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Ep 149: Steel
3 Playsin 4 hours
In 1997, Shaquille O' Neill was on top of the world. He was one of the most famous basketball players in the country, he'd won gold at the 1996 Olympics, had 3 rap records, and a film in which he played a genie titled Kazaam. While the albums and film weren't massive successes, it didn't stop him from jumping on another film opportunity, 1997's DC Comics adaptation STEEL! He plays John Henry Irons, a weapons developer for the US military, who retires after an accident and has to don a suit of armor to stop an evil Judd Nelson from selling secretly developed weapons to street gangs. With the help of his friends Shaft and Annabeth Gish, he battles street crime in spectacularly stupid fashion.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Bad Movies, Worst People'
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Bad Movies, Worst People. This week, we're professional. Don't be the hot dog. Eat the hot dog. Eat it. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm the hot dog.
00:00:10
Speaker
And I already said this is Bad Movies, Worst People. What is it? What is it?
00:00:47
Speaker
It's June.
Exploring 'Steel' Movie and DC Character
00:00:48
Speaker
Oh, fuck. Get ready, roll your R's. Superhero. Spectacular. That's right. And we are talking about the classic superhero...
00:01:00
Speaker
And DC property, Steel. Steel. Do you remember this character DC at all? I don't know. i't I don't think Whitney would. I'm not a big DC person. Why? Why wouldn't I know?
00:01:13
Speaker
Because you wouldn't re be reading comic books. You were busy having sex with chicks. Was. Was. i I don't Jared are doing the cool stuff, like reading comics. I know of the existence of Steel. I don't think I've ever read a comic book that he was in So it was after Death of Superman, there there was just a bunch of different Superman type things. There was like Superboy. There was a, can't remember all the variants, but there this was one of them.
00:01:38
Speaker
And he was much more of an Iron Man yeah than what we got. Gherkin. Good God. Yeah, you just spit all over the TV. Does he have a boner now?
00:01:50
Speaker
ah Probably. Just told me a story about fucking boner sneezes, which I'm pretty sure is just an orgasm.
00:01:58
Speaker
Oh, I'm sorry. I love you, baby. What I do know... You're sorry? You love him? She said it before. She'll say it again. What I do know is that The character Steel, the copyright for Steel, the character name for actual Steel, has belonged to DC for longer than this character's existed.
00:02:19
Speaker
Because they had um on ah the original Steel was Hank Haywood, a soldier whose skeleton was largely replaced with metal and took on the identity of Steel to fight Nazis.
00:02:30
Speaker
Wouldn't that be Iron Man? Well, that's closer to Wolverine. Or Iron Man, Wolverine. That's closer to Wolverine. That's meant. I don't know why Iron Man came out. Which sounds like it's before Wolverine. And I don't know if it's a DC thing from Nazi times or if it's a DC thing from later. I don't know DC that well.
Humorous Tangents and Director Highlights
00:02:46
Speaker
Yeah, i'm not I'm not the biggest DC fan. Does it stand for dark comics? Detective. Oh, it's dark. It's Detective Comics because ah ah bat Batman is the world's greatest detective. Allegedly. so It's dark comics.
00:03:00
Speaker
Everything's darker, DC. This movie is directed by Kenneth Johnson. Thank you, Kenneth, for this gem who Directed Short Circuit 2.
00:03:13
Speaker
Couldn't even get the first one. And he wrote D3, Mighty Ducks. Well. ah Is that the college one? That's them in college. That's the one I never saw. Yeah. That's my least watched D. And he also created the Bionic Woman television show.
00:03:29
Speaker
Okay. So we didn't those are the things he did. Nope. That didn't happen. That last one's not real. That's what IMDB says. Bionic Woman? yeah why are we giving them power terrifying you sitting in the chair talking like that makes no sense i don't know why we're giving women power you know what i'll tell you what a gadget though if she could put her little finger out and little egg beater came out that wouldn't be half bad i'm saying like if she's gonna in the kitchen use that in the bedroom you got no we'd just lay there we cut a hole in the sheet and we just soak
00:04:01
Speaker
And then she goes back to her bed. And she goes, but yep, if we're having a good night, push them beds right together. And I'll say, watch out for the crack. But that's when she's behind me. But after we're done, she pushes them back apart. I'm asleep.
00:04:14
Speaker
I'm sleeping. I lost the power to stay awake. I was dreaming I was some sort of raccoon in
Casting and Box Office Performance
00:04:19
Speaker
a trash can. And apparently Kenneth Johnson also co-wrote that really cool song in this movie, like Steel, whatever. i really I can't even remember it. What a bangers fucking soundtrack and score this movie doesn't have.
00:04:33
Speaker
This movie sounds like, i don't even know, sad carnival music.
00:04:42
Speaker
It's Randy Newman on a bad acid trip. It's Randy Newman doing a superhero movie. Yeah. But no one told him he was doing a superhero movie. Steal. Yeah, steal.
00:04:53
Speaker
I got a hammer, but I'm not going to kill because I'm seven foot six. Look this stack of cash. I've been stealing. Yeah, yes deal um So we'll play the box office game. Somewhat professional. This will be a fun one. Okay.
00:05:06
Speaker
Box office. We get the budget. Yeah. Or do you want to the budget? No, we get the budget. The budget's going to be like eight million. $16 million. dollars It made 8 million. yeah I was just going to say it made. 6 million.
00:05:20
Speaker
I guess theoretically the words that came out of Jack's mouth were closer because it was 1.8 million. boy. Wow. eight million oh boy wow And it doesn't have like a big underground cult fall. I'm aware of you like Renaissance on DVD. No. Around the table. First time seeing it.
00:05:39
Speaker
I saw it. Okay. But i don't remember. so two and a half. I actually just saw it a few minutes ago too. And also still don't remember anything. Yeah. I know. We had to hit record quick. Cause it was it's rapidly leaving my brain. um But I'll be honest.
00:05:54
Speaker
I didn't hate it the way I thought I was going to. No, but do you know why? Because we were together. we We were together, but also... That sounded so lame like friendship. It's because we were together.
00:06:06
Speaker
and through no through like with With friendship, togetherness, you can get through any movie. Not Empire Vance. We got through it. Not Transformers
Plot Overview and Supporting Characters
00:06:16
Speaker
The Last Night 3. We could get through that if we don't have to record an episode. and We can just get real drunk. The problem is going to be trying to recall all that three hour information. to talk about the first movie or the second movie? Because I had to pause to take a shit.
00:06:30
Speaker
I took a nap and came back to Canada. I took a crap nap. So this is the the only the second comic book movie to feature ah black lead. and Okay, we got Blaine. The first one.
00:06:43
Speaker
Blade was 98. Oh, okay. Was it 98? Yeah. Oh, so Spawn. Spawn came out two months or two weeks before this, which is probably why this did so poorly. Spawn was out there just killing the box office.
00:06:57
Speaker
Did Bond do that well? I doubt it. I've been being sarcastic. i remember liking that movie up until the end. Friend of the show, Classy, was just referencing that. He's like, I'm going to watch it and see if it's as bad as everybody says.
00:07:08
Speaker
And I don't think it's as bad until that end part. It did a whole fuck lot better than this movie. Okay. We can't know because we're going to do fun. You'll forget. Oh, absolutely. We're not doing until after I get that Arrow 4K, so it'll be sometime next year. Yeah, we have a year. Oh, next summer got a whole other plan. I mean, we're talking about the chick that knows Leia's cell number and I ain't talking said, what's up, girl? What you up to? I got you, Sally. That movie cost $20 million, but it made $87.8 million. Oh much better So it made 86 million dollars more than this movie Yeah Much better Yeah you didn't have this fucking chick pooping around just dead eyeing the movie my god she's the worst Let's get into this cause I wanna rip on her little bit And yes Blade was 98 I had to double check But speaking of Blade
00:07:55
Speaker
Guess who they originally wanted to play Steel? Wesley Snipes? Yeah. I mean, he would have blended in more because it's really obvious. But like, hey, we need to find this seven foot six black dude from the project. It's like, okay. Okay, there's a superhero running around.
00:08:09
Speaker
He's got his face covered, so I don't know who he is. But he's about 14 feet tall. And he does this a lot. He was... He kept talking about the general. I don't know who the general is, but he kept saying, yeah have the general you know give me a call for quotes. but Kenneth Johnson, the director, wanted Wesley Snipes. Warner Brothers wanted Shaq because they thought Shaq would sell more toys. Oh, man, you fucked up.
00:08:34
Speaker
Wesley Snipes would have sold you at least one toy. You know what, though? I'm glad they didn't because he probably wouldn't have been in Blade if he had done Steel. He would have been like, I ain't doing that comic book shit We'll see if it would have succeeded, though. Yeah, we don't know. if they still had this ah fucking Annabeth Gish.
00:08:53
Speaker
Annabeth Gish is playing Sparky. This movie still would have failed. Maybe she can't play off of Shaq because who can? Everybody else in this movie? This is not everybody's best role because you're acting with pieces of cardboard.
00:09:09
Speaker
she's She's worse than Shaq. I mean, the only thing I really know like she's in movies I've seen. I don't remember her. She's in Double Jeopardy, Wyatt Earp, SLC Punk, Mystic Pizza. But I remember her as Monica Reyes from the latter bad seasons of X-Files. Gotcha. She comes in after Mulder is left. But when the T2 guy has started being an X-Files guy. Oh, yeah. Robert Patrick.
00:09:34
Speaker
And then Scully is still there. But I think if I remember right, she ends up becoming basically the Scully to t two man Yeah, something like that. but yeah She was fine in that. You remembered his name and you're like, T2 Man. He's still T2 Man. Alright, fair.
00:09:49
Speaker
ah Peacemaker's dad. Sure. um I don't like John Cena, so i haven't watched Peacemaker. It's so good. I don't care. Does have John Cena? There's a second season coming out. Does it have John Cena?
00:10:03
Speaker
No, it's got Peacemaker. You're a liar. You're a filthy fucking liar. He's such a good actor that he is Peacemaker. Yeah. I don't believe you. Got your liar faces on. You're working in tandem.
00:10:14
Speaker
Do you stay up at night together? like I'm going to record Peacemaker on my phone with like a Snapchat filter over John Cena's face the whole time. And then you can just watch that. Dope.
00:10:24
Speaker
He's just running around with like a sloth on his shoulder or like a goofy face. Give him a Danny Trejo's face or something. Yeah. All right. um But apparently this movie did so poorly and was so maligned that in the third draft of the Superman Lives movie, which was never made, the one that Tim Burton was supposed to make with Nicolas Cage.
00:10:45
Speaker
So you're telling me Superman has like all these superpowers, you know, super strong, but he can't save his hairline. Yeah. Cool. Cool. There is a ballroom scene in Metropolis. One of the guests is John Henry Irons, and the script specifically wrote for Shaquille O'Neal to be in it.
00:11:05
Speaker
And during the scene, Lex Luthor slash Brainiac or somebody shoots everyone in the room. John gets shot to bits, confirming he's dead. Never coming back.
00:11:15
Speaker
He'd get him out of the DCEU. Hey, you know what? James Gunn can bring him in. If anybody can do it's James Gunn. I'm sure he'll bring it in Steel. yeah Not Shaq. Not Shaq. God, no. you get ah You can't get Jonathan Majors. Get Charles Barkley.
00:11:33
Speaker
Now he's got to stand up. He kept rescuing everybody just calling everybody terrible. Charles Barkley would be Annabeth Gish's part because he's he doesn't get out of chair anymore. Now we're talking. Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodden would be great except for that fucking suit would have like a pink mohawk coming off of it.
00:11:48
Speaker
Fuck yeah. All kinds of graffiti on it. I'm liking this. It's just like if Simon Says was a superhero movie. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Nice reference, dude. Do you want to watch it? Yeah. right. Let's record first. Simon Says and Dane Cook.
00:12:02
Speaker
So we start the movie with this stock footage of molten steel and really terrible music. a very long while. And then we get a tank. being blasted by a laser mounted with Roman cannons. It's sonic waves. This is the best way.
00:12:17
Speaker
Yeah, this is ah this is the the laser pointer.
Shaq's Superhero Suit and Patreon Pitch
00:12:20
Speaker
because Oh, that's right. Because I thought to myself, like, what a way to test your weapon. All right, put a bunch of guys in this tank. We're going to use live laser ammunition, whatever you want to call it, until it heats up and then their you know balls start cooking. yeah I thought I smelled roasted nuts because we get yeah we get the second line in the movie is I thought I smelled roasted nuts by welcome back Charles Napier welcome back Charles Napier he was on Rambo or sorry first blood ah ri ah for Rambo colon first blood part two wasn't it first blood part two Rambo the beginning of the end when I start wearing a red bandana and then later i'm going to get juiced out monster rewards that was two Rambo two furious okay got it
00:12:57
Speaker
ah Rambo to electric stab at Charles Napier also from Jack's favorite movie, jury duty. Yeah. I also he's also in my actual favorite movie. One of my favorite movies, Blues Brothers. Yeah, he is in Blues Brothers. He's in Philadelphia. So he does good movies. and He also does steal.
00:13:12
Speaker
He's just a working man. Yeah, he's a working man a grumpy old man. And if you need a grumpy old man and you don't want to hire Walter Matthau or Jack Lemmon, then you get Charles Napier or fart and raise your or ah Charlton Heston. He'd be good, too.
00:13:26
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I like him and Sidney Slickers. Isn't it, a oh God, wait. That's Jack Palance. Jack Palance or Palance? Doesn't matter. It's not his real last name.
00:13:38
Speaker
It's very, very Russian. But I always think of, is it Charlton Heston in Wayne's World 2? He's like, Gordon Street. I remember Gordon Street. Dude, I know it's a small role. Can we get somebody better? he starts telling the story, just crying. Thank you.
00:13:53
Speaker
um And yeah, basically they're testing these weapons. Let's just get through the beginning here. Shaq is a weapons designer. Sure. Yep. Named John Henry Irons. Shaq, if you don't know, played basketball, was in a movie called Kazam.
00:14:05
Speaker
i
00:14:09
Speaker
Yep. Summed it up perfectly. He also had a rap record out there. Sure he did. It was also terrible. Uh-huh. He's actually going on tour right now. Good God. I'll go. That's what we were watching. I'll go in the same breath.
00:14:23
Speaker
Good God, how much of tickets, babe? I saw fucking Corey Feldman. That's not something to brag about, though. You guys say it like you're cool. buy that really cool box that he had, but I wasn't paying $120 for Corey Feldman CDs.
00:14:35
Speaker
I don't think the military is going to let Shaq in. No. They'd have to redo all of his clothes. All right, put this guy. You've seen like boot camp shit. Put this guy in a bed. Put this guy in a normal size bed. Show me him to sleeping in a normal size bed.
00:14:48
Speaker
Call Top Bunk. Uncle Dems on Top Bunk. um Well, didn't he's standing next to the general. in Jack's coat is the same body length as Charles Napier. Yeah. Well, and then his other co-worker...
00:15:06
Speaker
Soldier guy is Judd Nelson playing Nathaniel Burke. ah Welcome back. He was on Airheads. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's also in Boondock Saints 2. You wouldn't remember that.
00:15:17
Speaker
But I bet it's something really, really homophobic. I'm sure he doesn't say anything racist or homophobic. It's Boondock Saints 2. It's a perfect movie. It's the most woke movie ever made. i don't think he knows what woke means. I don't think so either. um But the...
00:15:33
Speaker
Judd Nelson fucks all this shit up blows up a building because he's right out the bat I need to push the envelope he's talking to some senator with a level 4 clearance yeah he's talking to her like hey I did this I did that I could actually do a better demonstration because it's supposed to be at level 1 and he takes it to 11 yeah he turns it up all the way to level red yeah But like I wanted to get to the thing where so they go to the trial of Judd Nelson and then Shaq and Judd Nelson are talking afterward.
00:16:03
Speaker
And it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. Like the height difference is more than Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. And he is like trying to step to like just imagine the balls you'd have to have to look up and at somebody's nipples to try and talk shit to him. Your face is equal with his belly button and you're like, I will take you out.
00:16:20
Speaker
If he turned around and farted, it would crush your Adam's apple. Yeah. He just uses nuts as a punching bag. if We don't understand what happened. Was it one of those new sonic weapons?
00:16:31
Speaker
His larynx is crushed, but there's no inference at all. Smells really weird down here, too. Smells like catfish stuffed with confit. A la Ronge.
00:16:42
Speaker
A la Ronge. Whatever the hell a la Ronge is. With orange? yeah Yeah. That's what Ray J said. Oh. Ray J's in this movie. Yeah, J's here. Ray J's here.
00:16:52
Speaker
If you don't know Ray Ray J's inside this movie like it's Kim Kardashian. Yep. All right. i I got my joke out. Oh, yeah. All right. I gotcha. But yeah, they put him on trial and he's guilty and he gets kicked out of the army and then Shaq quits because he doesn't want to make weapons anymore.
00:17:08
Speaker
We forgot to say that when he blows this thing up, he brings down the the house that they're in, the building they're in, crushing mummy girl. What's her name?
00:17:20
Speaker
bar Sparky. Sparky. She's not in a mummy movie? She's like dead. Oh, okay. I was like, a mummy girl?
Formation of Superhero Team
00:17:28
Speaker
Dude, this fucking performance is horrendous. Makes you miss Chris O'Donnell a little bit. A little bit. Chris O'Donnell is Daniel Day-Lewis.
00:17:36
Speaker
Yeah. Compared to this lady. Absolutely. fucking luot I think I've said that before and I'll say it again because that's the best actor I can think put him inside a fucking Last Mohicans. No matter where you are, I'll find you. matter how far away you go, I'll find you.
00:17:49
Speaker
but Stay alive. You must stay alive. i don't know where she went. and There was a minute where like I'm like, is she blind now? Because she's just... And Derek is like, no, just bad acting. She can see this bitch can see. Yeah, that's that's later on. But we just check goes to visit her at the VA. And yeah, she's just going to bring her up. I mean, every sense of the word. But yeah, she's just staring out the window, talking to him. And like, i yeah, she looks blind. She's supposed to look.
00:18:21
Speaker
Morose. Yeah. Like melancholy. Yeah. Yeah. And then Shaq opens the windows. He punches the window open. I don't think they were windows at first. I think they were not those kind of windows. yeah You see when it opens, there's like paint. these were painted shut. They're like VA people don't get to breathe. You even hear one of the fucking vets like, oh, good breeze. Oh, like you just subtitleles pointed out somebody painted these fucking things closed. Like, well, fuck the vets. so Let them sweat. Vets and sweats rhyme.
00:18:51
Speaker
She does get the spinal injury, so she's paralyzed. And it is it's funny because right after the trial, sha goes to visit her in the hospital before she gets transferred. And he's like she's like, I'll come see you when I'm up and about again. the the nurse just goes, mm-mm.
00:19:06
Speaker
Not Should have chosen your words a little bit better. She ain't never gonna be up on them feet again. This nurse is a bitch. I mean, what else is she supposed to? I would just like look, i would look away and walk out and just continue looking at the little monitor and ignore the conversation. i would have to move hospitals like across the country. Well, maybe that's why they moved her to St. Louis.
00:19:26
Speaker
There we go. She's like, I'm not getting a new job. You're getting a new hospital. There's nothing we can do for you here. get Good luck getting back up on your feet again.
00:19:36
Speaker
so we have montage. It's not going to happen. She's going to try and get a leg up.
Action Sequences and Comedy
00:19:43
Speaker
We have a montage of- Quit pussy floating around.
00:19:46
Speaker
She's gonna walk all over the place. Don't let them walk all over you. These boots, well. Were not made for you, dear. These boots were made for wheelchair.
00:19:59
Speaker
I know we sound like assholes because we are. Yeah. But it's in the description. But the stuff that happens with this lady, the stuff that happens with this lady, like it's supposed to be tragic. She's in a wheelchair and it's just funny.
00:20:12
Speaker
And it's not because she's in a wheelchair. It's because she's so bad because she falls out of it later. reactions to everybody else around her too. Like Shaq is just like, let her fall. He's still just doing his little icy hot.
00:20:28
Speaker
She falls out a wheelchair. Oh, you know what fixed that? Do little shimmy. ah So there's a montage of Shaq going home set to, you want it, baby? And I said, it' a move if we don't get Shaq dancing to this, it's we're taking a star away.
00:20:44
Speaker
We are. so now and i But I don't think you can take a star away. Not a whole one. I'm giving this at least one star. Oh, okay. this has This has a Giuseppe in here. World's longest grenade. Right?
00:20:56
Speaker
And there's one, the first of three references to how Shaq can't shoot threes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because we need that. And, you know, at least he's a good sport. And I did read something. Yeah, not when it came to free throws. He can't do free throws either. i read something about... ah He was already signed up for some, i maybe it was the Olympic team or something like that when he, when this movie started shooting. So like they've shot for eight weeks or whatever. They had him for like days.
00:21:23
Speaker
Really? It was like a week. Maybe it was two weeks, but it wasn't long. So like they shot everything without him and then they were basically were like, all right, get in here and do this, which might explain how it's so terrible. Also I've seen Kazam and Shaq's not an actor. Yeah.
00:21:35
Speaker
He's not a Shaqter. Yeah. He is a Schachter. He's a Schachter. Did someone say Schachter? William Schachter. William Schachter. I'm the icy hot man.
00:21:48
Speaker
There's something on the rim. It's my ball bouncing away.
00:21:53
Speaker
I'd watch that all day. So, yeah, he bricks a three and these kids all laugh at him. We're introduced to Dantastic. Sorry, he should have just fucking run over there and just rip the rim down. Right? think it's funny? You think it's funny can't make You know what? No, I think he should have just like...
00:22:09
Speaker
pushed all the kids and just dunked on them. Well, but I mean, he was, he was I don't want to say famous, but he was known for ripping rims down. Oh. Like, and shattering backboards. because they're not made to hold the weight of a truck. Exactly. You're not supposed to have a truck slam a ball.
00:22:23
Speaker
That's not how it's supposed to work. don't care how many extra helmets it has. But... or just introduced to Dantastic Games. yeah And this guy, i didn't get his name because I couldn't care. Big Willie. He's, what did you say, Jack? the He has the Garbage Pail Kids version face of Anthony ho anthony Hopkins. yeah Like it looks like a little stunted sewer baby with Anthony Hopkins. With scar.
00:22:47
Speaker
sorry Sewer baby Anthony Hopkins. but That's his name from now on. And fucking Judd Nelson walks in. He's like, yo, you still selling weapons? Yeah. Throws his feet up on the desk. Like, you still selling those weapons? Big Willie?
00:23:02
Speaker
Huh? By the way, no one's ever looked less like a big Willie or big will. That would be anything. That would be his his goon there. It's a spark. No, sparks is oh you me me that guy. Yeah. Graveau, Gravois.
00:23:18
Speaker
Yeah, i can't remember the actor's name. he's Everyone's going to know him. He's the black dude from Underworld that's like just a really, I can't even get to that octave. He's one the lichens. It's like if you took Screaming Jay Hawkins from Perdita Durango and put him through a modulator. Yeah, this is the deepest I've ever heard.
00:23:35
Speaker
And it makes everything he says ridiculously weighted. Yes. And it's in such a... We've got company. we got Not a good move, sweetheart.
00:23:46
Speaker
There's one part where he's not low. ah this Yeah. There's one time we hear him sound like a normal human. ah But yeah, basically Judd Nelson is trying to sell weapons to this guy who claims to sell arcade games, but really he just fills them with weapons and sells them. I think he sells arcade games too. Sure. Well, he's got Danland or Dan Danzy land.
00:24:08
Speaker
and He just, I love the idea of somebody so obsessed with them themselves that like when I call it like adventure land, no Jack venture land. just Jack Lantz. We don't sell french fries. We sell jack fries.
00:24:21
Speaker
And we knew right from the gate that Judd Nelson was going to be the bad guy. Yeah. yeah but He showed up on screen and was like, oh, Judd Nelson's the bad guy. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Look at that bad guy standing back there pretending be Judd Nelson. Look at that.
00:24:34
Speaker
And we meet ah Grandma Odessa. Yes, played by Irma P. Hall. i know her from like the Lady Killers, which is not a good movie. Oh, yeah. OK, I've seen that movie once and I liked um basically J.K. Simmons.
00:24:48
Speaker
It's the worst Coen Brothers movie. Yeah. Yeah. But J.K. Simmons is great in it. and And also Martin, played by Ray J. ah The way we meet her is like, everyone shut the fuck up when you come in this house.
00:25:01
Speaker
And this this part where she's making him whisper at least is kind of short. Her and Shaq have a full on conversation later in this movie. It's not ideal. And it's awful. Because the whole thing is that she's trying to make souffles. And if you talk too loud, I'm sure there is enough noise to shake. like to to yeah having Having Shaq whisper actually makes it deeper.
00:25:20
Speaker
And it probably makes it carry. And that souffle has been a fold. Shaq just walked in the house and the floors rumbled and the souffle folded. That souffle had no fucking chance. We are Ray j who is in Mars Attacks. Yes, he was. Welcome back. asian um If you don't know him, he's also Brandy's brother. And yes, so I've heard from you, from you, everybody in love with ray J or Ray J finding love or some shit. out like We were watching Mars Attacks a month ago or so.
00:25:49
Speaker
And Whitney just kept saying, is that big Brandy's brother? And I didn't say anything. so Is that Brandy's brother? And finally i was like I don't know who Brandy's brother Who's Brandy? i know you know who Brandy is I know who Brandy is. I know. Yeah. Ooh.
00:26:01
Speaker
Interesting. not Like musical career. I know she's a musician too. I was going to go with the weird TV show that everybody forgot existed. That's like, say like, you know, Shaquille O'Neal? Yeah, he played the genie.
00:26:13
Speaker
Do know him Do you know Michael Jordan? The Space Jam guy? Yeah. Where would you know him from? The courts. My childhood. Baseball does not have courts. Yes, it does. When you do something wrong, you take it to court. ask Pete Rose. Look, I know i knew he was a big baseball player and he sold shoes. Yeah, he was a shoe man. Also, don't forget underwear mogul.
00:26:36
Speaker
Yeah. And a big gambler. Mm-hmm. Cigars. Also also a mustache advocate. Yeah. Tiny little toothbrush ones. Yeah. Mm-hmm. He also cries when the earth is dying. That's a yeah that's a famous meme. That's from the old texts.
00:26:52
Speaker
The ancient tomes. But grandma's trying to open a French, a soul food restaurant with French infusions. Which I'm pretty sure they just call Cajun or Creole.
00:27:03
Speaker
Yeah. Right. You know? But I love her name for it because it's black and blue, but blue is bleh. Bleh. Bleh. I actually love it, dude. I thought it was awesome. But that's, I didn't think it. That's the best part in this That's sounded so good. Like, man, somebody should do that.
00:27:17
Speaker
Louisiana just looking at you like, blink, blink. Yeah, but they're in LA. The food alone is worth the trip. and Let's go. I mean, it's and it would be a great thing to have in LA.
00:27:27
Speaker
That's why I think it works. But it's just like, you're not reinventing the wheel. Just cover it in butter. Oh, Shaq gets a job at the Steel Forge because he doesn't want to make weapons anymore.
00:27:38
Speaker
but like I was saying while we were watching, it's where he worked before he joined the service. Sure, sure. But you don't need like just because you don't want to make weapons doesn't mean you have to get that. look And I'm not saying what that job is low, but it's lower than what he can do.
00:27:51
Speaker
He should be designing good things. He should be designing magic legs for Lieutenant Dan and shit like that. Exactly. You know, like he just wants to ah he wants to do an honest day's work. Sure. It's not honest to help people walk again. No, it's that blue collar thing. Also, we see these foremen walking around. Yeah, the foremen. You mean those two strippers who are wearing hard hats? That found hard hats. Yeah. He's like, I love coming. ah I'll come to work every day. Let me tell you.
00:28:16
Speaker
Steel work is hard. Judd Nelson just is a full on villain and no one seems to care. Sorry, Whitney, I'm going to do this more, but we didn't talk about this is Sparky and ah Shaq's thing is touching fingers much like E.T. Yeah, it's we're docking. Except for this would be like, you need your pinky on my thumb and it's not even close to what theirs looks like. I was going to say, especially with his fucking foot long digits, it looks like E.T. reaching out for you. It looks like a fucking cigar Bill Clinton would love to have in his orchids. I was just thinking, it was like even if he did have a small dig, it'd probably look like his fucking thumb.
00:28:51
Speaker
That's still huge. That's what I was saying. Like, if that guy has a disproportionate penis to his body, it's a tiny eight and a half inches. Yeah. not oh I'm not packing much. It's just like nine and a quarter.
00:29:03
Speaker
No, it doesn't reach my knee. It shouldn't. it should Good. Oh, man. Just the thought of him on a normal toilet. Like just i'm a giant the the look of him on a toilet. And you know that his fucking dangles going fishing.
00:29:20
Speaker
Yeah, it is. He's dropping that bob in the water. He's got special toilets that are made. It's like you go in his bathroom. It's a giant toilet. Like you're like you're Alice and you've been shrunk. He take basically the Lincoln Memorial, just take Lincoln off and have him sit on that thing and chat. That's what my man needs. yeah I mean, I remember seeing him on, ah what was the MTV Cribs?
00:29:41
Speaker
Yeah. And he was talking about his car and he had some fucking Lamborghini, something it's like that. I saw him with a Lexus where he took they took the back the to front seat out. Well, they he had a bunch. He drove from the back. Yeah. He had a bunch of cars, but one of them was like, it was some kind of like really expensive sports car.
00:29:57
Speaker
And it was just like, he's like, yeah, it doesn't have a top on it. It can't have a top on it. I was like, you can't drive it. Yeah. You you need to drive Humvees that are for bank robbing only. Yes. That is your your relegate. You're relegated to that. Sorry. You helicopter everywhere.
00:30:10
Speaker
i bought ah I bought a horse ranch, but I only have elephants there. You want this big motherfucker on a helicopter? Yeah. The weight displacement alone is going to fuck you up. He needs one of those double-decker planes just to be like a normal plane. You need to hoist him. Have you ever seen Operation Dumbo Drop?
00:30:27
Speaker
Rest my case. Ray Liotta, right? yeah Yeah. Damn, yeah. Danny Glover. He was getting too old for that shit. Someone says that in this movie. and ah Yeah, Richard Roundtree. Yeah, all right.
00:30:38
Speaker
He's got some stinkers. He's got... it They try. i liked them. Because this movie was written by a very drunk me. Just the awful puns, and I mean awful, and I love them. Kenneth Johnson also wrote this.
00:30:54
Speaker
ah Who's he? The director. Oh, the guy that had the poopers? You named some real stig. D3? D3. We're going to defend D3? No. I just was also bringing up that he wrote this.
00:31:06
Speaker
It shows. Hey, guys. I don't want to sound needy here. I'm needy. But we have a Patreon at patreon.com slash person people. Mm-hmm. And it only costs $3 a month. $3 a month is nothing.
00:31:18
Speaker
And I know times are hard right now. Real hard for me. Inflation's up. no You can't afford your groceries. Can't eat. But you can't afford $3 a month if you love us. Give us $3. Super love us. Please love us.
00:31:30
Speaker
we're not We're not begging. I'm begging. We're not pleading. I'm pleading. We're not down on our knees. Oh, boy. mean my My knees hurt. They've been on it on so long. But we do kind of need the money. I need the money bad. We need new equipment.
00:31:45
Speaker
new equipment we need to do remote podcasts for all of you wouldn't mind eating we need to have video i wouldn't mind eating uh we need more drinks food sounds good so please check out patreon.com slash worst people please check us out you get a bonus episode every month and we're gonna have more content coming for you i'll send you pictures ah thank you guys thank you so much please give me patreon.com i'm being held hostage here slash worst people i don't pay my way out of here they're gonna kill me But like, yeah, Judd Nelson's making these weapons, doing tests. People are getting hurt.
00:32:17
Speaker
There's this like secretary lady who's like, you know, because he's like, what? Fucking shit happens. Accidents happen. She's like, they can happen to you, too. And he's like, oh, yeah. Idea. Throws this bitch in an elevator and is just like, click.
00:32:29
Speaker
Like, no one. I understand that Big Willie is corrupt. Sure, but don't fuck with my people. You just crashed an elevator in his building. Not only did you kill three people, you destroyed a whole section of this building. You caught some damage.
00:32:44
Speaker
The takeover of Big Willie's style is so fucking fast and easy. Yeah. Yeah. Unlike the introduction, like the first half of this movie where it's all the build up and set up. it would we It was 45 minutes before he's even in the suit. Yeah, before we get the suit.
00:32:59
Speaker
ah Shaq and Ray J going on ride along and I'm like, Shaq's not fitting in this cop car. Nope. Again, cars cannot have a top if he is in them. Like, this is just um a mini version of it. I'm i'm six too and there's a lot of things in this world that are already kind of uncomfortable for me. Yeah.
00:33:14
Speaker
six two the mea volks versus... Shut up, Hicks. But 6'2 and 7'6 are vastly different. yeah I mean, that is a different world. I'd have to duck coming under your lamp. He would have to duck coming into your everything.
00:33:27
Speaker
Yeah, this house was built for short people. Yeah, I mean. Built in 1969. We were smaller back then. Much smaller. I know my house is like from the I'm like, man, we were tiny. But yeah, I just I couldn't imagine being this large and trying to just exist.
00:33:42
Speaker
You have to make money because you're going to have to buy everything custom. Yeah. Did they say how they knew this chick or they're just on a ride along with this cop? Oh, yeah. They said it. She's like, you remember the last time we were in this cop car together?
00:33:56
Speaker
We definitely didn't have sex because you can barely fit. I feel like this is like they they put him and they put him in this cop car, but they were like, it's one of those cars where they're pulling it on a trailer, right? Because that's how you shoot a movie.
00:34:09
Speaker
And they're like, okay, take the engine out. Shaq, just put your legs up here. Yep. That's why they couldn't have a partner. His legs were sitting shotgun. His feet just big old fucking size.
00:34:20
Speaker
Ooh, I want to say like 22s. At least. Take a guess.
00:34:28
Speaker
24 wide. I don't think you get wides once you're that size, but there's a robbery. 22. Do I know my feet? yeah I'm proud of that.
00:34:40
Speaker
But yeah there's a robbery going down. They're using the the weapons from the beginning of the movie. All right. Both stood. And. Shaq, the Naomi or whatever this chick's name is, it's giving them right along gets the call. So she's like, hey, I've got civilians with me. I'll go answer this armed robbery call. Norma, because I remember it looking like normal.
00:34:57
Speaker
Oh, OK. Because it was N-O-R-M-A exclamation. Naomi's like the sexy version of Norma. She's about to be out of this movie pretty quick. Yeah, it doesn't really matter. No one should be her name tag. Noon. Noon. It's pronounced no one.
00:35:10
Speaker
But like Shaq gets out to like go try to help these cops. And she tries to stop this truck like by pulling in front of it. And it's fucking big dude like, bad move, baby. Bad move, sugar tax. Sonic boom.
00:35:23
Speaker
And yeah, Sonic booms the car away. And Shaq just lifts this lady up like just... I've got to get her out of here. Grabbed by the scruff of her neck like she's a bad puppy. And it's just like, and I commented because I want to be picked up like this. Yeah. Being a larger individual, there's not a lot of things on this earth that can scoop me and make me feel like a little wee baby.
00:35:48
Speaker
So if you're out there and you're 7'6", and you want to swaddle me, let me know. yeah, so he chase he chases down one of the robbers, and which doesn't make any sense because there's no fucking way 7'6 Giant Man Shaq is running as fast as this kid. He's athletic. Don't get me wrong. He's an athletic, but be not a sprinter, he is not.
00:36:08
Speaker
Yeah, you know what? You're not to catch... like a souped up Honda Civic in your Ford F-150. Right. now And he's twice a Ford F-150. He should have taken a fucking rock or something, just brained it, like thrown it across the yard and knocked him out. Like, cool.
00:36:22
Speaker
That's a chase I can believe. Yeah. Well, he chases him into this train yard and there's this whole thing with these trains clickety clacking, which seems unsafe. Absolutely. But I guess the guy says when they run through there, he's like, hey, you're going to get hurt. Yeah, cool. It's that dangerous. You have one guy watching it. Dude, and this kid knocks this dude out and his head falls on the tracks and a train is coming.
00:36:42
Speaker
And I was like, do it Do it. Yeah, we wanted a pumpkin smash. What is this, PG-13? PG maybe? PG-13. PG-13? Squish that head. Squish it. Get a painted-ass pumpkin and squish it. But once again, Shaq is like, just grab that move in there. And they don't show how Shaq, because he's stopped at the fence that barbed wire.
00:37:01
Speaker
i don't know how he got through that. T2'd it. Okay. Because they do show earlier. It's a different kind of steel, man. He made that new alloy. Yeah. They show earlier when the kid runs through, like slides through some gates on like a fence and Shaq's just like, move that. Yep. I'm just going Kool-Aid man my way through this place. so There's a bit of a Buster Keaton gag in here, which I guess got people rolling.
00:37:24
Speaker
It's for the grandparents who had to take their kids to their their grandkids. It's to show you how smart and athletic he is. Yeah, because this kid uses the sonic boom to knock over one of the train cars and he rolls over to the opening. Which it would have been just as fast to roll backwards.
00:37:38
Speaker
Also, though, he just rolls to that opening. I'm like you got to roll that opening and then sit up. That opening is not seven foot six. It might be exactly seven foot six. Again, trains aren't meant for this large to stand It's good thing he's bald, though. Like, the thing falls, but it's right there. If he had hair, it would have...
00:37:52
Speaker
Well, he balled up. He wasn't flat. He was okay he was curled. He was fetal. He's been on a trampoline where someone tried to crack that egg. oh Get that fucking thing moving.
00:38:04
Speaker
He launched him in the air. He's coming down. It's scarifying. He jumps on it and just goes. it's all He bounces off the ground. It was really fun having a trampoline for that hour. I guess we're by new springs. Shack to basics.
00:38:20
Speaker
But he catches this kid and he's like, if you don't tell me where you got this gun, you're going to find my fist in your mouth. And I'm like, i don't think it's going to be in. views Again, Shaq is a gigantic man. yeah This guy's fist is the size of this 16-year-old kid's head. Yes.
00:38:34
Speaker
and He has a coconut for a fist. Squish it. ah you Give me the rated R cut of steel. The Zack Snyder steel. Somehow Jared Leto's there.
00:38:46
Speaker
And he gets the kid gets rescued by... s flatts Slats? slats yeah Yeah, which I knew this guy immediately. I was like, I see him playing a doctor. He's in the good i'm a good doctor. But um he's also in CSI.
00:39:00
Speaker
He was in like one episode of a lot of things I've watched, but I couldn't nail him down. Neither could his ex-wife. hey oh Hill Harper this guy's name. Apparently he stars in CSI New York.
00:39:13
Speaker
So that's his thing. And I've probably seen him on like promos for that more than anything. Yeah. I know I recognize something when we were flipping through the IMDb, but I forgot what it was. Yeah. I mean, not so much here. You see that he's got ah an eye patch. And I was like, well, that's weird.
00:39:26
Speaker
But right after this, Shaq goes to their little gang hideout. That's where the purple men hang out or whatever the fuck their gang is called. Yep, the purple gang. And that I was waiting for this kid to start yelling guzzoline.
00:39:37
Speaker
ah Like this is some straight up Mad Max shit. And this is a 90s, 80s and 90s thing, right? Like you've get you get a presumably white director. Kenneth Johnson sounds like a white guy to me. He wrote D3. Kenny. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You don't have a black.
00:39:52
Speaker
You don't have person to color right in D3. He's Kenny J. He's Kenny. Ken Jeong. This is just a thing where you have like a white director. you have like a gang. How do we urban this up? how do we make them look like a gang?
00:40:02
Speaker
They all look like steampunk nightmares. Yeah. Or whatever. Like this kid. This kid is wearing like a leather eye patch like ah Dennis Hopper in Waterworld. Uh-huh. And he's got like bondage gear on underneath his like purple trench coat or whatever the fuck is happening. He's a space pirate and an X-Men villain. yeah correct Yeah, he should be able to like shoot like rings of lasers out of his fists. Yeah, I'd believe that.
00:40:28
Speaker
He kind of looks like Havoc is what I'm saying. Black Havoc. Yeah. Black Havoc. Ooh, reboot X-Men and make the the Summers brothers black. Yeah. Piss off everybody. Fuck yeah. I love it. I love that. Turn to here first, kids.
00:40:40
Speaker
These fictional characters are actually white. They're fictional. This is ruining my childhood. Cyclops is white. The guy that can shoot lasers out of his eyes that's only stopped by Ruby is always white. Stay in reality.
00:40:55
Speaker
But he he marries fucking Jean Grey and she's a redhead and redheads and black people can't mix. Oh, God. Yes, we can. This is just the internet. now Yes, we can.
00:41:06
Speaker
Then we won't make her wear a redhead anymore. She's Asian. Problem solved. ah Actually, Jean Grey's a dude. G-E-N-E. You're making him black and gay?
00:41:19
Speaker
Oh, no. um Reddit explodes with fire. That'd be cool. Yeah. Do it. Well, yeah, he confronts them and they're like, we don't know anything about this shit, whatever.
00:41:32
Speaker
But now these kids have seen Shaq. The seven foot six man who looks like a wall. Kind of the thing of this movie is how easy it is to know who the fuck you are because you John Nelson is the only one who has a clue.
00:41:45
Speaker
Yeah. And it's not even because of that. It's because he's like, oh, he's got the same weapons. We designed them together. Did a building just get built behind me or is ah John there? John Henry.
00:41:58
Speaker
So, yeah, we have Sparky. She gets picked up. We talked about that. They go to the junk cave. which is a junkyard owned by Richard Roundtree. Quick, get my junk repellent. I don't want any dudes thrusting at me.
00:42:11
Speaker
Richard Roundtree, welcome back to the podcast. He was in George of the Jungle. Yes, he was. played Kwame. Yeah, at least I can't remember his exact name, he's the lead of the the tour. Yeah, and then, of course, he's Shaft.
00:42:24
Speaker
We're going to know that. Shaft. We're going to definitely understand his name is Shaft. Yeah. Yeah, ah he's playing Uncle Joe. People just call me Uncle Joe. And basically the thing is... Because just said that's your name.
00:42:34
Speaker
He said it like a weird way. Hi, I'm Uncle Joe. People just call me Uncle Joe because you just told me to. let's You just introduced yourself as Uncle Joe. Hey, I'm Derek. People call me Derek. Do you want me to call you something else?
00:42:47
Speaker
Whatever. All right. Hi, I'm Whitney. People call me Twithany. twitter That's true, though. yeah But like basically, they're setting up their superhero gang here, right? Richard Roundtree is like the cue. He's going to like yeah get all the stuff and put things together. Sparky is literally the man in the chair. She is the man in the chair. She's the guy in the chair because, mean, what else is she going to do, right?
00:43:12
Speaker
True. She can tippity tap and do all that stuff. And I love he's he's got like this computer. It's supposed to be super advanced or whatever. And he's like, 500 megahertz and slam bam. Thank you, ma'am. Something or other. so yeah Like what? you You just were saying all the like you started with 500 megahertz, which I don't think really describes anything in a computer.
00:43:31
Speaker
I couldn't tell you. Mega. like bus Let us know. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody out there listening is like megahertz. i was I was waiting for them to say something, though, because i love like old computer shit in movies because someone's like that has an eight megabyte hard drive.
00:43:45
Speaker
Do you know what we can put on that? We store the world's financial information. Yeah. We're over here dealing with terabytes now.
00:43:54
Speaker
Ray J gets a job working for Judd Nelson and ah Captain Willie.
00:44:00
Speaker
um a Sewer baby. There is this the scene I referenced a little bit where Sparks falls out of wheelchair. Yeah. And it's it happens. We're all sitting here together watching this movie.
00:44:12
Speaker
She falls out of the wheelchair and I'm trying so hard to hold back a laugh because I was like, they're all going to think I'm a piece of shit. And everybody else starts laughing. i was like, oh, thank God. Because it's like Shaq just grabs Richard Loundtree. Well, you called it out. You're like, don't anybody help her. Because I thought I was being a dick. Like, don't let her fucking struggle. Because, dude, I'm sorry. I get what they're trying to do, the message they're trying to send. But if your friend that is freshly in a wheelchair, that is not used to that shit, falls, you at least go fucking off or you don't just sit back to like, no, keep welding.
00:44:41
Speaker
She'll be alright. Trust me. She needs this. And it's the way she falls out of the wheelchair, too. Because she's like reaching for something that's on the shelf. She's reaching for something that's on the shelf, though. And she's like, my wheelchair is about three feet back.
00:44:54
Speaker
I'll just lunge. Yeah. Like roll it a little forward. Reach. She's just like, I got this. She's new to a wheelchair. She thought lunging was the right move.
00:45:05
Speaker
But she does thank him. She's like, thank you for not for helping me and for not helping me. We get it. We get it. God, she's so bad. You had more inflection than she did.
00:45:16
Speaker
Yeah, that's true. I can't be as bad as her. I think Mork is better than her. She is on the Mork level. Yeah, he he would take this role away from her if he was a woman. Yeah.
00:45:28
Speaker
Thank you for helping me and not helping. By way, Mork, we're not talking about Robin Williams. Guys, go back and listen to Miami Connection.
00:45:39
Speaker
Or just watch it. Or just watch Miami Connection. watch But they don't call him Mork in that, so you might not know. We're going to get Whitney. Mork Norris. It might be our first commentary. I said it about a couple things. but So they they have this montage of building his suit.
00:45:51
Speaker
She sets him up with ah earbud and camera and... A man named John Henry needs a hammer. Yeah. The shaft is my favorite we i that she does, yeah. oh The shaft is my favorite part delivered by Richard Roundtree, played shaft before.
00:46:08
Speaker
And what did I say? You had said that you don't know the the fable of John Henry. I do not. I think that he ends up losing, but the whole thing was it was industry versus people where big, giant black guy, real good at hammering things and whatnot, went up against a machine. that was i think they were supposed to like dig a tunnel with a hammer or something. I thought they were doing railroad.
00:46:33
Speaker
Railroad, that's what it is. Okay, that kind of actually laying nails and shit. The whole thing is that he ends up dying. like His heart explodes fighting the machine. So it's not a great person that fable to... No, it's good because he went out, you know... Swinging. Trying to stop the man.
00:46:51
Speaker
Swinging, nice. But yeah. You're rubbing off on me. Not right now. he He definitely died. like he Industry wins. yeah Yeah. Industry wins. Yeah. Look, you're going to die doing it, but fight back anyway.
00:47:05
Speaker
Yeah, I like that. ah So he goes out for his first night of stealing. ah Steel work. Steel capades.
00:47:15
Speaker
Stealing is good. And he busted his mugger. Just spelled differently. He busts this mugger played by John Hawks, who is Danny McBride's younger brother, I think, in East Bound and Down.
00:47:31
Speaker
East Bound and Down. He's a recognizable face for sure. That's the one I... know like i wasn't one hundred I was like, I know this guy, and I'm scrolling through, and I was like, duh. I think he's in Deadwood, but I have to go back and look. and i ah Yeah, he was in Deadwood also. yeah So he's Timothy Oliphant's... I say only say it's because it's a big ah part of the plot, but his Jewish partner.
00:47:49
Speaker
But yeah, the guy mugs these people, Steel goes and stops him, takes the shit back. And then he like gives the stuff to this old fucking couple. It's Batman's parents, right? Yeah, yeah absolutely. He gives the stuff back to Batman's parents.
00:48:01
Speaker
And then he's like, I don't know what he, i don't remember what he says, but he's just like, be safe out there. I'll see you later, citizen. And steps backward onto an escalator. Got us laughing so fucking hard, dude.
00:48:16
Speaker
I wish he would have just stayed backwards, but no, he turns around and runs up the stairs. Is he just going to keep staring at whole time? Just standing there the whole time, dramatically looking at them? What should we do? Martha, I'd just wave. Let's talk about this steel costume.
00:48:29
Speaker
Okay. This is fucking stupid. It is the flimsiest steel I've ever seen. His face thing is like every time he talks, it's all... It's a special alloy. Yeah, sure. his cheekbones can move it.
00:48:44
Speaker
So, I mean, okay, again, the comics, it was a whole face. It was ah it was like just a more Iron Man thing, but like think of Iron Man steampunk rivets. Right, but they couldn't do that to Shaq's head. You wouldn't.
00:48:57
Speaker
yeah They didn't have enough steel. Nowadays, would be a full CGI. Yeah, exactly. Nowadays, you just do a big CGI i thing. kind of just looks like a really buff silver surfer with a cape. Oh, okay.
00:49:07
Speaker
I mean, I don't know what era that's from, but... Yeah, nothing like what we see here, which looks like someone welded together garbage and slapped it on Shaq. What's what happened? Oh, that's right. That's exactly what happened. Oh, my God.
00:49:20
Speaker
I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs. Is that another one of Odessa's recipes? Why is Odessa taking heat for trying to better herself? I know. She's like, I'm trying to do something to get out of my situation.
00:49:33
Speaker
And everybody's like, fuck you, old lady. Look, I don't know why you guys always give me so much flack. I'm just trying to open a restaurant in my front yard. And every time I bring it up, you say it's a bad idea. i don't. I go for it. And then COVID hits and she's like, outdoor restaurant didn't seem so bad does it? Guess has outdoor seating, motherfucker. You fucking idiots.
00:49:52
Speaker
They can cross on the other side of the street. So he goes and interrupts a gang shootout. Sure. And this guy, speaking of bad acting, this driver, like they pull up and they see this pile of trash standing in the street.
00:50:04
Speaker
And he's like, damn, homie. What the hell? What the hell is that? Homie. What do we call ah the passenger Jaime Frank's? Yeah, it looks like a ah ah Mexican. Oh, yeah. Just doing. a Oh, you mean the guy that yells, I'm going to smoke you like a blunt?
00:50:22
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. It's a good line. That's my pickup line. Smoke you like a blunt. All right. I can smoke a blunt for hours. I'm trying to figure out how smoke you like a blunt works if you're picking up a lady, though.
00:50:36
Speaker
You'll see. All right. um I'll see you tonight. Try and use that line on somebody. All right. um They come trying to charge at him or charge at him, drive at him with their car. And he's got another great killer one liner.
00:50:51
Speaker
It's hammer time. And he proceeds to not use his hammer, but use the sonic boom. He doesn't once use this hammer as a hammer. Nope. nope It is a gun, a magnet, a fucking dog deterrent, ah a cane.
00:51:05
Speaker
There might be a lightsaber in there. i'm not sure. pretty sure. The Swiss Army. army hammer. i mean, it's got a laser. It's got a laser. It's kind of like a lightsaber. You can light a cigarette with that. But yeah, when he blows the car away, that's when we get that line from Shaft. Yeah. think I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs or whatever. Not that one, but you said the hammer time. There is a lot of pop culture references in this movie.
00:51:25
Speaker
Yeah, because they were like, this is so fucking smart. People are going to love it. Uh-huh. This is going to be the next big thing. You guys remember that Superman movie in 1978 and they're still trying to make them now?
00:51:36
Speaker
but You buckle up, bitch. Steal for the next 40 years. I would love the reboot steal. I would be elated. I mean, looking at what James Gunn's doing, he's got Nathan Fillion playing the weirdest Green Lantern.
00:51:51
Speaker
yeah guy Guy Gardner, I think. the one who People laughed about how he looked in the trailer. He looks ridiculous. Oh, he doesn't look like him at all. Do me a favor and Google Guy Gardner. He looks exactly like Guy Gardner. That's going to me perfect. It's awful. like you I mean, like it's good. in the the The way he did it, the movie is good.
00:52:08
Speaker
That guy looks awful. Whoever approved that drawing should have like been fired. Can't wait for your wife. yeah so Wow. We might have to post that on some socials.
00:52:26
Speaker
So he runs away from the cops. It's a good thing we're doing this episode today, by the way. A new Superman trailer dropped. Oh, nice. I didn't watch it. I don't watch. I saw the teaser and I think I'm good because already want to see the movie.
00:52:37
Speaker
That's kind of where I'm at. Yeah, I'm afraid for the trailer to ruin. I'm terrified of trailers now. The problem is going to that's why You can control it here. That's why I'm bringing my earbuds with me from now on. Put in the earbuds and look down and just wait four minutes. I was going to show up late.
00:52:51
Speaker
I almost do every time. Well, there's trailers. i I always want to see the new trailer. No. I just don't want to see the second or third or fourth or fifth or sixth or seventh or eighth or ninth. He runs from the cops, goes across rooftops and stuff, and which would be physically impossible. Yeah. Derek pointed out that, like, dude, these roofs can't. Well, it's just like in the Fast and Furious movies. Like I told you guys, when they're driving cars across people's rooftops. And they're falling apart. like Well, the no, they're not.
00:53:16
Speaker
These cars are going. Like sometimes there's stuff. I don't remember if it was that or something else I was watching. Where like you go across. Maybe it's one of those Transformers movies. And like it holds up the weight of this massive machine. And then once the machine leaves, the building collapses.
00:53:30
Speaker
I'm like, no. It's not how it works, dude. That's like telling me like, okay, I'm just going to put a bunch of paper cups across the floor and run on them. But when I get to the end, they'll all be crushed, but I won't fall. Yeah, I'll have just enough time to delicately Legolas off.
00:53:43
Speaker
No, I know these are like high rises that are made to withstand earthquakes, but you have Shaq wearing a battleship. Yeah. Shaq is probably up at like 280 or so.
00:53:55
Speaker
And then he's got 75 pounds of shit on there. At least. If it's steel. Steel's heavy, right? new alloy, dude. Oh, okay. They say 70-something pounds. Oh, that's dumb. I'm not just guessing. I'm not a fucking steel officiant. I thought you were being a steel expert. I'm not Steven Steeleberg.
00:54:16
Speaker
like it. You should directed this movie. Dude, Steven Spielberg directed Steel, bro? Oh, man. Steelmatic. Then you could put Shaq in Steel Magnolias, where it's just him dead acting with fucking wheelchair dead actress.
00:54:31
Speaker
People die in Steel Magnolias, though. All it is they all day? Yeah. All it is is they opened a flower shop. It's not the movie that you know anything about. It's just Steel and Sparky selling flowers now. because i would try this one. Oh, I crushed it.
00:54:44
Speaker
Oh, I crushed it. Oh, can you just grab your own flower? I'm going to put this little delicate thing. onto to Oh, ruined it. um He falls off a roof into a trash can and we get a great line because Jack wrote this movie.
00:55:00
Speaker
I'm fine. Just a little trashed. I liked it dude it made me chuckle apparently me sober likes drunk me and that's a good thing it jumps on the world's largest motorcycle apparently but it looks like me riding one those little mini it does still look small but a regular motorcycle again The shocks, the tires, these things wouldn't hold him. No.
00:55:28
Speaker
It's like if I jumped on a fucking, whatever the small ones are, 200 or whatever. the little And Derek had pointed out while we were watching, watching there's no stuntman because you can't. No.
00:55:41
Speaker
You get the the dude, Matthias Hughes or whatever whatever his name was, the guy from Dark Angel that played the bad guy. They were talking about how they couldn't get stuntman for him because he was too big. Yeah. Get that guy, blackface.
00:55:54
Speaker
I'm sure sure it's going to work out perfectly. Yeah, no. It'll go down really well in history. go down and get steel face. Well, if he covered his whole face, it'd be easy. he's just goingnna He's just going to do black chin. No, he wears a helmet and then he puts a cowboy hat on top of the helmet. A cowboy hat?
00:56:09
Speaker
Bad stuntman joke. What movie was that? Oh, something stupid. Oh, God. You guys did it. Was it Sam Elliott?
00:56:21
Speaker
Oh. And Peter Weller in State Shakedown? Was it Shakedown? I don't know. I just remember seeing. don't even know. It was probably Don Johnson in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. No, the one I'm thinking of, we saw. It was a while ago. It might have been before you were here. It might have been like Laser Blast or something. We saw somebody. With a full-on white motorcycle helmet. The guy in the movie had not worn a cowboy hat at any point in the movie.
00:56:45
Speaker
And then suddenly when they were driving this car, he was wearing a cowboy hat. And it's so that when they cut to the wide shot, they could try to hide the stuntman's helmet by putting a cowboy hat on the helmet. It looked like putting a kid's cowboy hat on Shaq. I have your Time to go ride a Shaq on a horse. Oh, that poor horse. No, he'd need an ox. Mongo. Mongo.
00:57:07
Speaker
Yeah, it's Mongo. yeah blazing these out Yeah, he needs he has an ox. Yeah, there you go. But so he escapes from the cops by going to the trash cave and like They literally have it inside of a pile of junk. So from the outside, it just looks like garbage. Yeah. and I like these really almost Ninja Turtle gadgets where like the pile of junk lifts up. you can go in there.
00:57:28
Speaker
I think coming up later, his bike, they roll it right up into the... Yeah, back of the because they have the real trade they have the wheelchair ramp. Yeah. for It's a perfect cover. That's actually why they put it in And then Shaq was like, what, could I get a motorcycle? And they're like that would work.
00:57:41
Speaker
Fuck yeah. We already have We already have the ramp. If it fits, that bike sits. This is ADA a approved. Done. We're getting two uses out of this. um It's more efficient that way, right?
00:57:53
Speaker
Yeah, always. Oh, I like the line, though. It's like they're in there and they're talking and and Sparky's like, shut the fuck up. The cops are going to hear us in the helicopter. Question mark. And Shaft is like,
Judd Nelson's Villainy
00:58:05
Speaker
don't worry. They won't see anything but a pile of junk.
00:58:07
Speaker
And then immediately you hear the helicopter pilot. or It's just a pile of junk. Were you not entertained by that? That one I was entertained by. And I was entertained by the i love the shaft line, too.
00:58:19
Speaker
But it's just like. It's so groan inducing. It's cringy. It's dad jokes. it's It's a cringy dad joke do you're like, oh. Judd Nelson meets up with Slats, talks to him about basically trying to get information about steel, trying to figure out who he is because it's very mysterious. It's tough.
00:58:39
Speaker
And this is where I got the opening line. Have you seen anybody ducking when they go through doorways? Well, I love that he's like, have you do you know anything about this guy, Steel? No, he's just a punk running around aluminum foil. You mean you didn't spot that he's the dude that you were just talking shit to yesterday in your little gang hangout? Right.
00:58:53
Speaker
Man, there's something familiar about looking up at this angle at you. Huh. I didn't see him break a pool cue, though, so it couldn't be the same guy. Couldn't be the That guy was wearing like a a fuchsia, almost magenta shirt. Yeah, he wasn't in steel.
00:59:06
Speaker
Shaq went to confront that gang, and they're all wearing their purple stuff. But it's like dark purple, like cool gang purple, guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He walks in wearing just like a shirt that you would see a fucking like Frisbee bro wearing right now. And I'm like... They're called polos. It wasn't even a polo. was a t-shirt.
00:59:24
Speaker
But it was like... No, I think this is a t-shirt right here. It was like a... It was like you took a white shirt and washed it with your reds. Yep. Okay. Yeah, it looks unintentionally this color. Okay. Okay.
00:59:36
Speaker
But it's where we get the opening line of the podcast from because Judd Nelson's eating a hot dog or offers him a hot dog. he's like, I don't eat pork and don't worry, it's turkey. And then he tells him, eat the hot dog. Don't be the hot dog. cause he say And I'm not 100% sure what that means.
00:59:49
Speaker
You don't? Eat or be eaten. well No, no, no. Eat the hot dog means use the guy that's acting like an idiot. Okay. Don't be the idiot.
01:00:00
Speaker
Maybe I just wasn't paying attention anymore. I'm making it work. All right. That's all it is. Because he's saying, because Judd Nelson is, throughout this movie, continued to use people. Oh, yeah. And give and no shits about their life. And throw away. That's his lesson. It's like, dude, don't be a hot dog.
01:00:16
Speaker
Eat that hot dog. I'm just surprised this black dude look over like, you hitting on me? I'm not going to suck your dick, dude. Eat the hot dog. No. You. You. Think Team America. Now suck my cock. What?
01:00:32
Speaker
So then the bad guys go to rob the Federal Reserve. I was expecting like a Goodfellas moment because he's like, you're flossing a little bit too because got that gold chain and shit. Yeah. I was expecting him to fucking just have that Goodfellas moment where everyone's just dying off, hanging in a meat locker or i meet a meat truck. That would have been nice.
01:00:50
Speaker
Would have been nice. Whitney's just rooting for murder. That would have been nice. You know, Derek, you know, it sounds good watching people die. Let's kill that Mad Max gang. Yeah.
01:01:01
Speaker
We have to attack those more locks. So deeper X-Men reference points. If you understood that more locks, though, could ah I mean, yeah, it's an X-Men reference. Yeah.
01:01:11
Speaker
It's also a time machine reference. Is it? Yeah. Oh, OK. So who's that? what Whose movie is that? ah Well, the time machine was a book and they they made some movies, too. I don't remember if any famous famous author.
01:01:25
Speaker
Yes. Michael Crichton. No, it's like an 1800s book. Oh, okay. Jules Verne. Probably. Someone like that. i don't know. I've read it. We'll get there. Yeah.
01:01:36
Speaker
We'll do an episode about do a book cast.
01:01:40
Speaker
But yeah. Just imagine this transcribed as a fucking written book. So fucking stupid. It's not even stupid recording it. They go and rob the Federal Reserve and Shaq shows up to stop them and and we got fucking Chilio or whatever just like We got company.
01:01:57
Speaker
Dude, it is so, it's the deepest. It's so low you can barely hear You have to watch this movie if it's free just for that. Like just because he is, it is the lowest thing you're going to hear. Vin Diesel, no. Screaming Jay Hawkins, no. Javier Bardem, no.
01:02:12
Speaker
This is lower. This is like brown note status. This is brown note status, dude. We got company. Family. You're getting there.
01:02:24
Speaker
o Again, we need to reverse Derek's balls kicking. I hope that comes out great. tried i tried to You weren't looking. I tried to do a little talky thing. Talk box.
01:02:41
Speaker
I like this movie. o Anyway, this is a professional episode. Jack said it before we started. I knew it. As soon as I said that, i was like, Derek's going to fucking throw the microphone, isn't he?
01:02:55
Speaker
There's a big shootout. ah one of One of the guys shoots this helicopter and it almost crushes the cop. And so Shaq saves him, which is important for later. um He chases this Hummer on his motorcycle. There's some laser shooting.
01:03:09
Speaker
yeah The laser doesn't look that bad. No. And the sonic boom actually looks really good. And so do like the impacts. It's a better Street Fighter movie. Because like the sonic boom. Somehow it's a better Street Fighter The sonic booms like the the actual thing. You know, you just put some wavy shit on your screen. That's fine.
01:03:26
Speaker
But like when it hits stuff and it explodes, there they're blowing shit up. I thought about that while we were watching. I didn't say it out loud, but like there's fire. Yeah. The thing that looks the worst, I think, was when he did the magnet thing and it was like he wasn't on the street. Like it was superimposed. Yeah. That's the worst look of this movie. well I still don't understand why the car didn't get sucked to him.
01:03:47
Speaker
Because of the force. No, I got nothing for him. The thing that looked the worst to me was these Roman candle bullets. Sure. Because like I'm like, just shoot some fucking Roman candle shit. like But they're CG-ing in these little like flares that are coming out. And i'm like, this is trash. You CG'd that?
01:04:06
Speaker
like that's what That's what you did? You looked at that and thought that's a final product? Yeah. Thanks. Just put the fucking blanks in that shoot sparks that we get in 80s movies anyway and just call it that. yeah Yeah. I don't have to see the little thing traveling. Yeah.
01:04:20
Speaker
It also was slow enough just to duck too. This is a devastating weapon. Whoop. Whoop. Oh, if you can hit somebody. Whoop. Whoop. Well, like how when it hits anybody or a car, the person like, mark and immediately dies, cars explode.
01:04:34
Speaker
Shaq got shot without his suit. And he was just like the next day, like, Oh, good thing I got that. I see hot. That was exactly. Exactly. ah um But he escapes doing the the wheelchair ramp van thing.
01:04:49
Speaker
Yep. Judd Nelson transmits the ra thing. Judd Nelson transmits the videos of the robbery because his whole goal is to sell these weapons to all of these villains from Hot Shots Part Deux. Uh-huh.
01:05:02
Speaker
We got the Nazis. Yeah, you got some skins. You got skinheads, the leader of which is played by Tim Desarn, who's been on the podcast before. And I'll keep talking about until Jack watches Cabin in the Woods. Oh, yeah. He's the harbinger.
01:05:16
Speaker
He's the harbinger. But he was on Demon Night. It's a terrible movie. He was that stupid little floppy-haired blonde kid's dad who got turned into a demon. But yeah, it was like weird they we flipped through this cast. It's literally like like Hot Shots Part Deux. I think it's the one where they're going through all the like just the different villains around the world. And it's all just like racial stereotypes. That's exactly what they do here. Yeah.
01:05:36
Speaker
We may get the weapons. Look at this gun. I want the gun. You want the gun? We get the gun. Come Now we still weren't. Oh boy, my weapon's straight up cash. Don't you know? We still weren't admitting that Italians, ah you know, committed crimes and were evil.
01:05:49
Speaker
Yeah, there were no Italians. There was Middle Eastern people. There was people speaking Spanish, so it would be like cartel or something. had some British. There was British gangsters and there was neo-Nazis. And there was an Australian guy.
01:06:00
Speaker
don't know. I think that was the British. I think he was supposed to be British. I think that's youngish Mick Jagger. I need that gun there now, isn't it? Oi, look that. Osdo nicked it don't go touching it at all. Why do you think Australians talk like that? Because they were all the fucking Cogniz that were put in jail. Yeah.
01:06:15
Speaker
I need then buns and mullets. Bums and mullets. That's ah cockney for guns and bullets.
Humorous Recognitions and References
01:06:21
Speaker
so That's also how you go to Country Thunder. Looking for buns and mullets, my friend.
01:06:28
Speaker
but That was the only thing I could think of on short notice that rhymed with guns and bullets. yeah Also, ah I'm going to go put the cunt in Country Thunder this year. Yeah? Next year.
01:06:39
Speaker
I'm not going. So we have the scene with Grandma Odessa calling him out because Grandma Odessa is the only person who actually figures this out based on the information given to us. Like said Judd Nelson figures it out because of the weapons. Right. Other people figured out the cop figures it out later because of the cut on the chin. He's seven six. He's very polite. He's on the right side of the lawn.
01:07:00
Speaker
She's like, that's my fucking boy. Yes, it is. That's my fucking boy. But she calls him out. They're having a whisper argument. which And it is such a tedious scene to get through. I'm like, just end the scene.
01:07:11
Speaker
But then the way it is ended is hilarious because a guy comes falling through the window. Yeah, swat team SWAT team guy like barrel rolls through the window. He does not jump in.
01:07:23
Speaker
He was going to like do like It's like he tripped on the way in. Yeah, he was going to do like a professional insertion and like tripped. It was just whoa, through the window. I was going to say, SWAT doesn't normally do, ah you know, kitchen window entries like that. Right? Not a first maneuver.
01:07:38
Speaker
Would they arrest Shaq, take him into a lineup, which is the funniest thing I've ever seen. And it said that he was only seven foot, by the way. I don't think those lines... I was i wasn't paying attention. I was about to be like, i don't think those lines went... Like, it stopped...
01:07:51
Speaker
We actually never went further that. We didn't think we'd have to go further than that, sorry. It said seven foot, that's the highest line they have, but it was just at his Adam's apple. It's just funny, he's like, step up and deliver this line. Like, no, is he that tall or not?
01:08:03
Speaker
Yeah. That's it. but Look, keep them all standing right there, because there's already height measurements. Oh, and there's an appearance of Achilles from Robot Jocks, which we will talk about one day. Yeah, which apparently I really love that movie because this is twice now. I've nailed something from that pretty quickly.
01:08:21
Speaker
I've never saw it. The Broadway. I have it on Blu-ray. We went to the Broadway. yeah we Yeah, we were at the bar and it was on TV and I wasn't even looking and Jack goes, that robot jocks? And it was kind of like when he called out Cool Runnings. Because in this case, there was a a main character on the screen. Right. But there were no robots. It was dudes sitting in a room talking. And he's like, is that robot jocks? Because of Achilles.
01:08:41
Speaker
Yeah. ah Gary Graham. There we go. He's the poor man Scott Glenn. He's credited as detective. He is the poor man Scott Glenn. Right? Like less ah hard wrinkles. Yeah. Oh, Scott Glenn. Yeah. Stick.
01:08:55
Speaker
Yeah. Stick. There you go. I mean, he's in a bunch of shit, but that's the name I always pull up. That's Dick. Yeah, thanks. Good. ah but But no one will idea. And we have Batman's parents. They don't say who it is he's on the right side the law. And ah none of these men are here. Yeah.
01:09:11
Speaker
And I get pig. Same thing with the cop. The cop goes in, sees the cut on his chin, but he saved him. And he's like, no it's not this guy. I don't know who it could possibly be. Yeah. Must be another seven foot six man. Find me somebody taller. Yeah.
01:09:23
Speaker
Oh, and when that when ah Batman's parents were being interviewed um by the news, he was like, he had to have been seven, six. Seven foot exactly. He had to have been seven foot six.
01:09:35
Speaker
Three quarter inches. He looked, I mean, honey, would you say Ares? I would say he's an Ares. um I really feel like he has that kind of um but it and uncircumcised penis.
01:09:48
Speaker
Definitely have one of those. Yeah. You know a lot about this guy. I have a special talent. ah do I'd say i his grandma's name is probably Odessa.
01:10:00
Speaker
He looked to me like he had a grandmother trying to open a front yard restaurant. He looked like he had a little brother that fucked somebody on camera. I'm getting black and blue. Does black and blue mean anything to anybody out there? I don't know why it keeps coming back. Black and blue. Black and blue. Black and blue.
01:10:17
Speaker
um Black and blue. I've got blabbles. and And we have Judd Nelson talking. like It's such a bad cut. This is a 1997 internet thing. of for He's like, so we're going to sell these weapons how?
01:10:31
Speaker
On, and then it cuts to the neo-Nazis. The internet. And like, the internet? Holy shit. And the guy's just sitting there like, yeah, there's all kinds of good shit on there. Not just porn. Eating his pepperoni pizza. Dude, there's a place called Twitter where I just type some racist shit and everyone loves it. And all these other racist dudes, just like they come, they we we find each other and we just start sucking each other off in conversations. what we do. It's called tweeting, retweeting. There's this thing called hashtag proud boys. Hashtag proud boys.
01:10:58
Speaker
hashtag Because we're proud of who we are. ah Hashtag proud boys. I like that. I'm going put that in right now. Yeah. Yeah. Just the good old boys. Always typing some harm. What year was Double Team?
01:11:11
Speaker
Is that 97 also? Ooh, don't know. Because that's got internet porn jokes with the monks that love internet porn. mean, we are talking like the height or the beginning of good internetting. Yeah.
01:11:25
Speaker
Yeah, because there's that whole thing the yeah with the monks, right? That's double team? Oh, double teamed in 2002. No, double team. 97. I was just like double teamed.
01:11:36
Speaker
ah That's the movie I don't want to watch with you guys. Let me see if I do.
01:11:42
Speaker
Wait a minute. Is that Angela? No, that's a porn star.
01:11:48
Speaker
Is that Angela? No, porn star. ah The team name is the Palos Verdes. oh Might have to watch this. They get Shaq out of jail by doing this thing where call the DA and copy his voice, much like last week's episode, Face Off.
01:12:03
Speaker
Oh, yeah. and They do the voice box thing, and it's like, I can eat a peach. can eat a peach. Honey, we have company. Oh, it doesn't look good. Judd Nelson is trying to get that dude's voice. He's like, all right.
01:12:15
Speaker
I can eat a peach. I can eat a peach. Just imagine this guy saying things around your house like, Oh, those biscuits are burning. There's someone out the door. Not anymore. You asked that. They ran. And no one coming to this door ever again. So Shaq breaks into the bad guy facility.
01:12:37
Speaker
Yep. But they were waiting for him. Yeah. Oh, you know what we didn't mention? Probably doesn't matter. It matter. All right. Lily. Lily.
01:12:46
Speaker
lily that the dog's name? Oh my God, it matters. Lily's the best fucking part of this movie. Yes, it definitely matters. It's not even close. Lily is a good as girl golden retriever. Yes. Don't worry, she doesn't bite.
01:13:00
Speaker
She's gorgeous. She carries around distributor caps and tries to eat them. ye When Shaq throws a towel on her face, she like... To eat it? eats it. She goes on patrol with them. And at first, I thought they were using a stuffed dog, like Rowdy from Scrubs in the front seat. Yeah. but then like ah like the fifth or sixth time they showed it, I was like, because it's always a quick cut of them in the car.
01:13:19
Speaker
ah And it no the dog's just sitting there like... Goodest girl. She's focused on her trainer. Giuseppe for goodest girl. She's just like... Yeah, it's i it's such a cute little puppet. Yes. Yeah.
01:13:30
Speaker
It's gorgeous, Goldie. um I just want to mention it before though we reach the conclusion. got to say it that. Judd Nelson is trying to sell these weapons all these cast of characters. No, he's lease them because they need to come back. Point of order.
01:13:45
Speaker
I'm the only one that fix these. Because they need be recharged. Because Big Willie, he's like, only can recharge.
Climactic Action and Resolution
01:13:51
Speaker
And Big Willie's like, excuse me, I'm sewer baby Anthony Hopkins. We can recharge them. oh Sewer baby Anthony Hopkins out this movie. Only I can recharge. And recharge is a double entendre. It seems like such an easy takeover. Just so you know.
01:14:04
Speaker
Because I'm going to charge you again. Yeah. The recharge is what I'm cost calling my my payments. Yep. It's an easy takeover. Not one of these guys was loyal to Big Willie. No. No.
01:14:15
Speaker
You know, like I understand are a lot of hired soldiers. There's always that one guy who's like, he saved me from a dumpster and I owe him my life. All right, ghost dog. You don't have any ghost dogs in this movie.
01:14:28
Speaker
There's not one ghost dog. I was living in a junkyard and Shaft kept trying to kick me out. but Garbage baby Anthony Hopkins saved my life. Sewer baby. Whatever. Sewer garbage. They call me trash man.
01:14:40
Speaker
and and and and and and and Trash man. But ah Shaft almost gets taken down by some these dudes. And this is why i wanted to mention Lily, because this fucking golden retriever, which is not a move you expect to see a golden retriever do, flies in from out of screen. well You haven't seen any of the Air Buds?
01:14:57
Speaker
But not. yeah i i didn't There's not one moment I can remember an Air Bud where Air Bud like mauled a man. uh air bud in the army now wasn't crypto a goldie yeah but that doesn't count no crypto is not a white boy yeah crypto is not a golden retriever he is a super dog though yeah i mean we're talking about air bud um in the army now jesus christ where uh he signed up to be a water specialist and has to go fight people that's probably sure are you probably sure about that
01:15:29
Speaker
You show me a picture of a golden retriever and Pauly Shore, I'm going to show you the same picture.
01:15:36
Speaker
We love Pauly Shore. We love Pauly Shore. Lily's over on the side just like munching on some grindage.
01:15:44
Speaker
Look at that. He's all made out of steel.
01:15:51
Speaker
That's what he needs. He needed a comical sidekick in this movie. Yes. Absolutely, because she's not doing it. Richard Roundtree is trying. He's trying. He's in a different movie. He's in a different generation. Yes. That's the thing. Those bad lines that I was making fun of that you like...
01:16:06
Speaker
They're poorly written and they're stupid. The only reason they are kind of funny is because Richard Roundtree has presence right and knows how to deliver a line. He's working with what he has. I mean, he was in Shaft and people think like, oh, Shaft is a great movie.
01:16:20
Speaker
It's a good movie. I love it. But that 70s blaxploitation stuff was very cheap. Most of it was very poorly written. cheesy. It no story. It was just like, let's get this dude out there.
01:16:30
Speaker
He can shoot some dudes. We can see some tits. And we can call it a day. ah Who doesn't like tits and guns? That sounds like a great day. It's a great day. I love that movie, but like, that's what he's, yeah he's used to working with bad writing is what i'm saying. So he's trying his hardest.
01:16:44
Speaker
Sorry. I know, but I quit paying attention. We said tits and guns. Oh, okay. So what we watch? Oh, steel has neither of those things. So they, they, they knew steel was coming. They set a trap for him and he's Judd Nelson's like, I'm going to test my weapons on him in front of all of you.
01:16:58
Speaker
And this thing with, he's like, he takes the hammer from steel. Uh, whatever you do, don't touch that red button. I was like, really? That's going to be the conclusion of your movie. Man, yeah my hammer is pretty cool. It's way better than your weapon. No, all let me see it.
01:17:12
Speaker
Well, if you're going to see it, I wouldn't touch the big red switch. Let's do a test right now. Everybody here, when you want to see test my hammer? Huh? All right, cool. Just don't go to red, though, because it would probably hurt you.
01:17:23
Speaker
That's why he made it red. He's like, just in case Judd Nelson ever gets this hammer, he loves turning it up to red. It goes to red. This one goes to red 11. You know, I always have to push the envelope. Yeah, because he says he's like, don't don't do that. It's too much for you.
01:17:35
Speaker
You know I have to push the envelope. And hammer time. Yep. Magnets. which is it How do those work? Shack knows. And then Sparky earns her name because she has rigged her wheelchair up with Roman candles. yeah She turns into a bullet tornado. Yeah. She has one.
01:17:53
Speaker
She has one fucking hand on fire and one hand on right. yeah Again, it's very funny. Another early episode that we'll probably have to do for one of our anniversaries when we redo some of those early ones.
01:18:06
Speaker
Savage Dawn with Lance Henriksen, William Forsythe. I wasn't there for that. no didn't That's why I'm like, you guys got to see this. I think Whitney saw it, but George Kennedy is there. oh yeah. Yeah. And he's in a wheelchair the whole time because he had knee surgery. That I knew because we did the ah desert noon, high noon hot. Yeah. And he's in a wheelchair the whole time, but he has guns and shit on it. And there's a point where he's like shooting rockets off his wheelchair and stuff. That's all I could think of here. And it's just hilarious to see like a normal wheelchair.
01:18:34
Speaker
I mean, I guess she's got power, but it's not like some, well it's not like a good professor X level, like something super wheelchair. It's like a normal wheelchair. And she's just like shooting Roman candles and has jet engines. This is okay. This is closer to a future episode. Silver bullet. Gary Busey built this. Yeah. For Corey Haim.
01:18:53
Speaker
And it's got a fucking jet engine on it for no good reason because you feel bad for your handy, capable nephew. So you built him a car. Yeah. Because your drunk uncle is Gary Busey.
01:19:04
Speaker
i Asked and answered. That movie rocks. That movie does rock hard. um but Yeah, because he's like, get out of here quick. And she's like, is this quick enough? And they do like this. Like she just rolled out of there in a normal speed wheelchair. But they did the house. And they did the sped up footage because it's just like we made the house guest sped up footage. yeah I'm waiting for like as she like goes she's got the speaker on there. So it's fading. Yeah.
01:19:31
Speaker
So she gets out of there. There's a shootout. I was starting to fall asleep during the shootout. I'm not going to lie. It's dumb. and don't blame you for that. i did catch the best part, though. This grenade gets thrown at Shaq. The world's longest. I swear to God, it was 20 seconds. Right before or right after.
01:19:48
Speaker
ah This guy was like, right? Okay, so no this guy it's why this guy throws it in, locks them in, and then Shaq picks up a grenade. ray J tells him to have confidence in himself, believe in his jump shot, yada, yada.
01:20:04
Speaker
We've had a minute pass by since this grenade got thrown in here. Shaq lines it up. No, not yet. No, bounce. Not yet. Bounce, bounce, bounce. right. Now, shoots and then fucking rim jobs it and falls out. Then you get, oh, from the deepest. It's like Johnny Cash trying to falsetto.
01:20:22
Speaker
It does not work. was great.
01:20:28
Speaker
I just love to that. Like the big moment is like you have to free throw this grenade and he still almost misses still could barely fucking do it. can never make those free. He's a good sport for making fun of himself. Yeah. Yeah. we'll get I'll give him that.
01:20:39
Speaker
And Judd Nelson escapes, right? No. no Oh, he did he's at the Humvee and he's like, you never got to see my weapon. ah And it's this it's one of those sonic gun-looking things on the Humvee.
01:20:52
Speaker
ah Shoots Shaq because he underestimates Shaq's alloy. yeah out there but Shoots it back him. Fireball bounces back at him. And you even hear like ADR like, oh no, oh no.
01:21:02
Speaker
Really good ADR would pointed out when they're sneaking up in the facility, there's a guy with the dopeman pinchers. And Shaq points to the thing and he's all... Oh, hell no. Where are these dogs going? This guy looks like he should be a German hitman soldier. He's like, oh, dang, these dogs acting all funny. It reminded me of Kevin Bacon in Tremors. What the hell's going on? What the hell? I mean, what the hell is going on? Reminded me of Sven Othorsen in Hard Target where he's like, already checked all the rooms. They're all clear. My name's Fennel Thorson.
01:21:34
Speaker
I definitely sound just like this. It was hilarious. I made them rewind that part. Yeah. You let us. So then we have the conclusion. Charles Napier is talking to Shaft, who's using an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.
01:21:49
Speaker
like ah Talking to Shaq. Shaq. Shaq. Sorry. Yeah. No, you're fine. just making sure i got the movie right. I just watched it. Shaq, Shaft. A couple letters and and feet. Shaq, Shaft. ah Probably same dick though. Same dick length is correct. Why do they call Shaft? Whoa!
01:22:07
Speaker
whoa he said his favorite part was the chef yeah because the biggest part of him ratio wise he's trying to trace this call and he's using an Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard I'm sorry I don't would love to help you but I am all I'm pooped I'm telling you I am pooped I'm going to go smoke a stogie I deserve one do you have a stogie over there we can smoke him at the same time and it's like we're doing hello Charles Napier who is your daddy and what does he do It's not a tumor. It might be. I smoke a lot of stogies.
01:22:39
Speaker
It in fact could be a tumor. that She's like, we found him. He's in Cincinnati. I bet they're going to tell you I'm in Cincinnati. You idiot like I would ever go there. They put cinnamon in their chili and put it on spaghetti. I would never go to Cincinnati. I just, I really wanted. It's called Skyline Chili. Yeah. Garbage. Oh, I know.
01:22:55
Speaker
They also, i was i was in Cincinnati. Sorry to hear that. I didn't eat any Skyline Chili. I'm to hear that. I did take a picture of the sign because the way they do their chili was is they have like spaghetti with chili.
01:23:07
Speaker
Okay. And they have spaghetti with chili and cheese, butca chili, cheese, onions, et cetera, et cetera. And they name them two way, three way, four way, et cetera. I didn't know any of that. Driving by, see the sign for Skyline Chili and it says, bring your family in for a three way. Yep.
01:23:23
Speaker
And I was like, yeah and you sent me that picture. I think it's on my Instagram actually. That was the day Derek realized he was a swigger. Bring your family in for a three-way. They were ahead of the curve because that was way back in 2014. That was before people were ah fucking their families all the time on the internet. Oh, yeah. yeah you can't You can't not fuck a family now.
01:23:45
Speaker
No, everything's family porn. So ah he's like, i er John, Irons, is this you? And then what is Jack? Why don't you say it was me? I'm just the tallest guy you know.
01:23:56
Speaker
That seems height-sist. He throws a line back at him that the general had said to him prior. Yeah, it's a callback to something I couldn't have bothered to remember. yeah Oh, I didn't put that much work into this which is funny. and then just yeah I would have really liked it if they were in Cincinnati. And he's like, I bet you they say we're in Cincinnati. And he's like, well, we don't believe this thing now. hey Cover the mic. are we going to cover this? Just tell him we're in Cincinnati. He'll think we're not here.
01:24:21
Speaker
bet think we're in Cincinnati. We aren't. It's not the end of the movie. We get... i Black and bleh. Black and bleh. And ah sparky souffle Sparky's got a new wheelchair. Don't talk about the fucking souffle.
01:24:36
Speaker
It'll collapse. Yeah, Sparky has a new wheelchair and... She can stand now. got magic legs. We don't get any kiss kiss though. like I thought the whole thing was like, look at me stand up. This is them kissing. Nope, this is...
01:24:51
Speaker
His wife would check in the Rock Johnson modeled his career after ye sex except for like, you know, successful. Yeah. Sexless. Sessful. He's like i'm going to be the shack of movies. They're like, shack was in movies. He's like, I don't think he was. I think you're telling tall tales here. I would have remembered a shack movie.
01:25:10
Speaker
I remember that movie with Sinbad being a genie, but I don't remember the movie. You do not. Genie. Shaq was never a genie in a movie. This is um my universe. He was. But yeah, they don't.
01:25:20
Speaker
I mean, he wasn't mine, too. They did both movies, but they don't kiss because it's entirely sexless. hu And that's the end. So we'll go around the horn for recommendations. We'll start with Jack. I'm to surprise you. I recommend this. I had a really fun time and I will be buying this on a physical media. I'm not even joking. It's so stupid.
01:25:41
Speaker
It's so bad. It's fun. This is a, without needing it, a better, a higher budget of a Miami connection. It's the same shit that I enjoy.
01:25:52
Speaker
So I recommend that since caveats needed, I would probably be singing a whole different song and it's to be a whole different episode if I would have watched it at home alone. Yeah. Because I would have some of those jokes like, huh. And like you said with the wheelchair thing, like, Oh, try not to laugh, try not to laugh.
01:26:06
Speaker
And then we're fucking cracking up. Like, Oh, I found my people. So I give it one star, but I loved it.
01:26:16
Speaker
I need Jack's caveats for this. I definitely need people to watch it. It's a, I'm over Miami connection any day. i will rewatch this. who man. All right.
01:26:29
Speaker
Well, I'll buy this on 4k. We'll watch that. whole four k Um,
01:26:37
Speaker
I'll give it a soft wreck a friend. Ooh. Okay. My nice way of saying Jack's caveats. It's going to be hard to wreck a friend if you're soft. that's why it was my It was my trying to make a pun out of saying Jack's caveats without saying it for a third time. ah They're mine. It always comes in i remembered it being fucking horrendous. I saw it. I saw it not in theaters, not even on VHS, probably on TV.
01:27:01
Speaker
um I remembered hating it and it is bad and it's stupid and it's poorly written and mostly really poorly acted and ah has bad special effects. And I loved it. and But there are fun moments, especially if you're watching it with friends.
01:27:17
Speaker
this will be probably the only time I watch this movie. However, would be on like, watch this movie. Like you could put it on while you have people around who are drinking and you could be like, ah, there's Lily. I love Lily. She's the goodest girl. going to put this movie on with Shaq CD. It's a soundtrack.
01:27:37
Speaker
Oh, and that's how I get people out of my house. I was like, are you trying to do like your own Waco or ah turn it off? You put it on. Oh,
01:27:48
Speaker
But I don't really recommend it, but also like you could watch it. Understood. Understood. I guess a seeing is believing, I guess, would be the best. can yeah I know you said it in the last episode, but where can people watch it?
01:28:02
Speaker
ah Right now it is available to rent on Amazon for $3.79 or on Apple for or buy it on either for Don't buy it. Just rent it. Buy buy it, but not digitally.
01:28:15
Speaker
Let's see if it's on YouTube. But no, it is not on YouTube. So yeah, you can rent it if you must. All right, let's wrap up. I want to eat some wings for Mother's Day. You want out? You longed it out. and Speaking of watching movies on YouTube, next week's episode is going to be a little more obscure, but I wanted to watch this movie because I bought this DVD like four years ago in preparation for doing this podcast.
01:28:39
Speaker
It's a like bootleg DVD because this movie was never released. However, you can watch it on YouTube. It is 1994's Fantastic Four produced by robert never Roger Corman. Never seen it. I've seen i've watched the documentary about it.
01:28:53
Speaker
Yeah, I've never seen it either. I bought the DVD and I was like, I'm waiting until we do an episode. We're about to see it. But there's a new Fantastic Four movie coming out this summer, so I figured this was the time. Perfect. So you guys can watch it. It's on YouTube. I found it out there.
01:29:05
Speaker
I'm sure it's great quality. Don't forget, we have a Patreon, patreon.com slash worst people, where a superhero... Spectacular. Have that shit chambered, girl.
01:29:17
Speaker
Continues with 1978's Superman. Also tying to a movie that's coming out this summer and tying to the passing of Gene Hackman because we took the opportunity after he died to talk shit about a movie he was in. So I figured let's do one of his greats. Let's suck a little Gene Hack.
01:29:34
Speaker
And that's available on Macs, of course, because it's Warner. Or you can rent it on Apple and Amazon for four. Buy it for You can go Swap Meet and pick up a copy for two bucks if I didn't already do that. It just came out on 4K recently, so you can get that. It's it's it's Superman from 1978. You'll find it.
01:29:50
Speaker
Come And also we have Latchkey Vids. Latchkey Vids. Where we continue with Cop Rock. Okay. And it is episode six, Oil of Ole. Ooh.
01:30:02
Speaker
That's all I know about this episode. It's to be about fucking governor's wax snatch. Woo! For the mayor. far And if you guys could just do us all a great favor, go to shop.badmovies.com.
01:30:15
Speaker
Damn it. Start over. Go to shop.badmovies.com and buy some merch. I marked it all down to put it on sale a while back, and I was like, yeah, just leave it marked down. It's not a way to make money. It's a way to get you guys some cool merch and to help get our name out there. So go buy some shit.
01:30:32
Speaker
I've been putting up some Han Took Shots First stuff just recently. As in last night, after we watched Andor, do we have Andorable? Added an Andorable shirt. Oh, yeah.
01:30:43
Speaker
So there's there's Bad Movies, Worst People designs. There's Han Chick-Shots first designs. Go there. i think the shirts are like $13.50. Also, it doesn't just have to be shirts. You can get like onesies for your kids. You can get coffee mugs. can get phone cases, pillows, hats, key chains. All of it. We're working on a Bad Movies ball gag.
01:31:03
Speaker
They have COVID masks in case you're worried. Or if you want to become a villain in a movie and you need to cover your face when you're doing your job. just my boobs. Just promote us. If you're going to rob a bank, i don't I don't say you should, but let' just you know promote us if you are going to rob a bank. Put on your bad movies, worse people mask and rob that bank. Or don't.
01:31:22
Speaker
Allegedly. Worse people. That's it for this week. I've been Derek. I'm still married to him. I'm a hot dog. No! Oh!
01:32:02
Speaker
yeah
01:32:08
Speaker
look yeah I just made a proclamation this is going to be the most professional episode and we're starting out with good guys. Welcome back to that. Hi, everybody.
01:32:20
Speaker
everybody. Hi. i'm ah oh Welcome back to bad movies. I'm with me. Have we got a show for you? Are you ready? Is that at the beginning?
01:32:33
Speaker
ah no you Go.