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Ep 148: Face/Off (Mental Health Schlock & Load)
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This week's episode is about one of our favorite movies and it's a doozy! FBI agent Sean Archer (John Travolta) is obsessed with bringing down his nemesis and terrorist Castor Troy (Nic Cage) after Troy killed his son in an attempt on Archer's life. After some sci-fi gobbeldy gook, Cage and Travolta swap faces and lives and the heat is on in this classic John Woo action flick featuring some great over-the-top acting from both stars as well as some killer action setpieces including a high speed boat chase, which we have quite the debate about.
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Transcript
Introduction and 'Face Off' Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back listeners. It's mental health month and this week on the program, you know, I could eat a peach for hours. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm a peach.
00:00:11
Speaker
and and This is bad movies. Worst people. hey
00:00:46
Speaker
He listened to me, guys. We're off to a really good start. Yeah, we are. Just a banger episode. Because this week, we're talking about 1997's Face Off. We take his face off?
00:01:00
Speaker
yeah So I've been kind of waiting for this one because this thing straddles this movie face off 1997. nineteen ninety seven It can straddle my face. It's just, it'll straddle your face right off. It straddles that like, it's a, I think it's a great movie.
00:01:16
Speaker
Yes. But when you tell me it's a bad movie, I S I get it. Yeah. So it is that kind of fucking weird, nebulous. John Travolta has been a good actor. Nicolas Cage has been a good actor. They've both done some really shit roles.
Speculations on John Travolta and Bad Movie Definitions
00:01:32
Speaker
I think John Travolta is dying, by the way. We'll talk about that another time. But I think we got like two years of that dude left. Well, Scientology is taking him for everything that he's worth. Well, he's like Kelly Preston died. Yeah, so.
00:01:43
Speaker
Yeah. But so that's why I've been i'm waiting to talk about this for a long fucking time, but it's hard to put it in to a podcast called Bad Movies because people get upset with us when we're not saying that it's like we don't like it bad. We've talked about that bad movies means a lot of different things.
00:02:02
Speaker
It could be a great movie that just sucks. So to kind of show that, can you do you want to do the box office game? Yes, always.
Box Office Game and John Woo's Influence
00:02:10
Speaker
i love that Let's do the box office game. By the way, this is directed by John Woo.
00:02:14
Speaker
Oh, yeah. um What was his first met ah American directorial? was it Hard Target? ah Hard Boiled. Hard Boiled? I don't think it was American. I think it was the first one he had that came out in the U.S. I think Hard Target may have been his first American production.
00:02:29
Speaker
I'm not 100% on that. But he's pretty established by this point, right? Like as far as an American name. Yeah, I mean, at this point he had definitely done Hard Target previous episode, our 100th episode, by the way, a fucking great movie. And I hope a great episode. Let us know.
00:02:46
Speaker
And he did Broken Arrow before this and then he did this and then he did a bunch of crap. But I did read and I was looking for the thing I read and I couldn't find it again.
00:02:59
Speaker
But the there was a producer. This is like the only American production he's made that didn't get fucked with by the studio, which is why this movie is a banger, because the the producer, whatever her name was, was like, we want a John Woo movie.
00:03:15
Speaker
So don't fuck with that. Right. And so that's what they did, because after this, it was Mission Impossible 2, Windtalkers, Paycheck. wait holy shit wood talkers is him yeah yeah are there no birds doves white doves um mean reflections of people in mirrors i'm sure all that's in there not there's no mirrors and in in world war ii that was a very known thing they hadn't invented them yet the mirrors weren't here yet they just printed pictures on mirrors that's it
00:03:49
Speaker
div a mirror? Nobody can draw a picture of you and show it to you. yeah So the budget for this movie o is $80 million. Okay. ok Oh, boy. What month did it come out? We're going to do worldwide, right?
00:04:03
Speaker
It came out in June. I have both numbers if you guys want to try that. but I'd rather just do worldwide. Ladies first. 120. 120. ladies first um um to hundred and twenty
00:04:17
Speaker
I think you're under. I think we're going to go 180. I think you're under. I think we're going to go 245.6 million Fuck yeah. Golf clap for face off. Yeah.
00:04:32
Speaker
And that's. Basically, there was North America and that and North America was 112. So worldwide, a little more than doubled that. I think John Woo being the director probably helped that. I mean, he is an international name at this point.
00:04:47
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, he was well known in Kong cinema, hence other parts of the world that aren't the U.S. before he was over here. Yeah. And I'm really excited.
00:04:59
Speaker
Nobody
Music and Casting Discussion
00:05:00
Speaker
cares. But ah Shout Factory is starting a new like sub line called like Hong Kong cinema, Hong Kong classic cinema or something. And they got the rights to a bunch of John Woo movies, bunch old Jet Li movies, ah the killer and hard boiled. And it's like, oh, man, no, you were right here.
00:05:17
Speaker
You were right. Nobody cares. I do. Nobody besides you. maybe Maybe classy. I'm going to have a five movie box set of Jet Li movies, and we're just going to whole month of Jet Li.
00:05:29
Speaker
Ooh, Jet Li, Jet Li.
00:05:33
Speaker
Jet Jet Li. Yeah, like You know I love a good pun. Or Jun Li. Oh, yeah. ah But this is also, this is written by a couple of turds.
00:05:47
Speaker
ah Mike, Mike Werb and Michael Coleary. Werb is such a turd name. Mike Werb did write the mask. Like the mask? Yeah. or The mask with Jim Carrey, which I do enjoy, even though it probably sucks.
00:06:03
Speaker
I haven't seen it in a long time. I like it still. I watched it maybe a year and a half ago and like it may be to guilty pleasure. Maybe it's a nostalgia thing. I like it still. um But besides that,
00:06:16
Speaker
So I'll go over this to these guys were separately and then two of they did together. So Mike were wrote the mask and Michael Cole Leary wrote death wish five colon the face of death.
00:06:26
Speaker
Death wish five. I should have retired. He should have. And together they wrote Darkman three. oh I'm talking about should have retired. and Lara Croft Tomb Raider.
00:06:43
Speaker
Is that the Angelina Jolie one? The first one, Or is that the new one that just got done? No, that's the first Angelina Jolie one. The new one is just Tomb Raider. The Angelina Jolie one is Laura Croft's Tomb Raider. and the sequel is like Laura Croft and the Temple of Tits or something. I liked Angelina Jolie as Laura Croft.
00:07:03
Speaker
Sure. No, you can like that all you want. I think that's good casting. The problem is everything else. Yes. The best part about those movies is that they cast her actual father as her father. Yeah. In the movies, they hate each other. still wasn't believable.
00:07:16
Speaker
It's method acting. The fact that he was supposed to be her dad is just not believable, man. And I was enjoying the music throughout this, so I looked up the music people. It said in the beginning, John Powell. Yeah, so it's very confusing. But was feeling the John Powell was credited for the music.
00:07:34
Speaker
This was his first movie, by the way. He went on to do the music for such gems as shrek ah detox with Sylvester Stallone. So you're saying that he's responsible for smash mouth fucking. Well, the score, the score. All right. um He also did the music for solo.
00:07:53
Speaker
So he's in your world. Well, no, we've talked about solo and how that soundtrack is a big miss. Yeah, it's like it's almost. It is like you took a really nice glass of John Williams and then you put some ice cubes in it and then you let it sit for a little bit and you add a little mineral water. Like, dude, I take my John Williams straight up.
00:08:15
Speaker
need it on the It's the only way to take John. Yeah, I don't need you to take it a walk with water. Introduce it to water and make it a short walk. Well, and the credit on that one is weird because it doesn't say music by or composed by or any of that. It says score composed and adapted by John Powell.
00:08:34
Speaker
Adapted? Yeah, I'm assuming like maybe he's like, well, these are cuts that John Williams didn't want because they weren't good enough, so I'm just going to remix them. Remix. Yeah. Another one.
00:08:46
Speaker
and e you You know what? You know what? John Powell didn't write, though. He didn't write this banger of a theme song that we have for a little side show on Patreon. It's.
00:08:57
Speaker
I have it loaded in this thing. I'm going to play it. It's the best thing that I've done with my life.
00:09:05
Speaker
na's
00:09:07
Speaker
have it loaded in this thing i'm goingnna play it it's the best thing that i've done with my life If you're not a patron, which thank you to all the patrons you are. Thank you. I say hi there. Hello there.
00:09:21
Speaker
Hello there. This is the podcast you're looking for. But what I was going to say is in the credits, it says music composed by Hans Zimmer. Yeah. at the end credits of this. movie But then I also read that John Powell was Hans was like a Hans Zimmer protege. Oh, OK.
00:09:40
Speaker
So maybe he did some of it. And then this guy came in and finished it. I
Face Transplants and Dramatic Elements
00:09:44
Speaker
don't know. But Hans Zimmer put the fucking notes to paper and this guy did the rest. He's done. He stood in front of a bunch of people and went.
00:09:52
Speaker
Well, that's composing that's conducting sir it's a yeah you're right or he's doing all these fucking solo things on his own like he's a madman in a room by himself he's like you need to taste guitar like you need drums pop pop but but but trumpet pop No, that's that Ludwig Gorenson guy.
00:10:16
Speaker
That's him. That's what he does. Because you've watched the behind the scenes for Mando, right? It's just him in a room with like a bunch of weird indigenous instruments just like, and then I blow in this thing. I think my band found its sound.
00:10:29
Speaker
um We talked weird indigenous things. For some reason on another episode, we talked about that Arnold Schwarzenegger and sova Sylvester Stallone were in mind to play these two.
00:10:41
Speaker
right I don't remember what episode that was on, but we talked about it. don't know if it was an episode. I think it was in the car. No, it was. it was when We were talking about them doing another movie that they were paired off with. I can't remember which one it was.
00:10:54
Speaker
And Derek brought up this fact that they were going to be these guys. I'm going to take his face off. Let me take his face off. I'm going to cut it from ear to ear and then off.
00:11:06
Speaker
But I have some other pairings. No more drugs for that man. I have some other pairings that ah the studio wanted. um more of a Maybe more bankable. Don Lovitz and Dana Carver.
00:11:20
Speaker
Are you really just trying to get this bad boys made? Or who was supposed to? Was John Lovett? Was it those two, right? I think so. Yeah, okay. um So the first one is, so Michael Douglas came in as an executive producer on this.
00:11:34
Speaker
Okay. And the studio was hoping that that meant he would also act in it. So it would be Michael Douglas and any guesses? Oh, who else is a fucking just a giant white turd?
00:11:48
Speaker
Charlie Sheen's dad, Martin Sheen. That's a good guess, but no. Dennis Hopper? Nope. Dustin Hoffman? Nope. Harrison Ford. Oh. So that would be the pairing is Michael Douglas and Harrison Ford.
00:12:01
Speaker
You know what works about this movie? The juxtaposition of Nicolas Cage being fucking feral and John Travolta being mostly boring. Well, yeah they they both do do manic performances from time to time.
00:12:18
Speaker
Right, right, right, right. But John Travolta, what's like... Absolutely. And John, I think, is less known for the manic. He's not not known. The interesting thing in this movie is it's John Travolta playing Nicolas Cage playing John Travolta and Nicolas Cage playing John Travolta playing Nicolas Cage. Yeah. so there were some There were some scenes where John looked like he was actually having fun.
00:12:42
Speaker
What movie is it where John Travolta yells, do you want lunch? I can't remember. I don't know. That's a, it's a quote that's been stuck in my for years. I'm just going to say this, dude. I don't like hate, hate John Travolta.
00:12:57
Speaker
I can't name a lot of movies. I love him in urban Cowboys, a great movie. Maybe not because of him. we've talked Saturday night fever, this John Travolta pretending to be shut your fucking gorgeous mouth.
00:13:11
Speaker
Oh, the, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
00:13:17
Speaker
Derek trying to do a Grease song right now is my favorite new thing because it sounded like John Travolta trying to yodel. i who When I was in elementary school, we had to do a performance in front of all the parents and the school of a bunch of Grease songs. oh so juggleo version it's It was little me and blue denim jeans with a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up going, go Grease Lightning, burning up the corner. Go Grease Lightning, go Grease Lightning.
00:13:44
Speaker
if anybody listening has video of that please send it in rewind I'll ask my parents if they recorded it I doubt it they didn't so but what i was saying before I was so not rudely interrupted because that was beautiful um John Travolta pretending to be uncaged is my favorite John Travolta Simon close It's not even close.
00:14:08
Speaker
think Grease is fine. I'm not a musical guy. and It's mostly aimed for girls. Mostly. Mostly. Good in it. And then what did you say? Broken Arrow? Broken Arrow's fine.
00:14:20
Speaker
i like Broken Arrow a lot. I i like it. Yeah, Christian Slater and John Travolta. And the girl from Brothers. Mario Brothers. Yes. speaking sam Mario Brothers.
00:14:30
Speaker
Those boots kind of show up in the day Christian. Oh, yeah. we talked about this during fucking Mario Brothers, right? Maybe. Probably familiar. I mean, Mario Brothers is totally going to come back in this movie.
00:14:42
Speaker
Did you just say that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'll hear it in the recording. Probably. It's hard to hear him because I have an earbud in, but he's not in the ear. Oh, that's why life's so difficult.
00:14:55
Speaker
definite If I have us coming through where we can hear each other, there's a delay, and then it's really weird. Well, I've heard that. It's annoying. I don't want to hear. But anyway, that's just my whole point was John Travolta's at his best when he's pretending to be Nicolas Cage. Yeah. ah So there's some other pairings. I'll give you guys one, and you see if you can guess the other. Okay. Bruce Willis and...
00:15:18
Speaker
Jeff Goldblum. No, but that'd be great. Bruce Willis trying to be Jeff Goldblum. That's all I'm thinking about now is Jeff. Well, ah there it is. welcome well Welcome to the party, pal. um we but Maybe come by sometime. Ho, ho, ho. Now I have a machine gun. ah Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson. Got it.
00:15:39
Speaker
ah No, mar Michael Madsen. that would be cool, though. i have ah I'll give you a hint. It's a Tom Sizemore Michael Madsen. There's the pairing. Go on. this person size mybu will This person played the same character that Harrison Ford later played in a series of movies. Does that help?
00:15:58
Speaker
john ah Oh, yeah. is it Tom Cruise? No. oh didnt This guy played him first. Oh. It wasn't Reacher. It was... ah or ryan jack ryan jack ryan yeah yeah um he played him first played at first and then i don't know who played him and then nick cage played it or harrison ford played him hunt for red october gene hackman alec baldwin oh so bruce willis and alec baldwin played ryan jack ryan he was jack ryan in hunt for red october interesting i've never put that together i trying to see bruce willis and alec baldwin
00:16:34
Speaker
i I mean, you can do little short, isn't it? It's easily to do. It's easy to do. ah ah Baldwin, you just fucked up real low like this. Not a hard thing. Not a hard thing at all.
00:16:45
Speaker
That's the problem is that's also Bruce.
00:16:49
Speaker
He's a bit more animated. Not much. ah but time yeah But this is before the frontal lobe issues with Bruce Willis. This was when he was still making good. I mean, this is a round. No, it's nothing against that. You just need one of these people has to be, in my opinion, subdued. There's your John Travolta. And one needs to be bonkers.
00:17:09
Speaker
You need Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin. okay yeah trying to think yeah hold on who alan arkin give me a movie uh was watching the other night uh last of the red hot lovers yeah one that was like a play and it was a little bit sunshine chicks okay little
Prison Setting and Face-Swapping Concept
00:17:26
Speaker
bit sunshine who's he and is he a little bit sunshine he's he's uh he's the grandpa from for our generation generation generation he was a habitual old man he's a very very old no for our generation he's a habitual grandpa Okay. It was that the really the movie I was watching the other night that you were watching that you really liked Alan Arkin, the last of the red hot lovers. He was the one that kept trying to take girls up to his mom's apartment to cheat on his wife with them. And they just ended up having conversations. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah alan arkin just talking at people he kind of reminds i mean you're dad from
00:17:58
Speaker
wait for it nine oh two i know so There's a thousand movies he's in. Not really. But yeah he's just we are blanking on him because they're um not bad.
00:18:09
Speaker
So we're not going to talk about many of his movies. Correct. All right. So we got an action movie pairing. Straight up action movie pairing. Jean-Claude Van Damme. and Steven Seuss.
00:18:19
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. get purple square. You hear that? yeah
00:18:27
Speaker
Is she helping you? That's cheating. Did you just get pussy for winning? I did. She's only staying around because I have treats in my pocket. It's the only way you're going to get it, though. ah There's another very 90s pairing.
00:18:41
Speaker
This one goes a little bit of a different direction. Think of your John Lovitz and Dana Carvey thing. And then they ended up doing Will Smith and Martin Lawrence for Bad Boys. ah Okay. So this is to keep that in mind when you think about this. Chris Tucker, nice cube.
00:18:55
Speaker
No, we have Denzel Washington and Dwayne Johnson. Oh, yeah. ah yeah No, Denzel. Oh, Morgan Freeman.
00:19:06
Speaker
Action. Action. Morgan. 90s. Wesley Snipes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Snipes. I could kind of see that, but because like Wesley Snipes can be manic, but like how do you impersonate Denzel Washington?
00:19:19
Speaker
you be calm and collected. but i'm telling um um you do do i understand What I'm you is a fucking truth right now. King Kong ain't got shit on me. No, when I think of Denzel, I think of like just calm and collected when he says something to do without raising his voice like, oo Oh, I believe him. Like a bone collector.
00:19:37
Speaker
And I have one last one. And it ties to another episode from this month. I could play this game all day, by the way. This is the bestest podcast has ever been. Another pairing with actors that were in a movie from this month.
00:19:52
Speaker
okay Okay. Two actors that you would want if you were a studio executive to headline your movie. Okay, so we've done Goonies. We've done Welcome to the Dollhouse. Brendan Fraser.
00:20:06
Speaker
Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley. No, no is it going to be Pacino De Niro? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? Why fucking wouldn't you? That would be fantastic because they did it.
00:20:17
Speaker
She's got a great ass. You got your head all the way up it. Give it to me Give me what you got I could eat a peach For hours I could eat a peach for hours Oh yeah Now do Robert De Niro Being Pacino thought he was doing before You had all the way up it All the way up it You want me to you want me.
00:20:46
Speaker
i want you to. nate De Niro impersonating fucking. Impersonating De Niro. Yeah. ma It's a it's a with a matrice good all Russian nesting doll.
00:21:01
Speaker
I need Christopher Nolan to direct me with this level of. like um So there's a there is this is science fiction they switch faces right but there was a real life there have been real life face transplants the first one was accomplished in the year 2012 on a guy named richard norris who accidentally shot himself in the face with a shotgun it was in 1997 when this movie came out wild so he like blasted himself and he's like god i wish face off was real
00:21:37
Speaker
And then like 17 years later, there's one doctor who's like, hey, I saw that movie for 15 years. Yeah. Yeah. I can't math. Yeah. Oh, and I have one alternate person for Pollux Troy, somebody who turned down the role of Pollux Troy.
00:21:52
Speaker
Anybody else? Because this is a fucking stinker role for this this. This is a stinker performance. I would have loved Sam Rockwell. i think god yeah I think this guy is better than who turned the role down, though, just because I don't like him.
00:22:05
Speaker
Oh, oh, somebody you don't like. No, he loves Chuck Norris. um It's get Chris O'Donnell. Hey, bro. My brother's Nick Cage. Oh, bro.
00:22:16
Speaker
Hey, what was my medication? Used to fucking hand me hand feed me stuff. What was it? Yeah, Viagra. But don't tell nobody. I take Viagra every day just in case. I don't want to get hard, but in case I have to get hard.
00:22:27
Speaker
You know what I'm saying? Got stuck in my throat, had a stiff neck for hours. Boom. Rim shot. Hey guys, I'm a little autistic. They told me that my character's autistic and I don't know how to act, so I'm just going to say I'm a little autistic.
00:22:39
Speaker
Hey, big bro. Hey, I'm not going to lie. I would actually beat myself up if I haven't met me. He would. He would. And that's it good. That's the one of the dumbest casting options I've heard.
00:22:54
Speaker
um This movie came out in 1997, June of 1997. There was another Nicolas Cage movie that also came out in June of 1997. that we'll have to talk about at one point.
00:23:05
Speaker
And what would that be? Snake Eyes? Con Air. Oh. Could you imagine going to the theater twice in the same month and seeing Con Air and fucking Face Off? I dream about it.
00:23:16
Speaker
i would do a back-to-back feature. yeah you give me a pee break, I'm good. oh and Jack, apparently... There's an episode of The Clone Wars from 2012 titled Deception, which is directly inspired by this movie.
00:23:34
Speaker
obbi one Really? Obi-Wan gets his face transported off. Hmm. You want to take my face off? Hello there. No more clones.
00:23:46
Speaker
No more clones for that man. Yeah, I don't know any of these other names. He assumes the identity of bounty hunter Racco Hardeen and goes undercover in a Republic jail so he can foil Moralo Evil's plot to kidnap Chancellor Palpatine.
00:24:02
Speaker
They were getting real lazy on the names there. me I'm more all evil. i go by more for short. So just more evil. You can call me more evil. All my friends do. This is my brother Lester. You can call him less evil, more or less evil. That's us.
00:24:22
Speaker
And ah I was disappointed to read that apparently Joel Schumacher showed up while they were filming this to talk to Nick Cage and offer him the role of one Jonathan Crane slash the scarecrow in a sequel he was going to make to Batman and Robin that never ended up happening.
00:24:40
Speaker
Ooh, I was disappointed because it didn't happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. so first off, I defend Batman and Robin. Face off. Face things face. um I defend the movie.
00:24:54
Speaker
I will always defend the movie Batman and Robin, not because it's good, but because if you take almost any amount of hallucinogenics, that is a fucking fun movie. Well, and let me look into my crystal ball.
00:25:07
Speaker
Yes, we'll be talking about Batman and Robin more very soon. Okay, good. Because next month is superhero Didn't we already do? you supposed do it You say
Character Relationships and Symbolism
00:25:19
Speaker
spectacular. This is the part where you roll your arms. Try to get Derek do it again.
00:25:24
Speaker
Superhero spectacular. That sucked. She fucked it up. Spectacular. You're dry. You need to be moist. There it is. There's the moisture.
00:25:35
Speaker
Spectacular. But no, we did not talk about Batman and Robin. We talked about Batman forever. Oh, same movie. It's both Schumacher. It's both Schumacher though. Yeah, but one of them has so it's two good actors as villains, and the other one has Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman who can be good actors. When you are on any amount of hallucinogenics and Arnie Schwartz walks out with his fucking blue glitter body and he says things like, everybody chill, it is a fucking great time for everybody.
00:26:07
Speaker
So is that what we're going to do? We're going to eat some shrooms and then watch it and then podcast? Allegedly. Yes. Okay. So guys, I need possible deniability.
00:26:18
Speaker
Let's talk about face off. Please. I like how they share an eye on that post. I know it's so weird. It's like a fucking Siamese twin Cyclops.
00:26:30
Speaker
Cyclames twin. We'll work down. So we got it. We've got Sean Archer played played by John Travolta and Caster Troy played by Nick Cage. Um,
00:26:41
Speaker
And I read a fun fact. Well, it's fun for Whitney and probably other people who like star stuff. I was wondering if she was i was going to ask if Whitney knew who Castor and Pollux were. Well, this they I know that they're Greek.
00:26:57
Speaker
Myth people, but. ah Go on. Spoken like fucking Socrates, dude. Greek myth people. But Sean Archer's name is based off of the constellation of the Zodiac Sagittarius, which is the Archer.
00:27:15
Speaker
And it's diametrically opposed to the constellation Gemini. Can you guess what the two major stars are that make up the constellation Gemini? Is Nicolas Cage and whatever this bird's name is? Pollux and Castor? It is Pollux and Castor. She was right. her does star for whitney It's not Nicolas Cage and Alessandro Nivola.
00:27:36
Speaker
oh I just hate his performance. I like don't hate it because I feel like he's actually he's
00:27:46
Speaker
It's the way he says, bro, which is probably fucking a hangover from wanting to have Marky Mark on here. Your character says bro a lot. Don't call me bro, bro. Well, it's because he even says he's like, I hate when you call me bro. So now it's like a joke between them. He's like, hey, bro.
00:28:03
Speaker
It's a sarcastic. Yeah, but I just don't like this guy. but I know you don't. It's the movie starts with the assassination assassination of a child. Via a mustachioed cage.
00:28:15
Speaker
Is it Nicholas Cage's father? is he playing his father right here? If that taught me anything, mustache means father. I read that, uh, Nick Cage is a fan of Chow Yun fat and in,
00:28:30
Speaker
I believe it's The Killer, which is another John Woo movie. There's an assassination scene in which he has this mustache. But they're on this sweet little merry-go-round ride. Everything's all happy and desaturated. And then, blammo, this kid is dead.
00:28:45
Speaker
blammo dead and you do see in nick cage is like oh man i didn't want to kill that kid he doesn't care late now it's it's not remorse it's like damn sean sean's not dead yeah sean's still alive i don't care that kid's dead i just care that that guy's still alive i wonder if this is going to come back to haunt me probably not We'll get over it, right?
00:29:08
Speaker
The kid, little Mikey Archer, is played by Miles Jeffrey, who apparently is in like 15 episodes of 90210 and plays an elf in the Santa Claus 2. Who is he in 90210?
00:29:20
Speaker
It's later seasons than we are on because it's after this, 97, 98. ninety seven ninety eight Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. And apparently there was an alternate version where john that John Woo wanted to do and he the studio was like, um American audiences aren't going to get behind this. They're not going to feel for these characters, and this movie's going to fail.
00:29:39
Speaker
In where... Put on your... or Everybody sit down if you're standing. um Whoa. Nicolas Cage, Caster Troy, and Sean Archer had ah love affair.
00:29:53
Speaker
And Sean Archer didn't want anybody to find out. And that is why Nicolas Cage attempts to assassinate him. I would have loved that. I don't know if that includes this terrorist thing or if that's an alternate to the terrorist thing.
00:30:08
Speaker
You know, like they were like, no, we we can't do that. So we'll make him a terrorist instead. Yeah. Yeah. They don't like gay people. Yeah. especially in 1997. Oh, we, no, we weren't ready for gay. We're gay dudes in 97 gay chicks. We were fine with as long as they were pretty, but gay dudes. Oh yeah.
00:30:26
Speaker
Hey, guys, I don't want to sound needy here. i'm needy. But we have a Patreon at patreon.com slash worse people. And it only costs $3 a month. $3 a month is nothing. And I know times are hard right now. Real hard for me.
00:30:40
Speaker
Inflation's up. You can't afford your groceries. Can't eat. But you can't afford $3 a month if you love us. Give us $3. Super love us. Please love us. please love us we're not We're not begging. I'm begging.
00:30:51
Speaker
We're not pleading. I'm pleading. We're not down on our knees. Oh, boy. I mean. My knees hurt. They've been on it on so long. But we do kind of need the money. I need the money bad. We need new equipment.
00:31:03
Speaker
New equipment. We need to do remote podcasts for all of you. wouldn't mind eating. We need to have video. I wouldn't mind eating. ah We need more drinks. Food sounds good. So please check out patreon.com slash worst people. Please check us out.
00:31:18
Speaker
You get a bonus episode every month and we're going more content coming for you. I'll send you pictures. and Thank you guys. Thank you so much. Please give me patreon.com. I'm being held hostage here slash worst people. I don't pay my way out of here. They're going to kill me.
00:31:31
Speaker
So we cut to six years later. We've got all these people hanging out at the FBI station here. There's Wanda played by Margaret Cho. It's what a weird casting choice. I mean, she's at this point just a stand-up comic, and she's not funny in this movie.
00:31:47
Speaker
In the 90s, she was trying to get away from comedy and be in movies. but Okay, that makes sense. Somebody else, i can't remember who else was supposed to be. There was another... I read a thing about another Asian actor.
00:31:59
Speaker
I think Lucy Liu only name I can think of off the top my head. I can't think of who was. But and then we have Buzz, played by James Denton, who Whitney knows from The Good Witch, which is like a Hallmark show. like Hallmark show, but it's on Netflix. And he was also in like 180 whatever, all every single episode of um you Desperate Housewives. He's the guy that moves next in next door.
00:32:23
Speaker
that's a he he's also He's also on the Pretender. That one's for you, Jack. Now I'm back. you lot I was really close to falling asleep right now when you started talking about Desperate Housewives. Pretender? yeah Speaking of people you might know, I'm not sure who this character is, but Tito, his ah Archer's buddy, the black guy, is played by a guy named Robert Wisdom who played Bobby Washington in That Thing You Do.
00:32:48
Speaker
Oh. Bobby Washington. I don't know. Oh, oh no. Yeah. He had to be one of the fucking black musicians. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. Maybe one of the guys in the the jam session or something like that. He's kind of the um poor man's Andre Bauer. Yes.
00:33:06
Speaker
I can also see him being an alien. It's like if you mixed Andre Bauer with ah surprise motherfucker guy. Yeah. ah But I see what the guy from Dexter, the the the black detective. And there's jokes. Yeah. And there's that meme of him just like surprise motherfucker. so Surprise motherfucker. And all that.
00:33:28
Speaker
Yeah. It's the gift that keeps giving. it is um But so they're they're hunting down Nick Cage, Caster Troy. And everybody, and Sean Archer is a hard ass and everybody's like, dude, we need a fucking break. He's like, you take a break when the fucking case takes a break, motherfucker.
00:33:44
Speaker
You sleep with your dead. Yeah, pretty much. And we see a Nick Cage going to the Los Angeles Convention Center in full cagey and priest mode.
00:33:58
Speaker
just dancing around while these choirs singings like grab it on this girl's ass. He's a method actor. He's like, Oh, um no one's going to believe I'm a priest unless I fucking touch an underage person. Yeah, but it wrong sex.
00:34:11
Speaker
Nah, it's all gender neutral. Also, she had to have been like over 18, right? Like, Oh, she looked here the choir. i know I think, I think character is not supposed to be.
00:34:23
Speaker
I keep keeping this down and things are like cats here. And we have anyway, and we meet Pollux, Troy, his brother played by Alessandro Navola, who was in such exciting movies as Jurassic Park three. Oh, Craven the Hunter.
00:34:39
Speaker
But he was also it was a smaller part, but he was in the that new. um ah Fuck, what's that guy's name with the face? Just one best actor. He was in The Brutalist.
00:34:55
Speaker
Adrian Brody? Adrian Brody, yes. I kept thinking Andre Brower. I was like, damn it, he's still on my mind. Yes, he's in that, and... That's what I know him from. the note You should have said the nose guy.
00:35:07
Speaker
Well, I was trying not to be rude. I'm the fat chick. It's fine. um But basically, like they're setting up this bomb and they go meet at the airplane to get out of here.
00:35:21
Speaker
And he does tell his goons, one of whom is played by Tommy Flanagan. Yeah. The Irish dude from s SOA. Love him. You know, what i almost unrecognizable with black hair. He might be Scottish.
00:35:32
Speaker
I think because I know i know his name is Flanagan, but what he has, that scar is known as a Glasgow smile like you that's that's a Scottish thug kind of thing. But didn't he play Irish all the time?
00:35:45
Speaker
Well, yeah, the Americans idea of Scottish and Irish, we've we've done it on this podcast. but's It's a very, very similar thing. Jack is Irish and I am Scottish. Jack is a Viking.
00:35:58
Speaker
Jack is a Viking. A Viking prince. yeah Whoa, dude, if my dad's a king, we got to talk. No, your mom's dad. No, it goes way back.
00:36:09
Speaker
One of your ancestors was raped by a Viking king, which technically makes you a Viking prince. Lucky. But so they go, they get on this plane. ah He doesn't pay his his sidekick dudes. And he's like, by the way, stay out of downtown on the 18th. It's going to be a little smoggy.
00:36:26
Speaker
Oh, the whole yeah. I love it. The whole reason why, though, is because and it leads to why the ah Archer team was able to get him. ah bro paid for the plane in cash or paid for it himself instead of anybody else. That's why he offers him that clip of money and he's like, ha I pay you to protect him from everybody including himself.
00:36:51
Speaker
Yeah. And that's how they all knew where all the other feds knew where to go. Yeah. The whole beginning of this is great because it's just it's Cage still being cast or Troy. So everything is off the rails. We have the priest. Yeah. And then we have what he's getting on the plane. And he's there he's like, let's go. Let's go. I'm bored. Let's go.
00:37:09
Speaker
Like I love him with this stewardess. How grateful would continue you If I were to send you flowers, where would I – if I were to let you suck my tongue, how grateful would you be?
00:37:21
Speaker
o And she goes to town on it. Good good undercover agent. I would go to town on that tongue too. I know you would, but you don't work with heads. and also like my and also e for educational and also you want anything for erectile would you like anything when we take off a peach i can eat a peach for hours by the way i absolutely love the fact that that is the phrase that they took from the recording i can eat a for hours me yesterday age like i could oh
00:38:03
Speaker
so so the fbi shows up here in full force uh john travolta starts playing chicken with an airplane yep in a hummer he's in a humfy You're going to lose that game 9 out of 10.
00:38:16
Speaker
And if it wasn't for Nick Cage holding this girl who's pretending to be a flight attendant but is undercover FBI at gunpoint, I think he would have just crashed into those front that front fucking set of wheels on that thing.
00:38:28
Speaker
He had a death wish. Dude killed his kids. He says, you don't i don't care if I die. You do. so yeah But i he does dodge. Nick Cage leans out the door with this girl and he's like, is this one of yours shoots her and tosses her out and this dummy flip-flopping all over the place is fucking amazing. and ah This is such a good dummy too.
00:38:50
Speaker
yeah I thought of you guys. um like I don't think you need to watch this with people, but like at this point in the movie with this dummy work, i was like, I should have watched this with them. like This is fun. you know all of us what do You know Derek and I were just like, oh fuck yeah!
00:39:05
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like watching this, looking at the same moon at the same time. It's like we're looking at each other. like John Travolta. there's ah It's a whole whole bunch of action. He ends up jumping in the helicopter, shoots the engine.
00:39:20
Speaker
the This plane goes to are he the Nick Cage kills the pilot, tries to drive the plane, much like Deadly Run. want to say. i wanted to say like this i understand that you're like keeping this pilot at gunpoint but you're like ah fuck it whatever it's done shoot him now you have no like brakes or anything you're just like trying to steer it it's like you could have at least told the pilot to stop well he does hit the brakes because he he pulls the lever back but he doesn't too late second and i guess i guess with this shot they were really destroying this plane all this stuff is real
00:39:55
Speaker
Except for them switching their faces. Oh, weird. That's not real. But they they only had one one chance for this because they were really destroying this plane. So they set up like 13 cameras around this hangar.
00:40:07
Speaker
way you got We're going to get one shot. We're going to get a shot. that's a very Hong Kong thing to do. Jackie Chan did it a lot. But he, on the other hand, on the like different from this, this, they use, like, shots that make one coherent sequence.
00:40:24
Speaker
um If you watch, like, the movie Police Story, there's a scene at the end where Jackie Chan jumps off the top story of this mall and, like, grabs onto these Christmas lights and, like, slides his way down and there's sparks shooting everywhere and all this stuff.
00:40:37
Speaker
They got it with three different cameras. They show that entire travel down from every single angle. Nice. And then they show it again, like, four more times in the credits. Nice. We really, really like this shot. don't know if you understand that. I crashes into the hangar. There's a big shootout.
00:40:56
Speaker
One of these dudes gets fucking lit up with a shotgun. Yeah, dude. This is a fun shoot him up, bang him up scene. It is. You're right. Except um there's a lot of fireworks. Well, and I didn't mention at the beginning, but this is our schlock and load for mental health month. This is the good version, like the mental health version of schlock. Right. I'm going to tell you something don't like in this movie that happens every now and then the fireworks sound.
00:41:21
Speaker
Yeah. Like it's this big bad a boob and it's all. Yeah. my husband It's not what blowies sound like, dude. Trust me. They sound like always they sound like this. walk walk Hey, do you know what Cinderella did when she got to the ball?
00:41:38
Speaker
It's more like.
00:41:42
Speaker
it's more like
00:41:45
Speaker
Yeah, because I know. with i was all in a Catholic school for eight fucking years. And Whitney did notice here and a few times in the movie, because we're watching this on the 4K that I got from Kino Lorber.
00:41:58
Speaker
Definitely get that if it's if you guys can, because it looks amazing. Oh, yeah. But... um You can see the wires and stuff. And in this case, it's not even a wire. They have this dude on a full on rope. Yeah. So when he gets blasted and it looks like he just smashes into a rope that's hanging from the hangar in the background.
00:42:14
Speaker
But at the very moment of his ascent from Earth. ah yeah You see that rope go taut and just pull him back. Yeah. um i didn' I didn't watch it in 4K. I did watch it in Blu-ray quality. And the stuntmen are some of the most egregious non-lookalikes I've seen in a long time. What did i say? It looked more like Quentin Tarantino than Nick Cage.
00:42:41
Speaker
Yeah, when he smashes after this jet engine takes him out here. Also, we're going to talk about this real quick. Nicolas Cage hairline, not a great hairline. This style is the best to do with this hairline that brush forward because you're giving yourself more length.
00:42:56
Speaker
Even this little widow's peak or not little, that giant widow's peak it has right here. but Everything is pushed forward. The Dracula, the Dracula. It's just the best look for this length of hair. Like don't go back guys. If you have a receding hairline in a widow's peak, don't go back, go forward, work with yourself. Yes.
00:43:14
Speaker
Yeah. Don't don't hold on to the long hair if it's receding because it just makes it look like it's back even further. Don't Hulk Hogan this shit. You know what i mean? You don't have enough bandanas, guys.
00:43:25
Speaker
um But during this the tussle, this like I guess engine under maintenance gets turned on. It's an experimental engine. Sure. Why wouldn't you have one button that pushes that you push to turn it on?
00:43:37
Speaker
Nick Cage put pushes Archer just past the breaking point with ah how's your daughter? Is she ripening? you you probably shouldn't have said it like that, right? Especially when you think you have one bullet left, but you have zero.
00:43:55
Speaker
That's the kind of guy he is, though, man. He's like, you know what? I'm going to go out with the banger line. If I don't have a bullet, this is my exit. Yeah. Yeah. He gets he gets thrown back behind this jet and hits their behind this engine, hits the button right before he gets there. So it blasts him into this cage against the wall.
00:44:12
Speaker
And he supposedly dies. Yeah, he's cage. Yep. He's dead, too. So movie should this movie should wrap up pretty quickly. Yeah, you would think.
00:44:24
Speaker
We go and see some of ah Sean Archer's home life with ah Eve, his wife, played by Joan Allen. yeaht Dude, not nothing against Joan Allen, man, but you boring. Isn't she Wendy Darling in Hook?
00:44:37
Speaker
she's No. Or not Wendy Darling. She's the daughter. Oh, she might actually She might be hook she might yeah you might be um ah rob ah Robert my kids hey hey you got my kids I used to fly used to call like a fucking girl Robert De Niro Bangarang Bangarang Bangarang But I I recognize her because just saw her in Manhunter when I was watching all the Michael Mann movies She's also also been with Nick Cage previously in Peggy Sue Got Married Okay And she masturbates a tree on fire in Pleasantville Yes she does Good for her She's the redheaded mother How good for the tree
00:45:22
Speaker
I've never seen Pleasantville Oh it's all it's the whole thing where the whole world's black and white And someone comes in from the real world And starts please hit her why starts introducing like you know Sin and color basically They get sucked into a 50s TV show ah Yeah it's her and Tobey Maguire yeah And the mom the discovers masturbation in the bathtub And when she comes the tree in the front yard catches on fire That does not happen with you no hmm but i don't masturbate in the bathtub so oh try it have you ever been caught masturbating in the hall closet
00:46:03
Speaker
Now, you know, those things that have you? Yes or no. No. That's a really good hiding spot. You know, those things that you like strap your feet into and you hang upside down to stretch your back. That's how I. Yeah, the the the Batman mobile, the Batman bed.
00:46:16
Speaker
That's how I masturbate. Lucky. i don't need to masturbate. And then we need to do it. It's just fun. We meet his daughter, Jamie. I just don't go to sleep. ah Played by Dominique swan Swain in her film debut.
00:46:32
Speaker
You can tell she she was an alpha dog, which I know. I think Whitney is talking about liking. I've never seen it. She's in the remake of Lolita with Jeremy Irons, which was OK, but not as good as the original.
00:46:44
Speaker
I didn't really recognize much else in her filmography, but I do know her name, so I must know her from something. it's um i have a feeling I have a feeling that she is a like hallmark or what's another Lifetime I feel like she's done a bunch of them shits Well there's definitely a bunch Redbox movies on her okay like I was going through and it's just like that sounds like something you would rent for a dollar I'd rent that for a dollar That's the 2020 version of Lifetime Redbox dude come on No no no that was the 2015 version of Lifetime Redbox is gone
00:47:19
Speaker
Are they? Oh, yeah. You can't find one. I don't get out much. There's a whole there's a whole subreddit. I find one. There's a whole subreddit dedicated to like hacking these red box machines that have been left behind and getting all the movies out of them.
00:47:33
Speaker
Nice. I really want to try it sometime. Supposedly. um Where are you going to find one? There's there's still one in front of that fucking CVS that's just been sitting there for years abandoned.
00:47:45
Speaker
o Maybe it's already empty. Probably allegedly. But so basically like his wife is tired of him always being at work now that he got cast to Troy. This should be over.
00:47:56
Speaker
His daughter hates him because she's a teenage girl and that's what they do. I like this moment, though, where like they're talking about their daughter got in a fight and they're like, well, it's probably because you dress like a clown or something like that. and It turns and all she has is like deep mascara with like flares on it. But the camera zooms it where it's like, look at this fucking terrible person. I thought she looks really good.
00:48:19
Speaker
and thought I thought it was cute. Like when I was, when I was younger, i was definitely attracted to this um character. She's got a smashing pumpkins poster in her room. So she looks like she listens to smashing pumpkins. Exactly. But like just the way the camera was like, Oh, little teenage girl. Who's probably 17 years old listening to smashing pumpkins with dark mascara.
00:48:40
Speaker
What is a family to do? Yeah. Well, she's also dating Danny Masterson. Well, that is a bigger problem. what Much, bigger problem. We're not talking about this movie. We're talking about Danny Masterson. like they're They're talking about their stuff. learn from this movie?
00:48:58
Speaker
No, they they were just no be yourself. And he's like, got it. oh No, no. I think that they were like, hey, just be like a loving boyfriend, you know, that just wants to. He's like, got it.
00:49:09
Speaker
Just really aggressively pursue her. Got it. Like, no, that's not what we got it. Well, we're working with this. We only have one take. We only have one girl to destroy.
00:49:20
Speaker
we We set everything up here. We get a little bit of ah foreshadowing because it's like, I'm going to try to fix everything. I'm going to go to therapy. and I'm to do this and that. And she's like, I just want you. And he's like, good, because that's what you're going to get.
00:49:33
Speaker
That's a line that you cannot say out loud. You cannot say that. If you ever say that to someone, if you ever say that to someone, you're going to get your face.
00:49:45
Speaker
off question jack if i started acting differently just randomly oh could tell right whitney i just assume you're on drugs if you started being happy
00:50:01
Speaker
ah yeah like what fuck's wrong with jack he's all happy now is he a pod person now whitney question for you answer this is gonna get a little dirty and i'm trying to not to but it's gonna happen do you think that you could blindfold recognize your husband's penis in a lineup like holding it yeah or whatever yeah yeah or whatever or like my mouth with my hand i'm saying like even just like all right here's a better question do i lick it blindfold would you know if it's your husband having sex with you or not yes
00:50:37
Speaker
thousand percent well because it would be i would win all the money i just like if all of a sudden you have all of a sudden derek started doing moves that you like you know because obviously there is going to be a huge difference between this character of nicholas cage fucking and this character of john travolta fucking there is going to be that we're talking about like vanilla ice cream versus some fucking like rocky chocolate chip cookie dough with lsd in it There's a big difference in flavor where she like Joan is going to be like oh, oh, my God, I've never had an orgasm. That tree is going to catch on fire out there.
00:51:13
Speaker
Oh, what she got pregnant? Oh, man, that's how you get face off, too. We're getting face off, too. And that's how they said it's actually they said that they it's already in the makes this year.
00:51:24
Speaker
Yeah, because it's fucking little half baby of both of them. They both came at the same time. She had two eggs split. I'm not a doctor. Her eggs split off and she is. So she knows how to do this.
00:51:37
Speaker
Well, I heard ah one of the guys who was tasked with writing Face Off 2 on a podcast from like 2018 talking about how we're almost done writing it. So I'll believe it when I see it. but Show me a trailer dude. This is like Star Wars. Oh and speaking of sequels that we don't think are necessary.
00:51:54
Speaker
We talked a little bit about Heat 2. I found out Michael Mann had actually written a book already. There's a book out of Heat 2. Oh that makes it easier. Yeah and Adam Driver is supposed to be involved in some way. I don't hate Adam Driver. I didn't look too much into it. Oh hey Adam Driver but he's also now we know he can't But he has been misused.
00:52:12
Speaker
But we know that he can't be the kid of ah what's her name and Val Kilmer. No, but he's definitely the kid of Robert. Ashley Judd. Yeah, he's a kid of Robert De Niro. That's a but it. Can't be. You can't be related to them, too.
00:52:29
Speaker
But so then we meet CCH Pounder playing Hollister Miller. Why can I never remember her name? I just i don't know. It's the easiest name. of this and you name Most unique name. I'm all in Hollywood. But welcome back to the podcast. CCH Pounder. She was on Demon Knight from our Patreon episode from April.
00:52:47
Speaker
She would know her from ah the 13. The Shield. No. i Was how that third warehouse? you Oh, warehouse 13. Yeah.
00:52:58
Speaker
She's in Sliver, which we just watched the other day. Did we? Yeah. It's the sexy one with a chair. And with one Daniel Baldwin's. Yeah. Yes.
00:53:09
Speaker
That's right. or but Billy Billy Billy oh billy billy oh but i love I love they're like hey we recovered this Pollux Casters Pollux Troy's briefcase they're dumb names you're fine we recovered Pollux Troy's briefcase it had this really cool high technology zip disc in it um For kids who don't know, a Zip Disc was like a diskette or you don't know what that is either.
00:53:35
Speaker
You know, what never mind. Dude, yeah. you don't know what i does if you don't know what a CD is, it's a lot like a tape. If you don't know what a cassette tape is, it's a lot like an 8-track. Okay. If you don't know an 8-track, it's a lot like a fucking record. Oh, all right. If you don't know like a record, you are going backwards, my friends.
00:53:54
Speaker
Kids today know what records are because vinyl's back on the rise. Well, it better be. ah But they find out that basically he set up this bomb that'll unleash like a biblical plague.
00:54:05
Speaker
And they and don't know. Oh, no, it's locusts, isn't it? It's a bomb of locusts. Oh, this is super inconvenient. No one died, but damn.
00:54:16
Speaker
but and And we have ah the head of the FBI here or the this office at least, Victor Lazaro, played by Harvey Presnell. I know this fucking cat and his mustache. He's in Saving Private Ryan, so that's probably where you know him from. Sure. He's also in Fargo.
00:54:30
Speaker
he's a ah He's the one that... Is he the nihilist? No, Fargo. Not Big Lebowski. No, he and he's those he's talking about Peter Stormare who's in Fargo. No, not not Peter Stormare is the older, the older man with the mustache in this movie couldn't possibly be Peter. So the guy that John Travolta later gives a heart attack to.
00:54:49
Speaker
Oh, that guy in Fargo. He is ah William H. b Well, he has a mustache. He's a mustache. So is he playing his own dad? Yes. Yes. He's William H. Macy's Boston Fargo, who's also the father of the woman that he's married to, who's like, hey, you're a piece of shit and a failure.
00:55:06
Speaker
That's the main thing I know him from. You've heard it a thousand times. Yeah. Especially from the people of the parents of the person I'm with. My parents just didn't talk to me. They just kept me grounded and locked in a room. Are you still grounded?
00:55:18
Speaker
ah They kicked me out. So Derek grounder. If you have that capability. No, he does not. but So CCH Pounder introduces him to introduce to what ah Travolta to Dr. Malcolm Walsh. I know this actor. I couldn't have never told you his name.
00:55:34
Speaker
Have you watched the Umbrella Academy? Yeah. So he is Reginald Hargreaves. Oh, no, I know. OK. Yeah. I had the the umbrella academy. Yeah. the tt like I just I know him from so many things. I just never would have pulled his name.
00:55:50
Speaker
He is a lot of this character. Like he always plays a very smarty farty guy. And basically they they teach him all about this face switching surgery. And he's like, yeah, I'm not fucking doing that.
00:56:04
Speaker
Dude, um John Travolta's taking hits in this movie as an actor. cause ah Well, first of all, we can get rid of these love handles so you look more like Nicolas Cage. Right? Let's get some of this shaved down. We can extend your penis. If where if this is going to be believable, you need more than two inches. Everybody knows Caster's penis.
00:56:24
Speaker
There was a bit of trivia that I read where he was like, he said, like, he asked the writers if they were making fun of him and the line where now, like when he, once he becomes Caster Troy, this ridiculous, he's like this ridiculous chin.
00:56:37
Speaker
And they were like, no, we're not making fun of you. It's that Caster Troy is so um conceited that he would think that anybody who doesn't look like him is lesser than him.
00:56:47
Speaker
You're making fun. They are making fun. They're making fun. Although it's it's a manly chin. I mean, he's got the little Gaston butt thing going on. Yeah. ah My buddy, Kirk Douglas, had that same butthole chin, and the apes didn't understand it. When they saw it, they wanted to wipe it.
00:57:07
Speaker
You know, when we were on Planet of the Apes, you damn dirty apes, and they were trying to wipe his chin like a butt. There is even one scene when he's talking to Pollux and he as Travolta, and Pollux is like, well, now I'm the handsome one. He's like, yeah, especially with this fucking chin.
00:57:24
Speaker
Oh, looks like I've got all the looks in the family now. I'm the good looking one, bro. But John Travolta changes his mind pretty quickly because they go and interview some cohorts of Caster Troy, Sasha and Dietrich Hassler, played by Sean. Welcome back to both.
00:57:45
Speaker
ah Yeah, because Gina Gershon is on this month's episode of Cop Rock, the Cocaine Mutiny. Yeah. Surprised to see her on that. And she'll be back in the future because she's in Red Heat and Showgirls and Driven and Borderlands. And then Cassavetes was Blind Fury.
00:58:01
Speaker
Yes. Cassavetes. Nick Cassavetes was in Blind Fury. He's also in The Wraith. So he'll be back again. I love him in this movie. Like this was is awesome. People, people that just now know me know the long hair.
00:58:15
Speaker
i had a shaved head and big earrings for a long time because of this role. I'm not, I have a clip for later. i was going to try not to play the clip, but it's got him in the clip. So I'm going to pull it up and show him.
00:58:30
Speaker
But anyway, you already know what that was. That was my look. Do you know who could play him that I would fucking love? who Joey Pants. Too small. And I don't mean that in the sense of height. I just mean Joey Pants needs to be like the neurotic cop or a Weasley. This guy, this guy's a- Think of in Matrix, dude. Yeah, Weasley.
00:58:55
Speaker
He's Weasley's fucking matrix. That's why he's a fucking lousy snitch. But like they're questioning those guys. And the the big thing here is like Dietrich is not not giving Archer any information. but Hey, yeah like how's your dad's son?
00:59:12
Speaker
And he just fucking puts this pistol in his eye socket. And he's like, oh, you know what? I did hear something. Something about the 18th. By the way, I was joking around the whole dead son thing. Like, don't take it so personally. I was fucking having a goop, man. I don't know if I got to put a gun on my fucking eye.
00:59:27
Speaker
We do have one thing we have to set up because it's it's an important thing for later in the movie. It's the kind of the dumbest thing that ties everything together, which is that when John Travolta is talking to those that he loves,
00:59:39
Speaker
He strokes their face, the face waterfall, which we've talked about before. Like don't fucking touch me, man. Don't touch me like that either. well And the wife does it to him first. And he even looks like John Travolta, the actor looks uncomfortable. She like goes in and he's like, Oh, look, all three of us are wearing glasses right now. Like you just streaked up my glasses. Thank you. Thank you. No, sorry. When he does it at the end, him being John Travolta, when he says it to the end at the end for to his daughter, like he moves her lip In such a way that it's like, I don't think you're supposed to waterfall that deep, pal.
01:00:14
Speaker
Well, he'd already licked her in this movie. Pull up. Pull up. So we get the face-off surgery, the titular face-offing. Oh, boy. There were, like, at least three different things in the IMDb trivia that were, like, the only scene in the movie that doesn't have either John Travolta or Nicolas Cage is the is this scene because it has their dummies. And I was like, cool. Fuck off.
01:00:35
Speaker
Just fuck right off, please. I'm like, this trivia is so long. Stop putting stuff that was already in here in here. Yeah. do know that it actually wasn't nicholas cage yeah i can see it's a fucking dummy you don't i saw those dummies they look like dummies yeah a really sickly one too yeah i like it i like it it's supposed to be dead supposedly or yeah nearly dead one that or comatose yeah john travolta's looks more dead than nick i was like sitting there mom huh is that what john travolta looks like without makeup
01:01:10
Speaker
Oh yeah probably They have this larynx microchip they put in him to change his voice And like all this sci-fi stuff is a little crazy for 1997 And I think this point we're used to crazy shit Because we've seen all these movies now But like apparently this movie was supposed to be set in the future And John Woo was like, no, make it today because it's crazier.
01:01:30
Speaker
And then we can focus on like the family drama and stuff. We don't have to worry about setting up future world. I'm fine with it. Like, especially I had no problem with it. But yeah, what is it? This surgery and the the the Magno boots like that's about it.
01:01:42
Speaker
Yeah, and I mean, it's believable. I could believe the FBI, CIA, some three-letter government chain has this capability. Oh, yeah. there's ah There's a TLA out there that's got this face swapping surgery that we know that we don't know about right now.
01:01:56
Speaker
Exactly. They actually turned um Osama bin Laden into a white dude. And he remember president named Trump. Trump. weird And they actually they did the face off thing. So they put Osama bin Laden's face on Donald Trump.
01:02:09
Speaker
Donald Trump's face on Osama bin Laden. Well, through Donald Trump into the ocean. They had to add bunch of love handles to Osama's body. and They're like, ah add on those things.
01:02:20
Speaker
More believable because Osama bin Laden was tall. And so is el Elon Musk. That's more believable. a And he's little crazy.
01:02:32
Speaker
He's dismantling us from the inside now. Yeah. So there's six days. Still on our payroll. There's six days until the bomb goes off. ah Now, Nick Cage.
01:02:44
Speaker
I'm just going to go with the actors now. I was trying to throw in some ah character names, but now it gets weird. No, no because it's it's we're swapping now. yeah And I want to talk about the actors. That's the easier way.
01:02:54
Speaker
Yeah, so now Cage as Archer or yeah, Cage as Archer as Troy goes to prison, goes to this Erewhon prison, who's just which which is an anagram of nowhere.
01:03:08
Speaker
oh yeah. Trivia. um Even though John Carroll Lynch, who shows up right here, literally says it. John Carroll Lynch, by the way, playing this guard. Huge character actor. Yeah. Welcome back. He was on.
01:03:19
Speaker
Oh, what do we have him on? Wait, no, he's not. Welcome back. We just talked about him. yeah He's also in Volcano, so he'll be back. he has a really He has one of the coolest deaths in cinema in the movie Volcano. Have you seen Volcano? Is is it better than... Oh, yeah. The Tommy Lee Jones one?
01:03:34
Speaker
Yes. Yeah, Tommy Lee Jones and maybe I want to say Anne Heche or I'm wrong. No, Anne Heche is Dante's peak. No, Anne Heche is Volcano.
01:03:45
Speaker
Okay, so Dante's peak is Pierce Brosnan and some other broad... Yeah, the John Carroll Lynch and that ah tries to jump off a thing, lands in some lava and gets melted. Fuck yeah, dude. Anakin style.
01:03:57
Speaker
Fuck yeah. And they have these magnetic boots that the prisoners wear so they can like lock them down and they look bo exactly like the Super Mario Brothers boots. These boots were not made for walking.
01:04:07
Speaker
No, oh these boots were not made for me. That's what they won't do. one of these days, these boots are going to just you know die on you. And we go into the prison and we meet Burke Hicks, who is played by Thomas Jane.
01:04:24
Speaker
It looks like Tom Jane. My screen name here, because we're watching it. And it was like the third time he showed up on screen. um yeah but He's like, he looks like Tom Jane. I'm like, that's because he is Tom Jane. But he does have curly ass hair, which is not a normal Tom Jane thing. It's an early Tom Jane, right?
01:04:41
Speaker
I think so. Yeah, I think so. I mean, my first awareness of him was probably ah Punisher or is he in the core? That's around the same time, though. Yeah, but i but maybe you're right. it's ah It's a different look for him because it's it's this not just curly hair.
01:04:57
Speaker
It's a big fucking quaff of it, and it looks great. And we have this other guy, Dubov, who will be important, played by Chris Bauer. He's the creepy. Turned to my wife and my sister into a sex sandwich.
01:05:10
Speaker
There was someone on my wife, something. It was your penis. I saw him there. there's you want to You were the rocket man. There's someone in my wife.
01:05:21
Speaker
Something. It's your jizz. He's the creepy guy that's on trial in Devil's Advocate. Yeah, he's the molester. Is he also... Welcome to the dollhouse.
01:05:33
Speaker
Is he yeah also in the True Blood show? I didn't watch True Blood. um He's in True Blood. He's in an episode of Nine-Nine. yeah He is an 8mm. He's in Thunderbolts.
01:05:49
Speaker
Oh, is he? Yeah. and Okay. Tom Jade is like, Hey, word was you got wasted. And so it's, it's a Nick cage, John Travolta pretending to be Nick cage, pretending to be John, whatever. It's his time to be like, okay, let's make people believe, especially Pollux that I am cast or Troy. I can't just step down.
01:06:06
Speaker
So he goes full manic and he has this smile and, Oh, let's see that. Wait, is it, it's not this one, but it's very similar to that smile. Well, okay. So this this is still Travolta trying to cage.
01:06:18
Speaker
This is a master class though, what he's about to do because he does, yes, him and Dubois, Dubois. Dubov. Dubov. Dubov. Him and Dubov start like scrapping it up and he's getting his ass kicked, but then he but then he fucking he owns it and he starts doing this like, ah ha, ha, ha, ha. Like Nicholas Cage is masterclassing how to manic.
01:06:45
Speaker
How to bipolar manic Because it goes from that Wide eyed celebratory Smile Into crying And it's so quick yeah it's it's full That's literally what my note says It's just like full manic yeah Because he's bawling his eyes out And then laughing and beating the shit out of this dude And screaming I'm Caster Troy am the greatest I the caster I am the caster I am the caster ah And I didn't know, by the way, until we I was reading the stuff that Castor was like Greek and it was a star and all that shit.
01:07:21
Speaker
i Every time I heard Castor Troy, I was like, I was like someone just a fan of like Southern hip hop because of i because of Pastor Troy. Which is probably off this. Are Castor Pollock twins?
01:07:34
Speaker
Yeah, they're their twin stars. Okay. Well, no, I'm saying the actors, the brothers. No, I don't think they're supposed to be twins. No, they're not twins in this, and I don't think they were twins in Greek. They were both from... There was a thing about in the trivia, and I didn't read the whole thing, but they both had the same mom, but they had different dads, and Castor was mortal, and Pollux was immortal because his dad was Zeus or something. So you got one that's more protector than the other one.
01:08:01
Speaker
Okay, that makes sense. um But meanwhile, Nicolas Cage wakes up in the hospital with no face. Oh, dude, that scream.
01:08:13
Speaker
I was just like, whoo. He's doing a good job trying to not use his lips when he talks. Yeah. Yeah. it Except when he's smoking. Because like, du how are you puffing that cigarette?
01:08:24
Speaker
Come on. That's what Whitney said. and I was like, it's just like this. you Come on. Skeletor. I'm getting a lot of oxygen with this hit.
01:08:39
Speaker
Can't even breathe that much oxygen without smoking. yeah I want more Nicolas Cage and John Woo movies. Yes. Because they both get it.
01:08:51
Speaker
They both understand what we want from them separately. we Yeah. Yeah. You know what we like about you. And ah Tommy Flanagan shows up because nick Nick Cage calls him. They bring in the doctor, Dr. Walsh, and we get one of the ah signature John Woo shots of people reflected in other people's.
Nick Cage's Prison Struggles and Humor
01:09:11
Speaker
Usually it's sunglasses.
01:09:12
Speaker
Yeah. But it's the in this case, it's the only way of showing the really brutal, gross face, I guess, without getting into 17. Yeah, you see a little bit of it from um like peripherals and shit right before that cut. Yeah, I never noticed that before, like the little quick shots.
01:09:28
Speaker
But they don't stay on it. And I wonder if they're just like not in love with the makeup. This whole thing is shot like a fucking monster movie, though. It's a lot of shadows and Nick Cage hunched over screaming and just like it's it's a horror movie for about four and a half minutes.
01:09:44
Speaker
Yeah. um And then back at the prison, it's ah Nick Cage trying to ingratiate him. with Other Nick Cage trying to ingratiate himself because we still have a Nick Cage on the other side.
01:09:58
Speaker
ah Trying to ingratiate himself with his nick cages face. Yeah. And he's like, dude, you're so paranoid. Aren't they giving your medication? And he's like, because he's already because he what is paranoid. and Yeah. What is my medication?
01:10:11
Speaker
And then he's like, dude, I know what it is. It's fucking black ah like a blick a ball or whatever. He says. Valix. Valtex Yeah it's a V with an X somewhere in there Valtrex it's for your herpes tres I have hand fed you Valtrex ever since you fucked that prostitute without a condom By the way paranoid I told you to not fuck that bitch with a condom Who told you to wrap it up I did Now you have Valtrex I have to hand feed you bro But like Pollux gives up the goat really quickly here. Like if this had if Nick Cage hadn't woken up, this would have been like the smoothest, most expensive operation in American history. Absolutely. So smooth.
01:10:55
Speaker
He's like, that bomb was great, dude. It belongs in the Louvre. Well, I guess the l L.A. Convention Center will have to do. Well, fuck you, idiot. Thanks, pussy. doses you're so pathetic but then it's like oh by the way castor you have a visitor and in comes john travolta and castor fucking nick cage is like what the fuck dude yeah this can't be good yeah well fuck and we don't see it really but they quick flashes to he just my first
01:11:26
Speaker
He burnt all three people who know that this happened. Yeah, the only three people. I mean, there were other surgeons there. They were like assisting doctors and stuff. And I only saw the three people in the flashback, but maybe they all went into hiding. i don't know.
01:11:38
Speaker
All they said was that it was a ah fatal fire. So maybe maybe he did burn them all. We just saw these guys. They were the ones tied up and covered in gasoline. He wanted to make sure they were gone. Yeah. the rest those other guys Those other guys didn't have names. They didn't have the names of who they were surgerying.
01:11:53
Speaker
Production forgot who they had that day. they're like, what are those extras names? I don't know. You know what? Fuck it. Who cares? And we get one of the big lines from this was Travolta looking at Cage. He's like, it's like looking in a mirror, only not Ooh, there's someone in my face. Someone.
01:12:12
Speaker
i think we, I think you actually, Derek said, maybe Whitney did sent me the real, or the, the image or the Derek did of ah die.
01:12:23
Speaker
like, it is John Travolta's like, so that was fun. And he's like, well, I got to get out of here. I've got a government job to abuse and a lonely wife to fuck.
01:12:34
Speaker
yeah but She hasn't had an orgasm since. When did I kill your son? Since then. September 24th, 1991. Last time your wife had an orgasm. It's on your son's tombstone. I mean, it says in her diary, it's been two months since we've made love.
01:12:51
Speaker
Yeah, but it's been 10 years since she had an orgasm. There you go. I only remember the date because it was in the IMDb trivia and it was like, that's the same day that out Nirvana's album Nevermind was released.
01:13:03
Speaker
but That's why he didn't fuck her. He was so busy. He's like, dude, babe, Nirvana, this new band, bangers. He's like, I really love the music, but I have listen to it a lot to understand anything this guy is saying. I don't know.
01:13:17
Speaker
My mosquito. i am a libido. ah So then we get seductive Cage Volta, like trying to get with Joan Allen, and then she goes to work and he's trying to get with his own daughter.
01:13:33
Speaker
question mark. He's a brand bag, dude. I mean, he does got a brand new bag. It's Nick Cage's bag. Yeah. He's only got his dad's face, her dad's face, not his balls. And we already saw Nicholas Cage groping a, uh, what I still think, I know what you guys say on underage choir girl.
01:13:50
Speaker
I read in the trivia that Nick cage almost didn't take this because he wasn't thrilled about the idea of playing the bad guy. And then he found out that he's only playing the bad guy for a short amount of time. And I was like, well, technicalities, Nick technicalities like, yeah,
01:14:07
Speaker
ah Also, what do you have against playing a bad guy, Nick? You're good at it. I mean, I think at the time he was on the rise, you know, so he didn't want to. He didn't want to get typecast. You don't play a villain while you're that level of star, generally speaking. So it's Gary Oldman.
01:14:24
Speaker
Well, Gary Oldman's an exception to every rule. Gary Oldman. Yeah, he's acting. You know what? you Would you be shocked right now if I rip my face off and Gary Oldman was on this podcast? No. funny because I was waiting for you to say something nice about Gary Oldman and I was going to go, gotcha. Gotcha.
01:14:40
Speaker
ah He's that good people. he is that good. But so we find out Pollux is getting released from prison because John Travolta made a deal with him.
Travolta's Schemes and Mimicry
01:14:49
Speaker
And Nick Cage has this freak out like I'm Sean Archer. There's a bomb at the convention center.
01:14:54
Speaker
And John Carroll Lynch just kicks him out. and He's like, no, get down in your basement cage. Weirdo. Look at it from this guard's point of view. The one of the most wanted villains in America is like, hey, I'm actually the guy that caught me.
01:15:07
Speaker
Look at him up there. That's me. I'm him. Shut the fuck up. ah his He snapped quick. Wow. He's barely been in there. He's had very minimal anal torture like some, but not a lot. i mean, like my prison standards, he's had it pretty easy.
01:15:23
Speaker
We haven't even electrocuted his brain yet. Right. Not one person has put car batteries up to his balls. I don't know what he's fucking freaking out about. Like one of the big things that should have called attention to the change here, or at least that something was going on.
01:15:38
Speaker
ah John Travolta gets back to the office and everybody's like, holy shit, dude, I'm really sorry. Tito died because he's like your best friend. And he's like, yeah, shit happens. Because earlier when they were all celebrating him catching Nick Cage, he was like, who's celebrating?
01:15:51
Speaker
Is it fucking... Pixel dust or whatever. I want to bring it up because there's will one name. winter There's one name that always made me laugh because he says names like Williams, Winters, and he pauses.
01:16:04
Speaker
Pincus. And I just, got as a as a child, I laughed. i'm like, Pincus? ah Somebody wrote Pincus? We're going to have John Travolta say the words Pincus?
01:16:15
Speaker
yeah communist and repeat Is actually a character name on an FBI show. Oh, Pincus is a name that actually exists. You still have John Travolta say it.
01:16:27
Speaker
Pincus? Pincus? He made this deal. and We know it's to get his brother out. And he goes in. He's like, hey... just confess the location of the bomb. I'll be an American hero. Skip a step.
01:16:38
Speaker
We get rich. so Okay. Like I didn't understand that first to get $10 million, dollars but because they can't get the $10 million, dollars if he's, if, if John Travolta is a hero, something, something they have money.
01:16:51
Speaker
So, okay. So I didn't understand it at first because what you're saying, I was like, what $10 million dollars is worth more than you beat on time magazine. I mean, it is because you don't get paid for that. It is. Exactly.
01:17:04
Speaker
But later in the movie at one point, and he's telling him, he's like, hey, once we once we use the government ah to eliminate all of our competitors, all of our rivals, we're fucking good. So that's what he means. Oh, yeah. Okay. all right that's what he means it's much later than movie it comes up but he yeah he's like dude we're gonna use we have a government blanket protection because we're heroes or i am you're you're fucking nothing yeah and we're gonna you yeah we are about to have a fucking american sponsored cartel which that doesn't exist sure no no contra but we get uh we get
01:17:48
Speaker
We get one of the best moments of Travolta caging is when he goes like they they're disar trying to disarm this bomb. They're like, we don't have time. It's going to take hours and we only have seconds. And he's like, all right, everybody get out of here.
01:18:00
Speaker
And he like does this little dance and like sings a song and goes up to disarm the bomb and stuff. And he's doing his full cage. And I had read that like they spent two or three weeks hanging out with each other to basically learn each other's mannerisms.
01:18:12
Speaker
So that they could play each other. Just before this, ah in the prison, we say, ooh, wee, you good looking. Yeah. That's not a fucking Travolta.
01:18:23
Speaker
No, that's definitely Kate. Have you seen Saturday Night Fever? It kind of is. When they are in the same room together, like as each other, i think, I'm sure it was like a couple rehearsals before an actual take.
01:18:38
Speaker
And be like, this is how I would do it. Just to like reaffirm. It's when they're separate. I'd have noticed Travolta is not as good as trying to cage out. But Cage is really good at acting like a pussy sometimes. Cage is the better actor. himself Yeah, Cage is the better is better actor. That's what it is. John Travolta has good movies.
01:18:58
Speaker
But he's not a good actor. Well, he's not a great actor. He gets it. Like, he lets go. John Travolta doesn't have balls. Like he has baby blue eyes and a fucking butt chin. That's that's John Travolta cage.
01:19:11
Speaker
Yes, there's some Nepo there. That's fine. But it's a good Nepo. Like, he I mean, it wasn't. But he found himself. Yes. he He got small roles like early on from Nepoing. He didn't. get to go and direct a movie like destry spielberg he's he dude he fucking blanketed his shit like nicholas cage with his roles is like a frat boy trying to have sex in a saturday he's gonna hit on every girl and he's eventually gonna find one that's actually good well especially once he went got into his uh real estate financial troubles yeah uh was that before yeah after marrying the king's daughter
01:19:52
Speaker
I don't, I'm not sure, but like, Oh, we get a bit of a Elvis reference in this way earlier when he did the experimental engine heads up. Looks like Elvis left the building. Yeah.
01:20:03
Speaker
Like I was looking at my, uh, 365 days of cage list last night and I was like, how many movies do I have left from each like decade? It was like the eighties. had seven nineties, nine, two thousands, 14, 28. And watched bunch from that era.
01:20:20
Speaker
from that era so That's a deep that's a deep and fucking era deep catalog. That's when he was just taking anything like you said. I mean like I mentioned earlier Gina Gershon they're in a movie together called inconceivable which is conceivable you would hope but it was basically just a really bad lifetime movie but with good actors.
01:20:41
Speaker
Like, I'd rather watch. I don't understand what that means. I'd rather watch a bad lifetime movie with like dead eyed Canadian actors than a bad lifetime movie with like Nick Cage and Gina Gershon. Oh, yeah.
01:20:52
Speaker
OK, now I get what you mean. Yeah, no. Well explained. Thank you. He starts asking Tom Jane about it if there's any way to break out of prison. And he's like, no way. and like what how can i get my boots off only in the clinic so he goes up to this guard and attacks him for cigarettes his plan is so stupid by the way and his plan is so many things depending on luck and that's yeah fine i'm not i'm not trying to trash in this movie because i still i'm going to watch this movie probably seven months from now dude Like someone's going to suggest it. I'm like, yeah, put it on.
01:21:27
Speaker
Like he gets taken into the room where they do these like shock treatments on people. Duboff is in there getting shocked so much. He's vomiting on himself. but Wouldn't you think like, they like, cause he's like, they only take the boots off when they fry your skull sounds like death.
01:21:42
Speaker
Yeah. But it's not, it's like, no, they're just trying to electronically lobotomize you. Yeah, they they fry you into Catatonia. But like the only reason this works is because somehow the Tonya sounds like a terribly awesome destination.
01:21:57
Speaker
Just so mediocre. Like, just welcome to Catatonia. What's good here? Nothing, but nothing's bad. There's also but there's everything. is Okay. Yeah, everything's okay.
01:22:10
Speaker
But like Dubov is laying on the ground like like Catatonic. and they strap nick cage in and he's like i didn't touch your wife and sister like so fucking let's get the fuck out of here and suddenly this dude just hops up and starts beating the shit out of these people and it's a big prison break scene um i do really love when nick cage tosses this now they are he probably stole some boots she was but like where do you get his shoes because on the rooftop he has shoes Oh, from a guard.
01:22:40
Speaker
Yeah. Because Duvet. He had seen Die Hard and he's like, I'm not doing that. Uncle Uncle fucking Duvet over there. He did kill some prison guards and now they got the feet they don't need.
01:22:53
Speaker
They don't need their feet if they're dead. He tries to save Duvav. Well, yeah, i I'm going with Uncle Duvet from. I love it. yeah there i know but um wo But I really like the part Nick Cage tosses this for some reason, giant glass jar of sulfuric acid at these guards and shoots it, dude. It just melts these dudes. I mean, makes no sense, but I love it.
01:23:15
Speaker
Yeah. Why is that in this room? I don't know. Is it cool? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's the schlock and load part of this episode. Exactly. If it's, if it's cool enough, the logic doesn't matter.
01:23:26
Speaker
Well, speaking of logic, not mattering, Nick cage gets to the control room and types so fast that he makes the prison catch on fire.
01:23:38
Speaker
All right, i I'll have a plan. If I just type really fast, QWERTY, I know the QWERTY system. If I just type it real fast, Pilgrim, then the whole system's going to burn down.
01:23:49
Speaker
Hey, Duve, we're not killing anybody, Pilgrim. Look at me. I'm going to shake my head, and your simple ass is going to understand don't kill any those prison guards, even though when you throw him off the railing, he doesn't die, but those prisoners down there are going to kill him.
01:24:06
Speaker
And for those listening and not watching, we've mentioned it before, but Whitney has a whiteboard where she holds up impressions for Jack to do. I miss Jean-Claude Van Damme. So that way, but this way people aren't like, why was he in the middle of doing one and then just switch to another?
01:24:24
Speaker
Because two of the three people here have diagnosed ADHD and the other person never tested. know, I've never tested. mean You don't have it.
01:24:36
Speaker
Ooh, squirrel. So, yeah, they're they're getting out there. When he when he types the prison and on fire, a riot breaks out. Yeah.
Cage's Escape and Identity Challenges
01:24:46
Speaker
I don't know, dude. He was writing the script. He's typing so fast. we writing this But we have not set up that Sean Archer knows a goddamn thing about computers.
01:24:54
Speaker
I know. it's just He's confused by goth makeup. He's confused by goth makeup. He doesn't know what a computer Because he has Asperger's. He's really smart. He knows all kinds of shit except for human emotion.
01:25:07
Speaker
Exactly. So a riot breaks out. ah Duboff does end up falling to his death and he does try to save him. He does try to save him. he's Sean Archer. He's a good guy now. Yeah. And this guy believes him when he says, i didn't bang your sister wife.
01:25:21
Speaker
He believes him. Oh, it wasn't really a threesome. It's that this guy is Mormon. Yeah, exactly. um But he escapes only to find that this prison is on a floating oil rig and he's fucked.
01:25:35
Speaker
Well, luckily you got Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck on the one rig over and they're going to the moon over in a fucking Armageddon.
01:25:44
Speaker
And this chopper comes up and there's a whole like shootout with a chopper. Schwarzenegger. But like some. So I was get away from the chopper. We just watched this movie when I got this 4K last year or whenever it was.
01:25:57
Speaker
And I was like, OK, so he's going to jump on the chopper and take it. No, he just jumps into the ocean, which is what he was just despairing that he couldn't do. And still somehow makes it.
01:26:07
Speaker
I mean, the shore isn't that far away, but this is still like a solid Alcatraz distance. There were some other boats out there. I was going to mention Alcatraz. it it just it's It's so funny that he did this, and then um Margaret Cho, is that the actress's name?
01:26:20
Speaker
Yeah. Like her and all the feds like, he's dead, dude. He jumped off the oil rig and fucking... Cage Volta knows he's like, show me his fucking body.
01:26:32
Speaker
I want to see it. He's like, Osama bin Laden. I don't believe it. If you tell me that Osama bin Laden's dead, I'm going to tell you he's going to run for president in 2024. That's that's ah Travopola, by the way. Cage Volta is Cage and Travopola is Travopola. Oh, my God. Because he's a Coppola.
01:26:52
Speaker
I have had no capacity for this. Right? But, yeah, like he's already here. So, like, ah Nick Cage does get to mainland. He calls Eve.
01:27:02
Speaker
The man you think your husband isn't. Leave me alone, please. Goodbye. Prank caller, prank caller.
01:27:11
Speaker
Prank caller, prank caller. um Give me my little black medical book. see You know what they call facelift in France? Facelift with cheese.
01:27:24
Speaker
Le facelift Le facelift But he tries dick he tries to call Lazaro And Travolta enters answers So he ends up going to Dietrich and but he but he also But he also calls himself out Because like who is this And he's like you know Well yeah he says Travolta answers the phone This is Sean Archer And he's like well if you're Sean Archer Then I guess I'm Caster Troy Click Because obviously Travolta knew he was going to try to call.
01:27:54
Speaker
Well, because he was trying to get to lasagna. And hear I love lasagna. Dude, if his name is lasagna, this heart attack makes a lot more sense. Why do you think I went there?
01:28:07
Speaker
I've got ricotta in my lung in my half veins. Four cheeses a day for the last 58 years. i have four cheeses a day. i just went to the doctor and he said my arteries are clogged with ricotta.
01:28:21
Speaker
You got that much of doubt. You're going to guess what he told me. You're going to die.
01:28:28
Speaker
ah But so he goes to Dietrich, who has the great line. What's the matter with you? You look like you just fucked your mother. i well i that lying i don't know what that means, but well he know he follows it up with like, you got to relax, man. You look tense.
01:28:42
Speaker
Yeah, so he gives him his big gold guns. He says mezcal, doesn't he? Yeah, there's mezcal, which is just... But it's not just mezcal. Well, that's what he puts in the... No, mezcal is the tequila.
01:28:53
Speaker
Oh, but what is he putting? He's breaking open a capsule. I don't know what he puts in there, but want it. pill. It's a blue pill that ain't Viagra. I do want it. You don't? I do. okay. Thank God. but i thought that's i Dude, I going to make a new fucking podcast friend friend right now.
01:29:08
Speaker
And I love the the thing where he's like, the code for his alarm is his dead son's birthday. How do you know so much? I sleep with his wife. And they're all just losing their shit. One more lesson on fucking manic bipolar.
01:29:20
Speaker
Because he's like, I sleep with his wife, cry face.
01:29:24
Speaker
But then we get... Probably the most quoted part of this movie, at least for this group of people. Yeah, for us. um it i'll I'll give you the beginning, but then I have the rest of it as a clip.
01:29:35
Speaker
um It's a very long scene, so I cut out the first part because it it adds a lot to it. But they're like, well, what do you want to do once we get to the super cop? Do you want to get out of town? He's like, no, we're not going to get out of town. We're to kill Sean Archer.
01:29:48
Speaker
I'm like, but we're going to get this guy at his house where he's fucking vulnerable. And this guy that looks kind of like Fred Savage is like, what do we do when we catch Supercop? And he's like, want to take his face off.
01:30:01
Speaker
And then we get this clip, which is just. Just watch. We can talk on it, too. But yeah. Face. Yes. His face. Oh. ae This is like me trying to explain shit on mushrooms.
01:30:19
Speaker
um and know And this is anybody listening to me. Who's also on mushrooms, though.
01:30:26
Speaker
Look at Fred Savage.
01:30:30
Speaker
And then this is the best part right here. Plop. No more drugs for that man.
01:30:40
Speaker
and I mean, here's the thing. Take the gun away from the guy and give him many more drugs. He has zero trigger discipline. I am fine with people having guns, guns and drugs, not good bedfellows.
01:30:52
Speaker
You have no trigger discipline whatsoever. After I take that fucking gold plated, it's some form of 1911. It's actually very similar. it doesn eagle They're not Desert Eagles. No, it's your 45s. I'm almost sure. Okay.
01:31:06
Speaker
It could be. Maybe they are. Derek and I are both like, it's a desert eagle. Let's watch a... um unbearable weight of massive talent because he talks about it in that i do want to i do want to say these are reminiscent and to me at least uh being a i don't know not even like fucking i'm an amateur gun enthusiast these are reminiscent of uh nothing amateur about you uh the guns from heat al pacino's fucking pearl hand ah his his ivory handle oh yeah yeah m1911s It's very similar. It's just much more gaudy, obviously. and know The thing about this scene that's weird is like like we're watching this movie.
01:31:45
Speaker
So the face off thing, we're like, oh, he's crazy. But like we get it. It makes perfect sense within the context of the world. Now think about if you're just hanging out with your criminal friend, you give him some drugs and he's like, I want to get this guy.
01:32:00
Speaker
Okay. then why I want to take his face off his eyes, his nose, the whole thing. I want to take it off. What are you going to do with it What? You want to take his face? They don't know they're in a movie called Face Slash Off. it doesn't it doesn't It doesn't surprise me one bit that these guys would just be like, this is Caster on some drugs.
01:32:25
Speaker
like human He doesn't say he wants to replace his face with his face. He's like, i just want to skin him. um also I just want to skin this dude. Start at the face.
01:32:36
Speaker
We're going to skin him. This is after Casar's been in a coma and then also been to prison and then likelihood had to swim to
Movie Title Origin and Moral Complexities
01:32:43
Speaker
shore. So he's a little dehydrated, little fucked off.
01:32:46
Speaker
He shows up dehydrated and you're like, you want some tequila and drugs? And he's like, yeah, that'll that'll get me going. Let's do it. Dude, if I ever show up to anybody's house and I need a drink, mezcal and mescaline, please.
01:32:59
Speaker
Mescaline. That's probably what it is. awesome This is mushrooms and roofies mixed together, which I just thought of. And so i mentioned the slash in the title, right? Face slash off.
01:33:14
Speaker
which you see here. um Apparently the studio wanted John Woo to change gets rid of the slash because they were like people are going to be confused about why that's there. He wanted it for the exclusive reason that he didn't want people to think it was a hockey movie.
01:33:29
Speaker
Oh, see, that's fine. I like it was a hockey movie. Yeah, I'm definitely fine with the slash because you know what I didn't know was a hockey movie. Was it Sudden Death? Is that the one? With Jean-Claude Van Damme? Yeah.
01:33:42
Speaker
I didn't know that was a hockey movie. I'm going to have a puck drop off during Face Off, and then the rest of the movie doesn't matter because we already named the title. It's not a hockey movie. It's a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, but it takes place in. Yeah, as you say, it's a Jean-Claude. It's a JCVD in a hockey movie.
01:33:59
Speaker
It's JCVD doing hard die hard at a hockey game. He stumbles into the bathroom on drugs, sees his face in the mirror, has a freak out. And that's yeah, that's this one, right?
01:34:10
Speaker
Yeah. When he sees Gina, I love I've made that face so many times.
01:34:17
Speaker
It's reminiscent of the why spinach in my teeth. It's reminiscent of the Jack Nicholson in anger management. Is that the one? right yeah
01:34:29
Speaker
Why wasn't Jack Nicholson up for one of the partnerships in this? Who could play him? He was too old. Who's going who's going to pretend to be Jackie Nix?
01:34:40
Speaker
ah Age age. Oh, Gary. Dennis Hopper. Oh, wait. What did you say? Whitney? Kirk Douglas. Kirk Douglas. You keep saying Kirk Douglas. Kirk Douglas was in his like 90s. I don't love that. I don't love that. What did you say, Derek? Dennis Hopper.
01:34:56
Speaker
Much better. ah Closer in age. Yeah. It'd be an older face off. But Kiefer Sutherland. Donald Sutherland.
01:35:05
Speaker
keifer and donald keifer and donald i loved you in uh the invasion of the body snatchers i loved you in forsaken western they're both in together surprisingly they play father son what it's believable Gina Gershon comes in, knocks his ass out.
01:35:25
Speaker
One slap. We go back to. He's on drugs, people. We go back to Travolta's house is where we have Danny Masterson. Danny Masterson playing Danny Masterson trying to rape this girl. Travolta comes out and beats the living fuck out of this underage kid, which is awesome. He stomps this fucking window and I swear to God, he grabs him by his head and pulls him out.
01:35:49
Speaker
He grabs him by that curly ass stupid hair. Yeah, he grabs him by like he like a fucking mama cat just grabs him by the fucking rough of the neck. I love it because even like uh caster troy's character now john travolta is like hey look you s seduce women you manipulate women you do not rape women yeah like we don't we because that's his whole thing is like dude if i let you suck my tongue would you be grateful he's never like hey but bitch get over here and suck my tongue yeah he's he's he's he's he's a bad guy but he's not a bad enough guy to rape we find out that's his go-to move because ah
01:36:28
Speaker
ah Gina Gershaw, he was says like, oh, you ever give me was let me suck your tongue. tia Hey, I'm here to King shame. It is. It is interesting. Like this movie is 1997 and John Travolta ah basically does like a.
01:36:45
Speaker
you were asking for it line kind of to his daughter. He's like, you dress up like Halloween and ghouls will try to get in your pants. And but she even said, though, she's like, so I get raped. I'm about to get raped right now and it's my fucking fault. Yeah. and She calls it out, which is why I appreciate this being 1997 and having that line where the the girl who was the victim bring back calls out that bullshit.
01:37:06
Speaker
Well, no, nobody did that in the 90s. That was the go-to believable thing was like, well, you were asking for it. Well, it's still today. Well, it is been now again. The was the height of like, well, look how you're dressed.
01:37:18
Speaker
I wouldn't say it still is. It was it is again. That was more in the Nineties, early nineties, later nineties. It was. Well, no, I guess you're right. In the 2000, 2010, 2000s, people started to understand that it's not the victim's fault.
01:37:33
Speaker
But then America fell back in time. Instead of teaching yeah women how to instead of teaching girls how to dress properly, how about you teach boys not to rape people? Yeah, I'm also going to do that and teach girls how to stab.
01:37:46
Speaker
Yeah, because he turns it around and he's like, okay, cool. Here's this knife. Oh, no, the way I'm sorry to interrupt you, but the way he does it, like, do you carry protection? Oh, you mean condoms? He's like, no. God, no.
01:37:58
Speaker
It's a slow mo. By the way, it's a slow mo of him on a butterfly because its a double edged butterfly knife. So it's not like he can do the little fucking trick. Oh, because you don't have that flat back. Because you don't have a flat back. Exactly. So like he did it and like the camera was like, slow it down so it looks cooler.
01:38:15
Speaker
But we get a Chekhov's butterfly knife here because he's like, if he if he tries the shit with you again, let him take his pants off, then stick it in his thigh and twist it so the wound won't close.
01:38:28
Speaker
And she is just looking at this thing like this is fucking my dad he is awesome. I'm actually looking forward to almost getting right by Dan. I wish a motherfucker would now. I want to call it Gorbachev's butterfly. He's got this sweet little so cigarette case now. yeah And he gives me knives and he licks me. Well, I don't like that part. I wanted to say, i well, he hasn't licked her yet. i just know I did want to say, like, how shitty is it that this pedophilic, perverted,
01:38:59
Speaker
version of your dad is still a better version of your dad. Right. What does that state about John Travolta that this fucking Nicolas Cage caster Troy is like, hey, look, I know i'm a serial killer and there's a bomb in the LA convention center, yada, yada.
01:39:14
Speaker
I don't want you to get raped. I do want to say he even points it out right here. He's like, so what's going on with you? You like this is after the whole like, ah just like you, dad, on brand. It's my fault. Yeah.
01:39:27
Speaker
You haven't been you since Mikey died. Why is Mike? Which makes her look at him. Oh, yeah. We see a Pollux watching Nick Cage with Gina Gershon.
01:39:38
Speaker
um i This is when... Looks like he's enjoying being you. Hey, bro. ah I'm watching you right now. Well, it's not you, but I'm watching you fuck your ex-girlfriend.
01:39:50
Speaker
She's not even sucking his tongue, dude. I know you don't like the performance, but his his weird little like weaselly like quiet person thing makes perfect sense as the counterpoint to Caster Troy. The quiet thing makes sense. I just i don't know why this rewatch...
01:40:07
Speaker
I fucking couldn't, I couldn't deal with him. I've never had that issue before. It was just last night. I'm watching him. i'm like, I wish it was, i and i wish it was almost anybody else, bro. You know what I'm saying? There was this time i couldn't tie my shoes and then I built this bomb for the LA convention center.
01:40:30
Speaker
It fucking belongs in the Louvre, but here you are feeding me, hand feeding me Veltrex because got those fucking warts on my dick, dude.
01:40:44
Speaker
would have loved Steve Zahn, his fucking other brother, dude. would love that shit. Dude, clap for Oh, that was phenomenal. Thank you. Steve Zahn always, man.
01:40:56
Speaker
ah We find out, though, that Gina Gershon's son is... Adam. Nick Cage's son also. And also, what a way, like, hey, I know that you're on a bunch of drugs and I has smacked you unconscious.
01:41:09
Speaker
This is your son. Well, also, the best way... ah These are nice clothes. Yeah, they're your clothes. I know. why They're nice, though. Hey, that's a nice-looking kid. Yeah, he's your kid. What? What?
01:41:21
Speaker
I didn't tell anybody Even Nick Cage, like for Caster Troy This would be news He didn't already know yeah So it's like ah that's that's how you're letting him know I just drank three straight glasses of mescalin I am so fried.
01:41:36
Speaker
The FBI full on assaults this place. um They throw the headphones on this kid so you can't hear the gunshots. This won't traumatize them. It's fine. I do like this. ah Well, I use this word juxtaposition, though.
01:41:49
Speaker
Like it's a needle drop here. whoa over over the rainbow yeah And actually, I read that John Woo really wanted to use that. And the studio was basically like, we're not we're not giving you any more money because that I'm sure it's not a cheap song.
01:42:05
Speaker
And so true he had to he basically gave the money up out of pocket because he was like, I want this song. Good for him. when And then because the the movie was such a fucking runaway success, they compensated him for the song and his normal compensation. Good, because it's like you have to let your fucking people in charge have their vision.
01:42:30
Speaker
Yeah. And this actually works. I know this is kind of like a little bit of a drawn out thing now, having this very soft,
Shootout Sequences and Emotional Sacrifices
01:42:39
Speaker
almost... um i fuck I don't know, like young kid song with a really traumatic gunshot ah gun battle.
01:42:49
Speaker
it's not and It's not old at this point in 97. This is fucking early for that shit. yeah I also, I was like, whenever that song plays, this kid is going to be triggered. Like in real life.
01:43:00
Speaker
Yeah, like there's like, hey, it's the 80th anniversary of Wizard of Oz. You want to go to the theater and see it? No. I wish flying monkeys were my only problem. I love when all this shit's getting shot up and this place is getting destroyed. And Dietrich is like, dude, my place is getting fucked up. Like, he's sad and excited at the same time. He's like, this is fucking kind of cool. You you are actively shooting cops with shotguns. Like, yo, du my place is getting fucked.
01:43:30
Speaker
We have other things to worry about right now. I'm about to lose my deposit. My landlord is going to be pissed.
01:43:39
Speaker
And one of these cops like corners ah Gina Gershon and the kid. And she kicks this dude. Fuck. Like, so earlier the kid was playing. I'm pretty sure it's fucking. It's improvised. It's Travolta.
01:43:52
Speaker
ah No, it's not Travolta because it's somebody with a they've got the wrap in the helmet. But earlier the kid was trying to play with Castor Troy's gun. His real gun. His real real ass 45.
01:44:04
Speaker
And she's like, don't play with those. They're dangerous. Or they're not fun or something like that. And then when this guy comes around the corner. don't ever want you play with those. Yeah, this guy comes around the corner and his gun's in their face and the kid reaches out for it. And and she kicks this cop in the nuts and she's like, I don't want you to play with those.
01:44:19
Speaker
They're dangerous. And also don't kick people. It's not nice. Yes. She's such a good mom. I mean, like, she's even telling Caster. She lives with her incestual fucking brother that sells drugs and bombs.
01:44:33
Speaker
What a good mother. She's trying to be a good mom for what she has, but, like, she even tells Caster, she's like, you need to get the fuck out. Do you think this kid was conceived during a threesome between Dietrich, her, and Caster? I don't have doubt my mind.
01:44:47
Speaker
So he's like a... ah Like a... like you Like in Twins when they made the baby from like a puddle of cum from a bunch of different people. Yeah. Better way to say that. But only one sperm. No, puddle of cum, dude. What's that famous puddle of cum? Yes, yes, puddle of She fucking hates me.
01:45:07
Speaker
She fucking fucks me. You know why she hates you? fucking clugs me. You know why she hates you? Because you and 10 of your friends jizzed in her. And she loves it. Look at Gina Gershon.
01:45:18
Speaker
have you seen showgirls oh yeah she looks like she's asking for it is that what you're saying no she looks like she enjoys a gangbang and at least in showgirls oh yeah in any paul verhoeven movie a snurfer lurker verkin birkin you love put some respect on paul verhoeven you love paul hoeven he shows tits like this every movie tits Not every. Well, no, you're right. You know what I've come to realize? who show me a fucking very I was about to say, there's no boobs in Starship Troopers. And i was like, oh, there are. oh there i wore out that
01:45:55
Speaker
Danny McBride loves to show dicks. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dicks all over the place. And I have no problem with that because I think tits have had their time. Like, I think it's fair. I think it's fair, dude. Like, the let's, yeah, let the girls have some fun. The guys we've had, we've had HBO and Skin and Max for fucking decades.
01:46:13
Speaker
Now, all of a sudden, it's like, ugh, there's dick on screen. Hey. Deal with it. Don't be jealous. Was it on Righteous Gemstones when he's walking by and he's like, hey, nice dick. Yeah. That's the episode we just watched last night where it's like Eli the maniac. Yeah, where fucking Eric Roberts shows up. Yeah. Eric fucking And i nearly pissed my pants. He did. I was looking down at my phone and I heard his voice and I was like, Eric Roberts. And he was like, you you you were looking at your phone. How'd you see him? i was like, didn't see him.
01:46:41
Speaker
He wasn't even on screen yet, though. that important to you. He said, as Derek said, Eric Roberts, it then showed him on the TV. ah Derek knew before the rest of America. Are you really Derek Roberts?
01:46:57
Speaker
Derek Roberts. lie It's French. It's Derek Roberts. Why do you think I watched all five of those stalked by my doctor's movies? Because you have no life. No, because Eric Roberts rules and I have no life.
01:47:11
Speaker
All right. Caveat. Eric Roberts does rule. but uh one of these dudes gets one of these oh it's uh dietrich he jumps out to save adam and gets shot in the neck and he's sitting there talking to nick cage and he's just like i love well like we've had a lot of fun bro first he's holding it and he talks to uh sasha and he's like you should probably get going i'll be okay and then takes his hand off and it's like squirty makes sporty He's like, we had some pretty fucking chill times, right? Are you still high? Because I know I'm bleeding right now, but cool I am ripped.
01:47:49
Speaker
This is a scene that I was saying that Travolta's character is the one that shot Diedrich because he was yeah Cage was going to shoot Sasha. Oh, yeah. yeah And so... but Yeah, Travolta's one that shoots Dietrich. He's not the one that gets kicked in the Dietrich. Yeah, yeah not the one that gets kicked in the Dietrich. Bad Volta right here, he's he will shoot his entire ex-crew.
01:48:09
Speaker
Which goes to point out, he doesn't care about any of you. Nobody. no Like, he's just like, hey, I'm Sean Archer now. You're bad guy. i kill you. That might be my son. I don't know.
01:48:21
Speaker
You know what? How did I get her pregnant? She only sucked my tongue. It's her brother's kid. It's kind of my... Dude, I bet you... this little fucking dead-eyed child. Maybe. Yeah.
01:48:33
Speaker
The way we were about to, we're Diedrich's dying, but when he grabs Sasha and he's like, just get yada yada. It is not a brother-sister smooch unless your last name is Skywalker. That is how I hug. That's how I kiss my husband goodbye.
01:48:51
Speaker
That's how you should kiss your husband. That's how you should kiss a Targaryen. That's how you did kiss a Skywalker. It's not how you should kiss a normal brother or sister. ah Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal don't kiss like this, dude. Yeah, her name is Sasha, not Sasha Lynn.
01:49:06
Speaker
love that name. um This is not how Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal kiss each other. This is how Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal each kissed Heath Ledger, but not each other.
01:49:21
Speaker
Sexy. Would you ever be in a fucking threesome with your sibling? It's disgusting. my sibling? God, no. Right? Tell me you wouldn't be in a threesome with other siblings. No kinkshame. Never mind. no I don't know. I got to see them.
01:49:35
Speaker
Would you want twins? I mean, if they're not touching, it's not that weird. Yeah, if they're not touching, that's not that weird. The twins thing doesn't do it for me. No, it is weird. It's all weird. Cut that entire part.
01:49:48
Speaker
I've never had sex. can make this get cut. you want me to say the words to make it get cut? I've never had sex, Whitney. I'm looking for Regal. Relicated. We get this full-on John Woo shootout. It's just Nick Cage and John Travolta at this point.
01:50:03
Speaker
And it's like this round room with mirrors on all these little angles. Travolta's running around the outside. Cage is just shooting through everything. It's fuck. If there was a dove here, this would be the ultimate woo. It was. This is woo as fuck.
01:50:18
Speaker
Yeah. And we this is another John Woo signature. The last thing that's left, the last mirror, they go back to back and they're talking to each other. And that we saw it in Hard Target.
01:50:28
Speaker
And we'll see it again. you You'll always Let's shoot each other. and Because in a Hard Target, it was in the warehouse, right? And then they turn around and start shooting at each other as they back away. that Yeah. Arnold Vosloo, Vizlu.
01:50:40
Speaker
Yeah. Arnold Vosloo and Van Damme. JCVD. Yeah. But I just like he's like, OK, something, something like we can you go with me and we can switch faces and this and that. And it's like, go fuck yourself. He's like all right, plan B. We just shoot each other.
01:50:56
Speaker
I accept your terms. And it's really cool because they turn around and what they're both seeing is a mirror reflection of the guy they want to shoot. Yup. I love it. So it's kind of like a, it's real deep, man. I mean, this, this movie does tackle it a bit, but it would be devastating to look in the mirror and see the person that killed your son.
01:51:19
Speaker
Yeah. I think oh yeah ah ah Troy Caster Troy's character would be like more okay. Cause he's just such a morally bankrupt human. He's more upset that he doesn't see his own beautiful visage. yeah yes He yeah loves himself, but he can get by by being John Travolta. Whereas opposed to the other way, he's like, ah, my wife won't fuck me.
01:51:41
Speaker
um I can't fuck my daughter. That's not part this thing, but you know, um, but there, in the midst of things cage gets up on the roof pollux is up there he kicks that dude through this glass ceiling and this guy loomis who i don't remember the actor's name i think i have it here he's in peace to you he's in uh i recognize him uh his name is matt ross i recognize him from american psycho he's one of the business card uh like finance bro yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
01:52:15
Speaker
ah But he he comes up, he's like, because Travolta's like crying over Pollux's body. He's like, why are you upset? It's just Pollux Troy. And he shoots the dude square in the middle of fucking head. There's going to some forensics.
01:52:27
Speaker
There's going be some forensics report, right? It's Pollux's hand that shoots him. he just It's because he's holding his brother's hand with the gun in it and like rubbing his face. And then he just. I think it is it's still his gun, though.
01:52:40
Speaker
It's his gun. Back at the precinct, John Travolta. it exacerbates this lasagna guy's heart attack. It looks like he's already having a heart attack. like yeah He's just standing there and he's like, he's pissed and he's yelling and he's like, oh man, I am slightly uncomfortable. I don't think you have to do anything but like maybe offer this guy some cheese whiz like it just just waiting. That's terrible with lasagna.
01:53:02
Speaker
Hitting him in the heart is disrupting the beats and so it would cause the heart. It gives him an extra little. No, I know it would. This guy's just like, hey, you have to calm down. You have to calm down. God, this is painful.
01:53:15
Speaker
Every time I yell at you, I think you need to come. ah Every time I yell, my left arm gets numb. Like this guy is on his way out. And John Trafford is like, Hmm. Speaking of no one's looking.
01:53:29
Speaker
Yeah. Like he does exasperate it, but like, I think he just, just give this guy a fucking cheese heavy dish and wait it out. Or a shot of whiskey. but yeah I got you a shot of whiskey and a ball of fried cheese. There we go. and so shot of Wait, did you say a shot of whiskey in a ball of fried cheese? I sure did.
01:53:48
Speaker
I sure did. ah ah but So Kate sneaks into his house. He sneaks into his house. He talks to Eve about how he he's basically recaps the movie for Eve.
01:53:59
Speaker
Don't look at me. I'm a monster. Hey, by the way, though, in case, audience, in case you weren't listening, this is what's been happening. oh Let me tell my wife. He goes full Phantom of the Opera, right?
01:54:11
Speaker
Yeah. No. i'm a monster. I'm not an animal. But the key thing here is that Travolta is blood type O. Castor Troy is blood type AB. b And there was something learned from the beginning. Something in the trivia I read was kind of stupid.
01:54:30
Speaker
Yeah. It's on the computers. Oh, OK. Well, he says it. He says, oh, does he say it? Yeah. The doctor says it. He's like the only thing. Well, he says that he's type O, but I don't. but the way makes sense That makes sense. I just I wouldn't. She when he said it to her, i was like, cool. Good to know.
01:54:43
Speaker
It was said earlier. Something we didn't delve ah deep into enough. the the voice recording it's fragile you have a microchip in your throat and it's fragile do we see the every one of these guys both of these guys throats get just fucking wrecked in a lot of scenes in the prison Nicolas Cage gets uh uh prison guarded in his throat uh old fucking uncle duvet fucking fucks his throat up But then conversely, he chokes out ah John Travolta. like these These microchips should be fried as yeah as as as delicate as what the doctor said. Yeah, because the doctor who said even ah ah like a particularly violent sneeze could break it.
01:55:25
Speaker
Okay. Violent sneeze, less than flashlight to the throat, right? Yeah. Just saying. yeah A violent sneeze is more... A flashlight to the throat could be soft and then just... Whitney, you don't have violent sneezes. You sound like a mouse farting.
01:55:41
Speaker
So you're out. You have no frame of reference. It's violent inside. You just don't hear it. You have no frame of reference for a violent sneeze, worked healthcare and food and beverage for most of my life. Disney farts are more violent than you.
01:55:55
Speaker
You hold that shit in. Well, now understand. Eve gets some of Travolta's blood and does the test. and Oh, the way she does it is awesome. What do you mean?
01:56:06
Speaker
She's like, I'm just reading a book. I have a pen in my hand for no reason. It's not a pen. Stab!
01:56:14
Speaker
ah At least make it a sex game. Oh, got called in. At least make it a sex game with this guy. You know what sounds sexy? Let me get a drop of your blood. Ooh.
01:56:25
Speaker
This character, like...
01:56:28
Speaker
You want a pint of my blood, you dirty girl? Yeah. Let's bleed. She verifies the blood type and Cage there to talk to her. And she's like, well, maybe Sean's archer maybe sean's already dead.
01:56:41
Speaker
And he paws her face. And she's like, oh, can't it must be you. Nobody else ever pawed anyone's face. yeah There's no way you could learn that from watching my family paw each other's face. But he does have the story of their first date and all this stuff. So she's convinced. And then ah the third act is showing up at Lasagna's funeral.
01:56:59
Speaker
ah You know, it's the third act because Cage comes walking in and there's a dove. Yeah, I was waiting. I've been waiting for this fucking dove. I was like, oh, the birds are finally here. The only John Woo movie we did, Hard Target, didn't have doves.
01:57:15
Speaker
It had pigeons because those are New Orleans doves. Yeah, same thing. Same thing. But he definitely went. I'm waiting to John Woo me. He went Doverboard on this one. Oh, I love that.
01:57:27
Speaker
Oh, because there's like. Thank you. I've learned from watching you. Golf clap for Whitney. Golf clap. Yeah. Cause he's walking in and there's doves flying around and like this church is full of doves. And I'm like, dude, close a door. trying to Jesus Christ. Okay. You might have to, I know that you liked like the nature thing, but there is going to be shit everywhere.
01:57:49
Speaker
There is going to be just white puddles all over. Talk about your pews. They were going to burn this place down anyway. Because I hate to spoil it for anybody, but doves are just pigeons and bird shit is still just bird shit. Yeah. so ah So what it is is, a dove is a pigeon that doesn't eat city food.
01:58:06
Speaker
So we have the eternal battle eternal battle between saint and sinner. And you're still not having any fun. You're still not having any fun. Another example of the best John Travolta is going to be is when he's caging.
01:58:20
Speaker
And only when he's caging in front of cage. ah No, because when he was dancing, it was pretty good. Agreed. But John Travolta can also fucking dance. That's true. Fucking shocker. What were his first three movies? ah Dance, dance to electric boogaloo and dance three dance harder.
01:58:39
Speaker
Yes. dance arix Dance hard with a vengeance.
01:58:45
Speaker
Dance harder with a vengeance. Hold me close, young tiny tap dancer.
01:58:54
Speaker
But yeah, they they have like this standoff and then Gina Gershon comes in and gives Nick cage, the upper hand. My favorite line. So I w I watched this growing up with my, both of my sisters and, um, are across the street, best friend, Alyssa.
01:59:10
Speaker
And there's one line coming up that we would repeat all the time. And it's John Travolta, Sasha, what the fuck are you doing here? The way that he says it is just like,
01:59:21
Speaker
what Sasha, what the fuck are you doing here? Well, I mean, it's also it's a cage thing, right? Because I mean, that's not. But also, she has no idea what's going on. So she's like, OK, Sean, I'm going. I'm going with the one guy that's been nice to me ever.
01:59:38
Speaker
He happens to look like Nicolas Cage. But this last day, i didn't have to suck his tongue at all. I don't like doing that. i watching him Why do you keep making me suck your tongue? I don't like no gratification out of that.
01:59:54
Speaker
But like she comes in and gives him the upper hand and then ah Tommy Flanagan and the other goon come in. can't think of the goon's name. is like Lewis or something. It doesn't matter. No, Loomis is the FBI dude. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Tom Flanagan, Tim Flanagan, whatever Flanagan or Flanagan. Oh, Flanagan. Senior Flanagan. Oh, by the way, we got a comment on our and or episode from our our royal viewer, B38. B38. She loved her Irish accents.
02:00:26
Speaker
Oh, is that right there? She loves me Irish accents. All of ours are just mine. She said your guys' Irish accents. Right then. So was all of ours. So she just loves bad Irish accents.
02:00:38
Speaker
So if she listens to this. No, it was on Andor. I know, but if she listens to this. She should watch the one with, what's that one with Tommy Lee Jones where he's an Irish bomber? Blown Away. Blown Away. Which is a fucking awesome movie. So we should fucking watch that sometime.
02:00:54
Speaker
Do a bunch of Irish accents into blowups. Oh, God, yeah. Big Bada Booms and Big Vada Vooms. That'll be one of the least understandable episodes ever. Oh, no, I listened. Before I joined this podcast, I listened to your guys' as so of the second Fantastic Four.
02:01:11
Speaker
That was... What's this fucking movie? it was That was very understandable. Who the fuck is a Galactus and why is he a fucking fart? The drunkest Whitney ever. f Lawrence Fishburne sounds like he was a guy that was born to fish. Let me tell you that he was born with a pole in the water and a banana in the armpit.
02:01:34
Speaker
That was about the time we started switching to Coors Light. Yeah. That was before I joined the podcast. Not today, triple IPA. so Oh, fuck. What am I drinking? It's black man. Triple IPA.
02:01:46
Speaker
ah tombs oh that don't That one's a double think. I don't know. It's delicious. It's resident culture. or Orchestrated. o want to orchestrated.
02:01:58
Speaker
but like so She gets shot fish and she's going to die and she's like take care of Adam and don't let him grow up to be like us. Promise me. He's like I'm not like you bitch and walks away. right i don't know you. He's top of him and his wife is just watching them like Oh, dude, evening hand even because now she's like, I don't like this, but I kind of like this.
02:02:20
Speaker
Joan Allen now knows that it's a switcheroo, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So when when so when Sasha comes up, she's like what's up, baby? She's like, excuse me. Excuse me. ah babe, it doesn't count. I have a different face. It doesn't matter. She thinks I'm someone else. He stopped.
02:02:40
Speaker
and i know We know that, but she doesn't. No, but that's the face. She's like, fuck, I hope that he's been banging this chick because then I have some ammunition. If he hasn't been banging this hot ass fucking ah Sasha. The sexiest Gina has ever been.
02:02:56
Speaker
Showgirls. Yeah. Showgirls. All I remember is the stupid pool sex scene from Showgirls. Dude, we're going to do Showgirls. ah He's grabbing it right now. on Can we have Mrs. Bleep on? Yeah, we have to.
02:03:11
Speaker
i refuse though i refuse to talk about that movie with matt without Mrs. Bleep. But yeah, she dies. This is more shootout. ah Jamie shows up. un unnecessar unnecessar Before Jamie shows up, I have to... Unnecessary flips that I love.
02:03:27
Speaker
Yeah, Nick Cage is doing this thing like like instead of just like walking to my right. Let me under flip jump. Somersault still gotcha.
02:03:37
Speaker
ah You have to. It doesn't count unless you yell barrel roll, though. Barrel roll. I'm attached to headphones. It counts. All right. Lumas gets a new year. i get a new year. Nice. And don't forget Pincus.
02:03:54
Speaker
pink Oh, Pincus is dead. Pincus. Pincus is dead, baby. Pincus is dead. Who's Pincus, baby? Who the fuck is Pinkus?
02:04:06
Speaker
I thought his name was Pinkus. His name isn't Pinkus? Jamie shows up and has them at gunpoint and it's the whole like, he's the evil twin, I'm the evil twin thing. But she's she has no idea what's going on so she's like, I don't know.
02:04:17
Speaker
not going to shoot my dad. Listen to my voice. No, trust your eyes. What sounds more probable? He's like, he's like and no that was just talking to the wife never mind he's like don't look at my face also don't listen to my voice yeah so but at this point here his yeah at this point he's trivulet but it's also finally look at her look at this fucking chick she's like i don't fucking know man this is all absurd this whole thing is absurd i'm gonna shoot the guy that doesn't look like my dad well i know what you're gonna say wife Let's get right. What happens right before it, before you say the greatest line that you love? no, no.
02:04:52
Speaker
Oh, that's not you were saying? That's not what I was going to say. I was going to say at this point, John Travolta in cage, he sees her and he's like,
02:05:04
Speaker
Because she's not all gothed out. She's all pretty preppy girl. She's like perfect FBI daughter. yeah and he just like has that look of, oh my God, you look so beautiful. I'm so proud of my daughter.
02:05:17
Speaker
and then she shoots him in the fucking shoulder. You don't look like a shitty goth kid that no one could possibly love. All right, juggle it. oh And also, not no daughter of mine would ever shoot that fucking wide.
02:05:32
Speaker
right Yeah, because she shoots Cage. He's pissed. Travolta's pissed because she didn't kill him. And so he takes her hostage, says that, licks her in the face.
02:05:43
Speaker
And it's like, okay, so this isn't my dad. it Turns out Cage with dad's voice was telling the truth. I shot the wrong guy. Cast her dead. I should have shot the guy that was about to lick me. But Chekhov's switchblade because she fucking stabs him in the thigh. Twist that shit.
02:06:02
Speaker
And she does the whole fucking like drop it down, pick up the thing. Whap. It goes whap. And then oh after after she figures out that that's not her dad and whatever, they run off to do their boat chase, which we'll have a debate about here shortly.
02:06:19
Speaker
But Jamie embraces her mom and says Whitney's favorite fucking line. What planet are we on right now? It is a wonderful reaction to finding out that the guy who killed your brother has your dad's face and your dad has his face.
02:06:39
Speaker
And you just shot your dad while the guy who killed your brother licked you. It's exactly what our daughter would say today in this situation. Our daughter is... And I agree with that, but it's also such a 90s line.
02:06:52
Speaker
What planet am I on right now? i What do you think Zoe would say? Like, what fucking universe is this? Better. That's more 2000s. She'd pick that gun up and start shooting the guy who just licked her face. It doesn't matter what your face looked like.
02:07:07
Speaker
you just licked her face. You're dead. Also, she wouldn't have shoved the knife in his thigh. She would have gone straight for the groin or that fucking like... You're not going to bleed out as fast in the growing. Yeah, I think she would have gone to the ephemeral.
02:07:20
Speaker
Yeah. Because that's what she was just taught. like if you Because if you stab him in the dick, he might bleed out eventually. He probably will. If he licked you and he's got a heart on, all the blood is rushing there. If Brooklyn Nine-Nine taught me anything and it did, that a man without a penis can run for miles.
02:07:38
Speaker
But yeah, they so they they go off on a chase. This should be the end of the movie. I'm so sorry. Before we get to the argument, this should be... She stabs him into the leg and he does like a... ah And Nicolas Cage just fucking lights him up. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.
02:07:54
Speaker
We're done. End of the movie. Face waterfalls all around. And this movie would be... a full star less cool than it is husband likes the boat choice this boat chase is fucking awesome so and we talked about we talked about this boat chase on hard target because it was supposed to be in hard target and it got cut for budgetary reasons so john woo was like i'm doing a boat chase for no reason i want to hear he has to say okay Has nobody bitched about how they can all drive a plane, apparently, and a helicopter and a Hummer and boats?
02:08:34
Speaker
Like, everybody can just know how to drive anything at this point? That's all pretty much the same. It's Driving a boat is... Nicolas Cage can't fly a plane. He can do a hanger. you know what? to Yeah, you pull back the big thing that's pushed forward. Yeah, that he definite ah he pulled a different lever. No, he pulled it at the last second. So that's why I said no matter what he never what he did was wrong because he still crashed like a motherfucker.
02:08:59
Speaker
Have you seen Broken Arrow? I'm pretty sure he flew a helicopter. no I'm not never seen that movie. ah He's in one. We definitely watched it. like ah You're talking about the one with Christian Slater? Yeah.
02:09:11
Speaker
Yeah, never seen it. Oh, okay. It's funny, actually. We watched Broken Arrow because I was really excited about my 4K of face-off showing up, and it was delayed because of a production issue, so i was like, let's watch Broken Arrow. I think you watched Broken Arrow, and I did not. No, I were here no i watched it, and then I text you guys. I'm like, dude, this is fucking in an episode. like I don't know when the last time you watched it is, but it holds up.
02:09:33
Speaker
And you guys watched it days after I did. Together. Did I talk about it with me? Yes. Remember watching it? No, you don't. I don't think it was me. I'm pretty sure you're higher than I am. I'm pretty sure I have dementia.
02:09:48
Speaker
No, you just you're too busy playing Kingdom Candy here whatever. yeah Fish. Fish Kingdom. No. Either way. What is my life? They jump in these boats.
02:09:59
Speaker
And then Jack has the best time of his life. I don't think I was getting a blow job, Derek. yeah Okay. That's fair, actually. But I understand that this boat scene is unnecessary.
02:10:13
Speaker
But for one, they're in l L.A., which is on the beach. So at least they're near the water. So it's not like they just, oh, suddenly we're on the ocean.
02:10:24
Speaker
So at least that works. Give me your chew. They're running away from this church and John Travolta as Castro Troy at this point is panicked to find a way out of here. So he looks over and sees a guy with a boat.
02:10:38
Speaker
Luckily, two of these fishers also have speed boats. Yeah. so like supercharged, supercharged speed boats. Also, you're talking about like you leave a church and there's a dock full of speed boats.
02:10:51
Speaker
Where are we? This is a beautiful outdoor church. So it's near the beach. You say it's L.A., right? yeah You just mentioned this is Florida. You're describing Florida yes where you have two fishing boats outside of a church. LA is the Florida of California. Point one for the Vikings.
02:11:08
Speaker
No, point for Derek. Fucking l LA is the Florida of California. oh Point one for Jerka. I'm sure they've got crocodile there. but like Alligators.
02:11:21
Speaker
i and not the Not the animal, the drug. The only reptiles in l LA is the lawyers. who No, I didn't mean the crocodiles. I meant crocodile, the drug that gives you grayscale.
02:11:33
Speaker
We're switching up shit. try Check it out listeners Google it But um Better than Janko I understand that this is Unnecessary And there's been nothing To lead up to it That's not the point The point is Two speed boats Weaving in and out Of other boats While dudes are Shooting each other And jumping back and forth And one of these boats Fucking launches Off of a police boat Okay 40 miles an hour. okay This is fucking epic shit. It is. It's beautiful. Let me defend myself a little bit here.
02:12:05
Speaker
I hate everything about this speedboat chase, except for the fact that a boat went through a police boat. That's where it was like, well, that's dope. that That's phenomenal. And that's what it led up to. And even leading up to that is stupid because it's like you have ah one man on one speedboat.
02:12:22
Speaker
One man on another speedboat. they're trying to drive these boats at 40 miles an hour while shooting at each other. I'm sorry, sir. It's 35 knots. I don't know. But according to what I read online, we better not argue at 40 miles per hour. They didn't say anything about knots.
02:12:37
Speaker
But they're not very naughty. they're They're going fast and they're trying to shoot at each other while driving boats. And this police boat has no less than a dozen dudes on it with guns.
02:12:48
Speaker
And they're like, please stop you're going to crash into some shit and he's just like we're not stopping and also john travolta just blind fires and takes out every cop on this thing except for the three on the top railing who then have to dive off before this boat flies through it and turns it into a fireball of happiness like i am 100 aware that that This scene is unnecessary. Okay. But if this movie. i took a to i Look, at somebody had the keys. I was trying to go fishing, but the fish weren't the dock. So I had to get the thing. I had to get the keys and go to the dock.
02:13:29
Speaker
On the way to the dock, I got a little hungry and I found a banana. Banana was old. Do you know what happens to old bananas? Anybody? Answer the question. Answer the It's the 0.5 to front row.
02:13:42
Speaker
Bananas get fermented and then you get a little bit of speed. Because the morphan and the more fermented the... bit oh Oh, I don't feel Is this Speed 2? The more fermented a banana, the more... Willem Dafoe has had a couple fermented bananas. I'm not going to say he hasn't.
02:14:02
Speaker
He's got golf bags and they're full of bananas. And we shared a boat on the way to the set. Now, I do want to say that the boat chase is good if you like boat chases.
02:14:15
Speaker
The fact that in six little check marks on my note thing, the word bada boom is repeated three times means that this boat chase was necessary. what yeah What's the total runtime of this movie?
02:14:29
Speaker
ah One or two hours and 13 minutes, two hours and 18 minutes. We could take this 18 minute boat chase and get it down to two hours is what you're saying? No, what I'm saying is we could take all the stuff where John Travolta's talking to his wife out of the movie and leave the boat chase in. You know what? cause here I agree. Take them both out, hour and a half movie.
02:14:51
Speaker
You know what we can take out? Leave the scar. ah No one gives a shit about that. the end. Because it doesn't even come to anything. Don't the scar Yeah, because he tells that doctor at the end, you don't have to put the scar back. Which we didn't talk about, but he has a bullet wound from when he got shot and it's in memory of his son or whatever. You're talking to a doctor that wasn't there for the initial surgery? There was nothing.
02:15:11
Speaker
There's no paperwork. The cage is like, don't worry about that scar. Don't worry about putting the scar back. And the doxler's like, okay. Hey, I don't know if we should give him more or less drugs because I don't know what scar he's talking about. Turns out the building where your scar flesh was stored burned. Yeah. So unless you want unless you were expecting this doctor to light up a big stogie like fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger and put it out on your chest to make a new bullet scar. Okay, he said something about wanting a scar. Look at this.
02:15:40
Speaker
Oh, he's got a scar now. Hey, Sylvester, we're both in this movie. Come over here and poop on this scar to make it more infected. It's going to leave a good mark. Hey, Mark, Marky Mark over here. He's modeling underwear. Hey, bro, look at you over there. Trying to pretend to be my twin brother. No one believes it.
Action Movie Endings and Humorous Exchanges
02:15:59
Speaker
Look at you. And I'm i'm huge. You're scrawny. Oh, bro. that's scrawny I'm working out, bro. Look at me. I'm trying to get fit. You are nothing. You are nothing. And you are just an artistic boy.
02:16:10
Speaker
And I'm going to have to smother you in a pillow. Bro, haven't you seen the big hit? I jumped out of a building. I saw the big hit. I thought the rock was okay. And only when he was flexing. Him using cocaine.
02:16:22
Speaker
I have never done cocaine. No, that's the other one. Oh, which, what did you say? I wasn't listening. I said the big hit. I was thinking of pain and gain. I'm sorry. Pain and gain, yeah. Pain and Gain is a good movie because it's about pain and gain, which is two things I fucking love.
02:16:37
Speaker
It's about bodybuilders committing crimes. It's my life. The big hit is what I call anal when I do it with my wife, except she's pegging me. The dildo is huge.
02:16:49
Speaker
It's when I use one of these stogies. Bring it full circle. I learned it from President Clinton. Speaking of a stogie. It's like my father said, stogie, I hardly know thee.
02:17:00
Speaker
Do you think he kept the gunshot wound from where his daughter shot him? I don't need this car anymore. i have a new one. Leave this look. at This son's dead. She's still alive.
02:17:13
Speaker
My final argument for, well, not my final argument. You lost the boat race. My second to last argument for why the boat race is necessary. Okay. This might be his winning point. Nicolas Cage jumping to this other boat and then getting thrown out and then standing up in water skiing on his fucking tennis shoes. It's so fucking cool. It's Quentin Tarantino with the tremendous hairline. yeah It's not Nicolas Cage. It is. I understand on that, but it's the character. It wasn't meant to be seen in 4K or 1080. It's fine. Let me put it this way.
02:17:45
Speaker
Up until this point, this has been an entertaining movie. yes but if you end this supposed action blockbuster with oh no my daughter shot the wrong guy now she stabbed the right guy and i shot him credits that's not an action movie ending an action movie ending is a fucking boat chase with three large explosions followed by three points yeah impaling this dude with a spear gun And then Travolta going, I'm a baby, I'm a home baby. We can't all be right all the time. And sometimes Jack's wrong. and i'm not I'm not right now. Because here's the thing.
02:18:26
Speaker
You may not think this, but we can't argue if this is necessary. You can argue if you like it or not. I can argue that it's 100% unnecessary.
02:18:36
Speaker
However, it is You love it. You fucking love it. And Whitney's kind of bringing me points with like the the hit, the the Travolta dying, singing the song cut in the face, yada, yada. I also think it would be fine to end it right there. Like, I don't need this to be an over two hour movie.
02:18:50
Speaker
I love it. God, I don't know, man. It's just like, it's about and so it feels so out of place to me. That's just the problem. it it And it is out of place, but it's fun.
02:19:04
Speaker
go yeah oh yes Yes, demon of Whitney. Yes, Pearson who's changed. What I have to say is that... ah We need a young podcaster and an old podcaster. What I have to say that... The power of podcast compels you.
02:19:18
Speaker
I'm back. the but modify Oh my God, I am Valley when I get drunk. The power of Spotify compels you. Wendy's going to listen back like, oh, my God, Jack's impersonation of me is spot on One thousand percent. Thousand percent.
02:19:34
Speaker
um No, it helps break up the monotony. And then it's just like, bam, explosion, bam, explosion, hold bam, explosion. just use the word monotony to describe anything in Face Off.
02:19:45
Speaker
You lost validity. She's not wrong, though, because the final standoff scene with Gina Gershon and Timmy O'Flanagan or whatever. It's so much depression and sadness.
02:19:55
Speaker
It's the same scene that we just saw at Nick Cassavetes house. Yeah. So it's now in a church. No, not better because Nick Cassavetes already dead. Slow motion doves.
02:20:08
Speaker
It brings you right back Cassavetes dies, you have to replace him with doves. I thought it was out and they pulled me right back in. I'm very clearly outvoted on this podcast, but I hope someone listening that's watched this like understands what I'm trying to say. It's like, man, we get...
02:20:28
Speaker
We could have gotten out of here. Yes, it is unnecessary, but it's awesome. could have gotten out of here so tight, so clean. and It wasn't that long of a movie. It did not feel that long of a movie. Yes, it was, what, two hours and 13 minutes? Two hours and 18 minutes, but less of the back and forth in the middle. Watch me fucking recant all this when I watch it with you guys. Like, the bull fucking chase scene was amazing.
02:20:52
Speaker
just Right now, we could have gotten out of here tight. But I just like at the end speaking of speaking getting out of here tight, this is like an nine and a half hour. I know. You got me talking about Nicolas Cage and John Travolta.
02:21:05
Speaker
I've been wanting to talk about this. We've heard John and I'm excited. But ah so after they crashed the boats Cassavetes They flipped the boat over crash and both like tu like barrel roll out land on their feet They Tarantino and fucking Machete did not survive this Quentin Tarantino and Danny Trejo are their stunt doubles yes yeah You're not wrong and after After Quentin Tarantino and Danny Trejo jump out of these boats They have this, these, uh, John Travolta and Nick cage have this face off.
02:21:42
Speaker
Hey, he said it where i shot well home Nick cage grabs the spear gun and he goes to shoot it and Travolta grabs at the last second. So like, it's already like the pressure is there, but he stopped it from launching.
02:21:55
Speaker
ah cs it And then he's like, ah but I pulled the trigger. but didn't that's that's the That's the annoying part. The the boat, I love. the Him pulling the trigger over and over, I'm like, yeah, you pulled it, dude. it's He's holding Smack his arm away.
02:22:10
Speaker
Kick him in the balls. Travolta is like, hey, I'm going to, you know what? Maybe you win, but I'm going to fuck my face up. So you your wife has to look at my face every time she fucks you. So he starts cutting his face and shit. Yeah, but he's cutting it around. Like, just fucking, if you're going to do that, you fuck He's cutting on those lines. its Don't cut there.
02:22:32
Speaker
You cut. You know where you cut? cut your nose off here. You cut here. there. Cut your nose off. and Slice your lips in half. Tavern cut your face. nicholla like just Pull your eyelid out. just yeah Don't do that. Everybody listen. Don't do that. But then fucking Cage's character is like, joke's all new. Any serial killer that's up for death row, their face is mine.
02:22:55
Speaker
I'm going to find someone my wife actually finds hot. That's what's gonna happen. We're gonna have such fucking hard sex. She loves this face. My wife really likes fucking you. Let's keep that going.
02:23:06
Speaker
Turns out my wife has a thing for fat guys who dress like clowns and fuck kids, so I'm gonna take John Wayne Gacy's face. No, he she du she sticks with John Travolta or Nicholas Cage. For whatever reason, their dirty talk is like, how's your dead son?
02:23:19
Speaker
ha I'm taking Tom Noonan's face for Manhunter. You don't want that, by the way. I know you guys haven't seen it. Google it. But like, but i just he does something here where like he ends up, he gets Travolta's hand off of the gun. He kicks my gun oh yeah he kicks him in the nuts. Or somewhere. And the spear goes through him and he's like, die!
02:23:42
Speaker
For the second time in this movie. It's good. I love that. It was really good. And then the FBI shows up and they're like, Hey, Archer, are you cool? Yeah. what did you just call me Joan Allen calls Margaret Cho. Who's Wanda apparently didn't know that was her name.
02:23:58
Speaker
And she's like, Wanda, I have something crazy to fucking tell you. And so they like, Hey, my husband, you know how my husband's a really cool. Like, you know how you really enjoy my husband's new work ethic.
02:24:09
Speaker
Oh, love him. He's like, get the stick out his butt. I love new husband. Yeah. He's that serial killer we've been looking for. yeah he's the international terrorist friar you the you've been looking for wait he's cobra commander but
02:24:25
Speaker
bizarre tan actually so this is a scene that kind of kind of a little bit annoys me the end part here is entirely unnecessary shoot john travolta you Hey, are you okay, Archer? What'd you call me?
02:24:38
Speaker
End credits. Done. yeah So this whole next, this is where we could have shortened the movie. For sure. and I agree on this. He's like a shadow. what Well, we get the whole dead bodies thingy again.
02:24:51
Speaker
um oh he steals his ring back. Yeah. And then. That's where you could end it. He takes the ring off the dead body. Yeah. end it with That would have been a perfect end. Great image. And then you get the shadow of Travolta walking by the window and the wife getting so excited.
02:25:06
Speaker
And then he opens the door and he does that like
02:25:11
Speaker
devilish smile at her. i was like, that's not that's a cage. That's not Travolta. But why they make him pudgy again? They're like, yeah youre like we're bad and we gave you back all the fat.
02:25:23
Speaker
um Two things I need love handles and a ridiculous chin. I need both those things. but We have like whole this whole dead body. We could just harvest the fat and put it back in. And then one more thing.
02:25:35
Speaker
By the way, I love both of you. i just have something to ask you.
Hans Zimmer's Music and Film Ratings
02:25:39
Speaker
Introduce little baby Adam. Can we keep a serial killer's child? who kind of looks like our kid with less personality. what I had more of a problem with is the fact that he walks in. Jamie was so okay with it.
02:25:50
Speaker
no, no, no. My dad would be like, fuck you. I have lot of problems with a lot of things with me. But like he walks in, him being John Travolta, walks in and has a long moment with his daughter and his wife. And he's like, hey, come here. So did he walk up to the door? and He's like, I'm going to have a really hard moment with my fucking ah family. yeah Stand outside by the door. Shut the fuck up. Don't make a motion.
02:26:11
Speaker
Just stand there quietly. wait. Yeah. And also, if they don't want you to be with us. Too bad. i'm the boss No, we're going to send you back. Now, he didn't tell him that part. He's like, wait outside. I'm going to talk with them and then we'll bring you in.
02:26:26
Speaker
If they said no, he would just been like, OK, and walked out and just kept that. Do you know what a trial run is? Do you know what a trial run is? Because if it goes bad, you're dead.
02:26:37
Speaker
you know, it's funny. only part. But I do. I'm sorry. I know you're about to talk. as it This is where I knew it was Hans Zimmerman. Right. Hans Zimmer. Hans Zimmer the music my eyes were fucking flooding I didn't have the Bernie nose so no not a Bernie nose no also I would vote for Bernie nose just the eyes were crying because the music was like getting me involved and i was like aww but now I'm like this is dumb it's not dumb they're trying to close pockets can see Hans Zimmer's music moving you pre like switchboards
02:27:14
Speaker
yeah He was one of the first people to really do heavy electronic And that's not this movie This movie is composed yeah yeah i mean like i You saw both of them doing movies Sure that movie That music is great but it's not going to make you cry No it's not There's something about an actual string Hey Randy Newman made your wife cry John Travolta took my face And now I'm gonna take his And do you know why? Because his voice was not on the song I know, I know But I'm always gonna throw that back at you know you will They call me Cast Detroit Because I was with you when we were on You can my tongue with joy
02:27:52
Speaker
I made a sexy sandwich with your wife and your sister. I went inside and you know I had the fister. Ooh. Wow. and like I heard you say sister. out no like sister man i heard you say sister and I was like, if he doesn't say fister, I am.
02:28:09
Speaker
But so that's the end of the movie. So we'll do it's mental health month. i can't remember what we've done this month so far. I'll start. Recommendations and thumbs.
02:28:21
Speaker
I'm going to give it all because I did just argue about the boat race, right? Or the boat chase. Yes, you did. I am going to give this three thumbs, five stars, all the recommendations because of that. It's so much fucking fun to talk about with your friends.
02:28:35
Speaker
Yeah. I'm glad that everybody in this fucking podcast right now thinks this is a great movie. But what's fun about it is when somebody thinks it's bad movie, it's like, show your work, dude. And they can be right though.
02:28:45
Speaker
they can be right when they tell you what they want but like they could point out parts of the movie that you're like yeah that is poopy but then i'm going to point out parts of the movie that aren't poopy like this movie is that perfect good bad made money is loved and also maybe hated by some people that are wrong to hate it you know you can think it's bad you can't hate it man so yeah i give it everything jack's caveats obviously help it but unneeded Correct.
02:29:14
Speaker
I'm going to keep sliding on his tailcoats right here. Whoa. Easy down there. His coattails. I'd be like, no, caveats were not needed. Just call me Courtney Love.
02:29:26
Speaker
I did not hear you. Sorry. i said just call me Courtney Love. and Because of the Nevermind reference earlier. It was a two-hour-old joke. It's fine. Hey, you're bringing a back baby you're bringing it back, it back. I'm riding on Jack's coattails. Yep, that's what you got.
02:29:43
Speaker
I was not drinking when I watched this. It was just husband and myself, but he's over there and I'm over there. This movie is fantastic. Three thumbs, all the stars with your friends is even better, but not necessary. but Yeah, perfect.
02:29:57
Speaker
It's just it's a fun fucking movie. So. Many fucking clips that you can just be like face off dear if you just walk to your friend and said no more drugs for that man.
02:30:12
Speaker
Yeah, you know exactly what movie Derek did a good job of pulling a bunch of stills from this You did a good job of pulling stills from this, but you could have pulled this damn near entire movie and just we could have yeah we could have just talked about a slideshow from this movie before we even started the podcast. You're like, oh, fuck. Derek's going to have so many fucking yeah clips for us. That's why I kept his reins in. That's why I stuck to the one clip because I was like, I could get this one and that one and that one. and I'm like, just watch the movie. I think Derek deserves a golf clap. Golf clap.
02:30:44
Speaker
For restraint. Yes. So, and before Derek gives his everything about this, this, I want this to be a revisit ah commentary. Maybe we've talked about doing that. There's like four or five movies. Now we've talked about that would be good commentary. This would be great.
02:31:01
Speaker
And now for Derek. Big fat recommend. I love this movie. When Kino Lorber announced their 4K, I was like, pre-order that shit. And they were like, it's delayed by a month. And I was like, I'll burn your place to the ground. But you're also slightly disappointed with the what you received.
02:31:17
Speaker
No, no, that's the Phantom one. i was Oh, OK. The Phantom is being put on 4K, guys, but by Kino Lorber, which is cool. But I was really looking forward to getting one of these big, cool. I was hoping it would be one of these big, cool vinegar syndrome boxes of the Phantom because I'm a fucking moron.
02:31:32
Speaker
But. ah This movie, five stars, three thumbs, full recommend. I love this movie. It is a long and you can feel it at certain points because there are points where it starts to lull.
02:31:44
Speaker
But when it starts to lull, we get either Travolta or Cage doing a Cage flip out of some sort. What a predicament. And it helps to bring you back. yeah It really, really does.
02:31:55
Speaker
And then, of course, it ends with the all-time cinematic great boat chase. And that's also a sign to just pause it, pee, let your dog out to pee. we can disappear in the We can disagree in the boat chase and still have a fucking phenomenal movie.
02:32:11
Speaker
Exactly. And and I 100% agree that it's unnecessary. It doesn't ruin the movie. like I'm bitching about it because I am who I am, but it's not like I'm never going to watch again because of that boat fucking scene.
02:32:23
Speaker
Yeah. Like I might just pop it in and just watch the boat. Different people, different people. um But yeah, big record, man. Love this movie. So go watch it. That's why it's on mental health.
02:32:34
Speaker
I unilaterally picked this one normally for like we each get to pick our own mental health movie. And then the fourth one, we would have a talk. But since we're doing schlock and load, I kind of looked through stuff and I was like schlock and load mental health face off.
02:32:48
Speaker
Like you knew there was no chance. Yeah. You knew there was no chance that Whitney and I weren't going to love this. Like, we we have yeah, I mean, the the only the other one I was really heavily considering was Commando. and Okay.
02:32:59
Speaker
Everybody knows that like. Which is more schlock. Everybody knows, all of you listeners and watchers and everybody, that that I like fade in and fade out and I don't know what we're going to record until the day we're watching.
02:33:15
Speaker
Same. When he told me today that I was, because I was like, so let's put the movie on. What are we watching? He's like, face off. I was like, thank fucking God. okay Like I was so excited. Whitney was phoned down watching.
02:33:29
Speaker
well what my phone was off like not off but on silent set to the side just completely ignore everybody yeah well i'm glad you had a good time because our next our next episode first for june which will be the kickoff of our superhero spectacular is 1997 nineteen ninety also nineteen ninety seven oh Steel with Shaquille O'Neal. Oh, man, you got to get a deep voice. I don't know movie. Everything's going to be okay.
02:33:57
Speaker
All you got to do, Whitney, is get your voice real deep down like this. That's all you got to do. Turns out, wife, you don't know this movie. Oh, God, are you okay? What just happened right there? get a root yeah I swear to God, your wife just had Mogwais in her throat and somebody got them fucking wet or fed them after midnight. That was disgusting. It was the demon dogs from Ghostbusters. There is no demon dogs. There was only Zool.
02:34:25
Speaker
And Zool is Whitney's door. All right. Who brought a dog to the party?
02:34:32
Speaker
We'll have to about that one day. went long because we fucking love this movie. We did go long. I'm sorry. But we won't love next week's movie, which is Steel, which Whitney doesn't know and she shouldn't know, but she will soon and then she'll forget about it. So lucky her. Because I can't. ah So Steel from 1997 is not streaming for free anywhere right now.
Preview of Next Episode and Closing Remarks
02:34:54
Speaker
It is available on Amazon and Apple for $4 to $10 to buy. Just rent it if you want to watch it. If you really want to watch it, you can rent it. i You can hear us talk about it.
02:35:04
Speaker
Also, if you don't know like an episode because you don't know the movie, give one of those movies a shot because generally... Jack and I have a lot of fun talking all the shit about that fucking movie. Oh, they're fun with caveats, dude.
02:35:20
Speaker
They are. There's a lot of people I've talked to, you not a lot, but a decent amount of people who are like, well, you know, or I've heard only one the episodes where they've seen the movie or whatever. There's a reason that you shouldn't have seen some of these. Yeah. Yeah.
02:35:34
Speaker
We do it for you. Don't watch Empire of the Ants. Just listen to us talk about it, please. And also, unless you have a fucking steel bear trap of a memory, when you finally watch that movie, you're going to be like, what? Because it's not like we're doing every point of the movie. We go through a lot, but there is so much, especially in the bad ones. um And don't forget, guys, we have a Patreon. If you want more content from bad movies, worse people. This might be the longest we've gone without mentioning it.
02:36:03
Speaker
Patreon.com slash worse people. It's only $3 a month. You get a bonus mental health episode every month. You get latchkey vids every month. You get a newsletter.
02:36:13
Speaker
You get ad free episodes. You get all kinds of cool shit. get me This was bob my Patreon members. Yes, we got Jack a Clacker with our Patreon money. We're doing video streaming thanks to our patreon patrons because we couldn't afford this shit. No way. This isn't cheap, ah but our... our Mental health movie for this month because it is mental health month.
02:36:35
Speaker
Usually, like last year, we picked something where I was just like, this is an amazing movie. It's the super mental health. This year, we let the patrons choose our mental health movie. Yeah, we did. Dude, you boys, you you all did great. Wife, what movie are we covering this month?
02:36:50
Speaker
The Goonies. the Goonies from 1985 Jack's doing the truffle shuffle if you're not on video oh I missed it I at the camera I missed oh I'll do it ho ra ra ra ra the Goonies is available streaming right now on Macs and you can rent it on Amazon or Apple for four buy it for 15 there's Blu-rays 4K if you're gonna buy it at all do it fucking ah physical media please Yes. You have to do physical media. 15 for streaming. I'm a streaming king. 15 is too much.
02:37:23
Speaker
It is. And we have our latchkey vid segment I mentioned. And we're back to Cop Rock this month after taking a hiatus for Hitler last month. We love Cop Rock, dude. i doing Jack, do you remember what our Cop Rock episode is for this month? It's a cocaine mutiny.
02:37:38
Speaker
It is the cocaine mutiny. shit. Cop Rock episode five, the cocaine mutiny, which has a lot to do with cocaine and a little bit to be with muty I expected more pirates. I did too.
02:37:50
Speaker
I want coked up pirates. You know, I'll just watch Pirates of the Caribbean. One, two, three, four. I need a mega jar of cocaine.
02:38:02
Speaker
And remember, guys, this month I announced it on our heat episode, I believe. But I'm giving away a digital download for collateral. Oh, yeah. If you comment on the episode on YouTube or if you send us an email at bad movies, worse people at Gmail dot com, I'm probably going to put it down there somewhere.
02:38:20
Speaker
um Let me know. You'll get an entry into the the drawing for a digital download of the 4K version of Michael Mann's Collateral with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx. And it's my second favorite Michael Mann movie behind Heat.
02:38:36
Speaker
my And if you're a patron, then you get two entries when you comment on the post. so do that. That's for bucks a month alone. But I will be doing the drawing for the collateral giveaway on June 1st.
02:38:49
Speaker
And I'll post it on all of our, and wherever we do the podcast, YouTube, Patreon, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, et cetera, et cetera. So enter now because this episode comes out the last Monday of May.
02:39:03
Speaker
So you're almost out of time. So enter now and someone's going to get that digital download of collateral, which is a good fucking movie. It's going to And of course, have to thank Evasion slash McGillicarrilla for our music this month because we got a little bit of both going on. Yeah, we do. at least for the opening video.
02:39:26
Speaker
I've been Derek. I'm always his wife. I'm Jack. You want to take his face? Yes. His face.
02:39:37
Speaker
Eyes, nose, skin. It's coming off.
02:39:46
Speaker
The face.
02:39:57
Speaker
No more drugs for that, ma'am.
02:40:33
Speaker
Hello, mother. Hello, father. Here I am at. Camp Granada. Camp is very entertaining. And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.
02:40:47
Speaker
All the counselors hate the waiters. And the lake has alligators. You know so much more of that song than I knew.
02:40:57
Speaker
They're about to organize a searching party. Oh my God. My sister and I actually sang the song. You just gave Derek so such a stinger. And also, that is the name of your new sex move.
02:41:10
Speaker
oh Last night I gave Derek such a stinger. Oh, sorry. i Oh, my god God. Last night I gave Derek such a stinger. Oh, made me I'm going to need someone to hand feed me Valtrex if she gives me a stinger.
02:41:26
Speaker
No, the doctor is wrong.