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Doom Asylum 1988
38 Plays4 months ago
Doom Asylum. A movie where the gore is cheap, the jokes are cheaper, and the killer looks like he wandered in from a dental malpractice lawsuit. It’s a slasher that feels like someone dared a film crew to make a horror‑comedy during their lunch break… and they said ‘bet.’
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Dead Notes' and 'Doom Asylum'
00:00:25
Speaker
Hello, welcome to Dead Notes, the horror and cult film podcast. I am Kevin, and with me is a man whose name sounds like music. wonder if he practices Break!
00:00:40
Speaker
Break! ah wonder if he practices safe sex i yeah break die
00:00:57
Speaker
the best character in the movie. Hi, I'm Alan. We're talking about Doom Asylum from 1988.
Tubi: A Streaming Platform for Old Films
00:01:06
Speaker
oh Which is on the, which is, we talked about, is on the only streaming platform we can afford. Which is Tubi. Absolutely. Tubi.
00:01:17
Speaker
Where, uh, where, where movies go to die. Yeah. Yeah, but it's the most amazing graveyard to sift through. Yeah, you can.
00:01:31
Speaker
i've I've been shocked when I found certain movies that I found on there. And some of them even, they're like transferred over from VHS. Straight from the VHS, man. I love that.
00:01:44
Speaker
Because fuck it. yeah These motherfuckers aren't paying for it. They leave in the segment where they're adjusting the tracking. that's Dude, that's been on one of them I can't remember which movie, but it was all fuzzy. And you could tell they hit the tracking and it got rid of it real quick. And then the movie started.
00:02:02
Speaker
They hit a tracking button. Back in my day, we had to turn a fucking knob. Yeah, the old knobs. Yeah, man. yeah i I don't, I remember at least back then when you put a VHS tape in, there was always like, I don't know if this is my favorite VHS. So I don't want to watch it because it might get eaten. Yeah.
00:02:25
Speaker
It was that like, you got that anxiety before you put it in there.
Nostalgia for VHS Tapes and Tech Evolution
00:02:30
Speaker
Oh yeah. And I remember digging them out. It was like surgery, especially if it was one that you loved. And also if you found a movie like a, with a sex scene in it, you'll, you'd notice if you had younger brothers, part of the tape always was fuzzy and shit. Cause it got played so much. It got paused and rewound. Yeah.
00:02:52
Speaker
ah nowadays you can now Nowadays, you can't do that unless ah unless you put it back in and the fucking Blu-ray player remembers where you were at. It asks you, do you want to continue?
00:03:08
Speaker
Son of a bitch! Yeah. ah yeah You know what I saw recently you need to check out is i recommend to pretty much everybody as that new Frankenstein movie.
00:03:23
Speaker
Yeah, I haven't watched it yet. It's definitely on my list, though. Oh, man. Guillermo del Toro. it It's a little... so It might be ah a little too much for some people, but it's really gory. I mean, for ah for a Frankenstein movie, there's a lot of gore in it.
00:03:39
Speaker
I love the one from... What is it?
Guillermo del Toro's Frankenstein and 1994 Coppola Reminiscences
00:03:42
Speaker
94? it another... The Francis Ford Coppola Frankenstein? Yeah. I fucking love that one, too. It's incredible.
00:03:49
Speaker
and yeah Not a lot of people remember that one for some reason, but it's brutal too, and it's taken place like during the plague, so everything's like just dismal as can be, and just it's nasty.
00:04:01
Speaker
i love it. Everyone has ah fucking their wieners falling off and shit. They got syphilis. All right, then. I'm getting the better.
00:04:13
Speaker
right. Like, I was feeling better, but the fucking plague came along and put the nail in the coffin. Yeah. Yep. Double whammy. But this new Frankenstein is kind of kind of reminds me of the ah ah Friday the 13th remake where they where Jason was, like, slim and athletic. That's kind of what they did with Frankenstein in this. And he's, and he's like, Hulk strong. Yeah.
00:04:39
Speaker
But it's still pretty cool, man. it's and he like know him ah They made him like sexy Squidward. Yeah, basically. he does He does look like sexy Squidward. SpongeBob!
00:04:56
Speaker
Yeah, not the David Hasselhoff version, but when his... That picture, I think I sent it to you where it had the side-by-side, and it was that video from that fucking stupid-ass song. It's like, man, if you ever reach a door... You know I'm talking about? Where he's all painted, fucking retarded.
00:05:17
Speaker
um hate that fucking song, dude. God. It plays at like all the stores all the fucking time. i I probably know it, but I don't know it. think sent a Anybody that knows that rhythm that I just screeched out, then you'll know what I'm talking about. ah It's not good enough for me remember any words.
00:05:39
Speaker
Just what's been burned into my brain. That's what I get for going to the fucking store. i hate going outside. Well, I mean... You know the best Frankenstein obviously is putting on Ritz.
00:05:53
Speaker
Yeah.
Listener's Request: 'Doom Asylum' Skepticism
00:05:55
Speaker
If you're blue and don't know where to go to, why don't you where fashion sits? You go, for Ritz!
00:06:04
Speaker
Putting on Ritz! Putting on the Ritz! Young Frankie. Young Frankie. young frankie Young Frankie.
00:06:16
Speaker
Yeah, and ah but we're... This fucking Doom Asylum, I think, ah was a request, and I think we're being trolled with this one. i think He's trying to get us. He got us all right. ah anthony's Anthony, you're probably laughing right now so bad.
00:06:42
Speaker
Yeah. He's like, I bet you can't make it through this. It was it was hard, man, but... I mean, i won't say that it was like... There was some stuff in it where I was like, oh that's kind of cool. It was like, maybe it's coming back. And then I was like, what the fuck just happened?
00:07:00
Speaker
Well... Well, it's like an hour and 20 minutes, right? i And it still is like 25% filler, like with the padding with like the old movie scenes and shit like that. Which I do like that. I like what they were trying to do with that because they were doing kind of like the side-by-side play of they were both kind of happening at the same time.
00:07:27
Speaker
but yeah, I don't know. Yeah. ah Good idea. of Poor execution a little bit, I guess. I don't know. I would re-edit this movie and ah and take out all those scenes.
00:07:41
Speaker
and the yeah I would take out all those scenes because they also kind of padded a little bit. Well, the intro. The intro is so nice we get to see it twice.
00:07:53
Speaker
the yeah But I would take out all those scenes with um the movies and stuff playing. And they at the end the movie, well, at the end of the movie ah wow i Well, there's a couple parts where ah it just has Patty Mullins walking around in her bikini. Fill out the sea. You could have made this a three-hour movie. Just padded out with her walking around.
00:08:23
Speaker
Right. I mean, ah you know, not being a goon here or anything, but I bet there i bet it would i bet this movie would have been watched. I bet all three hours would have been watched. mean,
00:08:39
Speaker
Well, in 1988, yeah, absolutely. agreew wow able It would have been rewound a bunch. It would have been a lot of fuzzy tapes, I'm sure. Half this movie would have been fuzzy. Yeah. This tape would always get eight in the VCR. you know Well, you know your budget is low when you got a low-budget horror movie and there's only one set of boobs in it.
00:09:06
Speaker
Yeah. And I guess they paid her $100 to show her titties. $100? Not Patty Mullins. What's her name that played Tina? Yeah.
00:09:18
Speaker
They were like, here's $100. Show us those fucking mommy milkers. Yeah. I always wonder, like, in in a thousand years when they dig up corpses of these women, like archaeologists of the future dig up corpses of ah women with breast implants, if the silicone lasts that long, if they know where it was when they were alive, like if they reconstruct the body and they're, like, on their shoulders or something. can't even know. how they always get dinosaurs wrong. Now they say now they say they're feathered.
00:09:52
Speaker
ah they'll dig up They'll dig up like OnlyFans whores. people so like there draw Their illustrations of women will be like with their boobs hanging off their shoulders.
00:10:04
Speaker
yeah Like shoulder straps. If they dug up Kim Kardashian, imagine the puzzle they would have to solve to figure out where all those bags of silicone went.
00:10:15
Speaker
Yeah, and all those plastic pieces. We believe they were inside of their body. ah She's got like, they they put her fucking butt implants on her feet so she looks like she's got fucking huge ass cankles and titty shoulders.
00:10:34
Speaker
yeah she's got titty shoulders and her fucking ass implants are just on her feet it'll look like when you make like a retarded ass person on the on like fallout or whatever when you want to make somebody look really dumb ah yeah morale and like weird proportions and stuff like oblivion yeah they got a like the oblivion yeah that one used to do it on there too ah They'll have like, ah they'll they'll test the the skin and the fucking face and lips were so full of toxins that with a if they'll think that's what she died from. Yeah.
00:11:15
Speaker
This is... ah all the These weird fucking shoulder-titted monsters fucking took down the human race.
00:11:30
Speaker
And now there's guys getting like ah ah their legs extended. Oh, yeah. awkward heard about that, too. i oh man. That'll be so funny if that takes hold. and It's
Humor on Future Archaeologists and Modern Beauty
00:11:43
Speaker
going to be like that South Park episode. ah Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:48
Speaker
Yeah, they're gonna they're going to yeah plastic surgery. I mean, if they if a could consistently make a... Like how breast implants are popular. like I'm making fun of it.
00:12:00
Speaker
But if there was a surgery to for like ah a reliable like popular surgery for penis enlargements, I think 98% of the population... Everyone that could afford one would get one. It doesn't matter.
00:12:14
Speaker
If you got a 12 inch fucking thigh slapper on you, you're still going to be like, you know, 14 sounds better than 12. Right? Yeah. I mean, that's, that's why some of these women end up with titties that look like fucking four gallons of water inside of them.
00:12:33
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's never big enough. Yeah. And then they'll dig us up and think that that went on our foreheads or something. We got this big, long pipe of silicone. Their illustrations of us would look like Choder Boy.
00:12:50
Speaker
Look like one of those fucking ah and angler fish. Yeah. With a little thing dangling in front of its mouth. They must have lived deep in the sea. ah At the bottom of the Walking around as fucking Choder Boy.
00:13:08
Speaker
It says here that they gave off they gave up hamster style, Dad. Yeah, some guys got like this 12-inch dangler in front of their face, and then other guys got this little chode. Like, we think this one was a baby. Yeah. ah ah It's got a sapling.
00:13:29
Speaker
Yeah, it's so sweet. Hey, look at it. He's so cute. That's the worst thing you can say. If a guy pulls his pants down in front of you, don't tell him he's got a cute dick. It's so cute. Hey, man, that's a cute dick.
00:13:45
Speaker
that's Hey, bro. or Or if you're standing next to a guy at a urinal. I almost said that. Hey, man, cute dick. Hey, bro, cute dick. ah I feel like yeah more my life's falling apart. I want to go get my ass kicked.
00:14:06
Speaker
You know what I haven't done in a while? Gotten beat up in a bathroom. Yeah, that's right. Hey, bro. You know what I haven't done a while? Kiss the floor of a bathroom, a public bathroom.
00:14:17
Speaker
Yeah. What's up, bro? Cute dick. That's a cute dick on you. That's a cute dick on you. Oh, look at them little teeny balls. Yeah.
00:14:31
Speaker
Damn, look at them balls. We go, what are you looking for? I go, well, you had your pants down around your goddamn ankles. He's one of those guys. Yeah, I was trying to keep you from falling.
00:14:44
Speaker
ah
00:14:48
Speaker
I don't know. what women who Women who have never been in a male men's restroom, at a public restroom, I'll tell you why... you will you should never date a man that pulls his pants down to his ankles when he pees because there is piss everywhere in the men's restroom.
00:15:11
Speaker
if I think some people do it on purpose because if if if I drop something in there, i guess that's where it lives now. but i think it's a sign of pride.
00:15:25
Speaker
Yeah, they're marking their territory. Yeah. If I dropped a hundred dollar bill in one of those public restrooms, I think I'd leave it. Well, it's soaked in piss now.
00:15:38
Speaker
yeah It's bad. It's, it's really bad. ah It's like, it's, and it's easy. It's easy to get it in there when it's a urinal.
00:15:51
Speaker
Even if you got a chode.
00:15:54
Speaker
He'll just pee straight. you Right at the wall. Almost like you're peeing at the wall. Just like it. No reason to miss that urinal.
00:16:06
Speaker
I know shit. True story. I went to the grocery store that yesterday the day before yesterday because I was buying Powerball tickets. And I had just got off work and I got a long drive. So I went into the bathroom to use the urinal. And there was what looked like a homeless man in there screaming at his fucking bitch. I was like, well, I'm going to go wait outside until he's done. And I went and bought my lottery tickets and he never came out. I was like, well, I guess I'm waiting until I get home. What?
00:16:48
Speaker
I don't know. anymore i don't know. no he was, he was, he was talking to it. Like, I don't, I don't know what he was saying. Cause he sounded so drunk. Like his speech was really slurred, but he was going to fucking goddamn, you're fucking, but you know, he's standing at the urinal looking at it. Like he's fucking choking the life out of it or something.
00:17:10
Speaker
I just turned right around and walked out. i was like, I am not going to stay in here and get sexually assaulted by this man. He's going to scream at your dick. I don't know what kind of strength he has. I may not be able to get away. Sounds like he's using it all up.
00:17:28
Speaker
Although I have i have discovered the the wonderful uses of cocoa butter like recently, so I might just slip out of his grip. Oh, my God.
00:17:43
Speaker
Oh, yeah, ah my bad. Sorry. i i it just I just had to mention the ah the man in the bathroom. yeah that's just so funny.
00:17:54
Speaker
I understand why women don't like to use public restrooms um without somebody there. Yeah. because Because I walked into it and was like, oh, my God. Yeah, dude.
00:18:06
Speaker
It's just fucking wild. This is scary. Yeah. Big scary man choking his penis in the bathroom. Fucking punching it. I almost went and... I grabbed it by the collar and started punching it. i so Yeah, he squeezed... He's in there just fucking going ham on his shit.
00:18:27
Speaker
He's squeezing it to get all the wrinkles out of it so it looks like a shiny... Yeah, because he's got a job interview. Yeah. how am i going to get How am I going to present myself with all these wrinkles in my dick? I'm going over to McDonald's.
00:18:48
Speaker
How am I going to present myself with all these wrinkles? My changes today. Yeah, he was in there turning his life around, and I judged him. He definitely was. He was turning something around, sounds like.
00:19:03
Speaker
I feel ashamed now. yeah i used to I used to work with this old man who got ah his um he got he got his pelvis injured in some kind of accident where he had to get surgery, so he walked funny. and um i used i told I told a guy that um he cut his dick off in that accident, and they sewed it back on upside down so his urethra...
00:19:28
Speaker
I said so his urethro was on the top. and ah And he completely bought it. And he... at ah
00:19:48
Speaker
He completely thought it i it was true. and Which would be... shit. Hot take. If the urethra was on the top, peeing with a boner into a toilet would be way easier.
00:20:04
Speaker
Because when you push it down, you pinch the stream off. but yeah he Eventually, it came up. and he was he was The old man was mad at me. but he Small price to pay because that guy believed it. He at least seemed like he believed it
00:20:29
Speaker
I keep thinking of when on the Goonies when they broke that fucking penis off the statue, they glued it upside
00:20:39
Speaker
Yeah, I feel bad in retrospect. I kind of feel bad i making fun of his tragedy. They put his penis upside down.
00:20:52
Speaker
Oh. but ah Well, I mean, it's not my fault that people exist that are so dumb they believe that.
00:21:03
Speaker
Oh, man, I heard the reason why you walk weird. It's because your penis is upside down.
00:21:13
Speaker
like It's so stupid.
00:21:23
Speaker
Hey, they got it attached to the right spot. Right. I mean, we sit in and sew it to his leg. It was 180 degrees out. You got that off by 180 degrees. I definitely didn't square that one off.
00:21:38
Speaker
ah ah Yeah. you Holy shit. Oh my God.
00:21:51
Speaker
oh my god ah I don't know why we've been talking about dicks. For like 20 minutes.
00:22:05
Speaker
Dicks right side up, dicks from upside down. ah ah Crooked, yeah angry, angry, ah angry english domestic abused penises.
00:22:20
Speaker
Oh, fuck. Don't hit me, Mr. Homeless Man. I'm just your penis. don't ah Don't attack me. Oh, my God.
00:22:30
Speaker
Okay. Are you going to get us back on track, Kevin? Doom Asylum, brought to you by the only streaming service we can afford. This is Tubi. Tubi!
00:22:45
Speaker
we're Hopefully we're going to get a we're goingnna get a ah sponsorship but that won't pay us because it's free. So we can get this shit free for life. Yeah, free for life. Commercials and all.
00:22:58
Speaker
yeah all right so hope we Targeted ads. You're going to get ads for penis enlargement yeah devices and cocoa butter now? Because it's hurt us.
00:23:09
Speaker
ah are targeted ads my ah i my she who will not be named that's right next to me is listening to everything yeah my my device that all I ever ask it for is what the weather is oh no yeah
00:23:32
Speaker
everything I'm not smart enough to utilize ah a l e x a yeah ah I can't say the name because she'll go, what? Yeah. what What do you want?
00:23:46
Speaker
Yeah. Are we going to pick up the conversation we had earlier? yeah About that thing on your nuts? Yeah.
00:24:00
Speaker
Oh, shit. How to properly ah pull a Kroger bag up over your legs so yeah you can shave your balls and have a nice little bag to catch the hair.
00:24:13
Speaker
Put your legs through the the the little handles on the Kroger sack and pull it up like a pair of underwear. You forget you're wearing it when you leave for the day? What's all that noise?
00:24:28
Speaker
i came I came from the past, from the 1970s. You hear the electric razor stalling out. ah Trying to get through that big old carpet.
00:24:47
Speaker
ah Anyway, Dick Miller approved. Got you again. Oh, you said Dick again. Don't. Yep. Targeted ads. Yeah, Dick Miller approved. Yeah.
00:24:58
Speaker
So we get ah the intro and then we get Mitch and Judy celebrating this fucking $5 million dollars lawsuit lawsuit that they won.
00:25:10
Speaker
So is he like a lawyer? Is that who Mitch is supposed to be as well? I guess. I mean, it's, yeah, he he seems like her lawyer and
Analyzing 'Doom Asylum': Plot and Character Logic
00:25:21
Speaker
she pulled some bullshit to win a lawsuit to get rich. Some kind of okey-doke.
00:25:27
Speaker
Which I think that as soon as she got that money, she's going to dump his ass. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. and she starts pulling fucking champagne out all over his upside down wiener. Yeah. Getting it all in the stitches. He's like, woo!
00:25:46
Speaker
Yeah. But, uh, they're like making out and then they have like a van. They're going around a turn anyway. Right. yeah They never hit the van. They were going to wreck anyway. They didn't need to do that. Right.
00:26:01
Speaker
It was going to happen. Yeah, I know if I if i won $5 million, dollars I'll never get in a car again. Right. I fucking hate driving. You're going to have to... I'm waiting for the drone technology for Amazon to just bring me everything.
00:26:17
Speaker
No, I'm not going anywhere. If I had that kind of money, I would have... woods with my own trail on it and my neighbors would be like fucking creepy guy living in that house yeah they just hear you screaming at your upside down wiener that's all they hear it's a fuck they think it's a fucking skinwalker trying that trying that hard to fucking pee and you just end up peeing on the floor really it's just a foreskinwalker the foreskinwalker
00:26:53
Speaker
It lives up in them hills. Ancient alien technology. Ancient Alan technology. Ancient alien technology. ah Goddamn wieners upside down.
00:27:07
Speaker
all you All you got to do to get someone to pee in a toilet without getting it on the floor is put some kind of dissolvable game thing in there that you have to dissolve, like some kind of game, because guys like to shoot at stuff. Well, I used to think that after you got done peeing in the urinal, you had a reward sitting there at that pink mint, that huge pink mint that's down there. ah Delicious. They call it a cake. Yeah. It's called cake. If you ain't supposed to eat it, why is it called cake? Yeah, if if you're not supposed to have it, why do they put it there for you?
00:27:40
Speaker
Why do they try to incentivize you?
00:27:45
Speaker
i always try to pee on those and see how if I can dissolve any of it. And I've never had much luck, but I suppose if I ever do like burn a hole through it, I probably have to go see a doctor.
00:27:58
Speaker
I beat on a urinal cake and fucking the thing melted. A lot of salt. A lot of salt.
00:28:09
Speaker
um Yeah, like a fucking um one of those thingies. God damn it. I can't think. But anyway. she salty ham. Judy dies of hand loss. Well, yeah. So he goes crawling up screaming, obviously, and he's calling out her name and he sees her hand and he grabs it and her hand falls off.
00:28:30
Speaker
Well, that's the only visible injury I see on her. Yeah. And it kills her. And, and he his face is untouched. Yeah.
00:28:41
Speaker
Not a blemish. He's got blood on him, but that's it. And it looks like it's running from his head. Yeah. So question is... Yeah, we don't see the degree of, like, his damages.
00:28:52
Speaker
Well, yeah. I mean, you see that his face is virtually undamaged. Yeah. But he's got blood on it. You know what I'm saying? what But ah the only reason I mention that is because what the fuck did the doctors do to him? They beat him up.
00:29:10
Speaker
They fucking... Because he looked... He was fucked up when... Like, you ain't supposed to cut somebody's face into pieces. it look And they had something stabbed in his neck. That wasn't there when he wrecked the car.
00:29:26
Speaker
What the fuck is that assistant doing to him? I love that they're doing, like, the infamous, like, dude eating the fucking sub. Yeah.
00:29:37
Speaker
yes The sunglasses. Oh, and the acting is... Oh, chef's kiss. Wonderful. I don't know.
00:29:48
Speaker
who's What are we got working here today, sir? And then he goes, I think this autopsy is a little bit premature. Yeah. ah So he starts waking up.
00:30:04
Speaker
He starts seeing like a little hand twitchy. and Which is fucked up too. Yeah. even though and Even though we saw him after the wreck, none of this... now I think he got beat up on the way. I think he was talking shit.
00:30:19
Speaker
It looks like... like i wouldve break off I want to break all your guys' arms off. It looks like they tied him by his legs and drug him behind the ambulance on the way to the fucking hospital.
00:30:32
Speaker
Yeah, that's how they do things. <unk>s dead They think he's dead and they just fucking drag his ass. Oh, and I guess it should be mentioned that Judy is played by our favorite undead hooker, Patty Mullins.
00:30:47
Speaker
Yeah. Frankenhooker. Yeah. that's for the height That's the highlight of this, I guess. You know what I'm saying? Hands down, the best part of the movie is not even that she's in this, just her that she was in Frankenhooker. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, that's Frank and hooker.
00:31:08
Speaker
Right. And, uh, but she, she fought, they find a way to get her into the rest of the movie, even though she just died of hand loss. Right. Hand loss. I hope, I hope she's left handed or else she's going to be flicking that bean with the fucking as a lefty for the rest of her life. Well, she's dead. Nevermind.
00:31:31
Speaker
That's what he did. She's right-handed. say picked the up He wasn't rubbing it on his face. He was sniffing it ah So ah Mitch fucking wakes up and goes fucking crazy and starts stabbing. Was that the assistant? He was stabbing, not the guy eating the sub.
00:31:53
Speaker
And fucking that's what we open with. Yeah, he kills both them. But that's what we like come into. And he's stabbing him with that thing that was in his neck. So I think it's like revenge because that that wasn't from the car accident. I can't even tell what the hell it is.
00:32:09
Speaker
He pulls it out of his neck at some point. I think it's supposed to and we gets like a It looks like a box cutter or something. Yeah. That's what they're using, yeah, because they dragged them there in the back of their van, so that's what they use for their autopsies is like a fucking shitty-ass like box cutter. Yeah. They're like, if you can take over... Well, never mind. Never mind.
00:32:31
Speaker
But then we get like, we get like the bucket that dumps over and it's intestines and then it cuts right to the title card. And we get this, uh, the montage of the asylum.
00:32:42
Speaker
And one of my favorite parts about this montage is they're showing all the graffiti, all the really awesome graffiti in it. And it, flips to a a shot of someone wrote Satan on the side of the wall, but it's S-A-T-E-N.
00:33:00
Speaker
Oh, man. Nothing like some good illiteracy to prove that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I like Satan. Satan. Satan.
00:33:15
Speaker
Do you guys hear about the truth about so our Lord and Savior? Satan? hey Satan. Satan. i ah Yeah. Are you going to go to the graveyard and worship Satan with us? Yeah.
00:33:31
Speaker
Our dark Lord?
00:33:38
Speaker
yeah did Then we get the intro so nice we had to see it twice. That's right. We recreate the the fucking car scene. They're listening to the same goddamn music too. Yeah. yeah they're They're talking about the rumors of the fucking murder at this fucking place.
00:34:01
Speaker
i love pat I fucking love Patty Mullins accent. Yeah. I don't know why. She's like got her ah ah Jersey accent. Yeah, super thick.
00:34:17
Speaker
Yeah. ah I was telling Kevin earlier that you know how like people think that ah Europeans are and like people people with English accents are intelligent. It yeah seems like like the New York accent has the opposite effect. Yeah. yeah i ah She's a nice and stupid one. Yeah.
00:34:38
Speaker
yeah ah yeah fucking and uh my favorite character I mean obviously other than Patty Mullins and not for any reason other than she yeah or whatever but Darnell fucking Lamar yeah Darnell they They took like the gayest black dude and tried to make him a rapper and like a pussy hound. Oh, yeah.
00:35:09
Speaker
He is there. You can't convince me. no way. Yeah, dude. was bad. And his rapping. Oh, Lord. ah well We'll get to it, but it's fucking... Yeah. wow beautiful yeah there it's almost as beautiful as when they're walking up to this fucking asylum and this whatever the fuck is going on is playing inside this asylum um who was it uh tina and the tots tots
00:35:44
Speaker
It's supposed to be... ah It's supposed to be um punk rock. That's what it said. I think I had the subtitles on and it said punk rock music some shit. I don't know. but Dude, I don't know what the fuck it it was, but it was definitely not punk rock. It was no yeah it was more like some kind of that crazy the crazy like noise shit.
00:36:07
Speaker
Like Yoko Ono. Yeah, is but reverse. No, no, no, no! Yeah, but it was all in reverse. Like, don't know. Well, and they didn't even try to sync up the lip syncing or anything. Uh-uh.
00:36:21
Speaker
Or the drum. Yeah, you tell she never played drums in her life. Yeah.
00:36:40
Speaker
Yeah, it's pretty bad. And then, yeah she's playing that. Darnell fucking walks up and tells him that, yeah, they play the sewers and goes up and takes care of it. He goes up and fucking unplugs their practice sesh and looks at Rapunzel and starts fantasizing.
00:37:04
Speaker
This scene though, did you notice when they're running at each other in the field, when he's like, you know, fantasizing, it looks like a dude dressed up as in dress, like running towards Darnell.
00:37:17
Speaker
Cause of ah ah like, I was like, it's a man, baby. It's a man, man.
00:37:30
Speaker
yeah do Do a quick cup check. Yeah. Back, your back your hand. boop Yeah, so so fucking funny. But yeah, so Darnell's obsessed with Rapunzel, and they're leading us to think that Rapunzel has the same lust for Darnell.
00:37:52
Speaker
you don't need to put on the red light. Yeah.
00:37:59
Speaker
I like when when whenever they have Darnell walking around the asylum by himself. his What it seems like they tried to make theme music for him just sounds like Toe Jam and Earl. yeah Yeah. He's like, I'm just a lonely traveler searching for pieces of my spaceship so I can get back home. Yeah. Yeah.
00:38:26
Speaker
ah And Godiva is the fucking... Oh, God. if I've known people like her in real life. Yeah.
00:38:38
Speaker
Yeah, dude. it's yeah We definitely know people like this. Yuck. And Tina, to me, seems like a He-Man villain. so her Her fucking acting. I wish people in real life talked like that.
00:38:54
Speaker
Yeah.
00:38:57
Speaker
Can't you read? Do not enter! Ha ha ha ha ha! Screw you, spikehead! Hey, why don't you consider job as a porcupine?
00:39:10
Speaker
Come on, Darnell, leave him alone. I'll get you for this, he-man. Yeah. And then we we cut they got all these fucking condoms that they're...
00:39:22
Speaker
Which they have like a shit ton of condoms on them. Those skanks ain't using condoms. That looks like gonorrhea all over the roof. There's some fucking all kind of shit up there.
00:39:38
Speaker
they Yeah, I'd be fucking... These sons of bitches...
00:39:44
Speaker
That's why they're throwing, I guess that's why they're using them as water balloons. They're like, we don't use this shit. We play in the sewers. You think we're then going to make you put a condom on? Yeah.
00:39:57
Speaker
Tina and the thoughts. Yeah. That, that hoe over there.
00:40:06
Speaker
the thoughts gone bad. Charlie Murphy.
00:40:11
Speaker
Charlie Murphy. Yeah. So yeah, they start fucking throwing these water condoms down on everybody and start screaming at him again like evil He-Man villains.
00:40:26
Speaker
see They get them baseball cards all wet. and yeah that fucking guy. but but but cords, my cords. He's fucking, oh man, he couldn't die fast enough. Yeah, he was definitely just cannon fodder.
00:40:41
Speaker
Yeah, get this, Dennis. Get this motherfucker out of the movie. Yeah. and And I forgot to mention Mike, who is the most indecisive asshole ever, and he's who which now Patty Mullins is playing Kiki, who is Judy's daughter, who was also played by Patty Mullins. Right. So they found a way to get her back in the movie. And she she seems less airheaded, but she still has the accent.
00:41:10
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. join know I'm from Jersey. But ah mike Mike looks like Vanilla Honky Man. You know, we've had him or we've had him in a few movies.
00:41:24
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Pop collar and everything. He looks like Fred from fucking Scooby-Doo in real life. And for some reason, at some point, they start calling... he Kiki, his girlfriend, asked him if she can call him mom.
00:41:42
Speaker
So that's a thing. Yeah. I don't know. It's a weird game. God damn you, Anthony. Yeah. You son of a bitch.
00:41:56
Speaker
What the fuck?
00:42:01
Speaker
and Well, and Darnell threatens him with his ah ah his hair pic. Oh, yeah. i ah I wish he would have made it to the end. you This movie would have been so much funnier. i think yeah I think I want to start threatening people with my hair pic.
00:42:18
Speaker
ah yeah my I'm going to carry around a greasy lice comb. I'll give your ass head lice, motherfucker.
00:42:29
Speaker
This family keeps growing. ah
00:42:34
Speaker
Yeah, the but Darnell goes to handle his business because he kind he wants to ah fuck Rapunzel, basically. all Right. yeah So we think, and the Toe Jam and Earl music starts playing. Yeah, and yeah they're they're fucking up there fighting, dude.
00:42:55
Speaker
It's so funny. Well, his goddamn... his His rap, because this is when he he he does his... I don't know what the fuck he's doing.
00:43:07
Speaker
I can't rap. I'm not saying, but Jesus Christ, he does like, oh, you guys want to rap? You know, you know because she's banging on... The killer is like banging on the walls or something, and he's scared at first, but then he then he's like, oh, you want to rap? but So he starts going, ticky, ticky, ricky, ticky, ticky, ticky.
00:43:31
Speaker
I'll put that shit in right here. That is not far off. yeah That is not far off from what he does.
00:43:49
Speaker
And then he gets killed by ah what looks like a dry ice hook. Yeah. His head gets squeezed. Fresh squeezed. His head gets gently squeezed. He's like, oh!
00:44:03
Speaker
Oh! The sweet release of death has gripped me. Yeah. yeah that he Yeah. He kind of got gypped on the death scene, too. it Because then... ah the killer who is, uh, Mitch spoiler, but, but you kind of find that out right away anyway. Yeah. Mitch, Mitch says, I hate rap music and don't cause he says, cause doesn't Darnell says something. He thinks it's, uh, he thinks it's Rapunzel and he calls him honey.
00:44:37
Speaker
Yeah. her And he goes, I hate rap music and don't call me honey. Like I got good news for you, Mitch. That wasn't rap music. whatever They were doing.
00:44:49
Speaker
Yeah. I'm going on about it, but holy shit, that was bad. Yeah. it was It was something, dude. checkie Dickie, Dickie, Dickie, my Dickie. Dickie, my Dickie. See, I just rhymed and he didn't. I'm a better rapper. I'm a better rapist.
00:45:14
Speaker
Licky my dickie. Licky my dickie. See? And that was that's free. You can use that for Doom Asylum 2. Yeah, you can use that.
00:45:28
Speaker
Doom Asylum 2. Licky my dickie.
00:45:33
Speaker
And ah Darnell comes back and he's the killer this time. Yeah. That'd be great because every time you see the killer walking around the asylum, there's Toe Jam and Earl music playing. Not that Panic on Funkatron bullshit. I'm talking about the original Toe Jam and Earl. Yeah, original. and Not that bullshit they came out with on the Nintendo Switch either.
00:46:01
Speaker
ah Or the Xbox. I think you need to get yourself a necklace like Darnell has. With my own name on it. Yeah, it's your own name on it. Oh, yeah, I know. Why is he dressed like fucking ah Don Johnson at the beach, but then he's got like a 50 cent ah chain on it. He's got a rope.
00:46:23
Speaker
yeah It's just gold, says Darnell.
00:46:30
Speaker
I'm going to have one of those made for you for Christmas. better but it better say Darnell, too. It'll say Licky, my dickie, ley my dickie. You got to put it all in one word. So it looks like a name until you get up on it.
00:46:44
Speaker
o No, no comma. It'll just say Kevin. Yeah. Licky, my dickie. Licky, my dickie, Kevin. Licky, my dickie.
00:46:56
Speaker
yeah Very good. Very good. And, uh, back in the, back in the lair of the, uh, what is the, what is the, it's the evil horde, right? The, the, and She-Ra. Yeah.
00:47:13
Speaker
The bad. Yeah. Back in She-Ra's lair up at the top of the asylum. Good. Uh, Godiva decides she's fed up with this shit and needs go scrawl some, uh, what does she call them? Uh,
00:47:29
Speaker
Revolutionary slogans. Yes. Oh my God.
00:47:35
Speaker
She's so stupid. And it's funny because... We know people that were like that too. Yes. Yes, absolutely. You mean graffiti? No.
00:47:45
Speaker
fake accent and all yeah i'm going to go scroll some revolutionary slogans and and she she does the last thing she spray paints just says die it'd be even better if if it it pans over and she's writing fart like on a raising arizona That little kid.
00:48:11
Speaker
Fart. It just says fart. This is my revolutionary slogan. Fart. She's probably the one that wrote Satan. Yeah.
00:48:23
Speaker
you watch She watched ah Holy Grail too much. Yeah. I fart in your general direction. You silly English caniggets.
00:48:35
Speaker
Caniggets. ah We've already got one. It's very nice. Yeah.
00:48:48
Speaker
How do you already have a grail? We don't need grail for your English speaking nincompoops.
00:49:02
Speaker
I fart in your general direction. Two Nazi wickets. So, fart is a revolutionary slogan. yes if you If you watch ah Monty Python and Holy Grail. Yep.
00:49:23
Speaker
I fart in your general direction. So, Godiva's...
00:49:32
Speaker
Godiva scrawling her revolutionary fucking slogans and gets and gets got. Yep. And she's saying, it's I voted for Ronald Reagan.
00:49:47
Speaker
No, I'm a Republican. I voted for Reagan. No!
00:50:06
Speaker
I respect your First Amendment right to the political beliefs of your choice, but I don't necessarily agree. Flip-flopping bitch.
00:50:20
Speaker
I don't stand on business.
00:50:27
Speaker
Drown her ass in some acid. Yeah. He totally fucking drowned her ass in some acid. yeah and because Because of her revolutionary scrawlings.
00:50:39
Speaker
Because she spelled Satan wrong.
00:50:46
Speaker
and He doesn't like fake accents. It would have been funny if when he started choking her, she started speaking normal. Yeah. He's like, right. Psych, psych, psych. Psych.
00:50:57
Speaker
Man, I'm just playing. I'm just playing. That would have been a good little thing for this movie. yeah They should have hired me as a writer. They should have. Just have the have her, when you know, when she's her in her life, because she's speaking like that when she's walking around alone. Yeah. oh So she's method acting at this point. She's deep in this shit. She did a lot of research I i read.
00:51:21
Speaker
Yep. She to really put herself. I don't know. She watched Holy Grail like twice.
00:51:28
Speaker
But didn't get it because that's why she's doing this like Soviet Union thing. ah yeah and our And thank thanks goodness our the least favorite character, Dennis, dies in the next... ah He gets the next death. Yeah, because of his goddamn cards.
00:51:50
Speaker
Which I think his death might be my favorite. not the The effects, it looks pretty good. Yeah. Because he got he chases his baseball card that blows away up some stairs into a room.
00:52:06
Speaker
Yeah. Where nobody can hear him screaming. Yeah. from This is pretty sweet. away Yeah. it's It's soundproofed. yeah Yeah, they do the, ah they're like, hey, look, there's girls laying out here in the sun.
00:52:24
Speaker
They do that for a minute, and then the wind blows his little baseball cards away. But he gets the drill to the forehead, and it looks good, man. I mean, the fake blood looks pretty good, too. Yeah, they did pretty good. He's trying to give them some fucking baseball cards, like...
00:52:40
Speaker
They spent, yeah. He says something like, i wanted Mickey Mantle. Yeah. I don't know baseball players. I know my favorite baseball player was ah Michael Jordan.
00:52:58
Speaker
ah Yeah. I don't fucking know baseball. I don't know any sports. I don't know any of those things where you try to get the apparatus. You happen to like just get into baseball that moment when Michael Jordan decided he wanted to play baseball. then you're like, i don't like baseball anymore.
00:53:16
Speaker
baseball fuck Where's all the guys that are roided out? Yeah. Shocking me, shocking a dinger.
00:53:29
Speaker
oh fuck. Yeah. We don't, we don't give a shit about Dennis. Fuck him. We're glad he's gone. Yeah. So we go, we see that milk Mitch is building this altar for Judy. Did you notice that he's got like a table full of his like daily meds and shit next to the table?
00:53:49
Speaker
No, I didn't see that. It's like he's got like some aspirin. i wouldn if though If any of those are prescription, I wouldn't trust the doctor after what they did to him on when he showed up to the fucking morgue. They got him all ah fucking opi opiated out.
00:54:10
Speaker
yeah This is where they keep peppering in like the old movies and stuff as like the filler. Yeah. yeah well we're get yeah right great Well, he's like rubbing that severed hand on his face.
00:54:21
Speaker
And then we got ah Fred from Scooby-Doo coming out to the roof, which we see some some more really incredible graffiti.
00:54:31
Speaker
We see somebody wrote Mopar really huge with the Mopar M. And then we see Mopar written again. and then the greatest of all, there's Megadeth. I saw Metallica too at point. Yeah, there's Metallica on there. And then you got to use Stink. And it looks like they tried to spray paint a butthole next to it.
00:54:53
Speaker
But he comes up there and they're all funious they're all eating fucking fried chicken on top of this fucking roof.
00:55:01
Speaker
how How the fuck did they get that? She's up there eating a fucking drumstick. Wasn't they playing chess too? think so. ah you You don't know how to play chess. Quit pretending.
00:55:17
Speaker
Tina flips the board. She's like, I hate to lose. ha ha ha With her chicken. ah Yeah, greasy lips.
00:55:27
Speaker
And then, like, he he just starts fighting her. He's like, fuck this bitch. She's had enough. She kicks his fucking ass, though. she's She beats his ass, that's for sure.
00:55:38
Speaker
oh and it's funny when he's hanging off side of the ro roof. Like, you can see he's clearly attached. yeah They barely tried to hide it. yeah because his shirtt It's under his shirt, but his shirt is pulled like a foot and a half off the front of his chest.
00:55:57
Speaker
It's really just a small wall he's on the other side of. He's just squatted down. hey and then we got we got fucking ah during this fight, Rapunzel's just sitting out there and she just goes,
00:56:15
Speaker
die
00:56:19
Speaker
his His name smell sounds like music. ah wonder if yeah I wonder if he uses protected... I wonder if he does protected sex. and um ah yeah yeah Yeah, right.
00:56:31
Speaker
Well, you just threw all your condoms away. Yeah. And and ah what the hell Kiki is down there going, be careful, don't fall. yeah Like he's being attacked by She-Ra. She's bouncing his fucking head off of a fucking checkerboard snare drum.
00:56:51
Speaker
And yeah. She's landed this. She fucking landed more hits than he did all day, dude. Like. She's just fucking fucking his world all up, man.
00:57:03
Speaker
It's so funny. but that yeah But the fight goes on forever because meanwhile, while they're fighting on the roof, ah they um ah Kiki and what the hell's that other girl's name? The non-girl, Jane?
00:57:22
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, they go to, they, they run inside the building while they don't run inside. They casually walk inside to try to help Mike. yeah And Rapunzel goes to look for it. All the while, Mike is hanging off the side of the roof this whole fucking time. oh yeah yeah. when ah and goodai and Mitch, our killer, strangles Rapunzel, what does she think?
00:57:52
Speaker
She thinks it's Darnell. Yeah, she thinks it's Darnell. You don't have to put on the red light. His name sounds like music. It does. It sounds just like music.
00:58:06
Speaker
ah and And Jane runs into Tina. Well, this is because ah he, Mike hears Godiva or Rapunzel screaming. Yeah.
00:58:20
Speaker
I get them mixed up. Godiva and Rapunzel. Rapunzel is the one that likes Darnell. Yeah. Godiva is the annoying fucking French pretender.
00:58:31
Speaker
Yeah. She's the keyboardist. Yeah. Rapunzel's the drummer. Right. But he hears, but Mike hears Mitch strangles Rapunzel and she screams and he thinks it's Kiki. So he's Superman jumps up ah off onto the building and runs after her. And then he straight Superman fucking jumped out. Like, where was that this whole time when you're getting your ass kicked?
00:58:56
Speaker
Hey man, he loves Kiki. Yeah. That's love. That's love. The hands of Jesus. Yeah. ah That gives you the strength of 10 men.
00:59:08
Speaker
The hands of Jesus that touched him once lifted him from below. Gave him the strength of 10 men. ah gave her Yep. To fling his little white honky body up over that hill.
00:59:24
Speaker
Vanilla cracker man jumped up over the ah zeilla cracker man. Vanilla cracker man. da thena da da ah da da Even has the haircut I had when I was in kindergarten. Yeah.
00:59:38
Speaker
ah and But he, but Jane, right because ah Tina go goes looking for Godiva and Rapunzel because they're both gone now. So, and she runs into Jane in the hallway. Jane is like the actress that plays her ah apparently is famous. I don't fucking know who she is. Yeah.
00:59:59
Speaker
ah But she went on, she's the only one that really went on to do anything. Cause even Patty Mullins has only been in like four movies. Yeah. But the girl that plays Jane, she she runs into Tina in the hallway and she's standing her ground with her. She's giving her some sass. Yeah.
01:00:16
Speaker
Yeah. but that But then Tina leaves and Jane gets fucking ah dies from saw blade to the face. Yeah. That's not going to kill you. Yeah. That's going to fuck you up. Yes.
01:00:31
Speaker
That's not going to kill you. It's kind of like death by hand loss. Yeah. Again, when your hand falls off. They didn't consult any physician for this movie.
01:00:42
Speaker
Yeah, i don't think so. If you got cut on the cheek, ah you die immediately. Your hand falls off. You die immediately. ah that ah That is just a a common thread in a lot of these lower budget horror movies. It even happens in some big movies too.
01:01:04
Speaker
Yeah. Where something that clearly ain't going to kill you takes you out in a second.
01:01:12
Speaker
Life's precious, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah good e And tina Tina finally discovers Godiva and Rapunzel. But this, the fucking Mike and Kiki stop to pray.
01:01:30
Speaker
Right. right And you got to love Kiki because her prayer, and in her prayer to God, she offers sex. She's like, I'll give you anything you want, God.
01:01:44
Speaker
Money, sex, or a charge card. Yeah. Charge card. why ah I don't know about the sex, but the charge card sold it. Yeah. I have no need for a charge card, but ah let's see about the sex.
01:02:05
Speaker
ah god Like God. what what God wants the banger.
01:02:11
Speaker
i was banging this whore and I decided to save their lives. God is from Jersey.
01:02:22
Speaker
yeah You fucking assholes. Hey, crucify me. i crucify you. ah you know? yeah
01:02:37
Speaker
And all the other fatal. Here's the best fatal ah injury of the movie. When his toes fall off. Yeah, Mitch tranquilizes Mike because he he finally realized that Kiki looks like ah the fuck was Judy.
01:02:55
Speaker
Yeah, Judy. He finally realizes that Kiki looks like Judy. So he fucking he's trying. I don't know what his goal is.
01:03:07
Speaker
But he starts cutting off Mike's toes and Mike dies. Yeah, my Mike dies from toe loss. yeah And we forgot we forgot to mention earlier in the movie too that ah when they go to the scene of the crash yeah where um Kiki finds Judy's mirror that apparently has been laying there for 10 years.
01:03:34
Speaker
Man, that's some good eyes. Yeah, no lawnmower hid it or nothing ever. Yeah, it's a sign of God. see yeah Yep. Jesus touching her too.
01:03:46
Speaker
he but she finds ah The only reason I mention that is because it becomes... ah it's ah It's a kind of a plot device. Yeah.
01:03:56
Speaker
ah because Because... Oh, yeah. And Tina tina fights with Mitch. you know they they kind of team They kind of team up towards the end here in the final showdown.
01:04:09
Speaker
And... Tina joins the good side, I guess you could say. i guess so. Yeah. They got a common enemy now in Mitch. Yeah.
01:04:19
Speaker
So they got to get him They both got to get him.
01:04:24
Speaker
Oh, I never thought be having dumb blonde. Oh, I used to think you guys were assholes, but now you saved my life. don't know how to thank you. So she fights with Mitch and cubes herself. Yeah. ah Sacrifices herself. Yeah. what Well, she accidentally bumps it and falls back onto the conveyor and is like a turtle. Yeah.
01:04:48
Speaker
Yeah. Like she can't get up. She's like a fucking turtle on her back and she gets pulled into this, whatever fucking that machine is supposed to be in an, in an asylum.
01:05:01
Speaker
Yep.
01:05:03
Speaker
and And it cubes her, and we know it's her because you see her hand with the middle finger sticking out of it. Yep. Genius. Middle finger.
01:05:15
Speaker
It's like, do you see? Did you see? Did you see? and the doctor, did you Did you see? Did you see? Yeah, the fucking middle finger, butt,
01:05:28
Speaker
But the I just... i Anthony, come on, man. I'm kidding. This is a funny one. Kinda.
01:05:40
Speaker
Kinda. A little bit. Some of the other graffiti when he's... It's like right around where he's getting ready cut his toes off and stuff. I forgot. There's fucking boobies spray-painted on the wall behind him.
01:05:57
Speaker
Oh, man. You must have been in there. Boobies. Yeah. and That brings you down to a double digit IQ.
01:06:10
Speaker
I got a muscular IQ of 72 when there's a naked titty in the room. Behold.
01:06:22
Speaker
Behold. ah behold But but um Mitch chases Kiki and finally admits that she looks like Judy, yeah claiming he killed everyone for her, which I never could make sense of why he is doing what he's doing, because technically he killed Judy.
01:06:44
Speaker
Or they kind of both killed her because they were stupid. Right. i Nobody, nobody, if he wants to be mad at anybody, he got justice at the beginning when he killed the morticians that were fucking carving him up like a turkey. Right.
01:07:02
Speaker
Yeah, they fucked this world up, man. Never going to that fucking corner again. But old Mitch should have rubbed some cocoa butter on his nuts and he would have been immune because she kicks him in the balls.
01:07:16
Speaker
Oh, yeah. fuck ah You know, in video games, like, that's the weak spot. like there' shit Like, if women must see it, women must see men with this shiny red light right at their crotch, like in a video game. Like, you hit him here it's a crit. You crit.
01:07:35
Speaker
She crit on his nuts and escaped.
01:07:39
Speaker
But he starts crying over the fucking news article and and here comes the mirror because Kiki stabs him in the fucking face with it. Right. And through all the shit he's been through, mind you, he's been stabbed in the neck, but stabbing him in the face kills him. ah Yeah.
01:08:04
Speaker
She got a critical strike on him. ye Because he's looking at the man in the mirror. yeah because Yeah, because they have all these fucking scenes of these movies.
01:08:17
Speaker
throughout this to, you know, like, um, uh, what movies are there? There's, uh, it's never too late to mend the fence yeah at the window. It's never too late to mend. There's the face at the window, Sweeney Todd, the crimes of Stephen Hawk.
01:08:35
Speaker
Yeah. You know, they, they play little clips from all those movies. Um, They should have just kept cutting back to the scene of Patty Mullins walking through the grass.
01:08:48
Speaker
but Yeah. Three hour movie. i will watch it once. ah What could that hurt?
01:08:59
Speaker
Yeah. They just pad the runtime with her walking on a treadmill. Yeah, that's it. And there's like two guys shaking it. Yeah. Or, you know, remember those things they used to have back in the, like, 80s or 90s where there was that big belt that people could put on them and it'd shake you, like, fat. Like, if you were real fat, you could get in it and it'd shake the shit out of you and they said that that would make you lose weight. Yeah, it had, like, the little belt thing that went around your Yeah, and it just shook the fuck out of you.
01:09:33
Speaker
Yeah. ah You could make a baby retarded in a flash with one of those. ah You get shaken baby. Can you get shaken baby syndrome as an adult?
01:09:45
Speaker
You might be able to. i think it's called CTE. e What happened? Yeah, you're right. What happened to Kevin? He got shaken baby syndrome. Yeah. one I can't come into work today.
01:09:57
Speaker
That'd be hilarious. I have since.
01:10:02
Speaker
I died. Sorry, I can't come in today. I got SIDS. ah Wouldn't it be funny if the NFL, you know, to soften the language of CTE, e started calling it ah Shaken Baby Syndrome. One of our football players here got Shaken Baby Syndrome. yeah Yeah.
01:10:27
Speaker
Oh, shit. so Not the baby. Yeah. um Somebody shook this baby. Somebody shook this baby.
01:10:38
Speaker
you want to see a movie to take the edge off that or actually to fuck you up about that is watch. I saw this movie called The Coffee Table. Yeah, you told me about that.
01:10:49
Speaker
That is fucking man. That movie is like when you were a kid. If you broke something and your dad wasn't home. Yeah. that time waiting for him to get home to find out what you did. Yeah.
01:11:05
Speaker
That's what watching the coffee table is like the whole time. you're just like that oh Yeah. Oh God. What is, what is happening? Right. It's not real gory or anything. It's just that it gives you that like sense
NFL and Sports Injuries: A Humorous Take
01:11:23
Speaker
of dread. Yeah. It's just looming the entire time.
01:11:26
Speaker
Yeah. It's like 20 minutes and it might be 30, but yeah, ah something happens and the rest of the movie, you're just like, Oh God. oh Oh my God. it might hear happen Yeah.
01:11:40
Speaker
I don't know. But besides besides besides that that, that shaken baby NFL, you know, raise awareness. well We got to raise awareness for the NFL players. shaken babies of the NFL.
01:11:55
Speaker
Yeah, we got to raise awareness for the shaken baby syndrome that blagues the NFL. You got to call them shaken bakes now. I went all through college and I did good on my schooling. And then when I got into the NFL, they hit really hard. They hit really hard, baby.
01:12:17
Speaker
And I now suffer from shaking baby syndrome. ah Because I'm a because i'm most shaking baby. My jelly's gotten waddled one too many times.
01:12:30
Speaker
My whole fucking point to this was that thing that makes fat, that jiggles fat people put ah Patty Mullins in that and I'll watch it.
01:12:41
Speaker
Yeah. ah We'll watch it. That part of the tape will be worn out. Just her in that thing. Yeah. ah ah But I don't wish shaking baby syndrome on Patty Mullins.
01:12:57
Speaker
Yeah.
01:13:00
Speaker
and don Don't shake the baby. Yeah. But basically the movie ends with her stabbing him in the fucking face and then walking away. She stabs him in his fucking eyes and both of his eyes. And then the motherfucker hits the ground holding his right eye with his left eye open.
01:13:22
Speaker
ah And then because she's so cold, she like lifts the mirror up and fixes her hair in the mirror. ah So vain. you're so We're this far in and you're you expect consistency?
01:13:36
Speaker
How dare you? And that's it. That's Doom Asylum. don't Dumb Asylum. So dumb.
01:13:49
Speaker
ah ah The movie's so stupid, I could write
01:13:55
Speaker
I'm starting to think there wasn't a script here. Yeah, I think that the it was somebody's first time.
01:14:04
Speaker
Be careful. yeah It's my first time. Be gentle.
01:14:12
Speaker
Gently, gently. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Cheese and rice. Cheese and rice. That is right. babies Shaking baby's first movie. Shaking movie syndrome.
01:14:34
Speaker
What we got to do is when we see Anthony shake the shit out of him. See yeah yeah if we can give him shaking baby syndrome. yeah He'll be like, you guys are special.
01:14:48
Speaker
You turn me into the strength of 10 men.
01:14:53
Speaker
You're going to be dumber, man, but you're going to be a lot stronger. You're going to be so strong. You're going to be so strong. Look at them arms. ah another They're grown already.
01:15:06
Speaker
By the Wait a minute. By the power of crystal.
01:15:16
Speaker
i but oh girl ah We got to hold you down, tickle you, and shake the fuck out of you. We're going to put you in one of those fat people shakers. We're going jelly up them brains.
01:15:32
Speaker
I think they repurpose those nowadays. You just use them to shake your paint. I think they make NFL players put wrap it around their head before they start their season.
01:15:44
Speaker
Oh, that's a good idea. right let ah yeah Scramble them up a little bit before they get scrambled. Kind of like using like hair dye to get hair dye off the counter. you know It has the same effect as ah steroids. yeah We're going to shake you a little more. You're not quite strong enough. We got to make you a little dumber. Yeah. They're knocking on his head. They're like, yeah, it's still a little dense. you We're trying to find a stud.
01:16:12
Speaker
We only have two. We only have two Tweety Birds. We need five. yeah Once we get up to five Tweety Birds. You're good to go.
01:16:23
Speaker
You'll sign the contract. You're good to go. well You'll sign your multi-billion dollar contract. I only see three Tweety Birds right now. a Turn up the fucking shaker.
01:16:37
Speaker
We gotta go. Shake and bake. Shake and bake. Yeah, we'll just, they just, uh, to, instead of those paint shakers that they have at like Lowe's and shit, just, they're like, just hand your paint to some fat ass dickhead and stick him inside of this thing here. Yeah. He'll hold on to it while it shakes his fat fucking ass.
01:17:01
Speaker
ah
01:17:03
Speaker
ah sound like someone having sex on a water bed. so perception ah Oh, shit ah shit. Slapping the plastic on the water bed. It'd be a fun game. Just rub fucking oil all over his belly and see if you can stay on it.
01:17:30
Speaker
Try to stand up on it. I bet you can't. How dare you? Hey, you give me about five more fucking babyhaking babies, babies.
01:17:43
Speaker
Like how, like, uh, like they have like, how many five-year-olds can you fight? Can you beat up? Have you heard that? Like how many? Didn't we talk about that in the last episode? I think i think you might've met. I think I did.
01:17:59
Speaker
as ti the quarrel When he was beating up all the kids. It'd be like, the story would be different if those was Shaken Babies. Yeah.
01:18:09
Speaker
Because five counts as 50 that Yeah, they'll fucking beat your ass. Those are some strong little motherfuckers. Yeah. ah All of them, they look like sloth from the Goonies. They're all oblong. One arm's longer than the other one.
01:18:25
Speaker
ah Their ears flap. Yeah. They've all got different versions of cauliflower ear. each with ripeness ah Each one of them yeah there has an eyeball on a cheek. Droopy eyes. One of them's got titties on their shoulders.
01:18:44
Speaker
other all Other dicks are upside down.
01:18:52
Speaker
Shake him till his wiener's upside down. i got i got beat up by a bunch of fucking little fucking sloths with upside down dicks and fake titties on their shoulders.
01:19:08
Speaker
Oh, their wieners were upside down.
01:19:12
Speaker
They end up just looking like football players because the breast implants are up there on the shoulders. hey You got to keep them concussed.
01:19:26
Speaker
You have to teach them how to speak English before you shake them. Yeah. Because you ain't teaching them afterwards. You don't want a shaken baby that all it's doing is going, baby! Yeah.
01:19:44
Speaker
You want them to go you think my penis is on upside down? Just wait a minute. Just wait a minute. I want to do this to you now.
01:19:55
Speaker
Oh, man. Like when you hear about those chimpanzee attacks, and you get attacked by a fucking shaking baby that turns your penis upside down, rips it off and sticks it back in there. Sticks back and upside down.
01:20:11
Speaker
And it's worse because now they can talk. Like, you use your penis is on inside down. They're just laughing at you. Yeah.
01:20:24
Speaker
Oh, shit. ah yeah You can either fight 55-year-olds or five shaken babies. Yeah. What's your choice?
01:20:37
Speaker
Oh, shit. Future NFL players. Yep. That's where it's heading. I don't even know what why we started talking about this.
01:20:47
Speaker
Yeah. Because we're fucking stupid. Because we've got shaken baby syndrome. Yeah. i think I think we might have some shaken baby syndrome. Oh, I know we do.
01:21:00
Speaker
If you, I'm not, i no offense. If you are a shaken baby, I'm sorry. Please don't, please don't take offense.
01:21:11
Speaker
Yeah, I think you're good. We're just cracking jokes. Oh, what? Why do you mean? Why you think I'm good? Because they can't understand that I'm making fun of them. Yeah.
01:21:23
Speaker
What exactly are you implying, Kevin? Nothing. Don't cancel me.
01:21:31
Speaker
Shaken baby, shaken babies. Yeah. You're going to have protests in front of your house with a bunch of very strong infants. Yeah. ah but ah Yeah, it's true.
01:21:46
Speaker
ah so Like Pebble or Bam Bam. from but ah See, bringing it right back to the Flintstones. Yeah. Bam Bam. he He was a shaken baby.
01:21:57
Speaker
Yeah, he was. Anyway. He was. can't help it. He was, definitely. I mean, he probably... I mean, Jesus Christ, when you're delivered by a dinosaur... You're delivered by a dinosaur.
01:22:17
Speaker
You live in a cave in a rock. And your dad... You know, that's... ah Your dad just turns... Smashes rocks for a living. I don't know what the fuck he did. Yeah.
01:22:31
Speaker
he He hit things. He did. unga bunga. ye t Oh, shit. Friendly reminder, just teach your children to speak before you shake the shit out of them. yeah Because if you shake the shit out of them before you nurture them, they will have hatred for you, and their hatred would turn into rage, and now they are much stronger than you'll be able to deal with.
01:23:06
Speaker
and And you can't... And and they'll have... yeah Never mind. I'm not going to add that one. Yeah. Because you know what they... You know ah how many dumb guys have you met that don't have giant dicks on them?
01:23:21
Speaker
Just saying. But... ah like yeah do do You can't have them both. yeah You can't yeah can't be a genius and have a big team.
01:23:35
Speaker
You got to pick one or the other. It'd be funny if, because since we live in a simulation, if you got, if people are lined up and they have to click their stats, yeah how many people just, going to make this fucking dick a goddamn foot long. It's like making a character on your video games.
01:23:53
Speaker
But their intellect stats just go down as that. They have they have to sacrifice stats and intellect to raise up their dong stats. Yeah. Anyway, sorry.
01:24:05
Speaker
another Another rant.
01:24:08
Speaker
Oh, shit.
Episode Wrap-Up and Listener Interaction
01:24:10
Speaker
What movie were we talking about? was Doom Asylum. It turned into Dick Asylum, though. Doom Asylum.
01:24:21
Speaker
Yep. It's on Tubi. Go watch it. Go watch it if you would like to be tortured. Yeah. It's not terrible. It's not. it It's a fun one that you can laugh at, especially the graff reading all the graffitis but was really fun for me because there's so much of it, and it's all like just a sign of the times.
01:24:43
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. 88. metal imagine a world where Metallica was still a decent band. sorry ah That would have been the era. Yep. Cause soon after that, they've been shitty for 30 fucking years. yeah That's crazy. They were only good for 10. Yeah.
01:25:03
Speaker
Yeah. ah yeah It happens, man. Anyway, that was Doom Asylum. Thanks, Anthony. and Recommended to us by Anthony.
01:25:16
Speaker
right and if anybody else has recommendations please email us at deadnotespodcast at gmail.com we have had another email from someone that sent us a couple recommendations that we're going to stifle through which might be what triggered all this baby talk yeah ah ah Yes, that was ah that was good old Doom Asylum, 1988, baby.
01:25:49
Speaker
Don't say baby. Baby. God damn it. Baby. Keep coming. All right. Until next time. See you guys. Sorry about last week. Bye. We got our milk treatments. We're good now.
01:26:02
Speaker
Bye. Bye.