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NTK408 - Lost Episode 1
59 Plays1 year ago
These are being forced out by the illuminati
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Transcript
Introduction and Casual Banter
00:00:02
Speaker
You're listening to the Cheap Shots Podcast Network.
00:00:42
Speaker
What up, dude? What up, guy?
Technical Difficulties and Brain vs. Tools
00:00:48
Speaker
Another episode of NTK. To throw in the garbage. To throw in the garbage. We've thrown so many in the garbage over the last month or two. For real. Not because they sucked. It was because technical difficulties. We did a lot of work and got nothing out of it.
00:01:10
Speaker
I still plan on trying to fix all that. I should have some time now. There's no way you're going to be able to fix all that. If I have another project, I'll be able to have a lot more time. That's true. You might get to stay at a place for a while. That'd be nice. Yeah. Yeah. No tools. And that's even better. The only tool you need is your brain.
00:01:31
Speaker
which that runs very strong. So 24 seven works. It's going to work right now while we talk. It's getting smoother and smoother. Oh, for sure. It's the smoothest thing you'd ever, you'd ever felt like bowling ball. Yeah. You ever smell like a, felt like a marble? Yeah. Those are awesome. Yeah. It's kind of like a marble feel to it.
Humor and Personal Quirks
00:01:52
Speaker
Did you know if the earth was the size of a marble, it would feel just like a marble smooth.
00:02:02
Speaker
Oh, you're Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yeah, baby. Bussing out father facts. Yeah. Which I don't know how he fucking knows that, but whatever. It makes sense to me. Marble's really rough too if it was- Under a microscope, right? Yeah, right. I guess, man. If you had huge thumbs, the earth would feel like a marble, dude. You'd have to have some pretty monstrous thumbs. God has pretty monstrous thumbs. Those are pretty large thumbs he's got. Yeah.
00:02:32
Speaker
But yeah, I think I'm whittling this thing. He has disposable thumbs. How uncomfortable would you be if you knew I was sitting here rubbing one out while we had this, like while we did our podcast? I wouldn't bother me at all. That's what I'm doing right now. What if I sent you videos? Oh, I would send you videos. Pretty good at the angles now. What does the angles mean? Oh, bro. You gotta work that camera to get the most you got.
00:02:57
Speaker
That's true. My belly gets in the way, but other than that, the angles are good. Sometimes like, uh, I'll get things for reference, like set it next to like a pan or a cup, but then I just buy real small cups and pens. So it looks like that's a full size pen. Yeah. Or you put it like you have some dolls hanging around and you just put your, put it, put your dick right on a doll hand and say, look at that. You made it real weird.
00:03:24
Speaker
You made that real weird, real fast. That's my specialty. Oh my god, where you got dolls hanging around? Well, I mean, I have kids. You didn't even say that you had them sitting around. You had the dolls hanging around. They're hanging there. You're a psycho, dude. Guess what color the dolls are. That's racist. They're white. You're racist.
00:03:48
Speaker
I was going to say if they're all white, if you pick one color only, they're your racist. Oh, I like to hang white people. Yeah. Reparations, dude. Do you think in the history of the world, more white people or black people were, were hung like in the history and the world of the world? I don't know. That's tough. Do you think more white people would have been killed or other?
00:04:18
Speaker
other persuasions. Persuasions, you call them? Yeah. Is that what you see when you see them on the street? Like, let's cross the street. There's a persuasion coming. What the fuck, man? I don't know. I don't know, man. I imagine there's a lot of whites that got hung up, especially from crimes and stuff. Yeah. Back in Europe, a lot of people burned. What if my head's cut off?
Reality TV Skepticism
00:04:41
Speaker
I bet more white head comes. Guillotines, yeah. I was watching
00:04:46
Speaker
Forged in fire last night and they had a guillotine special where they had to get all their material from a guillotine. Ooh. The steel and then they had to like chop up the wood to make candles. Not candles, handles. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I like that show.
00:05:08
Speaker
So then. OK. Oh, you're going to get me started. And then there's a new season of Strange New Worlds. So I watched the first episode of that. I don't know what that is. Star Trek. Oh, that's why I don't know. So I'm so excited to talk to you today. I've been waiting all day. No, I'm serious. I'm serious. Why? I watched alone seven episodes and I just want to tell you it sucks. You don't like alone.
00:05:36
Speaker
No, it's like a reality. It's them crying and talking about their feelings. They barely do anything.
00:05:43
Speaker
Well, the whole purpose is for them to stay alive as long as they can. I know. I watched it for seven episodes. I'm like, this is like a ghost show. How did you get through seven episodes if you hate it? I played it while I was working on another monitor. If I had just didn't just watch that, I would have been alone killing myself. I like that show.
00:06:06
Speaker
But it's not great. Um, I like where they're at. I like the idea of it. Um, but the same thing with ghosts and Bigfoot, right? They're like, there's a bear right outside. They heard some show the bears and shit. Listen, and then they just took a video of a bear and they're like, put that in there, edited in perfect. One guy's like, I lost my fire starting thing. Guess I'm done. Did he leave after that? Yeah, immediately. He doesn't have to start a fire without a fire starter.
00:06:35
Speaker
Yeah. Well, he dropped it. I guess he had it on his jacket and went flying into the lake when he picked up his jacket. They had tied. It went onto the beach and then the tide took it when he realized he didn't have it. Did he cry? They all cry. It's ridiculous. It made me mad. The show makes me mad because it's just like ghosts or Bigfoot. Like you hear that? That's a thing. And then they just peppered in some fucking edited video.
00:07:03
Speaker
You think so? Yeah. Cause they didn't take, they're in their tent going, Oh, I'm scared. I heard videos like of themselves. And they have more than one video camera each. I know. And they're setting it outside and somehow they're charging it with their assholes. Now they come, they come every week and give them new batteries. Sure. So, and food. So here's, no.
00:07:25
Speaker
Um, the fact, so we were talking recently, I was like, having a boat would be cool if I go out on it and kind of enjoy the silence or. Oh yeah. You were being ridiculous. And you said I was psycho and you love this show and that's what it's all about is being alone in nature. Yeah. It's survival. Doesn't matter. Same thing. You're not going out on a boat to survive.
00:07:47
Speaker
I know, but it's the same thing. Those guys are talking about how they're connecting with nature and being alone does that. And you're like, this is bad. Those guys are badass. Everything about it, it makes sense to me. It speaks to my soul. And I'm like, hey, you should be out in nature by yourself. I've never said anything that it speaks to my soul or how awesome it would be to do that. OK, I just like the show. It's bad. It's not it's not a bad show. You think every show is fake, though? Every single show.
00:08:18
Speaker
So name other reality shows that aren't that are not fake. Yep. Naked and afraid. You don't think that's faked in any way. So anything where they're surviving, you believe they're just like anything. Just OK. Like there's a lot of controversy from survivor man guy. Bear Grylls, not bear. No, he's he's a different guy. He's the British guy. Survivor man is.
00:08:45
Speaker
Another dude. I'm trying to remember his name. No one cares. But he they there's a lot of claims that he faked a lot of his shit or most of it. Weird. Do you think he faked it? I have no idea. Do you think he faked it? I think it's possible that anyone could fake anything. Boom. Revelations. But doesn't mean it's true. It's no, it's not. It's fake. It doesn't mean it's fake.
00:09:15
Speaker
It's fake. They wouldn't do that, especially like these guys too. They're like, we just paid all this money for this episodes and everybody quit in the first fucking three days. Like we got to figure this out. All right. What about, uh, you love impractical jokers. That's all fake.
00:09:33
Speaker
Some of it probably is. Oh, it is. Maybe. Maybe. I mean, why wouldn't it be? It's fucking reality TV. For sure. I'm sure they set stuff up to make it work. Some of it is ridiculous. I think some of those reactions are genuine, but they probably pepper in some fake shit too. So you're saying, you're saying that the alone, some of it's real and some of it's fake. Yeah. Okay. They're out there. Yeah. That's about it.
00:10:02
Speaker
And they have to have health checks every 10 days or something. Yep. Or seven days. I don't know what it is for sure. But, and if they're not what I'm reading by a bear, no weapons, no, nothing. Not one does. They have weapons. They make weapons. They bring weapons. They have knives. They don't bring guns and stuff. They have bows and arrows, bro. They don't have bows and arrows. Yes, they do. They said they wish they had them. Well, some people did bring that.
00:10:27
Speaker
Okay. You're allowed to. I haven't met that guy, but it has to be no compound bows. It has to be straight up like old school bow and arrow. No, either way. It's okay. The guy who won it and was on Joe Rogan a few years ago, he killed a moose with a bow and arrow. I know he's only that. It's fucking dope.
00:10:47
Speaker
He had the camera on himself and on the moose all at once. He had it set up perfectly. Like, let me set this up and hopeless moose. They brought in a dude dressed as a moose and he shot him. No, just editing. So he didn't kill him. Editing's pretty, he may have. Someone did. Yeah. Think about what you'd have to do to make that shot work as far as like for TV.
00:11:16
Speaker
I don't think we've done this before. We don't have to do this the whole episode, but no, I get him. Probably showed him holding the bow. I'm sure. And then it showed the moose. I guarantee it. I don't remember. Yeah, but I'll let you know when I get to season seven, episode eight. Is that when they kill a moose? I don't fucking know. But the guys, there's only one guy in there. I like the rest of them are really,
00:11:44
Speaker
Which guy do you like? What do you call him? Persuasions. Um, the bigger guy that he was sitting there fucking, I don't know his name. I don't know their names. He was a bigger guy that didn't have a beard before they started and had a beard at the beginning of the show, ate a slug right away. Oh, why do you like that guy? Cause he doesn't seem like a bitch. The rest of them seem like pussies. Like I can't even believe they can do it. Well, there's the women, another guy that I was surprised about.
00:12:13
Speaker
The women on there are kind of shitty. There was no woman on this one. There's no women. Not on Alone. Yeah. Not on season one apparently. Oh yeah, they have like eight seasons. Dear God, people just watch people like, look at them walking in the woods. They're in the middle of nowhere.
00:12:35
Speaker
I know man, but I was just saying like that you have some sort of admiration for those guys, but yet none for me just cause I'm not surviving. I get to go home. No admiration for you just because you want to sit on a boat alone. That's weird. Or walk in the woods alone. You think is weird. No, you want to like go live in the woods. I don't want to live in them. I just said, sometimes it feels like it's calling me to go into them. Right. I think that's something else calling you to go into them. Maybe. I'm just saying like, I thought about that today. I'm like, what a hypocrite fuck.
00:13:06
Speaker
Me? Yeah, because she was called alone. Yeah, and I don't want to be one of those people. No, but you at least have some sort of admiration for them, right? No, it's entertainment. Yes, I'm going to go into the woods and just record myself walking like, well, fuck, there's a panther behind me and then cut to a panther.
00:13:26
Speaker
I'd be like, man, you had a crazy time out there and I'm a fucking pull the bow and I'm a show. There's a panther in Canada? Holy shit. No, I'm sure they're, that's weird, but I'm sure that they're there. I'm just saying like they didn't get the footage. They don't have panthers where they are dropped off. So one guy had a panther in a tree. Where were they? Somewhere cold. So it was a mountain lion. They said panther. That's how stupid those guys are. That's how stupid the show is.
00:13:59
Speaker
There's a panther up in the tree. You're going to find out that there are panthers. You're gonna feel like a dummy. There's no panthers in fucking Canada, bro. I don't know, but they were cold. I don't know what we got to watch season one. I feel like that's the test season. It's not as good. Maybe I'll watch the rest when they got there, uh, editing better.
00:14:23
Speaker
Uh, well, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry you watched seven episodes and you hate it. I was trying for you. I wanted to see what you liked about it. It's just like any other show. Yeah. I knew you wouldn't like it. You don't like any reality shows. Period. I struggle. I struggle with them, man. Even though you love impractical jokers. I like to laugh. I don't care if it's fake or not. It makes me laugh. Oh yeah. Laughing is good. I laugh at these people. All right. That's good. Yeah. Me too. When they're not crying.
00:14:53
Speaker
When they lose and shit, or they're like trying to make a boat and it sinks. That's good stuff. And then they're freezing and they're like, I can't do it anymore. It's been five days. Solid entertainment. So you're into it. That's cool. I just, I tried to watch it. It's a tough one. The ones that break, like that have good survival skills, but they end up breaking it because they miss their families.
00:15:22
Speaker
They just use that so they can get out of there and not look like they just did it because they couldn't handle it. Is that what you think? Oh, for sure. You don't think any of them miss their kids or their wives? Not enough to go home, especially after five days, dude. No, after like 25 days, 30 days. Even then, if that's what breaks you, you're a faggot. I just killed a bear with my bare hands. I gotta go home because I miss my kisses.
00:15:54
Speaker
Listen, the guy that travels like we do, who cares? Stop being, stop being weak. You just wrestled a bear to the ground. Like, well, you're, you're bad and sad because you can't wake up and have waffles with your lady. And it's funny to see how like, how bad ass they are before they enter. They're like, yeah, I can do this and that. And I'm ready. None of them are ready. Yeah. I didn't watch one breakdown. Cause it's like, my wife's about to have a job. Like you probably shouldn't have came out here then. Yeah. I wasn't an idiot.
00:16:23
Speaker
So he looked like Phillip, Phil. Oh, nice. Maybe it was. He's from Lincoln, Nebraska. Looked just like Phil. It probably was Phil. It looks just like him, dude. It wasn't his name on there. Yeah. He changed it for the show because he's like, I lost and looked weak. He'll change my name. Did you hear that beeping noise?
00:16:48
Speaker
It's, I have a timer to set off and explode. I explode in another 30 minutes. Oh shit. I'm going to get this going. Everybody mark the time. 30 minutes. I die. I'm waiting. Unless this conversation gets good. I will die. This is like speed. I'm waiting. I'll make it as boring as possible. Usually about ghost. Yeah. They came out with a new album, but it's, it's a remake album. No one cares.
00:17:17
Speaker
They have a Tina Turner song they covered. Oh, good. Ghost doing Tina Turner. They doubled up on the back. You want to hear it? No. Oh, okay. It's good. I hate it. You hate everything. It's montage music, dude.
00:17:39
Speaker
What does that mean? 80s montage music where you can't afford a real band in a movie in the 80s and then you played something that they had to learn to ski or something. They play this trash over it. It's not trash. It's throwaway music. It's not throwaway music. We're not going to get into this. We just talked about Alone and we're talking about Ghost again. Every episode is the same. We didn't talk about Alone before. We have. No, you haven't.
00:18:06
Speaker
Oh, well you have in debt, like in a whole, for a whole episode. I don't think that's true. I'll play it for you. Let's rewind this. Not right now. No, we were going to talk about, um, hotel experiences.
Traveling Tales and Tipping Habits
00:18:24
Speaker
More things we ate. Yeah. Like living in a hotel, like the last two trips I've done, I've had to be in a hotel room for 12 days.
00:18:36
Speaker
And, uh, I will have to say at the end of the, at the end of each rotation, uh, of my hotel stay, I felt bad for the maid. I feel bad even after one day. Really? Yeah. Cause I do some things, but listen to this, like you can ask them to come do it every three days or something, man. Yeah. They leave little notes in my, uh,
00:19:06
Speaker
card reader saying we Came by to do your room and you had your do not disturb sign on so we respected that Well that and they're probably like are you okay in there? What's weird is the last time I was there There was like a padlock on one of the doors Yeah, and it smelled like BO when I walked by and then later that day when I got done with work I came back and
00:19:35
Speaker
Padlock was gone and it smelled like incense. What if someone died? What if someone like they trap someone in there? Yeah. I think that someone dead definitely croaked in there or something died. That'd be gross. Yeah. And that's the kind of places we stay. That's where he used to. I don't know. You had a super eight last time. It was pretty nice. Definitely for a super eight. I was very shocked.
00:20:05
Speaker
But that was just cause there was nothing around. I had a joy of an hour to get to a real hotel. Yeah. So you don't stay at great hotels either all the time. Typically, typically pretty good. Yeah. On your next trip, uh, your big trip where you're gone, you're going to be gone for like two months. Where are you going to stay there? Uh, I don't know yet there. We're talking about Airbnb perhaps. Uh, that's good. It's a whole nother nightmare.
00:20:32
Speaker
I know. I worry about that a little bit. There was one that I was looking at today that said, uh, said something, something than female guests. I'm like, dang, this dude's definitely got cameras in the mirrors. What does it mean by female guests? I think that's all he takes or she or whatever, whoever comes in. They're like only bitches only because there's so much cleaner than guys. Yeah. Like I could, can't whack off the dudes getting naked in there.
00:21:03
Speaker
Um, yeah, I've never, I've never stated a Airbnb. A lot of them are just rooms and I don't, I wouldn't do one of those. No way. Right. You like walk into someone's house. Uh, they have like exterior ways in like their privatized rooms where you get in from the outside, but it's still weird. Right. Cause you know, there's other people in the house. Yeah. It's weird.
00:21:28
Speaker
That's how it was when I was in Alaska at a regular bed and breakfast. Cause that was the only thing in this little village. And, uh, they didn't have separate doors to your room. So you had to walk into the house and there's like people watching TV and it's a little weird. There's no walk on your bedroom door.
00:21:49
Speaker
Oh yeah, that'd be odd. They had one that was like a mansion that had a room that was pretty cool looking. But I'm like, all I could picture was like, they wake me up in the middle of the night and like alarms go off. And then like TV comes on and goes, you have 20 minutes to run. And then I got to run through their big ass yard before they hunt me. Oh, that'd be dope. Oh, if it was alone, it'd be dope, but this is real life. I think they have movies like that. I think so.
00:22:17
Speaker
Um, but what other things like is, um, where, what have you been embarrassed of when you leave a room? Um, so when I leave, if I've never, if I don't, if I have the signup, which I usually do, I don't usually want them cleaning my room. There'll be like bags of trash, tons of like Walmart bags filled with trash. Uh, and every towel is filthy.
00:22:47
Speaker
In what way? Used over and over again. I got you. There's usually one little towel that's real bad. Yeah. Um, I usually put that at the bottom and then I dump all the other towels over that. Yeah. I usually like getting all my towels. I throw down a big towel and then I'll roll all the other towels up in that towel. I've had bloody noses where it looks like there was like someone was murdered in the bed. That's disgusting.
00:23:16
Speaker
Um, that's pretty embarrassing, especially if it leaks, seeps down into the mattress. Now we're all laying on your garbage-y nose blood. And you're supposed to like flip the mattress up and like look in the seams to see if there's bugs, but I'm too afraid to do that. Flip the mattress up. Yeah. You're supposed to pull the mattress up and look under there to see if there's bugs in the seams and the
00:23:47
Speaker
Where they've sewn the mattress together. I gotcha. But I don't, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I'm a good note, the super eight. You didn't let me tell, didn't tell me any of that. Well, I mean, you've had bed bugs, so you already know the drill. It's the worst. I didn't look for them. Obviously that's how I got them. How do you know that they were bed bugs? Cause I went to a doctor. He said those are red bugs. You did? Yeah. I had bites all over my knees. They would attack my fat knees.
00:24:16
Speaker
It wasn't like up on my body or anything. Just all on my, my knees and a little bit on my lower leg. And what kind of bites were they? Itchy, real itchy little bit. You didn't know they were biting you. No, I was like, why do my legs itch so much? And you didn't feel things crawling on you. No. Then I doubt it was bed bugs, bro.
00:24:35
Speaker
Doctors said it was an idiot. He's like, you're like, I have all these, these bites all over me. He's like, from this bed that I slept in. What were you doing? I was in a hotel room. He's like, Oh, bad bugs. See ya. Probably. You probably are a better doctor seeing that you didn't see anything at all. And you're just hearing my story. You probably have a better diagnosis. I feel like I do. You're a psychopath, bro. You didn't lift up the mattress to look for bugs.
00:25:03
Speaker
No, I checked out and I was like, I was done. Oh, how long were you there? A day. One day. They chewed on me good, dude. What brand of hotel was this? Super eight. That's why they scare me. So you could have brought some bed bugs home. I did. I brought all my shit out. No, no, no. I mean from this last trip.
00:25:29
Speaker
Oh, maybe I didn't feel I didn't have any issues. Yeah. Cause maybe maybe they don't want to eat me cause they're like, yeah, we're going to get diabetes. Dude. Like I always want to like, just keep jizzing on the same rag over and over and over at a motel and make like origami thing. Have you done like a hard plastered like shape? Do you ever accidentally wipe your face or something with, with your jizz rack?
00:25:57
Speaker
No, I'm very strategic with that. I've done it before. I did get some on my hand once where I didn't, I got wiped off with a rag, but I had a little bit of a burrito left. Oh. And I grabbed it and I got some of that, my own jizz, like up near my mouth. That's a panicking moment. First of all, you, you wiped your hands with the rag, but you didn't wipe it all off.
00:26:25
Speaker
Apparently not. Cause like I got my mouth, like my mouth wet when I touched like the burrito to my face to eat it, the core, like the thumb, the webbing between your thumb and finger. Yeah. I touched my face with it and it was not good. But you didn't lick it or anything. I don't know if I got any in my mouth or not, but that's really good. It's not that bad to eat your own jizz. Yeah. As when you eat someone else's where it gets to be a problem. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want to eat my own jizz, but if I had to, I would, I would just survive.
00:26:55
Speaker
If that was the only protein you could get, would you do it? If I was not alone, all I would do is produce semen and eat it. I would rub it on gross animals that are like, this slug tastes terrible. Let me jizz on it sweet. It's all salt. Is that cannibalism? If you live off your own jizz? I think it's called efficiency. I'm just wondering, like,
00:27:24
Speaker
How long could you survive just off your own jizz? That'd be a good question to find out. How much do you lose compared to how much you gain from eating it? Well, let's see. I'll let you know here. You're going to eat some? Do you check your protein now and then eat it? No, I'm going to look for how many calories are in an average amount of ejaculation. I'm going to say 30 calories.
00:27:49
Speaker
What's your guess? Um, I'm going to say you're looking at it. So your G, I haven't even typed it in yet. Okay. I'll say motherfucker. I'll find you. I watch the phone for seven episodes. 75. Now I'm going to bring mine up to 50 in a low. A load. A load. Right. Jizz.
00:28:16
Speaker
Science. Oh, this is not good. Oh, what was your first guess? 30. Well, you're closer than me. 15. Most internet sources say the semen contains between five and 25 calories per teaspoon, but there isn't a lot of research. So a teaspoon is not a full load. No, I could probably do six to 10 teaspoons.
00:28:44
Speaker
So then we're looking at more like a hundred. There we go. A hundred, dude. So I was, I was right. You'd have to jizz 20 times to get 2000 calories. Well, you're not going to get 2000 calories on one of these shows. So your, your goal is like 1200.
00:29:03
Speaker
Dude, if I was alone, they would just like, what's he doing now? And I'd record myself. He'd just see my back, like I'd leave my back to the camera and just like jerking it. And then I'd catch it in my hand and I eat it like, Oh, I ate another bug. Oh my God. It's a real runny bug. I wonder if that's in the rules. Like you can't eat your own juice. The guy tried to do that lasted for fucking years. We'll never end the show. It would definitely give the guys an advantage over the women unless they can squirt.
00:29:30
Speaker
I don't know if there's any in there. I wonder, man, you'd have to be like, I saw a real sexy bear today. Your imagination has to be fantastic. Yeah. And I just said bear and it pops up on Alexa. You're being crazy. Stop listening to me. A load of female female.
00:29:49
Speaker
So let's see. I need a cooler word for theirs. For a one ounce 28 gram serving, 110 total calories. For girls? 80 fat calories, eight grams of fat, no trans fat, less than one gram of carbohydrates, no sugar or fiber. That's why ladies get fatter after pregnancy and having kids cause they stop fucking and they stop squirting. Yeah.
00:30:16
Speaker
Damn, they make more than us? So I gotta catch, I can drink out of it. That's an ounce. That's an ounce. How much is an ounce of like, I don't, can you come an ounce? Like, can you come an ounce? Oh, for sure. Look up how many teaspoons in an ounce. Um, You want to fucking test me, bro? Bring me a tube. Okay. But you could do that every day, the same amount. When I'm in, uh, every day, probably once a day. When your balls are filled up, I mean, that's one thing.
00:30:45
Speaker
Once a day I'd have to get real creative in my thoughts to do it once a day or to have that much to create a nice massive, like I'm trying to get something. I don't think it has anything to do with your thoughts, bro. I think it has to do with how much cum is in your sack. I think I produce it, but I think also like it has to do with how much you get ramped up, dude. I've, I've came way more over and I'm super excited than if I'm kinda like meh, even if it's been a while.
00:31:13
Speaker
Well, if it's been a while, you're still going to get some, right? But I'm saying like, if, let's say the same day, same, whatever, same amount of time, if I'm super excited and I'm just kind of into it, I'm going to produce a lot more during super excited. What you want to do is you want to overdose on zinc before you get on the show. Right. Like, why is it yellow? I don't know. We turn yellow from zinc, but it feels like you would. And then you come buckets.
00:31:41
Speaker
Yeah. I was like, what did you bring? Like lotion in a bucket. I'll survive. Like you didn't bring a knife. I don't need a knife. I'm not cutting my dick off. Right. What do I need a knife for? You guys are being crazy right now. So how many teaspoons in an ounce, bro? Um, let's see. Let's find out. How many?
00:32:11
Speaker
What a weird measurement. How many teaspoons are in an ounce? Yeah. Six. So it's about the same as men. Yep. A hundred calories for, I think, uh, I don't know. I think I would enjoy female drinking female come more than. Me too. But you gotta find one. You gotta go fucking, you gotta go play with a bear's clit and try to suck it out of there. I don't think that would be, that doesn't sound good.
00:32:39
Speaker
I wonder, like I actually, I'm going to get something to measure it. I want to see how much I can produce. Yeah. Like a measuring cup. Yeah. I don't think you need a whole cup, bro. I want to see how long it takes to use it to fill a cup. Right. You just keep it there. Like down in your basement, just a cup of juice in the fridge. Yeah. I don't want to dehydrate. Just say it's leftovers. Your roommates won't touch it.
00:33:06
Speaker
Like this is gravy for potatoes. That'd be awesome if that's what they used it for. Yeah. They put it like on, uh, cinnamon rolls or something. That's a whole, that'd be an interesting restaurant. Uh, so yeah, I,
00:33:30
Speaker
I don't usually tip. So I try to clean up when I don't have money to tip, um, I'll clean up as like a lot, like way better than most people probably do. If I do have money, I won't touch a goddamn thing and I'll just throw, throw money on the bed and say, good luck. Yeah. I, um, I don't, I rarely tip maids. I probably should. I don't ever carry cash.
00:33:59
Speaker
Yeah, that's the hard part is cause I don't carry a lot of cash either. So, uh, what do you do? I'm going to leave a note that says, send me your cash. I'm going to say, here's my phone number. Send me your cash app and I'll cash up you. That's dangerous. Probably. What do you do at restaurants? Do you, do you tip, uh, 20% always or does it just depend?
00:34:27
Speaker
Basically it's always 20 for the most part, unless you absolutely suck. What if you're way better than 20%? You're probably still only getting 20%. All right. All right. What about, uh, I've only gone above 20 too much. I mean, I have here and there where I'm like, if 20% is say like $18, like there's 20, you know? Yeah. What if it's a hundred dollars exactly? It's 20, 20 bucks. All right.
00:34:57
Speaker
So if it's, if it's 150, it's still 20 bucks. I bet you. Depends who they are. No, it's whatever that 20% is. That'd be 30 bucks. Yeah, I know. It's a lot. That is a lot. It seems like a ripoff when you're doing it, when you're writing it, you're like,
00:35:16
Speaker
I know it's really based on like where they work, right? They work just as hard as like a nice restaurant. The people that work at nice restaurants got it right. They work less and then their tips are higher because you're based on the percentage of your meal costs. Yeah, but we don't know where those tips go. A lot of times they split between the servers and the cooks also get a percentage of it. Yeah, for sure. But it's the, if you give it to them, they could just pocket it and they're not doing their splits like they're supposed to. At least you're doing it by the system.
00:35:47
Speaker
with the card. Yeah. If it's by the card, um, then then they, they don't have any say in it. I've tried to carry money. Like I carried probably $200 in cash on me for a while and I'm just like, I'm going to lose this. So then you stopped carrying it. Kind of. Yeah. It's nice to have cash though for when you need it. Um, we've talked about homeless should probably get square apps or something. Little swipes.
00:36:16
Speaker
Yeah, the homeless, everyone looks at them like they're a disease. I wonder. Nobody tips them. I wonder how much their chips have gone down since we've gone more digital. Tips are probably the wrong word. Donations. Their tips. Yeah. How much how much do they receive? Well, there's a lot more of them now. So. I'm sure that plays a part in it. Probably.
00:36:47
Speaker
I have buddies that look for people with signs and say, I just want marijuana. I want weed or I just want some beer. And they're like, ah, that guy's honest. I like that guy. I'm going to give him some money. Yeah. That's ridiculous. That's a good way to look at it because they're like, the reason people don't want to is like, you're not even going to use this to get better. Like I'm not going to fucking change my life off your $12 dude.
00:37:13
Speaker
Yeah. What if it's a hundred dollars? You ever given anybody a hundred bucks? You think a hundred dollars is going to change someone's life? It could a hundred dollars, a hundred bucks. Here's a hundred bucks. You're off the street. Now you have a car. You have a place to live. You're fucking doing it. It could change their life. They could be like, holy shit. Like that guy's just whipping out a hundred dollar bills and giving them to fucking homeless people. I could be that guy. If I just changed my life.
00:37:38
Speaker
You might change one out of a thousand, a hundred or a thousand maybe, but I think it's a big ask to change your life of a hundred for a hundred bucks. What about the people that pull up and say, I got work for you if you want that. And they're like, no, I just give me money. They're like, well, I tried. See ya. What do I mean? What about them? What do you think of people like that? The homeless ones are the guys saying I got work for you. I got work for you.
00:38:06
Speaker
Nothing wrong with that. I think they do it to say like, I'm, I would have to, I would have given you money, but you told me I couldn't because you don't want to do what you have to do for it. But I get on their end too. Like that'd be scary. Like if I can only jump in your car and ride with you somewhere so you can hack me up. Cause I'm just a homeless person. No one will ask about scary, scarier than being homeless. A lot of those people stand in certain places, probably not completely homeless. They're just like, it'd be nice, easy, quick, 50, 80 bucks. Most people are not like that, that are homeless. What do you mean?
00:38:35
Speaker
where they're just doing it, standing on the side of the road to make a shit ton of money. There's quite more. There's probably more than you think they have. Like they're probably not doing great, but they're probably don't live off the street. They probably live off the streets. There was one when I worked at Walmart, she drove around on this little, she was a like super fat bitch and she drove around in this little, uh, uh, like a rascal and she, she was a cashier.
00:39:04
Speaker
or a greeter or something at Walmart. And then when her shift was over, she'd go to the Taco Bell, which is in basically the same parking lot. And the corner there is where all the bums, they get like an hour or two and then they switch. She'd be there getting money. Nice. Yeah, they fired her for it. Why? Why? Because that's not a good look.
00:39:34
Speaker
I guess. Like I would have probably been like having some questions like, you sure eat well for a homeless. Yeah. Didn't I just see, didn't you just ring up my eggs? They should have used her as like a cop at Walmart where she just drives down with a little fucking pull you over, pull your car over light. That'd be kind of cool. I know, right? You were driving and it just like comes down. I'm waiting for like, um, like Roomba security.
00:40:01
Speaker
You mean like a vacuum cleaner? Not really a vacuum, just like an autonomous driving around the Walmart watching people. Or like little drones. Probably be a little more difficult to do. I guess you could probably program them to do it. They just circle the parking lot. It'd be a real loud fucking Walmart. Well, oh, in the store. Yeah.
00:40:24
Speaker
A little security robot. Put that back, put that back, put that back. Or just fucking scanning their face and fucking doing different things like shooting it back to a real security guard that can do something. Security guards can't do anything. You know what I'm saying now compared to the robot. Yeah. The robot could probably do more. They could shock them and shit. I don't think you could do that probably. The security guard can't do a goddamn thing. They're just like, Hey, you're stealing something. And they're like, yeah, see ya. And then they just walk out the door.
00:40:53
Speaker
Okay. Now, when I first started working at Walmart, they could tackle them out in the parking lot and shit, rough them up. Not anymore. Gotcha. Times have changed. Yeah, I know. Hey, you did the sigh. I did it for you because you just did it. I was mocking you. I did it twice. I don't believe it. I did it twice. You didn't hear it the first time. I know. Yeah, I did. I said it twice. Uh,
00:41:20
Speaker
but it would be cool to have something like that. I mean, we've seen them in hospitals. Yeah, but those aren't security. Those are like heart. They carry like mail or something. I guess they call elevators and shit. Yeah, they're not. They're only so smart. Like they don't, they can't talk to you and shit. They can't like communicate with you. Well, you don't need to robots communicate like, Hey, how are you doing? Do you need to find milk? I bet they're good now with chat GPT and stuff. Uh,
00:41:49
Speaker
Let me take you to the milk. Jump on. You ride it around. Oh yeah. I wanted to mention this, like those little, um, golf carts at the airport.
Charity and Consumer Pressure
00:42:06
Speaker
You know, the ones where they're like, those guys are running people over, basically. Yeah. I'm like walking in. I hear like, beep, beep. I'm like, whoa. And like the thing's right behind me. Yeah. Jumping out of the way. Meanwhile, there's like people sitting in them that can totally walk. I know. I've actually looked at like, how do I get on this thing? You've ridden one. In the airport? You told me you've ridden one.
00:42:30
Speaker
I wasn't me, man. It was. You said that you were just like, hey, can I hop on? And they're like, yeah, hop on. I don't recall. I was lying to you if I said that. It was you. I don't recall. I want one. I don't know how to do it. I just saw like. When I was flying home on Friday. Like a mom and her kid
00:42:57
Speaker
They're like, Hey, are you going? Like, can we ride with you? And then he's like, sure. Hop on. Where are you going? And they just took them on down there. Awesome. I just, I'd feel like an asshole getting on there. Yeah. I mean, it's for like slugs. If, if they wouldn't like, if everyone is doing it so it didn't look weird, I would love to ride my luggage. What do you mean? Like this little mall fucking elephants or something. You just jump on and ride your luggage. Yeah.
00:43:26
Speaker
I've seen a couple of those. In real life? Yeah. People riding them? Yeah. They're luggage cars or whatever. Do you kick them off of there or throw things down to fuck them up? No. I mean, they're gone. I noticed them and they're zooming by. That'd be awesome, dude. I was like, whoa. You'd be like, if you got on one of those and then rode on the people conveyor, you'd be going a thousand.
00:43:56
Speaker
running people over, get out of the way. They should have races like that. I'd get on the one that goes the wrong way. And so everyone's jumping out of the way. They're like, Oh, fuck. It would take you forever. You'd never get to the end. You're just falling down. I take you back. You can't keep up with the conveyor. I think worst case scenario is you would just be at a standstill. Yeah. It'd be funny if you were going backwards. Like this guy is slow.
00:44:27
Speaker
But would be cool if they had to like there, this could be a competition in the Olympics, when in the future, when we started getting way out of shape and lazy. Oh, airport Olympics. Just conveyor belts that go the same way. And then that's your sprints. You can, and you don't move your legs. No, you run too. You do. Oh, okay. Oh dude. And conveyor hurdles just blowing into your legs. Do you, do you always ride the escalators? What?
00:44:58
Speaker
They just constantly. Up, down, up, down. No, like, you know how you at airports, sometimes you get on escalators, eight billion people and you're just like, I usually I try to use the elevator if I have two bags, then there's like stairs in between the escalators and there's people running up those fucking things, beating you. Oh, yeah, but I'm not doing that. So I don't know. I can't breathe for sure. I'll walk up the escalator sometimes. There's no one in the way.
00:45:26
Speaker
Yeah. A lot of times I'll take the elevator away. I'll see. Like I got two bags. Like I don't want to deal with this. I was jumping the elevator escalators way over there. Elevators right here. Elevator time. Have you ever taken the escalator and like dropped your bag and it's like rolling down the fucking escalator hitting people? Uh, it's fallen once I think, but no one is in the way. Yeah. I've heard someone say I've heard someone's go flying. That was pretty cool. Go flying down.
00:45:53
Speaker
Yeah, it'd be awesome if you dropped it when you were going up and it just keeps fucking twink like, uh, rolling. What the fuck is that thing called? I don't know what thing. Uh, God, what is that spring? Walking down the stairs. The spring? Yeah. It walks downstairs. Oh, it's slinky. Slinky. I want to say a twinkle or something.
00:46:19
Speaker
A slinky. I want my luggage to just stay in one place tumbling. Knowing your luggage, you would break open. Probably just clothes would get sucked into the fucking escalator. Probably just thongs and stuff. You wear thongs. A fucking blow up doll that immediately inflates like a raft, like an emergency raft.
00:46:46
Speaker
Oh, we're talking about tips. I want to get back to that for a second, because there's something that makes me mad. All these places you go to, you pull up and they're like, hey, your total is this. Do you want to round up? Someone didn't have a name. There's like, you want to do it for the kids? Like, what is it? Like, yeah, my kids. Oh, every single time. It's like wherever we travel. So obviously we're in different cities and they're like, yeah, this is for you want to round up to help literacy in Los Angeles. I'm like, no.
00:47:14
Speaker
No, I don't live here. Fuck this place. Fuck your kids that can't read. Sometimes you do if it's just a couple cents.
00:47:23
Speaker
If it's like 98 cents and they're like, you wanna round up? Like sure will, I'm big spender today. Yeah, two cents, baby. The other day I was at a Hardee's, Carl's Jr. for some of you. And it was like 299, right? Right. And they're like, do you wanna round up? Do you wanna add another dollar? I'm like, add another dollar, I'll round up. They're like, oh no, it's a dollar. Oh God, dude, now they're getting brazen.
00:47:50
Speaker
Yeah. I think they were saying like, well, probably after like if you're, if it's less than like eight cents or something, they're like, tell them what's the next dollar. Yeah. Fuck that. So there's something about military families and like, I think if I do it, I should get to choose something. Like what do you want your eight cents to go to? And I get to push something like I want fucking crayons to go to Billy. Can you imagine how long the line would be in the fucking situation like that? That'd be awesome. You just scroll to like, yeah, you have like 80,000 things to pick.
00:48:19
Speaker
It'd be cool if you could just choose though. Like just bad stuff too. Like, do you want to help someone so take over the world? Like 12 cents? Fuck yeah, dude. Now in your own city, do you, uh, round up? No, it depends. Depends on what it is. Yeah. What is 50 cents? 50 cents. Maybe it depends if I already spent $23 or something. It's like, I, it's like my total is like, uh, like 12 oh three. And they're like, would you like to round up? I'm like, fuck no. Giving you 97 cents.
00:48:49
Speaker
Damn dude. Fuck you. I know. So they asked me for that and I was like, no, not today. And like, they're good because all the woke, so they're like, they'll shame you into doing it kind of. They make you feel bad. Like, Oh, you hate the kids. I just, I'm like, please don't spit in my food. I know the same. They don't get the money. They really don't care. They don't even like asking. I promise you. Yeah. But how many people do you think say yes compared to say no?
00:49:17
Speaker
It depends, you're eating fast food, you're probably not the highest quality, so I don't know. I mean, out of the, say they serve 500 people in the drive-thru. Of those 500, how many are saying, yeah, Roundup? 60-40, yes. That's a lot. I know, I think a lot of people do it because it's only a few cents, I don't really watch my money. Shit adds up. The other thing is, once I was done there, I went to the fucking drive-thru part and went to pay and they're like,
00:49:47
Speaker
They stuck that wand out. I'm like, I know what this is about. They wouldn't take my card. Right. Yeah. Because they're like, yeah, COVID still. Well, they're just like, put your card in there and then press one or two for one for tip two for no tip. I got a fucking hearties. Oh, that's weird. And I was like, I haven't gotten my food yet. Like, I'm just paying you preemptively to know, think you're doing a good job. What did you do extra? Like, thank you for handing that out so I could pay you.
00:50:15
Speaker
Yeah. Tipping at a fast food drive through is insane. It made me mad. Um, but I've done it once and it was, I did 20% and it was like a real low total. So it was like fucking 12 cents or something. Like, yeah, well, there you go. Bank it up. I bet you they get, if he, if he, if you think 60, 40 for the, uh, you know, help the children is right. It's probably like 20, 80.
00:50:45
Speaker
20% of the people are given a tip, maybe less. Maybe. I think a lot of people would feel shame and they don't think it's a lot. If it's over, if it's over 70 cents, they're probably doing it. If your total is 10 70, let's say. Right. Then you're giving a buck. You're giving 30 cents. For 20%.
00:51:06
Speaker
No, for the charities. No, but that's what I'm saying. If you think that's 60, 40, the actual tip at a fast food restaurant is less than 20%. Yeah, you say that, but how many times do you tip Dutch brothers? Every time. I have it set in my app to tip the same amount.
00:51:31
Speaker
Why is that lame? Cause they're baristas. They're baristas are like bartenders. Do you tip bartenders? Sometimes. Why? Why do you tip bartenders? Cause they're in my, like I'm live. I'm there. It's not a drive through. They just serve me in eight seconds. It's the same, same situation though. Okay. Do you tip people that hand you your food and waitresses? I tip waitresses. Yes.
00:51:58
Speaker
Okay. They give you food and a drink. You tip them. I do. Do you want to tip fast food? No, the waitress is refilling your drink and maybe coming by and like asking how everything is and you need anything. And the more they do it, the more they refill your drink, your coffee or your soda or whatever, or bring you your beers. Um,
00:52:27
Speaker
the better they are. Hey, it's an American thing. People from other countries come here and they don't tip at all because they don't live in their own countries. I don't blame them. It's stupid. Do your job. That's what you signed up for. But that's our culture. That's what we have always been ingrained in. Would you tip a cop or a firefighter? If they pulled me over. If they protected you in some way, which is way better than a waitress. No, because they make more money than waitresses.
00:52:57
Speaker
Oh, so it matters how much they make so you can make up the difference because their job sucks. Yes. Fair enough. Yeah. Even though your meal was $25. Yeah. I'm just saying that's our culture. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. That's just the way it is. It makes me mad. I'm waiting for every single thing to have a tip involved. Like, Hey, I did my job the way I'm supposed to. Can I have some extra? A bonus.
00:53:28
Speaker
Um, like a call center, like, Hey, I helped you with your thing. Like, do you want to send in 25 cents? Yeah, but that's different. See in the call centers, it's a service you make the more you sell. It's like a salesman job. You get bonuses and stuff. I guess, but call centers, sometimes call centers are just customer service, bro. Yeah. Fuck those places. Those are like a monkey can do that. And they don't get paid very well. So same with the waitress.
00:53:56
Speaker
Yeah, but if you're a hot waitress, you're going to make more money. That's because you're stupid. I just, I'm not stupid. Oh. I'm just saying that's the way it is in the world. Like if you go to Hooters, do you tip? No. Yes, you do. I don't go to Hooters. You've never gone to a Hooters. I tip at every restaurant. Yeah. Do you tip more at Hooters? No. I don't believe that. Really? I don't. I don't. I really don't believe it.
00:54:25
Speaker
You should because I'm like, I'm not going to get to fuck them no matter how much I give them. Do you tip at a strip club? Yeah. Yeah. Or they make you leave. We'll see. Just leave then. Well, then I can't be at the strip club. I want to be at the strip club. See, it's the American way. If I was eating my food and I didn't tip and they made me leave, I'd probably tip them more. They're like, you got to leave if you don't tip me. What about if you gave the waitress a dollar every time she came to fill your shit up?
00:54:54
Speaker
Uh, that'd be good. She'd be like filling shit up. Like, let me talk about cash though. So how do you do it? Like just cash up each time. She's adding it up, dude. And on the total. See on cruises are cool because the, the gratuity is included in the price of the tip jars. Yeah, but I'm saying you tip. No, you don't do a bartender.
00:55:22
Speaker
No, because we had our own alcohol. We brought our own alcohol on board. So you didn't go to the bartender? No. You're saying it's there already, so do you tip anything on board? No. A lot of people do. Oh, maybe at the... Because I think there was formal dining a couple nights. Yeah. I think I tipped the waiter on the formal dining.
00:55:48
Speaker
It's crazy. It's kind of crazy, but that's how our country was built. It's pretty weird. Everyone like we tip the cabin guy. Yeah, because he made origami fucking towels for you. It was just because it was the same guy. Like, I don't know how they remember all the names.
00:56:11
Speaker
Oh, it's each cabin. Yeah. But it's crazy how much stuff like, Hey, what's up? So I'm like, fuck, I still don't know this guy's name. Yeah. They're usually a, I do think he gave me COVID little Brown people. Yeah. It's cause they, they can stack them up underneath this. That's legit. But like I've tipped that dude. I don't give a fuck if he makes origami towels.
00:56:41
Speaker
Yeah, you kind of do, but I'm like, he cleaned our room every single day. You're like, they only make little monkeys out of towels hanging from your fucking like mirror. Yeah. I get rock hard when I see that stuff. No, but I guarantee your roommate did. Yeah, they do. They're idiots. You don't think those ended up on Instagram or something for sure. Uh,
00:57:07
Speaker
I remember the one time I was Miss Norwegian Son. What? Yeah, I was Miss Norwegian Son. I got the title. What's that mean? That was the name of the ship. Oh, that sounds like something you would win. Yeah, it was. They took a group of guys, they just picked him out of the crowd and then I was one of them and they paired me with like two random chicks.
00:57:36
Speaker
And they took me to their room, which had a balcony. It was much nicer than our room. And, uh, dressed me. They, I like wore some chicks lingerie. They put makeup all over me. Everything you say makes you so suspect, bro. They put makeup all over me. And I, and cause I have short hair, they put like a, they wrapped my head in a towel. Like I just got out of the shower. Mm-hmm.
00:58:01
Speaker
And then they paraded us up on stage and there was like five or six of us and I was the winner. You're the prettiest girl. I got a trophy and everything, but you still have it somewhere. I've been, I've been, I was looking for it the other day. I couldn't find it. Why were you looking for it? Because I was proud of it.
Closing Jokes and Segment Ideas
00:58:20
Speaker
On that note, we're done with this episode. No, we're not. We stop jokes, my friend. It's been an hour.
00:58:29
Speaker
We used to do an hour and a half in our sleep. Yeah. But I mean, you say stuff like that. We got to stop. Tell us some jokes. I mean, we don't have to do another hour or nothing. Go ahead. Yeah, it doesn't have to be an hour, right? Sure does. Go ahead, though. All right. See if I can find him. Oh, you wrote him down. No, I. I had him.
00:59:02
Speaker
Oh, no. Good, perfect. No, it's not perfect. It is. Save them. I found them. Fuck. All right. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? Get in me. I want you inside me. I'm the best, dude. I could write these. Give it to me. Give it to me, she yelled. I'm so wet. Give it to me now.
00:59:32
Speaker
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. These are dark sending me into like a fucking existence of darkness. That was a bad one. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
01:00:00
Speaker
I think you have to read them differently. Yeah, really? Just don't do this. If you don't do this at the end, they might be good. Am I making it too sensual? No, it's very weird. Some things you have a very...
01:00:20
Speaker
Your style, man. You have a definite style of how you do things. Here we go. Let's see if you can do it without doing that. I'm curious. They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? All right, go back to the other way.
01:00:41
Speaker
That wasn't good either. Would you look up like shit jokes? No, these are the 79 of the 79 dirty jokes. So racy something or other. Yeah, you got them from a website, probably like Cosmopolitan. Why do Walruses love a Tupperware party? I couldn't tell you. They're always looking for a tight seal.
01:01:04
Speaker
I like that one. You're not laughing at any of these. I don't laugh because these I do. I do. Don't do good with jokes. I just have to be like, Oh, that's a good job. Especially when they're being red. I'll admit it. I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away. I laugh out of shame. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
01:01:35
Speaker
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Oh, fuck. Well, maybe I should read these so you can laugh at them. I'd laugh more than you. Oh, dude, I can't even muster one. What is what is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? Doubt. A wedding ring. Puts in there. That's what it says. All right. That's legit. That's legit.
01:02:05
Speaker
He put, how does he put that in her? Fingering her. Oh, his own wedding ring. See, I didn't even get that joke. Yeah. I don't know who fingers with a ring finger, but she probably loves it. I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time. A husband says to his wife, she thinks about it for a moment and then responds, your penis is bigger than your brother's. I was just going to, I had that one keyed up as soon as you just read the first part.
01:02:38
Speaker
I should have guessed. You should have let me guess that one. You don't have any brothers, so you don't have to worry about that. Nope. You do. I do. I imagine, uh, derail is probably got a better rail. Well, you can imagine all you want. I mean, his name is derail. It's Dick rail. Cause his first name's Daryl. Oh, there you go. Give that up to people.
01:03:04
Speaker
Well, he doesn't give a fuck. Do you ever go Daryl? No, his big thing. What's that from? Uh, I think the heckling Daryl strawberry. No, his is I'm Daryl. This is my brother. I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl and my other brother, Daryl. And he gets a little Bob new heart on him. Yeah. Which me and you are the only ones in this whole world that knows what that means. That's good. My dad used to say it all the time. Why?
01:03:34
Speaker
Cause he's also gay. There's no one dare. There's no one named Darryl in your family. No, but he says that they, he also says monkey cheese. What's that? We gotta have your dad back on here and ask him about this. I'd rather not. Yeah. He knows. He'll say your brother Darryl and your other brother Darryl. That's weird. Did he also say you can watch one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster?
01:03:59
Speaker
For sure, but not very much more. He probably said your brother, Daryl, another brother, Daryl, more than that. That makes no sense. I think it was a catchphrase, bro. It was if your name was Daryl. It was just a catchphrase in general. They're like, that was fucking iconic. I'm just glad we took your attention away from these jokes. These jokes are dope. Dope must be mad.
01:04:26
Speaker
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means? The boyfriend says, yeah, it means the drain is clogged again. How do you make a pool table laugh? Ticklet's balls. You got it. Bam. Yeah, these are real tough. Maybe this will help. All right, here's one for you.
01:04:54
Speaker
The naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. That makes it better if you just, you'll laugh at your own jokes. What do tofu and dildos have in common? Oh, am I supposed to answer that? Yes. What does tofu and dildos have in common? Yes. They both go in vegans.
01:05:24
Speaker
Who close? They're both meat substitutes. It's a lot more entertaining is that you nailed it. You just started with this. What does a perverted frog say? Come on now. I don't have it ribbed. Ribbed.
01:05:52
Speaker
Alright, that's better. That's a good one. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A what? A lesbian dinosaur. Something like asaurus. Close. Like a lot of topus.
01:06:16
Speaker
Like a lot of what? Like a lot of, like a lot of posts. Oh, like a lot of posts. Like a lot of posts. I'm a dinosaur. Who knew? One more for you here. Thank you. Why did the sperm cross the road? Why did the sperm cross the road? Yes. I got nothing because I put on the one sock this morning.
01:06:50
Speaker
All right. There we go. It went really well. Same telling jokes. I love it. That went really well.
Jokes and Product Sayings
01:07:00
Speaker
From now on that's going to be a new segment. All right. Good. Can we make it last? Like you can only choose five. Oh, okay. Yeah. Five to 10 you tell Zane that's it. Do you know any cool jokes?
01:07:15
Speaker
Oh, Mr. Joker. That's weird. Situational comedy. I don't jokes. I don't like jokes. You don't? Not really. They're too. I feel like no matter how bad they are or like what, how dirty or dark, dark ones sometimes, but no matter what they are, it feels like I'm reading them off a fucking Laffy Taffy. Do they have jokes in Laffy Taffy? Yeah, he didn't know that. No. Is that why they call it Laffy Taffy?
01:07:45
Speaker
That might be it, dude. Wow. I'm gonna have to buy some of that bullshit. Do they still have that? I think so. I mean, they have a song about it. She ain't got Laffy Taffy. That Laffy Taffy. Yeah. They should have that and Snapples. You just have a conversation between Laffy Taffy and Snapples. I don't know if Snapples have conversations anymore, little sayings in them. I haven't bought a Snapple in years.
01:08:11
Speaker
They're smart. They wouldn't cause they'll probably get fucking canceled. They'll say something like mundane and not even a problem. And they'll fucking find a way to shut them down. I feel like Snapple would be a very woke company. So I think they'd be safe. He had to just be woke Zangs. They'd be regular people smashing him into the ground.
Bar Controversy and Alcohol Brands
01:08:31
Speaker
Did you hear about Brooks? He's has a new bar that he's opening. It's getting a whole bunch of backlash.
01:08:40
Speaker
Well, I, what's it called? Cause it's nothing that it's called these friends in low places. That's got it. Right. Right. He said he's going to serve all alcohol, including Bud Light. And that's getting backlash. Yep. Oh boy. Ridiculous. But the good news is if it's not a gay club, who cares? Oh, I guess it's the opposite, isn't it? Yeah. Damn dude. He's going to struggle in the country community. Why did he say he's going to serve every alcohol, including Bud Light?
01:09:10
Speaker
Cause he's not going to just say no to drinks. Like he probably has to do it to sell the rest of the Budweiser products. But no one wants any Budweiser products. I know, but they make enough that people probably don't even know the Budweiser makes them or Anheuser-Busch makes them. Yeah, I'm sure like, uh, I don't know. Cause their seltzers are called Bud Light Seltzer. Yeah, but they have things that Anheuser-Busch makes that doesn't even, does nothing do with Budweiser, Bud Light. Like what? I couldn't tell you, but they have some, I know that.
01:09:39
Speaker
Well, uh, the, the theory, Bush is probably in there. Bush is, uh, it's like, they're, it's like they're generic, like Keystone is Coors light and Bush is it will Keystone is Coors and Bush's Budweiser. Right. And they, they're like, that's like their old Milwaukee. Yeah. I don't know who does old Milwaukee, probably Miller. Maybe. Yeah. My dad drinks Papst. That's what I got him for father's day. 18 pack.
01:10:09
Speaker
Nice. You tell him he's a hipster. Yeah. He would stop drinking it. If he knew that you should tell him, just see what he does. What does that mean though? Why would hipsters drink paps? Because other people weren't really drinking it. They're like, let's try this. Let's be different. Yep. And so now it's huge again. Yep. That's fucking weird.
Tech Troubles and Suggestions
01:10:32
Speaker
Welcome to America.
01:10:37
Speaker
Well, I guess that's it. We got 10 minutes out of that. 10 wonderful minutes. Yeah, that was that was the highlight of my fucking hour. What do you want to name this thing? How about just the tip?
01:10:55
Speaker
Yeah, there we go. That's a good one. You were thinking about that. I was. We did start naming them at the end. Just the tip. Um, and then we're not going to have any art, so it'll just be our logo. Yep. You can start doing art again, but we're lucky to get any of these even put out. Yeah. Well, none of them get put out. We're lucky to even record. It did have a connection problem right in the beginning. So we'll see how this works out. Did we? Yep. In the beginning of this podcast.
01:11:25
Speaker
Yeah. Said disconnected and then said reconnected. Who? Me. I just said it on my side. I don't know. Oh no. I can still hear you during the whole time. That's weird. So that'll be like fucking 30 seconds apart. Yeah. If anybody has a great like over the internet podcasting service, they can throw at us and let us know that works great. This one used to work awesome. Oh, you're cutting out now. What'd you say? Fuck off.
01:11:54
Speaker
You just cut out a whole bunch. This one used to work awesome. Yeah, it's phenomenal. I don't know what happened. I wonder if it's my, I mean, maybe we, I need to get a new computer, man. Well, we both need new computers. So that's, it goes without saying, I need to go get a new battery put in mine. And so do you. Mr. Should I call you mister? You can call me mister. You are gay.
01:12:27
Speaker
Don't overuse that guy. Get out of your Satan shoe. He's just, he likes the gay stuff. That's true. That's woke Satan. Okay. He's tricking people. Yeah. He believes in the LGBT.
01:12:46
Speaker
I think there's a BBQ in there as well. A BBQ. Look at that. Look up jokes. You're welcome. Yeah. There's a BBQ in there.
01:13:10
Speaker
I think it's LGBTQ plus and then there's something else after that infinity sign and then a question mark. Hashtag. Hey, all I know is. As always. Bye bye.
01:13:43
Speaker
Grab the bull!