's only like one or two kids that like wrestling in my elementary school. Everyone else like the Finleys.
00:28:51
Speaker
And I'm like, all right, that's cool and all, but like, do the Phillies fucking smack each other in the head with chairs? That's the thing. I liked both. I was like torn. I loved both so much. And I get it. I get it. But wrestling was, wrestling's still number one. I don't care. It's the best.
00:29:06
Speaker
I don't care. I don't care how fucking retarded I am. I feel like such a retard all the time. I don't care how retarded I am, actually. I just checked. Like, and it's funny, because I make fun of anime, like, people, because I'm like, ugh, that's so weird. How would you like to check someone? Yeah, Jake Lipinski, he put me in my place. He was like, dude, those two things are fucking same.
00:29:22
Speaker
Yeah, we're also equally as retarded and autistic about it. You know what I mean? I just missed that wake. You know what I mean? Like, I even as like a 26 year old man. Talking about popping the fucking... Getting a... Listen, getting a whiff of that and knowing it's good shit. Yeah, it's good shit. Smelling it.
00:29:39
Speaker
That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit. That's fucking good shit.
00:29:58
Speaker
Wonder if there's like a I wonder if there's like if you look that up is there there's other fucking chuds like us that were I'm scared to look it up. I'm actually My phone's gonna fold like a razor Yeah, it's gonna hang my phone up. You can only look that up with a slide phone, dude That is so I that it's one of those experiences that I thought was uniquely mine and then you find out like
00:30:20
Speaker
We were supposed to be friends way earlier than we actually became like your friends. Yeah. Like if we were little, it would have been insane. Our lives were so fucked up. We didn't have time to even figure that out about each
Toy Collecting Passion
00:30:30
Speaker
other. I didn't even have to. Yeah. And like, it's one of those things where like, I remember kids playing with them and I'd be like, you're not taking it like you're not, you're not taking it seriously. You're not taking it like on a way that I'm into it. Like there's, first of all, you got no entrance music. You can't hum for shit. You can't hum for shit. You can't hum for shit. You can't hum for shit. You can't do a crowd sound with the whisper.
00:30:50
Speaker
every fucking time dude just fuck I was big into I was big into fucking having them tied up on the ropes where they bring the second rope up I was big into that and having them watch a beating oh yeah it was there was ring psychology to the umpteenth degree dude there was kids I was there's kids I was like playing around with Russell's with him like you wouldn't even like like
00:31:11
Speaker
If you throw your guy into the barrier, he's supposed to do a somersault and hit his back against the fucking barrier. And you're not even going all the way around the ring. First of all, you've been out of the ring for more than 10 seconds, so everyone's fired. Everyone's fired. Let's just say I'm going to play and you're going to watch. I would get a ring every once in a while, then my cat would fucking do a tremendous puke on it.
00:31:32
Speaker
Oh, so then I ever hit a suplex into a cat puke now my dad would have my dad would accidentally step in the middle of it Oh, it's my absolutely shatter the whole thing. It's like well. You should have left it in the literally nowhere near anything Yeah, you shouldn't have left it in the only clear space we had you should have left it in the fuck It's like no you wanted to break it because you like when I cry
00:31:53
Speaker
Yeah, you wanted to break it because you hate how happy I am with my imagination. Yeah, and you're pissed because you never had that as a kid because your dad was a fucking drunk and your mom was a cunt. Yeah, your dad was a drunk and also they didn't have Crispin Woz back then. They didn't have Sabu! They didn't have Crispin Woz with the yellow stripes. Sorry there wasn't a Chief J Strongbow action figure, you fucking faggot. And if it was- It's not my problem, it's a generational thing. Yeah, and if it was, it was like the size of a fucking laundry detergent bottle. And it fucking sucked and his arms didn't move, so suck my dick.
00:32:20
Speaker
I follow- Superstar Billy Graham can suck my dick. Yeah, he's not fucking Chris Benoit. His action figure wouldn't move at all. I remember being in line and my mom being like, like, really? And I'm like, well, this is corporate Chris Benoit.
00:32:33
Speaker
Yeah, this is yeah, he's on a I remember I'm ever on a run right now And I'm not screwing this up because you don't have fucking 1299 I'm not like I will literally cry until you fucking get this this is bullshit. You just bought a fucking Tupac shirt That's I want a fucking Benoit. I'm the better
00:32:52
Speaker
My dad don't throw away. My dad made me throw away my Chris Benoit action figure and I was like, this is your moral high ground. This is your moral high ground. This is your moral. I was like, there's, there's 10 dead kittens in my bedroom. Do you want to deal with the hat? A dog puked in here. You literally threw a pizza box on top of that. That was Rottweiler diarrhea. Throw a pizza box on top of the rock. Will somebody get a pizza box on top of that Rottweiler diarrhea?
00:33:13
Speaker
That's the greatest cleanup ever. That's my favorite story of all time. What's so funny is because we barely had any furniture at the time, I walked in and popped the pizza box open. I was like, fuck yeah, pizza. Pizza? Shit is a shit. I tried to lift a lid of the pizza box and the whole box came up and it was just a giant lily pad of Rottweiler diarrhea that everyone just neglected.
00:33:35
Speaker
I had, besides wrestlers, I had a brief, as far as toys went, I had a brief brush with GI Joes. Just briefly. Never had that. And then as soon as they even looked at the squared circle, I was like, who am I fucking loyal to? But I would do a bathtub thing when I was little. Do you ever waterboard your GI Joes? I would just have them battle it out over this waterfall, be it in the sink.
00:34:01
Speaker
That kind of shit. But honestly, when it came down to the fucking, when it came down to the WWE figures, come
Anticipation of Childhood Gifts
00:34:09
Speaker
on. There's a store in Wildwood for collectibles, and this guy collects all of them, and every year I walk in there, and my girlfriend waits outside. She just waits outside. I'm like, you go in like a candle shop? This is Greg the Hammer Valentine. He's got a cloth jacket. And Velcro on it. She's like, you're nuts. You're nuts.
00:34:31
Speaker
Are you am I though? No, we're not no no not at all They just made a whole fucking movie about Barbie about the Barbie suddenly every girls like I had that line I'm like they didn't know you didn't know you didn't know you didn't know what our age had Barbies We had maybe like one or two, but I probably had more Barbies than those girls I had no take hammy downs from my cousins and all that shit I would just have your have toys end up at your house
00:34:53
Speaker
Yeah, we had some no reason to have it. Yeah, we we had actually I remember one time my aunt Christmas shopped for for my cousin Melissa and they we had a bunch of presents for Melissa that I wasn't allowed to touch and I was like, come on, let me fucking open these days. Oh, can I have so they got her they got her Christmas presents in preparation for getting like like adopting her out of foster care. That never happened. They were never they weren't able to get her. So these these presents just went to rot. They went to rot. That's fucking awesome. They let presents rot.
00:35:22
Speaker
I had rings, and then on top of that, I also had the hand-me-down toys. And I noticed all of my wrestlers had this metal fucking prong thing on their foot. I never knew what it was. It would say, like, Jack Pacific, the year it was made with the little copy thing. And I was like, I don't know what the fuck that is.
Secret Toy Room Fantasies
00:35:44
Speaker
So then my fucking mom unearthed, I had a raw Titan Tron, a WWF Raw Titan Tron that had two magnetic bars. So when you put your guy on, it fucking played the fucking music for like 10 seconds. And it had these little stage lights, these little black stage lights that would light up red. And the roster was like Gangrel, Mick Foley, Undertaker, Triple H, The Rock, Stone Cold, and Kurt Angle.
00:36:11
Speaker
And I literally was like as soon as I found, I think it was my first boner. I was like that's the fucking coolest thing ever. I put batteries in it and it fucking worked. That's fucking dope. Something about magnets as a kid is like magic. There was shit that like even now like when I like you know if I ever become a millionaire like I'm just gonna have this room.
00:36:30
Speaker
Just all no one's ever allowed in if it makes I'm gonna play with wrestle guys It's like no one's allowed to know anything if anyone catches me playing with action figures I'm gonna slit their fucking throat Literally, that's so funny cuz if you left me in a room with all of them, I'm playing with them
00:36:52
Speaker
I'm fucking, and I'm gonna, and it's gonna be the way that I used to like- I like to also think that me playing with him, someone's gonna walk in and be like, shit, he like, no, like- Oh yeah! Future in this! Oh yeah! I thought that I had a future in the business the way I was fucking, the way I was booking! Someone's gonna catch me, like, it's gonna be like the aviator where I just lock myself in a fucking room and just like, like, just go crazy. Oh yeah. They're gonna come in and just be like, oh my god, there's a hundred bottles of voltage mountain dew in here. Shut up. And cheese balls everywhere. It's party mix, obviously.
00:37:21
Speaker
Oh my god, it's party. Oh my god. It's my fucking god Jesus fucking cry. Oh my god. Is it party? It's party mix, and it's there's fucking black and white sundae cups the Jack and Jill sundae cup I only like the strawberry ones you like the strawberry Like a couple summers ago where we'd smoke a blunt and you would take all the lemon fucking
Rarity and Search for Unique Toys
00:37:47
Speaker
Italian water I saw take all the cherry and
00:37:49
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, you made friendship packs. Friendship Luigi. They were like, this is for dueling retards. Phenomenal. I remember that I did reach a point where I had all the wrestlers. Right. And so I was like grasping for straws when I would go to the store trying to get one. I remember one time I got a deluxe aggression version of Maga's manager. What was his name?
00:38:22
Speaker
What the fuck was his name? I'm about to pull it up right now. I'm about to pull up the actual figure. That's crazy that there's figures for the managers too. I never got an announce table with the announcers. I always wanted the announce table and I wanted the barricade.
00:38:36
Speaker
I was just gonna ask. I never had a barricade. There's announcer action triggers, dude. I used a fucking A writer, dude. That's fucking dope. I used belts. There's fucking, there's little, like, there's guys on Instagram that have, like, the full stadium. I used every single wrestler to kick his ass. Oh, yeah. Ten times over. He, I want to kick his ass right now. Armando Estrada. I had an Armando Estrada figure who caught work from every guy. Fucking awesome.
Sensory Joy of Toys
00:39:04
Speaker
Wait is this smell coming from like a specific like brand or like yeah, it's Jack specific Yeah, it's it's literally like metallic what I think this package open you pop that open That's some of the best shit you'll ever know My god
00:39:25
Speaker
I can smoke a blunt to my face, and I would not be nearly as fucking high If I took a fucking hit of that deluxe aggression Jesus Christ my leg is going crazy I'm like my parents my mom used to make fun of me too because she was like the one day I was like she's driving home, and I was like I love that new wrestler smell
00:39:42
Speaker
I'm like, it's fucking true. It's literally true. Oh, man. That smell is so good. That's so crazy, because I have a vivid memory of the smell. It's soaked in little Chinese kid tears, and it only lasts about a day or two. I remember holding this, like, Jeff, I already want to be like, I don't want to rub the smell off this thing yet. Oh, I'm not ready. I'm not ready for the smell like ham. Yeah, I'm not ready yet, but I guess I don't really have to hold them for as long as I can drop them, maybe.
00:40:10
Speaker
I don't want to get all over him and now because you have to fucking his arms have to go like this on the swamp and obviously never worked. That doesn't just happen. You have to work. It never worked. It never works. Do they still sell these or are they only like I get? That's the thing is I don't want to buy more expensive now. They're like hundreds of dollars now.
00:40:28
Speaker
Yeah, I don't want to buy one because I'm going to smell it. I kind of want to get one. We should collab on one just to pop it open for the camera. I mean, that's what I was going to try. I was going to buy one in. Just everyone smell it. I want to try to smell it. I want to see what it smells like. It just smells really good. I know what it probably was. It's probably not even that good of a smell. It's probably just the high of getting it. It's just one of the senses. The standard is cat shit.
00:40:57
Speaker
All day, it's just when you get a new wrestler it hits every sense it That's taste feel Good Lord smell taste Lord. I don't care how bad everyone's fighting I mean there's something about like getting something new though It does have like a new scent to this was different though this fucking thing you cracked that package open you're like oh
00:41:18
Speaker
Oh, like every package had that every fucking goddamn last one of them like like not like a dollar Like I remember like Dollar Tree would have some wrestlers sometimes you get like a six-pack of wrestlers and they'd be like don't tough guys Like the brutes the army guys
00:41:36
Speaker
Fucking like happy little toys my grandmother by the way she didn't like that. I liked wrestling at all my dad's mom She
Preferred Childhood Toys
00:41:42
Speaker
was like a Bible beater. She didn't like wrestlers at all, but when I go over house It was the fucking the little green soldiers versus a little tan soldiers Until one went my fucking kneecap I didn't like those but I did like the ones that came with a parachute
00:42:00
Speaker
Oh, parachute guy. Those are fucked up. Those are so sick. I mean, I love those. My brother was really good at getting them to like, I don't know how he would do it because I would throw the fucking thing and it would go. My brother would throw it like up in the air and like it would like go, it would go in circles. Yeah, because it's not made for twerps. It wasn't made like, literally, I'm like, why won't you show me how to do it right? And he was like, because God hates you. I'm like, well, fine.
00:42:25
Speaker
Remember when I was a kid when I lived like my little never broke Like water guns were like real cool because back then there would be commercials for water guns.
Creativity and Childhood Toys
00:42:33
Speaker
Yeah, it'd be like like super soaker Mom's not a bitch. Mom's not a fucking cunt. She'll get you on
00:42:41
Speaker
ask nicely for $19.99 and your mom might not be a fucking bitch.
00:42:57
Speaker
I'm gonna show up to the park of this. I'm literally gonna lick some pussy today. I'm literally gonna lick some pussy. I remember when I got whole cans. Whole cans were fucking... Oh yeah. I got whole cans for like, I think like my eighth or ninth birthday. Fuck yeah. And it was so funny. By the end of the day, my brother and his friends had commandeered them and started a fight club at the park with my fucking whole cans and beat the sound out of them.
00:43:17
Speaker
My fucking cousin Chris never got shit for Christmas. He would get like baseball cards. Every time I would get something you'd have to split it. Me and him both have to split it. I got a set of whole cans and he's left handed. I was right handed. We literally Christmas day. Everyone's eating dinner in the fucking family room. We're in the living room. Literally grabbed each other's collar and just punched. Just fucking like like literally like hockey players. Just duct taped each other's hands together. Just stand and bang. Just fucking punch the shit out of each other.
00:43:44
Speaker
The whole cans are sick. I also had a fucking I had this like Batman or it was like a spider-man like a wrist thing. Oh, yeah, they should shoot fucking webs I wanted this and I had a Batman pistol that was supposed to like retract. It's like a hook like you could shoot it and repel I End up like pistol whipping my female cousin in the fucking mouth I lost that right away. My mom's like, but everyone's freaking out. I'm like crying. My mom's like
00:44:12
Speaker
taking away at the back after so my Shannon my name my neighbors got their kids the lightsabers that would fucking the light up lightsabers that would fucking go out of the retractable one retractable one rock yeah so they got those right and I didn't do I didn't get one
00:44:31
Speaker
And so like I was all jealous of shit.
Childhood Toy Envy
00:44:33
Speaker
If I wasn't I did not get one right. So like we're playing like through the summer though. Their mom used to like watch us like share the fucking thing. So I remember one day I went over there and she like asked me to like help her out with something real quick and she fucking handed me one and it was mine. Go go did go did I went home. My parents fucking took it away because she claimed like that they were trying to make them look bad.
00:44:56
Speaker
Yeah. You're not like, yeah, fuck your feelings. You're not giving my kid a gift. You're not giving my kid the thing he's been wanting because I can't afford it. I was literally... Oh my God. I remember I was like, I was like, holy shit. I can't wait to go home and show my family that I have come up. I have come up that I have achieved for this whole family.
00:45:13
Speaker
and uh hope is here so I remember I finally got it back right and I was like playing with it in the house and they were both like fucking like like fucked up on pills being like who she thinks she is yeah no so spent an 899 yeah who do you fuck you are fucking who are you fucking spending what it would cost to get a classic hoagie from Wawa so my kid could have the endless fun
00:45:36
Speaker
So yeah, so I remember I was fucking like playing with it and I was pointing it I was like pointing it at them and I fucking I fucking sent it out right and it hit my mom in the face It like all I did it didn't like it didn't hurt her in any way but my dad popped up off the couch and Kicked my ass like like I like I beat her up like he like he attacked me like a grown man Darry You have fun with your man insane insane
00:46:01
Speaker
Remember
Emotional Childhood Experiences
00:46:02
Speaker
to this day. I still stress eat. It's okay. Yeah, it's fine. I still stress You're still looking for the answer that in the fucking bowl of 20 nugget. I'm fine. Fuck. Yeah, I remember Anyway, I remember when I was a kid go white savers
00:46:19
Speaker
I was, my friend, he, for Christmas, got. After the podcast, we're both like, ooh. We're trauma dumping right now. It's so funny that we just- He got the fucking Darth Maul double-sided retract. Oh. Fuck you. We can't hide money. When you click that button, I know, big time. We can't hide money. I was calling him big time. Yeah. Big time, Chris. All right, Richie Rich. All right, yeah, all right, money. Okay, Prince drunk. Yeah, so you ever heard of cups? That was us.
00:46:49
Speaker
My parents invented cups, but you'd hit the button in the middle, and you would swing it, and it would fucking flare out.
Imaginative Play and Joy
00:46:58
Speaker
And for a little while, until you beat the shit out of it, it would make noise, right? And I was so fucking jealous. I'd be like, well, the first round, you have it, and then afterwards, I'll become Darth Maul. Well, switch sides, obviously. OB-OB-1, eventually, my death. And you can kill me. I don't care. As long as I get to run around with that thing for a minute,
00:47:18
Speaker
Just any amount of time. They'd be like, come on, give it back. And I'm like, I'm like, you, I didn't like do enough with it. I didn't like get the fucking like, fuck you. I didn't get the fucking twirl it and spin at the same time. I'm like coming up with, I'm like, fuck you. Actually, it just turns out, fuck you. I'll fucking use this better than you. Like, I'm way better at it. You can't even go behind the back with it because you're a fucking punk ass pussy piece of shit. Hell yeah. So that eventually I was like, sad about it. My parents, my parents are all right about like understanding on whether they just didn't have the money.
00:47:47
Speaker
right but then eventually I'll never forget dude shout out shout out like it's like Rio Grande Walmart like walk right before so like right before we went to the shore we would stop at this Walmart and we get like bathing suits all the shit yeah they had a fucking mace windu one it was the ball purple oh hell yeah I for the people asking for the people listening fuck yeah for the people listening if you're not coming already
00:48:12
Speaker
I got the Mace Windu one, it was fucking purple, and then I had a week down the shore on the beach. I was literally in Tatooine. Oh, hell yeah, dude. I was in Luke Skywalker's homeland, just a barren, sandy desert. Yeah, you were. Just fucking fighting with myself. No one. Fighting no one. You're training. You're 22 years old. You're 22 years old. I was 22 when this happened.
00:48:36
Speaker
No, but I remember coming back, I remember coming back to the park, like when we got back from the shore, I'm tan, I basically look like Mace Windu. Yeah, you're Mace Windex? I'm literally Mace Windex, I'm Samuel L. Jackson. I came back with that purple one, instantly hit the fucking, like, actually no, it was probably like a day or two, he was like, whoa, you have that? And I was like, yeah, am I ready to not train it though? I built the hype up on it, and then I ended up with the fucking- Yeah, yeah, I'm not training it though, honestly. Yeah, I remember sitting there thinking like,
00:49:05
Speaker
I guess I'd have to have forearms to be General Grievous because he's got four sabers. I was like, when they come out with that arm, never thinking about a toy that you knew would have to come out because I'm not going to be happy. I knew there was a General Grievous toy on the horizon. There was another thing. I also used to play with Dragon Ball Z action figures, which had a very limited run. And I remember I cleaned up.
Neighborhood Adventures
00:49:30
Speaker
there was like a thing they used to do the fusion thing where they would like they would like basically like like join at the gut and then become one person so the two toys had two magnets in their thing and I remember setting them up near each other I'm like oh why aren't they fucking
00:49:46
Speaker
Yeah, I'm like oh, they don't actually fucking become one guy I had a neighbor that I would play with at my mom's house. He was like three years younger than me So he was like almost like a good like he's like four or five and I was like fucking like eight
00:50:02
Speaker
And I would play, we'd all play in like my backyard and shit. And his, his dad was a dentist and the mom was a fucking nurse. So like he had every toy. Fuck you had every toy. And it wasn't even the shit that I liked. It was like Ben 10.
00:50:18
Speaker
and shit like that. But he, I remember, yeah, he, but he had the fucking carpet. He had that city carpet, the municipal fucking map carpet where he was like, hi, but his didn't add up to mine. Cause I'm like, no, that's everybody knows that's cat shit park.
00:50:35
Speaker
Everybody knows there's been a log of cat shit blocking that side up for fucking years. You gotta take the fucking back entrance. You can't fucking go down that road. It's College Avenue. I already wonky-talked the cops. They are not doing anything about it because apparently it's a municipal issue. It's not a township or county thing.
00:50:55
Speaker
There's been, there's a cat shit laying across. I recognize the rose, but I don't think I've ever been at this municipality.
Sibling Influences and Social Status
00:51:01
Speaker
I remember there was like three older kids and like 20 fucking like, like little kids and we would just, we would play hide and seek and just have these kids look for us for like six hours. And then they would see me and I'm like, you didn't touch me though. You're a fucking gay bitch.
00:51:18
Speaker
Fuck you. Yeah, dude. I had the luxury of, like, my brother playing high school football, right? So, like, everyone knew who he was. So he would just, like, my brother would show up with a football to the park, and then, like, every little kid from every walk of life would just, like, form a giant crowd, and, like, him and his buddies would just huck the ball up in the air. Jackpot? Yeah. Well, not even, like, jackpot. It was literally just the ball. It was just, like, there was no... Yeah. You would just run to the ball, and then somebody would get the ball, and then it would just be a million people tackling them. Yeah. It was the best, dude.
00:51:45
Speaker
God, being an adult really is overrated. When you're in elementary school and your brother's in high school, that's like the tats. I kind of had that too. We were six years apart. My brother's in like older middle school when I was in like fourth grade. Yeah, if you're in high school, listen to this. Kill yourself now.
00:52:03
Speaker
Yeah, basically, no, soak it up. Soak it up. Because when you get older, I feel like it is fun. When my brother was in 10th grade, I was in first grade. Which basically means you were headlining first grade. I literally was like, yeah, no big deal. My brother literally throws a football fucking country mile.
Unexpected Childhood Gifts
00:52:20
Speaker
It's no big deal. Yeah, literally, my brother's friends with Stone Cold Steve Alston. Essentially. And they went to different schools together. And you can't say shit about it because you're also another retarded little kid.
00:52:31
Speaker
My brother's girlfriend gave me like a laundry basket full of WWE VHS tapes. And so she like secured the fucking gold. She was a bigger wrestling fan than my brother. Oh, fucking hot. Yeah, that is hot. Because back in the day, it was cool to like wrestling as a girl like it. You're like, do you got like a like a baby sister I could talk to? No, I'm like, no, I just tell people I was my girlfriend. That's my girlfriend. She's just waiting for me to get old enough for my penis to get hard. Yeah. And then we're going to get married. Yeah. She won't. Don't worry. She's not touching me yet. She's just giving me her wrestlers.
00:53:00
Speaker
She's just greasing my fucking pole imagine going out to meet a chick. She's like we go back I'm kind of been thinking about doing this like money in the bank thing. I already Like advice you over. She's like I don't know I was thinking about like I don't know watching like I don't know Royal Rumble like 99 I was just watching yeah, you're like on a blind date. She's like I was just watching Mike awesome's like top 25 I Like look around for the camera crew
00:53:23
Speaker
Yeah, it's a kind of shit like it's a kind of shit where you like rip and engage a ring off another woman Rip the head rip the married handle Switch hands with her
00:53:37
Speaker
It's so funny. Like now it's like the little things like today I had a hoagie
Pandemic vs. Summer Break Freedom
00:53:40
Speaker
from like a good deli by me and I'm like, this is great. But I'm like, it does not hit it. Like summertime as a child does not, it doesn't exist anymore. We got a little bit during the pandemic. We had 10 weeks off me and you gained 45 fucking pounds. Each leg.
00:53:57
Speaker
45 pounds of toe he paid us to stay home We're like it was so funny because we kept every time we would like get high We would like remember like what we're doing. We're like, you know, this is our retirement You know our generation is never gonna get nothing like this again like amen to that crack a fucking Mountain Dew Might as well fucking let my eyeballs drink it. Okay. That was a great time though
00:54:20
Speaker
But still, do you remember that fuckin' like, do you remember that like half day, before summer started, that fuckin' half day? I don't even care how bad it was at home, I'm like, I'd rather fuckin' hop. Because our houses were like ECW.
00:54:33
Speaker
That's the thing, we were all excited for school to end, but then we forgot what that first week being home entailed. I would be at the park all
Park Adventures and Independence
00:54:40
Speaker
day. Yeah, see, I was fucking... I would just be at the fucking park the entire day. I was at the park, and whoever showed up to the park, I was hanging out with. That was my best friend that day. Yeah. And I would move on. Once they would get serious, I'd move on. Yeah. I couldn't be tied that way. I used to hang with TJ a lot. I would go down there. Hell yeah. We would walk around town. Like, literally, I just remember we would walk around them
00:55:04
Speaker
That's what I like to do I was a big Walker just linger you would just walk around places and just like Literally just look at shit and toss the three L's just linger lurk and loiter just literally we were just yeah, we just little little turds walking around cuz I grew up like where Where I lived it wasn't far enough Wait, no, I was still on the bus, but like sometimes like
00:55:27
Speaker
I would walk to school for some reason, I don't know why.
Childhood Morning Routines
00:55:30
Speaker
But because of that, I was so used to long walks. I would just walk around. I also, I walk to elementary school every day. Yeah. Oh yeah, you lived close to the elementary school. I would wake up. My momma would make me scrapple in hot cocoa and would pat my back until I was done eating. And then I would put my headphones in with my little iPod shuffle that had an engraved happy 10th birthday, Johnny with an eye. Johnny with an eye. That red shuffle had fucking heat on it.
00:55:57
Speaker
I remember my mom used to make me breakfast for the first day of school. And I remember used to think, how come never after that? Why never after that? You only care that my shirt's clean today. Today. And then I'm going to wear the same shirt tomorrow. And then by the time. And guess what? We already wrote it down on the board. It's already recorded that I'm going to wear it again. Yeah, people have already recorded what's going to happen.
00:56:25
Speaker
I remember like, like, you remember doing like cringy shoot when you were a kid, like trying to get like, like an adult to care about something that you care about. I remember getting my aunts and uncles all to sit down and watch urban ninja on YouTube. Yeah. I'm trying to get adults to like watch an Asian guy do a fucking parkour in a mall to rise against. You know what I'm, you know what I remember? Sound of rise against when I first moved to Havertown, all of the kids really liked weird Al and I had never heard of him.
Discovering Weird Al
00:56:47
Speaker
Oh,
00:56:47
Speaker
And I remember, like, I discovered Weird Al, like, at home one day out of, like, curiosity. And I, like, was, like, showing it to, like, everybody. Like, it was, like, news. I was like, are you guys fucking, like, seeing this? They were like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, literally fuck you. I'm like, dude. I'm like, you guys knew this existed and didn't tell me?
00:57:08
Speaker
They were like, we knew this is how you'd act. We knew this is how you have, if you knew, we would not exist there. This is why you don't like, and that's another thing, when someone like, I remember like my brother would say something and then I would think it was funny and cool and then I would start saying it and he'd be like, you killed it.
00:57:22
Speaker
Yeah, that's when you're that's a uniquely as a uniquely older brother thing that you get it's funny cuz I'm a 26 year old man I think really I would kill myself. I heard another My brother's dead so he can't My brother like my brother would like say something I'm like I love to start saying and then I would say like you don't even know what that means you literally like no one says I've never done that to my sister my little sister I've always said everything she's ever said was really cool. Does she do that to you though? No
00:57:50
Speaker
Well, yes, but because I'm nine years older than her I'm an old piece of shit. I'm not cool. I remember one time like I Were eating dinner with like all my cousins and like I got up on the chair and was doing that like belly roll I used to be able to roll my belly And like my brother was like stop showing off and I literally wanted to be like throw up and die I literally like I like literally like begged somebody would shoot me in the fucking head. I was like They called a show off
00:58:21
Speaker
I'm literally literally not literally not he said that to me And I literally had like what you see on tiktok wait. Do you guess it was room just to choke himself? Yeah, I
00:58:34
Speaker
getting embarrassed when you're a kid. Oh, man. I fell one time. I got chased around in that bad kid house. And I fucking caught my knee on the corner of this wall. And I literally hit it so hard. My eyes filled up with tears. And everyone's like, oh, he's going to cry. And I was like, no, I'm good. And then his mom was like, it's all right, honey. You can cry. And I was like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my god.
00:59:02
Speaker
I never cried harder my entire life. I think it's because everybody was like, oh, okay. All right. I get it. I'm crying cause I'm in a world of pain and now I'm embarrassed. So now I'm double crying. Double cry is the best double cry. When you really let it all out. Cause then you get that brutal headache after you get this horrible headache that feels like the end of life. You get a horrible headache and you just have salt water coming out of your nose.
00:59:28
Speaker
Fucking sucks. Yeah, you start licking your lip cuz it's covered in tears. It's all salty. I remember they got my brother They got my brother an electric razor scooter. It was like one of the first things I'm talking. This is like an o2 electric blue It had a fucking shit might as well have been a maserati. It literally wasn't maserati to like six-year-olds Yeah, it had a metal box on it that the battery sat on like a mount and like it never worked It worked like once yeah, and then my parents were like, oh we fed an alligator in the backyard a charger
00:59:58
Speaker
We're like an alligator that ate everything like appliances, but my brother popped. He doesn't have an alligator? Basically, you might as well feed anything on an alligator. You guys had an alligator? What the fuck?
01:00:14
Speaker
Yeah, we had one of those havertonian alligators. I've heard crazier. My brother popped the electrical battery off, but this thick-ass brick of metal was still mounted on there. It was welded on. I wanted a scooter, so they took the electric thing off, and I just rode around with this brick that would weigh it down.
01:00:33
Speaker
I was like bunny hopping on it and shit, but then by the time I got my own brand new razor scooter, I was like fucking, I was like Dr. J on it. I jumped 40 feet in the air. I really jumped a house. It was evil. You've been bunny hopping this heavy ass scooter. They went kicker to kicker on either side of the Glen.
01:00:55
Speaker
Pretty sure I jumped the entire Glen. You jumped the whole fucking... I literally jumped the entire Glen. I jumped the Glen and like got like roses thrown at me from my crush. I went through roses, there's a camera flashing, I had a cape. I never understood, why don't they make like, uh, you know how they have like couple pads and like knee pads? Why don't they make like ankle pads? Why don't they make face pads? Yeah. Cause that's what I would hit when I would fall on shit. I would hit my fucking face. Ankle chop, like the fucking, when the razor scooter becomes a meat cleaver.
01:01:24
Speaker
pretty much when you whip it around yeah cuz you have to do like this motion yeah cuz I'll watch this short on YouTube of these like professional like scooters I guess what they're called like this X game scooters yeah and then they went on this like adult fucking
01:01:46
Speaker
You mean like a literal fucking gay bitch? Yeah, but like they basically went to this skate park and like like they went to the skate park or they said like no scooters allowed Oh, yeah, you can't scooters. Yeah, like they're doing like these cool like X Games tricks on them. So like yeah, like accepted Yeah, they kill scooters, but I thought like and if you liked fucked it up, you'd fuck up your ankles heavy Oh, yeah
01:02:08
Speaker
Dude, oh my god, I, yeah. There should be like an ankle. They wear like high tops. It's not enough to like stuff that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cause your ankle's covered. So it's like. Cause I've gotten chopped in the ankle from one. I got chopped on the inside of the ankle and there was another fucking big lump in my throat for like a minute. I had a scooter that had the sparks on the fucking brake. Oh yeah. If you had a wheelie bar, you were essentially ludicrous.
01:02:34
Speaker
Oh, the wheelie bar, the wheelie bar. I used to call it the death bar. Yeah. I was riding down to Erlington road. It's a fucking steep wall. Oh my God. Barefoot. That's the gate. Barefoot. I barefoot hit the metal break. Oh my God. Slow down. Am I literally my, I was like,
01:02:50
Speaker
Like jumped off the scooter and just like slid down the street like ragdoll for three hours The hill to fall back down I like ran out of hill to fall down so I just kept going back Endless cycle dude, I'm scared to like bomb down hills like I think I've bombed down a hill on a scooter in like third grade That's how I got like like fucking London look on my front two teeth. Yeah
01:03:26
Speaker
That's why I'm scared of like just bombing down like any hill like whatsoever I remember when I learned I learned how to ride a bicycle with no handlebars like I got my balance down I remember like I remember thinking to myself like I will conquer all the pussy I'm a flowbot literally I literally literally
01:03:45
Speaker
My brother loved the flowbot, so naturally I was obsessed. If you like flowbots, that means you wore a hoodie and you rolled the sleeves up. That's yeah, that's me right now. Yes, like over rolling all right now. I remember dude. I remember when my brother got his like first like drug rug and I was like,
01:04:05
Speaker
I do you remember going off any jumps on a bike or a scooter? Yes, I was not a big jumper No, yeah, I would do like maybe small bunny hops our friend our friend Dylan's house was good for that They did a lot of his they just had stuff going on. They were pretty much They were like X Games pull-offs that they just had shit on their pull-off family that had ramps it just He was the only kid with a ripstick. I remember oh
01:04:29
Speaker
The ripstick was awesome, dude. Was that the one where you kind of had to, like, wiggle? Yeah, you had to be secure to ride
Dancing and Sean Paul's Influence
01:04:35
Speaker
it? Yeah. You basically had to dance like a Jamaican girl just to get around the air. You had to shake ass. You had to make a cocktail in your mouth. When you learn how to ride, it comes with a Sean Paul CD. Sean Paul. You have to start riding like Sean Paul. Sean Paul. Yeah, somebody goes on it. I don't even know what he says. Sean Paul, Sean Paul, Sean Paul.
Bike Jumps and Music
01:05:02
Speaker
I remember I got a raise. That sounded good. That actually was really good. Anyway, he's a Portuguese Jamaican by the way. Yeah, Portuguese Nicaraguan. One of the few. One of the few. It's the best.
01:05:14
Speaker
but I remember like hitting like a full set. I remember like hitting a jump. There was one time we had those black ramps, the plastic ramps that would slide.
Imaginary Sponsors for Stunts
01:05:27
Speaker
If you didn't put a sandbag behind them or put them against a curb or like a tree or like someone's mom, they would like.
01:05:38
Speaker
We had we had the two ramps and I remember we were listening to in the end from Lincoln Park on like a boom clearly I was like Okay, it's at any minute. There's gonna be a parade of chicks
01:05:50
Speaker
Courtney Cox is going to come walking on profit up here. I have to see you jump. It's an obscure one for a little kid, but of course. Oh, of course. Oh my God.
01:06:06
Speaker
I would have had her lick my little clit-sized dick when I was like, we're listening to fucking, we're listening to In the End from Lincoln Park and I hit like a four foot jump on a fucking beach cruiser. I literally was like, this is always when chicks never see this. Chicks never see this. And like, even when I was single at one point when I was 25, I was like, chicks didn't even know that I did that. I don't even know how to bring it up on a date. How do you bring that up?
01:06:32
Speaker
You do. How do you bring that up? Because I am. I'm definitely doing that. I remember being in the driveway like this event sponsored by Hershey Bars and Mom's Meat Loaf. This is brought to you by John's Mom's Lasagna. Yeah, this is brought to you by my mom. This is brought to you by Mom's Love.
01:06:48
Speaker
Yeah, my mom's pot roast. This is brought to you by my mom's charred roast beef. Fuck. Shut up, my mom.
Childhood Games and Rock Fights
01:06:55
Speaker
I really think that the only reason I don't have energy anymore is because I don't get my back rubbed or eat Scrabble. I used to be able to suck today's dick every day. I know. I literally lived X Games. I also remember getting a stick back in the day that was shaped like a gun. That's a fucking stick gun.
01:07:14
Speaker
See I was big into like the shape of a slingshot that was like why sheep stick. Yeah, I feel like they're very rare though a Strong enough one to be able to fucking launch a fucking goober mmm a goober to making goobers
01:07:29
Speaker
We used to, in elementary school, there was a couple Russian kids, like immigrants, that came to our school. They were only there for like a year or two. And we would team me and that nasty Irish kid family. We would set up this game where it was called just Rock Fight.
01:07:45
Speaker
We would go to the top of the hill, and then we'd have the Russians come in the bottom, and we had to throw rocks at each other. But it's way easier when you're on top of the hill and you have all the rocks. They always have to kind of take a couple just to get their pile going. It's called D-Day. It's called D-Day. It's called Omaha Beach.
01:08:04
Speaker
And we basically just throw rocks at the Russian kids. I remember me and my buddy, we used to throw rocks at each other like across our little driveway in Upper Darby. Yeah. I remember one time like there's a bunch of people running and we were doing the rock thing and I fucking threw a rock and hit this girl in the fucking head. I hit the girl in the head with a rock and like everyone was like acting like I did it on purpose. I was like, you think I can fucking aim like that? Fuck Jim. I literally was like, of course I didn't hit her in the fucking head with a rock on purpose. I threw it. I'll be in the MLB by now.
01:08:30
Speaker
Die now. I know it was so funny that she got back at me by feeding me a pistachio and closing my throat up She fucking let that fester and tried to take me out That's the other thing too.
Parents' Past Games Reflection
01:08:42
Speaker
It's like with our parents like not wanting us to buy like not wanting biased or he's like alright fine Well, I guess there's rocks outside. I guess I'll fucking have a rock fight then Honest yeah, I'm gonna tell my nieces and nephews Play with rocks. Yeah, go play with some rocks. Go give your friend a good kick rocks, dude. I
01:08:58
Speaker
Kick rocks I hate that fuck I remember I remember like I used to ask my parents to like get me like shit at the store I'd be like I want this fucking like Eagles football and they're like back in my day. We had kicked the can I was like is that why you smoke crack? Is that why you smoke crack? Is that why you fucking smoke crack and kick our fucking ass? Do you smoke crack and you're like 800 pounds? It's because you fucking played kick the can that maybe that's your fucking problem Kick the can probably made you a fucking 800 pound crack head fucking bitch anyway
Outro and Social Media Reminder
01:09:24
Speaker
I think I think we're past I think we covered it and I digress I listen we're excited for wrestling Yeah, obviously Listen if you're out there, and you're listening to this make sure you fucking you know tune in each week Fucking follow us on Instagram TJ Lee one two three John prophet Jim Gillespie comedy we're fucking you know we're doing things I got all types of dates coming up and blah blah blah blah and Fucking you know we'll see you next week and go sniff some wrestlers yeah