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EP 19: Cappuccino for Rob
87 Plays9 months ago
In this episode Jim, John, & TJ talk about Boys Night at the Flyers Game, Bi-Fi Movies, and The Roast of Rob Stant.
Buy us our next bowl of MUSH: https://www.patreon.com/CloseToHellPod
Tickets to Jim's upcoming shows: https://linktr.ee/jimgillespiecomedy
Watch us here: https://www.youtube.com/@closetohellpod
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Watch The Roast of Rob Stant here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRWVooXCD_o&ab_channel=RobStantComedy
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Transcript
Life Changes and Transitions
00:00:00
Speaker
What's up guys welcome back to the close to hell podcast Hey guys been it's been a little while. It's been a bit. It's been a lot. It's been a lot I just moved you did a lot of things. I did a lot of things lot Tell us a little bit about yourself In the last three months I left my job Took a new job Didn't like that job So now I'm starting another job and I moved Now I live on the main line now, so. And you got engaged and I'm engaged, baby. We already talked about that. No, we didn't. Oh, I'm engaged, folks. Congratulations. I'm a one woman guy. I think we did talk about it, but I don't never. Yeah, we did episode. We did talk about it. You didn't put it out. Yeah. Bitch, I'm sorry. The backlog is somewhere.
00:00:48
Speaker
Yeah, you got engaged. It's crazy. Congratulations. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. yeah Pass out.
Vaping and Weather Impact
00:00:56
Speaker
What the fuck was that? and I'm trying to vape. I can't vape, dude. I can't breathe. I don't know why you added on vaping. I don't like going outside and it's cold outside. Okay. All right. That makes sense. If I smoke 100 a day, I might as well try to suck on this foreign Chinese chemical. is ape Yeah, it's vape cold. It's a vape. It's like cold enough where I'm going to vape now. It's not going to be cold until February.
00:01:19
Speaker
Pretty much good. Jim wore his best short sleeve golf shirt to
Social Networking and Hockey Anecdotes
00:01:23
Speaker
a hockey game last night. Oh, yeah. I wasn't good at the game. You did look nice. I looked really good in club in the club box. You look like you belong to the club box. Not us. I was trying to I was trying to like meet someone. Yeah. Trying to meet a fancy man. You trying to meet Mr. Hockey. Yeah. I was trying to meet like a sugar sugar daddy. Trying to meet Gritty. Burned Wells Fargo.
00:01:46
Speaker
Oh yeah? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened, here but I feel like we burned Wells Fargo. It's down to the ground. I know I ate a lot and I didn't pay anything. Well, is that why the Sixers are moving? You guys are the reason? Yeah, we took them out of house at home. Yeah, you could blame us for Chinatown going under.
00:02:00
Speaker
yeah try that going on We'll see with you, King. I want to pretend they haven't talked to you.
Comedy Career Updates
00:02:09
Speaker
i've I've been doing a lot of comedy. That's that's it. That's true. I've been doing some big things. Big things. dude Getting out there, doing booking some shows, getting my face on some posters.
00:02:22
Speaker
Doing some festivals. Traveling the road. How was Cleveland?
Ohio Stereotypes Rant
00:02:26
Speaker
Cleveland was cool. Cleveland is Cleveland. Cleveland sucks. Ohio sucks. It was a horrible fucking city. Ohio is wall to wall losers. It's so bad. It's all corn. It's corn losers. I went to Akron, Ohio and it was literally a Rite Aid.
00:02:40
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, but there was like like this is LeBron James's writing. oh There's no buildings like we got good street food I had a slim Jim out in a parking lot of writing and like this is good street food Yeah, there's nothing going on in Ohio. Yeah, they were serving fucking fried guppies. It was retarded guppy sandwiches. go Yeah, ah yeah Guppy on a hot dog bun. How was uh, how did you drive all the way up there and then drive back all in the same night? Oh I mean, it's better than sleeping in Ohio. Yeah, I yeah fucking hate that state.
00:03:11
Speaker
It sucks. It's literally just you just it's corn losers. It's losers in corn. Corn losers. I drove through, I drove four hours through Ohio. I went from Akron to Cincinnati. I thought Cincinnati was like next door. It's on the opposite point. I drove through probably 300 miles of corn. There wasn't a single fucking thing out there except for like a big mega church, like a Kenneth Copeland church, and then just corn everywhere.
00:03:38
Speaker
You thought it wasn't corn, it was actually just needles. There was needles everywhere. Is Ohio have a lot of junkies? Yeah, yeah, his junkies on flat ground. Flat ground junkies?
Desmond's Wild Adventures
00:03:48
Speaker
Yeah. Playing skate. Skate junkies. A lot of heel flippers, dude. A lot of heel flippers. Hard flips. Hard flips. Desmond was a fucking... Shout out, Des, if you're listening to this, Desmond. Desmond. We were drunk coming home from the game. Desmond's a retard. I love him to death. And he was hyping up the Indian fucking Uber driver to drive faster and faster. Guy was going like a buck 20 down 95. Oh my God. and he's like a fat Indian guy with balding with a mustache and he was like needed three friends that night. He needed three friends so bad. John killed me so hard in the fucking lift. I was trying to laugh because the dude was blasting Akon. It was Desmond. Oh he was playing the musical. He gave the phone to Desmond to put music on and he Desmond put an accent on he goes you're doing really good my friend.
00:04:37
Speaker
my friend that one could He kept hitting my brother and my friend in the car. I kept looking over at John like, stop it. Desmond will talk to one Indian guy and then we'll tell a million people. Indian guys fucking love me. Literally. Indian guys, I'm the best at being an Indian guy. It's true. He doesn't get that much. He was like... Desmond was at the the Flyer Stadium and he was like, I get people. And I was like, OK.
00:05:04
Speaker
Fucking lunatic The guy who doesn't get people says that the guy who's around the least amount of people I Get people I know I get people he was hyping that he kept slapping the guys thigh while you're driving hyping him up to drive faster. He was like I
00:05:29
Speaker
For speeding West Philly it was fucking nuts We were originally gonna get an uber like there, you know, it's like you need to wait outside of the stadium Not uber they Google maps it and then they ask you for cash And I was a great uber he goes. I was like we're going back to our more he Googles are more and goes $50 and I was like $50. I was like the apps is 30. He goes. I am the app I I am the app was crazy. I was like, what the fuck? I am the app. I am expecting you to go. Okay. Oh, okay. Okay. I pay him in panties. I pay him in bobs. We had enough bobs. Fucking four racks of bobs. Even Isaac's fucking, Isaac Courtney Ryan's bobs. If Isaac just showed him the side of his neck, he would have just fucking, we could have just like prostituted Isaac, but we got this girl with those. He was being a girl last night. That was so fucking crazy. What happened? We, so we got food. We had club seats and Dez is like eat up. Yeah, we're good. So we all, I get an Italian worst pork, three cores lights. I know the cores lights are like 25 a piece and we're all done in Desmond's like, that's so good. I could get a second one. How about you guys?
00:06:48
Speaker
like he was Like it was like Desmond's first day out in the world. He just got out of jail. How about that food? Would you like more food? I want to get a second amount of food. And then he so so good he goes, they never scanned my fucking thing. And he's like, I say we just order her up and then we leave. And I'm like, I don't.
00:07:06
Speaker
What are you saying right now? All right. OK, I'm not. um He's never heard of he's never heard of a tab before. He's like, I you just eat and then you leave before they get you.
00:07:21
Speaker
I thought he invented Dinan. Doesn't try to dine and dash Wells Fargo Center her last night.
00:07:28
Speaker
But then we kind of did, I don't even like know what happened. I have no idea what happened and I asked Desmond what was happening 86,000 times. He had a different answer every single time. Apparently it's from what I gathered from him because he was fucking wasted. that's why He drank two bottles of whiskey. He drank two bottles of whiskey. it was like yeah So i I didn't bring a debit card. I tried to scan Apple Pay. They were like, we don't take Apple Pay. He's like, I don't have a debit card. So then apparently the manager of the club was like, I'll pay it just when you get back to your seat, Venmo me. And she gave him a business card and does it just, you know, check this out. She wants me to Venmo her ripped up the business card through it.
00:08:10
Speaker
He's like, it's all right. Don't probably hit my pop up up for the money. It's all right. I'll smooth it over.
00:08:18
Speaker
yeah um ah isaacs like I don't want to get chicken tenders and Jim's like Isaac, it's not girls night. It's guys night. You can get chicken. denders Yeah, it's not girls night and food with us, but I don't really know what happened. Desmond just ripped up the car and left.
00:08:35
Speaker
I mean, with the prices, they're charging like they can afford. hobby Yeah, I know. It makes fucking robbery. It was fucking crazy. I ate like a king. I just wanted to know. I just didn't know. Yeah, I just was like, what is happening? Desmond pretty much comes up. It goes, the girl working here is fucking retarded. He's like, I think we can get away.
00:08:58
Speaker
Meanwhile, she knows, meanwhile, my pack of cigarettes out on the way in. So fuck him. Oh, it it was sad. You made you threw your third pack of things. I empty my pockets to get in. And the lady was like, you can't bring cigarettes in here. Bring them back to your car. I was like, I took the train here. She goes, I'll take them. And then she takes them. She just put them in a trash can right next to me. Oh, shit. And I was like, oh, that's what I said. I was like, enjoy my cigarettes. And she goes, I'll smoke now. All right. I was like, all right. OK.
00:09:24
Speaker
Can't wait to fucking rob you blind when I go in there. Should have put a couple hoodies on that tab, too. That was that was hilarious that he didn't understand that they were like keeping a tab. He also. Yeah, of course they are. there's There's a manager of that club who's overseeing like the whole thing. Yeah, 40 people. Yeah, that's it. And fucking Desmond's like middle. He goes in the middle of the ah fourth quarter. We should leave the hockey game. Yeah.
00:09:51
Speaker
For three periods. I also saw the funniest thing at the game too that I didn't tell anyone about. There was like four girls, the row in front of us, that had like the most flyer shit on it I've ever seen. And they were screaming during the whole game. The girl was like, I fucking love hockey. And I looked over and she was Googling how many quarter how many periods are in a hockey game. I fucking love this shit. I fucking die for hockey. Fucking die right now. I'm in her sports chameleons.
00:10:21
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, if if there's a super hot dude that like is like, you know, a little fucking hockey, like, no, I fucking like, is there like a, is there a team that has a really hot guy that sucks, but he like brings women and there has been like just the ah the eye candy for the team. I guess Kelly Oubre.
00:10:41
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Well, no, he's just hot. d j But he's good, too. <unk> He just thinks he's hot. We just found out. So so I heard he thinks he's hot. I heard he's hot. I knew you were fucking gay. Didn't he win like a like hottest like player or something? Yeah. And TJ. Yeah. He won hottest player in my books. He's apartment had a competition. He was the hottest player in my diary.
00:11:11
Speaker
in my heart didn't he Yeah, that's so fucking funny Yeah, I candy I don't I don't really watch her um who's hot who's hot who's hot who's hot? who's ah ah who People think people think brace harbors hot. Well, I feel like yeah, I would say birds they think Nick Cassianos is hot Fiancé likes Alec boom makes me sick. They think the fill the Phillies are a hot team Yeah, they're cow characters. by The Dodger. I like J.T. Oromuto. He's the hot one. The Dodgers didn't really have a state trooper. He does. J.T. Oromuto. J.T. Oromuto cracks heads on 95. Billy Club's your fucking head. Billy Club. He's a Ridley cow. Yeah. Red Army. Yeah. It's the Red Army. They're like fucking it's like tombstone down there. Yeah. They literally beat people. It's it's it's Footloose and Ridley. It literally is. you know It's illegal to dance. Yeah. I heard
New Neighborhood Reflections
00:12:06
Speaker
a guy got Billy Club for humming.
00:12:07
Speaker
are Here's the first fart since the episodes. Came back. We back, baby. That was a good one. That sounded like a hungry cat. I just gave the cats broth. How's the broth doing over there? Valerie's still going boogie. Boogie's watching his figure. He's fucking gay. Yeah, you're keeping a gay cat. My cat writes affirmations for himself in the morning. You are strong and beautiful and important.
00:12:41
Speaker
He's like, your poop doesn't stink. Your shit only stink because you'll be working on yourself. You're working on yourself. Think you sit is progress. If you sit, think that means there's progress.
00:12:57
Speaker
That's so fucking <unk> so annoying. Doesn't mean so fucking. He was like, he was like, we got on the train and he said like the craziest shit ever. And I was like, like, he's one of those people that you just, you don't know what he's going to He doesn't mean anything. He doesn't mean anything by it. I guess. I hope you'll get on the train and this fucking trans person got on in like West Philly, got on the L and doesn't just goes, Oh, look, there's a tranny. I'm like,
00:13:23
Speaker
Okay. You can't just say that. point adam him You can't point at a trans person. You can't point at anybody. I'm pretty sure hey they had a march that's like, don't point at a trans day. Break your finger back. Yeah. We'll break your finger. We had fun though. We were having fun. We were drinking whiskey. We have fingers are canceled.
00:13:44
Speaker
Can't put a finger up anymore. What's next? Can't point a trans anymore. What's next? Yeah. What's next? What's next? Yeah. What's next? They fucking give my kid a pocket Quran. Yeah. fuck Making my kid get a Quran signed every night. Yeah. Fisher price. Quran. Yeah. Baby's first dynamite vest.
00:14:06
Speaker
a My dad gave me a whole Trump. Oh son, Lego land has a mosque. oh
00:14:15
Speaker
Can't do that no anymore. That's why my kids only using connects. That's awesome. Great. Now, Reedus has prayer rugs outside. Reedus is making schwarmer now. Reedus is making fucking hell out. Hey, yeah, I got a gelati with white sauce.
00:14:37
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Gelati over rice. lot Jasmine rice. Yeah. My dad gave me a whole Trump spiel today. And he was wearing, my dad was wearing a denim shirt, peanut buttercuba and know yeah youut butter. Might have had a big stained up denim shirt on, but he had plaid pants on, so his patterns were mixed up. He should have had a flannel on and jeans. Yeah, he looked like a we look like a van in the 80s. He's like, people are done. People are done with how the country's been. We're all done.
00:15:12
Speaker
We're all done. I'm like, you need to go you in one army. You in one army. You're fucking yellow dial bar. So yeah, my dad stinks like dial. Yeah. Yeah. He takes jail showers. My dad will tell me stories about how he got off Prozac and how he, what made him get back on. He's at Acme and he he's like, cause I'm looking for fucking all purpose flower. I'm looking, I'm just, I'm in there looking around.
00:15:38
Speaker
And I walk, look at all the kids got fucking wild hair and shit. He's got crazy fucking wild hair. I walk up, I go, do you know where the flower is? He goes, he goes, I think it's either seven or eight. My dad goes, I got in his face and go, well which one is it?
00:15:53
Speaker
And he goes, I called Dr. DeSalvo that day. I said, get me back on Prozac. And then he goes, I go to the fucking express lane and act me. It's always said, act me by that. It's a hilarious story, but it over a beach for my dad. Overall, that story is healthy that he realized he was being fucking insane. And my dad's emotionally sound. Oh, but he's crazy. Oh, yeah. ah but so do My dad.
00:16:14
Speaker
Yeah, my dad lost his fucking mind at a fucking like just trying to get cheese at fucking. ah That's what does it to them. It's something smart. The market is Omaha Beach on a day. They think like a 50 to 60 year old man when they go to a grocery store, they look at it as a in and out operation. dude My dad managed a fucking path mark for like 20 years.
00:16:40
Speaker
He has PTSD going to the fucking- Yeah, I would too. He runs with the shopping cart around the store. He's trying to get the fuck out of there. He comes in with a dolly. He thinks someone's gonna fucking use the hand of a U-Boat to fucking stock. Yeah, he freaks out. Yeah, he starts bugging. He walks past Derry and he looks like they're slammed. So he was trying to order American cheese at the fucking deli and the chick at the deli. He's like this hunchback old lady and he's like, he's like, You know, everything's got it. Like, you know what I mean? It's got to be fun to be the second. It's got a fucking. Yeah. So like, how does she not know that my palate likes American cheese? He ordered the cheese. Right. And it's like a bit like if people are coming up and getting their shit like he watched someone come up and order and get somebody goes. Somebody mobile orders and they don't understand a mobile order. They think it's just an Indian woman walking by and getting out there, worked on before they get worked
Parental Generational Gaps
00:17:31
Speaker
on, ready to fuck the fuck is it?
00:17:33
Speaker
Get rid of it. My dad thinks everyone's about to just be in the house. No one leaves the fucking house. Everything's a fortress. Yeah, he's goes where he goes. Listen, we're all going to be 50 little countries. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. We're going go to war. They talk. Parents now are scarier than they've ever been because they talk crazy as fuck. Yeah, they've also and they they're the ones that ruin the economy. They used to, now they're reaping their fucking benefits. They used to tell us not to believe what we saw on the internet. And now they get duped by AI every single day. My dad does constantly. My dad was real big on the Obama and Biden making out picture. This fucking profile picture for three years. yeah My dad's like, look at this shit. Look what they did. I'm like, they literally, as it's literally a cartoon. There you go. He's calling you right now. Put them on, put them on. Yo,
00:18:25
Speaker
I'm gonna speak. yeah I'm doing I'm at John's apartment. We're doing the podcast. How you doing? What's up, bitch? i don't Are you home? Wow. That's a long day. That's a 12 hour day. 13 hour day. What's up, bitch?
00:18:51
Speaker
So to bed you go. um like the Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Something to tide over.
00:19:03
Speaker
like
00:19:07
Speaker
fucking All right. Well, ah I'll see you. I'll see you tomorrow. Hey, how about Pittsburgh? I called it. I call it my buddy. My buddy bet on Pittsburgh today. Yeah, that's how easy you got to get it done. All right. All right.
00:19:29
Speaker
That's my dad. He said, I love you. Bye. That's cute. Isn't it the cutest thing ever? He's a good guy. He's a great guy. That's the thing. They're all great guys. They're great guys. They just, they don't have it. They don't have the time. They're tired. They're tired. They're tired as fuck. My dad was working. My dad was working. My dad was working two jobs and then went to ACME and this guy was in the express lane with like 50 items. My dad's like, this is a 15 or less. The guy goes, how many I got? My dad goes, you want to fucking learn how to count? He goes, I was going to teach him how to count.
00:19:57
Speaker
I was like, you need to fucking get in the house now. I was literally needs to get in the fucking house. Dude, when when my he's a fucking handler, dude, when my grandpa needed a handler like he was getting he was wearing full pajama suit top and bottom. Fucking just wipe a peanut butter knife right on it. Fuck you. Fuck you. Right on it. Wipe a peanut butter knife right on it. Fuck you. Why not?
00:20:21
Speaker
Born in 1936. Boom. Fuck you. Boom. Fuck you. I love that so is that. I love it too. It's liberating to he's making peanut butter crackers and goes wham. Yeah. I'm going to walk around like that because guess what? No one's going to even.
00:20:36
Speaker
Bad and I. can you Now, are you one of those people that can see where they're coming from? Can you see where these people are coming from at all? I've been that person. I used to i grew up with him being like that. yes So I was doing that. So you got an edge? I'm fucking wiping the peanut butter knife on me. That's having an edge. That's having aura. They invented aura, those guys. our grant Our grandparents had charisma.
00:20:57
Speaker
which we call Riz. Yeah, we call our parents. Our parents are fucked up. They were in the they were like in the 80s or fucking brats. They were they were like like children of the 80s are so fucked up. Yeah, it's because of like lean cuisine and like microwave foods and shit. They they insane co they all have this disgusting regret of things they should have done in the 90s that they didn't. It's shit that they scream at their kids for is their shortcomings.
00:21:23
Speaker
where the grandparents are more like, the grandparents are more like life was really hard, but it's all about love. It's about, yeah, it's about that they had values. Our parents, our parents values are fucking so values are not nuts. Murder documentaries. Yep. And fucking dads like fucking like the they like porn. They like porn. And they whenever something bad happens, they like to say they are starting up. They always think something's starting up. There it is. Well, activity. My dad, my dad goes to the paper he goes to get a paper. Wawa.
00:21:57
Speaker
And there's a story every time they fucking ID me today. Fucking bitch. I had off. goes Am I missing any hair? my missing I'm like, what is that even for that dreams up scenarios where he has to eat like ah use somebody's pronouns? Yeah. Oh, yeah. um He just makes them up. They've never they've never come across. It's never even once. I don't fuck. Hey, you know me. i he I don't fucking hate the fucking people there. Yeah. Suck whoever's dick you fucking want. Yeah. But here's the thing. More poop all your dick. I don't give a shit.
00:22:31
Speaker
That's literally how they are. They're fucking retarded. They're retarded. It's fine. They're retarded. They dream up scenarios where it's like, fucking he, they, I don't i listen. Me, you. yeah It's like they're not saying nothing. They have no point to make. that just It just pisses them off. My dad put my, I know my dad's about to attack like, like sexuality when he puts his hand on his hip.
00:22:52
Speaker
if he throws a hand up on the hip that's where he's like look between me and you I don't care what happens behind closed doors whoever does what I don't give a shit right but when I'm asking for all-purpose flour I don't need a fucking song and dance yeah and I'm like what do you mean is everything's a song and dance to them everything is showgirls yeah it's all song and dance I'm telling you they're them pulling into ACME and not getting a good spot. That's them already. They're on the boat. They're on the U-boat going to... They make shit up. They make shit up all the time. My dad does this thing on a Sunday where he's driving. He goes, I got to go slow everybody and their fucking brothers out today. Everyone and their fucking mother. That's what marks them. Oh my God.
00:23:28
Speaker
They can't take it. Everyone and their fucking mother. And they're the most spoiled generation too. Because there were six of them. They grew up in houses of six. And everything was cheap. And then they just all retired at 48. Their dad worked for the electric company. Yeah, their dad had a job. They were like, hey, he was a boiler maker. He had 12 kids. My dad had the fifth largest house in Eastlands now. That's the funniest thing your dad's ever fucking said. I had the fifth largest house in Eastlands now. And nine blocks, a nine block town. Not the fourth, not the sixth. The fifth is.
00:24:01
Speaker
fifth largest house It's one of the funniest is that and the fucking somebody wanted to lose and got the cheese balls the toutus and got the cheese bowls I would kill to be there My dad does a bunch of when he when he like when he gets around like like his ah his ex's family and he starts like doing like that super WAP shit. Oh, that's like his whole catch. I'll be whole catch me looking at him being like like he's doing Sicilian stuff. He's being a city, dude. It's itchy.
00:24:34
Speaker
My dad's not even a Italian. My dad steals Italian Valor though. So did my grandpa. My grandpa was ah an Irish Tarzan. That's what I called him. Because he grew up with a bunch of wops and adopted all their fucking. My dad, my dad woped it up when he moved to Overbrook. He joined the Italian club. Oh Tarzan. Tarzan.
00:24:54
Speaker
Yeah, it's funny though like they're like like I don't know how your dad is but like every time I've ever mentioned working in my dad's like they got me overtime or is that just the figment of the imagination? I'm like I'm sorry. I'm not working fucking 13 hours today If you're not they they get they leave a 13-hour shift and any minor inconvenience My dad's like a rumble strip I can't fucking go to a doctor right now because I got to pay out of pocket, but we got rumble strips getting put in. Yeah. I'm like, do you need to really lay down, dude? Yeah, he goes home and watches TV and calms the fuck down. Oh, dude, they're brats. Dude, you got to sit him in front of the TV with something. I got to put him in front of the TV with my dad will smoke a gallon of ice cream. You know what's funny? Smoke a gallon of ice cream. My dad's chocolate loves it. My dad watched the Patriot last night.
00:25:46
Speaker
Did he get fucking hard? That's what I'm saying. I get hard from that movie. He was like, he was like, yeah. So like I was like, how many times you watch this movie? He's like, he was like, honestly, probably like 30 times. He wishes he had a little boy that got killed by fucking Colonel Tabbington. So he could be the one laying down the fucking heat, dude. Every movie gets me. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I was watching a little bit of the Patriot, too. So good. It gets me so hard. This country. That's what I'm saying. But that's the type of shit they're into. Yeah.
00:26:15
Speaker
They need that. And then no one's doing shit like that anymore. Everything's like, I watched this movie. Uh, like, uh, I saw the TV glow. Was that any good? I thought it was supposed to be like scary, but it was literally like, yeah. So like you're like, I was byfi it byfi by Yeah.
00:26:41
Speaker
I watched a bye-bye. I watched the movie Civil War. Kirsten does. Bye-bye. That was pretty bye-bye. But I mean, the movie was pretty cool. And then they ran into that one. Oh, Jennifer's body is bye-bye. Jennifer's body is hot. It's bye-bye. Was that the one with Megan Fox? Yeah.
00:26:57
Speaker
Dude. That's my five. I George. That's my five. I George to do that movie. I was a kid. I George. Yeah, I think it's a pretty straight movie. Straight as fuck. street It's like that in the Patriot of the street. is There's some there's some less motion in there though. So that's straight though. That's still straight. That's straight. When went hot, when hot two guys could be killing each other and this lesbian started fucking right next to me. Let me put their arm around each other and watch it. What are we doing? Look at this. wow That's great for everybody. Chicken parm, dude. It's like chicken parm. Everybody loves chicken parm. It's so funny because two hot chicks making out is straight, but two ugly chicks making out is gay. Two ugly chicks making out is like, ugh, dump a beer on that. Dump a no-chick on that. yeah It brings the middle schooler out of you where you want to fucking be like, ew. Ew.
00:27:46
Speaker
Studs so baby we had a girl in our high school named fart girl We we found a girl that looked like her and that girl's name was fart girl 2.0 Poor soul the Janspore backpack and forehead acne fart girl some poor soul Yeah, fart girl. There was a bunch of like our high school was fucked up. Yeah At least you know, it's really crazy. Remember that Megamind kid.
00:28:10
Speaker
Yeah, which one? There's like four Megamines. The black, the black one. Black Megamines. Oh Oh, come on. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Remember where he's at? Jesus Christ. What do you mean? He works for Tesla. He's a fucking satellite tower. He's up on a rich guy's house right now getting them the fights. They measured his job for the Cybertruck. He's in there. He's looking at the moon sucking up the fights right now. He's getting fights for him. They're using him to control the fucking weather, dude.
00:28:43
Speaker
So I remember some kid called him the eclipse some freshman kid was like supervisor like It looks like an eclipse God nothing's funnier than a 14 year old 14 year old is the most hysterical age yeah you're still kid that where like you don't really have a filter b o And you reek like come and you just say we just say shit to an adult that they know they're not gonna punch you in the fucking face
00:29:10
Speaker
I still feel, dude, a stack of bikes out in front of a pizza shop. I'm going to the other pizza shop. I'm going across the street. I'm not walking anywhere. There's a stack of bikes. Oh yeah. A kid, you'll walk by and a kid's like, Hey, why are you scared of a stack of bicycles in a stack of motors? I saw my stack of motors. I was like, this is fine. Go in and see the stack of fucking like a Huffy's over. You walk past the blades, ride Huffy's anymore. They ride mountain coaches. They park hoverboards out for us. They're all stacked up. Yeah.
00:29:38
Speaker
Yeah, some kid has to fucking I slap one kid they start chasing me, but they'll have to unplug their scooters first. Put their battery packs on. Yeah. They'll have to read after we hit that age. I'm already starting to hit that age where like some kid says something and I'm like, fucking idiot.
Cousin's Financial Naivety
00:29:54
Speaker
My cousin, he was my younger cousin. I ran into him a Wawa and he was hanging out with his fucking little dopey friends.
00:30:00
Speaker
It was like, can you buy me something to drink? I'm like, yeah, sure. I was like, nah, that's all good. I got cheese on me. He literally showed me $3. He's like, I got money on that. I'm like, why you got that? You crumpled up $3. You know they're about to have a legendary hang. Yeah, they are. They are. they Like oh you need the middle school and middle school boys are the most, they're the best friends of all time. Yeah. Every day is shit that ever happened. After school is an adventure. Girls on the other hand. Look at the size of this cat, dude. Yeah. Shout out Boogie. The Boogie cam.
00:30:30
Speaker
But that generation, we're eventually going to be like that because it's happening to us probably fast and it's happening to them. My sister's generation was fucked up. Literally, she's nine years younger than me. She's 18. Her generation is fucked up. The pandemic fucked them up. They don't know how to socialize with each other. They didn't get a prom. Dude. Some of them didn't get a graduation or a prom.
00:30:55
Speaker
They're fucked up in the head. They're fucked up in the head. My younger cousin, she's 13. She, she plays Roblox and they play that game dressed to impress where they give each other eating disorders online.
00:31:08
Speaker
And now they play this game on Roblox called baddies. Where these girls go around eating all their girls up. What do you want? It's called baddies. and like just like Babygirl plays dress to impress with like the younger girl. And they're like, do you want to play baddies? And she's like, I don't have baddies. And they're like, literally bullying girls on there.
00:31:29
Speaker
It's like GTA, but like with eating disorders. Oh my god Like they literally go around they're like your character's fat. I bet you're fat too Some little girl's heart explodes at home. I heard a story the other day. Rob was telling me that like This he was playing with like some dudes online and They asked him if he was fat and Rob was like the Rob was like I wouldn't say fat and they're like that's what a fat guy thing I've ever heard. Are you eating right now? The fact I was that you sound fat and then he's like, he's like, we were friends for years up until that moment. Are we having an online friend? Yeah, he had like an online. Do you have online friends? He had online friends and like they were like, they were like, are you fat? And he was like, I wouldn't say like fat. He was like, that's crazy because that's what a fat guy is. Only a fact. I would say I wouldn't say that. That's like an idea. That's more like a spectrum.
00:32:29
Speaker
by and knife ss by a knife to the heart it's a good knife to the heart. It's like a knife to the heart. It's a good knife to the heart. of You know what's a knife for the heart? A knife for the heart. Yeah, knife to heart. Not a guy with a chin strap and a wig trying to get close. Not an Ecuadorian taking my order for tapas. I don't even think it was the guy was getting called like, like, sir, like because of the way he looked. I think it was because he ordered like 20 clams. Yeah. Six lagers. Yeah. Sorry. What's up, bro? Yes, dude. Yeah. There's our cat. There's Boogs. Boogs, smile for the camera.
00:33:05
Speaker
Buggy. Don't I'm just gonna lay on it and push every fucking button. Like, yeah, I think our generation, I think we're slow we're getting, I think we're rapidly changing more than the our parents are. We're talking about our generation. Their generation's fucking fucked up. Our parents are fucking crazy. they How could you not be?
00:33:26
Speaker
I think they're just going through the same things, but just with tick tock and like, they're going through the same scooters. They're going through the same thing. They just, but they can't access the phone. Like they can't open an iPhone. They can't like do the shit right. They don't even know how to look shit up. They don't want to. They, yeah. Cause some people do. There's like older people that work in like offices that are like 70 that just like to work and they're good at using a computer. But like my dad forget about it. My dad thinks my dad still is trying to go to the library to use the computer.
00:33:54
Speaker
I'm like, yeah yo, yo, your phone song. Yo, man. Yeah, my dad's got the whole thing now. He's got the iPad and the Xbox. He's like all tech, but he doesn't know how to use any of it. Yeah, it just sits there.
00:34:09
Speaker
his His iPad, he like will like use it for like 10 minutes. She's like, all right, that's enough. That's enough iPad for me tonight. I got to go to bed. Some of us got to work. Not all of us could play on the iPad. Just looking at the screen is like a treat. He's like, I'm playing with the thing. dick no It's because those guys.
00:34:25
Speaker
that that generation they used to like like they would like peep i want to see i want to see what he was looking up windows to see women that's oh i thought you guys it was like peep on girls yeah they used to go peep him like people are like oh you're like like people that shared nudes and then we'll be like that guy's a peeper i'm like yeah back in the day there was no like nude getting circulated it was like four guys in a window back with tires were good you can go you can break into someone's house you can look into a woman's window when she was changing that's insane i thought you meant people were peeping peeping to like uh keep up with them like the joneses no i mean like peeping to like see a girl get undressed get hard in a window you think tom yeah back then there's still better these they had to get hard on ladders
00:35:08
Speaker
They'd have to jerk off on a ladder or in a tree. a Lattice lattice going up a house climbing up a lattice yeah climbing up the IV to go see fucking the town slug get naked. Go to you see a pointy go pointy pink tit. Yeah. The 70s boobs do. Yeah. Yeah. 70s triangle boobs do rule. That's why they're they're like, we need to get back to triangle tits. Put them back. All these great things. Yeah.
00:35:34
Speaker
The tits are too big now. Tits are way too big. Guys making a podcast about tits being too big. We all get assassinated. Yeah. You know, what it's really funny living in this neighborhood, like me coming from like basically Chester and like living along the main line. It's rough. It's kind of, it is rough. what This neighborhood, people, people like put the suit on to go run after the car to like get something. I like go out there naked. I'll just run naked to my car and get something.
00:36:03
Speaker
I'm like reverse Beverly Hills Chihuahua-ing right now. i'm like I'm like trying to like untrash myself. yeah But like I'm still like out there like like stuffing cardboard in the trash can. This dude watched me beat up of a fucking pizza box. I literally i literally threw a pizza box down. I did an elbow drop on a pizza box to try to get it in the trash can. It's like where do those people's pizza boxes go? Because I know they're eating them. They just eat the cardboard. that's what They just eat the cardboard.
00:36:31
Speaker
they all either cruelty free pizzas just a box cruelty free pizza yeah because you know we used to insult our pizzas before we put them in the box now everything around here is like there's been a lot of Kamala signs everywhere and there's like two or three two or three Trump signs but I don't know I have no idea I've just been walking around saying good game. Smackin' butts. Smackin' butts. Smackin' Kamala signed butts. butts. Kamala butts. These people here like to love, they love that everything's expensive. They're like, we need a... Please. Please. We need like a fuckin' antique yogurt shop. Yeah, we need antique yogurt.
00:37:14
Speaker
Is that just cheese? Gold for like thrifting for gold? Yeah. Everyone around it it is funny though because like like everyone around here they're all like finance people and like lawyers and stuff but it's just a bunch of dads that are like buying big pickup trucks don't know how to drive them. Hell yeah.
00:37:31
Speaker
They're trying to be rugged on the weekends, but they just smash the fuck out of people's cars. They just sideswipe everything in the town. like The fucking 2025 Toyota Tundra just sideswiped four cars. All wheel drive, baby. Honey, I want to be rugged now.
00:37:48
Speaker
I'm going to do jiu-jitsu and I'm going to Anton. yeah Anton's going to be rugged. Anton Cohen is going to be rugged. Berkowitz. Danny Berkowitz and his Sierra.
00:38:10
Speaker
the He's going to rent an ATV and see if he can ride it, but then he's going to buy one right away. He scraped his name and he liked it. No, they it's funny because you'll see like a big fucking like Dodge Ram pull up and then the dude who gets out it's like three foot eight. He's got he's got like a fucking Patagonia jacket and track pants on and like Snooks. Yeah. like What the fuck is going on?
00:38:34
Speaker
So fucking stupid. when Like living in like Chester, there'd be like dudes in pickup trucks that have like a fucking like hamburger meat hanging out of the front seat. Like just an insane truck that looks like a fucking Trisket on wheels. yeah Just rotting from the inside out.
00:38:48
Speaker
I love when the tiny dude jumps out of a big. a It's my one of my it's one of the funniest visuals ever like the smallest dude ever getting out of the biggest truck ever. It's so funny, but no it's even funnier than that. A really big dude in a tiny truck or buy a tiny car or the huge guy. That is fucking hilarious. When I get it, when I get it, Rob's wife's car, I like to hold the bottom of the door from the outside.
00:39:16
Speaker
should drive a honda fit yeah the I stopped with my hand. yeah Her and fucking Robin Britt look like the fucking ice climbers from fucking a little biracial has come over. relationship They're rice climbers. yeah rice climb
00:39:43
Speaker
Oh, fuck. Yeah, Rob. Rob drives the Was he driving before that? Ford Fusion? He had a cop car? Yeah. Rob's like, I want to pull people over.
00:39:59
Speaker
Mommy, I want to be a cop. I want to be a dapper cop. That shit was so fucking funny. Oh my God. Rob's mom at the roast was so funny. So good. That was a great roast. That was fun. Oh my God.
00:40:12
Speaker
Listen, check out Rob's Dance Roast on his comedy channel on YouTube. His mother put on a fucking display. How long did she do? Like 20 minutes? Awesome. She was like, which leads me to my next story about Rob. It's like 45 minutes in. Yeah. She was like talking with her hand and Rob like tried to move her hand down and she just raised her hand even higher so we couldn't reach him. Oh my God. Betty Joe, protect her all costs. My tiny little man.
00:40:41
Speaker
My little dapper man. When she started crying, I fucking lost my mind. And what's his name? Who was that other guy with the beard? and Mike Nadasic. He said the funniest goddamn thing about her. Oh my God. like I thought I was white trash and I met her. That was so funny.
00:40:57
Speaker
It was so good. I love a roast. That was a fun time. I like a roast. I don't like roast battle. Yeah. for battles and a wings like Okay. This. Yeah. Okay. If you win based off like the little jabs in between, that's not funny. You're well-crafted joke. Like a funny. Yeah. Craft.
00:41:14
Speaker
Yeah. you When you write jokes, do you ever talk about crafting? Craft. Do you craft? Yeah, I do. I try to craft. Try to craft the joke. I'm trying to i'm trying to be a pro. I want to learn how to, you know, deliver shit with some gusto. Gusto is a great word. Yeah. I need some Genesecua. I delivered a big turd this morning with gusto. That's the funniest shit ever.
00:41:38
Speaker
that youre your your fiance said the funniest fucking thing of all time. She's like, we got something wrong with her. She grabbed all the time. She got the air fresher. She was like, hey, we got this weird problem where like we take a dump in the man. like Shit smell in there. and The poops think like lingers. It's like John said it's something with the the building. John said it's structural. Yeah. Yeah. Something with the load bearings or something. That would be so funny to start calling her a harasser and be like, hey, I'm and ah one i'm on the first floor. um My bathroom smells like shit yeah all the time, like three times a day.
00:42:15
Speaker
Every time I take a dump in my bathroom, there's things like shit. Yeah. I just, uh, the place I'm working at is a temp. I'm like carrying iron around all day. And it's like one of those jobs where like you're, you're not allowed to have like a colon or a bladder. Oh yeah. You like look at the bathroom, like where were you at? I'm like, I was pissing. They're like, well how long is that? I'm like 10 seconds. Yeah. You're every, every time you're not like hurting your spine, you're, you're stealing time. You're stealing company time.
00:42:45
Speaker
There's like nothing to do. They're like, I need you to like, I need you to do when you're back for vacation. You go to think of pants. Listen, when you're back for vacation, I need you to fucking really pick it up. We're behind. It's like, yeah, I remember working at Starbucks. You could just go shit at any point. I i literally I drank espresso all day. I couldn't stop shitting. I would shit like six times. I had like a six hour shift. I would shit every hour on the hour.
00:43:11
Speaker
and hand then have a cigarette. It's important. Oh, I would smoke a pie, 10 cigarettes on like a four hour shift. I would take the trash out a million times. And then one day I smoked, there was a, I remember there was a fitness place, that gym in the back. I would smoke cigarettes leaning against the gym. ah Like people would just walk through my smoke going into the gym and I would flick the butts there, like not even thinking. And one day the the the owner of the gym walked past me, walked by and he kicked the cigarette butt as hard as he could in front of me where I like flinched.
00:43:41
Speaker
He's like, no no more of this, all right? I'm like, all right, sorry. Can't focus smoke no more. yeah Yeah, sorry littering on this guy's property. I can't fucking smoke what I can't fucking disturb everyone 6 a.m. Oh Fucking hot cigarette in someone's face. What I am dude. What a weird time life was when we were doing that shit.
Working at Starbucks During Pandemic
00:44:02
Speaker
We're gonna Starbucks. Yeah the best We worked through the pandemic and everybody was working at it all we worked at a what we worked at an all-white Starbucks in the wake of their fucking like
00:44:13
Speaker
Big fiasco. Big fiasco. We had the George Floyd riot. We had COVID. We had ah just, I mean, just regular white women meltdowns. Were you guys there when they they had to do like the racial like training? I was. Yeah. he He did it. And then I did, I, when I became a supervisor, they did racial sensitivity training damn and it was like basically like, you know, make coffee, like try not to suck on the girl's dreadlocks when she comes in. Yeah, it's like I don't i don't even know what it's as they said. I'm like, I don't fucking I don't I'm not like a dick. you take I just won't fucking call someone a slur. I guess they were like, they were like, that's easy. We're going to coffee shop. market gonna fucking Hey, what's up? You fucking just say some shit. The scenarios were always hilarious because it was like it would always be like if you saw a woman with a bone in her nose, what would you say if she were the cappuccino? And it's like it's it's like it's like a hello. B, good morning. C,
00:45:09
Speaker
yeah aa It's like I'm just not you know, it's a fucking cup of coffee. I'm not gonna be like oh here we go again i mean mean There was a couple there was a couple people that they'd walk in and I go never getting them out of here They're gonna be in here forever Old Jewish lady. I asked for a microphone not cappuccino um i'm like Oh, yeah. Yes, or what? Fuck. Yes, or what? Foreheads back. Well, what? Yes, for what? Wow. The fucking head. The funniest thing ever is the guy about the fucking that. Yeah. So it's their fist at you. No, no. This guy would show this guy showed up in the morning and there's like 20 drinks on the mobile counter. okay And he sta he ripped a st straw out of the thing. I was like looking for his drink to stab. He stabbed this fucking ice coffee and ran out of there.
00:46:00
Speaker
I'm gonna start doing that. I'm gonna start doing shit just to fuck with people like without a camera. It's just like... Oh, I have a couple of different friends that say they just go to Starbucks and grab shit and leave. They don't care. Yeah, just grab anything. Oh my gosh. I told you what my plan is, living on the mainline now. I'm gonna start getting dressed up like an architect or like... What's that what's that look like? I wanna know what that looks like in your head. Like TJ, but like with without that like haunting orange shirt that he has on right now. Yeah. Without that like, orange shirt! That shirt's orange!
00:46:29
Speaker
Yeah, but like dress up kind of fancy or whatever and then go to a coffee shop and then just put on Isis beheadings full volume But like just sit there like act like I'm working from home take notes like radio You have an iPad a beheading you should have a like a laptop of beheadings playing but you're on a Bluetooth walking around And you have what you're holding a button open book just a hardcore born gang bang yeah full volume gang bang at a coffee shop bit banging I just watch it like It's like a live graph. It's what I do for work. It's my job. It's my job. This is my job. Just sit there like it's going down. It's going down.
00:47:07
Speaker
Traumatize everybody in a coffee shop. I went to a coffee shop down the street and it's, uh, it, everybody in there is slow. Yeah. What do you mean by slow? Like like special needs, special needs. Okay. There's a special need. How do they get serve, save, serve?
00:47:22
Speaker
I don't know, cut their hands off. Third save. But I- Third save, third save. Honestly, you could probably take a test. I didn't know. I didn't know. I thought just the guy at the register was slow. I'm thinking, okay, whatever. Then you saw a girl dipping her hands in the fryer. I started putting two and two together and I was like- And it blew their minds. You put two and two together, it blew their minds. I put two and two together and they were like, you want to own this fucking place? Yeah.
00:47:47
Speaker
A new owner. Are you available on Thursdays? Are you available on Thursdays? But then I was watching these mainline moms like get snippy with like a fucking retarded guy. I'm like, come on, come on, come on. She's like, I don't. I've said it to him like three times.
00:48:04
Speaker
I'm like, yeah, he's fucking retarded. Just literally get a drip coffee. Just get a coffee. She's like, I don't want a smoothie, papaya. thing And the guy's like, water. Water. Water. water who wants who want us who water Two Two waters. Two waters. I would go to a water shop. She's like, I mean, yeah. Water job water shop? I'm opening a watery.
00:48:33
Speaker
I think it's great. There's a a water shop. That might be a fucking genius idea. A water shop. Yeah. People like bougie audio. This is Chester sink. no um this girl busting um honey try the chester one apparently there john's
00:48:53
Speaker
This is Chester Chester Chester sink. Oh my God. Shorty, come over here. There's john's goingnna the shot there's John Finna be busting. yeah is This down there they were like is an aged one. It's a Darba Creek. I like what i order like i know the spiel down there too. like Once I kind of realized, I'm like, all right, well, I'll get something. And I got a coffee and then I got a plain bagel with cream cheese. They brought out a water and a roller skate.
00:49:24
Speaker
Well, yeah, it was like, you know, whatever. right I I ordered a coffee and a bagel. I got a water rollers. People were going in there to get mad. And I'm like, you live in the area like you didn't know you knew. Yeah, you didn't know like to come in here and blow up on these retarded guys. That might be the appeal is that they don't. They get to the restaurant with you. You have to go to be mean.
00:49:49
Speaker
They were like, the woman was like, the woman was like, oh okay, all right, let's start over again. They have an excuse to be a bitch or an asshole. yeah Oh my God, that's actually. Come on in, harass them. Come on in, fight with them. They don't care. They don't give a fuck. he did dude Could you give us up a fuck? He literally looked at her like, fucking retard. I'm gonna play smash later. It's 45 minute shift. It's like he in his head. He's like rock out for forty five minutes he has no idea like she has no idea He's literally gonna like sniff his balls and play smash later He does hand on his balls order like to taking the order of like it's whatever
00:50:28
Speaker
But like the i once I noticed, it was like like a situation where you're like, everyone's in there to kill you. You start seeing people like look at each other and talking to you. yeah This was like, I was watching, like I saw one dude just start like doing the running man back there. yeah Dishes up to the rafters. Dishes went through the roof. there's a There's plates on top of the roof. They were throwing plates up there. like yeah I'm not watching that one.
00:50:50
Speaker
And then there's like furniture, but everything was like different chairs. Like they just found chairs. They're like, in order to get there, you had to bring a chair in or some shit. Yeah. BYO people were like, like one look at her she's like um like what you thinking? You think what I'm thinking? You know what I'm thinking? Poopy hand. Poopy hand. It's a thought. It's all right. What else is he touching? Yeah, I think it's fine.
00:51:16
Speaker
But it is kind of, it it does kind of suck that that's the only coffee shop in the in center of town. The nation? Yeah. The old, I know it is funny. It's like, just go to fucking Wawa, it just go to Wawa and get some girl with a fucking attitude to make you a cup of coffee. Like, yeah, no, some, yeah. You need some like, yeah, this is.
00:51:33
Speaker
This is... This is literally choke fuck roasters. This is our special like exquisite artisan blend from like choke fuck roasters. Yeah, this this came from a bruised baby. Yeah, this came from a bruised slave. Yeah, Chilean miner actually was able to harvest these beans while having his feet cut off. ah yeah This is fermented cat puke. Yeah, yeah. So we were actually able to extract this from Poop of a bat. And and then there's ah there's like a bunch of places down there that like, like. Imagine drinking and catching. They don't want you in there. You go into a store down there, they literally don't want you in there. You're like, oh, we're new to the area. They're like, great. Awesome, conformist, pig, capitalist, pig fucker. Cool, I'm glad you brought your stain. You let go in there, I was like, oh, this is really nice. I'm like, how long you guys been open? They're like, five years. If you don't know, don't worry about it. Five years.
00:52:30
Speaker
Yeah, fuck all right. Hopefully find can i might buy you I'm not buying the moose anymore. How about that? I'm getting moose from you. get Coffee and moose. Coffee and moose for breakfast. so Coffee and gauntlet. Shit, my fucking faggot. Meanwhile, I went in there and had moose and shit for a half hour in there. And one of those, like, one of those, like, all gender, like, french fry shaped bathrooms. Oh, yeah. Crinkle fry bathroom. I blew it up. I just blew it up in there.
00:52:56
Speaker
i took a power plant though there problem is i'm digg like power plant shit and these maintenance guy share i'm walking in there with a fucking garbage manhead garbage man ahead coming in yeah But then I sat in front of the wine and spirits right across the street and drank my coffee I tried to pretend like I was chilling but I'm literally sitting there like I I want to watch loud videos like I want to watch like really like Mike Tyson videos.
Coffee Shop Observations
00:53:24
Speaker
People are like walking past me. All these women are pulling into the wine place at like 8 a.m. and they're getting handles. Straight up handles. a day That's for the day. That's just to get to two o'clock so they can go back to sleep. the Fucking air on. Oh, yeah.
00:53:43
Speaker
But the area's nice. Yeah, yeah. It's nice. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than that, it's great. Other than whatever sir They told the one guy, they were like, it was really I was just sitting there, they're like, they were like, all right, now say this is a cappuccino for Rob. And the kid was like, to oh. you. Oh, shit. Rob hopped up. He must go there a lot. He must be really, really fucked.
00:54:37
Speaker
Oh shit, that's me.
00:54:42
Speaker
That's me. a ah
00:54:53
Speaker
yeah i
00:55:01
Speaker
see rob He's a regular Oh oh oh fuck ah That's so fucking... That's me. That's shit, he said Rob. That's shit, he said Rob. That's shit, he said Rob
00:55:47
Speaker
name by the way no
00:55:53
Speaker
I should do that, though. I should go to that place. What's that place in the city? I forget the name of that place. It's like real, real liberal. Like, really liberal. Like, my dad would literally melt, like, the Wicked Witch in there. His skin would flare up. The place is called, like, Skin Drink or something. Yeah, the place is called, like... I want to go in there so bad and be like, can I have a name? And I'll be like... Large mocha latte from... Yeah, it's literally like Libby's.
00:56:23
Speaker
and He's a fucking six foot five man. Yeah, liberal to her yeah that's Veronica. Yeah. Oh our ball. You wanna speak to Veronica? I'm Veronica. Hey, what's up? Sup? you had a problem with our vegans? Oh man. You had a problem with art had power with our macaroons?
00:56:42
Speaker
Yeah, I do. There was macaroni in them. Yeah, you go to that coffee shop to order macaroons. You got a bag of fucking gummy dolphins. one Thanks, man. I only know how to order the wrong shit to get what I want at every other coffee shop. So I go to a regular one. They give me literally what I asked for. Yeah, it's it's it sucks going to coffee shop and then getting what you ask for. Hold on. She's new. Oh, my.
00:57:03
Speaker
ah for A round of chocolate milks. That'll be 860. 860. It'll be funny if that was just a huge like nate Nathan Fielder prank. Can I get a k cappuccino for. ah Oh, that's me. I'll say cappuccino. for ah ah i That's fucking funny. Oh, fuck. Oh, man. We walk we what worked with the Retarder Girl Starbucks. Multiple. A few. Yeah. Multiple. What well like what responsibilities do they... get like like to do them i would make him do I would make him do the drains and the... He's got them doing, like, boot collar work. He's got them doing shit we don't even do.
00:57:58
Speaker
I got him doing grunt work. Jim was like, go ahead there and paint the parking lines.
00:58:06
Speaker
Is there a fucking marker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tender and Sharpie. Yeah. Go kick the bathroom door open and go make sure that guy has. Yeah, I had the one girl. I said, take this. I said, take this. I took took a long piece of receipt. I said, go outside and count the parking spot.
00:58:25
Speaker
ah She was in my fucking way. It was like, go count the parking spots and come back. Let me know how many there were. You go wipe the grout lines, scrape the grout lines, and then fix that elbow under the. I had two of them catching gnats with their mouth.
00:58:42
Speaker
hey and I'm licking syrup off the walls.
00:58:47
Speaker
They had a few but they would put them on like, it always seemed like they conveniently put them on like a fucked shift. Where there's like three people holding them down. For some reason. You're waiting for reinforcements and then they show up and you're like, Jesus. Yeah, you're working the mid-shift. You're working the mid-shift and like you get two people at 1130 and the two people that walk in literally conked heads on the way in the delivery.
00:59:10
Speaker
To get two of them to do something at the same time, we had to bonk their heads together. They tried to walk through a door at the same time and shit. It was like, fuck take three tries to get him in the building. try to clock their it's Trying to clock in in the oven, put their hand in the oven, clock in. What the fuck? No, it was really funny because like you'd put them in a situation, like are we had a supervisor that would put them in situations that I'm like, come on, like don't do that tonight.
00:59:39
Speaker
Yeah, it's 7 30 in the morning. Don't put them on the warming where you like the heating up all the food for people It's a fucking it's a fucking retarded person like I'm sorry mentally challenged person doing that. It's like One you're gonna tell them to do something and they're a hundred percent not gonna do anything that you ask them and they can't help it Yeah, like what is she doing? I'm like, what do you mean? What is she doing? She's trying to survive yeah fucking complicated. fucking They were like, to I feel like like what was what was insane about it is is being among that crew of people yeah with those people and knowing that our boss saw as all equals.
01:00:17
Speaker
Yeah, that made me like that made me puke every day. Yeah, like giving me a piece of peppermint sparkling. I'm like walking over right out of their hands. This is good. This is good now. This is part of the fall release and they like is it like we had that one supervisor. I won't I won't say their name but like They were like mad because they put this girl who was slow on like bar. And I'm like, I never, in fact, she's never done bar, but like I was good at a bar. I'm like, I could have her help me. You know, hey, the sticker on this cup and give this to me or whatever sticker only put her on the bar. She put the sticker right on her glasses. Yeah, she put the sticker on her. as She ate the sticker. And then I like walked up. I walked out and took a break. Yeah. Watch. They put her on bar and I came back and it was like when the anchovies take over like the Krusty Krab. Fucking Bonnaroo in there on top of that. It's just like loud cafe music that no one wants to hear
01:01:12
Speaker
song like where like yeah fox going again It's like because my fucking turk I got the turkey sausage packet why where's my fork? literally My leg my leg yeah yeah And I came back and that person was like fucking just I mean cut nothing nothing was getting done She's really like like shaking. Yeah, and the other person was like i run the one girl understand what her problem is I'm like She's fucking slow. Maybe yeah, remember when remember when there wasn't even nice about it either They're like who put this there. What the fuck is that? They're late for work. They're late for work and they got this fucking brainiac trying to make him fucking
01:02:03
Speaker
it was Ice milk it dude don't long one girl who date The one girl cried like so there were so many pumpkin muffins to get done she cried She didn't want to do with the warming and they put her on the warming and she wasn't slow. Okay. She's being a fucking baby she's And she cried and went in the back and was shaking and everyone he was huddling around her I'm like, yo, there's 30 people outside. This is a business. This is a business fucking summer camp and I used to have ABC family like moments. Yeah, I took the trash out there in front of my district manager and they're like, you do you want a promotion? And I'm like, yeah, sure. I'll take it. They're like, you take the trash out. Holy shit. This guy throws his fucking trash out back. who Yeah. It was really funny when it'd be like a whole thing of girls working. Nothing things is getting done.
Cleaning House and Job Offer
01:02:52
Speaker
Three dudes come in and tear down the house. Yeah. But like by tearing down the house, it's like literally wiping a countertop off. Everyone's like, wow, this guy's killing it. Wait a minute.
01:03:01
Speaker
I think this guy has something. I'm going to pay him 12.50 an hour. It's got all three hands on one rag.
Interview Bizarre Questions
01:03:12
Speaker
So funny.
01:03:13
Speaker
Their interview process, like they literally asked me, they were like they're like, are you really going to show up? Yeah. They asked me a question. They were like, you're the size of a Cheerio and you're stuck in a bowl of milk. How would you get out?
01:03:25
Speaker
like on My phone sign rain purple. They're like this shift. You're gonna be a supervisor Mm-hmm. You need to be watching this. They also were like, oh don't don't be scared to take mental health days Hopefully say that yeah, but it was only because they didn't want us to get overtime oh Okay, that was the employee.
Work Challenges and Mental Health
01:03:45
Speaker
Okay, because they assume everybody's slow who works there it's good Mental health yeah I think I need to be off today for my mental I'm just struggling like the 12 hours a week is really killing me I Just have a lot like hours I just have a lot going on leave a big pause so you can ask yeah all the time I Just there's a lot show up crying my eyes out and then if anybody asked me what's going on I'm gonna tell them nothing for four hours until eventually they get to give up on asking and then I'll spew Do you think I could like
01:04:21
Speaker
Could you let me hear the bean closet? Let's talk in the bean closet. Could you lend an ear for just like a moment? Let's fucking take a nude in the mop sink.
Cafe Conversations and Show Excitement
01:04:32
Speaker
So that's cafes. That's cafes for everybody. Yeah. Guys, this has been fucking tremendous. I think it came out all right. That was really funny. We're back, baby. Yeah, we're back, baby. Check us out next week as well. Yeah, we'll see you next week. This is our new studio. This is our new studio. See you next time. TJ Productions.