Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
NTK402 - Protein Beam
58 Plays2 years ago
Survival of the fittest takes on a whole new meaning in this episode of the Noodles and the King. Listen in as they share hilarious survival stories and the weirdest deaths you'll ever hear about. From a man being beamed by photons to another getting eradicated while covered in protein powder. Oh, and Noodles puts TK in some wild animal scenarios that are more than NSFW.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Sports Banter
00:00:02
Speaker
You're listening to the Cheap Shots Podcast Network.
Sports Viewing on the Go
00:00:39
Speaker
How about them floating niners? It's funny. In my mind, I like to think it was like, what kind of dumb shit are you going to start like? I was going to try to think of something stupid, but I couldn't think of anything. Yeah, I thought of something stupid for you. They're great. That was nice. It was a good win. I like when they win. You didn't even see them when how you know it was a good win. I watched the second half on my phone in one of the airports.
00:01:10
Speaker
When I landed, it was halftime. So I got to see the good sec. I got to see the good half. Gotcha. It's at the top or the bottom. Oh, wow. In this case, it was the bottom. Nice. But sometimes the top is good. Top's okay. You got to be pretty good on top for the top to be better than the bottom. Yeah. And there's some people that are better on top for sure. Yes. That kind of people.
Podcasting Challenges and Patreon
00:01:40
Speaker
So what's you up to Saka? Uh, just podcasting with you, my friend. Yeah, it was, uh, it was, we didn't do one last week because my internet was absolute trash. And then I traveled all day yesterday. So this is like, we're fitting it in the window. Yeah, we are opportunity here. We're going to try to get a thousand of them in 365.
00:02:08
Speaker
Every day we're gonna do one for a weekend do a week once a week Yeah, we failed a little bit. We missed a week, but we're not gonna miss anymore Yes, that is our that is our resolution We're gonna make up for weeks miss that we do we all we own an episode dude. We do Oh you guys
Quality of Patreon Content
00:02:28
Speaker
an episode. I know you're itching for it big time You'd have a lot more shit to listen to and even watch if you joined our patreon. I
00:02:40
Speaker
I'd be scared to join it with looking at how we put out the regular stuff. Oh, I think we have. We try harder on the Patreon. It seems like. Oh, for sure. That's because I'm running that bad boy.
Routine Life and Travel Tales
00:02:50
Speaker
It's got a lot more content, a lot more, a lot of different content. So yeah, this is only audio because we refuse to show our faces. This is all we can do in a podcast. Are you going to show your face on a radio or a headphone?
00:03:05
Speaker
the world can't handle us uh physically looking at us they can just i mean they can barely do it listening to us so fair enough all right so uh what's up dude uh you got anything like uh any stories from the last week i wish i did uh if i did i told them to and i've forgotten them i don't remember i didn't remember our how we're gonna do our podcast so you know i don't have a good memory
00:03:34
Speaker
Right. I thought that today was Monday, so that's how fucked I am. Yeah. Were you wondering why your kids were home all day? No, I just did. I was like, I guess that, you know, this is just life.
Alaskan Adventure and Local Insights
00:03:49
Speaker
People in the house all the time. Soon. I am going to go golfing tomorrow. Good. Yeah. I decided that I need, I need to, I haven't been in a long time, so I have to go golfing.
00:04:02
Speaker
That's true. Got to fit it in there somewhere. That's true. You've been really busy doing a lot of different things. I have. I've been in Alaska. I've been the fucking wilderness living with bears and shit. It was just pretty cool. You should have went off like down to a path. Just walked one of those paths. Uh, there was so many paths. Like I drove when I was in a Kodiak, I drove one of the guys at the hospital was like, you got to take this route and go over here and check this area out and check that area out. So.
00:04:32
Speaker
I was like only 20 miles, but it took like an hour. Just windy roads all covered in ice and shit.
Kodiak Landscapes and Spaceport
00:04:40
Speaker
And there was many different paths you can just stop and go wander off in if you wanted to. Yeah. Nothing better than parking your car on the side of the road. And people are like, there's a guy that we can kill. The bears are going to have fun with this one. That's true.
00:04:59
Speaker
What'd you go see? I have questions about it. What did I go see in Kodiak? Well, wherever you drove, because you had to drive 20 miles. Oh, it was just some state park that the dude said, this is awesome. And I got out and it was like, it was nothing. It was just a bunch of hiking trails that I'm not going to go fucking wander off on. He sent you there to rape you. Yeah.
00:05:28
Speaker
There was one car there when I pulled up. That was him waiting.
Lottery Winnings: Lump Sum vs Annuity
00:05:34
Speaker
He's like, can you walk down a path? And there was like little pieces of candy going down this one trail. And I was like, man, I should go down that trail. Get some candy. There was really candy in that trail where you'd be gone by now because you would have eaten that candy. So yeah.
00:05:55
Speaker
Kodiak is a cool, just a really cool place. It's just the second biggest Island in the US. And, uh, it's very, you have to be a man to live there. So I don't think I can live there. They made you leave. Yeah. So did you see the space ghosts? No. Oh yeah. That was the other thing I tried to go to the, um, that was the route I took. And if you keep going, you run into the space port.
00:06:21
Speaker
And I never got to it. I don't know. I'm like, I can't drive anymore. Like, I don't know how that's running out of gas and shit. And I was like, I have 45 miles drive back. So
Strategies for Lottery Winnings
00:06:32
Speaker
I just turned around and went back. But it was because it's getting dark and shit. I never ran into the space port. That guy's a lie.
00:06:42
Speaker
She's trying to rape you, dude. That's gonna ask, like, what did it look like? Just a fence? It's supposedly it's a private spaceport. It's not like NASA. It's like SpaceX type shit. I gotcha. And they're supposed to, I don't know, they're supposed to shoot satellites up in the air. I don't know if they have or whatever. I know they have a lot of Coast Guard is a real big presence there. They have like 3000 people
00:07:10
Speaker
Like there's 6,000 people on the island, but 3000 of them are Coast Guard. It's a lot. That's a lot. And they, if you, when you get in the Coast Guard, you have to be there for three years. So it's a three year tour. So every year, a thousand people leave and a thousand new people come in. That sucks. Uh, I know we're going to use your Alaska to get into our topic, but I want to bring up the, the billion dollar lottery winner.
00:07:39
Speaker
It was 1.3, wasn't it? I asked my wife, did someone win that? She's like, yeah, some faggot in Maine. Yeah. 700 million. They get to keep it. They go one lump sum.
Content Creation vs Patreon Ease
00:07:52
Speaker
I would do that. That me too. You can use that money to put in. Is that tax free, that 700 million? Yeah. The 1.3 billion is taxed. So you get 700 million. Wow. So they take 300 million from you.
00:08:09
Speaker
They take, they take 600 million from you. They take, they take almost half because it was 1.3 billion. Yeah. And they said he got 700 million. She, he, whatever. But they're like, he's not coming forward. Like no shit. I wouldn't either.
00:08:27
Speaker
I'd be setting shit up, getting ready for it, and then trying to be as like anonymous as possible. Yeah. Uh, well, how do they know that he's taking the lump sum if he's not coming forward? They don't. They're just saying it would be that much. I gotcha. Who in the right mind would take like the yearly, I'll do, I'll get the yearly amount. People that don't manage money well and work for them. Right. I guess what happens if like, as you take the lump sum, something happens where they don't do it anymore. Like, sorry, your money's gone.
00:08:57
Speaker
Or like I said, with $700 million, you could put money into something else so it can grow. If it's sitting there with them, you get no money. If it's that much, I would take the $700 million always. But what if it was just a million dollars and your lump sum would be $400,000 or $600,000? I'd take it. I always take the lump sum because I don't want to use that money to put in something to grow the money.
00:09:16
Speaker
If it sits with the lottery, it doesn't grow. You don't get, it is not going to grow with inflation. Probably want
Survival Stories with Humor
00:09:22
Speaker
to start businesses and things. Yeah. Yeah. That's a gamble. If you're, if you're trying to, um, grow your money in any way, that's a gamble. Sure. If you're letting it, if you're letting it sit with a lottery, you're losing money every year. How are you losing money every year? Inflation and it sits with them and there's no money going. It's losing their percentage. If you put it in a bank,
00:09:47
Speaker
If you put in a bank- So you take the lump sum and you put it in a checking account with like a whatever, I don't even know. 1%, 2%. I mean, at least it's- You'd have to split it between, you'd have to, well, first of all, put it in all those banks, it'd be scary a little, but with everything that's happening as well. But if you put it in there, you get like a percent or half a percent, and you're only FDIC insured up to like 250, so you'd have to have like 20 banks. Yeah, you'd have to put it in a bunch of banks.
00:10:17
Speaker
financial talk with, with NTK. Oh, well, I, so I'd give you half if I won that. That's a lie. That's a lie, but you'd give me a sum and I'd appreciate that. I'm just a better person than you is what I'm trying to say. Oh, I'd make it so you don't have to work, but you're not getting half. Neither are you. There's no reason for you to get half here. Get the hell out of here.
00:10:41
Speaker
10 mil, 10 mil would be good for you. I put a lot of money into this. Like I would tell Jeep shots, suck a dick, suck a duke, cheap shots. We're on our own. Yeah, we'll go. We'll go on our own anyway. We've had a producer for fucking a year. Um, the second biggest podcast in the world, supposedly on Spotify is, uh, some chick. Call her daddy. Yeah, I think so. Uh,
00:11:07
Speaker
day porno was talking about that whole situation. Yeah, kind of interesting. He kind of started it. Did she go off on her own? No, I think she's with Spotify.
00:11:18
Speaker
No, but I mean, she was with a pro. She was Barstool. Yeah, I don't, I don't know if she's on. They are the deal. And then one of the girls said, fuck that and wanted to leave. And then the other girls and I was staying kept the podcast, but I don't know if they stayed with those guys or not. Yeah, I know. The one girl is who knows what she's doing. Probably sucking dick for money. It's definitely a whore cast. Is it? Yeah. Well, the one chick who left was some athlete.
00:11:47
Speaker
What? Yeah, she was like, yeah, she was like an athlete. She was like, I don't know, pole jumper. I bet. So I just thought that was interesting. Like we have no contract. So. Well, yeah, I mean, we do not like we can't leave contract like we out. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I mean, we we got to get big first. Like right now they're looking at us like, shut the fuck up.
00:12:16
Speaker
Can't even get a fucking producer, dude. I hate coming up with topics and content. It's easy to talk about it, but I hate coming up with it. It's actually easier to come up with the Patreon content. Kind of. Yeah. Well, usually comes off of the first. Not always, but yes, that's true.
00:12:42
Speaker
So in honor of you being in Alaska, you want to talk about surviving for a long time in the world. Yeah, we could, uh, well, I also, I also had the strangest deaths of 2022. We've done that a little bit. We can get into that for sure. Did we do the 2022? Oh, I don't know about 2022, but we've done strange deaths. So I got a bunch of, uh, I got a,
00:13:11
Speaker
All right. How about the guy? Okay. These are survival stories. Let's see if we can make this funny. Let's go. A beam, this story is called a beam of good luck. Are you going to read the whole story? No, but I'm going to, well, they're not long. Okay. In 1978 and Antonelli Bercorsky, a researcher working at the Institute for High Energy Physics was looking at a piece of equipment that was malfunctioning.
00:13:38
Speaker
It was a fairly routine procedure that ended horribly. A proton beam struck his head. The beam went through the back of his head and came out his nose. He states he felt no pain, only saw a very bright light. His face swelled up and he was rushed to the hospital. No one expected him to survive.
00:14:00
Speaker
But surprisingly, he lived. He wasn't left unharmed, though. He has hearing loss in his left ear and a paralyzed face just on the left side. He suffers from occasional seizures. So this is not really like survival in the wild. So he's like, he got hit by a proton beam. That's the most futuristic shit you could ever hear of. Well, first of all, what is a proton beam? It's a beam full of protons, dude.
00:14:29
Speaker
I mean, is that like a laser beam? I would assume so with protons in it. It went through his brain and shit. That's weird. The back of his head to the tip of his nose. So there was a big hole in his fucking head. Oh, it went, I get, it put a hole in him. Yeah. I saw a bright light for a second.
00:14:55
Speaker
Oh, he was just chilling, dude. Where was he? That he fucking, where was it? That a beam shot through his head? He was at a research facility, high energy physics somewhere. I don't know. They were fucking around. 1978 though. Yeah, that's one of those old school protein beams. You don't want to get hit by one of those. I think a protein beam is a little different than a proton beam. Yeah, they could blow the back of your head out though.
00:15:22
Speaker
Uh, a proton beam, like, Hey, Frank, go down there and take a look at that. And he's like, looking to turn the beam on like, ha ha idiot. And it just blew through his head. He's like, Oh, I thought that was light.
00:15:38
Speaker
It probably wasn't even an accident. They're probably an experiment where they're like, do it. And they did it and shot it through his head. Like, oh, well, that's not good. Can't put proteins through people or protons. Can't shoot protons through people's heads. I guess, uh, we better take him to the hospital. He's got a gaping wound. I wonder if it blew out like a shotgun or it was like a little tiny hole that like just beamed through and like melted through. I think it was just a little hole of a little beam. Uh, we got to start getting photos of these things.
00:16:05
Speaker
Yeah, there's a photo of him. It's black and white. Well, does it have a hole in his face? Not really. Just kind of really. No, well, I'll show you. I'll send it to you. Does he have like, does he have a nose? He does. It just blew up the side of his nose. Does he still have that? I guess his nose fucked up. I mean, it looks it's hard. It's hard to tell. I'll show you.
00:16:31
Speaker
I'll show you. If you blow someone's head out with a proton beam, you should put a good photo in there. They had, this is a black and white. It's what I said. It's the only picture there is. Yeah. This guy wasn't even, he wasn't like a scientist. Look at him. That guy's like a janitor. Like, come here, Bill. They shot him with a proton beam and they're like, Oh, fuck. Is he a chipmunk? Like what's in his cheeks? Protons.
00:16:57
Speaker
Probably swollen, probably protein burned his hair. I don't think it made a hole in his head. Well, first of all, if it burned your hair, like what, how's it not burning through your whole skull? I don't know. It doesn't look like a hole. And then what's the nose? Like there's, his nose is burned on the way out, but maybe it only burns on entry and exit
Dark Humor in Survival Tales
00:17:22
Speaker
points. Like it goes right through you.
00:17:25
Speaker
That's what you risk doing that. Would you risk getting shot through like the hand or something with a proton beam? No, because as soon as that happens, like, oh, shit, we didn't know that was going to affect your blood. And now you're a mutant. Being a mutant might not be bad as much money they're giving me. They gave this guy like 1978 gave 200 grand. It's like a million dollars. Yeah, they did give them that. No, fuck no. That guy's like sweeping up and they're like, shoot a beam at him. See what happens. Oh, fuck he's down.
00:17:56
Speaker
They're, they're basically like, you're lucky to keep your job if, if you even are that lucky. He probably got workman's comp. I don't know how you fill that out for proton beams. So did you fall down the stairs or what happened to your face? They're like, Oh, proton beam, bro. Did you have your safety equipment on? Like what safety equipment's for proton beams, bro? I don't know. I was wearing a hat.
00:18:26
Speaker
That's the kind of shit they have all that kind of weird shit at that that facility I was working at in Colorado a bunch of times. And they freak out like if you open the door and they're like, they freak the fuck out. They're all weirdos to begin with, but they definitely have some high powered lasers and fucking beans. Yeah, I don't like that kind of shit.
00:18:48
Speaker
Like I don't like facilities like that. Nuclear. It's gonna be a monkey running around with fucking rabies raids. Oh, when I was working in Boston, um, it was at a research facility. Well, it was school, but, uh, they did research and in the, in the monkey, uh, area ages of monkeys that they do experiments on. Yeah. Did you flex on them?
00:19:17
Speaker
Yeah, it's reeked in there. It smells so bad. I walked very quickly through there. I think it was that one that had that, they like told me I had to be escorted through it. They don't want to see what they were doing to the monkeys.
00:19:31
Speaker
I wasn't even supposed to be in this room. They're like, don't go in there. And I accidentally did. Sounds like you. All right. Pro proton beams. Interesting. All right. Tell me another story. All right. Let me put a dip in first. Oh, by the way, what a dick. I worked with a guy who was he had the Lucy's. Nice. Does he like him? He gave me one. It was they have a little a little pellet inside of each one that you that you bite down on and it like hydrates it.
00:20:00
Speaker
Oh, do you get to eat it afterwards like a treat? Dude, it was like mint and it was like the strongest man. It was insane. Like it was good. You should get some. We're not sponsors. Wait a minute. I thought I ordered some of those. Did you not get any? I haven't seen any yet. Maybe they're taking them and hiding them. I asked how where he gets them and stuff. He orders them online. He gets four milligrams though. Pussy. Yeah.
00:20:29
Speaker
And you dicked out, you good? I think I'm good. It was really good though. So we're not sponsors. I'm just, would you change? Well, they, they are sponsors of podcasts. Hey, Lucy hit us up. We eat your type of shit all day. I would totally, uh, because like it, it was almost like you brushed your teeth. It was that like, Oh,
00:20:55
Speaker
Which was awesome. I was like, holy shit. This is like a mint. Like put, instead of putting a search in, you can just put one of those Lucy's in and get, and get, uh, nicotine at the same time. There you go. What's four enough for you? That was good enough for about a half hour, 45 minutes. Okay. All right. Let's see how about another survive. That's not even a survival story. Really? That's just a guy that got beamed. These are guys who survive.
00:21:22
Speaker
Um, this one is in Texas. We're all survivors. Survived a horrific, uh, accident. All right. All right. Uh, a switch man in true, uh, switch men, Truman Duncan, a father of three came to work expecting just another day of refurbishing and fixing trains. Uh, there was nothing unusual about the day at first when tragedy struck. It was June of 2006 when a slight mistake almost took Truman's life.
00:21:53
Speaker
He fell and landed between moving railroad freight cars. He got up and the car hit him and trapped him under the wheels. The wheels not only cut off his legs, but sliced through his pelvis bone. Miraculously, Truman stayed conscious and he took his phone from his belt. He called 911 and waited for help to get there. It isn't known how he survived. It is possible the weight of the car prevented him from bleeding out.
00:22:22
Speaker
Stop on him. He did lose his legs pelvis and a kidney. I don't know. He lost him there right there. That's crazy. What kind of like you have enough wherewithal to fucking make a phone call. I get stuck between some and I see my legs get sliced off. I'm I'm pretty I'm done. Yeah. How does that 911 call go? Would you like to be the dispatch or the guy calling?
Gruesome Hitchhiking and Survival
00:22:49
Speaker
I'm a dispatcher. OK, this is 911. Yeah, I fucked up. Yeah, where are you, sir? Currently, I'm laying on the ground underneath of a train wheel. Are you in danger? But not anymore. I kind of is what it is at this point. I need someone to show up and move this train off of my torso. Is the train still moving? Yeah, it is. They had to stop the drinking. What?
00:23:19
Speaker
I think they had to stop the train. Yeah. He said it stopped on him, right? That's why he didn't bleed out. I have no idea. Ma'am. You're a woman by the way, ma'am. The train is still on me. Um, where are you at? Let me ping your phone. Okay. We're going to have someone there. You ping me. You have the technology to ping me from your desk. Yeah. All right, ma'am. Thank you.
00:23:47
Speaker
Uh, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna send someone just hold on. You're in good hands. That's all I have left. That's all I have left. Uh, who are you going to send? We're going to send is going to fix this. We're going to send a deputy Jeff. He's new. Good. Oh, deputy, a new deputy is going to see me cut in half. He's going to throw up on me.
00:24:13
Speaker
And the paramedics and fire department is on their way. Oh, I'm not ma'am. I'm not on fire. No, but they're, uh, they're, they're always there for some reason. Okay. We don't know why. All right. Here's what I'm worried about. Um, I appear to have, my legs have flopped off. I see them over there kicking around. It's weird because I'm thinking about moving them and they're moving, but I'm not connected. Can you cauterize yourself? Like, well, then I would need the fire trucks. Good call.
00:24:44
Speaker
I have a zipper. I have a zipper. I have a zipper. Please try to cauterize yourself, but don't pass out from the pain. Ma'am, I just got ran over by a train. You think a little fire is going to fuck me up? You're a brave man. Thank you. When's your lunch?
00:25:03
Speaker
Not soon enough. Dude, to be able to make the phone call, you're like, lay in there. I mean, what a fucking, that's a man, dude. He's just laying there with his legs chopped off. He's like, I need an ambulance. He's like, I don't know if they could sell my legs back. I don't want to die.
00:25:24
Speaker
Ma'am, I want to ma'am. Can I ask you something? Yes. Let's say they save me, which is you can stay on the line as long as you'd like. Thank you. I'm a little nervous to hang up. Here's what I want to know. If they get here, what are they going to do with my legs? Are they going to put those back on or are they still intact? Yeah, they're over there. They're over there. They're about 14 feet back. How's your pelvis doing? Some of it's good. Some of it's gone. It's connected to my legs.
00:25:52
Speaker
Well, you know, they called Elvis, they called him the pelvis. I'm just trying to take your mind off. You're making me, I want to hang up. What do you like? Do you think there's any, uh, I mean, what year is this? 2006. Oh, do you think they will have some like robotic legs for me or they may be able to ice your legs and put them back on. Did it take your dick off? Uh, yes. I mean, they're by my legs. Did you, did you.
00:26:22
Speaker
Are you going to miss your death? Well, I'm pretty I'm hoping they could put that where my belly button is. Because if you if you're a homosexual, you could just take it in the ass. Do you still have an ass? I don't. You're going to have to put it in my. I won't carterize everything. That's horrific, man. That's ridiculous. Wow. If I got ran over, I would just be like, well,
00:26:48
Speaker
Just screaming, screaming until you died. Right. I'd probably just be staring at my legs. Like, whoa. If, if I don't die, I'm going to try to find a way to kill myself. Oh, that's awful. Ironically, rolling myself in front of a train and then I probably get my arms caught under there and be like, now I don't have arms. All right. What's next? Oh, there's between a rock and a hard place.
00:27:14
Speaker
That's the guy to cut his arm off. Yeah. You don't want to hear that one. Yeah. You can watch that movie. If you want to know anything about it. About sailing around the world. All right. Oh, this is fairly recent too. Good. In 2010, Abby Sutherland, a 16 year old girl, wanted to become- Deserved it. Deserved it. Well, we don't even know what happened yet. It doesn't matter. She deserved it. She wanted to become the youngest person to sail around the world solo.
00:27:42
Speaker
On her second attempt, oh she tried once before, on her 40-foot yacht the mast snapped. She was 2,000 miles from land and in the middle of the Indian Ocean. She set off two emergency signals. Her boat was still afloat but she wasn't able to sail it. Much of her equipment was destroyed and so was her boat. Two days later she was rescued by two fishermen.
00:28:08
Speaker
Recently, in 2019, her yacht was discovered. Abby is now 25 years old, married with four children. Can they say they just left the yacht floating around? I think the yacht was destroyed and she was just floating in the water for a couple days. What kind of yacht has a mast?
00:28:29
Speaker
Well, I don't, I don't know why they call it a yacht. It's, it's just a sailboat, a big sailboat. A powered yacht would be pretty awesome to do it and just like just floating through doing cocaine. You have a snow flame with you. Heavy dope. If, uh, so you have a kid that's about 16.
00:28:54
Speaker
He's a 17. All right. Would you let him jump on a boat and try to circumnavigate the world? He, he, he gets scared jumping in his own car and driving down the road. So no, no. So that's, I'm saying, I wouldn't have to worry about it, about it with any of my kids. They're all 16 year old girl, a 16 year old girl to go through pirate infested waters to get raped to death. Those parents did not like their kid. They're like, go for it, man.
00:29:28
Speaker
That's some cool parents, right? Your parents would have let you done that. Maybe how they would have had to build a boat out of styrofoam. He's at the pie barrel. Yeah, that'd be cool. Like a message in a bottle. That would just show up as part of a third world country.
00:29:53
Speaker
That's stupid. Yeah, that one's that one's not. There's not much to say. She's an idiot. Well, she's brave, but I wonder what happened the first time. I wonder if her boat sank on that one, too. Yeah, it didn't say that she tried and she's like, I'm scared. I'm going to turn around. Women drivers. When did you try at least 13? She was 16. Oh, yeah. Yeah, who knows?
Escaping Violence: A Survival Tale
00:30:18
Speaker
This is pretty, pretty young. All right. That was stupid story.
00:30:22
Speaker
All right. How about, uh, in September of 1978, Mary Vincent was 15 years old. She was hitchhiking to get to her grandpa's house in California. A blue van pulled up and offered her a ride. Even though she was around other hitchhikers, the man claimed he could only take her. Um, I can only take her. I know it's a van. It looks like it's big, but that's a lot of a rape equipment in the back.
00:30:52
Speaker
She was tired, and even though alarm bells rang, she just wanted to get off her feet. The man was Lawrence Singleton. As the drive went on, Mary got tired and fell asleep. When she woke, she realized they were in Nevada, not California. Mary panicked, but Lawrence assured her it was an honest mistake. On the next stop, Lawrence attacked. He beat and raped her. He threw her outside the van and proceeded to cut off both her arms with a hatchet.
00:31:22
Speaker
He put her then unconscious and naked into a concrete pipe down an embankment. She woke up and was able to climb up to the road with her arms raised up to slow the bleeding. What the fuck? She flagged down a car and was rushed to the hospital. She survived and went on to testify against Lauren Singleton.
Miraculous Crash Survivals
00:31:47
Speaker
Mary now lives her life with prosthetics.
00:31:51
Speaker
Whoa, dude. And what do you have to say about that? I feel bad to make it fun of it. Holy shit. First of all, you get in Nevada like, oh, my bad. I didn't know you meant California for real. We're just in Nevada. He cut her arms off and stuck her down a pipe. He's like, check it out of that, you armless bitch. Well, she was like, he was like, you're not going to fit. I got to get your arms off. What the fuck?
00:32:17
Speaker
Wow. Do you imagine driving and seeing someone flopping their little arms around trying to stop you? You're like, what the fuck? I'm not getting that in my car. Oh, that would be a nightmare. Holy shit. More for her, but yeah. Like why do you, okay. So he, he raped her and then he cut her arms off. Wasn't, did she like scratch him or something? You think? No, I bet she didn't fit. I almost like that's a joke, but at the same time, I think that's probably the case. It's like, I can't, she's not going in here. I got to mush her in there. Yeah.
00:32:47
Speaker
Imagine being, she stuffed her down in there and then he threw his arms on, threw her arms on top of her. She, she, how did she climb out of the pipe with no hands? You ever do that thing where you put your feet between like two walls and kind of shimmy yourself up? You ever done that?
00:33:09
Speaker
I mean, not in a pipe now, but yes, I know what you're talking about. I guess without arms would be pretty tough. It would be fucking badass. Yeah, she's. And now she has fucking robot arms, so that's cool, dude. How to go out there trying to do it again, see if he'll pick you up again and then use your robot arms to rip his dick off. Yep, that's great. He raps me and cut my arms off.
00:33:36
Speaker
All right, we're going to give him some, uh, some community service. Yeah. I don't know how long he's in there for, but what a, like, Oh, it just her in the van. Oh, then yeah, I'll go. I'll leave all these people behind. First of all, her parents are pretty, pretty cool. The letter hitchhiked across the country.
00:33:57
Speaker
She probably didn't ask. She's like, I'm going to go live with my grandparents while she was probably going to live with them. She probably made that decision on her own. Yeah, she doesn't make good decisions, as you can see. No, I was like, this is pretty sketchy. I'm going to go to sleep. Oh, you only want me. There's like four other hitchhikers here. Oh, just me. Those are all dudes. Fuck that. All right. Ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:34:25
Speaker
What's that noise? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, it's alarm bells. Oh, well. Wow. Well, she's alive. That's what a bad-ass dude. She should marry the guy that has no legs. I know. They'd be perfect together. Perseverance. They're one full person. How about this story? Next one is you ever see the movie alive?
00:34:48
Speaker
Yeah, that's that's that story. We don't probably know I don't want to do that one. Pretty cool, though. How about a flight to forget? Okay. I don't know what that means. This is 1972.
00:35:09
Speaker
Vulevik, a flight attendant, was pleased with the schedule mix-up with another attendant. She had wanted to see Denmark and stay at the Sheraton Hotel, and this was her chance. However, this flight wasn't all it was cracked up to be. There was a bomb on this plane, placed there by a terrorist group, Ustashi. The bomb went off over the city of Serbisk, Commensis,
00:35:36
Speaker
Tearing apart the plane at 33,330 feet. Oh, they know exactly that. It was that altitude. Why is it all 33's dude? That's some Illuminati shit. The passengers fell for three minutes. A German man found the wreckage. The passengers fell for three minutes. They just, they just felt free falling. Maybe three minutes. That's a long fall. What year was this? 1972. Oh, okay.
00:36:06
Speaker
A German man found the wreckage. All of the passengers were dead except for Vesna. As a medic in World War II, he did what he could to help her until help arrived. She had a broken skull, three crushed vertebrae, and two broken legs. She received medical treatment and woke up three days later not remembering anything. She made an almost complete recovery. She holds the world record for surviving the highest fall without a parachute.
00:36:36
Speaker
She got a world record out of it, dude. That's cool. Holy fuck. She's in Guinness. I wonder where she was sitting where that happened. I'd like to know so I could sit there. Probably in the little- The jump seat. The jump seat for the flight attendants. How lucky everybody's dead but you. That's how I would be. Yeah, if I was ever in a plane crash, I'd be the only survivor. I hope it happens so we find out if that's true.
Mountain Climbing Survival
00:37:05
Speaker
Uh, that's insane, dude. Like, and then she just, I mean, she had a crack skull, which makes sense. Right. Two broken legs, a bunch of like vertebrae that were crushed. Smashed up into her. So she landed on her feet. She probably did what you said, where you just jump out at the last second. She's falling for three minutes. A lot of time to think about it. What would you do if a bomb exploded on the plane and suddenly you're just in the air and.
00:37:34
Speaker
You're like, Oh, it's hard to breathe. And then, uh, you just keep falling. You're like, Oh shit. Like this is, this isn't good. Like, what would you think about for three minutes? I don't know. Was she, they were probably upside down at one point and just different flopping around. I don't know if she unbuckled and laid down. So it dispersed. I'm thinking she was not in the plane. You think she's just flying through the air and hit the ground. Holy shit. That's what it sounds like.
00:38:06
Speaker
That's pretty amazing. What a good seat. I don't think she landed on her seat. I think she unbuckled. Yeah, I think she was, I think she landed on her feet. How do you get two broken legs busted vertebrae? I don't know, dude. I can't even imagine. I wonder if she had some trees on the way down to slow her down maybe.
00:38:37
Speaker
Ah, branches. It's going to slow you down. It's going to fuck you up, but it's going to slow you down. I mean, a lot. I mean, you have to hit tons of branches. Yeah. But if you're in a seat, you're going to a hundred and you're hitting time like this. Does she land in snow? That'd be cool, dude. I mean, it's just lawn darts. Boom. Done. Imagine the guy, the founder, just dead people everywhere. And he's like, is that lady moving over there?
00:39:08
Speaker
Right. You're some German like dude from World War Two. You're like, ah, hopefully she's not a Jew. Luckily, it wasn't the dude that will do to the blue van. He came over and cut her arms off. He does. My legs are broken. That's insane, dude. And then to not remember, it's not supposed to. You're not supposed to die. Yeah, you're you're supposed to live.
00:39:35
Speaker
You switched, you switched planes with another flight attendant. You're all excited. And that flight attendant's like, holy shit. Thank God. Yeah. Well, she probably lived. What's crazy is she's like, I really want to stay at the Sheraton. Yeah. In Denmark. That part's cool. Give us another one. Maybe we'll switch. All right. These are people that cheated death. We need some people that didn't make it.
00:40:04
Speaker
This is a man left behind. In 1985, two climbers, Joe Simpson and Simon Yates were climbing the Ciula Grande mountain. He was fallen and broken his leg near the summit. Simon was left with the task of getting his severely injured partner down the mountain. Simon had been lowering him 300 feet at a time when suddenly Joe started to slip. Simon felt the rope go taut and he knew Joe had gone over the drop.
00:40:33
Speaker
Simon tried to hear his friend, but heard nothing. The snow he was sitting on began to give. He knew he had to get out of there or he would kill them both. He had no choice but to cut the rope. Simon thought he had surely killed his friend and went to go back to the campsite.
00:40:52
Speaker
However, Joe landed on a ledge and was able to crawl to safety. Three days later, Joe arrived at the camp. He was dehydrated and starving. Joe had lost 42 pounds in three days. Simon nursed him back to hell. With his nipples? First of all, I'd punch Simon. I'd be like, you motherfucker. You don't have to wait until you can stand up. Punch it from the ground and be pretty tough.
00:41:19
Speaker
How do you lose 42 pounds in three days? That's a lot of fucking weight. Whatever it is. I want that guy's diet. I'll drop you off a mountain to help you. I'd be like, those guys are not friends. No wonder the robe broke. No shit. Those guys cannot be friends now. You don't think so?
Bear Attack and Revenge
00:41:42
Speaker
Bro, if you left me there and I'm like, thanks a lot. I army crawled the rest of the way while you're sitting there having soup and made it just left me.
00:41:52
Speaker
You wouldn't forgive me? No, God, no. I'm thinking you were dead. No, I barely forgive you for like missing a podcast. That's true. Imagine him dropping me, dropping me off a mountain and being like, well, I guess he was on his own. Well, to be fair, I mean, we were both going to die. You want us both to die? Well, we both lived. No thanks to you.
00:42:19
Speaker
I did drop you on a ledge though. That helps better. That's nice of you. You just dropped me on a ledge and said, well, just clapped your hands together and started walking off. Yeah. Well, uh, this is getting, uh, this snow's about to give. I don't want to kill myself too. He probably did it on purpose. He's like, if I drop this dude, I don't try to get him down there. It's just me. Yeah. I mean, however he justified it, um, his life.
00:42:43
Speaker
He had to feel shitty for the rest of his life. I guess. I mean, him doing that made it so they both lived. You imagine having to crawl all the way back, like on your army crawl and not use your legs. That would be. I mean, that's yeah. Not one mountain goat fucking running around, just jumping on you. And how do you even know where you're going?
00:43:12
Speaker
You're just following Joe's path. You're like, what is that noise? Plus they're on a mountain. How much like he wouldn't have to crawl a lot. He's like, I just need to get a nice, smooth surface on myself and try to get a good slide going. That's how we lost 42 pounds. He's like in the ice, cheered off all this fat. He's just sledding on his back. Can't stop with his legs because they don't work. There's a flopping behind him in the wind.
00:43:41
Speaker
I do have one more story that we should do because it's about airplanes and we're always on airplanes. Oh, good. Lightning strikes mid-flight. Julianne Kolesky was one of 93 passengers on LA and SA flight 508 on December 24th, 1971. During the flight, the airplane was hit by lightning and exploded mid-flight.
00:44:10
Speaker
The plane exploded from the lightning. Holy shit, I don't want to get on planes anymore.
Bizarre Death Stories of 2022
00:44:16
Speaker
Julianne was only 17 years old at the time. She fell thousands of feet while still strapped to her seat. Luckily, the jungle canopy caught her and cushioned her fall. She survived the fall. She had a broken collarbone, a cut on her arm, and a swollen eye.
00:44:31
Speaker
It's not bad. No, Julian had no training, but she listened to the piece of advice her parents told her. You find people when you follow the water. She went out on her own and found a small stream. She walked along with it all the way to, for nine days. Say the place. No, she walked along with it the way the water was flowing.
00:44:57
Speaker
She followed it for nine days. She found shelter and water and waited there until two loggers found her. She was the sole survivor of the crash. Wow. There's a lot of sole survivors of crashes. Yeah, it's because they had to kill the other ones to take their power in. I mean, that's good advice to follow the water. So, did it say her seat had a parachute?
00:45:26
Speaker
No, it she hit the jungle canopy. So like the thing I told you about the trees, that's the same. Yeah. OK, yeah, she was still strapped to her seat. The canopy caught her and cushioned her fall. All right. How fucking crazy is that?
00:45:48
Speaker
Oh, it was funny. It was like, she's trapped in. So like when she's flopping through the trees, which saved her, which is good. She broke her collarbone either from hitting a branch or from being dumped onto her face with a seat connected to her. What if she was stuck in that tree, like hundreds of feet up. She's like, great. I just survived a plane crash.
00:46:13
Speaker
from 30,000 feet and my seat is stuck in a tree. I'm fucked. She'd be fine. She had everything was good. She had a broken collarbone. That's actually pretty painful though. Yeah. I haven't had one of those. I have. It's bad. So could you, could you do what she did? I'm a tree.
00:46:31
Speaker
No, no. Walk, walk nine miles. Yeah. You got to keep your arm close to your body. Anytime you move your neck or move your arm away from your body, it's like drop you to your fucking knees pain. Really? Yeah.
00:46:47
Speaker
but if you keep it close, it kind of doesn't feel like anything. You feel like pain, but not, not intense. Yeah, it's nothing. If you move your arms, like put your arm like in an L shape against your body and move it out like six inches or so, and it starts to drop you.
00:47:05
Speaker
Drugs are good. Um, and then also like, um, me, it was hard, like getting up off the couch was tough cause you lead with your head. You don't realize like you start your head moving forward to get up off the couch. Oh yeah. Yeah. And every time I get like a momentum or something, and then that hurt really bad. I remember rubbing on my neck and things. I think I had like ripped some tendons or something.
00:47:31
Speaker
or muscles because I could feel like strands. Like if you like turn your neck to the side, you could feel like that stuff on the side. If you have like now they feel fine, but like before I could feel like individual strands. Oh God. Yeah. So like if that happened to her and she had to climb a tree, she'd be screaming all the way down and she might throw up. There's no way she can climb a tree with, climb down a tree with one arm.
00:47:59
Speaker
There's no way she'd have to use both. It would just be very, I mean, survival, dude. That's true. You get the adrenaline. I mean, you just like you, you, you sit there. Well, how it is anyway, she landed on the fucking ground and she's like in her seat still. She's like, what the fuck? She had some time to kind of contemplate like, first of all, a bolt of lightning exploded a plane.
00:48:24
Speaker
Yeah, these sound like some, some other countries. Well, I'm just saying, well, you think the planes are different now? Well, they probably are. And 50 years, 60 years, probably. Do you think if, if lightning hits a plane that you're in now, like it would disable the plane? I don't know about exploding it, but I worry about the electrical shorts. It could roast anything. Yeah. But they have a lot of redundancies and planes now.
00:48:54
Speaker
That's true. I mean, well, I guess we can find out. That would be
Fatal Animal Attacks
00:49:02
Speaker
terrible. I don't fly over any jungles, so I'd be fucked. Yeah, you would. A lot of Midwest and where I fly over to get to places. So I just flop flat in the middle of nothing.
00:49:14
Speaker
Piece of corn up my ass. How about attacked by a bear and left her dead? Alright, last one. You said that was the last one. One more. Alright, this is 1823 when men were men. Reason. Hugh Glass. That's a good name. Hugh Jess? It was led by Andrew... Hugh Glass was led by Andrew Henry on a fur trapping expedition. Hugh surprised a grizzly bear with her two cubs.
00:49:43
Speaker
She attacked and he had extensive injuries. However, Hugh did more damage, killing the bear with the help of his trapping team. Andrew Henry did not believe he would survive his injuries. He asked his two others, he asked two others, Bridger and Fitzgerald, to stay with him until he died. The two told Andrew that Hugh had died, but he was still alive. This is a fucking that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. I haven't seen that. This is that. That's what the story is.
00:50:13
Speaker
Hugh Glass woke up to see that everyone had left him. He had no weapons or equipment. He was mutilated to his bones in some areas and had severely broken leg. He set his leg and wrapped himself in the bear hide they had left. He ate berries and roots to survive. He traveled for six weeks and made a raft to float down the river. Natives helped him cover his wounds by sewing a bear hide to his back.
00:50:38
Speaker
Oh, you glass finally reached Fort Key out. He went to search for Fitzgerald and Bridger. He spared Bridger due to his young age and spared Fitzgerald because he had joined the U.S. Army. If he killed the soldier, he would be sentenced to death. He's going to kill him. I like this guy. Wouldn't you? Yeah. That's like just looking over you and they're like, come on, he's dead, dude. Let's get the fuck out of here.
00:51:08
Speaker
Wow. And you're going to be part bear now. They'll never attack you again. He saw bear skin do his back. That's pretty genius though. It's skin. It's pretty smart. What kind of fucking infection be pretty high, but that's pretty smart. Yeah. That's a real man. No shit. He, he made it all the way there and he's like, Hey, where are these motherfuckers at? I have to kill him. He's like, what is your leg?
00:51:38
Speaker
That is the movie, though. I'm trying to remember the name of the movie where the bear basically rapes Leonardo DiCaprio almost to death. I think it's called Barely Made It or something. No, it's not. It was an interesting movie. But yeah, that was the exact story they made that movie out of. It's called Bear With Me.
00:52:07
Speaker
the bare necessities. I barely survived. All right. I want to hear how some people died in 2022. You guys are unbearable. The ponds would be forever. I'm going to bury you both. You got any more bare ponds here?
00:52:34
Speaker
Uh, barely legal doesn't make any sense. I got a kid was, I guess. Yeah. A car, a knife and a protein powder. Wait, dude, bear back.
00:52:51
Speaker
Oh, that's legit right there. That's the one. That's what we call the movie. Yeah, Bearback. It's just people get to porn and they get thrown off. You guys, the dicks, I'm like, is this guy getting eaten by a bear? When did the chicks come out? You need to see that movie though, because it does look like the bear is raping Lena. That's awesome. That's why it should be called Bearback. It's fucking, it's gruesome. Okay. A car, a knife, and a protein powder.
00:53:22
Speaker
A Proton what? Protein powder. Oh, Proton powders. Our accidents aren't, okay. So, a man was driving, this is 2022, these are all deaths in 2020. Okay. A man was driving a Lexus in the very early morning on February 20th, 2022. When the car suddenly veered to the right, the Lexus smashed into a park
00:53:47
Speaker
A car parked along this road, according to the San Diego Times, the impact caused that parked car to crash into another, sparking a chain reaction that caused damage to five more cars. The Lexus was speeding and there were no skid marks to indicate any attempt to stop. The driver was taken to the hospital where a stab wound was discovered in his neck. The interior of the car was soaked in blood and bizarrely protein powder.
00:54:15
Speaker
The police also discovered a knife. Police determined that the man had not been wearing a seat belt and had probably been attempting to use the knife to transfer protein powder into a container of water as he drove. Distracted, he lost control of the car. And when the airbags deployed, they knocked the knife into his neck causing a lethal injury. That's a pretty good stretch on their part. I mean,
00:54:43
Speaker
The airbags, those airbags are violent. So you're holding a knife and that airbag goes off and fucking just stabs it right into your neck. That is totally plausible. It is, but he also could have been stabbed and trying to get a fucking wherever he had to go to survive.
00:54:59
Speaker
Uh, I guess. But no, the fact that he was using a knife to put protein powder, the most, I mean, if you're going to do it, that's the most dopest way to do it. Like cocaine, you're going to like cut a protein pack open with your knife and taste it like this good shit. So how fucking airbags scared the shit out of me.
00:55:24
Speaker
Yeah, it's like getting punched in the face. I don't ever want an airbag to hit me. They burn you too. They burn you? What are they? No, they have some weird chemical that shoots out like a powder.
00:55:36
Speaker
Like whatever accelerant pops it out and it like, it has some weird chemical that burns your arms. You know how female passengers, um, when they're sitting in the, in the passenger seat, they're, uh, they got their, their feet up on the dash. Yeah. You can solve that pretty quickly. Well, that's if the airbag goes off during that situation. Backflip. Yeah, dude. It throws your legs back and then it flips you. So your face is down where your feet were.
00:56:09
Speaker
But you can do that pretty quick. Like if you have a chick riding with you, but she puts her feet up, you're like, do put your feet down. She's like, I'm just chilling. I just slam on the brakes a little bit and they fucking half taco. And like, yeah, you don't know what I'm going to do. I'd fucking put your feet down. I remember this one chick used to put her foot out the window and like, I hope we crash. Wow. You are, you are an evil person. Well, they, you're just asking for it.
00:56:38
Speaker
Like those chicks are doing that video and sticking their heads out the window and like, ah, I'm trying to show their titties or whatever. And one got their head fucking ripped off by a sign. That guy's like me. He pulled to the side, like told you to get in the car. Is there that on video? Yeah. I got to see that video. You're a weird person. Yeah. Well, you're the one that seen it. Ah, not intentionally. I didn't look for it. Someone sent it to you. Mm hmm.
00:57:07
Speaker
Uh, how about blown over by helicopter downdraft? I killed someone. You know what they were doing. They're probably using a knife to get protein and fucking the downdraft shot it into their neck. Uh, ooh, uh, 87 year old deserved it. John Langan Langan wasn't in a helicopter on March 4th, 2022. She was firmly on the ground as noted by ITV.
00:57:36
Speaker
It's a sheet gene, I guess J E A N. Okay. The grandmother of four was walking through the parking lot of Dara Ford hospital in Plymouth, England, when her niece with her niece, when a helicopter landed on the hospital's helipad nearby. Um, according to Plymouth live.
00:57:58
Speaker
Langan was blown over by the downdraft caused by the helicopter's arrival, fell over onto the ground and hit her head. She died shortly afterward. Her niece was also knocked down and suffered serious, but not fatal injuries. Um, how windy is it that it crushes you into the ground? That's fucking ridiculous. But I guess, I mean, it's windy enough to lift it. So, uh, yeah, but I mean,
00:58:26
Speaker
That's thousands of pounds is lifting. So I guess I would say that that chick is a pussy, but she was 89 years old. So yeah, she's barely holding herself up to begin with. They're just recording her second. She slammed her head on the ground and her coconut blew up. Yep. Uh, how about swallowed by a swimming, uh, swallowed by a pool? Okay.
00:58:53
Speaker
According to the Washington Post, that's what happened to a man named Kil Kimi in the town of Carmel Yosuf in Israel in July of 2022.
00:59:07
Speaker
At a work event organized by his company, employees were enjoying a splash in the pool at the rented villa where the event was taking place. Without warning, a sinkhole opened in the center of the pool. As the bottom of the pool collapsed, water rushed in, pulling inflatable rafts and toys along with it.
00:59:27
Speaker
as can be seen in the horrific video shared around the world. Two men were sucked into the sinkhole by the force of the water. One man managed to escape, but Kimmy was pulled into the hole that was more than 30 feet deep. Wow, dude. That'd be shocking. That'd be shocking. You're swimming around all of a sudden, you're getting sucked on a hole. You have to swim in your ass off to try to get to the top. On the bright side, you're not going to hit the bottom like it's water.
00:59:57
Speaker
Well, yeah, but in fact, either way, how does that kill you? I don't know. Do you drown? How? He's panicking. He panics. Yeah, I. Well, and who knows what's in that hole? Dirt.
01:00:23
Speaker
Uh, I guess someone's jagged and he hit his head on rocks or something, maybe, but other than that, I mean, it's filling up with water. So you're not hitting the ground probably. No, you're well, you're hitting something. I guess, unless they were the first, like they were standing right in the sinkhole and they fell immediately and all the water just went down on them.
01:00:43
Speaker
Well, the sinkhole opened and the water fucking just got sucked down into it. Right. But if you're still by the kiddie pool side and it's sucking water down and it's pulling you in, that's another, that's a whole different story than falling immediately and having all the whole pool fall on you. That's true. Poor Kimmy. Oh boy. The fact that one guy made it. And his name was fitting. Kimmy Kill. Yep. Shouldn't wear floaties.
01:01:11
Speaker
I do have one more story that is, uh, that will end with, with these stories at least death by kangaroo. Mine's my biggest fear. Is it really dude kangaroos freak me out. They freak me out. Uh, someone, someone around where I live has two of them supposedly I saw on the news.
01:01:38
Speaker
They have what? Two kangaroos. Who has two kangaroos? Someone that lives around in my city. Oh, you need to go find out who the fuck that is and- No, to go get murdered by one? Not to get murdered by one, but I mean, that's something cool to see. Yeah, I'll look at it from my car. Then they'll find me covered in protein powder or the knife in my neck because a kangaroo made it look like a suicide or an accident. That's true. Kangaroos are evil.
01:02:08
Speaker
They're part deer, part rabbit, part squirrel. It's funny because this article says it's not a great idea to keep kangaroos as pets. Yeah. But that's exactly what an Australian man named Peter Eads did. According to the New York Times, Eads was brutally mauled by his pet in September of 2022. And when a relative discovered him and called authorities, NPR reports that
01:02:40
Speaker
NPR reports that the kangaroo prevented paramedics from getting to Eads. The police eventually had to shoot and kill the animal in order to get Eads medical attention. Unfortunately it was too late. Eads was pronounced dead at the scene. Although kangaroo attacks are rare, the last one recorded was Eads. Unfortunate death occurred
01:03:00
Speaker
Oh, the one before Eads was in 1936. So, yeah. So like they freaked me out, but I think I could take one in a life situation like a like a full size, full grown. What's that type of kangaroo that when they flex their muscles, they're fucking jacked? Yeah, I don't know. The protein powder ones, dude. Yeah, those I mean, would you?
01:03:29
Speaker
Would you fight a kangaroo in a boxing ring if it had boxing gloves on? Maybe. If it couldn't claw me, I definitely would take a chance at it, but it would kick you into oblivion. Yeah, you got to stay away from the feet. I think the whole the whole time I'd be trying to sidestep it. I would try to get to behind it and then that thing is getting choked the fuck out. Everything shuts down and has them have oxygen, dude. I didn't say it was MMA.
01:03:55
Speaker
I don't know. I'm not, I'm fighting to win. If they disqualify me, I'm fighting. I'm saying like in my house. Yeah. If I'm in my house and it's trying to come at me, like I liked that the paramedics were like, it wouldn't even let us in. It was just in there. They're like, I'm not going in there with that thing. Well, they'd get near it. The thing would like kiss or whatever the fucking kangaroos do. Choco faggot is just calling them stuff with Australian accent.
01:04:26
Speaker
Come on in here, mate. Smoking a cigarette. Yeah, he's dead. I can't do it. I can't use rodents. That's a pretty big rodent, dude. Are they actual mammals? I don't know. I think I could, if I have, if it was trying to kill me, I could probably survive.
01:04:51
Speaker
I don't know that dude didn't survive, but of course he's like, stop biting me. What's wrong with you? Well, he might've been sleeping and things over there. Fucking joking him or kicking him in the face or whatever, but he's probably trying to fuck it or something. That's what makes me wonder what the fucking people in your town have kangaroo. No idea. Kangaroo orgies. I think that guy, all he had to do is get to another room or something to shut. It doesn't know how to use doorknobs. It might.
01:05:21
Speaker
He taught how to use doorknobs. He did it to himself. He can't lock a door. Bears and shit can open car doors. I guess, but I mean, you could lock the door, but I guess it would just kick it in. Yeah, how come fire departments don't have kangaroos? It's like instead of Dalmatians. Just walk him with a fucking on a leash and go kick that door in.
01:05:44
Speaker
That'd be pretty awesome to see kangaroo hanging off the back of a fire truck. Yeah, with a fucking little little kangaroo fire helmet on. That'd be dope, dude. You don't think you could take a kangaroo in a life or death situation? Like where you know you have to do something with this thing. Like not I'm just fighting it in a ring. Like I have to defeat it or maybe it's biting you and scratching you with its fucking sharp talons. I mean, I would hope I could survive, but I mean, you don't know for sure. Like I said, if it's got me in an area like I'm in, let's say it's got me cornered, I might get fucked up.
01:06:15
Speaker
But if I got, I'm in the middle of a room. You think you could beat a pack of wolves? A dog. I said a dog. Okay. What about a wolf? A wild wolf in the fucking- How much is it worth? 80 pounds. 80 pounds. I'd get fucked up, right? Like I would be, someone would have to find me, but I would ultimately, I wouldn't get destroyed completely by it, probably, no. Just one lone wolf.
01:06:44
Speaker
I'm not going to test it. So we know when you you fucking pull. Driving through the forest and you stop and you're like, I'm going to go out into the forest now. That's my time. It's called. Yeah, I probably carry a rock or something like I definitely try to get something to bludgeon it with. Yeah, as it's gnawing on your neck, you're like, let me look around. That's the thing. If I keep it away from my vitals, I just hope it doesn't sever like an artery where I bleed out.
01:07:14
Speaker
It's going to bite me guaranteed. I'm not going to get away without getting bitten or scratched or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm going to be fucked up. I'm going to be hurt. They're going to have to sew bear skin to me. So a wolf, you think you could take it, but you'll get fucked up. How about a bear? No. A baby bear. A baby. I kick a baby bear across the street, dude.
01:07:40
Speaker
I would see that bit. I would look like a, like a kicker. I would take three steps to the side and run up and punt that baby there in the face. How about a juvenile bear, 300 pound bear, 300 pound bear. I'm dead, dude. Like they're strong. Like I don't, it's going to break me in half. Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to survive that. Your only chance is to play dead.
01:08:05
Speaker
That's a, I don't like that either. No, cause it's going to hurt. It's going to eat part of you while you're playing dead. Well, even then you're like, I'm playing dead and it just destroys you. Like you idiot, you stopped moving. You had a chance. Like my goal would be getting into the smallest area I could, so it can't get in. How about, um, what are those, are they orangutans that suck people up?
01:08:29
Speaker
I think all monkeys fuck people up. I think it's orangutans though, like they keep his pets or in the zoo and then the handler like is alone with it and it fucking kills them. Maybe. Would you rather fight a big, like an orangutan, this hell bent to kill you or a lone wolf? Lone wolf. Really? Yeah.
01:08:54
Speaker
Rangetangs have too many like they can jump up, swing on stuff, climb a tree, jump off, fucking do like Jackie Jan fighting on me. A dog. I have an idea of how it can move. And the Rangetang will eat your face. All right. Right. An orangutan like can stand up, pretend to box me, kick me, fucking swing around, fly around, jump on my head. It could do too much. Right. What would you rather fight? Oh, God.
01:09:25
Speaker
A Reese's monkey. Some have peanut butter in it. No, there's little tiny monkeys that like that play the like. You don't get to choose a different animal. He's got a wolf or an orangutan. An orangutan. You'd rather fight an orangutan? I think so. Have you seen the teeth on an orangutan? No. They're sharp too. They got do they have the fucking vampire teeth? I think so.
01:09:55
Speaker
No, I'm not. How would you fight an orangutan? What would be, like, let's say, where are you fighting this orangutan? In your house? In the club, empty barn. You're in a barn with an orangutan and there's nothing in it. Right.
01:10:16
Speaker
But there's pillars and stuff that could swing around and fucking Jackie Chan you in the face. Yeah. Yeah. You're dead. You wouldn't know how to fathom what to do with that. I would punch the fuck out of it. Yeah. You would punch it and it would shake it off.
Can You Punch an Orangutan to Sleep?
01:10:37
Speaker
It would look at you like, what's up? You think so? I'd smash my head on trees all day.
01:10:44
Speaker
You think you can punch your orangutan to sleep? I mean, if it was stood still, yes. How many punches? Five. Five punches that orangutan is out cold. I mean, I hope. I mean, if five punches on a human face would knock someone out cold. Not always.
01:11:05
Speaker
Like if it stood there and put his arms down or did that thing like, come here. And you just let you punch him. You think you knock him out? Not in one punch. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know how ringing things deal with punches. I don't know. It would grab your arm and rip it out of the socket. I'm serious. The ringing things are like, they have retard string. Yeah. They would just rip your limbs off. There's some monkey that rips your dick off first.
01:11:35
Speaker
As it's killing you, it rips your dick off. What if it's in your pants? The monkey? Your dick! Well, yeah, it's just gonna rip right through that and rip your dick off. It's gonna rip a hole in your pants as it rips your dick off, dude.
01:11:54
Speaker
I mean, if it doesn't know you have a dick, I guess it's like, Oh, I guess he doesn't have a dick. Right? What?
Gorilla vs Orangutan Showdown
01:11:59
Speaker
Why is it ripping your dick off is what I want to know. I guess there's some sort of like dominance thing where they, when they fight, they rip the dicks off to be like, this is your procreate. This is what you care about. Like, so it rips your face off. So you can't notice, rips your arms and legs off. These monkeys don't have dicks because they've been ripped off. What? You said that's what they do when they're fighting each other. Yeah. But they're, if they rip your dick off, they're probably killing you too. It's not just rip your dick off. See you later.
01:12:24
Speaker
Right. I would just want to see. I want to fight the monkey that has the dick ripped off. OK. Because that's the weak monkey. It's already taken an L. Those monkeys are like mobsters, dude. They're like, we're just sending a message to the other monkeys. All right. How about this, an orangutan or a gorilla? Man, gorillas are pretty rough. You punch a gorilla in the face. Good luck.
01:12:54
Speaker
Right. It would, as you punch it in the face, it would bite your hand off. Then it would rip your arms off and beat you with them like a drum. Nah, dude. I wouldn't, I would just probably die. You wouldn't die. I can't even run. All right. You could attempt it.
01:13:15
Speaker
What? You can tempt it. Oh, I'm going to be seductive. You're you're you're going to, you know, because like King Kong, like that chick, he was in love with it. Right. Am I a chick or do I have to bring a chick with me? No, you have to become a chick. You have to become like you have to like. It's going to ensure that I do that. Wiggle your ass at it or something. Yeah, it's going to make sure I'm a chick.
01:13:44
Speaker
Oh, well, it's either that or kill you, which would get raped by a gorilla or die. Probably die. You would get raped by a gorilla and live and be able to walk away from it or just let it destroy you, rip your arms off and shit. You would take you would take that. You would take that gorilla dick. I bet if you got raped by a gorilla, you'd start to go to the hospital.
01:14:13
Speaker
You would have broken like arms. I don't know how big your gorilla dicks. I'm not saying I'm not saying that, dude. You're not from getting shredded by dick. Just him. Gorilla power. Fucking you, bro. You see the gorilla size, the way it moves, it would rape you into oblivion. What if it was a gentle lover?
01:14:37
Speaker
Well, that'd be almost worse. I don't want to be like made love to, dude. I'd rather get violently raped. So it's like, this is a horrific fight. I'm losing. That way is just like, I, if it's like seductively raping you, you had to lay there and like, let it spoon you. Right. And pretend to like it. Yeah. Like the other way, at least you're fighting like, ah, don't rape me. The other, this way you have to be like, like, I like it when you do that.
01:15:05
Speaker
What if it forces your head down to suck its dick? Oh my god, dude.
Gorilla Anatomy and Myths
01:15:11
Speaker
It would break my neck. Would you bite it? Would you bite the dick? Fuck no. I'd suck that dick, the best I've ever sucked a dick, dude. I'm not going to bite that. Dude, you bite that thing's dick and it just flips you up and pile drives you into the ground. Yeah. Your life is over. Yeah. Well, true. But I've already sucked a dick. I was like, I bit a dick on the way out. That dick's still in my mouth.
01:15:38
Speaker
Well, you bite its dick off and you're like, all right, who's the master now? It's like, yeah, I'm going to dig out. I might leave. Yeah, it's like shit. I lost. Yep. Like I'm keeping this. I get that thing that stuffed for a trophy. Then that female gorilla comes in and was like, all right, you're the big boy now. Do you still get raped by a gorilla? That's stupid. No, you're not raping. You're willingly fucking that gorilla. I don't think that's true at all. That'd still be a rape for me.
01:16:08
Speaker
I got I got to look at how big a real dick is. You're Google, dude, you're going to be on a list. I'd say four inches. Four to six. What's your guess where you see it? I'm going to say don't talk. Hard, I'm going to say seven inches. Oh, no, they got little dicks, dude, four, four inch dick. All right.
01:16:38
Speaker
You can't swing around the trees every dick dangling down eight inches. Well, it says. The erect gorilla penis is only three to six centimeters long. No wonder they're so mad. Whereas that of a chimpanzee. Measures eight to eighteen eighteen centimeters in length. How long is an emitter?
01:17:02
Speaker
chimpanzee males need a longer penis due to the voluminous, uh, anogenital swelling of the. Osterus females. The pussies get fat, bro. Look up, uh, how many inches that is? Well, three to six centimeters is a small, right? I mean, that's tiny. Look it up. Look at the conversion to inches. Make it American.
01:17:29
Speaker
I'll go the large, I'll go six centimeters. Okay. Three inches. Yeah, that makes sense. Like there's no way they could fucking swing around with big dicks. Plus their legs are real short to the ground. Their dicks be scraping on the fucking grass and stuff.
01:17:54
Speaker
So six centimeters is 2.3 inches. He's small dick pussies. That makes it seem like it's easy to rip a dick off then. But chimpanzees, they've got 18, up to 18 centimeters. So you multiply that times three, it's about six inches. Yeah, that's not bad for a fucking champ. No, they're not very tall. No. It's a pretty big dick fellow. Three to six centimeters. So it's like one to two inches.
01:18:24
Speaker
And that's crazy. They'd have to, they definitely have to power. I can probably get raped by a gorilla then. That's what I was going to say. You could even suck a gorilla dig. It wouldn't even, it would be easy. You had to be way close to it. The, it trying to rape, it would really have to power fuck you then. Cause it's such a small dick and you had to get to your ass. It would just rip your butt cheeks off. You spread your butt cheeks all the way off your body to get closer.
01:18:53
Speaker
Wow. How did this conversation get into this? I don't know. You always turn into me getting fucked by some animal. Just a gorilla. So you'd rather get fucked by a gorilla than a chimpanzee? Guaranteed. Well, I mean, dick size, yes. But I feel like the chimpanzee is not going to fucking. I feel like gorillas, like they're not as wild as chimps are, like chimps
01:19:24
Speaker
And in the ring of things or whatever, you know, they'll just rip your face off like gorillas are more. I feel like they're more civilized. Have you ever seen one get mad, dude? Oh, yeah. I mean, you piss any monkey off, they're going to fucking go wild. Yeah, but there looks like a truck coming at you. It would it would have spinal injuries from a gorilla, right?
01:19:50
Speaker
A chimpanzee rape, you're just gonna have ass issues. You think you'd get AIDS if a gorilla fucked you? I mean, the right one. That's the right one. We probably don't all have AIDS. The wrong one, I guess. Well, what if AIDS doesn't kill the monkeys? It just kills humans. We got to figure out what those monkeys are rolling with then. Yeah. I mean, it did come from monkeys.
01:20:17
Speaker
Aged it. Maybe I'll try to put a little condom on it if it's going to rape me. I'll be like, hey, hold on. Oh, yeah, it's going to be like, no, we're not doing it. We're not playing that game. Maybe it'll love it. It'll probably try to eat it. It'll end up eating the condom. Like, this is like bubble gum. And I just leave it. It's blowing condom bubbles. Oh, yeah, I don't want to get raped by any monkeys.
01:20:37
Speaker
that no monkeys or anyone in general anything that's true good good call okay no kangaroos no wolves nobody i don't want you to read by anything could you imagine a wolf fucking raping you do you imagine it no but i mean can you imagine it no no it's like that's true doggy style at that point
01:21:00
Speaker
Yeah. My dog tries to hump my leg and he really grips on there. So I can't imagine. And wolves are way more than 80 pounds. Those things are huge. No, no, I think we'll, the average wolf says, all right, here we go. How many centimeters wolf? I'm just saying how, how big is, uh, what is the average size of a wild wolf? Okay.
01:21:30
Speaker
You said some weird Arctic wolf or some shit. Well, yeah. None of these run of the mill wolves. You're talking monstrous snow wolves. The average size of a wolf's body is three to five feet long. And their tails are usually one or two feet long.
Squirrel vs Monkey: Who Wins?
01:21:51
Speaker
Females typically weigh 60 to 100 and males weigh 70 to 145. There you go.
01:22:02
Speaker
I'd get one of those 80 pound wolf. I'd definitely beat that one's malnutrition sick. That's a little hungry. That's the one's going to fuck you up the most. I'm going to punch it five times in the face and knock it out. I would give you an unlimited amount of punches on an orangutan. I bet you couldn't knock it out.
01:22:24
Speaker
And I'm not even trying to call you weak or anything like that. Or you can't punch like orangutan probably eat your punches for breakfast. Right. It's like this. What? Oh, he wants to play. Yeah. And then he, you punch him five times and like, Oh, and then he just rips your arms off. Eat your face. He's just like, I don't like that you're punching me with these. I'm going to take those off.
01:22:47
Speaker
So, all right, we would not survive. I guess it'd be the moral of that story. That would not be a survival story. Most monkeys would fuck us up. You, you either fight a squirrel or a monkey. That's a tough one. Squirrel. I would, I would just because it's smaller.
01:23:07
Speaker
Even though you're terrified of squirrels. I just know that I can't defeat a squirrel, but you definitely can't defeat a monkey. I know exactly. So I would lose either way. It's just, do I want small bites out of me or I want my appendages ripped off my dick. It could be any monkey. You could pick any monkey, baby monkeys. I mean, any full size grown monkey, like a tiny monkey, like one of those midget monkeys you're talking about that sit on people's shoulders and play the fucking banjo or whatever.
01:23:37
Speaker
It'd be a pretty crafty little monkey. Yeah. That's what I want. I would never want one of those. I like the idea of it. Like I'd like to teach it to like smoke once and play video games and go steal shit for you. That'd be pretty cool. Be like, I don't know. Those monkeys are fucking kleptos. Not my fault. This monkey has an issue.
01:24:06
Speaker
Dude, I'd make my monkey bad. I would shave it to be like a human. It would look like a baby. Yeah, that'd be cool. I'd push it on
Ethics of Dog Tail Docking
01:24:18
Speaker
like a baby. Like, Oh, is that your baby? Like, yeah. And then I just could jump out and attack them.
01:24:24
Speaker
Like your baby walks really well. Like, I know. I know. Watch it climb this tree. Why is that? It's your baby of a tail. I've cut his tail off. Oh, shit. What dog? What's the breed of dog that they cut the tails off? Is it pit bulls? Yeah, there's a couple of them. Yeah, why? Why do they cut the tails off? So they can't be bitten when they're fighting. Yeah, but they don't fight anymore. Nah, they probably still do. I don't know. It just looks cool. Mine didn't have a tail.
01:24:53
Speaker
Well, I know. I mean, is it like, is the tail? I got his ears, too. Is it cancerous? I don't know. I think it's just to make him look cool. Doberman sometimes on tail. So you're OK with mutilation of dogs as long as it's not their balls. Yeah, don't take their dicks away. I thought it was pretty weird. Like, yeah, we just get his ears and his tail. I'm like, I didn't feel great about it.
01:25:18
Speaker
I was also younger though, and I was like, this is what people do. Well, it is. It is what I had to get. I had to get talked in. No, wait. No, mine had the tail. Mine didn't have the ear. He had the ears cut.
01:25:27
Speaker
So he had the short stubby ears. He had like the pointy ears, but he's fucking always listening. But he had a full tail? Yeah. You're like, fuck, I should have had that cut off. No, I couldn't do it. I felt once I did the ears, I was like, I'm tired. I don't think I should cut anything off this dog. And I didn't cut it. Obviously, I took it in. Right.
01:25:49
Speaker
to a vet. Vets are like, oh yeah, this is normal. Yeah, exactly. Mutilation of dogs and animals. Yeah, we can cut his ears off. Who cares? This is an animal. So bizarre. Bring your kids in here. We'll cut two of their fingers off. We give no fucks. We do circumcisions here. I guess that's kind of the same, right? That's what people think. It's also cleaner. It's pretty horrific though.
01:26:13
Speaker
It's also much cleaner and less chance of dick cancer. Maybe, but evolution and stuff. Do you think that would probably needs to be there for a reason? It doesn't. Okay. What reason would it need to be there? I don't know. It's there for a reason, probably for being outside.
01:26:31
Speaker
Oh, maybe. I mean, it's made for outside living. Right. It protects the head. Right. You don't want to scrape that on a branch or something. I just know that there's a lot of adults and stuff that have to get it done, have to get circumcisions done because they have complications over the years of, um, yeah, probably like, you know, I don't know, it's not good. It definitely can cause a lot of cancer in chicks.
01:27:02
Speaker
uncircumcised penises. You're just trying to make it so dudes, you're trying to take down your competition. I guess I don't know how that's competition. Guys with uncircumcised, like they're not circumcised, they're dangerous to you women. So stay with the guys that are cut. Oh yeah, they're not any bigger or anything. Like it doesn't make you have a bigger dick, but being uncircumcised. It's not like they're cutting your dick off. They're cutting skin around your head.
01:27:28
Speaker
Yeah. I'm not sure what kind of point you're trying to make. I'm just saying you're like, Hey, those dicks are gross and dirty and you get cancer. I just get tired of the bitches on fucking social media. They're like, it's abuse of children and shit. It's like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. So is Ram and I'm full of fucking stupid cunt. That's what I say. I guess that's free speech though, right? You got to let them have it. And you're allowed to say stupid to come to them.
01:27:56
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. But they're trying to make it illegal and shit. You know, they're trying to like, you can't circumcise your child if you don't like it. It's not that's not allowed. But I'm going to have at the abortion clinic. Sometimes I wonder how much how much these people really care more than they're getting endorphins from like making change and standing for something and having something to believe in. Well, no, I think they're making a difference when they're not.
01:28:26
Speaker
Well, if they made it so you can't do it, they made a difference. They're not making it. They're just spouting hate on Facebook. I guess this one bitch in general. That's why I never, I never, I haven't seen it. And you haven't gone on there in years, but, uh, when I was on there, yeah, it was every post was like, this is mutilation. I guess it's not fights for some women causes.
01:28:56
Speaker
The what? Women, get your clits tucked. Oh yeah, that's mutilation too. They do that in the Middle East. That's weird. They cut the lips. The pleasure zone. They cut the roast beef off.
01:29:16
Speaker
What do they do with all that skin? Probably make the bottom of shoes or something. Yeah. Oh, you're missing an earlobe here. I got something for you. It's going to, it's a little, it's going to make you a little excited when you rub it. Just sitting there rubbing your ear all the time. Like what are you doing? Like, I don't know. This feels fantastic. You just keep, you keep pitching your earlobes real hard. Oh my God. It feels so good.
01:29:44
Speaker
Why is your mouth watering now? That's just like squirting. Yeah, you're squirting out of your ears. All right, man, we're off. We're done. I think that's, that's a good, a good place to end it. Yeah. Yeah. This one was bananas. Literally. Yeah. We gave you guys an extra half hour. You're welcome. Half hour from nothing. And as they say, watch out for photo beams.
01:30:29
Speaker
Brad the bull!