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Ep 102: Hackers
65 Plays3 months ago
Like Super Mario Bros from July, this is one of the movies that inspired Derrick to start the podcast back in 2022, so what better time to discuss it than the day after its 29th anniversary? Johnny Lee Miller stars as a cool little hacker kid, Zero Cool, all growed up into a cool hacker teen, Crash Override. After being barred from using the internet because of crimes he committed, he turns 18, immediately starts committing cyber crimes again, and hooks up with a group of other cool hackers, including Matthew Lillard and Angelina Jolie, to form Captain Hack the Planet! They end up battling against a ruthless skateboarding hacker named The Virus, played by Fisher Stevens, to stop his nefarious plans, all while cyberbullying a Secret Service agent.
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Transcript
Introductions and Banter
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back for another movie that inspired me to start this podcast. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Jack. This bad movie is worse people. What the fuck? Like, did you just go into sex operator mode? I'm Whitney. I can meet you in a taxi cab. This is my type type hacker voice. Exactly. Time for sexy Internet talky talk. This is how I talk on the phone.
00:00:55
Speaker
I did hear your wife get her customer service voice on when she was ordering popcorn. Hi, I'll have a large please. Thanks. It's like, you know, she should be giving you that voice. You go up there and just fucking slap your big dick down in order of a popcorn. Is that like getting your roll on? Get your roll on. Get your roll on. Get your freak on. Get your customer service voice on. Get your motherfucking. I get doesn't fit. Too many symbols. Yep. Yep. It's going to be good talky talky. It is. And he's the sober one. He doesn't drink anything today.
00:01:28
Speaker
I only ate one pound of mushrooms. Let's do this. Oh, man. No, I'm just doing ecstasy like everybody in this movie without telling us. Is that what's happening? I think so. Is that what's going on? Did you see it? Yeah.
Discussing 'Hackers' Movie
00:01:40
Speaker
The guy the guy doing the wardrobes on ecstasy. Yes. So I haven't seen this many fucking wallet chains since first, like the first 311 tour. So many fucking metal chains. I haven't seen this many wallet chains since I was in high school. Yeah, I wore one so I can throw these bullets.
00:01:57
Speaker
Throw in bullets. Why would you throw bullets? I don't know. Interesting. Well, you don't want to kill me, buddy. You just want to scare them away. It's going to hurt you real bad. The movie we're talking about, by the way, is 1995's Hackers. direct Directed Directed Directed. You're keeping that in. I should have. I should have drank. You should have. See what happens now. See what happens. duka Now I'm drinking Matthew Lillard whiskey. Yeah. This is Matthew. Cheers. Tell me about it real quick.
00:02:24
Speaker
It's called Rogue, and it's from his whiskey brand Quest End, which is a pretty good whiskey, putting in really fancy bottles and sold for too high of a price to nerds like me who want to drink D and&D whiskey. it's it's It's almost a little bit of Irish whiskey. I don't know. and It's got a little more spice on it, though. Yeah. I like it. Amber says it just burns.
00:02:49
Speaker
But it's that good, good burn. You're wrong about how you feel. You're incorrect about what your mouth is feeling. I like the way that tastes. Wrong. It's just burning and swallowing all those negative thoughts away. All the anxieties. That's what the burn is. The more anxieties you have, the more it burns. I never knew a whiskey burnt. There it is. That's why I drink barrel-proof whiskey. I got to burn all that. A lot of anxieties, baby. Yeah. Big beat. But yes, so this is directed by a guy named Ian Softly.
00:03:15
Speaker
sure Yeah, who also directed a couple things not much, but the only one I recognized was k-pax Which is. Oh, Kevin Spacey alien. Maybe he is. Maybe he is. And but he definitely is. And it was written by a. Do this. Give me your notes. I'll fucking read your goddamn notes from here on out. This is going to be forever in a day. It was written Jackson in a hurry, guys. It was written by a guy named Rafael Moreau, who the only other things he wrote were The Rage, Carrie Two and the some episodes of The Lone Gunmen. OK.
00:03:52
Speaker
Which was the X-Files spinoff. I mean, the writing of this movie is mostly just like, tell me where to rollerblade. Tell me when to type. He types in like cool 90s words and then like types in hacky montage. I do want to talk a bit about the wardrobe. It is an exaggerated version of the 90s. I never lived in New York, especially in the 90s. So I don't know. Is Matthew Lillard's outfit like on point at all?
00:04:17
Speaker
I think he's going with a combination of like like what middle aged white men thought like rave culture was and also throwing in some like punk rock stuff because these guys are presumably older. Yeah. So that's what they're thinking. They're like, I don't know, punk. They wear things they found and mix them together.
00:04:33
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, there's probably a culture of that in New York, but Matthew Lillard's got a not only techno called a rave culture, like you said, little punk rock, a little Mad Max. Yeah, he's a little fucking nomadic wanderer. I mean, he's wearing a fucking pilot's cap in parts of this. Well, he is a nomadic wanderer because he doesn't have a home.
00:04:50
Speaker
Oh, nailed it.
90s Culture and Fashion
00:04:51
Speaker
That's right. Why doesn't he have a home? His mom doesn't like him. Because his parents are, they miss the Woodstock era, so they're going back or whatever. Oh man, they just left him in New York to be like the Moorlocks under the subway, the mole people. Yeah, he's too pretty for that. Look, he's couch surfing and internet surfing. I love it. You're going to hear us talk very lovingly about Matthew Lillard. I love him so hard. I'm not sure about you, buddy. I love Matthew Lillard. All right, good.
00:05:14
Speaker
That's why we're drinking his whiskey. I'm the one that actually told him about this whiskey. She's like, hey, this whiskey exists. And I was like, it's like one hundred and fifty dollars. And she was like, you should buy it. That's one hundred and fifty dollar whiskey. Yeah. just Take back what you said about it. It's way more than it's it's not. It's not worth that much. But, you know, names, fancy bottles, no regrets. Yeah, it's definitely we also have another one on order.
00:05:38
Speaker
I got I got the four pack of the first four they're gonna release Completion once I open a bottle of whiskey I have to finish it Yeah, so this movie does fit directly into what we're doing here, and it's one of those ones I were hacking And no bad movies because so it's one of those ones I'd heard other people talk about on other movie podcasts multiple times. It's one of the ones I think everybody talks about. But every time I heard people talk about it, they ended up with fuck this movie. I hate this movie. I wish it didn't exist when I was like, you're wrong. I know you said it. Ninety ninety five find five. I haven't seen this since ninety five.
00:06:12
Speaker
Really? I have always seen it like seven or eight times. This is not in my repertoire of rewatches. This is one I watched probably when it went to VHS, maybe even 96. I'm going to drop some shit down on the end. And then never worked it again. Oh, you're going to drop some shit on them? Yeah. Did you say shit? I did. Allow me to pretend to be a table. Let me get on the glass table first. My mom fucking loves this movie and we watched it once a year. Rad.
00:06:39
Speaker
rad We should watch that movie, too. I say he's the word rad because there is rollerblading all over this. Yeah, dude, one of the outfits that this guy, what's a Dade? Stupidest name in the funny. Lee Miller, also known as Mr. Angelina Julie.
00:06:53
Speaker
OK, for four years, sure for four years. But there's a couple of his outfits. where I'm like, yep, I rocked that to school. Those plaid pants, those fucking TRS lightning roller blades over his shoulder and that wallet chain. I didn't bleach my hair much because it didn't take, but I definitely put tiger stripes in it. ah But this movie costs 20 million dollars to make. Worth every penny. Does anybody want to guess how much it made? Seven. Fourteen. Whitney is closest without going over. Seven point five million. yeah You win both showcases, girl. 7.5 million is said US, Canada, and worldwide. So I don't know if it didn't go worldwide or if nobody watched it outside the US.
Plot and Character Analysis
00:07:33
Speaker
I don't understand why. I mean, like it's it was a blast.
00:07:37
Speaker
i I mean, everybody I knew had seen this movie, but I don't think anybody saw it in theaters. I think everybody watched it on VHS. see that and That was my memories. I don't think I ever went and saw some theaters or heard about it. It was a blockbuster. Like what else are we going to watch? I think I saw it on TV. We already watched Johnny Mnemonic. It's just the same. We got to keep the theme going, dude. Clackety clack. du What's after that is a virtuosity.
00:08:02
Speaker
Just keep it going. I never saw that one. Oh, pretty good. Scott, your boy Russell Crowe, the Australian. No, Russell Crowe and Denzel. Wait, I'm like, so which one does it have? Gerard? No, it's actually Russell Crowe, the Australian. Okay. Sorry, I fucked with him too much. I know, now I don't know who's who or what's what. I don't know what reality is. Just remember, Russell Crowe is fighting cancer. Okay. Oh, chugga! Yeah. I'm flying around between circuit boards here, man. What? It's a South Park joke. Oh. Oh, I'm gonna go beat up cancer. Yeah, Russell Crowe goes around the world fighting people, and then he decides to fight cancer, but he can't find cancer, so he fights a cancer patient instead. It's a classic South Park. Oh, adult stuff. Uh-huh. So the movie starts in Seattle in 1988 with a slow motion suburban SWAT raid.
00:08:51
Speaker
Yeah. I looked over at Jack and I was like, I really hope and wish that they filmed this in the neighborhood without telling anybody that what was happening. Because the dude that's watching his firebird is selling it where he's like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. I would love to see everybody else. Like, Harold, what's going on across the street?
00:09:08
Speaker
Yeah, I would love seeing this shit. dude I would pull the fucking chair. Yeah, popcorn. Yeah, I might pull out my gun and keep it down low just in case I feel like I'm part of the guys. I'd probably smoke a joint because they're already busy. And we cut to a courtroom and it's this kind of dumb but funny to me when I was probably 11 when I saw this reveal of like panning across the faces of all these people in the courtroom while this lady's talking about all the crimes this person committed. And then the camera stops because there's no one in frame. You can see spikes of the tips of his hair. And then, yeah, then it tilts down to this little, like, 11-year-old kid. Shit bird. So the first time I saw it, i think I thought it was going to be somebody with their head down. Like, his hairdo, like, he's got his head straight on the desk, and it's like, oh, he's just not into this. Yeah. But no.
00:09:53
Speaker
He's a little. He's a little kid. He was 11 years old. Who hacked one thousand five hundred and seven systems and did something something Wall Street. Yeah. Crash some fucking system, something, something. White people lost money. He made Wall Street go down seven points or something, whatever that means. And so they find his parents forty five thousand dollars. I'm like, I don't know what seven points means, but I think it's more than forty five thousand. Yeah. i Forty five thousand dollars, man.
00:10:24
Speaker
Put this kid in some camp breaking rocks. I didn't I didn't write down who this kid was because he's in this one shot. Yeah, but not even a line, right? Dave Murphy, Zero Cool and or Crash Override. He's got three names in this movie ah is played by Johnny Lee Miller, like what he said.
00:10:41
Speaker
who people would probably know from
Thematic Elements and Humor
00:10:43
Speaker
Trainspotting. Yes. Maybe elementary because he was Sherlock Holmes on the show elementary for seven or eight years or so. I tell you, we watched it all. but I don't remember. His dialect coach is definitely Christopher Lambert because he's hiding a thick Scottish accent. And it comes out sometimes like OK. It's everything is OK. It's my girlfriend. It's my girlfriend. Yeah. Go watch Trainspotting and try to understand anything anybody's saying. And then watch this. You could see why he had to. Will you hack the planet? I'm from Seattle. He's doing his best ah Benedict Cumberbatch. Yeah, yeah. It's it comes across. I'm so American, guys. I like jazz. Oh, it got a little just to the bottom. Yeah, it's OK. I like jazz. I like it. No, I don't. My breakfast is mostly made of sugar.
00:11:32
Speaker
Hey, you know who I like is that serial killer guy. He's got it right. Killing Fruit Loops. Yeah. Oh, speaking of sugar for breakfast, what does he have for breakfast? Fucking Coke. Not cocaine, like Coca-Cola, which is all over this movie. Yeah, there's Coca-Cola all over this. Dude, it is at one point. What's your name?
00:11:52
Speaker
Yeah, she's <unk> in this movie, by the way, she's sitting down in a chair and somebody leans in like kind of out of frame, but puts their arm next to her and they put that coke label out for no good reason. Oh, and and on top of the $45,000 fine, he's banned from any computers or touch tone phones until his 18th birthday. He's over there fucking calling up shorties on the rotary. And we cut to his 18th birthday. And what's he doing right away? He got a happy type. be type Yep, internet techy type. It's hackery. And the opening theme song, Whitney was jamming out too, even though I know her to hate techno. I do hate techno, but it was Crystal Method. But, no, the opening song is not Crystal Method. Oh. The opening song is Orbital, Halcyon, On and On. I guess you didn't know. I didn't know. Of course you didn't know. That's later in the- I guess you didn't know. That song, it's not that song. No, it's not. It's Crystal Method is later in this. That's the techno song. Either that or Sandstorm Darude.
00:12:46
Speaker
I only know this song's name because it's also, I believe, the outro music, like the credits music on Mortal Kombat, which also came out that year. Well, I also love the soundtrack to Spawn. Does that have a lot of techno? Yep. I remember New Metal.
00:13:02
Speaker
<unk>s got tech technology i'd say i'm sure crystal methods so we're talking we'll talk about the music let me say this We've talked about shows or movies before that do not drip with the right music. Correct. Like you're trying to be 90s nostalgic. This hits it. Yeah. This is whether you like techno or not. Well back then I did because I was going to rate. Sure. But I'm saying it for myself. Well, I'm not a huge techno fan by any means. But there are some of these ones that I know so well that I'm having a good time because I know it's only a 15, 30 second clip of it. Yeah. But it's hitting the music I want from a 90s movie, especially a 90s movie about hacker kids who are hanging out in raves. That's all they're trying to do an 80s movie without logins. Get fucked.
00:13:39
Speaker
Like when they go to Cyber Delia, which is basically the place where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or the Foot Clan is hanging out in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was waiting for a fucking young, unknown Sam Rockwell to pop out. Oh, it's not. They built that shit. They were in England and they built that whole set in some abandoned pool that was also a national landmark, question mark. Ooh, big question mark on that pal. Yeah, I don't. Even the guy, I don't know if it was the director or the set designer, because I read a little thing where he was talking about it. He's like, for some unknown reason, this is a national landmark. So we had to be very careful not to destroy anything. Let's put a skate park in it. So, yeah, he's hacking. He's taking over a TV station. He does call into this guy to get the phone number for the modems. And it's it's funny because it's the 90s and this guy does nothing about computers. He's like, I turn it on, I type.
00:14:28
Speaker
Well, he calls it dropping names. He's like, I'm Eddie Vetter. Yes, I'm Mr. Eddie Vetter. I need the AOL number. My D.L.T. drive went AWL. Uh-huh. I mean, you can't say AWOL. No. All right. Because he's trying to be that much of a nerd. I love that he cuts off this dude. He cuts off because he's on like ah presumably public access. Yeah. And it's just some Alex Jones esque motherfucker yelling at the TV about American Indians and Latinos. So-called American Indians. So-called American Indians. Latinos and blacks are of inferior genetic stock and blah, blah, blah. Right off. But it's this big old fat dude, too, which just reminds me of the memes going around when Trump was elected and all these guys started wearing Nazi uniforms in public and just being thinking they were cool. There was that giant blob of a human. There's that big fat dude with the little hat with the spike on it. And it was like, this guy thinks he's genetically superior to anyone. Yeah. The guy has no chin. It was great.
00:15:24
Speaker
Go look it up. I'm sure you can find it. Oh, he doesn't want a chin. He thinks it's a Chinese name. He's racist, dude. ah But, yeah, so yak, yak, yak, get a job. He shuts this dude off for the outer limits, which is a better choice, much better. And he gets hacked. So his computer screen is all black and green as computers, very dark, computers where suddenly you've got like graphics and flashy stuff and all this stuff going on because hacker and this other person, acid burn, is interrupting and they have a ah tape off.
00:15:58
Speaker
And there was a TV fight. I mean, they're trying to they they're changing the tapes, right? They're changing what's on TV. But what we see is these two little TV robots just taking the same tape back and forth. And that's all the best way to describe about it. tv yeah Is this how TV channels worked? I think it's probably pretty accurate because like you had everything on.
00:16:19
Speaker
You didn't have hard drives that were going to hold all this stuff. Sure. Like now they're just playing it all digitally used to be a person. And they're like, now we got a robot it for that. I'm sure especially a big station probably had, you know, I need tape number B 17. And it was like. And this this movie is definitely leaning on the.
00:16:37
Speaker
ah Technology taking over and making man a little bit obsolete. Yeah, you know they're lying later like switch the the Switch the ballast control the manual that doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, which which it would it does it's called a fail safe. Yeah Yeah, but he had to protect his worm But they have a little fight. That's why you wear a cup. She's doing a condom. You know what? Yeah, I accept that answer. She she being acid burn, which we don't know yet, but it's Angelina Jolie. Sure. What? She's typing in the most annoying 90s type shit that I hated when you were chatting with people. Just you are and B and four and like the number four like fuck off.
00:17:18
Speaker
Yeah, you're not that clever. You're not that cute. It's not saying she is that cute. It's not saving you very much time, especially if you're supposed to be a hacker. You can type fast. You can type a re. That's her show off. She's like, look, I don't need your fucking
Favorite Scenes and Personal Stories
00:17:30
Speaker
language. I got my own. Yeah, I think that was kind of a thing. People were just like because I chatted on the Internet with people all the time. Mostly, I think people my age, as far as I know, and yeah ASL all the time.
00:17:43
Speaker
Oh, yeah. All over. asbe Yeah. Yeah. That's what I did. I had fucking you. Do I fucking get you off my buddy list so quick when he would have hated me because on AOL and some messenger, my little you you'd have the little logo in the corner of the little picture, a little gift that would play. yeah Mine was Peter Griffin on the ground holding his knee and just rocking back and forth. It doesn't have the sound, but it's an endless loop of Peter just rocking back and forth. You can hear that image, dude. I can hear it. And I would just block.
00:18:11
Speaker
and another timeline you guys never met yep but she ends up kicking him off the thing connection terminated and he just yells at his computer shit on me sorry shit on me oh shit on me ah Somebody say, oh, we already did that joke. I could pretend to be the table. I did yoga. Just say it. I'm kind of bindi. So we meet his mom who's played by Alberta Johnson and I did not recognize i recognized her, but I think it's just because I've seen this movie. The only thing I thought of and I'm pretty sure it's not her is Terminator 2. No. Your stepmom's dead. mo No, I don't think so. I didn't see that. That's yeah that's just who but that's who I thought of. What the fuck is your stepmom's dad? In Terminator 2, Edward Furlong is, well, obviously it's not his real mom, it's his foster parents. They call and they're like, the dog's barking and what's got woofy, what's your dog's name? Max, why is woofy barking? The foster parents are dead. The foster parents are dead. Come with me if you want to shit. Somebody say. Good. She's back. It looks like she was in a bunch of La Femme Nikita, but- Oh, the show? Yeah. Okay. I didn't recognize as much else on her credits. Yeah. Talk about USA. She played Madeleine slash Madeleine A.I. So that character comes back as A.I. Yeah, I didn't watch the show. I watched wrestling and it was always on right after wrestling because they're like, stay tuned for La Femme Nikita, sexy sex stuff. And I was like, you little boys not have porn, but still want to play with your pee. I think that was the plan. But to me, I was like, well, the men in underwear are done rubbing against each other. Why would I kiss say to? And I turned it off. I'm not feeling very sexy right now. I just watched fucking, what's his name? Brutus Beefcake. Slam the fucking British Bulldog. She's kind of talking shit about him because she's on the phone, pretending to be on the phone. I don't know. Looked like she was really on it. Yeah. She's like, yeah, he's been on the computer all night, all week. ah Yeah, he could be playing with himself.
00:20:09
Speaker
I don't know. Let me ask him dad. Oh, OK. No, she's pretending to call somebody. Oh, she does start with like, can I get the electricity just turned off to his room so he'll go to fucking sleep? Yeah. OK, I took it as she she wasn't selling me on a fake combo. That sarcasm should be dripping.
00:20:27
Speaker
But it does kind of establish that they have a good relationship, even though he kind of ruined her life. I mean, because like guess after all that should happen, then his parents got divorced and well separated and then together and then divorced.
00:20:40
Speaker
Now, I mean, he did choose to live with her. So I guess she's the good one. I mean, boys will be but the kid. know The custody was being forced upon them. I don't want this kid. I don't want this kid. ah One of you has to take this kid. No, they say he chose. I know. But mine's funnier. OK. If the court just forced custody upon you. This is your kid now.
00:20:59
Speaker
I don't want this, though. Does anybody in the courtroom want this kid? A kid just looking around like anybody? Anybody? What's your internet connection like over there? I want to know after seven years of not playing on computers and how much shit expanded, like how fast your quick technology moves. How did he just I don't. I mean, I was thinking about that while we were watching this, but also like technology changes at like an exponential rate. So at first it's a lot slower. Like now it's like year to year. You can't keep up. But back then, I mean, back then they were impressed by a twenty eight point eight modem, which he could easily. So he could easily have magazines for like Wired or whatever the fuck is out from eighty eight to ninety five.
00:21:43
Speaker
That's a huge he just kept watching them or I mean, or he fucking still got on the Internet. Yeah. I mean, he could just go to the library or somebody's house and just not sign in as zero cool.
00:21:53
Speaker
Yeah. Which is a great handle, by the way. Because you have zero cool. I very much like it. Yeah. Yeah, because your nickname is Zero. I mean, when I was a kid, I liked it because some of my screen names were Zero Cool, like 69 or something. What a nerd. I do not like his other name, Crash Override. Well, he had to come up with one on the spot. Come up with something better than that. How else are you going to have Crash and Burn, man?
00:22:17
Speaker
But so he meets he goes to school the next day, he meets Angelina Jolie and immediately has weird sexy daydreams. Like at the beginning, he's having these really weird like hallucination cutaway things like the TV stations because it's him being at home watching TV or being online all day. So now he sees her lips and he's like, oh, let me think of all the other lips I've jacked off to before.
00:22:39
Speaker
Like he's having just this weird fucking reaction of replaying all the arousal in his mind. Yeah, that's dropped pretty quick. Yeah, it happens in the first couple because now he's not looking at that stuff online. He's looking at her now. He jacks off to her for real. Yeah, for just has wet dreams. Well, potato, potato. Well, wet dreams are involuntary. Are they are they are they? I guess it depends on if you're doing like that. I don't know. I've had some where I'm like, fuck.
00:23:05
Speaker
Lucid dreams? Yeah, lucid dreams. That's what I was trying to think of. Don't look at me in that tonal voice.
Casting and Film Trivia
00:23:11
Speaker
Well, yeah, so he's she's showing him around the school. She's like, this is your class. You mean I'm not in your class? No, no, you're not. Definitely are not in my class. Burn, crash, burn. Don't forget to talk about the pool, man.
00:23:25
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. The old pool trick sends them up to the roof for the Olympic sized pool and all the nerds are up there. I thought for a second she was going to do like the, uh, there's a pool up there. Why don't you take your clothes off and I'll meet you up there in no time. And there's everybody just watching him. And conveniently when he gets locked on the roof, it starts raining.
00:23:43
Speaker
Well, do you know it's you know, you know, it's you know, you know, you know, and it rains a little song. Man, I know. I'm the best at the talkie talks today. It's crazy. Well, yeah, he goes up there, it rains on him and he comes back down and she's like, looks like you found the pool. He actually found it, dude. Oh, but he gets them. He gets some good. Get real good. Well, first he's in class switching his.
00:24:09
Speaker
All of his classes his classes to hers. And that's when we get Freak, who's the actor's name. I do not know. Renoli Santiago. Renoli Santiago. We do know from. ah ah We just talked about. And dangerous minds dangerous minds. Conair, more importantly. Yeah. Because he's got that dress like gives him the N16. Go scratch somebody's eyes out. Well, because I'll i'll sit down and watch Con Air just about any day of the week. Yep. I might watch Dangerous Minds sometime, but probably I'll probably watch it one more time in my life. Yeah. And be OK. It's very much like Ferris Bueller's Day off.
00:24:41
Speaker
I probably don't ever need to watch that again. Yeah. But if I did, i'm I'm not mad if I do, but I'm not rushing out to see it. Same with Dangerous Minds, dude. If I came over here and you had it on, I'm like, cool. I'll watch this fucking chick give candy bars to her kids. Diabetus. I remember loving Dangerous Minds back in the day. You know why? That fucking banging ass Coolio song.
00:25:02
Speaker
so small enough never'm hearing And we got from that the Weird Al Banger. Yeah. Amish Paradise. Amish Paradise. And now your turn. um in Yes. ah Wow. I don't know why it's. ah Michael McDonald. No. Well, yeah, that's not who I was thinking of, though. That guy that sings all weird. Aaron Neville. Yeah, there you go. ah That's what I was thinking of. thank you And that may be. after been scan and brushed out last stephen here a but every If my mama thinks that my mind is gone.
00:25:42
Speaker
because I've been laughing and rapping so long. Oh, my God. Yeah, so they they're leaving class freaks trying to talk to him. They also meet ah Joey, who's played by Jesse Bradford, who was sponsored by Marlboro. He was in Bring It On. Bring It On swim fan flags of our fathers.
00:26:04
Speaker
I don't know. The only one i on his list of credits that I have seen is Bring It On, and I couldn't tell you who he was in that. he's He was the guy. He's the brother that Kirsten falls in love with. Oh, OK. I don't remember that storyline either. I remember people were doing cheerleading stuff with Elijah Dushku.
00:26:22
Speaker
Was she in that? It's her brother. I literally don't remember anything. Yeah, and I've never seen it. I remember watching it. There was cheerleader dancing. You can't make me. I think I can. yeah Next week we're doing an episode on... bri calling I'm calling my union rep. I'm unionizing podcasts, dude. i we'll do How about we do that next year for Shipper Month?
00:26:41
Speaker
Because they're all in high school. If we do that, I get to give you guys one to torture you with. OK. Oh, speaking of them. I'm going to think about it though. Speaking of those people all being in high school, these people are all supposed to be in high school. Jesse Bradford is 16. They're all seniors, except for Jesse. Jesse Bradford, Joey is 16. Everybody else, I think Johnny Lee Miller was 23. Angelina Jolie is 21. Matthew Lillard is like 24. Yeah.
00:27:06
Speaker
They did a good job because they're all playing 18 year olds. At least they're not in their 30s like Toby. Fucking. Well, they have to do at least Angelina Jolie has to be playing an 18 year old. Yeah, showing off her nerves. Yeah, her beautiful, beautiful. tip Oh, that was three. Was there three? I think we get a flash on another one, but definitely two.
00:27:23
Speaker
I was there for that. So they go to cyber Delia, which is just trying to get a fucking sandwich. Yeah, it sounds like you just download delicious sandwiches. Ruben dog. And we meet Matthew Lillard there who plays serial killer ah Eugene Bradford or some shit, but it doesn't seem.
00:27:42
Speaker
Eugene Bradford is Ziggy. Ziggy is Iggy. Yeah. Right, Iggy. Yeah. Fisher Stevens is Eugene. OK. He's something Goldstein. Emmanuel. Emmanuel, yeah. But you only hear that in class. And that could be a fake name. And after that, it's all serial killer. Yeah. Or serial. Because he eats Fruit Loops.
00:28:02
Speaker
Yep. um Who's I guess and this is one of those stupid things. So most of the trivia about this was based on people who just love the idea of hackers, not the movie, but hackers in general. So it was all just like, well, this computer thing was real and that was this. But apparently serial killer is based on a real hacker who went by the name Cap'n Crunch. Oh, OK.
00:28:22
Speaker
I wonder if he helped write the script. No, he never got caught. There was a real hacker who was a consultant, an uncredited consultant. There you go. Well, yeah, he'd have to wait. Was he anonymous?
00:28:36
Speaker
But yeah, I mean, Matthew Lillard, if you don't know from Scream, ah SLC Punk, My Fantasies, Thirteen Ghosts, Scooby Doo. Yeah, I guess I could say that because he's the best part of that first one is really good. And you know who did that? It's James Gunn. He wrote it and then it was taken away and rewritten. But yeah. Oh, OK. But it still remains as a good movie. Well, I haven't seen in a while. Yeah. But I remember when it came out, I was very much against it and then loved it. Also, it's got Linda Carlini. You know, I mean, come on. Well, yeah, come on. It's got Linda Carlini. It's got Buffy. It's got Matthew Lillard. It's got Buffy. I could watch Matthew Lillard and Linda Carlini go on.
00:29:16
Speaker
whatever adventures they want to. Dude, I saw this great clip, like a reel or something. Can they also be Velma and Shaggy? It's up to them. I'm not going to force that. But I saw this reel of some part of some interview where it's like talking to Sarah Michelle Geller about that movie. And she's like, oh, you know, it's just like it's a very original cartoon that had like ideas of themes. And she's given it all this like weight. And then it cuts to Freddie Prinze Jr. He's like, it's got a talking dog.
00:29:42
Speaker
Cut, print, wrap. Her husband's not the brightest tool in the shed. He's a handsome boy. They're still married too. 27 years. You say that as if I would know or care. 27 years. The
Technology and Nostalgia
00:29:55
Speaker
only reason I know Johnny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie were married is because you've told me and the trivia told me that it was for four years. ah The Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Geller have characters they both voice in Star Wars Rebels that duel each other. And they have a little quips back and forth. Very cute. You should watch it. Should I? Rebels. Rebels is the best story that Disney has told. Better than Andor?
00:30:18
Speaker
Uh, story wise, yeah, it's much more rich and Lork. It's a cartoon. You get it. You got a lot of fucking leeway. All right. Aye, aye, aye. I'm doing it for her. So she was distracted. We could have talked about Star Wars forever. Serial Killer is selling a mixtape of artists who asphyxiated on their own vomit, which is a fun ah ah fun thing to mention. That is fun. Because he he starts with Janice Joplin and the Jimi Hendrix and then he goes to Belushi. Yeah. He's like, wait.
00:30:45
Speaker
Like, does Belushi have a record that I don't know about? I'm sure he got that Blues Brothers shit going on. Is he talking about that? Probably. Yeah. Just songs from the Blues Brothers soundtrack. Fucking one of my favorite musicals, if not my favorite. Yeah. Love it. Yo, I am in the mood for like a really juicy IPA and I don't see any in the fridge. Yeah, I think I'm all out, but I do know a place we can go get some more. Let's go to the Arizona Beer House. Arizona Beer House. They have 34 taps. There's like almost 800 cans and bottles that you can drink in-house or take to go. And it's conveniently located at Broadway and Cove, 150 South Cove in Tucson, Arizona. I'll tell you what, I'd tap that. Let's head down to Arizona Beer House right now. Let's go. I'll drive. First pint's on me, guys. All right.
00:31:30
Speaker
Sharks of the Corn? Virus Shark? Cocaine Shark? Shark-topus? Yeah. Those are all real movies. Join me, Steve Coates, as each week I take a comedic look at the bizarre world of Shark-sploitation cinema on Bucket of Chum, the Shark Movie Podcast.
00:31:52
Speaker
They go in. Johnny Lee Miller sees Angelina Jolie play in this video game. I think it's just like Wipeout. That's what it looks like. Oh, I didn't recognize it at all. But it's a standing game. But it's like a big stand up thing yeah with a big screen. Kind of cool. I was a 90s thing. I remember seeing him like not in Tucson, but at like when we went to like ah what do they call it? ah disney Disney World had a thing called Disney Quest. That was like a five story arcade. And they had shit like this in there. Dope. Yeah.
00:32:20
Speaker
My parents dropped us off there and then they were like, we're going to go to Adult Island or whatever the fuck they call it. And they got drunk all day. It's a bar. Well, there's like literally a series of bars that are all Disney owned, but it's like only adults can go there. So you drop your kids off at Disney Quest unsupervised all day and then you go get drunk. Fucking beautiful plan. The 90s are great. Well done, Disney. Yeah. 90s are great. Look at this movie.
00:32:42
Speaker
But yeah, he challenges her. He's like, that's a nice score for a girl, which I don't think is something he really thinks. I think he just knows it's going to piss her off. Exactly. hes He's baiting that hook. He's been busy baiting all day. It's time to bait the hook. And then he does do better than her. He does. It looks like I'm on top.
00:32:59
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Oh, you just made an enemy friend like she takes her stormtrooper boots and she is fucking out of here Yeah, we talked a little bit about the clothes. She's wearing motorcycle gear most of this movie as is he but she Has more cycle the only time we see her on a motorcycle. She's just wearing a white leotard. Uh-huh. Well, the rest the you know, she has shin guards most um importantly in her hand over her yeah Don't put the helmet on keep your shin safe dude on a motorcycle. well She can't put the helmet on it'll fuck up that terrible haircut. She has. Yeah. Well, you know what? Terrible haircut. She's still hot in it. This is one of the only times I ever thought she was hot. Really? Yeah, she just did. Oh, i've I've kind of had it for her for a long time got in 60 seconds. Also, girl interrupted. Oh, with the with the dreadlocks. Yeah, it's always the hair that ruins it. Yeah. Yeah. I love girl interrupt Gia. She's got her hair in Gia. Shows her nerves, too, dude. Yeah, yeah I know because I saw that scene. That's all I saw. You see that movie? I saw that scene. I saw what I needed. I got what I needed. But he gets his revenge the next day at school because he schedules a sprinkler test, standing in the hallway, puts up an umbrella while freaks watching him. Which, dude, cool move. But every teacher's like, why do you have that umbrella out, you little shit? Do you see this coming? I mean.
00:34:11
Speaker
He, plausibly, he could just be like, I don't know, yesterday I got locked on the roof and it rained, so I brought it just in case. I like it. I like to work your day away. But you put it up just in time. How do you know? Were you out of class teach? Yeah. What are you doing? Who's on trial here? Playing hooky? Me or you teach? Sniffing around the boy's room again? Ooh.
00:34:28
Speaker
But she's she comes walking by all wet and angry. It's just how you like her. And it's like pool on the roof must have a leak. Boom walks out. It's a good one. It is a good one. So there's like this stupid scene. It doesn't really matter, except we learn a manual Goldstein.
00:34:48
Speaker
I guess it kind of sets up who they are as people, but like that's exactly what it is off. Everyone has to write a quote or a poem. And this is supposed to be advanced English because he switched himself into. But they're just writing a quote from poetry on the screen. Maybe they're on the teacher or the screen. But they also have to get to know him. Yeah.
00:35:07
Speaker
Yeah. but Johnny, Johnny Miller's like, look how cool I am, how alternative I am. I wrote Ginsburg. ginsburg Angela Angeli writes her mom's quote. Yeah. Well, it's like, what did it say? ah God gave man a bigger brain than a dog so they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party. Yeah. Didn't work out. And ah Emmanuel's was Um, it was an Aussie quote. All of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Yes. But also, if you look at the board, it took me a minute because his handwriting is chicken scratch, which it would be. But he's literally got like instead of I, he drew an eye and it said instead of miss, it was M.S. period. Like that's the only part of the quote I could see is right behind him. So he's just doing like abbreviations and chicken scratch. He hacker talk, dude. hacker Hacker hacker talk. You don't speak it. Hackety hack could you hack taping type type.
00:36:00
Speaker
ah But yeah, back on back at cyber Delia. They're hanging out looking at at who never gonna get I'm never gonna get like okay with that They're hanging out looking at cool computer books, which are real according to the internet. Okay, not just the IMDb trivia I'm in a group on Facebook because I knew we were gonna do this movie eventually. Yeah That's like a hackers. Yeah, you know what? Hold on, Whitney. He's had. He's been in this group since the date was created. no He's not only a member. He's the president of the hackers fan club. I joined about a year ago. It was a hackers like fan group. And ah like this is what I was a hacker because I'd go in there and check your fucking but history and prove your life.
00:36:35
Speaker
It's all these people just talking about all this hackery stuff. They're like, well, I did this and that. And I like this computer because the movie and I don't know. Shut shut it. And you know what? I'm going to post this episode and link to this episode in that group. And they're going to hear that. And then they're going to like hack me. But it's oh, no. But they haven't even know what kind of porn I watch. They they're the they call them a Crayola books. But it's like a bunch of books that I guess were published by the DOD about like computer hacky stuff.
00:37:04
Speaker
Well, it's kind of Matthew Lillard testing. Yeah. Testing. Because no one knows him. No one has any idea that he was zero cool. Yeah. And that he did this thing, yada, yada. So it's everyone he's pulling out is like, what about this one? He's like, well, that's the IBM. Well, that's the DOD. Well, that's the flight. That's NSA. Yeah. It's also known as the ugly book because it doesn't fit on any shelves. I'm glad they said that because they pulled out. It's like, who the fuck made it that size?
00:37:28
Speaker
It's an absurd fucking book. It doesn't go in your glove compartment. Well, you've got to have big pages so you can see all these cool 3D images of what computer hacking looks like. Oh, it's like the magic eye. Yeah. I need the secret code. Relax your eyes. Relax your eyes. Lives are on the line. Do relax your eyes and look at that picture. It's a 13. All right. So Joey tells him that he has a schooner. It's not a sailboat. It's a scooter, stupid. Scooter is a sailboat. Dickhead. You know what? It just says dummy. There is no Easter bunny.
00:37:57
Speaker
That guy over there, he's just a guy in a suit. I've always wanted to yell that. Is that Ethan's Ethan or not? He's an ember. He's an sub please. I'm rewatching. Oh, fucking. Yes.
Cultural Impact and Legacy
00:38:11
Speaker
Yes. What am I rewatching? You're watching Raising Hope and he's in it and he's the thin one at the thin version. At one point, they're like yelling at each other and she goes, Virginia, Martha Plimpton.
00:38:21
Speaker
Says ah your husband looks like that fat guy that was on my name is her mall rats. Like definitely calls it out like, all right. I'll met a joke. but So Joey tells them a story about fucking around with some bank computer and they're like, dude, don't do that shit from your house. And he's like, well, you guys didn't tell me. Like, am I supposed to know if you don't tell me things? That seems, I don't know, obvious. Yeah. I know you're a baby hacker and you also have two cigarettes going one in each hand right now is just puffed on cigarettes. I understand being at 16, dude, I was immortal. I changed what was all the time, too. But guess what? One at a time, you fucking amateur. Apparently the foremost used passwords are love, secret, God and sex. yep And not not in that order.
00:39:06
Speaker
that's stupid oh uh what's his name uh serial gives us one of his catch phrases like that stupid man universally stupid yeah but to be a cool guy and be part of their group and wear leopard skin shirts you have to do a righteous hack he tries to give himself a handle he's like what about like I can't remember... Doctor Doom! Crazy laser! with Ultra laser. ul trip I like mine better. Doctor Doom makes sense, but you think you're going to be Doctor Doom? You're going to be Doctor Doom 419. Not if you're the first one. He's not. He's a hacker. He just deleted the other guy. No way. but Doctor Doom's a dope-ass hacker. 6.1.6.
00:39:45
Speaker
Or, yeah yeah, he's from Earth 616. Yeah, Dr. Doo. See, now he's a fucking nerdy ass thing. Yeah, he has been. Look, dude, your wife's sitting over here understanding Marvel references, Star Wars references. she's Pretty soon she's going to forget about Bring It On.
00:40:01
Speaker
um let me put that in make class but Yeah, they're talking about hacking a Gibson which is like a big supercomputer to guitar Matthew Lillard is rubbing his nipples thinking about it yeah he get some little there Oh we get ah li Lillard nips, but you big hair midriff galore. Oh, he's wearing cutoff shirts this entire time and no underwear.
00:40:23
Speaker
no he was wearing on way not all the time Oh no not all now when he's under that lady's desk yes he is cause he's seen his guy yeah he's got both sagging I do love his hair if we want to talk about that really quickly the quad braid his quad braids all uneven and just all over the place and he's it's a dumb hairstyle that he looks great It looks like he braided it himself, especially when he only has the two braids when they go out It looked like it looked like he probably did if I know Matthew Lillard Makeup people were like we can do it. He's like nah. Yeah, I got you fam when he did shaggy he Screamed for like four hours a day for like a month
00:40:59
Speaker
Hold on. I don't think just do this, man. I don't think that's method. That's like, zoing so I got to get my voice right. And I'm doing something. But he like, that's that's not method acting. That's just trying to roach your throat. He was just screaming because he was in Scooby Doo. My co-star is a fucking CGI dog. Oh, man. Oh.
00:41:20
Speaker
Oh, yeah. So we we get it. We get a hacking scene. This is this is what most of the movie is. It's zoomy zoom. You could take twenty five minutes. It equals MC squared three C equals two five nine four. So we get a couple of different equations that float around. We get what you're talking about where the circuit board is a cityscape. Yep. And fucking just zip zap through it. And then there's another one that the shot I really like the tools, the tunnel.
00:41:46
Speaker
going through the tunnel of circuit boards. Yeah. That's actually a really fucking cool shot. It's these other two they reuse way too fucking much. And what about the worm? The worm's all right. The worm's okay. You just, you went to it too much. Yeah. Or sorry. They only show it once, but it took too long to build. And they're doing this like projection thing. Like when everybody's on the computer, I get it. It makes it more visually interesting, but it's kind of stupid. Like every time someone's hacking, they're just shining a light on their face with what they're supposed to be looking at. That's fine.
00:42:17
Speaker
it's it's It's a little dumber when it's Fisher Stevens talking to Johnny Lee Miller because then john Johnny Lee Miller just has Fisher Stevens face on his face. It's the earlier version of faceoff yeah take face off. No more drugs for that man. No more computers for that man. Oh, but I want to play with my computer. oh Sorry. Oh, I want to play with my computer. I want to play with my computer. I would like to play with my computer. She's my girlfriend.
00:42:47
Speaker
Yeah, so it's Joey hacking the Gibson because he wants to prove himself. ah We see the security guy, Penn Gillette, Penn Gillette, who's credited as Hal, even though they never say that. Oh, God. I'm going to assume it's like a ham handed Hal 9000. Yeah, because he doesn't leave that fucking room. He is the mainframe. Yeah.
00:43:06
Speaker
and we meet fisher star Fisher Stevens. I can't do that. Playing the plague. Don't call me Eugene. ah Skateboarding, hackers, security officer. I can't remember his last name. Bradford. Bradford, because I found it very funny when somebody calls. Mr. Bradford, I told you not to call me that. Call me the plague. Mr. The Plague.
00:43:25
Speaker
It's right now, it's when like the Pendulets call you, Mr. The Plague. Yeah, and there's a couple other times where someone's like, all right, listen, Mr. The Plague. It's just a fun little fucking stupid moment. You know someone called him Mr. Plague, and he was like, it's Mr. The Plague. Yeah, don't call me Mr. Plague. Mr. Plague was my father. Also, there's now a virus in your system, and you don't think it's a guy that's The Plague? Yeah. Well, but he's on your side.
00:43:47
Speaker
He's supposed to put viruses. He's definitely not an evil hacker. He's got long black hair and skateboards around in a black trench coat. And it's like that. Fucking fur coat, too, dude. I mean, this is an early ah proto ah grandma's boy. Dude, this yeah bed. I'm thinking about getting robotic legs. It's a risky procedure.
00:44:03
Speaker
Hey, the plague, how much do clothes cost in the Matrix? He's definitely dressing for the Matrix, man. He doesn't know it's coming out soon in the next five years. He got the leak. He got the leak, gotcha. He yeah he acted, he acted. so this bed that I know we're not at the bed scene yet, but we kind of get a glimpse of it now. It is a cocaine-fueled nightmare.
00:44:23
Speaker
This is somebody with way too much money, and as Derek pointed out, he's not doing cocaine. He's eating copious amounts of sugar. yes The fucking ghost of of fucking Wilford Brimley himself going to come out and be like, boy, are you going to get me to die better like that? I'll tell you. Good Skittles make a jackrabbit smack the bell. I was about to do that, but with nerd ropes. I mean, he's munching candy this entire fucking time. In his little workspace has jars of candy. What is that green rope thing he was eating? i I think it's going to be like the half east string red vine, the red rope. It's like what's not yeah like the twizzler rope thing. No, it's red vine that does it, ah but it's not the twisted thing.
00:45:06
Speaker
Like a candy on the outside that was one color and then like a powdery candy on the inside Oh, see you're going even newer than I am I'm talking about original just nerd rope, which was just a thicker hollow red vine Oh without the ridges on the outside usually came in like a big rope where you're supposed to like pull some out and cut it off You could like I remember getting those there was always something you got but like the fair or something something you bought in the store and It came in like a package, it's like a three foot long one. Garth is very excited about it. In Wayne's world they even have the red robe licorice dispenser attached to the Mirth mobile. But this was green. Sure, green apple.
00:45:43
Speaker
It's a different flavor, dude. They have grape. I love grape. They have strawberry. Joey copies a garbage file to prove he was there. They trace his signal. Because he's not trying to get anything big. He's just like, I want to fuck with him a little bit, and I want to show these guys that I was there. How do you do that? I got their garbage file. Which should be nothing. Exactly. It's just bits of data. Who cares? Which is what Freak tells him. Supposed to be stuff being thrown away. But then mom comes in and is like, open the door. Open the door, Joey. I always like this in movies where people smoke and they try to pretend like they weren't.
00:46:13
Speaker
Motherfucker I can smell if you're if anybody in your house right now is smoking in the back room. We would know Yeah, let alone if you walked in and they sprayed a little Febreze ain't that good. He's like, oh, it's oseum It's good. It's good sort of the smell completely unless Febreze wants to sponsor us. They ain't that good I'll change my tune as soon as they put money in my hand my parents smoked in the house and I got busted for smoking in my room Yeah, because they get smelled like it's a mental No, I smoke their cigarettes. Smells like one of mine. I smell yours, I smell mine, I so i smell another one. Am I smoking? I'm not smoking. i but i sweat Honey, look at me. Am I smoking right now? It's hard to tell.
00:46:48
Speaker
But I was at least smart and like hung out my bedroom window. Oh, yeah. You weren't smart enough. Not smoke, punk. No, because I was supposed so much. I was a cool kid. i swear Yeah, I was so cool. Smoking. I even got told ah because one of my friends, he was like he did not smoke. He thought smoking was disgusting. He's like, you make it look so sexy. And I was just like, why thank you.
00:47:10
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. The hole in my throat is hot. I don't have a hole in my throat. Baby, why don't you come over? We can use this hole in my throat for so many things. By the way, if any of us ever have ah ever have to have a tracheotomy, we're still doing this. Oh yeah. We're doing it by our co-host Jax AI. I'll get a speaking spell.
00:47:30
Speaker
You know what? I give you permission to reuse my voice and AI that shit any way you can. Some re-speech. We have it here. Today we're joined by Darth Vader.
00:47:46
Speaker
Speaking of Darth Vader. This is your podcast. We meet Lord Nikon in Jedi robes. Yeah. Yeah, he is. Who has played... Oh, shit. Hold on. I wrote down what he was in and I forgot to write down his name. Please hold.
00:47:59
Speaker
and good from ah name and Sorry, it's a catchy song. and ah here yeah man and ha a Who played by Lawrence Mason, who was I guess in a ah good stretch of Prison Break.
00:48:16
Speaker
He's also in The Crow and True Romance. The Crow is probably what I fucking know him from. I mean, I definitely know him from stuff. I just couldn't nail down what. Yeah, he's wearing Jedi robes and acting a little mysterious when they go to his house and he's talking shit to Dade.
00:48:32
Speaker
I still hate that name. Oh, not as much as I do. That's why I said it with Vitrol. He's ah like Dade, Dade, a pig in the city. What do you think Dade was short for? Dade-a. It's the same name.
00:48:47
Speaker
Dade-a-thin. it Well, it was D-A-D-E. Thank you. I think it's just Dade. If we keep saying it... It's short for Daedalus. Were they originally in California or something? Like... Seattle. Oh, yeah, Seattle.
00:49:02
Speaker
Then they'd make sense. I wonder what date is short for. It's so stupid. But he's like, does he know anything? Yeah, dude he's elite. Yeah. And on TV, they see agent Richard Gill, who is their nemesis besides the plague. Yeah. He's a secret service agent who is he's played by Wendell Pierce, who was on the wire a bunch. But what I know him from his suit. Suits he was suits. yeah I know him from the Jack Ryan series Not the movies the one with John Krasinski. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah okay so He's pretty fucking good in that um The movie Ray he's he's been in a lot. He's a good suits. He's he's The dad princess lady's dad. Oh, he's making Markle's dad. Yes. I've never seen that show Oh, it's fun. I've walked in on Kendra watching it a lot.
00:49:51
Speaker
Well, does she have clothes on? Yeah. OK. Surprising because most of the people in that are sexy. Oh, everybody's sexy. That main guy. Gorgeous. Harvey. Wait, he's in something. He is. Oh, we talked about it before. He's in that fucking. oh God damn it. It's the same as so as Sin City, the sequel to that. Or I thought it was a sequel spirit of the spirit, the spirit. He plays the titular spirit. And it's funny because the name is Mark Spector.
00:50:19
Speaker
the but yeah theyre they see that they change the channel to razor and blade who are like the ah wow like asian dudes who do this hacker show where they just scream at the tv a lot and talk about jolt cola ah hu it's called hack the planet Oh, that's how we know in the 90s, man. We got Joe Cola, Eugene's bed and this fucking show. We got Jolt all over the place. That's why I was surprised. Dade was drinking Coca Cola for breakfast. Well, whos joel is that the same company, though? It might be, but he's a hacker. It's the drink of hackers. His mom wasn't letting him do it. Well, Jolt is for sundown, guys. You don't start your day with Jolt. You ease into it with a nice cup of coke and boiled coke.
00:51:04
Speaker
Do you remember Surge? Oh yeah. Oh man, you know who loves Surge? To bleep. To the point that he recreated it with a mixture of juices and other sodas. Did he get all that extra caffeine in there though? No. Was there alcohol though? No. No, this is pre-alcohol.
00:51:24
Speaker
I worked at Fuddruckers here in Tucson before it left us, sadly. And that was one of the last places in Tucson, if not the last, to have Surge. It was the last place. And he would come in and just order a fountain drink and just suck it down. I didn't like it that much. Oh, God, be good.
00:51:44
Speaker
So Joey is singing in the shower, cheering for himself like he's a rock star, opens the curtain. Is this not how you guys shower? And there's the Secret Service and or SWAT team, whoever these people are. I just love- The guys in suits are Secret Service. These guys love to wait for an inopportune time. Yeah. All right, we got the house surrounded. He's about to get in the shower. Wait, wait till he's in the shower. Wait till he's done singing and thanking the fake crowd. And we're going to get him with his dick out. He has to be naked. Yeah. Yeah, they're all about. They're all about theatrics. Yeah. Like when they arrest freak. Yeah, absolutely. It's all the way outside of his window. And no one's going to call in the planes. Yeah. How long were you sitting there with the gun pointed the window like, all right, do my arms get really tired? No, no, she's going to open the drape soon. I promise you, it's going to be so fucking cool, man. It's going to be so worth it. You know, I got in a swat theatrics.
00:52:34
Speaker
I didn't take fucking two years of drama at Juilliard so I could fucking not do a flashy presentation. I washed out of Juilliard, so I joined SWAT team. I was doing stage combat and I loved it and I was like, let's try real combat. I so love it, man. A little panache. Gil's sidekick we see here, too, who is Mark Anthony, the singer and kind of actor.
00:52:59
Speaker
Kinda he seems to be pretty impressed with the hackers. Yeah, like every time they're in there They're every time he's in these scenes like he did this and he did this like wow Well, they're reading the Hacker Manifesto, which is also real. ah He's like, that's fucking cool. And the guy's like, no, it's not cool. It's commie bullshit. Fucking pinkos.
00:53:20
Speaker
Yes. So then we meet Lorraine Bracco, who's a good fellas. Yeah. She plays someone. I don't know. Lorraine Bracco. Yeah. she Oh, come on. She's Henry Hill's wife. No. And in this movie, I mean, oh, I can't think of her character's name in this movie. Madeline Maud. Yeah, I think it's Madeline. She was also in The Medicine Man.
00:53:38
Speaker
I was really upset for a second that he was not going to know. No, I know who she doesn't know. you Yeah. OK. Totally redeemed your show. You know, she's also the mom in Blow, which is funny because Ray Liotta is the dad. So they're back. to They're back together in Blow. Great fucking. They got back together. Had a kid. Turns out crime is genetic. Turns out you can't save your kid from the life.
00:54:05
Speaker
ah But, yeah, the this when we find out that supposedly the hackers that got into the system planted a virus called Leonardo da Vinci, and it's going to capsize these oil tankers and destroy the earth. Basically, I want to know the story of the actor playing the Leonardo da Vinci virus, because like I thought it was Bush, the day ah Gavin. ravin I was like, wait, which Bush or the dude that was like um that did this song. Fuck me.
00:54:31
Speaker
I don't remember that. I don't know. I don't read me. Fuck me again. Someone that you used to know. Oh, go to. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like never seen that cat. Oh, I watched the video. OK, fair. weird flight No, I just I think it's a fun, like, this is a weird, flag weird day of that is a weird day of shooting. It's like stand here and look at the camera and just say these exact lines and look really weird doing it. I'm going to drop off my rise.
00:55:00
Speaker
he's I'd have fun. He's the the lawnmower man. and and ah What was that motorcycle motion you just did? She fucking mows the lawn with a Harley. She took that shit to exhibit. Can you make my motorcycle also trim hedges? Say no more, dawg. Hit my John Deere. I know who plays lawnmower man and it's killing me. Jeff Tehe? Jeff Tehe? I think that's lawnmower man.
00:55:24
Speaker
I know that name. Yeah, you should. You got eyebrows. Oh, OK. It's like a good set of eyebrows, dude. He was most recently in Horizons. He's one of the ah the shitheads that are trying to hunt down and kill innocent Native Americans and sell their scalps. He's like the main guy for that. The robot virus tells them it was five million dollars or it's going to capsize five ships. Fahey with an F. Fucking idiot. Oh, yeah. OK. See them eyebrows.
00:55:53
Speaker
That guy is in, well he's in a bunch of shit, but he's in Planet Terror, ah the Robert Rodriguez brand house movie. Yeah, yeah he plays he's the guy that owns like the diner that they're all holed up in when the zombies are attacking. Okay, if you're listening and you don't know the name Jeff Fahey, look him up because you will know at least one thing he's from. It might even be the show Lost. He's in the later season to that.
00:56:17
Speaker
I know he did some horror movies. That's what I know him from. He's in. Oh, what's the one? Is it a lead of the lead of the battle angel? Yeah. he doesn't run out well Yeah. Oh, that's Rodriguez as well. Yeah. Oh.
00:56:30
Speaker
yeah I didn't hate it. I enjoyed it. Like, I didn't hate it. I just think it needed more. Yeah, I enjoyed it. But I think he got a little neutered on there. But that's another episode. Lorraine Bracco and The Plague are basically we find out they're stealing money. So they are stooping. They are stooping. They're stealing money. And hes he invented the virus to basically shift the blame to this hacker kid because he's like, well, someone he says later, someone's got to go to jail for 30 years. Do you want it to be them or us?
00:57:00
Speaker
This is this is a minor plot from Superman three. Yeah, it's literally the same plot that Richard Pryor was doing. Yeah. They tried. They tried to get an office. They tried to get an office. Take take a couple of cents off each transaction. Oh, yeah. No, no one misses a fraction of a cent. Yeah. Like you actually couldn't even trace Richard. I couldn't trace a tenth of a cent. Your bank might, but you can't. Yeah, I think Richard Pryor says something about slicing the salami. That's his metaphor for it. But it's been a lot like the planet. It's a Star Wars version. What is the Richard Pryor? Superman three. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not a strong Superman movie. No, but worth a watch. I can picture. I can picture Pryor in it and his face. Show me your face. Richard Pryor not doing comedy, which
00:57:54
Speaker
Thank you. no Doesn't work. yeah Thank you. No.
Kevin Hart in 'Borderlands' Movie
00:57:57
Speaker
Yeah. Why? It's like putting Kevin Hart in a Borderlands movie and telling him to act serious. Why would you do that? Oh, wait they did. He he was good. He was. They told him to be serious. And so he didn't get any of the thing you're there for Kevin Hart for you. yeah Me. He did his like backy talky talk. Talking back. that But so they they decided to release Joey and follow him to find his friends because they assume he's gotten accomplished because they couldn't find the magical disk of him. He's either really smart or really stupid. Turns out a mixture. Yes. Because he did hack you. But he also knew to stash the disk like in the air vent with his porn and in ah in a carton of
00:58:37
Speaker
We can't call Marbros. They're not Marbros. It was like Max Bro. Max Bro cigarettes. Max Bro cigarettes. No, they were is it's an actual brand. It was like three shades of blue. When I worked at OSCO, I sold these and I can't remember what they were. I didn't recommend seeing these hedges. It's Max Bro because you smoke them when you're date reaping. Yeah. Whoa. Bro. Okay, They're GHB Lace cigarettes. oh Don't get them mixed up with your own.
00:59:05
Speaker
It's like, it's like, ah was it Nick Nolte, who just took a bunch of GHB? Yeah. ah Yeah, it's a date rape drug. I find that to be a bit of a misnomer. No one's ever tried to rape me. Just dude, you're micro dosing. You're fucking micro dosing yourself with date rape drug. Just think about where your life is.
Humorous References and Scenes
00:59:25
Speaker
I mean, he's an ugnaught.
00:59:27
Speaker
Yeah, he is. ah So happy your husband knows an Ugnaught. Yeah. Yeah. Little pig people from Star Wars. Very excited. They have these guys monitoring him. It's Mark Anthony and bald penis head guy. ah It's like a suspect is still in his home. He's grounded by his mother. like Well, who else was grounded? Yeah, I do. We get a little moment of the plague playing on a VR headset, which is actually pretty accurate to what they have now. Yeah. And the way the headset is and they have these stands. That's what I was going to get to. I think now they have like a treadmill in them. Yeah. You can move all these different directions. But he's because I for a second, I thought again, I haven't seen this in a long time. I thought he was going to accidentally punch
01:00:13
Speaker
That's what I was waiting for. Even though I have seen this a lot. Right. It just it would make sense because it's like I can't see what I'm doing. I'm throwing wild punches. I just punch Secret Security Secret Service right in the face. Yeah, they do have these things now and like it has like an omni-directional. Some of them have like an omni-directional treadmill thing at the bottom. It's wild. Some of them just have like a dish that's like very slippery so you can run your feet slide on it. OK. Is it a dish or is it just like a ball? Well, it's yeah, it's like a curved bottom. It looks like a dish kind of shape. Love me a curved bottom.
01:00:42
Speaker
I noticed I can run on that all day. Gil gives him this report on Dave Murphy and he's like, oh, hard copy. I'm like, dude, calm the fuck down with your cyber yeah goofy. This guy really is going to have Internet or a fucking robot legs. Do you know what? After when I heard that part, I now understand the news show hard copy. I never had literally I never put two and two together. Twenty twenty four. I thought you said the news show hard copy. I was like, not new. Yeah, back from the 80s, 90s. You could call it news. It was just ah unsolved mysteries, but the unsolved mysteries were true crime. Yeah. Ahead of its time, it would sway now. So they go to to Dave's apartment. They interrogate him about ah Joey and the disk and whatever.
01:01:32
Speaker
The plague is like, let me talk to him alone. We're we're the same person. Yeah, he'll he'll get me. We both hate people and we're hard copies. I speak his lingo. We're hackers. We don't have friends. We have
Hacker Dynamics and Playfulness
01:01:43
Speaker
allegiances. Actually, let me um let me go in the other room and just type to him so we don't have to look at each other. We're very comfortable this way. And a lot of noises.
01:01:56
Speaker
I love that he's like he's asking who he is and he's like I'm the plague or whatever. He's like, OK, cool. is it Can we be allies? No. So it's just he starts with you can't wear hackers. We don't have friends. yeah We don't have family. We don't trust anybody. Do you want to be allies?
01:02:13
Speaker
Well, because no, you just told me not to trust any because we have allegiances that we until were theyre until we don't need them anymore. Yeah. So you just told me that you're going to throw me away at some point. Fuck off. He's like, well, as he's leaving, you know, try to stay out of trouble. Blow me. Thank you. Thank Is there anybody? Fisher Stevens is playing to play. Did we say that already? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think if not. If if not. yeah Fisher Stevens previous episode, Super Mario Brothers. Yeah. Future episode short circuit. Oh, boy. You know what? we We have to decide before that comes out whose accent we're going to do because it's not going to be the voice that he does. yeah But and there's very few people less intimidating with a baseball bat because yeah he smashes up his boombox like, OK.
01:02:58
Speaker
Smashes computer cool. Yeah, exactly Smashes computer you're gonna mail him a box. He's gonna invent mp3s Boombox like he had like the little boom receiver an actual like stereo like the receiver and everything underneath it and that Still, though, come on. Yeah, but he just does some hacky hack type type, gets a free one from Amazon. You know, it fell off the back of a truck. They didn't have Amazon. No, they did back that yeah i think yeah didn't. it might have started, but it was still just a bookstore. Exactly. Dade has a dream about Angelina Jolie coming in and fucking him. That's where we see her. nerbs Oh, yeah. woo It's a quick flash. She's unzips her little ah motorcycle jacket. Nothing underneath, which seems very uncomfortable. Oh, no. Leather jacket. Leather on the cold leather. on But it's not like it's not like sex leather. It's not a leather leather. This is rawhide. I bet it feels I bet it smells amazing too. But also she smells great. No one's arguing that. There's no word exchange. She I'm going to do this. to you She just literally comes in just so everyone knows she's looked at Derek when she said that. I couldn't be more clear. Am I gross? No, it's just that you're married and we're on a fucking podcast together and it's not called the swing thing. It is definitely not the swing thing. Bad swings, worse people. um Let me tell you about the bad sex I had last night. But yeah, and then like we see boobies and then the police come. Yeah, it's a dream about getting arrested. I thought maybe for a second it wasn't a dream and that she was passing something to him via mouth. Exactly. to lee But then very quickly, it's like, no, he's just having his fucking squirter. Yeah. Then we go we go to this party at a cyber tron. No, this is at her house. Oh, not a cyber tron. Mark. Mark Anthony is walking around and undercover cyber deli cyber delia. Oh, we were both far off.
01:04:50
Speaker
You're so far off it's cyber delia not deli Excuse me, I get the binary cheddar. Thank you But Mark Anthony is there undercover, dressed like one of these goofy ass kids. He fits in, though. He looks young. I don't know if he is, but he looks young. He's he's fine. Yeah, he's fine. He's got these I think he's wearing any similar glasses to Matthew Willard, the little circle things. No, he's actually wearing bigger ones that kind of like go up. And he's got like swirly hair and shit. Every good high school party had an older guy there that had drugs, probably. Yeah. yeah
01:05:25
Speaker
and That's why he's there undercover, but he can't follow them because everybody keeps coming up to him like, yeah what you got? yeah i know you see I know you're the dealer. Look at you. Everybody here is 16 to 19. You are 29. Everybody here is 21 24. You're 41. I want to say he's the same age.
01:05:42
Speaker
No, I just mean older looking. Oh, I'm pretty certain. Just for the just for the sake of the movie. I'm sure he's the same age, but this guy would not be an FBI agent or sorry. ah Secret Service Age at fucking twenty one, twenty two. You got to put him to work, dude. I do love they're looking at her computer, like googling or ogling over her computer. They're not googling yet. And I bet it looks crisp in the dark, which. OK, I don't know. im Don't touch my food. Don't touch a hacker's laptop, right? yeah Right. that like that was Although she seems turned on that they're all touching. it Oh, yeah. But as she stops fucking like they are fucking mid coitus.
01:06:20
Speaker
Oh, this is where I wonder if we saw her nips again. Yeah, I think you get just a little just like woo woo. Well, one of these guys is like, it's got a twenty eight point eight BPS modem. and I'm like, OK, first of all. Oh, that's not good. It was. It was OK. You already had like T1 land lines and shit by then. Come on. He's speaking Greek. And I think you did anyway. But also he says BPS. That's beats per second. It's not it would be envy. And he would be just be saying it. Twenty eight eight. He wouldn't be saying twenty eight point eight BPS anyway. Sorry. Nerd alert. Nerd alert.
01:06:57
Speaker
Look, it went on. Maybe they didnt know it all, but they had fifty six or is it fifty six K? I don't remember. Doesn't matter. No one cares. It wasn't. There's probably somebody out there listening that cares. They're just not in this room. That's fair. But like so during during them, like I fucking her computer. We have a quick scene of Joey at ah Alcoholics Anonymous or some kind of anonymous. I'm not an addict. I'm not an addict, man. He's fucking chain smoking, chugging coffee. computer anytime it Can I get more coffee, please?
01:07:25
Speaker
Oh, man. Oh, I miss my computer, but I'm not an addict, dude. I just like it. Look, I'm not an addict. I just need my computer. I'm not an addict. It's cool. I feel feel alive. If you won't have it, you'll run the other side. I'm not an addict, baby. That's a lie. P.J. Harvey. Is it special K or no? K's choice. K's choice. K's choice. Bad karaoke, worse people.
01:07:54
Speaker
I know I can't sing. Hey, know what? Hold on. Hold on. We're going to stop. We're going to stop here. My voice, my glasses. Everybody hears your voice, bad karaoke in my opinion. But I'm going to stop you there and tell you. So my you know, my mother's a music teacher. Yes. Right. So the only time you're doing bad singing is when you're not having fun. Let it out, girl.
01:08:15
Speaker
But this is where Johnny Lee Miller finds out that Angelina Jolie is acid burn, which I feel like you've been hanging out with this group. No one's referred to her as burn yeah until right now. Well, because I've been in school and this is but they're all calling each other. You know what? Her boy, her boyfriend was nothing to do with it. So she's like, hey, do me a favor when Colin, I don't know his name, when Colin's are around. He looks like Colin, right? Yeah, looks like a Colin.
01:08:38
Speaker
When Colin's around, don't call me burn, don't call me acid. I'm Kate. Because he's got that toxic sweet dick. He doesn't like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because she starts talking about the computer. He's like, ugh, you're not doing your stupid computer shit right now. Are you? I'm out of you. I'm going to jack off my motorcycle. She's like, give me a second. He's like, OK, I'm going to go jerk off on the balcony. And it goes outside. I'm going to go make it rain. We're high enough it might not reach the ground to let it evaporate. Oh, look, it's going to rain. This is what we call it. New York Avalanche.
01:09:07
Speaker
It's there with your mouth open. But yeah, so he realizes who she is. And then someone points out like, oh, crash. Oh, that's someone. It's Matthew Lillard. Crash and burn, dude. Oh. I'm making fun of him, but I love him. Like, he just has big energy. And it's kind of what this story needed. Yeah. Because it could be everyone's everyone's a little bit, um I don't know, not too serious, but his is over the top, not serious. And it helps.
01:09:35
Speaker
I do think they're like friendly chit chat really works like they're like associated with each other. And I did read that like they basically had three weeks before the movie started to just hang out with each other, learn how to rollerblade. They went to like a hacker convention. Matthew Lillard looks at one of the more natural on rollerblades, by the way, as the local rollerblade aficionado. Yep, you're our resident. He looks like he's doing the proper fucking swipe and slide and push, ah slide and push. Everybody else is doing the choppy walkie.
01:10:04
Speaker
Choppy walkie, dude. You don't choppy walkie on boys, man. If you are a French fryer, when you pizza, if you choppy walkie, when you mean to fucking slide and swoosh, you're going to have a bad time. I do know that one. You're going to have a bad time. Well, I think her and ah Johnny Lee Miller start flirting here. She's kind of been into him since the beginning, but like he pisses her off. So she's like not having the we talk about another episode. It's like the hair pull. Yeah. The hair pull stage. Yeah. Breaking crayons. They're called crayons, but I like your wife enough to call them crayons. He's looking at her computer and she's like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, just checking it out, dude. And why are you turning the camera on? Just checking out your computer. That's what he should have done. Seriously, nice. And then she's watching him and she's like, hope you don't screw like you type. And it like fucks them all up. He's like, oh, oh, sorry. I typed too soon.
01:10:57
Speaker
For a hacker who you can hear the when he's typing, when they show him, he's like one finger like pecking. Well, no, he's just like one. The only time it looks OK is when they speed it up by four. Like it's rough, man. Yeah, probably eight. You're probably closer.
01:11:16
Speaker
So they they challenge each other. The bet is if if he wins or if she wins, he has to be her slave. Not that stuff. He gives the same face because I went like, oh, and she's like, yeah, in your fucking dreams, you're going to be doing laundry, so like you fucking just hacker shit. Yeah, you have you got to break codes and copyright, but not the fun hacker stuff. You're going to do the shit that I don't want to do.
01:11:39
Speaker
Yeah, you do. You do the foreplay. I get the orgasm. There you go. And if she loses, then they have to go on a date. But I don't do dates. And you need to wear a dress. I also don't lose. No, that's later. They up it right now. Oh, it's a straight forward slave. Fuck. Yeah. You got to smile, too. Yeah, you know, your traditional slave date trade. You know the fucking old bet. We've all seen it. I have slaves. You have dates. This is how Qui-Gon Jinn got Anakin Skywalker. The old slave date switch him up. All right, Greedo. If we win, we get your slave. Guado. Guado, sorry. Greedo was just a little bad. Greedo's the one that got shot. Yeah. All right, Guado. If you lose or if we win, we get your slave. If you win. But if I win, what do I get? We'll go on a date. Oh, do I get to wear a dress? I really want to. I think it would have looked really good on him, too. With his weird CG stubble. Like when we see her sex scene.
01:12:42
Speaker
like You think you're seeing a woman in some like leather outfit or whatever? Nope, that's him. Oh, yeah. now cho up Maybe not now, but at some point soon, it's right after this. OK. Yeah, we're so right there. We're right there. She has the sex dream. But yeah, you're right, dude. It looks like, oh, who's this fine looking chicken? That's a dick. That's a dick. That's it she wakes up from the sex dream and she's like,
01:13:04
Speaker
oh Oh God at first she's like disgusted and then she thinks and then she's like ooh She appreciates the wet dream. This guy was like, oh no another one. She was like, oh, yeah another one she's like o new New guy in there I'm not it why you can thinking about Matthew Lillard in leather. And then we cut to they're in school and she's standing at his locker and she opens up the locker. She was like, I guess your size. And it's just lingerie and is like leather strong and leather bra because to her it's not a joke. She's like, I really want to see you in this. I had a dream about you wearing this and damn, it didn't finish unlocked.
01:13:39
Speaker
Their competition is hassling agent Gil. So they do all this shit to fuck with them. Oh, my God. Oh, also, by the way, I want to point out when it starts. This is another Angelina Jolie nipple shot because she's wearing a see through shirt while it's mesh. So we won't go through all the details. We'll name off what
Pranks and Comedic Elements
01:13:57
Speaker
they are. So it starts with the so first they fuck up his credit card. Yeah, they say his cards over limit. So it gets cut up in front of his date. And then they then they did enlist him on a singles. Just the worst that you could do for the 90s. Yeah, I am a bunch of have a bunch of transgender, homosexual. What they say, self loathing white males. Yeah, that's what he says. He puts up the ad that that.
01:14:24
Speaker
Gil is a self loathing white man. Oh, OK. I thought they were looking for a white man, a cross dresser. He's doing phenomenal on these phone calls. I'll tell you where you can stick it. Oh, thank me I'll you fucking spank you. These guys are just like, oh, I just want to lick your earlobes. going to lick your leg. His fucking board is lighting up, just taking all these calls. And I do love what he says. I'll spank your ass and hangs up. And the plague is behind him. And he's like, OK, then. huh So I know he doesn't I know all of that ADR was put in after after what like for sure. Right. But his reactions like most of them lined up. There was like one or two that I wonder if but he was I think they made it to his reaction. Exactly. I think he recorded his shit first. Like, well, what could we say in front of that? Just be as disgusted. I just remember you at what the plague says when he hangs up. If he says, I'll spank your ass as he goes, you animal.
01:15:16
Speaker
yeah The plague's like, hey, sit, can you forward some of those? That was a real top notch dirty talk. I like that. That one was a fun one. And another one is and she gives them and she gives them a DUI and a hundred and thirteen traffic violations. So he gets that though. All I know is these are New York City collab.
01:15:36
Speaker
Clop plops. Are you riding horses? Yeah. Oh, the Clopper. Get out of here, Clopper. These are New York City cops, and he is a black man. This is a little too far because this guy's getting murdered. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And so how does Johnny Lee Miller? Well, he gets murdered because he puts him as deceased. And I love the payroll department calls him like, you were asking about an employee agent, Richard McGill or whatever, or Richard Gill. Richard Gill. He's like,
01:16:03
Speaker
Yeah, he's like, according to our records, he's deceased. Oh, what? This could be all jokes that miss if they're not delivered well. Yeah. And they are. Yeah. And he fucking delivers them. And I mean, the worst part watching it with a 2024 lens is the phone call stuff just because of what they originally typed and whatnot. But it's still funny because they're sending it to a guy who is a straight man who's very like clearly not comfortable. So he's very right. So when all these gay dudes are calling him, he's like,
01:16:33
Speaker
Disgusting. I would be annoyed by it if it happened to me just on the simple fact of people calling me that much. It wouldn't matter what they're saying. how I do. My fucking phone hasn't stopped ringing. This is the worst thing ever. What are they saying? I don't know. um Every one of these calls is about feet and I'm still upset. um Oh, well.
01:16:49
Speaker
well Is that why you would answer? I dialed the phone, okay, with my toes. Okay. But so they decided that it's a tie and they have to do something to break the tie. So they up the stakes. And this is where it's like, he's like, if I win, you wear a dress to our date. And she's like, well, if I win, so do you. So what she's saying is now whether either one wins, they're going on a date. oh I took it as when you're my slave, you wear a dress.
01:17:17
Speaker
I don't know, man, but you're probably close. You're probably right there. I'm not. She's shading that with that. She's shading yours with with Derek. If I win, I get to fuck you while you wear a dress. But we are. We are fucking though, right? OK. OK. OK, then. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I don't know if they make dresses that'll fit me, but I'll wear one. Oh, yeah, they do. It's like it's called a moo moo. Don't fucking wear Moo Moo. I've seen that Simpsons episode. I have a dress that will fit you. Okay. But the plague just sends him this fucking early iMac laptop. It's like a clear plastic horseshit thing. He sends him the equivalent of ah this is a hacker's singing telegram. But instead of some fucking barbershop quartet guys, it's Fisher Stevens.
01:18:11
Speaker
talking about we're samurai, we're the your keyboard cowboys. Oh, this was supposed to be such a cool, and I understand that he's a wiener in this movie, but in his mind, this is an amazing speech. Let me give you your first speech. Samurai, we are cowboy, a keyboard cowboys. It falls flat because you're not that. Well, he thought it was cool, but he's in a room alone. Exactly. You know, this is what happens when you have just yes men or nobody.
01:18:39
Speaker
Yeah. You need one of your friends like, dude, don't send that. Don't send that. You're going to be insane right now. I think everybody needs somebody they send their drunk text to first. Like if I send a drunk text to Whitney, like, hey, I'm going to send this. She can tell me yes or no. What if I'm also drunk? Oh, that's trouble. You can't have your AA sponsor be fucking drunk. Wendy's like, send it with extra exclamation points, bitch. She's like, you have to include the balls, though. I'm like, hold on, edit, edit, edit, edit, send this. Hey, i let me know, and I've never sent an unsolicited dick pic. I'm very proud of you. Yeah, I'm all right. But I do remember a tiny cowboy hat.
01:19:19
Speaker
Well, that's because somebody was asking for dick pics and it wasn't a tiny cowboy hat. It was a normal sized cowboy hat for my penis. Now I need to see a penis with a cowboy hat. I don't want to see your dick. Put your phone in incognito mode and Google. I don't know how to do that. You and somebody else I know. Just put it and just search it. You'll find it. You don't need mine. I just said I don't want yours. I now need to see a penis with a cowboy hat and nobody's ready for a freckled cowboy. The world wasn't ready. Joey gets ungrounded. He immediately takes the disc to freak. Tells him to hide it somewhere or whatever. Mark Anthony and the bald guy are there listening to them.
01:20:04
Speaker
And the bald guy is like taking pictures over his shoulder with this camera. like So inconspicuously. This fucking blossom character next to him. Like, what the fuck are you doing? Why is she sitting between them? She was already sitting there first. Yeah, exactly. And they sandwiched her. Yep. I'm I'm I'm a female shocker. If I'm sitting in the middle of a bench, that means I don't want any motherfucker sitting next to me. Yeah, but it's New York. so Sandwich me. OK, I'm going to get up and move to the woman. You should.
01:20:34
Speaker
Their secret service they don't care I guarantee you these two dudes sat down at the exact same time. She should have been like nope That's a that's a pile of no. Thank you cuz that's when you get a needle in your neck. Yeah. Oh what human trafficking? Oh, okay. Yeah But so yeah, they take off running Freak gets arrested at his house. This is what we were talking about earlier His mom comes in, she's like, you're going to be late for school, opens the blinds, the fucking SWAT team
Dramatic Arrest and Nostalgia
01:21:00
Speaker
comes right in. And she starts beating his ass once they read like the crimes. He's like, dude, what are you waiting for? Fucking arrest me. This is brutal. She is about to get a chonklo right now. She if she was barefoot, she would have had a chocolate. You're lucky she'd have a chocolate. But so he calls Kate, i tells her that I hit the disk in that place. I hit that thing that time. Wait, no, this is a really fun scene because he is they ah they have like the keypad. He's on his way to Conair. He's getting on the plane right now. He's boarding the plane. So they have like a giant.
01:21:34
Speaker
a metal elbow door thing covering the button so he can't dial it. He's like, you get that? You get one phone call and dial something. So I don't get that, though. Like, how was he supposed to make this phone call? They dialed the number first. Yeah. So he was sitting there with the phone ringing because he gave them a fake number, I'm assuming. Gotcha. OK. And then when they left, he did the little jiggly thing to get the operator. And then he called. I did like the jiggly thing. I just didn't understand. I was like, how is he supposed to call if you locked it up? Because he dialed first. Got it.
01:22:01
Speaker
But also I blinked and I missed it. I don't think this would work today. Do you know? Do you know my phone number? I don't. I often text you. I don't have yours. I don't know it. I don't know hers. You have my number. I have it. I don't know it. Yeah. Ninety dude. Nineteen ninety five. Nineteen ninety five. I had fucking shit memorized. Yeah. Like I'd say at least twelve people.
01:22:24
Speaker
So I made so memorize mine in Derek's and her father's. So she knows. Three important number. Well, these guys had to have all these numbers in their head. They're doing hacky stuff. Yeah. And I feel like they're good with numbers. Yeah. We know we know for sure. Nikon is bad. So the disk is in the place. I put that thing that time. That's it. That slams the phone down.
01:22:49
Speaker
Kate knows exactly where that is. So her she gets the desk, her and Cyril go to Dave's apartment to ask for help. But he's to them just being a little bitch like, well, I can't because I don't They don't know that. he They don't know that he was previously arrested for a federal crime. And if he gets arrested for this, it'll run. His mom has been pushing for college. Yeah. And he.
01:23:13
Speaker
It doesn't seem too interested. I mean, but now he wants to go to MIT because somebody else wants to go to MIT. So he does agree to copy the disk. Fisher Stevens calls him. He's like, hey, just so you know, your mom's now a wanted felon and she's going to be arrested in the morning unless you give me this disk. And then what I'll do is change the file back and your mom will just disappear into the system. That's not fair. I actually believe that would happen.
01:23:37
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. You guys are both saying that our justice system could fuck something up. I think it's a possibility, a small possibility, usually on the up and up. They don't lie. They've never fucked anything up either. ah There's never been anyone wrongfully imprisoned.
01:23:53
Speaker
Never but so he does give plague the disc in the funniest handoff scene in cinema history. Oh my gosh, right? This is the most unnecessary handoff scene. Although what like real quickly finish it unnecessary, but thank you I remembered him skating more in this movie. This is the only scene He oh no no no he skates into the office at the beginning and then he's skateboarding through the office when Nikon is in there stealing passwords later Just skateboarding through a bunch of cubicles like an asshole and they look at each other and they're like, do I know you?
01:24:28
Speaker
But this handoff, we didn't say what it was. So John Lee Miller is there waiting and waiting and waiting because they do like a waiting montage. He's waiting in his fucking motorcycle outfit. And I just want someone to ride, like, come by and be like, what do you ride? What do you mean? Your outfit? Where's your bike? Are you broke down? You drive like a 76 Harley?
01:24:46
Speaker
No, that outfit. I roller. What are you ride? I surf the Internet. I roller blade. Get the fuck out of here. I think it's beat to death with chains. If he did, right. It's by chain. No, he's not writing at all. If he said if he did. It's probably it's not. ah It's actually it's a broad rocket. It's a scooter. Yeah. Oh, v thatbo that's my best. He's hanging out with the thing about getting a Vespa, though. It's funny. But yeah, so if Fisher Stevens comes up, there's a limo.
01:25:15
Speaker
Riding driving down the street very slowly. Fisher Stevens holding on to the window of the limo and riding his skateboard alongside it and just snatches this disc out of Johnny Lee Miller's hand and rides off into the steam of New York. Well, it's funny because as he keeps going, he reconnects with the car. and It looks like he's about to hit a fucking fire hydrant. And the next scene, it's just the car. No, him. And it's you,
Razor and Blade's Nightclub
01:25:36
Speaker
Norque.
01:25:37
Speaker
We've already established this. It was mostly not New York, that's for sure. She's making international talky talk. But yeah, so they have this whole montage of them trying to figure out what's on the disc. Johnny Lee Miller is like super hacking. The amount of shoulder hair this guy has on his body, he should not be sleeveless. He just didn't shave that day.
01:25:56
Speaker
And they figure out there's not a virus in the garbage file. It's a worm that's stealing cents from the dollars. We talked about that. And there's two days left. And also it's already stolen 21.8 million dollars, which is more than this. It's going to stop at twenty five or twenty eight. Twenty five. Twenty five. So I think Fisher Stevens real long term plan is go somewhere that's not expensive. Spend five million dollars and then spend the other 20 making hackers. Yeah.
01:26:21
Speaker
Good plan. Good plan. This is where he admits to them that he was zero cool. Fucking Nikon is like, for you know, I thought you were black. ah yeah I read about that case. I thought you were black. Yeah, everybody's kind of freaking out. I mean, Angelina Jolie's OK with it, but. so you were something when you were 11. But everybody else is like, holy shit. I think she's just as impressed, but she's trying to still be like aloof cool. Yeah. Especially because like she started to accept him and then he said, no, I won't help. So now she's extra. Like I'm a bitch to you. You can't let on how moist you are. Yeah.
01:26:53
Speaker
And then there's like another montage of them stealing codes and passwords and dumpster diving and shooting flares at people and sure all kinds of stuff. Sure. Very unnecessary scene. But we also get a little sexual tension. If I didn't live by a code, I'd use this.
01:27:08
Speaker
This moment's my advantage. You know, ironically, in case you didn't get it. And then she starts to take her pants down and then pulls out a flashlight. And she's like, look, mine's bigger. I heard you're like, thick black ones. Flashlights. Flashlights, dude. This is when Fisher Stevens launches the virus and the whole like, who wants to, who do you want to go to jail for 30 years, us or them? Yep. And he gets guilt to issue warrants for their arrest. So they're going to be arrested at 9 AM. m They overhear it because they tapped the phones.
01:27:37
Speaker
So now they have like a real ticking clock because the world's going to be covered in oil and they're going to go to jail. This is the back to the hacker manifesto. This is what you do it for. You don't do it because you want to steal money. You don't do it because you want fame. You do it because you have the power to make corporate places act better. Yeah.
01:27:55
Speaker
Kind of question mark is that is generally what most hackers did, right? Well, no, I mean, the the ones we've heard of, you know, they're stealing shit and doing it, but I think there was a point in time and I might just be from this movie, but I mean, I always had this impression from just Internet stuff I'd read and stuff that people, yeah, kind of like Robin Hood, they're out there, they're like, I can do something better because these people are pieces of shit and I'll prove it.
01:28:19
Speaker
But also, there was a lot of them that were just stealing money. I think this is glorifying it. There are definitely some out there that are Robin Hood style. The rest, I think it's just like, I just want your information and maybe I'll steal some money from you. I am with the scammer. Today, it's just all bots. Yeah, now it's all just identity theft and, you know, all that. Yep. We go to Razor and Blade's nightclub, which I'm surprised that Rob Zombie wasn't playing. They do have techno going, but I was expecting it to be like a techno remix of Rob Zombie, like from the Matrix soundtrack. Yeah.
01:28:48
Speaker
Uh, there's this band that starts playing. At this point, is it's still just White Zombie. I don't think we got Rob yet. That's why. I don't know. they There's no fucking techno remix of Dragula. They aren't burning through the witches. They aren't digging through the ditches? Yeah. Whatever that song is. In the back of my Dragula.
01:29:04
Speaker
Yeah. But there's this band that starts playing and apparently they're they're called an Urban Dance Squad. But they are like mumble at the machine. This is annoyed the machine. Yeah. Slightly perturbed with the machine. I don't know how to work this machine. Angry at my mother. Better name. It reminds me of when, um was it Run DMC that teamed up with aos Aerosmith? Aerosmith. It reminds me of that. I mean, it's a full on like Rage Against the Machine sound, just not good. Didn't a public enemy do something like this with Rage Against the Machine? like That sounds right. Sans, Zach De La Roca. Yeah, they did something. It was Tom Rillo and Y Tim Kay.
01:29:46
Speaker
Yeah, somebody from, yeah, there was a group where they did ah a side thing after they broke up. This is it, just not talented. Yeah. This is bad. That was bad too, though. This is worse. Maybe, yeah. This is my least favorite song. I only know these guys are called Urban Dance Squad because I hit that Google microphone button and the internet told me. I'm glad you did because I didn't want that on my history. I was gonna. Dude, my history is so trash. But someone's going to hack it and be like, what the fuck were you looking at this for? I'm hoping that someone hacks me and finds that and goes, this guy's not worth it.
01:30:15
Speaker
He doesn't have money. You know, I know he doesn't have money. He googled the urban dance squad. So they make a plan with Razor and Blade to basically you have an electronic army at their beck and call to help with this hack, this righteous hack.
01:30:31
Speaker
because they know it's going to take them five minutes. Yeah, there is this whole moment of like, and my acts. Exactly. That's exactly what it was. It because it was dated. They're like, it'll take you 10 minutes. And then Angela and Julie's like, with my bow, it will take seven minutes with my action or take six minutes with my sword. It'll take five. Well, all right.
01:30:52
Speaker
Or my magic, jack I guess. That's where Peter Jackson got it from, not the books. weird We are so close to having a Captain Planet of hackers right here. And Hart, the worst. I mean, there are those four. Well, yeah, I guess Joey. Joey is the little. Joey is the heart. Joey's the kid with the monkey in the heart. Yeah. Yeah. So when Joey shows shows up, they form Captain Hack the Planet. Yeah.
01:31:17
Speaker
Play by Don Cheadle. It's only going to be played by Don Cheadle, dude. So they they have go rollerblading. There's cops following them. They're about to arrest them. But Dade has a plan. He set up a timer to turn all the lights, at least in this part of New York green, which would ensue chaos. Oh, and it does in New York. Yeah. Oh, God. At 9 a.m. Yeah. They talk about fucking hacking the planet. You crashed a planet. And they go down into Grand Central Station and he's like, everybody use your best viruses to distract them while I find the garbage files. There's a hack battle that's our whole conclusion. What is this thing he's putting on his face?
01:31:57
Speaker
No idea. Virtual boy. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like virtual boy. I guess nowadays it's like, what do they call it? Google lens. Yeah. Is kind of what it is supposed to be. Yeah, but he also has a screen. Sure. So what is his eye screen doing?
Off-Topic Humor
01:32:12
Speaker
Second screen. Maybe. Because all I gotta do is focus on my left eye and I'm looking at that screen, which is just like a stick.
01:32:19
Speaker
with a screen on it. You know what it is? Look at my right eye. The production designer was like, dude, this looks cyberpunk as fuck. Yep. That's the that's the end of the question. Like the cell phone that Iggy is wearing with a microphone mr stephen the the Britney Spears headset. Oops, I hacked it again. I plagued with your heart. Oh.
01:32:42
Speaker
Yeah, but the headsets from toxic. Damn it. Strike that joke is terrible. The plague is toxic, right? How come nobody's name is toxic in this? You know the plague is toxic. Ooh. Here we go.
01:32:54
Speaker
I like it. I just don't know more words to that song to contribute. you took That's all I got. You took the good ones. I think that's the whole song. Your toxic love dripping over me. The taste of your poison. The taste of your plague is something nice. You don't hack me. This is the most two out of three of us are super unqualified to be trying to sing Britney Spears right now. One person is more qualified than us. But who knows? But who knows how qualified you know what? The subtitle of the podcast is unqualified assholes. So here we go. ah So they're they're sending all these different viruses to this company. Eliston or something. No one cares. Yeah, one of them just puts a weird screen saver on everybody's screens. ah First, it's just like, oh, that's Joey. It's the bouncy ball. But he's using Matthew Lillard's computer and it's the bouncy ball with Matthew Lillard's logo. And then it switches to sit on my interface, which made me laugh. I like it. Sit on my interface. Please sit on my interface. Then there's the cookie monster virus. And this one of those ones I always just went, that's so stupid. that's good It's a real thing.
01:34:01
Speaker
Um, so even when Fisher Stevens yells type in cookie, it'll go away. That's a real thing from what I was reading online. It was this thing that would come up and it would be like, oh, I want cookie, whatever. And it was stealing shit from you while it was doing it. You type in cookie and it would go away. If you typed in Oreo, it would go away longer. But it would still come back all the time. Wild. It didn't. I don't think it had these animations. Chip Ahoy.
01:34:25
Speaker
Chips Ahoy, it just keeps eating your computer. Thin Mints, Samoa's that just destroys your fucking CPU. There's another one that's like a rabbit jumping around, stealing data. And thank God Homegirl. Why is it called a rabbit? She's she's asking the questions that like the audience needs to know. Yeah, I also would have been like, you need to get out of the room because all she's doing is screaming for someone to explain it. It's like you're never going to understand it. Cancer, brain, brain cancer. What the fuck? Who the fuck is the Colonel?
01:34:55
Speaker
ah that would be the mainframe I've got 16 herbs and spices I would like to place inside your CPU if it pleases 16 bits and spices if it is like a core I would like to download your hard drive another mean hall how are you single I don't know copy paste because this doesn't turn off like this is you think it's like oh man that's fun Jack does voices stuff then you eventually live with me youre like Jack doesn't stop doing voice do you think he ever turns off no no yeah so he just takes notes about your life
01:35:33
Speaker
I'm always taking notes. It's for my future podcast. It's going to be. It brings out a sponge like, do you remember 1995 when you said this? I'm going to take all these notes and then when she eventually murders me, she'll use those notes to start a true crime project. Yeah. A crab crash. A crab cast? A crab cast. No, he's doing it. So if I do murder him, he has the proof that I did it.
01:35:59
Speaker
Allegedly. they get dued leaves They get their hacker army to show up, do all this stuff. It's people all around the world. All over the world. In various dumb hacker costumes. It reminded me so fucking much of Independence Day, when they like when they load the virus into the mothership, them being Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith, and then they start fucking getting on the horn and it's every nationality. It's like French people, it's the Koreans, it is fucking... Everybody. Africa has it. like Roland Emmerich would have loved this movie if any of these circuit boards would have been exploded. This mainframe at the end that gets fried would have been a big bad a boom. Yeah. And it would have blown up where they at New York. It would have blown up the Statue of Liberty. And then they have. He hates landmarks. There's another scene here where there's like. Oh, he does.
01:36:41
Speaker
They're all in their phone booths that they're in doing their hacky stuff, but they have them on like a rotating platform. Instead of taking the camera and going around, they have it spinning and it's playing like fucking Cinemax port music. I just thought about being hungover. Like, all right, Miss Joey, it's your turn to just, we're just going to spin it. Joey Lee Miller looks like he's having a grand old time. He's got a big smile on his face.
01:37:00
Speaker
But I also want this is how I learned how to speak English. They're on the bottom floor of the Grand Central, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so they go and get them like the Richard. Oh, they by the way, our hackers had sent Matthew Lillit away because he had to fix the phones. Yeah. And we didn't really know what that meant. But it's this. Now we know those phones are being used to. Yeah, he's got little devices on those that are another like jumping. on And it's also important that he's not there. Yes.
01:37:26
Speaker
because they end up doing it by the power of friendship because he even says Fisher Stevens is like, did you can't beat me? He's like, I probably can't, but we can. Oh, we are Captain Hack the Planet. Yes. And Don Cheadle comes to save the day. And then he finally finds a garbage file and it gets downloaded in seconds. Joey's the one that ends up doing it, which is a cool thing, because he's the... he now gets He's about to have a handle. We don't know what it is, do we? No, we don't. No, but this is his righteous hack, dude. I'd call him Clutch, something Clutch. Just Clutch, dude. Yeah, but you have to have another thing like Big Clutch and call him Clutch, because everybody, Serial Killer, is called Serial.
01:38:07
Speaker
Oh, Acidburn is Burn. Nykon is just Nykon. Nope, Lord Nykon. They gave us aliens. He's Lord Nykon, Phantom Freak. How? I know his names and you aren't. Because they're not real names. Oh, that's why. because it's star wars so um Phantom Freak goes over to Lord Nykon. Lord Nykon goes to Acidburn and says, we got to get to Crash and Burn. He used to be zero cool.
01:38:31
Speaker
i don some forget about serial killer don serial killer and lord city is sued city they'll give me a start i would just call fruit or loops and bere like what's up loops I'm not do it in this podcast, but I'm working a song that helps me think of the ah Sith lineage
01:38:48
Speaker
Yeah, that'll be a special episode. It's going to be like 10 seconds. Aye, aye, aye. I'm just kidding. No, I need that. I really want to hear it. I need that. Not right now. In our Captain Hack the Planet series that we've now invented, is Angelina Jolie the water
Character Comparisons and Defense
01:39:02
Speaker
one because she's just gushing all over? Yes. She's the wettest. Johnny Lee Miller is the fire one. No, he's the hard on. No, no, that's the little kid. No, so it's Earth Wind Fire, Earth Wind Fire Water Heart. So.
01:39:17
Speaker
No, Lord Nikon has to be Earth because this is the 90s and Earth was the black kid. Yeah, he's not wrong. but Also, she needs to be fired because she's acid burned. Oh, so she's playing Wheeler. and then he would be Wheeler was the redhead that was fire. you be I guess you would know. You better fucking believe I remember that shit.
01:39:36
Speaker
So I want to say she's she's fire. He Johnny is going to be ah water because crash and burn into the water. I believe that was Guy. I don't know. Crash override into the water. That was Kami. And then they're all kind um Earth would be Nikon and wind would be cereal because he's high all the time. Yeah. Well, no. And I'll say he flies around and he's a leaf in the wind. There's no place because he's blowing smoke. Oh, shit.
01:40:05
Speaker
These guys are off screen taking ecstasy. Oh, so Joey's Joey's monkey is a pack of cigarettes. We talked about monkey fucking lighting these cigarettes off. There you go. Oh, my God. We made it work. Bringing it back. Look at that. So they they kill the gibs and everybody teams up. This thing is frying. The plague is just screaming like, you can't defeat me like a fucking Captain America. Imagine how hot that server room is or captain. How sexy it is. No, like, oh, temperature hot. Yeah.
01:40:33
Speaker
shuts everything down. Fisher Steve is losing his shit. The tankers stop capsizing when they do this. So everybody's like, wait a second. Hold on. They don't really get that. But I think that's what they're letting you know. And they big up on the screen there. I don't think we said it earlier, but mess with the best. I like the rest, which is what he said to ah when they were doing their their hacky, hack, talky, talk. That's what he and when they were doing the calls about. She's like, that was you.
01:40:57
Speaker
Didn't you say mess with the best? I like the rest. He's like, yeah, it just walks off. Sounds like it should be getting to bed and get some head. No, give some head. You're my both. You're my slave now. As this all ends, Gil actually finds them. Yeah. Freeze. They all get arrested. Freak tosses the disk into a trash can. No, Johnny does. Oh, is it Johnny? Yeah. Freaks in jail. No freaks with them. Oh, that's right. He is. But it is. It is. It is Johnny. Jade.
01:41:27
Speaker
um And on on the way out, he starts screaming at because Matthew Lillie is out there dressed like a tourist, I guess. He's got a Knicks hat on. This is New York. Nobody gives a shit as long as you're wearing some fucking New York sporting team wearing Yankees, a meds, a meato. Yeah. Just don't wear a fucking goddamn giant hat. But he's got a cowboy hat. Oh, God, no.
01:41:46
Speaker
He's yelling, they're trashing our rights, man. They're trashing the internet. I don't know what he's saying. Trash internet disk. You get it, right? Hack the planet. And Matthew Lillard yells back. I got hiccups all of a sudden. Yells back, hack the planet. Like, A-OK. Roger, 10-4. Which, I'm sorry. Anybody saying this phrase is a fucking secret service you might get him. Yeah, exactly. He knows the phrase. That's their phrase. That's their thing. Maybe they're just like, oh, he's getting these people all riled up. He's the only one riled up.
01:42:14
Speaker
well You know, it's the weirdest look at. Matthew Miller is going to love jail. Oh, I bet he would. It is this character, not him. But how does he know exactly which trash can to go to? The other one they walked past on their way out. Yeah. OK. Well, he finds it and then call back to the other does that Jolie found on the back of the condom dispenser. There's gum on it. He's like.
01:42:35
Speaker
There's a security guard behind him when he was digging through the trash. Like this guy walks up and I thought he was about to get grabbed, but it just cuts away. No, that was probably a fucking hobo. That was probably there. And then they were like our 45 guys you'll wrap it up. Also, it probably had a scene of him going through all the trash cans like you didn't tell me which one to go through. Like, dude, we got to we got to get out of here. But when they're in jail, Jade's mom comes in.
01:42:58
Speaker
And they turn on the microphone or the intercom to listen to it. Yeah, Johnny. in Yeah. And you can hear her sticking up for him because she's like, dude, my kid can do some fucked up shit, but he would never hurt anybody doing it. He's a fucking genius. Yeah. You guys are pieces of shit. And I'm like, hey, the the news people are here for that press conference. She's like, good, because I'm going to say some shit to him. And he's like, no, you're not or you're in fucking jail. And then he threaten my fucking life. Angelina is like, she's fucking amazing. And then Johnny's like, I know my life. Because you can just feel that Angelina Jolie's mom is rich, but probably not there. Never there. Yeah, like, hey, have this dope-ass little apartment you can party in, but I'm gonna be on a book tour. Yep. Juices! I'm on a tour of France, fucking Frenchman.
01:43:38
Speaker
I'm trying to educate women one tongue at a time. Sorry, I said deuces, but I only held up my middle fingers. That's true. But then so during the press conference, Gil is talking serial cuts in because he's got the help of razor and blade. He tells the whole story of the movie we just watched. ah Calls out Lorraine Bracco and the plague by name. Lorraine Bracco goes to jail.
01:44:01
Speaker
ah The plague gets away on a plane to Tokyo with a terrible fake mustache and beard and wig. And well, I think it's supposed it is a wig, but I think it's supposed to be just his hair bleached or grade or grade. Yeah, I think it's it is. The hair looks the best out of the things. I mean, the the the beard mustache combo thing. Also, you know, we talked about it with on the other podcast and or shave your face. How different would you do you think a lot of people would recognize your husband with a clean shave face? no I don't think anybody would recognize them. You put them in a- You put them in a- Hey guys, you wanna go play stickball? You put them in a New York fucking nix hat and a fucking shaved face and you have them sell newspapers in the corner for a nickel. Extra, extra, read all about it. The plague goes to jail. Hack the planet, hack the planet.
Logic Critiques and Playful End
01:44:49
Speaker
Uh, but yeah, I love it. He's like, he asked for a pillow, puts his hand up to grab it, gets handcuffed. Now, once again, the fucking sea attracts of secret service because you could, you knew where he was going or else you wouldn't be on this plane. Yeah. You knew where he was going to be or else you wouldn't be on this plane. You knew what time he's leaving.
01:45:09
Speaker
or else you wouldn't be on this plane. But yet you wait till it's over the fucking ocean on the way to Tokyo and handcuff them. Right before- Well, wait, aren't you- This is how you get a passenger 57 situation. Absolutely. Aren't you out of jurisdiction?
01:45:22
Speaker
ah Not yet. I think you're on the water think on the plane you're still... cause Even if you don't have jurisdiction at the end of the day, all you have to do is handcuff them and wait until you hit. I guarantee you Japan has extradition with you guys. He's also in as you land. Okinawa is an air force base. Okinawa is barely Japan at this point. And he is exactly he's committing international crimes. He's trying to spill oil tankers into the ocean. Yeah. So this is like you can arrest them as the Secret Service under like the umbrella of Interpol or something. I would imagine. I can imagine it's all. Yeah. But either way, now you got to fucking wait for this. I'm from the land in Japan. Because they wanted to go to Japan. I'm from the end. You know, the United Nations, but it's on instead. I am here to arrest you. I am from the end. Sorry, we just did Street Fighter. It was amazing. That's in the future. Sorry, we're about to do Street Fighter. It's fine. It's amazing. Oh, my God, I can see the future. I see Street Fighter in my future. We want to see Street Fighter. I see it in my future. That's my attempt. It's a great attempt because as Jack told me on our hard target episode, it doesn't matter because he doesn't know what he's saying most of the time. Exactly. Exactly. I heard he's super coked out in that movie.
01:46:38
Speaker
Which one? All of them. Yup. Anything before 1999. And after. I think he quit. Otherwise he'd be dead by now. His heart would not handle that shit. He's got a pig heart. He has money. He doesn't have the money for it. He spends $10,000 a week on GoK. Not anymore. hilly does cool oh The price went up. Now he spends $20,000. No, he's scared. Dude, he sees jelly beans now. Snips pixie sticks.
01:47:05
Speaker
The movie ends with Johnny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie fucking in a pool. They go on their date. Yeah, but I know. But this line, I like this line. You look really pretty in that dress. It looked better on you. Fuck. Yeah, I'd look better on him because I don't know what the fuck this thing is. She's wearing. Well, it's like a Japanese kind of this is a David Bowie music video dress. Yes. Not for David Bowie. Somebody in the background.
01:47:28
Speaker
Yeah, it would look better on him and while they're and they get up to this roof pool you call me just Don't do do that he can barely stay above water because he's wearing jeans awkward when put your legs down But like everything they're making out in the pool their friends hack this these buildings to spell crash and burn the lights are flashing on and off All I could think was now he did that somebody and definitely did that i I think they're friends he did that because they're jiving back and forth about like the competition was a stalemate okay so this is him like oh you think I you think we tied bam but you are right if you're in this office building or god forbid it's an apartment this light is flashing Yeah. Like, imagine you had to stay late to collate papers or whatever you do in an office. It's pronounced coagulate. You had to get the TP report or whatever. TPS report. And they're trying to work and all of a sudden the lights are just flashing on and off. Your computer's going on and off because he's just got the entire building rigged. That's it. I'm going home.
01:48:29
Speaker
lost everything or it's an apartment building. You're sitting there. The sun's coming up. So you're like, I have to get up for work in less than an hour. What is happening in my apartment right now? Fucking devil's advocate. Dude, there's somebody who thinks they have mind control because they're on drugs. Like watch you every time I blink. Oh, did the lights come out? Oh, my God. We've got to go do something. This guy's Joey. Joey, that's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. That's right. This guy's been saying that for the or Phoebe has been saying that for months because she's like, look, i close my eyes. All the lights turn off.
01:48:59
Speaker
But now it's I have superpowers. Dude, I took so many mushrooms. I can control lights. Watch this. And the movie ends with them fucking. Oh, it is a podcast when I snapped. That'd be good. Well, no outro. No next time. No Patreon plug. No thanking Pat from Evasion. But that's the end of the episode. So let's do recommendations. We'll start with wife.
01:49:21
Speaker
I fucking love this movie. I will always watch it when it's on. Just fucking watch it. Yeah, it's a 90s movie, so you need to be in a 90s mindset. I say three thumbs. Jacques. Yeah, full recommend, dude, without pretty much any caveats. I mean, I did watch it with you guys, but I didn't drink while watching it.
01:49:40
Speaker
And kind of loved it. Just had a lot of nostalgia and just fun things. And Angelina Jolie's boobs and boobs. So yeah I agree. I have such a boob out. I agree. I recommend it. Obviously, it's like I said at the top, it's one of the ones that I started this for. But also like, yes, it's bad and stupid, but it's fun to watch. And yes.
01:50:03
Speaker
Typing on a computer is not the most exciting thing to see as we learn in and multiple cyber thrillers of the 90s. But it's just the way they do it, it's fun. They got the spinny phone boost. They got the sky surfing through digital landscapes. And I think you nailed it though. Fun.
01:50:19
Speaker
I did make a comment during it it was like, I love seeing what people thought the Internet was back in the early. Oh, I always loved that virtual reality. I love that. Speaking of movies about the Internet from the 90s, I read a thing that I guess when the movie launched, because we had websites for movies at this point already. yeah The Internet did exist. um I guess they did. They did a thing on their website the day it launched to make it look like the website had been hacked. And there was like digital graffiti on there, whatever, basically telling people to go see the net instead.
01:50:50
Speaker
Oh, wow. What a choice. Which might be why this movie only made $7 million. dollars And you said, what, hour 40? Yeah, hour 45. It's great. Felt tighter. It was good. It didn't feel long, except for every my my one complaint, was they go with the same visuals too often. It's like, we get it. You're you're lingering on this shot. Move on, and we can shave this down by six, seven minutes. Yeah. um ah So the last thing I want to talk to you guys about, I want you guys to guess.
01:51:20
Speaker
Because I have a list of people that Ian Softley auditioned for Angelina Jolie's role. So it's 1995. They have a fairly unknown people, I think. Well, not I guess they're not all fairly unknown. One of them is very big at this point, but I'm saying Winona Ryder. No one on a writer that they're on this list. No, I got Hilary Swank, Helen Hunt, Heather Graham.
01:51:43
Speaker
Helen Hunt. Helen Hunt? Auditioning is what? The grandma? The mother. What did we wait what child you it's just She's the girlfriend. Oh, she was the hot girl in. ah Trancers. Trancers. Yeah. Who? Helen Hunch. She's never been the hot girl or anything. Go watch Trancers. She is smoking. She's also 21. So Hilary Swank, Heather Graham, and Liv Tyler. That was my next fucking guess. Liv Tyler would be tough to believe any computer jargon. She's not smart, no. I like Angelina Jolie for that. I think I think you cast the best role. My big complaint for the casting is the main guy, Dade. He's flat. Like he's he's obviously not. Well, it's because he's trying to be American. Exactly, pal. I'm doing it flawlessly. It's just he's he's boring. Everybody else, I think, fits the role very well. The dude played Nikon's great. Obviously, I liked him. I mean, his name is zero cools. Well, you have to carry. Yeah.
01:52:46
Speaker
You like to carry Lee Miller. If you ever listen to this, I love you. If you put even fucking I came to think of a guy Keanu Reeves would kill right here. Yeah, but he'd already done a point break. He's already hes doing doing it right now. Yeah, I guess I guess he was doing it. That's my one tiny thing. And if I could go back in the past and instead of killing Hitler, I would replace this guy.
01:53:10
Speaker
He's got to write the wrongs in history and write the right wrongs. um Yeah. So that's the end of that movie. We all recommended it. You should watch it. Yeah, we watched it on the Shout Factory 4K, which I think is still available. But yeah I think you can stream it.
01:53:25
Speaker
Not paying us. They never are. We are paying them. Yes, we are. I tell people in case they are also physical media fans and they want to know where to find it. No, it's a good thing. Because I had somebody ask one day like, oh, I found this DVD, but it's on the site. Keno Lorber? Is that a trusted thing? That sounds kind of hacky. I was like, oh, no, no. Because of Derek, I know that Keno Lorber is definitely where you go to get this movie.
01:53:48
Speaker
It was some old World War II movie as well as I get. Oh, that's that's one of their big things. Yeah, old shit that no one's ever seen. Yeah. ah So it is available right now for free on Prime ah Roku to be. And you can also pay to rent it or buy it on Amazon, Apple TV, et cetera. So it's it's worth the probably four bucks going to be to rent it.
01:54:09
Speaker
Yeah, it's like 389 to rent it. 399 on Apple. Yeah, get that extra 10 cents. Send that and have a great time with it. Watch it with some friends. And you know, you don't need to be drinking, but it's not going to hurt. It's just a lot of fun. A lot of fun. All I'm saying is when we say we like this movie, no one here is saying this movie should have won any awards. No. No awards won. It's just a lot of fun. It's a fun movie to watch. It might be up for a Giuseppe on Best Nerps.
Soundtrack and Future Episodes
01:54:33
Speaker
And like my guest, Jacqueline, here said, my co-host,
01:54:37
Speaker
It has a wonderful soundtrack for it. It yeah matches the movie perfectly. at The time, everything. You're making a 90s movie. You made it sound like it. Thank you. Yes, it was. So next week, we are doing our Derka classic movies installment for the month, which I did watch ahead of time, Jack. Oh, finally, dude. Is it Tracer's?
01:54:58
Speaker
No, that's not old enough. Trancers, by the way, which stars Tim Tomerson, who was in Cherry 2000. Who the fuck is Tim Tomerson? He was in Cherry 2000. He led the, like, Swinger cult that was barbecuing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's also in Whose Cherry Crumb. Got it. Yeah. ah But the movie for next week, I believe, is 1954. It might be 58. I can't remember the date now, but it's called Curaçu, Beast of the Amazon.
01:55:25
Speaker
And you can guess what it's about. I'm not excited. It's a funny. i so It's got a really cool movie monster. Sounds like drinking scotch. Is it a snake? No, you watched it. and Well, you didn't watch it. You were next to me while I watched it. Did I look up and see the monster? You did. Was it a snake? The lead. The lead guy is like a tough white guy whose name is Rock. Oh, are you sure I watched it?
01:55:51
Speaker
You were sitting next to me.
Patreon Promotion and Closing
01:55:53
Speaker
Don't forget to check out our Patreon at patreon dot.com slash worst people three dollars a month. You get extra episodes every month. You get hot took shots first early and ad free. Thank you to the people that are Patreon members. Yes. Thank you to our patrons. We will have more content in the future, too. Besides just that, we just we need more patrons to justify the time and labor that goes into it. Yeah. This is a labor of love, but also it's a labor. Please, if you love us. The time valit time that Derek spends editing.
01:56:18
Speaker
Girl because the recording is not the worst thing in the world. It's fun. I have a great time with you guys Yeah, but we can't just release it that way No, so now we hate your unless you guys really want to listen to four and a half hours of us talking about hard target All right, you can send me the Derek cut of that one. No, it's unedited. Send me the derka cut
01:56:39
Speaker
And then our episode this month on Patreon will be on tremors the original but Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Victor Wong, ah that girl from Victor Wong, that girl from Jurassic Park. Oh, yeah. She's a wee baby. Corey Feldman. But this thank you, Vasion, of course, for our opening and closing music. Thank you, guys. Thank you.
01:57:01
Speaker
Go throw money at Patch. He works at the moon on 4th Avenue in Tucson, Arizona. Like literally run into the moon right next to bison witches and be like, is Patch here? We're like, yeah, he'll come right out and comes out. Just throw him like a twenty dollar bill and be like, fuck invasion and run out. I love it. So that's it for this week. I've been Derek. I'm Crash. I'm Jack. Hack the planet. Zero.
01:57:57
Speaker
I don't even have a vagina.