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NTK311 - Shots, Shots, Shots
51 Plays2 years ago
Noodles and TK get drunk af.
They show up half popped and take a shot every ten minutes.
They discuss alternative dating sites to join. Things get weird.
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Setup
00:00:02
Speaker
You're listening to the Cheap Shops Podcast Network.
00:00:39
Speaker
You know what's ironic? What's moronic? Us. That's definitely true. But what's ironic is cheap shots is very applicable right now because we're going to be taking shots. Oh, that's legit. I don't even realize that. Yeah. And they're kind of cheap shots, I guess.
Shot Schedule and Listener Interaction
00:01:02
Speaker
I can't afford the good shit. So I don't know. I don't think this is good tequila either.
00:01:07
Speaker
So we're going to be doing every 10 minutes. We're going to take a shot. And every 10 minutes, you're going to have some alarm go off that lets us know it's time. So drink with us. Take your shirts off. Send us pictures of your nipples. You know the deal. Boys, girls, we don't care. We like nipples. We don't care. We have girls, but yeah, we don't care. I mean, yeah, if you got like a cow or a dog as a six nipples, I'll check it out. I have, I have a dog that has six nipples.
00:01:35
Speaker
Do you? I hate girl dogs. That's my affinity. There was about hate. Holy fuck. I don't like that. They bleed like they, and they have nipples. I can't rub their bellies because it's sexual. Well, if you stop cutting them, they wouldn't bleed. All right. So we got to watch the thing. I'm not going to set 10 timers or six timers or whatever. Yeah. When it's close, I mean, it doesn't have to be right on the dot, but close enough.
00:02:00
Speaker
Let's do it. Let's start on the minute exactly. So let's talk for another minute. We'll start on three. Wait, wait, wait, wait. We have to wait 10 minutes. OK,
Alcohol Preferences and Experiences
00:02:10
Speaker
we'll do it on 10. Excuse me. Yeah, fuck. Let's go every three minutes. You're going to get me fucking wasted. So by the time we get to the Patreon, we should be feeling good. Yeah, the Patreon, we're done drinking at the Patreon. Well, my chaser is full of alcohol. So I want to talk about your drinks.
00:02:30
Speaker
No, no, you do it anyway. Do it anyway. I sent you a picture of them. Yeah, it's dope, dude. Looks cool. It made me mad that I don't have that. Look, I went to the liquor. I'm on the road. So I went to the liquor store. They don't have they don't sell just shot glasses. They have a pack of 30 plastic shot glasses. Yeah, I don't want to I don't want to fucking clean a whole bunch of shot glasses, all different ones. I have a set of a few, but then I'd have to get a couple of weird ones.
00:03:00
Speaker
I have them all poured out. And they're ready to go. Look cool, but look like a beer pong. Yeah, and then I'm looking at them right now because the way the light is shining on them, it looks like urine. What are you drinking? Urine? Yeah. No. Most man's urine. I'm being honest, I don't even remember what it's called. It's Conor McGregor's whiskey. It's a whiskey. Proper 12.
00:03:29
Speaker
Proper 12. So you drink a whiskey. Yeah, I'm drinking whiskey. Okay. Oh, you're drinking tequila, aren't you? I'm going tequila shots, but my drink during between the shots is Maker's Mark and Coke. Oh shit. Why don't, why don't you drink like tequila and Coke? That would be gross. Is it? I don't think anything is gross with Coke. What about tequila and Sprite? I don't have Sprite. I do have like orange crush.
00:03:57
Speaker
Yeah. See, I'm not, I don't know enough about tequila. The really, the only thing I know is it's good in margaritas. That's the only thing I fucking know. So you're going to have to teach me on tequila because I'm not a tequila drinker at all. Yes. Um, what worries me on those pictures, actually a pretty cool picture. The picture you sent me is a worrisome fear, pisses that color.
Health and Travel Anecdotes
00:04:22
Speaker
that my piss is that color that's because I always having kidney stones literally all the time so there's blood in my urine and half the time I piss out a stone and I didn't even know I like was having them you're a weird guy
00:04:42
Speaker
Like my dick will feel weird for like a day and I'm like, uh, this isn't good. And then the next day I'm pissing and I'm like, bam. I got weird dick. It hurts a little bit when the, when the stone, like, cause it's going hard with your flow, right? So when it enters the fucking hole and it shoves through, it doesn't feel good.
00:05:04
Speaker
Yeah. I was just wanting to say that your piss is very, you don't want to keep talking about it. I don't like it. I am nervous with all that. I have like a bar set up down here. I'm nervous. I'm going to knock something over. Oh yeah. Um, put it away from you. So I don't know. Do you flail when you're talking sometimes I almost did when you were talking about your kidney stones. Um, it is me. It is TK. It might not sound like it.
00:05:33
Speaker
Yeah, your horse. My tiny horse. Mr. TK. My throat's been blown out. It's been a rough week on the road. Yeah. Were you in San Francisco? That's where it was. Yeah, dude. They're just railing. That's why I didn't drink four brothers tonight.
00:05:50
Speaker
Uh, yeah, I forgot you have four brothers. Yeah. Four brothers whiskey would blow my throat. Did you tell your dad? I can't tell my dad. He's like, you're not supposed to know about them. No, just a four brothers in my throat. So as I went makers, Mark, cause I want to show my penis to random strangers. Yeah. Did we tell that story? I feel like we had to have probably didn't get, make it out.
00:06:16
Speaker
Anyway, TK shows his penis when he drinks maker's mark. For some reason, I think it's the wax. Maybe the wax makes it feel like a vampire sold it to you. They have really strange blood. So what's on tap, my friend? So well, besides whisking, what's your what's your chaser?
00:06:38
Speaker
My chaser is 70 proof Malibu rum and coke, which is the only reason I say that is because regular Malibu coconut rum is like 60 proof, so it's stronger. How many chasers are you going to drink? I'm already halfway through mine, we just poured them. I just poured a huge old glass. I have a steak and shake styrofoam cup because it holds the coldness better.
00:07:06
Speaker
Are you drinking like you're fucking living in a trailer park? Like I'm living at home. Styrofoam is the best. Oh, yeah. It's professional. Forgot we're doing weed, too. Oh, yeah. You just have four brothers in your room. So I know we talked a little bit about Halloween last time, but we really didn't get into it. Halloween has passed. Yeah, I don't know. We have any topics for it, but we could try.
00:07:36
Speaker
Well, uh, you were on the road. You didn't even do like, you didn't even hand out candy. Did the roommates hand out candy? Yeah, I don't think so. That'd be fucking crazy. If I was at a hotel just in the hallway, like candy, just chucking it at people. That'd be actually kind of fun. We should do that next year. Like put a pumpkin right outside your door and like, you know, carve it and then put some candles in it. Oh, it had to be electric candle. You get in trouble. Oh, would you? Probably.
00:08:05
Speaker
I guess. I put a cigarette in its mouth, light it. That'd be dope. Everybody gets evacuated with the smoke alarms. We've both been through that before, on the road. For sure, dude. Nothing worse than being like pants off, sleeping, and the alarm goes off. You're like, I'll risk it. Well, the first time it ever happened to me, it fucking scared the shit out of me.
00:08:29
Speaker
Because there's like a light on your in your room and you don't even know it's there until it goes off and it's like flashing. So it looks like there's like you're in a dance club, except it's loud as fuck. And it's not real. I mean, I guess it's like it's similar to today's EDM music. It kind of is. I only I've only been outside twice and it's gone off like four or five times. I just I wait if it keeps going and going and I hear all the doors open and closing like fuck.
00:09:01
Speaker
Then you know you have to go. I probably should go outside. Then you go outside. And you like the top floor. That's your favorite. Always go to the top. Yeah, I'm tired. I just fucking fall down the stairs to the bottom like a slinky. Like a heavy slinky. Just stay in the... I guess I'm drunk already. The stairwell. Stay in the stairwell
Early Alcohol Experiences
00:09:24
Speaker
because you're safe there. I just wrap myself in my blanket and I taco my way down, dude. I burrito down.
00:09:31
Speaker
I've never gone out almost half naked. I've always at least put some clothes on. I usually put something on, but I mean, it's still not normally like I normally drive like a fucking Peter Pan pants on. Didn't you go down and just underwear before? I don't know. I think I remember that, but I have had a lot of injuries and weed. I thought that's what you told me. I don't remember. Probably. Three, two, one.
00:10:03
Speaker
That was anti-climactic. It's not working, man. We're doing this alone. Salud, motherfucker. Salud. Oh, that wouldn't be done. Oh, god. Hello, Jesus. Now I can't stop it. This is going to be one of those nights. All right. That gave me the chills. Yeah? Five more.
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah. Five more. 10 minutes comes fast, huh? It does. Too fast. Too fast. Too furious. You got to slow this podcast down. Yeah. How do we pause it? I don't know. If we slow it down, then, um, I don't know. We, yeah, we can slow it down. Can we? We could. We're not gonna. We put it in slow motion. Yeah. This should be, this should be very interesting. Half, half speed. I think we're running a half speed right now. All right. You were saying, uh,
00:11:05
Speaker
This is gonna be the most annoying episode. Oh, what was I saying? No one knows. Oh yeah, we were talking about Halloween.
00:11:17
Speaker
Yeah. I think we're talking about outside underway. Well, yeah, you, you, I hit a nerve. I said, okay. Naked once. And so you were like, no, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. I'm not a, I'm not a sex offender. Got to go fast dude. Eight and a half minutes. Go. I have, um, since Halloween's over, that means it's now Christmas time coming up. And during Christmas time, people like to go skiing.
00:11:44
Speaker
OK. Do they ski at Christmas? Probably. Yeah. Fuck yeah. People go on. People go on ski vacations during Christmas. OK. I've never had that. We've sled. We used to sled. Well, yeah, you guys don't have any ski resorts in your area. No. Maybe you do. Super cheap. Like you want to go down this hill for an eighth of a second. There's nothing. There's no mountains anywhere.
00:12:14
Speaker
No mountains, but there's some pretty big hills. Like we have a state park that closes so you can snowboard like the streets and stuff. It's pretty dope. Yeah. So like if there's like a full moon, it's dope. You get like backpack of alcohol. Getting back up sucks unless you know someone with a four wheeler. So you go up their park and then. You park at the entrance and walk. You just walk all the way up. Yeah. But like I said, it helps when you have a couple of friends with four wheelers.
00:12:44
Speaker
They have a place. You get in trouble sometimes. Close to where I live where, when I was a kid, it was, you'd sled down the hill and then this rotating rope, a bunch of different ropes, and you would just grab the rope and it would pull you up the hill.
00:13:02
Speaker
Yeah, they have that around here, but then it's like a sanctioned place with people. This state park is just a place. No one there is closed. Oh, I got you. So the people don't be doing it. It's a sanctioned place with children. Right. Right. This is when you did this stuff when you were a child though. No, I did it as an adult. Okay. Fair enough. You go there to drink. You can't drink cause I guess you could. Yeah. We're talking about you.
00:13:30
Speaker
I still have a late bloomer sometimes. Yeah. When's the first time you, uh, had your first. Like alcohol that you weren't supposed to have. When's the last time my first time? The first time. When's I guess, if I said the last time, I'm sorry. When's the first time you drank alcohol where you were. I guess the very first time. When's the, how old were you? Like where, like without, okay. Where you got drunk.
00:13:59
Speaker
mid school, middle school, early high school. Okay. I was five. What? That's five years old. I got drunk. I got drunk at five. Okay. How? My parents had some friends over and they had dinner and they were all drinking wine and they all left their wine glasses on the table and they went into the
00:14:26
Speaker
the family room and we're watching TV. And so I went into the kitchen and there was like five or six glasses that still had like a quarter amount, you know, a quarter glass of wine. So I went and I just slammed all of them. You smash wine. You're fancy. That was five. I didn't fucking know. Like, oh, this is a good, this is a good year.
00:14:50
Speaker
I remember, um, walking down the hallway and I was, I was bashing into each wall as I was walking down. And I remember my dad's like, what the fuck? Like, what is wrong with you? And I was like, I drank the glasses that were in there. Hmm. That explains a lot. And then after that, the, the, the first time I had a call, I was like 17. Nice. It was a long time. One of my first hard alcohols was wild Turkey.
00:15:21
Speaker
I don't think I've ever even had wild turkey. Dude, it is not good. Not good. That's a whiskey. Yeah. Yeah. And they're passing around. I drank it. It was terrible. Fucking terrible. So that's what happens. Did you get wasted?
00:15:43
Speaker
I think so. You don't. I mean, I didn't drink much. Asking you questions about your childhood is like talking to. Dude, I fell down on a lot. A person with amnesia. Kind of, dude. Kind of. You could tell me something that I did. Like, I'm sorry. I don't remember that. That's all right. Yeah, I don't remember if I was drunk, but I remember I probably had a buzz. I guaranteed I pushed it away early. Like, you want another one? Like, I don't know. Pretend to drink it. Yeah, it was like pussy for the first time for you.
00:16:17
Speaker
You didn't want anything to do with it? No. No. I was like, I'm going to pleasure you. Thank you. Goodbye. I forgot something at home. I gotta bye. Yeah. Do you want to put it in? Like my mom's calling. You were lucky though. That was your babysitter.
00:16:35
Speaker
Wasn't my babysitter. Oh, there was a babysitter. No, that one was when I ran home from there was a kid I was staying the night with. There's a babysitter next door that told me she was going to fuck me. So I went home and stayed there. I didn't come back. Did you think did you think I'm going to fuck you meant like she's going to fuck you up? No, I thought she wanted to fuck me. I was terrified. It was like sixth grade, dude.
00:17:05
Speaker
Right. So you went home and jacked off. I didn't know how to jack off for quite some time, but when I did, my room was like ectoplasm. Oh, I could imagine your mom walked in there and was like, ah, it smells like dad. Yeah. It's funny. Cause like, I thought I was being smooth and they're like, don't, don't do that. And like, we'll do what? I just left the room. My room just felt like old fucking chlorine. Yeah. Oh.
00:17:34
Speaker
Oh, when I figured out I could do that, boy. All day. To anything.
Adolescent Discoveries and Humor
00:17:40
Speaker
Yeah. Would you do it like in places that wasn't your house? Yeah, I did at school. In like the bathroom? Yeah. I took a. Wait, what was that? And you're like. Yeah, I said, yeah. Oh, yeah. I took I remember going to the library and getting jet magazines all the time because they had thick black chicks in it.
00:18:01
Speaker
That's why I didn't know that it was like somebody knew I could find something in the library easy. Right. National geographic. Wasn't, I never got that. Oh, come on. Some of those were good. Yeah. I never really did. You had to really dig through those to find it. They had a jet lady of the week or something. When I'd go over to my rich cousin's house, uh, they, there was a huge collection of playboys and they had playboys from like the sixties and shit. It was crazy.
00:18:32
Speaker
Yeah. I remember finding my first playboy. I think we talked about that where I just rubbed my dick up against it. It was like kindergarten. I was rubbing my dick against the paper, which is dope. Cause I was literally glossy paper. Right. And you're like, is this what I'm supposed to do? I felt good. His instincts took over. Yeah. Until that, until that babysitter wanted to fuck you. And then it was over. Well, I had a girlfriend that wanted me to put it in her butt in kindergarten. Her brother beat me up. Remember?
00:19:03
Speaker
Is he the one that pushed you down the hill? No, that was a sledding incident with Native Americans. They get off our land. You took it from us like, I'm sorry, you can beat me up. I didn't even hurt to just punch me. I'd fall down and stand up, punch me again. My cousin was like two feet away, just crying. Like he wasn't even getting hit. He was watching me get beat up. Yeah. Why weren't they hitting him? One ran home.
00:19:31
Speaker
The big one, the big one ran home because he's like, they're going to fuck me up. You guys are a little good luck. The big Indian ran home. No, my big cousin. Yeah. Well, why weren't they fucking with him? He was gone because like I was walking away after they kicked me down the hill and he just blew by me. He's like, go. I'm like, what? And that guy, they all come running down and you just watched him. You didn't run. No, I didn't. I was like, I ain't going to be able to outrun those kids all the way to where I go. You probably could have.
00:19:59
Speaker
They would have stopped chasing you after a while. Oh shit. Hello. Oh yeah. Didn't even need a chaser for that one. Good. You're getting your mouth is going numb. Yeah. Oh God. Don't you get one down as easy. Oh, it's not easy.
00:20:28
Speaker
Okay. You just said you didn't need a chaser. It's easy. I took one. So, so, uh, you sent me this link, um, as a possible story like last week and it's pretty disappointing. So you sent me not knowing what you've been missing. I don't remember what that is. It's probably something else. No, it's just, uh, talking about how to go, go skiing at night. Yeah. I don't remember that at all.
00:20:57
Speaker
Well, I think you thought it would be cool. Like just randomly skin into trees and shit in the dark. Maybe that's not, that's not how it is. They have fucking huge like spotlights and shit on the, on the decides. So it lights it up like daytime. Now that's weak. Why even go at night then? And that's in that, in that state park, it was nighttime. You hear animals running around and shit. And like, you just could only go when there was a good moon out. So it had reflection off the snow.
00:21:27
Speaker
You couldn't use a flashlight. You could. Didn't need to though. Like when it was the moon was bright, it illuminated pretty well. Did you guys ever get like freaked out like full moon? You're out in the middle of nowhere in the fucking wilderness. Of course. Uh, there was like, we'd be drinking and stuff and there'd be a fire at the top. We've been chased out by the park ranger a couple of times cause you're not supposed to be in there. The guy that lives there.
00:21:56
Speaker
Uh, that's what he is. He lives there. Uh, so it's a national park. Well, whatever you call the dude, I guess, I guess it would be a state park. You guys don't have national parks over there. There's nothing to fucking see. Right. So whatever his jurisdiction was, he would chase us out. We wouldn't get in trouble. He doesn't make us leave.
00:22:18
Speaker
How would you guys, you would park like where the gate is closed. They have like a parking area and then there's a gate. We just sat and put it in the parking area and walked around the gate. Yeah. So this night scheme, like they, they light up the, um, the lifts. So that's cool. I guess. Um, I'm sorry, man. I didn't know. I don't know why I said that link. It's it's colder, darker. The runs are limited, but that's what also makes it great.
00:22:48
Speaker
I think they have a night tubing here, but it's all lit up like that. It'd be cool if they did like neon lights and tubes and stuff. It's like they're from the 80s wrapped in lights. Blows. Skin movies were cool in the 80s. I remember that. Like they had a bunch of ski movies. They don't have that shit anymore. I love ski movies. Ski school. Yeah, exactly. That's a classic. If you like titties.
00:23:16
Speaker
Those are the ones, um, better off dead has ski montages. It was, it was, it was at ski school. That was like, I want my $2. That's better off dead. Yeah. That movie was awesome. The car was dope. We're, uh, I guess we're, we're aging ourselves a little bit. That's okay. Booger Booger was in it.
00:23:40
Speaker
Yeah, Booger was cool back in the day. The Revenge of the Nerds, he was fucking the coolest guy there. Thanks a lot. This is like a short attention span podcast. That isn't pretty much all of what we do, a short attention span. Fair enough. All right, so what's the plan after Halloween? What? No. Like, what do you, like, what's the cool shit to do after Halloween? Like, it's fucking, it's basically winter time.
00:24:10
Speaker
Ponta Turkey. Uh, see, I don't, I don't have, I don't see turkeys. No, I kind of live in the city. No, I like the, it's like, you don't see color. I got, I don't see turkeys. Birds are birds. Birds are birds, man. I don't see, I don't see turkeys. I gotta make another drink.
Holiday Plans and Overpouring Mishaps
00:24:31
Speaker
Well, here's to your drink. I'm going to drink. Okay. Um,
00:24:39
Speaker
Oh. Listen to Joe Rogan. Congrats. And it was the end of sober October. They were Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura, Ari Shafir. Segura. But we kind of talked about this. Bert and Tom made a movie that's going to be coming out soon. OK. It's called Fat Astronauts. They go to space? Apparently, they go to space.
00:25:09
Speaker
Nailed it. I'm so smart. What's that beeping noise? Oh, that is me. I'm a robot. So I'm, uh, that's, that's my plan for this winter is to watch that movie. When's it come out? I have no, they didn't say. Oh good. You're just planning for it in the winter. You have no idea what's coming out now or next summer. That is fantastic.
00:25:39
Speaker
I won't even be home for Thanksgiving. No, it's another holiday. I didn't even think about that. Where are you going to be? Away from home, for sure. Away from home. Are you sad? I missed Halloween, now I miss Thanksgiving. God, no. You could give a fuck about any holiday though, for real. Halloween's pretty dope. I hate Thanksgiving. I don't like Turkey at all. Yeah, that's true. That is a weird thing because you love chicken.
00:26:06
Speaker
Chicken's good. So is Turkey. No, Turkey's bad. That's like pigeons or pigeons. Good. I think so. Okay. Fair enough. I don't have a backup on that. Pigeons are good. I didn't know. People eat them and they enjoy them. Chicken sandwiches. Those are pigeons. What about goose? Never had goose. Uh, that's supposed to be duck. Yeah. How was that? That was pretty good. So you like duck over Turkey.
00:26:37
Speaker
Turkey's just dry as fuck. All right. But if you get like slice Turkey from a deli, right? That's not super dry process Turkey. I can handle. It's not processed. I don't want Turkey off of, off of the carcass.
00:26:54
Speaker
Is that weird? Yeah. And then the other, well, force your Turkey beliefs on me, dude. Well, what's weird is, is like you hate Turkey, but one of the things you really want to do real bad is go to one of those Renaissance fairs and get a big old Turkey Lake. Yeah. They look amazing. Doesn't mean they will be a deep fried Turkey sounds good. You deep fry a fucking cat. I'll eat it.
00:27:20
Speaker
Yeah, but okay. First of all, it's not like they put breading over the turkey when they deep fry it. It's just deep fried. So it's juicy in the middle. There you go. That's what I need. It's what I'm missing. Oh, it's too dry for you. So fucking chicken, like it looks like a chicken leg, but it's like a fucking dog leg. It's monstrous. Yeah, that's awesome. I'm swinging out. It's like carrying up. Like I would look like a Harley Quinn.
00:27:45
Speaker
I like the white meat, so I prefer. I don't I don't prefer the two races. You heard it here. Is it that I like white meat? Is that racist? You heard it here, but everyone. He doesn't want to drink four brothers for a reason. Oh, I've never had the dark meat yet, so I can't. Oh, have you had the white meat? Yeah, I've had the white meat. I can't. I don't say if I like the dark meat or not when it comes to that. But oh, is that gay? Yeah, you like white meat.
00:28:13
Speaker
Well, yeah, pussy is meaty. No, that's not white. You know what I'm talking about. So, uh, now I lost my fucking train of thought. This was important. White meat and dark meat. You're going on a tangent. No, I'm saying the reason you don't like Turkey is because your mom made it. Dang. Hope mom, if you're listening, it's not true. I love your Turkey.
00:28:38
Speaker
No, you hate it. You fucking hate your turkey. Why are you doing this to me? Mom, I love your turkey. I'm sorry. He's lying to you. It's all dry. Everything you made was good. He hates. He hates me. He's taking that out on you. And I have nothing against your mom. She's a wonderful woman, but she couldn't make a turkey. Oh, man. I want to give her your address, dude. You're fucking dead.
00:29:02
Speaker
she's gonna fucking she's gonna fucking jam with you know what she's gonna do she's gonna prove that she makes good juicy turkey don't say juicy you wouldn't talk about my mom dude does your mom wear uh come on man say juicy on the butt if she did i'd be like go change your fucking pants you're not going outside like that no mama mine i'm just out here making dry turkey wearing juicy pants
00:29:31
Speaker
When's the last time you had fucking a turkey for Thanksgiving? Everything's giving. So your roommates make turkey. I hate it. I also have to make them make ham. But do you even eat that? You don't even try the turkey. I try a bite. I'm like, oh, there you go. I ate some. Get off my fucking back. Try a bite. I try like a piece of turkey. All right. And is it usually the dark or the white meat? The white meat is usually drier. The dark meat is juicier typically. I bet.
00:30:00
Speaker
Um, Oh my God, already. My life. All right, here we go. Yeah, baby. Hold on. Talk about my mom some more. We're gonna be a fucking fist bite. My mouth's watering. Talk about my mom.
00:30:25
Speaker
No, I'm being honest. You don't like turkey because it was probably too dry when you were a kid. Probably. And I don't think she was really the one making the turkey back then. Oh, here we go. Who was it, your maid? Our maid, like, here, we'll pay you in food stamps, maid. I'm just saying. It probably wasn't turkey when I was growing up. They were like, we caught this bird, we did the best we could.
00:30:49
Speaker
I saw a TikTok where this guy had a canned turkey and it was just this big soup can. No, I'm sorry. I apologize. It was canned chicken. It was a chicken. It wasn't a turkey, but he opened it up and he plopped it onto the table and this fucking wet, nasty chicken, whole chicken fell onto the table. Do you fuck it?
00:31:15
Speaker
No, he tried eating it and he was gagging the whole time. So what must not have been very good. I do want to make that one of our challenges where we eat something gross. And I do want to throw up in your hotel room tonight. Yeah, I'm eating White Castle also. So you're going to have projectile vomit.
00:31:39
Speaker
I've eaten White Castle two times in a row now. I don't have White Castle out in Oregon. So we have in and out, which is it's better. But White Castle. You hated it. What, is it changing your mind? No, the one time we were in New York, the first time I ever had White Castle was with me and
00:32:04
Speaker
you know who and another guy and that was the one that was the time that uh why can you just say me and these other guys you had to say you know who and another guy well my friend our friend
00:32:17
Speaker
Our producer is never here. Yes, our producer is never here. We went and we went. We got absolutely fucking destroyed. And we got to this bar that had a swing at the at the bar. Yeah, kind of the, you know, the girls, the hot girls behind the bar would get up there and swing.
00:32:39
Speaker
Yeah, but we were sitting at a table because it was so packed and it was called the dark horse, the dark horse bar. I want to go in there. I only like white me. We're talking to you dark horse. Dark horse. All three of us are sitting there and we're just waiting for the bar to open up. And then, so we're drinking and we're already hammered and we get, I remember I got to the bar and we were right
00:33:04
Speaker
under the swing and we're like, all right. I got to the bar and that's literally all I could remember until I woke up in a cab and it was pulling into my hotel and the driver was like, you pay, you pay now. And I'm trying to swipe the thing and I can't. So I'm waving it at the thing and he's yelling at me saying he's going to call the cops. I said, hold on.
00:33:27
Speaker
the fifth
00:33:42
Speaker
That next morning I was so hungover, our producer was so hungover, the guy who we were with came in looking like the elephant man, his face was destroyed. He was so hungover and we went and got White Castle. He's like, we need to get White Castle, this will cure our hair. I remember eating sliders, like shoving sliders down my throat.
00:34:07
Speaker
Um, so I was good. I don't know. I have no idea. I know it helped my angle over though. Yeah. Dude. No, there's nothing better than have tiny little hamburgers. You got 50 of them. I didn't get it. I understand. Like you're like, I'll eat some and I'll eat some later. Like it's great for a hotel room.
00:34:27
Speaker
That's true, I'm full. My worst, the worst like drunk where I've kind of like just blacked out. What? Well, obviously the maker's mark where that I woke up in that strange lady's house and they had your stick and penises everywhere and show my penis to people. I like the reason the word penis were so fucking proper.
00:34:47
Speaker
Your cock. My dick and balls. I don't think I showed my balls. I think it was just mushroom tips. You're too proper for balls. Too proper. You want my balls, you're going to have to fucking get them out yourself. Yeah, you have to work for it a little bit. Get them out yourself. I'm not going to get them out for you. I don't piss my balls out. You don't? Not really. I mean, I kind of. I just kind of pull it through. I don't either. I see people go to the urinal and pull their pants all the way down. Yeah, dude, I've seen that. That guy wants to be fucked in the ass or something. I hope somebody touches me.
00:35:18
Speaker
Or when he pisses, he's like, just out of control. Maybe when you put your pants all the way down to your knees, when you're pissing at a urinal, you have a huge cock. I can't get it past my, I can't pull it out. I have to get it past my underwear. Huge cock. I got to pull all my pants down so I can whip it out finally. Once the, once the pants hit the ground, the dick comes free. Yeah. It's usually an old white guy. Just a white guy and just a flat ass. Like what are you doing? It's like, maybe somebody will finger it maybe.
00:35:48
Speaker
My balls are literally hanging in my pants still. You just see them swinging like a pendulum. I'm going to have such horrible old man balls. Like they're going to be so fucking huge. I think they're there. No, they'll get bigger and or, or gravity will pull them down farther. I guess. That's cool though. You can do some cool tricks and stuff with them like a yo-yo.
00:36:09
Speaker
Right. You could, um, as a weapon, like you could hit people over the head with them. Oh shit. That'd be cool. Um, there was a time where it was my cousins.
00:36:22
Speaker
Bachelor party birthday party. It was some party and I had just gotten divorced. So I was like, I was, it was rough for me, dude. We went, we go ahead from a lady. I know where you're going. First and second marriage. First. I never got divorced on my second marriage.
00:36:46
Speaker
I haven't had a second marriage. You make one mistake, you don't make it twice. All right, good. So we went and we were drinking in the back of this minivan. We had a DD. We're all drinking and smoking. First of all, when you say DD, I'm thinking of a hot chick with fucking just a chick of fat titties driving the car for us. Yeah.
00:37:07
Speaker
Yeah, so we had a DD and we were smoking in the car and drinking and I was pouring like kind of like a big cup like yours name like a big big gulp cup.
00:37:18
Speaker
I'd ice in it and I was pouring whiskey in it and I hit, we hit like a weird bump, but I just fucking burned my drink so bad. Like, I guess I got to finish this. You were pouring it. Like you're trying to put like, all right, one shot. Yeah. I was like, I was like, just a little bit. We're going to have a good night. Yeah. I was like, I'll just have a little bit. And I poured a lot of that bottle in there. Like it dropped into the cup and just started pouring.
00:37:44
Speaker
So I pulled it out, give it back, let them have it and pour some coke in it. Started drinking that and it was so bad. I couldn't even like taste the coke. Right. All you tasted was burn. Yeah. We're going to strip club. There's like in the middle of nowhere and we go in there because it's the only nude, like fully nude strip club. Like everything. You know what I mean? Like everything's gone. Like it's like Oregon.
00:38:06
Speaker
I, yeah, I'd never been to one before like that. Um, when I was only been in topless, so I was super excited. We got there and I was fucked up, super fucked up. We started doing shots at the bar. Um, and I guess you shouldn't have done. No. And then I guess I remember going to the stage and then I guess like next thing I remember out of a bar and a stripper is like yelling at me saying that I didn't pay or something. Like I had a private dance.
00:38:36
Speaker
Oh, you went to the back.
Blackouts and Reflexes
00:38:38
Speaker
Yeah. And I was like, fine. Just take it. Take my money. Girls don't give a fuck. And I just started throwing money at her like, take it all. I'll give a fuck. Girls hate me. I was like, sad and shit. I'm going to the bathroom. I don't know.
00:38:54
Speaker
I don't know. I went to the bathroom, dude. And next thing I know, I'm blacked out again and I wake up and I guess my cousins like come to get me. I'm standing in the corner outside the bathroom, like, like fucking Blair Witch Project, looking in the corner, standing. I passed out standing like black outstanding. Right. So you're leaning into the corner.
00:39:18
Speaker
Yeah, dude, I'm so fucked up and he came and got me. He's like, we got to go outside, dude. We went outside and he's like, you got to throw up. I'm like, I don't think so, man. He was actually, he was legitimate. You thinking you were going to have alcohol poisoning. I think so, dude. He's like, you got to throw up because he's never seen me like that.
00:39:36
Speaker
And I'm like, Oh, and he's like, just put your finger down your throat. I'm like, I don't want to do that. He's like, you want me to do it? Like I got it. I'll do it. So I started doing that. And some guys, so he's trying to handle me. Right. And that sounds creepy, but he's trying to help me out. And some dudes were talking shit to us, I guess. So he's yelling shit across the parking lot and fucking, uh,
00:40:16
Speaker
Two more where two more we're gonna be fine. I thought we'd be fucked up Two more. Holy shit. Yeah, that's good. I'm starting to feel it now. I
00:40:25
Speaker
Yeah, I feel a little bit warm. So I'm trying to throw up and these guys are yelling at us. I'm throwing up as I'm realizing like he's out over there trying to fight him. They stopped and came back around. I'm throwing up and then I go over there and try to help him. So your finger work.
00:40:42
Speaker
Yeah, I figured the shit out of my throat. I got you girls to feel like. So I, uh, I became my own dream, my own fantasy. And, uh, so I was, I finished throwing up and ran over and tried to help him and push some dudes off of him and they ended up getting back in the car and leaving. Did he get his ass kicked? He was kind of babysitting me. It was his party and he was like, Hey, dude, you need to go throw up. And he's like finding me in a corner. I'm throwing money on this tripper that telling him like, no one loves me.
00:41:12
Speaker
I think so. You don't even remember. I don't. The marriage didn't last very long. No, he's married. But I thought they were already married. Maybe they were just together. It was not. I think it was, I think it, I think it might've been. We went pretty hard, dude. I spoke so much weed in the back of that van. Afterwards or before? Before. So you were much afterwards. You were high as fuck and drunk as fuck.
00:41:40
Speaker
Yeah, they got me back with the dude. He got us back to his house. I passed out there. Another dude passed out there and pissed his couch. He was pissed about that. That guy's a piece of shit. Yeah, he didn't. I mean, he's like he meant to know. First of all, that's the guy that I told you that listen, motherfucker. Which guy did you say? You got that grab in my shirt drunk right now. No, I'll grab it for you. There you go.
00:42:08
Speaker
Listen, no one pisses their pants. I don't care how drunk they are. You don't piss your pants. People piss their pants. I've never pissed my pants out, no matter how drunk I've ever been. I've puked. You think he did it on purpose? Yes. No, I think he's just a piece of shit, like he's a pussy. He can't hold his fucking... He's a child. Why is he a piece of shit? Are we talking about you?
00:42:36
Speaker
Have you pitched your pants? It's not me, dude. No, I was going to tell you, it's that dude. Remember that dude I had? I've pissed my pants before. I'm old. I've had it happen before. We know you've shit your pants, but that's a different reason for that. I was sick. I was very sick. Yeah. Yeah. But remember that's that guy I told you about. Fuck off, dude.
00:43:01
Speaker
Then we're back. We're back. I had to go. I had to go blow chunks. That's not true. That's not true, right? No, I have. I'm in a hotel. So who knows what my internet's like? It's probably dog shit. It's late. You know what's going on. Yeah. People are spanking their monkeys and flicking their beans. Yeah. It's beat dick a cock, dude.
00:43:25
Speaker
First of all, if you're in a hotel, there's probably, you never usually stay by yourself unless you're me or you. So there's probably- Don't say it like that, dude. That's true. You make it sound like we're fucking lonely. I mean, we're, I'm on the road for like 10 days at a time. I did, I know. Yeah, sorry, man. I did send a text to our boss.
00:43:51
Speaker
about congratulating him on his title. And I did auto corrected to titties. Our boss is getting a sex change. Yeah, dude. He said, he goes, you know, I know what you're googling out there. I put in a search bar titties. If he only fucking knew what you were googling. If I only knew what you were googling. Oh, true it. Imagine what I've told you. Now double the fucking weirdness.
00:44:21
Speaker
Yeah, I can't imagine because I think I'm a fucked up piece of shit. The stuff I look at. But yeah, I can imagine. You're a tame dude. You're mundane. I guess so. Scoring. You're like just like I like squirting and whole hand holding. I didn't. I've never said hand holding ever. Do we see this hand holding porn? But we're they're just holding hands. Well, they're fine. Yeah. Like, oh, God, I love how I squeeze in our hands so hard.
00:44:51
Speaker
Abusive hand-holding. We were talking about that dude. Remember that dude? That's that guy I told you about where he wanted me to fuck his pants. The guy that pissed his pants. He wanted me to fuck his wife. Remember that? Kind of. Is this the one where you crashed at this place? No, I partied there. I've never crashed there. I didn't trust it.
00:45:18
Speaker
OK, I'll tell you why. All right. I would have totally fucked his wife. She's pretty hot. They're not together anymore, but you definitely fuck his ex-wife. Definitely, definitely. Like she was hitting on me all the time. Super like said, very attractive. And I remember coming to his house once and saying, hey, what's up, man? He came over, hugged me and then he kissed me on the neck.
00:45:44
Speaker
What? I was done, dude. When you say he kissed you on the neck, unlike the back, like when he was hugging me, like kiss my neck on the way, like when he's like moving away, he goes like, you're super friendly or you're fucking questionable? First of all, like, OK. I've I've had hugs that made me uncomfortable, right? Yeah. It was OK. That was normal. Yeah. Well, normal. He hugged you enough to where he got his his lips behind your back.
00:46:15
Speaker
Fair, fair. That's a big hug. Yeah, that's true. Um, so first of all, you're like, I'm like, oh, I've been longing for love my whole life and just some affection. Thank you. But my mom does make good Turkey. Yeah, she does. I'm going to tell you said that I'm going to send it as she listens, dude. And I'm going to give her your fucking address. All I'm saying is for you to not like Turkey, you've had some fucked up Turkey in your life.
00:46:42
Speaker
Yeah, but that's someone I was making. It's real gamey. But so like I told her, I'm like, hey, I would love to bang you out, whatever. I'm like, but you have to promise me he's not going to touch me. She's like, I can't promise that. So like I'd be hitting any really touch my butt. What did he really say? He couldn't promise that. She said she couldn't promise that. Oh.
00:47:09
Speaker
So she knew what was up. She knew that if you fucked her, you were gonna get fucked too. Yeah, I don't wanna pull out and then he sucks my dick. That'd be all right. I don't think so, man. We couldn't be friends anymore. The best part would be is if you're fucking her, you're just hammering her and then suddenly there's a dick in your ass. That'd be horrible. No doubt. The human centipede, dude.
00:47:39
Speaker
I'm just in the middle like he's just fucking me through her fucking her through me. Like, what do you do at that point? Leave screaming. You can't leave your fucking stock in the middle to describe. Right. Probably grab his dick with my ass and turn hard left and turn that shit into an L. So, like, that's why I didn't want to do it because I don't want to ruin our friendship because I'd be like, dude, I can't hang out with you. You try to fuck me, bro. Are you guys still friends?
00:48:05
Speaker
No, we haven't talked for a long time. I don't really talk to anybody anymore since taking this job, though. Here's what I want you to do. Not that it matters. No more sports or nothing. Not that it matters at all. But here's what you I would like. You want me to fuck him? No, no, that wouldn't turn me on at all. What's going to turn you on? I don't want to play this game. I want you to find out if he's gay.
00:48:33
Speaker
How? By going in like, hey, I want to fucking make out. No, easy. Like you haven't seen him in how many years? Mm hmm. So look him up, see like if he's married to a guy or. No, dude, he was with chicks. Like he just might be a little bi or something when he gets fucked up. But like he is with the hottest fucking chicks all the time. He knows all the hot strippers like as friends. Well, of course. He's with the hottest fucking chicks. Because he's not a threat.
00:49:03
Speaker
He bangs those chicks. Well, sure he does, but also, um, he's banging other dudes that are banging his chicks. Maybe, but I don't know. I don't know. It sounds pretty legit to me. Yeah. I mean, that's where I feel like a little repressed. Like maybe that's the cool thing to do, but I just can't do it, man. You can't, you can't be bi.
00:49:27
Speaker
I can't. Is that the cool thing to do? I don't know. Maybe. I don't think there's a cool thing to do. I don't think there's a cool thing to do. I want to put a strap on in your ass. Why? That's a power thing.
00:49:41
Speaker
Maybe. Oh, that's a hundred percent. That's a hundred percent of power thing because they know like, they're like, Oh, they're fucking me. Like they're totally like a dominating me. I'd like to dominate them once just to sit, you know, they could see how it is. Would you rather let them fuck you in the ass or just rail your throat with a fucking strap on? No, God. No answer after this.
00:50:16
Speaker
That was rough. That wasn't bad. That was a rough one for me. First of all, I have a very, very sensitive gag reflex. So the ass. It would have to be the ass. They prefer that, I think.
00:50:37
Speaker
I don't know. You like blow jobs more. So you I do. I love that. I would deep throat whatever size fucking deals or they have and be like, why is this so fucking hard? Right. You don't have a gag reflex. I would hold it and I would throw up in my mouth and swallow it down just to prove a point. That's OK. I would. You're still my point, dude. I'd be like, look, you're like always whining about it. Like, why do you keep pushing my head down? Like, it's not hard.
00:51:07
Speaker
I just did it. I don't suck any dicks, and I just outdid you. You've been doing this your whole fucking life. First of all, that is horrifying, just picturing you doing that. Yeah? Yeah. Because if you could do that to a dildo, you would have no problem doing that to a softer, fleshier cop. I would have a problem, because I would be like, hey, I don't want to do that. I don't want you to come in my mouth. Well, I don't want any dicks in my mouth.
00:51:35
Speaker
I will tell you, I'm very curious of what a dick tastes like. That sounds gay. Right. But I'm like, I wonder what my dick tastes like. Which makes it blows my mind a little bit because we've talked about this. If I could remove a rib and suck my own dick, I will absolutely do it. And you said you would not.
00:51:53
Speaker
I would not suck my own dick. I have no where it's gone. I know what's been happening to it. Yeah. You know how clean it is. You can clean the fucking thing. That's true. I don't know. I don't think I'd like to suck my own dick. I'd hand jobs as far as I go. I'm a real fucking shitty date. All right. But first of all, you said you'd like to, you want, hold on. Let me rephrase that. I don't want to put you in a bad light. You wonder what a dick tastes like. If you could suck your own dick, you would know. Yeah. Maybe just for that fact.
00:52:22
Speaker
All right. Like, is it like an elbow? Like, if I lick my arm, does my arm taste like my dick? Ladies, tell me. I would think it would be more like not an elbow. I think a dick. Like a ball sack. I don't know my ball sack tastes like either. Like a nipple. To me, it would be like a huge fucking nipple. OK, what's your nipple taste like? Can you lick a nipple? I've tasted lots of nipples. Your own nipple. I don't need to taste my own nipple to know what a nipple tastes like. True, I guess.
00:52:55
Speaker
Not cause dicks aren't bad at all as far as taste. Just think if a nipple was the size of like a water bottle and you're just maybe a slightly smaller around. Does that have a small mouth? Um, but that's like, to me, that's what like a dick would taste like. Dude. So ladies.
00:53:15
Speaker
I kind of lost my train of thought. Listen, you're sucking on nipples and dicks or whatever. I wasn't sucking on dicks. Sorry. Relax. All right. Um, what's it, do dicks taste different? Like would mine taste different than yours? Oh, I guarantee there's probably some nasty taste in dicks. And like, it depends on how clean you are when they're sucking your dick because a chick, like a nasty chick will just suck your dick no matter what time of day or what you've done.
00:53:45
Speaker
Yeah, I know. Those are true. But to be fair, I'll look at I'll look at chicks asshole no matter what time of day or what she's done. So that's pretty nasty, too. All right. Some drunken honesty there. I am. I don't know, man. I probably do it just in the heat of the moment. But afterwards, I'm like, what the fuck did I do? Uh, if you if you sucked a dick.
00:54:15
Speaker
ate an asshole like just like just come from the gym. What did I just do? You just came from you just came from the gym, I guess. How good is it? I mean, passion makes you do some dumb shit. That's how much asshole is good. That's how good asshole is. There you go. That's how much asshole is good. Yeah, I had to rephrase it. That was good, dude. How are you doing on your shots? I have one left.
00:54:41
Speaker
I know we got to, we got to pour more. I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take it. We can't this, I guess we can. I guess it depends on how long this episode is. We'll end it soon, but we'll go to the Patreon. Yeah, we'll go to the Patreon and I'll just be drinking my mixed drink. Do I sound like fucking- I just sent you a picture. Do I sound sultry?
00:55:03
Speaker
You do. You sound like chicks to have that weird like sultry, like like a smoker, like a voice. You do. You sound like a chick that smokes like a chick. Fuck you, bro. Well, you wanted to know if it was if you were a girl. You're the one that just asked. I know. I made a mistake. I'm playing. You help me, man. I got a little buzz going. I'm feeling good.
00:55:28
Speaker
Yeah, me too. I didn't think it would work. I didn't think it would work. We should do this every episode. Didn't I just tell you that before we even tried this? What, that it wouldn't work? No, that we would probably do this every time. I don't think we can do this every time. We probably can, but we should do it. Once a month. As much as we can. Once a quarter. Once a month is good. We barely do episodes, bro. Hey, first of all, everyone,
00:55:56
Speaker
We are very inconsistent, but we've made a promise to each other as, uh, as, uh, as friends, made a promise to each other as friends that we would do this. You made this consistently by saying it like that, but it's not gay.
00:56:15
Speaker
He said, as friends. As friends. Okay. Listen, everyone. Wait, are you trying to tell me something? Do you think I'm trying to come on to you, bro? You're trying to let me know we're friends only? I'm never, I'm never going to let TK come on me. I promise that. I wouldn't do it on you, bro. I have respect for you. I do it like on your pillow.
00:56:36
Speaker
Um, so what the fuck were we talking about? Dick taste that we can move on. Well, we were talking about what would, what like, well, you're asking the ladies if a Dick tastes different. Well, of course it tastes different. What else are they like? What are they comparing it to? Does the dude from the Mediterranean taste like a Euro? Oh, here's the thing. Here's the thing I want to know how many girls out there actually like the taste of cum.
00:57:03
Speaker
And is, does that taste different between guys? True. It depends on dad, I think. Supposedly, but I want to know, like, does it really? Is it really that, like, can you really tell? Because I know the asshole doesn't really taste that different if it's clean. It's kind of a lot of bit of nothing. Yeah. It's just like a hole. It's a really tight hole that you, it's real hard to get your tongue into.
00:57:34
Speaker
Try to get it in there? Yeah, try to get it away up in there. All right. I'd like to see a girl that was like not ready for that. Just her face up front. You can't see her face. So like her is like surprised. Have you ever licked an asshole where they were like pulling away, but you grab it in, you force it in, and then once you do, they're like leaning into you. They like it that much.
00:58:04
Speaker
Yeah. I've had chicks like fucking ride my face where I thought I was going to die. So like they're starting to fuck your face. Well, that was the one where you threw her off the bed and broke her legs and stuff. That'd be crazy. You have to all call an ambulance, put your pants on the ambulance coming. That'd be fucked up.
00:58:26
Speaker
I'm watching the clock here. By the way, we're going to we're going to tease the Patreon. OK. We're going to be we're going to be talking about websites. We're going to be talking about dating sites. We're dating sites. We're dating sites. We're going to make it. We're going to make an ad in one of them for both of us as a couple. We're going to we're going to not make an ad, but we're going to post as a couple, a straight hetero couple. Well, I think you have to make an ad that way.
00:58:55
Speaker
I don't think it's an ad or whatever it's called. When you make a profile profile, you make a profile. So we're going to make a profile on at least one or two of these weird sites. And I don't even know what the sites are. I haven't even looked at the link. I read them, dude. They're fucking there's some weird ones.
Niche Dating Discussions
00:59:11
Speaker
So I'll say right now, like read some of them quick. Let's do that. We'll close it out without what they are. We may be like vampires. I'm going to fucking or we may be Hitler youth. I don't know what we're going to be into here.
00:59:25
Speaker
Hitler youths. I don't have, neither of us have blonde hair. You're close. I'm pretty close. And I have, I have the last name that, that really fucking seals the deal. Oh, they would not accept you. No, they would. You could be an agent at this point with your fucking last name. You should be really good with money. Why are you so bad with money, dude? What the fuck? I'm very, very good with money. You're very, you're very free with it.
00:59:51
Speaker
So, some of the streams dating sites that we could expect to see is metal dating. So, this is for metal dating. So, this is for metal dating. So, this is for metal dating. So, this is for metal dating. So, this is for metal dating. So, this is for metal dating. So, this is for metal dating.
01:00:17
Speaker
Fire. Yeah, we might do every 20 minutes on the Patreon or something. Yeah, we get three more in. What are we, pussies? Definitely not. By the end, we're going to be like, oh, what a motherfucker feels like. I know. Do we become gay or as we get drunk or I hope not? I hope not. Well, let's listen to this before we put it out. No, no, we'll put it out. I mean, we put out anything we put out. Ladies, we put out.
01:00:44
Speaker
Um, another one here, another, another dating site for 20 singles. I wonder what that is. That one, I would be dominant. So we're not going to put one in there. No women behind bars. That turns me on. Me too. A little bit. Cause I can't, I don't have to do anything. You've seen the TikToks. I've sent you a bunch of them, the women behind bars. Yeah. Um, J day. And it's all like chicks from Idaho. So there's some free people that are close to you.
01:01:13
Speaker
Yeah, in Idaho is, I guess, you know, a state away or two states away. But I would love that because they like like send me a titty pic. Yeah. You're not get out for six years. I have time to do it. I want to use five bucks for your commissary. Yeah, exactly. You want some cookies? You're welcome. They want to see you. I want to see you get railed by a guard. Cool. I'll send you some soup money. The craziest chicks have to be jail chicks, right?
01:01:42
Speaker
Crazy chicks are the ones that fuck the best. That is a fact throughout the world. So chicks in jail have to fuck like amazing. True. There are some chicks that are like very straight arrow on the outside that are freaks like teachers. Sure. Um, teachers, uh, politicians. Really? That's where you go to politicians next. Okay. I'm just thinking of like the lawyers.
01:02:10
Speaker
Well, I know I'd hammer the fuck out of her. Would ya? Too soon. Too soon. Don't hammer the fuck out of her. Good one. That's a political joke. No one knows it. No one knows. I guarantee you. No, I guarantee everyone knows that Nancy Pelosi's husband got fucking beaten with a hammer. He got hammered. By a Canadian. Ball peen.
01:02:33
Speaker
A Canadian was like, I hate America so much, I'm gonna beat fucking Nancy Pelosi's husband to death. What kind of hammer? A ball peen hammer? A claw hammer? What's funny is it was his hammer. It was Mr. Pelosi's hammer. He beat him with his own hammer. He did. So here's the craziest fucking part of this whole thing. No, here we go. The guy walks in and goes, oh, Nancy. Oh, Nancy. They have audio of it.
01:03:02
Speaker
And then he comes out with a hammer in his underwear and he's like, what's going on here? And he wrestles with the guy. The guy gets the hammer out of Pelosi's hand. Starts beating him with it. The cops come in and they're, they were, they're watching this guy beat the fuck out of this 78 year old man with a hammer with his own hammer. That'd be a crazy thing to see too attuned to his underwear getting beat with a hammer.
01:03:28
Speaker
Oh, fuck. I thought you had to put your pants on before you go outside in this hotel. Very sad story. Very sad story. So what other ones? Can Do Better. The idea behind Can Do Better dating site is for you to create a profile of you and your current partner. This is the one we need to be on. That's the one. The site's visitors will vote for the one between you and your partner who deserves better.
01:03:58
Speaker
I could do better than you. But that sucks, though, because it's only going to be dudes. Yeah, we don't want that. Gothic match. That's kind of sounds good. All right. Yeah, you like cutters. Singles with food allergies. That's stupid. I'll be like, do you just like Turkey? All right. Millionaire dating app. OK, let's let's be fucking sugar babies. That's dumb. We can be sugar babies.
01:04:28
Speaker
Stash passions Sweet stashes and fresh chicks who want stash bros well dresses the fucking two two-thirds of the fucking I can't think I don't know the name. How do you think it's the Magnum PI? Oh, I was thinking of the YMCA guys. Oh
01:04:51
Speaker
Oh, okay. What's the YMCA? They're not called YMCA. Oh, I don't know what the fuck they're called. Oh my God. I hate myself. Yeah, I bet you do. I have this on my playlist. I'm thinking you're thinking. We could do this, date my pet. That's weird. I don't like that.
01:05:16
Speaker
Clown dating. That'd be cool. Let's go back to the date. My pet. All right. I like clown dating, but I like being too, but I'm saying like, what kind of chick, what kind of pet would you get? Like, like she has a horse. Like I'm dating you. I want to see some weird shit. Well, yeah. So basically, um, here's how it works. Uh, you, you may not only find a date for your pet, but also for yourself. So you're, you're getting a date for your pet. Yes. That's gay.
01:05:45
Speaker
That's pretty gay. I'm gonna tell it was telling me of goldfish. They are gay. They are gay. Why are you gay?
Vampire and Clown Dating Humor
01:05:52
Speaker
Vampire passions. I want to do that one. I like vampire chicks. I like blood. So, you know me. That's true. And the last one I will tease. That's it. That's the last one I will tease. That's the last one in this particular link. There's other links though.
01:06:13
Speaker
There's some weird ones in there, man. The vampire one interests me. Vampires, clowns. I don't want to bang a chick that wants to bang a clown. She scares me. I want to date a female clown.
01:06:27
Speaker
No, if I want to dress like a clown and I want a female clown, I don't want to date her. Right. I would like to I would do some role play like I don't know. I want to know if these are professional console. Let me read this. Ask any clown and they'll tell you how difficult it is to find love while wearing all that makeup and big red nose clown dating. On the other hand, reverse this by helping clowns and meeting their special someone, a companion who will enjoy being amused by them every day as a clown.
01:06:55
Speaker
So like the idea of that's cool, but annoying to deal with. This is really for actual fucking clowns. Like a chick that's like squirting you with fucking water and giving you flowers. Like it's like mind dating. Be like, will you relax for a second? Jesus Christ. She's making you a balloon animal. Like make that into a dick and fuck yourself with it. I want to have a mind dating site. A mind dating site. That'd be cool. Cause they don't talk to you.
01:07:21
Speaker
You don't talk to you and you don't even have to touch them. You could just do the motions and they're like, I just fired you pretend to fuck her. And she's like, Oh, she covers her mouth. Like, Oh, I'm going to fuck to death. You're horrible, dude. You better fill some more shots up.
01:07:38
Speaker
All
Patreon Content Tease
01:07:39
Speaker
right. So what we're going to do is we're going to go to the Patreon now and we'll see what we have lined up for shots and stories. We're going to throw up. All right. Yeah. Yeah. We've got to be careful. What do we do? We ride the bull. We ride the bull, motherfuckers.