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NTK318 - Santa's Little Shop of Horrors
63 Plays2 years ago
Noodles and TK discuss everything Christmas and come up with a new business idea.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
You're listening to the Cheap Shots Podcast Network.
Nostalgic Audio Memories
00:00:37
Speaker
Jingle bells, your taint smells. Oh yeah. It doesn't. I just showered right before this. I want to be fresh for you. Thank you. I'm fresh, bro. I'm fresh to death. You sound good. You sound really good. Yeah. I don't have my microphone with me. So I'm talking straight into the fucking computer. Old school. Pretty bad. So it's like we're doing one of those, uh, when we were kids, you just talk into the cassette tape.
00:01:07
Speaker
Oh, man. That would be ridiculous. But me and my buddy, we had, we did, uh, we did straight up, uh, videos. We did like talk shows. Uh, we did music videos. It was pretty bad. How'd you do videos on cassette tape? You guys might've been camcorder. Oh, fine. Those please. I was Wolfman Jack.
00:01:35
Speaker
Yeah, I would like to hear all of those. Get them so we can put them on the Patreon, dude. I don't know if they still exist off the look. All right, ask your dad, where do you hide your shame? I think it might be my friend might have some of those. That was not the dead one, because that sounded like something the retard would do. No, no, it wasn't Hank. Hank, pick up Hanks.
00:02:02
Speaker
No, no, this was, uh, I mean, we did like, uh, masters of the universe. Um, or we were he-man and, uh, the kind of conversations did you have as he-man? Hey, how are you doing? Do you like my muscles? Yeah, I do like your muscles. What about you? Yeah, I got muscles. I do a lot of pump. We would be like, uh, trying to save the Prince, uh, princess and stuff on a video. We got his sister involved in it. Oh, that's hot.
Audio Quality and Drinking Games
00:02:33
Speaker
I want to see these for sure. Um, yeah, Dan Rather. How's Dan Rather? Yeah. What kind of breaking news did you do? Uh, I don't remember, but it wasn't in my bedroom. We even did commercials. You're pretty cool. You think you'd be better at this then? I'm pretty good. You are pretty good. Yeah. I'm better than you even without a microphone.
00:03:02
Speaker
Fair enough. That should be a drinking game. Uh, on all pod, all of these podcasts you listen to whoever's listening anytime I say fair enough. No, anytime I say fair enough, take a drink. It's a lot. Right. It's, he has nothing better to say. If it's where I was like, I don't want to go any further. Fair enough.
Travel Woes and Hotel Troubles
00:03:24
Speaker
Fair enough.
00:03:26
Speaker
Bro, I'm sitting here, I'm sitting here in jockeys and a sweat, like a quarter zip with just some Chester hanging up. If I had a nice gold chain, I would look pretty cool. Would you? So right now you don't look cool. Not as cool as I could by the way, chain to finish this. My, my audio sounds like shit and I'm sick. So I sound even double like shit. Um, I just want to throw that out there because it's not good.
00:03:56
Speaker
Yeah. I want to, I want to tell a story about kind of what's going on in my travel as much as I tell you, we shouldn't do that. Well, before, before we do that, we have to say this is the Christmas episode. This is a Christmas episode. My nuts are not roasting because I am in some breathable jockeys only. Didn't you just tell me like you could, like you were, you were actually roasting. You can't turn down the heat. I changed rooms. That's part of the story. Oh yes.
00:04:26
Speaker
So first of all, breaks shit all the time. I fucking break shit. That's that sounds like a limp biscuit song. Give him something to break. Give me something to break. Uh, we arrived here and apparently the travel agents hate me and they decided I should get my car in Detroit. And I was like hundreds of miles away. Where'd you land? Uh, Columbus, Ohio.
00:04:54
Speaker
Yeah. And they're like, no, you're, you're car rentals in Detroit, Michigan. No way. I didn't, I didn't land in Columbus. I landed in Saginaw or something. Where's that? I don't know. Michigan, nowhere. I got to turn this phone down. I landed in Saginaw. I'm going to try to get a car. They're like, you don't have a car. Cool.
00:05:21
Speaker
They said they had some dirty ones, but they didn't really have any cars ready to go. So call the travel agent. She tried to hook it up. She got a confirmation number from the same fucking rental place we always go to. And you can say, I went back there and I said, Hey.
00:05:39
Speaker
We have a confirmation code. Can you give me a car? Like the old, there was an old guy. He's like, we don't have any fucking cars. He's so mad at me. But you said you had dirty ones, bro. Give me a dirty one. I don't care. I'm going to dirt. Unless it's covered in jizz. So they, when they said they had dirty ones, they're like, all we have are dirty cars. Yeah. And you're like, Oh, okay. No, I was like, I'll take one of those. He's like, we don't have any cars. Like you just said you had dirty ones, but all right.
00:06:09
Speaker
He's like, I don't want to go get them. Right. They sound. Saginaw does not sound like a very nice airport. No, Saginaw. Get your shit together. Well, it's kind of our fault, not theirs. But if a guy wants a dirty car, give him a dirty car. Like I said, as long as it's not fucking ectoplasm everywhere, spiderwebs, Spideywebs. Spiderwebs would even be better. I'm talking human created Spideywebs. Oh, that'd be better than other things.
00:06:40
Speaker
That's Jizz. Yeah, I know. Spiderwebs, at least, you know, you can rag those away. Okay. Not, I'm talking Jizz. All right, so, as long as the car is not covered in Jizz, we're good. And by then it's probably dried. I'll sit on dry Jizz. I'm not gonna get pregnant. So that happened. And then I got, we finished that, came here. And I got, the hotel is pretty sweet. It's one of those kind of, we have a living room.
00:07:08
Speaker
in a bedroom and like three different TVs in the room. Yeah. Homewood. Yep. That's what I got. And, uh, I couldn't change the temperature. So I was pretty much buck naked sleeping. I did have a ceiling fan, which was moving around a lot, which I was a little nervous about. And then this morning I got up to take a shower. The handle is hard to turn. It's one of those counter we have to turn it. It's just one handle. Yeah.
00:07:38
Speaker
And I tried to turn it to hot and I started so open up. I was like, okay, I got a little, I got a little wet. It was cold and I was so open up and I was waiting for it to warm up and it did not. I couldn't get it to go any hotter. So I took a very cold shower this morning, which was life changing. Was it lukewarm at least? No. And by the way, I, it was a slightly warmer than, I mean, all the way cold, but not much. Why is it called lukewarm?
00:08:07
Speaker
I don't know, man. You have to look that up. Okay. I just figured you might know. You think I know that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a wealth of knowledge. Uh, so this morning when I was doing that, I was like, fuck. So I took that cold, that shower, which was like said invigorating shrunk a little bit. Yeah. You had a teeny Dick when you stepped out of that.
00:08:29
Speaker
Yeah, I had to do it. I was covered in soap. So I did that. I finished up. I kept jumping it out of the water. Like I was playing double Dutch. And then I finished, I called down and said, Hey, I couldn't turn the water back off. Like that's up with that part.
00:08:48
Speaker
Well, that's what I'm saying. Like you couldn't turn any hotter because something broke in it when I was turning it. So it wouldn't go any hotter, right? So it also wouldn't turn off after that. It got to a point and said, that's enough. I'm breaking. You're very hard on stuff. Yeah. I'm fucking Hulk smash. And I called down and said, Hey, I'm going to go to work. If you guys could get this fixed today, you have all day. Um, the water still running and also clean my room.
00:09:17
Speaker
Um, uh, I usually don't have that done, but I was like, people are coming in anyway. So I had them clean the room. I came back and when I opened the door, I heard the shower running still. It had been running all day. No one came up to do shit. They didn't clean the room. The room was clean. The bed was made and all that good stuff. The maid's like, ah, I can clean the room. I ain't fixing that shit. You're not saying it with the right accent. Me fluff your pillow.
00:09:47
Speaker
That's not even what she said, but so I called back down like, Hey, this thing's still going. Can you send someone up? They sent someone up. He's like, all right, good news is I can get it turned off. Bad news is I can't get it turned back on. I'm like, all right, that's a problem. I'm here till Wednesday, which is like four or five days away. And I'm like, if you got another room, I'll take one. And he goes, Oh yeah, we have another room. All right. Well, they don't even tell me about the water. Give me my fucking key.
00:10:13
Speaker
Uh, so I just moved all my stuff to this room. The air conditioner works proper properly. It's not 600 degrees and my water works fine. I took a shower immediately to test it and it gets hot. Yes. So I'm living in the lap of luxury now. Right. You have basic hot water and, um, that's all you need. And I can adjust it from 600 degrees down to 200.
00:10:44
Speaker
Yeah, you tried to open your window last night. How'd that go? I thought about breaking it with a fucking chair. You can't open it. You can't open it. They know that I'll jump. It's only three stories. You don't have to worry. So that was my fun times. That's what I'm dealing with. That's where I'm at. Well, when I was in Salt Lake,
00:11:13
Speaker
It snowed like the two days I was there, it snowed like two feet each day. Okay. I did. So you have four feet. How many days did you say there was there six feet of snow when you left? No, there was, there was like two feet of snow. So you're there one day. It melted, it melted some each day and then it snowed, you know, started snowing at night. Like if you look at the picnic tables and stuff, they had like three feet of snow stacked on top of each other.
00:11:43
Speaker
So that was cool. And then my shower in salt lake had
Christmas Shopping and Trees
00:11:49
Speaker
two settings where it would dribble out or it would come out like knives, like absolute, like it was like a, um, uh, like a power washer set on the skinniest setting. I like that. No, it was very sensitive, horrible.
00:12:12
Speaker
Thousands of knives stabbing into your back. You have a sensitive back, huh? I do. I do have a very sensitive. I'm sensitive all over. You might be, dude. I turn it to that setting and like beat the fucking dirt off me. Well, it doesn't beat it off you. It slices it off you. Either way, I want it to beat it off me. Are you excited about Christmas?
00:12:39
Speaker
man, I hate Christmas. Um, what a consumer. I had you and they're all getting ordered probably marked and they know exactly what they're getting. How do they know what they're getting? Probably because it's coming in a box. They have an idea. It has a name of the company on it. Probably. Right. Which we all know is it starts with a, an a. No, there's a lot. Shm. Amazon. There's some stuff from Shama Amazon. Uh,
00:13:10
Speaker
And then there's some fucking coat clothing from Peloton. Oh yeah. And shoes and some different things, but that's all showing up on the doorstep. Like it's like the Hanukkah. What do you mean? Just seven days of presence. Oh, just going to every day. Something else is showing up. Yep. I'm like wrap your own presence so you can unwrap it later.
00:13:37
Speaker
I was gone for 20 days and then I was home for two and then I was out for three, four days and I was home for maybe two more and I was gone again. We have like 12 trees. Oh, give them their fucking tree. They're fucking it. We have two main trees. They're ridiculous. What do you mean by two main trees? So like there's one big tree in the upstairs. There's one big tree in the downstairs.
00:14:06
Speaker
You put presence under each. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Um, mostly the presence are in the downstairs one. That's where people come over. That's the place to congregate. Oh, why? The upstairs one is just to annoy me to have to look at it every time I'm home. What's that? Why, why, why is the downstairs the place to be? It's kind of like set up for more people. It's a very, it's very nice and festive.
00:14:37
Speaker
That's also where you work. Yeah, kind of. Well, not in that where the tree is. The downstairs, I have my own office area and then there's way over there. There's tree. I can't see any of that. Are any of these trees real? No. All fake. Yeah, of course. Well, I mean, I don't know why, of course. Do you have a real tree? We used to not anymore. Yeah. Do you love bringing that in and out and just shit falling everywhere and people getting stabbed?
00:15:06
Speaker
I do like a real tree, a real tree. There's something different about a real tree. It's way more difficult though. Uh, it's just a lot easier to have a fake tree. Yeah. Now they come with lights already done and everything. You just pop it up. It's almost like an umbrella. Yeah. Um, you just got to spread the branches out a little bit. Uh, yeah, I mean, I can't touch them anymore. I won't, you won't touch them. Oh yeah. You're allergic to fake trees. I must be. There's a fire retardant for fire retards, which is me.
00:15:38
Speaker
And no doubt I tried to put one, help put one together years ago and it fucked me up for like a week. My hands and arms had never been so itchy in my life. Like I was rubbing them and like liquid was coming out of my skin. It was bad. So you have the best of both worlds.
00:16:01
Speaker
You don't have to get a real tree and put that up and you can't put up a fake tree. So you're just like, I guess you're going to have to put up the fake tree. If I do help, I have to dress like hazmat or like bunny suit and some gloves. So you do help. No. Oh, but if I do, that's what I would have to do. So that's not happening. I would look like I'm coming in to dispose a bomb.
00:16:28
Speaker
I would come in and just a huge suit, like sweating and stuff, trying to put one ornament on. So you don't even put ornaments on. I don't touch it, dude. I'll help. Like here, here's an ornament. There you go. I'll put a hook on it. There you go. Do you guys have like special ornaments from years gone by? Yeah, that's not by choice. That's by they're doing. We have tons of them. Like we're like, we're the worst keys or something.
Childhood Gift Expectations
00:16:56
Speaker
What's it called?
00:16:57
Speaker
Sworesky, I think it's like a weird, I don't know. See, I don't want to say like, not like a diamond, but a crystal. You guys go all out. I don't. Uh, if it was up to me, dude, it would be just a beer can tree, which I've done a bachelor days. I had a beer can tree. Well, you just set them up in the pyramid style. Basically. Put lights on them.
00:17:28
Speaker
That's hard to do unless you glue them. Yeah, you have to glue them. Then your, your, your bum friend wouldn't be able to collect those cans later. So no, if you glue it, you have to have one of your drunk friends jump on it to smoosh it. You have to dare. I'm like, I dare you to smoosh the tree, bro. Cause you go rocketing into your wall. What's the, um,
00:17:54
Speaker
What's the worst gift you, you remember ever being given? So many, dude. Is there a lot? Yeah. I'm, I'm easy to please and hard to please all at once. Um, as a growing up, there's probably some, like, you get socks or something. Well, I'm talking about like, you want something and you didn't get it. And not only did you, did you not get it, but you got just like stuff you didn't want.
00:18:23
Speaker
I always get like clothes and stuff, which as a dude, so girls want clothes and things and dudes want gadgets and technology and things like that. Right. Wouldn't you say, I mean, for the most part, or is that just me? I would say, uh, or just in general, in general. I mean, I want electronics and stuff. Yeah. Kids want like the boys want like, uh, video games or
00:18:50
Speaker
monster trucks or, you know, remote control type shit. Yes. Um, so I want stuff like that. I don't want clothing like a Hey dude shoes or some shit. And you always got to take them back because they don't work out or they're terrible. So I'd much rather get electronics. I don't think I've ever had Hey dude shoes.
00:19:14
Speaker
Uh, they're kind of like cynics. Yeah, they're kind of like that. They feel like that. Um, so I did want to ask you, uh, children, if you are here, stop listening and you should never listen to this. If you're a child, I think you should, if you do, you're going to ask your parents, just listen.
00:19:37
Speaker
Right. Just giggle under your covers listening to us. Yeah. You don't know what half of it means, but you know, it's bad. Yeah. If your parents would object to you listening to it, then your parents suck and they're pieces of shit. So can we, can we incite them to do like a Menendez brothers situation? Oh, I'm sure we could.
00:20:02
Speaker
I'll let you do all that. No, I'm not going to do that. Uh, all right, kids turn off. You can listen to the next podcast. This isn't for you today. Yeah, this is how wait. Santa might be mad if you listen. Okay. So when did you find out Santa was not, um, delivering things to you?
00:20:24
Speaker
When did I find out he wasn't real anymore? I was trying not to say it that way. Kids, you should have stopped the fucking podcast. I found out when I was around 10, nine or 10. How do you watch your dad bang and your mom like drunk, putting presents out? No, I think it mostly had to do with people with other kids at school. Yeah. They kind of ruin it. They ruin it for you because like their parents are like,
00:20:53
Speaker
Santa's not real, like from the very beginning. Yeah. I kind of respect those parents. You respect them. I mean, what, what a weird world lie that we put out forever that we all were all in on. That's how you can show conspiracies do work. That's a conspiracy. Santa being real is a conspiracy. It's a conspiracy for a little while.
00:21:16
Speaker
Yes. Until you find out the truth. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So I was, uh, I think when my parents would admitted to it was, I don't know if it was like third or fourth grade. So you were probably 22. Yeah.
00:21:39
Speaker
I remember my dad told me to go to bed. You were 8 or 8, between 8 and 10 somewhere? Somewhere. My mom and dad would be like, you need to go to bed. Santa won't come. I know he's not real. My mom went to bed, I think, and I was still hanging out with my dad playing video games or doing something. And dad, I'm telling the story. You probably won't remember. You'll say you didn't do this, but this happened. So you thought he wasn't real even at that point? I knew my dad was real. No, you thought Santa wasn't real. Yes.
00:22:07
Speaker
before the story. Yes. Why? So I told, I don't probably kids. Okay. So I told my dad, I was like, I know Santa's not real, man. Like guaranteed he's not real. I know that. And he's like, okay, help me get the presence out of the trunk. All the presents out of the trunk and bring them in. So you wanted him to validate that he was real. And he's like, yeah,
00:22:35
Speaker
Fuck you. You're going to help me bring the presents I bought you. I didn't want him to validate. He's real. I just wanted him to sit like, I just wanted to stay up and he was like, Hey, good, go do some work then stack up your own presence. And then as you're bringing in, you're looking at which ones are for you. Like, I didn't get very many. You're looking around like this trunk isn't very big.
00:22:59
Speaker
Right, right. Help me get these presents out of the trunk of this Corvette. So that's what I found out ever since then, downhill. But I do want to ask you about your kids. Yeah, I think Carson, my youngest, he I think he's at the verge because he just turned 10 this month.
Parental Worries Then and Now
00:23:27
Speaker
And I believe
00:23:31
Speaker
I don't, I think he's right. Like I don't, I don't think he thinks Santa's real anymore, but I don't know for sure. You can't really ask him. Cause then he's like, he'll know. Yeah. Um, do you want to share that house Carson doing with his walks? His what? Walking. What does that mean? Walking school to school and home.
00:23:59
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I am living in the same house that I grew up in, which is weird. Yeah. So my kids are going to the exact same schools that I went to. And the elementary school is only two blocks away. And I remember I think the first year my mom would take me. But after that, like second through fifth grade, like I walked every day to and from school.
00:24:28
Speaker
And Carson is in fourth grade and I believe he started walking this year. And he doesn't walk very much. Is he scared or is he lazy? First of all, he doesn't walk to school. He gets taken to school because my wife works at the school. But my wife gets off to school later than
00:24:56
Speaker
You know, he gets on, he gets out of school before my wife does. So he either has to sit there and wait an hour or walk home. Uh, and he doesn't walk home very much. You can just make that happen. No, I can't. I have, I'm not, I'm not home enough to make it happen.
00:25:18
Speaker
Um, I like that he didn't want to tell you he needed a ride home the other day. He figured he had, he had my wife call me and say, can you pick Carson up? Because he didn't want it. He thought I'd be mad at him, which I kind of was more. I wasn't mad at him. I was just more irritated. I had to get up and go pick him up two blocks away. Are you embarrassed? No, it's a different, like my wife's, my whole wife's, uh,
00:25:48
Speaker
The whole family is super paranoid. Kids got stolen at the same rate back then. I remember when I first started dating my wife, I'd go to her house. And it was just a house full of women, right? It was her sister and her mom. And they lived out in the middle of nowhere, like 20 miles out of town in the middle of a forest. And they would lock their doors during the day.
00:26:17
Speaker
No wonder they were scared. They lived in a fucking forest full of Bigfoot. It was so weird to me that they locked the door during the day. Oh, we've always locked the doors, but we've lived in some pretty rough areas. Right. I mean, I've never had a lot. Like we didn't do that when I was growing up. Yeah. I've never locked during the day ever. It's just too much information now. I'm saying.
00:26:42
Speaker
There's just too much information now. So people are like, everybody's getting stolen every day. Like it was the same numbers back then. Probably hasn't gone up 150%. Oh, maybe. I don't know. I don't like our, our neighborhood isn't any less safe than it was when I was walking to school. So I remember I saw some weird shit when I was walking to school. I remember I would walk and I'd get three quarters of the way to the school. Um, or I would be coming home and I would see this guy.
00:27:13
Speaker
And he was in fatigue. He was like all dressed in army gear and he was like hiding. And he was like in bushes and stuff. And I was like, look, it just was bizarre. And like, he was trying to be, uh, like he was trying to hide from me. Maybe that guy was trying to take it. She has a point then that's pretty fucked up.
00:27:38
Speaker
He was waiting for a, you're an ugly kid. He's like, no, next I'll wait. Like I would notice him. I'm like, you're terrible at being camouflage. If that's what you're trying to do. Did you ever tell him like, Hey bud, I see you. No, I didn't talk to the guy. He was like an adult. I would have walked up and pissed on the Bush act. Like I didn't see him that he would have infuriated him and also made him very horny to see your little child. Dick.
00:28:08
Speaker
But when I said I wanted to talk about your kids, I meant more so like, um, I don't have
Gift Labeling Strategies
00:28:15
Speaker
kids. You know that. Well, we assume, we assume that there's probably some running around out there, but I mean, for this conversation, we'll, we'll say you don't have any. Okay. I have none. Yeah. And I know how I would treat it. Do you give your kids the good presence from Santa or do you like say Santa sucks?
00:28:37
Speaker
They get the stockings from Santa. That's it. Yes. From Santa is just the stockings. He just brings gum and stuff. Yep. Like candy and shit. Santa breaks in to bring you dollars or shit. Yeah. He does not get, uh, he does not give any big gifts ever. Good. That's how I'd be to him. I'm not giving him credit for like a PlayStation or something. And I'm giving him socks with my name on it.
00:29:05
Speaker
Often to know it came from my pocket. I remember my parents used to tell me like, we have to pay Santa for these gifts. Um, your parents would say you have to pay Santa. Not me. They would tell you that. They had to pay Santa. Right. They're like, we really want credit for this real bad. Maybe they're just like, we can't get you everything because Santa like doesn't take credit. He doesn't take food stamps. Yeah.
00:29:37
Speaker
We gotta, we gotta be careful with that. I don't think pops likes them, them stories. So that was a joke. Obviously you guys weren't on food stamps.
00:29:49
Speaker
Not all the time, just a couple of times. Yeah, just during the hard time. As a kid was dope because if they gave you, you didn't have to have the whole booklet or card
Toys and Economic Reflections
00:29:59
Speaker
like you do now. So you could spend a stamp on something and then you would get something cheap and they'd give you real money back. I remember making like in high school, I remember making like food baskets for all the poor people.
00:30:16
Speaker
You know, uh, and they would have like, you're making those Turkey and they're making those for me. Yeah. I'm like, did you guys get those? Yeah. We've gone to food bank type things before. Um, we went to Kmart. I remember that you'd put your name on this thing and you'd get a gift from some stranger. It would never be the thing you asked for, but you'd get something. I want a cabbage patch kid. I would never ask for a cabbage patch kid. Come on.
00:30:45
Speaker
Dude, what would I do with a cabbage patch kid? Fuck it. I don't know. You weren't, um, you didn't have any like a toy dolls or anything. Oh, when I was young, I remember I had this monkey. I did have, I'm curious. Did you have this monkey where it was like a brown monkey with a hard face and hard hands and hard feet. And then like his thumb and his big toe would go into his mouth. No, but I did have a King Kong.
00:31:16
Speaker
That's dope. And it was made in China. Um, and I had a Kermit the frog. Okay. Most my, I bet most my, uh, so you love Patrick Mahomes. Yes. So like my, uh, mine were never the name brand ones. They were just dolls of some sort.
00:31:44
Speaker
No, but you didn't have like Star Wars or anything like that. You didn't collect any of those. I was like a guy. I'd had a couple GI Joes, maybe like a Star Wars guy, maybe a human. Um, I never got a transformer. I went to my friend's house, dude. He had everything. I think his name is Billy Hofer. If you're listening, shout out, dude. He's a redhead. Uh, his sister, I saw my first boobs. He was his sister. And I think it's just cause she was chubby cause she probably didn't have boobs yet.
00:32:17
Speaker
Um, and you saw her boobs. Yeah, she showed them to me. And then we would play. He had the castle, a gray skull. He had like all these different human guys. He had the transformers, which I broke his Optimus prime because I didn't know how they worked. I bet he was happy. He was not pleased. He got another Optimus prime. So his parents apparently had Optimus prime money, but I mean, I had a Nintendo and stuff like that.
00:32:45
Speaker
So my cousin was he had like, uh, he had like all the GI Joes. He had the carrier, you know, like the big ship for what he would, he had the jets. He would land them on the fucking carrier. The carrier was like eight feet long. He had, um, where would you put that? He had a big room. Okay. That makes sense. They lived in a mansion. Oh.
00:33:14
Speaker
Um, he had, uh, every kind of stock, like every star war, he had the, uh, those big ads that, you know, I don't, you know, you never watched star war. So you don't know what an ad ad is. I don't remember it now. I've seen the big, the big ones that walk on for lay. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's the name of them.
00:33:33
Speaker
It's they shoot fucking lasers and stuff. Yeah, that thing was gargantuan. He had a Falcon that was the size of probably my suitcase. Yeah. My friend, my friend had both those things. I don't think he had the ship though. Like he had everything. So going over there was, it was like, I'm in heaven. Yeah. That's, it's crazy to see what some kids had. Yeah.
00:33:58
Speaker
Uh, that that's pretty cool to see all those things. Uh, he had, he had a mask. Remember mask, like a car that would like, it would be a car and you would turn into like something that flies or a motorcycle. It was a helicopter. Wait, it was called mask. Yeah, I think so. No. All I remember was they had transformers and then they had the generic version go bots.
00:34:22
Speaker
I think I had a go-bot or two. Did you have any of those cars that you would hit together and that you would smash them and then the door would flip over and be dented? Yes. I had one of those or a couple of those and I was smashing them together on some shag carpet.
00:34:42
Speaker
And I was doing it and I smashed them together. And all of a sudden I felt a burning in my finger. A fishing hook went through my finger, through my pinky. So I don't know if they would, they would win fishing and dropped a hook or something. Yeah, dude. It went through my finger through the, out the other side. They took me to the hospital and put my hand in iodine. And the guy was trying to cut like snippet so he could pull it out. Cause it had like barbs on it on the end.
00:35:12
Speaker
So they caught me, dude. They caught me in the shed garbage. They could have reeled me in. So it went all the way through and they were trying to snippet and I was freaking out of course. And they kept breaking whatever they were trying to cut it with. So the guy went out and got these big ass like bolt cutter type things. I thought they're going to cut my fucking pinky off, bro.
00:35:40
Speaker
Was your dad with you? Was he saying? No, my mom. You usually want to go to the hospital. My dad would have had a butt heavy in his hand going, what the fuck are you crying for?
00:35:52
Speaker
Um, so my mom's usually the one that takes me to hospital, which she's taken me there several, several, several times, uh, stitches constantly. Um, so they got it cut and pulled it out and I was okay. But man, that was, it must've had something on it because it was burning so bad. Yeah. I was going to say like, um, I don't think that, well,
00:36:18
Speaker
There's probably nothing on it except maybe bacteria, tons of bacteria. That or like it had an oil or something on it. You could feel it almost. So it must've been like a help to help bait or something. I don't know. It's just, it was on fire. So that probably was a fucked up finger for quite a while. I don't remember that part. I just remember the hospital visit.
Cereal Preferences
00:36:41
Speaker
So that was interesting.
00:36:44
Speaker
Uh, Oh dude, did you want to get into cereals? I mean, I know it's Christmas, but man, we're kind of reminiscent now. Of course. Um, I remember one cereal and I think we talked about it a little bit that we had called King vitamin. See that had to be some kind of brand in the Midwest because I'd never, I've never heard of it. Well, your parents probably didn't even look at it. It was kind of like a knockoff of captain crunch.
00:37:14
Speaker
But I mean, King Vitamin was a brand, like they made all different kinds of knockoffs, right? No, it was just that cereal is called King Vitamin. Oh, who made it? The King of Vitamins. First of all, you have Captain Crunch and the best they could come up with as a name is King Vitamin. I guess the guy, I may have to look that up to see if that's a real, that's what I remember though.
00:37:41
Speaker
There was a guy on the front of it dressed like the fucking Burger King guy, right? And he looked just like the Burger King guy, but the face was the guy. It looked like the guy from Punky Brewster's dad or the guy from Fraggle Rock. They're just mixing and matching all kinds of bullshit. Oh, it is not the guy from Punky Brewster. Here, I'm going to send this to you, bro. Maybe we'll add this in the Patreon. We'll add these pictures of these cereals.
00:38:12
Speaker
Here you go, man. This is what I had to look at in the morning to eat. Look at this guy. This guy is probably the guy that was hiding in that fucking bush. I'm trying to get it to you. I apologize. This is what I would eat like almost every morning. Um, multiple meals, terrible. How good was it compared to captain crunch? Not good. Capture crunch was like sugary and stuff. This one wasn't as sugary and it would pretty hard cereal, but I liked it. Does it say, Oh, it's made by Quaker.
00:38:41
Speaker
There you go. Quaker makes it with, look at this guy. They're like, just like King holds a spoon. That guy is a child molester for sure. Yeah. I was like, Hey, you bring me some fucking cereal. I'll suck your dick. It doesn't even say compared to captain crunch or anything. No, it just kind of had the same shape and kind of the same not quite made by Quaker. That's, that's, that's better than I thought.
00:39:09
Speaker
Look at that. Maybe, maybe it wasn't cheap. It was just, they're like, we want you to be healthy because you're going to be a fat kid. Yeah. Your mom saw vitamins on it and she's like, this is good for you. Yep. Maybe I chose it. I don't even know. I know. Uh, what was your main cereal? Oh, we had so many different kinds. What'd you get mostly? What was your number one cereal? The number one cereal. Um, it would be different every year.
00:39:39
Speaker
Okay. Um, so like I remember one or two years, it was rice puffs and those things are disgusting. You had to eat them fast. I hated them so much gallons of sugar on it. Yeah. That's what's funny. Like here's the healthiest area. Like, all right, I'm going to ruin that with a gallon of cereal or sugar. I don't know if you can do gallons. Is your sugar liquefied? Yeah, I would fucking, I mean, it was,
00:40:09
Speaker
drinking the milk afterwards of what was left over. It was pretty, it was pretty good. That was like, uh, sand rice, rice puffs, uh, was, was it for like a year? Um, grape nuts. I remember that was a, uh, a year of that, the school year of that. Your parents like, just let's try one every year. See what we do. Yeah, it was, it was weird. Um, uh, fruit loops was bomb.
00:40:38
Speaker
Yeah, I didn't love fruit loops. You're crazy. Uh, honey bunches of votes. Yeah. You don't, you're not naming any cool ones. No, we didn't. So Coco puffs, we would have, we would have like a variety, but honey nut Cheerios, it would be, it wouldn't, it wouldn't, it wouldn't, it wasn't always the like captain crunches and stuff. We didn't get those very often. Which captain crunch is the one captain crunch, regular peanut butter or berries?
00:41:08
Speaker
Uh, captain, regular captain crunch. I didn't like the peanut butter or the butter bro. No, I didn't like it. That was fire. So I get excited when I go to my friend's house, cause they would have some of these different things and we had them to you occasionally.
Christmas Traditions
00:41:23
Speaker
So I guess we can, we can go through every single cereal. Um, but we should probably get back to some Christmas stuff. What do you want to talk about? Have you ever went caroling?
00:41:36
Speaker
No caroling this year for me. Yeah. Has anybody caroled at your house? No, we live up on a hill. So like, as far as, uh, people don't come up there. So if they see a hill, they're like, no, they don't get Christmas. Yeah. Well, I mean, they don't, they don't do Halloween. They don't go on our street. There's no sidewalks. It's not made for, um,
00:42:04
Speaker
You know, it's not made for trick or treating. It's not made for caroling. Do you guys get carolers? No, I've never seen a caroler before ever. I didn't even see any group of them ever. Ever. Never. You guys do hayrides? No. Actually, if somebody asked me on a hayride, I'd probably punch him in the stomach and say, get the fuck out of my face. I don't even sound like fun. You guys don't even go drive through the town or the city you live in and look at all the lights.
00:42:35
Speaker
Yeah, we've done that. There's, uh, some buses for that. You can get drunk on them. Oh, yeah. So there's a few areas of town, just people that have tons of money. Yeah. Neighborhood, certain neighborhoods, they'll all agree to be like, let's, uh, you know, let's decorate our houses a certain way. I don't even, well, yeah, I don't, I don't think they typically agree. Even they're just like, I had to keep up with those fuckers next door.
00:43:05
Speaker
Right. The ones I like are the ones that are set to music and they have like cars lined up to watch it. Yeah. We have one that's like folklorish. Um, it's, that's the biggest one. Everybody goes there. It's like the number one spot. They have huge things in the yard. They got so many now that it almost looks like, uh, like a fucking terrible yard sale. And, and is it set to music?
00:43:36
Speaker
Oh yeah. So it's all coordinated and shit. Yeah. They, uh, they used to have these weird moving things and those little animatronic tronics are creepy. Just the way they move is creepy. So those are cool, but they would also be like, I would hate it if I lived in that house. I'd be like, Oh God.
00:43:59
Speaker
Yeah. Cause they're playing like music's out Christmas music all the time. Blaring. It's almost like, um, trying to get a terrorist out of a building. Just you're having nightmares. You can't sleep. Been up for 12 days. Kill your wife.
00:44:17
Speaker
Um, the one that, uh, the last one I went to a couple of years ago, you actually tuned into a specific radio frequency to, to listen to it in your car. Oh yeah. So they didn't have a glaring outside. It was, it was like radio. Yeah. More people are doing that now. It's a good idea. Cause the sound quality is better. Sound quality is better in, in you're not fucking going insane and your neighbors aren't trying to kill you in the middle of the night. Yeah. Cause that's what I would do for sure.
00:44:48
Speaker
Just you can't sleep because it's like daylight out. So to me like that, I would love to do something like that. And I would also hate it because setting all that shit up has got to be a shit ton of work. I would pay someone to do that. If, um, yeah, there's a lot of services, people doing that make a lot of money. I almost thought about starting something like that just to have a seasonal business. That's my dream is have a seasonal business that pays for the whole year. Well, yeah. But your dream is fireworks.
00:45:19
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. I enjoy those more, but I mean, if you can, if I can get a squad that would go do that, that'd be dope too. I'd like to get into that. Get a couple of seasons in. Now I have to work for the rest of the year.
Haunted Christmas Ideas
00:45:32
Speaker
If I was to do it, if I was to do like a Christmas set up, I would like to mix it with Halloween where I'm running out and it's just terrifying kids as an evil Santa. That's legit.
00:45:43
Speaker
You know what I mean? Or like, um, like a Krampus. Yeah. Krampus would be cool. Running around scaring people, uh, cutting the heads off of reindeers, putting it back on for the next people. So it'd be like a mixture of Halloween and Christmas. Yeah. Christmas ween. That'd be cool to see that'd be different. Yeah, it would be. What's the Thanksgiving stuff in it? Christmas house.
00:46:12
Speaker
There you go. Little elves trying to fuck us. That's a, we might've just come up with something amazing right there. I mean, let's, let's go. All right. Let's Paul. Let's not put this out so we can be the only, what's capitalized.
00:46:30
Speaker
Dude, what would you be in your haunted crystal? Like I would have little, what did we end up calling midgets on the lot? The one episode, what was the smallest little peoples? Well, they're little people, but I think we can call them whatever the fuck we want. All right. I'd call them elfkins. And as you're getting scared, they try to take stuff out of your pockets or they would try to put like candy into your pockets, but aggressively sexual. They'd put candy in your pockets, but group you.
00:46:58
Speaker
What about like just run up to you with a big smile and then punch you in the balls? That'd be all right. Just rubbing your jingle balls and hit you. And then run away giggling. That would be awesome, dude. What other kind of scary stuff could you do? Chase them around with sharpened candy canes. You have like frosty the snowman and he's like,
00:47:28
Speaker
A drug, a drug addict. Well, or he's like, he's like slowly melting and the, you know, they're torturing him, slowly melting. That would be cool. Elves are melting him and he's screaming. Yeah. They have like little torches all over. And like, it'd be like frosty. That would be awesome. I want to, I want to see this. There's gotta be one somewhere.
00:47:55
Speaker
You, I don't know. I bet you, I mean, there probably is, but, uh, the, you haven't heard of any. Just shooting snowballs at cars from the roof of your house out of like a t-shirt gun. It would have to be like, um, cold. You have to like make it certain, certain areas real cold, like the North Pole. Yeah. It's really cold in there and you strip people naked and make them go through it. Um, you see Santa like, um,
00:48:23
Speaker
grinding reindeer sausage. I'd like Santa to be sitting on the throne like a kingpin, like a drug dealer. What do you want little boy? You better guess right. Right. All the snow is elves are doing lines of snow. Al Pacino, Santa Claus. Yeah. My little friend and it's a couple of elves.
00:48:51
Speaker
Yeah. They just come running out, put stuff in your pockets and help you. That would be cool, dude. There's a, there's a movie out or coming out this year. It's called, um, Oh, what the fuck is it called? Uh, it's a Santa Claus, but he's, he kicks ass. He like, he starts packing up terrorists and shit. Is it kill Bill Santa?
00:49:19
Speaker
Yeah, basically. It's the dude who played in, uh, he, the sheriff and stranger things. Oh, okay. They should have the dude from, they should have had the dude from happy do it. Oh God. I wish they brought that back. Happy's pretty good. It's a pretty good show. Happy's awesome. Uh, it's almost like it's mixed. Like they should mix happy with crank. Oh, it's called violent night. That's pretty cool.
00:49:50
Speaker
Yeah. What about rabbit reindeer? Rabbit reindeer that are biting children. Is there any. Is there any horror movies about Santa? Oh, there has to be. We're sure we can provide a list right now for the listeners. All right, let's do it.
00:50:14
Speaker
All right, I'll keep going on my Santa ween Halloween Christmas and trying to think of other things that I want to see. Like I would probably just put video cameras in there that you are aware of that I just watch and enjoy and laugh. Like strobe lights as Santa's grinding up a reindeer, that would be good. And then, of course, I mean, your scariest thing you had to put in there, a gorilla dressed as a chef with a knife.
00:50:46
Speaker
That's your scariest moment Yeah, I mean not so much that he was coming at you trying to kill you like oh my god. They're learning to use tools The worst thing I ever saw What other Christmas things are there the Krampus obviously like you try to stuff kids in bags? You have to try to get by the Krampus to get out so
00:51:10
Speaker
Pretty much you have the elves, you have the workshop, you have the Santa, you have the reindeer, the sleigh. Okay. So elves would be like chained up, like miserable, bloody elves. Right. They're fucking, they're torture. They're slaves. They're making iPhones. They're all Chinese. And under, under 10 years old, uh, Mrs. Claus. I wonder what Mrs. Claus could be doing. Just like a prostitute. Like a prostitute gang bang by dwarves.
Christmas Horror Movies
00:51:42
Speaker
That might not be acceptable. I'd watch that though. Is there, if you find a video like that, let me know. There's a, well, I gotta blow my nose. No. She let it run on your face. So it seems like semen. A Christmas tail. Okay. It is a, uh,
00:52:11
Speaker
A deadpan comedy and Christmas horror. A young boy named Petrie. Yeah. And his friend Jusso. This is like a Polish movie. Think a secret mountain drilling project near blah, blah, blah. Uh, that sounds terrible. Um, it's probably in black and white and like at the end it says Feen. F-I-N. Better watch out. That's a good one. That sounds good.
00:52:39
Speaker
um i'm trying to see i'm trying to see what the like rating is as far as like rated r or mature doesn't really say bloody ones gremlins that's a christmas movie did you know that yeah i haven't seen gremlins for a while that'd be good i forgot i saw that in the theater actually i saw that in the drive-in
00:53:05
Speaker
Ooh, they should do more of that because now you can adjust it to your car. You could have really good surround sound. I always want to do a, um, a drive-in like in the water or something. You want to do what? Everybody kind of like plays around in a pool and how it sits on tubes and shit. And they just chill in the water.
00:53:31
Speaker
Uh, that's how it used to kind of be when, uh, I remember when I was a kid, we'd go, uh, we would set up like lawn chairs and stuff. Yeah. But I'm talking like, you know, like in a big ass pool or something. Oh, the drive-in pool. Just floating around and you're like, try to like, ah, fuck, I'm getting turned around and see the movie. Yeah. It'd be cool to see scary movies with characters running around.
00:54:01
Speaker
You know what I mean? What? A family falls victim to unimaginable terror when they invite their sweet young neighbors over to celebrate Christmas Eve. That's not really a, that's not an evil Santa though. No, that's stupid. It's kind of like, uh, what is that one purge? The purge movies got insane. Uh, I never saw a purge.
00:54:31
Speaker
No, none of them. Nope. I never, I've only seen the first saw movie. Yeah. Why one? Do you don't like those kinds of movies? No, to me, like real torture scenes aren't like cool to me. Purge. They don't really torture. It's kind of just them trying to get in your house and kill you. Just chaos. You love it. You're an agent of chaos. Um, I thought the purge was supposed to be, you just kill all the homeless people outside.
00:54:59
Speaker
No, you kill everybody. Like if you don't, you gotta like, it kind of keeps your neighbors on their toes. Be good all year. I'm going to come fuck you up. You still have my lawnmower. I'm going to kill you. Oh, you just get rid of whoever you want to get rid of. Don't people have like sophisticated, uh, security and shit? Yeah. Yeah. So you can't kill anybody.
00:55:23
Speaker
Well, I mean, you try. I would like to get like a, they had rich people doing like where they'd set it up and they'd be watching behind glass and watching people kill each other and shit. I would like a safe room that I can do stuff from and taunt people. What if, if you can get in, they can get in. Into my safe room. Yeah. No. Oh yeah.
00:55:52
Speaker
I think it was a movie called safe room. Yeah. Jodie Foster. Yeah. What other Christmas movies you got? Red snow. That sounds promising. When an injured bat transforms into a handsome vampire struggling whore novelist, Olivia Romo hides in her garage. Okay. A vampire Santa or vampire like Christmas would be cool. Christmas evil from 1980.
00:56:21
Speaker
Nope. That's probably laughable. Yeah. It looks like a cartoon. Um, that'd be cool to see. He was dropping on mother turns a boy into a killer who roams the streets dressed as Santa Claus. It's cause he didn't get what he wanted. Black Christmas, 1974. That was a horror movie for people. That's fucked up. Times are changing.
00:56:52
Speaker
Silent Night from 2021. Yeah, we gotta watch. We haven't watched any movies. They have a bunch of Silent Nights. 2021, 2012. Oh, I can imagine. We haven't put any movies out that we wanted to do. We wanted to watch movies and just do audio so that people could sync it up and play the movie with us talking shit. Yeah, what do you want to do? I mean, let's do one of those Christmas ones. That 1980s Christmas
00:57:21
Speaker
A 1970s or 80s Christmas horror. Yeah. Not the black family one. The, what was the one you said it looked like a cartoon. Oh, uh, Oh shit. That's way up there. Something that we can roast and mock. Uh, silent night, deadly night from 1984. No, you call this something else. No, but I mean, this is one. Okay. And it's one of my nuns grows up to be a killer toy store, Santa Claus.
00:57:53
Speaker
Okay. I mean, we probably roast that one pretty good. Um, black Christmas 2019. I can't have you doing any black Christmases dude. We'll get shut down. Silent night, deadly night part two. Another black Christmas. Well, you mentioned one up top though. Like it was like a cartoon that said bat. So I don't think it was a cartoon and just the picture of it looked like a cartoon. Yeah. Whatever that one was called.
00:58:23
Speaker
There's Jack Frost. Is that the one with Michael Keaton as an evil man? He is not Michael Keaton. This is a notorious serial killer. Jack Frost is being driven to his execution. The truck carrying the murder encounters a blizzard and he, I think he turns into a fucking monster. Yeah. I've seen it. Well, it's pretty, it's pretty ridiculous. Was it good? No. Who's slew?
00:58:51
Speaker
Aunty Ru from 1972. You're doing fucking wordplay now. Mrs. Forest, who's known as Aunty Ru, has a holiday tradition of inviting orphans to her mansion for Christmas. What year is that? 1972? Yeah. Man, the farther back we go, I mean, we can still mock it. Exactly. That's the whole purpose. So,
00:59:20
Speaker
All right. We'll do a Christmas. We'll do a Christmas fucking mocking. We got to find if where to get any of these. Oh, you, you too. True. They're old. That means they're free for you too. Basically we'll tell you, we'll tell you when to hit play on like when to hit play on your movie and you'll be watching that cannibal fucking one.
Patreon Content and Listener Engagement
00:59:46
Speaker
From the early eighties. Cannibal Holocaust. Yeah. I really want to do that one. I want to do the one, uh, the little double Oh seven guy. Oh yeah. We did do him once. Whoa. Whoa. We did the trailer. We did the trailer. Yeah. I want to watch the movie and put our audio up with it. We just can't provide the movie. Cause there's a legal.
01:00:14
Speaker
Right. So we're just talking basically. Yeah. It's just your list of watching a movie with us, laughing along or telling us to shut the fuck up. Either way, it's like we're there with you. Yeah. Um, we do have trailers that we've done. We haven't put those out. We should put those on pot on. Hey, man. Our trailer park, our trailer park boy stuff. You put whatever you want on. I can. Yeah. We got a lot of shit.
01:00:42
Speaker
We do have a lot of shit that hasn't been put out. How much NTK stuff do we have that we just didn't need? We just said, fuck it. We're not putting that out. I'd say at least 10 to 20 episodes. So maybe we should put those out too. Just load up Patreon with extra content. Yeah. And mark them appropriately. Of course. I don't know what that means, but yes. Yeah. So people don't have to listen to it if they don't want to.
01:01:09
Speaker
I just skip it. Right. Um, but we do have some, some trailers that we could put out. We do go back to do the trailer park boy stuff or what was it? What do we call it? Just trailer park. Yeah. Well, we made it to an hour. Sorry. That wasn't as Christmasy as we wanted. We kind of got back to it.
01:01:33
Speaker
No, we have some stuff for the Patreon. We do have some stories for that. Yeah. Some crimes, some Christmas crimes. Some legends, some interesting shit. Interesting Christmas shit for you
Wrapping Up with Humor
01:01:48
Speaker
guys. I like that we're like, we just phoned it in on the first hour, like pay for the rest. No, I definitely don't want to do that. Okay. We did come up with Christmas. We did come up with Christmas ween.
01:02:03
Speaker
Yeah. Um, feel free to use that. Make some money haunted Christmas house. That's what we, that's what we got to figure that out. That'd be dope dude. So you guys come up with some ideas, find out if anyone's doing it, if they are, where is it at? I want to go to it. Me too. I want, I want aggressive elves to put stuff in my pockets. You just want them to touch your crotch. Dude. I would wear parachute, remember parachute pants.
01:02:32
Speaker
Yeah. Fucking hammer time, baby. No, not those. I guess those are probably called parachute pants too. What are the ones they were kind of like had zippers all over the place. They were kind of water proof material. Yeah, they were. They weren't canvas. They were like, what the fuck kind of clothing is that made of parachutes? I don't think it was actually made of parachutes, but it is. I used to jump off of stuff and float down safely.
01:03:00
Speaker
Oh, you did. Look at you. Yeah, dude. I just spread my legs and land on sharp stuff. Well, thank you everyone. Merry Christmas to everyone. Um, you know, mess with your kids a bit. Now you have that elf on a shelf situation. People are getting pretty creative with that. If you believe in Santa Claus, you're an idiot. If you believe in Santa Claus, you're a better person than us. Kids go to bed. He's coming. He's coming soon. Santa Claus is as real as Jesus.
01:03:29
Speaker
There you go. He's real. If you believe he's real, the problem is when you're older, you don't believe it because he stopped showing up. Just like Jesus. Jesus comes back when you get real old. He's a real big part of your life at that point. Like I'm sorry for all the shit I've done. I was bad. Hey, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Follow us to the Patty.
01:04:11
Speaker
Ride the bull!