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EP 18: Stolen Pretzel Centers
75 Plays9 months ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about TX StreetFights 2, Lumber-Jacquelines on Umpire Diets, and Used Sex Party Dip.
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Transcript
Engagement and Humor
00:00:01
Speaker
Yeah, welcome back close to hell. It's been a month. We got a lot of announcements John you first ah you know You got a big announcement. Yeah, what's my big announcement? You're a retard and reard the being the heaven The biggest thing that happened to me this week. No like literally in the last month. What's the biggest thing that's happened? You're a fucking retard Oh, marriage. Yeah, marriage yeah yeah im I'm getting engaged. I'm umm i'm tying the knot. I'm a one woman kind of guy. Hell yeah, dude.
00:00:30
Speaker
Back off, all you say back off horny horny girls that listen to this. Back off. I know a lot of girls get horny listening to this podcast. This is every girl with a wet T-shirt's favorite show. Yes, every every big Tids Blonde girl loves this show. Yeah, every ignorant cowboy from Nashville. That was our first intention. We're like, we need to we need to get a lot of horny girls on the show. And I'm telling you all, back off. This is the horniest show on the internet.
The Horniness Debate
00:00:54
Speaker
We're all horny every day. I get horny a lot every day, like three at least three to four times a day.
00:00:59
Speaker
I think I'm just perpetually horny. yeah just this age though i think i I think I need to talk about getting unhorny more times than I get horny. If you're texting someone and they're like dirty texting you all day, you're horny all day. but do you Do you think it's good for you to be horny all day?
00:01:14
Speaker
I think it's good for you to have somebody in your life that's keeping you horny all day. If you're doing it by yourself, if you're looking at porn by yourself all day, then that's not good. I think it's good to be horny all day before you have kids. That's the motive. Yeah, but then you get horny with kids. What happens when you're horny with kids? Just fuck that. Don't be horny for kids. That's the only thing. Just don't let your horniness turn into horniness for kids. Horniness for kids.
00:01:43
Speaker
No, I like I I'm pretty much horny all day. There's really unless and then when I'm sick I'm even more horny. Horny's the grossest word ever. Like I woke up this morning hungover I was so horny. Like the horniest. Ooh, horny is gross. Being horny? Yeah. It's better when chicks say it than when a guy says it. When a girl's like I'm horny like that's hot but it's like when a dude's like I'm horny.
00:02:04
Speaker
like yeah get away from me ever been around one of your friends when they're like Definitely horny. Yeah, dude. Our buddy eyes are e my eyes again horny. Yeah, I've seen him be horny Oh God, we used to fucking yell at Desmond for being too horny Desmond invented the word horny. He actually is the horniest guy ever cuz he'll literally just start making out with his friends You know, it's really funny to like Like like there's like levels to horny as well. There's been grabbing some people it so ze he's so so Yeah, but it's because he's horny you know you don't do that on horny it's That's not a that's not a that's not a you know ah a fucking resting penises I've done some weird shit to my fiance and then and she's turned around and I'm like what I'm horny
00:02:50
Speaker
And then I think about how gross that is. What? I'm horny. The horny a whole demon lives in me right now. Horny is like... Horny is like... Being a horny guy is way more dangerous than being a horny girl.
00:03:03
Speaker
No, I don't think so because horny girls get murdered. Horny yeah horny girls get chopped up. yeah Horny guys get rejected. Horny guys get rejected. Horny girls get chopped up. Yeah, but then horny guys chop girls up. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think psycho pills chop girls out. But you don't think it makes them horny? No. I think it makes them horny. I think they get horny when they do. No, I think they feign horniness to lure them in.
00:03:27
Speaker
So you think it's synthetic horniness? I think it's, I think it's, the I think it's Delta 8. I think synthetic stuff. CBD. I think it's CBD horny. Diet horny serial killers. I've been CBD horny where it's like, where it's like, I'll be like talking to somebody and it's like, it's not really going anywhere, but it's like, I'm still trying to see like what's going on. That's like CBD horny where it's like, I don't even really think I like this girl.
Gender Stereotypes and Myths
00:03:49
Speaker
Yeah. Or guy, or guy, which is okay. That's okay too. That's okay too. That's okay, too. um Or them. i've done it before Actually, I draw the line at he, she. he should yeah No theys should ever fuck. No. I think that's what makes them a they. Right? Well, there's they should fuck the other people inside of them. what what yeah Imagine being so horny that you're like, there is a little girl who lives inside me.
00:04:12
Speaker
I don't think that's horny. You don't think it's horny? No, I don't think that's horny. I thought they were just really horny guys. I didn't know they were sick of them. I think another word comes into play. What's the other word? I don't know. Randy? Yeah. Raunchy? Yeah, Randy. Randy's weird. Randy's like, you're like looking around. Randy's like, when I get to see these. But you started like, looked like... Yeah.
00:04:32
Speaker
This guy, last night- Randy guys walk around the bar with no drink. South Philly is where the Randy guys hang out. The Randy on there? South Philly, it's like a dude in a fucking Sixers jersey. He's like trying to grab your wife's pants. That's Randy. That's Randy. His name's Randy, too. It's like double Randy. Yeah. Yeah. Last night, there was three fruitcakes that came to my show, and they were like super early. Oh, come on, dude. Bro.
00:04:55
Speaker
I got it, I got it. Bro, what am I saying? Shut the fuck out. I'm sorry, I'm so horny right now. You spilled his Red Bull. You're drinking a fucking Red Bull. He's like, why am I so horny? That's that's drinking oh that's literally horny juice. Literally a bull. This is literally horny. That's bull juice. We just started a fucking energy drink just called horny. um Like, did you get enough horny today? Yeah. have you seen those Man, have some horny. I think it's called hams. it is yeah Have you seen those? Have you taken a hams?
00:05:21
Speaker
Yes, I've taken a hymns, and I've taken a blue chew. I like blue chew a little more than hymns. Yeah. So if you guys, listen, if you guys ever get to us, we'll sponsor you. I got reviews. Yeah. I got reviews. We're horned up. Talking about how I fucking felt like I was having a heart attack, jerking off. I took a blue chew. Do you like it? It tastes horrible, don't they? Yeah, it tastes like a steroid when you, when you, when you fucking, when you have like double pneumonia. It tastes like a battery. Yeah, it does. It tastes like a... So gross.
00:05:45
Speaker
It got like stuck to my tongue. There's two of them I tried to take you without a drink and I got stuck to my tongue and I had I I mean BBG were just talking again before we got back together We were at the bar and I ate one at the bar as I was getting ready to close the tab out I had it get jammed up in a cavity And it was literally packed into a cavity, and I'm sitting there trying to suck a blue chew out of the cavity. I'm i'm like trying to get i'm like i'm trying to like suck at least all the horniness out of it. Yeah, trying to get the horny? yeah like I'm like trying to get the horny like in my mouth like more. But yeah, like the and then it was the most insanely embarrassing thing, too, because we got back and her friend got sick. Oh, no. So now she's taking care of her friend, and i'm like i'm like I have a black dick. Yeah. i have like the My dick is the blackest that's ever going to be.
00:06:30
Speaker
And I just went to bed hard as fuck. I literally passed out horny. Damn, that sucks. The worst way to go out. It is the worst way to go out. Like, what about horneys not getting some. nauseous Not getting some is the fucking worst ever. It's the worst thing in the world. No one likes that. um i I
Dating Profiles and Apps
00:06:48
Speaker
can't take a loss either. Like, I'm not mean, but I'll be like, all right. Ask me for something. Ask me for something. I'm bricked. Oh, I can't take the trash out. My head hurts.
00:07:01
Speaker
My head hurts now. I'm like, oh, I'm bloated. My head hurts. I have a head. I have a head now. Yeah. I'd rather go to bed hungry than horny. Go to bed hungry is nice. At least you wake up morning skinny. Yeah. Morning skinny is true. You wake up double horny, and it's still not working out, and now you're tired? You're tired double horny? Bad. Dude, that's bad. Bad day has started. The dating scene is fucked up, man. If you don't get some for a little while, you start to fucking get crazy. You start to change your profile up. You start to get weird. You change your dating profile up. You're like, what am I doing wrong?
00:07:29
Speaker
When I was single, when I was on Tinder, I would change my stuff. like If I didn't get any hits, I'd be like, I gotta go in and and change my... like There's something wrong with me. That's not a good enough fun fact.
00:07:41
Speaker
Like I'm like I could parallel park and two points like that type of show like that's not working. That's that's not doing it ah doing I'm an adventurer. It always starts off. I love adventure. I like yeah, I like hiking camping adventure I'm eating I love I love deep stew. I love I love a deep stew. That was just your ex-boyfriend yeah yeah deep still forty ex It is funny like that there you go from being like still me like a little known fact about me I think books are better than the movie and then it's like cool this guy's cool And then you like go on there and like you really chat with them And it's like you ever see what like a hot dudes tinder looks like as a hot dude ever showed you his tinder Yeah, has nothing on looking dude. It'll be like It's literally a voice memo. I've been going... It's literally just them being like... And then... It's so fucking funny, dude. So funny, yeah. I mean, while I'm like, I need to make myself more interesting for the opposite side. Well, here's the problem. with that i i'm I'm not presenting on an image of myself that is is lovable. Please don't take every picture I put up as how I look right now. I just haven't had a lot of pictures taken of me recently.
00:08:51
Speaker
That's literally how I was. I was like trying to like, I was trying to get people to like take candidates of me. Yo, can you fucking like take it? So I just got my brother to take a picture of me doing cannonballs off a diving board and I just kept screenshotting the video. So I just put five pictures up of me in different phases in the air. Yeah, this is pretty much like way more hits with that. I literally got way more fucking hits on Tinder with that. Because girls are thinking that, seeing them, they're like, he's adventurous. That's a written like a retarded guy. Thank God, a fat retarded guy. Thank God.
00:09:19
Speaker
They're like, they're nowhere. I can't find one anywhere. The weather is changing. Fat retards are about to come up. It's hoodie season, and they all want to get the hoodie bus. We have like two weeks until we really need to be our best selves. Literally, as soon as I put a Carhartt sweatshirt on, I'm literally John Fetterman for six months. People think that getting the summer body is the real thing. Having some fall weather. If you're ready for the fall,
00:09:45
Speaker
I'm ready. I have hoodies. I have like I have like built-in like genetic like nacho beams in my body Yeah, I could be able to hold nachos like like no other you know yeah group like Those are like that's talent like being able to hold down a whole thing of nachos like that Yeah, I forget forget like starving yourself all winter to like look good in the summer should be a fat retard to have fun Yeah, and then when it's hoodie season everybody's thin in a hoodie true Everybody's hot when it's cold out They're looking for the warmest guy survival. I'm the hottest guy in the fall. Yeah that is yeah it is a survival I'm gonna have 14 boyfriends in this fall fourteen boyfriend Yeah, you're gonna be playing what's that what's that game? I'm gonna have a what you're go like I'm gonna have a week b-week boyfriends You put you play like real life is winky like all through the winter. Yeah, I I just have a bunch of zoo-zoo pets coming. 14 bears in a cave. He's gonna have 14 boyfriends eating out of zoo pals in this basement. Watch a TV. they Good morning, boys. Morning, boys. Horny is a dangerous mindset, though. Horny is a dangerous mindset because you end up having 14 boyfriends during the fall. That or people would have a fuck-ton of kids back then. Oh, yeah. Well, also, poor people, that all they do is fuck. They have not been out on the Well, they needed the kids. they needed the like the man
00:10:59
Speaker
manpower if for like farmwork they They're literally willing to spend 18 plus years of taking care of something so they can come in the person Oh, they like fuck their own kids? No, no, no, I'm saying no. Yes. we Yeah. No, I'm not saying like they're raising them. I'm saying like fuck their wife, like raise to fuck. yeah Like back then, like people were like, we're gonna get married. I'm just gonna keep coming in you and and
Nature Documentaries and AI
00:11:19
Speaker
and we're gonna- We're gonna have as big a family as God wants. As big as God's gonna allow it, then I'll do it. I'm God. I'm not gonna stop. My dad's God. And he told me to keep going. and Boom, boom, boom.
00:11:32
Speaker
Yeah, with certain cultures, they let the dad fuck fiance for what cultures yeah yeah it's the Name one culture that's in. It's the culture my brother told me about on the way to Taco Bell. Last week. It's just a fanana. He's like, you know that's a thing, right? So I've just been walking around telling me, you know that's a thing, right? Yeah. That's the most dangerous person to get information like that. No, that's the best person to get information from. We literally have AIs now. I spent two hours last night looking at a video of an animal that didn't exist.
00:11:59
Speaker
There's an AI generated animal with like a BBC voiceover. I'm good, and I was like that is I'll just watch wait a minute. That's AI like kind of like forcing your hand onto like just never using devices again And just believing what you see believe everything you see everything you hear everything you see I'm wondering like how many like nature documentaries. I've watched are actually legitimate though Like BBC or yeah, that's what I'm saying. I've never seen it's all in a tank They take the animals and they put them in a enclosure and then they fill them. Yeah. Yeah. Yes How else how else are you gonna get a fucking video of a spider? Like doing like you have the spiders whole day. Yes, you literally watch a spider vacuum a leaf. Yeah And then vacuums up his leaf. Literally watch Spider scratch his nuts and play Madden. Yeah, they literally showed a dung beetle doing like a cannonball off a leaf into like a creek. I'm like, how did you get to that? How'd you get that shot? Oh no, honey, I'm going to go away for six weeks and follow dung beetles.
00:12:52
Speaker
Yeah, I think some of its terrarium then some of them. It's wild The real big shit. They'll just go film it. You're not putting a you're not putting a giraffe in a warehouse and follow here That would be really fun. Yeah, you are though Like game debate giraffe walks around the Ford warehouse Stepping We have some, like, alien-like ass animals, though. You've seen that, like, deer with, like, that weird ass, like, elephant trunk thing? Yeah, that little, how are you talking about? I don't like knowing that thing. It's so weird. Like, if I saw that as on alien, I'd be like, this is weird. I like, I remember, like, Googled what that thing tasted like. It was like, people were like, like, shit, sucks. There is animals. The fact that we store, like, discovering animals is fucking crazy. Yeah.
00:13:34
Speaker
And the animals that we think are really cool, some of them are really hard to find. Like orangutans are hard to find. Orangutans? They're hard to find. They're in the they're in Borneo. But there's one in every zoo. And they're like they're like a thousand feet up in trees. Like they they they don't like walk around and graze. They're literally in those tall ass rainforest trees just sitting there with their big tits and big faces. They're trying to hide. They're camera shy. Yeah, they're just fucking, they're hard to find. And gorillas too. Can't find gorillas anywhere. Can't find them. Can't find them. I Don't even go there never mind yeah, it's like well you've been on the 103 I was headed there just oh Man I was headed there. Yeah, I thought he's gonna see you see Deadpool Wolverine lunchtime the other day yeah
00:14:23
Speaker
like it So far I went and saw a Beetlejuice to And it was I spent 42 hours on tickets and I got to the movie theater. No one was working. Oh my god Walked a ticket to Dubai two tickets 18 something a fucking ticket to go see Beetlejuice.
00:14:43
Speaker
and I got in and no one scanned my ticket and nothing like just walk I could have just walked in and fucking did that Yeah, that's where your text on the cast right now. No go off your phone Stop being a 14 year old girl. It was important stop being a 14 year old girl. You know super important you texted. He's like no no one no one no ah That's my new friend No, but that's what I wanted to do. I want to like just like, uh, like hop into like movies for free. I used to do that as a kid a lot. My brother worked at AMC, so I saw everything for free. it's also It was pretty sick. mar And I would get fucking pretzel bites, which I was never. Obviously, John and I ever had this as a kid because what? We didn't grow up in West Egg.
00:15:23
Speaker
Oh, because it cost a billion freaking dollars. Yeah, they were a billion fucking dollars. Everything at the movie theater. Oh my God, when you called Reese old money, that was the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. I called it a flower vase, and he called it a vase. A vase?
Nostalgia and Childhood Memories
00:15:35
Speaker
I'm a fucking asshole. Yeah, John was like, I used to drink Coke out of a vase. My grandmother just skipped cups. Yeah, she just gave me a vase. Put me right on the vase. She probably thought it was adorable. Yeah. And I was like, I'm adorable. I'm a cutie pie.
00:15:52
Speaker
If you're a grandparent, you're supposed to fatten your kids. You're supposed to make them ungodly fat. Make those cheeks chubby as possible. Dude, our buddy just had a baby five seconds ago. Oh yeah, congrats, Desmond. Congratulations, Desmond, and congratulations, Bree, and congratulations, Griffon. What's on the earth, baby? Griffon, first guest on the cab. Put a baby up here. Well, it's like, honestly, I've been waiting to get on the cab. I've been listening to the other phone in the womb.
00:16:17
Speaker
but Meanwhile, he's only just going to spit milk on the fucking mic and break it. Amazing commentary. I wish I could say that. It's like, what is your opinion? What do you think about the election? I mean, that's what I feel. I'm voting for both. I'm voting for both. Oh, I'm going to vote 60 times. I'm going to vote for both. I'm going to vote for my mom. My dad mom already voted, which is cool. My dad mom already voted too. Nice. She already voted. Did she cancel each other out? She told me she voted.
00:16:47
Speaker
I'm writing in Bernie Sanders because I really think this is our year. Somebody took my mom's urn and pushed the button with the urn. Have you voted yet? Yeah. I voted in 2016. I voted in 2016 as well, but not 2020.
00:17:04
Speaker
No, sorry I voted in 2020 not 2016. I didn't vote in 2020 and like I think it killed my mom She was so fucking upset. she' She's like say you just don't care about women or I was like I literally don't like no I've been a man my whole life. I literally love you. How the fuck sister. That's it I love you and my sister and every other woman's a whore every other woman literally shows too much skin as a whore Yeah, every other woman in my life and driving hell No, I know they all gave me an eating disorder. No, yeah except for you and and and sis. That's it That's it. No, I like women. I love women. Women are my my favorite people. Oh, shut up. All of my, all of my great, but all all of my best friends are women. Just horny right now. I'm just horny. That's what happens. That's you being horny. I'm horny. That's just funny. I always love when there's, you always see that one guy at like the bar that's like talking so nice. There's always the one guy that's like really nice to girls and I'm like, you're so horny. You're so horny. You're so horny. That's all it is.
00:18:00
Speaker
and Yeah, yeah for sure. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah, that's so interesting. I'm like yeah pull it out I want to get a fake horny meter that only has a
00:18:16
Speaker
y'all it's the horny ommeter A male feminist? Oh my god. he and isaac Me and Isaac the other night were watching videos of this guy. on I found a new YouTuber I like. It's called Texas Street Fights 2. I'm assuming one got shot down. But this guy goes to Sixth Street in Austin right by like Mothership and all those bars with a fucking 1080p like 4K camera or whatever like high quality movie shit. 1080p 4K? Whatever the fuck. just It's got a bunch of picturesque. Jurassic Park camera like the new the new one.
00:18:47
Speaker
And he, like, will literally, like, these ballers pour out at 2 a.m., and then it's, like, riot fights every single night. A fight breaks out there. A fight breaks out there. You have got to come to Austin, man. You have, like, a Yeah, well that's the whole thing is like the bars on 6th Street. There's like a jock bar fucking biker bar There's every time so like at 2 a.m.. These there's an anime ninja bar 2 a.m.. Yeah, literally everybody's there like 2 a.m.. Everyone floods out to each other Yeah, and they're all waiting for an uber and then just fights ensue Texas 6 what? 6th Street. Yeah, there's seven Texas Street fight Two
00:19:21
Speaker
make sure it's too But me and Isaac watched, it was a fucking 10 on 10 Mexican beatdown, right? And it was all Edgars. And swear to guys I swear to God, me and him watched the two guys posture up, one dude like blew into his thumb and puffed his Edgar up, like, he literally like puffed it up like a bird, dude, they were like,
00:19:43
Speaker
They literally frizz their Edgars up. like I'm talking like legit bowl cuts. like The Edgar is such a funny cut. like it's said Yeah, but it was like a personified fucking person. Edgar. The Edgar. Those little bangs. This dude will film a fight, and then he'll see another fight break out, and he'll chase a cop to go see the other fight. Oh, hell yeah.
00:20:01
Speaker
guy i i on then mans game beat know But he films it like he feels like and man it it looks like a movie it is it looks really nice He films it like he films it like Michael is directed by Michael Street light wide screen and on top of that he's constantly wherever the fight is like right in the middle That was a fucking knockout as a knockout look out scare me now. Yeah head straight to concrete.
00:20:25
Speaker
Yeah I forget how fragile the human head is. Now they're trying to get this guy because he punched the Edgar guy. he punched the ed bat Oh my god. I love when they get dropped. It's crazy. They fall so hard. Well he didn't he didn't blow hard enough on his thumb because Edgar's not puffed enough. Yeah. And look the black dudes are like get it dude. The black dudes get so excited when there's a fucking fight. The blacks. they love it They love it. They literally love it. It's awesome. Old star maybe. It's awesome. Yeah they literally they give you a crowd.
00:20:51
Speaker
they do you like a legit wrestling crowd and it's like a little over yet it's like a double over like the cannon show what's that thing called um know wild and know But then these like Texas Rangers, you'll see the Rangers come in with their fucking they'll come in well here This is a rare one a pepper spray. I was about to say there's a rare because they'll come in on a fucking horse Yep, they come in they the the cavalry comes in with pepper spray and tasers I watched four horses take a shit at the same time and like two in the morning and also And like a bunch of people are like, oh my god um no Where am I supposed to go? Yeah
00:21:26
Speaker
that's That's I think that's what causes all of this is like 2 a.m. 30 different types of person come out wasted and they're all trying to get new burs And it's like literally like a fucking like like Eagles parade every single night Why are they in the middle of it is actually for this one? Oh, he had to put him down he had to on the weekends It's crazy, but I I was in the job off because the cops are literally at every fight like they got about 30 seconds to try to get as many shots as they can and and then the cops are there and Even the knocked out guy has to, like, get up and not be knocked out. He's gonna have to run away. is literally I watched the guy get knocked out, get up, pepper sprayed, and then he's running through the crowd. He's literally running through the crowd blind. and like we Me and Isaac were watching, we like, why is this guy jogging? He should be, like, sprinting. Like, wait, he can't see anything. and he's knock out Then they hit him with the fucking stun gun and he literally does, like, a dolphin dive into the ground. into but yeah And he can't even explain himself because he's fucking blind.
00:22:20
Speaker
where are these This is great though. He just slapped a girl, didn't he? I was a gay guy. Alright, nevermind. Gay guys can slap women. Gay black guys get the pass. They can slap whoever they want. But they can also get beat up by a black girl. Honestly, I feel like you get like three strikes if you're a woman. Yeah, and you can defend yourself. Three strikes? That's a lot. I get spit if you spit on me. You're letting a man of Nunes hit you three times? No.
00:22:46
Speaker
she's different She's different, but you don't know what I think studs are you don't know? not know that girl stu groar yeah You're taking the chance any chick could be a a boxer or here's There's a video on this page of anyone you're out of your mind to defend defend the You're out of your mind Bob and weave I'm more like bottle lost your fucking mind A chick can catch a bomb. You take one swipe at me, it's fucking dead time. If you, if somebody hits my girl, if a girl hits my girlfriend, I'm gonna go. Oh my god. Dude, he's getting stampede. He's getting trampled. Holy shit. It's because they literally just probably just dropped the fucking tactic. Like, these cops love their job. Because they, it's like Clash of Clans every night. It's just they show up, they literally, they show up, they just beat the shit out of like the first guy they see and then everyone runs.
00:23:29
Speaker
that's oh my god this this chunks your cobbly just jog it in there's look at this there's like 150 cops yeah i'm gonna beat the shit out of that cop ran up to taze that guy and he's already knocked out it's awesome dude there's a fat guy that tried to break up a fight and ate like five or six clean shots to the face and then they tased him ah They didn't know what happened. They're like coming through a crowd and just see this monster man like try to fucking They're like shoot him five times and him everywhere yeah get him They literally shot him on the knee then the two guys were fighting on the ground and they tased them from either side and they went out So romantically they were holding each other <unk> they weren Like strangling each other to be like Cuddled they're like spooning on the ground We're like two people get arrested and while they're getting arrested they're still spitting on each other and
00:24:14
Speaker
You can't cuff my mouth. Yeah. like I'm not trying to deal with any of that. I would like to see it from like an apartment complex. Yeah. Just sit there and just watch it unfold. Nah, because- Dude, look at all these horses. Calorie. The horse rangers are here. I'm so paranoid of somebody opening fire in one of those that I don't want to be anywhere near that. Especially Texas. Yeah. oh They all got them. Standing ground rules.
00:24:37
Speaker
Dude, I honestly want to see a horse cop arrest someone, but they get, like, lassoed horses. They have to throw them over the back of the horse. They throw a net over the fight and just fucking seal the net up. Start dragging people. Drag them like, yeah, drag them like fucking dodge balls in gym. That'd be crazy. I mean, they got fucking, like, what is it? There's probably a substation right off of Sixth Street that just every night they just stack them up. They just have, like, a hundred people arrested.
00:25:02
Speaker
I mean, this is probably how we get there. It's catch and release, though. Yeah, they get it with a drunk tank. Catch and release. Cops are basically down there fishing. Well, I mean, that's their money makers. You gotta arrest them once and then you arrest them next night. You gotta throw a link up on this so when people are listening, they can watch this. Tag the page. Maybe they can get it promoted. Yeah, dude. Partnership. And the best part about this is I looked up one of these videos the other day and it said it posted three days ago. And I was like, okay, so this is happening. This is happening. This is last night. This guy's hanging out.
00:25:32
Speaker
that Yeah, shoot a like on this guy.
Street Fights and Texas Culture
00:25:34
Speaker
Listen, make sure to check out TX Street Fights 2. It's pretty sick. He shoots fights like Michael Bay. Speaking of fights, what are you doing tonight? Going to the bar. Oh, that's right. I think the fights are going to be on there, though.
00:25:51
Speaker
ah Yeah, and I'm going down to helium. I was gonna say you should come to us. You'll see yeah, that's pretty cool. You should come through Instead of going to fucking media. I would already meet plans. Oh, yeah What else we got on there another one yeah I mean if we don't if the camera doesn't work one week, we should just have one of these riots play out while we're doing Okay ah fun There's a few good ones. And this guy, like the cool part about this guy, he'll see a cop like run past him and he'll just run, chase the cop. Like, where's the cop going? I want to see chick fighting. Chick fighting is like everyone lets it happen because it's impossible for them to paralyze each other. They just pull each other's hair. Jesus. I'm done with this shit. Just body slam a woman. but It looks like they got away from the cops to fight each other. disagree Yeah.
00:26:45
Speaker
If I was a girl that was, like, prone to getting in fistfights, I would just wear a swim cap. Swim cap? Yeah, just put it over my head every time. It's the fucking bald cap. I would just go with, like, cornrows. Ew. They should pepper spray her for literally acting like that. Being sexy while arrested is nuts. Doing anything, like, while getting arrested is crazy. She beat that girl up. Now they're both getting arrested. Imagine getting beat up and then arrested. Like, no, I just got beat the fuck up. No, I'm good. I'm going home, actually. I just got fucking hit in the face for no reason. That's double-laws.
00:27:13
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like... Oh! She slammed the sh... Oh! Oh my gosh. Damn. Yeah, definitely chocolate link up for this. Oh my god!
00:27:25
Speaker
This guy, this camera guy, is like, this is my career. Like, why did you quit your full-time job here? He's a great camera guy. He is. Just filming blacks fighting in Austin. It's not even just blacks, it's everybody. everybody everyone every drunk mode This one, this one is. There's one where there's like, there's one where there's like a bunch of fucking soldiers versus like a bunch of black dudes. Oh my god. And it's like instantly, as soon as like, as soon as they're arguing, two of the military guys go over and kind of like clear the perimeter. Oh, look at the pepper spray. Yeah, look at it, it's like literally the fucking,
00:27:52
Speaker
It's like a fire hose. This is the same, like nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m. And they just walk away. Here comes the guy to arrest them. Yeah, they well they're just walking like notchalantly. They can't see shit. Yup, you're coming with me. What? Wait a minute, I didn't do nothing. Let's talk. Get rid of this shit. They're not gonna, we're not gonna, you're not gonna line up the fucking footage with the audio, so there's fucking...
00:28:17
Speaker
but things cool talk about We can commentate on that we should do that one of I know but like they can't watch it also, so it's like What's new with you? Fucking I got some cool shit going on. I'm fucking going to Atlanta helium brand-new fucking club for William Montgomery William Montgomery Yeah, it's gonna be fucking crazy. I bet you the energy is gonna be insane Um, I'm sure he'll sell them all out too, which is probably, is it just you and him? There's another feature. No, it's Rob too. Nice shot at Rob's net. Oh my God. Yeah. He was killing the other night. He's being robbed. He's being robbed too cool at the, at the fire. Yeah. I was, I was in and out. He was being robbed too cool at the bonfire. He's big time. Yeah. Yeah. This is so funny. I was calling him big time. Big time Rob big time.
00:29:09
Speaker
He's like, what? I'm like, you got a big cigar? Big time? Calling somebody a big shot until they get upset is so funny. The best is when he accidentally inhales a little bit of it and he goes... He inhales a little bit of it and he's like... Oh, fuck!
00:29:25
Speaker
That's so funny. Yeah, I love when he does the cigars. That's so funny. He likes them. He doesn't. You think he hates them? He doesn't. He gave me one. He gave me a little skinny one. It wasn't bad, but I was like, I i don't. I just want a cigarette. Like I just smoked as a guy. It's kind of makes you want a cigarette. I don't do cigars. I don't really like certain types of
Cigars and Masculinity
00:29:43
Speaker
cigars. like ah f get I think too like crazy. I like ah something mild.
00:29:48
Speaker
Yeah, I just think it's like a thing we're guys doing guy I never need I never felt the need to do guy stuff except for like except for guy buds Yeah, it's like cigars are gay, but it's not it's not it's actually brave and cool Yeah, it's way cooler than cigars way cooler than yeah pretty much any other thing guys do I think cigars are one of those things like it's like when you're a kid and like beer tastes horrible and the beer is not really that bad after a certain age and Like, did you have beer as a kid? I still think it tastes horrible. Why do you think I can't drink beer? You literally can't drink beer. I chug beer. You'll open it and then it'll just literally, I'll watch it boil in your hand. I chug beer because I hate it so much. Did you ever have it as a kid? Did your dad ever use it? Yeah, so I'm like, I used to drink it alone as a kid. I used to get it myself. Did your dad ever let you have like a little taste of beer? A little bit, yeah.
00:30:38
Speaker
When you were a kid, that's my my dad did it with me and it was disgusting. I'm like, how the fuck can you drink that? yeah Because it didn't taste like literal just sugar. It didn't taste like tea core. I'm like, how could you drink that? there was also There's also a hot bush light that was like sloshing in around the bone. There you go. It had seaweed on it. He was like, here you go. Take that. I think the whole thing was like, don't try this. i was like You wait 20 years. I'll show you. Wait 20 years and abuse it when you're when you're old enough to abuse it. You'll be all right. Yeah, I'm trying to cut back. That's good. Are you drinking that much to cut back?
00:31:11
Speaker
Oh my God, yes. I drink a lot. Are you getting after it? I've been getting after it since I was like 16. Yeah. I like drinking, I don't mind it. I've been drinking for like 10 years straight. I don't drink like all weeknights or anything, but like if I go out like Friday or Saturday, I'll drink. But I've been getting real good at not getting wasted. Like I'll just literally have a couple drinks when I go out somewhere. That's good. Wait till your limit. Yeah. I feel like that's like really good for people to drink. I drink Wednesday and Friday.
00:31:36
Speaker
Wednesdays and Friday have this week. Just as I drive like those are your days. No, I I Wednesdays Fridays and and Tuesdays And I had a couple beers Thursday, so I'm just fucking doing too much of it. I mean weird you have in total The whole week, probably like 30 beers. Oh my god, in two days, 15 beers. 15 each. 30 days. I could drink 15 beers. That's crazy. If I really want to. And then last, like. Light beers. I know. Actually, that's actually more because on fucking Monday I drank nine beers. So I drank three times this week.
00:32:11
Speaker
Oh my goodness. That's crazy. There's still people that aren't drinking Bud Light. Yeah, I have a little bit of an issue. Oh, because of like that whole like... There's still people that aren't drinking Bud Light. Advertisements. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, who cares? I'm not drinking that shit. They fucked up. Fucked up how? They fucked up because Jimmy from media ain't drinking it. That's why they fucked up.
00:32:29
Speaker
They just lost the customer. And Heiser Bush lost one customer from media. yeah day yeah They fucked up. Gigantic beer company yeah really fucked up. Yeah. Fucking Matt Dockery fucking drinking it. I ain't drinking it. And Bob ain't drinking it either. And they they fucked up. I'm going to let them know fucked up.
00:32:47
Speaker
And then people got to hit him where her yeah, I like to think we're like anhyzer bush having me and they're like, yeah, but Doc Bob and Bill and Danny i'm drinking it anymore. Look, look, I'm gonna sell two locations. Not the numbers are in. We lost the Docker D's. We lost the O'Malley's in the O'Donnell's, the O'Connell's. We lost all the O's. The O's in the mix. We all the O's in the mix. The O's in the M's.
00:33:11
Speaker
So fucking funny. Yeah, but they tried to I feel like they did have a meeting and they brought it back They brought in like Shane Gillis to like do that. He's like a spokesperson. They're like, come on, please. They're like not like like racist I know know who drink this too i know were still be racist as the dragons fine well i know we had a training running around drinking our beer. All right, we know yeah, listen, we were just we know you're mad Listen, we were just trying to get we're giving into some temptations. That's all Look, sometimes you you stray from the path that God laid out for you. Listen, i'm a guy got warning yeah we made our way back to the original path, alright? We got racist dudes back. We got racist fucking dudes. Come on, bro. That is so funny to be able to- I don't think Shane's a racist. No, he's not- I'm just kidding. he's He just hates gooks. Daddy Shane's not racist at all. Love you, Shane.
00:33:58
Speaker
I love you, Shane. I love you, Daddy Shane. I love you, Shane. I love you, Shane. I love you so much. I love you. I love you so much, Shane. I would never disrespect you, Shane. I'll never disrespect you. I'll never disrespect you. I'll never speak ill of you, my king, my lord, my god. No, I think you're really cool, actually. I'm so sorry. I think I love you. I know I said something about black people earlier, but when it comes to Shane, I'm not going to say anything mean. Yeah, forever and forever. Yeah, yeah.
00:34:23
Speaker
I believe through it. Oh, no, I really want to come back and apologize. No, no, my bad. All right. Oh, yeah. you're You're not really a beer guy. You'll just hold one. I will drink either 20 beers or one. That is true. It's like one or the other. You don't nurse a beer. You'll just fucking I will. If I'm in the mood to drink, I will drink. I don't like IPAs. i'm okay i will I never understood. I never understood like the appeal of IPAs.
00:34:52
Speaker
It's a status symbol. It's a status symbol. as there A fucking finance guy at a fucking orchard. That's what it is. We should actually try this panko habanero beer. Fuck that.
00:35:07
Speaker
My grandpa would have shoved that up my dick. It's actually a persimmon. It's persimmon and cinnamon. It's literally sick. I mean, that beer matches their personality. isn the so It tastes like spit up, but it's good. That's why I love getting like a Coors Light somewhere. like like i've I've been to beer gardens where they only have a menu where it's like a number.
00:35:25
Speaker
Like this is like I'll have the nine. Yeah, this is altering goblin. Yeah, and it's like 12% fucking it's like drinking a fucking cocktail Yeah, they're like this is green power. I'm like I have like the I'm like, what's the most beer? I have like a yingling. Yeah, can I have like a? Yeah, do you have any um, you have any luck hairs?
00:35:52
Speaker
Yeah, but it's good, dude. You don't have any spit all over you. Who went to that place? Remember that fucking bullshit. What, you think I got AIDS, T.J.? What, you scared of AIDS? Yeah, pretty much, dude. What, you don't want your spit on me? What, you think I have AIDS, T.J.? Turned into a big fucking deal. I didn't smoke with you all the time. I know, now you're getting weird. you you Now that we're on camera, you're gonna get AIDS from spit. Oh yeah, big time. Really? It's like the number one reason I'm giving it to my friends. Oh. Can you get it from spit? Oh my god, yeah. I think it's the spit.
00:36:18
Speaker
yeah
00:36:21
Speaker
Buddy's for life. Yeah, buddy's for life. Good luck getting rid of me. Yeah, we're all gonna die like easy I've been to a like remember that plate was a phantom power Yeah, that piece of shit fucking farmhouse nowhere yeah farmhouse in the middle of fucking nowhere Yeah, they tried to they tried like micro bruise there and they were like just like hoity-toity and I was like there's literally chickens out It's supposed like chicken shit outside. Yeah, so I'm trying to give me this like fucking lavender They were like, I was like, do you guys have any like regular like beer like lager or whatever like light? The guy was like, no. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, farm punk fucking bitch. I was getting so bad at
Pretentiousness and Annoyance
00:37:01
Speaker
that. fall I hated that place. He like didn't like Jim and Jim was going on stage. He was like purposely like smashing bottles into the trash can. Yeah. Oh, making fuck okay i know I know. I should have put his head under one. No, no, not who you're thinking. and not how I'm thinking about some other place as smashing bottles. An hour and a half.
00:37:16
Speaker
out That way Jesus no yeah, I've had one other person not like me. I wanted to grab that guy I want to go over the bar and put that guy's mouth under one of those IPA fucking taps and just just gaging her death on that can you sell him up with that hot pis you like that You like that cold peach beer you fucking bitch, he probably needs to be throttled that fucking Yeah, I was just he'd probably come from that I'd probably make him come his ass out ah God man everyone's so fucking annoying man. Everyone's annoying. I'm so annoyed by everybody. I can't go outside I can't go outside. Nobody's as perfect as me, and I know I know now I'm so I'm impressed. I'm so chronically unimpressed by every single thing I see fucking I just really can't stand it. Like girls right now, every girl outside is literally dressed like Frank Gallagher. And it got cold one night. It got cold one night and all of a sudden they have their like they have their like big flaper and five panel along with like a big like cozy like... Not even. It's like a big k like um like like high-vis construction hat. I know. They're like, in my, like, in my literal hourly wage era. Like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm in my literal packing a lunch to my girder, yeah like, era. Yeah, it's with, like, manioc and, like, fish now. It's just full bunch of lumberjacklins. Lumberjacklins? They're all lumberjacklins? Yeah, a bunch of themocrats. Lumberjacklins.
00:38:41
Speaker
Fucking insane pieces of shit like the kind of people to put overalls on to like trim a bush Yeah, and they'll be like work like work workflow work literally working workflow, and it's like fucking God. I can't stand people Yeah, it's like a fucking it's like a fat girl Who's like literally like walking down the street with like a fucking two by four on her shoulder drinking peanuts and coke with the fuck is go and on yeah There's like fat chicks and fish down that are on like umpire diets so my are umpire you're building old umpi
00:39:16
Speaker
They demand the world They literally walk around there but they're chewing on a cheap stogie I'm like, how would you go? How many what if you got punched in the fucking face? What would you think that they wouldn't think anything? I said there and I go. Why am I thinking that I really need to just take a deep breath and walk? I know somewhere. I know I know I'll hear somebody say something. They'll be like when you're like and I'm like when you're literally I also goes through my head know my new thing that I can't stand is, hopeful please sound oh like finance people. i'll browse I didn't really know them. I didn't wasn't around them. And now that I'm around some of them, sometimes I can't fucking stand it.
00:39:53
Speaker
yeah I'm like, what are you doing? I'm a consultant. What does that mean? Fucking suck my comm. You retard. I hate you. You're the real retard, the warehouse guy. I'm like, I'm like, you're dumb. That guy's dumb. I mean, while I like go into work, I'm like getting yelled at all day wearing boots. Yeah. I'm like, I'm the retard. Wait, fuck. I turned out to be the retard. Hold on a second. I like every day, like twice a day, I check my neck for bolts.
00:40:20
Speaker
I'm like, I really feel like a big dumbass. I know I was supposed to do that. you cut Catch yourself chewing on your tongue. I don't know what can like consult, like find it like finance people. I was just imagining they get... They don't do anything. And all they do is joke about how they literally don't do anything. They they literally like slick their hair back and make a bunch of money. That's all I know that they do. They got their degree because they're horny, honestly. They're the whole the horni money horny for money they are the horniest on the planet. like i remember when i was I don't think so. I think i think the horniest people on the planet are broke homies. Broke homies? Broke boys. no i just think Because they have no there is nothing else that they so literally could do with someone other than fuck them. and give it So that's why they're so brutally horny. Yeah, but they fuck lazy. I checked the tight tank tops.
00:41:01
Speaker
I'm talking finance bros. Finance bros fuck each other instead of playing golf. I don't think they golf. They fuck each other. Yeah, they go play. You ask them if they're going to the work, they're like, no, I got golf tomorrow. I know. It's like, where do you like, I can't golf. I don't have any time to golf. I've never thought about golfing. Golf's an all day sport too. That's an entire day. You drink beer all day. Like it's T times 9.15. Like it's Tuesday. What do you, like, how did you get off? They get like six months vacation. They don't, they don't work. What even is that job? They don't do anything. My father's the fuck at it. I'm just jealous at all. That's all it is. I'm rotten jealous. Well, because we didn't have- I'm like, I want to be in shape and make good money. I'm not in shape and I don't make any money. That's why I mean to everybody. Yeah. That's why I hate everybody. And everything, everything that ever exists. My fucking back hurts and I'm back.
00:41:47
Speaker
Every day. Every day. That's the real root of everything. It really is. If I was just in shape and had a little more money, I don't care. I don't care about all the umpire. I wouldn't be able to handle that amount of freedom. I know. If I was in shape with money, I'd be dead because I'd do blow hookers until I die. If I was in shape money, finance like that, I literally would need to be miserable. I would literally call as a sex scandal.
00:42:11
Speaker
To be bored. That's what they do for fun. They do, they literally cheat for fun. They have affairs and they blow up their family publicly. No, poor guys having an affair. They're cheating. He's fucking cheating. Fucking cheating on me. He's fucking around. I find this guy has an affair. It's a scandal. It's a scandal. For some reason, I always think there's like a Xerox. Yeah, there's a fax that gives you a fail. Yeah, somebody Xeroxed a fucking... Do you even know what the Xerox? I don't even know what it does. I don't even know what it does. I don't even know what's happening. I think it means you go like this. I literally, my first day at work, I had a Xerox machine next to my computer. I was like, who's fucking R2D2? They're like, they're like, that's a fucking Xerox machine. I wish I let you walk around before signing the offer letter.
00:42:54
Speaker
Also getting an offer letter for nobody is also the funniest I got your offer. It's literally our offer literally they might as well staple a cat turd Here's our offer. for It's a snap effect
00:43:08
Speaker
The offer is you do whatever, and we yell at you. Those guys get rewarded with tickets to Sixers games. They get rewarded with snowboarding trips. My line of work, we get rewarded with fucking hard pretzels. Soft pretzels that by the time we got... Like someone else's soft pretzels. Literally someone else's. They got bored of them. They got bored of them, and then they brought them out to us. Yeah, there's a bunch of fucking honey bees, suck the salt off, and now we're getting them. They're saltless.
00:43:36
Speaker
The salt has melted and now it's just like a wrinkly pretzel. They were ah everybody in my job. You have to be 21 to work there. So you're the least 21 years old, 21 to 65 in the warehouse. And they literally every week. Well, thank God 65. Christ, I was 65. Yeah five They're like I one more year. I'm like you're gonna die tomorrow pal. My dad's gonna die today. That's 59. I'm like, there's no way there's no way like won I'm like, you're not a Rockefeller. There's not like that that next year is not gonna be like Double pool. It's like you'll have a pool now at 65. You're done dude. You're fucking kill yourself The fact that I don't have a pool at 26 is really killing me. It bothers me so much. It's just I'm jealous There's finance guys. have I want a hot tub in a pool
00:44:21
Speaker
I wanna hide that in a wool. so that's and i and i want to have And I don't wanna work for it. I want i don't wanna, no, i I wanted someone to have it and give it to me. So annoying. I don't wanna work for it. So annoying. The fact that I don't get everything I want because I'm a drug cartels child is annoying. I'm not El Chapo's daughter so I don't get to have a baby tiger. It's really gay. It really bothers me to no end.
Social Interactions and Friendships
00:44:42
Speaker
But I see something, I see something and like like I'm working on getting like on fucking Unmiserable when it comes to people like talking and like doing sharing it's impossible, but then there's always gonna be this like cog in my brain That's like it's gonna take 20 years Shit shut the fuck up. I don't care. like I don't care about anything care I don't care about anything anyone's meanwhile like I'm talking about wrestling like 90% of my day I'm like don't wonder no one likes me how about that no one likes me
00:45:14
Speaker
Yep, I have like I got like people that like people my job. There's like three rich guys, and then there's like 13 poor guys and The rich guys they go out to dinner they they go out to lunch like every day, and it's it's not like McDonald's. It's like Like steak dinners and stuff. Yeah, Ruth Chris. Oh, we're getting steaks. We'll be back. Ruth's Chris. Ruth's, whatever, dude. im I'll never be there. Ruth's Chris. Sorry. Sorry. Did you ever hear the story behind it? No. Sorry. Scandal, isn't it? Yeah, so. Scandal isn't a fair. It's not a fair. It's an affair. this This person had a ah steakhouse called Chris, and then there was another place called that, and then they fucking closed, and then they reopened as Ruth's Chris.
00:45:58
Speaker
Fancy so now they now that you What a useless piece of information that I just gave you yeah, I'm glad I had to share it Yeah, I'm glad cuz now three people have to know I'm sound asleep right now Yeah, no it is funny like I'm in that point now. We're like now. I'm now meeting like my fiance's girlfriends boyfriends and Like you know they're all nice people, but it's just like I said. I'm so over. I'm so over anybody but myself. yeah Like, I'm so in my head all the time that, like, when I meet somebody, I'm like, I don't have enough room to be like, yeah. You know what I mean? I don't care about them. Yeah, but it's like, it's not it's not even their fault. No, it's got nothing to do with them it them. They're people. They're just people. It's like, I'm just so fucking miserable that I'm like, I'm working. I'm trying not to be as miserable. I decided on my friends a long time ago. Yeah, I got room for makes a couple more friends here and there. But it's like it's but at the same time, though, it it's funny you like when it sometimes it feels like,
00:46:55
Speaker
the girls get along and it's like they're our moms and they're like forcing us to be like play squishy lemon on the slide. oh yeah yeah That's kind of cool right? like like i it's like way for bond The only thing we're bonding on is that we're like we both like to fuck that person. We both love that person. so it's you guys i mean This is cool. I will say, I've met some fucking cool people I work with and stuff like that, but I would never hang out. Yeah, they're work friends. You know what I mean? Like, finance bros, they make lifelong friendships because they cough every day. Well, I think it's because I don't know if it's actually friendships, because I feel like how I see it, it's them more networking.
00:47:32
Speaker
It's like, how can I work? I want to golf. Well, then just be friendly or fake friendlier to people. I'm going to start networking with other warehouse employees and be like, is there some honey buns? You guys let you guys wear that? Yeah, that's really shiny. We will have to wear navy blue. We're going to get written up. Wow. They expanded yours to regular blue. Yeah.
00:47:52
Speaker
What the heck they must really like you they got mad because they forget so every time like like someone comes into the job to like take a tour of the place they it's like it's like it's like North Korea it's they show them and they show them Pyongyang they show them the ice rink they show them the library where no one knows how to use the computer everyone's like watching everyone's watching his screensaver go around And they're like, hey guys, we're getting Mission Barbecue today. And everyone's like, yeah, meat, meat. And everyone's like, meat, meat, meat. And then the next day, they're like, fuck back to your station right now. You're like, OK. Oh, I thought it was meat. I'm sorry. I thought we were like meat friends. I have like Stockholm. Can I get a Chuckle Figure Balls?
00:48:36
Speaker
Hey boss, how about this, next time when you get to soft pretzels, maybe we can go first. We can go first before you guys take all the gold mines. They gave us some, I should have taken the picture and said it was a rack of pretzels, just the middle's ripped out. They left us they left us at the elbows. so It was like eating an elbow. It was like eating a femur. They ate the middles? Yeah, they pulled the middles out. How the fuck did they even manage that? They were like... They literally went through every middle of the mouth, so it was just a bunch of half rings. What'd they do with the middles? I was like, what werewolf came into the fucking... What specific werewolf? What, like, blade coming here? What autistic werewolf came in here? You got pretzoes.
00:49:20
Speaker
Damn, no middle. That's the best part. Yeah, it's we couldn't even have the middles. Damn. Oh my, you didn't earn middle. Even if I ever got a job. Do you guys think you earned middles this month? Well, so here's the thing. So we made 1.2 this month. 1.3 gets you medals.
00:49:35
Speaker
0.3, a little extra effort. You know what 1.4 gets you? Cheese. That's the other thing too. They gave us a cheese cup that already had been fucked, swiped. You can't swipe that. You're not swiping, because they're this thick. Dude, they're shallow. Yeah, it's like one and done. It's pretty much like one and done. Everybody knows that. You saved your best piece. Or the fucking dip. And then the rest is just cosmetic. It's like, I'm going to fucking play around with it. I'm going to like eat what I can off of it. They left us to eat what you can.
00:50:03
Speaker
my fucking my aunt Jenny uh she wanted to she like so we were trying to have a really nice birthday party for my uh for my mom for her 50th so my aunt Jenny like was like I'm gonna be at the helm I'm gonna be in charge I'm gonna plan everything so a week before the party She goes, hey, so like when we're setting up your house to have the ah party, I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean saying at my house? I was like, she doesn't want to have her 50th birthday party at her own house that she will have to clean. That's the worst thing. It's an anti gift. It's an anti-gift and so she comes over and she's bringing over like stuff for the party. She had like literally, this is the funniest thing ever. She sells sex toys and she had like a sex toy party where like a bunch of people were there to like buy them. Like an Avon lady thing like where they have a bunch of people like
00:50:58
Speaker
and she had like a bunch of shit for that and decided to wrap it up bring it here and be like alright so this is gonna be like the dips and stuff for like the party I was like oh all of that has been open but she's like by sex like that's what I'm saying my god so not only was it all shit that had been eaten out of before she's trying to put it in the fridge for a week oh yeah I'm like it doesn't age good like that I'm like trying to explain to her I was like you're mentally retarded
00:51:33
Speaker
Like shit like that doesn't keep for a week after it's been opened and sat out all day. And it's also from people who fuck all the time. and number two yet Number two, why the fuck would anyone want to eat that? no Where is your mind? who What has happened to your brain? Dirty. She's dirty. She's got a dirty head. What is that? She has a dirty head. Why does that happen?
00:51:55
Speaker
So I just and then we ended up not having a birthday party for my mom because and that's what happens We mercy killed her birthday party. Yeah, basically like look we have to put this down because the arthritis is killing the birthday the person the lady can't even stand up So basically but this thing the last person that should have planned the party like jumped out and was like I'm this is my sister. I'm doing it and Every decision ever I was like, so a bipolar schizophrenic lunatic is gonna plan a 50th birthday party for someone that she doesn't know anything about. Like, yes, they were sisters, but my Aunt Jay doesn't know anything about my mom. She doesn't know anything that she likes in her life. She never spoken about it. She never asked my aunt anything about it. She's not ever used sex party dips.
00:52:37
Speaker
That's what I'm saying. Fucking insane. I can't, I can't deal with things like that. I'm tired of being related to people that would do things like that. It's so funny that you're like, can we please just have one normal fucking gathering? Can I just, can I, can I just, I was like, we're gonna just have a nice dinner.
Celebrations and Comfort
00:52:51
Speaker
Like just us. Just gonna cook dinner and hang out and watch something. Literally like, oh my god. Which is funny because that, that is way better than someone even going hard to make it the best night ever. Would be like, the safe bet is like, we'll just all hang out and enjoy each other's company.
00:53:04
Speaker
Because she's a homebody anyway, so it was really easy to... She wants to hang out and have some cook for her. She wants to fucking take the night off. We wanted to do a thing where, like, we made a big fuss, right? And so, and then it just, I just, man, went to shit so hard and the sex party dips were just the tip. Were you thinking in your head? That was a good pun. Like, were you ever thinking in your head, like, with sex party dip? Like, I would always think some guy ran his fat cough through the hummus.
00:53:28
Speaker
No, I just think it's a bunch of people scratching their pussy and then being like, oh oh wow, pub cheese. And also top it's just it's other people that you don't know. Port wine cheese, wow. it I love port wine. Stranger cheese? Yeah, stranger cheese. I don't want stranger cheese. My mom doesn't want stranger dip. Athena had a, she had a like a girl's life. Get these stranger things out of my house. Get these demogorgons out. Athena had like a girl's night last night and she made a charcuterie board.
00:53:55
Speaker
and Honey buns on it honey buns on the side was the funniest listen the act the accent looks more like a Madden party yeah this is more like a mega mad and like your friends don't eat sharkco i like look I didn't know your girls are playing fantasy football tonight yeah because this is all dude foods Yeah, she literally like I was like I literally was like it was like if like ran down the store and just grabbed the case alive wire Just to fucking like kind of just read it all yeah But then there was like some funny shit I was giving her shit about like like she had like cherry tomatoes I'm like you've never eaten those in your life I was like so you guys gonna be sitting your pop and cherry tomatoes to right like oh And then they just started talking about the grosser shit I left like what like waving their ass and like you know I know they are that shit too, and it's like I understand that like I understand like whatever sucks I'm encroaching in the house that I live yeah, so I i better get out of here kind of thing, but like I
00:54:50
Speaker
like The charcuterie was so funny. because She he got everything bagel hummus, which was it was delicious. it did look like it It looked like my asshole. It was like literally like it was like poppy seeds. Speckled hummus. And I was like, well, I'm going to try some. And she's like getting ready to take a picture of everything. She's like, I'm going to try some. And she's like, hey, a little bit.
00:55:10
Speaker
I took a Ritz cracker and went across the top. I got all the poppy seeds on the one, and she flipped out. She like lost her mind to me. She's like, what's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? And I was like what like, what the fuck? I was thinking, I'm like, so you think they're going to show up and be like, whoa, somebody already swiped that hummus. Like, what is that? What's happening here? I'm like, you guys are going to, I came home and literally it was like, like just the lid was left.
00:55:35
Speaker
I'm like, where's the bowl? There's a bite out of the lid. Yeah, there's the bowl was gone. Just a little plastic lid. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, charcuterie board with honey buns now. Charcuterie board, honey buns, like, literally honey buns, literally like a McDouble. It was cornered. It's a quarter to McDouble and like stacked it up. The fucking toothpick. Drizzled, like a ketchup over it. Sandwich toothpicks.
Men's Nights Out vs. Women's Nights
00:56:03
Speaker
Gummy bear garnishing a fucking... I was about to say gummy bear on the toothpick. Like an olive. I was like, what are you having? What are you having? Fucking halo night? Like what's going on? What screen? She put like the McNuggets like up against each other for photos. Yeah, she made a gun out of pepperoni.
00:56:27
Speaker
it is funny how out of but It's crazy how women get obsessed with just the plank of wood. you get the playing they're like
00:56:36
Speaker
It's so funny, I think guys do it like cutting boards and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, although like though Yeah, there's guys a guy to chop some ups gonna be up get du bob but people are so dumb We're all dumb. and also I also say it is the funniest thing. buts I pretend to be hard nine dollar like plank of wood I pretend to be impressed. BC fucking salami and cheese all over. Yes, they're like charcuterie board. so i mean here's what I also I love a charcuterie board. Everyone loves food. It's adult lunchables. But it's just funny how how obsessed people get about that plank of wood. They're like holy fuck like she got one last year and had a bow on it. She was like
00:57:10
Speaker
fuck I was like holy fuck, like that's not even like- That's a trick? That's a dozen for you? I'll bring him a piece of wood every night. Just come in with a new stick every night. I'm gonna start coming to the apartment with a brand new stick every night. That's gonna like just knock shit over. Fucking big stick. She's trying to walk through the doorway and get caught. She's gonna go sideways. I'm gonna hold on and I'm gonna run into the doorway and catch myself. You gotta back up. You gotta back up. You gotta back up. You gotta back up. It is so fucking funny though.
00:57:40
Speaker
like Like and also a girls night is completely different than a guys night. and No, it's not not ours. we have no We have girls nights. We have like they have girl we have girls because we try to get our friends to go out and they go, actually, I kind of want to whittle whittle we way down. And then we go to there. in a way back We always cave and end up going to someone's house. And then it's just like we have girls night. Yeah.
00:58:04
Speaker
Because we are wearing sweatpants. One of us is a little inebriated. One of us feels like crying. one of us got Yeah, one of us got calmed in and fucking didn't get called back. It's always the same. It's me every time. but like they like we have It's funny how much stuff that like for a guys night does make a guys night. like we i Even if we didn't do a charcuterie board our night would be way more fun. Guys night? Even calling it guys night makes feels like girls night. Yeah, it's like I'm just hanging out. I don't have my fucking chilling. You guys having guys night? it like how a girls on girls It's a night. Get out. It's girls night. Get out. I'm like, why don't you like won't you get out? How about that? I'm going to take a big shit and smear on the fucking charcoogee board. I'll ruin the whole night. i' I'm one push away into my hand from ruining this entire night.
00:58:49
Speaker
I can make it so weird in here in one push, one thrust. Like like they have a charcuterie board. Meanwhile, like if we have like a, like a, like, you know, when the fellows get together, it's just the wah wah bags. Everyone's like getting out of the wah wah bag. Well, you got my half gallon or like everyone's- Half gallon. Half gallon. Everyone's like half gallon. Remember that time you crushed up and drank a fucking bag of salt and vinegar chips when you were blacked out? So good. So bad. So good. Banging. So good. i Last night I had Royal Farms. I missed that. I missed that type of shit. I had Royal Farms last night.
00:59:22
Speaker
Last time we had Rofo, I had diarrhea for a year. Jesus. He just recovered? I literally just recovered. We had it the one time. He didn't even finish this. He gave it to me. I was ripping through him. Oh, the fucking chicken fingers? Yeah, he didn't even finish them. You know what I'm not a fan of? The potato wedges. I love those. I actually like them. Eat them. I love them. I think they're greasy as fuck. Yes. They're deep fried. I had Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch today. I've never been there.
00:59:46
Speaker
um Not that good. Yeah, expensive I like regular wings well they have like shop hot wings. Yeah, they have like the all-you-can-eat wings though Tuesdays and Wednesdays they have like buy one get one free wings, but not only can ten you get like 20 wings for the price of 10 I remember seeing like a video on YouTube with like Red Lobster is doing like all you can eat shrimp. The dude ate like 160 shrimp. He died. He died that night. know they there Red Lobster and Olive Garden, they they're bankrupt they're going bankrupt because they're selling all their shit. That's a blockbuster and Blockbuster was going against Netflix.
Blockbuster vs. Netflix
01:00:21
Speaker
yeah like There was a point where like Blockbuster was going to be Netflix.
01:00:24
Speaker
but they're no we don't want And then they were like, no, we don't we don't trust the wave. like we're not Why would somebody want to mail shit? like You can just come to the store and get it. So in 2009, to try to protect their business, they ended late fees. They're like, no late fees at all. And and that's their money maker? So that's when my mom was like, go get Tony Hawk, of like fucking Underground. Go get this. like I went and got like five or six movies, and then they went out of business a year later. You guys catch the movies? Yeah, of course we do. Hell yeah. They had a free movie. I had so many fucking blockbuster like fucking cases.
01:00:54
Speaker
thats awesome blog boster dam block postster for sick i've been on like I've been missing video stores recently. I watched that documentary about blockbuster and I was kind of cool. I don't miss how it wasn't convenient at all. I remember when they were fucking mailing DVDs to your house, Netflix, dude. yeah I just like the seeing all the modern movies they have now. Yeah, because you're gay. You like stuff like that. You're like, I like seeing the DVDs lined up. My TV is only so big. You know what I mean? We used to have a Remember Hollywood video? Yeah. My mom burned the fuck out of that bridge. I never went there either. My mom was a huge hit in that place. My mom terrorized that place. My mom tried to rant milk duds and they were like, what are you doing? What are you doing right now? I'm doing that. My mom was real big on trying to open tabs, like corporations. They're like, just corporations. Open tabs everywhere. We got like a tab. They're like, no, you don't. What are you talking about? What are you saying? She's like, I got a tab with the fucking... I already ate half the raisinets walking around the store. What do you want me to do? I have no money.
01:01:58
Speaker
Let me spit him back up. Like that kind of shit. My mom would be like, ugh, I just, I don't have it. And they're like, well, you just ate it. So I mean, like, I leave now, I guess. Like, I don't know. All right. Well, I'll take him with me then. Like Hollywood video, I remember being in there and like knowing it was going to be a one night stand. Yeah. Yeah, you know you're never gonna get way too many movies in here like I'm not we're not paying for this and Then when red box came out my mom like my mom and dad had like a like a Scorsese montage They were like narrating as they're making the moves are like pretty much you go in you get you get good fellas Then you take a CD-rom you put it back in the machine And then you just keep getting movies and then eventually they got called from like collections
01:02:41
Speaker
yeah rather they're Like this is Toby from red box like We need you to bring back one flew over the cuckoo's nest tonight. It was rented in front of Eckerd in Drexel. Oh, they're like bob ah Red box is pretty funny though Yeah, they're also going out of business. Oh, they're done. Yeah, they're done. They were decapitated like four years ago. Dude, red box is nuts. It was pretty good. It was the trust system. It was very trust. I think it was weighted. That was the whole thing, is the machine was weighted. Really? Like putting a coin in a machine. Like if you had a coin that was weighted, they can't they can't read what material a coin is. I think it's literally like it lands in that pot.
01:03:18
Speaker
I'm wondering, like, how did they know where your parents lived? I don't know. My parents were also, like, strung out on drugs. I'm pretty sure they were probably like, it's right in the hospital. And I'm like, I don't know! I don't know! I don't know who it is! Do you just believe it? Dude, when your parents are strung out coming up with schemes, that is these. We both had that. We both had that, which is crazy.
01:03:37
Speaker
ah my My parents, like, I remember my dad reading the newspaper, like, looking at, like, Blockbuster, and, like, he's like, they're they're going out. Like, we need to go in and get Tony Hawks on the ground, too. waiting for the kids And then, you know, we had everything from Blockbuster. But then we had Hollywood Video. I remember there was West Coast Video, Manoa Shopping Center, where the urgent care was. Yes. I remember going in there. We went to Video Update when I was a kid. Oh, where's that? That was where the Starbucks in Bond Shopping Center is.
01:04:04
Speaker
That whole little tiny strip used to be a big building that was like a like a video update. Do they have an EB games there too? ah No, that's Barkley Square. Barkley Square had that. I'm about to pull up fucking, what's it called for you? But i in that documentary about the last one, there's one blockbuster left. Yeah, somewhere in like Washington. Band Organ. and And people all say the same thing, it's like the smell of a video store. Popcorn, like carpet, kind of smell. Whoa. That looks like Be Kind Rewind. Whoa. No, it's gone. The whole building is gone. okay I was about to say, like, that's crazy. that's It's such a fucking obsolete.
01:04:42
Speaker
That's what it looked like. Form of Moot. That is pretty sick. I'd go there. yeah Would you go to a video store? They were burning that place, dude. They were burning that place for, like, the ring. We had the ring. yeah We had fucking, like, all types of shit. That's a big catch. The ring, yeah. had That on VHS? You'd be like, oh, my God. The ring.
01:04:58
Speaker
And Land Before Time. I remember Land Before Time is what we were snagging up there. We had Psycho. My dad's like, I'm getting psycho. Are we just fucking competing now? No, actually we had fucking psycho telling us. My parents would just never give anything back. Oh, never. But then somehow would go in and somehow like they'd be like, they'd put like my aunt's like phone number in. No, no, no. Try this number. Try this made up number. You owe this to us. like It's you. No, no, no. It's your name, not Pat. She's like, not anymore.
01:05:28
Speaker
It's a long story. eating no does you know that still eat the no does raise that raise that again put them down shut what all The box was empty when I picked it up. and Yeah, I would go in and like I always went into a store and was just like, yeah. I don't know if I'm going to hang on to it though. I would I would walk up with something in my hand. They'd be like every time.
01:05:51
Speaker
every time. I would put stuff in there and then they'd be like, I'm not taking nowhere anymore. You just put stuff in the car. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm a kid. I used to be, I'm a kid. I do kid stuff. Like I put stuff in the car and you buy it sometimes. I'm not having any idea. I used to think like, like when my parents report that they just hated me, that's why I couldn't guess things. Yes. Oh my God. Yes. Well, cause my brother had everything. So it made no sense. My brother played the game.
01:06:15
Speaker
But what is the game? The game was, the game was, I'm gonna be. The game was scream. I'm gonna feed him to the scream. To the point where they're like, okay well we can get to that. Fuck, we can't do it, we can't get, like oh my god, yeah. I remember one time I was in like second grade and I was freaking out, we were at EB Games and I was like, Jesus. I want Hitman. My brother had Hitman, I was like, I want Hitman. We had to have two copies. We had two copies. Everything was two copies and then the thing was. No fucking way, you guys had to have two copies. Of everything.
01:06:43
Speaker
oh My god cuz he was such a fucking like so ho he went chair he had the he had a PlayStation 2 and then I got a gamecube so I had I had the <unk> was Fun because it was more than more my speed you would play like Hitman and fucking Madden and shit and I would play like I played Mario Kart and whatever and I got the original Xbox and He was jelly.
Sibling Rivalries and Running Away
01:07:03
Speaker
Oh the original Xbox had shit on it. That was like exclusive yeah like hey halo and shit like that exclusive like oh kind yeah hey i we keep doingmo like anything you really want to j re neckbox The acc exclusive of your way i miss with news i miss when dudes a game stop spoke that had that accident yeah, yeah, they got rid of the gamer accent Accent back when people used to know stuff yeah now you go there. It's like I don't know it's like fucking we always had two copies
01:07:30
Speaker
like I remember the day ah Tony Hawk's American Wasteland came out, my mom went to ah Blockbuster. One for Xbox, or one for PlayStation. One for GameCube, one for John, one for Steve. yeah for the system Dude, there would be like my brother would have like every wrestling game, and then I went to kindergarten, so I'd come home halfway through the day, and I would turn the PS2 on.
01:07:49
Speaker
and joe override override oh man the worst part was I'd be like I didn't know how to pronounce the word create I didn't know that what it was saying I thought it was like create a character I was gonna create a character like my mom's like let me see it And then she just like, I don't even know what she did. Fucking Xbox, stop working. My mom poured water on the PS2. Well, it's it's hot. I think it's just too hot or something. Maybe, I don't know. And then like my brother would come home. What happened to my ballgame guy? Like that type of shit. Yeah. Or like my brother like didn't understand cheat codes in San Andreas. So I went and spent all of his money. Shot all his guns and stuff. and he
01:08:30
Speaker
What the fuck? It was always that. So then I got a GameCube. But the scandal, I think I've said it on the podcast before, but the scandal to get me the GameCube was, I wanted to cow this mini Kawasaki ninja like from Toys R Us. And my mom, like my I was begging for it. My mom was like, all right, we we'll go to we'll go to Toys R Us. If they don't have it, you get a GameCube. Oh shit, that's a great deal. In hindsight, it totally was. But as a kid, I'm like, you just hate me. You just hate my guts.
01:08:58
Speaker
You hate me. So she goes to Toys R Us, she calls ahead, and she gets some like dumb fucking like retarded like teenager to be like, hey, tell me you don't have it. So we go there, and he's like she's like, hey, you're the guy I talked to about the motorcycle, right? And the guy was like, oh, yeah, we don't have it or whatever. And I was like, but I see it right there.
01:09:16
Speaker
kids right there's a kid keep buying it around I'm on one. I'm really on one. I'm like, what do you mean? Oh, okay But it's only for sure when I end up getting a fucking GameCube like a platinum GameCube. Oh, that's sick and it came with Metroid and ah Prime and stuff and I was like it actually ended up being like Because in my head I'm like, well um I need to start a like a biker gang before fifth grade because like I'm getting old. I'm only getting older Right, right. I'm only getting older. I'm only getting older. I'm not gonna be able to have a fucking motorcycle gang. In your head, in your head! It's you on a literal coastal highway, on the fucking thing, on an electric motorcycle. To literally go and kiss our girlfriends. Duh. Like, I was literally like, no. And they're so horny. Like, I'm starting a motorcycle gang because I'm gonna beat the jocks up. Like, I'm gonna be the guy that beats the jocks up. And they shoot- They're gonna think I'm one of them. She's fucking with my dream. That's how I looked at it. But you hate me, you don't want me to live my dreams.
01:10:08
Speaker
Yeah. The worst part about it was Chris's morning. The whole thing that caused that whole thing was the Chris's morning, my brother who didn't want an electric scooter. They got him an electric like moped. Oh, I see his shit. I'm like, I actually wanted one. I think I'm actually getting one. They're like, no, like you're too little. And I was like.
01:10:26
Speaker
That's crazy. You're like, no, I literally like looked at both. I literally looked at both of them as if they like told me like, like, we kill yourself. I was like, I was like trying to open up gifts, but I was like, really trying not to cry. I was like, Jesus. I'm like, I'm like, uh, to John from Santa. Like, thanks Santa. And then eventually I broke down crying. And then the next day they're like, go towards a rose.
01:10:54
Speaker
Asking if they have it. I figured out in an early age if I instead of 35 Like 50 bucks by 50 bucks. Yeah, just do it. Just fucking figure out how to do it a whole thing They did in our neighborhood. They didn't want somebody to take it from me, but you were like in kindergarten. You just can't have you you said you're in kindergarten I was in like kindergarten first grade I was like way too young for a bike like that though. It was for like three to fucking... It was for credit. it was for like He was clout chasing. It was the equivalent of getting a Bugatti, honestly. understand I was trying to be, yeah, like I said, I was trying to look... I used to watch this movie called Biker Boys. It's a black film about fucking this. Remember Biker Boys? Yes. I was like, I'm Lawrence Fishborn. That's my problem. That's why I cry every day. It's because I didn't realize I'm Lawrence fucking Fishborn. That's how it was supposed to be. I want to be Lawrence.
01:11:40
Speaker
but Yeah, the game every my whole life. laura I don't say like my my whole life double copies everything You're not playing the same game. No, if we play the same game He's gonna unplug my fucking controller or punch me right in the face. You guys ever did like two players for any games before Actually, my brother would never do that with me and it made me so upset. He never wanted to like do co-op anything I know I just he never I just want to take over the world with my brother. I really just wanted to dominate a game with my best friend I was like I want to be like I literally wanted him to like play like tag team like be my tag team partner. no I peg wouldn't do it ever. i I still like to this day. I remember like one time being like.
01:12:20
Speaker
Like, one time my brother- It's fine, we're tagged. We're tagged. We literally are tagged. We're literally tagged, dude. We need to take over the fucking world. It's like, fine. Wait. We'll beat up Jeff Hardy for an hour just to, like, just to be a team. Me and you versus Tori Wilson, just to show, like, just to kind of get every move imaginable out. Yeah. But, like, I remember as a kid, my brother created this guy, and he was like, cool as shit, he had, like, a fucking baseball jersey.
01:12:41
Speaker
and Like he like a cool hat. He's like a white literally you it was like what he's like what my brother thought he looked like when he hung out with like a bunch of black guys Yeah, but he it was so cool And then he made me a character that looked like that but instead of like the red baseball jersey I had like a white one with like red stripes on it and I was like i'm like do and And then he was like get out and I was like alright dude like just sad that it just like i got one i so hard the fucking die I used to want to be around him so bad that I would just watch him play it. like That's all I would do. That's why I like like when art like when Jake plays video games. like I can watch Jake play something. If I'm interested in the game. That's such a little brother thing. It is though, but like I almost want to lay above Jake's head like like a housecat. Something about me wants to be annoying right now.
01:13:31
Speaker
I'm like, hey, do you have a girlfriend? I'm just like, hey, how's your girlfriend? yeah like That's why I wanted to do like let's plays and shit with the like this channel. yeah Eventually. what once You could do some stuff on Patreon. That little brother shit is like. Well, because i like when you're little, your brother's the coolest dude ever. Yeah, duh. He invented being a guy. everything Everything that we say and do is because at some point we thought our older brother was cool who said that. yeah I know. There is a point where you get older and you kind of start to sniff your brother's bullshit and you're like,
01:14:00
Speaker
second As for tar, i would like that's I would never do that. But like as a little kid, you're like you just want to play cover. My brother didn't become cringe to me until I was in high school. So like all through middle school, I was like, this guy is God. He's God. And then like and that when they when they deny you.
01:14:15
Speaker
Like a co-op game. Like I remember I got Halo. It was just, it was just nonstop betrayal. Older brothers, dude. It was- I literally just got to a point saying, how much more can I take? I know! I'm running away. I know. I know. I know. By the way, I've ran away four times as a kid. Same. Came back a half hour later. I'm like, forgot my jacket. I go upstairs. I thought I would go upstairs and be like, what the fuck can I go back down there? I'm just going to wait until they like forget I exist. Like I was like, I'm just not going to get downstairs for a week. Like,
01:14:43
Speaker
i good answers like five minutes like i also did a thing when i was like a really little kid like how long can i go without until someone like asks all that yeah Fucking sad when they literally don't ask ever it's so funny The other funny thing is like like
Childhood Sensitivities
01:14:59
Speaker
like have you ever packed all your shit like what mattered to you? It's the cutest shit ever yeah I packed just like that, and then I actually left forever yeah i packed my I packed Chris Jericho, and I left forever in real life I actually left forever
01:15:21
Speaker
were Watching like a movie and like they were packing like bread and like peanut butter. and I was like, that's all I need yeahll survive of the fucking eat yeah Get me out of this fucking prison yep That's why I love that guy on Instagram whatever his name is he doesn't ever hear he hears his parents talking about him He goes to his bedroom, and it's like it's like him like posing against the wolf or him like picking that It's that dude is so fucking funny so good cuz I've done that before where I literally like be on the steps And I'm like I'm leaving here my dad's like yeah you are I'm like I'm like five
01:15:52
Speaker
And I'm like, this is bullshit! And I'm like on the steps like, this is fucking bullshit! And they're like, okay, I'll just leave. And then when you get down the street, you're like, fuck. Where do I go? I forgot this. And then I walk up the steps and keep looking at them the whole time, and you're like, I'm leaving again. Now I'm out the door. For real. Actually, goodbye.
01:16:15
Speaker
back in an hour later. Think of reasons to come back. It is funny what you prioritize as a child, too, when like running away. yeah like I don't even think that's like just the trauma like thing that we have. like I think a lot of kids have done that. I think every kid does it. gym like The parent tells you you can't do something, and they're like, OK, well, you're clearly you clearly hate me and wish I was dead. yeah Yes. Things to a kid are so important that it's their entire world. So it is as important as an adult with an actual important like life or death thing. i mean like like a little kid like you could crush them with like like just a little you know just a flat-out get away from me I've done that to adults and it's fucked them up oh yeah yeah well because we have like I made a guy I i made a guy leave a bar cuz he was like like kind of like talking shit at me and I was like yo no one wants you here get the fuck oh I hit him right in the childhood
01:17:09
Speaker
it killed He literally, letting that I saw him the other day, he's literally fatter now, and I'm like, I hope that was me. I hope that was i fucking hope that was me. I hope you ate that night and in a fucking tortilla. Have you ever been, I remember when I was a little kid, there was this kid named Danny Mattagisitis. Swear to God, that's his name. He had 11 letters in his name. I counted every letter. You have a monocle? No, he actually, he it's funny, because he went down in history at my elementary school for taking Heelys away.
01:17:35
Speaker
ah Because they, we had two teachers, two third grade teachers out of all of them allowed the kids to wear Heelys. And it was my teacher and this other teacher was Oxen. And we did Strega Nona. Or no, it wasn't Strega Nona. We did the Thanksgiving play. It was beef stroganons. So it was half of it, basically. It was half Indians and then half Pilgrims, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we all had to switch places, because the whole thing is everyone's supposed to get next to each other, like a Pilgrim and Indian. We're supposed to put our hand or whatever. Well, the kids are all switching their spots in Heelys on the stage. And that kid just fucking slipped and literally cracked his head wide open in front of a live studio audience. Motherfucker. Live studio audience! They're like, cut. I'm not liking this or whatever. But he got rid of that. But when we were kids, me and him got into an argument about, I don't even know what it was. I think we were playing burnout. And he was being mean to me. And I said something back to him. And he started crying. His older brother laughed at him. So he was on the front porch. He was like, you're not my friend. Leave. No one wants you here. And I literally had the bottom lip. I was like, I couldn't believe somebody could be that mean.
01:18:41
Speaker
Damn. Right. I was like, like, yeah, like jimmy you're like to me, you know, like Jim Carrey, like the nerve. Like I literally felt was like the nerve on you. God, I would never be that mean. Like I was at my friend Brendan's house when I was a kid and ah in elementary school. and I remember I was we were shooting basketballs. I shot a basketball like I was like being goofy with it. I like I was like, I don't know what the fuck I did. But it hit him in his face like like didn't hit the net. It didn't. head It was went up and down onto his face. And he like turned. He was like, I hate you.
01:19:10
Speaker
And I was like And I literally never spoke to him again until I literally fist fault him like eight years later literally crazy like just Like a sick feeling like just being I remember just like getting on my bike and being like oh Because your life's over. i was like Your life's over and definitely as a kid your life's over. That's that's the feeling you're having. You'll never play basketball ever again. Crashing out. yeah ah You're literally like you're you're down so badly. You're never crashing out over your life. You'll never be in the NBA. One of the biggest meltdowns I've ever had in my entire life is my brother tried to tell, he would tease me and say that I watched Cat House at night.
01:19:51
Speaker
HBO after dark. That's literally what it was. He would say it's me all the time and he would do this thing. He would give me like eyes in the car. He's like, stop it. He's like, you watch. I saw you watching it. I did watch it like I saw one time. It was like.
01:20:08
Speaker
And I was like, i told I told my brother this like secret, right? Like I'm like, like i saw I'm like, try to be cool. Yeah. Oh, I keep fucking dude. he I straight up felt like I had a body under me. I felt like I I felt like I murdered somebody. I never had. I was like laying in bed like I'd wake up and be like, oh, like I thought I would have dreams everybody knew.
01:20:32
Speaker
And then the cop would come in, they're like, come here, I'm looking for John Prophet. I'm like, ugh, I would go over. We're at Thanksgiving, and all my cousins are like still kid age, so everyone's like playing in the living room. and yeah my ah Me and my brother are like messing around, and he's being so mean to me yeah in front of my other cousins. And I'm like, dude, you were the nicest guy like two hours ago. I'm like, you're literally a narcissistic piece of shit. I didn't know what that word meant, but I'm like, that's what I was probably feeling. And I'm like, you would never do this to me when we're it's just me and you.
01:21:00
Speaker
He was like being real mean and he was like, oh yeah, he's like, is that why you're watching Cat House the other night? And my cousins went. And my mind literally shat it went out back in and then him back double agained I was like, I never watch it. I went upstairs and no, like I remember my mom going like, what happened? And my brother's like, nothing. He was like hitting me. And then he I told him to stop. oh Like it was like completely. And I was like laying there like, you're lying to her about him too. your mom I went upstairs and dry snitched my, my mom came upstairs. I dry snitched on myself.
01:21:34
Speaker
and I was like he said I watch cowdows and it's only because I saw it one time and she was like Okay. All right. Like ah you're right. Stop the fuck up and I was like then at that point I did that whole thing where like when you're so you cry her eyes out that you have to go back and get acclimated with your cousins again. Yeah, she's like what you like Beetlejuice walking in the house there and you're like Straight across like I was like I walk past everybody just like looking like straight ahead. I'm like but' know me like i't know folks And then I'm like you guys they were just like sit back down there like like no one cares
01:22:07
Speaker
like
01:22:13
Speaker
And no one's asking if you're okay But i I would cry really hard when I was a kid i would good like and So I was like coming down the stairs like completely beat red like my mom would take like a washcloth and like was like They stop being a fucking bitch. Oh You ever have cousins that you would be shy around for the first half hour.
01:22:36
Speaker
No. Like when they'd come over for a holiday party? i would like I'd be so shy. I did always wait for them to approach me. i Yes. But I'm like that in my adult life. Yeah. Is that like it just a characteristic that you're like, it's... You fucking come sniff around me and I'll fucking, you know... I'm not going to hunt you down. Never. not And man in relationships, in friendships, in in just anything. You fucking just come to me. Like... I feel so weird being like, a initiating anything.
01:23:05
Speaker
It's horrible. tell me It's horrible kill me. It's horrible. I've been doing the fucked-up handshake thing recently fucked up and jake Because like at work I work with a lot of black dudes they all dap each other up They all it's all a slap half hug something like that. Yeah, so like I've been trained So then when I like meet a different person I don't like I've like accidentally leaned in and they're like like it's this you know that weird like middle Mm-hmm where it's like I don't Yeah, where you like you like do like you're about to do the half-hug, but then you end up doing like a pat. The black dudes I work with is a slap-hug. It's like a slap and then two-arm-hug. But then when I meet somebody, like I've gone in for somebody I know is not going to like half-hug me, but I go halfway and they're like, oh, OK. I'm like, yeah, you know i go go give me the real thing.
01:23:49
Speaker
I hope some girl like two weeks ago like I was like drunk and like doing like I was just saying bye to my friends and then like some one of their girlfriends is with them and I fucking like did the same thing oh we're doing that I was like I was like well I'm not like a rapist but like you It'd be funny, it's like I'm not tonguing you down. like I mean, I will. But do
Farewells and Handshake Dilemmas
01:24:09
Speaker
you ever run through that? Like, should I hug the girl? yeah I fucking fist bump. That's awesome, dude. I fist bump, girl. Did you see? She goes, okay, fist bump. What do you want from me? he can't you're not and you're not you're not You're not happy when I hug you? you're not happy Do you want me to just fucking kill myself? I'll do it right now. Oh my god, I'll do it right now.
01:24:27
Speaker
like Tell me you want me to do it and I'll do it. I'm watching a hand, because I love you. I started where I work with like fucking I'm working with a bunch of like fucking warehouse black dudes that when I started meeting, I started talking to them, they would be like, like you would say hi in the morning. I always go for like a fist bump with people. Yeah. They're like, what are you doing that fist bump shit for? They're like, you fucking shake my hand or whatever. So I was doing that. And then I go, it's like knowing what someone's preference is, but they're preset, like how I say hi to you kind of thing like.
01:24:53
Speaker
So you can like you can like prefer like a handshake or a fist bump, but like you can't like call me they yeah like but this thing is Like what a stupid line to draw I don't mind I don't mind like if I meet somebody it's a handshake Yeah, if they go for it, i do but have you ever seen somebody that establishes it before you hey, how are you the hand? I'm like that's yeah like I'm like I'll I love you. I love you for doing thank you Oh, when someone says bye to a group of people, and it's just like, ugh. I'm jealous. I'm jealous. I'll do that. Hey, I'll see you guys. Hey, good to see you all. Hey.
01:25:25
Speaker
Do that, uh, like, peace out, dude. Me and, like, Irish goodbye. disappear I don't mind an Irish goodbye. I don't mind an Irish goodbye. I've done it. I've done it. I've never done it. I've never done it. I'm seeking approval so badly that I could never do that. You're like, we these people have to know I just left the building. and i need one on I need one-on-one goodbyes that I need to hear at least one person say that I'm super special. I've done it, like, real drunk where I'm like, if I'm here another minute, I'm going to puke. But, like, I've never, yeah if I leave, I kind of just say, I'll say goodbye to everybody.
01:25:55
Speaker
wrong I'll be like I'll see you guys later No, I never want to leave that's why I Never want to leave so fucking alone. I don't want to fucking leave. I'm my mom's dead and I miss my friends. I never want to leave I Think we should call it here. You guys want to call it. Yeah. I'm sorry for not getting sorry for not putting epsil. Thank you