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EP. 68 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
That a shtick like that, dude! Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:19
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
That's how I identify the Doteca e-drunk.
00:00:27
Speaker
a
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick and I have shaft hair.
00:00:38
Speaker
Scrubbing the pot, which is what I call when I jerk myself off.
00:00:44
Speaker
We're just joking. Everything's jokes.
00:00:48
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
00:00:56
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 67 of the Two Guys One Screen podcast, a.k.a. the Hemorrhoid Homies, a.k.a. the Poetown Boys doing the fucking hemorrhoid hoedown. My name is Nick. Hemorrhoids are back? Full yeah fucking fledge? really fa yoling Are you on the fucking cream are you still fucking wiping?
00:01:15
Speaker
No, see, what I'm trying to do now is just kind of soften my shit so, like, it's easier coming out, you know? Oh, laxative type beat? Yeah, like laxatives and, like, probiotics again. I'm taking probiotics again, too, but I'm taking gummies. so I'm choking. Me too, dude.
00:01:30
Speaker
Yeah. Amazon? Amazon Basics, bro. They like this little blue raspberry Johns. I'm not getting no minor like mixed. Oh, yeah. And shout diversity.
00:01:41
Speaker
Yeah. Speaking of mix is fucking cast. Okay. Yeah. Wow. that little We're here to record the final installment for now of Pirates of the Caribbean.
00:01:52
Speaker
Dead man or dead men. I think it's dead men. Men, man, they, them. Pirates of the Caribbean, dead men tell no tales. A 2017 release.
00:02:05
Speaker
This is post Chris Benoit. 10 years. Wow. 10 years, dude. The 10 year anniversary of Chris Benoit murdering his family and they put out this fucking flaming piece of shit.
00:02:16
Speaker
They should have cast him as Jack Sparrow. Crispin Wah? Yeah, he just walks on screen and all you hear is... Yeah. And then he's just fucking headbutting people.
00:02:26
Speaker
Yo, speaking of Crispin Wah, it's fucking crazy. The band that did his theme song just put out a fucking remix. ah Of the music? yeah Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's wild.
00:02:38
Speaker
Well, now it's... I guess we're almost 20 years later. Yeah. So it's okay, right? Yeah, if it's far enough away, it's okay, right? Yeah, but he'll still never be talked about. It probably okay. Yeah, whatever.
00:02:52
Speaker
It's fine. Should be in the Hall of Fame. That's another thing. Different podcast for a different day. We don't have a awesome like podcast, but... We never will. No.
00:03:03
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com. Follow us on Tik TOK, YouTube letterboxd.
00:03:16
Speaker
Give us a voicemail five away, eight fist us five away, eight dip tip six minute limit to have by your kid finished. Yeah.
00:03:26
Speaker
To have your, Movie request pushed to the tippity top when we get fucking time. right. right When we get time. Busy. clear the the The fucking time is taken on how many more weeks you can request new before we're in horror month or prepping for horror month and can put out a movie you request.
Future Episodes and Themed Plans
00:03:45
Speaker
yeah Yeah, we got horror month. Then we got Christmas month. So my fucking quit And unlike last year for Christmas month, we're not doing just Christmas horror movies. We're doing a little combo. we're And we're doing two.
00:03:56
Speaker
Last we did one. We were scared. This year we're doing two. Yeah. You're getting two, two a week. And hopefully you guys listen to him. ah Oh, and at this point... two Go ahead.
00:04:10
Speaker
Go listen to our other podcast. Yeah, you want it. For our physical media hiccups. And you're fucking stinker. Yeah, there's basically... there's nos yeah Honestly, you got no time left. If you request a movie, the chances of it coming out are reviewing it on this podcast.
00:04:26
Speaker
ah You're waiting until November. ah And then if you don't get it by then, get it. ah You're looking at 2026. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're booked.
00:04:38
Speaker
just what it is. At the beginning of... little little teaser, not telling you what it is, though. At the beginning of the year, we're starting a mini-franchise, I'll call it.
00:04:48
Speaker
We should do it in February. Are we doing Black History Month, right? Yeah.
00:04:54
Speaker
Yeah, okay. Yeah, we are. ah Yeah. You're not getting two a week in February. Fuck that. But you're definitely going get one. Get your favorite black people movies up. You want Friday? You want fucking Barbershop? What do you want?
00:05:12
Speaker
Tyler Perry? What do you you want, bro? Yeah, fucking Madea? Yeah, you want all the Madea movies? Yeah, we'll give them to you. Just let us know. What's that movie? Oh, my God.
00:05:23
Speaker
All the Tyler Perry movies for Black History Month is crazy. That's crazy. Oh, man. That's fucking wild. I mean, he's like the best black director, right?
00:05:34
Speaker
Tyler Perry? They show all his shit on BET. Do you think it's him or do you think it's... ah It's probably Spike Lee. Or homeboy that that's doing him and Get Out with fuck's name, Jordan. Oh, Jordan Peele?
00:05:47
Speaker
Yeah. almost said Jordan Peterson. His movies are so decisive. i no Yo, Alexis told me. Shout out Alexis. Shout out Alexis. yeah Happy birthday. Yeah, yo.
00:05:59
Speaker
Coming up soon. Coming up. The 11th. Well, just know we're saying happy birthday on August 8th, and we know when birthday is. It's all right. yeah She doesn't like Nope.
00:06:10
Speaker
Is that hot? Yeah. No, I think I think people love it or hate it. I'm like at like a three and a half with it. Yeah, I don't know. I don't agree with like the five star masterpiece. I think that's kind of fucking wild to say. No, because it's good.
00:06:24
Speaker
Get out is way better than nope. I will say that. Get out is phenomenal. Us is OK. Sorry. Yeah, I think us.
00:06:35
Speaker
So you like you like note more than us. Yeah. For me, us and Nope are like kind of the same. Really? Personally. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I just got caught off guard with the whole alien thing. I don't know.
00:06:48
Speaker
Yeah. I don't think I own it. I feel like I always look at it and then it's like too much money. And then I'm like, nope. I remember it came out at a weird time to where I didn't have time to go to the movies.
00:07:00
Speaker
So I bought the 4K at Best Buy as a blind buy. Yeah. Then we watched with Mark and Autumn. Shout Mark. Fuck you. Fuck you, Mark. Tyler and Mark are boys now.
00:07:12
Speaker
but What the fuck is going on? How does that happen? ah We just started playing video games together last night. What the fuck is Tyler He's coming back on the podcast anymore? I don't know. Piece of shit.
00:07:24
Speaker
Fuck you. fuck now Fuck you, Tyler. me fucking Fuck you, Tyler. Try to fucking be nice to you. You don't fucking i want to come on our podcast? Yeah. Probably because he knows we're fucking losers.
00:07:35
Speaker
Probably like is Mark more. He does like. How could you like Mark more? That's rough, right? Mark is not a likeable human being. That was mean. I didn't mean that. Mark was being very, like, very mean to Tyler. So I had to kept defending. was like, yo, don't be mean to my boy like that. What are you doing? You have to put Mark in line. Yeah. I was like ah like, yeah, I get it, Mark. i've been friends with you for five years, but I've been friends with Tyler for like fucking 14. Like, relax. Long fucking time, bro. Long fucking time.
00:08:01
Speaker
Yeah, and Tyler's climbed the fucking ranks. He was a fucking annoying piece
Personal Stories and Jokes
00:08:05
Speaker
of shit back in the day. Yeah, he was a pleb. He was really fucking annoying. I thought I was annoying. That kid was annoying. Using a connective. There's microphone on Xbox. My God. Fucking life, kid. Fucking dork. I remember we would be on Xbox be I lost the Madden computer. like, are listening to computer?
00:08:20
Speaker
oh We'd be like, I'm about to lose this game. Like, oh, you're playing online? He's like, nah, I'm playing the computer. like, no! How are you losing, bro? What the fuck is going on right now?
00:08:31
Speaker
Are you playing on all Madden? I was just talking to somebody at my job there telling me that they were like, they love playing Madden. And I was like, yeah, when I was in college, I had an open challenge sign taped to my door in my dorm room on the on the outside the door for like people to walk by and like they could just come in and challenge me to Madden.
00:08:50
Speaker
um think I don't think knew that. Well, only one person ever came in to do it, and I beat them. ah Yeah, so they probably fucked, told all their friends. They're like, yo, this guy's the shit. My kid living in that dorm, I forgot the name the building, but whatever it was, yeah, don't fuck with him. He's nice with it.
00:09:06
Speaker
i was addicted. was fucking addicted. And the horror bracket. Yeah. It's time. It's time. I wish I had a button like, it's time. Like the boxing thing.
00:09:19
Speaker
to do to We're in September, so you know it's got to be the horror bracket. It's got to be. Yeah.
00:09:32
Speaker
Just gotta be. And Kane's pretty spoopy. Kane is spoopy and using a spoopy movie that we could have put in the bracket. but no yeah Nobody would have voted for that. It's fine. no They would have saw See No Evil and they would have probably thought it was Speak No Evil.
00:09:46
Speaker
Oh, yeah. We should go listen to our episode on Speak No Evil. Yeah. Which basically encompasses both movies, essentially. So, no worries. Okay, so the horror bracket officially is going to start Monday, September 1st. So if you're listening to this On the day that it comes out, you have approximately four to five days to get your shit together.
00:10:06
Speaker
Wow. Okay. Now, here's how it works. There's 16 entries. If you're new to this podcast, because, you know, we did this last year. ah From Monday to Sunday, the first round is available for all of you to vote.
00:10:21
Speaker
So... I will read you every single fucking one of you. peace Tell your friends. Yeah. And if you number if you listen to one of our old episodes in like December, like, man, I wish I could have voted. Now's the fucking time.
00:10:35
Speaker
Yeah. You might make it good too. Yeah. Make a fucking count. All right. So first round ends Sunday, September 7th. Here are your matchups.
00:10:46
Speaker
We got, I saw the devil coming back for a vengeance. Going up against the Human Centipede 2. two Okay? It's not the first one. It's the second one. On purpose.
00:10:58
Speaker
Yeah. Then you got Train to Busan. Going up against the Lake Placid. And you already made the joke off the mic. Call me Lake Placid.
00:11:08
Speaker
Yeah. I got ED. Yeah, it's about a gator if you don't know. It's a great movie. Yeah. It's like all the guys in this movie. Always in like the sci-fi channel back in the day.
00:11:19
Speaker
Oh yeah. Yeah. It's a big sci-fi that in Anaconda, but that movie's bad. and Anaconda is bad. Real bad. ah then we got Tucker and Dale versus evil versus hatchet movie that I have not seen yet.
00:11:33
Speaker
Yeah. As, as I called him chucker. but So my chucker. yeah Oh, yeah
00:11:49
Speaker
um Next we got next match we got Possessor ah Going up against Saw 3 A.K.A. arguably the best Saw If you don't know what Possessor is It's a movie by David Cronenberg's son Brandon Yeah it is ah Next we have Fright Night my That's my personal ah vote.
00:12:16
Speaker
It's the one I want to win this year. Last year, I got what I wanted. This year, going to get what I want again. you sure about that? I don't fucking know. i'm just I'm just going to keep promoting ah Fright Night because it's a fucking great movie with some great practical and the steelbook's on my wall.
00:12:33
Speaker
Yeah. Which I talked about on Yeah, You Want It, but I actually don't know if that episode's out yet. Yeah. My entire wall fell down. That's really unfortunate. I'm sorry. yeah Next, we got our main man, Henry.
00:12:48
Speaker
Oh, fuck. Hold on. Fright Night is going up against the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. I don't know if you're going to show the whole name, but it is the remake. You're not voting for the first one because obviously our episode on the first one is already out.
00:13:00
Speaker
Go listen to it.
00:13:03
Speaker
Next, we got our main man, Henry, portrait of a serial killer who we just talked about basically like the first 20 episodes and then just never did anything about it. Yeah. my personal My personal vote, and it's my personal vote because one, it's a good movie, and two, I need an excuse to buy the four k Yeah, and also shout out to Michael Rooker.
00:13:23
Speaker
yeah Michael Rooker. Yeah, and he dropped the hard R in The Walking Dead. Yeah, crazy, and I'm probably positive that he uses it in his everyday life. Look at him.
00:13:37
Speaker
um
00:13:40
Speaker
That's not okay. Anyways, Henry's going up against Taurus Trap. Movie that I haven't seen. ah Next we have, next matchup is Creepshow going up against Don't Breathe. Shout out to Turkey Basters.
00:13:57
Speaker
If you know, you know. an interesting movie. Very. And then our final matchup is Dog Soldiers that... ah Them dog soldiers going up against your favorite movie, It Follows.
00:14:12
Speaker
Yeah. It is crazy that the banner on Letterboxd for dog soldiers is a dog soldier and his piece is just out. I mean, hey, dude. It's fucking wild, though. Yeah, but have you never wondered if you turn into a werewolf? are you Does your piece get big, too?
00:14:28
Speaker
I would love that. You know? I mean, you can't really see it like this, but his piece is just hanging out. Yeah, dude. And it's like, sup, dude. I see you, your fucking fat piece. Right. Put that fucking meat stick on you. It's actually peace peace soldiers and an American cock in London, you know?
00:14:46
Speaker
Yeah, that's a great movie. It's locked for this year already. Yeah, watch out. ah Anyways, so voting starts in literally four days. Go vote. And then you can come back the next Monday and then vote in the, what do you call that? The quarterfinals or the semifinals?
00:15:03
Speaker
Semifinals is the one before the final. Okay. So the quarterfinals, I thought quarter would be quarter because it's like four people left. Oh, because a quarter Yeah.
00:15:15
Speaker
It's better than and a... quote Whoa. and a couple And a quarter of them are left from 16 down to four. It's a quarter. So I think it's i think it's the the first round. Then there's the the semis.
00:15:28
Speaker
Starts the the following Monday, which would be September. I'm semi-chubbed. Yeah, September 8th. That ends Sunday, September 14th. Then Monday, September 15th starts the quarterfinals, which ends Sunday the 21st.
00:15:45
Speaker
The final round begins the last two, September 22nd, and ends Sunday, September 28th, which will bring us right into horror month October 1st, baby.
00:15:58
Speaker
and if you're any fan of us, You'll vote. You'll keep coming back. Even if you're not a fan this podcast, it's fun to vote in a bracket. It is, right?
00:16:09
Speaker
Yeah. I do it all the time, and it doesn't matter whatsoever. Not even a little bit. It takes five seconds. Go vote. Anyways, we're here to review this piece of shit movie, Pirates of the Caribbean.
00:16:23
Speaker
Why y'all vote for pirates? Have y'all seen these movies recently? This movie is an AIDS omelet, bro. Like you just take everything, take everything for the rest of the movies and just throw it in, mix it up.
00:16:35
Speaker
And it's not even a nice omelet. Like you put that shit in the microwave to make it. Mix it up. Count my biscuits up.
Critique of 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales'
00:16:42
Speaker
I was telling Gerald off the podcast that I remember seeing this movie in theaters.
00:16:46
Speaker
in Florida. Shout out to my Uncle Gary. ah I did see it with a da-da-da-da-da.
00:16:55
Speaker
Bro, we need to... That's what we need. We're getting every ethnicity, right? So the next Pirates of the Caribbean, right? We need a... Like Pirates of the fucking Indian Ocean. You know what I mean? like Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah captain Captain Jack Gort.
00:17:11
Speaker
Captain Jack Gort. Yeah. you have the room? They're trying to find like a long lost goat instead of trying to find actual treasure. Yeah. What do they worship worship over there? Like fucking Buddha?
00:17:25
Speaker
They worship cows. You can't kill a cow. That's cool though. Cows are cool. yeah Are they? I fuck cows. All right. I mean, they taste good too. They do taste good.
00:17:37
Speaker
Yo, I made these pork ribs. Did tell you about that? I don't think so. Oh yeah. I made pork ribs like myself. Yeah. Yeah. right They tasted so good, but I put way too much cayenne pepper.
00:17:49
Speaker
That shit was hot. Back of the throat. Yeah, that shit hot. Yeah. That's cool. You did that. You're a little chef over there huh? You're cheffing 325 for 40 minutes.
00:18:02
Speaker
She was nice. Really? It's all it took? Yeah. It's all it took. I thought you braised them. You just cooked them in an oven for 40 minutes or done? Yeah, I was going to ah put them in the broiler or whatever.
00:18:14
Speaker
My dad's like, yeah, I don't know how that shit works in this new stove. I'm like, okay. Oh, y'all got a new stove? Yeah. That's good, because Lenny's fucking stove was pre-war. That shit was old.
00:18:25
Speaker
it's like It's like the one where there's there it's like the glass top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah Yeah, welcome to 2025, Len. That's crazy, dude. Well, he he finally complained to the landlord enough.
00:18:36
Speaker
But it like barely fits, so now when you open it, it like rubs up against the side of the fridge. Fuck. That's annoying. Yeah. ah This movie was directed by...
00:18:50
Speaker
Espen Sandberg. Espen a fake name. He's made nothing of note. And then Joaquin Ronin, who made Maleficent, which I haven't seen it, but I have not heard good things about it.
00:19:04
Speaker
Oh, it's the sequel. The first one's decent. This is the sequel. I haven't seen this one. He's also doing Tron Aries, which is like a little concerning, right? Who cares about Tron in 2025?
00:19:17
Speaker
I don't know, but people are hyped for Love the First Tron. So it's like, I think when that movie comes out, it's going to be big. Personally. i mean, all Disney movies are big, right?
00:19:29
Speaker
I don't... Is Elio big? No, it flopped. Yeah. Big flop. I feel like there's eyeballs on it, but like who's going to see it? I think it was like the first Pixar movie that didn't make its budget back or some shit.
00:19:41
Speaker
This girl has fucking milkers on her, dude. Who? She follows me on Letterboxd. I don't know. She has fucking milkers. She watched Elio? No, but she just rated this movie and I just saw her fucking milkers from there.
00:19:56
Speaker
All right. So those two guys did it. Here are your new additions to the cast. Most notably, Javier Bardem plays Armando Salazar. Let me ask you this. Wasn't there a character named Salazar in Pirates? Like one of the movies where it's like it opens with like that pirate in like Spain and like we they found the whatever. It was like that fucking fight.
00:20:18
Speaker
Yeah, it's something like that, right? i don't know if it was the same character, but but... Whenever I hear Salazar, I just think Salazar Slytherin from Harry Potter. and Yeah, which goes in those episodes.
00:20:28
Speaker
By the way, Goblet of Fire, Prisoner of Azkaban are like climbing the ranks. Oh, good. like they're They were already in there, but they're climbing even higher. Also, that's way better franchise.
00:20:39
Speaker
Way better franchise. I mean, so they made double the... Not double. They made like one and a half times more films and they're still all way better than... The the worst Harry Potter movie is better than the best Pirates movie.
00:20:52
Speaker
No. I like Pirates 1. What'd you Pirates 1? Like four and a half. Oh, you gave it four and a half? I fuck with Pirates 1 heavy, bro. Ah, okay. Well, for me then.
00:21:04
Speaker
Yeah. that's probably still not true because I probably gave something a three. Yeah, like Half-Blood Prince is at least a three, right? Half-Blood Prince, I give a three and a half. See?
00:21:15
Speaker
i give our podcast recording a five. Yeah. I mean, so Half-Blood Prince is already better than four of these movies. Speaking of Half-Blood Prince, let us know how offended you were by our one-year anniversary episode.
00:21:27
Speaker
Yeah, let us know. No one's liked that post on Instagram yet. Yeah. It had four likes. I looked at it. Oh, really? I didn't get the notifications. I didn't either. i just I just looked to see if it got posted or not. And then i and I was like, oh, it's four likes already.
00:21:40
Speaker
Of course got posted. The fuck? I just was looking. Sometimes I forget. It's all right. Oh, it's got seven. Hey, yo. Okay, never mind. ah Whoa.
00:21:52
Speaker
What are worrying about? Should we stop the podcast? Nosferatu Ultimate Collector's Edition 4K Ultra HD Steelbook. Yeah, but this is the thing, though.
00:22:02
Speaker
Do you like that movie that much to get that? That's probably a lot of money. It's only limited to 3,000 units. i've I've seen that post, and then literally, it's the slipcover on a steelbook.
00:22:14
Speaker
Oh, is it? That's all it is? That's all it is! Yeah! Oh, fuck. Dude, but yeah if that was, like, a five-star movie, I'd be like, yeah, but, like, it's not.
00:22:26
Speaker
Right? It's like a three and a half. Or did you give it a four? No, I didn't give it that high. i was falling asleep in the fucking theater. Low key. ah I think I gave it a three. Dude, all these Nosferatu movies are coming out on physical now too.
00:22:39
Speaker
Because Scream announced the 1979. Movie sucks.
00:22:44
Speaker
sucks Oh yeah? Not good. Have you seen it? No, I've been trying to track the Blu-ray down from Scream at a good price. Oh, I rented it off Amazon. Not great. Okay, I'll stream it then.
00:22:55
Speaker
But what's her name? Isabella something? What fuck's her name? Isabella Adjani. Peace. Fucking peace. She's also the same girl who I believe is from Inside.
00:23:06
Speaker
If I'm not wrong. No, she's from Possession. I'm sorry. Oh. Sorry. I still need to watch that. She's a fucking piece, so she could get get rinsed out easily. Are we fucking Javier Bardem or no?
00:23:21
Speaker
In this movie, it would be a no. Yeah, but like... I don't even know I'd fuck him in No Country for Old Men. That haircut sucks. Haircut sucks and he's a dickhead.
00:23:35
Speaker
Would you fuck him when he was like a human form, not like a human form guy? Yeah, he he looked nice. He was like nice, clean, shaven, Hispanic guy. Like, I'm ready.
00:23:47
Speaker
What? yeah No, it's fine. I agree with you. Next, we got Brenton Thwadys. Thwadys. Brenton Thotty? he looks like he looks like ah He looks like a Walmart version of Ethan Hawke.
00:24:00
Speaker
And i don't like Ethan Hawke. No, you don't. But you see that new still from Black Phone 2? Looks sick. Black Phone 2 looks hype. I'm excited for that movie. You don't like Black Phone 1.
00:24:11
Speaker
I know, but Black Phone 2 looks good. I can't deny that. Also, Black Phone 1, I gave it 3. So that's a positive rating. It's a 4-star movie. you It's just you're wrong. I gave it 3. It's just what it is.
00:24:23
Speaker
You saw it in theaters? Black phone? No, I watched on Amazon. Oh, see, that's why. oh you think that's why? Yeah, big sound, bro. Yeah, but also a movie's rating is also rewatchability, right? So you're going to eventually watch it at home. not going to be in theaters forever.
00:24:39
Speaker
Right. I have the Blu-ray. Yeah, so when you watch it at home, therefore, you're going to lower your rating from four? No, you're not. No. said probably? Well, I don't know. I don't know. It might be... I'm poking holes.
00:24:53
Speaker
Your shit's fucking big, boy. No, it might be like those straight out the movie jitters. You know, like, oh that shit was good. I would agree with you. And then it goes down half star. Because, like, it's still a good movie, but the hype isn't there.
00:25:04
Speaker
Okay, so we're like a half star different than that movie. It's big deal. Yeah, you're right. Also, none the... Yeah. Also, this You're going to say nothing matters? No, I'm tired of this Ethan Hawke hate. I'm... I am... I will continue to pledge my Ethan Hawke hate.
00:25:17
Speaker
Sinister is fucking amazing. Sinister is so overrated. It's not even funny. Oh my god. Bro, I cannot believe y'all like this movie. This fucking ah movie about him walking around with a jerk. Bro, you didn't watch it as a kid. That's the thing.
00:25:32
Speaker
That is the thing. You're right. Yes, 100%. That shit holds... that shit hold When that shit came out, it was scary. Let me just see if I can find a good Ethan Hawke movie. Oh, The Northman, because he dies in the first 20 minutes. That's why it's good.
00:25:45
Speaker
but but He was also in Gattaca. Gattaca is a good movie. I couldn't i cannot deny it. It's the lead. It's good. I can't deny I'm good Gattaca. I'm saying it's a good movie. All right.
00:25:56
Speaker
So you like old Ethan Hawke, not like modern day Ethan Hawke. I mean, Sinister, I guess it's modern day, but Sinister, it's like more than 12 years ago now. What did it come out, 2010? 2012. Oh. I mean, Gatka's 97, so I get what you're saying. up That's like middle school.
00:26:13
Speaker
twenty mean i'll see i'm gonna I'm not going to hate on dead poets. Am I jerk-off? It's a good movie. It is, but it's a Robin Williams movie. He's in it. I'm just, like, he's in it.
00:26:25
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. But, like, Glass Onion, eh. yeah <unk> up I will not entertain any i anything regarding the first The Purge, the first one. Not the first Purge, the first movie, The Purge.
00:26:37
Speaker
The movie sucks. The movie's fucking terrible. i give it I hate that movie so much, I give it a half star. That's how much I hate that movie. That movie's not a half star. Unreal how bad that movie is. It's not the best Home Invasion, but it's decent.
00:26:52
Speaker
It's not Hush. Yeah, i put i even I don't even think it's decent. I think it's horrible. I think it's fucking terrible. Hush and You're Next are like best home vision.
00:27:03
Speaker
Yeah, and honestly, The Purge makes The Strangers look good. That's how bad The Purge is. I fucking, I hate The Strangers. I didn't give The Strangers fucking a half star. I gave The Purge, but i The Purge, that shit got slapped with a half star, baby.
00:27:18
Speaker
No. This was wrong. Fucking these are accusations. I will not stand for. This is also probably the hottest take that I have, but you haven't seen it. So I can just freely talk about it. He's in the movie. First reformed. People love that movie. Like love. He's a priest.
00:27:34
Speaker
People love that movie. I think it's just kind of mid. He also wraps himself in barbed wire at the end of the movie, which is pretty interesting. Ethan Hawke does spoiler for first reformed.
00:27:45
Speaker
Oh yeah. Don't breathe is better than the purge. I don't breathe is better than strangers. Don't Breathe is great. Dude, the turkey baster? Come on. that's shock That's just shock factor. Yeah, but it's good. i guess.
00:28:00
Speaker
i was like it's good I was like, oh, this guy's fucking sick twisted. Yeah. He's fucking sick.
00:28:08
Speaker
i don't know how we got to Ethan Hawke. Oh, because this guy looks like e Yeah, yeah. He's fucking annoying like Hawke. He he also plays the worst character in the fucking movie. Henry Turner. and no Wilton, his son. I thought this next lady who plays Karina, who they don't say her name for at least 25 minutes, they're fucking annoying.
00:28:24
Speaker
Do better. ah I thought that this was the same girl who was the main chick in the substance, but it's not. Oh. kind of looks like her a little bit. I mean, now, obviously, it's not her. but Something Quigley?
00:28:37
Speaker
Yes, something Quigley. You're right. I forgot her first name, too. Because she can fucking get Quigley on my pecker. She can get she fucking get it. Open this check. ah Kate.
00:28:49
Speaker
That's what the button was for. is for her. Oh, okay. She's piece. Yeah. Skodilario. I fucking love when they have, like, the old-fashioned corsets to just push your fucking tits out, like, unbelievably high. Yeah. yeah Just, wow.
00:29:03
Speaker
ah Who else we got in here? i Goldfish for Rami. It's definitely Goldfish. She plays Shansa. She's in the movie about five minutes.
00:29:16
Speaker
Yeah. Would you fuck her in the movie? you Would you fuck her movie? Would fuck her you her the Ball hair and weird circle tattoos around her head? What you think her pussy lip looks like? Pierced. I think we...
00:29:29
Speaker
we can We can say a ball head now because Dark Knight is out. by na By this time? This recording, Dark Knight is out. Yeah, we've moved past Dark head. We got ball head. would fuck her. But you wouldn't? No.
00:29:40
Speaker
All If I give Crazy Top, but I'm not sticking my penis in her vagina. Fair. um Who else is in here that's new?
00:29:50
Speaker
the fuck is Scarfield?
00:29:54
Speaker
I don't know, but his face looks fucking annoying. He's probably just one of the guys in the movie. I don't know. I thought... I think it's i think it's everybody we need to shout out, right? Anybody else?
00:30:06
Speaker
Oh, this dude who was the body double for Jack Sparrow, Anthony De La Torre, who plays young Jack Sparrow. Fucking stupid. So fucking bad. They just put Giant Dep's face on him. We'll get to that. Yeah.
00:30:22
Speaker
All right. that's That's basically everybody, I think.
00:30:27
Speaker
ah This movie's fucking shit. you haven't listened to the rest of our ah episodes on Pirates, the movie's fucking ass. But we do a scene by scene. um There's not much to say about this movie, but we're going to go through it.
00:30:41
Speaker
You okay? Don't drop your mouse. Don't drop that thun thun either. Oh no, my notes went away now. I was trying to put my mouse pad on my lap so i didn't have to reach. but Trying to rub your trying to fucking jerk yourself off with mouse?
00:30:54
Speaker
Yeah, it's black. How I like it. Black Mouse Gang. Oh, yeah? You don't have the you don't have the Mac Mouse? ah Hot take that shit sucks. Really? I've never used one. I mean, I have one. It's right here. I'm a liar. It's not here anymore, but I had one.
00:31:13
Speaker
All right. cause It's like a one button. Yeah, I think I know. Yeah, it is. And it's fucking stupid. I hate it. um This movie opens with a kid. Okay. And we see a bunch of wanted signs for Jack Sparrow.
00:31:27
Speaker
And then he's on a boat and he rode in this boat. And he ties a rope to his ankle and like throw some weight off off the ship. And I'm like, oh, he's going to kill himself? That be, yo.
00:31:38
Speaker
That would make the movie pentides better. Just a kid killing themselves, bro? Life's too cruel. And just remember, the human anus can strap up to seven inches without taking damage.
00:31:50
Speaker
that's the thing though if your anus stretches like that you're definitely get hemorrhoids no yeah probably but a raccoon can fit into any you know any hole that's four inches or smaller so so you're saying a raccoon could go in your asshole yeah without damage but why would a raccoon go in your asshole i don't know i just saw it on instagram um So he lands at the bottom ocean next to a ship ah which shoots out of the water. And it's the the Flying Dutchman.
00:32:19
Speaker
And this kid's name is Henry. Henry. and his father is on board, Will Turner. So Will is like, you got to leave. And Henry's like, no, going to set you free. so this is the same plot point as ah Will.
00:32:33
Speaker
The last one. What movie did that happen? Was it the last film? No, it was At World's End, right? Because Will's whole thing was like, I got to break the curse to save my father. He's on the dodgement. Yeah.
00:32:44
Speaker
um Henry knows about this this trident of Poseidon. um And if he can find it, it'll break the curse. And he's going to ask Jack Spare to help him.
00:32:55
Speaker
Also, how dare they make like the the best god like have to be in this piece of shit? Fair. Poseidon's dope. He's like better Aquaman. he's gonna So we'll give him some kind of fucking necklace, which has no relevance the rest of the movie.
00:33:12
Speaker
Um, and then the ship goes back underwater and then we're transported to nine years later. i ah and there, and there's, uh, a ship that's, uh, being attacked by the Navy who Henry now works for.
00:33:28
Speaker
And, uh, I don't know. We're supposed to know what this is, I guess. But like Henry is using a, see, I, now I'm saying Henry and thinking I'm saying the wrong name from the Harry Potter episodes. I was saying Henry and it wasn't right.
00:33:40
Speaker
But this is actually Henry. This is actually Henry though. Yeah. He's holding like a piece of like a mirror, a shard. It's the same from Harry Potter. Oh my God. Whoa. We connect the universe. Yeah. There's just no pedophiles in this one.
00:33:54
Speaker
Uh, So he looks at some little crevice and, you know, yeah and I thought it was the same crevice from the last movie. Remember they had to go to that like little cove to like find the water yeah fountain of youth.
00:34:08
Speaker
I thought it was the same thing. They're like, nah, it's not. This is a different crevice. This is the fucking devil's triangle, baby. Yeah. Not my taint. My taint's rectangular. I was going to say like the devil's triangle, right? On a woman. It's like a line to both her nipples and then down to her fucking clit.
00:34:24
Speaker
Yeah, that would be the devil's triangles right here because you don't want to get her pregnant. But you do want to fuck her. Do want to fuck her. Just use protection. So you are being tempted. Yeah. ah So Henry shoves his guard out of the way to go talk to the captain and he tries to warn their selling to the devil's triangle.
00:34:43
Speaker
um But the captain's like, yeah just arrest this kid and fucking throw him in ah the brig. And he's charged with treason. And when you're ah charged with treason, they rip your sleeves off.
00:34:54
Speaker
How you doing? ah And he gets locked up with another sailor who tells him that Jack Sparrow's dead. this Navy fucking ship is out in the ocean doing the thing, going to the fucking triangle, going to the fucking milkers.
00:35:08
Speaker
um And they get attacked by another ship that has this fucking ability to fucking... open up and like, you like yeah yeah, it looks like a, like a centipede or something.
00:35:20
Speaker
little bit. Um, the whole naval crew we see get murdered. Uh, and, ah Javier Bardem's character, Salazar, Salazar, enters the boards the ship and start starts fucking murdering people.
00:35:37
Speaker
ah the ship, the ship also has like a, like a mermaid on the front or some shit. That'll come into play. Like an ornament? An ornament. ah And there's blood leaking through the wooden planks of the ship.
00:35:52
Speaker
And for some reason, Henry puts his hand out. And then like when it gets on his hand, he gets freaked out, which is like, why? why What do you think was going to happen? Yeah. ah Which alerts Salazar. And he comes downstairs and asks if Henry's looking for Jack Sparrow.
00:36:08
Speaker
Do his voice. Whose voice? Salazar. I can't do it. I'm not even close. right
00:36:18
Speaker
ah It is funny, though. he Every time he talks, he's like, I'm going to kill the Esparo. Yeah. which If you want to make a ah default like imitation of how Spanish people speak, just put an E in front of every word that starts with the letter S. I'm going to find Esparo.
00:36:36
Speaker
and so That seems racist, though, no? It is fucking racist. that's my This man just fucking says hombre randomly. Yeah, but like... Vamos! Javier Bardem speaks Spanish, so he should just be like... Yeah, it's funny that he's still sounding white trying to say these words.
00:36:54
Speaker
Right. i don't This isn't his real accent, though, right? He's putting this on. Yeah, I would say so.
00:37:02
Speaker
ah So... Javier Salazar, not Javier. He, uh, he needs Jack Sparrow to free themselves from curse they're under.
00:37:14
Speaker
And, he asked Henry to find e Sparrow for him. and this is where we get the title card.
00:37:22
Speaker
we're now in St. Martin, which is in the Caribbean somewhere, not Singapore, uh, where there's a lady. This is Karina who is being accused of being a witch. Um, Um, they call her like the witch for the first like 30 minutes.
00:37:37
Speaker
Yeah. Has no fucking name. Uh, and she escapes her jail cell and runs through the town and she's being chased. Uh, while she's being chased, there's a bank that's opening and they unveil their vault and they're yeah, no one get inside this vault.
00:37:52
Speaker
And they open it. And, uh, Jack is inside the vault asleep. He's already broken into the vault. um They're about to fucking fire on Jack, like shoot him. And then by the way, shout out to this guy I work with.
00:38:05
Speaker
He was like, we were talking about something. He's like, you know I'm gay. And I was like, oh, you are? And he's like, yeah, i don't call it because took too many shots last night. Took too many back shots last night. Hey, yo.
00:38:17
Speaker
And then he just and he walked back down in the dining room. I was like, what the fuck? I mean, like, it was funny. Yeah. I mean, like, shout out you for being gay. We like also he's not also he's not actually gay. It was just a joke, but it was just fucking wild. I was like, yeah, I'm gay.
00:38:31
Speaker
We am calling out for be back shots because he was talking to a guy I work with. He's like, are really like the flowers in the bar. Look nice. And they're like, yeah, looks nice. I was like, didn't realize they hired a gay bartender.
00:38:44
Speaker
He's yeah, gay. Gay bartender, though, probably make a mean like mixed drink, you know? Yeah, I'm making a mean cosmopolitan. Yeah. ah So they're about to fire on Jack and this lady wakes up who I guess he's been fucking in the vault.
00:39:00
Speaker
And it's ah like the head Navy guy's wife. Francis. a That's a nasty name. But for a man, a woman. Yeah. Jack gets it in, bro. Jack be fucking make no mistake. He's fucking he's but he's it's like older Johnny Depp. So like he's kind of I don't really get the timeline on this because like Will got sunk the bottom that fucking ship the last movie. No, no three before it.
00:39:27
Speaker
Yeah. Will and fucking Elizabeth weren't in the last movie. What the fuck was the last movie then? The movie's so forgetful. I have no idea what's even going on. Oh, it's the Fountain of Youth.
00:39:38
Speaker
Yeah. But then they're like... So then he got like this kid this kid goes to see his dad on the ship. And then they're like nine years later. Yeah.
00:39:50
Speaker
I just... i don't understand the timeline. So it's at least...
00:39:56
Speaker
Jack should be like almost dead. Yeah, it's like at least 10, 15 years later after the third movie. Right? Because then at the end of the movie, towards the end, Barbossa... No, it has to be longer, right? cause
00:40:12
Speaker
Barbossa says in this movie, he's like four winters ago, something, something, something. So I think the last movie was four years ago. Okay. That's that context. But when did Will and Elizabeth fuck to have this kid?
00:40:28
Speaker
That's a whole nother thing. i have to be but While he was eating her clam. so at the end of two? Yeah, it's the end credit scene. It's just them making a baby. But then that doesn't make sense because there's a time gap right there between two and three.
00:40:42
Speaker
This is what I'm pointing out. and None of it makes any sense. I don't know. i mean I'm i don't not saying I know. I just don't. It doesn't make any sense to me. Fuck you, Disney. Yeah, you're fucking stupid ass. This is what Disney disney does, though. It's the with Star Wars. Let's just fucking squeeze more shit in the timeline. Yeah, because they're like, oh, the kids won't care.
00:40:59
Speaker
This is my thing, and I was going to save it to the end, but I'll just say it now. Pirates, they're making another one, right? this is Six is coming out. it's all you should do You should do what Star Wars did and just start blank slate.
00:41:12
Speaker
All new characters, escape the Johnny Depp, Jack Sparrow universe and just start fresh. New characters, get fucking Timothee Chalamet, some big young actor to be the main guy of your movie and move forward.
00:41:26
Speaker
but you Just forget that shit. Yeah, but if they do it the Star Wars way, then it's still going to have to relate to the old one somehow. Don't do that either. Just leave that part out.
00:41:37
Speaker
Just start like Timothee Chalamet is the grandson of Jack Sparrow. man. but Somehow Sparrow returned. i Dude, I don't fucking want that. I would just say make a new pirate movie, new people, new concept.
00:41:52
Speaker
I think Timothee Chalamet would be a fucking fire pirate, bro. you probably you probably the hottest fucking pirate you're ever going see, bro. You'd probably be the shit shit out of him. Oh my god, Timothee Chalamet is a fuck it.
00:42:03
Speaker
Yo. He might be like the new like the new like if you go gay who's the first guy you're fucking, it's Timothee Chalamet. You think it's Timothy Chalme for you?
00:42:14
Speaker
Bro, he is fucking piece. me, I don't think it'd be him. He's like almost girly, so it's like you're kind of fucking a girl, you're kind of fucking a guy, you know? like I see what you're saying with that. You got that long, curly hair.
00:42:26
Speaker
You got some nice fucking eyes. You got pretty eyes, right? christ you You're a gay kid. You're gay, son. All I'm thinking about like when I'm watching Wonka is I'm trying to get up in this guy's chocolate pipe. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You want to go to that fucking shoot.
00:42:41
Speaker
Like fucking Augustus and ah in the OG one. Oh, yeah. yeah clip That chocolate tube he's stuck in is fucking Willy Wonka's asshole. Wow. That's you.
00:42:52
Speaker
That's you. That's the metaphor. I mean, I'm with it. I don't know what... I don't know. had to think about that. who Who's the first dude I'm fucking? If I'm going... Yeah, right? Right in the podcast, tell us the first guy you'd fuck. Or vice versa. Who's the first woman you'd fuck if you're a woman and you'd go lesbian?
00:43:08
Speaker
Yeah. But it's different. Going lesbian, there's less stakes. You're not going get entered fucking physically. Maybe strap-ons, fingers. Yeah, but like we're never going to get entered if we don't want to. But going gay means that you kind of have to.
00:43:22
Speaker
We should get raped. You could get raped. That's true. I mean, what are the stats on gay rape? In prison, hi. In prison, yeah.
00:43:34
Speaker
yeah know i don't know the first guy fuck is. I'll let you know. It's gotta be a celebrity, right? It's not just going to be like a well-known hot guy. Yeah. I'd probably fuck a well-known hot guy. You're right. Oh, there was actually, if it's not a celebrity, there is just one dude that I used to play pool with.
00:43:49
Speaker
And, uh, he brought his friend to come play with us. And he was just Colombian dude that had thigh tats. And he had caught. Honestly, he looked like Colombian, Timothee Chalamet. If I'm being really honest with you, spoke at that dude.
00:44:01
Speaker
If you're listening, i hope you're not. I'd fuck that guy though. Yeah. and He looked like, bro, he looked like Colombian tell Timothy Shalom, man. I swear to God. Oh, yeah.
00:44:12
Speaker
He was real good at pool. And he was like, hot yo know he was hot enough to wear like the shorts that are like short, short. Oh, so he knew. Like you and I couldn't pull that off. Like he could pull it off. It takes a certain straight man to wear fucking high shit.
00:44:25
Speaker
Yeah, and a certain tone, ah skin color, a certain complexion you need to, like, pull that off. You can't be fucking white, white wearing those. know youre you were making fun of me. You said um my fucking legs are pale.
00:44:35
Speaker
You have white legs, kid, but so do I. But yours are, like, wider than mine are. Yeah. I don't go outside. Either way, let's know who fuck. um This scene was hilarious because he's standing in front of a vault and they have him surrounded, essentially.
00:44:51
Speaker
Like they're shooting guns at him. And he just lays down and no one hits him. No, these guys are worse than fucking stormtroopers. Fucking terrible.
00:45:03
Speaker
Gibbs and the rest of the OG Black Pearl crew try to pull this vault out with horses and they end up pulling the entire building with it. don't know. How the fuck that managed to happen? They only have like four horses.
00:45:16
Speaker
This this seems kind of silly. There's like a chase and then money spills out of the vault as like they're being pursued. uh we randomly cut back to karina who's hiding in a building that says uh no dogs and no women that's what it's like in my apartment there's no dogs here and there's no women yeah just cats um and this guy was like a woman that's her sex is female you're right yeah but is she a woman i don't know twix you a woman what do you think
00:45:50
Speaker
And she walks over this fucking telescope and this guy's like, no one's ever handled my Herschel. fuck Fucking handle my Herschel, brother. That's what I thought they were like referencing.
00:46:00
Speaker
like Yeah, like touch as fuck yeah touching his fucking joystick. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Fucking play Pac-Man on me, you know? Yeah. Open your mouth and swallow.
00:46:11
Speaker
Right. Uh... So she adjusted this telescope because it was off and she needs a carometer. and he's like, you're a witch. Isn't that like the Bible for Muslims? No, that's the Quran.
00:46:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yep.
00:46:33
Speaker
yeah no And Jack stumbles in drunk as fuck. And then ah Gibbs is towing this fucking building. And the building they make a hard right. And this building takes off like half of the building they're in.
00:46:46
Speaker
Yeah. No hard R's. Just a hard right. And then for some reason, Jack and Karina end up on top of this fucking building. And they're like surrounded. So Jack fucking yeets her into a hay bale that's like being towed by horses.
00:47:01
Speaker
Like the Undertaker did to Rikishi. Shout out to The Undertaker and Rikishi. I keep seeing this clip online of The Rock doing impersonations of like people. And he's like, did it for The Rock.
00:47:14
Speaker
I did it table but for the people. it's so funny you should uh there's a youtube it makes me laugh really hard there's a youtube poop and he's like i did it for the cock i did it for the pee pee uh i don't know why it's like been all over the like my social media recently i did it for the rock i did it for the people uh
00:47:41
Speaker
So anyways, Jack somehow lands back on top this building the pulling out. And they go under a bridge which takes off the rest of the building and just brings the vault. ah And we cut and Jack's looking into the vault which is now empty and there's nothing there.
00:47:59
Speaker
A singular coin. uh jack demands tribute from the rest of his crew because ah he helped them led them to this stealing this shit but there's they're not giving him a fucking tribute um we learned that barbosa now rules the sea because he has a whole fucking fleet which you we didn't learn in the last movie he's got like 10 of them fuckers um Jack's crew decides to quit because Jack has no ship, but he does have a ship. It's just in a bottle.
00:48:30
Speaker
It's the Black Pearl. Shout out to Blackbeard for putting it bottle. Yeah. um We then cut, and Henry awakens in like a hospital wing, and a soldier's telling him that he's the only survivor of the monarch, and his sleeves are ripped, which means ah he's a traitor.
00:48:47
Speaker
It's a universal sign. um A nurse walks over, but it's just Karina dressed as a witch. And asks if he's looking for the trident. But she also needs a trident to get off the island she's on.
00:49:01
Speaker
She tried to get Henry's tried. That's exactly correct. Yeah. She's into them young looking Ethan Hawke motherfuckers. You know what I mean? Yes, she is. Yeah. She wants that fucking sinister cock.
00:49:13
Speaker
yeah She's like, I want you to want you to film my death. I want you to fuck me then beat me with a black phone like we're in the nineteen twenty s Yeah. Yeah. Kidnap me like one of your young kids.
00:49:26
Speaker
Lock me a basement. Yeah. Uh...
00:49:34
Speaker
Yeah. Let's go hide and read poetry. It's so fucking gay. All all right. So in this scene, it looks like she gives him the journal of Galileo, which why are we bringing Galileo into this? What did this man do? This guy was real.
00:49:53
Speaker
He's catching strays. This piece of shit movie. Yeah, bro. and Also, I just thought of Bohemian Rhapsody.
00:50:02
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I thought about the movie. I was like, is Ethan Hawke in Galilee? Isn't that movie too? now he No, he's not. Movie sucks. thought about the movie? Yeah, because we're a movie podcast. Yeah, okay, yeah.
00:50:13
Speaker
We saw that movie together. I don't remember it, and I don't remember seeing Pirates 4 either. It's already out of my memory. ah So she has this journal that has a ruby on it.
00:50:25
Speaker
and Not a roofie. A ruby. A ruby, yeah. There's no roofies yet. Rufies in the world of pirates is getting punched in the face. And then you're just blacked out and you're going fuck away your alcohol.
00:50:36
Speaker
That's true. Rape is not okay, but it's just what it is. It's just a pirate's life for me. That's exactly right. um And it was her father, I think, gave her the journal and was like looking for the trident.
00:50:51
Speaker
And she thinks the map is in the stars um and you can see it after the blood moon. Yeah. She's an astrologer now because she's also... So that's a hundred percent. If you're into fucking astrology, you're just kind of gay.
00:51:06
Speaker
It's really gay. Like what's just like, what like, like none of that means anything. And if you think it means something, you're fucking kooky. Yeah. It's just, what are you?
00:51:18
Speaker
Yeah. No, I mean, I'm to, I used to work with this kid who told me, he's like, I could probably guess your astrology sign. And I was like, Okay. He's like, you're definitely this because of x y and Z. And I was like, you're right. he goes, am I go? No, you're fucking not. You idiot. It's not my sign. walked away.
00:51:35
Speaker
mine. Yeah. mine yeah ah I think I'm a Capricorn. Oh, I think you should deliver you should have done the rock thing and be like, what's your sign? It doesn't matter what your sign is.
00:51:50
Speaker
but sorry Capricorn. So you can take that fucking corn cob. I enjoy taking corn cob from time to time. Right. Buttered up. Butter me up. Like, yeah like that young gravy song.
00:52:03
Speaker
Uh, there's a butter up young gravy song, right? It's called butter up. Something like that Oh, yeah, you're right. forgot about that. I just thought of Mrs. Buttersworth. I did, too, and I thought I was having a stroke. So as she's talking to ah Henry, I'm pretty sure in this scene, she's like, here's the here's the book.
00:52:19
Speaker
But I guess that doesn't happen. she She literally says that. Take my book. Yeah, but then she has the book in about five minutes. So ah she gets pointed out by guards and gets chased, but she leaves Henry with a pick to, like, pick his lock.
00:52:33
Speaker
Get picked in the ass. That's what I'm talking She gets arrested, but Henry escapes. And we cut to Jack, who is just wandering the town, drunk as shit. And he falls into some mud or pig shit.
00:52:46
Speaker
Whatever you want. There are pigs. um And he stumbles into a bar. And he trades his fucking compass for a bottle of rum because he's a retard. Everybody that's fucking anybody wanted this...
00:52:58
Speaker
Compass. Like, this is the shit. This is like... Yeah. Not the shit he's covered in. No. But, like, he's just giving it up for one bottle of rum. That's it.
00:53:09
Speaker
The only thing that can that has saved your life numerous times... Fuck it.
00:53:16
Speaker
ah There's like an earthquake or like a tremor. I don't know. Something like that. Shout out Tremors. Trevor's way better than this movie.
00:53:26
Speaker
Tremors is great. I like Tremors. I don't think I own it yet. I got to buy it. Arrow, dude. Yeah. ah So they don't say it until later, but for some reason, Jack giving the compass away frees Salazar. we learn later in the film that when you – If and when you betray the compass, it unleashes your biggest fear, which I guess Jack's biggest fear is Salazar, which also doesn't track because Jack actually doesn't know who he is.
00:53:55
Speaker
Right. When they interact, he's like, who are you? Right. But like, there's no mention of him up until this point, like that they know each other.
00:54:09
Speaker
Yeah, but I mean, every big bad they're introducing this into the world, you don't know. There's no mention of it beforehand. Yeah, but they always have some beef with Jack. How's Jack beefing with all these guys in his lifetime?
00:54:20
Speaker
Jack's a troublemaker, bro. um The Navy arrests Jack and Henry watches. Why is Henry not going to free fucking Homegirl?
00:54:33
Speaker
I don't know. It's just strange. The whole movie's fucking weird. The next scene, uh, it's a blood moon and Karina is using the light from the blood moon to read this fucking journal.
00:54:44
Speaker
She's also on her period. Yup. And unfortunately she's not getting saved and she kept the journal, even though that she definitely gave it to fucking Henry. She said, here's my book, not my cunt. Take this. Mike.
00:54:57
Speaker
Yeah. We're saying that word. Now she's one of this. Fuck it. Uh, And the journal lights up an inscription ah and we see stars that lead to an island. I want to ask you what you thought about the end with the reveal, the tattoos. That's some gay shit. Oh, that was the gay. I'm like, you can't.
00:55:16
Speaker
Shit. They ruined my favorite character in this fucking series, bro. What the fuck? um Henry dresses as a soldier and finds Jack Sparrow locked up. Doesn't free him because the the next scene just doesn't make any sense.
00:55:31
Speaker
He's like, oh i need oh, Salazar sent me to find you, but I'm going to fuck with you mentally. But you're washed. Right, he is washed.
00:55:41
Speaker
He also said, like why the fuck am I looking for you? do look like a fucking idiot. Yeah. um But what was funny here is he tells Jack that he's the son of Wilton.
00:55:52
Speaker
And Jack is like, does Liz call my name in her sleep or what? Yeah. yeah been um and happens um And he tells Jack he needs the trident. I wrote he needs the Poseidon, but he needs the trident.
00:56:06
Speaker
Yeah. And that Salazar is after Jack. But then doesn't free him. Nothing happens. Cut to the next scene. They like chokes him out. Jack like chokes him out. At first. and he's like, I'm looking for you, bro.
00:56:18
Speaker
ah We cut to Barboza, who he's living high on the hog here. He's got riches. And these two p pirates who... This just sounds like the life.
00:56:30
Speaker
Because he's just like sitting there listening to people play violins and he's eating cheese. Oh my god. He's got a gold peg leg. Yeah, bro. And that fake fucking wig's on his head again. you If you feed me some like foreign cheese, I'm yours.
00:56:45
Speaker
I could feed you foreign cheese. That's all I need in life. is she need your for I could have fed you foreign cheese for the majority of our friendship, I would say. Yeah. All I want is just like access to it. I just want top tier cheese in my life.
00:56:57
Speaker
You want top tier cheese for your birthday? Fuck. Yeah, I do. I could probably set that up. What kind of cheese do you like? Oh, man. What's your favorite foreign cheese? I guess all cheese is foreign. All cheese is foreign, I guess. but like yeah You ever have Riclette?
00:57:15
Speaker
What the fuck are you talking about? Riclette. Riclette is the smelliest cheese of all time. If you at home, the listener, are not familiar with Riclette, it's a big wheel.
00:57:25
Speaker
It's not like girthy, but it's like thick. It's like a palm block. It's like a fucking wheel. And ah how people serve it's very unique because it fucking smells so bad.
00:57:36
Speaker
ah They cut it in half. And then you put the half that's like the cheese is exposed under a heat lamp. And it's on a stand. The cheese like mounted on a stand.
00:57:47
Speaker
And there's a heat lamp and the heat melts the cheese and it gets all gooey. Then you turn it and you scrape it downwards like a slide onto whatever you're eating. And then you eat it. And then you turn it back up and then have the heat on top of it again. So it like melts more cheese for you.
00:58:02
Speaker
Oh, okay. But it the silver lining is it smells like fucking asshole. It smells terrible. doesn't smell good cold or hot. or how It smells like shit.
00:58:13
Speaker
Literal shit. was going to say maybe like a nice smoked gouda. You like gouda? You don't? i don't know. I haven't had it actually. No? No, don't think I have. I think I had a sandwich that had gouda on at one point at one of restaurants I worked at.
00:58:28
Speaker
You're probably into that Mexican shit. Like, oh, give me some machego. Manchego is pretty good. I don't hate manchego, actually. That's pretty nice, right?
00:58:40
Speaker
I don't shred it. That hurts. oh of Anyone want to make my fucking taco leek sour cream or what? Yo, you like go...
00:58:52
Speaker
Goat cheese can go fuck itself. No, don't eat goat cheese. What? Goat cheese. Goat cheese is fucking disgusting. You're fucking wrong. Oh, this guy. This guy over here. Oh, don't touch my goat. You fucking like goat cheese? I love goat cheese. I'm your goat. Could you be fucking milking them?
00:59:07
Speaker
like You like the fucking work behind it, don't you? love goat cheese. Yeah, you sick fuck. Holy shit. You sick fuck. Ugh. Yeah, you want our fucking cheese, don't you? Yeah, I do. It doesn't fully melt either, so it kind of gets like, it's like a solid but stringy at the same time.
00:59:24
Speaker
It's definitely not stringy. You're eating good goat cheese. You're eating stringy goat cheese. That's what saying. Stringy goat cheese? You should not be eating goat cheese. If you're eating goat cheese that's stringy, someone lied to you and told you it was goat cheese.
00:59:37
Speaker
you're right yeah Goathees is not stringy. i've had like What have you had? Besides the cock in your ass. i've had no the only place The place that I had it was like ah it was on a pizza.
00:59:49
Speaker
So it was like probably mixed with other shit. The one that was stretchy. No, i I bought full logs of goat cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long jawns.
01:00:00
Speaker
The only time I've eaten goat cheese and I've tolerated it is we used to have a thing on the menu where we mixed it with like herbs and garlic and put it in a little jawn with some honey on it. It was pretty good. Yeah. Like it's good as a spread too.
01:00:13
Speaker
Yeah, bread spread. Shout out to fucking a Serbian film. Yeah. You like that fucking goat fucking bread spread? Yeah. I wish they fucked a goat in Serbian film.
01:00:26
Speaker
I mean, in that universe, anything's possible. Fuck the donkey instead. Should have been a goat. Don't touch my goat. I need the cheese. and i need milk cheese.
01:00:37
Speaker
You need fucking the goat cheese over there. Go fucker.
01:00:42
Speaker
Oh, God. Oh, um, don't so anyways,
01:00:49
Speaker
these pirates tell them that three of us should have been sunk by Salazar. Um, And then it just cuts and we're on land. They're in the middle of the ocean. Now he's on land going to speak to this ah this other witch named Shansa who looks like, what the fuck's her name?
01:01:08
Speaker
Florence Pugh Light. That's what she looks like. No. she looks like She looks like Florence Pugh wasn't Florence Pugh is what I'm saying. She ain't thick like Florence. She's skinny.
01:01:19
Speaker
Yeah, but Florence Pugh is way hotter. I'm just saying in the movie. I'm not saying she's as hot as floor. I'm saying she looks like her, but like a fake version. Like this guy looks like Ethan Hawke, but not as good. I'd dick Ethan Hawke down before I dick down this fucking kid.
01:01:33
Speaker
The fuck's his name? Yo. Brenton with a T? The fuck kind of name is that? Ethan Hawke probably got that sinister cock on him. I literally said that on this podcast. I know.
01:01:46
Speaker
So he ah she's a witch and Barbossa is like, I'm looking for Jack. and But Jack's being looked for because they're looking for the trident. Everyone's chasing everybody.
01:01:57
Speaker
Which is usually what happens in these movies. Everybody's going after the same thing. We find out here that betraying the compass is what unleashes your biggest fear, which I already told you. And for some reason, she has the compass already.
Plot Developments and Character Dynamics
01:02:11
Speaker
She already got it. Yeah. And she gives it to Barbossa, and she's like, use this you can bring Salazar to Jack so you stay out of Salazar's way. Because Barbossa wasn't happy about Salazar either, so this guy's big shit.
01:02:27
Speaker
Right, because Salazar's destroying his fleet. Yeah. And he's trying to live high in the hog, not Salazar's hog. ah We cut to Jack who's being dragged through jail by some guards and he runs into his uncle ah who tells him to stay on land, but he's about to get executed. So ah next scene is Jack and Karina are about to get executed and they give Jack the option and he offers the guillotine, which is like a new invention at this point.
01:02:53
Speaker
And that's crazy. It's probably timely at least. ah Karina tries to speak her final words before she gets hung that she's not a witch, but Jack like starts interrupting her, which is basically a diversion.
01:03:08
Speaker
And then Henry comes swinging in like fucking George the Jungle and creates diversion for the OG Black Pearl crew to save Jack.
01:03:20
Speaker
um and Jack asks the crew for a tribute for saving him. I'm you're fucking crazy, bro. so but the the I thought it was really cool when the guillotine was like flipping and it would like come up and like almost cut his head off.
01:03:36
Speaker
Yeah, it was all right. its It's all feeling like rinse and repeat. Yeah, that's what these movies are. What they are. Different character. We're finding this different thing. There you go.
01:03:49
Speaker
We cut to them on this ship that's beached. And they tie Henry and Karina up. And Jack, like, activates this fucking contraption that pushes the ship into the water.
01:04:04
Speaker
ah um We cut to... Barbossa, who is approaching Salazar's ship, and their ship's about to fucking demolish Barbossa's ship, but Barbossa tells Salazar he knows he's looking for Jack Sparrow, and he says he can take Salazar to Sparrow, ah but he's not talking quick enough, and Salazar murders half of his crew before he can get at the words out that he can help him.
01:04:28
Speaker
And Salazar also thinks... He does say here there's no treasure, and they're trying to fucking sham. So I don't get... Why? Why? i don't know what he thought was going to lift his fucking curse, but Jack giving up the compass did not free him from like the the the fucking depths of hell or some shit.
01:04:49
Speaker
The triangle, but it didn't make him a human. ah We cut to Karina talking about the clues to Henry, and Jack wants to see the map, but she's like, it doesn't exist yet.
01:05:04
Speaker
Uh, and Jack's like, all right, I'll just kill Henry if you don't want to tell me. And she's like, you're bluffing. And then Jack orders them to throw Henry off the side of the, uh, the ship. And they fucking do it.
01:05:14
Speaker
Which they do. And, uh, Karina's like, no, it's in the stars. It's up there. Um, and, uh, it turns out Jack was bluffing and he just threw Henry into a lifeboat. We cut to the Navy asking Shansa to help them find the Trident.
01:05:30
Speaker
And then next scene is Henry's pissed off that Jack's asleep and he holds him at fucking tip. He does. And Jack pulls out his fucking pistol. He's like, you want to see this?
01:05:44
Speaker
You want to see this? This is your fucking mom's fucking aggravated fucking clam. Yeah, it is. Yeah, I fucking... Yeah, I fucking pulled that shit out. He's like, she was flicking that shit aggressively. You don't fucking come in like that. He's like, you don't fuck... I fucked her before your daddy did. Yeah, I fucking tongued your mom down. He's like, you what I fucking mean.
01:06:05
Speaker
ah fucking tongued your mom down in front of your dad. Yeah, bro. Who the fuck do you think you are?
01:06:12
Speaker
ah And he's like, you fucking put your sword down. I'll fucking blow you away, brother. ah And he also knows that Jack's trying to fuck Karina, which is like kind of the side love plot because every movie has to have a side love plot that nobody cares about.
01:06:26
Speaker
You mean Henry? You said Jack's? I mean, Jack's probably trying to fuck Karina too. Yeah. Henry's trying to fuck. Jack knows that Henry wants to fuck Karina. Because who would?
01:06:38
Speaker
Uh, we cut to Barbosa who is out time because he promised Salazar by the morning he'd find Jack and Sal's ready to kill him. Um, but just as he's about to, they see a ship on the horizon.
01:06:52
Speaker
and then here they decide to give us, uh, a flashback of Salazar's like life that boy we didn't fucking need. Um, So Salazar used to just slay pirates. I don't even think he worked for the government. I think he just did it for fun.
01:07:07
Speaker
Like he just went out and just killed people because he was like, they're like scum. um And he's murdering this one crew that I guess a young Jack Sparrow is on.
01:07:18
Speaker
And they use that poor guy's body and like try to CGI face a young Jack Sparrow onto this body. And by God, it looked...
01:07:31
Speaker
Horrible. I mean, this is as bad as that fucking scene in Alien Romulus when they fucking try to put that dead actor's face. That was even better, though. That was better than this.
01:07:42
Speaker
I don't know. i feel like they're kind of both in the same realm. Personally, it's bad. I'm not. They're they're both fucking horrible. It's it's hard to do it right. And it's like, why even involve Jack in any of this? Just leave.
01:07:56
Speaker
like do this flashback that Salazar used to to slay pirates or whatever. And then just like, have them just say like, this is what happened because it looked fucking terrible. Yeah. And then I guess it's just for Salazar to have a reason to hate Jack, but just make it where, Oh, he needs the compass. Cause he wants to find the trident. Jack has the compass. He's trying to get this.
01:08:16
Speaker
Like, or again, like, as we said in another recording, like Jack fucked his wife or something like it's, yeah, it would just be better. um But anyways, he kills like all of this crew besides like this one guy that gives Jack the compass and Jack survives and he goes to the top of the ship that he's on and starts talking shit.
01:08:36
Speaker
ah So they said that he was like a sparrow in the nest. So that's why he's like Jack Sparrow, Jack the Sparrow, ah which they just dropped the the and now it's Jack Sparrow.
01:08:46
Speaker
And Jack gets gifted his signature hat.
01:08:53
Speaker
Well, that happens after they trap Salazar in the... Not yet. Yeah. So they're... In this flashback, Salazar is, like, pursuing Jack.
01:09:04
Speaker
And Jack's headed forward to this death triangle. Mm-hmm. And he does like a fucking hard hard right. He like fucking loops on to a goddamn rock and like turns it does like a 180 with his ship and Salazar can't stop his ship and gets trapped in this fucking triangle, which I guess if we go in there. You're stuck there forever.
01:09:25
Speaker
Or pirates can go in there and people who aren't pirates can. I don't fucking know what the rules of this fucking triangle are. um And like you said, he gets his tribute. They had to fucking bring it back to tribute again.
01:09:37
Speaker
It's his fucking tribute. Uh, we cut back to modern day and, uh, they're at the crew is asking where the Trident is, but none of them can read the map because the map that no man can read. And she's a woman.
01:09:51
Speaker
Fuck women. Girl power. Uh, and she's a horologist, which was funny. Cause they all think she was a whore. Yeah. And they're ejects like, Hey, whatever pays the bills. Uh,
01:10:05
Speaker
Suddenly Salazar ship pulls up and the crews piss because they didn't know he was being followed by Salazar. And they kick him off this boat. ah with ah He goes with Henry and Karina.
01:10:16
Speaker
And they start rowing to this island. And Karina decides, you know what? They're after Jack. So i'm just going to get out boat and swim the shore. Which I'm pretty sure has happened before. Yes. They've been in a rowboat. they're just after you, bro. So you can get out or we're going to get out. I forgot which one, but it definitely happens.
01:10:34
Speaker
ah Salazar's ship has some zombie sharks is what I'm calling them. but I mean, that's what the exactly what they were. And they unleashed he unleashes them. um Karina makes it to shore and Henry goes to jump in, but they get they get attacked by these sharks.
01:10:50
Speaker
It also was funny because Jack was like mad that Henry us made... Karina stopped stripping because she was like getting naked.
01:11:01
Speaker
Getting naked. And Henry's like, I saw her ankles. Jack's like, you would have saw way more than that if you shut the fuck up. Jack's like, I'm trying to see her fucking nipples.
01:11:15
Speaker
Let's fucking see them. Let me see them aerials. Fuck. Uh... so So he falls in the water and Jack pulls him up just in time. And there's a fucking slow-mo of a shark. fucking um ya Why do we do a slow-mo action shot? is This is Zack Snyder.
01:11:32
Speaker
Yeah. Uh, Henry throws his jacket in the water, to distract the sharks and tries to swim to shore. ah and Jack's foot is stuck in the boat.
01:11:44
Speaker
So, uh, Salazar and crew start charging them, and they can run on water like Jesus Christ. Yeah, we got like 80 G's. G's eye, right? 80 G's eye running at us.
01:11:57
Speaker
Steve from Friday the 13th could not do this. No. Unfortunately, he's not that much of the Messiah, if you believe in that kind of thing. We don't. Correct. I got a fucking spam text message saying that from a person saying that God put me in their messenger or whatever the fuck yeah god put you in my newsletter but forgot to leave your name god's not real and lose my fucking number bitch like how they get your number like i don't know are the fucking churches now hacking people's like fucking phone numbers and just their text them they're just hacking people's assholes and trying to fuck little boys you're right but you're not a little boy not anymore uh
01:12:41
Speaker
So there's this thing where like Jack puts a rope inside the shark's mouth. It's like the mini, it's like the anchor for like the rowboat. Right. ah And the shark starts chasing after Henry and it like pulls Jack with him on the boat and they both kind of like crash land on shore.
01:13:00
Speaker
and We find out here that Salazar and crew can't go on land. They're stuck in the water. Like this is so fucking repetitive. Cause Davy Jones was the exact same thing. Yep. Um, Karina runs off looking for what are the fuck she's looking for? So they, are so Jack and Henry follow, uh, they get caught in these nets. And I was like, are they really gonna bring back these fucking people or what the fuck are they gonna do next? Cannibal Holocaust motherfuckers.
01:13:25
Speaker
Yeah. Um, The Navy catches up to the Black Pearl crew and Gibbs is like, I'm not the captain. It's Scrum.
01:13:37
Speaker
And they beat the shit out of Scrum for info. Fuck you, Scrum Rod. ah Next scene is Salzar murdering Barbossa's crew because they didn't catch Sparrow.
01:13:47
Speaker
And Barbossa's like, wait, wait, wait. Let me go on land because I can go on land and I'll bring Sparrow to you. And he's like, okay. And then there's this this whole fucking scene, which is like, just what? Like, did we need this?
01:14:00
Speaker
Absolutely fucking. Can we say it? Retarded. Yeah, it's just i don't get why this is in the movie, but. Sparrow wakes up in a noose.
01:14:11
Speaker
ah And to someone he knows named Pig Kelly. name Who he owes some plunder to. Shout out R. Kelly. And definitely not. yeah and And Pig Kelly, like, you owe me, so you're going to marry my sister Beatrice and make her an honest woman.
01:14:30
Speaker
Let me tell you something. This is fucking Divine from Pink Flamingos, bro. Maybe. No, I'd probably fuck Divine over this thing. I would too. Oh my god.
01:14:41
Speaker
This bitch had fucking crust. Literal crust on her lips.
01:14:49
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, literal fucking... my God, you need some fucking head and shoulders for your lips, girl. And I forgot what he, what Jack said, but essentially he was like, i got herpes. She's like, yeah, I do too.
01:15:00
Speaker
And then, uh, Barbosa shows up and, uh, she's big Kelly, right? Fucking stomach, bro. Nope. He's like, fuck you, bro. Uh, should have shot a sister too, but whatever.
01:15:15
Speaker
And he says he's come for the trident and, uh, Jack's going to bring them to it and they're to cross Salazar by using the pearl. um So Barbossa still has Blackbeard's sword and he uses Blackbeard's sword to release the Black Pearl from the bottle.
01:15:32
Speaker
ah So they blow the fucking Black Pearl up. Not blow it up, but they like make it big. It's like, yeah, it's like those little figures they used to put in water and they expand. Yeah, exactly. yeah exactly ah So we're on the Pearl now and Karina is saying that she has the rest of the map, but they have her tied up.
01:15:49
Speaker
Again, makes no sense why they're tying her up, but ah the OG Black Pearl crew who's not on the Black Pearl right now is locked up on a Navy ship and I don't know how this happened but I guess they're pulling Scrum's toenail out to then pick the lock. lock, yeah. It was kind of gross.
01:16:11
Speaker
I kind of made that my head and I thought you were going to me that was a fucking idiot for that but I guess this movie is that fucking retarded and did that. Literally did that. ah We cut back to Barbossa who decides to let Karina ah follow the stars to lead them to where they're going to go.
01:16:26
Speaker
ah The Black Pearl crew escapes and ah sees the actual Black Pearl sailing on the water. um Barbossa walks over to Karina and sees the ruby on the cover.
01:16:38
Speaker
And essentially... He knows the star names or whatever. Karina, that she's named after a star, Karina. And you kind of put together here that she's his daughter.
01:16:49
Speaker
Yeah. um And Jack's like, who did who did you fuck to make Because you're ugly motherfucker, bro. And Jack tries to blackmail Barbossa because he knows.
01:17:02
Speaker
um But Barbossa believes that she'll never believe that he's her father. So there's no deal. Jack does ask for the monkey, which is kind of funny. Yeah, Jack, Jack.
01:17:13
Speaker
Jack wants Jack. To jack him off. A little toy. A little fucking monkey jacking you off is fucking wild. Bro, bro the monkey. You know how monkeys climb like vines?
01:17:25
Speaker
And it's like two and then two. And they're like going like this. You have to like hold the monkey. The monkey has like all four vines. ah Just jerking yourself off with the monkey.
01:17:37
Speaker
Just grab the fucking a monkey by its back and just start fucking getting like a shake weight. Oh my god. I don't give fuck. That's fucking wild. You know what I'm talking about it though, right? No, I get it. Yeah, they're fucking... yeah Like, what do I have to what a look up? Monkeys? They're fucking stroking that vine, you know?
01:17:58
Speaker
You know what I mean. yeah Like
Thematic Climax and Resolutions
01:18:00
Speaker
on some lemur shit. Like this? Like... this
01:18:05
Speaker
But it's Jack's car and he's just grabbing the fucking monkeys. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, alright. Climb my shit, bitch. Yeah. oh And clean the fucking nut in the floor and you're done.
01:18:18
Speaker
Right. That's fucking banana cream right there, baby. Get it. fucking so Yeah, because there's fucking bananas in the Caribbean. Right, and bitten monkeys love bananas. Yeah.
01:18:30
Speaker
I don't know if Brian does, though.
01:18:37
Speaker
oh Yeah,
01:18:44
Speaker
yeah Brian. You like bananas or what? He would like it.
01:18:52
Speaker
rabo
01:18:56
Speaker
cut that right
01:19:00
Speaker
ya he would like it Yeah, but I mean, to the general public, he knows he's a nah mean. yeah well. Brian, I'll just clip it for you and send it to, I'll have Gerald send it to That's crazy.
01:19:14
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So, um don't know how he got there, but, yeah Because the fucking monkey was stroking his shit, bro.
01:19:24
Speaker
Stroking his shit. That monkey's been through fucking war, bro. Jerking Jack off, seeing Elizabeth's fucking enraged clit. and He was a zombie, remember? Yo, he's been through a whole fucking thing.
01:19:37
Speaker
um And that's how his final days are going to be settled. chuck Fucking stroking off Jack Sparrow.
01:19:44
Speaker
Jack and Jack. This Navy ship pulls up on him, but then Sal's our ship pulled up and crushes the Navy ship. And they board the Pearl.
01:19:55
Speaker
There's a fight scene. Jack's like trying to evade Sal's are. And as you mentioned, this giant mermaid statue looking bitch in the front of the ship comes to life and starts attacking Sparrow.
01:20:07
Speaker
It's like those big ass soldiers that were defending Hogwarts. and Yeah, but way less cool. Yeah, yeah. And Jack's able to redirect this cannon and like blows it in her face.
01:20:19
Speaker
you Jack comes off and fucking blows in her face. Yeah, he does. And that's how you defeat a giant. Just cum in its face. Yeah, they can't see. And then she gets smushed between the two ships.
01:20:31
Speaker
We see Jack and Salazar fight in the bottom of the pearl. um They finally find the land they've been looking for because these stars supposed to align and illuminate like a an island.
01:20:43
Speaker
And because they're headed towards land, Salazar and his crew like pull off and return to their ship, but take Henry with them. um the island is essentially an island full of stars that reflect the universe, I guess, or something. Some gay shit.
01:20:58
Speaker
Yeah, and one star that's not glowing, and the final piece, the reason why it's not glowing is they have it in the journal, and they put it in the star, and the star lights up, ah which for some reason, all these stars lighting up activates the trident.
01:21:15
Speaker
And the fucking infinity stones of... Yeah, but And the ocean strap splits. This is the only scene that I actually remember from the movie when I saw it in theaters was this part.
01:21:27
Speaker
um They find the earthquake. Yeah. Or what do you call it when they yeah they when they split? Like what Moses did? Yeah, split the fucking... Yeah. No, he didn't.
01:21:38
Speaker
So they fall down this fucking crevice, crack, split, um and find the trident pretty easily. So that's that. It really looks like a fucking tree. It doesn't even look like metal or anything. It looked really fucking dumb.
01:21:54
Speaker
I didn't hate it I always think of like the Trident from like a Little Mermaid. Or i my mind went to Aquaman, which is not a good thing. It's better than Little Mermaid.
01:22:08
Speaker
You think Aquaman once better than Little Mermaid? No, just like the fact that I pulled out a princess movie.
01:22:14
Speaker
Oh, because like you're kind of gay. Yeah. Instead of saying like, oh yeah, Aquaman's got a Trident. That movie sucks though. Yeah. So there the problem is the the ocean's been split, and ah they're on land, so Salazar can't pursue them. So Salazar takes over Henry's body, and he starts fighting Jack.
01:22:39
Speaker
Karina frees the trident, but Salazar slash Henry. It's a real they-them right there. Yeah, it is They take it ah And because they have the trident, Salazar sheds Henry off. I'm be like, get off me.
01:22:56
Speaker
um And Salazar's like fucking, he got like the fucking Imperium, Imperius. What is it? The Imperius, the Imperiatus. Yeah. One the control people in Harry Potter, you know what talking about. Yeah, I do.
01:23:08
Speaker
I combined two spells together. I'm sorry. It's Imperius. He's like doing the thing like this. He's like controlling the water. I said Imperium because it's Daniel Radcliffe, but he's saying the N-word in one movie and then not saying it in another movie.
01:23:21
Speaker
He's saying blood instead. Can we just call not meeting the lions now, or what should we do? No, we should. or if we should. Look, there's fucking Brian. You can put the Brian over here. He's like, just Brian, you made on the show.
01:23:37
Speaker
um so
01:23:41
Speaker
Salazar has had enough playing with Jack fucking wing him in the air and shit. And he tries to stab him with the, uh, trident, but the journal blocks the trident. Uh, and then Henry snaps Salazar stick.
01:23:53
Speaker
Yeah. With his stick. AKA the trident. Yeah. just my wops it. Um, and something here at the end, you're supposed to like come to the realization, I guess the audience does too, that like when you, uh, break the trident, every curse ever has been lifted.
01:24:08
Speaker
Right. So, That's fucking gay. because then what happens Because then what happens in the next movie when there's a curse on something? You can't break the curse because the tridents aren't even broken. That's the end-all be-all.
01:24:21
Speaker
Right, because every movie deals with curses in this fucking franchise. don't know what the fuck they're going to the next movie. but um Oh, they're going to do a prequel before Jack Sparrow's time.
01:24:32
Speaker
But star in Johnny Depp. yeah Hopefully not, but like not nothing against Johnny Depp. I'm just done with like the Jack Sparrow universe. Just like something else. Oh, fuck.
01:24:43
Speaker
Yeah. He signed on because after the whole Amber Heard shit, I know after the whole Amber Heard shit and Disney was like came crying back like, oh, you're innocent. Sorry, sorry.
01:24:54
Speaker
And they probably offered in some like stupid amount of money. They're like, oh, Sweeney, let me let us suck your peener, please. Yeah. Because he showed up at Disney World like dressed as Jack.
01:25:05
Speaker
Like, ah fuck, he's back. Did he really? Yeah. Oh. Like, for the public? Or just did that? For the public, yeah. That's cool. As like, ah I'm back.
01:25:17
Speaker
ah So, because they broke the trident, Salazar and his crew all become men again. And the split sea starts to close. The Pearl Crew pick up Sparrow, Karina, and Henry on an anchor, but Salazar is able to latch on.
01:25:34
Speaker
At one point, Karina is about to fall off the the anchor, and Barbossa grabs onto her, and she sees the tattoo of the stars on his arm, which I guess they've been hiding you know all this time.
01:25:47
Speaker
For five fucking movies now. The gayest little tattoo I've ever seen in my life. And then she's like, who are you to me? And he's like, you're my treasure.
01:25:59
Speaker
but He latches her on and Jack drops down a sword for him. And Barbossa sacrifices himself to kill Salazar and save them.
01:26:10
Speaker
ah We cut and i don't know why I wrote this, but I wrote Karina and Henry are a couple living on Epstein's Island.
01:26:19
Speaker
I don't really know why I wrote that. It's not Epstein's Island. They're not pedophiles, but they're on an island. They're not underage. Yeah, and Will is on land because he's been freed from this curse.
01:26:30
Speaker
ah When out of the blue, Liz shows up. Hey, what's up? Twat hole. How you doing? She was looking good at her age, too. She looking thin.
01:26:44
Speaker
And yeah she didn't have as perky as fucking tits as she used to, but I'm okay with it. I'm still going to eat it. Absolutely. Absolutely. ah At this point, I'd go to go take a piss, but I'm pretty sure they just kiss, and then they'd all live happily ever after. Jack gets to be captain of the Pearl again.
01:27:02
Speaker
ah and that's like the end of the movie. And they kind of hint at something. They're on to our next like whatever. Yeah. What the next movie is just about Jack trying to find that shit in his bed.
01:27:17
Speaker
ah ah And that's the end of the It's fucking gay. Because like Barbossa was like fucking gay. Barbossa was like the one that never he always like was like super serious the entire franchise.
01:27:30
Speaker
Yeah. At the very end he's like, that's my daughter.
01:27:36
Speaker
Do you think Geoffrey Rush, though, is like kind of dumb being like doing pirates, though? I imagine that's part of it. He's in his now, probably. He was born in 1951. Yeah. 72. He's done five pirate movies. He's probably like, I'm done.
01:27:50
Speaker
And now he's got to walk on one leg. He's like, I'm... Get a little for this shit. At least it's bedazzled. That's true.
Franchise Reflection and Future Hints
01:28:01
Speaker
uh oh boy it's just rinse and repeat these films are rinse and repeat a heavy bike but i don't hate this one as much as i hate the other ones or other ones so i'll give you i'll give you my rating and my ranking because i didn't i forgot to rank the last one uh but it's in the episode so i'll have to go back and listen to it but i'm personally giving this one like a two
01:28:28
Speaker
I got... I'll go from worst to best. The last, very last place, Pirates Caribbean at World's End. Give that a two-star. Movie fucking sucks. ah The next two are probably tied, but whatever.
01:28:42
Speaker
ah Pirates of the Caribbean Deadman Tell No Tales is probably going to two and a half from me. It's just fine. That CGI is kind of unforgivable. I also watched this on 4K and it would look like shit.
01:28:54
Speaker
Absolute dark shit. Yeah, it had a steelbook. Yeah. yeah ah Then I got Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides, a movie that i already don't remember. This is with the mermaids. I remember us talking about fucking eating mermaids out or whatever. Yeah, we did.
01:29:11
Speaker
But this movie also is like, same shit, a woman who doesn't have much meaning in the film, a stupid romance side plot, and it's just like, what... Do you like Poseidon's Trident or The Fountain of Youth more? What's more intriguing to you?
01:29:25
Speaker
That's just trying like where it's at. And this movie is slightly longer. ah Then in ah third, second place with a three star got Pirates Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest.
01:29:40
Speaker
It's fine. It's got my girl Liz in it. I want to eat her out. ah And then in first place, obviously Pirates of Caribbean, The Curse the Black Pearl. It's a good movie. I give it a three and a half.
01:29:52
Speaker
What started it all, and then they just dragged these characters for five fucking movies doing the same shit. Yeah, we've been trying to give you some entertaining... Commentary, but wow. hes smooth We definitely have.
01:30:04
Speaker
i mean, this franchise features you rubbing your fake clit. i mean that Yeah, that's true. That shit was so... You were like legs up fucking rubbing it. Getting ready. Yeah. I mean, I will say... i would say our best episodes on this coverage is probably the first two.
01:30:20
Speaker
And the next three are kind of stinkers, but I mean...
01:30:25
Speaker
This episode is pretty funny, right? Yeah. I mean, we we said some crazy shit about Brian.
01:30:32
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, Jack jacked himself off with monkey. pretty wild. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's it. Well, i I don't even know if we should let you guys vote anymore on the franchise we do.
01:30:42
Speaker
Now, fuck you. It's offensive. It's offensively movies. what What else did we have in there? We had Scream in there. What the fuck? We had Scream in there. we had... and might still be on the YouTube.
01:30:54
Speaker
I know it goes away on everything else, but YouTube might still have it. Only one of the Scream movies would have been a two.
01:31:03
Speaker
ah Scream 6 is a 2. Which you haven't seen yet, right? No. We had the Bourne franchise, which is good. ah Scream, which is good. Pirates the Caribbean. And the Hunger Games we had.
01:31:16
Speaker
I haven't seen any of the Hunger Games, so I don't know. But I've heard the are pretty good. It has to be better than this, right? I've never seen. It's got to be fucking Kane, dude. I haven't seen the new one, like Song of the Soundbird or whatever. ah Yeah, so we'll ah we'll let you know at some point what we're going to do as far as a franchise. We have an idea.
01:31:37
Speaker
Probably, i mean, we're probably just going to edge you and then let you know sometime next year when we're gonna what it's going to be. Do you want to give them a vague hint?
01:31:48
Speaker
I mean, you can say it. i if We'll see how vague it is.
01:31:53
Speaker
The color black. I think that gives it away. The color black gives what away? I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, the color black. Yeah, that could mean anything.
01:32:04
Speaker
You like blacks? You like blacks? Get ready for Black History Month. Yeah, hell yeah. ah We'll do a...
01:32:14
Speaker
So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail.com. Follow us on YouTube, tick tock letterboxed individually.
01:32:27
Speaker
Send us a voicemail. Five away, eight and fist us five away, eight dip tip six minute limit. Listen to our other physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it?
01:32:39
Speaker
I'll fucking give it to you. gonna give it to Liz. I'm gonna fucking jerk myself off with a monkey. Yeah, I'm gonna buy a monkey just to fucking sexually abuse it. what Oh my god.
01:32:51
Speaker
not That monkey's gonna abuse my monkey. so Hell yeah. ah Next week we got... a new release for you, Toxic Avenger. I'm excited.
01:33:03
Speaker
I'm excited for the movie. It looks good. so. And I'm excited that Umbrella's plugging it because that means they're probably going to release it on physical at some point. And it's unrated, so it's going to be gory.
01:33:14
Speaker
um W. W's in the chat. You and I watched Toxic Avenger. Was it both our first time watch you'd seen it? Yeah, both of us. in that movie rocked. The movie was fucking great. And we watched the other movie that was fucking horrible.
01:33:25
Speaker
Fried Berry. Yeah, movie's fucking AIDS. I gave the first Tosic Avenger a four star. Yeah, it's like so movie corny and campy. it's But it's good. Practical effects go a long way.
01:33:40
Speaker
Fun times. Okay, here's other question if we should do this or not. this is coming out This is coming out at the end of ah at the end of August. Should we edit them like we did last year and let them know one of the movies we're doing for Horror Month?
01:33:53
Speaker
Yes. Okay. Do you, I'll let you pick one first. Okay. You can also pick my nose and my ass. I'm going to fucking fuck your nose. Look at those nostrils. They're big.
01:34:04
Speaker
Big as fucks. Good. Fuck the shit out of fuck the shit out of my nostrils. Please. Yeah. All right. i Dude, if you fuck if you fucking pick one that's for Christmas Horror Month, I'm going to laugh so fucking hard. okay No, I'm up here. i'm up here I'm going to go with maybe a little hidden gem, I'll call it.
01:34:25
Speaker
Uncut job? Yeah. A little movie called Motel Hell. It's a big W. Big W. If you haven't seen that movie, go check it out. It's fucking cool.
01:34:37
Speaker
We also covered it a little bit on Yeah, You Want It? Yeah. Nice steel books. Shout out. Yeah. Screen factory for giving it some love. Hell yeah.
01:34:48
Speaker
Uh, so that's one of them. We'll let you, we'll just keep fucking telling you guys, you know, one after another each, each week. You're fucking get it. And, uh, until next time we'll fucking see you guys.
01:34:59
Speaker
Yeah. Fucking toodles. Fuck you, Mark. And fuck you, Tyler. Cause now your friends will mark. that Yeah, you're guilty by association. Also, fuck us because we're friends with Mark.
01:35:10
Speaker
Ah, Jesus Christ. fuck Fuck us. Yeah, just fuck me already.