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Ep 150: The Fantastic Four (1994)
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Watch the movie on YouTube right here!
Marvel famously buried this Roger Corman-produced B-movie before it could ever be released, but nerds being nerds wouldn't let it die. An almost finished copy of the film has been circulating at comic conventions via bootleg VHS and DVD copies, and it is also available on YouTube. With the MCU's first foray into The Fantastic Four set to release this summer, we decided to check this one out and found that it might be the best adaptation of Marvel's First Family to date. Check out the episode for all of our thoughts on this secret gem. This one isn't available anywhere, as it's never been released, but you can find it on YouTube right here!
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Transcript
Introduction and Patreon Plea
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, guys, I don't want to sound needy here. I'm needy. But we have a Patreon at Patreon.com slash first people. Mm-hmm. And it only costs $3 a month. $3 a month is nothing. And I know times are hard right now. Real hard for me.
00:00:13
Speaker
Inflation's up. You can't afford your groceries. Can't eat. But you can't afford $3 a month if you love us. Give us $3. Super love us. Please love us. we're not We're not begging. I'm begging.
00:00:25
Speaker
We're not pleading. I'm pleading. We're not down on our knees. Oh, boy. my My knees hurt. They've been on the o it on so long. But we do kind of need the money. I need the money bad. We need new equipment.
00:00:36
Speaker
Okay. new equipment. We need to do remote podcasts for all of you. wouldn't mind eating. We need to have video. I wouldn't mind eating. ah We need more drinks. Food sounds good.
00:00:47
Speaker
So please check out patreon.com slash worst people. Please check us out. You get a bonus episode every month and we're going more content coming for you. I'll send you pictures. ah Thank you guys. Thank you so much. Please give me more. Patreon.com. I'm being held hostage here.
00:01:01
Speaker
Slash worst people. I don't pay my way out of here. They're going to kill me.
00:01:08
Speaker
Let's roll.
Podcast Introduction from Latvia
00:01:09
Speaker
We're broadcasting from a hidden location in Latvia. This bootleg episode. It's clobbering time.
Fantastic Four Film Discussion
00:01:17
Speaker
I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm Jack.
00:01:19
Speaker
This is Bad Movies. Worst People.
00:01:53
Speaker
I even opened up the can like we used to. Kicking it old school. Right? Yes. We got to take it old school every once in a while. Hey, you know what? You rock.
00:02:03
Speaker
Well, you're on fire. Oh, she might be stretching the truth there, Derek. He's on fire. You guys are invisible? I can't see Derek. Derek wishes he was invisible. Dude, that'd be so cool. Like most of the time, Derek wishes he was fucking invisible.
00:02:16
Speaker
And not to be creepy and look at naked women, even though he probably would, But just so he could just be invisible, and especially when you're doing Friday night check-ins. Why is this guy going, why is this shopping cart just filling up but there's no one pushing it?
00:02:31
Speaker
Yeah, Derek uses us his invisibility for errands. Like not even fighting crime or starting crime. Just like, needed to fucking roast. Yeah. I don't want people to look at me while I grab this fucking zucchini.
00:02:43
Speaker
People think it's all weird when I measure a zucchini with my hands. Is that a two or three hander? I like that zucchini. That's a good size zucchini. This feels like it's about seven and a half inches. I just want to see what it would be like in one bite.
00:02:57
Speaker
We are discussing, speaking of bootlegs, 1994's The Fantastic Four. Produced by Roger Corman, directed by Ole Sasson. Ole, ole, ole, ole.
00:03:10
Speaker
Sasson. Exactly that. Let's get this right out of the way. This could be the best Fantastic Four movie. Agreed. I mean, aside from the one that's coming out this summer, which we haven't seen. As of recording right now, this is the best one out. This is the best Fantastic Four movie anyone's ever made. yeah Crazy, because I looked up the other movie's budget.
Saga of the Unreleased 1994 Film
00:03:27
Speaker
The original, not the original, the 04, 05? The Elba. That's the original. it come out the same year as Catwoman? It was 05, so it was a year later. Catwoman's 04, get it right. I'll put it on right now. Okay. It might have been 04, actually, because of some stuff with this one, but go ahead. So that is the original? Yes. But do you want to take a guess at the budget of that before we know the budget? $110 million. $110 million.
00:03:53
Speaker
The budget for Fantastic Four. The first one. With Alba. Yes. Alba and that Welsh guy. You said $100 and what? $110 million. $110. I'll probably $104. Yeah. going to go higher. $120.
00:04:05
Speaker
say and hopeful four oh one i'm gonna go hi win twenty It was 100 million. It was 100 times more expensive than this movie.
00:04:16
Speaker
Yeah. yeah Yeah. That's the only reason I wanted to do that was it's 100 times more expensive than movie. Wow. Yeah, because this movie may have cost around a million dollars. There's no definitive number, but Roger Corman interview was like, they said it we'll give you a million dollars, but then there was other stuff that went in and out and people had to put in money and yeah whatever. But it's around a million bucks.
00:04:38
Speaker
The studio spent a million. It cost two. And this movie was never released. ah You can watch it. We watched it on this fabulous bootleg DVD that I found found on the internet a few years ago.
00:04:49
Speaker
But it's wouldn't say it's fabulous. I'd say it's fantastic. Fantabulous. They're the fabulous four. fabulous four. That's Robin Williams and Nathan Lane from The Birdcage with Robin Williams' brother from Harvey Fierstein. Yeah, Harvey Fierstein. And then... ah The Fabulous Four has already been taken, by the way. I don't care about that's the fab four, by the way. Yeah, where the we're saying the whole thing. Yeah, I was getting real like good, awesome gay dudes.
00:05:19
Speaker
Well, yeah, those losers from the just the original i love the original cast. They were. But anyway, this was never released, but you guys could have watched it or you still can on YouTube and Daily Motion, which is like the illegal YouTube.
00:05:34
Speaker
Oh, is it? i didn't know that was a thing. Yeah, it's like YouTube that doesn't take stuff down for copyrights. Nice. Fuck yeah, that's the YouTube we all deserve. That's what YouTube used to be. Used to be. You know what started as a dating thing?
00:05:47
Speaker
That's like the the intent of YouTube. <unk>s like I would send a video of me like, hi ladies, I like hamsters and things that go bump in the night. Wow. And then you would watch that and be like, hey, i like I'm a thing that goes bump in the night.
00:06:00
Speaker
And I have a hamster. YouTube? Yeah. Makes sense. why are Y-O-U. I was just assumed it was because it was like user created content, but the name makes sense. But this guy, Ole Sassone or whatever his name is, he filmed a bunch of music videos basically before this. this Vidal Sassone's son.
00:06:15
Speaker
the The most notable one for me at least was Jerry Lee Lewis's video for Great Balls of Fire. Oh, okay. Which is why we got the young girl thing in this too. Yeah. They're not related, but i mean, the the age is inappropriately there.
00:06:30
Speaker
This guy also directed such gems as Blood Fist 3 with Don the Dragon Wilson. Okay. Fast Getaway 2 with Corey Haim and Cynthia Rothrock. Boy, the more numbers you're putting in these things, the worse it's getting.
00:06:44
Speaker
And he also directed episodes of Xena, Hercules, and Martial Law. Oh, boy, on those first two. Yeah. So this guy's a... hero of of sorts.
00:06:55
Speaker
To somebody out there, this guy's a fucking hero. because I liked the Hercules and Xena when I was of the age of them coming out and being on TV. Yeah. I knew nothing. i saw a buff guy with long hair. I thought, that's cool.
00:07:07
Speaker
I saw a freaking hot chick throwing rings going, la, la, la. la thought, that's cool. Oh, you mean... That's exactly what I My mom was obsessed with Xena and I used to have to record it for them when they went bullying.
00:07:21
Speaker
That's how they found out I was gay. oh okay. Because i would pause it for commercials and then go to channel 28. Oh, the the porn. The spice.
00:07:32
Speaker
And then like look at the clock. and I'm like, all right, it's been three and a half minutes. So I go back. And apparently at one time I did not pause it. and So in the middle of my mom watching Xena, it goes straight to spice. See, I thought you were recording the entire time.
00:07:46
Speaker
And you were just making like really early splices. Instead of commercials, we're watching a blowjob. You're just living on the edge. You're like, yeah, I'm recording this for my parents, but I'm also going to watch porn. What of it? but You really got to trust yourself to not do what she did, though. like You really got to like, every time, ah hit pause, change the channel, change channel back, hit unpause. You need checklist next to you. yes I was eight and half, nine years old. Oh, okay. was like, you gotta be sober. gotta sober. But kudos to my parents for not shaming me in any way, shape, or form. i never even found out until I was 18 and came out to my mom. yeah
00:08:22
Speaker
And she's like, yeah, why do you think you had to go to bowling with us? And I was like, because I was always in trouble. And she's like, I mean, that too. but Oh, thought you mentioned she was trying to find you a girlfriend. No, I wasn't allowed to stay home alone. Gotcha. Same, but for different reasons. Speaking of making sequels like this guy, ah one of the writers here, Kevin Rock,
00:08:42
Speaker
ah He made that's all he wrote that I recognized how the howling for colon the freaks starting with the four warlock the Armageddon which is the second warlock. Okay.
00:08:53
Speaker
And Philadelphia Experiment 2 which is an insane movie too. Yeah. And then when you say insane movie is that good or bad. Yes.
00:09:04
Speaker
Okay. I remember thinking it was awesome but not good. Make me watch it. All right. And then Craig J. Nevious is the other writer. He's an evil guy. The only thing I recognized from his credits, and I've never seen any of them, was that he wrote and produced all four of the Black Scorpion movies and Black Scorpion TV show, which was like- Dolph Lundgren?
00:09:24
Speaker
No, no. It was a dummy mommy superhero. Ooh. Yeah. It's one of those things I know the cover, but I've never actually seen any of it. So it's ah it's a buxom woman in leather.
00:09:37
Speaker
Make me watch it. Who rides a motorcycle. You know, I'll do that on my own. You know what? we Actually, that'll be next week's episode. Catwoman. So. i Can't fucking wait.
00:09:48
Speaker
Oh, and this is also produced by Roger Corman, which is, I think, part of the reason it became so infamous. Part of it is that they made a whole fucking movie and then it was burned. Give a quick rundown for anybody that hasn't heard of our past episodes of Roger Corman. Roger Corman was a He has passed. Rest in pictures. in pictures. One of the kings. But...
00:10:05
Speaker
He was the low budget producer of note for like the 70s, 80s and 90s. um He directed some stuff. I believe he directed the Wild Angels, which we watched.
00:10:16
Speaker
Wild Angels. He didn't direct much. Yeah. He did the Mask of the Red Death, which is a Vincent Price movie that I have on Blu-ray. That's fucking just in chef's kiss. It's fucking awesome. Go on. But he was known for like, you can we need to make this movie for less than a million dollars. Yeah. He's like, I got you. Because, I mean, like we've talked about I don't pay attention to names. I didn't pay attention to names much.
00:10:38
Speaker
He's a name I knew because he can get it done for under. Whatever your budget is, he can hit it. So is he like the Scorsese director? ah Yeah, he she fast and he is the gen the dollar general version of Scorsese.
00:10:54
Speaker
Not even wish.com. We're talking Dollar Tree. Well, he was more of a producer than a director. He directed some things. He only directed maybe like 20 things over that like very long career. Yeah.
00:11:04
Speaker
But he produced hundreds of movies. ah One of the biggest ones that people have heard of is Death Race 2000, which was David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone. was like Wacky Races with Murder. It's Cannonball Run, Take Out the Boobs, Insert Death.
00:11:20
Speaker
No, I think there might have been boobs. Take out all some of the boobs. Leave leave a little bit of them. like don't Don't take out all boobs. Take out of Jackie Chan. Insert Sylvester Stallone. Yep, there you go. yeah That's a downgrade almost every time. Almost.
00:11:32
Speaker
um But yeah, so they made this movie for about a million dollars. And apparently there was... There's a lot of... stories about what happened behind the scenes on this one. So there was a company called Constantine Film.
00:11:46
Speaker
They're German film producing company. and And then in the mid 1980s, they bought the rights, the Fantastic Four from Stanley and Marvel. Excelsior. They had until December 31st of 1993 to start making a Fantastic Four movie or their rights would lapse and it would go back to Marvel. How when did they buy it?
00:12:06
Speaker
ah The mid 80s. And there was a lot of back and forth. There was a lot of trying to do this, trying to do that. And it just never came fruition. When he says going back to Marvel, he means like the comic book company, not this giant beast that we know now that got bought by Disney. Yeah. and We are talking like a very broke Marvel company. In the 80s, Marvel was broke. so and And I mean, one of the interviews I saw, Stan Lee was like, oh, our lawyers sold that to him. And the guy's like, no,
Roger Corman's Low-Budget Filmmaking
00:12:27
Speaker
he sold it to me. Yeah.
00:12:28
Speaker
but I believe Stan Lee straight sold that He was like, I need some money. Yeah. Marvel was shit going out of business. Marvel was losing. They were going to be gone. Marvel Studios hadn't even formed at this point. There were Marvel movies. We had, you know, ah so the Captain America is what we watched with Christopher Lee there.
00:12:44
Speaker
Even the Fantastic Four from 2004. That's Fox. Is that a Marvel studio? I'm saying. No. Yeah. And that actually ties to this um because it's still.
00:12:57
Speaker
So basically they bought the rights for like $250,000. Ten year option. And then just before it ran out, they started making this. That's why we were watching the little documentary. By the way, guys, quick sidebar. There's a documentary that if you're interested in this, just watch that. It'll give you all the information. Definitely watch it. if you It's called Doomed, the untold story of Roger Corman's Fantastic Four.
00:13:17
Speaker
It's on Prime. You can rent it for 99 cents or buy it for four bucks. Go check it out. Yeah, it's worth watching. It's definitely worth a watch. A ton of great information, and you feel really bad for the creators and the actors in this movie. but Oh, yeah. Basically...
00:13:31
Speaker
At the last minute, they were like, OK, well, we need to get this movie started or we're going to lose our option. And we paid $250,000. So they spend a million dollars to pay this only Sassoon and and Roger Corman to make this movie.
00:13:42
Speaker
And Stan Lee claims that he found out about it, but it was never actually intended to come out. It was basically like, well, we're making the movie, so you can't take away our option now. Right. That was the big, even before I watched the documentary, that was the word on the street, was they were making it just so they didn't lose the rights. They were never going to release it.
00:14:01
Speaker
They didn't tell the actors and the creators, obviously, but they were just doing it to hold on to their rights. Right. But according to the director and the actors, they're like, that's not anything we ever knew. Even Roger Corman is like that. I don't know about that.
00:14:14
Speaker
Yeah. Roger Corman, I'm sure did some shady shit. So maybe, maybe not. um But I guess Constantine film was actually still involved. So because they renewed it, they had another 10 year option.
00:14:25
Speaker
So then 10 years later, Fantastic Four is being made in 2004. And that was also with Constantine Films and 20th Century Fox.
00:14:36
Speaker
So that version was still with them. And then they did the sequel, which was a disaster. Yeah. We did an episode. If you
Comic Book Movie Rights Explored
00:14:44
Speaker
guys want to hear it, patreon.com slash worst people. It's the only way to hear it because they want to bury it. i was very drunk.
00:14:50
Speaker
Well, it's also one of those first handful of episodes where I start the episode like, ah are we doing a podcast or something? oh What are we supposed to do here? Do I just talk into this microphone? And then apparently they're also do with my hands.
00:15:02
Speaker
Apparently they're also tied to the 2015 reboot, which because they still had the film option, right? Because they had made a movie. So it's like 10 years, 10 years, 10 years. And then Disney probably paid off because I know that that first Fantastic Four, ah the 04 made money.
00:15:19
Speaker
Yeah. So if they if they got it if they got points on that, they they they're making this just to hold on, made sense. That second one probably made money too. I mean, it had to have made some, but that first one did really well because I looked at the budget. The international number was $330 million. Jesus.
00:15:34
Speaker
So I got a $100 million dollar budget. You did okay. Well, I gave them like eight bucks. Yeah. so Oh, I definitely saw that in theaters. Yeah. We were we do we were riding the high of the first at least one, maybe two X-Men movies.
00:15:46
Speaker
Yeah, well, and that's what kind of pushed it, was that X-Men had come out and done really well. Let's not forget Blade. o I've got a ah thing kind of related to that coming up here. All right. So Avi Arad, who was...
00:15:57
Speaker
The head of like marvel Marvel's film production. It wasn't technically Marvel Studios yet. You'll see his name if you go back and watch those early Tobey Maguire movies and stuff. He found out about this movie, and so he went and bought it from Constantine Films, got all the hard copies, and destroyed them without ever even watching it.
00:16:18
Speaker
Okay. Because they were like, we don't want this low budget shit out there ruining the good name of the Fantastic Four. We're going to make a great movie in a few years with Lawrence Fishburne as the Silver Surfer. It's going to be great.
00:16:28
Speaker
Yeah. No one's going to get really drunk on the internet and scream about it. ah Not even why um But yeah, he revisit that. he He found out about the movie because he was wearing a Fantastic Four shirt somewhere.
00:16:41
Speaker
And someone was like, oh, hey, when is that movie coming out? And he's like, excuse the fuck out of me. The what? The pardon. But apparently somebody had already made a copy of. at least the rough cut that we saw here. Like most of the effects are done.
00:16:55
Speaker
I don't think that ending stuff was finished. No, but no. And it's fine. But somebody had it. and And actually Marvel as a studio denied that this movie existed. They were like, it's a rumor. Never happened. but then it just started popping up everywhere. Well, yes. Somebody started finding them with a trailer. They were like, what about this trailer?
00:17:12
Speaker
And they're like, yeah. People started finding them thrift stores and things like that and like mom and pop movie shops and did the service that they needed to do and copied it. It became a big um like Comic-Con thing. Yeah.
00:17:26
Speaker
Back when Comic-Con was for comics and nerds. Yeah. And it wasn't just a trade show for the newest movies. To sell signatures. Yeah. There was a bunch of stuff lined up, so these guys were super excited. They're like, we're going to make this Fantastic Four movie. It's going to be this big wave of superhero movies that are going to be really fledgling actors. like They're stoked. This is their shot.
00:17:42
Speaker
Well, right before this, we had a Captain America movie that you guys have not seen yet. ah There is a company that's putting out. Because we watched the second one? We watched the second of the first...
00:17:54
Speaker
Captain. Correct. So we watched the one from the seven watched episode two. OK. There was Captain America and Captain America to death too soon. Right. And then in 1990, there was another Captain America movie that I have a Blu-ray someday coming from from this little company who's working with the director, this guy, Albert Pune, who's a very well-known garbage movie director.
00:18:14
Speaker
And he has the rights to it, so he's putting it out. It's an official Blu-ray, not bootleg shit. Okay. But I've been waiting for it forever. It's a very small company, so we'll see. But it's got the Red Skull. Fingers crossed. It's got the Red Skull. It's got all that stuff.
00:18:26
Speaker
That had come out, and it had not done great. But this one, was they were they got the go-ahead-for-this-movie. And they were like, look, we've got these other great movies coming up. ah James Cameron is directing a Spider-Man movie for Carol Co.
00:18:40
Speaker
Carol Co, who did some of the Rambos and Terminator 2 and other stuff. ah Wesley Snipes was signed to play Black Panther. and Oh, yeah. I remember that. And Wes Craven was supposed to be doing a Doctor Strange movie. Oh, boy. Dude, this documentary
Alternate Universe Superhero Movies
00:18:54
Speaker
started with that. And I was like, turn it off. Let's find those. Did they get made? Are they also bootlegs? No. At that moment, Derek realized he needed to find a way to shift universes.
00:19:02
Speaker
Yeah, I need to go back to my universe. All of a sudden, he's got made just gave up on the podcast and started building a oh fucking shift machine. Is that what happened? Somebody from our universe brought a copy of this movie. It was never really done here.
00:19:17
Speaker
And then that's why Marvel's like, what are you talking about? That doesn't exist. I'm telling you it doesn't exist. Why do they keep so? Oh, my God, that's a trailer. Well, if anybody out there has bootleg of Shazam ah from my universe, hook a brother up. This is my universe. You know what? With this Google VO3 thing that's out now where people can make these AI videos that look way too real, yeah someone's making Shazam now. Someone should be if you're not.
00:19:43
Speaker
You're wasting your life. home And if you are, you're wasting your life. Call me and Jack will help you with the script. yeah I can punch it up. Derek will write it. Jack will punch it up. So there's some other people who auditioned for roles in this movie because the everybody in this is mostly not really anybody. They never made it.
00:19:59
Speaker
They did stuff. I mean most of them are working actors. We we recognize one of these guys by his look because we are a bad movie podcast. Because it's a movie we've done in the past. But... There were three people who auditioned for Dr. Doom who, well, two of whom are like big names and one of whom is a name amongst us at least.
00:20:17
Speaker
So we have Mark Ruffalo. This is 1993. This is happening, by the way. That's a young Mark Ruffin. It was. Titus Welliver. Oh, fuck yeah. which Which made me laugh because that's around the time that we saw him on Beverly Hills 90210 as like a drunk boyfriend.
Casting Humor in 1994 Film
00:20:34
Speaker
Who was he up to play?
00:20:35
Speaker
Dr. Doom. That would have been great. would have been amazing. mean, he didn't have the gravitas then, but like I said, we saw him in an episode of 90210. I wonder how his finger work would have been. Pretty scary. This guy's finger work. Top notch.
00:20:48
Speaker
And Nick Cassavetes. o Welcome back. We just welcome back twice. well We just had him. Yeah. Wait, what was he in? You want to take his face oh off?
00:20:59
Speaker
I like him. and then He could be a good doom. And apparently Patrick Warburton tried out for Ben Grimm. I would have dug that. Is that Dr. Doom's poison? The poison from Dr. Doom?
00:21:11
Speaker
That poison? Okay. He didn't get it, so he just went on to do Venture Brothers instead. Hey, Reed, look what I can do. ah that was a good that was a good fucking if not just patrick warburton uh crunk yeah oh no i was thinking he's but it's mostly just his voice but what's the inventor brothers oh yeah brock brock said dad said i heard something different i heard crunk i said crunk for because that's from emperor's new group oh that's what i'm doing i never saw that but i have failed as a wife yeah you kind of have i failed as a stoner friend this is at least the second to third time you guys have been shocked about that on the podcast. Dude, the next time that we end up at my house at 4.30 in the morning because it's going to happen again, we're putting on Emperor's New Groove and you're going to sit there and you're going to fucking take it. If had to watch Miami Connection again. That's true.
00:21:59
Speaker
I was like, Chris Farley is dead. i don't need to watch a movie that has David Spade's voice in it. But it's probably the best David Spade-ing without Farley. All right, I'll watch it. Because he's not there.
00:22:10
Speaker
First of all, he's got that sissy little dress thing. Second of all, look what I could do. What does that have to... No, no, he's got a point. Yeah. but So it is just Patrick Warburton doing his own voice because it sounds exactly like Brock Sampson. ah so Well, when you have a voice like that, except for Joe in American Dad, Family Guy, guy he because he's just yelling.
00:22:30
Speaker
That's the only difference is he's just Pacino-ing across the, hey, look, I can yell! can yell! Well, he was also in that one show with David Spade.
00:22:41
Speaker
um She's got a great ass. Rules of engagement. Yeah. Yeah, my parents watched that. My parents are like you. They like to sit around and watch dumb sitcoms. That's what I said. Boopy traps. Like feces traps?
00:22:54
Speaker
That's what I said. Poopy traps. Oh, so here. I found the date. I was looking for it earlier. I'm just trying to think of movies we've covered that Patrick Ward Burton will want to try out for. You want to take his face off? I could play Dr. Doom.
00:23:05
Speaker
You want to take no more drugs for that man.
00:23:10
Speaker
I don't know what she's doing here. yeah Darla was the prom queen.
00:23:15
Speaker
losers Losers go home and complain about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Here's one that neither of you will probably get, though. It would be him saying, ah lose the zero. I can't do the voice. Lose the zero. Get with the hero. Get with the hero.
00:23:27
Speaker
Is that Earth Girls Are Easy? Cool as ice. He does say in Earth Girls Are Easy because then Damon Wayans goes, ah lose the lose the hero and get with the zero. Yeah. We just watched that. I don't remember. love that We just watched that a few months ago. That's just for me. yeah um But i found that I found the
Roger Corman's Creative Style
00:23:45
Speaker
dates here. So it had to be started by December 31st of 1992. Okay.
00:23:50
Speaker
So they began filming on December 28th of 1992. Okay. So they just made that shit. Just a bit outside. Just a bit outside. I don't how these guys stay off pitches that close.
00:24:02
Speaker
But I was mentioning how bunch people had to spend their own money. The composers on this, David and Eric Wurst, hired 40-piece orchestra at their own expense. I do have to say they were the best. The music is a bright, shining spot in a movie I didn't hate. i'm not goingnna like It's not the shining spot an otherwise turd.
00:24:20
Speaker
It's just a shining spot. It is. Yeah, it and I mean, we're recording these out of order because we mentioned it in the Catwoman episode that we haven't done this yet. This score is so much better than that Catwoman score. by ah You're talking about a movie I love that i have I'm going to get a Catwoman tattoo. Five stars. so five Four. Four and a half, be realistic. You go to my letterbox, it's one. No, that soundtrack is white, dried up, pooped.
00:24:43
Speaker
so why what did i write up poop It was somebody who was obsessed with Matrix and Hackers. yeah Yeah, I think I said it on the episode. i'm like this is It's like if someone listened to Hackers and then learned how to use Fruity Loops that weekend. This is done by somebody who listened to John Williams and went and hired an orchestra. Yeah. yeah Like and not copying, just you figured it out. Completely different. Like you can tell it's not. I mean, it's it's a high school orchestra, but they got it. It's J-Dubs inspired. Thank you for calling them J-Dubs. I appreciate that about you. appreciate you.
00:25:13
Speaker
And everything you do to shorten anything in any way possible. I kill them all. Not just ah the men, the women and children too. It's impossible to walk in this book. There's no footing at all.
00:25:24
Speaker
So we start with Professor. That's just his name in the credits. Professor. Yeah. Which I'm only going to mention because he's played by George george Gaines. From Fraggle Rock. From Police Academy. Commandant Lessard from all the Police Academy movies. At least up till City Under Siege.
00:25:39
Speaker
I think he's... I never watched after that. City of the Siege is like the sixth one, right? So there's only one more. I'm not saying I didn't remember him from that, but the very first thing that popped in my head when he turned around from that chalkboard was the dog and him and Fraggle Rock. like That was just the face.
00:25:57
Speaker
i just never won my My first thing I saw was him getting a blowjob from a prostitute while he was giving a speech at a podium. You didn't watch Fraggle Rock? No, I watched Police Academy. More. He's also in Cheers, like a lot of these people. I know exactly which episode. Malcolm something. Season 2, episode 12, Malcolm Kramer.
00:26:14
Speaker
Malcolm Kramer. Yeah, he's dying, so he wants to bartend. He talks about bartended his way through. Sam watches him make a blindfold martini, and hilarity will ensue. That's pretty tough, blindfold martini. I poured this vodka into his glass. Well, you just got to find a blindfold big enough for the glass.
00:26:30
Speaker
port this viing I this vodka in this triangle-shaped glass. You're welcome.
00:26:37
Speaker
No, this is a fucking martini from back then. It was the vermouth and everything. I know. You got vermouth in there. I just... I don't. I was talking to someone. Well, I do... I have enough, whatever vermouth stuck to the ice in the shaker. That's all you're supposed to do.
00:26:51
Speaker
I talked to someone who was a bartender and they were talking about like when girls come in and they're like, I want a Cosmo. oh this was I think this was me. Was it you? i was talking about when I, when I loved working at ah a legit bar, it it wasn't just girls, but it was a lot of girls, freshly 21 for the guys. It was definitely double Oh seven. i don't know what the girls were watching, but they I want a martini and they get it. And they're just like, oh that's just, that's just alcohol.
00:27:14
Speaker
yeah That's just alcohol. Yeah, with olives. we were yeah We were on the cruise ship with my parents and my mom ordered a Cosmo, which is a martini with some fruit juice in it. effort yeah Well, it's got Cointreau instead of ah vermouth. So you're you're like basically triple sec. But my mom was like, I don't know what to I've never had one.
00:27:32
Speaker
It's free. It's i was on my drink card, right? she got it and she was like, I don't like that. That's too strong. and i was like, that's because it's straight liquor, mom. It's all liquor. Yeah, i think you I think you might dash cranberry for color.
00:27:44
Speaker
A mixer it is not. Imagine an old fashioned, but you didn't put ice on it. There you go. you oh That's strong. It's all liquor. Well, you people say you're supposed to stir them.
00:27:55
Speaker
I like my martini shake and I like a foggy martini. Yep. Me too. Not because of 007. And I like mine so dirty. It might as well as be a fucking can of olives with vodka in it. Pork is what I say. to that Yeah, I do mine with a lemon twist.
00:28:09
Speaker
i would do never had a I would do the onion bulb. Yeah, as you say you're ahead the Gibson. Yeah, I don't like onions. Let's move on. So anyway, he's giving a speech about the speed of light or something.
00:28:21
Speaker
And we've got Reed Richards and Victor Vaughn. they don't It's not Victor Von Doom. Well, he dropped that when he came to this country. Well, he didn't. They they took it away at Ellis Island. Von Doom.
00:28:32
Speaker
but No, it's Vaughn. So Richards and Victor Vaughn. Oh my God, that's where Vince Vaughn came from. Vince Vaughn Doom? Holy shit. Just made a connection.
00:28:43
Speaker
He is from Laughvia. ah Well, Laughvia. Depends on the era. Early Vince Vaughn was Laugh. Yes. And then later they they lost that coup and the state changed his name to Laughvia.
00:28:56
Speaker
And now... Now he just does like tough guy movies and he's actually pretty good. Yeah, not bad. Was it Brawl and I don't remember. 99? 200? I think was 99. It was Brawl and Cell Block 99. 2187? That's good.
00:29:09
Speaker
But anyway. So they're like arguing over. Can I tell you guys who the actors are? You got to give them some credit. They didn't even get paid. ah They did kind of. and they in. ah Reed Richards is played by Alex Hyde White who played young Henry in Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade.
00:29:26
Speaker
Oh shit. ah He was in Phantom of the Opera. Not the one anybody here has seen but one I do own on Blu-ray. starring Robert England. Okay. As the titular Phantom. As the titular Phantom.
00:29:40
Speaker
um He was in Pretty Woman. He was David Morse. thought maybe that name would help you guys. yeah He's one of the He's one of the ones Richard Gere's friend, right? No, Richard Gere's trying to take them over. oh There's the old old man Morris, and then David Morris is the younger one.
00:29:55
Speaker
That's Reed Richards? Yeah. Son of a bitch. I should have seen that. ah He was also in a movie called Checkmate. Which ties back to our director here. You how I said the director did a Cynthia Rothrock movie?
00:30:07
Speaker
Yeah. Checkmate is also a Cynthia Rothrock movie. Get right out of town. Yeah. One of these other guys is also in a Cynthia Rothrock movie. so You said her name twice, man. He's actually said it like four times Say one more time see if she shows up. Cynthia Rothrock.
00:30:21
Speaker
She just fucking karate kicks the door down. She comes in and throws me through a window and I'm like, awesome! I came!
00:30:31
Speaker
I loved you in Wall Street. Oh, apparently he was also in Catch Me If You Can and Nope as well. Oh, okay. I'll have to take it. And Nope said his name was Grizz, and I don't remember who that I know if it's the old guy they're working with on the farm.
00:30:45
Speaker
I only saw an Nope in the theater. I saw it ah but when it first went to streaming, and I liked that movie. I cannot tell you who Grizz No, I bought it on 4K, but I have not watched i was going to say he's probably one of the four k one of the older guys that's going to be made into...
00:31:00
Speaker
maybe i have to watch it again to watch it just to look for reed richards yeah and then uh victor vaughn slash dr doom played by joseph culp who was on mad men for a bit uh he did apparently the voice of mick jagger in an episode of new girl yeah because you said he's on that i mick jagger don't show up like hes he's there it's the whole story that's what i thought when i saw mick jagger because that's is that the that's the prince episode or no No, it's a Lose Your Virginity episode. okay And it just shows him off screen. He's like, oh, I want to make love to you.
00:31:31
Speaker
thank you, a quote, sex, you little 18-year-old. The screenshot on IMDb for the episode was just Fat Schmidt. ah So I was like, well, that doesn't help. Yeah, yeah. Oh, because he uses all that lube. And he showed up in the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. as FDR.
00:31:46
Speaker
yeah In a later one, so probably when they're obviously... Fucking Dr. Reeds. Dr. Richards. FDR. Fuck f Richards. Fuck Dr. Richards. But yeah, and he's a good, he's good in this.
00:31:57
Speaker
Yeah, nobody here lacking. Yeah. no one's No one's winning an Oscar, but I don't think anyone here should be winning a Razzie. No. for a For a Roger Corman movie, which is hire the cheapest people you can, hire theater people, hire unknown actors, hire people who's their first movie, et cetera, et cetera. The jeweler's definitely a theater actor.
00:32:14
Speaker
Oh, he's got to be. Because his IMDb is nothing before we were born, really. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so is um Alicia alicia your Masters. ah the The blind. I was trying to think of a really woke way to say blind right now for no good reason. The sight unimpaired. The person who is without the ability to look upon things and know what color they are. Unsightly. Unsightly. It's like unho...
00:32:39
Speaker
I guess that's why they don't say unsighted. It's like the unhomed, right? Yeah. The out of homes. Unsighted sounds like unsightly, and that's not nice. So blind is the better the better way to say it. Yeah. But yeah, he's giving them a lecture about space and time, and what were you saying? Oh, and Reed and Vaughn are like arguing over equations on their plan something. It's the designs for this machine that looks like an evil machine.
00:33:03
Speaker
Yes. Yep, it's got the curves of an evil machine. It looks like it's made in Mordor. Yeah. Yeah. I like that they're passing these notes back and forth like they're changing stuff but it's the same shot over and over there's nothing being changed it's handed to Reed he writes some shit he hands it back to Victor he gets handed back to him he writes the same shit he hands it back is Victor just erasing going no no no what I said that's exactly that's exactly what happened this is
Fantastic Four 1994 Plot Overview
00:33:29
Speaker
the nerdiest clap back you'll ever get here I think this fixes it that fixes it bitch try again it's exactly what happens because that's what they're arguing about
00:33:38
Speaker
Yeah, because he says you can't compensate for the Gleep Glorps and the Bibbly Bops. Yeah. He's like, no, you have to ah Let me just do my calculations. Yep. Says you're a bitch.
00:33:51
Speaker
But the whole thing is there's this star or comet or something called Colossus. Yeah. That's going to be visible by the naked by the human eye. And they want to harness the energy of tomorrow from it. That's what Victor says. We'll harness the energy of tomorrow. what a great you're ah You're a fucking salesperson. Like you're a snake oil salesman.
00:34:12
Speaker
This is the product of tomorrow. i think Reed actually wants to harvest it. And I'm pretty sure Victor does change it to his equation. Which is what fucks everything. Guaranteed.
00:34:23
Speaker
Because even when they get there, Reed's like, I don't think that you use my equation. like they did I did. Shut up. Shut Shut like like don't Don't worry about it. where We're going. I use your equations. Wink. I didn't use his equations.
00:34:34
Speaker
And guess what? You died, motherfucker. Allegedly. but yeah, so we we meanwhile flash over to Ben Grimm with young Sue Storm and young Johnny Storm.
00:34:45
Speaker
And I was concerned. And young Sue Storm, as my wife pointed out while we were watching, but I didn't realize it. So here's her credit. Yay, thank you. Is played by Mercedes McNabb, who was on Buffy. She was Harmony.
00:35:00
Speaker
yeah She's kind of annoying, but she's become a pretty main character. One of the fake girls on Buffy, but then on Angel. angel Yeah, she's one of the vampires. What's her name? Const.
00:35:12
Speaker
charisma Charisma Carpenter, whatever her fucking character's name is, it's one of her friends. And then she becomes a vampire later on. I picked her out from Adam's Family Values. Yeah, Adam's Family. One chick, lot of teeth.
00:35:23
Speaker
Oh, yeah. no like a adams She's also in the Adams Family, but a different character. Really? Yeah. IMDB has her the Adams Family as Girl Scout. Oh, that's right. And then Adams Family Values as Amanda.
00:35:36
Speaker
It's probably the same character, just they didn't give her... didn't have a name in that first script. because it's when It's been so long since I watched those. and every everyone Every year for the second one.
00:35:48
Speaker
She goes to the camp. and With a young David Krumholtz. Ben Grimm is played by a welcome back, which I was very surprised to find because this is a movie that doesn't exist. I expected zero welcome backs. Michael Bailey Smith, who was on our episode on Whatever It Takes, which was a year and a half ago, two Novembers ago. was our first November. And we still remembered him with that big giant Joker smile. Because it's fucking great movie, first of all. I don't remember whatever it takes. It had Dice, Dragon, and Hammer. Oh, that's what that went. Dice, Dragon, and Hammer, dude. I just didn't remember the name.
00:36:23
Speaker
it's like It's like Five Hands from Andor. Dice, Dragon, Hammer. Lizard's fuck. Fuck. But yeah, he he played Kevin Thompson on that. He was he was the Dragon's like guy that got him into the Hammers gang there. he was a rassler, too. He plays Super Freddy in Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5. Makes sense.
00:36:44
Speaker
And he's in both of the hills have eyes like the Hills Have Eyes reboot and the sequel, but two different characters. And the first one, he's Pluto, who I believe is the leader of the the hill people. Leader right the pack. Leader pack.
00:36:55
Speaker
and And the second one, he's Papa Hades, who sounds like he's still leader of Hill People. Yeah, he got an upgrade. um Now, when you say the remake, the Rob Zombie? Rob Zombie didn't do it, but it was a night it was a oh an Ots remake.
00:37:09
Speaker
Oh. It was not Rob Zombie. But they took the really uncomfortable rape scene from the original Hills Have Eyes and made it longer, so it was more uncomfortable. How do we make this worse? Keep showing it. Excellent. Excellent.
00:37:20
Speaker
yeah Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep. That one also doesn't have that cool ass dude from Voyage of the Rock Aliens in it like the original did. The tall guy with the face whose name I can't recall right now. Yeah. Tall guy with the face, sir. I know he has no hair or fingernails or sweat glands or something like that.
00:37:37
Speaker
He was the chainsaw guy in Voyage the Rock Aliens. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes. That guy. I love that guy. Michael Berryman. Michael Berryman. How do you forget a name like Michael? Oh, so Michael Berryman was Pluto. So this guy is playing Michael Berryman in the Ots remake. Oh, interesting. yeah Downgrade.
00:37:54
Speaker
It is. Not his fault. But so the we just that's just basically introducing them. We are introduced to the fact that Sue Storm is attracted to older men. That's important for the story. Yeah, why is she into Ben?
00:38:06
Speaker
she He's dreamy. Do you see her dad? Nope. Yep. Asked answered But like she's not still into Ben No because they grew up and with She grew up with him so that's weird now She didn't grow up with Reed That's her father figure yeah so great She didn't meet Reed until she was 10 or 11 Those great temples My god Doing it for me I mean it didn't hurt didn't hurt handsome i like it not He's not ugly i like his great He's more handsome than that fucking Welshman that played him in those 2000s ones.
00:38:41
Speaker
All right, stay off the Welsh here. Way better than that Reed. He's also more handsome than, ah who's that shit kid? ah The one that's in Top top Gun Maverick and Whiplash. Oh, no, are not talking about Miles Teller. Miles Teller.
00:38:54
Speaker
He's the one who played Reed Richards in the the reboot. Gotcha. This guy's more handsome than Miles Teller.
00:39:01
Speaker
Miles Teller just bugs me. I love Miles Teller. You can suck my dick.
00:39:07
Speaker
Meanwhile, Reed and Victor are doing their experiment. There's too much energy, something, something. They get blasted with force lightning or Victor gets blasted with force lightning. And Reed runs them to the hospital. And there's this definitely not not not a secret bad guy. The second you see this guy. Super Russian fucking...
00:39:28
Speaker
Sorry, Latvian. We are going to take the body downstairs to the morgue. I am sorry. He is dead. We are going could to take him to morgue and put him in cold ice. He is dead. When I put my finger in his mouth, he does not even gag. Watch. I am putting finger really deep in mouth and he does not care. Look. Oh, look at that. It's all the way down there.
00:39:44
Speaker
When I touch pee-pee, he does not flinch. Watch. Doctor, how do I know that you're not evil? I have ponytail. Look at my ponytail. Look at back tattoo. I was not in Russian prison. I modeled by look after Steven Seagal. What's wrong with that? This guy. i Just asking.
00:39:59
Speaker
I can't picture him. Okay. So this, the person, this Russian doctor person um reminds me of the bad guy from Ghost. The one that I think it's the one that teaches him to move the the penny or the can. Oh, yeah. We've had him before. Yeah. He's just like a really good, tall, sunken eye, skinny, long face guy.
00:40:22
Speaker
so I think. Yeah. Because this is one of those where I went through the credits before we watched to see if there was people I recognized. So, Trigoran, that sounds like it's probably his name, right? Trigoran? yeah.
00:40:34
Speaker
That's Russian-ish yeah name. He looks like a Trigoran, I'm not going lie. Played by a guy named David Keith Miller. That sounds like a name I've heard. It sounds like a name, but it's not. You're thinking of Keith David.
00:40:45
Speaker
Keith David Miller. i yeah I did take it out for air. That's the best one. He was in nothing. I've not seen that. He also wrote nothing. he's it He's mostly a writer, but there are also things you haven't seen.
00:41:02
Speaker
So he's nobody. His name is David Keith Miller. Keith David, whatever I said. David Keith Miller. as It's like the guy is acting like a good doctor. He's like, oh, he is dead. I am sorry. We take him to work now. until yeah And then as soon as he steps in the elevator, he's like... I did the finger in the mouth thing to prove I'm a good doctor.
00:41:20
Speaker
He just starts like he's it's like, his face turns dark and he starts like looking up like Jack Nicholson style. I wish these doors were closed right now. Very embarrassing. You all heard my evil laugh. These doors take too long to close. I should not have laughed yet. Get your finger off the door open button and put it on close. Oh, shit, we did not pull gurney all the way in. ah My bad.
00:41:41
Speaker
Forget that evil laugh. That was funny thing I heard earlier. joke he said. I remember a joke that he told me earlier. it's It's about blonde and Polish. I don't worry. Don't worry. It's a whole thing about getting a blonde out of a tree with a one-armed Polish man.
00:41:55
Speaker
You wouldn't get it. Damn. It's a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. it's Don't worry about it. That was my how do you drown a blonde what joke when I was like six.
00:42:07
Speaker
The blonde, she swim she went to swim from America to England. She got halfway there, got tired, turned her back, and came back around where she was starting from. Is this thing on? Oh, what a terrific audience.
00:42:19
Speaker
Wow. Wow. Wow. What a terrific audience. So then we have a time jump. You know it's a time jump because now Reed Richards has gray in his temples. Oh, yeah. It's been at least five months.
00:42:31
Speaker
Yeah. So are they saying he's had a stepdaughter for at least a year? Are they saying 10 years or 20 years past? Like, I would say probably 10. I was she was probably 13 or 14. So now she's.
00:42:43
Speaker
Yeah. So I'd say five to six. She's 18, 19. He's 40. he's forty Weird. He was in college at 34. I wouldn't worry about No, I guess if he was 20 then he was in college, it could be 10 years. Maybe he wasn't supposed to be that old. doctorate thing, though. So he had already done his four years of college. Yeah, he did it early. He was his years med school. Well, hold on. Maybe he got done in less than four years. He graduated high school at 14. He's one of the top three smartest in the MCU.
00:43:11
Speaker
So he's Doogie Howser. Yes. Yep. Okay. Okay. He is one of the smartest people in the in the Marvel universe, at least. He doesn't exist in the MCU. Sorry, I didn't mean to be correct.
00:43:23
Speaker
He's about to. mean, he does, but he got killed. It was John Krasinski, and that motherfucker got unraveled. Oh, yeah. That was some fan service, but was good. Now Ben Grimm and Reed Richards are partners ah This is a little different read Ben Grimm is kind of smart in this He's not dumb in the comics But he's not a smart guy He was a football playing jock pilot Yeah he was a friend of Reed Richards Best of the best sir yeah So in this he's not scientist smart genius But he's smart yeah In this he's a scientist Well I think Reed figures all this shit out And he just goes yep He's a great he's a great hype man
00:44:01
Speaker
All right, I did the calculations. Yeah, boy. Yeah, boy, Benny Grimm. Benny Grimm. here yeah They're planning this space mission because Colossus is coming back around, whatever it is, or maybe.
00:44:17
Speaker
It's Halley's Comet, except instead of killing people. Except for it comes around every 10 years or whatever. You'll never see this again unless you wait 10 more years. okay so None of you are going to live 10 years. The red threat's dingling over our heads. let's Watch out. We got the threat coming. Dingling with dingling. I meant to say ding-a-ling, but I said ding-a-ling. No, back then we said ding-a-ling. kind of thing we said we get the big red scar You don't know what you're going to say. you scared of the Russians.
00:44:37
Speaker
you don't have time to talk correctly. You've got to get on your your desk and i a assume the position, you know, case they bomb us. There's no Z in brassiere. There's no Z in brassiere. But they go to get their other pilots.
00:44:50
Speaker
So he goes back to the Storm House. And this, it was one of the funniest things. I think, Whitney, you had gotten House sounds like a dope-ass club. Yeah, it does. They knock on the door. Ben is like, hi, Mrs. Storm. Can Johnny and Sue go to space with us?
00:45:03
Speaker
Oh, you'll have to ask them. wow. I think that's when I was getting a quick whip. It was as subtle as a sexy ham. I'm bringing that.
00:45:15
Speaker
I'm bringing sexy ham back. So now we've got adult Johnny Storm and Susan Storm. Johnny, played by Jay Underwood. Who was Bug in Uncle Buck. That's all you need to say.
00:45:26
Speaker
And he was in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane with Andrew Dice Clay. We got to tie him back to his buddy Ben Grimm here. Stopped in Uncle Buck. We're going to talk about that movie one day. Uncle Buck? No, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.
00:45:38
Speaker
Yeah, we will. What do we do an episode of Uncle Buck? So we just sit around and go, that pancake is huge. You should see the toast. It couldn't even fit through the door.
00:45:48
Speaker
And then Susan Storm, played by another welcome back, Rebecca Staub, who we previously was pronouncing Stab. Yes, we were pronouncing a Stab because it's funnier, especially in the context of the movie. Yeah. She was in The Substitute 3, which we did for Trick or Treat Williams, which was our first October. So these guys are all going back to year one. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
00:46:08
Speaker
Um, she was, day she was treat Williams friend's daughter. The guy who got killed at the beginning of substitute three and the, the prison break there. The one that he gives the metal to. yeah And he's like, Oh, give this to my daughter. This was Rebecca Stobb who also, this is the ghost of the dead dad. When I said, give this to my daughter. I wasn't talking about that.
00:46:28
Speaker
Give it to my daughter. Hey, well he died. I'm assuming he meant my penis. yeah because we I think we were making jokes about how it was like it's very obviously like a love story, love interest story, but they didn't treat it that way because his friend's daughter and Treat Williams is just too noble. The actor was like, I'm not going to fuck my dead friend's daughter, dude.
00:46:46
Speaker
Yeah. I wouldn't do that because I'm Treat Williams. Treat Williams was a fucking angel. I'm a fucking king. Rewrite it. ah You know Don't rewrite it. I'll just improvise. I just won't act it. Yeah.
00:46:57
Speaker
She's also in all three of Jack's favorite TV shows. ah Renegade, Cheers, and Seinfeld It's the holy trinity of television i could It blew my fucking mind going through her credits I was like, oh, Cheers, okay, cool I know the episode of Cheers, I'm wondering She's not British, is she?
00:47:14
Speaker
No no okay So Renegade, i think it's one you've gotten to at least It's season 2, episode 7 She's Cat Calhoun Okay, I know exactly who she is She is the sister of the guy that ended up framing ah what's the Hound is one of them It doesn't matter.
00:47:33
Speaker
Tune in for Jack's Renegade cast coming one day. Yeah, we're getting that off the ground here soon. If we get 100 patrons, then we can do that. Well, ah bleep Bleep has his own production equipment. yeah He's talking about doing his own thing. We still don't have it named yet.
00:47:49
Speaker
It was going to be the Renegade Boys.
00:47:53
Speaker
Renegade marriage.
00:47:57
Speaker
The renegades are out to get us Just call it renegade. Renegade. She was in Cheers season 10. Yes. Motherly love. Debbie.
00:48:07
Speaker
And I'm wondering if she's just one of the Bettys. Yeah. Just one of Sam's girls. Because that that starts with, I bet she's one of the waitresses. It starts with him banging waitresses so much they have to leave.
00:48:19
Speaker
And Carla's like, if you bang one more ra' waitress and she quits, I'll cut off your manhood kind of situation. Okay. And then in Seinfeld, season six, episode three as Kristen.
00:48:30
Speaker
She could be the really like overly perfect one that Jerry's dating. You can't sleep with someone that you respect. And Seinfeld? I just love like that I can say, and you're like, okay, so it's probably. I'm guessing, but I can see it in my head. This fucking catalog memory over here. He's got a decimal system going on in his brain. Not for anything important, though.
00:48:54
Speaker
It's not for like- I beg to differ. I should be like Reed Richards, but all of my information exists worlds that don't actually exist. Pop culture information. Pop culture and Star Wars Oblivion and Lord the Rings. Purely from 1993. But as they're getting ready to leave for their space mission, Sue turns around she's like, we're the Fantastic
Origin of the Fantastic Four Name
00:49:15
Speaker
Four. And they all pose. No, the mom says that to them. Mom says it. Oh, is it her? She's like, turn around. They all have a pose. Turn around?
00:49:22
Speaker
You really are the Fantastic Four. Did you hear that? I said it. I said the Fantastic Four. And that's when I was coming in and I was like, did anything, did I miss The Happening?
00:49:34
Speaker
No. The Happening. The Happening. Nobody missed The Happening. Don't worry. Oh, my God. Do you not love that movie? Yeah, don't change the dial on that that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It's a great comedy. Hilarious. But it was not intended to be a comedy. Oh, really?
00:49:47
Speaker
Yeah. Shame. Oh, bro. Fucking plants are out to get us. We better leave it alone. Why don't you sit down for some plant therapy? Look, she took her glasses off and I can't recognize her anymore. Where'd she go? Then we're also introduced to the jeweler, who is the villain that's not Dr. Doom, ahhu who is supposed to be man. Which is the mly what I said. it was the mole man in production.
00:50:11
Speaker
And then they were like, wait, what? We don't have the rights to the mole man? Whoops. Which is kind of weird because like... Part of the reason that Fox or Disney could never use Galactus or any of the things were like, there are heroes and villains that are tied to certain properties. Right.
00:50:28
Speaker
So like, that's why Sony can make all their like Morbius and Craven and all this shit without having Spider-Man because they did that deal with ah Disney to have Spider-Man, but they own all the Spider-Man villains and and ancillary characters.
00:50:41
Speaker
And was it? Fox had quick silver. In one of those X-Men movies. And then Marvel also used Quicksilver because he belonged to the Avengers.
00:50:52
Speaker
For Scarlet Witch. Property. But he yeah also belonged to the X-Men property. X-Men did it better, by the way. I did like the X-Men Quicksilver. Well, I like Ethan.
00:51:02
Speaker
I'm not even talking about actor to actor because both actors are fine. Probably like they just Fox handled their their scenes better. Well, he had like scenes. Yeah. There you go. And we have Alicia Masters, who's played by Kat Green, who is a nothing that I recognize, who, if you're a Fantastic Four fan, you know, is Ben Grimm's blind wife because only a blind woman could love a monster like that.
00:51:27
Speaker
I don't know, man. I feel like the texture just still be like, whoa, whoa. Like, it's supposed to be a sweet thing. Like, she's blind, so she can't see his, like, disfigured thing, whatever. And she just loves his personality or whatever.
00:51:38
Speaker
But it's also just really fucking cruel. Yeah. It's like, only only a blind woman could love you. Well, yeah. Even from the beginning, though, because we meet her here when he's not a rock man yet. And he, like... ah He like shoves her off the stairs. yeah He's rushing up and she's clearly with her cane holding a statue trying to get down this staircase. Watch where you're No, no. It wasn't your blind. It was watch where you're... o You're kind of hot.
00:52:05
Speaker
oh well I think that's when he saw the the walking stick. So he goes and like helps her pick up her statue and whatnot, and she rubs his face, and she's like, yeah, I'd sit on it. Oh, yeah.
00:52:16
Speaker
I felt that mouth. I like that Joker smile. i got Yeah, that' that's good. i' Your lips would go from lip to lip.
00:52:24
Speaker
Eat me like the taco that I am. From cooter to pooter.
00:52:30
Speaker
So it's like their little meet cute. That's all that really matters here. And like I said, we saw the jeweler. He's just kind of casing the joint. he's He's still just the mole man. He lives in the sewers. He has sewer people.
00:52:41
Speaker
Like, he's the mole man. Yeah. For all intents and purposes. They just put a ah jeweler's lens thing on him. and Had people call him the jeweler. That's it, yeah. Because he even has like his own little group of Morlocks.
00:52:52
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. um So the Fantastic Four has their little... They have this giant diamond. That they need to run their ship? I thought it was a pile of cocaine. and Somebody got wet. They needed to harvest Colossum.
00:53:08
Speaker
Colossal. Well, because without that, their laser thing will overheat or whatever. It's very important. Something, something, science. So then they set up this laser grid that has... um Mole man size holes in between each laser perfectly sized. And luckily they're also low to the ground because he's got short legs because then he comes to break in and just like steps over it.
00:53:30
Speaker
Like it's not even like ah more of it's not ants it's not even like no, because it's not like Jay and Silent Bob strike back. where Eliza Dushku is doing like the flips and shit to get through it. like This guy is just like, and I kind of step over. It's like me trying to get into the recording area after we put all the cables What did you want? Did you want Catherine Zeta-Jones entrapment style butt sticking out of the laser with this guy? I think your example's better.
00:53:54
Speaker
i was thinking Eliza Dushku in James Silent Bob Strike Back. i don't know what to tell you. um ja Is that what you wanted from him? Yeah. What's he like arching his ass and Sean Carnac? Ooh, look at that Jewish ass.
00:54:05
Speaker
Yeah. That's what looking for. I'd watch it. ah Well, you can't. Your Ash was named after the dog?
00:54:14
Speaker
What kind of films do you like? Indy! He breaks in to steal the diamond. ah Dr. Doom has his, the Russian doctor guy is there working for him along with some other guy. They're doing the world's worst like knockoff of the Blues Brothers outside this facility.
00:54:29
Speaker
we We're on a mission from God. Look at this cop car. It's got cop shocks, cop radio, cop engine, cop turning, cop suspension. Oh, is that is that Kerry Fisher over there? Oh boy, I hate Illinois Nazis.
00:54:42
Speaker
Ha ha ha ha ha. And like they're watching him steal it, and Dr. Doom's like, hey, cool, he stole it for us. I only wanted you guys to steal this giant diamond that's definitely worth billions of dollars yeah because this thing is the size of an infant.
00:54:55
Speaker
Yeah, I only wanted you to steal it so that Reed Richards couldn't get to the Colossus entity. I don't want the money from it. you know what they should have done? Just a quick tangent. Not really a tangent. It's really the movie.
00:55:07
Speaker
Colossus, whatever the star is, if they're not going to do it in the movie, just call it Galactus. Yeah. We didn't see anyway. Better than the version we got in Rise of Silver Surfer where it's just a space fart. Just space fart, dude.
00:55:19
Speaker
It's like somebody put baby powder in their butt and then farted. They put baby powder mercury in their ass and then farted a silver cloud. Thank you, no. You remember? Yeah. She does not.
00:55:31
Speaker
Yes. Actually, that one's that's the one that scarred her. She's like, I do remember it. It's the only fucking movie we've ever watched this podcast that I remember. She's like, that's the episode where i decided I didn't want to be on this podcast anymore. and I'm like, well, that was episode five, so.
00:55:44
Speaker
Yeah, you never took her key away. You're fired. I often think about divorcing you over that movie. I wouldn't blame you either. They would be in court and they'd be like, so what are the grounds for divorce? You'd be like, you made me watch ah Fantastic Four Rise the Silver Surfer.
00:55:58
Speaker
Let's not really, great and then talk about it for two hours. ah Your Honor, my my my client here was forced to watch the movie. That's not that bad. And then she was forced to relive her experience on a microphone in front of people.
00:56:12
Speaker
and relive her pain. It's basically just like, Trauma porn is what's going on. It is trauma dump for the masses. And now it just lives out there for everybody to listen to. Not everybody. You got to pay three bucks You have be patron.
00:56:27
Speaker
So now you're making money off of my trauma. Yeah, you have to be a patron. Patreon.com slash worst people. become a patron? Patreon.com slash worst people. Making money off of your pain. $3 a month. Ow! Making money off your pain is art.
00:56:38
Speaker
You get our first 10 episodes plus the last episode of ah Under Siege, which was the first schlock and load we ever did. It was me and Jack and Ben. Yep. That's all on there.
00:56:50
Speaker
Go get it. Get some. Ready, go. So, Doctor Doom has a line, basically, he's like, now no one will reach Colossus before me, and they will die in space.
00:57:01
Speaker
Ha! Fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers. fingers This video would be beneficial. We just do the whole podcast like this. I'm glad we watched this together, but I want i wouldn't like watching it. i was like, i should just run home and record remote because it's so good.
00:57:15
Speaker
I want to just do the finger thing the whole time while talking to you guys. Yeah, so if you guys don't know, because you probably don't, because you didn't want to watch a movie on YouTube, Dr. Doom is just diddling his fingers the whole fucking time. Every time he talks, it's just moving fingers. He even, like, draws... Oh, I'll get there later, but he literally spells shit out with his hands. Well, guess the actor...
00:57:39
Speaker
He figured he can't use his face, so he's using his Well, and he didn't think they were go to use his voice either. So he was like, well, his voice. He did, but they were they didn't ever get to go back and re-loop it. Exactly. There's going to be a re-recorded version of his voice.
00:57:52
Speaker
So he's like, well, this is just me doing finger work since you can't use see anything else of mine. Yeah. So they go to space.
Spaceship Crash and Power Discovery
00:58:00
Speaker
You can give me some finger work. They go to space. They get to whatever the Colossus is.
00:58:05
Speaker
There's a malfunction. There's a big bada boom. The ship blows up in space. Somehow they land in the Southern California desert. Yeah. And the plane is in pieces, but not obliterated like it would be from falling from space. Reed Richards says the ship is in 100 pieces. I'm like, that would be in at least 2 million pieces. We would have dust.
00:58:25
Speaker
Yeah. Reed Richards and chair would cease to exist as separate entities and be dust on the California i'm chairman. I'm chairman. Yeah. They call me chairman of the board because I will bore you.
00:58:39
Speaker
no. Colossus helped. It was just funny. It's just like that. I thought it was a burning wheelchair. I was like, did they hit somebody in a wheelchair? Yeah. Just some poor kid that has no use of his legs. Corey Haynes. Yeah. From Silver Bullet. He was out for a nice desert stroll.
00:58:57
Speaker
With his uncle Gary Busey souping up his wheelchair for no good reason. Strapping a jet motor to a kid's wheelchair. Love that movie, though. um Yeah, we'll talk about that. Sounds like I'm talking shit, but I'm not.
00:59:10
Speaker
No, it's great. That's an awesome movie. um so they' Probably some of the best Busey. They start discovering their powers. ah Johnny sneezes because he has dust in his nose.
00:59:20
Speaker
And Fireball comes out of his nose. Would have been better if he farted. Oh, shit. ah Sue is like hey guys I'm here and they're like we can't see you and her top half appears Lieutenant Sue you ain't got no legs yeah she's like they're like look down and she's like what and then she sees no legs then she loses her balance and starts to fall almost fucking final destinations her head through this fucking yeah metal spike and that's when Reed's arm stretches and you know what The stretching in this.
00:59:48
Speaker
Not bad. going to say it again. Thousand better. It looks so much better than that 2005 show. I'm not going to say it a thousand times better. I'm just going to say it looks better. No. When's the last time you watched either of those movies? a while ago. Two years ago? When we I didn't do it. He wasn't here for that. I wasn't on the podcast. I was waiting. That looks like vomit garbage. It is disgusting. pissed Derek off every time it happened. He's like, fuck It is such bad CG. So imagine...
01:00:14
Speaker
our Catwoman episode with Halle Berry's cartoon running around. Yeah. or Spider-Man with the Spider-Man cartoon running around, except for it's just the man's arm. Okay. I mean, I'll watch it. it's It's Garbo. I'll watch it probably tonight just for fun.
01:00:27
Speaker
Oh, God. For my own episode. Do you hate yourself? Yeah. Oh, you should do that. We still haven't found out about Ben Grimm's transformation yet. He's like, man, all these guys are freaks now. Sucks for them.
01:00:40
Speaker
So they walk off into the sunset there. He's like, I came out of that pretty good. it's like, I wonder of what's going to happen to me. ah The jeweler. He looks down his pants. I am rock hard.
01:00:51
Speaker
yeah The jeweler and his guys go and ah kidnap Alicia. Well, the jeweler's guy is Abe Lincoln and friends. The jeweler's sidekick is just a low budget Abe Lincoln. and He's the Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter that lost. yes And he himself is fighting off the vampiric disease. he he is ah He is an eighth grader playing Abe Lincoln in a play at school. After the assassination.
01:01:15
Speaker
Yes. But they go kidnap her because while the jeweler was going to steal the diamond, he saw her and he's like, I'll be back for you, my pretty. I love that. She can't see how ugly I am. Yeah, because she's doing her sculpting shit and she looks up right at him but doesn't see him. So she's he's like, oh, she's blind.
01:01:31
Speaker
That means she'll fuck me. Hell oh yeah. Or he was like, oh, she didn't scream. She loves me. Yeah, she's looking right at me and doesn't think this is unattractive.
Doom's Villainous Plans
01:01:41
Speaker
Dope. The military supposedly arrives. Uh-huh.
01:01:45
Speaker
but we learn later this is we are here to take you back who's military exactly this the latvian military loveva ah vo dom so they they come and they they take these guys away that's when uh ben turns into the thing who is played by another actor um you're kidding well it it doesn't really make sense like ah this guy Michael Bailey Smith or whatever his name was the Kevin Thompson there from whatever it takes he's a big buff dude just put the costume on him it makes sense they already had this animatronic from this is a refurbished animatronic from another movie yeah and this dude wouldn't fit into it this is Ninja Turtle no they they made the costume like ah on the doomed documentary they talk about it because this guy um Carl Carfialo charfiallo but he's from Casino his head is in a vice
01:02:37
Speaker
Yeah, he's in a bunch of shit. Yeah, he's the guy from Casino that gets his head put in a vice by Joe Pesci. ah He's in a movie with Cynthia Rothrock called Mercenaries. no He's in RoboCop 2, Death Wish 4, Freejack, number one with a bullet. So he's like a guy.
01:02:52
Speaker
He also has 140 plus stunt credits, so he's he's a stuntman. He even said in the documentary, he's like, I got hired and I showed up and I found out they'd already or I was told to come do this job.
01:03:03
Speaker
And I showed up and they already had stuntmen. And I was like, what the fuck, dude? Yeah. What am I supposed to do? That's my thing. I'm a stuntman. He was hired to play the thing. stuntman. But he's actually slightly smaller than the guy of playing Ben. Yeah, he is. the one time that Ben transforms back into or the thing transforms back into Ben, he kids ah He gets taller but skinnier. It's weird. Yeah, it's a weird look.
01:03:27
Speaker
um But yeah, he comes out and he's like, why is everybody looking at me weird? And he looks in his pants and he's like, oh, no. yeah, because ah the the army, quote unquote, you didn't see my quote.
01:03:37
Speaker
The camera's right over there and i keep looking at it. The army that comes to save them or whatever. draws their guns. They're like, what the fuck is that? It's a monster! They would lit him up.
01:03:51
Speaker
yeah Well, then we find out later on. they're not American. We find out later on that they work for a monster. so true True on both accounts. Yeah. So then all of our heroes have to meet with this doctor.
01:04:03
Speaker
who's this little Weasley dude. And it's funny because he starts with the thing. I'm going to your blood. Yeah, he starts the thing like, I need to draw your blood, but don't know how I'm going to and And the thing is just like, it's really not that funny. i It's actually very traumatic experience. What's your favorite type of music? Rock and roll? You know I could kill you, right?
01:04:22
Speaker
You know i could crush your head with just my pinky finger and my thumb. squash you. they're trying to take my blood and the next one is Johnny Storm and he's like show me what your whatever your power is whatever and he's like I don't know I just concentrate on a part of my body whatever and then it's just like flame on and his hand lights on fire and he's like oh found the magic word and but my favorite one is when he gets to Sue because he's like um you don't like break things or catch on fire, right?
01:04:52
Speaker
And like more disheveled as he's going on. Like swear he's got like singe marks on the left side of his face. which I wanted more of it. I wanted his collar all parched up. Right?
01:05:05
Speaker
have his head Have his hair gone. Just burnt off. I would like that. I would like that a lot. Thank you. but like She turns invisible and like goes behind him and that freaks him out. And then he gets to read, which is another great one. because He's just like, you know what?
01:05:17
Speaker
Take your own fucking blood. How about that? And he then stretches out for it. And the guy's like, i I'm going to go. You know what? I'm to shit myself. I'll be back. I'm going to prescribe myself a bunch of meds right now.
01:05:29
Speaker
Can we still get lithium? But we find out that he's actually working for Dr. Doom. This isn't an American military facility. It's a Dr. Doomitary facility. Welcome to the Doomatory. You can all find somewhere to sleep.
01:05:44
Speaker
Welcome to the Doomatory. You'll have to share a room with another person. There's a bathroom down the hall that you all share together. Don't forget to play pay for Doom and board.
01:05:57
Speaker
Each floor has ah ah d a DA. do If you're hungry, go check the Doomwaiter. We send food up every now and then. But basically the thing here is Doom is like, what if we took all their powers and gave them to one man?
01:06:15
Speaker
the guy's like, well, that would be crazy. And he's like, would it? finger your finger your Fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers. He does have his both hands wrapped around this doctor's throat at point. Yeah, dude don't call a fucking megalomaniac that's come back from death crazy while he has your his hands around your throat.
01:06:30
Speaker
Well, he'd be the most powerful man in the world. and you Read a fucking comic book, folks. This has happened. The Super Skrull had the powers of all four. It was published in 1964.
01:06:43
Speaker
It was probably like the 70s. Probably. I'm not sure. I know him from the early aughts when I was reading the cosmic shit. The Super Skrull has the powers of all fours ah fantastic fours. Oh, I thought you were doing like a Star Wars thing when you said it's the Super Skrull. Or no that you get the Super Skrull. Not Skrull.
01:07:00
Speaker
Skrull. With a U. Those green guys from Secret Invasion. Ben Mendelsohn and his folks. Just imagine there imagine that, but like written well. Okay. But they can like transform into anything, and his power is that he gets all four of this fantastic force powers. Yep. So he has like, because they don't really cover it in this, but Sue doesn't just turn invisible.
01:07:18
Speaker
She does put up one barrier. Oh, she does. That's right. But it's like, she does like force fields and shit is her thing. yeah So he's got force fields, fire, stretchy do it in this Did I miss that? Yeah, she did it the very fucking end.
01:07:31
Speaker
She did a little, they like they put plexiglass on her hands, kind of glued to it, and she did that. Knock some guys out. But so now Doom is like, well, fuck.
01:07:43
Speaker
I let that jeweler guy take that diamond and now I kind of need it. Shit. So i guess we're going to have to go visit him. So he sends the Russian and his buddy. Hey, we are here for that big pile of cocaine. We want to buy the diamond, yes?
01:07:56
Speaker
It's German, i don't know. Hey, let me buy this diamond off you, bro. Hey, bro. I'm here for diamonds. Funky good time. And diamonds. I'm from Texas. I'm from Texas, you know.
01:08:08
Speaker
Riding and roping. Don't make me be a shower boy. I'm willing to pay a pretty penny for your bounty. But, like... So basically he's like, this has already been promised to my queen, Alicia. And she's tied up and screaming. and the guy's like, I don't think she wants it. She's not very happy to see you be your queen. She does not want.
01:08:25
Speaker
Do you want to put that diamond on her hand? She is going to get going to die. First time she take a bath, boom, she's dead. And then while, while that's going on, some more doctors come in this time in hazmat suits and they're like time for another blood sample, bitches.
01:08:41
Speaker
And the thing beats the fuck out of them. And this is, clearly like unfinished shit. I was clobber in time. He says it's clobber in time. And then the screen just does like the newspaper spiral.
The Thing's Costume and Team Dynamics
01:08:53
Speaker
And then all of a sudden they're out of their uniforms and the other three are in them. We didn't get a fight scene because we didn't have a fight scene. Yeah. One million dollars. Yep. I get it. And I mean, the thing's costume is good. It looks very comics accurate, honestly, for a certain era. Like they said, they went back to the ah Jack Kirby original. Yeah. His look is good.
01:09:13
Speaker
And he had two different masks. He had one that was some recognition. Yeah. Well, in that documentary. he had a rubber. He didn't get money. He had a rubber mask that was for like the fight scenes and being thrown around. Okay. And then he had another mask that, and which we see, has the animatronics inside of it. Because we see the the lips moving. and Yeah, I know. It's dope as fuck. Yeah.
01:09:34
Speaker
It's not on par with like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. but Right. But Jim Henson didn't do it. Right. It's pretty close. Ninja Turtles budget's a lot more than this. And if you know us, we will always take practical over Probably at least eight times.
01:09:46
Speaker
don't know. But it's it's not Jim Henson, though. Right. ah Even eight times his budget is still only $8 million. dollars And they find this atomic splitter thing that Dr. Doom has.
01:09:57
Speaker
He comes in, introduces himself. I am Doom. Doom. and it's like almost immediately reads just like, cool, we're going home. um And he's like, no, that's pretty fucking rude, actually. I've been pretty nice to you.
01:10:13
Speaker
I gave you a nice place to sit. No TV, no food, no windows. Creepy doctor. let a doctor see you. Creepy doctor. The doctor with a magnifying glass was touching you. One of those guys put his finger down your mouth.
01:10:27
Speaker
and then all these Oh, that was me. Never mind. And then all these doom goons come in who are just dressed like Dr. Doom without the mask. They all have green hoods and shit. The hardest part about being on this island is you all have to dress exactly alike.
01:10:40
Speaker
And we get another the second it's clobbering time and Ben goes crazy on them. It's the Fantastic Four versus the goons. ah Johnny is using his fire powers to try to melt through a wall to get them out.
01:10:54
Speaker
um But it's like it's not melting fast enough. Let me show you how to Kool-Aid man this. yeah So the thing is just like, oh, yeah, right through the other side. It's time to Cynthia Roth rock and roll. Yeah.
01:11:07
Speaker
Does it sound like a Flintstones name to you guys? Cynthia Rothrock? Yes, it does. Oh, Barn, it's my favorite action star, Cynthia Rothrock. Oh, look at that. She's kicking and punching.
01:11:18
Speaker
Oh, wait, that's just a real name.
01:11:24
Speaker
but They escape and Doom has some lines. It's something like, so my friends. Oh, you're not. Walks out of the room. I didn't catch that. Hey, my friends.
01:11:38
Speaker
ah <unk>s it's it's It's pretty dumb. I like it. I like dumb. This is when we get the conflict of Ben, the thing. How do they get home, by the way?
01:11:51
Speaker
They steal a doom jet. Sure. ah go People go back and forth to this matte painting castle. Which, by the way, is just on a cliff with no roads.
01:12:03
Speaker
Yeah. Like, this is what we get the part with Ben slash the thing talking about his inner turmoil of like, he's like, well, you guys could all look normal and live normal lives, but I'm stuck as rock man.
01:12:14
Speaker
I'm getting the fuck out of here. And ah at the same time, Sue shows up and she's like, look, I've got sweet costumes for everybody. I've got this Fantastic Four costume for me, a Fantastic Four costume for Johnny, a Fantastic Four costume for Reed and underwear for you, Ben.
01:12:29
Speaker
See, i was thinking that he did it himself. He's like, fuck that. I'm going to show off my physique. Rip this here. Rip this here. That might have been right when he is thinking that he had already left. Yeah, I think. Yeah, I think that might have been.
01:12:40
Speaker
He walked out and she's like, well, I'm not finishing this fourth one then. That's a lot of. fabric Well, he just quit the team. ah Quit the team. You don't get a costume. So he goes, he goes and meets up with the mole people and Abraham Lincoln takes him down to the sewers.
01:12:55
Speaker
cause They love it. They love a freak, especially if it looks like he can serve their purpose. Yeah, exactly. Because at first when Abraham Lincoln tells the jeweler like, hey, we've got another guy. He's like, why would I care?
01:13:06
Speaker
And then he sees him and he's like, oh, you poor soul. Yeah. You weary, weary traveler. Come rest your head upon my bosoms. You poor unfortunate soul. So sad.
01:13:17
Speaker
So true.
Jeweler's Lair Comic Relief
01:13:18
Speaker
um When the the jeweler leaves because Alicia's in his like quarters and he tells Abraham Lincoln, he's like, stay here and watch her.
01:13:29
Speaker
And he walks out and immediately Abe Lincoln goes over and starts sniffing her. And he comes back in. And this is this is just one of the funniest things in the movie. So I had to write it down because he's just like, puts up his two hands and he's like, choose one. close Close hands. It looks like maybe there's a treat in one of them. Yeah. And he's like, choose one. And the guy picks it and he just slaps him in the face. And he's like, I said, watch her.
01:13:47
Speaker
Don't smell her. but that is I liked it Got genuine laugh. What do you think the other hand would have done? Punched him. Kicked him in the dick? Tossed him off. i think it would have done the same thing. Thumb in the butt.
01:13:58
Speaker
Just a different hand. Yeah. So I am always going to choose your non-dominant hand. Whichever one you choose, I'm to slap your face. yeah Are you righty or a lefty? That's going to influence my decision. Joke's on you and both. Damn it.
01:14:08
Speaker
Slappy dexterous. I'm bisexual. I'm slappy dexterous. There's some chit chat about science stuff. And think it's Johnny who realizes he's like, Reed says, no one's ever thought about harvesting the power of the Colossus.
01:14:23
Speaker
And Johnny's like, except for you and your old friend, Victor. And Reed's just like, holy shit, Victor's alive. Even when they were escaping the facility because it's in Latvia and all the computers, he's like, somehow familiar this language. This is our secret language from college. I thought only me and Victor knew this.
01:14:41
Speaker
I thought it was just pig Latin. thought it was like a twin language.
01:14:47
Speaker
um So Doom goes to the jeweler's base. Abe Lincoln tries to protect the diamond. and And he's like, I'll give you one chance to step aside. These other two goons run out. Smart.
01:14:58
Speaker
Abe Lincoln's just like, no, I'm going to protect this diamond. See? And he just fucking shoots this dude. Oh, yeah. Because he saw Doom and his goons, the Doom goons, go through everybody else. These two ah guys are like, I'm going to live.
01:15:09
Speaker
And he's like, call me Lee Harvey Oswald and shoots Lincoln and right in the fucking head. Yeah. ah Different presidents. Yeah. John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth. Whatever. They've got three names. Sixth Zipper Tyrannus.
01:15:22
Speaker
They've got three names. What's the difference? The gun. A hundred years.
01:15:29
Speaker
Yeah, exactly 100 years and so many fucking. well Exactly. think it was like 80 years. wasn't like the 1880s. Yeah. Dr. Doob isn't good at American history. He's good at science. And he was alive during the Kennedy assassination. So he said Lee Harvey Oswald. Right. right that's what he That's what he's got. It's just what he knows. It's a frame of reference. He's like, call me Mark David Chapman.
01:15:51
Speaker
That's the guy that killed John Lennon, right? Yeah. right they Always three names, huh? Yeah. Assassins have three names. Weird. The good ones. Never trust a person with three first names.
01:16:01
Speaker
um So, yeah, he shoots him. And then the the thing shows up because Jeweler has Alicia held hostage. And he's like, let her go.
01:16:12
Speaker
I loved when the jeweler had ah has her hostage and Doom is like, he walks up he's like, dude, I'll shoot her. Doom's like, go go on. Why would I possibly care? I really will kill her.
01:16:23
Speaker
Don't let me stop you. i was like, if this is a rated R movie, Doom's like, let allow me. yeah and just pop her in the head. Yeah. Then Ben comes in and and the jeweler runs out and Victor or Doom takes Alicia hostage now. Yeah.
01:16:40
Speaker
It's like, dude, just you just passed her from one maniac to a worse maniac. Yeah, you did. Because one maniac didn't want to kill her. The other one couldn't possibly care. One is going to have sex with her against her will. The other one is going to kill her slowly. I feel like with the way the jeweler looks and acts, it would be like,
01:16:58
Speaker
It's rape time. And then he'd be like, well, this never happens to me. I and don't know. This never happens. Don't look at me in the eyes or look right at them.
01:17:11
Speaker
um So Ben Ben ends up turning She says I love you Ben Because she hears his voice which is different Yeah I did not understand that And she's like I love you And he turns back It's because somebody said Doom says Ben Grimm And she's like What?
01:17:25
Speaker
And doomed or Ben turns The thing turns back into Ben And like goes running And Doom's like Get him! They fire like four times He's like okay now stop stop Let him go ah Get him again Red light gri light Green light Mother says no Ah, Doctor Doom didn't say please. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Benny right over.
01:17:47
Speaker
ah Ring around the rock, man, with a pocket full of cock, man. Cock, man. Man. I didn't have a lot of nursery rhymes growing up. but Latvia is a very but sad place.
01:18:01
Speaker
But this, I just love like he turns back into human. Then he goes out to the streets and he's just like, I'm so angry and immediately turns back into the thing. yeah du it's It's either coming up or he passed it. It doesn't matter. But it's when Sue's like, I don't know why I've always been so shy around you. And he's like, oh, my God, you're shy. You turn invisible.
01:18:17
Speaker
Johnny's a fucking rotten pothole. Oh yeah, that's still coming up, but yeah, it doesn't matter But it explains Ben Grimm's thing Like he's angry and he's shielding himself from getting hurt That's why he's a rock man always uses brute force over his brain Even though he has a brain And Reed Richards always stretches himself so thin And that's why he's a stretchy man Oh, thank you for spelling it out for me.
01:18:40
Speaker
how um How come my ah tongue got like all the taste buds removed? Because you're a tremendous ass licker. he also we thought it would just be easier for you if you couldn't taste it. How come my face is still white, but my nose is brown? He also can't feel anything like physically, and that's because he has no emotions. Yeah. Read. Yeah. Yeah.
01:19:00
Speaker
Sorry. um So then ah Doom gives a FaceTime call to the Fantastic Four. He's like, yo, I've got a laser. New invention I'm working on. It's called a tablet. And you have 12 hours to surrender to me or I use my super laser to destroy New York City.
01:19:15
Speaker
we wa haha And this is where Whitney he was talking about him spelling shit because he's doing his like... In this one, he's not just wiggling his fingers like he has the rest of the time. yeah He's like pantomiming what's going on. He's like, I have a laser. and like does this He's got his fingers set up as the buildings. They will collapse. there's New York City and they'll fall. And of course, people can't see me. spells out 12. And then when he says, you have 12 hours. Yeah, he literally just like writes 12 on the screen. like It's ah Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction being like, don't be so square. Look, it's the church. Here's the steeple. Look inside. people. so they fly they fly off to Doom's map painting and they end up getting captured right when they get inside by some tractor beams. Because you're so dumb.
01:20:01
Speaker
Because you're so dumb for being the smartest man. at these four things that are in these exact positions. Should we stand in that exact position? This where we're supposed stand. This where we stand. It's a photo op. Those are spotlights. It's a photo op. When you walk into a room, how often do you look up?
01:20:13
Speaker
but All the time. Well, here, it's obvious. You can see the ceiling here. I'm a keen observer of life and situations. They just conveniently stand right where these little projectors are. Yeah. It's fine. It's a movie. Doom even calls him out on it. He's like, how stupid, you stood on the X. The chase is half the fun, and you ruined it for me. Yeah, you guys fucked it up. I can't even pursue you now. You just walked right into my trap like a bunch of fucking doofuses.
01:20:40
Speaker
All right, the truth is, before we got here, we had a couple of martinis. And when I say martinis, what I mean is just some grain alcohol with ice. And when I say ice, I mean a cup.
01:20:53
Speaker
And when I say a cup, I actually mean a bottle. I drank vodka from the bottle, and that's what I did. When I say martinis, I mean I put vermouth on a banana. Okay. Now we're talking. And it. Oh, boy, we're getting excited. Did you know that Reed Richards is the chemist, and you can just basically make alcohol?
01:21:10
Speaker
And I said, cool, so can Mother Nature banana fermented alcohol. Boom. Smarter than Reed Richards. I'm going to lay down for a little bit. Let me know when it's clapboard time. This is where I have in my notes about the great finger acting though.
01:21:25
Speaker
Because here's where he's really getting into it. like he's He's not pantomiming like he was in the video. He's just talking to them. And one hand is always slightly behind him and wiggling. And the other hand... Jack and I even made a joke. like I think something's wrong with my spine because I'm not doing this. His hand is just behind him wiggling his fingers while he's wiggling them. My hands are ridiculous. it's right behind me, isn't Even when he stops and he's like, follow me. And he like starts walking away.
01:21:50
Speaker
His hands are in front of him and he's just going he's just doing the church and steeple thing right in front of him. I think this is why I'm doing his voice because it's like it makes me think it could be Vincent Price doing it. Yes. I'm going to blow up New York. Tweedly-diddly, look at my hand behind me. Vincent Price and Roger Corman were great friends.
01:22:07
Speaker
We missed out on a class opportunity of Vincent Price being Dr. I'm afraid the shields are quite operational. um That would have been amazing. That have been great. Vincent Price would have they would have had to cast two people for Doom.
01:22:21
Speaker
Nah, he would have put on the metal mask. Oh yeah, he's a trooper. He wouldn't have been the child in college. Yeah, they just backwards hat on him. Yeah, backwards hat, black hair dye, give him necklace and some sudden and some shades. i've I've never seen whichever Saw movie that is.
01:22:35
Speaker
But there's the famous picture of Tobin Bell with the backwards hat. Multiple people have shown me that. And I'm pretty sure it's just supposed to be a flashback to he's like, I'm a young person now. I have a backwards hat. Yeah, it's back when his wife was still alive. So he was still an old guy. Anybody else still listen to Jeezy still?
01:22:50
Speaker
Jeezy, am I right? Jeezy. ah You make him say, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Anybody else? Hello, Carrie Elwiz. Would you like to play a game? Make him say what now?
01:23:01
Speaker
As you wish. ah Oh, good times. So Reed, when they're in their tractor beams, says something like, oh, Victor, you want Colossus? And he's like, Victor.
01:23:15
Speaker
That's an old name. That's a name from my past. That's a name I haven't heard in quite some time. Hello there.
01:23:26
Speaker
ah So Reed does a stretchy leg and kicks this fucking laser projector. Yep. Question mark. they're getting They're getting their powers drained This is what i feel like my legs do when I'm stretching in the morning because I'm always kicking shit off my nightstand. I'm like, I'm not that long.
01:23:39
Speaker
but Also, are you upside down? It depends on the day. They bend in the middle of your calf. ah huh that that This was the most disturbing one because it doesn't like, like his arm stretching out is always just like a straight stretch. yeah This was like his leg and then like in the middle of his calf it just goes and bends and I'm like, there's no joint there. Stop doing that. I don't like that.
01:24:00
Speaker
He's a rubber guy. It's rubber. I understand. It's just unnerving.
01:24:06
Speaker
That's what he calls it I'm unnerving my leg So they escape, they fight these goons The Doom goons Johnny Storm is shooting a fireball But they use the same shot over and over He shoots a fireball at one of guys and it hits a wall And then later on they use the exact same shot Of the fireball hitting the wall And then the exact same shot of the fireball hitting wall One million dollar budget And this is right when we get Sue Richards doing it She's had a couple of great kills Sorry, she's Sue Storm at this point Oh, so sorry.
01:24:35
Speaker
Oh, your honor, would deck my statement. ah Sue Storm has like a couple of great kills or at least, you know, bonks. Because at one point she's got a guy on each side of her about to shoot and she just ducks and they shoot each other. Which we love. She gets invisible and just crouches. Yeah, cloak and dagger. and then the other one, she does it and then they run into each other and bonks. Yeah.
01:24:58
Speaker
And Doom ends up firing the laser. and So Johnny goes full on. Johnny Storm, flame on, turns into a full flaming cartoon. Yep.
01:25:09
Speaker
Oh, no, he turns into the silver surfer. The animation underneath the flames looks like. There you go. Yeah, it looks it's the it looks exactly. Let's call him a red rocket. Oh, what if? Seems more appropriate.
01:25:20
Speaker
Red rocket. What's that in the sky? It's a red rocket. Red rocket. What if? the whoever created silver surfer actually watched this movie and that was just their little easter egg to this fucking movie i mean it could be it could it's just a basic human animation so it's like yeah i like my legs and but it does look like laurence fishburne's silver surfer just not it actually looks better that's doug jones right no laurence fishburne oh voicing It was probably Doug Jones. think it's a Doug Jones body. I'm pretty sure it was just a computer picture. Well, yeah, but you got a person. I think that's a Doug Jones. And I think he was upset that he didn't get to voice it.
01:26:02
Speaker
Which, come on. Oh, I do vaguely remember that. Yeah, which which would have made so much more sense. So I guess it didn't have a voice because he was a cloud fart. Cloud fart. ah But so he takes off to try to stop the laser.
01:26:16
Speaker
Reed and Victor have a. ah I don't know. It's not a fight. They exchange two punches. And then Reed punches him in the face. And he's like, that's for trying to kill me.
01:26:28
Speaker
And again, that's for trying to kill my friends. And then one more. And this is being a real jerk. And he punches him off a cliff. We missed an opportunity, though, especially for a movie in like it's about New York. You got like, and this one's for New York.
01:26:40
Speaker
You instantly just made your movie better, at least in New York. yeah Yeah. And then you have all those people show up start throwing garbage at him. And they're like you mess with one of us. You mess with all of us. Yeah. because Precisely. I'm sure that really happens in New York. Punch and up.
01:26:54
Speaker
People in New York seem like they have a real tight-knit community and they don't just hate each other. Oh, yeah. Although, I'll tell you what, if you if you went in there wearing like a Boston jersey, different story. It's like feeling. would all gang up. They would all come. You mess with one of them? You you all have siblings. You just one and you three. I had... I grew with one but have... Seventeen.
01:27:13
Speaker
Six. But... I grew with one's a weird way to talk about your childhood. I know, right? We grew out of the same shit pile. You guys would fight all the time with each other, right? Yeah.
01:27:24
Speaker
But then the second somebody stepped to your fucking sibling where you're not, motherfucker, that's my sister. No, they weren't that tight. Oh. Only I'm allowed to talk shit about my sister. We were kind of just survive on your own.
01:27:36
Speaker
Well, you're not the targeted demographic that I was going Raised by wolves. but Doom is hanging off the edge of this cliff. Not wolves. And Reed's giving him this like speech, and he's like, he's basically he's like ah you're not going to stop me until I have what's rightfully mine, and like slips his hand out of his little glo It's a weird thing, because he's he's like, hey, help me, please, please. And then grabs like, see?
01:27:57
Speaker
I knew you didn't have it in here. I know, you're Get up there. Then do the speech. He doesn't need it. he's got He's got a big inflatable pillow down below. He's he's a stuntman.
01:28:09
Speaker
He's a stuntman. It fell into the banana patch. Okay, that's what happened. We got a bunch of rotten bananas down there. Can't feel Can't feel shit. Think you know why. And going bye-bye. yeah He plummets into this crevice.
01:28:24
Speaker
I would say it's more of a crevice. Crevice. Johnny gets in front of this laser because that's how speed works. Yeah. And. And what happens? This is the worst looking part of the movie, but it's still not that bad. it's we we we We were saying it's probably unfinished. Yeah.
01:28:40
Speaker
I think it was just an unfinished special effect. Yeah. movie never forgot It just looked like a cartoon. Yeah. It's fine. I'm not saying that a bad way. It sounded like it when I said it. It reminded me of growing up with those Spider-Man cartoons yeah and all those other ones. Like it's looked just fine by me.
Final Showdown and Recommendations
01:28:53
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Even the old Silver Surfer cartoon.
01:28:55
Speaker
And he's like, so it's it's the fire against the green laser and he's pushing back. I'm just a little confused about what happens here. Maybe I looked down to write something down and missed it. But he pushes the laser back.
01:29:06
Speaker
And then it's something, something he's in space yeah he and the laser explodes. The laser was not in space though. it was on earth. Right. He forced it up into space. He got the upper hand, but then the laser has the high ground.
01:29:19
Speaker
Yeah. Anakin. Oh my God. He basically just defeated the death star. Yeah. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. He but he defeats the laser again unfinished. And then we cut to a wedding between 40 year old Reed Richards oh wait and 17 year old Sue Storm. I do have to say this. Sue Richards now.
01:29:37
Speaker
Get it right, pal. um She said I did. After the bada boom, um we flash back to Reed's and Sue and he puts the glove down on the wall.
01:29:50
Speaker
Oh. And then hands. That thing is still doing finger words. So he really wasn't in control of the hands. they That's why he was hiding it in front of him when he was walking away because the fingers just move all the time. Stop doing that. You are embarrassing me. People are thinking I'm throwing up blood.
01:30:06
Speaker
This is ridiculous. I'm not. Stop doing that. Stop spelling blood with your hands. I'm never having sushi again in public. You made a ridiculous experience out of that. But yeah, they have their wedding and they drive away from the wedding. Imagine why. Your brain is going with that. This is one of the funniest special effects because Reed does a stretch out the window to wave to everybody else they're driving away. back But it's literally just like, let's put this arm on like a spring and hang it out on the top of this car and just waggle it around. I want to go back real quick.
01:30:33
Speaker
The wedding. Sue's wearing a gorgeous little wedding gown. Yes, she is. Johnny and Reed are wearing their fucking Fantastic Four suits and Ben is wearing underwear. yeah You couldn't get somebody in New York to tailor this up this man a big ass suit?
01:30:47
Speaker
No. Also, and being in love again and just phase back into a person since that's apparently what happens to you now. Yep. It was just that one time he got one. Everybody gets one. Everybody gets one. Okay.
01:30:59
Speaker
And did you guys notice when they were escaping earlier um after they escaped the prison that they were in, the building was 4444? I did. um This is the Fantastic Four. The Fantastic 4444.
01:31:11
Speaker
It's the four-tastic four. That's dumb. That's the end of the movie. So I know it's a harder recommend because you can't really get it. You can watch it on YouTube, but we'll go around the horn for recommendations. We'll start with wife. can we but but Before I interrupt you more, can we just say like in your recommendation, pretend that you could what could yeah get it easily? i mean, it's on YouTube, so it's not that hard. I don't know what the quality is on YouTube. would imagine it's very close to the quality of what we watched, okay which was not that bad. No, not at all.
01:31:37
Speaker
So I'm saying, yes, this is a recommend. I mean, definitely Jack's caveats. I it was we weren't drinking, but it was just a lot of fun to have these jokes with people.
01:31:47
Speaker
Yeah. and For me, i think commercials might have actually helped because I had to get up and do things and I could have just waited to do that with a YouTube ads. yeah i I almost guarantee you that one's not monetized. That's how you keep it on there. But um i I had so much more fun with this one than I ever have with the Jessica Alba ones. I think everybody else was a thousand times better in their acting. And they were just the blind chick was just a ah not just ah she was um a theater actress and everybody else was their first one.
01:32:26
Speaker
No, I think you nailed it. It's fun. It's funner for sure. I don't think it's a thousand times better and all that. I think it's better. I think it's much more of a comic book and less of a Hollywood.
01:32:36
Speaker
And I think even if you don't like this kind of movie, it's worth checking out because it's not supposed to exist. And because these people, like it it shouldn't exist. And these people are trying.
01:32:47
Speaker
yeah You know what I mean? It's not like it's one of these bad movies we've watched where, okay, Miami connection doesn't have an actor. Other movies, we have ones where people just like phoning it in. This is people thinking this is their break. And so it's worth watching that alone.
01:33:00
Speaker
Yeah, i agree. I recommend it. I'd, I'd only ever heard about how it wasn't painful either. No, it was that's the thing. I'd heard about how bad it was. I'd heard that it was whatever. It's really not that bad. I mean, I do like I've watched a lot of Roger Corman's output. You are kind of core demographic for this. Yeah. And so I like this. This can't be 80s shit. Even though this is 1994, this is definitely can't be 80 shit.
01:33:24
Speaker
But like even aside from that, It's a basic origin story. it's It's pretty much the Fantastic Four origin story. I think it's a better origin story than what we got. Because they're not trying to over explain it. When you get into the Jessica Alba and Welshman ones, they're trying to like over explain it. They're trying to give all this stuff and it's like, just let it be. But those were, that was the early days of comic book movies when they were like, we have to explain why all this stuff happened.
01:33:50
Speaker
They're starting to realize now too, they can just introduce people and be like, yeah, that guy's here. i wouldn't worry about it and you're like, I'm not gonna let me, let me watch him beat some stuff up with lasers. Yeah. That's what I'm here for. But I think it, I think it works. I think it's,
01:34:03
Speaker
better than any of the other fantastic four movies we've gotten um next month we'll find out about this new one i have high hopes for it i don't uh there's a lot of people talking about like the ages of the actors because like pedro pascal is like 50 and the other actors are younger but this is obviously also going to be like their multiverse thing because this is obviously not our main marvel universe because they so something's too big to be in fantastic four now well it's not there there's I don't know who the other actors are The one that's playing the thing is Eben Moss Yeah the brother from the bear or cousin the cousin The cousin from the bear and And he was in season one of Andor And I think the thing looks fucking amazing In these this new movie From what I've seen on the the one trailer I watched I have high hopes for it We'll see where it goes
01:34:51
Speaker
But up until at least that one, this is the best Fantastic Four story adaptation yeah I've seen. You heard it. Three recommends all the way down. hey, Avi Arad and Marvel from the 90s and 2000s, go fuck yourself. They should just put this out. Worst Brothers, W-U-R-S-T. Great fucking score. You know, I get where they're coming because if this had come out in 1994, everybody would have hated it.
01:35:14
Speaker
for sure. lot of the stuff that we look back at that's campy shit, especially from the 90s. The 80s, we were into camp. Yeah. The 90s when it was campy, people were like, this sucks. I don't want to see it. We've come back around after 30 years to appreciating something that's lesser than cyclical.
01:35:29
Speaker
Yeah. So I'd go I'd go look it up and check it out. um I'll post a YouTube link in the episode description. And if it gets taken down, then I'll take it out. So that might be there. It might not. We'll see.
01:35:42
Speaker
So that's it for this one. But our next episode, we're taking a break from superheroes because June is the only Friday the 13th in 2025. Kind of superhero, just a bad guy.
01:35:54
Speaker
Yeah. It's a hero to somebody. Super villain. It's a hero to some. Super slasher. Super shredder. He definitely has power. He does have power. he This is where he starts to become magical.
01:36:05
Speaker
that We are going tonna be talking about Friday the 13th, part two, with our friend Zip. I'm so excited to that. was on our last Friday the 13th episode, and it will probably be on everyone moving forward. There's only one Friday the 13th this year.
01:36:17
Speaker
This is the one he drew out of the hat. So we'll be talking about this. He says it's his favorite one. This is Burlap Sack Jason. So this is number two, correct? Number two, yes. And it will be out this Friday.
01:36:28
Speaker
Not waiting until Monday. It will be out this Friday. Because then on Monday, we'll be talking about Catwoman. From 10 years after this with worst special effects. Yeah. I wonder if I'm going to like it.
01:36:39
Speaker
Friday the 13th is available on Paramount Plus and it's on Amazon and Apple. um My Just Watch app isn't giving me prices, but I'm going to say four and ten.
01:36:51
Speaker
Or you can find the sweet ass Blu-rays that I have from Shout Factory. Not paying And then Catwoman is not available streaming for free, but it is available to rent on Amazon for $2.89 or at the time of recording, you can buy it for $5, which is an unfortunate mistake that Jack made.
01:37:09
Speaker
We rented and Jack bought $2. It looks like it is for ooh it's for rent for $3.79 on Amazon to buy $4.99 on Amazon. It looks like $4.99 to buy across all platforms right now.
01:37:23
Speaker
Okay, so as as of recording, Friday the 13th Part 2 is $4.99 to buy. Just go ahead and do that. That's easy. $3.79 to rent. like You'll put it on during Halloween and music on. Spend $1.20 extra, and if you like it, you watch it again. If you don't like it, you can watch it again and make fun of it.
01:37:37
Speaker
Yeah, put on the background for a Halloween party. Be good. And don't forget our Patreon, patreon.com slash worst people. It's only $3 a month. This month's mental health episode is Superman from 1978 with Christopher Reeve and Gene Hackman. Rest in pictures.
01:37:51
Speaker
That's available on Macs or you can rent it for four, buy it for 13. And we also have Latchkey Vids where we'll be talking about Cop Rock Episode 6, Oil of Olay. Olay, Olay, Olay.
01:38:06
Speaker
So that's been it for this week. I've been Derek. I'm Whitney. I better go get me a banana. It's slobbering time.
01:38:41
Speaker
world World War II chick was Captain Britain. Peggy Carter. Yeah. trying to think of the actress's name. She's gorgeous. She is. I'm in love with her. She looks nothing like me. Don't tell your wife. She'll tell Cynthia Rothrock.
01:38:54
Speaker
so Did you say don't tell your wife. She'll tell Cynthia Rothrock. Yeah. Because she's not going to jealous. She's just going to tell your other girlfriend. And then she'll kick your ass. I would have paid $800 that dinner. Woo.