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EP. 91 Fatman (2020)
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
I want to play football. Have you seen my dick? been looking for it.
00:00:07
Speaker
Sir, I'm going to rub one out right here on your counter.
00:00:11
Speaker
We cut to Mike, who delivers meat on his bicycle.
00:00:16
Speaker
I'm rinsing your girl out, bud.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, my name is Nick, and I have shaft hair.
00:00:27
Speaker
Call me Odell Beckham Senior, cause I'm dad.
00:00:34
Speaker
want me lick your bedpan, you filthy skunk?
00:00:40
Speaker
We're just joking. Hey, everything's jokes.
00:00:47
Speaker
Two girls, one cup? No. Two guys, one screen? Yes.
Introduction and Overview of 'Fat Man'
00:00:53
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 91. What is it now? I think it's 91. Where are we?
00:00:59
Speaker
Two guys, one screen. We're here continuing December chris Christmas theme movie month.
00:01:11
Speaker
ku ima It looks like it got banged big. You fucked your shit a little bit. No, I didn't. it looks good. just It's just a fucking mess right now. it's just the way it's laying. Yeah, it's just laying. It's not laying right.
00:01:22
Speaker
I'm debating getting mine cut before I come see you, so I'm cut for you. Yeah, I know. I'm going cut it for you. Yeah, I know what you funny i mean. Don't cut it for me, though. Nah, I'll give you circumcision. If anybody wants a circumcision out there, hit us up.
00:01:36
Speaker
yeah I don't know what I'm doing, I'll try. Well, we're here to review Fat Man, and Gerald's not happy about it. it's Guys? No, you're wrong. i'm I don't think I'm wrong. It was great.
00:01:48
Speaker
I don't... What part? The last 15? I stand by this movie big. did So this came out came out in 2020. Yeah, it did.
00:02:00
Speaker
Was this... Was this a theater watch for you? like No. No, but I do remember... I can tell you... I remember the day the trailer came out and I watched it. I was like, yeah, I'm watching that.
00:02:12
Speaker
Yeah. want to see this. Old-ass Mel Gibson. want see cock.
00:02:18
Speaker
Okay. I want to see what? why can't i I can't want to see somebody's cock? No, you can, but I'd rather see Walton Goggins. That dude's fucking unhinged. And like almost every role he plays, he's like a psychopath.
00:02:31
Speaker
Yeah, maybe he just unhinged for real. Well, that I mean, if i if i hit my hairline looked like that, I'd be pretty tight too. He looks wild in just about every movie he's in. Should we do a Plug It In first?
00:02:44
Speaker
Most likely. Plug it him plug in. So follow us on Instagram, TwoGuysOneScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to TwoGuysOneScreenPod at gmail.com. Follow us on YouTube, TikTok. Follow us individually on Letterboxd. Send us a voicemail, 508-8-5-5-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8
Mel Gibson's Controversies and Career Longevity
00:03:04
Speaker
dip tip six minute limit twelve person maximum as tom mouth please yeah and go listen to our physical media podcast yeah you want it you fucking want it or not
00:03:18
Speaker
We're still waiting on an answer. We don't know. And we said that we said you're not getting one until we're waiting. We're waiting when you're like on hold of the entity. Yeah, we said you you're not getting one. But like, unfortunately, you might get one.
00:03:34
Speaker
and When you say get one, what does that mean? Like a dick down? ah Yeah, you want it.
00:03:43
Speaker
I mean, not this month. Not this month. You'll get one next month, though. What month are we in? December. When they're listening to this, it's December, but we're recording this in October. We're in the middle of horror month.
00:03:54
Speaker
Yeah, we are. And technically, as of today, our most censored episode is going to come out in tomorrow. Oh, really? Fly. Yeah, the fly comes out tomorrow. It's our most censored yet. Yeah, what are you sucking on over there, by the way?
00:04:07
Speaker
I got a cough drop. Are you a little sick? No, my throat my throat is a little dry. Are you gay? Potentially, yeah. Potentially gay. Yeah. Well, anyways.
00:04:19
Speaker
You better watch out. You better not cry.
Social Media and Listener Engagement
00:04:22
Speaker
Better not pout. Is there any movie we did last year for the pod, better watch out? Yeah. Okay. It's a good movie. Yeah, I mean, I don't – we'll get into it.
00:04:31
Speaker
um We was came out in 2020. This is substantially post-Chris Benoit, substantially post-9-11. But mid-COVID. But by Chris Benoit is coming back.
00:04:44
Speaker
Yeah, he is. I saw debut in AEW. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he beat the shit out of Stephen Hawking. Yeah, he did. but Yeah. Yo, you see that Martin Luther King promo on Raw last night? I did see that AI one. I just didn't listen to i to the volume up. He's like, he's like ah I used to have a dream. Now, I am the dream. He just drops the mic. yeah This movie is directed by two people.
00:05:13
Speaker
The Nelms brothers, Ian and Esham. Well, Ian looks like a Jew. Big. Esham.
Debate on Mel Gibson's Filmography
00:05:23
Speaker
Eshom looks like a Jew, too.
00:05:25
Speaker
Yeah, he kind of looks... He looks very familiar, actually. ian Actually, Ian looks like Jeffrey Epstein. You think so? little bit. He got a unibrow big. Yeah, maybe a little bit.
00:05:38
Speaker
Release the files. Release them. Where they at? Here's your here's your cast. We got Mel Gibson, who plays Chris. Crass. You know, it's Mel Gibson.
00:05:49
Speaker
I mean... Yeah, he's in good movies. Some good movies, some bad movies. Like Signs, bad movie. That's hot. Chicken Run, bad movie. You don't like Chicken Run? I'm just saying because I know you like it. You're fucking wrong.
00:06:04
Speaker
Chicken Run's good. Have you seen it? Yeah, I've seen Chicken Run and it is good. I just know you like that movie, so i was shitting on it. You said it was bad, but you like it? It was a joke that it's bad.
00:06:14
Speaker
Mel Gibson's in Casper? I don't remember. He's not the dad. I'll tell you that much. What did Mel Gibson do that's wrong again? What did he do? to get You guys said the N-word? You just said the N-word or he's like anti-Semitic.
00:06:27
Speaker
Mel Gibson cancellation.
00:06:32
Speaker
A timeline of Mel Gibson controversies over the years from Business Insider. Let's go into this one. All right. I like that. No, I don't see. I don't know. I can't see it because have subscribe to his website. That's fucking stupid.
00:06:48
Speaker
You know, he made Passion of the Christ. Yeah, was he Christ? No, he directed it. How does Mel Gibson have a career? Okay, let's find out. Here we go. i'm gonna Well, he was in Braveheart.
00:06:59
Speaker
not do it He got arrested. What's wrong with Braveheart? No, I'm saying, like you said, how does he have a career? Probably Braveheart. Yeah, it's a great movie. He got arrested for a DUI in 2006, during which he unleashed an anti-Semitic rant. Well, guess what? He was drunk.
00:07:16
Speaker
i Tapes got released 2010 where Gibson screamed racist remarks, including the using the N-word as girlfriend, Oksana Grigori... That's what she gets for having that name.
00:07:30
Speaker
Yeah, i mean, maybe she just needs to shut the fuck up, you know? Yeah, stay in your fucking lane. Yeah. Yeah. pay my fucking child support bitch right close i' have ad popping up my screen like it's porn you don't have ad blocker uh she i guess i don't she later alleged that gibson was physically abusive um and i guess he's been routinely in trouble for homophobic comments so he just hates everybody yeah uh Well, he called somebody an oven dodger. That's a big no-no. rat little Oven dodger? But also, low-key, in context, maybe kind of funny.
00:08:08
Speaker
Be like, hey, yo, you dodged that oven, bro. You survived. Yo, good for you. You know i mean? You weren't made into a shepherd's pie. Yeah, you weren't being served at Miss Muffet's fucking shop.
00:08:19
Speaker
Yeah. What was her name? Mrs. Lovett. Lovett? I said Muvet. It's what it is. Like, little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet. He got fired for racist tweets?
00:08:32
Speaker
What are these tweets?
00:08:36
Speaker
What is he saying?
Review of 'Fat Man' Characters and Plot
00:08:38
Speaker
So he really hates everybody that's not white and Christian. He's all for... Yeah.
00:08:45
Speaker
I mean, he is making the resurrection of Christ, though.
00:08:53
Speaker
Oh, this tweet's crazy.
00:08:56
Speaker
ah So he's not a good person. It was a weird photo. So she looked very light skinned and had these different weird tattoos. They showcased her and I guess this woman was robbing people. That's what he said? Yeah, that's what he said.
00:09:12
Speaker
Do better, Mel.
00:09:17
Speaker
Well, anyway, that's all based on Variety.com. So if you guys have a problem, go sue Variety, not me. And unfortunately, he was born in Peekskill, New York. God damn, that's so close. Is it that? Where is Peekskill located?
00:09:29
Speaker
It's like, uh... How far is it from Poe Town? Like 30 minutes. That's pretty close. Yeah. All right, well, I mean, um I'm on Casper. Are we fucking Mel Gibson? Probably not.
00:09:42
Speaker
No, he's kind of ugly. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Next, we got Walton Goggins. We did... He's in, I'm sorry, House of a Thousand Corpses. Go listen to that episode. We did a good job.
00:09:59
Speaker
It's out? Yeah, like my cock. Just my cock here.
00:10:06
Speaker
He's in the Bourne... Something. I can't read the bottom word. The Bourne Identity. Identity. Good movie, by the way, if you've even seen it. That's the OG, right? gave it a three. Never mind.
00:10:17
Speaker
Yeah. It's in Lincoln. That movie's hard to get through. Blinken? Yeah. I mean, i've seen can only it's got to be boring until the fucking till it goes down, right? Yeah, I mean, they don't even show it going down. oh come on. You got to show going down.
00:10:34
Speaker
want to see Abe Lincoln's fucking blood spatter against the fucking theater. were the so i'm talking about shout out John Book's booth.
00:10:45
Speaker
Alright, so... Gotta cut that one. Yeah, I mean, yeah, definitely. rat well We're probably not fucking this guy either. Maybe for the clout. don't think I'm fucking anybody in this movie. He ain't fucking it.
00:10:56
Speaker
No. Marianne Jean-Baptiste, who plays Ruth. She's a nah, mean... cheapen a whole lot of nothing that's bullshit you need to watch edge of tomorrow it's a great movie edge of tomorrow yeah tom cruise i don't want to fucking watch it but it's tom cruise and it's got your bitch emily blunt bro you love emily blunt bro he he looks like like punisher mixed with like master chief in this picture it's a good movie solid film uh
00:11:28
Speaker
Yeah, she plays Ruth, Mrs. Claus, whatever. Then we got Chance Hertzfield, who plays Billy Weenan. This guy looks like Ben Shapiro as a kid. Yeah, little bit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah right? Not even a little bit. A lot of bit. A lot of big Ben Shapiro vibes. Oh, he was in Good Boys. Never saw that.
00:11:47
Speaker
I don't think I'm fucking this kid either. He's in Paw Patrol. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. I don't think he has his age here, but I'm just going skip it. ah I don't know who Sandy is in this movie.
00:12:00
Speaker
Oh, Sandy's the bartender. Bitch named Sandy walks into the candy. Bitch named Sandy. That's like a, that's a gravy song at some point. huh um And Sandy's played by Suzanne Suchy.
00:12:14
Speaker
Oh my God. Snitsky. Shout out Gene. It wasn't his fault. his fault. She was in read it and weep. I remember that movie. remember that movie. Is that like a Disney Channel movie? Yeah, it was.
00:12:26
Speaker
Interesting. i'm not fucking this bartender, but I know somebody who was. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Everyone?
00:12:37
Speaker
She wants to fuck everyone, though. She's a slut. Yeah, she's a bit of a slut. Next, we got Deborah Grover, who plays Anne-Marie, the grandma. This is just a not fucking it. He ain't fucking it. He also skipped two people.
00:12:56
Speaker
Yeah, Robert robert Block. Box stale. Yeah, I got a stale cock. Yo, he's in the Scream Team. If you haven't seen Scream Team, go watch it. Disney Channel original What the fuck is a Scream Team?
00:13:08
Speaker
Disney Channel movie. Shit's good. Yeah, you probably like that shit and to Fat Man. i don't get it. What? Oh, it's Kat Denning. She's a piece. love her box.
00:13:19
Speaker
i haven't I haven't seen the Scream Team. This looks like ass. I mean, you can't eat her box in that movie. We got Michael Dyson. Shout out Vacuums. Who plays Herman.
00:13:34
Speaker
Big sucking vibes. He's real good. He's he's Herman. He's in a movie called Dick. And speaking of Dick, we got Ellison Greer Butler, Christine Crawford.
00:13:50
Speaker
i don't think she's of age for sure. So we have to keep our mouths shut. And then we'll probably just end with with the next guy Eric wolf who got a ball hit big Yeah, you play seven. you see He was an it Yeah, I don't know it too. Never mind who gives a fuck we be we don't talk about it too Who's ass well now? I'm just curious on who he is Fuck's his name.
00:14:16
Speaker
I forgot. I'm looking for his ball. Hey Eric wolf Wolfie wolfie Wow, he's below Stephen King. You know that guy only had a fucking... Cameo. Cameo?
00:14:33
Speaker
He's deep. He's the nurse. Eric Wolfie. Nurse. I've only seen that movie once, so... I've only seen it once, and it was in the theater.
00:14:44
Speaker
But they kill a kid in the beginning, because...
00:14:49
Speaker
I don't know. What's what what's up with Walton Goggins trying to like fuck his hamster or something in this entire movie? Big hamster guy. I kept writing gerbil. I guess was a hamster. Well, just think of Eminem, right?
00:14:59
Speaker
and when he goes to the When he goes to the pet store, he's like, he's like you you're not a hamster guy. And he's like, yeah, I am. Yeah. I was like, I guess it's a hamster. been writing gerbil. But he he he does want to fuck his gerbil. Yeah. he's like that She's like...
00:15:14
Speaker
I can tell. You're snake worked here a while. He's like... Yeah, like snakes. He's like, yeah, well, my mama also told me. I forget what he said. Basically, shut the fuck up. He said that she reminded him of his mama because his mama never knew when to shut the fuck up.
00:15:29
Speaker
Yeah, that. ah Well, if you're new to this podcast, where we do a scene-by-scene, which we're going to do right now. and Strap on, stick a gerbil up your ass, whatever you need to do.
00:15:43
Speaker
Santa Claus isn't real, but get ready. He's not real, but if you're 14 and you're me, you probably think he is. i mean, the kid in this movie's got to be 14, right? He's got to be fuckable, right? No. Definitely not that. He's least 11, 12. He's a little... He's mature. He's like the kid from Better Watch Out, dude. I'm telling you.
00:16:06
Speaker
A little bit, but...
00:16:10
Speaker
I want to kick this kid in the shin. want to kick the kid from Better Watch Out in shin too. Yeah, but he's just trying to get some post. This kid is just... This kid's trying to commit murder.
00:16:21
Speaker
And that kid does commit murder in Better Watch Out. No, he does, yeah. He does commit murder. It's got to be murder. Yeah, but this guy hires a hitman. He hires Walton Goggins. That's where he went wrong, bro. Yeah, yeah. You should have called fucking Keanu.
00:16:34
Speaker
That's what I'm saying. Okay, so I will say, I thought going... I don't know what I expected going into this movie. Yeah. I thought it was going to be like maybe like some John Wick clone, because those are like all over the place nowadays.
00:16:48
Speaker
oh yeah It's not that. It is an hour and 20 minutes-ish of planning, and then about 15 minutes of Walton Goggins shooting elves and Military and Santa.
00:17:10
Speaker
I mean, thanks for the plot synopsis. You got it. That's what I'm here for. All right, so we're going to go into the scene by scene, and we see his little boy, Billy. Not Billy from Saw.
00:17:21
Speaker
Unfortunate. And not Billy the Puppet. That's a sick Yeah. and he's writing a He's writing a Christmas list. for Santa, and he he's won Best... do you call Best in Show? He's not a fucking horse.
00:17:37
Speaker
It's a science fair. it first place? Yeah, just get first place. Best in Show? Like, yo, this this gets peace big for his age, you know what mean?
00:17:49
Speaker
So, this fucking little bitch, Billy... He radios to Regina, who's like a maid, a servant, that he's leaving. And she needs to have his science fair project ready.
00:18:01
Speaker
And we get the title card.
Santa's Financial Struggles and Government Deal
00:18:04
Speaker
um And on Billy's way out, his grandmother stops him and tells Billy's father won't be around for Christmas. Because he's getting fucking sloppy top in the Bahamas.
00:18:13
Speaker
It's just what? Why be around your little bitch son if you can go get fucking topped off in the Bahamas? That's what I'm saying. So... It was never fully disclosed, but like, does he live with dad and grandma or just grandma?
00:18:30
Speaker
I think he lives with dad and grandma and dad just doesn't really care about him. Dad's like rich and like doing whatever dad does. And then he's just taking care of grandma, but he don't take care of grandma. He got a little fucking bad little Hispanic bit taking care of grandma. She's not bad, but like he's fucking Bill Cosby being his grandma.
00:18:48
Speaker
Yeah, with fentanyl. Yeah, when he said fentanyl at the end, I was like, what the fuck, it's fentanyl? was like, whoa. By the way, his grandma, old as fuck, she in a wheelchair, she got oxygen tank.
00:19:00
Speaker
At the beginning, I was like, yo, this is like big Tobey Maguire. At first, I was like, he kind of acts like Tobey Maguire. In what movie? Spider-Man, like the awkwardness when he's talking to grandma. Yeah.
00:19:12
Speaker
He's like all awkward. And then like he like turns around and then he's like... You know what I mean? Like that sound effect. ah billie goes oh She asked Billy for a glass of milk, and then Billy goes downstairs and tells Regina to mail his letter to Santa. Beats glass? Oh.
00:19:30
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. She beats it with glass? Just got to charge a glass in your hand jerking your meat? Beats into glass into a glass, and then that's her milk. I mean, that's that's a lot of semen.
00:19:43
Speaker
You're young kid. Yeah, you're right. He's a spry chicken. got a lot of seed left. He built up. Yeah. Built up with that best-in-show piece. he invested Four years in running and then he got beat by a trans. Hey, he's fucking progressive.
00:20:02
Speaker
ah So he, yeah but bit bit bit he tells Virginia to give a mail as a letter to Santa. And he says that grandma wants a glass of milk.
00:20:14
Speaker
And we cut to these beer cans lined on a fence. And we meet, I mean, his name is Chris, but just wrote Santa every time. Because he is He is Santa.
00:20:24
Speaker
He is Senior Kringle. So he's just shooting these cans. And we meet Mrs. Claus, a.k.a. Ruth. A.k.a. Na Mean, a.k.a.
00:20:36
Speaker
um She's a Na Mean, a.k.a. Harry, because she's a Brit. she's Na Harry. She's a Na Harry. shi a nah harry Hey, Santa, you want to give me a right good stuffing in me twat?
00:20:50
Speaker
it's just Just like most NAMIs, throw a little light on the finances right now. Yeah, they're struggling big. they're struggling I mean, what what can you say when even fucking Santa Claus is struggling to pay the fucking bills financially? Then what do what do we do? What do we do? I'm giving this this movie like big credit ah for like making a very...
00:21:14
Speaker
It's very interesting story. Like, it's very different. You know I mean? Yeah, yeah. Stan is literally just a dude. I mean, he's got magical powers, don't get me wrong, but... He's fat and jolly for a reason, make no mistake. That's what he said in movie.
00:21:27
Speaker
But, like, you know how we always talk about, like, the whole Santa Claus mythology is just like some giant hoax by the government? Yeah, it is. It literally is. It literally is, bro.
00:21:41
Speaker
They pay him. ah but He down bad. He's down real bad. and All the kids are naughty. Mrs. Claus is like, I'll have to go out and suck some cocks. Yeah.
00:21:54
Speaker
I'm going have to go out. Go ahead. go ahead Hey, I'll have to go to Billy's Graham's house and steal her Fent. I'll be a Fent dealer. ah And even though they're in in financial crisis, Chris is like, going to go check, go into town tomorrow and check the mail. I'll do it tomorrow. Don't worry about it.
00:22:12
Speaker
Which is... ah So strange. Like this entire, I think, I don't know if I hate the movie or if the movie's just odd. It's odd, but I like it. It's very odd. I didn't like it.
00:22:25
Speaker
It's really strange. I I told you Santa's in Alaska? You just gotta go find him. But that's the thing. It's like, yo, like you, it's never alluded in this movie that Santa has magical powers until the very, very end.
00:22:39
Speaker
I mean, no, because when because when he gets shot, in the sleigh after the, like the first time he does the, not the, the only time he does Christmas. Yeah.
00:22:52
Speaker
When he comes back, they do, they throw it away. It's not explicit, but he's like, yeah, it'll heal like it always does. Well, yeah. After that throwaway, so they do this fucking stupid throwaway scene where like after he fucking rinses out Mrs. Claus, uh, they just show it to them laying in bed and he has like all these like heals, like healing scars on himself. Yeah.
00:23:12
Speaker
Yeah. That's like, they don't be like, Oh, you're a magical being, but he is fucking Santa. He is Santa. and and mean, he did. I mean, to be fair, did deliver all these presents across the earth. the night Is it the earth or is it just United States?
00:23:27
Speaker
No, it's the earth. Okay, but he just but he's just i contracted out through the United States. in Yeah, he's contracted the American government. Yeah. Right. Because America's number one.
00:23:40
Speaker
that' youre Right. I mean, it would like if he was if he was located like in in like china it'd be weird Well, yeah. Yeah. You know i mean? Yeah. Because it'd like communist Santa. you know because that Yeah, because then they'd all just be making chopsticks.
00:23:58
Speaker
Be like, I know we're afraid of the the reds, but damn. yeah Yeah, right. I mean, that little red book in my pocket isn't the communist book. It's the Nord Nice List. Right. Actually, it's Mein Kampf, but besides the point.
00:24:14
Speaker
you can buy it on Amazon. Yeah, and it's like, hey, you fucking know why you got coal, right? Yeah. ah You better watch a midget porn, you freak.
00:24:25
Speaker
which who
00:24:29
Speaker
It's just like when he does that thing in movie where he's like, Carter, rough here for you, huh? And he's like, I know you're watching midget porn. I know you did. yeah Cut that shit out.
00:24:41
Speaker
um So anyways, we cut to this fucking big fat guy. His name is Donald. He's in the movie for about three seconds. And he gets let into this building. And we cut to this room where we meet Walton Goggins character. ah i just. ah Oh, that was gross. Oh, I burped up.
00:24:59
Speaker
What you have to eat? What you eat? Chipotle. Oh, um yeah. It was good. i liked it. Yeah. I've been eating. ate chili for lunch again because I made like way too much. Yeah, it's fair.
00:25:11
Speaker
and i have heartburn. You have a cornbread? No. Yeah, it's fair. I don't really like cornbread. It kind of like... Yeah, we know why you don't like cornbread. rubb just It's not why. but yeah is ah i don't hate cornbread. It's got to be made correctly. Here's the thing, though. I feel like the problem with cornbread is like if you grew up on it and it was like sweet, right? Like you like sweet cornbread. Then you have it and it's not sweet. you're Like, what the fuck is this? Because like you can have cornbread both ways.
00:25:46
Speaker
Sure. Theoretically. Is it normal to put vanilla extract in cornbread?
00:25:54
Speaker
quite see it like the corn brand yeah yeah I don't know. i don't know because i don't really make i don't do a lot of baking. Right. Because when I've had homemade cornbread, that shit slap when you put vanilla egg extract.
00:26:09
Speaker
little extract Yeah, extract. I had cornbread once. the guy The person who made it I don't remember who it was, but they put actual corn kernels in the cornbread. See, now you can go fuck yourself because now I'm not enjoying myself. Yeah, because then I'm going see that on the way out.
00:26:23
Speaker
Right, like the whole point is like I need my corn meal to make the corn bread. I don't need corn corn. Yeah, in the corn bread. That's kind of weird. Right. um I'm a biscuit guy.
00:26:36
Speaker
Like cornbread, what do you do? Like Thanksgiving? Is that really a cornbread thing? Hanukkah? Oh, did you cornbread? Kwanzaa. So I meant Kwanzaa. Yeah, right. Hey, Jamal, pass the corn boy it.
00:26:52
Speaker
It's like you're in New Orleans. Yeah. ah Let me suck that fucking prawn hand. And you go get, suck on it, you know?
00:27:06
Speaker
and And they're like, everybody down there's like, that's the best part. It's just like, I don't. Why didn't we make that joke in Scooby-Doo? I don't know. They were going fucking ham on them things.
00:27:17
Speaker
They were. Yeah, I don't know. It just happened. now pro hit boy I mean, I could maybe I could just cut this out and put it in the Scooby-Doo episode. I don't know. be too late Got a fat pussy. for dude I literally follow the car home today. Like for most of the drive on the highway license plate was Scooby.
00:27:38
Speaker
That's fire. Were they in a Subie? No, they were in a minivan. They were like a ho the Odyssey type beat. Oh, big mom vibes. Yeah, I got cat hair on my nose. um from sucking this microphone is why so anyways he walks in this fucking room we meet Walton Goggins and he he has this bat that he's trying to sell and all the gifts and all the gifts in this world have a plaque I'm going say like made by Santa or something like that and apparently it's like a hot come on this guy's like big triggered this guy's big triggered by Santa and has an obsession with Santa you didn't give me what I wanted you only got me one thing
00:28:16
Speaker
I don't know why I'm giving Walton God. I mean, he kind of got. He kind of got that. I don't know want know what his accent or his impression would be yet. um So this dude doesn't want to sell his bat, but, you know, he's trying to send his little girl a space camp. So he's looking for 2K.
00:28:34
Speaker
And Walton's like, I'll give you $900. You can fuck right off. And then ah he comes away with the dude's bat. Yeah, he just takes it snags his bat. And he puts in this room where he has a bunch of other... I mean, I guess he probably views them as like artifacts. Like fucking Santa fucking artifacts. Yeah, like Santa made... The little elf boys?
00:28:54
Speaker
Like the nubile slave boys? They made this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Little sweatshop motherfuckers. They made them. You know what I mean? They literally bring up sweatshops in this do, that's what I'm saying. It's okay. Fucking wild.
00:29:09
Speaker
ah We cut to Billy, who is showing off his science fair project, but we find out this girl Christine won first place, and Billy is heated.
Billy's Dark Plot and Character Analysis
00:29:18
Speaker
And Billy tries to say there must be a mistake, but they throw him in this picture with her, and he's pissed.
00:29:24
Speaker
And he's in the car with Roger, a how and he's like, get at me in contact with our friend. And we cut to Walton. He's in this this a dark house eating cheese out of a fridge.
00:29:39
Speaker
You straight up like block of cheese, but it's in a sandwich bag. Right. it's like pre-8? Yeah. And this isn't his cheese. Somebody else's cheese.
00:29:50
Speaker
This is somebody else's pre-8 cheese. If Saul walks up to me and starts eating my cheese. yeah It's like, hey, slow we just met. Slow it down. Slow down. Like, i get it. You want me to be clean down there, but like, whoa. Yeah, but you shouldn't be inhaling all that like that. No. Get sick.
00:30:05
Speaker
Get sick from my fucking cheese. Yeah. You know what mean? This couple, yeah, but it's moldy. Got some moldy cheese. Got some moldy fucking cheese, yo. It smells like Gouda.
00:30:16
Speaker
Yeah, straight up. i There's this fucking couple sleeping in their bed, and he's about to shoot them in the head, and he gets a phone call from ah Billy, and he kills this couple, whatever the fuck they did wrong, and then... ah He asks this caller for a name and how much, and he accepts this deal. We cut to Santa Chris driving into town listening to a Christmas song, and he changes the radio to is radio host talking about Santa's really making a distance a difference. A distance? A difference.
00:30:56
Speaker
yeah sat and Santa's distancing himself from Gookids. I want that naughty ball. they aren Yeah, he does. He he wants to get eye fucked.
00:31:09
Speaker
just That's true. fucking eyeho At the very end, yeah. big Big. but Big eyeball fucker here. Yeah, I mean, Santa's a confirmed eyeball fucker or fuck-ee, I guess. He's a fuck-ee because he's getting fucked.
00:31:22
Speaker
I mean, he could do the fucking, right? You just stick the penis and then he starts like head-butting you. He's like...
00:31:30
Speaker
You know what I'm trying to say? Yeah. going to get that shadow Chris Benoit though. You're going to get that CTE from all them headbutts. Yeah. Yeah, he is. You think Chris Benoit was a good boy?
00:31:41
Speaker
i don't think Chris Benoit got any gifts. 2006 he did. 2007 probably not. Chris Benoit went off because he didn't get any fucking Christmas gifts. He only got his coal. He just fucking killed his family. Maybe, yeah. I'm sick of it. i was literally Googling Chris Benoit shirts. I want one.
00:31:57
Speaker
Yeah, it's funny. i've hard to find really hard to find for some reason just want to support my favorite wrestler i like even to like into that like today you could be like yeah it's a ah it's a vintage shirt yeah good right dude I got it at the thrift store I thrifted this yeah I thrifted it so don't at me Chris Benoit with a crazy fucking face particular like this just like what yeah bro it's upsetting that Jake can't get pole in spring it really is so good
00:32:29
Speaker
Also, I read parents can't get it either. Huh? My parents can't get it either. Yeah, I was reading an article, right? From the Today, like, whatever. Like, the Today Show? Like, Matt Lauer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah Top 10, like, or top 17, like, water brands?
00:32:45
Speaker
Yeah. Poland Springs only number 10. What do they have it number 1? Some bougie shit in, like, a glass bottle that no one's buying. Okay. Yeah, I mean, Poland Springs in my heart's number 1.
00:32:57
Speaker
That's what I said, but to be even in the thing it said that like oh, maybe he's biased that Poland Springs good because he's from New York. and I'm like Paul's being tasked. I fuck love pulled spring.
00:33:09
Speaker
He's like it kind of tastes plasticky. I'm like, that's the charm.
00:33:15
Speaker
I don't think so. Does it? I don't i don't think so. It's like water. So I'm the best water. Maybe not the best top three. It's my best water.
00:33:27
Speaker
Number one is Essentia. Don't at me. I won't. um So, yeah, there's radio guys talking about these these kids setting people on fire and dropping a bowling ball off a bridge into, like, traffic.
00:33:43
Speaker
um And then we cut to Santa arriving at the North Pole, or he drives by the North Pole sign. The population is like four people or whatever it is. And he goes to the post office and they talk to the postman about like all this chaos. And he picks up like two crates worth of mail because all their letters go there for Santa.
00:34:05
Speaker
Yeah. And he goes to this bar and the bartender Sandy walks over and ah she was talking to this dude who's like right next sitting right next to Chris and they're like flirting.
00:34:17
Speaker
Um, and she goes in the back to get some more alcohol or whatever. And Chris moves over and he's just staring this guy, Mike in the eyes. He's like, Hey Mike. He's like, Hey, I know you got a family, Mike.
00:34:30
Speaker
I've never been watching midget porn. Yeah. what you like Why don't you like, it's a 12 hour drive. Yeah. right Go back home. Fuck your wife. How's Nicole and the kids? Yeah. Maybe you should fucking straighten up a little bit. Yeah. Stuff going after my girl, Sandy. And he's like, and he's like, who are you? He's like, I'm buying you a beer and you will fucking leave.
00:34:47
Speaker
Yeah, get the fuck out of here. know you're a little freak. Your 15th birthday, you want fucking fleshlight for Christmas? i ain't giving you that. Oh.
00:34:59
Speaker
Yeah. Fleshlight ingredients made by Santa's workshop? Can you imagine you're a parent, you're like that you're a dad, and your fucking kid is like 14, 15, they're writing fleshlight on their Christmas list, and they're like, Daddy, can you mail us to Santa? And it's like lube, fleshlight,
00:35:15
Speaker
To be fair, by 14, you should know that Santa's not real. Yeah, I mean, that's valid. You are just a rare breed. I am rare. I'm jealous. I'm not like judging you. I'm jealous.
00:35:26
Speaker
No, I'm just fucking Mahogman Youngman. That's just what it is. yeah No, you behave. That's a thing. Us other kids, we were snooping. I was obedient. I just got told what to do, you know? You stay in your room. Just fucking yes, daddy. You know what I mean? Yeah. um So he opens the check from the government. You don't see how much it is. And he takes a shot. And we cut back to Walton.
00:35:49
Speaker
who's calling ah this school that Billy goes to claiming to be a reporter for the Times. And and this is just just is just insane.
00:36:01
Speaker
No, I know. The security level at this school is non-existent. Yeah, I mean, he's a reporter for The Times, and he ran article on the school fair, and he wants to talk more with Christine. While he's talking to them, he's just fucking sucking off his gerbil. He's just fucking kicking it. He really is.
00:36:18
Speaker
And it's just like, no, you know, i don't know what year this movie takes place in, but it's like also at the same time that in ah in, I think it's Gremlins, you just give your fucking credit card your number over the phone. you know It is wild, right? here it is.
00:36:33
Speaker
Um, but yeah, no security. We cut to Billy who's bringing his grandma some milk, some milk. And, uh, grandma's freshly fucking splooged.
00:36:45
Speaker
Just dust. oh That's what he's putting back in her milk. Cause there are fucking dust.
Santa's Government Contract and Operations
00:36:50
Speaker
Yeah. It's like she's like, and he's just like, vacuums it up and puts it back in her drink.
00:36:57
Speaker
Uh, And he's she's doing some paperwork, whatever. And i don't know why she's doing paperwork. She's 98. But he puts the paperwork on her desk and pockets a couple or blank checks.
00:37:08
Speaker
And he leaves and he sends everyone home. And he forges a check to pay off Walton for the hit on Christine. He walks down to the basement with the check.
00:37:20
Speaker
And Walton's down there with Christine. This is kidnapping. Yeah. Kidnap. No torture. Potential torture. Potential torture with a car battery. Put that on my nuts. I like it.
00:37:31
Speaker
Shout out Kane and Shane. Shout out electrocution. i want it. Yeah. That's all I thought about. I was like, this is either Kane putting it on Shane McMahon's nutsack or it's GTA five.
00:37:44
Speaker
One of the two. You choose. And they say that, uh, they're going electrocute her. If she doesn't, uh, return her science fair project and admit that she cheated.
00:37:58
Speaker
How do cheat on a China affair project? That's how you cheat. You call the Chinese and get them to it for you. hello. I need a special lu Lulu to come and do my project.
00:38:10
Speaker
You know else could be very good at a science fair project? ah dada doto dot Oh, I do your science fair project for you. Here's my science... This is the decomposition of shit that is in the dirt. This is yeah this is how the water cycle works and we don't we can't study it because we can't drink the water.
00:38:31
Speaker
i lot My science fair project is big for the entire world. I created indoor plumbing. um We are still using the aqueducts like the Romans because we are so fucking...
00:38:44
Speaker
I don't even know how aqueduct works. Yeah, I think it's just the bridge. You put the water on it and it goes down the ramp. That's fucking crazy. And then you just fucking drink it or something. And then you go... Do you have any curry?
00:38:58
Speaker
Then they just bring out like Steph Curry jersey. Yeah. And it's like, oh, i was hungry, but okay. I guess I'm eating this black guy. I haven't fucking eaten in four days, but... ah So anyways, we cut back to...
00:39:15
Speaker
Santa, he pulls back up to his house and the feds are there. And he walks inside and his check was only for half. Isn't it crazy? Santa's got a driver's license. Yeah, he does. He's Chris.
00:39:27
Speaker
Yeah. Chris Kringle. Yeah. Yeah. Chris with the big stick to you. Yeah. Chris with big sack to me. Yeah. You never see his sack. Never see it. You never see it in his mother. and his mother His wife is like, oh, I got to stitch up your sack for you. And it's like, it never happens. I want to see Santa's sack. I just want to see it.
00:39:49
Speaker
Um, and the feds like you get paid based on how many presents you put out. So he's a prostitute for kids. If you put out, we pay you. And that's the bottom line because Chris Kringle said so. Because the feds said so, I guess because the American government specifically said so.
00:40:06
Speaker
Uh, and, uh, he's like, well, it's not my fault. All the kids are bad. i' making fun. I'm just giving them fucking coal. It's not my problem. Which, by the way, have you ever... this might sound fucking stupid. Have you ever seen Cole in person? Like, actual Cole?
00:40:21
Speaker
why Not not sharp charcoal? Then no. No. i know cool I think Cole's fake. It's gotta be, right? It's gotta to be fake. Also, I just wanna... The neighbor I used to have, there was two of them, and the younger sibling was ah was a ah male named Cole. Like, what kind of fucking name is Cole?
00:40:41
Speaker
Like Cole's spouse? Yeah, like Cole, yeah. yeah Dumb name. But C-O-L-E. Yeah. um So the government wants to ah buy services. They want to fucking slut him out, you know?
00:40:56
Speaker
Right. um And we cut back to Walton dropping off Christine and says that if she tells anybody, he's going to kill her mommy, her daddy, and her dog JoJo Beans.
00:41:10
Speaker
Dumbass, just kill the dog now. i mean i mean, this was supposed to be kind of funny, and it kind of was, but it wasn't like, ha! You know, like it wasn't just... wasn't That's the thing about this movie.
00:41:20
Speaker
Well, I think Walton Goggins is like the best part. ah We cut back to Ruth and Chris. They're sitting down at dinner table. And Santa says they're being bullied into this contract. And he's not ready to sign it yet.
00:41:34
Speaker
um And instead he starts calling his friends to try to do contracts for them. um But he can't compete because they got 12-year-olds in sweatshop. That's what he says. It's true. Is this when he calls Elon? He calls Elon. Yeah. Straight up.
00:41:49
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, Elon don't got shit, unfortunately. Be like, yo, just send me up in this rocket, dog. I'm done. I'm delivering fucking Christmas presents to Mars now. can shoot me in space, in space. You know mean?
00:42:02
Speaker
Yeah, I know what you mean. Be like, yo yo, Elon, I need a new model of sleigh. I need that Tesla sled. You know what mean? Right. Yo, Elon, I need a fucking cocksuck while in the sled, you know? yeah Yeah. You need a feature. You already look retarded. I'll fuck you retarded. Yeah.
00:42:18
Speaker
Elon Musk's an ugly dude. Yeah, he is. So anyway, we cut to Christmas Eve. It's ti it's the big night. And Billy takes some cookies off of Santa's plate. He's like, fuck you, Santa, I guess.
00:42:29
Speaker
um And we cut to, I guess, you know, all goes. And then Santa returns home on Christmas morning. And he's got a bullet hole in his fucking stomach. It looks a little gnarly.
00:42:42
Speaker
Yeah, it's a little gross. I mean, his eye looks horrible, but not like in a good way. Right. Yeah. Yeah, like it wasn't done well. And he goes and lays in bed with wife.
00:42:53
Speaker
ah And we cut to Billy waking up on a Christmas morning receiving coal. He's mad. Yeah. And he runs outside and screams he's going to get the fat man. Fat man, the name of this movie. Wow.
00:43:08
Speaker
um We cut to Walton who's on like a shooting range course, John. This man's like fucking FBI in it. He's like going through a gun range, like straight up shooting dudes in the face.
00:43:20
Speaker
i will say he looked a little goofy. Yeah. Big goofy. And the guy who's there says that Walton set a record. And Walton wants to run it again. And he's like, well, I kind of wanted to go see my grandkids. And Walton's like, I'm paying you, aren't I? you're gonna fucking stay here. Run it again.
00:43:39
Speaker
ah Billy calls Walton about the call that he received. And he wants him to kill Santa. ah We cut back to Santa on Christmas morning, calling the feds, being like, yep, I'm signing the contract.
00:43:51
Speaker
ah And then Mrs. Claus, Ruth, comes over and sits on his lap. He's like, hey, yo. But i he's got a... She notices this fucking bullet hole on his side.
00:44:03
Speaker
And Santa's kind of like, yeah, I'm done. No one's got no spirit anymore. He's like, we're fucking strapped financially. This is a failure. of The whole thing. Just put it away. Just gonna go off myself. Yeah.
00:44:14
Speaker
Yeah, you know. I mean, do you think if Santa was real and he tells little kids shaking their ass on TikTok, he'd be like, this is what i wanted you guys to do?
00:44:22
Speaker
Yeah, because he likes kids. Oh, I... yeah yeah Shake that ass, girl. Yeah. yeah Yeah. and you ever use You ever use that fucking fake-ass Santa tracker?
00:44:36
Speaker
No. Online? There was a Santa tracker online that you could, like, on Christmas Eve, you could, like, see where he was. No. i always wondered. I'd be like, oh, like, what if you lived there? And he wasn't there. I'd be pissed. Now what?
00:44:49
Speaker
I mean, I stopped believing it's Santa, like... right, I'm not saying i was using Santa Tracker 14. In your life, there was like a website that was a Santa Tracker, yeah. Still no.
00:45:02
Speaker
um We cut to ah Walton, who is just sitting in his fucking house looking up Kris Kringle. Just Google searching Kris Kringle address like it's going fucking work. Yeah, where does Santa live?
00:45:18
Speaker
um he calls an operator and asks for the closest address in the north pole and they decide like eureka i think it's called yeah show me your urethra i will that means you gotta like spread the little hole open you know what does freak me out is like when i'm peeing i look at my urethra open like to pee like release liquid like i don't like that no you're never like ah you ever watch yourself pee from the pee hole Yeah.
00:45:44
Speaker
But you never like just sit there and like go spread your little hole open a little bit. No, no, no, no, no. no no no no In your words, exit only. It looks smooth though. It's nice and smooth in there. What looks smooth? The inside of your pillow? Yeah. It's nice and like, if I rubbed it, I bet it would feel like heaven. I just... If rubbed it, bet it would feel like heaven. Hmm.
00:46:07
Speaker
Next time. You want to rub somebody's pee hole and get cum in your belly button. That's just what it is. Next time your like peen is out, just like spread it open a little bit. Look in there. I don't think I want to do that.
00:46:21
Speaker
It looks nice. All right. Well, I mean, yours might. Maybe mine doesn't. I still don't understand how the whole thing works of shooting out cum and shooting out
Cultural Traditions and Humorous Insights
00:46:29
Speaker
piss. Two different holes. No, I know, but like you got like a fucking, a fucking holster and your fucking ball sack. It like spins and you have a revolver.
00:46:39
Speaker
Like the actual, like, would your, your testicles. I'm asking you like the inner workings of your cock. Oh, so, so the testicles are where the semen's made, right? Yeah. I don't know. Like when you're stimulated, what makes it go?
00:46:53
Speaker
I mean, but you've got like two different wires running out to the same hole. Right. I mean, you can get electrocuted eventually, right? yeah Well, you got a positive and negative charge or something like that.
00:47:04
Speaker
That's magnets, I think, not what if you electricity. What if you go to pee, but you accidentally cum? so you're just like standing there at the yurtle and you just go, oh, yeah guys, like, I mean, got guy holding it for you. Gets a little confused. He's like, you need to fucking trim down here a little bit, bro. It's crazy. You're like, yo, i wasn't stroking yet. Yeah.
00:47:27
Speaker
Like yeah you can come soft. You can't come soft. You can come soft, which is kind of crazy. I have a couple times. Yeah. And it's always the best. It's the best come.
00:47:39
Speaker
The soft come. Hmm. um When he asked about the listing for Christopher Kringle, the operator hangs up. um And we cut and he goes he goes big, big, big howl. And he goes to jujitsu and he breaks this guy's arm. And he's like, yep, I broke it. And I know I broke it.
00:47:59
Speaker
He's big hype. And then he goes and orders a pecking duck. who you know Some people, specifically Jews, get Chinese food on Christmas. um Really?
00:48:11
Speaker
Yeah, it's like a tradition. ah Billy receives a package from his father in the Bahamas, and it's a teddy bear, and he throws that shit. I'd be mad, too. If my dad got me a teddy bear, be like, what the fuck is this, dad?
00:48:25
Speaker
be like, is there a hole I can stick it in there or not? like That's the only kind of bear I want. Yeah, me could cut one open. Why'd they fuck bear? Right.
00:48:36
Speaker
I want to fuck my bear, but not the goat. But if I fuck my goat, it's easy cleanup. I fuck got the goat, the sperm is in the goat, and we milk the goat, and it comes out later.
00:48:50
Speaker
We call this the sperm cycle. The sperm cycle? And then we drink the sperm milk, and then we fuck the goat again. You ever had goat milk? ive I had goat cheese today. Oh, yeah?
00:49:01
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I like goat cheese. Yeah, I wasn't happy about it. That you ate it? Because these fucking mahoi mignons at my job couldn't label the fucking container. and I was like, is this fucking feta or is this goat?
00:49:12
Speaker
Goat. Yeah, so I had to taste it and it was goat cheese. Oh, was crumble? It was crumbled goat. We have crumbled goat and crumbled feta. but right makes it makes sense the goat was crumbled we crumbled it we milk we jerked the goat we make the cheese churn the butter and we crumble the goat i did i don't know what i just said it makes no sense never once has something made less sense to me but made sense at the same time but you have to make sure you get no dirt in the goat to milk when you try to pick up the bucket of goat milk
00:49:45
Speaker
Right, because we don't have cement. And you cannot put your hands on a goat milk because likely you have poop on your hands. Yeah, but when I when i pull udder, it's okay.
00:49:59
Speaker
Yes. I mean, that udder is probably gross, right? I mean, I'm just fucking straight going for it. I'm like sucking on it. I mean, all that goat that goat that goat milk is all natural, not pasteurized, you know?
00:50:10
Speaker
Yeah, it's probably not healthy for you, huh? I mean, it's healthy for them. I don't know. um Yeah, but they shit where they eat. Yes.
00:50:22
Speaker
um So anyways, ah we come back to Walt and he's in his house and he has all these drawings, this big wall of like Santa Claus photos.
00:50:33
Speaker
And he has the only toy he ever got from Santa. It's a cop car. um And he sees a gif of Santa opening mail on his computer and he gets the idea to go to the post office.
Walton's Mission and Military Involvement
00:50:46
Speaker
And he asked this mail driver, he's like, where are letters to Santa go? And he's like, yeah, it's in bin 36. They just got a bin for it. It's just bin 36. I've always wondered that. That's a good question.
00:50:56
Speaker
I don't think your parents actually mail it I think they just keep it and buy your gifts. Oh, yeah. um If Santa's not real. But I never put it, I never like did it like that.
00:51:07
Speaker
How'd you do it? Tell me how you did it, daddy. Okay, so I'd write it on loose leaf. Oh, fucking loose leaf? And then I'd go to the mall. Oh my god, the fucking Galleria Mall? And I'd give it to Santa and then he'd probably fucking ate it or something, like threw it away. he probably fed it to his goats because you know goats will eat paper.
00:51:27
Speaker
yo If I ever saw a brown Santa, I'm running the other way. So he goes and talks to this fucking guy. I'm guessing we're supposed to assume he killed that driver because he goes to the post office. did He poses pulled his piece out.
00:51:40
Speaker
I didn't see it. Oh, he pulled his piece out, but it cut before he shot. um and he walked into the supervisor office and asked what the fat man's at.
00:51:51
Speaker
And I just – I find this hysterical. like Because I 1,000% acknowledge to every single listener and my co-host, the plot of this movie is fucking stupid.
00:52:03
Speaker
It's one of the dumbest movies probably ever. But I find this i find this so funny, the fact that he – fucking shoves his face into the desk. He has a gun to his head and he's aggressively yelling, where did the letters of Santa go? i mean, no, that's, I've watched the movie three times. It's fucking hilarious to me.
00:52:25
Speaker
Maybe, maybe, they maybe it's not a bad movie. Maybe I jumped to conclusion. I mean, it's bad. I'm not saying it's, I like it, but it's bad. It's very like someone was on something when they decided like this is a good idea. Who greenlit this? Paramount?
00:52:40
Speaker
Yeah, i mean we we asked this question about a lot of movies we review on this podcast. Human Centipede 2. ah Yeah. Yeah, a Serbian film. Fat Man. They have just called it Fat Cock. That'd be great.
00:52:53
Speaker
Yeah. um Or you could call it Fat Balls and it'd biopic about my life. Right. Long sack. Instead of long legs, it's long sack. Long sack.
00:53:05
Speaker
um So anyways, he has a supervisor right down a P.O. box address and he kills the supervisor. We cut to Santa who's working on his sleight because got fucking shot probably non-means.
00:53:17
Speaker
And we cut back to Walton who calls Billy and says he's going on the road. I like how Billy and his and his phone is just little shit. Yeah, little shit.
00:53:30
Speaker
And we should mention here that he has this little Assassin's Creed sword, John. That's exactly what I thought. i was like, oh my god, this guy's got a hidden blade, but in his leg. Yeah. and it's not ah it's not like a little one like Ezio or whatever had. It's like a big, it's a long John.
00:53:49
Speaker
It's a long John Silver on that button anymore. put her And it was Silver.
00:53:55
Speaker
Long John Silver. No way. Fucking darkest shit in your room. yeah i Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. The lights. It's just. Yep. Just what it is. Just what if it's going to be.
00:54:07
Speaker
We cut to ah Santa. A autograph to pants. Introducing this guy, Jacob, the lead guy the military to the elves, and he announces the nice the rising number of youth making bad decisions.
00:54:25
Speaker
yeah It's kind of accurate, right? I mean, yeah. i would We're not youth anymore, but are we making bad decisions? I make bad i make bad financial decisions. I mean, But I'm not breaking the law. I mean, no one's perfect, but I think everybody makes a bad decision at some point in their life.
00:54:42
Speaker
Right. You know? Like, not looking if there was an extra roll of toilet paper behind me before I started going to town on my asshole. Right? What is going to telling your asshole? Like, shitting or wiping?
00:54:54
Speaker
Wiping. Yeah. that's like You pull it and it's like, oh, last piece. Make it yeahll make it last. Yeah. um But they're fulfilling a two-month quota contract with the military to build um these control panels for jets.
00:55:10
Speaker
So basically... Basically. The elves... I want your seed. Right. The the elves are helping build military stuff.
00:55:23
Speaker
Yeah, control panels for jets. Yeah. Yeah. That's smart. It's weird. It's strange because now we're paying them to like help us kill other people.
00:55:39
Speaker
Right. But theoretically, those other people aren't kids. Theoretically. Sure. Theoretically. Where do they start young? um That dude, Coney.
00:55:53
Speaker
Oh, yeah, I remember that. 2012. Was that in Africa? Yeah. but That was fake. Oh, okay. Yeah. That a hoax. So, Captain Jacobs talked about the rules. They're all going to get fingerprinted, have a security badge.
00:56:07
Speaker
There's only one way in and out, and their bells are going to get removed. Not their balls. Their bells. Yeah, you're getting fucking snipped. Yeah, you're a fucking eunuch, bitch. We cut to Walton who's giving his passport to a Border Patrol agent for Canada.
00:56:23
Speaker
that You know what? I never thought about this because I'm not big into the geography. But it is crazy. If you want to drive to Alaska.
00:56:33
Speaker
I have a bum in my ass.
00:56:37
Speaker
To drive to Alaska, you have to go you have to like go through Canada. ah Yes, that is crazy. So like to get to the your own country, you have to have a passport.
00:56:52
Speaker
I mean, you got it. Yeah, that's just what it is. I mean, you should just sell Canada back to the Canadians. Alaska. Yeah, it's what we want for. I don't want it. Well, they got up there. That land bridge to Russia, I think, right? Yeah, well they got up there. Fucking bears. Fucking snow.
00:57:08
Speaker
Snow, bears, probably some fire coochie. But other than that. Yeah, probably some fucking sick Eskimo pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Let me fuck you and your igloo, hoe. want fuck you. Yeah. I was going to say, I want fuck and your igloo. Yeah. going to make that shit That's the balls can get. Yeah.
00:57:26
Speaker
We cut back to the North Pole. The military is installing their equipment. And they drop some... some They're all just fucking doofuses, right? They're all just fucking stupid people.
00:57:38
Speaker
And this guy's a forklift and drops like a big load of crates off of the forklift. Like it falls off because fucking idiot. Right. So there's a group of them trying to pick it back up and Santa walks over and just picks it up.
00:57:51
Speaker
And he's like, steroids. Fair. Chris Benoit. Chris Benoit. I'm going to kill my wife. Um...
00:58:06
Speaker
Yeah, she's gonna get a fucking mark guard.
00:58:12
Speaker
See, that has to get cut big. yeah and Yeah. They go into this ah the workshop and we meet Seven, who is like the head, the floor foreman.
00:58:26
Speaker
He's the
Climactic Confrontation and Resolution
00:58:27
Speaker
head elf. Yeah, he's this. See, I like this lore of like, we just, the elves don't have names, they're just numbered because it's easier for us to keep track. Because when they die... Yeah, like next man up.
00:58:39
Speaker
Yeah, you're seven. He's like, what happened to one through six? He's like, well... It's tough out here in these streets. It is. You ever deliver fucking gifts to Newburgh? Yeah, right? like they Fucking Tyshawn thinks that the fucking ops are on his roof and he pulls up and he's like, bop, bop, bop. know what mean? Yeah. Yeah, don't know who Tyshawn is, but shout out to him.
00:59:01
Speaker
oh no You know, stereotypical black guy, I guess. Tell Brian we said hi. Yeah, for sure. a man. But it is it is nice. The lore is nice because shout out the Santa Claus. Shout out my guy Bernard.
00:59:15
Speaker
Yo, know Bernard's a fucking legend. Yeah, he is. We're reviewing that movie. It'll be out on the podcast in approximately four episodes. It's coming. Four. Four weeks when you hear this.
00:59:28
Speaker
Shut up, Tim Allen. weeks because we're doing two weeks. So I'm sorry about it. Probably two weeks then. Tim Allen the God. Yeah, fucking God. Tim the Toolman Taylor. um Jacob says that some suits are coming to check out the operation. And he asked it Chris if he can use the break room to lodge his soldiers.
00:59:48
Speaker
Which, that's like you're like that's like the Fourth Amendment, right? That's like the sacred spot. Or the third one? It's like you have like the, you can like, your protector, i don't fucking search and seizure, what is it?
00:59:59
Speaker
hu Quartering fucking, what is it? I'm gonna look it up. I don't know my amendments, dog. and I know like the first. Quarter troops, yeah.
01:00:11
Speaker
Third Amendment. Prevents the government from forcing private citizens to house their soldiers in their homes. So this is literally breaking the fucking concept or not the constitution. It's like the your amendment. You're right as a no i'm pretty citizen.
01:00:27
Speaker
Yo, it's the constitution. you just Sometimes you say stuff and it makes me double check myself. Yeah, it's the constitution. Well, you said amendment. Yeah, the the amendments are in the constitution.
01:00:38
Speaker
Oh, right. don't give a fuck. thirty second ja's like right around his fucking grave right now That shit's old. I don't not dead. um We cut to Walton. He's fucking his gerbil.
01:00:53
Speaker
He's playing with his gerbil in the car. That gerbil's tongue could probably fit in your pee hole. It's how small that gerbil's tongue is. Yeah, it could fucking rim me nice. fuck That's a new thing. Rimb my pee hole.
01:01:06
Speaker
He... Rimb my roid. He pulls up to a a pet store and this lady that we were talking about was asking if he wants fucking snakes and he's like, I want to fucking... I want to buy this stuff from my fucking gerbil and I want to leave.
01:01:21
Speaker
And he's like, do you think it's like cannibalism if I use like a lambskin fucking condom for my gerbil?
01:01:29
Speaker
Hmm. If you can fit up that hamster, dude, that's a whole other problem. Yeah. It's like the mini pins of hamsters right there.
01:01:40
Speaker
i don't like the mini pins. We cut to the suits arriving to Santa's operation while he's feeding the reindeer. And ah he's like, one of them is like Carter. He's like, oh, Carter, you had rough year, huh? A little touch and go, huh? and Fucking Blitzen almost eats his penis off. That's fair. I think i think it was a Boner.
01:02:00
Speaker
Boner? Yeah, you know, they have Donner, Boner, and Plutzen. Those are the reindeer. Yeah. forgot my boy Boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah Fuck a Rudolph, what you know about They don't talk about him because he's Rudolph's younger brother. Rudolph got all the fucking heat because he had that red nose and Boner got a red tip.
01:02:27
Speaker
Does his light up? I mean, if you jerk... Yeah. Yeah, you jerk hard. Right. Yeah, bonus one of the reindeer.
01:02:42
Speaker
forgot about that. Yeah, he got kicked off the squad because he was trying to get Blutzen to reach around. Like, get me doing that, bro. Yeah. Blutzen probably finishes so quick, though, right? Yeah, Blutzen to fucking come. There he is. Yeah. Got a kid to Donner. That's a fucking retard name right there. Donner is the fucking slow one of the group. Yeah.
01:03:04
Speaker
Yeah. ah Oh, geez. Boner being fucking stepchild fucking reindeer is hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. No one ever talks about Boner. No, they don't. Yeah. I don't know all the all the reindeer anymore, but Boner is definitely one of them.
01:03:21
Speaker
Donner, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid. la Dasher. bastard Dasher, Dancer, Prancer. Prancer, Donner.
01:03:31
Speaker
You fucking freaks. They're doing like the well fucking... You ever watch like the Olympics? I got like the horse dancing. Oh, i yeah. That shit's stupid. It's like in the Midwest. That shit's scary. Yeah.
01:03:44
Speaker
cause It's like that. You can only see my teeth. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. This shit's black. Am I in blackface right now? Yeah, a little bit. ah Talk about fucking reindeer and shit. Yeah.
01:03:58
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going to make it fucking rain. If all the reindeer were black, what would they be? All right. So hold on. Gotta have Glock for sure.
01:04:10
Speaker
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is too, it is too fun to not do this. oh Okay. Well, Rashid.
01:04:21
Speaker
mean, just stick to the NFL. You Tyreek Rashid. Jalen. Uh, ah jalen ah LeVar. yeah ah i mean, me just think of any fucking name.
01:04:35
Speaker
LeBron. Yeah, LeBron. And you know, if you you if all the reindeer for some reason got sick and couldn't fly, you just need Shaq. You put fucking sled in the big bitch.
01:04:48
Speaker
Got fucking Luttrell. Yeah, Luttrell. You got fucking DeBrickshaw.
01:04:55
Speaker
yeah Can't forget about Plaxico. yeah Who? ah I mean, yeah. It's just what it is. I still think RuPaul needs to be leading the pack. Yes, I love your makeup, dildo. What the fuck his name? Voter? What the fuck is his name?
01:05:22
Speaker
Yeah, slag bitch. yeah pull that slag bitch.
01:05:30
Speaker
Dildo. Boner. um So anyways, yeah, boner. Yeah. Yeah. um Carter, they're like, oh, we want to buy your service for the next 15 years.
01:05:44
Speaker
And Santa's like, it's a one-time deal. And then Boner's like, and he's like, get out of here. He starts getting fucked by a reindeer. Boner's a little snippy. Yeah. Yeah. With little snip tip, you know? Yeah. You got snippy and, all right.
01:05:59
Speaker
ah Got hoodie. Snippy and hoodie. Name them all after, like, penis things. Got saggy. Got dangly.
01:06:10
Speaker
angle ah you got We follow Walton. um he's We follow him traveling. And he has like ah you see him like through a variety of stages, all types of music.
01:06:22
Speaker
um He pulls into his parking lot. His dad leaves his fucking kid in the car. And his kid is playing with an airplane. And Walton asks he can buy it from him because it's Santa.
01:06:32
Speaker
It's big pedo vibes right here, though. He's just walking up to a kid. Yeah, it's big issues. hey Hey, you got that for Christmas. and he' like And he's like, this is what I got for Christmas. And it's like fucking cigarette burns. Yeah.
01:06:44
Speaker
And he... What the fuck's going on with you? So he buys it off for $150. And then he ends up in Alaska.
01:06:56
Speaker
um Cut to the elves. They just eat sugar. And Jacob's like, you need sugar. ah You need protein and vegetables and fiber. Bye, man. sugar ah they have ah six feeding a day of sugar and simple carbs we cut to santa boxing and ruth drops off a folder that has photos kids enjoying their toys and it's supposed to be like touching You know, like this dad who was like a chef and bought his like Santa made his kid like a little kid cookware set.
01:07:33
Speaker
Santa comes inside and tells Ruth he's going to go check the P.O. box. And he says, thanks for the photos. We cut to Walton arriving at the North Pole post office and he tells Herman that he's looking for his friend with P.O. o box 323.
01:07:47
Speaker
But Herman ain't giving out any contact info because don't have any contact info.
01:07:54
Speaker
Um, and he asks if Chris still drives that green, uh, Chevy. like, nah, it's a red Ford cuz. He's like, all right. Sorry about that. Thanks. We cut till Walton looking at jackets and he picks out this all white snow suit with like skis. Skis.
01:08:10
Speaker
Skis. Skis. Um, and then he just camps outside his post office waiting for fucking Chris to show up. Gets a phone call from Billy. Little shit.
01:08:22
Speaker
And he wants a staff report. And then he also says they want Santa's hair. Fucking mama hair. He's like, yeah, I can't do that because, you know, I got to go through like customs and all that bullshit.
01:08:32
Speaker
Getting a hair across state line into another country, back into the state. and go Also, it's going to be like fucking moldy. You want fuck a fucking moldy hair. And he's like, give me his beard. And he's like, He's like, all right, give me his fucking coat.
01:08:48
Speaker
All right. you know I can do that. We cut to Santa driving into town considerably happier than he was last time. and he goes to the bar and he's just there just to say hello.
01:09:01
Speaker
um And we see Walton who's still sitting in his car. He's dumping out his pee bottle. Been peeing in a bottle. It is kind of gross. I've never done that before. I'm too scared. I'm going to fill it up.
01:09:13
Speaker
Pee in a bottle? Yeah. I'd be too afraid I'd drink it. yeah Oh, on accident? On purpose? All right, so anyways, we he's jerking himself off or whatever he's doing. Into a bottle in public.
01:09:27
Speaker
Chris Kringle goes into the fucking post office, and Herman's like, there's a guy looking for you. and He's like, yeah, the feds? He's like, yeah. How'd you know? He's like, yeah, I'm working with him. ah Walton's about to shoot, snipe his ass, coming out of the fucking post office, but a tractor trailer pulls up and blocks his shot.
01:09:45
Speaker
So he follows Santa back to his fucking place. His fucking trap house. He's like, yo, we guys Donner, Rashawn, all the motherfuckers up here.
01:09:59
Speaker
you know what i mean? That's why you need to start a pyramid scheme and become a pimp. Yeah, we got Glock cutting the fucking bricks over there. Yeah, yeah we got on her. He just fucks you. Watch out. Don't fucking near him.
01:10:11
Speaker
ah He runs through the woods and observes Santa going through the gate. We see Billy receiving the first place award in the mail because they tell him that Christine admitted cheating.
01:10:25
Speaker
Walton gears up and he gets a call from a little shit, but he throws the phone in the trunk. The guards hear a noise and it's a ski hitting the side of the fucking gate.
01:10:39
Speaker
But then it cuts and we see Santa who walks in to his house and tells Ruth the check was good. And he's like, why don't we try this blanket you just knitted, bitch?
01:10:52
Speaker
I'm trying to strangle you. I'm to fucking give it to you with this fucking bear. mean...
01:11:01
Speaker
Yeah.
01:11:08
Speaker
And then you're going to suck me and give me your mama a hit. All right, so I forgot where i was at. they they They're going to fuck me. They fucking is bad. um And we cut to these two guards. that gate there They're now dead.
01:11:22
Speaker
We see Walton shoot two more. This is like, to me, for some reason, gave me the vibes of when you fucking enter the airplane, the military base in GTA. Yeah. Yeah. Way less hard.
01:11:34
Speaker
Way less hard. Sure. He just sneak up in there. Just go real stealth. Yeah, I'm main. Uh, no, puppet. He enters the factory. Uh, there are weird cut just to show Santa plowing his wife. Well, he's done. He's done plowing his wife.
01:11:53
Speaker
Yeah. He came too quick. Could that fucking ball? Hey, Yeah. Yo, she's kind of like half fucking dyped out. No, like half her head is like missing hair. She got like the Skrillex haircut. She got like the fucking alopecia ass haircut. yeah I can't see you for shit, dog. Yeah, what's
01:12:12
Speaker
up? Yeah, yeah, we're Kwon. Where you at? Okay. but just
01:12:20
Speaker
Anyways, ah Walton Bomber has become a Walton walton ball Bomber. Walton Bomber. This guy's become Boston Bomber. Yeah, he's a Walton Bomber now. He's setting bombs. And this elf sees Walton, and he's like, what you doing, mate?
01:12:33
Speaker
And he's holding the bomb that Walton set. he's like, that's not a toy. Put it away. But he disarms it, and he runs away, and we hear shots fired. Seven, ah the elf seven directs all the elves to domestic wing.
01:12:47
Speaker
and walton uh engages with the military there's like a shootout and uh he throws some smoke bombs and jacobs lays some cover fire to get seven out of there and he runs to the phone and calls chris hey yo chris they're shooting up the block dog you need to get here fast man yeah yo jake jerking it over there yep hard uh Jacobs comes out of the shed. He's all shot up.
01:13:16
Speaker
Walton follows. He gets attacked by two L's, but he fucking shakes him off. and He scores a touchdown. don't know. He throws another bomb in the factory. He blows his fucking factory. Block ball hit.
01:13:27
Speaker
um this I don't know why I like this so much, but he's like he blows up the fucking shit, and then you just hear Santa's fucking big dick daddy voice. That's enough.
01:13:40
Speaker
I just fucking like that. It's like, oh, daddy's here. Yeah, it's Mel. um And ah he we finally get this guy's name. His name is Jonathan Miller.
01:13:52
Speaker
Hey, Millie. He shows Santa his little toy cop car. He's the only thing he received from me, you fuck. He's like, well, sorry, I couldn't bring your parents back. Yeah, his parents died. And it's like, all right.
01:14:05
Speaker
He yells that he's come. He's like, I've come for your head, fat man. This is the first time someone's come for my fucking cock head. Like, we no I'm fucking slutting out my elves right now and my reindeer. Yeah, I'm Santa Claus. Yeah.
01:14:19
Speaker
He's like, you think I got this job because I'm fat and jolly? no And they have a shootout. Santa gets shot couple times. And then he shoots Jonathan right in the shoulder.
01:14:31
Speaker
And they both work their way towards this long-ass wall of wood. <unk> Yeah. and Santa grabs a piece of wood. He's fucking holding it hard. yeah Santa smacks the shit out Walton with his fucking wood.
01:14:46
Speaker
And he ta he actually fucking spears him. like any does. But remember that fucking Assassin's Creed play we told you about? That long John Silver? He gets fucking stabbed. Shoves it right through his butthole.
01:14:58
Speaker
In his chest. Oh, I thought was his butthole. No, he got it his butthole first and then his chest. um And then he just shoots him in his fucking hair.
01:15:09
Speaker
Or his eye, actually. Big eye. And then he just stands there. Mrs. Claus shoots at him and runs inside the house. So Jonathan chases after her. And she hides behind the doors. When he walks in, he turns back around. She's right there. And she fucking brightened the hair. She knows how to use a fucking gun.
01:15:26
Speaker
Yeah. Because she is Santa Claus's wife. what do you think I was going to say? She's not mean. um Mrs. Claus and the elves find Santa and he comes back to life because he's fucking magical. He's Santa. He literally is. And Seven finds Jonathan's notebook. We cut to Billy telling Helga doesn't want any interruptions because whack off to his grandmother's dust.
01:15:52
Speaker
Call that mummy dust? Shut up, ghost? And ah
01:15:59
Speaker
he walks in his grandmother yelling about missing money from her bank account. And he snags her medication and runs off. And he mixes it with her titty milk.
01:16:10
Speaker
It turns out it's fatal. When there's a knock at the door. And he's like, I told you to fuck off. And Ruth walks in with Chris. And Chris comes He's like, sup, kid? And he fucking drinks the drug milk. he goes, yeah, fentanyl.
01:16:26
Speaker
Sounds good. ah Get a fucking party. Yeah. And he says that he's decided to be proactive this year. And he's starting with him. And we see Ruth drag him by his fucking ear.
01:16:39
Speaker
Him being Billy. Billy. And he's like, look, bro, if anything ever happens to Christine or if you fucking act out one more time, I'm going to come and see you personally. And they unveiled his eye bandage. And he has a fuck he's a fucked eyeball.
01:16:55
Speaker
Yeah, does. He tells that Walton. de um and he threatens to rip Billy right from his fucking cover is to face the consequences. Because the thing is, some of these kids nowadays, like Walton and Billy, they think they can live outside of the world of consequences. There is consequences for all your actions, folks.
01:17:15
Speaker
You do anything, there's consequence. ah Moral of the story right there. Yeah. You know, don't be naughty. no unless you're and Unless you're in the bedroom, then it's okay.
01:17:27
Speaker
Right. If you want to be naughty with us, hit us up. Yeah. Show me your piece. Yeah. We cut to Ruth making cookie for the elves. They rebuild the factory. ah And that's the end of the movie.
01:17:42
Speaker
I don't want to pick it. I'm going to. hey
Movie Ratings and Closing Thoughts
01:17:45
Speaker
great So are you said you're giving this a good score? i am i'm gonna i mean i have four. I'm drop it to a three.
01:17:56
Speaker
A three. Yeah. I mean, I remember this movie a little more fondly than right now. But I do, I still do applaud this movie for its originality.
01:18:09
Speaker
It tries. It's not like, I don't know. I do feel like you're right in that it's like maybe kind of a little bit want to be a John Wickie type thing.
01:18:22
Speaker
there' just There's not enough action. No, it's not like Violent Nights. You know? I like that one. I like that. I typically watch Violent Night and Fat Man back-to-back.
01:18:34
Speaker
Really? Yeah, but I won't be doing that this year. Yeah, I'm gonna give it a three. Maybe three and a half. I don't know. Let me sit on it. Like your dick. wanna sit on that shit. I'm fully set on giving it a two.
01:18:48
Speaker
Yeah, you don't like it. I don't like this movie. And that's okay. But, like, props for... throwing it all out there and seeing what sticks.
01:18:59
Speaker
Which for you was none of it. Which was mostly just Walton Goggins.
01:19:08
Speaker
Yeah. So now we're going to do a... So... You're still here. Follow us on Instagram, 2Guys1ScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to 2Guys1ScreenPod at gmail.com.
01:19:26
Speaker
Follow us on YouTube, TikTok. Follow us individually individually individually on Letterboxd. Send us a fucking hour line out. 508-8, fist us. 508-8, dip tip, 6-minute limit, 12-person maximum, ass-to-mouth.
01:19:45
Speaker
And then go listen to our physical media podcast. Yeah, you want it? Available on the same page. Next week, ah we have an episode for you on The Grinch, the Jim Carrey iteration.
01:20:01
Speaker
Carrey. Jim Carrey. I don't know if that's next week or Friday. I'm sorry. Let me just double check real quick.
01:20:11
Speaker
uh the grinch is coming out on december 16th which is tuesday so yeah next week is the grinch and be there be good a week from the day you're listening to this we have an episode on home alone
01:20:25
Speaker
and then you know coming down the stretch we got uh die hard the santa claus ponner express or the boner express and uh we kick off the new year with the best of two guys one screen Yeah.
01:20:38
Speaker
So that's cool. um I'm gay and we'll see you guys next week. Toodles. Mark, I'm going to shoot you in the head and fuck your eye socket.
01:20:49
Speaker
Yeah.