Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
EP. 40 Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
26 Plays3 months ago
Nick & Gerald review the second installment of the Harry potter Franchise! Where does thi film rank in the franchise for you?
Follow us on Instagram!
Our Tik Tok page is live now!
Email the pod at 2guys1screenpod@gmail.com
Leave us a voicemail to be answered on the pod! 508-834-7847
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Details
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 39 of the Two Guys One Screen Podcast, aka the Hemorrhoid Homies, aka the Po Town Boys. PK, my name is Nick. And I'm Gerald. And today we continue our journey into the wizarding world of Harry Potter with 2002's The Chamber of Secrets. My favorite out of all of the Harry Poppers.
00:00:27
Speaker
Harry's bopper. Yeah. Yeah. This movie is, is good. It's good. Before we get into the scene by scene for Harry's bopper, we'll do a. ah So follow us on Instagram, two guys, one screen pod, send any comments, concerns, movie requests to two guys, one screen pod at gmail dot.com. Send us a voicemail that we will listen to live on the pod at 508 eight fist us by the way, eight dip tip.
00:00:56
Speaker
Follow us on Letterboxd and follow us on TikTok if it's still around at this time. We don't know. All the links will be in the description. Yes. Want to know a fun fact? Tell me. Before we get into this. huh So this isn't coming out until like February or some shit. Spoiler alert. You want you want the actual day that's coming out? I'll tell you. It's coming out March 4th.
00:01:21
Speaker
March 4th. Okay. Well, this is happening like the week after
Nick's Christmas Story and New Cast Members
00:01:26
Speaker
Christmas. So we went to a Christmas party for, with, uh, Anna's family and shit. Shout out Anna. And I got her new, new uncle to say the phrase hemorrhoid homies. And it was amazing.
00:01:41
Speaker
What was the con? Were you talking about the podcast to him? No, he sat in a chair and the the chair was a little broke. So he said that the chair is giving him hemorrhoids. So I said, I was like, oh, so you're part of the hemorrhoid homies, too. And he's like, yeah, I'm a hemorrhoid homie. Oh, I don't have the wow. I had the wow. I don't have it. I have the ya mean and the ill. Oh.
00:02:04
Speaker
ah We'll go over the cast list of the newcomers. Again, what? they have the new car They're new to the scene, right? The newcomers. Yeah, that's what I was when I was there. These points are old. Three. Yeah. Newcomers. Christopher Columbus directed this one, too. I get it, a newcomer. You came for the first time. I get it. Shadow 1952. Columbus sailed the ocean blue. So the most prominent one is Kenneth Branagh, who plays Gilderoy Lockhart. Fuck this guy. Yeah, he's funny, but fuck him.
00:02:35
Speaker
ah We get Toby Jones who plays Dolby. I actually really like Dolby. We got Shirley Henderson who plays Moaning Myrtle. I think we're in agreement on what button she gets. He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. So funny, dude. She's not getting fucked. If you haven't listened to our Black Christmas episode, go listen to it.
00:03:02
Speaker
i don't know I don't know if she's in the first one or not, but Gemma Jones plays Madame Pomfrey. Is she in the first one?
00:03:13
Speaker
Well, in case we didn't address it. He ain't fucking it. we are He ain't fucking it. really does What about Sprout? Is she in the first one? No. All right. we got Miriam Margoyles, it's plural. Her last name is plural. That's crazy. Wow. ah She plays Pomona Sprout, which also just he ain't fucking not getting fucked. He ain't fucking it.
00:03:47
Speaker
I think that's it, right? Anybody else? I don't think so. No one else is really relevant. I don't see
Humor and Opening Scenes Discussion
00:03:57
Speaker
anybody else. This movie was released in 2002. Who does not exist? um We are a post 9-11 podcast.
00:04:13
Speaker
um not Actually speaking we are post 9-11 true um Even 2007 is post 9-11. Mm-hmm So if you haven't seen this movie somehow you can listen or or come in Come or you can just listen along come get a hemorrhoid with us Yeah, get a catch a hemorrhoid Instead of catching feelings, I'm catching hemorrhoids. Right? I just see you and my little anus vein pops out. Exactly. The Chamber of Secrets opens, we're at the Dursley's home. And Harry's got promoted, he's got his own room now. And he's just looking at the album that Hagrid gave him.
00:05:00
Speaker
And these have pictures of his family. They have pictures of his first year. And they'd be moving. Maybe moving like the paintings on the wall in Hogwarts. Hedwig is in his cage next to him having a fit. And Vernon calls him. Vernon calls Harry downstairs and he's like, listen, I got a very important business meeting tonight. It could get me a big promotion, whatever the fuck. Big whatever it is.
00:05:27
Speaker
and he's like, don't make any noise and keep the bird coming to shut the fuck up. And Henry's like, just let him fly like a little bit. Let him get some, you know, flap his wings. Did you just assume that Hedwig is a guy? I'm on notice. Hedwig is a girl. She's a girl? Yeah. Is that factual? Google it. I'm not going to Google it. I don't have time for that. Does Hedwig have a penis or a vagina?
00:05:58
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. Don't know me. That's a snow owl. You think you know me. ah
00:06:14
Speaker
Also, a Harry, they use the owls to communicate with each other, like his friends. So he hasn't received any kind of letters from his friends. He has to be able to write to Hermione and Ron.
00:06:26
Speaker
You're a little sad about that. And Vernon makes the point that he should be grateful that they let him into their home, which is kind of fucking bullshit. but le He's your fucking nephew. That is true, and he does not give a fuck. Petunia's making a cake, and this cake is for the masons who are coming over. ah They go over where everyone's going to be, and essentially Harry Potter's like, yep, I'll be upstairs not making any noise.
00:06:52
Speaker
um yeah That's what I was saying. It's his the biggest deal Vernon's ever made his life
Dobby's Warning and Harry's Rescue
00:06:57
Speaker
as far as work i um Harry goes upstairs to find Dolby the house elf Who is honored to meet Harry? And Harry asked Dolby to sit down and Dobby cries because he's been honored as an equal House elves don't really get to like Be people ah they're slaves Harry Potter ah says that Dobby probably hasn't met many wizards that are decent if they haven't asked him to sit down and Dobby agrees with that and he goes I shouldn't have said that starts banging his head against the wardrobe which makes some noise downstairs and the masons are already in the house I guess and then Dobby here that comes Dobby down and he's like I almost spoke ill of the wizarding family he serves whoa
00:07:48
Speaker
What family could it be? Does anybody have a guess? I do! Like an episode of Dora? Yeah. Dude, those moves would be so bad if it was like that. Can you find the Horcrux?
00:08:06
Speaker
ah What? It's behind me. Dobby is basically there to warn Harry Potter. He's like, you cannot go back to Hogwarts. There's a horrible plot, a ruin. And Harry wants to know, like, more and Dobby can't stay. And he starts smacking himself in the head with a lamp. Dobby's definitely CGI, right? Yeah, Dobby's definitely CGI. It looks good. he looks the Yeah, it's not bad for 2002. That's the thing. This movie, like, really ups the ante when it comes to the CGI. Like, the majority of this movie looks good.
00:08:41
Speaker
I agree with that. The Dobby smack himself in the head of the lamp kind of alerts Vernon. and So Vernon's coming up the stairs and Harry throws Dolby in the, uh, in his wardrobe and Vernon comes up and yells at, at Harry. Yeah, because he was, he interrupted the punch line of his Japanese golfer joke. Which, what was the punch line? I don't know. We never found out. Well, probably wasn't very funny. Uh,
00:09:08
Speaker
Vernon leaves and Dobby tells Harry that, ah or Dobby knows in conversation that Harry's friends have not been writing to him because Dobby has intentionally been hiding the letters to prevent Harry from going back. You think Dobby has a Harry plopper?
00:09:25
Speaker
Dude, I think Dobby's hair looks like like those like those cats. He does kind of give off like hairless cat vibes, right? He does. But he's cute, he's a cute little guy. Yeah, we ain't fucking him either.
00:09:38
Speaker
He ain't fucking it. He ain't fucking it. He ain't it.
00:09:44
Speaker
um So, Harry wants his letters from his friends and he chases Dobby down the stairs and Dobby is able to just snap and make this cake float.
00:09:57
Speaker
And he forces Harry bopper to try to say that he won't go back to Hogwarts but Harry refuses and Dolby Drops the cake over mrs. Mason's head and it goes Exactly And then Vernon like profusely apologizes. He's like meeting me meeting strangers, upsets him. That's why we kept him upstairs. And Dolby just snaps his fingers and disappears. He's like poof. He's like like a Thanos snap before a Thanos snap. Right, but no one died. He just disappears. He gets transported somewhere else. ah Vernon installs. We cut to Vernon installing a guardrail, essentially, like bars over Harry's window so he can't escape.
00:10:41
Speaker
That's fucked. And, uh, we cut to Harry who's asleep and he's awoken by a flying car. And it's, uh... It's Ron, Fred, and George. Ron, Fred, George. What are y'all doing here? And they're rescuing him. Duh, Harry, are you fucking idiot. Why the fuck else would we be here? Yeah, they're not rescuing Ron. They're not rescuing Hermione. They're rescuing you.
00:11:13
Speaker
i don't know where i was gonna play that button so i put it there that works uh you but they definitely tiktok definitely changed that a little bit to like stretch it it's like not me not ha mai ne you but the actual sound is not me tiny yo That's it by very quick sassy emphasis Ron puts on the you yeah ah So they hook up like a toe basically to the these bars and they just yank that the bars off the off the window meshes allowed which alerts Vernon and Petunia and they go upstairs to chase after Harry harry and Vernon latches on to Harry's ankle and
00:12:01
Speaker
And he goes to try and pull him back in, but he gets pulled out. Hey, yo, they drive off and Vernon just falls out and lands in the fucking bushes. Because Petunia is probably not trimmed anyway, so he's used to the bushes. That's pretty good. Oh, and it's Harry's birthday. ah They pull up to the Weasley's
Weasley's Home and Diagon Alley Mishap
00:12:25
Speaker
home. This is the first time we're seeing the Weasley's home in the Harry Potter franchise.
00:12:29
Speaker
Not the last time. They sneak inside and there's a pot that is scrubbing itself, which is what I call when I jerk myself off. Scrubbing myself. Scrubbing the pot.
00:12:42
Speaker
ah They have to be quiet, but ah the mom hears them anyways and she's mad they snuck out, but she's very happy to see Harry. No note. Car gone. I mean, just terrible. You could have died. Right. You could have been seen.
00:12:59
Speaker
um So they're sitting at the table about to eat breakfast when Ginny Weasley comes down and she's looking for her jump up Which I'm pretty sure a jumper over there is like a sweatshirt. Is it? Yeah, I think let us know or don't it was on the cat apparently And she sees Harry. They have a like weird eye contact thing. I didn't like this but it's what it is I mean right now He ain't fuckin' it. He is Harry. He ain't fuckin' it. He's just not. He's not, you know why? Because he doesn't care about Ginny. I don't think his yeah wand is, uh... Wand at the ready? ready but Yeah, I think his wand's at the ready for that. Yeah.
00:13:40
Speaker
you and You did that to yourself. I didn't do that.
00:13:45
Speaker
Uh, while they're eating breakfast, Mr. Weasley shows up. Good ol' Arthur. Good ol' Arthur Weasley. And Ron, uh, well, Mr. Weasley says as he walks in, he's been, he was out doing nine raids the night before. and Not rapes. Raids. Right. Shout out Diddy.
00:14:03
Speaker
No, not ah Ron tells his dad. Ron tells his dad. Ron tells Harry Potter that his father worked for the Ministry of Magic. ah And he works in the auto corrected by believe it's the misuse of muggle artifacts division. That is correct. And if you forgot, muggles are non magic people. Right.
00:14:24
Speaker
I don't think it's a slur though. It's not a slur. No, the the that is the slur. You've right. Mudblood is like, Mudblood is like their n-word. The n-word doesn't exist because there's no n-words in the movie.
00:14:40
Speaker
oh
00:14:45
Speaker
yeah tools oh
00:14:51
Speaker
on the top I'm gonna bleep that. I don't know if you do. No, I do. Why? No, Edward, this won't be.
00:15:05
Speaker
um
00:15:08
Speaker
oh
00:15:13
Speaker
ah Right. Wow. So what do you got?
00:15:25
Speaker
ah Mr. Weasley kind of looks at Harry and he's like, Who the fuck are you? Why are you in my house? And ah Harry's like, Oh, I'm Harry Potter. and stra And his dad's like, Oh, Ron's told us all about you. When did you get here?
00:15:43
Speaker
I was like, this morning, they stole your fucking car. Mr. Mr. Weasley's like mad hyped. He's like, oh, yeah, did you? And his wife's like, he's like, oh, yeah, that was wrong. Don't do that again. Right. And then he proceeds to ask Harry. He's like, Harry, you must know all about muggles. What exactly?
00:16:05
Speaker
What is the function of a rubber duck?
00:16:11
Speaker
Which what is their function? I don't really know why they were invented. They just I don't they just kind of float in the water, right? Why do people collect them? They're I don't know. They're big in the jeep community. You can get ducked if you have a jeep. That's true. I like getting ducked. I don't have any cheap though my question is the owl that. The owl that enters and like crashes into the window is Ron's owl, right? Yeah, it's Ron. Everyone's.
00:16:41
Speaker
Owl arrow.
00:16:45
Speaker
Snacks the fuck in the window goes. And there are letters from Hogwarts, which is essentially saying what they're inviting them back for another year. Yeah, and it's like giving them like shit the list of shit they need to buy. And Dumbledore already knows Harry's there because Dumbledore is the goat. He is the goat said to a digon alley and they got to take. ah Why is it auto credit? I hate this. It's blue powder, blue powder.
00:17:11
Speaker
So essentially you announce where you're going in the fireplace, you feel this dust, and you essentially burst into green flames and you transport to wherever you said. Mrs. Weasley tells Harry, she's like, speak clearly of where you wanna go. And this is like obvious, but Harry goes, doggonelly! And doesn't space it out, so. What did he say, dear? Diagonally. Goddammit. Spacey said diagonally, is what he said. Right, so he wasn't- In America, shot Mr. Furman. Diagonally.
00:17:41
Speaker
And he he ends up in an attic or a second-story building that has like artifacts. It looks like that place Dr. Strange like guards. Yeah, it does. ah But it turns out he's in an area he's not supposed to be in, so a bunch of fucking creepy old people like pull up on him. He's in a nocturne alley.
00:18:07
Speaker
Right. And Hagrid shows up and he's he's like, Harry, why are you here? And here he's kind of like, well, why are you here? He's like, Oh, uh, there's slugs. Flesh eating slug repellent. They're eating the school cabbages.
00:18:24
Speaker
They go, they basically turn like two corners and they're in Diagon Alley. And they reunite with Hermione, who repairs his glasses again. What is it? Oculus Reparo? Something like that. Is that it? Yeah. Oculus Reparo. That's pretty good. I can't remember that. Harry said he needs to remember that one. He should. You fucking idiot. You're the only one in this whole fucking movie that wears glasses, you dumb fuck. Yeah. Stupid.
00:18:51
Speaker
they enter like a bookstore where there's a signing for lockhart gilderoy lockhart sorry the bookstore is flourish and blots that's the name of it yeah now you guys know that's trivia for later uh and mrs weasley is uh she's got the hots for this dude and he has a new book out called the magical me um So locker comes out and he notices Harry Potter right away and he wants to get a picture ah With the guy from the newspaper and he gives him all of his books which who fucking cares No one likes this guy. Well, actually everybody likes this all the women like this guy Yeah, he's like the modern-day Jason Momoa Everybody wants to fuck him and all the dudes want to be him right except for Harry ah Mrs. Weasley sends him outside to wait for her and they run to Draco who's talking shit and
00:19:40
Speaker
And Ginny tries to like stand up to him, which is fucking stupid, but whatever didn't work and then ah We meet Lucius. Do we meet Lucius Malfoy in this movies in the last one now? I Thought he was in the last one is he? Yeah, yes, he's somewhere in it right <unk>s He's got to be he's got to be It's gotta to be Kane. Right. And Lucius Malfoy goes on a fucking rampage here. He says that Hermione's parents are muggles. Then Mr. Weasley shows up and it's like the dads are swinging dicks. Malfoy essentially calls them poor and a disgrace to wizards for associating with muggles.
00:20:22
Speaker
That's fucked up. We cut to Harry and Ron trying to go onto platform nine and three quarter, which the wall does not open. And that stupid dickhead train conductor guy's back. He's like, what the fuck are you guys doing? The fuck you doing? He's like, he's just back every year. Lost control of the trolley. um And they decide to take the car because they're late for the train. They miss the flying car. And the car does have a Ability to turn invisible, but I'm pretty sure the muggle saw it as they were pulling out the invisibility booster turns off as they're flying off like the spray fuck it all yeah in Mosquito get away um Mesquite my dick you like mesquite flavored things. No mesquite barbecue is too strong for me don't like it not a fan but they pull on to the ah tracks and they hear the train and
00:21:20
Speaker
And it turned out the train right in the ass. Yeah, it's like it's like fucking them. So they got to do a maneuver and Harry like falls out of the car. He's like hanging from the door.
Whomping Willow Incident and Lockhart's Class
00:21:32
Speaker
Uh, Ron tries to pull him up, but his hands are sweaty. He's able to pull Harry up and they just end up following the train in the car to Hogwarts, which crashes into a, I believe it's called a whomping willow. That's damn correct. And, uh, the crash, Juan breaks his wand. Juan breaks his wand. Juan. And Juan Weasley, if he was Mexican, by the way. Yes. Uh,
00:22:00
Speaker
The tree while they're like landing in the trees, like a moment where they think that the tree, the car settled in the tree and they're good. The tree actually comes to life and starts like smashing their car and basically yeets out out of the out of the tree into the yard, the yard. They get out of the car and the car just drives off.
00:22:18
Speaker
um We cut to Ron and Harry coming up the stairs of Hogwarts and they're basically talking about shit's very fucking weird right now Yeah, hey Harry's basically saying like ah Someone doesn't want him at the school because of all this dumb shit's happening and then guess who finds them Mr. Filch And he brings them right to Snape is a little fucking snitch bitch. Yeah, right like why you bring it on the snake? Yeah you were seen by no less than seven muggles. And Snape has the newspaper which has a picture of them in the car flying. Snape gets like really fucking pissed off because he's like, you landed in the Whomping Willow, it's been here longer than you were like alive, and Ron's like, I think it did more damage to us. That's true. Snape's like, if you were in Slytherin, I would send your asses home.
00:23:14
Speaker
ah But they ain't but they ain't so guess who pulls up Dumbledore and McGonagall Yeah, they're like we should expel you ah But we're not but you're gonna get detention and note sent to your parents wish Harry's parents were dead. So good luck with that Guess it's going. Hey go into the Dursleys and they won't give a fuck flying fuck we cut to the class with the with professor sprout and ah And she's going to teach them how to repot mandrakes and basically nobody knows anything about mandrakes besides Hermione Of course cuz she's the fucking smart ass bitch, right? And they have a fatal cry through here. You'll you'll die. You'll be it's fatal. That's it ah It's it's donezo and they have regenerative restorative properties to petrified beings um So winky dink
00:24:09
Speaker
Right. Sprout has a little baby one and she still gives out like earphones and she pulls a mandrake out of the pot to do a demonstration and Neville still passes out. Yeah, his his air pod maxes weren't good enough. And Sprout's like just leave him there on the floor. That's fucked. I like that. Just leave him there. um We cut to the dining hall where Ron is taping his wand.
00:24:37
Speaker
And we meet Colin Creevy who takes a picture. Well, he gets. Yeah. Takes a picture with Harry Potter with the flash like fucking right into the generate piece of shit. I'm calling Creevy. I'm in Gryffindor, too. Pretty good. Ron's owl comes crashing into Hogwarts and delivers a howler, not the howler. Fuck that movie. The howler is not a how you doing.
00:25:07
Speaker
It is not. ah But essentially it's an angry letter from his mother. And she shares it in the letter. By the way, the whole dining hall can hear this letter yelling. Ronald Weasley, how dare you steal that car? Your father and I are absolutely disgusted. His father, speaking of, is facing an inquiry from the ministry. Because they're like, hey, your son fucked up. Right.
00:25:35
Speaker
Uh, we cut to defense against the dark art class and their new teacher is no other than Gilderoy Lockhart. Wow. It's like supposed to be a, uh, but during doing, doing, doing for like the female students. I didn't like that at all. It kind of irks me. It is a little weird that, you know, you're trying to make like all the little girls wet over this kid. Hey, yeah, he's not a kid. He's a guy. It is very odd. Um, but doing, going, going.
00:26:04
Speaker
Yeets out not yeets. He just pulls out a cage of Cornish pixies that are Babies are young so no one really takes them Seriously, and he is like you know what well good luck. and He just opens the fucking cage up They're causing big mischief out here
00:26:23
Speaker
Neville gets picked up by his ears and hung from the, uh, not hung, but like, he's like hooked. Remember. Wow, dude. Then Lockhart is like kind of noticing the situations out of control and he goes to use his wand, but the Pixies take his wand and he just bails. He's a fraud. Right. Cause he's a fraud. So he asked Harry, Hermione, and Ron to just deal with it. And Hermione hits them with the, uh,
00:26:52
Speaker
A Mobulus, I believe, is how you pronounce it. um look a ze You're doing really good with these pronunciations. Especially because I watched this movie like a week ago. um And they all just like float in the air. The next scene is Gryffindor going to Quidditch practice. And Oliver Wood says that he's got a longer and harder practice routine for him. When they run into Slytherin, who is also going to practice, and they have a letter from Snape that they can use the field.
00:27:21
Speaker
ah We also find out here that Malfoy is Slytherin's new seeker, and they've all been gifted the Nimbus 2001. These shits are c club 2000. 2001, bitch. These things are black and clean. ah They were gifted to them from his father, Lucius.
00:27:42
Speaker
And here's where Drake they get into like a bickering argument whatever and Draco calls Hermione a mudblood Which is like the n-word can't say that can't say it a bad bad word ah Ron tries to hit Draco with a spell that would make slugs come out of his mouth ah But because his wand is broken. It just hits him and And now he's just like vomiting slugs. This was pretty gross. I didn't. This was. yeah It is gross. And I it looked it. It kind of looks like he's actually like puking out slugs, but it does. He's like. yeah So they bring him to Hagrid, but Hagrid, like you just got waited out, dude, sorry. ah But we learn here that mudblood or dirty blood.
00:28:26
Speaker
Uh, is someone who does not have, uh, someone with non-magic parents. So Hermione's parents are not, don't have any magical capabilities. Uh, and the Malfoy's think they're better than everybody else because they're pure blood, pure magic. pure you do This is real Nazi shit, man. It is like, why are we doing this? Uh, because entertainer watch and they they need a villain. Drake is such a fucking pussy though. Like I agree.
00:28:56
Speaker
As you come to find out, like later in the movies, like he's just a fucking pussy. Like he doesn't commit to anything. I'm a fucking pussy too. I'm a fuck a pussy. You know what I'm saying? Sure. ah We cut to Harry Potter spending his detention with Lockhart helping him answer fan mail.
00:29:15
Speaker
um And he hears a voice that's saying ah Come to me kind of like a the trailer for Nosferatu, but yeah is what it is ah Lockhart didn't hear Shit heard nothing and Harry's like what what? After detention we Harry's like walking and he hears ah the voice again and
00:29:44
Speaker
He also does the if you want to hit this one, he does the. ah I smell blood, let me kill you. I smell blood. Let me kill you. If that didn't make you uncomfortable, maybe be uncomfortable. That's pretty accurate, I'm just saying I know I may or may not have been in this movie when I was four years old. And he keeps following this voice that he's hearing, and then it like hits a corner where he runs into Ron and Hermione.
00:30:14
Speaker
um And there's a Trail of spiders leading outside and then we find out here um That there's a message written in blood and they hold off on reading the message because the professors all show up And see it and they're talking about it and essentially It not essentially the message does say the Chamber of Secrets has been opened enemies of the air be where and Malfoy hits him with you'll be next mudbloods The other part ah we should notice is that our notice that we should talk about is that Filch's cat ah Mrs. Norris has been petrified and All of a sudden it's kind of weird this happens There's dialogue then suddenly the whole entire class is like standing outside this wall. Yeah, like everybody just pulls up to them Right
00:31:10
Speaker
right It's like when there's a fight in high school. Yeah. Phillips thinks Harry Potter petrified his cat and threatens to kill him when Dumbledore shows up ah and sends everyone away except for Ron, Harry, and Hermione. Not me. Not Hermione. You.
00:31:28
Speaker
ah And Dumbledore acknowledges that Mrs. Norris is petrified, but he says he doesn't know how Mrs. Norris got petrified, which is kind of fucking stupid because you know. You fucking know. Whatever. ah And Snape says it's possible Harry Potter just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
00:31:48
Speaker
And Hermione's about to say that Harry had told them that he was hearing voices, but she decides not to say that. Because if you're hearing voices in your head, it's not typically a good sign, even if you're a wizard. Yeah, that's bad. ah We cut to McGonagall. McGonagall teaches classes, I guess, and she's going to teach them how to transform animals into water goblets. Yeah, she's where it teaches transfiguration. One, two, three. There are there, though. Look, they.
00:32:15
Speaker
nay ah Ron doesn't go well because his fucking wand is broken and his goblet has a tail. Yeah, Scabbers is like... That's gotta be like really mean, right? Is that animal abuse? I would say so, or not for that, but Christopher Columbus was. Fuck them Indians, am I right? Okay. Sorry.
00:32:39
Speaker
Fuck you redskins. that's what That's what Christopher Columbus said, not what we said. Pull up. Murder some redskins. It's pull up. Spread disease.
00:32:52
Speaker
Then randomly Hermione asks McGonagall about the Chamber of Secrets, which is kind of random, but I guess they have to have this exposition dump to set up the rest of the movies. Yeah, it makes sense. Also, the Chamber of Secrets is what I call my ass.
00:33:07
Speaker
Kind of secret you got in there, dude, you don't know So there's four main founders of Hogwarts. You have Godric Gryffindor. You got Helga Hufflepuff. You got Rowena Ravenclaw Which good for me for remembering that because it didn't autocorrect you a weird ass fucking word There you go. And lastly Salazar Slytherin. I think Salazar is a fire fucking name. I'm not gonna lie to you Should I try and convince Anna if we have a kid to name him Salazar? Salazar. Oh, fuck.
00:33:38
Speaker
Sorry. Sorry, cut that. Nick, please cut that. That'd be a fire name though, dude. It would. I could say SS, right? That's the same. Yeah. All right, good. um Three of the founders existed harmoniously with no issues, but Slytherin,
00:33:56
Speaker
ah Salazar Slytherin that is aka Gerald son Because let's face him. It's not a son. You're killing it, right? Oh, yeah belongs them to trash um He wanted to be more selective with the process you only wanted pure bloods and he was unable to convince the others so he decided to leave the school and then it was blaman Yeah, it was just kind of rumor legend a myth that Slytherin had built a hidden chamber that was sealed off until the true heir of Slytherin ah came to Hogwarts. But no one's ever been able to find it. And that was, you know, these three or four founders or of Hogwarts have been around for thousands of years. They're fucking dead. Oh, they're dead dead.
00:34:40
Speaker
Yikes. Come on, Jerry. I mean, I would say that Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw are probably the only two people that have a dustier push than McGonagall does.
00:34:54
Speaker
Right. I mean, yeah, she has to be out of order, not functioning. I mean, first like a broken McFlurry machine in McDonald's out of order. Low key, McGonagall could probably get it in our youth. I agree. Right.
00:35:09
Speaker
Should we hit the, no, she's dead, that's fucked up. Oh yeah, RIP Maggie Smith. I'm sorry, we lost you this year. So the chamber was never found and it holds a monster creature or something that only the air of Slytherin can control.
Chamber of Secrets Legend and Parseltongue
00:35:25
Speaker
Spoiler alert, it's Nick's cock. Well, I'm not gonna say that. ah Have you seen my dick? I've been looking for it.
00:35:37
Speaker
I don't know, whip it out. Right, it's really small. But we cut to the three of them talking, Hermione, Ron, and Harry, that is. And Hermione believes that there is a Chamber of Secrets, but she doesn't know. You think the Chamber of Secrets and Victoria's Secret is the same secret? The only way to find Victoria's Secret? Victoria's Secret was pedophilia, right? Was it? I don't know. That's true. I don't think it is. Oh. But yeah, maybe they're the same secret.
00:36:06
Speaker
Yeah, maybe the key to finding Victoria's Secret is in the chamber. Right. Which... Okay, see? now
00:36:16
Speaker
Now... Ron is convinced the heir is Malfoy. um And they come up with a plan into tricking ah Crab and Goyle into telling them what Malfoy knows.
00:36:29
Speaker
Uh, and they want to use a polyjuice potion to transform Ron and Harry. Uh, and it's a very complicated potion that takes, uh, over a month to brew. And obviously, Hermione is, uh, spearheading this one because she's the only intelligent one. And Harry pretty much says, if Malfoy's the heiress Slytherin, he will kill half the Smuggleborns in the school by a month. Yeah, fuck them mudbloods. Uh, that was mean, right? Yeah, yeah, filthy little mudbloods.
00:36:59
Speaker
We cut to Quidditch Game, which is Gryffindor vs Slytherin. And they're beating Gryffindor's ass, bruh. Yeah, you're getting fucked. And again, it's your favorite word from the first recording. The bludger has been tampered with. Tampered? It's not a tampered stick, it's a tampered ball.
00:37:19
Speaker
This time, ah everybody keeps tampering with sticks with fucking with cocks and balls, cocks and balls, snitches, quaffles, exactly. And this bludger is targeting Harry Potter. ah But Harry is able to see the snitch and. ah Essentially, the blood is chasing ah Harry around the arena and Malfoy and him are like trying to both to get the snitch.
00:37:49
Speaker
uh Malfoy ends up crashing hits his heads his broom on a on a rod he gets his stick stuck yeah essentially gets a stick stuck the bludger hits Harry like kind of like in his arm is like Shoulder almost but Harry's able to like make a falling catch and catch the snitch And I wrote my notes say the blood you're still trying to hit It's facts and Hermione hits him with the Finite incantatum This was really hard for me to say because I could not tell if there was a R in the word or not The heart are common theme of this episode for some reason. I'm not sure why Okay
00:38:32
Speaker
so and uh lokar they all rush to the the field and lokar offers to fix harry's arm and harry's like not you dude yeah give me anybody besides you he's like you're out of your mind child And he hits him with the brachium amendo, which makes Harry's arm look like a fucking twizzler. Yeah, it's all gelatinous. Not look like a twizzler, but it's like all floppy. It's like when your dick is soft. Right. It's all like bending and stuff. And he's like, well, you can no longer feel any pain because... You have no bones. The bones are not broken. And Hagrid's like, there's no bones in there. You fucking idiot.
00:39:20
Speaker
You fucking an idiot, mate. We cut, like, the nurses off. It's not really an office, it's a fucking room, but it's like the PR. Draco is sitting there in pain and and the nurse is like, dude, shut the fuck up, Draco. Harry has no bones in his arm. Yeah. Well, you did this fall. Right. And she gives Harry some medicine. I didn't catch the name of the medicine in the bottle, but... Skelligro. And obviously it doesn't taste good because Harry spits it out. What do you expect, pumpkin juice?
00:39:51
Speaker
Uh, we cut to Harry asleep and he's awoken by another voice saying, kill, and Dolby is back. And we find out here that Dolby is behind the platform, not working and the blood you're targeting Harry. What the fuck? So it wasn't Snape staring at a stick this time. Damn it. Uh, Harry threatens Dolby, but Dolby has been threatened before. Um, and he shares with Harry that before Before Harry Potter triumphed, which I guess he's referring to Voldemort not being able to kill Harry, ah House elves were treated like vermin. We're an anti-kill the vermin podcast, as everybody knows. so No, you are. I'm not. but Okay, kill the vermin. Fuck him. Oh, you come around? No, but... All right. And Dobby's cloth sheet that he's wearing is a mark of his enslavement. The only way to free him is if he's presented with a piece of clothing.
00:40:52
Speaker
um And he tells ah Harry not to stay at Hogwarts and history repeats himself These are smacking himself with a medicine bottle and Harry wants to know who's behind everything but Dobby disappears And then he acts like quickly pretend like he's asleep because the nurse and McGonagall rushed in with Colin who's been petrified fuck ah We cut to the bathroom where Hermione is brewing the Polyjuice potion and um And they're in this bathroom in particular because it's the home of moaning Myrtle who keeps everybody out and she's a ghost like nearly headless Nick You can see through that bitch Right we cut to we ain't fucking her Nope, we're not we cut to the
00:41:41
Speaker
ah Defense against the dark arts class with Lockhart and he's developed a dueling club To teach everyone how to defend themselves and he says his assistant for this is Snape Assistant is like disrespectful, but whatever. Yeah, really cuz Snape is clearly like the superior wizard in this situation Right. Hits him with an Expelliarmus. That's the first of many Expelliarmuses we get in this ima caoo in this series. Yeah. Should've pulled the clip from Baby No Money. Expelliarmus on my wrist. Sorry, dude. There's always so many excuses. I ask you.
00:42:20
Speaker
Lockhart does not block Snape's attack, but he insists he saw it coming. And then Snape suggests to teach the students how to actually defend themselves because he didn't show them anything. He just took a hit. ah And Lockhart decides he wants to pull students from the the crowd and he pulls Potter and Snape suggests pulling one from his house so if he pulls Malfoy. So you get the classic Potter v Malfoy.
00:42:47
Speaker
i won Lockhart says it'll count to three but on two ah Malfoy hits him with the higher. Are you forgot? He pronounces avert stay to my think it is I thought it was like a vertex tassel is It could have changed. It could have hit the yeah Sure, I don't remember but it's in Terry flying um a kao yeah, so Harry Potter gets up and he's a hits him with the Rick De Semper, that one I know is right. There you go. Which sends homeboy flying a Malfoy. He goes like backflips and shit. And he like, Malfoy crashes into Snape. And this was funny. Snape picks him up and like throws him back into the ring, essentially. He's like, come on, pussy. And here is where Malfoy hits him with the serpent Sortia, or yeah, Sortia, I think it is, which summons a snake.
00:43:46
Speaker
which is not really fair because it was supposed to be a defense class. Right. And like this man's like, it's it's a cobra nonetheless. So like this thing can kill you in a bite. Yes, correct. ah And Snape offers to get rid of the snake, but Lockhart's like, no, I got it. And he hits it with an Alarte. Asandari, I believe it is. And it just launches the snake like right up into the air. Yeah, it does not solve the problem at all. And it just falls.
00:44:15
Speaker
ah And here we get the scene where Harry is speaking to the snake And it's kind of weird everyone's watching Harry talk to his snake and finally Snape hits it with a Vapara Evanesca which basically incinerates the snake into like little tiny drawings and And then ah the dude that the snake was like a approaching was like, what the fuck are you doing, Harry? Yeah. I mean, the whole class is pretty shocked. And we find out that Harry's what you call a parcel mouth, which is rare. This sounds like a slur. A fucking parcel mouth. A parcel mouth is what I call it when I'm giving but i'm getting head because my package is in her mouth.
00:45:07
Speaker
hello I just thought of that. ah That's good. um Ron tells me he was speaking partial tongue and Harry was not even aware of it.
00:45:18
Speaker
He's like, how can I speak a different language without knowing I can? We also find out here that Salazar Slytherin himself was a parcel mouth. And it's bad PR for Harry. Not a great look. Like, you could be his great, great, great grandfather. No, he could be your great, great, great grandfather. Right. Because he lived thousands of years ago. And Harry's like, that's bullshit.
00:45:44
Speaker
ah The next scene is in class and everyone's staring at Harry. They're staring at Harry's bopper. And harry just Harry decides to leave. And the words from the voice here are, I want blood. They almost die. Kill. Kill. He finds nearly Headless Nick floating. ah And his head is not upright. And I wrote that it was Neville, but it's not Neville. It's somebody else. It's just a random dude. It's Justin, the guy that the snake was approaching.
00:46:17
Speaker
ah He's petrified and Filch just conveniently walks in and thinks Harry Potter did it. um There's also the Trail of Spires leading out the window and Filch brings Harry to McGonagall, who brings Harry to Dumbledore, which is through a magical hidden spiral staircase. this the The code word, by the way, is Sherbert Lemon. Fire. Yes. Maybe Dumbledore fucks with Lemon Sherbert.
00:46:45
Speaker
I would buy that. ah We are now inside Dumbledore's office, and Harry notices the sorting hat, and he asks the sorting hat if ah he put Harry in the right place. More on that later at the end of the film. But um he sees Dumbledore's Phoenix Fox. Fox is a fire name.
00:47:08
Speaker
Like Guy Fawkes. Right. Shout out to Beef Vendetta. Remember, remember the 5th of November. um Fawkes burst into flames and just turns to
Polyjuice Potion and Tom Riddle's Diary
00:47:20
Speaker
ash. And as this is happening, Dumbledore walks in and Harry's like, I'm so sorry, you're a bird man. I couldn't do anything about it. He's like, oh, it's about time. Right. ah We find out also that the tears from a phoenix have healing powers.
00:47:38
Speaker
And they're super strong so they can carry you. ah While they're talking, Harvard bursts into the office saying Harry Potter didn't do it. And Dumbledore's like, yeah, I know, dude. um Thanks, dude. He asked Dumbledore. Our Dumbledore asked Harry if Harry has anything to tell him. Harry's like, nope, but obviously he's lying. And Dumbledore sends him off. We cut, and it's Christmas time at Hogwarts again.
00:48:07
Speaker
It's always fucking Christmas in every movie. Yup. And the polyjuice potion is ready. And the plan essentially is they have to get a piece of their hair, uh, crab and goyl's hair. So Hermione loaded some sleeping drought into two cupcakes. Um, and she got her own table for some girl and Slytherin that she's going to use. Minicin bullstrang. That's her name. Yeah.
00:48:34
Speaker
And here, the next scene is, we get a Wengardium Leviosa. Fuck you. From Harry, and he just puts these two floating cupcakes, just floating, and Crabbe and Gorr are so fucking stupid, they just take them and eat them. And they're like, oh yeah, this is good, and then they just kinda, like, fall over. And Ron's like, they're really that stupid? Yeah, they are, Ron. They're from Slytherin, and they're Malfoy's henchmen.
00:49:02
Speaker
uh so they take a harry and the potion gives them an hour to be uh to be transformed they all take the potion together they all get sick like throwing up uh ron turns into crab harry turns into goil uh but their voices are the same their voices don't change with the uh with the juice sauce or the dressing right could have used a little bit of dressing here So, Hermione is in the bathroom stall cuz she's like throwing up or whatever and she doesn't come out and she tells Ron and Harry, she ain't going. I ain't going! Um, I got the shits! Uh, so Ron and Harry are, as Crab and Goyle, are walking through the halls and they get caught by a school prefect. It's Percy.
00:49:50
Speaker
for breaking the rules at walking around after the curfew. And Draco conveniently appears and tells them to come back with him. And I forgot what kind of comment is made, but he didn't know that Goyle was able to read. He's like, why are you wearing glasses? He's like reading. He's like, oh, I didn't know you could read. Oh.
00:50:14
Speaker
ah We come to like the House of Slytherin and they're asking Draco about that the chamber. And Draco says, the last time the chamber was opened a mudblood died and he hopes this town be Hermione, which riles up Ron. And Harry's like, chill the fuck out, man. He also makes some comment about Dumbledore, which gets Harry mad. Oh, yeah. He's like, Dumbledore is the worst thing to happen to the school. And then Harry's like, you're wrong. He's like, who's worse than Dumbledore? And he's like,
00:50:46
Speaker
Harry Potter He's like, hey You're right. Fuck Harry We also find out here that Draco has no idea who's behind the murders Or who the heir to Slytherin is So like there goes that plan, huh? You thought you had him and Draco gets up and goes somewhere and Harry's scar starts to show up. So they run back to the bathroom And Hermione e still won't come out. They've transformed back into Harry and Ron and ah They open the bathroom stall door and Hermione's a furry Straight up turned into a cat because the hair that she got off Millicent's robes were cat hairs. You want to get a hair off my robe? Hey, yo, I'll pull your robe off off like the like the brand Don't get it to spray That's funny bug off
00:51:42
Speaker
Um, we cut to Ron and Harry who were saying, uh, her mind will be out of the hospital a couple of days. As soon as she stops coughing up hair balls. Right. And they find, uh, that moaning Myrtle flooded the bathroom and she's upset because someone threw a book at her. And Ron's like, well, it wouldn't really hurt cause it's a book and you're a ghost and it would just, and she gets mad at that. Um, but she doesn't know who did it get it through her stomach. 50 points if it goes through her head.
00:52:14
Speaker
ah Harry Potter finds the book on the floor and then it just cuts and he's in like his room or wherever by himself Yeah, and he's like flipping through with the book We find out here that it belongs to a Tim Marvolo riddle Tom Tom Marvolo riddle, god damn it fucking correct
00:52:39
Speaker
ah Harry knows the book is completely empty and he drops like a little drop of ink into the book and the page absorbs it like it just disappears It's like a cum rag just absorbs at all. Well You could probably still see my cum Well, if you're doing it on like a black rag No one on paper towel. Well, yeah, cuz it's like not a white text like, you know, it's like a Does yours have a hinge of like yellow? It turns yellow at sister for long enough. Well, yeah, especially like when the cocksock was underneath your bed and your dog got it. Are we talking about real real life? Yeah, your cum sock. I deny all claims of a cum sock. It's like the government with aliens. I don't I don't I deny it. I deny it.
00:53:29
Speaker
but but they're real. All right. so Harry writes in the book that he's Harry Potter and the book answer is that he's tom riddle and he asked tom about the chamber the book tom but chamber of secrets and tom says i can't tell you but i can show you babe you know you down for a little action or what you know i mean i can show you it sucks them in it sucks them you guys sucked into the book uh and we go back 50 years ago on june 13th
00:54:03
Speaker
ah Which is not Juneteenth because there are no black people in this movie um national heart better This is not me saying something crazy do better Harry Potter while all your fucking characters white We need more black people. and That's why the mercy is the closest to white which is Asian right? Cho who's not in the movie yet, but she can get a bad doing doing doing when we get there when we get there and assuming she's a legal age. Harry see, right, Harry sees Tom looking up the stairs and ah we watch a dead student get escorted out of Hogwarts. Dumbledore calls for Riddle and ah Tom asks Dumbledore if rumors are true and Dumbledore says yes and he fears he might have to close the school. But Tom has no fucking family, so where the fuck is he gonna go?
00:54:57
Speaker
Right. And Dumbledore asked the same question the same way he asked Harry if Riddle has anything to tell him. And Riddle says no. And then Dumbledore goes, all right, then. Right. Harry Potter follows Tom into some room, which I thought was the chamber where it's not. It's not the chamber, just some room where he finds Hagrid. Young, young Hagrid.
00:55:25
Speaker
Which is still a big name young Hagrid. I like it and but he's still tall as fuck So, you know, he's he's hanging that hog if it's true ah And They're talking about Aragog and Tom knows Aragog killed the dead girl's parents Hagrid denies it but I Tom hits him with the System Appario, I believe. I could be wrong. And an Aranya Exumia, which comes back later. Those are both in Alakazam. Alakazam. If you hate the way I'm pronouncing these, write in, call in, or watch the fucking movie yourself. I watched this movie like fucking last week.
00:56:19
Speaker
Right, so what it is and We see this spider crawl away, and that's when Harry Potter gets come shot out of the book back into real life ah We cut to Harry Potter telling Hermione rather Hagrid was the one that opened the Chamber of Secrets ah And Hermione like well we should go talk to him, and then he's right behind them boo And he's got the flesh eating slug repellent. Thank God. Thank what you know so they can show ocean with the mandrakes and ah Neville runs to Harry Potter and he's like dude you got to see this and their dorm room has been trashed and Scattered and yes, I thought about getting the sound clip from that song and I didn't fucking do it Okay, but I thought about it and scattered again. I'm feeling so cold all I have is ten spaces Okay, I need all of them all of them. Give me all your spots. Give me all your head Hermione so we go to this trashed room and And Hermione says it has to be a Gryffindor, obviously. Because no one knows the password. Right. And Tom Reel's diary is gone. Fuck. We cut to a Quidditch match, which is about to be between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, but McGonagall says the game is canceled. And she calls ah Harry and Ron ago with her to find Hermione, who has been petrified. She was also found with a mirror.
00:57:42
Speaker
So that's something to keep of note. Keep it in the back of your mind. ah Next scene, McGonagall lays out the new rules for the students. There's a curfew by six o'clock. All students have to be escorted to their classes by a teacher. And unless this culprit is caught, the school will be closed. This is my beef with this fucking movie, right? There's one person petrifying people and they have the greatest wizards to ever live. They ain't doing shit about it.
00:58:08
Speaker
Yeah. That is a problem, huh? And everyone's like, none of us are going to do it. Only Harry Potter. Not me. Not how much I need you. You, Harry Potter. You have to do it. Because I'm Dumbledore. I'm the greatest wizard ever. And I ain't going to do shit.
00:58:26
Speaker
Yeah, but Dumbledore- Sorry. Dumbledore knows that Harry's going to do it. That's a thing. You think Dumbledore could probably stop school shooters then?
00:58:37
Speaker
Dumbledore yeah, Dumbledore could be like a yo This guy's gonna shoot the school up. This guy's gonna school shoot the school up. I'm about to avada cadaver his ass But he doesn't because he knows Harry's gonna be there to save the day i don't know That's what' like it kind of feels like Dumbledore is getting Harry to his dirty work Call a dirty Harry a yo, that's a movie. I think yeah, it is with Clint Eastwood Clint I Shout out Clint Eastwood. But I think Dumbledore knows that Harry's going to do it because he's Dumbledore. Dumbledore knows all. He's not God. If Dumbledore knows it's Voldemort, right? So he wants Harry to stop Voldemort himself. Why? To get revenge. I don't like this. me Maybe Harry's the only one that can kill Voldemort.
00:59:36
Speaker
Why say maybe you don't know? Well, they don't say that Harry's the only person that can kill Voldemort. Right. Not here. Not here. Anyways. I don't know. I don't like the Dumbledore like do my dirty work for me. Dirty Harry. Yeah. Dirty Harry, huh?
01:00:01
Speaker
We cut, and Harry wants to go speak to Hagrid. So him and Ron sneak out in the invisibility cloak. Shout out. And they knock on the door, and Hagrid answers the door with a crossbow. They're like, dude, what the fuck, man? He's like, oh, ah I was expecting, uh, come in. I just made a pot of tea.
01:00:18
Speaker
And they're about to ask ah Hagrid who opened the Chamber of Secrets and Hagrid, well they do ask him that, Hagrid's about to answer when there's another knock. And it's Cornelius Fudgepacker,
01:00:33
Speaker
ah who is ah from the ministry and he wants to get involved and he wants to take Hagrid to Azkaban, which is a prison. Stay tuned for the next episode. It is a prison.
01:00:45
Speaker
ah While they're talking, Lucius arrives looking for Dumbledore and tells Dumbledore that the other governors and him have decided that, you know what, Dumbledore, you've lost your touch, bud. Time for you to step down. You're a little fucking old. And he says he's been suspended. Dumbledore agrees to step aside, but kind of weirdly, is just like, if anybody needs help, just ask for it.
01:01:09
Speaker
like Because I know he needs help you fuck because he looks at Harry and Ron like he knows that they're under the invisibility he looks at Harry's rod Yes. All right. It's like damn father like son, huh? Hung out here um Fudge takes Hagrid away and Hagrid's like well if anyone was looking for anything just follow the spiders and also feed fang my dog Because you know So they all leave Harry and Ron, uh, follow the spiders with Fang into the dark forest, not Hagrid's pubes. The actual dark forest. They are not manscaping Hagrid. Right. Which would be, you would need more than manscape. You need a fucking chainsaw. Which how old would it would that be if they had a commercial back in the day with Hagrid using manscape? Oi!
01:02:00
Speaker
Right? I mean, talk about the perfect guy that you needed. Hagrid, keeper of keys and games at Hogwarts. Shave your fucking balls. If I can shave my balls, anyone can. Yeah, right? ah They fall into the dark forest and they find Aragog. And he's like, who is it? And Harry's like, we're friends of Hagrid. And he's like, well, that's weird because Hagrid's never sent anybody to come visit me. And he thinks that ah They're lying. Practical effects here are good. Solid. You're terrified of spiders, right? Yeah, I fucking hate spiders. You little terrified ass? As a kid, this got the fuck out of me, dude. Fuck out of me. Yeah. I would fucking fast forward that shit through a VHS. Also, speaking of VHS, I had this movie on VHS, and then my dad got really mad at me one day, and he broke it. He literally stomped on it. Then what?
01:02:58
Speaker
And then... Why did he get mad? What did you do, you little fuck? I don't know. Dude, my dad would break all my shit. He broke my Harry Potter VHS tape. He broke my lightsaber. Why? Was he beating you with it? No, like, i I think he was just mad at me. So he took my lightsaber and he threw it down the basement stairs and that shit shattered. I remember that house.
01:03:18
Speaker
Yeah. And then you took the fucking VHS tape and you just stomped, literally stomped on it. I'll stomp on you. yeah Give me a fucking mud hole. Uh, so then yeah, stomp a mud hole in me, Steve Austin. Uh, so then.
01:03:33
Speaker
that Christmas afterwards to make up for it, they bought me Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on DVD. Well, you know what? At least he wasn't buying the books because he beat you with the books. pretty bad That would be pretty bad, huh? So Harry and Aragog are talking and Aragog is like, I never opened the Chamber of Secrets or had we never opened the Chamber of Secrets and I'm not the monster. And he's like, we don't talk about that.
01:03:59
Speaker
And Ron points out that the spiders are surrounding them. And Aragog here is like, I cannot deny my sons and daughters fresh meat. And they're about to be eaten when the car arrives. Shut up, car. Does it have an alien queen?
01:04:16
Speaker
Shut him out. Fuck cars. I like that movie. shut What's the blue car? Sally? Sally's fucking tight ass. What the fuck her tailpipe, you know what I'm saying? I do actually this time I do know what you're saying. That's a fuckable car. and If you're offended, it's not real. Literally not real. I mean, I can go fuck my car. Can I fuck your car's tailpipe? Yes.
01:04:40
Speaker
sick. I'm on my way. They're hitting this these spiders with the Arania Exumae and they almost escape or Exumae. Arania Exumae. Yeah, I think so. mine It looks like Mai, like Mai Tai, but it's Mai. Mai Tai. Mai Tai. They almost escape and a spider grabs Ron. Ron's inside the car and Harry hates it with another one of those Arania Exumae's. Yup.
01:05:07
Speaker
ah Car can't fly because it's the gear the flying gear is jammed, which is what I call it when I'm a constipated
01:05:16
Speaker
ah kiss
01:05:20
Speaker
ah And essentially they snapped the driving shaft I Don't wish don't yours. It's probably a bad idea to snap your shaft. Don't snap your shaft Do not recommend ask that you have see fire that has shaft snapped. Wait shaft is snapped Yeah, do you not know that you have a UFC fighter? I don't know which one he had his dick snapped while a girl was riding him his dick snapped. Oh my god. Oh off it just like snaps and then like the blood is just like your dick like turns purple I'm pretty sure. Oh my god. Sorry for all you male identifying people out there listening to this. I feel like our audience is mostly female to be honest with you. That's kind of hot. Sorry. You like that? Um, they snapped the shaft, but the card does take off and they are able to escape. Ron is pissed. They just went in there for nothing. But Harry says now we know Hagrid's innocent.
01:06:15
Speaker
he And he never opened the Chamber of Secrets. We cut to Harry, who's sitting with Hermione's petrified ass, but the fucker.
01:06:26
Speaker
He's holding her hand and- Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's literally like caressing her hands like, it's okay, baby. It's okay. Yeah, but you said that about Ron. You didn't say Harry. I mean, that would probably fuck her too, but I mean, they're they're all underage. This is not okay. They're gonna gangbang her corpse. He ain't fucking it. Not fucking it.
01:06:44
Speaker
They fucking it. Did he think about it? Probably definitely thought about it. All right. fair Does he have a little chubby under that fucking robe? Probably they find a piece of paper in her hand. That's ah basically literature on a this creature called a basilisk, which is a snake and Harry can hear it and it kills people with eye contact. So it's like Medusa about worse. Yeah, like Medusa turns you to stone. This motherfucker just kills you.
01:07:13
Speaker
That's it 86, but they're trying to figure out if it kills you in eye contact. How come these motherfuckers are only ah Petrified and I think I have here Hit us with it Steve They only saw the basilisks reflection Right so Collins saw it through the camera and Justin saw it through nearly headless Nick, Hermione saw it through the mirror that she was holding, and then Ron's like, what about Mrs. Norris? That motherfucker didn't have...
01:07:51
Speaker
a mirror or a camera. And then Harry's like, there was fucking water. The water. The water, Ron. You forgot about the water. ah And then it conveniently has the word pipes written on the piece of paper, which is how Hermione it thinks the snake is traveling around Hogwarts. They think also now the girl that died all those years, 50 years ago, not on Juneteenth because she's white, is moaning Myrtle.
01:08:19
Speaker
which really scratches the itch of all this stuff coming together nicely. We cut to McGonagall and Snape who say their message has been left and a girl has been taken and they don't come out and say it's Ginny Weasley but they fear it's Ginny Weasley.
01:08:37
Speaker
Also Ron and Harry are just listening to this whole conversation. Yeah, they're not hiding anything. They're just like but like me around the corner Yeah, you could easily just fucking see them and Snape's like lock are you fucking say, you know where the chamber is bruh? Where is it? Where that go get a McGonagall puts what's the hierarchy of Hogwarts? Is it Dumbledore McGonagall Snape? I believe so. Yeah All right, uh McGonagall puts lock are in charge of dealing with the monster um The message reads, her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever.
Chamber of Secrets Showdown
01:09:10
Speaker
That's the next message. That's deep. Harry Potter and Ron run to Lockhart's office to tell him what they know so he can fight the Basilisk.
01:09:20
Speaker
But guess what? He's packing up and leaving. I don't blame him. Fuck them kids. Fuck the chamber. Fuck it all. He is basically... ah yeah he's He's fleeing. He's a fraud. ah His books are all fake. But he's very good with memory charms. And he's made everybody forget that he's a fraud. And he tries to hit Ron and Harry with it. But he has to turn around to pick up his wand. And Ron and Harry are warned at the ready.
01:09:50
Speaker
Like they're fucking like it's all like pointing guns at each other. Right. So they make Lockhart go with them and talk to Monie Myrtle. They want to know how she died. She said she was crying in the bathroom and heard someone come in. I don't come in here. I'm taking a shit.
01:10:07
Speaker
She said it sounded like a boy speaking some silly made-up language is what she calls it aka parcel tongue aka a made-up language for this movie and she goes I'm gonna she's like I was gonna come out of the bathroom to tell him to go away and that's when I died and she doesn't know who it was but all she remembers are big yellow eyes what big eyes you have grandmother
01:10:32
Speaker
And she points to the sink and says that's where where the, uh, whatever was. Harry finds an engraving of a snake on the pipe of the sink. Oh, yeah. He was not piping down the sink. He found an engraving on the sink. Imagine that just fucking the fucking... It's like she's trying to explain what what happened to her. She's like, Harry, what are you doing? It just cuts to Harry's fucking sink.
01:11:05
Speaker
Got his dick in the drain. from
01:11:11
Speaker
Dick in the drain and the spouts in his asshole. but Yeah, the part you just like pull it up to clog the clogging. What is that shit called? Rule 34? Yeah. It all exists already. Okay. I think it's better not to get you so hard, but...
01:11:32
Speaker
um
01:11:36
Speaker
I don't even know where I was anymore. I walk her and Harry finds the engraving in the pipe. ah Harry speaks some parcel tongue to open the chamber. The sink separate and it opens this big gaping hole, which is not Harry's asshole because he was not fucking the sink. Right. Right. And they just like Sparta kick Lockhart down this hole first.
01:11:58
Speaker
Just you know in case they he dies, they want to know. And here's a little horny part for you. Myrtle tells Harry if he dies, they can share a toilet. Thanks. Yeah, but Harry's not fucking it. You know what I mean? Yeah, he ain't fucking it. So he ain't fucking it. Still funny.
01:12:17
Speaker
Ron and Harry jump down and they find the skin of the basilisk and this guy's got a piece 50 feet long well yeah pes on um ah Lockhart faints, or he fake faints, and he grabs Ron's wand, not his top. Yo, get your hands to yourself. And he goes to erase Ron and Harry's mind with obliviate, which is and another one of these alakazams. There you go. And he sends himself flying, because Ron's wand is broken. So if you learned anything from this episode, don't go grabbing broken wands. Don't go grabbing Ron's wand.
01:13:04
Speaker
Yeah. ah And ah the spell sends him flying and all these rocks come falling down and Ron and Harry gets separated. at Harry is closer to the Chamber of Secrets and Ron is blocked and he's stuck there with Lockhart who awakens and has no fucking idea what's going on. He's like, do you live here? And Ron's like, no, and then smacks him up the side of the head with a rock. No, it's fucking good.
01:13:30
Speaker
ah Harry tells Ron he's gonna go find Ginny Ace tells Ron to start working on clear a cleaner path from to get out um Harry comes upon a door that has like Snakes on it, but not like actual snakes like engravings of a snake, right? um And he speaks parcel time to open and the chamber opens and essentially that the Chamber of Secrets is a big-ass hallway with Snake statues and a dude engraved into the wall, right?
01:14:01
Speaker
Um, and we fought, he finds Ginny laying on the floor. Hot. Uh, he's not going to fuck her. Right. Yeah. It's Tom Riddle, uh, appears, uh, and he, Harry for some reason does not put together a Thomas evil here. We're just kind of fucking crazy. Right. He's like, Hey, help me.
01:14:23
Speaker
Hey, help me out, bro. But Tom Riddle, like what he sees is a memory that was preserved in the diary. And he's basically sucking life off of a ginny. He's kind of like Nosferatu. Yeah, he's just sucking her. Basically, he's just sucking her off. And Harry wants Tom to help him with the basilisk. And Tom is like, it'll come when it's called. And he takes Harry's wand.
01:14:47
Speaker
ah Give me my wand Tom we find out here that Ginny is ah Behind it all because Tom had possessed her Tom possessed her with the book And everything that's that's gone wrong That's like basically started his plan into place was because Ginny was possessed by him because she found the diary And when she tried to get rid of the diary That was it And Harry conveniently found the diary it was just like good luck for him that Harry found the diary and um And he was the one who framed Hagrid and he's basically like it's kind of an exposition dump But he's like set out to finish Salazar's work But his target enemy number one is Harry Potter not the mudbloods And we find out here that I forgot what the word is but like when a word spell something else he put like he spelt his name it's like I am Tom and
01:15:42
Speaker
but no It's Tom Marvolo ah Riddle turned into I am Lord Voldemort. It's an anagram. He's Lord Voldemort. He is the true heir of Slytherin. And he refused he changed his name because he refused to keep his muggle father's ah last name. Fox shows up. What's up, Fox? What's up, dude?
01:16:03
Speaker
ah And he drops off a hat for Harry, and Tom's like, that's fucking useful. Are you sure it's the sorting hat? Yeah, but it doesn't talk. Nah, he's scared. OK. Tom calls for the Basilisk, and it's about to fuck Harry up. ah But Fawkes comes back and pecks its eyes out. Shut up, Fawkes. Shout out to him. He's a goat. The Basilisk can still hear Harry. So Harry runs into this tunnel.
01:16:36
Speaker
And essentially, he gets trapped, but he's able to throw a rock, which makes some noise in a different direction, and the basilisk chases the the sound. Harry runs back to Ginny, not sure what his plan was here, but... ah to flocker sure ah The The basilisk pops right back up out of the the water, like right in front of him.
01:16:58
Speaker
And this is when a sword, we'll reveal the name of the sword in a minute, but where the sword, a sword appears in the hat that Fox had dropped off. So essentially, Harry grabs his sword. He climbs this wall. For no reason. Why are you climbing the wall? I think he was trying to get closer to it. He was trying to get to his head. Right. That's the key to life. Get to the head. Get to the head. Right? Because a fish rots from the head down. Does it really? Yeah. That's interesting. The gills are the first thing to rot. That's like when like a like when ah a company is corrupt. It's because they say a fish rots from the head down. It starts from the top. The top is corrupt.
01:17:38
Speaker
Everybody has to follow suit. Interesting. It is interesting. So this, this fucking John, this Basil, let's put the fuck Harry up and Harry stabs it through its face. I don't know. Like through the top of its mouth. Top of its mouth. And it goes, right what? It is able to plant a tooth right in his arm. That's bad.
01:18:01
Speaker
Which is about poison in it. Harry comes down from this wall and he collapsed from the bed from the the venom is like poisoning him and Tom is kind of just like laughing at him. But Harry on some baller shit pulls the tooth out of his arm and starts stabbing Tom's diary. And like the diary just starts like fucking projectile vomiting blood everywhere.
01:18:25
Speaker
ah Tom fades away and Ginny suddenly comes back to life. She's alive! harry i'm sorry Uh, and Fox returns and donates a tear to Harry's arm, which repairs Harry's arm.
Dumbledore's Insights and Lucius Malfoy's Scheme
01:18:45
Speaker
Because Phoenix tears and stealing powers. Right.
01:18:50
Speaker
we cut and Fox flies all them out of the chamber and We cut to Dumbledore's office where he's like, you know, you guys broke all the rules You should be expelled but you're gonna receive awards for service to the school ah And he orders Ron to tell his retarded owl to deliver release papers to Azkaban for Hagrid's release Thank God Harry's talking to Dumbledore and he's concerned because he thinks him and Tom are very similar because they both speak Parseltongue and Dumbledore Tells Harry here that Voldemort transferred some of his powers unintentionally do to Harry Potter When he tried to kill him he gave him the scar and essentially the big message here is that life is full of choices You know you can always make a choice ah And why did Harry go to Gryffindor because Harry asked to be put in Gryffindor exactly So basically
01:19:47
Speaker
You know, everything you do in your life, where you are right now, is because of the choices you made. Yuches! So, that is the the big message, okay? There's always a choice. Everything is choice. Choice, choice, choice. Yuches. The sword is now on ah Dumbledore's desk, and it is the sword of Godric Gryffindor. Which makes sense. Because the sword will appear for anybody who needs it most.
01:20:15
Speaker
I also forgot to mention the only reason why fox fox why am i struggling on this ah yeah ah the only reason why he showed up was because of Harry's undying loyalty to Dumbledore and he would only show up for someone who was set in stone 100% loyal to Dumbledore.
01:20:38
Speaker
um Any Lucius shows up with right with Dolby And we find out that Lucius threatened the families of the governor's they did not agree to suspend Dumbledore What a dick he asked about the culprit of all this Lucius does and Dumbledore tells him it was Voldemort acting to the means of somebody else Jenny um Basically, in this conversation, we find out that the book, The Diary of Tom Riddle, was intentionally placed in Hogwarts. So this is, um I guess, is considered an artifact of a muggle. Right. Right. But if if, I guess it's not, is it though? Because Voldemort is a pureblood, right? So he's not a muggle. Well, no, he's not a pureblood.
01:21:30
Speaker
He's a true adir he's a true heir to so he's a mudblood Right So why is he the true heir to Slytherin then when they want a pure blood did we just expose Harry Potter I think so Yo What the fuck? JK, probably you fucking racist ass. Let us know. This is this part. I enjoy the this part of the movie. It's like almost the end of the movie. But yeah, it's a good scene. Good scene. Good scene. Good scene. Good things. Good things.
01:22:03
Speaker
ah ah Lucious, Lucious, Yeats, Dobby, like throws them out out of the obviously we're leaving and
01:22:15
Speaker
Harry asks Dumbledore for the diary, and he runs out to Lucius and gives Lucius the diary. Lucius, I guess, is like Tony Stark and doesn't like to be handed things, so he hands it to Dolby. Dolby. And he basically accuses Malfoy with everything I just said about placing the book in Ginny's corner. He says he... and What? That's what he says!
01:22:40
Speaker
No, he's in her cauldron. Is that what he said? Right, because at the beginning of the movie, when they put you could watch Lucius like he's holding the book and then he puts the book in. Ginny's cauldron and at the book signing, there was no culture, the book signing. I care. I promise you. I promise you. Why did Ginny have a whole ass cauldron at a book signing? It's like what they carry. It's like a purse to them.
01:23:05
Speaker
Okay. Anyways, he slipped to the book, not Rufy. He slipped it in her cold drain, if you know what I'm saying. yeah God damn it. And while he was slipping that, Harry slipped a sock into the diary, which Dolby finds, and Dolby is now free. Dolby has granted Dolby a sock.
01:23:29
Speaker
And Lucius literally goes to a vodka diver, this motherfucker. Literally, he's about to fucking kill Harry straight cold blood in Dumbledore's office, pretty much. Right, which is crazy. And Dobby saves him. ah And Dobby is very thankful for Harry
Ending Events and Movie Ratings
01:23:45
Speaker
freeing him. And he goes, just do me one favor, never try to save me again, which is like this whole fucking movie.
01:23:51
Speaker
Foreshadowing right we cut to the dining hall her mind her mind he's back ah She hugs Harry has a weird awkward handshake with Ron ah They congratulate madam palm free and professor sprout for their mandrake potion Dumbledore cancels the exams it's very childlike to do in this movie Uh, Hagrid arrives, there's like a cheery, teary-eyed clap for him. And that is Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Alakazam. Alakazam. What are you giving this movie? Mean three and a half. Three and a half. It's good. It's better than first for sure. Yes.
01:24:36
Speaker
So being my favorite Harry Potter movie- I did rate this a four star last year. It's a three and a half this year. Oh, you downgraded it? I guess ah I don't know. I guess I did. So this being my favorite Harry Potter movie, it would only make sense for me to give it a five star.
01:24:53
Speaker
I don't know if I, like you wrote in your review, it's nostalgia based, I'm guessing, but- Yeah, it's probably nostalgia based, but that's okay. and You know what? It's all subjective. Rating movies is subjective. It's all fucking subjective. Right. If you don't like us, go fuck yourself and listen to another podcast, you know? No, stay here. Stay here, please. We love you. Unless you drink Diet Coke. Kisses. Right. If you want them. ah We'll do a consensual kisses for sure. So follow us on Instagram, TwoGuysOneScreenPod. Send any comments, concerns, movie requests to TwoGuysOneScreenPod at gmail dot.com.
01:25:31
Speaker
Send a voicemail to us that we will listen to live on air to with guess with kisses for 508fistus. Follow us on letterboxed and follow us on TikTok while you still can. Two guys, one screen pod. Trump save TikTok, please. Links will be in the description.
Upcoming Episodes Preview
01:25:52
Speaker
Uh, like we mentioned before, we are recording this in December. Uh, and this is not scheduled to come out until March, so a lot can change. But according to the schedule we have right now, uh, next week you'll be getting a double review, a back to back feature of Winnie the Pooh blood and honey one and two get Excited for that, guys. I really hope that on this watch, you realize what I'm saying, that there's not that much of a difference between one and two. I really don't think I will, though. I think you're wildly fucking wrong. One is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I just have to say its they're both bad.
01:26:38
Speaker
you think Did you give did you give to a positive rating? I gave it a three and a half. You're a fucking lunatic. Hey, I'll see what happens this time, OK? Yeah, you will in three months from now. Oh, yeah. All right. ah We'll see you next time. We'll see you next week. ah Prisoner of Azkaban comes out the week after. We're putting these episodes out every two weeks so you don't get burnt out on the Potter.
01:27:08
Speaker
on Harry's Potter ah We'll see y'all next week toodles. Fuck you mark little bitch