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EP. 96 The Marine (2006)
21 Plays2 months ago
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
00:00:34
Speaker
want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk?
00:00:40
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
00:00:54
Speaker
Hello
Podcast Relaunch and Recent Events
00:00:55
Speaker
and welcome to episode 96 of the Two Guys One Screen Podcast, aka the Hemorrhage Homies, aka the Poetown Boys, aka the Diarrhea Daddies, and sometimes the Hindi Homos.
00:01:06
Speaker
It really depends on the vibes. Yes. um We have not recorded in like two weeks. if feel was like i feel I feel like we haven't recorded in like a year, honestly. It's just been it's been a fucking hell of a ride. And we're back to review some fucking schlop. I mean...
00:01:23
Speaker
We're here to do schlop. Okay, so we're doing The Marine from 2006, I think, right? i I thought it earlier. oh But Benoit was definitely alive.
00:01:34
Speaker
Benoit was alive, for sure. They should have had don't him do this movie. Oh, dude, The Marine 2 with fucking Chris Benoit. So six yeah in honor, ah if you're not wrestling fans, ah even if you're not wrestling fans. I'm not, but like i was at one point my life. You right. And it it was hard to avoid. John Cena had his final match.
00:01:55
Speaker
um it It was a good match, I will say. Good match. People didn't like the outcome, but... It's fine because his whole moniker was never give up.
00:02:05
Speaker
And he tapped out and gave up. And it was the first time he's ever tapped out in like 20 years. Right. Yeah. pised I thought it was I thought it was fun. It was really fun. I didn't watch it.
00:02:17
Speaker
ah But in honor of him, we were like, hey, he's a movie star. Now
John Cena's Career and Movie Debate
00:02:21
Speaker
let's review John Cena movie. It's an absolute fucking shit movie. And out of all the John Cena movies, you know, we chose his first ever one.
00:02:30
Speaker
Yeah, the Marine. And i he's been doing the rounds, right? All the interviews and all the interviews. Chris Van Fleet. Yeah. Hey, there you go. Yeah, he's on. He's clipped. He's always clipped up on my on my tick tock. Yeah. um He was like reminiscing on his career and reminisced on this movie. And he was like, I didn't want to be there.
00:02:51
Speaker
He's like, all I wanted to do. and Yeah. He's like, all I wanted to do is wrestle. He was like, I just thought like, oh, we'll make this movie and more movie and a movie will get more eyes on the wrestling.
00:03:02
Speaker
ah Wow. He was like, he's like, I didn't want to be there because they just had me sit in my trailer for like six hours they're like, all right, come film the scene for like two hours. And then they're like, all right, come run in the woods a little bit.
00:03:14
Speaker
Yeah. And then run somewhere in the woods a little bit. Yeah. Wait, John, look at me. Okay, cool. Thanks. All right, great. Yeah, thanks, John. yeah John, did Taker show you to a choke slam? Can you do that?
00:03:27
Speaker
Can you just do... so can you i did I will say, I think he did his own stunts, which would make sense. Right. John, we need to choke some this guy through a pallet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah Can you give this guy an F you?
00:03:39
Speaker
Yes, trip. F you. ah Fuck this movie. Was there an F you in them in the movie? Did not see it? No, there wasn't. There was not, right? Unfortunate. There was no AA? Yeah.
00:03:50
Speaker
A? Yeah. So, I mean, let me see if I can pull this up so we can see exactly what Mr. Benoit was doing. Alive. But yeah this is also post Eddie Guerrero's death. So Benoit was like on the down climb. Big sad. Fuck.
00:04:05
Speaker
Yeah, that was his best friend. This is a straight up um wwe WWE films release. Yeah, I think this might have been their first. It might have been because God damn, it's horrible.
00:04:16
Speaker
I mean, yeah, I mean, came out go ahead. I've seen the chaperone with Triple H and it's literally him chaperoning like ah like a school ah field trip and things go wrong.
00:04:27
Speaker
That movie is real bad, but it might be better than this. This movie came out October 13, 2006. That is three days into Chris Benoit's third reign as United States champion. That's a big W. Okay, cool. great Yeah.
00:04:47
Speaker
Benoit got the United States championship on the 10th of 2006. And then it says he lost it on the... Fuck, it's always it's so fucking weird the way they do this dumb shit.
00:04:59
Speaker
ah He lost it on the 2nd of May 2007. I wonder if that was the shot that broke the camel's back. well I do know that the the match that Benoit was supposed to have um was on ECW.
00:05:14
Speaker
I'm pretty sure it was against CM Punk. Shout out to CM Punk. Shout to CM Punk. We're a wrestling podcast. Yeah. youll fit You got a favorite John Cena match? Do I? no So problem the problem with me and John Cena, not John Cena, the problem with me in my life is that Raw growing up was at nine o'clock on Mondays. And my parents were very strict about my quote unquote bedtime.
00:05:37
Speaker
So, and John, at least as long as I watched wrestling was a Raw guy. Sure. Raw was just kind of always out of the out of the picture for me to be able to watch it because, They were just like, no, you're not allowed. You gotta go to bed. But Friday nights were SmackDown, so Friday nights I could stab as late as I fucking wanted.
00:05:54
Speaker
Right, so that's why you were like a big Taker guy. That's why I was a big Taker guy, a big Batista guy, a big Finley guy. Shout out Shout out Finley. What was the WrestleMania that Taker fought Batista?
00:06:10
Speaker
want to say that's... Is that 06? Yeah. WrestleMania 23. Let me see if I can pull up WrestleMania 23 card. Let's just see what it was. I just want to see what else what else what has happened.
00:06:29
Speaker
Because maybe Cena wrestled and then I... Oh, we had to. Chris Benoit beat MVP for the United... Oh, he was already the champion. Never mind. Defended it. That was the Bobby Lashley Umaga. I remember that one. And then John Cena beat Charles Michaels for a WWE championship. I don't remember that match even a little bit. Okay. so never Never mind. i can't I can't share a favorite John Cena match. I'm kind of a fake fan in that sense. But I did have a t-shirt that when I got it, we went to like some local house show that he was at when I was like really young.
00:06:59
Speaker
And we got a shirt that was like down to my knees when we first bought it. And then as I grew older, it just like went to from my knees to not fitting anymore. okay We just got rid of it. It was just John Cena doing the You Can't See Me, and it was like the size of my body.
00:07:12
Speaker
That's fair. yeah I had one John Cena shirt. It was purple. I think it was like 2011, probably. yeah um But I'd say my favorite John Cena match is um my first one. ahll I'll give you two. The first one's probably pretty obvious for wrestling fans. Probably John Cena, CM Punk for the WWE Championship.
00:07:32
Speaker
Money in the Bank 2011. Punk won first. um great match and then probably probably the I quit match him and JBL judgment day 2005 that I definitely watched in the network at some point yeah dude like ah john ah JBL like powerbomb John like onto the hood of his like or on the windshield of his limo and he was like bleeding it was crazy a limo yeah oh both Johns John is john JBL John is kind of like an all-time heel in my opinion
00:08:04
Speaker
oh yeah He's great. He's so fucking hateable. and then But apparently he was a scumbag. He would bully people in the back. Like for real. like John's like a real life scumbag. JBL is. Not John Cena.
00:08:16
Speaker
John Cena's great. We love you, John. Hey, John, come on the pod. John, come on the pod and talk with this fucking scumbag movie or come on the pod and talk about our the Suicide Squad. Maybe we can do that one. Yeah, can do blockers. Lockers is great. We should have done that. What are we thinking? I don't know. text you? Like, should do the Marine? But I don't know what movie I thought of because it wasn't this. This is not the movie I was thinking of. I'm not sure what. I don't know what kind of shit I was on when I said we should do this one. This was the first time watch for me.
00:08:42
Speaker
i'm I'm logging this as a first time watch because I don't know what movie I was thinking of. I don't even know how you would come across the DVD back in the day. too When I was a kid, my parents like were not paying for pay-per-views. I couldn't watch any of the fucking pay-per-views back in the day.
00:08:57
Speaker
I had... You know i did have, though? I have... I probably... I don't have anymore. It was DVD. 2007 No Mercy i had on DVD. and I also had Survivor series on DVD. Was that with No Mercy? Was that when they were still doing Elimination Chambers? Like on different... or I don't remember, but that was Prime Randy Orton being a fucking demon.
00:09:20
Speaker
Oh, okay. The cover was him holding a bird. Oh, I've seen that cover. Yeah, that that one I remember like very, very clearly. But I still couldn't tell you a John Cena match in there. i I still couldn't tell you that. Because that one was Randy and and Triple H were were beefing.
00:09:36
Speaker
Oh, okay. Oh, was that when he kissed Stephanie? Not on pay-per-view, but maybe. Yeah, okay. um Yeah, I didn't get pay-per-views either. Oh, they had a last man standing. man i'm literally wrong. It was Randy versus John last man standing.
00:09:50
Speaker
Oh. It was No Mercy 2007. I don't know what i'm talking about. That was fine. um um But here he is fucking dropkicking Triple H. So what the fuck is this? Maybe it was a run-in. Oh, and No Mercy 2007 was the Punjabi prison match. Batista and the Grey Collie.
00:10:07
Speaker
Classic. Horrible. What do you read classic? It was AIDS. I mean, for my childhood, great. Oh, yeah. Oh, and Finley versus Rey Mysterio. And that one I remember a lot because that was the one that they brought Finley out on a stretcher. Then he got off the stretcher faking like he was hurt and beat the shit out of Rey Mysterio again. Shout out Finley again. He was hurt and just fucking beat the shit out of him.
00:10:28
Speaker
Yeah, we... are My parents would only buy WrestleMania. so Yeah, my parents bought one WrestleMania and that was it. Okay, now this says Randy Orton defeats Triple H's last man's team. This is w WWE's website, so i don't know what the fuck Google's on.
00:10:41
Speaker
But I also remember this match. ah That one I don't remember. ECW champion CM Punk defeats Big Daddy V. Oh, God. That could not have been a good match. The Survivor Series 2007 put money on this.
00:10:58
Speaker
is when Batista and Taker had a Hell in a Cell match and Edge interfered because he was the cameraman. ah That's that one. I guarantee. I guarantee you that's what the one I i know for a fucking fact in hell that's what it was.
00:11:13
Speaker
This is all ringing bells. Yeah. Batista defeats Undertaker and Edge is the cover with the chainsaw. I remember this. And then there was a triple threat match. This the one also remember. CM Punk versus Miz versus John Morrison. Shout out John Morrison. Shout out John Morrison. Fucking peace, no? Yeah, he is. He still is, dude. He's fucking...
00:11:34
Speaker
And you know the cool thing about him? Great colleague defeats Hornswoggle. don't remember that. Oh, God. So every brand that, like, every company that ah John Morrison goes to, he changes his name. So when he was in TNA, his name was, like, Johnny Impact.
00:11:48
Speaker
Right. He was Johnny Elite. He was in AEW. Yeah, Johnny Nitro. Yeah. He's just cool, man. But I think 2007, what was the year that there was, like, that really famous Cena returns at the Rumble? Isn't that 2007? Yeah.
00:12:05
Speaker
Or was that 2006? Oh, when he came back early. Yeah. and work heck Or some shit. Or wherever it was. Yeah. I don't know. does' It doesn't matter. don't remember. But either way, there's also the match here that's Shawn Michaels versus Randy Orton.
00:12:17
Speaker
We grew up in some peak times, man. Bro, hot take, I think Shawn Michaels low overrated. I've always thought that. That's really hot, I guess. It is. Because people are like, he's the greatest of all time as far as talent. And I'm just kind of like, no.
00:12:31
Speaker
Yeah, I'm like, ah. Like, he was good. Don't get me wrong. i don't think that's the case. Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, greatest WrestleMania match of all time. We also got low-key washed Shawn Michaels when we were growing up a little bit. That's true, yeah. passed Like, if you watch him in the 90s, he looks very different. Yeah. Yeah, was also like on drugs.
00:12:50
Speaker
both For sure. Big drugs. yeah Big, big drugs. But I had these two on. I also had a John Cena documentary, like a four-disc thing that like folded out. o Yeah, I had that thing.
00:13:01
Speaker
i still I still could tell you zero about John Cena's wrestling matches. That's how fucking dumb I am. Hey, man, you just got to practice hustle, loyalty, and respect. Yeah, yeah, big. Yeah, I've been sitting on that one for 12 minutes.
Unexpected Work Call and Personal Challenges
00:13:20
Speaker
Yeah, so anything you want to talk about before we get into this trash? Want to talk about your your week? and I just, you know, it's i just we we haven't we haven't we haven't fucking recorded in two weeks because... And we haven't really spoke, but that's not that's not anything new. No, that's not a new thing. i just I've just been going i've been going through the motions of life. Life's been fucking my ship. I want to tell you that last week, I drove my car...
00:13:48
Speaker
i woke up I woke up on, and you know maybe I don't know if we can if we have to center this or not. probably don't, but the job that I work at on a Saturday, I'm at work and I get a phone call and it's like, you haven't paid your bill in five weeks. We're not bringing you any product unless you pay your bill.
00:14:04
Speaker
If you want this shit, come pick it up in cash. Whoa. And I was like, it' it was for fish. And I was like, okay. So I called my boss.
00:14:15
Speaker
Who shall remain nameless? And was like, this is what's going on right now. And then she was like, well, funny you're calling me because I was going to call you. Fuck you and your fish problem. I need you to bring me product from your restaurant because we don't have any.
00:14:30
Speaker
And I was like, you're 40 minutes away. And you're and like you're like running shit at this point, right? like Yeah, yeah. Full service or what? You want me to just step out? yeah and she was like, yeah.
00:14:43
Speaker
And I was like, okay. So what I'm saying to you is my commute to my job is 40 minutes. Yeah. Commute from where I was to go to the fish place to drop cash and then pick up fish, my own money, which they'll they'll pay me back for. I'm not shitting them for that. But, you know, not optimal.
00:15:00
Speaker
right Sure. With the rest of the week that I had. Oh, five weeks of fish bill. Probably crazy. no, no. no They let me pay cash for what we ordered for that day. I was like, I'll straighten it out with them.
00:15:11
Speaker
But yeah, we've been calling you and I'm like, not me. Not my phone number. I would have taken care of this. I would have been taking care of this shit. you're called Who are you calling? The store? Because we're not open for lunch five days a week. You're you're calling at 12 o'clock. Nobody there. And I'm not answering the phone. harry i ain't know my yup The restaurant phone? I'm not answering that. For what?
00:15:31
Speaker
No. No point. I picked the back for a reason. I want to talk to you. That's why you're front a house. Yeah. So that was a thing. And then... So i drove I drove to the fish place to get the fish that day.
00:15:44
Speaker
Drove back 40 minutes to their restaurant to drop off product at three of their locations dropped off product. Drove back 40 minutes to my job. Worked the shift. Drove 40 minutes home.
00:15:56
Speaker
My car, which is what I'm alluding to, no problems. Nothing. Zero. Done. The next day, i wasn't going into 2 o'clock. I'm chilling. I slept till 1.30. Yeah, I'm chilling. I'm chilling.
00:16:10
Speaker
I got a bed. got a bed. got to turn my car on and it says that I have an emission systems problem and a check engine light pops on. What does this mean?
00:16:21
Speaker
I don't know. I don't study cars. I'm gay. i have no idea. Usually not good. No. Check engine light. Never had that happen in my life. My fucking life. Never. So you like you sent you sent me the picture of your check engine light. Yeah. And literally the only thing I know about check engine lights is that sometimes if you get gas and you don't put the cap on all the way,
00:16:44
Speaker
Check engine light can come on. So that was my first thought. I was like, hey, maybe this happens. And then you're like, I ain't got a gas cap. I got a nice hole. That's it. You push the jaw and there's just a hole and that's it with with a flap.
00:16:56
Speaker
See, I pushed my jaw on, but then I got a cap too. don't know. At some point, Honda's like, fuck this cap. We're just going to do nothing. So this is last Sunday.
00:17:07
Speaker
For people who don't live in the Northeast, I listened to this. It decided to be a blizzard last Sunday. Yeah, yeah. FYI. So where the fuck am I going to go on a Sunday to get my car fixed? I don't know. But I needed, i did need an oil change. Like it wasn't like I was past due, but it was like, it's, it's soon. It's time soon. Yeah. So I
Car Troubles and Repair Frustrations
00:17:25
Speaker
drive my car to, should I say the name? Yeah. Valvoline.
00:17:29
Speaker
Fuck you guys. ah I go to Valvoline because they're open on Sunday. out to being open on Sunday. And it's normally like 15 minutes. You're good. Right. So I go in there and I go, look, dude,
00:17:41
Speaker
This lights on with this problem. Can you, cause they always want to sell you on other shit besides getting oil change. Now is your chance. Right. I'm offering money. I'm offering you all the money to fix my car. Yeah. Like do it.
00:17:54
Speaker
Guy goes, I can't help you with this. I was like, all right. He's like, but give oil change. And I was like, well, I guess we're doing... So I just sat there and got an oil change. It needed to be done, right? the guy plugs The guy plugs his computer into my car's computer and gets this message. And and I'll read it to you. And i so I literally went, what does this mean? He goes, i don't know.
00:18:16
Speaker
just He goes, that's what it says. You want to show it to somebody else. That's what he told me. That's what he told me. Yeah, yo, in case you want to show it somebody else, this is what... ah Here it is.
00:18:27
Speaker
Cam shaft position sensor A circuit in parentheses bank one or single sensor close parentheses DTC severity two out of three. This fault may pose damage two.
00:18:40
Speaker
That's it. End of note. Not good. I go, what does that mean? He goes, i don't know. What's a camshaft? I don't know. Maybe it's a camera you stick in your ass. I have no idea.
00:18:52
Speaker
Right. I don't know. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, well, what the fuck am I going to now? Then it says that Pet Boys is open down the street. i got them I called Pet Boys. Fuck you extra, Pet Boys. All three of you fucking dickheads. I called them ahead of time and go, hey, can you guys look at this?
00:19:07
Speaker
And they go, yeah. I'm like, how long is the wait? They're like, there's no wait. And I was like, sick. I drive down the street. I go inside. The guy, i go to the guy. go, hey, I just called, blah, blah, blah.
00:19:18
Speaker
Do you know what the guy the desk says to me? There's no techit there's no technicians in today. Look at your car. be back tomorrow morning. What the fuck? Why are you just telling me on the phone that you could look at my car?
00:19:31
Speaker
At this point, it's 3 o'clock. I was supposed to at work an hour ago. So the camshaft is in the engine. So that's real bad if that blows up. Yeah. I'll let you know. i have my car back. I just, I'll let you know. You'll, we've, so this guy it's three o'clock now. i'm Like I gotta go to work. And I have, i mean, um again, my work is 40 minutes away. And if you think I'm going to get in a fucking Uber with a, and just let him smell the ass drive me 40 minutes to my job. And then 40 minutes back home. When we close, you got nothing coming.
00:20:01
Speaker
No, it's not happening. So I go, I got to rent the car. Again, it's Sunday in a blizzard. There is nobody open.
00:20:12
Speaker
yeah There's nobody open. The only place it's open, you want to take a guess? The airport. We go into the airport. I live seven minutes away from the airport. I cannot tell you how fucking long took we get to the airport on Sunday.
00:20:23
Speaker
This Eastern European guy picks me up. No English. Literally, i didn't I couldn't get engaged on what his his ethnicity was. So I tried to speak in Spanish. He's just like, huh? and I was like, hu well, never mind.
00:20:36
Speaker
So he is, doesn't follow the Uber directions, pulls into the car rental return lot. And he's like here. And I was like, no, this is not And he's like, what do I do? What do I do? He's getting mad at me. I'm like, follow the fuck action what fuck fucking the fuck you're getting mad me for? What do I do? What do I do? I don't fucking know, man. Figure it out.
00:20:59
Speaker
So he stops. He stops and pulls over. He asks this dude in the, in the, in the garage. He goes, where do where do I go? I'm like, I stuck my head out the driver's window.
00:21:11
Speaker
I go, buddy, I go, buddy, I need to rent a car. Oh, you want to rent one? Yeah. I go, where do i go? He goes, right over there. I got a car. The drivers look at me so confused. it like, what's going on right now? I go, thank you. Give him thumbs up. I just walked off. Just like, yeah, he's paid, right? Like Uber, right? Yeah. oh yeah he's Yeah. Drive away.
00:21:33
Speaker
Got my face. I go, I get a car. I go to work, it's literally a fucking blizzard, but now I have a rental car, right? What'd they give you? What you got? I got a Nissan Versa, I don't know what year, but it was, I will say this, after I gave the rental car back and got back into my car, I had like a moment of, oh fuck, my car really dirty.
00:21:55
Speaker
um Like, I didn't think my car was that bad, but then driving in that car for three days, I get back in my car and it is dirty. I mean, it's straight dirty. ah So Monday, I got to be at work Monday. So I get up early because Honda opens at 7.
00:22:11
Speaker
seven So I get up early. I go to Honda. I dropped the car off. And the guy taking care of my car's name is Bobby. But he's so hard. Boston accent was, yeah, I'm Bobby. He said it like that. boy And I was like, when he said it, was like, what's your name?
00:22:28
Speaker
Like, I honestly didn't understand him. Yeah. So I dropped my car off. Then you had to Uber back to your house to pick up the rental car. The rental car is where you typically park when you come here.
00:22:40
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. But shout out to Honda. They called me an Uber and paid for it for my ride back. Oh, that's nice. Shout out Honda. Shout out Bobby for ballby for doing that.
00:22:50
Speaker
So I take an Uber back in literally a fucking Honda. I go, fuck this fuck these Hondas. over it
00:22:59
Speaker
I go to work. At work on Monday, we notice the back door to the restaurant will not close and will not lock, which is which poses an issue, right? Yeah, i can only imagine. Yeah. Problem. Okay. So Monday, I'm at work.
00:23:14
Speaker
ah Monday, we were supposed to record. Yeah. Monday I'm at work until it literally closed. um I got there at 12. was supposed to leave or 1145. I was supposed to leave.
00:23:25
Speaker
I don't know, like three or something like that. No, it was no, no. I got there like 10. went to Han early. um I was there until like 9, 930, 10 o'clock, whatever. Door's still not shut. It's a problem.
00:23:39
Speaker
Tuesday morning. It's 7 a.m. m I'm getting a phone call Tuesday morning. They... My prep cook was trying to open the door and snapped the key into the door.
00:23:52
Speaker
Oh, my Lord. That door is no longer up. You can't get in, can't get out. Thankfully, my somebody else was there with a key to open the door for and didn't have to get and drive down there.
00:24:06
Speaker
Wednesday comes around. Wednesday, I'm going, okay that door is not operating that that door you can't lock or unlock. It's fucked. So this guy comes in and he gets the key out of door for me. And then he opens the door.
00:24:21
Speaker
Like he's able to like get it open. Yeah. I go, yeah. So why wouldn't it close? Right. He just puts his hands like down the frame of of of the door at the bottom of the door. There was a twig and a no fucking way and it wouldn't close the door. Right. I'm telling you, dude, I was on my hands and knees looking at the fucking frame of this door, trying to figure it out.
00:24:38
Speaker
And it's just a fucking twig in the door. And I was like, well, at least you got the key out of the fucking lock because I couldn't do that. I had no idea. Like, that's what you're here for, right? And he stopped the water leak. So shout out that guy.
00:24:49
Speaker
Shout out – was he a locksmith? he's he's ah He does everything. Oh, shout out maintenance guy. Shout out Mike. A lot of guys – if you need – if you are having a baby in Boston, just name him Mike because everyone here is fucking Mike.
00:25:02
Speaker
ah I literally – Work, just work. I have five mics. Wow. Just my job. Five mics. That's a lot. so It's too many.
00:25:13
Speaker
So Wednesday night, I'm closing the restaurant and I go, there's no key. This lady's going to have no key to open this door because she broke the key that we leave for them.
00:25:25
Speaker
I'm going to leave the door unlocked tonight so she can get in. I texted her that night. I go, hey, the door is open. Just like, don't worry about trying to like open it, whatever. I go home. I'm like, I'm chilling. like, yeah, door's unlocked. We're good.
00:25:39
Speaker
Go to sleep. 7 a.m. Another phone call. This is twice in one week. 7 a.m. Another phone call. The door is locked. I go, no, it's fucking not. Try harder. The door is locked. The door is not locked. I didn't lock it.
00:25:51
Speaker
i didn't even pull my key out. right i just I just walked out the door and let it swing behind me. I didn't lock it. The door is not. She goes, we can't get it open. So at this point, you're the only one with a key? Well, my sous chef also has a key, but I didn't.
00:26:04
Speaker
Yeah. Him and I both live 40 minutes away. So it's just what it is. He has a key. The GM has a key, the GM has kids and i don't, it doesn't. So don't both them like she we can't get in.
00:26:16
Speaker
I get in my car at 7 a.m. and I'm not scheduled till 12. I drive to 40 minutes to my job to open the door for them. The door was locked.
00:26:26
Speaker
i was like, I was so fucking mad. I go, how the fuck was this door locked? I don't understand. Where, why? When, who locked it? I didn't lock it. I was the last one out. Who fucking locked it? That's weird. There's orders just piled up outside the back door. Just left outside.
00:26:42
Speaker
One of the invoices, the driver wrote, door was locked. Couldn't get in. Thanks, Steven. Fuck you, Steven. I mean, to be fair, what could they do? They had, they probably have other routes like other places to be. Not leave product outside a restaurant that people walk by.
00:26:56
Speaker
Anyone could just look at me like, oh, fucking sick, free chicken. Yeah, it's true. know what mean? Like not done that. So now I got to bring all the product from outside, inside, downstairs into a basement where our walk-in and stuff is.
00:27:10
Speaker
7 a.m. It's 7.30 at this point. Not having it. Not happy. Yeah. I drive back home. I go to Home Depot, make three fucking copies of this key. Yeah. Four. it was it was I guess you buy three, you get a fourth one free. So I got four copies this Get out Home Depot. Get out of Home Depot. Big.
00:27:27
Speaker
I make copies. to go back to work. I leave a key. We have a lockbox outside the back door with the code on it. you can The drivers know the code. Everybody knows the code to get in the back door. needs to know it. Friday, no problems.
00:27:39
Speaker
Saturday, Saturday, I phone call again, 7 a.m.
Door Lock Dilemmas at Work
00:27:45
Speaker
I closed Friday. I was i was at work on Friday until almost 11. It is 7 a.m. You're calling me.
00:27:51
Speaker
Like this past Saturday, two days ago? Yesterday. Okay. Yep, yesterday. 7 a.m. yeah a Sunday, yeah. Well, you're hearing this on Tuesday, but yeah. Yesterday, get a phone call.
00:28:04
Speaker
The lockbox won't open. Did you guys change the code? No, I didn't fucking change the code. No, I didn't change the code. Are you sure we can't get it open? I go, if I fucking come down there and get that fucking lockbox open, I'm going to hurt somebody. yeah third time they called This is the third I've been called in the fucking week that this is going on.
00:28:26
Speaker
She goes, hold on. The other guy, the prep coach is coming. He's going to try get it open. Thank God he gets it open. Then I'm looking at my phone. I got two missed calls from a different mic from my job at 545 in the morning.
00:28:40
Speaker
I go, I'm going to leave. Let that be. I'll just whatever. I kind of sort of fall back asleep. I get another phone call like just as I'm falling back asleep. get a mic. I'm like, i already know you're to tell me.
00:28:51
Speaker
He goes, yeah, they couldn't get the door open. I go, they're fucking idiots. They're just dumb. They're dumb. I was like, but thanks. I just hung up and that was it. Yeah. yeah I go to work at 10 a.m. I open the door.
00:29:03
Speaker
i open the lockbox. There's no issue. I was like, yeah, it was a little bit harder and fucking nudge today. You're all pussies. You're all pretty cold. Yeah, exactly. It was literally just fucking cold. That's all was.
00:29:14
Speaker
Now, back to my car. That was the week. So Monday, i'm like, are you going to get i gonna have my car back? They're like, it's not going it's not coming out of of shop today.
00:29:25
Speaker
was like, fuck. Have to extend my rental car on the other day. Tuesday, i'm like, what's the deal? Can I get my car before work? Oh, we don't know. We'll get back to you. Okay.
00:29:35
Speaker
I literally get to work on Tuesday. like Your car is ready. You guys are fucking milking me for money right now, man. I could have got my car before i went to work. So the car, the car is stuck there Tuesday now. I'm fucked.
00:29:48
Speaker
So in my brain, the math in my brain, which it probably doesn't even fucking matter. Tuesday night, I get at work. I drive right to the airport, drop the rental car off. Let's stop running the tab on this car right now.
00:29:59
Speaker
Why keep it for another day? Makes sense. yep Drop it off. Still have to Uber home from the fucking airport. But ah an Uber home and then to Honda is probably cheaper than having a rental car.
00:30:10
Speaker
Oh, my head was probably... It was $30 to get home from the airport. Oh, never mind then. I mean, I don't know how much... I tried to ask the guy who like took the collected the rental car and he didn't know. Oh. I was like, okay.
00:30:21
Speaker
So Wednesday morning, I get up, I go get the car and I'm just, I'm just sitting there like how much money is this going to be? I'm just transferring funds into my checking account. Just like, i don't know how much money is this going to be, but it's not to be cheap. So I'm just transferring, transferring, transferring funds.
00:30:38
Speaker
I get to the, I get to the guy and he's like, well, I forgot to mention the one part of the story. Sorry. Tuesday morning, send me a quote and it literally, it's literally 12,000
00:30:50
Speaker
12 different um issues they found with the car. 12. Holy shit. 12 issues. Now, three of them I already knew about. One tire needs to get changed. i was like, you're not doing that. The tire's fine. Fuck you. Okay.
00:31:04
Speaker
This is what they told me happened. rodents chewed the wire inside my car and they sent me a picture of it. Like the wires in my car are just like out, just straight open.
00:31:16
Speaker
Yeah. They just ate the wiring in my car. I had oil leaking inside of my car, which was from, i guess this camshaft thing. Hmm. So I call and I go, what exactly has to get done? Like, what do you need to do so I can drive this car? Because I'm not doing all 12 of these things. Fuck you.
00:31:32
Speaker
Yeah. He's like, well, you got to. He's like, the leaking oil is not good. And like, got to get the wires fixed. And you're like, yeah, no shit. But yeah. And like, you have a light out in your car. You get pulled over that. And I was like, how much is that car? It's like 30 bucks. It's like, fuck it.
00:31:46
Speaker
At this point. Yeah. Fuck it. Throw it on there. 30 bucks. You give a shit. That's a fucking Uber. Whatever. Yeah. So I get I get the Honda. I'm waiting in line. There's this lady in front of me She's so old and so confused about what's going on.
00:31:59
Speaker
And the guy... And it's so funny because the guys they have, like, Vali in the car, this one guy, you can tell, like, everyone in the office is fucking annoyed with him. They're just kind of like... I forgot his name. or he was like, yeah, this is this fucking guy.
00:32:10
Speaker
And, uh... He walks up and he's like, I have to go get the car? And he's like, yes, her car. He's like, well, where is it? he's like where we And the guy did this, like, we always fucking keep the cars they ready to go, Brian, or whatever the fuck his name was. Yeah. so you should some fucking a and this lady And this lady's like, well, how am I getting home?
00:32:28
Speaker
With what car? And and the guy's like, ma'am, your car is ready. And she's just, I mean, she's just literally just so confused. She walks away, leaves her bag just on the floor. I go, ma'am, you're your bag? Oh, my bag. You're right. Thank you so...
00:32:41
Speaker
very confused so i get up to the counter and i'm like yeah i'm so and so whatever i go so what what's the damage and the guy's showing me the paperwork and he's like i mean they really for how much money they took me for they really really really like like drum it up like we did this for you we did that for it like we checked your tire pressure like fuck you bro i just got an oil change yesterday get the fuck out of here we topped off your like windshield wiper fluid yeah like jerk me off bro i don't give a fuck For the work that the chewed up wire is leaking the fucking oil, $1,400 out the door. Oh, okay. Gone. Bye-bye. That is more than one paycheck for me. That is a
Car Repairs Financial Woes
00:33:22
Speaker
lot of money to just – I mean, I wasn't putting on a credit card. um That's fucking death. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. So ah I was just like $1,400 out of the savings right to this fucking car.
00:33:33
Speaker
Here you go, Honda. Car drive's good now. That's good. I mean, hey, it works. And they're calling me going, how's the car? I go, I fucking hope it works, you dickheads. What are we fucking talking about right now? I just paid $1,400 to you fucking people to fix the car.
00:33:48
Speaker
Yeah. So, oh, and then, you know, I get the rental car bill. It's 500. Holy oh shit. So we're at two days? Yeah, so we're at $2,000 in a little bit for the rental car. Just in one week. $2,000 and the repairs on my Honda. And also, I called the insurance company because a guy I work with, with somebody he goes yeah he goes, hey, if rodents eat wiring in your car, that counts towards vandalism. He's like, maybe the insurance will cover it.
00:34:16
Speaker
How the fuck does that count as vandalism? Your car got vandalized. as wasn't a non-mean. was a rat. I mean, yeah, but like you can't prove that a rat did it, right? I mean, to be fair, when I called, the lady took my word for it. But guess what? My plan doesn't cover that. Oh, god damn it. So that was great. You know? just yeah i just paid full all of it.
00:34:39
Speaker
You didn't check to see if your insurance covered rent-a-cards either, did you? No. Oh, sometimes they do that, yeah. Yeah, well, my package was not comprehensive. So it didn't. But i wasn't paying I wasn't paying big bucks for a car insurance package because literally for the past three years, no, more than that, pat since 2021, I've been taking public transit to work. This is the first job I take my car like every day to work. Yeah, you get exactly what you need and that's it.
00:35:06
Speaker
And I told the guy at the desk, id go, when the fuck when the fuck was ah when the fuck did the rats go in and eat my wiring? Because literally I drive my car every single day. He's like, when did the light come on? I go yesterday. He goes, that's when it happened.
00:35:20
Speaker
Damn. How? So that means there's rats in either at your job or at your apartment. It has to be in the apartment because the garage I park in for my job is not indoor.
00:35:32
Speaker
It's like it's an outdoor garage. So I don't it has to be here. That's not good either. How could I fucking make them cover that? I can't. There's no way to prove it. So sure two grand, bunch of phone calls at 7 a.m. asking to drive 40 minutes because you can't fucking work a key. I mean, it's just insane.
00:35:50
Speaker
Just how it is. Life just does that to you sometimes, you know? I did have one car thing that happened. Well, one still happening. I guess. Fuck it. We're already 35 minutes in. Whatever. hmm.
00:36:01
Speaker
Um,
Co-host's Car Window Mishap
00:36:03
Speaker
So, uh, at my job, far more interesting than this fucking movie. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's true. Um, so my new job, right. I had to drive there for like, um, is it by the high school? Which one is it?
00:36:14
Speaker
No. It was on nine. Yeah. Okay. There was a, so I was driving right. And right now during training, they're only having me do four hour shifts, which is kind of annoying, but yeah, it's whatever. So I, the day after the blizzard,
00:36:32
Speaker
yeah I go and I'm like, all right, I got to be there at nine. So I like, you know, do the car or whatever because it's all frosty or whatever, defrost it. So then, the you know, the windows, right? They get water on them when they defrost.
00:36:47
Speaker
So I was like, I'm just rolling down, get the water off. Yeah. Well, the driver's side window never came back up. Oh, fuck. I'm holding the button because it's like one of those automatic ones.
00:37:01
Speaker
So I'm just like doing whatever I can. It's not coming up. I'm like, oh, well, I got to go. And like my dad's not home. My mom's not like 20 degrees outside. It's literally 23 degrees outside. Yeah.
00:37:13
Speaker
No one's home where I can just like leave my car here and take their car. Nothing. So I cranked the heat all the way to 80. Yeah. ah That didn't help. So I'm driving all the way there.
00:37:26
Speaker
And it's just my hands are just like red because it's just so cold. Yeah. So I get there and not not to mention the left, the same door that the Windows problem is, that speaker's not working. There's speaker in the door?
00:37:41
Speaker
Yeah, i got one I got like a subwoofer in the door. Yeah. So that one's not working either. So I think there's something electrical going on in that door. Sure. But anyway, so then I get there, right? And I'm like 15 minutes early.
00:37:56
Speaker
So I just go on like YouTube and I'm looking up how to get this window up. Yeah. Because I'm like, this is fucked. I'm just going to leave my, my, anybody can just hop in my car. Yeah.
00:38:06
Speaker
Yeah. Luckily it's pushed to start, pushed to start. Yeah. Yeah. Push to start. So I think they're harder to like hot wire. Sure. But still, yeah. I anybody my car. So I'm Googling it. I'm fucking banging on the side of the door. I'm like trying to pull it up because it's coming up like one inch and then going back down.
00:38:25
Speaker
Oh really? Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. And then I had to go inside. I'm like, so I just had to leave the door or the window completely down. Yeah. Yeah. I locked the door like i la her as I was walking away. And then I was like, well, that's dumb. Why did do that? The window's open. windows open Yeah.
00:38:44
Speaker
Luckily, when I got done, I told HR. I was hoping she would be like, oh, yeah, go take get taken care of. She was like, oh, that sucks.
00:38:55
Speaker
Okay. All right. Well, I might as well make money for this repair. That's inevitable. Right? Yeah. When I got, it was still down. Obviously no one broke into my car. That was nice. Nothing in there anyway.
00:39:06
Speaker
Sure. But when I got home, it finally went up, but like super slow. So I think it was frozen. That sounds, it sounds like it was frozen. Yeah, possibly. frozen But why are you going a little bit then?
00:39:19
Speaker
I don't know. Yeah. but I haven't tried rolling it down since. Fuck that. Not now. Not now. no absolutely not. Yeah. And so I got a bum window and a bum speaker, but you're a bum door. That's not as bad as yours.
00:39:35
Speaker
Not as bad as Ronit's eating your fucking wiring out. No, but it is odd when are you're really listening to music and it's just on this side and behind you and like over here. ah So that is fucking weird as fuck. You're right.
00:39:46
Speaker
That is strange. You know how some songs they like go around spatial. Yeah. Yeah. There's just nothing there. That is weird. It's very disorienting, but it's fine because the other other than that, the car's fine.
00:39:58
Speaker
I'm guessing the settings is not changed like where like the audio is only playing for that side. It just like doesn't work anymore. Oh, yeah. I went into the settings on the car and everything. Yeah, it doesn't work. doesn't work. Yeah. So fuck cars.
00:40:09
Speaker
fuck Fuck cars. But like our cars aren't old. like Mine going be 10 years old. We've got a lot of miles. I'm at 83 K. That's it. Yeah.
00:40:20
Speaker
Oh, okay. I'm at 47. Yeah. I was at 47. Yeah. go Yeah. yeah No, I mean my car, I I've had my car for five years and I had a Honda civic before this Honda civic. I'm Honda civic gang, but like now I'm kind of out.
00:40:35
Speaker
But also it's not the, it's not the car's fault. I mean the fucking rats eat my fucking wiring. Yeah. Like I don't think Subaru has like ah a window pro they might, they have a window problem. I don't know. Yeah, it's, you know, life just fucking life my ass.
00:40:48
Speaker
Yeah, you got fucked. But... You get to top your week off by watching this absolute excuse of a film. Disaster. Disaster. You also slept until like 2.30, which is props to you.
00:41:00
Speaker
i mean, it was, yeah. It was probably like, it was yeah it was late. Yeah. You were like. Done. You're like, I need rest. I woke up at 8 and I could not breathe out of my nose. And I was like, I'm not.
00:41:13
Speaker
I'm not. I'm not doing this. I'm not to just be awake at 8 a.m. m right now because I can't breathe out of my nose. i was like, we're going figure this out. And then I'm going back to bed. So, yeah, this piece of shit movie, we already talked about. This is post 9-11 and pre-Benois.
00:41:28
Speaker
Hello, you're now in an ad read. Yeah, fuck you, yeah. that we're We're, Gerald's sick of regurgitating the same lines at the beginning and the end of the episode. So here we are in the middle.
00:41:39
Speaker
So here's one one nice ad read to check all our shit out. Plug it in. So follow us on Instagram, twoguysonescreenpod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to twoguysonescreenpod at gmail.com. Follow us on TikTok and YouTube.
00:41:56
Speaker
Follow us individually on Letterboxd. Send us a voicemail, 508-8-5-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8
00:42:09
Speaker
And then go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it? Available on the same page. Do you fucking want it or not? And before we end this ad read, shout out to Jackson Behavioral Health. All this will be linked in the description below.
00:42:26
Speaker
Click it and stick it. And now back to the episode. This is
Ad Break and Tribute
00:42:32
Speaker
title reign Benoit. This is United States Championship Benoit. Let's go. And 2006 is when John Cena, he's on the come up. You know, this is like he's been around since 2002, but this is when they're like really pushing him hard.
00:42:44
Speaker
Right. ah Movies directed by John Bonito, who's directed nothing. Dog shit. Oh, one quick. Sorry. One quick thing.
00:42:57
Speaker
R.I.P. James Ranson. Ransone. How you pronounce that? Is he in this movie? No. Oh. He's an actor. He killed himself. Oh, R.I.P. I don't know who that is, but R.I.P. If you saw him, you'd know him. He's in ah he's in It Chapter 2.
00:43:13
Speaker
James. He's in The Black Phone. He's in Sinister. He's the cop in Sinister, and he's in Black Phone. I think I just said that. Oh, he killed himself? Yeah. That's sad.
00:43:24
Speaker
Yeah. You saw him, right? You know who? You've seen him. He looks like Dan Orlovsky. Yeah. There's also like 14 of these movies. So many. set Seven? Six.
00:43:35
Speaker
The Marine 2 is Ted DiBiase, right? Yeah, and then the rest of the Miz. Bad choice. And then it's just the Miz. That's crazy. That's fucking nuts. ah The star of the movie, as we mentioned, is John Cena.
00:43:51
Speaker
He plays John Triton. His name is just John, so he's John. I mean, I'm fucking John for the clout. and'm fucking John in this movie. I'm fucking John in general. I mean, he's got big ears.
00:44:03
Speaker
Right. He's cock. He's fucking jacked in this movie. Not that he's not jacked now, but he's just he's fucking jacked. he He looks delicious. That's just how it is. yeah He's a hunk of meat.
00:44:13
Speaker
This next lady is Kelly clark Carlson. Not Clarkson. Nope. the She plays Kate. Not Kate from Kate's Catering. A different kind of Kate. And she's kind of a piece, no?
00:44:24
Speaker
Yeah, she's pretty hot. Next, we got Robert Patrick, who plays Rome. This guy is a legend. would say a pretty famous actor. Yeah. Robert Patrick. I'm not fucking him, but I mean, I've seen on the podcast in Bridge of Terabithia. Bridge of Terabithia. He was a dickhead dad, right? Yeah, he was dad.
00:44:43
Speaker
He was dad. ah He's probably the best actor in this movie, which makes sense. He's also in this movie called Striptease. just a naked lady, so kind of want to know what this is.
00:44:55
Speaker
Oh, it's a Bergman movie? It's probably Dirty. Oh, he's the villain in Die Hard 2, I think. no He's also in a movie called Men That Stare at Gods.
00:45:07
Speaker
That can't be good. I don't even know what that is, but I'm very curious about it. Next we got Abigail Bianca who plays Angela. I mean, she could fucking and get it, right? For sure. She's in absolutely nothing.
00:45:23
Speaker
Then we have a person with no picture. We got Christina Lindley, who is the chop shop girl. i don't know what the fuck that is. i don't even remember who that is. We've got Anthony Ray Parker, who is Morgan, the not mean.
00:45:34
Speaker
But he's in like a lot. Anthony Ray Parker. He's in the Matrix. Hell yeah, he is. I mean, i don't i don't know if I'm fucking him, though. That's the problem. I'm definitely not fucking him.
00:45:46
Speaker
He's not a good actor either. We'll him that button. Then we got Manu Bennett, who plays Bennett. Wow, really original here. He's in all the movies.
00:45:59
Speaker
Oh, is that the movie? Yeah. The movie I was thinking of that I got confused the Marine is The Condemned with Steve Austin. Oh, okay. Yeah, that movie's actually probably not horrible. I'm going to go on over run of on a will here and say that movie's not that bad. I'm going to add it as watched.
00:46:17
Speaker
I've seen The Condemned. Shout Scott Wiper. Wipe my ass. Yeah, but this Manu Bennett guy, yeah he's like in The Hobbits. He's in The Hobbits, bro. Guy's a big deal. it's a star.
00:46:29
Speaker
He's also in some dr dark movie. um Next, we got Firas Durrani, who...
00:46:39
Speaker
I didn't know he would the fuck...
00:46:44
Speaker
Literal terrorist. Why is he... He's in the movie for three minutes in beginning of the episode. the roni Yeah, you give the fucking Indian guy terrorist. Wow. He's in your favorite movie, though, Hacksaw Ridge. I fucking hate that movie. I love that movie.
00:46:59
Speaker
Movie's trash. Uh... Oh, killer Killer Elite is a movie I always see at Bull Moose. Shout out Bull Moose. Pitch Black? Fuck that movie. Looks like somebody's butthole.
00:47:10
Speaker
it's It's Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. Autumn made me watch this fucking dog shit, piece of shit movie. Overrated. and Sorry, I like Keith David.
00:47:23
Speaker
ah Where are we? We got Jerome Ellers, who plays Van Buren. He's a detective. I mean, no. He kind of looks gay. He does give a little gay vibe, right? He ain't fucking looks familiar.
00:47:36
Speaker
ain't fucking it. I've seen none of these movies he's in. I haven't seen any of these movies either. what is Pubby House?
00:47:45
Speaker
Playtime will never be the same. i'm getting out of here.
00:47:50
Speaker
Anybody else in here that you want to shout out? I was hoping to see another WWE guy, but I guess not yeah that would have been cool. It also was crazy that we had that Kane movie locked and loaded for See No Evil, and then we're just here doing this schlop instead.
00:48:03
Speaker
Yeah, what are we doing? Not that See No Evil is probably good, but I'm just saying. It's got to be better than this, bro. There's no shot. It's got to be better than this. And it's definitely Kane. It for sure is Kane. Is that not on the schedule anymore? That's upsetting. No, we can add it back to schedule, though. Yeah, that shit's coming back. want to watch that. That shit can...
00:48:21
Speaker
We can definitely record it in January at some point. Cool. All right. Yeah. yeah Anyways, if you're new to this podcast, you're like, oh John Cena, a wrestling podcast. Psych.
00:48:32
Speaker
It's not. It's a movie podcast. And we go fucking crazy. So just get ready because this movie opens in an Al Qaeda cave. It really does. it It literally opens in an Al Qaeda cave. And there are these...
00:48:44
Speaker
um sandy that got three Marines and they tell John John's a Marine and John wants to save these other Marines and the whoever the fuck he radios is like do not engage wait for help and he's like nah man we got some right now and literally I mean I don't know how this isn't a meme by now but he's just like no time literally it's it's so dramatic ah And one of the terrorists literally yells, Allahu Akbar. And then John breaks the walls down. Literally breaks the walls down.
00:49:20
Speaker
Shout out Chris Jericho, who's not in the movie. But it'd probably a little better if he was. well we Shout out Chris Jericho, who is in Terrifier 2. And Terrifier 3. Yeah, and 3.
00:49:32
Speaker
Uh, so he like basically fucking goes, he goes like straight commando in this goddamn shit. And he just shoots all these guys. He smacks us one of them with a burning log. Like completely unreal. Like shout out Mick Foley though, versus edge at WrestleMania that, uh, what do you, when, uh, edge speared him through the flaming tables.
00:49:51
Speaker
I do. I've seen clips of that. i haven't watched the full match, but I have seen clips, but like, this is like one of those actual movies. Yeah, shout out the Brute. Shout out Christian. Shout out Gangrel. Shout Gangrel. Their entrance music I had in my phone non-ironically because I like listening to it. Bangs. Bangs hard. Yeah.
00:50:09
Speaker
ah But the action in this movie is fucking horrible. I would agree with you. It's not filmed well. It's too cutty. It cuts all over the place. Very cutty. Not kid cutty. No. No. But I am on the pursuit of happiness.
00:50:24
Speaker
And this was pretty fucking gay. They're like, we can't, we can't go around him. And John's like, we gotta go through them. but just We gotta go through these guys. And it's, prop it's like horrible. John Cena's acting in this movie is horrible. Like how he ever made it in Hollywood. i don't know.
00:50:45
Speaker
I mean, what, what you, what is the next movie John put out after this? Oh,
John Cena's Film Career
00:50:50
Speaker
I don't even do we know. I mean, do we, what would even be in a worse John? Is it blockers?
00:50:56
Speaker
Daddy's home potentially might be before that. Daddy's home is 2015. uh, that's before blockers, but is it this Doolittle movie? Not 2020.
00:51:08
Speaker
Ferdinand like just came out. Was it train wreck? 2015? twenty fifteen 2015 is the earliest one that I've seen so far. Surf's up to Wave of Mania. Oh, Fred. He did the Fred movie in 2010. There you go.
00:51:23
Speaker
What is this? Yeah. So, you know, man's busy doing some schlop. ah But anyways, i mean, also though, 2007, 2008, I'd imagine those are peak John Cena years for wrestling. A lot of dates, lot of wrestling going on those those years. He's doing his thing. he wanted to wrestle. He didn't want to do his movie thing.
00:51:42
Speaker
So we cut to Germany. This is a Marine Corps spot or something. And his boss is like, he's like, try it outside 10 minutes.
00:51:53
Speaker
I was fully expecting this to be Vince. That would have been great. Fucking hilarious. John! You're fired. You're getting... Discharged.
00:52:05
Speaker
Yeah, that was the word I was looking for. Yeah. Your mom is discharging all over my face. Ah! I'm going to sign an NDA.
00:52:16
Speaker
They're going to make a Netflix documentary about this in 10 years. um So he tells John that he's, uh, the judges have heard his case and there's no appeals and he disabited direct order. So he's out.
00:52:30
Speaker
And this, and this guy is like doing the most with the acting. Like he's like trying to like make tears happen. He's like trying to act sad. Uh, And then our next scene is John returning home.
00:52:43
Speaker
I wrote that he fucks his wife for a while because it is. mean, he does. He's a while and at it for a hot minute. Yeah, it's a while. And, you know she was so worried about him or whatever. And but he started a new job tomorrow. That's cool.
00:52:56
Speaker
And then we cut to this is Roman, one of his goons. And he he's trying to do a Scarface accent. I'm not sure why. um and then like like a mob guy rome walks into this jewelry store store and they love using slow-mo big where you don't need it it's just like what why are you in slow-mo here because they have the they had to have a budget there's a lot of fill time well that's 92 minutes of john running in the woods yeah so john's barely in the movie john is kind of barely in the movie though but you're kind of right
00:53:31
Speaker
So he walks inside. i heard that. ah That's a one. um And he fucks up a security guard in the in the jewelry store and pulls a gun out.
00:53:43
Speaker
And then we realize some people who are in the store are kind of like in on it with them like 9-11. um And it's a robbery. And he needs to get to the back, but there's bulletproof glass in front of it. And he threatens to shoot this lady who turns out to be Angela, who also works for him.
00:54:01
Speaker
But he pulls her hostage and gets this guy on other side to open the door. But it doesn't matter because the on the other the door also with him. So what was the point of this fucking scene anyways? Right. sure Wouldn't he just be able to walk up in there? Yeah.
00:54:14
Speaker
And be like, hey, give me the diamonds. Oh, spoiler. But like, give me the diamonds. Right. And the guy is like, ah they take a security cam footage and the guy's like, yo, Rome, you got to punch me. Make it look real. I'm like, how about this? And he puts a bullet in his fucking head.
00:54:29
Speaker
It's like some of the most cringiest dialogue you're ever going to hear. And make it a point multiple times to mention that this movie takes place in South Carolina. Literally nobody cares. Why does it matter? Yeah. I mean, how about you give your fucking character some name but before telling us where it is? I don't give a fuck.
00:54:46
Speaker
Right. And then like this whole like monologue he goes on when he's just standing here after he shoots that guy. It's like, what do we, what's of this? I don't know. So he grabs a, an assault rifle from his trunk and there's a non-mean across the street. This is Morgan. Morgan.
00:55:02
Speaker
And they blow up a cop car. I don't know why you would just get in the car and leave. Right. Cause Rome just starts like shooting at the cop car. Right. And then Morgan blows it up with an RPG.
00:55:13
Speaker
yeah Yeah. Literally. What is going on? I mean, the car explosion ridiculous. right I mean, it's so ridiculous. like Did Michael Bay direct these parts? Yeah. But it doesn't, like, it flies up, you know? like It's like on its Yeah. But it doesn't, like, explode explode.
00:55:31
Speaker
You know what mean? There's fire underneath it, yeah. It's just floating in the air with fire around it. Yeah, and the whole thing is green screen big. Yeah. Morgan gets in the car that may leave. We cut to the police investigating the jewelry store. This is where we meet Van Buren, but you don't get his until the end of the movie. so Yeah, it doesn't matter. And he's like, how did these guys steal 12 million of diamonds that just got delivered?
00:55:55
Speaker
And the fucking dummy to him like, that's the guy on the ground. He's fucking dead. o um We cut back to John.
00:56:06
Speaker
Must be an inside John. who We cut to John. He's a security guard in a building now. um and Is this like an apartment building? What is this place? I have i have no idea. i mean a lot of a lot of like businesses have doormen, that kind of thing too.
00:56:24
Speaker
It's like you go there and go I have a meeting with so-and-so. a like You low-key got a doorman though. if you look If you saw this lady, you'd be like, low key, no, you don't. you like They changed companies. I don't know who the fuck they got downstairs now. I mean, I'm like, yo, did you come in off the street or are you a poor man? I can't tell. Oh, man.
00:56:44
Speaker
Are you just cold? Like, you what the fuck are you doing in here? Yeah. You were sat in the chair. Yeah. And they look at you gonna go hello. And I'm like, what is going, what the fuck is going on right now? Please don't blow me up.
00:56:55
Speaker
Yeah. Uh, take my money. jokes on you. I don't have any. I gave all to Honda. What the fuck are we doing? Yeah. 2025 needs to end, huh? Soon.
00:57:07
Speaker
As of this recording, it's fucking pretty close. Yeah.
John's First Day as Security Guard
00:57:09
Speaker
and We're edging you now. Yeah. um So John is he's a security guard with this fucking other guy who literally has no impact movie besides being a guy with him in this movie, in this scene.
00:57:23
Speaker
on this This is his first day on the job. This dickhead hangs up on his wife with his, like, two other goons, and they're just, like, giving John the eye. i don't know why, but then John sitting there chatting with his his partner who's reading. He's laughing, and he's reading Men's Health magazine. What is funny in there?
00:57:40
Speaker
Like, the new on the... on the scene hemorrhoid cream like yeah on the scene hemorrhoid cream pretty good hey i have something there he tries to convince john the job is a is great and get promoted to management there's a stupid fucking joke that he's been working in the desk for nine years hasn't gotten promoted yet john's like wait then why haven't you been promoted wait i should be in the rink what the fuck am doing here oh yeah yo where's batista huh is going on right now where's ben law yeah oh well and his partner's like oh you haven't heard yet this guy breaks the news he's like he's like he's like dude being a wrestler means everything to me he's like oh you haven't heard huh
00:58:30
Speaker
He's like, they fucking put in men's health. It's that big of a deal. Yeah. right Watch out for that. Yeah. Watch out. Like 20 years. Yeah. You're going to find out. Yeah.
00:58:40
Speaker
Um, that's fucking hilarious. you in here oh Like you didn't hear it. I had time to like be published in a magazine. He's like, Oh, Vince didn't call you.
00:58:53
Speaker
ah Anyways. ah They get a call. There's a psycho ex-boyfriend on level 12, which is the guy they just saw.
Psycho Ex-Boyfriend Confrontation
00:59:04
Speaker
And he's calling his girlfriend a whore, asking her where her pimp is. And John and his partner asked this guy to leave. And he's like, yeah, fuck off, flat top, because John's got a flat top in this movie. So John just drags him into the elevator.
00:59:17
Speaker
They go to a squirm out. um And he just starts talking shit to John. He calls him a rent-a-cop. And then the the other two goons in lobby try to swing on John and he decides, you know, I'm trying to fight these motherfuckers.
Watching 'The Marine' Online
00:59:30
Speaker
And he just kind of he literally just throws one out of a window. Yeah. Like no one goes to a table. I thought the one got the point. It was Rob Van Dam. But then I got crazy. It looks like he looks like fucking watch Rob Van Dam.
00:59:43
Speaker
Now, um was it was it easy for you to find this movie? I rented it on Amazon Prime. I didn't bother looking where else would be. okay. What would you do? So, I
Cody Rhodes and John Cena's Drinks
00:59:52
Speaker
don't know if it was like the way I watched it because I VPNed to Canada to watch it on Disney Plus.
01:00:00
Speaker
but Disney Plus? Disney Plus? Yeah. um But I couldn't see John in the movie at all. You know, I couldn't see him. So yeah I don't know if it was the VPN doing something weird. Right. That's, you know, John Cena.
01:00:12
Speaker
Yeah. It's hard. It's very hard. Yeah. I mean, even, even Amazon with all the ads, the ads kind of like felt placed where like you couldn't see John because they were just throwing ad in and you just couldn't John.
01:00:24
Speaker
Talk about, uh, that might come back if we do another Cena movie. Yeah. You know who's fucking gay? John? Yeah, it has to do with John. Yeah. Because everybody knows yous he you can't see me. He's invisible.
01:00:36
Speaker
Right. He was on Cody Rhodes' podcast and they always like make a drink. it's It's very funny that Cody Rhodes has a podcast because he just talks like this and probably just spits all over his mic. yeah Yeah, but his wife's a baddie. She probably loved that spit. Yeah, he got a fat tongue and a small mouth.
01:00:53
Speaker
He do. but you know You know what John called his drink? They made his drink. He's like, Cody, you spit all my drink. Sorry, John. Sorry, John. Give me spitting drink. Hey, John, you want me to spit out your cock? You want me to give you the good old five knuckle shuffle, John? What did John call his drink? You can't sip
Tribute to Dusty Rhodes
01:01:21
Speaker
me.
01:01:21
Speaker
ah That's crazy. There's a good thing you retired, man. That's fucking wild. What did he do? Like a custom made drink? Could he just make like a fucking Eric? Like those it's supposed to be quote unquote custom. Yeah, because it's like sponsored by Wheatley vodka, but it's like fucking tequila soda or some shit. No, it was just like fucking vodka with simple syrup.
01:01:41
Speaker
like, what do we what are we doing? Yeah. Oh, and an orange wedge. That's crazy. can tell John doesn't drink. No, but he likes it when I spit in it.
01:01:55
Speaker
It's my new drink. Hey, do you want to wrestle my brother Goldust?
01:02:03
Speaker
Yeah, my brother Gold- he's a bit of a but... I don't fuck that guy's problem.
01:02:13
Speaker
He keeps coming up to me like, rubbing his chest. I don't know if he wants to fuck or not
01:02:20
Speaker
ah And I'm like, oh, you want fuck a hook to my dick, brother? What do we do? That guy's so fucking gay.
01:02:32
Speaker
what the fuck? Can you tell fucking my brother Golda to chill? Chill out.
01:02:41
Speaker
think he gets off to me when I spit on him.
01:02:46
Speaker
ah But the good thing is I'm suiting dust. Yeah. Shout out to my dad, Dusty Rhodes. Oh, man. RIP Dusty Rhodes. RIP to a fucking legend.
01:02:58
Speaker
Yeah. Son of a plumber.
John Cena's Catchphrase and Banter
01:03:01
Speaker
Because the only action I can do with the lisp is Mike Tyson. Yeah. Cody Rhodes is just Mike Tyson the whole time, I don't know why. Yeah, I'm white Mike Tyson.
01:03:13
Speaker
Yeah, you know, i'm looking into a tongue reduction surgery. I think it'll help with a spit. um Hey, John, I know you went to Turkey to get your ah your hair implants. Do they do tongue operations too?
01:03:26
Speaker
Tongue, can get my... said, Tom. Yo, Tom, can suck my tongue off or what? Yo, John, do you think I get my tongue reduced in Turkey and then cut a promo?
01:03:39
Speaker
I'm gonna cut a promo like this. I'll be like, do you think I'll do this tall little fuck up my promo, John? Alright.
01:03:50
Speaker
That's not crazy. But Gold Dust is kind of a I'm just being honest. Yeah, a little bit. Shout out to him. Oh, yeah yeah. He's still wrestling. He doesn't do any of that gay shit, though. He just goes by and is like, yeah. I've changed with the times.
01:04:08
Speaker
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. We love everybody. Joking. I'm kidding. So obviously John gets fired and he's sitting with his partner at a restaurant and he's depressed. He's not Marine anymore.
01:04:21
Speaker
And his partner is like, dude, yeah, you know, your time as a Marine is over, but your life's not over, man. So he tells him his life's not over. And then John's like, yeah, I'm going to go home and see my wife. And he's like, bro, your wife's so fucking hot.
01:04:35
Speaker
um It was a kind of out of pocket and John's kind of like, what?
Dramatic Plot with Rome and Angela
01:04:39
Speaker
And he's like, yeah, bro. I kind to get cucked while you fuck your wife. It is strange, huh? yeah I mean, he wants to fuck his wife big. I'm not sure why.
01:04:47
Speaker
ah I want you piece. I guess it makes sense. We cut to Rome and Angela and she's like, what the fuck was that? And he's like, what? You shot a guy.
01:05:00
Speaker
You had Morgan vote the car. And he's like, don't worry, baby. I got all the control. He's trying to fuck her like big I mean, yeah, but she's like into it. She's into it. He like takes a phone call and then she starts like stripping. And I mean, who was he talking to the whole time? Is that is it the detective? Like who is he talking to?
01:05:18
Speaker
It's no, it's got to be the guy at the end, right? Or no, it's it. It's got to be the detective because he's in on it. Right. Spoiler. Sorry. He's like, oh, you knowt know, the firepower I can bring down on you.
01:05:30
Speaker
Yeah. What kind of firepower you got? Daddy-O. You fucking mortars? Is this Nam? Napalm me? What are we doing?
01:05:39
Speaker
He tells Rumi to cross the line, but they're meeting tomorrow at noon to sell the diamonds. Cut to John, who he's getting dropped off by his partner. How the fuck did he get to work that day?
01:05:51
Speaker
like That's a good question. That's a good question. But like, why, why are you going out to drinks with this guy you just met? Yeah. Right. Yeah. And why is he giving you life advice? and why is he just telling you on the first day that Jeff wants to fuck your wife?
01:06:04
Speaker
And then he wants to like, just bring you home after that. Also, how can, how can he know that he picked up John if he can't see him? Right, he just dropped off like no one. yeah I didn't know where to go. Fuck the Invisible Man.
01:06:15
Speaker
They didn't have GPS like in 2006, did they? Well, John claims he has GPS when he gets captured by those fucking hillbillies. Oh, they probably have the ones where you like mount on your fucking dash. Yeah, mount me.
01:06:26
Speaker
Yeah. Um... Mount me and come to the Cody Rhodes, uh, wrestling academy. I'll teach you how to spit on your fucking opponent. I'll teach you how to spit enough so your opponent slips in the ring.
01:06:38
Speaker
Then one, two, three, the new champion.
Rome's Car and Movie Setting Humor
01:06:40
Speaker
And then they have a slipped disc in your back. Yeah. My secret? Spit. yeah My new finisher spit and flied.
01:06:52
Speaker
um So he's like, yeah, this is a secret. And he walks inside and he tells Kate that it went well. But then a video of the news pops on of John throwing guy through a window.
01:07:05
Speaker
And then Kate, i mean I fucking hate this part. Kate's like, why don't you go and just go somewhere? Why don't you go do something? My fucking horoscope told me I need to do a go out there and something. just gotta go. I just yeah drive.
01:07:19
Speaker
Yeah. By the way, if anybody ever tells you that, if any girl ever tells you that, she's going to go fuck a black guy real soon. Yeah, like you're not. I just want to try something different. I want to experience something new. and it's either a big black guy or she's gay. One or two.
01:07:33
Speaker
Those are your options. And just hope she's gay. i mean, this is ridiculous, but sure. So she wants to go do something. She has a sudden urge now to just fucking do that.
01:07:44
Speaker
um We cut to Morgan, who's getting patted down by a guy who was a lineman in the Super Bowl. um And then he meets this white dude in the car shop who is like, yo, Rome, order the minivan. You're driving the minivan. He's like, as a black man, i don't drive a minivan.
01:08:03
Speaker
That's for white guys and pedophiles. Not for me. doesn't say that. But he does say that he's a black guy doesn't drive May van. and Pedophiles do drive white vans. Shout to Grabber, I guess.
01:08:15
Speaker
Yeah. um Shout out Jake. He doesn't drive a white van, but you think he would. Yeah. So instead, classic black guy steals a car, takes a black Cadillac.
01:08:28
Speaker
Yeah, of course it's a Cadillac. What the fuck? um We cut to John and Kate and they're driving and this was so out of pocket. I don't understand. um water that One of it was, some of it was funny, some was just kind of crazy, but they're passing Mount Cedar.
01:08:42
Speaker
And, but she's like, oh, you know, we're so far from the mountains still. Why don't we go to the beach? And John's like, I've seen enough sand.
01:08:53
Speaker
That's fucking crazy. I mean, this is 2006. We were at war with the fucking Afghanis. No? Yeah, yeah, for sure. we they We do not like them as Americans.
01:09:03
Speaker
I forgot what she says, but he's like, you're the only with childhood of memories up in the cabin in the woods, in the
Critique of Movie Plot Elements
01:09:09
Speaker
mountains. And he's like, i used to go with my dad and my dad liked it to take me my brothers and I because no one would hear us scream.
01:09:17
Speaker
and Like, wow. Were you getting fucked by your dad? Yeah. Is that what it was? this and then at the end of the movie, Morgan's like, I got fucked by my dad too. It's like, why are we throwing this in here? Why is this a side plot? wow once or twice but why It's like, it's like, I can just see they're all sitting down the meeting and they're just like, we need John's character to have some background.
01:09:38
Speaker
Let's think molestation. Yeah. And Vince just comes, comes in. He's like, he got raped. Yeah.
01:09:48
Speaker
They're like, all right, Vince, we got this movie basically written. There's just one part that no one definitely cares about that we do need to fill in. that That one random black guy who acts out all the time, what's his background? Rape!
01:10:01
Speaker
you Got it, boss. just loaded Guys, we got to think of a different way for him to get raped besides going to the mountains. You figure it out. i don't I just don't understand why why is this a thing kids getting molested is ah is a point in this movie. more Not once, but twice.
01:10:18
Speaker
Also, is that like their bonding moment? Hey, you're stretched too? Like, what do we do? You're black. I'm white. but We both got raped. We're the same.
01:10:28
Speaker
We're the same. I can relate to you. And then John pulls it out, and he's probably bigger than black guy, honestly. Yeah, John probably slain, Dick. John got touched, and so did this black guy. And they stopped to get gas, and Kay asked John for a Diet Coke inside. We don't support that. It's disgusting.
01:10:45
Speaker
John goes to walk inside. He passes by Rome, not knowing who Rome is. It's a throwaway thing, but it really pissed me off. Go for it. He's like walking away. Right. And she's like, nice ass. And then like the way they shot it, John, like he's like already turning around before she finishes her sentence. He's like, hu what? I'm like, you saying what John, like my fucking dumper stick to wrestling, pal.
01:11:12
Speaker
And there's a dude in Rome's car just kind of like staring at Kate, like beating it off to Kate a little bit. Catch that? It was like 30 seconds. She's hot. know I get it. And then this this police officer pulls up in like literally like a fucking sports car.
01:11:25
Speaker
Like where, what police department has a kind of budget for this kind of car? It's like a Corvette
Action Movie Tropes and Trivia
01:11:31
Speaker
almost. Like, yeah what are we doing? And he gets out of the car, the the officer does, and he looks at, ah looks at Rome. He goes, how you been?
01:11:40
Speaker
And he's like, you Cadillac man, huh? And they have this kind of like weird tense conversation because Angela and another fucking white dude inside. And then while we're just talking, Morgan just walks over his point blank range and shoots his fucking cop in the head.
01:11:55
Speaker
Who's doing that? I don't know, man. But like they're not even like super mad at him. They're just like, all right, we got to go. Rome shoots the other officer. um Then John goes to run outside, and he gets fucking whopped with a fire extinguisher.
01:12:11
Speaker
and Angela kills the gas station clerk. They go to take John's truck, and they decide, we're not going to kill Kate. We need a hostage. For what? I don't know. What do they need a hostage for?
01:12:23
Speaker
The rest of the movie plays out. They don't need a hostage. I guess they just wanted her there for like... Because like the detective comes in and and he's with them. So it's just like, what did you need know what did you need Kate for?
01:12:34
Speaker
For John. Because John needed to be in the movie. Right. This is this John Wick moment. Yeah, we can't call this John Wick though because this pre-John Wick. Right.
01:12:45
Speaker
This is not a ripoff of John Wick. This is This is what led to John Wick. You have to make some imperfect actions to get to where you want to be. And this is just one of the movies that has to get made for us to get better as a society.
01:12:58
Speaker
Keanu was like, guys, that guys like I have an idea. Let's make that movie with John Cena, but better. Yeah. Yeah. That's when he pointed to that. Yeah. That's the one, you know, you know, my favorite action movie is the Marine with John Cena.
01:13:16
Speaker
Yeah. Let's make that the one with the wrestler in it. Yeah. They're like, they're like the Miz, like, no, fuck that guy, which one? Yeah, no no, no, no, not, not the Marine 7.
01:13:30
Speaker
What about that They're like, they're like, see no he none and no not that no, no, no, oh the expendables cause stone cold's in it no not that fucking movie i fucking told you the condemned no even though That's what I thought of.
01:13:49
Speaker
um Why did I think that Randy Orton had a movie? He has a movie called like, ah but it wasn't the Marine. No. Is it 12 rounds? But that sounds right. Because I think John Cena is in part one and then Ragey's in part two. 12 rounds to reloaded. Yeah. Oh, my God. The cover of it.
01:14:07
Speaker
How'd I pull that out of my eyes? I don't know. But prop is seen in one. What's 12 rounds? I think he did this in the first one. Damn. This is 2009. That's the next movie he made. 12 rounds.
01:14:18
Speaker
I've watched too many John Cena movies, I think. Yeah, and there's i mean there's fucking nobody in this
Movie Action Scene Critiques
01:14:22
Speaker
movie. This guy's a straight-up fucking UFC fighter. Brock Lesnar? No, it's Gonzalo Menendez, and I know that's a fact because he's in... He's in some good movies.
01:14:33
Speaker
Okay. Anyways, I digress. What were we talking about? ah This is the inspiration of John Wick. Correct. Shout out John Wick. um So they take John's truck and Kate and Morgan blows up the gas station.
01:14:46
Speaker
For what? I don't know. Why? He's wild mother. The thing is, he's a crazy guy. They just keep saying that in the movie. He's crazy. He's out of control. He's a crazy motherfucker, Rome says. Not means do not mean things.
01:14:57
Speaker
um So John runs to the police car and this is in slow-mo for some reason. Yeah. um Because yeah they got to get the explosion behind him. The ridiculous fucking explosion behind him. Just out of control.
01:15:11
Speaker
He dragged off this wounded cop and the cop was wearing a bulletproof vest so he's fine. And he chases after the police car radios for help. We cut back to Angela in the car. This is like a split second but basically she finds John's fucking name tag or whatever.
01:15:27
Speaker
and she's like, oh, Kate married a Marine. Who cares? And then there's a cop car behind them and Rome's like, shoot at it. And that and then one white guy's like, that's not a cop.
01:15:38
Speaker
And Kate's like, it's fucking John. She's like, wet as shit. you know yeah It's like diehard. She's like, yeah, it's fucking John. Everybody's John. Everybody's fucking John, bro. um They start shooting at... Go ahead. hate when John Cena's like calling into the cops. He's like...
01:15:57
Speaker
he's like No, do they have a hostage? And he's like, yeah, my wife.
01:16:05
Speaker
The whole movie's like, I just want my wife. That's it. My wife. That's it. um So they start shooting at John, and this car chase scene, little bit too long, buddy. Could have trimmed this about five minutes.
01:16:16
Speaker
Could have cut the ah entire movie by about 92 minutes. Yeah. um You could have just had the Al-Qaeda scene. would been cool with that. Yeah. Like John Cena in a new short film. Cool. could You could have just posted that as propaganda to support the war back in the day. And then yeah that would have been good. Yeah. John does his thing and then flash w WWE logo. He does the fucking salute and that's it. Call it day. john um They, this fucking thing goes off for a while and then it goes into a, uh, an off-roading
Realism of Movie Setting Discussion
01:16:47
Speaker
situation. And then Kate multiple times tries to attack from while he's driving.
01:16:52
Speaker
And then there's just randomly a cliff. They're in a swamp, but there's a cliff. Yeah. Yeah. But what are there swamps? where you It's like when you change Minecraft biomes. Right. It's just right on the edge of both biomes. Yeah. But it's like, do they have swamps in South Carolina?
01:17:08
Speaker
Should we call Jake and ask? Yeah, because I always think swamps and gators like Louisiana, you know, like the bayou. would agree with that. He's going be pissed he's on the podcast, whatever.
01:17:20
Speaker
Live calling. Hey, Jake, you're on the podcast. I'm on the podcast? Yeah, we have a quick question for you. We were curious about the terrain of North slash South Carolina. um Okay. Would you consider any area of either state swampy?
01:17:39
Speaker
swamp filled yes would you also say there's cliffs um would you and if there are cliffs would you say they're right next to each other cliff then swamp would you say that no okay i've never seen cliffs i have seen swamps have you seen gators yes cool oh wow well we will they attack humans only if you provoke them that's fair okay well this is they call them swamp puppies because they're square they're scared people until you pass them off and they people
01:18:11
Speaker
but Swamp puppies. You are such a Southern man, Jake. It's crazy. that's i think all of Well, this has been immensely educational to me and Gerald and we appreciate it. And I'll talk to you there, babe.
01:18:25
Speaker
Thanks, Jake. He calls me babe, but he's a bitch. so now he calls me i He calls you babe too? This is fucked up. Yeah. Well, I mean, to be fair, he only started saying babe because I answered the phone one day and said, hey, babe, and now he does it. so yeah I also stole from somebody else, but I just, you know. There's a cliff randomly, right? And then John, they stop, but John goes off the cliff.
01:18:47
Speaker
And they shoot John's car. And I guess John? Because John jumps out. But it's all in slow-mo. You know? this it's It's very, very slow-mo. And then the car blows up and lands in the swamp.
01:19:00
Speaker
And John lands in the swamp. And this random white white guy tells Morgan... The car is fucked. They can't take it anywhere. So he also says that he's trigger happy and belongs in a cage. Hey, maybe don't tell a black guy he belongs in a cage. It's really wrong.
01:19:19
Speaker
Yeah. They're going to follow this swamp downstream. um And Kate is bitching. So Angie knocks her out and they make Morgan carrier. We cut it to Van Buren, who pulled up to investigate, and he gets... He's at the the gas station, and he gets a call about the shots fired in a car accident by the swamp, and then he's just there. There's no... He's just there.
01:19:40
Speaker
Fucking, like, apparates like Harry Potter. Right. And then John shows up, and Van Buren's like, you're John, and he's just like... don't know if you can't see me, sorry.
01:19:56
Speaker
That'd be so funny. at Every point in the movie, that you got jo they just got a giant gun. He's just like... You can't see me. That's hilarious. um And he's like, i can't let you go after these people. And John's like, I'm not asking.
01:20:12
Speaker
And then Van Buren tells him that water level... I'm not after I'm after my wife. My fucking wife. The water level changes so much can be hard to track them. um We cut back. Kate wakes up and tries to escape.
01:20:26
Speaker
And Morgan's pissed. They're walking through swamp killing cops. And there's this whole part where they're like, yeah, well, you're black. You did it. Yeah, like, what the fuck are we doing? 2006, different times. And this is w WWE produced. Yeah, Vince is like, blame it on the black guy.
01:20:41
Speaker
um Cody, stop spitting on me. ah yes Morgan pulls out his gun, uh, on this guy. Uh, what's fuck's the fuck name?
01:20:51
Speaker
Vescera, Vescera, something like that. Vescera, that big fucking black guy from w WWE. Yeah. And then Rome just fucking shoots that guy in the head and you see the gators eat them. We cut and see, uh, the cops with dogs looking for these people along with some scuba divers. Shout out to scuba diving.
01:21:09
Speaker
Yeah. Shout out to Thanksgiving. Shout out to Namine. um John is catching up. He's fucking sniffing their snail trail. He's like, ah smell my wife. smell my wife's fucking cunt.
01:21:23
Speaker
um And he sees a bloodstained fucking tree. He's like, damn. Dude, she fucking rode that shit. It's your yeast infection on that tree. by like so Some crazy motherfuckers. Yeah. She's creaming everywhere. Yeah.
01:21:41
Speaker
Damn it, Morgan. And then he finds Vesera's knife in the ground. um And then Roman gets a call from a guy, i guess as a detective, he's like, guess what? I fucking kidnapped the girl too. And I killed a Marine. So fuck you.
01:21:54
Speaker
and you do about You're out now, bitch. um And in the middle of guess it was supposed to be funny. He gets a call from his TV provider about his package being fulfilled or whatever. He's like, do I get the sports package?
01:22:06
Speaker
No, you fucking don't, Rome. All you need is red zone, Rome. Come on. A helicopter passes over there to hide. John finds some more footprints.
01:22:17
Speaker
And this scene by scene bit accelerated because they literally just do nothing for a lot of this. So it's just, it also is very funny during this part. Whenever John's on screen running through the woods, there's just this dramatic music. And then we go back to Rome and it's just no music. and then we go back to John for 30 seconds, more dramatic music. And it just in and out, in and out. It's very silly. Every time you cut to John scene, just hear. Yeah, that's just, it's just what it is.
01:22:45
Speaker
They should have played that. At least something. It's like the Scooby-Doo chase music. It's like in the beginning the movie when John walks into the into the gym and the music's just playing.
01:22:56
Speaker
Yeah. When he lands back from fucking Iraq. Just get off the plane. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah, dude. Romance came out some shit and she calls him a psycho and then he's like, you know, if Angela wasn't here, you and I could, you know, get it on. You ever want to You want to fucking ride the ride? You what mean?
01:23:18
Speaker
Ride the ride. Not the last ride. Kane's on this movie. Or Undertaker. Sorry. Hey, Kane. So there's this move, right? It's called the last ride. I'm going to lift you up, start licking your pussy, and I'm going to slam you into the ground.
01:23:35
Speaker
She's like, well, if you do it into ah onto a mattress, you got a fucking deal. Yeah. No, I'm doing it on the fucking Spanish announce table, all right? Yeah, fuck them. Yeah. Yeah, hold this.
01:23:50
Speaker
hu Yeah. Then John's running through the woods again like he does, and he gets caught in a net, but he gets he cuts out of it, and there's this fucking hillbilly holding a shotgun through his head, and he thinks that John's a cop, but John's not a cop.
01:24:03
Speaker
He's a Marine. He keeps saying that. I'm not a cop. It's just fucking at gunpoint. Johnny's just fucking... bro um But he disarms this guy, has him at fucking knife point. He's like, i fucking told you, you can't see me of it
01:24:21
Speaker
And then he gets knocked out again. He gets knocked out big in this movie. He has CTE big after this movie. Yeah, like how did John not how did john not to do this, but Chris did? Come on. I don't know, man. Did Chris ever start a movie? It's too early.
01:24:34
Speaker
No, definitely not. um Right before he was about to retire. So we cut, and Rome, and the rest of them see these cops in a boat, and they're going wait for them leave, and then go hide in this shack. He says they're going to cross the river. They never do, but...
01:24:50
Speaker
John wakes up tied to a chair. um And they, it's so stupid. They ask Johnny's questions and then they punch him in the face before he give an answer. Yeah. what are we doing? Multiple times. And John tells him he's not a cop and I don't believe him. He goes, all right, I am a cop. And they're tracking me right now. GPS.
01:25:07
Speaker
And they go to search him and he breaks out of the chair and he fights them. um He dodges an axe that matters. Not really. he He finds some more footprints. We see Rome and the crew go into the shack and John watches. He's like, yeah, they got my fucking wife.
01:25:25
Speaker
yeah They're going to fucking gangbang the shit out of my whore wife. Kate's going to get eight. yeah She's going to be John and Kate plus eight cream pies and dripping out of her. Oh, Roman tells Morgan to go find a generator and Morgan's pissed. He has to go do it.
01:25:44
Speaker
And then again, with the molestation thing, he talked about this guy, Tim, AKA Johnny whiplash that offered him something that he should have never accepted. and what that's Fucking straight cock, bro. What are you talking about right now?
01:25:57
Speaker
Johnny Whiplash. Because he has this thing where he's... Yeah, that's crazy for Rachel. Yeah, it's nuts. Yeah, it's nuts. ah dick But he has this thing the whole movie. He's like rock candy. So it's like he offered you crack or he offered you cock candy. One of the two. i mean, I think he just forced his cock candy on him. that I don't think there was any asking. Yeah. And it's kind of crazy because they haven't like also while he's saying this I think it's Dick because they have like that incest-y banjo music playing in the background a little bit where he's talking. And it's like, you got fucked.
01:26:26
Speaker
and So is it like you're like Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction? Yeah. Is this supposed to be funny? Because like the banjo music's played it or what? I don't know. But it i was just kind this is just so out of pocket for like what it is. Yeah. I mean, we're in an action movie.
01:26:42
Speaker
Yeah. Why are we talking about getting raped as kids? I don't know. Morgan goes look the generator and he's able to turn it on. And then same as being movie. John breaks the wall down. John loves breaking the wall down.
01:26:55
Speaker
that point That wasn't his gimmick either. He was a rapper. And he fights Morgan. um And Morgan breaks ah a bottle on John's face. But then John, I think, slices his throat or whatever with a knife.
01:27:10
Speaker
Like, you pick something up in fucking swings and it cuts the bottle being popped open. And all of a sudden, these beers are already cold to be able to be, like, drank. And it's like, bro, those are probably warm as shit. They're just... There's no power.
01:27:22
Speaker
Right. Rome's just sitting there fucking drinking the beer like, i want to fuck Kate. They're just looking at her like... Yeah. Yeah. That's her. Yeah. They're also, like, drinking, like, Miller Lite. I don't like beer, so I don't know. Yeah, I mean. It's all piss. Yeah. He gets a call from this fucking hot lady, but she's like Frank's wife or something. Frank's the guy from the car dealership.
01:27:42
Speaker
Good old Franck. And Franck is switching to plan B. Not Franck is. Rome is. But doesn't know what that means. Kate's about to have to take that plan B. You know what I mean? yeah. got some babies in her right now. I got some. Yo, somebody get fucking Freddy over here his fucking scissor fingers to cut these shits out. Scissor fingers. um Or Eddie. Somebody call Johnny Depp.
01:28:06
Speaker
Tell my shit in his bed. Yeah. It didn't take me to court. Yeah. Um, and he asked, uh, whoever on the phone to meet him at fucking, i wrote Margaritas, but it's something else. Like Marga something. I don't fucking remember what it is Rita Marga, something like that.
01:28:21
Speaker
Some gay name. Yeah. Um, and Angela asked Kate what she's looking at. And Kate tells Angela that she's Rome's puppet, puppet. And Rome tells fucking Frank to go into Phoenix.
01:28:32
Speaker
And, uh, going to phoenix harry then he sends this fucking random guy who's like in the crew to go get the boat starred and look for morgan and then load the same exact thing happens to morgan they fight it's this is bennett shout to bennett by the way yeah while we're here got a fucking traffic ticket for you um and bennett gets chokeslammed through a pallet shut up oh he's broken in half he's broken and high So this is just fucking hilarious because like John chokeslams him through a pallet.
01:29:03
Speaker
He brings him under the house and covers him up next to the fucking not mean. And then the detective is just sitting there under the house with him. Like what? What the fuck did this happen? And he tells John to wait and John's like, no.
01:29:15
Speaker
But like clearly John, you haven't learned your lesson following following fucking directions. Like, i don't know how many times i have to tell you old man. got do it now. My wife. How many times a I got to tell you? You can't see me.
01:29:29
Speaker
you can't see me and you can't see my wife either. She's not for sale. So we cut back inside the shack and the power gets cut out and Kate makes a run for it. And Angela chases after they have a fucking fight outside.
01:29:40
Speaker
I don't get how they're fighting outside, but John and the detective go inside. Like we wouldn't see Kate outside fighting this broad. Right. um the Maybe i did like the who they went around the back and one around the front.
01:29:53
Speaker
Yeah, crazy. We find out the detective's in all all this and he wants his diamonds. Rome's like, you kill John, I'll give you your half. But John tackles Van Buren before he can fire and then he hides behind the bar in the shack and Rome's just shooting at him.
01:30:08
Speaker
And then Rome makes a run for it with Kate and Angela. And he shoots this generator, this fucking jank-ass old generator. And the whole shack blows up comically. Yeah. Just like in slow-mo, not realistic. And they put Kate in this truck.
01:30:24
Speaker
And Rome's like, we got to get a new truck. We cut to John, who's emerging out of the river, out of the swamp. And he gets stopped by an officer. And the cop has at gunpoint.
01:30:35
Speaker
And he tries to arrest John. My wife! Yeah. And I wrote this to be funny. John reverses it. was a reversal.
01:30:47
Speaker
Yeah. And gets in the boat. Angela wants a diamond and roams like, yeah, we can work something out. so She just gets on top of him and starts trying to like fuck him. Yeah, he's like, click my shit, man. Yeah, we can work something out, Rome. Yeah. When in Rome, you know what i mean? When in fucking Rome was inside me.
01:31:05
Speaker
And I guess this is all a ploy to just steal up the bag of diamonds. And goes, you don't trust me, Rome. And then they decided need to get rid of the car because it's ah it's Van Buren's car. So they use this ploy where they have fucking Angela standing outside. She needs to get picked up. know mean?
01:31:21
Speaker
know mean? And basically this truck driver stops and she just shoots him in his head. And it's only the front part of the truck. It's not the back part. It's just a the the fucking head.
01:31:33
Speaker
Big head. All of a sudden it's nighttime. It's out of nowhere like an RKO. It's just fucking night. And it's, I don't know what at it's, Rita's Marina? Yeah. it It turned to Rita's marinade, which is disgusting. It's fucking gross.
01:31:51
Speaker
Why is Rita oozing like that, bro? Yeah. And Kate is fucking handcuffed this truck inside and she tries to choke out Rome, but it doesn't work. And Rome was trying to find the car that ah was left for him. And he's still like driving around this truck. And John jumps onto the back of the truck, kind of shimmies over and he throws Angela right at the fucking truck. And she goes through the glass window of a bus.
01:32:15
Speaker
Watch out for buses, bro. We'll get I mean, they'll hit you. Every movie, someone gets hit by a bus. That's what it is. Rome knocks John off the bus and then and then he drives into... What does this truck drive into? It's like oil cans that explode. It's so funny. it explosions It's a ridiculous explosion. Then Rome jumps out of the car and it's literally like there's a barn and there's just stacks of oil cans. like You go through one wall, then another wall, then another wall, and nothing's happened to this truck. It's just still driving. And then John is trying to chase after this truck, but Rome is like waiting with a fucking pipe that he fucking hits him in the shins with. He's literally trying to like...
01:32:52
Speaker
Chase a truck. Chase a truck. Like you're now there, you're the flash. The truck goes into this, into this swamp. Um, and then John fights Rome and some logs fall on John first, but John is not, they fall. Then John just falls over but there's no fucking logs on John. So I don't know. no Logs on John.
01:33:14
Speaker
John gets hit with a fucking sledgehammer. This not Triple H. This is from fucking Rome. Yeah. And then he tries to kill John with chainsaw, but he blocked with a wrench. Like, wow. They just watched like Motel Hell.
01:33:26
Speaker
Something like that. And then he sends, ah John sends Rome like a structural beam of this fucking shed. And these but more burning logs fall on on Rome.
01:33:38
Speaker
And then John dives into this river and frees Kate. And he does CPR like, oh, she's going to die. No, she doesn't die. And then there's weird like Friday the 13th thing where like he comes back for like literally a split second.
01:33:52
Speaker
And he's all like burnt too. And then John shakes him off. He's all burnt and shit. Looks like Two-Face. And then John like just shakes him off. He's like, I love you, bitch. And then I was thinking like, oh, they're going like reinstate as a Marine because of his heroism or whatever. And just nothing happens. No, they're still bad at him. It's just like credits, John Bonito.
01:34:12
Speaker
Fuck you. and John Benito. That's the movie.
01:34:19
Speaker
I wish I could not see this. This is horror. like This movie is pretty bad. It's pretty bad. I don't know where I'm at in a reading because I feel like it's somewhere between a two and a star and a half.
01:34:33
Speaker
The problem is for me, a star and a half is like movies I'm like mad about. like I'm actually mad at them. I'm not mad at them. It's just fucking stupid. Yeah. ah It's like, is it so bad it's good?
01:34:46
Speaker
No. No, right? No. You had a good time, but no. Maybe a one. i think a one. Give it a one. I might give it a two. Is that crazy?
01:34:57
Speaker
We got an average rating on a letterbox of 2.3. I'll probably give it a two. It's not the worst thing I've ever watched. It is silly and kind of stupid. And it is, I mean, i do got to give it a two because they just credit this guy as terrorist.
01:35:10
Speaker
It's just, I mean, that's, that's just too peak. It's just too funny. And then just the, I've seen enough sand. It's just very funny. Like he's Anakin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's seen enough sand in his life.
01:35:22
Speaker
They took his wife and now he's So this was supposed to be this was supposed to be our um ah Polar Express episode. which was This is way more tame than Polar Express. Yeah. That might never that will never come out. Unfortunately, we just I can't.
01:35:43
Speaker
We have the MP3 though. I cannot let that movie come out. That review come out to the public. We're just, it's not okay. So you're listening to this on December 29th. Happy birthday to my mom.
01:35:55
Speaker
Shout out mom. Shout out mom. And it's almost your birthday too. Yeah. So Tuesday, we're in January, bitch. We're in 2026. Officially is going to be the best of two guys, one screen. I'm pretty sure on the Santa Claus episode, I said that was coming out next week, but surprise, fuck face. You got a bonus episode.
01:36:15
Speaker
who hello So because this came out, we're now one episode closer than we previously were at the episode 100. You guys excited or what?
01:36:25
Speaker
And then we get to non-mean month. Get fucking ready, you fucking motherfuckers. Yeah, you black people. Brian. we Yeah, Brian does. That's all have to say about that. Shout out to John Cena.
01:36:39
Speaker
Big John. His fourth career, all-timer. You got to put John the Mount Rushmore, no? I mean, yeah, he's the never seen 17. That's what they're calling him. That's what it is.
01:36:51
Speaker
So that's really all I have to say. And we'll see you guys on Tuesday for the best of. Toodles. Fuck you, Mark. going to chokeslam you.