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Children of the Corn 1984
36 Plays4 months ago
Welcome back to Deadnotes, the podcast where we dig up cult horror, dust it off, and scream into the mic until the neighbors call the cops. Today we’re heading straight into the cornfields—yeah, those endless rows of Midwest nightmare fuel—because we’re talking Children of the Corn. That’s right, the movie that taught us two things: never trust kids with biblical obsessions, and never, ever take a road trip through Nebraska without a backup plan.
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Transcript
Introduction and Banter
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello, welcome to Dead Notes, a horror and cult film podcast. I am Kevin, and with me is the man that walks behind the hose.
00:00:35
Speaker
Pimpin' ain't easy. Pimpin' ain't easy if it's easy.
Discussing 'Children of the Corn'
00:00:45
Speaker
I'm the outlander, Alan, and we're talking about Children of the Corn, 1984.
00:00:53
Speaker
the um It was the first documentary that Jonathan Davis ever put together. He was like 10 years old. I thought you were going to say it was just like a documentary of Ohio. Yeah, i was goingnna yeah that was my next one.
00:01:09
Speaker
We'll get into that later. Because they don't have shit on us. Yeah, yeah yeah this yeah I'll go into some of that shit later. But yeah. And, uh, you know, that this is one of my comfort movies. I fucking love it. I watch it every so
Adapting Stephen King to Film
00:01:28
Speaker
often. Yeah.
00:01:29
Speaker
And, and it's directed by Fritz Kirsch, who I don't, I don't know who the fuck, I'm sorry if you're a big Fritz Kirsch fan, but, uh, this was his first movie and I think he did some Swamp Thing episodes, but, uh,
00:01:46
Speaker
But he knocked it out of the park with this, but a lot of people do that with ah Stephen King stuff, you know? hit and miss. Yeah, it depends on how they're able to, i guess, like, absorb and then, like, kind of retell the story, you know? Because obviously, as we know, Stephen King's a ah madman on that fucking typewriter, so um I'm sure it's a lot to fucking, you know, as we know,
00:02:12
Speaker
Well, this, this is based on a short story that was in penthouse, but yeah it's, um, it's also in his collection, which I have the night shift book. It's only like, it's only like a 20 page story, but he packs so much in there. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think that's why his shorts translate.
00:02:34
Speaker
You get all the bang for your buck out of his shorts and his films. You know what I'm saying? Because it's still left for you to mold Well, yeah, it's the same thing. You know what I'm saying? it Aside from, not saying like, you know, making one out of his books, you know, it's bad. But I mean, he puts so much into it, you know?
00:02:55
Speaker
So it's just how your time, your time frame that you have to to make a movie and tell the entire story, you know? Yeah, this this is ah that it like he did um the same. I think, truck yeah, trucks is in that and night shift also. And that's what he did. Maximum overdrive.
00:03:18
Speaker
What does we based maximum overdrive on? And it's ah it's a fucking cocaine induced beaver dream.
Humor: Isaac's Vulcan Look
00:03:27
Speaker
Roll sound.
00:03:28
Speaker
yeah i would have been interesting It would have been interesting to see him direct this one. Yeah. yeah man this This little Vulcan just called me an asshole.
00:03:46
Speaker
This little shit. Did you notice that Isaac has Vulcan hair? Yeah, he absolutely does. He did a commercial where he played a Vulcan right before they shot this movie. So they kept his hair just so... No shit. Yeah.
00:04:04
Speaker
Just so he would... Yeah, I actually have a picture of it.
00:04:12
Speaker
That's awesome. Yeah, he played a Vulcan. This little Vulcan called me an asshole. This little shit. Who let Star Trek on the set?
Themes of Rebellion and Influence
00:04:23
Speaker
ah
00:04:30
Speaker
roll sound ah yeah he's a he's a he's a silly little he's a silly little man left star trek on shit oh my god
00:04:49
Speaker
why does he look like an elderly um vulcan woman He's got like some form of Benjamin buttons. Why does he look like a Vulcan like Karen?
00:05:02
Speaker
Yeah, he's like.
00:05:08
Speaker
He wants to see the starship. his so is This soup has been compromised.
00:05:16
Speaker
I want to speak to your general. Oh.
00:05:21
Speaker
This movie's supposed to be kind of poking at religious fanaticism, but ah all I could think the whole time watching it, all I can ever think of, like, is what we would have done as kids, because...
00:05:35
Speaker
Half of those kids are like 18. Well, Courtney Gaines was 18 when they made this. and ah But most of those kids that are carrying out the murders and stuff, they're like right at the age where they're about to be fed to the giant fucking mole in the cornfield. Yeah.
00:05:56
Speaker
So I don't know if I'd go along. ah I guess that speaks to how ah influential Isaac is. you gotta to You got to be a smooth talker to get me as a 17-year-old to carry out your murders when I know you're going to feed me to a giant gopher ah in a
Cult Dynamics and Power Struggles
00:06:14
Speaker
year.
00:06:14
Speaker
Well, he's probably the first one in town to wear a Star Trek shirt, and no one's ever heard of it. like He's the cool kid in town. He's the first Vulcan to wear an Amish hat.
00:06:27
Speaker
It was like you being the first goth kid in your school. And like everybody's like, oh, he's cool. They just don't understand don't understand me. please don understand me conformists yeah he's just like edgy yeah he's edgy you guys want to go meet in a cornfield how how much these adults are lame-os you want to go in the cornfield and listen to me talk lyrics of chris gains to you
00:06:58
Speaker
these are yeah these are all ah These are all teenage boys mostly. ah there you There's like 12 and
Recapping Major Plot Points
00:07:08
Speaker
8-year-olds and stuff in their crew too.
00:07:10
Speaker
Right, but those that's after the ah initial murders. The ones that carried out all the murders are the older kids. The teens, yeah. And I know what they'd be doing out in the cornfield. They're not out there worshiping fucking...
00:07:27
Speaker
giant mole people. They're out there having raves. there Yeah. I don't know, but, but you know, they're out there doing rumspringa every weekend. Yeah.
00:07:44
Speaker
They got Nicholas Cage out there and and with the, the bees. Yeah. Yeah.
00:07:53
Speaker
Oh, man. if yeah again Instead of bees, they're dropping beats. And he's like, oh, no, the beats. Not the beats. Oh, God. Not the beats.
00:08:13
Speaker
oh my god
00:08:19
Speaker
not the beat Isaac comes in, big, big swinging with the Gabber techno. He's about to turn this up to 220 BPMs. ah Oh man, if they had, if they could have got Nicolas Cage to play Burt.
00:08:38
Speaker
Yeah. Cause, cause you know, uh, or i would have, you I would have liked to have seen, yeah you remember the only sunny in Philadelphia episode when Mac just beats the shit out of those kids.
00:08:50
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the bike episode. Yeah, they could have had Mac playing Bert. Yeah. When he's jacked and Roy raged out. and but Yeah.
00:09:02
Speaker
cause Because Bert... Oh, dude. Well, we'll get into it, but Bert is ah basically the Terminator in this movie. He kind of is, but man, I'll tell you he's a fucking asshole. but Yeah. ah ruining everyone's fun they were like we were just trying to cornhole your wife out in nicole out in the field well he's like even being there dude he's like just fucking rude crude man ah yeah he's looking to beat some kids up well I mean that little dance she does at the beginning would soften any boner
00:09:41
Speaker
She's just trying to make a John Connor. That's all she's trying to do. He's like, I was going to bang you until you did that bullshit. No John Connor for you. Yeah. ah i've ah The Shermanator.
00:10:00
Speaker
I've come back from the future. to ten I've come back in time to change the future for two lucky ladies.
00:10:11
Speaker
ah
00:10:15
Speaker
Fuck. Yeah. ah But, okay, so ah the opening scene is ah this movie kicks right off because um even though it's not like super action packed, but still you get the little massacre right at the beginning.
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah, they don't waste any time, um which is another awesome thing about this movie. I mean, it just throws you right the fuck in. Yeah, with the little Amish Vulcan staring in the fucking window. Getting ready to drop of a death grip.
00:10:50
Speaker
He's standing there like...
00:10:58
Speaker
Man, I remember the first time I watched this movie... um A lot of my family um on my mother's side i was out in like rural Ohio and identical to fucking Gatlin. My Uncle Bill had a farm out there, and we'd be going out there and stuff. And the little towns and stuff we would stop in when we were there whatever looked just like this town. And i remember being in a diner-ish kind of place.
00:11:26
Speaker
wasn't just like this, but i was like so freaked out. like that something like this was going to happen. My grandma got coffee and I was like, Oh no, like, is this going to happen? Like, okay. And I was a paranoid ass kid. So be like watching all these movies probably didn't help me, but I can remember distinctively like it it hit home. You know what mean? Cause was out in this shit all the time.
00:11:53
Speaker
so Did you ever milk his bulls? No. He's like, come here, Kevin. Those are those are my those are my other family's chops. Get some milk out of here. He's like, of say he's like I milked your bull.
00:12:09
Speaker
He's got one big udder. He's like, we don't have
00:12:16
Speaker
Oh, shit. goes that He's got a fucking milk mustache.
00:12:26
Speaker
Oh shit. And little Joby is sitting at the counter eating some ice cream when they start killing everybody and his dad he watches his dad get murdered right in front of him. Yeah he gets money shot all over his face too. Yeah. He has he gets he gets a little squirt.
00:12:45
Speaker
that And no fucking because they start poisoning old the old people with whatever she put in the coffee. Yeah.
00:12:56
Speaker
And then ah i Malachi, who I don't know how old he's supposed to be here because remember, this is three years earlier. hmm.
00:13:07
Speaker
So he would have had to have been at the most 15. He probably just one of them big kids. he He's like, I got a smooth brain. Yeah, I suppose I did look like a big retard when I was a kid.
00:13:22
Speaker
He's yeah i suppose i did look like a big retard when i was a kid he's I was in kindergarten almost as tall as my teachers.
00:13:35
Speaker
I hit my growth spurt early. like I like to play on the swings with the other children. you grew as you came out. hey i blew my mom's pussy apart coming out.
00:13:50
Speaker
She's like, Jesus Christ, that big ass head.
00:13:58
Speaker
ah You came out ready to drive. looked like a cone head. like my mom squeals. My mom. My mama done squoze my head.
00:14:10
Speaker
She tensed up.
00:14:14
Speaker
She sneezed when I was coming out. and Gave me a cone head.
00:14:22
Speaker
I was like, God, my mama sneezed when I came out. Now I got the strength of 10 men. ah Holy shit, dude.
00:14:35
Speaker
And Joby's sister is ah what they they think she's sick, but she's actually one of Stephen King's magical characters yeah that he that he likes to put. in he gives He gives somebody the shining in every goddamn story.
00:14:52
Speaker
They've got some sort of shining, yeah, which I like in a way. Especially if you want to create a universe, you know. She draws the future. She draws. She's prophetic.
00:15:04
Speaker
She's like ah with crayons. Yeah. But the scene ends with his mom screaming on the phone. the phone's dangling there and his mom's like, what are you kids doing here? oh Yeah. Yeah.
00:15:18
Speaker
yeah Yeah. That was your intro. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah, Joby has to watch his father get his throat slit and then hear his mother screaming on the phone.
00:15:30
Speaker
Yep. And he's... He's just, like, chill. Like, after that, like, he's you know what I'm saying? he's you could And he's telling the story, too, which I do like. um he's He's narrating, you know? Yeah. it's kind of neat because it's such a brutal...
00:15:51
Speaker
fucking opening scene and you got this little kid this is what happened three years ago at my town you know yeah i my dad got his blood all in my cool whip you know like Isaac the incel yeah Isaac who's 27 years old but but this really cool guy came to town one time and killed the entire town That he looks like a toddler.
00:16:20
Speaker
He looks like a toddler Vulcan. Someone let Star Trek in this town. and i bet I bet Isaac is the kind of person that when you go into the bathroom, he's standing at the urinal with his pants down around his knee ankles. I guarantee you he's one of them.
00:16:40
Speaker
ah I went to a ah show some weeks ago and i was i was in the urinal and there was some guy that damn near had his pants down all the way when he was pissing.
00:16:54
Speaker
ah has a couple urinals down from me. i think i I think women, when they're vetting their husbands, should have to watch them pee a urinal at least once.
00:17:08
Speaker
Because that's a red flag right there. If you're one of those guys that pulls your pants down around your ankles to piss at a urinal... What about the guys that like piss at the urinal and just put their hands on their hips?
00:17:26
Speaker
Have you ever run into that? i so I saw a guy recently. i think social media is getting terrible because I saw a guy recently on the phone while he was at the urinal and he was watching like TikTok videos or something and just laughing.
00:17:44
Speaker
um Maybe he had an infection. Yeah. yeah that's a ah i think cell phones in the bathroom are probably a crime because there's a camera on there. Yeah. what Whatever. Especially if you're videotaping.
00:18:03
Speaker
Maybe he was taking pictures of his asshole and looking at it. That's my
00:18:14
Speaker
But then we get to meet ah Bert and Vicky. Who we've already made fun of a little bit. but Yeah, just a little bit. Just a little bit. Because it's Bert's birthday.
00:18:27
Speaker
and she gives him the lamest birthday present ever. he turned his audio into an innie. That's why he was so pissed. Throughout the whole rest of the drive, he's like angry. ah Yeah. she She softened him up for sure.
00:18:46
Speaker
He's... he but I don't know what that song she was singing was, but you could tell like halfway through it, Linda Hamilton was embarrassed. She was like, what the fuck am I doing? One, two, three, four, no more books and studies.
00:19:05
Speaker
Now I stay out late with my buddies. I can do the things that I want to do. Cause all my exams are through. He's like, this is a great idea, but it was a but not the execution I was looking for.
00:19:20
Speaker
Well, then she lays down with him and he's like, you know what? i I'm going to go masturbate in the shower. like, you know what? I want to go a drive for three hours. Yeah, he just ruined this ruined my goddamn mood.
00:19:34
Speaker
But little does he know that worse things are to come. Yeah. because they're they're arguing while they're driving like they do.
00:19:46
Speaker
Well, I guess not really. They were listening to the evangelist a little bit. Yeah. and through the radio That's all that's on the radio. It's like, what do you, you know, it's that's all that was. He's like, I'm so sick of this stuff.
00:20:00
Speaker
And she throws up the no room for a commitment. And he's like, don't. You fucking motherfucker.
00:20:12
Speaker
Oh, we forgot about the lighter that she gives them too, which as, as it's, as we know, it's a, what do they call that? Uh, ah hair A red herring or whatever.
00:20:23
Speaker
Whatever they fucking call it. That comes into play later. Yeah. the ah They're just foreshadowing. Foreshadowing. They're set they're setting up ah ah which I mean didn't really need to be done but because you can light fires with other things. Yeah.
00:20:47
Speaker
But maybe that town, I mean, a bunch of kids, they're not old enough to get lighters. They haven't, yeah. They're like, we're not allowed to in there. Malachi the only one old enough to buy a lighter. they won't say ah Isaac's like 25, but he doesn't look it, so they don't sell it to him.
00:21:08
Speaker
He's always trying to buy lighters, and they won't sell it to him. Malachi or Isaac is maligned because he just looked he's like I'm 78 years old but I look like a child Star Trek came in today trying to buy another goddamn lighter that little falcon fucker tried to neck pinch me yeah that shit don't work in real life little man he's trying to neck pitch him but he's really pinching the side of his hip
00:21:40
Speaker
How many times when you were little did kids try to do that to you? Yeah, it fucking sucked too if they got you. Yeah, they'd knock you unconscious. You wake up and your butt hurts. My my dad fucking did that shit and it hurt, man.
00:21:58
Speaker
i ah oh I guess I said that in the wrong spot. He fucking neck pinched me one time and it hurt really fucking bad.
00:22:10
Speaker
I woke up later. He Vulcan neck pinched you and when you woke up, your butt hurt. Yeah. When I woke, it was making squishy noises.
00:22:22
Speaker
but
00:22:25
Speaker
Oh, shit. So we cut to a scene um where Joseph, he's like, what the, is he like the older brother to Joby and Sarah? or I don't know if he, I don't think he's related to them. I think he's just, it's a short part.
00:22:42
Speaker
Yeah. He's, but he's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. He's like, I'll be back for you guys. Yeah, and he wants to go. They want to go with him, but he's like, you guys would just slow me down. That's fucked up. I bet those little kids could run further and faster than he can. Yeah.
00:22:59
Speaker
They got energy for days. and You can't catch three of them with one person, but they don't know yet that um ah Malachi teleports. He has some kind of teleportation powers.
00:23:15
Speaker
He's this is how fish gets all their fans. yeah
00:23:23
Speaker
Catches them on cornfields. ah get Get the net. yeah And joseph like Joseph's like, you guys are just going to slow me down. And then when he when he goes to run, the two kids are like, it's all clear. and's And the other one goes, go, go. And it's like, well, you're fucking yelling now, you dickheads. He's right here. He's trying to be sneaky about this.
00:23:49
Speaker
yeah Malachi's with his Kool-Aid mustache ah fucking and his knife yeah he just cuts on putting down ah a fucking pint of Kool-Aid actor yeah drink so some of that red drink red drink
00:24:17
Speaker
yeah But of course, Joseph gets killed like he's like 10 feet into the fucking cornfield. Yeah. Stupid asshole. Yeah. It's like, is didn't you know ah the red mist? Malachi shows up and fucking throws. he's like, you're trying to leave and throws his glass of Kool-Aid on him.
00:24:42
Speaker
fuck Malachi must just ah because I'll talk more about that later but he fucking gets around I don't know yeah he's a wiry fucker I'm sure he runs pretty quick yeah but faster than a car you do a lot shit when you're on drugs man i mean not just faster much faster oh Yeah, i got yeah but but ah
00:25:19
Speaker
but I always thought that Malachi had propped Joseph up in the road when I was younger. And i still it still kind of seems like that. But I guess he's supposed to still be alive when the car hits him. And ah he was running through the street. but Well, the way I took it was like he was just in the street and like it's such a quick scene.
00:25:44
Speaker
But he like turns around like, you know, I mean, he's obviously shocked. He's the shocky's like, oh he was stumbling out. He had Kool-Aid in his eye and gets hit by a fucking car. Yeah.
00:25:57
Speaker
yeah the ah Yeah, because Bert and Vicky are just arguing and they're looking at the map and then he fucking creams Joseph. Yeah, dude. ah Or, yeah.
00:26:09
Speaker
They don't fuck around with this fucking hit scene, dude. Like, it looks incredible. Well, and especially for the time, it was pretty taboo to kill a kid. Yeah. In a movie. It was, yeah, it's ah it's a pretty brutal scene.
00:26:23
Speaker
So you, yeah, I mean, ah watching this, you could be like, ah, children of the corn, that's for pussies. but ah Yeah, maybe, but. It's brutal. It's the quiet in the movie too.
00:26:36
Speaker
You know what I'm saying? um That sets it a lot in these scenes. um Because it's, you know, it's, so fast that it it's so fucking loud. It breaks like all the silence in that, in that countryside, you know?
00:26:53
Speaker
I don't know. I've always liked that part too. Oh yeah. Well, also being, especially both of us have lived in or around rural areas. When should I do? do I do now. I've got a cornfield right across the street. Yeah.
00:27:10
Speaker
yeah I mean, I'm surrounded in corn. ah Oh, man. What do the kids eat? Because I imagine you could tell if you found green corn, if if you found one of them, if you found one of these,
00:27:30
Speaker
if you found one of their turds out in the woods, it just looked like a corn cob. Because we know you don't digest corn. It just goes right on through. like rabbit pellets and shit. It just looks like corn kernels i ah just looks like a pile of corn. Them corn boys out in the wood, out in the cornfield been pooping on my lawn. just looks like a little pile of corn. I was just like, how do you know it's me?
00:28:00
Speaker
ah How can you tell? ah It ain't nothing but corn. Ain't even cooked either. That's how they find out if you're pure. It's a cleansing. Yeah.
00:28:16
Speaker
yeah but They're like ultra vegan.
00:28:25
Speaker
ah They're as vegan as you get. I'm going to go get a can of corn out of my cabinet and dump it in the toilet and see if I can clog it up. and I don't think it's possible. Science experiment.
00:28:40
Speaker
Yeah. could If I let Isaac use my toilet, would he clog it up? Will he fit? But but they ah but they he he gets out of his car and to investigate, and he's you know he's like, step back. I'm a doctor. Yeah, yeah. Get back to the car. We're still arguing.
00:29:03
Speaker
He rolls the kid over and sees that his neck is all bloody. So he says he done been murdered, and I don't think he tells... ah Vicky that he put the kid in the trunk because he put him in the trunk while she was asleep.
00:29:19
Speaker
Yeah. And then he went out and then he went out into the cornfield and found his suitcase. Yeah. and they're like, let's go through it. There might be something important.
00:29:31
Speaker
While he's out there looking around, Vicky's dreaming about Malachi. She wants some red lips all over she's been She's been into fish for so long and like, she just can't wait to get to this fucking show.
00:29:49
Speaker
She'll do her little song for him and he'll yeah like, nevermind. He'll be like, you're coming on tour with us. You outlander whore. These guys will love you.
00:30:01
Speaker
ah I'm he who walks behind the hose ah with my with my red drink. with my red lips. She'll get Kool-Aid stains all over her face and her you know per other areas. She'll have lipstick marks. Kool-Aid marks. Yeah, you got Kool-Aid stains on my unmentionables. You got Kool-Aid kisses all over you.
00:30:29
Speaker
ah Big Mick Jagger looking Kool-Aid kisses. That boy's got a mouth on him.
00:30:42
Speaker
Oh, shit. But see, you now, Malachi is currently at the car, you know? He just killed Joseph. Joseph ran out into the street. I mean, he slit his throat, allegedly.
00:30:56
Speaker
So he would have died almost immediately after So give or take a couple minutes was, like you know, Malachi was in the area. But then we we cut to Gatlin with Joby and Sarah playing Monopoly.
00:31:15
Speaker
Yeah. And guess who the fuck shows up? Malachi! The teleporter. And and he takes he takes the kids to Isaac because he's a fucking snitch.
00:31:29
Speaker
hey He takes them directly to Isaac so they have this meeting and everything. n And Vicky and Bert are still driving. Still, I mean...
00:31:43
Speaker
Well, but they did get lost, remember, too. No, not yet. oh they have No, they don't get lost until after they stop at the gas station. Oh, that's right. yeah yeah Which, guess who shows up there, too? Malachi is a slick willy.
00:32:00
Speaker
He's one of those kids that like, did you ever go to your buddy's house that would make the Kool-Aid and they dumped like a fucking cup of sugar, like a ridiculous tour. It's like crunching when you're drinking it.
00:32:12
Speaker
He's one of those kids. That's why he's so fucking fast. It's he's got the strength of diabetes. Yeah. I had about seven pounds of sugar this morning.
00:32:27
Speaker
He drank his Kool-Aid. It's like fucking Popeye's spinach. Yeah. I had a pound of sugar this morning. I'm going to run faster.
00:32:38
Speaker
but He's like the Flash. Yeah. It's like just a red streak because he's a fucking ginger. The red mist. yeah It's just as it's like a mist of his fucking red hair and shit.
00:32:54
Speaker
And Isaac knows that Sarah is psychic. He's like, she has you'll have the gift of sight. Yeah. And he's like, narcing them out. He's like, they're playing games.
00:33:07
Speaker
They were listening to music and playing games. They're forbidden. They're forbidden. Fucking. I've seen this car upon the road. Go to the old man. Make sure he tells them nothing.
00:33:22
Speaker
What about these two? Take them back where they were. But they had a game in music. They're forbidden. Question me not, Malachi. I act according to his rule. He does have a big knife, though. He's a skinny little guy. And I guess I should say it's Courtney Gaines who plays Malachi, and I'm a huge fan of his. I fucking love Courtney Gaines in this and the burbs. yeah He's even in an episode of Seinfeld where he ah works at a video store. Yep.
00:33:55
Speaker
Yeah, he's ah he's a great character. ah you know We're going to bust those balls, though, just like we do everybody else. I had a cat for about 20 years that I named Malachi yeah this after this Kool-Aid mustache looking motherfucker.
00:34:09
Speaker
Speaking of Malachi, do you remember back in the Insomnia days, the the three dudes that like went around and they all took their names from that Poppy Z Bright Lost Souls book and we had Zila and Malachi? What? Oh,
00:34:26
Speaker
Yeah. Fucking. Jeez. Yeah, but. Malachi. But they pass a sign that says Gatlin is four miles away.
00:34:38
Speaker
Yeah. So that means that Malachi ran four miles, then went over to Job and Sarah's house for what fucking reason he just showed up there.
00:34:54
Speaker
Who knows? He's a busy bee. But then he goes to a meeting, you know, because he snitches on him. So he goes takes him to Isaac. An HR meeting. Yeah.
00:35:07
Speaker
All this happened in between the time that they hit the kid and go get to the gas station. Yeah, a lot they've had a busy day for sure. Because I don't know how to say his name, but I'm just going to call him Dell, the gas station attendant.
00:35:24
Speaker
Yeah. but But you got to pull up a picture him and tell me he doesn't look like the Brundle dog. He looks like he looks like ah if a man used that teleporter from the fly and there was a dog in there. Yeah, he does. dog there but but but The Brundle dog. Yeah.
00:35:48
Speaker
oh that's ah' kind of how he That's why he's talking to Sarge. yeah ah oh oh bur Yeah. They walk up on him doing that and he's like, oh, oh sorry, sorry.
00:36:03
Speaker
He starts humping his leg. Yeah, they're they're looking for him and then he's just is like, wait, what? He looks down and he's humping his leg. ah Sarge is looking at him, shaking his head.
00:36:16
Speaker
ahvi just let over The dog's just like, let him finish it out. ah He's got a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.
00:36:27
Speaker
She looks over and Del's just walking around the ah driveway, dry humping the air. Dragging his butt. Licking his balls.
00:36:41
Speaker
7-10 split licking his balls. That fucking dude. He he does look to RG Armstrong. That guy looks he looks to and the Brundle dog.
00:36:57
Speaker
oh shit. that's oh
00:37:02
Speaker
He's like, look what I can do. and Burt stares. He's jealous. yeah I've been trying to do that my whole life. How does he get his leg that high?
00:37:21
Speaker
But ah he tried, but Dell tries to tell them not to stop at Gatlin. he He's like, don't go to Gatlin. There's nothing They ain't got no phones.
00:37:33
Speaker
er no no there got no phones
00:37:40
Speaker
yeah yeah ah but we get we also we get a little shot of uh this is our first like um out in the middle of the cornfield it cuts away for a second the show isaac preaching everybody and guess who's there ah Fucking Malachi. Quick red. That's what we'll call him.
00:38:06
Speaker
ah Quick red. He's in every scene everywhere. But this, because this is, a this is, I guess, supposed to be happening while they're at the gas station. Mm-hmm.
00:38:20
Speaker
The way they inserted this scene. Yeah. And you can tell Isaac is the, or Malachi is the important one. Cause he's the only one sitting with good posture. he He's like Isaac's hype man.
00:38:36
Speaker
Instead of a clock, he's wearing like a sundial. yeah He's like, yeah, the blue man. go
00:38:48
Speaker
He's wearing a fucking farmer's almanac around his neck. Yeah, Isaac. i isaac Isaac's like, he's even more powerful than the blue man. And you hear Amalekite is like, yeah, boy.
00:39:10
Speaker
It'd be like, yeah! I mean, that's basically what he's doing. He's just, in this scene, he's just being Isaac's hype man. He's getting everybody riled up.
00:39:22
Speaker
Yeah, he's their pep rally. But I noticed Amos wasn't invited. He's wearing like ah three flannels and shit.
00:39:35
Speaker
Yeah, boy! Like five pairs out of suspenders. got it all.
00:39:44
Speaker
I didn't see Amos in this scene and he seems pretty devoted to not be attending the meetings. Yeah. I don't, I like, I like that. They, they already put like a, a rift in the relationship of this religion, you know, like there's already one or there's one that's been brewing for quite a while, you know?
00:40:07
Speaker
Yeah, there's a, well, I mean, at this point, it's not clear, but you can tell he is definitely challenging his authority with his hypeness. Yeah. Because anyone, anyone in a cult would be more likely to follow Malachi than Isaac.
00:40:25
Speaker
Because Isaac's not even like intimidating. At least Malachi for his 90 pounds. You know, when you're leading a bunch of children, 90 pounds, Malachi looks pretty big, I guess.
00:40:40
Speaker
Yeah. I can see that, but I mean, in any kind of cult or something, you're always going to have that ah but you know that that second in command that's going to be a little bit more brutal than you know the leader. you know yeah Because they want to take over and they want to form it in their own way because they see the flaws of the prior patriarch. you know Well, and this is the... ah This is also the first scene where you hear the term outlanders.
00:41:16
Speaker
Yeah. But they, you know, um we go back to the gas station and ah Sarge is missing. Mm-hmm. Because the red mist or what do you call him? Quick red. Quick red.
00:41:33
Speaker
Kool-Aid. Kool-Aid is running around. Kool-Aid. Because he's always on time.
00:41:43
Speaker
He's running around ah just murdering everybody. and Yeah, fuck this guy for killing his dog, though. Oh, I know. i like Malachi, but fuck him for this. And at least they didn't they didn't show it on screen. They just showed his... That shit still hit, though, because you know he finds like the bloody bandana.
00:42:04
Speaker
yeah And he's like, he starts howling. And he's like,
00:42:17
Speaker
I killed you, Sarge. Why'd you have to go after him?
00:42:26
Speaker
ah but uh but yeah and the the sky starts to you know that's the first sign we get of actual fucking something going on other than just crazy children too because the sky starts going going a mess yeah yeah and uh then of course they kill dell which former's almanac was right on time Yeah, that could have saved you. Kool-Aid.
00:42:54
Speaker
Kool-Aid, man. Bust through the wall. That's how he I done had about 8 million sugars. it Sugars.
00:43:05
Speaker
He busts through the wall and he's like, yeah. He's got a fucking fanny pack full of sugar packets. he's got He's got a fanny pack full of like, back in elementary school where we used to just mix sugar and Cooley together for like, get a fun dip.
00:43:23
Speaker
He's got a lick them stick and a whole fucking fanny pack full of sugary fucking... He's got fucking hood ass fucking fun dip in his fanny pack. He's like, I'm running low. I need to up my dosage. Zip. Licks his lick them stick and shoves it in the sugar.
00:43:44
Speaker
He's got a bunch of like half eaten ones in there.
00:43:54
Speaker
Oh, fuck. But Burt and Sarah finally arrive at Gatlin. But this is not... They drive through the fucking cornfield, which is the worst goddamn decision ever.
00:44:06
Speaker
Yeah, he's like, I know i know a shortcut. I know maths. I'm a man. he's He's like, we're already lost, so let me try something. Yeah, I know.
00:44:17
Speaker
Stupid. I know, man. But I can't argue with the results. Yeah. He's like, see,
00:44:27
Speaker
However, they were not trying to get to Gatlin. They just resigned to go to Gatlin and Gatlin looks like a ghost town. Yeah. And they visit, they visit the cafe from the intro. That was three years ago. Malachi doesn't age. Of course, no one ages.
00:44:47
Speaker
in Gatlin but when Vicky almost touches the rat she she goes yuck that always sticks out to me because I'm like nobody talks like that yuck in the real world yeah she actually just said it she goes yuck rat oh shit brett
00:45:15
Speaker
shit But they come out and see some kids fucking around with their car. Yeah. And they... Hey, you! Get out of here! yeah Get! They roll up a newspaper and start whacking them.
00:45:28
Speaker
Get on out of there, boy! What are you doing?
00:45:33
Speaker
What are you doing? and And he just happens to see movement up in one of the houses, and that's where they meet Sarah and Joby. Yeah. And there this was... ah Well, actually, they meet Sarah, right?
00:45:49
Speaker
Because they don't meet Joby yet. He's, uh, Joby is still running around town. They meet Sarah, but she doesn't mention him. Because Bert, because then Bert goes to, uh, he goes to investigate the town and, and Vicky stays with Sarah because he's, they, they find her.
00:46:08
Speaker
And he's like being aggressive again. hu and And like, he's like, you stay here. i'm going to go. I'm going to go look around town.
00:46:21
Speaker
like, goddamn, bro. um Calm down. Fuck them in the ass We're going to stay here and masturbate.
00:46:29
Speaker
Yeah Sir yes sir ah But they split up Because that's what you do in horror movies Well absolutely And he just He just kind of casually Walks around town Looking looking in all the windows and shit While There's something wrong here While Vicky's getting took Yeah and And of course, who takes her?
00:46:59
Speaker
he just pops in out nowhere. Well, I mean, the red mist, the Kool-Aid man, the the quick red.
00:47:10
Speaker
Quick red.
00:47:14
Speaker
Quick Eddie.
00:47:18
Speaker
quick eddie yeah he He killed Del. ah So he killed 1.5 dogs in this movie already. Yeah.
00:47:33
Speaker
That's 1.5 too many dogs. Yeah. Yep. But But yeah, they they get Vicky. And you know, a woman who, she was like 27 when they filmed this. Uh-huh. And these are these are all like tina kids that abduct her, like teenage boys. I was like, oh my God, if this was real life.
00:47:58
Speaker
Ha ha ha Vicky would come walking out that cornfield walking like John Wayne. Oh, my butt hurts, pilgrim. o Those bugs, she looked like she got slimed. shit.
00:48:24
Speaker
oh shit
00:48:27
Speaker
So we get, like, Bert gets back it to find that, you know, his car's been corned.
00:48:38
Speaker
ah His car done been corned. They replaced his engine with a corn engine. ah They were like, you run on corn. That's the's the Lord's way.
00:48:50
Speaker
That's what my truck runs on. but ah E85, baby. and they mentioned that They mentioned that actually earlier he was like, all the fuel we need is here. you know After they talk about him taking out the Dell. He's like...
00:49:08
Speaker
he's like so So if your truck runs on corn, would you call the um would you call that a cornhole that you fill it up with? Yeah, I put it right in the cornhole.
00:49:22
Speaker
ah ah so To fill up my truck, you have to cornhole it. well
00:49:30
Speaker
Told you I love my truck, man. i got to fill her up.
00:49:41
Speaker
and and Burt sees the drawing that Sarah made of the fucking dragon yeah He's like, clearly a dragon breathing fire on a blonde woman in a cornfield. He's like, something must be wrong. He's like, dragons don't exist.
00:50:00
Speaker
ah ah Yeah. that's why he That's why he goes back to find that she's gone and his car has been corned. because He's like, i saw I saw an image of a dragon.
00:50:12
Speaker
like He sits her down and slams a crayon. He's like, draw it again. Tell me where she's at. Yeah. Show me. Show me on the paper.
00:50:25
Speaker
You drew that fucking dragon. Is he who walks behind a rose supposed to look like a dragon? ah Draw it again.
00:50:38
Speaker
it'd be It'd be tiring if every time you had to say, you couldn't say God or anything, they had to say he who walks behind the rose. Yeah, it's it starts with a... jesusz He who walks behind the room but R-O-W-S. They're like, can't we just call him Rose? Yeah.
00:51:04
Speaker
ah we'll We'll name him Axel Rose. let's see he's in out there When we finally...
00:51:21
Speaker
that's We finally see what comes out of the ground. It's fucking Axel. Doing his snake dance. Yeah.
00:51:34
Speaker
Throwing a fit because his mic's fucking up. You're gonna
00:51:41
Speaker
Welcome to the cornfield, baby. ha, ha, ha,
00:51:58
Speaker
yeah and fucking uh Bert goes to the cornfield cause he to go find Vicky and that corn opens up to him like get it daddy yeah November rain's playing in the background in the cold November rain
00:52:22
Speaker
yeah it's hard to hold a candle but In a cold November rain.
00:52:33
Speaker
Oh, yeah. yeah he so So, um, he goes, this cornfield just opens up, like, just wanting it. So he goes, he goes on down the, goes on down the way.
00:52:46
Speaker
and then we see, uh, Isaac and Malachi arguing that they're, uh, what would you consider this kind of an Antifa? Get together considering they have like a ah cop crucified, like it's a ACAB party or whatever.
00:53:01
Speaker
Well, I would say this is probably just about any fucking religious or political group. It's all the same. It's all fucking worshipping. The blue man The blue man.
00:53:15
Speaker
That blue man up there tried to make ah take away all the music and games and then he immediately took away their music and games. He didn't do it like how I did it.
00:53:27
Speaker
Yeah, I don't want him to do it. I want to be the one who does it. Yeah. He's wrong. you know i always, i always think of it like, um, i always think of it like how, how recently everyone's piling on billionaires when it's multi-millionaires that are doing it. It's like us as Gen Xers. Yeah. convinced that we convinced the millennials that the boomers are the problem. It's like we are the ones that are doing it.
00:54:01
Speaker
It's not us. Yeah. It's the Yankee Rose, dude. Genius. Yeah. it's The longest running joke. You fools. We got you last all along. And then they're passing it it on down. So it's just, you know, it's the gift that keeps on giving. Yeah. Now it's Gen Z and boomers.
00:54:23
Speaker
why and We made it out. We made it out unscathed. We're like the millionaires convincing everybody that the billionaires are the problem. We can relate to you. yeah Unlike those people. yeah And then all the fools go, yeah, you're right. They're fucking billionaires. Yeah, we're like, yeah, go get them. The boomers.
00:54:48
Speaker
Yeah, go get them. So stupid. Fucking genius, though. Yeah. I'm just sitting here eating popcorn. Yeah.
00:55:01
Speaker
Yeah. we We had the best music anyway, so it. Eat a dick.
00:55:09
Speaker
Get fucked.
00:55:12
Speaker
Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah, but they're arguing about ah whether Malachi should have killed Joseph or Del. Yeah.
00:55:26
Speaker
ah ah ben Malachi thinks they should offer Joby and Sarah to he who walks behind the rose. To Axl Rose. Axl Rose.
00:55:40
Speaker
Oh man, if I remade this, I'd have one of the blue men from the blue man. i was
00:55:50
Speaker
It really is. And they're fucking like PVC drum set. yeah Well, they don't talk. So he it's not like he could be up there going, Oh my God, get me down from here. I'd be like, stop talking, blue man. The photo man the the cross is made out of the PVC piping.
00:56:07
Speaker
ah Yeah, you hit it, it goes... Yeah, it's got different tones. taser ah Play me a song, Blue Man. and They keep feeding him marshmallows.
00:56:18
Speaker
if He's crying. oh oh He keeps spitting them out in different colors. so they Play me a little ditty, Blue Man.
00:56:34
Speaker
okay I'll tell you what, they're incredible. Me and Crystal saw them live at their spot in New York. I think it was in 2015 or something. But dude, they have their own little area and it was fun.
00:56:51
Speaker
Hey, I'm making fun of them a little bit, but yeah, they are fucking phenomenal. I'm going to make fun of them but yeah, they're a fun show. If anybody ever gets a chance, go see them, man.
00:57:04
Speaker
They're probably Gen Xers. Yeah, they're part of our crew, I think. Now, we're not the problem, clearly. They just paint themselves blue and hide.
00:57:16
Speaker
ah And like Frank, always funny when they painted them all black, put them in the basement. my God. Just flushing his shoes. Cause he was stressed out.
00:57:33
Speaker
ah god flu in his shoes cause he was stressed out
00:57:43
Speaker
So we get to Amos. Amos's. Yeah. Famous Amos. Yep. Famous Amos. Amos's ceremony where who Amos is played by. ah What's his name from Return the Living Dead?
00:58:01
Speaker
oh fucking. ah John Philbin. Yeah. And ah he played Chuck in Return Living Dead. Do you like sex and death? Yeah.
00:58:13
Speaker
Yeah, so fuck off and die. it to fuck up and die. Yeah. Yeah, that's only other thing know. He was the sweaty one. he wasn't yeah very sweaty in this one. He was the sweaty one in his big brother's suit.
00:58:27
Speaker
yes yeah Yeah. It looked like he had lost, recently lost 100 pounds. yeah Yeah. It's my big brother. he's trying to meet weight requirements.
00:58:39
Speaker
yeah he's got garbage bags on underneath so he can sweat it all out
00:58:48
Speaker
but they they shouldn't show the close-up of him cutting the pentagram into his chest because you can clearly tell he's just wiping blood off the knife onto him oh yeah yeah and he's dripping it into a corn bowl yeah Bono bowls. yeah and Collect the whole set.
00:59:07
Speaker
ah Collect the corn bowls. Collect the whole set. col bowl Then Aemon starts pulling cookies out of his pocket and handing it out.
00:59:22
Speaker
Eat for me for this is my flesh. yeah
00:59:31
Speaker
And fucking what's her name? ah I the girl is Rachel. I think it is is the girl in this scene. She's fucking pregnant. So we got but we got a pregnant. I wonder if ah anus is the father. He could be I mean or Malachi.
00:59:50
Speaker
We got a pregnant corn worshiper. Imagine the fucking scurvy and goddamn malnutrition that that baby. ah Yeah, on a corn diet. baby That baby would come out. yeah and Breastfeeding and all it is is cream corn.
01:00:09
Speaker
nothing and She's not digesting anything because it's just going right. They run off pure ethanol. I done raised this baby on corn.
01:00:21
Speaker
Yeah, that's fucking crazy. Like that would be the, that baby would weigh about three ounces. Yeah. It'll weigh about, it'll weigh about the same amount as it you're a year of corn.
01:00:32
Speaker
It fall out into the toilet. They have to dehusk it.
01:00:42
Speaker
Yeah, it fucking, uh, that's that. And they're out in the country too. So you know how common it is. They'll be like that corn is half Indian corn. yeah That's not mine.
01:00:55
Speaker
the
01:00:58
Speaker
That is i'm one half hillbilly one half. it i'm one half yellow corn, one half Indian corn. Yeah.
01:01:07
Speaker
Yeah.
01:01:10
Speaker
ah
01:01:14
Speaker
Oh my God. Yeah, absolutely.
01:01:21
Speaker
Bert walks in and interrupts them. And, and like five of them pile on him and he just tosses them aside. It's like that ah theory of, you know, how many, how many like fifth graders or third graders you think you can beat up. Yeah. Yeah.
01:01:39
Speaker
oh Right now he's at five. Yeah, they fucking pile on him. and That's what I'm saying. He's like the fucking Terminator in this movie because even the big boy Malachi gets his ass kicked by Bert several times.
01:01:56
Speaker
They try to get him to fucking lick white dog shit.
01:02:05
Speaker
Try to make him lick the white corn turd.
01:02:13
Speaker
ah but uh he hes ah he tries to get which um anus is clearly is probably the only one in town that stood a chance of maybe beating bert in a fight but he's just sitting there like he's on fucking ecstasy or something because he probably is and and his baby mama stabs uh bert yeah you asshole but So that's really the only damage that gets done to him in the movie.
01:02:44
Speaker
They stab the Terminator.
01:02:48
Speaker
Slaps Malachi. He slaps him unconscious later. He fucking pimp smacks him.
01:03:01
Speaker
He's like teleport out of this bitch. My brother sent me that clip from fucking Blank Man where he gets smacked.
01:03:13
Speaker
And he goes, ah!
01:03:16
Speaker
so That's what that shit reminds me of.
01:03:26
Speaker
I fucking love Blank Man. That's one of the best movies ever. Anyway, sorry. Oh, you're fine. You're fine. But Joby, this is where he first meets Joby because Joby helps him hide.
01:03:40
Speaker
Yeah. Because fucking Bert can run, man. yeah All those kids are right behind him and then it cuts right away to the him running around the corner and they're nowhere to be seen. He hit turbo. Yeah.
01:03:56
Speaker
He had some of Malachi's Kool-Aid. ah Yeah. He got a sugar packet he found. He fucking... On one of his fucking fanny packs.
01:04:10
Speaker
His lick-em-stick packs. It's got Mr. T on it. Yeah. It's yeah all fucking it crusty. It's got to be for the time, so it could have Hillbilly Jim on it, because i imagine I imagine living out in the corn like this, they're probably big wrestling fans. Yeah, yeah.
01:04:35
Speaker
Big wrestling fans. Don't go messing with the country, boy. Oh,
01:04:44
Speaker
oh shit. And we go to another scene in the cornfield with Isaac and Malachi because Malachi is just everywhere. Yeah. arguing in the cornfield and Malachi pushes him down, you know, like kids do.
01:04:59
Speaker
And then he fucking puts him and, uh, he, he puts him and, uh, he puts Isaac and fucking, Vic Vicky's place.
01:05:10
Speaker
Yeah. crucifies his ass they're not doing it right they just tie him up there they should they should get the spikes get the spoits nothing will stick in them in them corn stalks probably they figured that out yeah and and one of the another one of those great scenes with uh memorable scenes with malachi walking down the street with sarah yeah the knife to her throat yep Screaming Outlander. Outlander.
01:05:44
Speaker
We have your woman. Outlander. We have your woman. She still lives.
01:05:54
Speaker
Outlander. Maybe you don't hear so well.
01:06:01
Speaker
Outlander. Her blood will spill. Unless you give yourself up. He wouldn't be able to hold on to her. Because she'd be all slippery. Yeah. with all the fucking teenager cum all over it'd be like like when frank and sunny frank throws the greased watermelons in the watermelon i bet fuck nobody he's coating and fucking hand sanitizer I bet right about now Vicky feels like a greased watermelon
01:06:37
Speaker
out in the fucking out in the cornfield with all those boys. They might. Now they are true. This is what religious fanaticism really looks like. If you're really religious, this is what it looks like. If you believe, I think because, uh,
01:06:54
Speaker
But I also think that once they are by themselves, if i have Malachi gets Vicky by herself, he might be the only one that doesn't have sex with her because he's a he truly believes that.
01:07:08
Speaker
Yeah, I think he's one of the he's definitely the more radical. Like I was saying earlier, you always have you have that leader and then you will always have that radical that's like second in command that follows everything to a T because the older one has gotten too wax in their eyes. you know Well, because as we find out later, you know they're all they're all their devotion is hanging on by a thread. Yeah.
01:07:36
Speaker
You know, they're, uh, except for Malachi, Rachel, Amos, of anus obviously, yeah and Isaac. Those are like the four people that are the problem.
01:07:48
Speaker
But Anus kind of makes the, um, he kind of, well, I'll talk about that later, but it's kind of him that brings every, starts everything kind of falling apart.
01:08:00
Speaker
Yeah. Well, well, him and Bert, obviously. Yeah, this is where the disruption really starts taking place. We have your woman!
01:08:13
Speaker
But um Sarah and Joby tell Bert they think they know where Vicky's at, so they take him they they take them to a fucking barn where they can see over they can see... Overview the whole cornfield.
01:08:29
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, and... um Oh... i I forgot to mention, because I wrote this down specifically. You know in the scene where they're cutting into Anus' chest? Mm-hmm.
01:08:44
Speaker
At the one hour and 22 second mark, look at the fucking picture on the wall, because I just made Kevin watch Frank and Thumb um from Steve Oda Kirk.
01:08:58
Speaker
Mm-hmm. ah recently and tell me that picture of jesus and whoever they put the big lips on and the big eyes it looks like i know what you're talking yeah i do know what you're talking about because i was always like what the fuck is that yeah it's so funny they did it to all the pictures but that particular one looks like one of the thumb characters i I thought you'd get a kick out of it. You need to. i want to watch When I watch it again, yeah. I i know what you're talking about so I remember seeing that like, what the fuck, but now I want to look at it in more detail.
01:09:33
Speaker
i Yeah, he's like, got a thumb on the wall. The last thumbtation of Christ.
01:09:44
Speaker
ah Oh man, they need to make that. The last temptation of the thumb. Yeah. Something. ah Where they're just beating the fucking holy shit out of a thumb on a crucifix.
01:10:00
Speaker
oh his With his fucking mouth. oh
01:10:10
Speaker
The eyes are all crossed and the shit.
01:10:14
Speaker
He's got a little ring on that's thorns.
01:10:19
Speaker
A thumb ring. It's a little thimble. Yeah. Yeah. Thimble. Thimble. The thimble of thorns.
01:10:29
Speaker
But this is where ah we get we actually get a ah the first real signing sign that ah he who walks behind the rose isn't bullshit. so So as much as you think everyone's crazy in this movie up to this point, in the context of the movie, everything they were worshipping is real. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it turned out to be some legit shit. i You know, that fucking Vulcan kid really knew what he was talking about.
01:11:01
Speaker
That little ah Amish Vulcan. Amish. Amish. anish treki That little Benjamin Buttons Vulcan. eight Because Anus is there and he senses their lord and he walks out into the corn to offer himself to the giant groundhog.
01:11:20
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And and um he... well yeah It pops out and it's the groundhog from Caddyshack. I'm alright. Ain't nobody worried about me.
01:11:39
Speaker
Malachi is fucking ah
01:11:44
Speaker
Bill Murray's character. hu Or Caddyshack 2 With ah What's Dan Aykroyd Keep your eye on the fruit Oh no a Is it No not Dan Aykroyd Chevy Chase Chevy Chase is in it but so is Dan Aykroyd And so is Cousin Eddie ah Cousin Eddie and Rodney Dangerfield Right Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah.
01:12:15
Speaker
I don't haven't seen it in a while. Bill Murray's in the first one with the turd in the pool. Yeah. The dookie. While the candy bar that everyone thinks is a turd. yeah. ah yeah and but but then fucking anus gets murdered out in the corn so everyone's like what the fuck was that yeah because it sounds like that thing just fucked him up yeah dude and then and then we see some sparkly lights going up uh isaac's legs and he gets fucking shot out into the corn on his crucifix yeah he couldn't yeah like pew
01:12:53
Speaker
it's It's like that scene on the ah Welcome to the Jungle video when Axel's getting fried in the chair. He's turning into Axel Rose from the Welcome to the Jungle video.
01:13:10
Speaker
You know who you are? You walk behind the rose now, baby. gonna die.
01:13:20
Speaker
i I'd be that one dork in the fucking cult that uses those little sticker, those little corn holder things. yeah yeah I don't want to get my hands all buttery. what
01:13:37
Speaker
ah You think they would look down on that? Yeah, they probably do. yeah ah Why do you eat your corn so fancy?
01:13:49
Speaker
You an outlander. and yeah You cannot break bread with us. You cannot break cornbread with us. you can't yeah call i want some of that sweet corn cake that Chi-Chi's used to have.
01:14:04
Speaker
oh shit. So, yeah, fucking Isaac takes off. He's fucking gone, as so we think anyway. Yeah. Well, he don't take off. He's strapped to a fucking cross and getting sailed through the air. Like a fucking rocket. Yeah. He had no choice in the matter. was a hobby rocket. It was one of their hobby rockets for science class.
01:14:29
Speaker
and And Bert, in like a few sentences, the most generic speech ever, just breaks all their devotion. Yeah. He's surprisingly compelling because he's a doctor yeah he surgically dismantled their arguments yes with his words like i use your words yeah the yeah and axel rose out in the field we see him a couple times it just looks like a ground giant groundhog moving under the dirt i guess i guess the way they did that was a cut dug out a hole and then stuck a uh uh wheelbarrow under there upside down and just drug it with a tractor oh sweet yeah i mean it worked
01:15:23
Speaker
Yeah, it looks pretty cool. I mean, granted, you only see a couple seconds of it at any time because I'm sure it just fucked up right away. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure there was multiple and they were just like, fuck it.
01:15:37
Speaker
ah and ah and Bert Bert gets in a fight with Malachi this is when a because he's turning everybody against him and Malachi attacks him but then Bert immediately knocks him to the ground and fucking starts pimp smacking him too ah into unconsciousness he just fucking yeah well he's a doctor he knows where to slap him to knock him out yeah that's one of the first things you learn in med school
01:16:09
Speaker
How to slap somebody until they pass out. He could have got some pointers from that Vulcan he just shot out. that yeah He who walks behind a rose just shot out into the fucking field.
01:16:22
Speaker
Shot over the rose. Yeah. He is now he who who flies over the rose. ah He gets mad and leaves early.
01:16:34
Speaker
it shuts everything down. Yeah.
01:16:39
Speaker
This is bullshit, baby.
01:16:44
Speaker
yeah Man, fucking ah rock stars are fucking jackasses sometimes. so Isaac returns.
01:16:56
Speaker
This scene, man, because before he returns, you just hear him say, Malachi! Malachi! Malachi!
01:17:08
Speaker
He wants you too, Malakai. But in this case, he was like,
01:17:29
Speaker
He's snake dancing up to him. ah Yeah, like wearing he's he's like, where'd you get those tight snakeskin pants at? He's wearing those fucking those fucking underwears that Axl used to wear on stage. Those little white underwears. i hate to... And a white hate leather jacket.
01:17:48
Speaker
I know that we reference Always Sunny in Philadelphia too much, but it would be funny if he had the skinny jeans on like Frank had. You see him from behind and his body proportions are pretty similar.
01:18:03
Speaker
yeah I've got a growth does I've got a hormone issue I can't help it yeah look that boy looks like 10 pounds of potatoes stuffed into a 5 pound bag looks like you got beat up with a sack of nickels yeah ah
01:18:29
Speaker
oh He's got bow-legged and...
01:18:40
Speaker
Oh,
01:18:43
Speaker
shit. And he And, um, like, a What's his name in, uh... This, uh... Vulgar display of power. Uh... Tim from, uh...
01:19:00
Speaker
yeah tim from fucking um monty python and the holy grail and he's just showing off because he starts tornadoes shit yeah oh yeah tim he starts manipulating the winds and yeah he's just letting it all hang out he's like he wants you to yeah you remember tim ah yeah oh oh yeah what is your favorite color No, that was the troll. Tim's the guy that was up in the, like, blown shit up. He had the ram horn. Right.
01:19:31
Speaker
Yeah, he's he's the one that was asking, I'll ask you these questions three. No, that was the, no, that's the that's a different. Or are you talking about the guy that played it? no he says, ah you can call me Tim. Yeah, he's like, I am, you can call me Tim.
01:19:49
Speaker
Yeah, he says his whole name and he says, but you called me, you some called me Tim. Something. I don't know. It's been forever since I've seen that, but it's like when he's just blowing shit up all over the place for no fucking reason. Yeah, it's just, he's just causing chaos. Yes, it's awesome. yeah That's what, that's what he who walked, that's what Axl Rose is doing at this point. He's just blowing shit up and everybody runs for the barn. Yeah. And Joby tells Bert about the plan that the blue man had.
01:20:19
Speaker
He wanted me to build this crazy thing out of PVC pipes. sarah has the Sarah has the blueprints already drawn up.
01:20:30
Speaker
Yeah, he's like, but all they had were these stupid fucking metal pipes. to It doesn't get the same resonance. Yeah, the blue man was out there pilfering fucking PVC. Yeah.
01:20:51
Speaker
He's like those crackheads that cut the copper out of people's houses. Oh yeah yeah, he was raiding it, yeah. For all their plumbing. He's fucking takeout.
01:21:04
Speaker
ah And they... So he's... he They got a fire hose there and he rigs up the fucking gas... Gasahol to spray all over the cornfield.
01:21:17
Speaker
To burn it all down. And he keeps fucking hating on the whole time. The fucking he who walks behind Rose is still out there losing his fucking mind. Oh, yeah. And and um I forgot to mention.
01:21:32
Speaker
Well, I think you might have that Isaac kills Malachi. he breaks He breaks his neck. Yeah, he takes him. Yeah. But that's the last we see of him, too. So.
01:21:43
Speaker
ah Which sucks. I would have liked to have seen more of possessed Isaac. Yeah. But we kind of after that. He comes back though. Doesn't he in like Children of the Corn 3 or 4 or some shit? He comes back.
01:22:00
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. But that. Yeah. We don't. We don't talk about those. They don't exist. Yeah. I even watched the remake recently. The one. Oh, I haven't.
01:22:16
Speaker
It's not a horrible movie, but as a remake, it's fucking atrocious. they need People need to just stop doing remakes. And revisions. Well, like Dawn of the Dead.
01:22:28
Speaker
That remake is fucking amazing, but it's not a remake. If anything, I would call it just another zombie movie or a tribute. it's more It's definitely more of a tribute. I mean...
01:22:40
Speaker
Yeah, because it's nothing like the original. So I hate when they take... It's like, if you don't want people... mean, I don't know, like the 10 Halloweens they've been fucking coming out with. Like... Yeah. Jesus Christ.
01:22:53
Speaker
we really needed We didn't even need a remake of it, let alone fucking 10. I have a two set of... ah um Halloween on VHS and that's really the only two I ever watch I don't watch them on VHS but the the first two are but well I like part three also but that's it's own thing after three I couldn't tell you the last time I watched any of the other ones yeah no more remakes yeah yeah ah especially of ah especially if you don't want it compared to the original like
01:23:33
Speaker
yeah that's the only problem. Well, other than the stupid baby scene, the the only problem with the Dawn of the Dead remake is that you named it Dawn of the Dead. So of course yeah I'm going to compare it. You should don't, don't do that. And it takes place in a mall.
01:23:48
Speaker
Yeah. Right. And there's zombies in it. Yeah. But ah yeah, they should have just ah called it something else. Cause that movie would stand just fine on its own. It's fucking great.
01:24:01
Speaker
Yeah, it's good. and ah But take the baby out. You know that?
01:24:07
Speaker
It's a girl. I'm going to make my own edit of that. It's a girl. Try to kill Luda. Try to kill my family. Try to kill my family. How do you like following a guy that steals TVs? Yeah.
01:24:27
Speaker
Or sells TVs. He goes, no more than I like following a guy who steals them. yeah
01:24:35
Speaker
I love Ving Rhames. It's a shame. He did that Day of the Dead remake because he was he is a true fan, but poor guy. he got involved with that turd.
01:24:49
Speaker
But anyway, back to Children of the Cornhole. The, uh... ah Jonathan Davis. Story of Jonathan Davis.
01:25:01
Speaker
Yeah, they... So he hooks up the gas to the fucking... um What do you call that? The irrigation system for the field? lafield Yeah.
01:25:13
Speaker
and he keeps giving Joby shit about, uh, not, um, following him out there. But it's like, if Joby didn't follow him out there, everything, everyone would have died because fucking Bert can't do Bert. Bert can kick all these kids asses. Right. But he can't figure out how to do shit without little Joby. Yeah. Joby's Joby's pinky and Bert's the brain or Bert is pinky and Joby's the brain. Yeah. Yep.
01:25:45
Speaker
because he they would all be dead if it was up to Bert this is true
01:25:52
Speaker
ah very true and ah but But he throws like a bitch. and He's trying to... ah and that Yeah, he uses a lighter. I don't even see the lighter in this scene. did did you Because they are you they use a Molotov cocktail to light the fire, but he must have lit the Molotov cocktail with the lighter. But I don't think they made a point to show it.
01:26:16
Speaker
i've Yeah, it's like quick. It's like the little come around thing. That stupid boner softener.
01:26:27
Speaker
The boner softener lighter. Yeah.
01:26:33
Speaker
But Bert throws like a pussy because he'd been stabbed in the arm and Joby roasts him a little bit for it. He's like, you throw like a fag. What's the matter with you?
01:26:48
Speaker
And he's like, oh, but fuck, dude, do this again. And he just throws it through the pain. The whole while the groundhog is just hogging it up out there. Yeah. Porky pig in it.
01:27:03
Speaker
Groundhog pops up out of the ground. He's got a fucking Guns N' Roses t-shirt on with no pants or underwear. Yeah. Yeah.
01:27:20
Speaker
You could be mine. hey that's Terminator 2. You're like, ah ah what is that? Six degrees of Kevin Bacon away with Linda Hamilton. Yeah.
01:27:36
Speaker
It's all coming around. yeah and And the fire lights and for whatever reason this demon can't... You know, ah we're raised up to believe that demons are from hell and hell is fire and brimstone. but But then you see a movie like this as a child and they kill a demon with fire. It's confusing. yeah it's It's weird.
01:28:05
Speaker
Yeah. You see like the the smoke. It almost looks like the cover of Return a Living Dead 2 with yeah smoke with the face in it. kaja butos Have you seen those sculptures of that? I want to get one of those.
01:28:21
Speaker
Those things are awesome. I also saw some people have the, um I think they were promos that they sent. I think they're little blow molds. Yeah. They're like little blow molds or something. um that's what i'm talking about yeah That's what I'm talking about. They're fucking sweet, dude. would love that. My hands on one too.
01:28:41
Speaker
Yeah, because I don't care what anyone says. Return the Living Dead 2 is awesome. it may not It's not a cult. They're both awesome. I look at them both just like I look at Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. You know what I'm saying? they're both They're both incredible movies. Like... Obviously, of the Living Dead 1 is unbeatable that series.
01:29:01
Speaker
But Return Living Dead 2 is fucking great. yeah I know I understand the problems with it, but I don't care. yeah there's no give was They're both amazing. Just like Evil Dead are amazing.
01:29:14
Speaker
Yeah, well, I would say um Army of Darkness might be the standout in those, because I don't think too It is, but I mean, as far as like where the story goes, but still amazing. Yeah. Well, Evil Dead 2, the beginning where the um rotten apple head, where it gets ash. In part two, they they summarize the first movie, and then when it gets to that part where...
01:29:42
Speaker
Rotten Applehead hits Ash. When it pulls back, that's officially the beginning of part two. Yeah. When he's flying through there and then falls into the mud puddle. Yeah.
01:29:52
Speaker
Because they they didn't remake the first one. They just um condensed the whole first movie into like the first 15 minutes of Evil Dead 2. It was to give you a rehash. It was almost like a series almost because he needed he liked how everybody...
01:30:08
Speaker
Everybody loved Evil Dead and he was like, I need to make another movie. Because what did he what do he you do prior? it Was it Crime Wave or something? was it um Well, he did that ah Within the Woods, which was his... Well, that was the very, very first one. But after Evil Dead, when he was still yeah i think underground.
01:30:27
Speaker
And then after that, which I don't think Crime Wave got too much acclaim... So he was like, man, like everybody really likes evil dead. So let me up the ante and make, you know, well yeah kind of a continuation. You know what I'm saying?
01:30:43
Speaker
You know I got Crime Wave on VHS. Do you really? It's loose. I don't have the case for it, but I have the VHS. Oh, yeah. I had got it in a... Because I had a buddy that worked at a video store.
01:30:58
Speaker
um And he the same guy that got me Return the Living Dead, he got i got Crime Wave from him also back then. But ah because this was before VHS's were, you know, they didn't really start selling VHS's at places like Media Play until like 1990. Yeah. So anything before that, you're lucky to have. Yeah. You had to order yeah a special order, a lot of shit. or Orders strictly from like the big the conglomerate places when they would sell them.
01:31:27
Speaker
Yeah, and they would release like classic shitty movies sometimes on VHS. that Because i have like I have Psychomania and of Living Dead. Those were my first two VHSs. And they're like these shitty companies that put them out. Well, you could get stuff like that before 1990, but it wasn't really until 1990 that you could actually buy VHSs. Yeah, yeah.
01:31:52
Speaker
commercially, i guess. Well, with, well at ease, as much ease as what we're used to, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And then they didn't last long because DVD came around. And I still kind of think DVD is one of the better formats only because, there, um, if I watch it on my computer, I can use my mouse to select the options. yeah First world problems. ah But anyway, the demon dies. Axel Rose went up in flames because of fire. Yep. For whatever reason.
01:32:32
Speaker
The pyrotechnics on the stage were but there's a mishap. here Yeah. Kind of like what happened to Metallica. But they get back to the car that's been corned. Yeah.
01:32:46
Speaker
They corned their car. Yeah. And what's he get, what's he there to get the map or something? I think he's there to get the map out of the car. Yeah, i think so. Yeah. But that pregnant corn hole, that pregnant woman in the car attacks him.
01:33:02
Speaker
That baby is going to be so fucked up. Cause he fucking slams the car door on her head. Now she's pretty much all alone because she's the last fanatic. Yeah.
01:33:13
Speaker
They're fucking other brain leaking out her ear. Yeah, and that fucking baby's probably got a foot out already. It's got a husk out.
Adoption and Legal Plans
01:33:25
Speaker
She's a CTE now.
01:33:27
Speaker
She's prairie dog in that baby. ah but ah She's turtle heading. Yeah.
01:33:41
Speaker
I got that baby. You can see the top of his head. Yeah. but
01:33:52
Speaker
Oh, man, that'd be funny if that was thing. You can see the top of the kernels? i
01:34:00
Speaker
You see the husk hanging out? yeah Looks like she's got green flappers.
01:34:10
Speaker
ah but But they unofficially adopt Joby and Sarah. I would say the court for at least a few months anyway, according to what Vicky is saying. Right.
01:34:25
Speaker
But ah I think their first stop should be the police. Yeah, maybe. how Maybe. so they just kind of walk off into obscurity. Yeah. With the kids. Who knows where the fuck they're going.
01:34:39
Speaker
well I fucking love this movie so
Love for Stephen King Films
01:34:42
Speaker
much. As much as we fucking... We make fun of like everything we love, and I love that. i don't I just don't care. i mean, I understand its flaws. I know. yeah' There's something about these old Stephen King movies. They have like a charm to them. The way they're filmed and just... The cinematography looks like real kind of cloudy almost. yeah There's like a haze to it.
01:35:07
Speaker
And like... It seems like, I know, you know, a lot of his movies, they all vibe from, like, these smaller kind of towns or whatever, but they always seem to have a huge, you know, it's a huge mis what Midwestern feel. Like, I always feel like these could be taking place, like, here in Ohio or some shit. You know what I'm saying? Especially this one. Yeah, definitely this one. And I don't know if it's because just watching them when I was a kid and just being around...
01:35:37
Speaker
growing up in areas that really matched up to a lot of the towns and stuff that he would have in the movies that, you know, would be coming out and stuff. So I don't know. I think that's part of the charm too.
01:35:51
Speaker
Well, and this genuinely creeped me out as a kid. I mean, cause I lived, I lived out in a country where it was, there was porn everywhere. Made you scared of people more than monsters. Yeah.
01:36:03
Speaker
you know like I'll tell you, I don't know if you have a similar experience, but the thing that, because I used to ride my bike around a lot with my brothers when I was little out out on the back country roads and shit.
01:36:17
Speaker
And the one thing we always had to worry about more than anything were fucking dogs. yeah People's fucking dogs that got loose. Yeah, because you're out in the middle of nowhere and they just let their dogs run and stuff.
01:36:29
Speaker
Yeah. And they would fucking go after you. I mean, wild animals won't attack you most of the time. They're fucking scared of you. But a domesticated dog that gets out, that gets loose, is a problem. Mm-hmm.
01:36:43
Speaker
They will fuck you up. My brother got fucked up by one. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we always had to worry about. You had to get ready to pedal your ass off. Yeah.
01:36:56
Speaker
They'll get you, bro. Huh? I said, they'll fucking get you. Fuck yeah, they will. wouldn't be able to outrun Duke on a bike if I fucking tried, There's no fucking way in hell.
01:37:09
Speaker
Yeah. You got me by the balls on a heartbeat. Nipping at your feet. you Nowadays, if I was a kid, I'd have to have some bear spray with me. That dog's going to chase me, but he's not going to like it. He ain't happy. He going to like
Country Fears and 'Major Payne'
01:37:25
Speaker
it. Like a fucking, um, what's that other Damon Wayans movie, uh, where he shoots the fucking monster in the closet. He goes, if there's a monster in there, he ain't happy. Oh, uh, major pain, major pain. That movie is fucking amazing. It's fucking unloads.
01:37:45
Speaker
It's like, there's a monster in my closet. And he just unloads his gun into the closet. It did a monster in there. He ain't happy. but ah yeah fucking awesome ah oh shit it's anyway I'll stop yapping that was our documentary on on corn living in the country we all out here in the country
01:38:18
Speaker
The incredible movie. um If you haven't seen this, then go watch it. Absolutely. um Make yourself some popcorn.
Corn Eating and Thanksgiving
01:38:29
Speaker
Oh, it's on Tubi. It is. It's awesome. You can go make yourself some popcorn or some cream corn or some cornbread some corn on the cob or some corn.
01:38:41
Speaker
Yeah. Some frozen corn right out the can.
01:38:48
Speaker
You could get you say some of them little corn or holders.
01:38:53
Speaker
Cornhole your wife. Or your husband. ah You could get you some little corn holders and dip that corn, roll that corn in some butter.
01:39:05
Speaker
Unless you like the butter. then you did a night It is Thanksgiving today. It is. It is. a So happy Thanksgiving. We're bringing corn to the table. eat' Eat all that corn. eat all that coin oh Cornhole your wife. don't corn hold you Don't cornhole your kids. You sick bastards.
Listener Interaction and Sign Off
01:39:28
Speaker
ah ah oh shit You can email us at deadnotespodcast at gmail.com. yes suggestions, comments, hate, whatever. Send us something. ah so Send us pictures of you and corn. yeah Do you use corn hoarders or do you not? Do you go Rambo with your corn or do you use corn hoarders?
01:39:57
Speaker
yeah do you Do you eat corn like a plebeian? or Are you a butter beast? yeah No. Or do you just like do you like Kool-Aid? Do you just like Kool-Aid?
01:40:10
Speaker
Do you just like getting a Kool-Aid mustache and rubbing your Kool-Aid covered lips? i'll ah See how far down on the corn cob you can get that red ring? Yeah.
01:40:22
Speaker
ah Making some fucking hood ass fun dip with your licking sticks. Eat that corn the long way. Down the road, not across the street.
01:40:35
Speaker
Yep. See if you can get that Kool-Aid lips, them Kool-Aid lips all the way down that.
01:40:45
Speaker
I don't know. Sorry. Sorry for the. If you like crunchy Kool-Aid, email it email us. and fanny pan and fannie sticks yeah Send us your fanny packs.
01:41:01
Speaker
And we apologize for the degeneracy. ah But blame it on the boomers. i Blame it on the boomers. We didn't do shit.
01:41:14
Speaker
we didn We didn't do nothing. We got good music.
01:41:19
Speaker
But till next time. Bye, everybody. Bye-bye.