Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
BONUS! EP. 87 Thanksgiving (2023)
10 Plays1 day ago
Follow us on Instagram!
Our Tik Tok page is live!
Email the pod at 2guys1screenpod@gmail.com
Leave us a voicemail to be answered on the pod! 508-834-7847
Check out our Youtube Page for clips!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Inappropriate Humor
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:16
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, because I'm dad.
00:00:34
Speaker
want me to lick your bedpan, filthy skunk? We're just joking.
Thanksgiving Edition and Crude Jokes
00:00:42
Speaker
Everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes. Hello welcome to episode 87 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast. Gobble, gobble, cluck, cluck, Thanksgiving edition.
00:01:00
Speaker
Yeah, hope you're getting fucked while you're bent over a turkey. you know Yeah, I hope someone's sticking a turkey baster in your ass. Shout out to don't breathe, I guess. Yeah, but instead of ah butthole, it's cum.
00:01:12
Speaker
Yeah, straight cum in your ass. We'd love that for you. We are the hemorrhoid homies, the Poet Town boys. Diarrhea daddies. Probably not having diarrhea right now.
00:01:23
Speaker
um My roid is a little itchy, though. That's fair. And just like Gerald's hemorrhoid, we're back again or yeah for an episode on the movie Thanksgiving by Eli Roth.
00:01:37
Speaker
And... ah a little pull back the curtain. I did pull the audio from the first time we tried to record this episode. You were literally sick as fuck. Was I? You were ill.
00:01:49
Speaker
You were actually ill and you were like trying to make it happen. And we thought at that point that we could just do not a scene by scene. And then we just had nothing to say. Yeah. I don't know what we were thinking, huh?
00:02:01
Speaker
Yeah.
Thanksgiving Plans and Movie Introduction
00:02:02
Speaker
And I also remember hating this movie a lot more last time I watched it. Yeah. Yep. don't hate it that much. Don't hate it.
00:02:11
Speaker
No. um So yeah, that's what we're here to fucking do. I'm always so used doing the plug it in, but now they're in the middle. So you can listen to that when we get there and you can fucking like it. ah You got to work on Thanksgiving.
00:02:24
Speaker
No, I'm off. We're closed on the holidays. That's nice. Are you driving up? Or driving flying down? Can't drive up anymore. Flying down? One day off? Nope. Nope. I will just be here. What you see behind you, stroking my shit aggressively to turkeys.
00:02:40
Speaker
yeah
00:02:43
Speaker
one right I'm going to bring a turkey home and fuck it. Not a raw one. I mean, a raw one, yeah. Not a live one. I'm to fuck a turkey's neck hole because my cock's not that big.
00:02:53
Speaker
Yeah?
Movie 'Thanksgiving' Cast and Critique
00:02:54
Speaker
ah Man, I hope Dad lets me pull the neck out of the fucking turkey this year. You're going to fucking hold and be like, that's not right. no No, it's too thick, bro. Them shit's thick. My shit's too fucking...
00:03:05
Speaker
It's just my cock is just small, man. What else do you want from me? Yeah. Although I do work with this guy and I made a joke that he a big dick. And he's like, nah, man. He's like, you know how it is being Irish. And I was like, yeah, you're fucking right. I do. Yeah. That's how it is, right? Yeah. ah So this movie came out in 2023, if I'm not mistaken.
00:03:26
Speaker
You're correct. And I do think that I went saw it in theaters. I missed out. I remember tracking down back when Target sold movies. Yeah. I drove like 45 minutes just to get this movie on Blu-ray.
00:03:41
Speaker
And now you've watched it twice. So good for you. Three times. Oh, my initial time when we tried to record it last year. And this time. That is a W. i Yeah, sure. I guess.
Eli Roth's Works and Cast Analysis
00:03:54
Speaker
I also watched it when it first came out. Directed by Eli Roth, who made Hostile, which you and I just will disagree about, and that's fine. ah We watched Green Inferno together and Cabin Fever.
00:04:07
Speaker
Wow, look at that. I mean, look at us. Green Inferno is not great. He did that knock-knock movie with Keanu Reeves. Yeah, I thought you knew that, but it also is a 2.0 surprise. Oh, I guess this is a shit movie.
00:04:22
Speaker
Yeah, definitely, right? Yeah. um So anyway, that's Eli Roth for you. And we're going to go through the cast list. We're going to start with Patrick Dempsey, who plays Sheriff.
00:04:34
Speaker
Eric Newlin, not Newton. Newlin. I ain't fucking this guy. He's weird as fuck. Yeah, I mean, for all the Grayson Adonis. You know who this is? He's fucking it. He ain't fucking it.
00:04:46
Speaker
Shepard, the fucking love interest. Did the he ain't fucking it come in normal for you? Yes. It didn't for me. I just want to make sure. All right. We've been having, we're doing two recordings today, Keeper and this, and it's just been fucking weird. Yeah, it's just bad, bad technical issues. Every time we do this fucking, guys, every time we try and do this movie, nothing happens. This is the literal movie I pulled out that broke my movie shelf.
00:05:07
Speaker
I'm just saying. Broke my movie shelf. Yeah, I mean, it's unfortunate. This guy is in the stuff. Yes. You see that? Yes, he is. He's also in Scream 3.
00:05:18
Speaker
three three Which is just a rut row. I mean, he's kind of fucking bad, no? It's definitely the worst Scream that I've seen. Because I haven't seen the two newer ones. Well, 6 is good.
00:05:29
Speaker
No, 6 is shit and 5 is good. 5 is the ones that's just called Scream? Or is that four? No, that's Scream 4. All right, then five is just Scream, yeah.
00:05:41
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. i have that I like four and five. I don't like six. Because I have Scream 5 on Steelbook, and it just says Scream.
00:05:52
Speaker
Which we could have done Scream as a franchise for the podcast, but you guys chose Pirates, so that's what it is. just saying. Yeah. um next good but No mistake about it. We will do that movie.
00:06:05
Speaker
That franchise. Yeah, we will. We will. Next, we got Nell Verloc. I mean, she can get fucking rinsed, right? Oh, my God. Yeah. i've Except... She's got a big mole on her face. It's a little ugh for me, but...
In-Depth Movie Scene Analysis
00:06:22
Speaker
Oh, really?
00:06:23
Speaker
you' You like moles? I mean, that one I can get. No, I mean, the big one's... that You dirt digger? What? Thirt digger. Bowls. She's getting fucked big. Next we got Addison Rae who plays Gabby. Isn't she like, um she's an influencer from TikTok. Yeah, some social media bitch.
00:06:42
Speaker
She's Gabby. She's still getting fucked now. Yeah, she's hot.
00:06:49
Speaker
Next, we got Milo Manheim, who plays Ryan. I really didn't fuck with this guy at all. He gives some really, really weird energy. Yeah, he reminds me of that. Have you ever watched Wizards of Waverly Place?
00:07:01
Speaker
Yeah, the brother. Yeah, he looks like a little bit, but less he's a little more weird. I don't like him. ah Next, we have Jalen Thomas Brooks, who plays Bobby.
00:07:14
Speaker
I mean, this kid i probably also isn't getting fucked. ah He is? I was saying no. What are you saying? Oh, no. I do like his little Jufro curly thing that he's got going on looks like This is what I picture people in Alaska look like.
00:07:30
Speaker
but Brown and curly hair. He looks like Eskimo. Yeah, he looks like action. He looks like one of the characters from Ice Age. The first one. Okay, yeah. Yeah.
00:07:45
Speaker
I want to keep going on this list because we got Tommaso Cinelli who plays Evan Fletcher. I think he was supposed to be comedic relief, but it just wasn't that funny. No. And I'm not fucking him either.
00:07:57
Speaker
I thought he cute kid. He ain't fucking of age. We don't know. Any these people of age, we actually don't know. We've just done this whole thing and have no idea. yeah They gotta to be. We're gonna abstain.
00:08:07
Speaker
Okay, so Jenna Warren plays Yulia. I mean, she's kind of like silly in the movie. I've seen this bitch in porn, bro. I've seen like a thousand bitches that look like her. Fucking stupid bitch ass.
00:08:20
Speaker
ah
00:08:26
Speaker
Next we got... Gabriel Davenport,
Thanksgiving Traditions and Plot Critique
00:08:29
Speaker
who plays scuba diving. That's his name, no? it's called Yeah, it's Claude Diving, so they call him scuba. Yeah, for scuba diving. And I don't think he's getting fucked, though. I mean, are you?
00:08:42
Speaker
No, for a black guy, he's cute, I guess. but Yeah, mean, for a me-up. Yeah, yeah is Next, we got Ty Olsen, who plays Mitch Collins. Who the fuck is Mitch Collins? He's the guy who gets called into work at the beginning of the movie. And he has the beard and he's fat. He looks nothing like this dude.
00:09:03
Speaker
Oh, okay. Oh, that's him? Yeah, but I mean... um Next, we got Gina Gershon, who plays Amanda Collins. she I mean, she could get fucked, no?
00:09:14
Speaker
Damn, she was in Bound. She's definitely getting fucked. She's hot as hell in Bound. Oh, she the one that fucks Jennifer Tilly? Yes. I mean, memory unlocked. My penis is erect. Okay. I still need to watch that movie. She's fucking great.
00:09:31
Speaker
ah Next, we have Karen Cliche. That's a little cliche, right? That's you spell it? It's got to be. It's not Clitch. oop Who plays Kathleen? Must be Kathleen.
00:09:42
Speaker
um Wow, I didn't think about that. Shout out to Young Gravy. Shout out to Snow Cougar. Yeah. It's not loud enough. Must be Kathleen. There we go. it's good Best album of all time.
00:09:55
Speaker
It really is. No skips. We got Rick Hoffman, who plays Thomas Wright. This guy looks fucking weird as shit, and I don't like him. don't like this guy. Nope. Yes, that's where I know him from.
00:10:07
Speaker
He's in Hostel. Hostel! He's the one guy that like, he's talking to the main dude. He's like, yeah, yeah. You into killing? Yeah, me too. Here's my business card.
00:10:20
Speaker
ah Who else we got in here? Where is that fucking?
00:10:26
Speaker
I got a notification that from letterbox saying 10 movies that pair well with Tenebrae. I don't fucking like Tenebrae. Stop it. I just wanted to shout out Amanda Baker who plays the Lizzie. She's the waitress.
00:10:39
Speaker
The diner waitress. She's that fucking crazy bitch. She's crazy. um no Oh, and we have to shout out my fucking I mean, he's not my boy, but he's great. Tim Dillon. He's a very famous comedian. He plays a security guard, Manny.
00:10:53
Speaker
ah He's one that has a cat and gets murdered. He's a very famous comedian. and He's hilarious. He's in Joker Foley Adieu. Yeah, he's a security guard. Joker Foley Adieu for about three seconds. That's all he can do. Okay. Security guard.
00:11:04
Speaker
Yeah, he's just police officer, security guard. And it was funny. Hilarious. Very funny. And the funniest part about him being in Joker Foley Adieu is that afterwards he would be like on his own podcast or other people's podcast publicly shitting on a movie he was in.
00:11:18
Speaker
He's like Joker Floyd. He's one of the worst movies of all time. And we agree. We do agree. We do agree. So, uh, should we shout anybody else in this cast list or we're good? No. Cause Joe, Joe Delphine plays McCarty. He's kind of a kid, right?
00:11:34
Speaker
Oh yeah. Like local gun, drug, alcohol dealer. Yeah. Um, and the cat even has a credit tonic who plays Dewey ah shout out cat. That was a cute cat. Shout out cat. It's in pet cemetery. It's probably fucking dies in that movie, huh?
00:11:48
Speaker
Oh yeah, probably. Uh, we can't reveal who the killer is cause that'll spoil it. I call him in the notes carver. So, Hey, what it is. Yeah. Um, carve me, babe. I want carve you big.
00:12:03
Speaker
I'm just scrolling to the top. So if you're new to this podcast, we do scene by scenes. Um, ah So what we're going to right now. This is Thanksgiving of 2023. I've already said that. I'm starting to talk too much. But you're going to be hearing this Thanksgiving of 2025. Yeah. Yeah, you are. And Thanksgiving 2 is still not out yet. else we're going to sitting here reviewing Thanksgiving 2. I'm not too sure why there's a sequel coming.
00:12:30
Speaker
Because they couldn't find the body. I know. Dude, the fucking building's up in flames. Everything's ashes. No body. He wasn't a fucking Jew. He didn't burn in the oven. Yeah.
00:12:41
Speaker
That's a rock row. so Not no. please Um, anyways, so it's a P you're in a POV and a big Halloween vibes. No, the opening literally thought that I'm like, do i ro tell me more that you like horror movies. Yeah. You know, tell me more, babe. Uh, and it's this fucking person approaching a door and, uh, it's, uh, Sheriff Eric.
00:13:05
Speaker
Uh, and I'll be honest with you. I could not figure out the connection to Eric and, uh, What the fuck's her name? I thought he was his wife, but he's he's her sister.
00:13:16
Speaker
ah The one that gets murdered or the one that gets murdered? The one that the one that gets murdered, yeah. Amanda. Amanda's his sister. The blonde.
00:13:28
Speaker
Brunette.
00:13:30
Speaker
No, because he's trying to fuck her. No, but she's married to Mitch. Amanda Collins, this bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, but I guess spoiler for the fucking movie. At the end, when he like reveals his big scheme, he's like, she's pregnant, but with Mitch's kid, not with his kid.
00:13:47
Speaker
Right. But like he wanted to be with her. He was like, Mitch was going to leave her for me.
00:13:54
Speaker
Mitch was going to leave her for me? gay couple? ah No, no, sorry.
Technical Issues and Scene Humor
00:13:59
Speaker
She was going to leave. She was the bottom. I was looking for. She was going to leave Mitch for him. surprised.
00:14:13
Speaker
No, i well, they have the same last name. I'm almost positive. But hold on just one second. It's Mitch Collins and Amanda Collins, right? so Right. not Not James and John Kana.
00:14:24
Speaker
Kana, right. And then this guy's name is Eric Newlin.
00:14:31
Speaker
So Gina... Googling lore.
00:14:39
Speaker
because he walk Because he walks in the room in the in this fucking house and he's like, yo, I'm single. And she's like, oh you won't be pretty soon. That's right, because she's going to leave Mitch to fuck him.
00:14:51
Speaker
But what? I guess they're married.
00:14:56
Speaker
That makes sense. They're married. She's going to leave her husband for him. Yeah. And she just took his last name. I guess so. Yeah. Can you do that? Yeah. Yes.
00:15:07
Speaker
Um, so can matter yeah, it doesn't, I was just, I'm just, I was kind of confused about this family tree they have going on here. It's really incestual. Because the whole point that everything happened was because... He lost his Prager wife.
00:15:22
Speaker
Yeah. In about five minutes. His Prager fiance. Side piece. Well, if that's true, that movie's fucking stupid. Because it's even a woman that fucking loved you. it's just like... Anyways.
00:15:34
Speaker
um They're all this family dinner. It's Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving Day night. But also, are we cutting back and forth between where he's at and then where Jessica's at her family? Is it two different houses?
00:15:48
Speaker
um I thought it was the same house. yeah But do they do they know Mitch, though? They have to know Mitch. He's got it there. Mitch is there.
00:16:01
Speaker
Mitch is there. He has to go. All right, so my question is, is Jessica and her father also in the same house with them? Yeah, he's at the head of the table. Okay. I thought for a minute... Movies... I've made this more con confused than it needs to be. Okay, but no because now you're no, because now you're making a good point because it doesn't make sense. Because Mitch has to be security.
00:16:22
Speaker
Later in the film, they go, he was sitting in his mansion. Which he pulled... which This guy walks up to a house. Yeah, not a mansion. you know Maybe they're at Mitch's house.
00:16:33
Speaker
Yeah, but he still says that Thomas, Jessica's father, was in his mansion. But I could have sworn he was at the table. But then that also doesn't make sense because Mitch works at the store, works security.
00:16:46
Speaker
I don't fucking know. You what's beautiful about technology is I can pull this movie up or on my computer and watch it. Oh yeah, because you got my Digi. Thanks to Digi, by the way.
00:16:57
Speaker
Yeah, no problem. Not for me. Where's my shit? I'm surprised it's surprised it worked. It's old. i don't know why you're surprised. it's Codes that are years old have always worked for me the entirety of our friendship, and you're still surprised. I am, yeah.
00:17:11
Speaker
Okay, we're I'm playing it on my computer right now. This is technically pirating. no it's not. They can hear it. and I can't hear it. It's not playing yet.
00:17:28
Speaker
Yeah, see, here's Eric. Yeah, saying...
00:17:35
Speaker
Right. Cut that. Yo, for Patreon, we could do watch-alongs. Yeah, we just have no following, so that's just a problem.
00:17:45
Speaker
So this is very clearly not a mansion. He walks into the house. I'm giving you... should I just watch the movie and give the... That's what I'm saying. That's what like watch along coming from. And there's Amanda. There's Amanda, right? And then Mitch has to take a phone call. He gives her the pie because he wants the cream pie her. The table's behind him and no but and they're not there.
00:18:04
Speaker
There's nobody sitting right now. It's just old people. No, can confirm they're in a completely different house. I'll cut to the... the other place? Yes. Yep. So they they he she introduces her to to her parents.
00:18:18
Speaker
And then we're in a completely different house. They are not there. The the background is like a mansion. Yes. We cut to a brand new a brand new house. Okay. We cut to a mansion. Okay.
00:18:29
Speaker
And ah there's this family sitting down to eat. We meet Jess who sits down and her stepmom, her not real mom, Kathleen, must be Kathleen, mentioned that she's not dressed properly enough. And she's like, shut the fuck up. bitch uh and lot of white girl energy in this movie basically she married she's trying to get with thomas because thomas owns this right mart walmart ripoff uh store makes a lot of money yeah and and he's decided he's going to open it on thanksgiving at six o'clock to get ahead of the black friday sale but don't most stores do that anyway
00:19:07
Speaker
Yeah, they do. But I mean, they're they're in Plymouth, Massachusetts, which I can tell you not much is going on there. You know, from living to Massachusetts, there's just not much going on there. Is that where the Mayflower landed? Plymouth Rock is where the Pilgrims ended up. Yeah. Something like that.
00:19:20
Speaker
Yeah. You know, really leans into his um American history. Eli Roth. ah I wasn't talking about you. i was talking about Eli Roth. No, yeah, no. There's just not much going on there. You what mean? like Boston's where it's at.
00:19:33
Speaker
Fuck all you posers. All right. Well, even like during the parade, it has the Boston circus. So like they don't even care about themselves. um So again, her real dad is Thomas.
00:19:46
Speaker
And she's dating this kid, Bobby, who is an Eskimo.
Black Friday Chaos and Friend Dynamics
00:19:49
Speaker
And then it cuts back to the other house. That's why it's confusing. where mitch is Where Mitch is at.
00:19:57
Speaker
And Mitch gets called in into work at Reitemart. um And we cut to Reitemart. And they do this really well. This is very reminiscent of the opening of Krampus. if you remember that yes it's just highlighting how fucking psychotic people like to go buy shit on right black friday like it's you know it's a parody and you know black friday ah probably eight or nine years ago when you and i went to that mall was the last time that mall had any kind of volume that's very true it's been a ghost town also now stores are doing black friday sales like this week yeah the whole week like wild
00:20:32
Speaker
It's kind of crazy out there. And you can get the same deals online. So just fucking buy everything online. Yeah. Just sit on your fucking couch while you eat your fucking stuffing. Okay. um fucking speed All right.
00:20:44
Speaker
um So the big thing with Reitmark is that you buy some shit, you get a free waffle iron. People are freaking the fuck out about this waffle iron thing. You'll get your fucking waffle iron.
00:20:55
Speaker
Uh, Jesse and Bobby, they go leave to meet up with some friends who pull up to pick them up. And, uh, we meet the cast of characters that are their friends. Bobby is a really cringe shit. By the way, Bobby is a, ah baseball pitcher. Uh, and then there's, they're all like couples, right? So there's fucking Bobby and Jess.
00:21:16
Speaker
Uh, there's Evan and his girlfriend. I think she's Gabby. Pretty sure. Yes. And then there's and and fucking Scooby Snacks.
00:21:27
Speaker
BTN. Yeah. His name. And Yulia. Got scuba diver and Yulia. Yulia. I'm just saying. yeah of course Of course, like the blonde-haired, blue-eyes bitch is going for the big black guy, right? Yeah. I mean, he should have been dating a big, fat white woman. That's what he should have been dating. Yeah. yeah um So they all get in this car, and Evan is driving, and he wants to stop at the right mark to a new phone.
00:21:51
Speaker
Because he broke his during a fight. With a kid from Hanover, which is a town or city, one of the two with Massachusetts. Right. And not Hannaford's, the grocery store. But shout out to Hannaford's. Right.
00:22:03
Speaker
um And they all are going to go in the store. And Bobby's like, nah, I want to go. And Jess is like, please, I'll suck your dick. And he's like, all right, I'll go.
00:22:14
Speaker
and as he's walking, kids stop him because he kind of has like some clout in high school but that he's like a famous pitcher. Um, so she runs into Ryan, who's this fucking creepy guy who wants to date her.
00:22:26
Speaker
He's trying to fuck big. And he's like, oh, I heard you're going suck Bobby's cock. Will you suck mine Please? it Uh, and Bobby walks over. He don't fucking like Ryan talking to her. Hey, we got to go.
00:22:40
Speaker
Then, see I wrote, Eric pulls up with his wife because I didn't know what who should the fuck she was to him. either He's either her his wife or, ah I mean, they pull up together this fucking place, right? And she leaves Mitch.
00:22:52
Speaker
Right. Fuck Mitch, right? So, yeah, Mitch is in the movie for 30 fucking seconds, and they all act like, oh, it's got to be Mitch is the killer. Spoiler up Mitch is the killer. He's not the movie long enough. Right.
00:23:04
Speaker
um There's red herrings everywhere. By the way, this is a whodunit movie, and when you just when you make a whodunit, you got to compete with Knives Out and Scream, okay? That's your competition, Eli.
00:23:14
Speaker
This is what it is. But when I did watch the movie, it came out of left field and not for a good reason. What came out of left field? Who the killer was. Oh. Uh.
00:23:27
Speaker
So, uh, this group of friends, they all go in the employee entrance because Mitch works at fucking the store. Well, and like fucking Jess's dad owns the store. so Yeah. She could probably just fucking walk in.
00:23:38
Speaker
Yeah. They also don't know Mitch because it's not, they weren't in the same house five minutes ago. i just can't remember that. Yeah. o Uh, so the crowd, uh, riots because, ah the Hanover kid sees Evan go into the store. And I think the Hanover kid's name Evan.
00:23:57
Speaker
Evan sees Eric go in the store. And he's like, hey, we have unfinished business. Fuck you. lot of fucks getting thrown around. And there's that Lizzie girl. She's like the the diner waitress and she's acting like a fucking it psychopath. And she's like, why the fuck are they in there? You suck my cack.
00:24:14
Speaker
You know what I mean? i just that That Boston accent. So you got Tim Dillon and this other fucking guy, this not mean, trying to like maintain the security barrier, but it obviously doesn't work. And they knock over the security security barrier and run to the doors.
00:24:29
Speaker
The doors are locked and they send the Namin BTN security guard to go unlock it. And um they break, they shower the glass. I was going to get the sound effect, but I also have another button. So I just, I couldn't fit them all.
00:24:43
Speaker
Oh, and stop for that yeah, we talked about glass showering a lot and it probably be a cool sound effect to have on the podcast, but yeah, you know what? I didn't get it. Right. Oh, it's okay. Okay.
00:24:53
Speaker
He gets fucking trampled. Tim Dillon runs off because he's a coward. um And then we see... i wrote Eric's wife. I don't know. We watch this fucking lady get
Thanksgiving Humor and Scene Breakdown
00:25:05
Speaker
trampled.
00:25:06
Speaker
um And then i wrote Evan, which is not his fucking name.
00:25:13
Speaker
Evan is his name. What's the kid's name who's from Hanover? Maybe that's Eric.
00:25:19
Speaker
Yeah. No, Eric's a sheriff. Oh, fuck. I mean, I'm butchering this scene by scene. No pun intended. It's not Doug. Doug's dead. Doug is dead. Yeah. Shout out to Ragnarok. I didn't get. Oh, no, not Chad.
00:25:35
Speaker
chad Chad would be a good name for him. was reading Chad was reading the the poem.
00:25:43
Speaker
all Alright, so they came from Hanover Seas, and Evan, who is like their friend, is videoing all this shit. And this guy, he's trying to run inside the building, and he cuts his fucking like jugular on a shard of glass in the doorway. He's fucking idiot.
00:25:57
Speaker
One thing I will say about this movie, props, it's all practical effects. It really is. Shout to Eli Roth. he knows He knows how to do it. that Honestly, the kills save the movie. That's just how it is. Some of them aren't realistic, but yes.
00:26:11
Speaker
Uh... They see the the BTN security guard. He's still alive. So Bobby wants to try to save him. And he tries to crawl over. And his arm gets fucking sent backwards like fucking Cam Scatibo's fucking leg, dude. I mean, it was fucking gross.
00:26:27
Speaker
Crushed. And then I wrote Mitch's wife. i don't Mitch's lover. mitch's The lady Mitch is having an affair with. She's taking a cart to the face. and She's like on all fours and she just can't get up. She's acting like fucking Velma if she couldn't find her glasses. But guess what? Her glasses on her fucking face. So stand up, bitch.
00:26:47
Speaker
Just get up. Just stand Her hair gets like caught in the wheel of the fat bitch's cart. And then she gets scalped.
00:26:57
Speaker
But not like a wheelchair, like a push cart. Push cart, yeah. But somehow she walk. Somehow she dies from just this. yeah she Her brain is exposed. she gets I wrote she gets partially scalped.
00:27:09
Speaker
It's not full scalping. No Native Americans here. Even though we are talking about Thanksgiving. We are talking about Thanksgiving and we did kill all the Native Americans. That's fucked up. Yeah, because, you know. I mean, I can't. Yeah.
00:27:24
Speaker
yeah that is Yeah. It's their land. Come back, babies. Come back. Babies. I fucking love Native American people, dude. They're cool. Yeah, they look like Bobby. Right. I am girl who sucks cock. Like, they got cool names. Yeah, cock suck.
00:27:39
Speaker
Girl who sits on dick. like yeah Yeah, I am chief cock writer. Yeah. ah
00:27:48
Speaker
ah Right. right ah So anyways, bubbles with semen. That's me. Bubble blower. yeah And not those kind of bubbles. You know what yeah you fuck but Yeah. Yeah. They're fucking blowing bubbles and chewing it up like gum, but it's cum.
00:28:04
Speaker
You know what I mean? Yeah. yeah all right ABC gum already been came. yeah. Oh,
00:28:16
Speaker
ah So anyways, I guess she's dead because she got scalped. All right. So the title card hits and then one year later and we see the some fucking really shitty video Evan made.
00:28:29
Speaker
Of the that night, and he put on YouTube. um And there's this guy who is the killer watching it. And then we see the town protesting at Right Mart.
00:28:41
Speaker
and We hear a news guy say that Bobby's arm is fucked up, and no one's heard from him since. And by that... They're also saying that it's a career ending injury. And then he's walking around normal after that, right? Walking normally. He's like, yeah, rehab's going good. I'm about to be throwing again.
00:28:55
Speaker
Yeah. Well, no one's hurt from So they can just probably whatever the fuck they want. Right. True. And they also say here that the security cams were broken. So there's that. And Mitch is pissed.
00:29:06
Speaker
They weren't broken when I got there. Right. Right. We cut to Lizzie and she's a ah waitress at at this diner. And she's serving the sheriff some coffee when the new deputy walks in.
00:29:20
Speaker
ah Right. Lizzie is the bitch whose cart that other bitches hair got caught. Yeah. Lizzie, Lizzie, you know, if if this lady who's a slut that's pregnant was a European landing on the Mayflower, Lizzie's a fucking Native American. She scalped that bitch. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. um We can just call them scalper and scalpy.
00:29:42
Speaker
Okay, that works. ah And then, you know, they are talking about, I wrote this weird, and I don't know what I wrote. ah But there's the big, there's the big John Cava, you know, the the fair festival.
00:29:59
Speaker
It's facking John Carver. These fucking white Irish fucks over here. are Is that like real? all actually talk like that? Yes. Is there a John Carver festival? I don't know because I don't live in the fucking
Father-Daughter Dynamics and Plot Inconsistencies
00:30:14
Speaker
boonies. Well, I know. I'm just saying, is that like i live in a fucking city. I was wondering if the accent was stereotypical or if it's like real. No, people talk like that big. Yeah.
00:30:22
Speaker
Yeah. You want to fuck my ass? You want to fuck my ass? wearing the John Carver mask. John Carver. Yeah, that's they talk, ah Havid. They do talk like... i have There's a guy. I can't say his name. mean, his name is Mike, but every fucking white guy in Boston is named Mike, so it's fine.
00:30:39
Speaker
But he talks like that big. can't stand that yeah what's worse that or new york but i mean i'm a new yorker boston's worse for sure yeah obviously they're almost the same but boston's like a little more aggressive with that but all three that there and then new york and philly are all kind of close very close yeah very close it just goes like o or ah you know i mean you just gotta pick your side um
00:31:06
Speaker
they're having an affair and we see that Jess, she's walking with either Yulia or Gabby and they keep getting tagged in these weird videos or pictures saying the table is set.
00:31:17
Speaker
ah Yeah, follow us on Instagram at John Carver. At the real John Carver. Yeah, oh, the real John Carver. Please stand up. ah Jess has to go be in her father's Rightmark commercial that they're filming at the John Carver house.
00:31:33
Speaker
ah And she's fucking pissed because Kathleen is going to be in it. Must be Kathleen. ah You're not my mom. My fucking mom? Just because you suck my daddy's cock doesn't mean anything. your step mom step bro Yeah, know what I mean? You got fucking bald hair.
00:31:49
Speaker
You probably got fat pussy lip too, don't you, bitch? Stepmom gets absolutely penetrated by real dad. By real dad. don't yeah know.
00:32:00
Speaker
Daddy's stepmom's muff with muffler on. got that fucking mustache on him.
00:32:07
Speaker
yeah Dad gets stepmom's pussy juice stuck in big ass mustache. Yeah. Part one. Yeah. Part one? What happens to part two? You gotta subscribe.
00:32:19
Speaker
Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. it's like It's like those porn videos that fade out right before the cum shot. And it's like, check out our website. It's like, fuck, man. Yeah. watching that. I'm like, no, if I put my credit card information there, I'm going to get scammed. For sure.
00:32:33
Speaker
So that's why you go on a really creepy website to get the full vid. Speaking of scams, ah about a year ago, I went to Italy. You can listen to our podcast, whatever episode episode that was. It was around fucking October.
00:32:46
Speaker
ah i think it was a Joker episode, actually. Hmm. But... We rented a car there that I drove. i got like an ah international driving license to do it. Do they drive on the left side? or They drive on the, I'm going to say the correct side of the road. Okay. Yeah. um What side's the wheel on?
00:33:06
Speaker
there The left side? Our side? Yeah, our side. Okay. yeah the The wheel on in America is on the left side, right? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, it is. So it's just the UK that's fucked. Yeah, fucking idiots, isn't it? Harry. Carver.
00:33:19
Speaker
Carver. They got a lot of fucking curry over there. ah So anyways, I got in the mail literally today. It's been like, oh, not not today. A couple days ago. It's been like literally a fucking year. I got a ticket for driving in Italy.
00:33:33
Speaker
And I'm wondering if it's fake. It's been over a year, but they have the date. And I'm like, that's probably the date that I was driving that car. Wow. But like it took a year. What'd you get a ticket for?
00:33:45
Speaker
It said driving in a restricted area. What do they even mean? How would they even know? I use Google Maps. Right? Yeah. So what what what ah what currency do they use over there?
00:33:56
Speaker
The patent. Oh, wow. The euro. In Italy? I literally almost had the peso. rat old So did the bill come in euros? or Yeah, it's in fucking euros. Yeah. Be like, wow, now I got to do the fucking conversion to send you people money? Yeah, and it's like fucking four digits. I'm not paying it!
00:34:13
Speaker
Four digits? they're not gonna I'm not getting extradited for a fucking traffic ticket. They can fuck themselves. Yeah, fuck you, dude. ah Anyways, I think it might be fake. I'm not sure. ah So they go in this house the the John Cava house, and it's been vandalized, and there's an axe missing.
00:34:31
Speaker
Wonder where that axe is. So they're all fucking... The dad's all pissed, and jets Jess sits with her dad, and she's like, Listen, Dad, like you know you really should close the store. It's not okay. You know what happened last year, right, Dad? Yeah.
00:34:45
Speaker
Yeah, and he's just like, if I fucking keep it open, I can buy your fucking stepmom that Douglas you always wanted. Yeah, she can leave me alone so I can do business. Yeah. um
00:34:58
Speaker
He doesn't really want to hear it. And then we cut to Ryan. um And we find out that he's now dating Jess. This has always rubbed me the wrong way ever since...
00:35:11
Speaker
like this, I've seen it, is like, you act like you thought this guy was weird for a long time. Your boyfriend leaves you, and within a year, you're dating a guy you called weird the whole time. So it's like, were you fucking him on the side?
00:35:24
Speaker
Like, what was going on there? It's just weird vibes. Maybe she was, like, down bad? He's a rebound, for sure. He's a rebound, but, like, I get, like, a rebound fucking, like, you're dating now? Yeah, like, yeah.
00:35:37
Speaker
yeah like yeah Like, you're, like, in it. It's just sus to be, to, like, outly outwardly call a guy sus. And be like, oh, he's fucking weird. like that kid. And then, like, you're dating him.
00:35:49
Speaker
That's, like, some fifth grade shit. You know what mean? Yeah, no, you're right. Like, being an adult. That's, but the entire... go ahead. All the dialogue in this movie is cringe as it is. Like, super cringe. Sure.
00:36:02
Speaker
ah They literally say fuck around and find out, so... I mean, i'd still say fuck around fine. Oh, no, I still say it. But like it it felt like Eli Roth trying to be like hip with the kids. I always forget, too, that this movie, the kids are supposed to be in high school and they look our age. So I don't I don't know.
00:36:20
Speaker
Well, they were probably all in their 20s when they filmed it. So, yeah, it's like ah it's offsetting. Yeah. ah Off putting anyways. So I'll say they're dating. Yeah, they're dating. Which one of those fucking guys died?
00:36:34
Speaker
Oh, the one that no one cared about. Offset, input. What is it? ah No, takeoff. Takeoff. Not touchdown. No, it he wasn't landing. Yeah. Nope. Well, he landed six feet under. Did you cut that? I don't know. No, probably not.
00:36:52
Speaker
It's a right. We still got Quavo. By the way, i just want to say this really quickly. if I forgot to say this. I just wanted to say it. I'm sorry. We... we Literally are sitting here going, I don't know if we can put out Pwner Express. And I watched a comedy special. And I'm not, by no means am I saying
Inappropriate Comedy and Societal Norms
00:37:09
Speaker
it's not okay. I'm not trying to call this guy out. I'm not trying to, i' I'm just, I just want to state a fact, okay? Just a literal fact.
00:37:15
Speaker
There's a comedian out there. His name is Louis J. Gomez. He's very funny. I've always been supportive of his comedy. He put out a comedy special. I go, want to watch this, right? He's doing a bit, which is like trying to explain that men are more chill. and Like can just like kind of walk up to another guy and like, Hey, what's up, man? Like are way cooler than girls.
00:37:35
Speaker
He, I mean, unless it was staged, I don't know, but he calls, like he goes, i'm gonna prove to you right now. He calls a guy up from the audience and, He goes, man, what's your name? He's like, I'm Brian or whatever. It wasn't, it wasn't me. I just thought of a name. It happening. It happened to be Brian.
00:37:50
Speaker
um And he goes, all right, watch this. And he just grabs his dick like straight up on stage, grabs his dick. And he's like, see, he's fine, man. The guy's just kind of like, ah you know, he's like, come on, grab my dick.
00:38:04
Speaker
Does he? Yeah. I'll send it to you. I'm not making this up. I'm not making this up. Imagine getting sexually assaulted on stage and then proceeding to sexually assault the person who sexually assaulted you. And then it's on YouTube and has millions of views. Imagine that. Yeah. Wow. What year did this come out?
00:38:19
Speaker
It just came out. it This just happened. think it's going canceled.
00:38:27
Speaker
Louis J Gomez, you're making this worse. It came out two weeks ago. has 152,000 already.
00:38:34
Speaker
Literally just grabs a guy's cock. I'm not even lying to you. I mean, comedy has no bounds, but that... I don't just saying, like, we're sus about putting out Pwner, and then that? Sure. It's wild.
00:38:47
Speaker
ours wasn't Ours is about kids. Fake kids. Sure, fake kids. They're not real. He really grabbed a guy's cock. We're just talking about grabbing cock. Yeah.
00:38:58
Speaker
It's theoretical. Yeah, theoretical. I'm not saying I've, like, changed... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just how it is.
00:39:11
Speaker
I'm not saying I've changed my mind. just saying there's just some wild shit going on out there. That's all. Oh, yeah. I feel like the internet's getting like as people get more la people get more PC. So the internet gets even crazier. Yeah, that's all. I'm just saying like we do like That's 152,000 views and nothing's happened to this guy.
00:39:31
Speaker
Right. And we get like 20. He grabbed the guy's cock he didn't know. Right. Um, it made me uncomfortable. Not much makes me uncomfortable, but that I was like, well, that's kind of fucking odd.
00:39:42
Speaker
Yeah. You probably, you know what? You should probably be in jail. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I just, okay. So either way. Um, I got molested on stage at a comedy show. Like,
00:39:55
Speaker
I'll never sit front row again. yeah All right. So we cut the diner and ah there's this, I forgot his name. I'm sorry. This kid's handing out, I think it's Jacob. Maybe he's handing out invite to the McCarty party.
00:40:10
Speaker
And McCarty is what we'd call like a super senior, just like never graduated, didn't do anything. i don't even think he's like still there. think he just hangs around. I know. That's what I mean. He just, he never graduated. He's just around. And he, for some reason is still hanging out with the high school, which is sus.
00:40:27
Speaker
Very, so you know, sus. And it's like, you know, if you graduate and you're not doing of your life, don't go back. Hang out. High school is just not how it works. Right. And he's also like selling alcohol to kids.
00:40:39
Speaker
Yes. And guns. And just throwing like house parties for kids at his house. Yes. No. No.
00:40:50
Speaker
So, uh, they all think that they see Bobby at the diner and then they get tagged at a weird post. The table is set. We've talked about this already. And, uh, Ryan pulls up and everyone in the group, which is just Evan and, you know, Scuba are like, he's kind of awkward. He's kind of weird. Uh, and Evan's like, he's an NPC, which is funny.
00:41:09
Speaker
That I did like NPCs pretty good. Um, um, We see Gabby stop the Lizzie, the waitress, and ask her to order. But she's like, you guys have to fucking wait. This isn't right, Mart.
00:41:20
Speaker
Which is hilarious. Because she was there. A year later, and you fucking still... And you killed someone. Yeah. You bitch. Bitch. um Ryan pulls out two tickets to the Pats game at the 50-yard line for Scuba and Evan to kind of like win over their...
00:41:39
Speaker
not affection, but likeness. be like Yeah, i know you don't I know you don't like me. i don't know I know you don't want me dating your friends, but here you go. Like, I'm porking this girl down, but here's some tickets.
00:41:49
Speaker
I'd go. I'd go, too. ah While we're talking, Jess thinks that she sees someone outside. She's kind of like just so staring off into the distance a little bit. It's literally like Halloween when Lori looks out and sees Michael standing there.
00:42:05
Speaker
Big Michael Myers. ah We cut and the killer is watching the the footage and he sees Lizzie's face. And we come back the diner. It's now night and she's closing up shop and she sees ah John Carver take his mask off.
00:42:22
Speaker
What? that That never happens. Not even once. So ignore that. ah She finds a John Carver mask. There you go. And throws it out. And she gets attacked by a guy in a John Carver mask.
00:42:38
Speaker
The John Carver. John Carver. He slices her hand and then dunks her in a ah sink. Which, by the way, if you were leaving, why is that sink still full of water? That's sus. Right. that ah would Would that be called a slop sink?
00:42:51
Speaker
It could have been the slop sink. Yeah, you're right. It's not. It didn't. It looked a little too deep. Our kitchen sinks deep like that. Yeah, but not slop sink. For washing dishes.
00:43:02
Speaker
You have like a three compartment sink. Oh, yeah. You got to rinse, wash, sanitize. Yeah, I think it's wash. I think it's wash, rinse, sanitize. I knew it was something. i think it's what it is.
00:43:13
Speaker
I pass food safety. I promise. We just had a health inspection. Yeah. yeah they always are dennis oh and he you know what you also fucking pissed me off about it too as he walked in he goes i'm not here to break your balls then get out yeah give us a passing grade and get the fuck out man right uh yeah of course that's good yeah i mean i get fired i would i would get fired if if he had to call if i had to call my boss and be like hey ah Failed health inspection. Didn't pass health inspection or clothes for a day or two. I'd be fired immediately.
00:43:49
Speaker
I
Character Actions and Plot Realism
00:43:50
Speaker
mean, yeah. that I mean... So she's in a three-bay sink and dunked big. And then he latches her face to the freezer door because it's wet and it freezes to the door. That would never happen. That wouldn't be instant.
00:44:02
Speaker
No, it's not how that works. Also, you open the door and all the hot air hitting that door would lower the temperature of the door to like... I mean... whatever it's a it's it's a slasher so you got to do creative kills sure and i appreciate doesn't die uh and then he uh carver grabs an axe to like kill her but she pulls her face off this is reminiscent of saw three there you go trapping saw three the guy has to reach through these frozen pipes to grab a key and he gets his fucking face stuck you ever get your stick stuck Yeah, all the time, actually. I got my got my dick stuck in a door hinge once.
00:44:36
Speaker
Dude, I couldn't. It was a piece of lint, but i couldn't get to black I couldn't get this black dot off my sack. And I was like, I have a tick. I convinced myself I had a tick because this fucking piece of lint would not come off my ball bag. Man, a tick on your sack? That'd be crazy. Yeah, I live in the city. There's no bugs.
00:44:52
Speaker
Right. You know? ah Right. Oh, man. That could get, like, in your seat. You're not having kids, but, like... He's had a Canadian. Oh, man. Oh, you could have had, us like, a Lyme's disease in your sack there, Bod. I've had Lyme's disease before.
00:45:06
Speaker
Me too. Well, you still have it, then. It never goes away. I love that. It's still inside me. I'm fucking horrid. That's how my brother almost died. Yeah, shout... I'm not shouting him out. No, i shout out... Then don't shout out whoever saved him. All right.
00:45:25
Speaker
So she runs into the office and she can't unlock her phone because it's smeared with blood. No face recognition. Also no face ID.
00:45:36
Speaker
Because her face is half off. Off the spray. That was in sync. She looks at the cameras in the office and sees the coast is somewhat clear. and She tries to escape out the back door and then she can't find her fucking car keys.
00:45:51
Speaker
ah And Carver is in her car already. How about that? and he how No, he stole her keys. Never mind. That going to how do you get in the car? Obviously stole her keys. yeah yeah She can't find her phone keys. He has. Right. Right. yeah Yeah. Makes sense. Yeah. You know, this kill bothers me a little bit.
00:46:07
Speaker
It's not ah logical, but it's. I don't like it. Basically, she goes to like dive in the dumpster, which what would that do for you? Yeah. um And she gets like halfway over because she's a fat fuck. And then the lid cuts her body in half.
00:46:22
Speaker
ah That, unless you got some metal lids or something, those bitches are plastic. No, you get bruised at the most. Right. You know? um And then and we see the next day, she, her lower half is placed on the star of the right mark logo.
00:46:38
Speaker
Like, how does that, like who, you know, he did it. I know he did it. He did it. I'm so proud of him. yeah
00:46:50
Speaker
I'm fucking proud um so So anyways, we cut. Evan stops Jacob. His fucking side plot's kind of silly. Like, who fucking cares about this? But whatever. He needs Jacob to write an essay for him.
00:47:06
Speaker
And ah I think they do this because... Jacob is wearing glasses and he typically doesn't. And Evan's like, why are you wearing those glasses? He's like, I had a late night, which is just kind of nice maybe he's the killer, but this kid's a fucking squeak. I mean, he's so tiny. He's not the killer.
00:47:22
Speaker
He's way too small. Um, Evan shows, uh, the friend group, their latest tag, which is a picture of this lady's lower half on the, uh, Walmart fucking, uh, logo. There's something about the prices have been slashed 50%. Yeah, they have been big.
00:47:42
Speaker
bye Because he fucking did it. I'm proud of I'm so proud of him. fucking proud him. He did it. Wow. Do you think Jao Car...
00:47:54
Speaker
would be like I'm so proud of him. i'm so proud of him Look at all the effort he put in. He's making something of himself. fucking car he fucking worked and carried that shit. Worked, bitch. Worked queen. Yeah, I mean, he dragged that fucking lady's fat ass up the fucking to the top of the store. then he used her intestines to like lower her down onto the star.
00:48:18
Speaker
Smart. And his hands didn't slip, which further proves my point that blood is not lube. that Right. Okay, that's fair. If he tried to lower and blood was lube, he'd be like, oh, fuck, she just falls his hands. He'd get rope burn with her intestines.
00:48:32
Speaker
That would be insane. Wild. um Especially if they were steamy like in Keeper. i don't know how they were even steamy. Yeah, neither do If your body temperature is 99 degrees. Yeah. 98.6 whatever on average Or what have you.
00:48:51
Speaker
You really did that. Yeah. I'll pride myself. yeah
00:48:59
Speaker
ah So anyways, we cut to the sheriff who is looking at the crime scene with I think we meet Detective Chu here. how oh And we see a video surveillance of the killer wearing a Carver mask. and And dude, I'm telling you, he gets off to this shit. They're like, Sheriff, we have a video, but he's wearing a mask and we can't see him. And you know, he just really did it.
00:49:24
Speaker
We just can't see it. And he's just like, oh, we can't. He's just fucking stroking it. I mean, he must love this shit. He's like, oh, everybody's wearing those masks. Oh, it could be anyone in this town. It could be fucking anybody. Oh,
00:49:39
Speaker
What if it's me? Oh, oh she's a star her ass. Oh, give her the gold star. You deserve it. Oh, you fucking did it. You did a gold star.
00:49:53
Speaker
I love that for you. Yeah. ah We cut to Jess's father who is still refusing to close the store because even though the killer really did that shit, they're not closing the store. Yeah, even though there's literally a half a body on top of the sign of the store. ain't closing it.
00:50:11
Speaker
Gotta keep it open. Yeah. How the cops allow that, first of all. You gotta keep it open. Well, never mind. I know how they keep it open. um And then I wrote Scoop with a not mean.
00:50:22
Speaker
ah He wants to send the killer a DM and they're like, no, relax. Jess almost gets run over by McCarty and he's like, I'll sell you guys some nickel. Sell you a gun.
00:50:33
Speaker
Protect yourselves. um And like, you can't do that. It's illegal. He's like, I know. So instead, I'll just sell you alcohol. How about that? That's probably a lesser charge, right? Potentially.
00:50:43
Speaker
We cut to Jess at the police station talking to the sheriff and detective Chu. And Chu said, Eric sends Chu out there. He goes, Chu, Chu, Chu, Chu.
00:50:56
Speaker
Get the fuck out of here. ah Get the out of my sight. Go get my fucking chopsticks, bitch. You dishonor your family. Get out. go build them and Go build me the next iPhone.
Cultural References and Character Motivations
00:51:07
Speaker
but ah What? The Chinese in the sweatshop. Yeah. All right. yeah all right Go build another great wall. What are you to do? Go fix the great wall. bet it's falling apart. That shit needs to be fixed.
00:51:18
Speaker
Yeah. That shit broke. So he sends Chu out and he tells Jess to do the right thing and tell him any kind of info she has. And he goes, listen, it'll just be between you and me.
00:51:32
Speaker
Okay. Don't worry. It's not getting out. I want to fuck you. Keep it confidential. Yeah. um And then she's like,
00:51:43
Speaker
what I mean, she, she, she nods at him, but I just, I just kind of improvised the, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. yeah but you like I love a man in uniform. Yeah. I mean, so she's already wet and then she walks outside and sees Bobby and there's just like a fucking tidal wave a squirt.
00:51:58
Speaker
Right. Her fucking Eskimo brother's back. look I'm going to fuck him and his Jew curls. Yeah, his Jerry curls. Is that what they're called?
00:52:14
Speaker
I think for black people, it's called Jerry curls. So what are they for a Jewish person? Just a Jew curl? Yeah. Yeah, don't think he's Jew. Probably not. He's an Eskimo. My Judar not going off. Judar?
00:52:25
Speaker
Judar? Yeah. um And she's like, I fucking saw you at the diner. Judar is actually my favorite martial art. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah, I prefer jujitsu.
00:52:36
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Bobby tries to apologize to Jess and says that he blamed her for what happened to him like a dick, which isn't, it's not even her fault. Not at all. um But he's rehabbing his arm.
00:52:49
Speaker
And I mean, he's getting ready to pitch. I mean, yeah his arm is probably healthy enough jerk himself to completion. Sure. And he wants her to pitch his tent. Big.
00:53:00
Speaker
um And he... This is kind of weird. He's like, so what's going on with you? Like, what's going on? Why you seem upset? And she's like... She tells him out the blue, she's like, well, Kathleen told me that she deleted all the footage that night. Must be Kathleen.
00:53:19
Speaker
And you know, the sheriff told me that I should tell him everything, so I did. And it's just like, why you telling Bobby this? Right. Bobby's like, shouldn't you be like still ah ah mad at him? Yeah. Um, so now she wants to go to her father's backup drive in the house and hack it and get all the footage.
00:53:35
Speaker
Yeah, I bet you want to get into your daddy's backup drive. Okay, and see, that's fucking crazy. You're like, daddy, back it up on me. Back that shit up, bitch. I'm gonna back up on daddy let him drive his cock in my ass.
00:53:48
Speaker
Yeah. Oh my god. Right, Mart? No, daddy. Hit the right spot. Yeah. Yeah.
00:53:59
Speaker
They're not kids. It's fine. Slash my ass 50%.
00:54:04
Speaker
What? ah Show me the blue light special. Yeah.
00:54:11
Speaker
So, I don't know. Ryan walks over and Bobby's like, this is Ryan. Yeah, hold on. This is coming up behind you. Watch out. And he kisses Jess right in the fucking lips or the cheek or whatever. And he's like, what the fuck is going on right now?
00:54:27
Speaker
Um, and then sheriff pulls, uh, Bobby into the office cause he's next. and Hey, don't be like that. Hey, don't be like that. right.
00:54:41
Speaker
Yeah. He's next. the Right. yeah No, I get it. You're next. Good movie. Shout out that movie. And, uh, We cut back to Timmy Dillon, who ah he's packing his shit. He's gonna go out of the country in his passport. He puts it down and then looks back and it's missing.
00:54:56
Speaker
Because I think they've they've come to the conclusion that everybody's dying because they were at the event. It's not safe. Well, he ran off like a fucking coward. Yeah, so why he... i get He's innocent.
00:55:09
Speaker
No, I mean, he did run off like a fucking bitch, though. What's he going to do with like 80,000 people coming at him Plug it well good time for an ad break hello you're now in an ad read yeah fuck you yeah that we're we're gerald's sick of regurgitating the same lines at the beginning and the end of the episode so here we are in the middle so here's one one nice ad read to check all our shit out plug it damn plug it
00:55:40
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com. Follow us on TikTok and YouTube.
00:55:52
Speaker
Follow us individually on Letterboxd. Send us a voicemail, 508-8, fist us. 508-8, dip tip, six minute limit, 12 body maximum.
00:56:04
Speaker
And then go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it? Available on the same page. Do you fucking want it or not? And before we end this ad read, shout out to Jackson Behavioral Health. All this will be linked in the description below.
00:56:22
Speaker
Click it and stick it. And now back to the episode. We're back. For you, it's been seconds. For us, it's been hours. ah So, Timmy's passport's missing. He's a door freak. And he comes back into the living room. And there's a carver mask on the couch.
00:56:40
Speaker
He pulls out a bag. He's like, let's go, motherfucker. I'm ready. I'm a security guard. ah He then gets stabbed kind of out of nowhere with an electric fucking slicer knife.
00:56:52
Speaker
With an electric carver. What movie did we do that had this? Evil Dead? Yeah, she's cutting her arm off. Oh, right. Yep. Yeah.
00:57:03
Speaker
um Then he decapitates Timmy with like a wire. they Yeah, like a piano wire or something. Yeah. And then he looks the cat and then decides I'll feed the cat.
00:57:17
Speaker
That's nice. dude You know, don't kill the animals. Redeeming makes you more likable. ah We cut the jazz. She's laying in her bed. and i mean her shit i mean, you could assume she's flicking her shit big, right? i mean, that's the time. It's nighttime laying my bed.
00:57:32
Speaker
all All dry. Let's make it wet. All dry. i got basic I basically got two boyfriends. Hold up, man. She's out here flicking her shit big. I'm a flick it left for fucking Bobby. I'm a flick it right for Ryan. It's like, it's like, it's like she loves me. She loves me not. Fucking clitoris. Yeah. Shout out. Fucking got a nice one on her. Shout to her fucking tight little clit.
00:58:00
Speaker
Yeah, man. Shit, you're fucking clit. Yeah. Shout out to all the clits out there. Yeah. Help Nick find it. Yeah. Oh, just me? Oh, you don't need help either? Huh?
00:58:12
Speaker
You and are like fucking Lewis and Clark. We're looking for fucking- We're exploring and trying to find the clit. Some women it's easier to find than others. Yeah, some women just got some fucking beefy shit hanging out. to be Yeah, I need that carver for your fucking Libias, bitch. I can't see.
00:58:28
Speaker
Yeah, that's why having the mustache helps. Kind of fucking, you know-
00:58:33
Speaker
like Like the fuck out paul fucking ball fucking with the mustache. Right. Okay. yeah It's like a sniffing. It's like a dog. It's like sniffing out the clit.
00:58:44
Speaker
So anyways, if you got fucking beef hanging down, let us know. Let us fucking know. We want to see it. So that's the picture. Measure it. Tell us how long it hangs. Yeah. And then I'm probably blocking you and and never seeing you in person.
00:58:55
Speaker
If it hangs longer than my sack, I will definitely fuck you. Right, because then... Your sack and her labias could be, like, smacking while you're fucking. Yeah, I mean, our children could have the longest labias or sacks ever. Right, it's like... yeah And or it could be intersacks, who knows. Right, it's like jacking the beanstalk. That shit never ends. Jacking my bean cock. Right, just fucking...
00:59:17
Speaker
climb me yeah i guess climb you bitch uh we cut the next morning and jess has been tagged in a picture with uh timmy's decapitated hair um we see the police and they think that he's hiding in cottage park uh due to some brick residue they found um and we see them start searching the park and basically from this point to the end of the film they're searching the park the whole time and they just never find them He keeps killing though.
00:59:45
Speaker
He does keep killing. We cut to Jess who is in her dad's office going through his fucking video surveillance system. and she's like, what the fuck is that?
00:59:55
Speaker
He got me flicking my shit. Wow. Dad has fucking security cameras in the bathroom. She's fucking watching herself flicker shit. I'm proud of him. um He did that.
01:00:05
Speaker
He fucking did it. He wants to see me flicking it. Um, So she sees a part where Ryan is saying, like, what's up to the security guard who got trampled. He's dapping him up.
01:00:18
Speaker
And she prints that shit out. ah Dad walks in and dad's like, look, I'm really sorry, but I do get off to you flicking your shit. And then she hugs him. Yeah, then she hugs him. She's like, thanks, dad.
01:00:32
Speaker
And he's like, girl, you really flicked that shit. Yeah, you probably. You watch the Pirates of the Caribbean, girl. You think after Elizabeth or what? You're shit inflamed because my tongue got that antiseptic.
01:00:45
Speaker
No way. That'd be crazy. You're talking about antiseptic abilities. um But he's basically, he's like, listen, after your mom died, I was really alone. So I needed something to beat my meat to. Right. So I found this bitch.
01:01:01
Speaker
I found this surveillance footage of you flicking it. And it it just, you know, everything's better now. It just filled the void of my heart. And since I saw you flick your shit, now i flick Now I flick her shit for her.
01:01:15
Speaker
Right. Kathleen's shit. Must be Kathleen. But I make her wear a mask of your face. Right, like John Carver, it's your face. Right. Yeah, she's my John Carver.
01:01:27
Speaker
Right, because i carved that pussy up. Yeah, yeah. um But basically, he's like, look, you know, I'm trying to listen to you be more of a ah better dad or whatever. We cut and then Jess and Bobby bring these photos to the sheriff.
Thanksgiving Debate and Personal Essays
01:01:43
Speaker
And they show ah him photos of the guy that Evan got into a fight with at Hanover. And this cheerleader that he dates. And also this guy who wears the turkey fucking shirt.
01:01:55
Speaker
costume every year turkey hate they're like oh yeah they they could all be suspects and it's like no why why the guy in turkey costume is not a suspect however however might be the coolest kill the movie potentially the decapitation in the middle of the street in broad daylight might be my favorite kill nah i like the one in the car the one in the car when the boat goes through the head yeah yeah That whole scene's good.
01:02:23
Speaker
It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. um This is Chad. Hey, Chad. He's reading a dumbass essay about why he won't be celebrating Thanksgiving this year. and Or any year.
01:02:36
Speaker
Yeah. And then Evan goes to read his essay, and it's... uh thanksgiving from the native americans perspective and uh it's actually from the teacher's blog she's like how did you just fucking take my shit because he had like the little doofy doofy looking kid uh write it for him copy it for him yeah and he fucked him over ah although it would be funny if he got up there and he goes this is thanksgiving from the native american side um a ah that's probably better than plagiarism right
01:03:11
Speaker
At this point, yeah. do Racism? Yeah. but You'd be funny. You heard me here. Racism is better than plagiarism. Yeah, right.
01:03:22
Speaker
No, we don't like any of the isms. It'd be really funny if like the NFL had end plagiarism instead of end racism at the end the sidelines. Oh my god, end plagiarism, yeah. yeah Bring back the redskins, but don't copy our logos.
01:03:34
Speaker
No. had a TM next to it. like Uh...
01:03:42
Speaker
Can you imagine that? At one time in this world, Redskins was copywritten. A fucking slur was copywritten.
01:03:54
Speaker
Oh, boy. The next scene is ah this group of friends ex excluding Bobby and Ryan. They get together to talk about how it could be fucking Ryan. And Evan's like, well, Bobby could also be the fucking killer.
01:04:06
Speaker
ah And Scuba... Not Scuba. Yulia thinks it could be Mitch because he has plenty of motive and he drives a fucking van. so Like a pedophile or rapist. They do say that.
01:04:20
Speaker
um It's just the grabber. Evan and Scuba have an idea to go around and just fuck these people up one by one. And they're like, we're not going to do that. Jess is like, let the police handle it. And Evan's like, nah, we're not doing that.
01:04:35
Speaker
We're men. And then Jess gets a call from Ryan and declines the call. and We cut to Ryan who is dressed as a pilgrim. Uh, he's going to be the fucking parade. Uh, and he sees Bobby and they just talk shit to each other.
01:04:50
Speaker
And, uh, Eventually, gets the point where Ryan's like, yeah well, I mean, you'll be out of here pretty soon. It's not going fucking matter. He's like, I'm not going anywhere. obvious Exactly. He's not leaving.
01:05:02
Speaker
And ball back from the fucking grave out of the likely one-timer folder on the hard drive. I'm not fucking leaving. They're to fucking wrecking ball to me out here.
01:05:14
Speaker
Hello, Jordan. wolfy wolfy Wolfie, Wolfie. Fuck me, Margot Robbie. Okay. Or Leo. Or Leo. Remember we were like, oh, I'm never going to get use that again? Well, he's not fucking leaving. Here we go. yeah I'm not fucking leaving. He's not leaving, bro. ah Thanks for fading out. That actually worked out. So they talk shit. We come to the that football jock from Hanover.
01:05:35
Speaker
He's in the gym. And he's like literally on this guy's face as he's lifting weights. He goes, you fucking pussy. Yeah. Yeah. ah And then this girl, I wrote i wrote that she wants to get sucked off.
01:05:48
Speaker
She's making – She wants to get sucked off. She fucking trans? Fucking sucked by Clint. Yeah. Yeah, she wants to suck him off in the other room. There you go. Yeah, I actually did write, she wants to get sucked off.
01:06:03
Speaker
um You know something about her that we don't? And this was, you know, this part of the film, not exactly, but it was the inspiration, was in the short film of The Trampoline Kill. Have you seen the short film?
01:06:14
Speaker
Yeah. I haven't. Is it on tube? The you kind? Yeah. Yeah, not the... Yeah. Red kind. Yeah. Not the catheter kind of tube. Oh, what? I don't know.
01:06:28
Speaker
yeah I want to give you a catheter and then just viciously rip that shit out. No warning. No lube. I'm going to count to three, but I'm going to do it at two and a half. Right. So she's jumping on the trampoline for him and like kind of stripping a little bit.
01:06:42
Speaker
She does. She do be taking her panties off. And this guy from handover washing. It's his neck. snap but Neck snapped.
01:06:54
Speaker
Snapped. He's more like looking. He's the opposite direction. Yeah. He's like, he's like that non-mean in Saw 3. When he's in the rack and the rack just puts his head backwards. He gets his shit turnt. Yeah. turn right now yeah ah yeah I'm off the rack. I'm turnt.
01:07:10
Speaker
Yeah. Who says that? No, I was just saying I'm off the rack like the rack in Saw 3's turn. It's alright, it wasn't that great. ah And the girl gets stabbed to death from underneath the trampoline.
01:07:22
Speaker
ah Kill's kind of fine. i don't really care about it that much. Who cares? Irrelevant. We cut to Evan who is fucking weak because the football game got cancelled. He's like, I'm gonna go play football by myself!
01:07:35
Speaker
Yeah, fucking Mahoyman Yoiman. ah McCarty fires a gun off because he's a fucking idiot. And his dad's like, what the fuck are you doing? ah And then Jess says her father... Her father used to make her pack his gun over and over again. Yeah. yeah the point where she almost blew her hand off.
01:07:56
Speaker
I mean, that's a big load. That's big load to candle. That's friendly fire. Yeah. I mean, imagine getting that shot down your throat. Probably choke. A musket? No, dad's cum.
01:08:13
Speaker
that shot down your throat. The whole ass musket. At that point, I prefer her dad's fucking cock over a musket. Over a musket, yeah. But it was just gunpowder with no bullet.
Attack Speculation and High School Scene
01:08:24
Speaker
Yeah, but she used... So what we're saying is she's used to packing it. Packing it in. some she' good at She's getting smeared everywhere. your her head was blown off in her fucking mouth.
01:08:34
Speaker
Right. You said she's getting smear? What'd you say? She's getting smeared. Um...
01:08:42
Speaker
um What happens where she ends up inside the high school? Why is she waiting inside? She's waiting for Evan and Gabby come back? Evan and Gabby, they're getting chained. Or he's getting chained. They're fucked.
01:08:53
Speaker
Well, probably. Because, be fair, the sheriff is like, you should probably go home. And she's like, no. know I'm going to wait here with my friend. Yeah. He's like, okay, you do that. Then I'm going to wait. Wait.
01:09:05
Speaker
it' good fire So they go change and they walk to the locker room whatever because Evan is still wearing his pads from playing by himself. And she's wearing her pad because it's that time of the month.
01:09:20
Speaker
ah We see Evan ah and Gabby get chloroformed. It's got to be chloroformed, right? got to be. It's got to be fucking chloroformed. got to It's got to be. every fucking form.
01:09:32
Speaker
i mean, I'm down. I'm down. ah Me too. Hey girl, you get formed? Yeah. um Then Jess gets a text from Gabby telling her to come to them.
01:09:45
Speaker
ah She's like, wait a minute. Why would i do that? Text her and Gabby's unresponsive. And she follows the sound of Gabby's phone ring until she finds her Gabby's phone in a cart.
01:09:58
Speaker
but Like a big cart. Like ah like a The big cart. The big cart. Big big cart. It's like, ah like ah you know those Johns that like they push around the trash bags in?
01:10:10
Speaker
Yeah. Like garbage cans. yeah ah Yeah, probably. So anyways, ah she sees Carver in her and the reflection of her phone and she wants to get decapitated, but she runs off and hides.
01:10:24
Speaker
And this school is fucking rich, bro. They got a whole hairstyling like fucking class. Yeah, what the fuck i thought I thought we were chilling. Yeah, we're not. No. Well, I mean, the ratio of gays to straights must be much much higher in that school. You know, maybe if we had more gays in our school, we'd have one of those classrooms.
01:10:42
Speaker
I mean, they could have done renovation since we've been there. Who knows? Probably not. Carver's in this fucking room looking for Jess. And, uh, he... She's trying to hide her head with the other heads. With the mannequin head? With the fucking plastic head.
01:10:58
Speaker
Yeah, you wanna give me some fucking plastic head? She knocks over a hairspray bottle... And, uh, Johnny boy is alerted and she sprays Johnny boy right in his fucking face.
01:11:11
Speaker
She makes a run for it. And then, uh, we cut and she's sitting in the cop car telling what happened to her to the sheriff. And he's like, yeah, what else could you see about him? Fucking tell me. i want to know. know oh you couldn't see much. You really saw him. Oh, he's so fucking fast.
01:11:27
Speaker
Yeah. All right. So he's fucking hog. Was it big? Was it circumcised? I need to know for science. Right.
01:11:38
Speaker
And police reports. So Bobby walks over and puts his coat on her. And then Ryan walks over and takes Bobby's coat off of her. And Bobby's like, you fucking knew Doug, bro.
01:11:49
Speaker
And he's like, yeah, we were trying to get Addie's Adderall's. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that smart kid stuff. So they get into some kind of fist fight, whatever. It gets broken up and sheriff the sheriff tells them both to stay away from the parade.
01:12:03
Speaker
And Jess tells them both she doesn't want to see them anymore. um And then Yulia's fucking father pulls up and he goes, get the Mercedes. Yeah. cause florida He has a big Russian boy. He's a big Russian boy. I'd fucking kill you. Yeah.
01:12:20
Speaker
ah I kill you with knife while I drink vodka. Yes. And then I launch nukes and I lick Putin's butt.
01:12:30
Speaker
um Right. Scuba and Jess decide that the police just ain't doing enough. So they're going to go McCarty's and they go to a they go to his house, but he only got guns that are for fucking not humans.
01:12:44
Speaker
Right. I mean, Scuba says. i mean, he has a desert eagle. So they give him a Sig 226. don't know what the fuck that is. It looks like a gun. And he's like, yeah. And Scuba's like, i don't know. He's like, man, just hold the sideways. It'll be fine.
01:13:01
Speaker
That's what they do in the streets, right, cuz?
01:13:07
Speaker
And then he tries to sell him on this knife with a belt in it. Or a belt with a knife in it. I said that backwards. Yeah, it didn't work. A knife with a belt in it. What the fuck with that even be? A belt with a knife in it.
Yulia's Violent Encounter
01:13:20
Speaker
We cut to... Alright, at this point, I just gotta be honest with you guys, the scene-by-scene notes have really fallen apart. They're just not great. So I just want to let you guys know that now. they're in a fucking car and they're FaceTiming Julia. Yeah.
01:13:32
Speaker
And Julia is uh, she, she's at her house getting ready to go to Florida. They're moving big. And for some reason, her dad, Boris has the cops over. don't know why.
01:13:47
Speaker
And, uh, one of them gets shot with a fucking silencer by Carver. And then, Julia's like, dad, dad, dad,
01:13:58
Speaker
i alone i get I am getting fucked by Carver boy. Boris! important How are you, comrade? Would you like to fuck me next to Hammer and Sickle? Would you fuck next to Hammer Sickle? Would you fuck me next Hammer and Sickle? Hammer it, dude. Um...
01:14:26
Speaker
There's a jump scare. He comes wearing headphones. He couldn't hear it. He goes, what? What? What? im listen I'm listening to Putin fuck his own butthole. Yeah. um He's... This whole time, she's like trying to put our contacts in. It's fucking ridiculous.
01:14:43
Speaker
um And then Julia's dad runs downstairs and he finds a dead officer and he calls for Julia and she's like, Dad! I'm coming!
01:14:54
Speaker
but oh yeah wow That's a coming. And then Julia gets a phone call from Scuba and she sits down at like this little desk and she gets stabbed in the ears. What are these drawings? Like what you put in corn on the cob as a kid? like yeah all I just call him the corn cobbers. Yeah. I have some.
01:15:20
Speaker
Yeah. and Carver just sticks them right in her fucking ears. Yeah. That's kind of cool. And then she you like, You're face fucker now because you got handles. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the fucking oh here you you you you making get some fucking nice torque. and then she's getting throated.
01:15:39
Speaker
Uh,
01:15:45
Speaker
ah So they
Parade Chaos and Killer Confrontation
01:15:48
Speaker
kind of see her get fucking attacked on FaceTime and Scuba and Jess go to her house. Scuba drives like a real fucking Nami to get to her house. But he's not in a Nissan Altima, so i don't know what he's thinking. No.
01:16:01
Speaker
um So they find ah Carver holding her hostage and shows a video that they have Evan at a table. And Scuba tries to shoot, but the safety's on. I mean, this is the first time you see a Nami not know how to use a gun.
01:16:16
Speaker
Yeah, come on, bro. Uh, so Carver throws Yulia onto a, a saw, a buzz blade lit. Her guts go flying. Uh, and they cut to, ah so they watched their best friend die.
01:16:34
Speaker
We cut to Jess's house and her father is still very much against going to the parade. But Jess says they have to go out there because it's their only chance to catch the killer. Also, Scuba does not care that his girlfriend just got gutted in front of him because he's like, yeah, let's do it.
01:16:51
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Y'all find another fucking blonde bitch to pipe down about five minutes. Right. And Kathleen ah decides to run her fucking stupid mouth. Must be Kathleen. And she's like, well, you know, we're not going out there. This is all your fucking fault, Jess. But her father stands up for and says, no, no, no. no no no We didn't fucking know.
01:17:12
Speaker
And he's like, I made the decision that we're closing the store this year. and Jess is like, wow. i used to have that button at some point. Wow. And then Kathleen's like, uh-huh. My money? Must be Kathleen.
01:17:24
Speaker
Um. Ew. They all agree on setting the trap. and We cut to the fair and McCarty gives Jess his father's ring from Iraq. And, uh...
01:17:41
Speaker
Oh my god!
01:17:50
Speaker
That was my joke that I knew had to be cut. You sit on that one for the whole time. Yeah. So it's this ring from Iraq because the fucking Sandys killed his dad or whatever. It didn't kill him.
01:18:01
Speaker
Yeah. This ring makes you invisible to Sandys. Yeah. And then it's named Sandy. Jess gets on a float with Scuba and everybody else and they see a man get stopped for wearing a Carver mask.
01:18:13
Speaker
And then protesters, including Mitch, stop in front of their float and they're protesting the the store. um A kid from school, that kid wearing turkey costume, he's ah he gets decapitated by by a clown mask. Yeah.
01:18:31
Speaker
Just, you know, you can't get up, you know, stand out. And this kid, this guy's got fucking smoke grenades and all sorts of shit. um And this pilgrim float has to like kind of slam on the brakes. And the the float is like a boat, essentially. And it has a, what do you call that?
01:18:49
Speaker
Fucking rod. The rod at the front of the ship. It goes right through the driver's head. It's pretty good because like his nose is like way up here next to his ear. Cause it's getting dark in here. Yeah, it is. Wow. Real dark. Smile for me, babe. Latif.
01:19:10
Speaker
Anyways, an officer tries to evacuate Jess and dad and Kathleen Scuba. Must be Kathleen. But he can't swim. he gets fucking shot. Yep. And then they all get shot the tranquilizer and the clown takes the car.
01:19:29
Speaker
We cut and Carver is glazing Kathleen. Must be Kathleen. Glaze on me baby. Yeah Yeah. I'm a big fucking dark meat guy.
01:19:43
Speaker
i mean talk about uncomfortable. ah ah And she wakes up and pretends that she's back because she's asleep. And Carver goes to turn an oven on. And he comes back and Kathleen is gone.
01:19:56
Speaker
So he grabbed the picture and he goes looking for her. Um, and as Kathleen's hiding, she bumps into the dead Hanover kid. Uh, and then Carver has a timer go off. So he walks away and comes back.
01:20:12
Speaker
Um, and Kathleen is able to sneak upstairs and finds, uh, some boarded up windows. Uh, and she tries to like undo the, the plywood. Yeah. And then she opens a fridge and there's a woman in a bag.
01:20:28
Speaker
Who is this? i Bag bitch. I thought. i don't know who this is. thought it was the deal leader. But he stabbed her to death. I guess she woke up then. Yeah. But then she was dead at the dinner table. So i don't know i't know who fuck this know the fuck So she goes to grab the wine bottle. The body bag wakes up.
01:20:46
Speaker
And she's like, yo, shut the fuck up. He's coming. He closes the door and hides. Uh, Carver follows some bloody footprints and, uh, he stops and pretends like he's leaving and then he sends his pitchfork through the fucking wall.
01:21:00
Speaker
Um, and Kathleen tries to make a run for it, but he throws a pitchfork at her through the back and she gets dragged back inside. Um, and then she gets thrown in the oven and cooked.
01:21:12
Speaker
Must be Kathleen. He puts that little fucking thing in her so it pops when she's done. Yeah. Those drawings, by the way, when they pop, your shit's already overcooked. Oh, is that true? Yeah, a little bit too far. Yeah.
01:21:23
Speaker
How long do you cook a turkey? the The time, I don't know. But if you pull it out like 158 internal temp, you'll be you'll be having some fucking nice turkey, bro. right, I'm going to remember that. What what temperature?
01:21:35
Speaker
That depends on who you are and where you live. I mean, 350 is always kind of a nice temp. 350? You got to be careful, though, because those fucking birds take a while. So you got to kind of cover the top of them with like ah foil, like the breast part, because those get real dry real quick.
01:21:49
Speaker
That's why you baste them, right? Yeah, you can baste them. um Baste my bitch. Yeah. We cut to cops that they get a ping from the live stream in Corridge Park and they go... to the spot and there's literally nothing. And he's like, are there tunnels under here? Uh,
Jess's Escape and Sheriff's Betrayal
01:22:09
Speaker
all right. So Jess and the rest of them wake at the dinner table. It's been set for them. Uh, the SWAT enter the tunnels to find a phone that is just recording a monitor as the live stream. So they've gotten fucking bamboozled just like saw two. Referencing all the saw movies today.
01:22:28
Speaker
Eli Roth, which wishes he was James Juan. um Oh yeah, anja ju I make Saw, Insidious, Conjuring. I make all the movies. I make bad movies now. I produce Aquaman.
01:22:45
Speaker
He swim in the water. You know, the fish fucker. Fish fucker, Aquaman. My fish. I got a slimy dog on me.
01:22:57
Speaker
Fuck it. A slimy dog? Yeah. no if Uh... We cut to Carver and he announces a dinner is served and he unveils baked Kathleen. Must be Kathleen. She's not high. She's been cooked in the oven. Right. She looks a little underdone when he cuts her leg open. little juice flies out.
01:23:19
Speaker
little pink in there. And I ain't talking about her fucking cooter. Right. i mean, her shit's been flicked. Yeah. Anybody want braised cunt? Yeah. Oh my God.
01:23:29
Speaker
Yeah. And for my next course, baked cunt. yeah I'm down, dude. um I'll try it. I mean, they're eating Kathleen out literally. Yeah, literally.
01:23:41
Speaker
they uses that He uses a wine opener to fucking cork the cheerleader's fucking neck. Yeah. And Carver says they're going to go on the table and say what they're thankful for. And he starts with Evan, who he says is going to break the fucking internet. And he crushes his skull.
01:23:57
Speaker
Pretty good effect here. Yeah, it looks great. And I will say some of the one-liners in this part from Carver are pretty good. Mm-hmm. Now, what did Jess use to free herself? The ring? The ring. Yeah. daddy Yeah. McCarty's dad's cock ring.
01:24:13
Speaker
Yeah. okay um They used that ring for circumcisions. m Jess is able to free herself and she passes the ring to Scuba and he breaks free and immediately like a non-mean wood tries to fight Carver. right Carver was in the middle of carving Kathleen up. you know He was just trying to eat her out. That's all he was trying to do. yeah They break through this fucking wall and they realize they're in the Carver house and Jess runs into the woods while Scuba tries to fight Carver but he takes a fucking axe to the arm.
01:24:44
Speaker
ah Jess tries to jump over a fence and her neck, she's a bracelet for mom. She kisses it every night. She's like, thanks mom. Thanks mom for giving me this absolutely delicious fucking.
01:24:57
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And she finds a she almost gets fucking. I had asked with the the fucking axe with a fucking axe, but she escapes and then she finds the sheriff laid out unresponsive and she takes his gun and sees someone enter the warehouse.
01:25:17
Speaker
So she follows him into the warehouse with a gun and sees that it's Bobby. But that doesn't make sense because how the fuck is that? Okay. Because they explain it in the end. The sheriff, how he's there, but then he's over there too.
01:25:30
Speaker
That part didn't make sense, but Bobby made sense. Bobby made sense. Yeah, Bobby. So the sheriff comes up behind her and tells, he's like, it's me. It's dad. No, I'm here And she's like, Bobby's the killer.
01:25:46
Speaker
And the cops arrive and take the sheriff's weapon because it's been fired. Well, good that was the funny part. You like you hear like gunshots and then he comes out. He's like, oh, he's in there. like She just told you that. Yeah. Chu says his father... ah Who the fuck is Chu's father?
01:26:08
Speaker
Mal's a dog? Who the fuck? What the fuck are we talking about? Chu's father flaming walk? What are we even talking about right now? boy.
01:26:19
Speaker
No, not Chu. Chu says that Jess's father. Not Chu's father long duck dog, okay? It's the wrong guy um Peking duck. Like, I got a peaking shit out of my ass. Me too.
01:26:35
Speaker
ah He says that her friends and her father in the hospital sedated and they're on a hundred mile radius search looking for Bobby. Yeah, but then he's like, but the other ones didn't make it. No shit. Yeah, I mean, she got, Kathleen got baked.
01:26:49
Speaker
they Baked? um Jess asked Sheriff for, they all kind of leave and Jess asked Sheriff for a minute to catch her breath. um And she has those spiky plant Johns on her from running through the woods. What are they called?
01:27:05
Speaker
I call them spiky plant Johns because I know they were called. I think they're like, ah not barbs, but like. Oh, yeah. What? I can't fucking see you. Spiky plant Johns.
01:27:18
Speaker
I Googled that. The user is likely asking about spiky plant that has jaw as a part of its name. Google AI.
01:27:31
Speaker
ah Which could refer to the tiger's jaw succulent or the agave gentry jaws. All right, maybe I get rid of the jaw. It'll help me out. No spiky plant that sticks to clothes. Spiky plant. Burr. That's what it is.
01:27:47
Speaker
Burr. Yeah, spiky plant burr. I'm just seeing images. What kind of grass gives these spiky burrs? Hey, yo, relax! ah Wow, bright as fuck like this, huh?
01:28:00
Speaker
You can really see me. Yeah, you can. She notices the spiky plant Johns on ah the sheriff's shoes. His foot, his leg, his fucking penis. And he's like, come on, let's go. And she's like, ain't fucking leaving. I'm not fucking leaving!
01:28:15
Speaker
They're gonna need a fucking wrecking ball to take me out of here! so So... She refuses and Sheriff is like, damn, I almost fucking had you.
01:28:26
Speaker
you know Sheriff? that's like so like the Sheriff. side of I thought for a fucking second longer. ah And the sheriff says that he had Bobby drugged and he had back of his car.
01:28:41
Speaker
But when he opened it, Bobby fucking walloped him with a tire iron. Yeah. You hear me? Pussy pierced. what appearance And then he says that Amanda died while she was preggo, which is why he's on this fucking thing of vengeance.
Final Battle and Dream Sequence
01:28:57
Speaker
Should we just watch this part again and see what the fuck he actually said? think it was his kid. Movies anywhere. I'm telling you, I think he was fucking her and then he got pret she got pregnant. Yeah, she was going to leave Mitch.
01:29:08
Speaker
I told you. yeah i
01:29:12
Speaker
Run the tape back. I'm not saying you were wrong. I'm just saying I was confused about it.
01:29:19
Speaker
So she died. She was pregnant by Ego. And Jess is like, well, I never got to tell you what thankful for. And it's the service in here. So she caught his entire confession.
01:29:30
Speaker
On a live stream. um Then what what happens? Bobby shoots the sheriff? Bobby like does something to the sheriff because the glass shatters. Yeah.
01:29:42
Speaker
Damn. Say you're making run for it. It's got to be Bobby. Got to be Bobby. Yeah. Oh, button didn't work. That's gotta that's gotta be Bobby! I can't believe we've been doing this recording for an hour and 40 minutes. That just fucking sucks. Yeah, ridiculous.
01:30:00
Speaker
um So they hide, and then Bobby does the classic throw something in the other direction and make noise so they can escape. They open this gas can that's inflating a turkey, and then they try to leave in the truck, but Sheriff locks it with a floaty.
01:30:18
Speaker
And then he jumps in the back of this truck and swings an axe at Jesse. Call her Jesse. Why not? And he locks him with a fucking musket because she's got to be packing that shit in a minute.
01:30:29
Speaker
Yeah. She's like, there's going to be no leftovers. Yeah. And they power through and he fucking falls off because he's a fucking weak little bitch. Yeah. And he fucking explodes. Not yet. He grabs the fucking tow line and he taps his pole. And her fucking truck gets stuck.
01:30:46
Speaker
And then Jesse loads her fucking musket just like daddy showed her. Yeah. And then all the bullets This how daddy fucked my face. So then he loads her mommy's necklace.
01:30:57
Speaker
And they blow up this Thanksgiving flood which caused an explosion. And Bobby... ah and they Drives away. They explode and they get out and this firefighter tells the fucking hell that it's all ash, no Jew.
01:31:14
Speaker
rawell ah and no one could have possibly survived, not even a Jew. and then it cuts to Jess who's asleep and she's being awoken by a door creaking and she walks over and turns the light on in her col closet. There's nothing in there, but then all of a sudden out of nowhere... Flaming John Carver grabs her, but it was all a dream, and that's the end of the movie.
Final Thoughts and Movie Rating
01:31:36
Speaker
And then we cut to the end credits, and ah where Eagle's Dare is playing by the Misfits, hence why I'm wearing my Misfits shirt.
01:31:45
Speaker
Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, this movie's fucking mid. I'm going to slap it with a hot fucking three. That's what I was going to do. It's a fucking three. It's not as bad as I remembered last year, but it's still like, you know, I'm never going to watch it. um I'll probably watch it again, but I'm not going to make it a tradition on Thanksgiving. I'll just watch Where the Fuck Is My Turkey, Charlie Brown. Should just do that for fucking two guys next year? No. Okay.
01:32:10
Speaker
Well, that's been our Thanksgiving special, and it's been crazy, to say the least. Next week, we start December holiday month, two episodes a week again, fuckers.
01:32:22
Speaker
And we start with a vaulted episode, Edward Scissor Me Timberhands. Yeah. Don't shave your pussy hair for free. Hell yeah. And then on Friday, a week from tomorrow, you get an episode on Jack Frost and golly, is it crazy? I mean, the next few episodes are fucking wild.
01:32:42
Speaker
Yeah, like, so like, wow. yeah We've only not recorded two of them, so who knows? But that's that. ah I have nothing else to say. I've said everything I need to say.
01:32:53
Speaker
i'm black. Like blacked out. Yeah, blacked out big. We'll see you guys on Tuesday. Yeah, fucking toodles. Fuck you, Mark. I'm going base you like a turkey.