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EP. 54 Ballerina (2025) & Fan Mail
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
That a shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:27
Speaker
a
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrub in the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Introduction and Social Media Engagement
00:00:57
Speaker
Hello welcome to episode 54 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast, aka the Hemorrhoid Homies, aka the Poet Town Boys. i am My name is Nick. I'm here with my lovely co-host, the Edgelord himself, Gerald.
00:01:11
Speaker
That's me. Hell yeah. ah And today we have a few things, two, three things to get to. ah ah bibyity papa A Yep. Our review today will be on the John Wick sea spinoff Ballerina.
00:01:28
Speaker
which I have a lot of thoughts about. You just came back from the theater like 20 minutes ago. I am fresh out of the womb. i mean, I saw it less than 24 hours ago. so It's all fresh in my head head and not my dickhead.
00:01:44
Speaker
I mean, certain parts can be in your dickhead. but I mean, certain people in this movie can get in my dickhead. You know what i mean? How you doing? Yeah. um Yeah! Whoa.
00:01:55
Speaker
That was loud. Before we do all that, we'll do a... plug So, follow us on Instagram, 2Guys1ScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to 2Guys1ScreenPod at gmail.com.
00:02:09
Speaker
Follow us on... ah YouTube, TikTok, Instagram for the clips when they come back. They're coming. They're coming. Kind of like a prepubescent boy. They're coming, but give them time.
00:02:22
Speaker
Yep. do you remember the first time you in your pants? I came right on the carpet, actually. But you remember like the day? Like, you know, like what you could like think back to like the first time you came.
00:02:33
Speaker
I can. Yeah. I was like up late at night and like it was I think I had like I had like Spike TV on. So they like didn't give a fuck at those hours.
00:02:44
Speaker
And there was like a commercial for like ah girls going wild. So like it was censored. But I was still fucking whacking that shit. But it wasn't even like a whack. It was like two strokes and I bust on the carpet.
00:02:58
Speaker
I wish had story as good as that. you know Also, I just do that what you just said. just do that now as an adult. Oh, okay, yeah. You stand up while you jerk off That's kind of better.
00:03:09
Speaker
change it otherwise If you get in like a squat position, it kind of makes you bust bigger nuts.
00:03:17
Speaker
was being honest. If you, if you, wow. I mean, this is not great to be doing talking about three minutes in, but if you, if you do it standing up, you can fucking see your come shot. Like how far you're shooting it.
00:03:29
Speaker
Yeah. don't shoot very far. Not anymore. No. Right. You know what? I think I jerk off too much. So now I just like, I gotta like take like a year off my year. I think a week will do it.
00:03:41
Speaker
No, not even a week. I've done a week. I've done like a month. Nothing. And it's not. It hasn't been grouped. need to get like dick shots. Like steroids for your dick. Maybe like blood pressure medicine or something.
Voicemail and Personal Stories
00:03:53
Speaker
Okay. Anyway, let's finish the plug. ah Follow us on Letterboxd. I don't get a fucking follow like ever. So I'm getting really fucking sick and tired of this. You know? Yeah. Really. Yeah.
00:04:04
Speaker
Leave a comment.
00:04:07
Speaker
Call us on 508-8-5STUS. 508-8-DIP-TIP-6-MINUTE-LIMIT. You know, the voicemail and such. Which we have one today.
00:04:19
Speaker
We fucking got one. All the stuff that Joe just plugged, link in description. Click it. Click it. like Stick it. Lick it. Exactly. Do whatever you want with it.
00:04:30
Speaker
Suck on it. Don't suck on it. Pull it. Yeah. Bop it. Yank it. We're here. We've had a lot of we got a lot of things going on in our own lives.
00:04:41
Speaker
Too many. um what I mean, the hemorrhoids came to a ah point. not i mean
00:04:52
Speaker
The hemorrhoids are... I need to know. I need to know what's going on. Leg us on me. All right. So, Aaron, it was a normal Wednesday night, right? I ate dinner, right? And I'm just, you know, laying in my bed.
00:05:04
Speaker
What did you eat dinner? Um, just for fun. It was pasta. Okay. Shout out to Len. Yeah. Pasta and a side salad. Right. Nothing crazy.
00:05:15
Speaker
No, nah. Um, so around like 745, right? You know, when you like it hits, they got a shit that you got a shit, right?
00:05:26
Speaker
Right. Right. So I run in, right. I'm thinking it's going be like a normal shit. Right. So I sit down and do the whole, the whole thing, right? Go through your, your routine. Right.
00:05:37
Speaker
And then about right above, right below my belly button, but not quite my fupa area, right? Yeah. I felt the most insane pain i have ever felt.
00:05:53
Speaker
It felt like a chest burster was about to bust through. You got a fupa burster. I got a fupa burster, all right? So... I'm struggling because nothing's coming out like at all.
00:06:05
Speaker
Right. Yeah. So I start to sweat like profusely. All right. Yes. Then like my entire body just starts going numb. All right.
00:06:19
Speaker
This no exaggeration. Right. I am like numb. And then i can feel myself start like passing out. Right.
00:06:30
Speaker
So what would you do in this situation? Well, none of them passed out before. I don't know. Yeah. Then call big Len. Right. So I'd like start like start yelling for him. Right.
00:06:40
Speaker
Yeah. And like, meanwhile, and i'm having flashbacks like wounded soldier. Right. Something like that. Right. So like he knew something was wrong because like I'm in the bathroom and I'm calling for my dad at 27 years old. That's not normal.
00:06:53
Speaker
Right. No. So he like opens the door and like, I'm just fucking sitting there like cock out. Well, it's shoved down into the, you know. You don't do that?
00:07:05
Speaker
Shove your cock where? Into the toilet bowl? I shove my ball sack because it's so fucking big. My dick just kind of falls with it. But you don't pee when, like. I pee, yeah, but typically my, like, I've been trying to tell you have small dick, but i don't have that problem. Well, I'm fat, so, like, I have to, like, I sit, like. Your thighs rub together.
00:07:24
Speaker
Yeah. Or they don't. I don't know, but your thighs are in the way. My thighs aren't in the way. Not when I'm shitting because I'm kind of like this, you know? Like I'm at like a... So why so you just shot a fucking big dick then?
00:07:36
Speaker
Maybe. Let us know if you shove your fucking dick down in the toilet. Let us know. By the way, your dick is not like encased in clothing. It's not encased in clothing either though.
00:07:47
Speaker
It's not. Yeah. But bush out unless you're trimmed. ah We're starting to grow back, right? So there's a little little saw and something going on down there, right? Right. Okay. So Len comes in.
00:07:58
Speaker
And he's like, are you okay? And I'm like, I don't i don't know. i have no idea what is happening to me right now, right? yeah Yeah. So like he's like panicking, right? Because he doesn't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening.
00:08:13
Speaker
ask another question? Yeah. Okay. So at this point, has any poop left your body? No. So it's like a constant feeling of diarrhea, but nothing is coming out.
00:08:26
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Yes. So it's scarier than any movie I've ever watched my life. It is dude. It really is. well So the only things I remember from blacked out.
00:08:40
Speaker
No, no. Yeah. So, so from when, from when, um, I told my dad, I don't know what's happening. Yeah. To when the ambulance showed up.
00:08:53
Speaker
Yeah. Right. I think it was like probably like 15, 20 minutes, right? You were out? I don't remember any of it. and so you passed out, huh?
00:09:04
Speaker
Yeah, on the toilet, right? On the toilet, passed out. On the toilet, right? So I woke up, right? And my hands are like, I'm like kind of like face palming. Yeah.
00:09:15
Speaker
But like the the ah like John EMT dude. Uh-huh. I just remember him being like, yo, you alright? Can you hear us? And I'm like, no. No, I can't.
00:09:28
Speaker
They're like, alright, well, we're gonna go get a stretcher, right? So, as they're getting the stretcher... here Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, because because I'm going in the ambulance. Right, right. So... And then did you just get out of the stretcher, like WWE fake it, and then come back and beat the shit.
00:09:45
Speaker
That'd be crazy. That'd be fucking crazy. No. So... As they walk out, right? It explodes. What explodes?
00:09:56
Speaker
My anus. Not like actually explode, but like whatever bowels. Yeah. But you're still on the toilet. Yeah, I'm still on the toilet, right? Okay. Okay.
00:10:08
Speaker
So all the shit comes out, right? Oh, wow. This is the most shit I've ever seen in my life. You must have felt so good. No, I know because the pain didn't go away.
00:10:18
Speaker
Oh, oh, that was the problem because it typically is the shits out and you're done. Right. Which because then so I did that. Right. And it's like Mount Everest of shit. OK, but it's not like.
00:10:35
Speaker
It's not like so hard because I thought I was like constipated, right? Right. Because nothing was coming out. I think you might have one of my biggest fears in life if this is where i think it's going. okay Okay. Keep talking. Keep talking.
00:10:47
Speaker
It's literally like ah a mountain of like pudding or something. It's like probably like what the bottom of ah of a port-a-potty looks like. Yes. Yeah.
00:10:58
Speaker
But it's like the entire fucking bowl, dude. Like it is like. But you told me you hadn't shit in like how many days before that?
00:11:08
Speaker
Before that, it was like a couple. Maybe like two or three. Okay. It's after. okay After we are currently in the problem. Oh, we are. Yeah. Right. We're in the era. Yeah.
00:11:20
Speaker
So after that, right, they come back in, right? Got the stretcher ready or whatever, but they couldn't fit. They couldn't fit. like the stretcher, like into the apartment. Cause the door is like kind of small, you know, where I live.
00:11:33
Speaker
You can't just turn it. I don't, I don't know. I didn't care. Okay. Oh, cause then you're on it. They can't get you out. Right. Okay. Cause it's like, it's like a skinny dude and a skinny chick. Like they're not picking my ass up.
00:11:46
Speaker
Right. Yeah. So they're like, can you stand up? And I'm like, I mean, I can try, but I'm still like, like my dicks out, dude. Come on. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, well, I was like,
00:11:59
Speaker
I was like kind of like ah aware what was happening. So I like remember telling them like, can I wipe?
00:12:06
Speaker
right Like I'm not just going to go. ass is full shit, bro. Right. So like I like half. It's like a half ass wipe. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I wash my hands. Low key. I don't think I wash my hands at all.
00:12:19
Speaker
In that situation, I think you're excused. I think I'm excused. Right. So like they struggle to get me into the um like the stretchers like outside So they get me in the ambulance or whatever. They give me fluids and I'm like going in and out in the ambulance.
00:12:36
Speaker
Okay. Because I think I was losing consciousness because the pain was so bad. Wow. Because that's like a thing. Yeah, you can just, yeah, pain is so much your body. just Yeah. yeah And that's happened to me before when I fucked my back up.
00:12:50
Speaker
So like um kind of had it happen, but long story short, I got to hospital at like 830 ish. And I didn't get out until 3.30 the next morning. 3.30 a.m.
00:13:06
Speaker
Yeah. I had to be work at 10, so I didn't go. I was going to say, we just went to work? didn't go to work. I didn't go to work. But I'm not going to do all the bullshit because we're sitting there. They did a CAT scan because they thought that it was constipation.
00:13:24
Speaker
But you just shit yourself. so Right. So there nothing showed up in the CAT scan. No blockage or anything. But like the pain is still there. like It's kind of coming down because they were giving me anti-nausea shit.
00:13:37
Speaker
Yeah, so you're in the you're in the hospital. You still have pain. Yeah. So they do blood work and everything. And they say that like nothing is like wrong in the blood work. Nothing showed up in the CAT scan.
00:13:51
Speaker
Right. So this doctor has the balls to write on like the diagnosis that it was constipation and for me to take Miralax.
00:14:02
Speaker
And y'all just left it at that, you think? Well, yeah. That's what his diagnosis was. He's like, well, maybe you should see like a gastro. Oh, he's like, I can't help you anymore. Just go see a gastro. Right.
00:14:15
Speaker
But literally like a hundred percent, the pain didn't stop her. Like didn't stop until like two days ago. so what are we, what day is today? Thursday, like Tuesday.
00:14:29
Speaker
I feel like we recorded, we recorded Thursday, right? Last week. Or I was off. No, I was off on, I was off Tuesday and then to Thursday. Yeah.
00:14:40
Speaker
yeah And you were like, I have a story to tell you. Right. long time Yeah. I mean, obviously the pain got like less and less over the days, but the constant, you know how you're, you can feel in your actual anus hole.
00:14:58
Speaker
like is your capital Like when you're about to have diarrhea. Yeah. That's how it was constant. A constant fear of I'm going to shit myself this entire week.
00:15:10
Speaker
Oh, you were fearful of shitting yourself. Okay, I understand. Right? Yeah. So, yesterday and today, finally, a little shit.
00:15:22
Speaker
Like, little shits. Uh-huh. Right? But I've been eating this entire week. But when when you shit, is it painful? No. Other than the hemorrhoids hurting, no.
00:15:34
Speaker
The doctors didn't say that we had hemorrhoids either? Well, he didn't go up in there. he just looked on the outside. Yeah. Because there was like hella blood too. Hella.
00:15:45
Speaker
Oh, you were shitting blood? Yeah, with all the whatever it was. Right? Oh, man. Yeah. So... That's probably why you passed out too. You fucking shitting blood. I'd pass out.
00:15:55
Speaker
Right. And I... I drank like two beers or something. So i was probably dehydrated too. Sure. um So now I got to go see a gastro whatever they're called. Right. But I don't have insurance at the moment.
00:16:12
Speaker
Why is that? um Cause when I got this job, right. You have to be in the union for three months and then, an allfa and then additional so three months.
00:16:23
Speaker
So i gotta to wait six months.
00:16:27
Speaker
Before I get insurance. Yeah, but you've already worked there for what? Two of them at least or no. Yeah, i'm I'm almost there for three. OK, so um basically. fucked up Yeah, basically the ambulance and the hospital bill is just going to be straight out of pocket.
00:16:46
Speaker
Which is why I didn't really want to go, but my dad was like, you're going to shit and blood passing out. You got to go. Yeah, looking back, like I get it. Yeah, I'm going to be stuck with like a couple thousand dollars in medical bills.
00:17:00
Speaker
Yeah, but you can push that as long as you need to. Well, yeah, yeah. And Monday I'm calling to like, like Medicaid or something to like get insurance for the time being so I can go a gastro because there's still something wrong.
00:17:13
Speaker
Oh, for sure. I wouldn't just be like, oh, it's kind I would just chalk up the constipation. Right, because I'm still not shitting correctly. Yeah, that's a problem. That's a big, that's big.
00:17:24
Speaker
Like I thought I was dying. Like that's how bad the pain was. Like yeah most pain I've ever felt. Even when I um fucked up my cartilage in my rib cage. Yeah.
00:17:36
Speaker
When did you do that? Nothing. ah Before I met you. Oh. Like fifth grade. Yeah. Fifth grade. I passed out for that one too. That's a wild fucking story. Well, I'm glad I got it.
00:17:49
Speaker
Well, we're glad you're still here. Well, quote unquote, still constipated.
00:17:55
Speaker
Well, I'm still constipated. Are you even chugging Miralax? Yeah, bro. It's not helping. That's crazy. I honestly don't think Miralax works. Nah, that's what he told me to take. So i was like, well, he's, you know, you're fucking...
00:18:10
Speaker
Dumb. and Well, yeah. All due respect, you're a fucking idiot. But I've talked to multiple people, like my mom, brother, and like this ah this lady at work. Yeah. And she said that they all so have like this thing called like diverticulitis or some shit.
00:18:25
Speaker
it's like an intestine It's like an intestinal disease type inflammatory, John. Okay. How do you get that? Are you just born with it? So come to find out, it's genetic.
00:18:39
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Um, but it just comes on like randomly and it's basically like certain foods can trigger like your intestines to become inflamed.
00:18:52
Speaker
So nothing can pass through essentially. So everything just kind of gets stuck. Oh yeah. Well, i thought you were into me to have fucking block agents to get a fucking hose in your butt and like,
00:19:06
Speaker
I wish it was that easy. I've known people who had blockages like that. And they get like, that's like my worst fear is that. Yeah. That's like my worst fear is getting like fucking enema. You can buy enema for your own home.
00:19:17
Speaker
Yeah, you can. Yeah. Shout out to Carlos. And then I was looking up like, again and we were just talking about enemas. Right. And then like Miralax wasn't working. So I got this Dulcalax like liquid shit. Yeah. That helped. I haven't, I haven't tried it yet because I want to do it on a day off.
00:19:31
Speaker
Yeah. Cause I've been like hella busy on wheat, like at work. So it says works in 30 minutes. i don't want to be like fucking diarrhea at work. You know i mean? Well, if that if you take it it works, let me know because I would probably take it too. Yeah, I mean, it's only like seven bucks. So that's good to like clear you out. yeah Yeah, right.
00:19:52
Speaker
so i Well, and pain's gone, but that's not lack of shit is still prevalent. Yeah. I mean, i'm not I'm not someone who shits Like, often, often. So, if I don't shit for a while, I'm not, like, concerned. But if you shit, like, a lot, typically, and now you're not, i don't get what I did.
00:20:14
Speaker
Oh, yeah. It was, like, probably twice a week.
00:20:19
Speaker
Yeah. But combined with the pain, like, I'm a little worried, you know? i Yeah, it's valid. So. 100%.
00:20:31
Speaker
That's what's been going on in my life for the past week. That's pretty fucking insane, dude. Yeah. I've had some gnarly stomach aches, but never passed out from... The pain never been that severe where I passed out. Yeah, and it wasn't in my stomach. I never shat blood either.
00:20:48
Speaker
Yeah, it wasn't the pain wasn't in my stomach. That's the fucking weird part. You had a fucking chest burster. had a fupa burster. had a fupa burster, yeah. it like I didn't know what was that. thought maybe my fucking testicles were about to explode. i don't know what was happening. like Oh, man.
00:21:06
Speaker
That's wild. So that's what ah sort I've been going through. about you? mean i just I mean, i just i i mean i don't i can't match that. But as we've alluded to on this podcast, I've been helping open a restaurant.
00:21:19
Speaker
yeah And it's been been long days. long i wish I had the long John Silver button.
Challenges of Restaurant Management
00:21:25
Speaker
And i I mean, I just basically, in a nutshell, just made a stupid mistake, a silly decision, which was not.
00:21:31
Speaker
You've just shown me the picture. You didn't tell me how it happened. So now I'm very intrigued. Oh, I forgot I didn't tell you. Well, you're gonna you're going to call me a fucking idiot, and that's fine, and I am a fucking idiot, but I just... For for context, I was on... It happened sadder Saturday, and I... My...
00:21:51
Speaker
I was on five or six days in a row of just like working nine to one or nine to 1230. Oh, nine in the morning to 1230 at night? Yeah. So you're exhausted. My commute's like 40 minutes. So like doing that every morning, every night. i I was just, yeah, I mean, I was pretty fucking You were like, you were not getting sleep at all.
00:22:11
Speaker
Not really, no. um Has it gotten better? like Just for context. Hours? ah It will. It's not, but it will. Okay. like in the next In the next three weeks, I think it'll get better. Yeah.
00:22:23
Speaker
All right. Because sleep's important. It'll progressively get better. We are not doctors, um but sleep is important. So we had to make vodka sauce for the restaurant.
00:22:36
Speaker
And the first batch, my sous chefs, I'm not shouting anybody out because I don know they have a podcast. I'm not telling them either. Uh, it's fine. I like that sound. It's nice sound.
00:22:49
Speaker
Uh, whenever I hear that sound, it fucking triggers me. Like I want to have a soda. Cause like when you open a can of soda, it's like, Oh yeah. love that sound. It's a beer, but it's, that's valid. So,
00:23:02
Speaker
Oh, Jake just texted me. Shout out to Jake. Fuck you, Jake. All right. Or fuck you, Jake. So we'd make vodka sauce. The first time they tried to make it, it burned because the cooks that I work with are fucking dickheads. And like if you have pot in the stove, they'll just literally let it burn. It happened to me yesterday.
00:23:21
Speaker
I was trying to make risotto and I had like the onions and the rice in the pan dry like toast the rice. And I went downstairs to get something. I got distracted. And I came back up because the rice was literally black and smoking. They just like, there was two guys standing in front the whole time. just let it fucking burn.
00:23:36
Speaker
Well, I was like, yeah ah so you guys should not work here anymore if you want to. That's fine. I was pretty fucking mad. Anyways, I would go to the same thing happened with the vodka sauce. They burned it. And I was like, all right, everybody get the fuck out my going to make this happen. We needed it for service. it was Saturday night.
00:23:50
Speaker
It's like Saturday at like three 30 ish. So the recipe is like put onions and garlic and tomatoes in a pan and, and, cook it a little bit, then add a bottle of vodka, like a whole bottle, not just like a little bit, like a whole bottle.
00:24:05
Speaker
And they're like let it cook they're like, let it cook off and then flambe it. Flambeing is like you make the flame, like they do it like- Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a baked Alaska type shit. Exactly, yes.
00:24:17
Speaker
Okay, so. were a couple You weren't using top shelf vodka, right? No, we were using vodka that we get. It's $8 per bottle. The math breaks down, too. Yeah, it makes sense.
00:24:28
Speaker
You're just cooking with it. so Yeah. So the problem with but doing a flambe is you don't want to do it in a tall, narrow pant pot because...
00:24:38
Speaker
Because then it makes like a fire tornado, essentially. All right. but Okay. Got it. So typically they do them in these things called rondos, which are very wide circular pots that don't... The walls of the pot don't go up very high.
00:24:51
Speaker
All right. So I got a bottle of vodka in there. It's like boiling. And I had a little one of those. A little lighter, John's? so Not a lighter, like for cigarettes, like a stick lighter.
00:25:03
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like ah you like you put in your grill if it's not clicking. yeah So I... So i stuck like a little bit of it in there and I just to tap it just to like, I didn't like stick my arm in the pot.
00:25:17
Speaker
I wasn't that retarded in the moment, but I did like stick like enough of my hand. You'll see in a second. And like my face was in the line of fire. And I, it happened, I ignited, it happened so fast that my, my hand shot like this. I actually threw the lighter.
00:25:32
Speaker
Like, I don't know where it just threw it. Yeah. I looked at my hand, immediately skin gone. Oh, so it's third degree. They told me it's second. I thought second was ah bubbles or blisters.
00:25:47
Speaker
The skin, this I don't know what it is. the the The urgent care said it was second. So okay who cares? It's second or third. It's and half. It's pretty fucking bad. that's Yeah, it's pretty fucking bad. as for Yeah.
00:25:58
Speaker
That's what you need to know. oh So I go downstairs because I felt pain on my like like the bridge of my nose. I got a big nose. The bridge of my nose was like under my eyes. I go downstairs, and my core my regional chef is down there. And I'm like i'm not trying to sound cool, but like I'm very calm. like i'm not like panic like I'm not panicky.
00:26:17
Speaker
But I went downstairs. I was like, chef, I think I burned my face off. And she's like, well, the good news is your face is still there. And I was like, that's good. was like, my hand, not so much. ah And she let me see it. And I showed it to her and she's like, oh, we have to take you to urgent care.
00:26:31
Speaker
And I was like, we're not going to urgent care. but like for like I got shit to do. I do not want to go to urgent care. The last moment to urgent care was for the burn of my wrist, which you remember. Yep. ah That was a fucking, that was, that one was worse than the one I have, I'm dealing with right now.
00:26:46
Speaker
But for the record, fuck the urgent care in Somerville, Massachusetts. You guys are pieces of shit. You suck. i i did i self-healed my probably third degree burn on my wrist.
00:26:57
Speaker
but Yeah. And everyone was like, go to the urgent care, get it looked at. And I was like, no, no, no. No. I was like on the way to like – it was basically done. It was basically healed, right? And then everyone pressured me into going. So I go to this urgent care for the – this is where we're doing a flashback like five years ago.
00:27:14
Speaker
Four years ago. I go to the urgent care. I burn my wrist pretty bad on some hot butter. Fuck you. Whoever left a full pan of butter in the oven like that on a sheet tray. Fuck you. Fuck you more than the urgent care.
00:27:25
Speaker
Fuck you. um Burn my wrist real bad. Real bad. ah So I go to the urgent care. I sit in the waiting room for four fucking hours. And I have it wrapped, right? I finally get... They bring you back, and then you just sit there and wait for a while. um Oh, yeah. the like They bring you back, but then you just sit there and wait even more. like You're on way back now. Fucking stupid, dude. Hey, it's your turn wait back here.
00:27:48
Speaker
I mean, the doctor walks in. I don't even have the bandage off of my wrist. He goes, looks good. I was like, I just sat in your fucking waiting room four hours. You want to look at it maybe? He's like, no, it looks good.
00:27:59
Speaker
Set me off. You're all set. And then you leave urgent care like, you know, and it was an extortment amount of money. Just yeah urgent care is probably the worst. i Like I'm going to go to the hospital.
00:28:11
Speaker
Like, yeah. I mean, talk about a fucking scam. Yeah. So the only thing an urgent care is good for is like when the pandemic hit for like COVID tests. That was it.
00:28:22
Speaker
Sure. ah So fast fast forward back to when I burned my hand and in my face the other day. ah She's like, no, you're we're going. And I was like, She said, you don't want to go because it's like busy service? I was like, I want to go because I want to sit in the fucking waiting room for four hours. you write luckily So luckily there was, there's an urgent care that was two miles away.
00:28:44
Speaker
So we pull in this parking lot. It's empty. I go, who's going to be at urgent care at 4 p.m. on a Saturday, right? Oh, probably fucking everybody and their mother. also Also, now the running joke is I lit myself on fire. That's like the running joke and I'm fine with it.
00:28:58
Speaker
Hey, you're a man on fire. Yeah. out to Chris D'Alia, but not really. You're kind of a douche. ah Have a mighty phone. Also, so we're in the car.
00:29:10
Speaker
I'm in my regional my regional's car, and she's on the phone with ah the owner because it's just like, hey, this is going on just FYI. And she literally was like, Nick decided to light himself on fire, which is fucking hilarious.
00:29:21
Speaker
What was I going to That's funny. Yeah, is. Funny is funny. The problem is the reason why it's okay to make these jokes because I wasn't like hysterical. It's just like I burned my hand pretty bad. But I don't know about you. I would take a burn over a cut every day of the week.
00:29:36
Speaker
I haven't like like deep cuts freak me the fuck out a burn I can live with. I've never been like that badly burnt before. Yeah. So I'm not too sure.
00:29:49
Speaker
Apples and oranges. Well coming from me 14 years in i would rather take a fucking burn every day the week cuts freak me the fuck out. I have a cut story after this not about me. Cuts are scary because if it's like something super sharp, sometimes you don't even know it happens.
00:30:03
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Okay. so So we go into this or we go this urgent care, ah and I'm like... The lady's like, what's going on? I show her my hand. She's like... What the fuck do you think? She's like, all right, someone will be with you.
00:30:20
Speaker
They have the fucking... audac might like I'll be honest, like... I'm pretty good with the pain, but my hand like was shaking. because i like i just not i call You're in shock.
00:30:30
Speaker
I couldn't control it. Also, a got like it got like a decent portion of my wrist, but you can't see it. It just looks like sunburn now. It doesn't look like anything. but My hand was like kind of trembling. and They have the odd data fill the application out on your phone.
00:30:44
Speaker
Motherfucker, my hand is barely functioning right now. and I got to sit here. and Yeah, I burned my right hand. I'm right-handed. you're right-handed. ah So I go in the back.
00:30:55
Speaker
Finally, they they see me actually pretty quickly. I'll be honest. Also, I was my boss. Like, did you bring your wallet? I go, no. She was, you didn't bring your wallet. I go, sorry. It wasn't my first notion to grab my wallet. My hand was melting off.
00:31:07
Speaker
That's sorry. I mean, fuck, that's valid. Also, my work pants have like only two pockets, no pockets in the back. So I only keep my phone on me and a pocket knife because I don't need my wallet at work.
00:31:18
Speaker
Right. Just keep the backpack. Yeah, i't I didn't grab it. Sorry. My hand was melting. This lady comes back to look at it. And then she's like, oh, we'll be back to dress it. And I was like, okay. And then they dressed it.
00:31:31
Speaker
And then I went back to work and it was fine. But while I was sitting there, they're like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah. Like, how's the pain? I'm like, it hurts, but I'm good.
00:31:43
Speaker
Like, i've i've I've had burns before. This is not the worst burn I've had in my life. Oh, are you sure? I'm like, yep. I'm like, are you going go home? I'm like, no. Going back to work. Yeah, we're busy. I have to be at work.
00:31:56
Speaker
So
00:31:59
Speaker
ah they're like, are you to come it's also workman's comps. I'm not paying any of this. That's nice. That's a W. That's the one benefit. It is on the house. yeah So they're like, you have to follow up with us. And I was like, okay. And they were just like, I know it's their job to be like, hey, like we want to make sure you're okay. And I'm like, I just kept saying like, guys, I'm fine.
00:32:19
Speaker
I just need to be wrapped and then Also, like, why did I go to an urgent care to get shit could have got on Walgreens? See, that's the thing. They can't really do much about burns. Unless it's third degree, like, they they can't do anything.
00:32:32
Speaker
They're just going to do exactly, like, get some burn cream and some gauze and you're good to go. That's what they did. And I was like, this is fucking stupid. I could have this at work. Yeah. You probably have burn cream at work. Right.
00:32:43
Speaker
So they'll get to follow up with those on Monday. And I was like, eat dicks and die. But okay, I will. So i come I come back and shout out to that nurse. But we were fucking peace. You're wearing a Colorado jacket. If you're listening, you know who you are.
00:32:57
Speaker
You fucking get it, mommy. All right. Across state, babe. Yeah. Yeah. You want check out my fucking sack? It's crazy.
00:33:08
Speaker
Tuck me in. She was like, cause also the thing, I feel like a hand mom. like I'm like this. And they're just like holding my hand. And they're just like, cause just like, like doing this. Why are they positioning it in weird ways? Like, just look at the burn.
00:33:20
Speaker
Like, can you bend it? I was like, what do you think? I can fucking bend it. It's fine. Fuck. It hurts, but I can bend it. I can bend it. So they got to come back Monday. So I go back Monday.
00:33:31
Speaker
Well, they were probably about nerve damage. I was worried about nerve damage. Yeah. But I go back Monday, I got a different dude who was ex-military and thank God I got this guy instead because he was like, you good?
00:33:45
Speaker
And I was like, yeah. He's like, all right, man, just you know wrap it up like this. Let us know if it gets infected. I'll see you later. And I was like, That's my right there. Thank for being mindful of my time. He probably saw people like fucking napalmed. He's like, this ain't nothing.
00:33:58
Speaker
I was like, well, I told him to. I was like, dude, i was like, I tried to explain to the people I saw on Saturday. was like, I've had worse burns than this. And I showed picture of the one that I had on my wrist. He was like, oh, I was like, oh,
00:34:10
Speaker
And I was like, yeah. i was like, this is really not that bad. This is like, ah i'm just here like as a formality. Right. for For the job, you know. Yeah. and he's like, so when do you want to come back? I'm like, I have to come back again.
00:34:23
Speaker
who was like, yeah. And I was like, I guess I'll come back. like And I was like, I'm booked the rest of week. I was like, Monday? so you want to come back in a week? I was like, sure. He's like, sounds good.
00:34:34
Speaker
Yeah. and was like, any chance you can get rid of these restrictions at work? And he was like, I would love to help you out, but I can't. And I was like, I just, between you and I, I'm not going to obey these restrictions.
00:34:48
Speaker
I'm just not going to do anything. I'm not listening to this. Right. I'm not in that kind of situation here. Like Saturday after I burned my hand, i went back to work and was butchering veal. God damn. Sorry. I just, well, to be fair, I was only doing, cause i was teaching another guy how to do it.
00:35:03
Speaker
So once he got the hang of it, I wasn't doing it anymore. so So this week, um it's funny the way this happens because like I think my body was in shock and like didn't realize it was burned. And like as the week has progressed, it's realizing, oh, we got burned.
00:35:18
Speaker
i My knuckle looked completely fine. And then I had a blister. i've never so like I've had a lot of blisters in my life. I've never seen a blister this big. Like right – On this knuckle, I got a fucking crazy blister.
00:35:33
Speaker
Like it was like to the point where I couldn't put a glove on because I was like, this is uncomfortable. Wow. Like it was so big. And then I was at work and I kept bumping my hand on it. I'm like, that's the one.
00:35:44
Speaker
It's going to pop. It's going pop. And it fucking hurt. My blisters fucking edging me the whole the whole day. not yeah Not popping. And then it finally popped. And I was like, okay, I should probably like get that covered. It popped before the Monday followed. popped like Sunday night, I think.
00:35:59
Speaker
um And i don't know if you can tell in the shitty ass camera, but my nose is peeling like the tip of my nose. Like right here is all. get singed Yeah. My nose got singed. My beard.
00:36:11
Speaker
I should have taken in a video. My beard on one half of my face was like the way it normally goes. And the other half was like, half of it so you had to do the whole shave off so shout no shout to owen i got a haircut on monday and i was like just make this look nice he's like i got you we just cut it's it's growing back now but he just kind of faded it to look nice it looks even on both sides sha so owen so that's like no uh it's not covered anymore my hand yeah it's still covered it's it's fucking can see that
00:36:46
Speaker
Typically, it's like wrapw wrapped. I just have this thing. It's called zero foam. It's like gauze. And my sister, out to you. said she was going to listen to our episode on Cat in the Hat, by the way. oh W. she's like She's like, I just watched that movie. i was like, oh, we just did an episode on And she's like, maybe I'll listen. was like, i don't think you should.
00:37:01
Speaker
I shouldn't, but listeners are listeners. you're listening, sis, shout out to you. um Yeah, it's just like typically I have it wrapped in like gauze and shit, but but I'm home today, not like actively working. So I'm just letting it air out.
00:37:13
Speaker
It looks like second skin, the stuff we would use for bowling. Like if you tear your finger. Yeah, ah it is like firmly on there now, and I'm just not going to take it off because like that knuckle part is the blistered I had. And then like my middle finger got the worst and my my ring finger got like a very little bit.
00:37:31
Speaker
And you can't really see like on the camera, but there's like a run of like redness, like up each finger of like burn, like from here up. But I was thinking about it. My index finger was saved because my hand was like in the trigger from the, like, yeah. yeah So lighter actually kind of saved my fingy.
00:37:50
Speaker
At least this one. That's an important fingy right there. All right. Now, are you going to ask me the question or not? Yes. I beat my meat with my fucked up hand. Oh, have you? hundred A ah hundred percent. I did it. I had my hand wrapped in gauze. I still fucking beat it. With gauze?
00:38:07
Speaker
Gauze and like wrap. Yeah, no, I know, but like... Completely fucking beat. I beat the shit out of my mouth. You could have like beat your dick raw with gauze on there. Well, gauze is like soft.
00:38:19
Speaker
soft Are we thinking the same thing? I mean, if you buy good gauze, I'd probably buy shit gauze. Yeah. So the first one's a hot, but we're just going to give you all. They gave me everything. They gave full bottle of saline.
00:38:32
Speaker
that's fire. Yeah. So I was like, some salt water, but. That's all it is. but so i just have, I just have all this like medical stuff. suppli' some say equipment Supplies just to like fucking put on my hand. And then I was just like, i just, I fucking, I try it.
00:38:47
Speaker
I was like, I'll try my left hand. And I was like, this is not working. I mean, you got cleanup on your hand already. know what mean? You come out. I don't come my hand. Well, no, you come into like a towel or something. Yeah. I come in like, yeah, yeah.
00:39:01
Speaker
Tissue. My cousin does not want to hear this and I'm sorry, but then again, it is funny. That's what it is. It's what it is. So my hand's are little fucked up, but again, it's not as bad as my wrist.
00:39:12
Speaker
My wrist was like by far the worst one. So, Back to what I was going to say. If you're if you don't like hearing these stories, this is you should probably not listen to this episode. I got one more thing to say. it's not It made me go – I can watch movies, but like the real-life pictures freak me the fuck out.
00:39:27
Speaker
Right. My boss told me that she stuck her hand in a food processor, and she showed me a picture. I didn't notice. She has nails. I didn't notice her finger. like Most of her – The nail up is like gone on one of her fingers. I had never noticed.
00:39:47
Speaker
And she showed me the picture of the – some brave soul took a picture of her finger after she after it happened. I can see it in my head it freaks me out. I don't like it.
00:39:58
Speaker
how are you How do you put your hand in a food processor? I didn't ask the question because I saw the picture was like, oh, I don't want to watch that. i need to go.
00:40:09
Speaker
It makes – like my hands are shaking right now because I saw – I know the picture. Yeah. I mean, just like carnage, just like fucking straight carnage. Yeah. I, yeah, we can watch all that stuff in movies, but when it comes to real life, I'm like, oh yeah. like ah yeah So that's, um, that's my hand.
00:40:32
Speaker
I'm happy you're okay though. You know, like also the funny part was like your left hand's fine. like, yeah, perfectly good. No issues. Fine. don't fucking use his hand for shit. Yeah, like I knew you were going to go. ah I knew you'd go back to work like you're just a fucking trooper like that. And you had to.
00:40:48
Speaker
ah You know what my worst my biggest fear was for you? What? I was like, oh shit. He's like a couple weeks into this. They're going to oh, this guy's fucking trash. Well, the funny thing is the reason why that story came on her finger is because she did she did that like about two weeks into her when she started.
00:41:06
Speaker
Oh, so she gets it all right. So we have a ah voicemail from
Podcast Editing Insights
00:41:12
Speaker
my cousin. it ah The backstory to this is that I was on the phone with her. i was running some content. Gerald and I created. How doing?
00:41:20
Speaker
ah By her. If we should keep it in or cut it. And unfortunately, it all had to get cut. Yeah, it's just what it is. There was roughly seven minutes of conversation just gone.
00:41:36
Speaker
Yeah, no bueno. So thank you for that. That is my, ah I guess I used her as like a compass for should we keep it? Should we not? Because sometimes you and I will listen to the same thing over and over again and then be like, yeah, it's fine.
00:41:48
Speaker
It's fine. We can keep it. Here's the voicemail.
00:41:53
Speaker
Hello, my favorite podcasters. This is the slut cousin, Christina. Suck my dick. Got a lot to say today. Well, maybe not a lot, but a little bit.
00:42:06
Speaker
Nick, I love you more than life itself, but think I'm going to need some warning for every episode, not just a few, because Boy, you are scarring me with all of the details about you and your shaft and block.
00:42:31
Speaker
The hair on it. not liking Heavy bite. you guys have me fucking rolling movies.
00:42:40
Speaker
i am coming in for a request hum suggesting two movies one is Clash of the Titans with OG, 1981.
00:42:52
Speaker
And the second one, Sorry Nick, Not Sorry, The NeverEnding Story. a need for you guys to get on those two, like, immediately, like yesterday.
00:43:04
Speaker
And, um yeah, I'll be waiting. Keep doing your thing, guys. I'm loving it. Bye. We're McDonald's. Yeah, she loving it.
00:43:16
Speaker
Bada-ba-ba-ba, headass, right? Exactly. what i was I didn't finish my sentence before because I got distracted. the ah I was showing her some of the content we had created, and then we were just talking about movies, and she brought up the never-ending story, which I don't know how you feel about that movie, but I watched it way too young, and I don't want to watch it again because of that scene with the horse.
00:43:41
Speaker
And it's just stuck in the mud and it like fucking dies. Yeah. So I'll be honest. It's been probably like 25 years. No. Yeah. Me too. But I remember and I'm like traumatized.
00:43:54
Speaker
That's what i'm saying. I don't remember anything really. So I told her, I was like, technically, if you call, we're going to do it. It's Jim Henson, right? Don't that.
00:44:05
Speaker
um don't know who Jim Henson. he's the the hermit, Kermit the frog guy? Yeah, the andvaor inventor of the Muppets, you know Yeah, that a guy, his head ass, his Muppet head ass.
00:44:15
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know. Possibly. Or he did Dark Crystal. I'm pretty sure. it's this is um I think it's a foreign film, if I'm not wrong. Neverending Story is a foreign film?
00:44:26
Speaker
It's by Wolfgang Peterson, and underneath it has... daa ownwiler I can't read it. I was going to try, but I can't read it.
00:44:35
Speaker
This movie. Yeah, yeah, the one with the fucking dragon. And the horse that gets stuck. The horse. Oh, he did Labyrinth? And he did Dark Crystal. Yeah, Labyrinth is not a good movie.
00:44:46
Speaker
Labyrinth is kind of a skip. And he did... Right. He did Muppets and Sesame Street. And I always see the 4K... I think it's Shout Steelbook for Labyrinth and Bull Moose never buy it because fuck that movie, Loki. I have the... Criterion?
00:45:02
Speaker
Criterion.
00:45:06
Speaker
That's cool. Is it like Activia? Yeah. Oh, I was doing that that ghost song, Kiserion, by just a Criterion instead. Criterion. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. File the movies.
00:45:17
Speaker
Exactly. go check out Go check out our... We gotta start plugging that in the plug. Go check out a little side project over there. Yeah, you want it? Yeah. You want it If you've been listening to this podcast for the past few weeks, months, at this point, and been like, we're the physical media pickup. We fucking moved it all over.
00:45:34
Speaker
It's a whole new show. It's still on this two guys, one screen. ah page uh but you'll see it yeah and we got one coming out not this friday next friday next friday put that in your fucking cock and stroke it right i think it's the 20th i believe yeah put that in your cock and screw sound yourself to us If you're into that. If you're into that kind of thing. Yeah, exactly.
00:46:00
Speaker
you don't what sounding is, it's the sexual pleasure of sticking things in your dick hole. Yeah, it is. And then write in afterwards or call in and let us know how it went.
00:46:12
Speaker
And don't send us a video. No, no videos, but you can still text me man to man. That's fine. We're still waiting for it. Still waiting for that. We have two emails. All right. So one...
00:46:25
Speaker
Or can we dox his name? He put it in here. No, I don't think. Well, his signature does say that. All right. So I'll just put his first name. You know mean? No, you Dox him and then I'll just call him after this and ask him.
00:46:38
Speaker
now i'll do call oh Should we call him right now? He just talked to me. I know he's doing nothing. He's taking a shit. Right. Well, he was taking a shit. Yeah, let's call and ask.
00:46:51
Speaker
Hey, babe. Hey, babe. You're on the Two Guys One on Screen podcast. at least You're on the Two Guys One Screen podcast. Hi, Dan. Hi, Dan. Hey, we're about to read your email, and you did you did put your full name in the signature with your letters or whatever.
00:47:06
Speaker
Are we allowed to read all that, or do you want us to bleep it? ah Just read your first name. Don't read my full name out. Don't dox me like that.
00:47:17
Speaker
ah First name only. All right, goodbye. Okay, goodbye. right, you go ahead right. That was Jake. e So from the loyal fan and guest appearance, ah Jake.
00:47:36
Speaker
Self-proclaimed biggest fan. it's That's Cap. But he says, i would be thrilled to not only listen to your discussions about Field of Dreams, but also join you on the podcast.
00:47:50
Speaker
Now I don't know. Come on the podcast. I think he's demand. Are we allowing people to demand a guest spot? Um, I I'll be honest. I'll take any kind of interaction from the email side that we can get. So if you want to write in and demand a guest appearance, that's fine.
00:48:09
Speaker
we're We're happy to just have you write in anything. All right. This would be my fourth recorded and third published episode. An attempt to reclaim my position as a number one fan.
00:48:21
Speaker
The disrespect shown to my name is unjustified. Not only do I share my world with you, all through My world? but My world, huh?
00:48:35
Speaker
All through my introduction of a camera. What the fuck does that mean? I think he's trying to take shots saying that he uses a camera and Tyler doesn't. Oh. But I also promised to get a microphone so that your cousin Christina, he said my, but he's a little slow.
00:48:52
Speaker
won't continue to call me amphibious puppet did did she say that no my cousin called me and told me that jake sounds like kermit and he's calling kermit an amphibious puppet and he thought that was hilarious and i was like it's a skip buddy got it and i told him it wasn't gonna hit and he didn't listen I hope this message finds you well and in a positive mood.
00:49:16
Speaker
I'm certain that the information presented in the last episode from Ron was inappropriate. Although i have also requested a movie that I won't name. i understand the disrespect he showed to your good names by asking.
00:49:30
Speaker
I hope I know you both very well in person and am a true super fan from Jake. And he put his letters because he has a degree. Yeah.
00:49:41
Speaker
Gay? ga Jake. G-A-Y. yeah F-A-G. i
00:49:51
Speaker
I've never seen Field of Dreams. I don't know if I want to do it. how are you What is your temperature on that movie? I've never even heard of it. Okay, great. I'm pretty sure it's about baseball. I don't know about you, but baseball is one of those sports I can't get into because it's boring. Yeah.
00:50:07
Speaker
I actually kind of 100% agree with you on that one. ah Field of Dreams.
00:50:22
Speaker
Yeah, it's a Kevin Costner baseball movie. This has the makings of boring. <unk> Right. This has the makings of a snoozer. Like, out of all the baseball movies, you put field, not Angels in the Outfield, not Major League.
00:50:38
Speaker
What? Can I offer one positive looking at the cast list? Shoot. James Earl Jones. Oh, hey. Darth Vader himself. Unless he pulls out his fucking saber and starts cutting dude's head off.
00:50:51
Speaker
Yeah. and Also, yes.
00:50:56
Speaker
ah So maybe we'll do it. you know He did write his email, so it's not like... So it's going on the list to do eventually. The list to do... Right. I mean, there's other movies we want to do ahead of it, like that movie where Daniel Radcliffe says the N-word.
00:51:11
Speaker
Right. We want to really do that one, because we both are very interested in watching. It'll be a first-time watch for both of us. Kind of like Ballerina. um Except so rob I've seen...
00:51:32
Speaker
ra I stroke it to that. Yeah. um
00:51:40
Speaker
We have a another email from Ron Rockstone. Ron Rockstone decided send us an email. I guess he heard our retort on episode 51 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast or 52. I'm going to pull it up to read along with you. yeah Okay.
00:52:00
Speaker
I believe it was episode 51, our Final Destination Bloodline review. He, I guess, listened to and then is answering. So I guess he is a fan because he did listen to hear what we were saying.
00:52:12
Speaker
That's true. He's got a big ego, one of the two. Sure. Sure. ah He wrote, Dear Gerald and Nick. It did capitalize the L, I guess, because he fucked up and called you Gerard.
00:52:23
Speaker
Thank you. He said, What's up, players? Ron Rockstone here emailing you two from a VPN. I heard episode 51 a while ago and was debating whether or not I should follow up.
00:52:34
Speaker
Then i was thinking about the accident as it is, and air quotes, wonder what went wrong Wednesday, meaning he sent this email to us on a Wednesday.
00:52:45
Speaker
And I got a wee bit drunk, so here we are. Allow me to explain my current state of being in the hopes of illuminating some decisions of my previous self. Oh, your previous self? I'm like a totally different person now. He's kind of well-spoken, which kind of pisses me off.
00:53:01
Speaker
I want to apologize my behavior on the phone call. I'm usually not one for phone calls, but this is not the first time my unbridled rage has led me through... has led me through places I wouldn't traverse with a firearm.
00:53:13
Speaker
The newest of those locations being Google Voicemail. ah Ron, a firearm. Is that why you're in witness protection? Continue. Right.
00:53:28
Speaker
Got that. Not good. um I don't think that Ron sounded angry on the phone. Did you? No, he sounded... ah he He did sound drunk.
00:53:39
Speaker
I give him that. A little bit because he opened it with rotisserie chicken, which is fire, but... Love a roto. Yeah, exactly. We're with you on that, Ron. We can like like we can make amends on the rotisserie chicken for sure. absolutely Goes on to say, I was angry and acted rashly. I unfairly took it out on you guys, specifically Gerald.
00:53:59
Speaker
apologies to gerald i know your name is gerald i knew your name was gerald in the phone call but i wanted to hurt you i wanted you to feel the disrespect that i felt in that moment when you were drunk homurabi would be proud for that behavior but my lord and savior jesus christ would not who we don't believe in right ah talking to the wrong guys about christ buddy we should specify jesus we believed existed on this earth correct anything else besides that i don't Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. He was basically like fucking Gandhi or some shit, you know?
00:54:30
Speaker
Right. But Gandhi touched kids. Right. now Listen to history hyenas. They'll tell you. I understand that you guys run a tight ship and that there was no reason for me to expect priority when I was not deserving. My temper tantrum was wholly unjustified. For that, I am sorry.
00:54:46
Speaker
We appreciate that, Ron. And I would call it a temper tantrum. It was. Yeah. But it's OK. You know? He goes on to say, I understand that Nick may cast doubts on the legitimacy of my fandom because of how we cross paths.
00:54:58
Speaker
That's valid. I don't think he's wrong to do so. This is not a serious email. It is beef over a movie podcast. We will all die one day and no one will remember this. You're 100% right, Ron. Right. it Man, spin right now. He spin.
00:55:11
Speaker
No one remembers it now. like Right. Exactly. Yeah. I'm not here to prove my loyalty as I don't think it will help my case. Frankly, I have no defense for it.
00:55:23
Speaker
I do have a penchant for elaborate and engaged trolling. I believe knowing the real me would not lead you to change but don't need you to change opinion. Sometimes it's hard to know where exactly the troll ends and my sincerity begins.
00:55:37
Speaker
So you are a troll. ah The only thing i will say is that whatever the relationship is, a listen is a listen, an email is an email, and a phone call is a phone call. And for that, we say thank you, Ron. That's so fucking valid. I 100% agree with that. An email is an email, a voicemail is a voicemail. If you guys comment hello, at least we get something.
00:55:55
Speaker
Right. If you send us an email telling us like how much you hate us, that's cool. We'll read it. We'll read it. I'll fucking stroke it to it. Right. Be like, oh my God, he fucking hates when I talk. Yeah. Oh yeah. Fucking hates it.
00:56:09
Speaker
Fucking put my hand in. Maybe I'm bleeding. I'm not bleeding. All right. He goes on to say, all this lovey-dovey backtracking comes in the wake of me reading both of your Letterboxd reviews on the Devil Wears Prada.
00:56:20
Speaker
I honestly don't know which one makes me angrier. I want to bury the hatchet before the upcoming review, just in case the bridge between us is is completely burned. I have criticism of the Letterboxd reviews written already, in and then he puts in a quote, not quotes, parentheses, which I am more than willing to voice.
00:56:38
Speaker
Because whether or not you think I care about your show, you will not question my allite my allegiance to the Devil Wears Prada. Still, I will withhold them until after June 17th when I can hear your full, unfiltered opinions.
00:56:50
Speaker
I hope this is not the end of what we have, but I must be prepared. Whatever transpires in the meantime, know that on June 17th, I will be at work, headphones on, listening to the newly released episode 56 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast. Warm regards, Ron.
00:57:05
Speaker
Thanks, Ron. That was a great email, Ron. And while it may have been partially a troll and you acknowledge that, I respect it. Right. However, you're not going to respect us after you hear our review on the Devil Wears Prada.
00:57:17
Speaker
Absolutely not. Also, I don't know about you, but yeah if he's reading our Letterboxd reviews, Ron, you fucking follow me. That's a obnoxious. Also, if you don't like my review on the Devil Wears product, all I wrote was, oh, I didn't write anything else.
00:57:31
Speaker
So yeah, that's fine. had a year. so You went in. yeah Yeah, you went in. Yeah. So I mean. That was the episode we had to cut about seven minutes after we were talking about things that had nothing to do with fashion.
00:57:43
Speaker
Let's not even make any comments about, yeah, exactly. Let's just leave it at that. So if you're a fan out there and you're wondering, what should I do? Write an email. Call in. Something.
00:57:53
Speaker
We'll take it. Like Ron said, an email's an email. a call's a call. A listen's a listen. Hey, a listen is a listen. I mean, juicy numbers for us. Exactly. You know, and did putting, like, you know,
00:58:07
Speaker
beef like with a fan like in the in a fake name in the title like get us views potentially yeah well yeah i would say yes it did it's about that clickbait baby but it wasn't even clickbait it's fact it was true because we were beefing yeah we probably right now there's like a like a ah ceasefire but once that episode comes out he's not gonna be happy run i would prepare yourself because you're not gonna be happy just like i i don't know about you but i've been in a ceasefire with like bitches Oh, yeah, me too.
00:58:38
Speaker
Yeah. I think we should we should fuck each other at some point, right? thats That's where we're going. We're going to end fucking each other. It's getting down bad. you know We're going to just end up, yeah, just rinsing each other out.
00:58:49
Speaker
Yeah. With cum. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to use it as mouthwash. That's all I'm saying. If you you're into that kind of thing, you know, that's fine.
00:59:01
Speaker
I'll cum in your mouth. I'll jerk off standing up. Hey, we're full circle. Back to jerking off standing up. Woo-hoo. Did it. um We're getting to a review of Ballerina.
Movie Review: Ballerina
00:59:11
Speaker
This will have spoilers. If you haven't seen the movie, go see it. ah The movie was directed by one Len Wiseman. ah Not so wise, Mr. Wiseman. Shout out Len. shout out led Shout out Big Len. Shout out Big Len Roethlisberger.
00:59:24
Speaker
Lil Len, you can go fuck yourself. Big Len, sup dog. Yeah, Lil Len, you're listening to little boy, bro.
00:59:33
Speaker
I don't think he listens. I hope not. He probably doesn't. But hey, like Ron said, a listen is a listen. That's true. ah He directed Underworld, which is kind of a rut row. He directed Live Free or Die Hard, which is, i don't know, Die Hard 9. How many of them are there?
00:59:51
Speaker
directed ah a Total Recall remake. Well, you don't like Underworld?
00:59:58
Speaker
I haven't seen it in a long time. Probably don't like it. I'll have to watch it again.
01:00:07
Speaker
Kate Beckinsdale's a piece. out Kate Beckinsdale. You are piece. You're right. Let's give her the button. Honorary.
01:00:15
Speaker
Here is your cast. Anna D'Armis is Eve Macaro. I don't think this is even a question. She's getting rinsed out. I'm going to shove that fucking Glock right up in there. You what I'm saying?
01:00:29
Speaker
Yeah, I mean... ah Angelica Hudson is the director. I think this is a skip. Yeah, it's a big... Something wrong with her face, bro. He fucking it. Her head also is kind of cone-shaped.
01:00:41
Speaker
Yeah. You say cone-shaped? Cone. Yeah. Oh, not the other word. No. Nope. was like, what the fuck does that even mean? rat No. No. That's terrible. That's fucking awful.
01:00:54
Speaker
Keanu Reeves. Maybe you heard of him. Yeah. He plays jean Wick. He can get it. yeah Yeah, he's a piece. He just gets hotter with age.
01:01:04
Speaker
gets like hotter with age He's and I'm like... I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah. Also, yeah he's 60 still doing stunts. I don't get it. How you doing this? Like Tom Cruise.
01:01:14
Speaker
Right. But you think they're drinking, they're drinking the fucking that fluid who Tom Cruise does like stupid dangerous shit. Right. Right. I mean, I've never seen Mission Impossible, but is it a lot of hand to hand combat like this?
01:01:29
Speaker
ah No, it's a lot less hand-to-hand combat. It's a lot more just like crazy stunts. Like that airplane one you've probably seen from time to time. There's a motorcycle jump in the new... not Well, it's not out yet, but in part one. So as as crazy as that shit is, right?
01:01:42
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Keanu's like in it, in it. You know what I mean? Like he barely has a stunt double and he's doing all this shit at 60. I mean, Tom Cruise does all his own stunts He have a stunt double.
01:01:55
Speaker
I'm saying like Keanu, like his his knees should be shot or something. With a gun? No. ah We have Norman Reedus who plays Daniel Pine. This guy is definitely a not fucking it.
01:02:09
Speaker
He was in Blade, though. But he also, Norman Reedus, known was Boondock Saints! Yeah, dude. He's in that movie 8mm that we both want to watch with Nicholas Cage. He ain't fucking it. I don't think so.
01:02:22
Speaker
ah But Norman Reedus known for no one for being Daryl in The Walking Dead.
01:02:28
Speaker
Oh yeah, he does look familiar. ah We got Lance Reddick, RIP. He plays Sharon. This is a... What the fuck do milk chocolate bar want to eat? know what mean?
01:02:40
Speaker
Yeah, what's up? I'm going to give him the button. An honorary RIP. Absolutely. Do you think they fit they had to film his shit like crazy long ago, right? Right.
01:02:52
Speaker
RIP, ball head. Yeah. yeah Let me fucking spit on your head. want to fucking just... Mid to clink.
01:03:04
Speaker
but um We have Catalina Sandino Moreno, who plays Lena. I think... I don't know.
01:03:15
Speaker
In the movie, I'm like, no. Even on her picture in Letterboxd, I'm like, eh. I'll be honest, in the movie, she looks like David Dasmalachian as a woman.
01:03:25
Speaker
David Dasmalachian is the guy from that movie you hate, Late Night with Devil, like the main dude. No. Put a wig on that guy? Yeah. he did yeah She looks better in the movie than on her Letterboxd picture.
01:03:39
Speaker
I think the opposite.
01:03:42
Speaker
We ain't fucking
01:03:45
Speaker
He ain't fucking it.
01:03:48
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. We got Ian McShane who plays Winston reprising his role in the the John Wick universe. Not fucking this guy either. He ain't fucking it. We got Gabriel Byrne who plays the Chancellor. This dude looks so familiar to me. I don't know where I know him from. See, it pissed me off because he and... Oh my goodness. He's the dad in Hereditary.
01:04:09
Speaker
That makes so much sense. Shout out to Tyler. Fuck that movie though. But... Fuck Hereditary? It's overrated. I'm pretty sure I said that.
01:04:22
Speaker
Did you? pretty sure. But for some reason, maybe I was tired because I went after work or whatever, but I kept getting him and Winston confused because they look so similar.
01:04:35
Speaker
I guess they look kind of similar. You're right. In the shadows, you know. That's where jerk off in the shadows. Right.
01:04:45
Speaker
Am I retarded or do you not have it rated on here?
01:04:49
Speaker
Hereditary? I have to. We reviewed it. I know, but I don't see it. Hold on. Let me look it up.
01:04:58
Speaker
No, you don't have it rated. Oh, I really don't. You really don't have it rated, bro. and i'm but That's crazy. Now I got to go back and listen to our thing and put in my rating.
01:05:11
Speaker
Whatever I gave it. That episode's like two hours plus. I'll just skip to the end. All right. ah Listen to listen. We got Sharon Duncan Brewster who plays Noogie or Noogie.
01:05:25
Speaker
You ever get a Noogie in your life? No, I can't say I have. I thought that was just in like the the like the kid bullying movies. didn't think people I've got noogies in my life. Yeah, I've got wet. I've got wet willies.
01:05:36
Speaker
Yeah, I've gotten i've gotten like straight tongue and ear. Yeah, ew. And not in the sex way? No. No. You ever get a wedgie? Those suck. He ain't fucking I've never got a wedgie in my life now.
01:05:49
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. ah We have Robert Masser who plays Dex. This is a Heidenreich-looking motherfucker, to be honest. Honestly, bro. This guy definitely had some plastic surgery. because that That jawline is not real.
01:06:02
Speaker
But he definitely looks German, and he is German. He looks it, though. He does. He looks like he's like ninth. But i would take I would take his fucking German rod, though.
01:06:13
Speaker
Yeah, most likely.
01:06:19
Speaker
We have David Castaneda, who plays Javier. ah This guy is no John Wick, I'll tell you that much.
01:06:29
Speaker
No. no ah We have... Should we shout out Abraham Papula, who plays Frank? Yeah. it's a mess Let me be Frank.
01:06:41
Speaker
Yeah. Fucking stupid. I'm not fucking that guy. yeah He's kind of a piece. in it No, he's kind of tubby, and he kind looks like... He's in a lot of shit, though. He is in a lot of He's in Cruella, which I kind of want to rewatch. He's in Morbius.
01:06:56
Speaker
He's in the Marvels. i haven't seen that movie yet. Me either. But it can't be good. he's in He's in six movies. Eight movies. Sorry. He's in a movie called Pig Village.
01:07:08
Speaker
Where my fat bitch is you know what saying? Yo, where y'all Hit me
01:07:14
Speaker
And then, is there anybody else that we want to shout out?
Action Scenes and Critiques
01:07:17
Speaker
I think no. we
01:07:21
Speaker
So, at the very bottom, it says Related Films, Ballerina 2. Ballerina 2. Yeah. that the confirmed or... I don't know if Ballerina 2 is confirmed, but also the cast is only Ana de Armas, the director, and Keanu, so...
01:07:35
Speaker
Obviously, if you were going a fake ballerina to listing on Letterboxd, you'd put those three people because the easiest low hanging fruit to guess. But John Wick five is confirmed. So who knows?
01:07:48
Speaker
John Wick five is confirmed. You're right. I I'm going to be in the minority and say I don't love this movie. I don't know if i I'm going to give it a negative rating per se, but I definitely.
01:07:59
Speaker
At more points than not, didn't like it, but I will give you ah my positives. Here are my positives. The scene... When she gets to the... When Ananda Armis' character, Eve, gets to the...
01:08:18
Speaker
winter village-y town in the mountains. And then, like, from there until almost the end, all that action is fantastic. It's great. I loved all of it. the The flamethrower fucking fight sequence was sick.
01:08:32
Speaker
That's probably my favorite scene in the entire movie. Everything with the flamethrower. Yeah, all that was great. I thought the kills, like, running through the town doing those kills were all very good.
01:08:45
Speaker
And...
01:08:48
Speaker
Outside of that, there was not much else that I liked, to be completely honest. So let's take it back to the beginning. but I'll walk you through every fucking problem i have with this goddamn movie. Okay.
01:09:03
Speaker
The beginning of movie, so basically the movie starts off with Anna de Armas Eve as a child and her father. Father. Father. You said that in some Harry Potter episode and I was like, no, I just can't. I can't not.
01:09:17
Speaker
I just can't not say. Oh, it was when Harry and Goblet of Fire when he's fucking with the, he's like trapped and they're making that soup to summon Voldemort. Oh, yeah. And it was like something of the bone of the father. Bone of the father.
01:09:32
Speaker
Now I say father like that. I can't help it. It's either that or Joker. My father. My father. Yeah. um My son. So. so We love cellulite here. We're a cellulite pro podcast.
01:09:45
Speaker
ah send us Send us pictures of your fucking cellulite and I'll Venmo you $5. I'll fucking splooge to it. We're not actually sending you money. Fuck that. You send us money.
01:10:00
Speaker
ah her so Firstly, all that entire scene in that house they're in looks terrible. It's a CGI... Yeah.
01:10:11
Speaker
real Real bad. Real bad. Fucking. When they came out, like, after all that shit happens and they're running out, him and her, before he dies. Oh, real bad. Oh, my God. The CGI was fucking atrocious.
01:10:24
Speaker
Like, the background. His death scene, horrible. He just literally just, he he's, first of all, before he gets shot, he's running down a corridor and there's that glass and you see flashlights and you hear gunshots and he's just running.
01:10:39
Speaker
he's like He's like pointing the gun forward, not where the gunshots are coming from, and then just gets shot in the ribs. Yeah. And then they're walking like outside to a dock where there's no boats.
01:10:49
Speaker
There's nothing there to get out. So what what was your plan of escape? well like Why can't we just change the CGI green screen behind it? Yeah. ah And then he just claps over and dies and that's just it for him.
01:11:02
Speaker
ah Fine.
01:11:06
Speaker
Then we follow Eve to the Ruska Roma to be like an assassin, ballerina, whatever it is. The side plot with the friend.
01:11:17
Speaker
Dumb. It's really bad. Get rid of it. Nobody fucking cares about this. All the dialogue up to this point and a little bit more is very, very cringe. Very, very bad.
01:11:28
Speaker
There was a scene when she like when what the fuck is his name? I already forgot. Ian McShane's character. When Winston brings her as a child to meet the director.
01:11:40
Speaker
Did you catch this at the beginning? Her mouth does not move with the words. No, it did not catch that. Oh, does not move. It's not even... it's like they added an after the fact. Okay.
01:11:51
Speaker
And the child, by the way, I don't feel right shitting on child actors, right? Because it's like they're literally kids. Like, who am I to say anything? But like maybe give him some better lines because she's answering the director in like an adult voice with adult words.
01:12:07
Speaker
That's not really. and She's like probably like eight. You want to say? Yeah. Yeah. If i was eight, my dad just died. I would not be looking. watched my father die. I would not be acting like that. Then we get to her training.
01:12:21
Speaker
Right. Where she's like learning to be a assassin or whatever. fight like a woman it's all just extremely cringe and it borderline feels like tokenism of like look we have a woman being like a badass or whatever yeah and like that other like her coach or whatever like the one like noogie it's like the one it's like the one that's like embrace your strength and be a woman and like they just like she gets beat like four times and all of a sudden she just like like is like
01:12:56
Speaker
that bitch or something. I don't know. i just feel like that moment was like, look, we we have a woman. where She's doing it like you could just you could have just told this story without like being like. Look at this like like we're obviously she's a fucking badass. We watched the whole movie and watch her murder people.
01:13:11
Speaker
And it's like it it was very. Cringe, like what, like you said, when she was like, oh, you just got to start fighting like a woman and then she just kicks the balls or a girl, whatever.
01:13:22
Speaker
She kicks guy in the balls and wins. It's just, I mean, like, I just like, hey, we get it. She's going to be like an ultimate assassin. We get what you're doing. It's just, you know it just felt forced. You don't, to you they got to stop making it, ah the plot like revolved around that she is a woman. You know what mean? Like just make her a badass and just.
01:13:43
Speaker
That's enough. That's enough. Right? I don't care that, you know, I don't like her more because she's a woman or she was a guy, you know, like. She can just be a badass woman that beats people up. That's fine with me. I'm indifferent to like that plot, po you know?
01:13:58
Speaker
Then we follow her on like a mission like she's a superhero. That literally makes no sense. Her first mission out in the field. It makes no sense. None of it makes any sense.
01:14:13
Speaker
She needs to be protected. She like needs to be put in protection because someone who is not her father, I guess, is going to try to take her. So she's yeah out at a club. This whole thing is filmed horribly.
01:14:24
Speaker
Like there's, there's, they obviously tried to do this a couple of different ways and then just had these weird random cuts and like closeups of like the, the dude's face who was like the, yeah, like the final boss or whatever.
01:14:40
Speaker
And the, The little dialogue that's here is so... so she's like She has like fucking Oracle in her ear or whatever. She's talking and whoever she's talking think she's talking to... Is it Noogie?
01:14:51
Speaker
Noogie. Talking to Noogie. And she's like, yeah, I'm going in. And then like she walks downstairs and there's just these three dudes just standing in the middle of the club just facing her. And she's like... They're like, move. And she's like, no. Or whatever the fuck.
01:15:04
Speaker
That's even better than what actually was said. And they have like this fight sequence, which is not terrible. I didn't hate the fight sequence, but like... Not until later the film. I have to say this too.
01:15:15
Speaker
i am ah like I have a very, very deep love for the John Wick movies, all four of them. like They're all four and a half or five stars for me. ah And what really gets me with those is like, There's a grittiness and like a realness to the fighting that's going on.
01:15:30
Speaker
And these, this whole first act just felt so super washed. It felt like Disney made it. If that makes any sense. It does. Through the, through the, this like bar, like this nightclub fight sequence, it just felt super, super washed, super Disney produced like bullshit. There was no, there was no real grittiness to any of these fights at all. And do you think they did that because she is a woman? Like she's in a club. There's a bunch of lights. Like it's colorful. Yeah.
01:15:57
Speaker
No, because all the John Wick movies are some kind of scene in a nightclub. Yeah. When that when they when the nightclub scene hit, I was like, yep, every John Wick movie has a nightclub fight scene. Every single one has one. So i't I didn't – don't think it's because she's a woman. But the sanitized fighting, I don't know. Maybe they did take it easier. I don't want – that's a wild claim to say, but like – the fights The fights got better as the film progressed. This fight was like by far one of the worst ones.
01:16:23
Speaker
And I did read that she trained her ass off. like She did a good amount of her own stunts. So you know props to her for that, at least. Even if she didn't, it just like it just looked like the whole thing just looked fucking sanitized. It just didn't look... It had nothing to it. look John Wick.
01:16:40
Speaker
No, not at all. But I'm not saying John Wick. It just didn't fit the John Wick style of like fight scenes that you're accustomed to seeing in the past four movies.
01:16:50
Speaker
Past that, we get to like that weird thing with like the kid and the the dad, Daniels, what the fuck his name is. Yeah. Mike Daniels or... Nathan? Pike Daniels. No, Sean?
01:17:03
Speaker
I don't know. Pine. His last name's Pine, right? Pine. Daniel pine, maybe Daniel Nathan. Daniel pine.
01:17:13
Speaker
and Okay. That's his name. Pine tree. We have this weird thing where it's like, i have a kid and you were a kid and watched. Hello. I heard that. Ghosts.
01:17:24
Speaker
That was fucking weird. And watch like your parents die. So like I'm not going to murder your father in front of you. Also, I have no reason to murder him. Also, she's fighting all these dudes that have a mark an X mark on their wrist and not keeping one of them alive to be like, where is the hideout?
01:17:41
Speaker
Where is the main thing? Who do you work for? We're just killing all of them. Yeah, that didn't make sense. Not to be a CinemaSin kind of guy, but like also that'd be the next move, would to be that?
01:17:53
Speaker
Right. Also, I didn't like how... like yeah Did we see any of those people kill anybody while they were in the Continental?
01:18:05
Speaker
No. No, right? Because when they were, you know... But they did go in and try to I think you're just not allowed to like open fire on the on the grounds. like Even like shooting a gun is like considered like not okay. i thought it was you couldn't kill anybody.
01:18:20
Speaker
Yeah, she does say like I didn't kill anyone. Also, they didn't kill anyone either. But they got killed for it. Right. And she got let go. So there's that. you can't conduct business on the grounds.
01:18:30
Speaker
Everybody knows that. Correct. So either way, they were conducting some form of business. It is kind of a plot hole. Yeah, right? Right. We get through all that. That see that whole sequence of them like getting out of the hotel was fine. I didn't hate It wasn't like bad by any means.
01:18:50
Speaker
And then we get to the... She goes to that gun store and that's like also typical for like most of the John Wick movies is like going gun shopping. At least they broke it up with like the gunfire. They get like attacked while they're doing the gun shopping thing.
01:19:04
Speaker
That was, yeah, that was a cool. kubernetesade But the grenade, the grenades, like that scene was fun. I enjoyed that. It was good. But in the same, like, you know, plot hole way, I know they wanted to use grenades, but you're in a gun store and she didn't think to use any gun at all. No. So I was thinking that too, but I'm like, maybe the ammo is not there. None of them are loaded in the ammo is another room.
01:19:25
Speaker
But she went through and she walked past like hundreds of like crates. Something had to be loaded or something. She opened a lot of it. She opened several. I don't know. I thought about that, but it's not. Honestly, I have bigger fish to fry than that one little part.
01:19:41
Speaker
ah The scene was good. I think, in my opinion, the scene was good. what What is going on? I'm recording a podcast. um Is there people above you or no? Yeah, I'm on the second floor. There's people above me for sure.
01:19:52
Speaker
Yeah.
01:19:56
Speaker
Then we get... So then, after they get attacked, she, like, talks to that fucking... That guy, Frank, again. And he's like, I think it's somewhere over here. And then, the next cut, she's just pulling into the town. And you're like, how the fuck did she just find That's the thing.
01:20:10
Speaker
It's like, no one knows... Up to this point, no one knows. It's just speculation. They're like... That even exists. Yeah, like no one knows they exist, where the fuck they are, and then he's like... group they Also, this clan, cult, whatever, never gets a name.
01:20:25
Speaker
No. And then he's just like, they might be in this fucking mountain town right here. That's conveniently on my map right here. this will also Also, all we know up to this point is that this clan just takes kids for no reason.
01:20:39
Speaker
Right. there's a There's no reason to be taking kids. they're just They just take kids for no reason. She asked the the dad, Pine, in the elevator, and the audio was like distorted. I couldn't even hear what he said. he and And the guy has an accent, so he's like... i'm remember but That's literally what he said. He's got like a Southern Hickory accent.
01:20:58
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Like his sister's also his mom. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That kind of accent. Maybe he was the actor doing the accent, but I could not understand what he said. Then we get to the the town. Now, the mountain town fight scenes I thought were good.
01:21:12
Speaker
I didn't like those specifically were good. It's a cool. ah Oh, I'm sorry. We have to go. we Setting. We have to go back a little bit.
01:21:26
Speaker
This is this lens it this is like my next point about why I don't like this movie so much. the John Wick being in this movie... let's just Let's just stop saying, oh, like, no one's saying this but if this is going to be the defense, oh, it's, know, it's in the John Wick universe. but No, we put John Wick in the movie because it's a fucking cash grab. That's why we put John Wick in the movie. I don't want to hear any other point.
01:21:49
Speaker
None of this makes fucking sense. His appearance in the movie makes absolutely no sense. It doesn't fit the timeline. It doesn't fit anything. This movie for sure took place during 3.
01:22:02
Speaker
That's it. i yeah It had to have been during three. It could not have taken place during four and it couldn't have taken place after four because he's dead. And two, by the way, two ends. He's jogging on a street.
01:22:13
Speaker
Three begins. He's running on the same street. There's no one between two and three. There's no, like, and he's and he's currently excommunicado. So, like, no one's helping him.
01:22:24
Speaker
They literally show you the part where he goes to the Ruscaroma and he gets his fucking tag ripped. Right. And he gets fucking branded. They're like, you're not fucking welcome here anymore. Then the director is calling this motherfucker saying, go take care of this shit for me.
01:22:37
Speaker
During what time? and why is he doing but When is he doing this? When is he going? you're like like Literally all of three, you're fighting for your fucking life in the city of New York. It's all contained.
01:22:49
Speaker
it's it's like It's so cool. the John Wick 3 is so fucking good. And everybody's after you. Everybody's after you in a little city. not New york City's not little, but in a city. you we're We're supposed to believe now that he just left to go fucking help homegirl out?
01:23:06
Speaker
Right. It's like, oh, I got, I have a fucking huge bounty on my head. I'm a go help this bitch.
01:23:14
Speaker
But also when in the movie, was there a break where he would have went? You're not, you don't like leave John wick at all. Right. And the in between three and four, at the end of three, he gets pushed off a building and at four, he's like in recovery.
01:23:27
Speaker
So when did he go now? Here's my other problem. Okay. Eve is, besides the fact that she ripped the tag and he's like done with them, like they're they're split.
01:23:40
Speaker
Eve is literally doing all this because of vengeance. Like, she wants to get revenge. John Wick franchise is all based on vengeance and revenge. And you're telling me she's going to call the Baba Yaga and be like, home goes wild and go take care of this shit. And he's going to go and be like, oh, let me get let me stop you from getting your revenge, which all I've been doing the past four movies?
01:24:01
Speaker
That's fucking crazy. Why would he ever do that? and And then he's just there helping her because... That's too...
01:24:12
Speaker
Okay? No one fucking wants to see this. and Why is it like why like, why does this movie, why could this movie not have just been called Ballerina? It's about a girl whose father gets murdered for whatever reason and she takes her revenge.
01:24:24
Speaker
Why does it have to be in the John Wick franchise? Why can't it just be its own fucking movie? It's so fucking stupid to me. I mean, John Wick has no, absolutely no place in the movie.
01:24:35
Speaker
And then John Wick gets on a screen and has one little tiny 30 second fight scene. It's the best fucking part of the movie. It really is. Because it's John Wick. You're like, the grit is back. Keanu's acting is just like, this is what I'm accustomed to watching. I have no issues with women doing action movies. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying they throw Keanu in this movie because know fans want that.
01:24:59
Speaker
Bro's hip-firing a sniper. Who's hip-firing a sniper rifle and taking everybody out? But like that bitch said, if she got shot. She's like, it's fucking John Wick. And then she dies. you That was funny.
01:25:10
Speaker
So i don't have a problem with it taking place in like the universe. Like, like, cool. They can all be working for the same organization, but have it be its own side thing. Like John wick doesn't have, like you said, John wick doesn't have to be involved.
01:25:24
Speaker
Also, it makes no sense. And they go out of the way to make like, have him do a phone call and ensure that his fingers cut off. Yeah. But how the fuck is he over here? Right. When did he go? When did he go over here?
01:25:34
Speaker
The only way they kind of redeemed it was he was like, all right, you got until midnight.
Audience Reactions and John Wick Influence
01:25:40
Speaker
Make sure he's dead before midnight. Also, she's trying to fight him. You think you're going to beat John Wick?
01:25:46
Speaker
He's not even trying. oh No, not even a little bit. And she's like given full force. And he's like... hey If he came in guns blazing like, I got to kill you, I would have hated this movie even more. but Oh, yeah, because that's not...
01:26:00
Speaker
That's not how John is. Because she's she's literally doing like what you're doing. She's just getting revenge. Right. And he doesn't want to be doing this anymore. That's the whole thing. He literally said in the movie, I'm working on it, like trying to get out.
01:26:12
Speaker
Right. my My theater popped for that. There was three people my theater, so I wasn't... Oh, I had a lot of people. I went at one o'clock on a Monday. There was nobody there. Also, shout out to my server. I'm all high as fuck.
01:26:24
Speaker
Oh, yeah? Like not there. He's like, hello. He was fucking like... He like fucking like giggled before he started talking. I was like, what's so funny, dude? Just fucking take my order. It's dark in here. I can't see you.
01:26:36
Speaker
and like to Yeah. So Keanu even being in the movie is really a negative for me. I don't think we needed it. It's, it feels very cash grabby and stupid.
01:26:49
Speaker
uh again the fight scenes during this part are great her fight scenes are phenomenal the ice skate thing was great remind me of all night check so on that and then she's like she's like on the ice and she like kicks from one side of like the yeah just little area to the other yeah that was cool uh and then you're like okay she gets her revenge on this old dude she shoots him in the head it's over not even that you know what really bothered me ah what I'm getting to it.
01:27:17
Speaker
so So he's dead and you're like, okay, fine, the movie's over. I can go home. Then they pull a Scream 6 and they go, remember that kid's dad? He's not dead! He's not dead!
01:27:28
Speaker
we're just gonna throw him- Why do movies do this? At the end of the fucking movie, you have a character die, and then the last 30 seconds of the movie, they go, hey, by the way, we didn't kill him. That's so fucking stupid!
01:27:39
Speaker
I hate that shit! It's so dumb! The whole movie's premise is about fate, and you've been chosen to become a killer, and this girl is gonna become a killer. Like, it's just fate.
01:27:50
Speaker
Your dad died! He got shot and left in front of a train! He's dead! And then they go in the last 30 seconds, oh, by the way, he's still alive. Happy ever after, bye.
01:28:01
Speaker
See you. I am hot right now. It makes me so fucking angry. That's so fucking stupid. You didn't even mention that Lena, that chick that was like kind of like scoping her out, following around, ended up being her sister.
01:28:17
Speaker
Right. and I mean, that i know what I'm doing. No reason at all. It was just like, OK, and then she did and then she gets a grenade and dies from a grenade and she's in the movie for like 30 seconds and that's it. Stupid.
01:28:27
Speaker
Dumb. Very stupid. Did not like it. I texted you. I was like, I'm not I do not like this movie. When you said you were 20 minutes in, i was like, oh, you're not even that far.
01:28:40
Speaker
Yeah, I was past the first club fight scene.
01:28:46
Speaker
I was far enough. I was i had seen enough. Far enough. I was done. Dude, i'm in you know something? We were on the phone before I left for the theaters. um I'm in a good mood today. You are. Yeah, yeah. You're chilling. It's not like i'm like angry or something or whatever. you know i feel pretty good. I went to the movies and I sat down at Alamo. Shout to Alamo.
01:29:04
Speaker
Got a nice fucking bubbly Coke. Fuck you, AMC. I was chilling. Movie started. Cringy dialogue. Stupid plot. Cash grab characters, we're going to call them. Fuck all this.
01:29:16
Speaker
I'm not going to see Ballerina 2. If that's a real thing, I'm not to see it. No. Fuck no. Even if John's not in it? I'll go Huh? Even if John's not in it? Do you really think John's not going to be in it?
01:29:28
Speaker
Do you really think John's not going to be in it? They're making John Wick 5. This is the thing. Why are we... Are they to resurrect him? Why are we... Why are we Star Wars-ing John Wick? Why are we adding movies in between movies, during movies? We don't fucking need to do this. It just fucked up the timeline. You guys had a great thing going.
01:29:46
Speaker
Why are we doing this? I'm... This is... This movie for me is like Friday the 13th 5 for you. It just doesn't exist. It just does not exist to me. I...
01:29:58
Speaker
Bad. Very. in the work Okay, the rating in the world of John Wick, like, just for John Wick movies is like a half star. But, like, I'm going to grade it on a scale of, like, as a movie that I've ever seen in my life.
01:30:11
Speaker
But in the John Wick franchise, this is a fucking blemish. A blunt. John Wick, this does not need to be a movie related to John Wick at all. He could have just made this movie about homegirl. And that's it. And it would have been a great movie.
01:30:22
Speaker
And you came in a dollar, know that's corny. That's what I'm saying. Like, it can take, I don't, like, you have beef with it even taking place in the same universe. Yeah, I do. Yeah.
01:30:34
Speaker
Yeah. I don't, yeah I don't have shameful. It's shameful. It's fucking shameful. Because you put the John Wick tag on it to get fans in the fucking seats. It does say from the book of John Wick.
01:30:46
Speaker
But putting the two words John Wick together brings people's eyeballs to it. I don't have beef with it being in the same universe like you do, right? That's cool, whatever. If you want to expand the whole assassin lore, it didn't do any of that.
01:31:02
Speaker
But if you want to do that, fine. and Maybe it would have been better as like a TV show.
01:31:10
Speaker
If they wanted to focus on her, would have been it would show better as a TV show because then I wouldn't have watched it and I wouldn't be sitting here yelling about it right now. But I agree that John Wick being in it had no value besides I want to see John Wick in action.
01:31:27
Speaker
That's it. That's it. That's all it had.
01:31:30
Speaker
But when it comes to...
01:31:34
Speaker
If you look at me right now and you tell me it was fun, I'm going to end the call. I'll hang up. I fucking end this podcast right now. We will not have any more recordings.
01:31:47
Speaker
I was not going to say that. All right, good. I was going to say... no because that's good this is good that because you're going to say you're gonna think I'm saying the exact same thing that you just thought I was going to say.
01:32:01
Speaker
No, go ahead. Go ahead. Plot aside... Right? Plot aside... Yeah. The action was good.
01:32:13
Speaker
That's what why I was saying. The whole Wintertown... All of that I liked. Right. It was all good. Personally... Like when I was watching all the John Wicks... Yeah. I was paying attention to the story for sure.
01:32:28
Speaker
But the main draw... For these movies. Are the cinematography. the The action and all that. Right? Valid yes. you agree with that?
01:32:40
Speaker
Yeah I agree with that 100%. I said it about the raid. The raid just watch it. It's amazing fight scenes. Right. But that's another problem that I have.
01:32:51
Speaker
With the John Wick series. Not the John Wick series itself. It's all these movies coming out. After John Wick. That are trying to be John Wick.
01:33:02
Speaker
Okay. I mean, are you going to, who, what other movies besides this one are you talking about? Okay. Novocaine, things like that, right? They're all cashing in on the high action movie genre again.
01:33:18
Speaker
I guess I don't, it's hard for me to say that movies are want to be John wick action is just a genre. If you want to have cool fight scenes, have cool fight scenes to me. I don't feel like it's a, I don't feel like it's a,
01:33:31
Speaker
I don't know if anything is a direct like, hey, this is John Wick. We're going make a movie about John Wick. I'm not saying they're knocking it off. I'm saying they're doing the stylized fighting because of the success of John Wick.
01:33:48
Speaker
If you want to say, if you want to say like Gun Fu or whatever has an uptick, I guess I'll give you that. But like when they released John Wick 1, they for sure upped the standard of like what a fight scene should look like.
01:33:59
Speaker
Also, there has been good fight scenes before there have been good movies with good fight choreography before John Wick and after John Wick. So like, I don't know if it's like John Wick was the start of it all, but I don't know. I feel like it's just people making action movies that some are, some are just like, Oh, it's just an action movie. You can just go see and not really think about like Nova came to me is it's like that is like the example of that.
01:34:25
Speaker
Yeah. This is just a movie like a action movie. You can go watch and not really think about eat popcorn and I don't know.
01:34:34
Speaker
It's not up. It's not, the it's not in the upper echelon because it doesn't have the John wick. It's not as good as John wick and John wick has your, we're saying you're right now. We're talking about plot aside, but the John wick plot, every like one, two, three, and four all expand the lore of the John wick universe. Very well.
01:34:50
Speaker
They do. or Or these movies are just standalones. Like if they made a Nova King too, I wouldn't fucking care. There is there is a difference. You're right. There's a hundred percent of difference in that sense. Yeah.
01:35:02
Speaker
I'm giving this movie... I'm probably giving this movie, now that I just yelled about it, I'm probably going to give it like two stars. Maybe even a star and a half. i thought The movie makes fucking angry. It's stupid. and Dumb. Should not be made.
01:35:13
Speaker
Make the movie without the John Wick name on it. I'm probably in on it. I'll probably say, oh, the action sequence was pretty good. The... court the Line delivery was kind of corny and kind of cringe most of the time, but then it was all right.
01:35:26
Speaker
But everything involving John Wick is stupid. Doesn't need to be in the movie. I don't get why she was fangirling over John Wick in the beginning of the Was not earned at all to me. She didn't, she was.
01:35:40
Speaker
She's like, you're John Wick. Right. She's like, oh, you're the one they call the Baba Yaga. He's like, yeah. and then that People go, yeah, look, like he did the thing. He said, yeah. He did the thing. Sorry.
01:35:53
Speaker
not It's not for me. So that's where I'm at on it. A two? also Yeah, I'm at a two. One and a half or two? I have to think about it. Right now it's two.
01:36:04
Speaker
I don't think it's one and a half. One and a half is like Screamboat. The movie is shot... the movie is shot better it's better produced like all those things are like done better than scream scream it's a fucking like little cheap movie yeah this is like movie was shot pretty well and only had like one really ugly cgi scene so if they put out say they put out like a crazy crazy like john wick set and ballerina's in it you're out i already have one
01:36:36
Speaker
i have a i have I have a crazy John Wick set as it is. It's the book from three that he beats up fucking Boban, the and NBA player with. Yeah. And you open it, and there's actual pages in the book, and then it opens up into a three-steelbook set, one, two, and three.
01:36:49
Speaker
Now, I do not have the John Wick four-steelbook. That would be nice to own. The exact set we're talking about is it's just one, two, and three? Yeah, it came out after three. just yeah Four is a standalone.
01:37:01
Speaker
Four, I have a Blu-ray copy of. I'd like to get the Steelbook, but i you literally can't find that anywhere. If I found that, i'd fucking die, I think. Fucking come. The Black and Red John.
01:37:11
Speaker
That one's clean. Oh, the one that's... What the fuck's his name has? He has both of them. Yeah. You little scummer. Shout out to you, mid-level media. Fucking scummy. I to know you. He just spends crazy amounts of money.
01:37:23
Speaker
That's what it is. yeah guys so Bro, they're sending him shit. Some of that stuff, yes, but... Some of the stuff I feel like he goes out of his way. i don't think Arrow sent him every single release they got. Not every single one, no.
01:37:37
Speaker
he's he's i mean, as long as i've personally been following that guy, he's had every single fucking Arrow release like posted on his page. And he does like every every month he buys every single umbrella. Like, bro, what are you doing? Why do you need all that?
01:37:53
Speaker
Some people, but he does post on his Instagram stories now watching. And typically he is watching the shit that he just bought. It's true. I can't say anything because I do not. At least he's watching it.
01:38:06
Speaker
It's true. wanted it and he got it. Check out our other podcast. Yeah, you want it. Yeah, you want it. um So I'm at a three. i what you What were you at before I started going off?
01:38:20
Speaker
Because I guarantee you're higher. No. You were at three? Promise. Pinky Promise. I was always at a three. Okay. Because I agree with you. It's not, like you said, John Wick, like one, two, three, and four, they're easily five and a half.
01:38:35
Speaker
Five and a half. no Have you ever watched a movie that like exceeds a five? Sure. There are movies that I've watched and been like, if I give this more than a five, I would. Yeah, 100%.
01:38:48
Speaker
you You didn't even want to give it a five like on the recording, so. And I didn't. Happy you get what? I kept it a four and a half. Why? you just said you wanted to give it more than a five now.
01:39:00
Speaker
um No, I was saying like you. No, five five. No, Cat in the Hat's a five. vi There are movies that I would give more than a five to, yeah. Of course, 100%. Of course.
01:39:12
Speaker
who's that Why are we banging things? Stop it.
01:39:16
Speaker
this is ah This is probably, I mean, so Jake said, why would you why do you think the movie was going good? And I was like, the trailers actually look pretty decent. And I knew they like hinted at Keanu, but I did not expect level of involvement that he had in the movie.
01:39:29
Speaker
So, its okay, there's another thing, right? If they just had that one scene where like you saw him get excommunicado and then boom, and then he wasn't in it, it still wouldn't have saved it.
01:39:39
Speaker
It'd be better, yeah. It'd be better for sure. But I'd still be on here saying, why is this a John Wick movie? Why does this need the John Wick tag? You could just do a different movie called Ballerina about a female assassin and get rid of the girl power thing. like We get it. You're a badass woman that's beating up dudes. like I am tired of the girl power stuff. but we We can literally watch you do that. You don't need to be like, yeah.
01:40:06
Speaker
like we We know. it we can just Just make it a movie and she just so happens to be a woman. Like her gender shouldn't have anything to do with the plot.
01:40:17
Speaker
It's just like, look, she's a woman. Like, okay, we know. We can see. yeah can see. My dick gets hard. We know she's a woman. Next they're going to do, look She's black. Isn't that great? yeah She's gay. She's gay. Disney does that. Everybody's gay.
01:40:33
Speaker
It's fine. it's and like I'm not saying I don't want though like movies with women being the role ah lead role in an action film. I'm completely fine with that. That's cool. but The whole like we have to out of the way to point it out is like it's fucking dumb.
01:40:47
Speaker
with Yeah. yep The movie's called Ballerina.
01:40:52
Speaker
It's not about a dude. Also, this is the second movie that we've reviewed that has had Swan Lake involved. the That's true. It's a banger. I don't like Black Swan that much, but it's all right.
01:41:05
Speaker
I'd give that more than five stars. No, I wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. It was not more than a five star. It's a five star, though.
01:41:13
Speaker
You have to live with that. It's all right. ah I think that's our review. We're doing an hour and ten on this fucking wild. you want to do a... This episode's going to be an hour and like 50 minutes.
01:41:29
Speaker
God damn, for no reason? Yeah, yeah for no reason. lot of shit to get to.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
01:41:35
Speaker
So, follow us on Instagram, 2Guys1ScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to 2Guys1ScreenPod at gmail.com.
01:41:43
Speaker
Follow us on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok for when the clips come back. Follow us on Letterboxd and send us a voicemail. 508-8-5-0-8-8-8-8-8-8-6-minute limit.
01:41:57
Speaker
And that will give you priority to have your movie reviewed. All of that will be in the description. Do all that next week. Well, actually, Friday, there's a boner alert episode for it is Friday the 13th. So you know what that means.
01:42:21
Speaker
We're putting out. putting out yeah yeah Keep that in. Yep. ah Friday the 13th part 2. That movie is a little wild and a little bit of a snoozer.
01:42:33
Speaker
It is a little middy titty. But I promise you the next Friday of the 13th we get into one of my favorites part 3. three
01:42:43
Speaker
And then Tuesday next week you're fucking ready. Are you ready Ron? Are you ready? What about you? ah our review on the fan requested, Ron Rockstone requested Devil Wears Prada. That movie episode has been recorded, edited, and like ready to go to be launched next week.
01:43:03
Speaker
And I'll be honest. Movie sucks. on the ravin On the review side of things, it's kind of a snoozer.
01:43:12
Speaker
Well, honestly, the only funny part we had, the funny part we had, I cut. So it's just what it is. It's little bit of a snoozer, but that's just... Tune in for all the hate of Ron.
01:43:25
Speaker
We're not hating on you, We're hating movie. Yeah. And we'll see you guys next week. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark.